November 1, 2025 • 35 mins
We all know the dangers of tech these days, but it's unavoidable.
Our kids need a laptop for school, an iPad to pass the time, and a phone for parents to reach them on.
There are positives to technology, we just need to teach our children to take advantage of the good things their devices have to offer.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks EDB.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
News. It's co DECI stay stay and talk at the
bar or by our sol but I'm sure for soy.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
So welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beveridge.
By the way, if you've missed any of our previous hours,
you can always check out the podcast, but not yet
because we generally like you to do that after the
show's over, because we've got a whole hour of broadcasting
to go yet and entertainment for you. But by the way,
the sports the Sports Rap will be with Alex, where
(01:05):
we'll be looking forwards towards a couple of major games,
including the All Blacks against Ireland at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.
But as you might know if you read the New
Zealand Herald, Alex also writes about F one, so I
won't be able to resist having a chat with them
about the latest what's happening with Liam laws and the
F one in general. But right now this is the
Parents Squad, and look, a lot of the talk has
(01:29):
when it comes to parenting is often about devices and
the danger of tech and all those sorts of things
and kids, you know, having laptops for school, iPads, tablets,
many kids, I don't know if I say most, depending
on the age, of course, have phones and access to
the world of course, and a lot of the time
(01:49):
we talk about, you know, the worries of it, and
we are going to touch on that as well, but
we also want to have a look at the positives
of the technology and where technology is actually a great
aid to our kids as well. But and the other
side of it is of course that the government, well
not the government. There's been a private member's bill which
has been drawn out of the biscuiton in Parliament which
(02:10):
is looking to adopt the law in Australia that would
ban kids from using social media until at least the
age of sixteen. Anyway, so to discuss many some of
these issues that arise. She is a parenting parenting coach
at the Parenting Place and her name is Sheridan ekatone
and Sheridan Hello, how.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Are you hello.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
I'm really good.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
It's funny. I just asked you before we came on.
In fact, I thought of it before the show. I've
been pronouncing your name ekatone, which is roughly correct, and
I've had in the back of my mind if you
suddenly said, oh no, it's ecotone, it's a name from
some other country. But good, we got that right.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
You did. You started the interview very well.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
So you've what do you what's your take on a
couple of well, let's talk about both of them. There's
the law that Australia's got banning social media for kids
under the edge of sixteen, and that's a law which
we don't know what the Government's going to do with
that because it's a private member's bill. There's the question
(03:14):
around that being a whether that's going to be a
positive move for us to adopt that bill, whether you
think we should. But also there are some positive sites
to tech, aren't they, Because a lot of the discussions
with parents are like, oh, I've got social media and
they're on you know, they want to be on Facebook
and Instagram and all these things. So what's your take?
What's your reckons?
Speaker 5 (03:32):
Yeah, I mean it's not an easy one to answer,
is it, Because there are beautiful things about technology. Knowing
where your kid is, being able to text them during
the day, although not at school of course, well depends
what school really. Yeah, I thought true story but I
do get a few tacks my kids.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
I won't dB in it, either of my daughters, but
if they need, if they do need to, I wonder
if they just quickly go to their bed and say
I need to quickly text dad and tell and he
needs to pick me up at quarter past three or something.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Yeah. So there's all these great elements of technology, but
I think we've got to think about how do we
keep our kids safe online? And that is a really
important thing for parents to consider.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Yeah, because there is that connectivity with their friends, you know.
I always think it's difficult. I think it would be
difficult to be a parent of an early teenager who
didn't have a phone. These days, and even just the
difference in my daughters are now almost fifteen and thirteen
a couple. When my first daughter started at year seven,
(04:44):
she didn't have a phone. I think she had a
dumb phone. You could. I mean, I can't remember exactly
what it was, but she couldn't do much except text.
But then time moves on and you realize that if
the younger daughter got a better phone, which had more connectivity,
but it was almost like the technology and times had
moved so quickly that well, I think I would have been,
(05:07):
because I won't speak for my wife, but I would
have been concerned about there is a social isolation that
it can almost if kids can't connect and text and
message and where are you with all that?
Speaker 5 (05:17):
Yeah, I think, you know, I've got four kids, and
I've watched, you know, with our elder two, they were
the early adopters of iPods back in the day, and
I think we just gave technology to our kids without
really realizing what we were handing over. And I think
with my younger two, I have been a little bit
more cautious, And like you said, the world is just
(05:37):
changing so quick and just when we think we know
what's happening with technology, some new app comes in, and
I think that we are much more aware of what's
the harm that can happen online. So I think we
do have to lead with caution. But at the same time,
as they're growing through their teen years, we are seeing
(05:58):
more and more that that's actually how they maintain connections.
So it becomes a tricky decision to make for parents.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I've suddenly realized there's something I just assume that everyone.
I'm the I mean nominally no grand title, but I
have taken on the role of being the parental manager
of one of my daughter's volleyball teams, which oh my goodness,
that's no, it's I don't know if we pronounced it
(06:25):
hedger or hay or hedger. Maybe it's a Scandinavian app
which is with the soft j but hedger h e
j A. I don't know. Maybe Tyre can find that
up for me, because I've got one of the parents
who calls that, Hey, maybe she's correct, But I just
I assume that all the kids are going to have
a phone that can access this, and I'm right because
(06:46):
they do. But isn't it's it's actually pronounced Hey, yeah,
there we go. But I just I've only just thought
of that. Now. I never anticipated that there was there
were going to be kids or well copparents that were
also on it who wouldn't have access to the app.
So I've just assumed that. But then again, it is
a fantastic app for organizing people. Stick the schedule up.
(07:08):
It gets a notification when's the next game, when's the
next practice, who's coming to the game, who's not, So
long as everyone uses the app. Subtle note for the
last game this week but I mean those are the
positive things.
Speaker 5 (07:21):
Yeah, you're absolutely right. Those are great ways of connecting
with teams with creating schedules. I think when we think
about what are the good things about technology and what
are the tricky things, I think we can think about
what is a passive versus an active way of interacting
with technology?
Speaker 4 (07:39):
And I think it's.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Really important to think about, especially with kids and teenagers,
what are they doing online? Are they actually bed rotting
and scrolling Instagram for two hours in the morning before they.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I don't think that's a new expression.
Speaker 5 (07:54):
What does it have you not heard of this so
you just don't get out of bed and you scroll
your phone.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
I thought this was a parents description of my child
rotting and bead Is it one of their Is it
one of their terms?
Speaker 5 (08:06):
I think it canly to appearents as well as as
kids and teens.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
I think my producer Tari uses that expressions. She says,
it's a pretty common expression. Now she's telling me gen Z,
well she is, you know, on the younger side of thirty.
The younger side of thirty means, well, she's on the
older side of twenty. I don't know how to put
it now, She's sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I'm and boys
(08:33):
and girls, I'm getting it in my ear from my producer. Now,
who's just you know, she's worried that I've implied she's
got a few more years on the clock when she does,
which is a compliment for producer. She's anyway, where was
I've completely forgotten where I was.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
We were talking about this, the difference between passive and
active screen time for our kids. So, you know, learning loning.
My daughter has been learning steaway to Heaven yew. Her
parents are hip hop, soul, R and B people. I
don't know where steweighting Heaven has come from, but I
love watching her learn the guitar.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Did it come from the performance of Heart at the
Kennedy Center when there's a live performance of that with
the Probably Yeah, it's a phenomenal clip of music. And
if it didn't get you in the Stairway to Heaven,
nothing would.
Speaker 5 (09:19):
And no doubt it was something that she might have
seen on YouTube.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
And then it becomes I want to leave.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Does she have better music taste than her parents?
Speaker 5 (09:26):
Subjectively but possibly.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
So so for something like that, she wants to watch
someone learning the guitar lis and all that sort of stuff.
It is an amazing tool.
Speaker 5 (09:38):
It is.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So yeah, not a bad use of technology.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
Not a bad use of technology.
Speaker 5 (09:43):
And you know, another thing that I'm quite keen for
my teenagers to think about is how are you connecting
with your friends? Can we can we actually do facetimes
or group calls instead of texting? I think texting can
be tricky. We become, you know, keyboard warriors. We say
things that we wouldn't say to people's faces. So can
we get them interacting with each other that if they're
(10:05):
going to have a chat, chuck it on a FaceTime?
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Actually, that is one of the things. And this is
not even just kids. It amazes me what people are
happy to attribute to their own face and names, comments
and texts that you wouldn't say if you're coming around
for a cup of tea. Absolutely are kids better or
worse at it than their parents? Though, because this is
me being naive, I watch my daughter's interactions and we
(10:31):
have a rule that I can have a look at
your phone anytime, you know, so some of the correspondents
there and there's some sort of conversation going on. My
daughters know that if I want to that I will
without notice, I'll have a look at their phone and
they've accepted that. Funny enough, they actually have accepted that
without much argument. Unless they're getting really good at deleting things.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
It sounds like good boundaries around technology, and that would
be my encouragement for families to think about, are what
are our family rules around technology? And as much as
we can set them in place, it's very easy for
them to go wayward or for things to just get
out of control. And so we often took it about
(11:16):
at parenting place, having a bit of a family tech
reset and just checking out on each other, because.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
How do you do that? What's that look like?
Speaker 5 (11:24):
I'm a big believer in the far no hui. So
after dinner, before dessert, get some strawries and ice cream.
Teenagers especially love strawberries and ice cream, and just say, hey,
we're going to have a bit of a catch up
over tech and lead with curiosity. Hey guys, we've been
noticing we're on our phones a little bit, just wondering
what you guys think is an appropriate amount of time.
(11:47):
And the more that we engage with our kids, the
more we are on their team, the more they come
along side us with the technology.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
It's funny because one of my daughters, again I sort
of try and preserve their privacy a little bit by
not identifying who, but one of them. When I say, honey,
I think you've been on your phone too long? Can
you put it down? She literally just goes okay and
switches it off and puts it down. And now I've
become suspiciousist. Why is that so easy for you? Is
it because you've been on it for longer than I
(12:15):
suspect or you've just worked. One of the things that
really grinds Dad's gears is if I don't listen. I'm
not sure on that.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
One, which could be both.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
But here's my naive guess around tech, is that from
what I see, and maybe I'm missing something as well,
I actually think that maybe my daughter's generation are almost
handling tech a little bit more in their stride than
(12:45):
their parents did or older generations, because I'm not sure why.
But then again, they don't have TikTok Snapchat, they don't
have any acts, they don't have anything they're doing where
they're broadcasting to everyone, which is the thing that I
don't want them to do at all. A social media side.
Speaker 5 (13:04):
Of things, You've been really smart there, and I think it.
You know, my encouragement would be for those families that
haven't quite gotten into giving social media. I think there's
real wisdom in holding off. And you know, I'm doing
a lot of presentations for parenting place in schools and
community around technology, and it's always our encouragement is hold
(13:26):
the line. I've never met a parent that said to me, Sheridan, man,
I worsh I'd have given them social media earlier. I've
just you know, it's more around man, this is getting
tricky that on it too much. We know there is
harm that happens on social media, and so if you
haven't gone there yet, my encouragement is to delay. If
(13:47):
you have and you've handed over this social media, then
we need to think about doing it safely. Have we
got good filtering in place? Are we having good conversations
with our teenagers? What would you do if the boy
at school sends you a message asking for an image?
You know, we want to front for those conversations with
our teens really really early on.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
I also think that there are how much I mean,
there are some schools who do a great job of
this stuff as well, Like I had a chat with
one of my daughters and they were they were spelling
out the rules that they've been taught about in school,
about that very thing about images and all that sort
of stuff, and we've mentioned as well. But I think
I've I worry that maybe I've taken my eye off
(14:31):
the ball because I know the school's doing a good
job as well.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Can I, yeah, can I encourage you? Maybe you have to.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
Mean, can I encourage you? Maybe you have too, sounds
like you have, so.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
My encouragement would be and that's probably been a little
bit mean to you to on a Saturday afternoon. But
what I think can happen with parents is we get
a little bit complacent, so we think, surely the school
filtering is helping us keep the kids safe online. We
know that the school filtering isn't doing as well as
we would hope, then we might think, well, hey, awesome,
(15:08):
this new law might come in and that solves the problem.
But actually, there is no more important person than a
parent to be involved in keeping our kids safe, and
we can't just outsource this to the government or to schools.
As much as I absolutely want both of those places
to do their job to protect kids, we have to
(15:30):
be involved.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
And the other I mean, this is bleeding obvious stuff
as well, But I think parents leave. Everyone has busy lives,
but I make sure that at the end of the day,
when it's bedtimely just I me usually just lie down
and have a chat with my daughters and I'm quite
And this is just luck because my job has enabled
me to be around for the kids at those times.
(15:52):
But I think it's important, and this is so patronizing
to point out what I think is bleeding obvious, just
that you need to have conversations where kids know that
they can mention anything to you if the chips are down.
And I think that's probably because I've talked a bit
about some of the stupid things I did as a kid,
to the extent that they're probably cringing. But it means
that you know, you set up that look, nothing is
(16:13):
off bounds.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
It's that freedom for them to share when something gets
a bit tough, if we're front footing in there.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
What is actually might we might take a break. We'd
love your cause on this if you've got any questions
for Sheridan, who does a lot of work in the
space on tech and kids and keeping keeping our children
safe on tech? But also are there for we were
going to talk about the positive sides of tech? Are
there sides of it that you actually think, well, actually,
(16:41):
let's not demonize everything, because there are some positive sides
to the technology that our kids have access to that
maybe we didn't when we were growing up. Give us
a call on eight hundred eighty ten to eighty and
I will throw a second question out there. Do you
think the government should adopt the bill that's been drawn
to ban social media for the under sixteens? It's been
pulled from the biscuit tin. It's a bill from National
(17:04):
tookie tookie Catherine Wed and it's basically, let's just say,
it's based off, probably broadly speaking, on what they've done
in Australia. Should we do the same thing? Eight one
hundred and eighty ten eighty By the way, spoiler, I
say yes. Twenty four past five News Talk SADB News
Talk said B this is the Parents Squad. My guest
is Sheridan ekatone. She is parenting coach at the Parenting Place,
(17:24):
talking about digital devices and tech and all that sort
of thing. Two questions about whether we should be adopting
Australia's rule as a result of the bill, it's been
drawn from the biscuitin in Parliament banning social media for
sixteen year olds and under and what are But here's
a question for you. What are the uses of devices
that you don't mind your parents that your kids your
(17:45):
parents your kids using. What are the uses of technology
that you don't mind for your kids? And I've mentioned,
I mean on a very basic level. I've mentioned the
coaching apps and getting together apps. WhatsApp is that is WhatsApp,
social media that's more messaging.
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Isn't messaging, but whatpp can be tricky because they can
send videos and yeah things, so it can be a
bit tricky, especially with younger kids.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Snapchat social media.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Snapchat I would call social media.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Because that is the gray Zon moment. We have one
of my daughters asking if she can use Snapchat and
I haven't said yes yet. And although you see, there's
that social isolation thing because of a lot of their
friends are using it, I don't know where to go
with that.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
It's really tricky.
Speaker 5 (18:35):
Funnily enough, we've got a really good article on our
website all about Snapchat, almost like a parent's guide to snapchat,
so it would be really good to read that.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Have you got some courses on digital teaching, parenting and
stuff like that? So it's the parentingplace, dot cod In said,
is what are the things you've got there?
Speaker 5 (18:54):
Specifically, it's a digital parenting raising kids in an online world,
and it's an online self directed course, so you can
be on your couch with popcorn and on your device
on ironically, but just you know, it's good for parents
from kids from two to eighteen, just everything we need
(19:15):
to know about tech, how to set up devices safely,
and we've got some of the New Zealand's experts on there,
just helping us understand the landscape of.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
The digital world.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
So okay, I recommend.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And I think some people get I think people get
nervous about doing a course because they think that they're
going to learn that they are a terrible parent, you
know what I mean. It's like because in the back
of our minds, we're all terrified about what tech could be,
and we're worried that if we go on and do
a course, we're going to find out, oh my god,
I'm a terrible parent. My kids have been doing X,
Y and Z and I shouldn't have done anthing about it.
(19:50):
But how do you put that in context for people?
Speaker 5 (19:52):
Yeah, I think that this course is really hopeful, and
I think what it is identifying is a lot of
parents are out there and they are overwhelmed. Technology changes
the moment we think we've got it, it changes. And
I think what we do beautifully in the course as
we lead with relationship building stuff, so understanding that's actually
(20:13):
our connection with our kids. That is the most preventative
space for us to work on, so that when something
happens on that line, they know to come to us.
And so it's a really hopeful one. And I think
parents often put their head in the sand because it's
all too hard. It just feels too hard, and you know,
(20:35):
the iPad becomes the babysitter at the cafe, or the
kid gets upset and it becomes the soother And we
really want to be a little bit careful that we're
not giving a screen to regulate our kids' emotions.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
I think the other thing that people are afraid of
is because parenting is it's a busy time, isn't it,
And you it's procrastinating on having a conversation. That can
be because The one thing that kids really will kick
up a stink about is if they've got use to
some sort of use of their device and you're suddenly going,
(21:14):
you know what, We're going to have to revisit your
access on that device and they have embedded their whole
They've embedded so much energy into texting back and forth
or whatever. I think that would be a I think
that's something every parent worries about having to have that conversation,
which is a big deal for their kid.
Speaker 5 (21:33):
I see this, honestly so much in my coaching room.
So I'm a parent coach at parenting place, and often
I'm talking to parents about they're so aware that technology has.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
Gotten out of control, and.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
We will talk through the need to have a bit
of a tech resept, the need for maybe a family meeting,
and my advice is always expect pushback. You know, there's
not too many, especially teenagers, that are going to say, hey, mum,
thank you for putting this.
Speaker 4 (22:00):
Boundary on place.
Speaker 5 (22:02):
I really appreciate it because I can see for my
well bar they're going to feel, They're going to feel threatened,
they're going to feel worried. But you know, parents need
to not get undone by it.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Can you actually have that conversation where you might give
yourself a chance of a child reacting more like that,
and I mean understanding as opposed to throwing the toys
out of the cot, having a sulky teenager who won't
talk to you for a day and a half.
Speaker 5 (22:30):
Yeah, I think there's a few things. Yeah, we want
to kind of give them a heads up. Yeah, hey, Friday,
you're going to just have a chat.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
This is what I want to talk about.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
Go away, spring it on them.
Speaker 5 (22:43):
Yeah, don't spring it. You know, no sneak attacks is
what Lisa Damore would say. She's a psychologist. We follow
no sneak attacks. So give them lots of warning and
then lead with curiosity. Hey guys, I've been noticing that
you're on your device is quite a bit. I'm wondering
what you were thinking. How much is too much? How
(23:04):
do you feel when you get off the device?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Because here's the trick, because there are some I mean,
if they are texting their team about their friends, about
what are you wearing for Halloween, for instance, and the
conversations are going back and forth, that's not particularly worrying me.
But because there are activities it's but like, as a parent,
I read the news on my phone, and if I
didn't have my phone in my hand, I'd have a newspaper.
(23:27):
And it's because the use of a device can be
for so many things. I mean, you could literally do
an office job on your phone if you were proficient
with swiping and dictating, etc. And that's different to teenager goers.
And hang on, dad, you've been on your phone for
three hours. It's like, well, I haven't done a single
bit of social media. How do you do You need
(23:49):
to explain that to them?
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I think you do. I would say that we want
to narrate what we're doing on our device, especially for
our younger kids and our teens, but it might be
if we don't, then we're not modeling's healthy limits with
our devices. And by the way, research is pretty clear
that most parents are concerned about their own tech youth.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
They are.
Speaker 5 (24:14):
Yeah, and you know, I think about when we are
trying to encourage our kids to have balance around this.
If we are not modeling that, that is probably a
problem and it's easiest fix. It's not easy to fix,
you know, because we often are needing to be connected
to the device for work, so what does it look
(24:35):
like to say, hey, guys, mom's just going to finish
this email and then we're going to come and let's
head outside and take the dog for a walk, or
go and choose your favorite book and let's snuggle on
the couch and read it. That looks really different to
just us being on the device.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
On the positive side of tech, of tech. Actually, I've
got one I can think of myself right now. But
there's a text on this same My mum went to
the States for a few years after graduating university. She
always talks about having to mail videotapes of God videotapes
to show her family her adventures, or how she found
out her sister had given birth via a note from
her apartment's front office. Wow, my sister is currently in
(25:14):
the States for university. We FaceTime every day, send each
other videos. We're completely up to date on each other's lives.
And my mum always comments on how lucky we are
in the modern day that we're able to keep touch
with each keep in touch with each other. I mean,
that's the obvious, that's beautiful.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
Yeah, how you know, staying connected to loved ones overseas often,
you know, young families who might maybe in New Zealand
with no family here. That's the way that they have
their kids be connected. I love it.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I'm getting quite a few messages here saying basically, don't
let your child use Snapchat. This one says, i ZB
don't let your child use Snapchat. They are too many,
says doggie people. I think they mean dodge gyg dodge
soft g har g on there and messenger faces better.
I'm not sure what that is. Another one says Snapchat's
(26:00):
the worst. That would be the last one. I'd allow
messages and photos disappear after they've been viewed. All Okay,
messages and photos disappear after they've been viewed, so there
isn't any way to check on your kids. And it
also makes other kids thinks that they can be super
brutal because they won't be proof of anything. Said. Yeah,
actually I appreciate that text because I've been a bit
fifty to fifty on things. Yeah, so Snapchat you're dead
(26:23):
to me?
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Yeah that great, great texter.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Yeah, tell you what. Let's go to Chris today.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Good Ey, Kyoda, I know are you.
Speaker 6 (26:35):
I've just been listening to what you've been talking about,
and I just wanted to probably just reinforce what you're saying,
to be fair. So what happened with me is my
youngest son, who's fourteen now. I noticed a distinct change
in his behavior, I guess, and I was concerned about
(26:56):
where that was coming from, because it was negative behavior.
So I am a boomer. But luckily for me, I'm literate,
and I shadowed his phone and discovered that he was
watching some really I guess, vicious pornography if you like.
(27:16):
And from what I see, it's a bit like chasing
the dragon. You start off watching something and then to
get that same hit, you go deeper and deeper and
deeper into it. And yeah, so it was quite concerning.
And where is my older boy? He and his mates
(27:37):
actually opted to go to the back to the old
flip phone so they can text each shows to keep
in contact. He's seventeen, but they don't do social media.
They're very focused, they're very career focused, and they're very
rugby focused. They're all very successful rugby players and want
to be all blacks ultimately if they can get there. So,
(28:00):
because that's so driven, they want to cut out all
of the all of the distract. What do you call it, Yeah, distractions,
all the distractions, get rid of them so they can
stay focused. So they none of them have smartphones. They
all just use the basic flip phone and they don't
(28:20):
do social media. Yeah, yeah, I was pretty happy about it.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
That's quite like, how did you, sorry, how did you
deal with the extreme pornography side of things? What did
you How did you address that?
Speaker 6 (28:31):
So we It was a really hard conversation. But that
was the other thing I wanted to comment on as well,
because ultimately it comes down to the parent. You can't
rely on someone else, whether it's the school or whoever,
to do this for you. It's too important. And I mean,
nobody wants to have that conversation, but it's really important
(28:53):
that you sit down and have that hard conversation. And
that's what I had to do, and I had to
explain that this stuff is not real. This is not
what people who love each other do. This is not
natural relationships. It's it's as unreal as watching sci fi.
It's unreal as watching the Alien on TV. You know
(29:13):
that Mars, Underwatch and everything, but none of it's real.
This is not what people actually do together in a normal, natural,
healthy relationship. That's and I think I caught it well,
I'm hoping that I caught it early enough that we've
kind of drawn a line in the sand. But I
have gone again away from the smartphone. It is just
(29:36):
now the flip phone. We can text, he can text
his mates, but has no access to social media and
at home because again, as you were talking about before,
he needs access to the to the internet to be
able to do his homework, to be able to do
his schoolwork. So we have one computer in the house,
which is in a common room where everybody is. There
(29:58):
are no laptops or smartphones in the bedrooms. It's where
everybody can everybody's aware of what's what's happening.
Speaker 5 (30:08):
Chris, you've done a great job, and I love that
you've led with you know that curiosity. You knew something
was up with your boy. And you've also been brave
to have those conversations. And we have to have those
and they're not just one and done there, They're an
ongoing conversation that we keep checking in. So so well done.
I love I love you, And.
Speaker 6 (30:27):
That's so important. I think that for every parent, because
we all see it. You see those changes in behavior
and and you've got to think about what what you know,
what is causing this changing now? Is that you know
obviously that at you know, at that age at fourteen,
there's a certain amount of things going on with the
with the body that's going to change behavior. But when
(30:48):
it when, when it's it's something that's affecting the mind
the way they think, or that type of thing, it's
worth digging a bit deeper in just because it wasn't
just being a you know, because I went through it
with the older boy about just being an angsty little
dirt to be fair, Yeah, so that you live with that,
because that's where I went through it. I was like that,
(31:11):
you know, and that's what people go happens when you
go through puberty, when you go through that. But but
this was different. This was this was negative. It was aggressive,
and it was a little bit scary, and it was like, well,
where where is this going? Where are you heading with this?
You know? And what's driving it?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Why?
Speaker 6 (31:29):
Why are you starting to think like this? So and yeah,
and then when I saw what because you can imagine
on a young mind like that to be watching such
graphic virtue.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
That's terrible.
Speaker 6 (31:40):
Yeah stuff, Yeah, and it's so easily available.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yeah, hey, well done for mention that, Chris. Thanks so
much for your call, Matte. We'll be back in just
a minute. We've got nineteen minutes two six news talks.
It'd be yes news talks, it'd be My guest is Sheridan.
She is a parenting coach at Parenting Place and by
the way, we'll see you again to the Parenting Place,
which have some fantastic bits of advice and resources for
parents that you can access. But Sheridan, you were talking
(32:04):
about the line sort of coaching, digital coaching sort of
course for parents.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
Yes, it's completely online, so jump online.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
And it's not I mean, look, to be honest, even
if I gave you the wrong website address, you'd find
it's Parentingplace dot in z. I'm sure if you type
in the slightly wrong thing, as long as you get
parenting Place right, you'll get there. But it is Parentingplace
dot in zed. The other thing I think we we're
talking about just in the break there. I mean, this
is a crazy term with kids having tests and practice
(32:33):
exams and things, and when they get older there's real exams,
but there's multitude of sports and activities. But the importance
of making. I mean, it's a funny balance to strike,
isn't it, with extracurricular activity without exhausting your kids. But
I have a rule of thumb that it is good
for them to be wanting to be busy with anything
but their phones.
Speaker 5 (32:54):
Absolutely, And you know, I think more and more teenagers,
especially they're staying at home. Back in the day, we
did everything we could to get out of that house,
and so good face to face contact is good for
our teens and being competent about something, whether that's dancing, sports, theater,
so good for their wellbeing.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
Yeah, what about where you at with the netflixes and
all that sort of thing, because I mean there's a
YouTube and there's all sorts of stuff you can see
on YouTube from the amusing funny stuff and dogs, you know,
picking treats from under cups and things, just the rest
one I saw.
Speaker 5 (33:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Yeah, Well, we have to be careful.
Speaker 5 (33:33):
You know, we haven't talked much about what our first
line of defense is and that I think is good
filtering At parenting Place, we recommend safe Surfer is an
option just to get It is a app that you can
have on the child's device, so it goes with them
on the bus. It's still filtering. It's not down to
their router.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
So we need to Okay, what's it called.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
It's called safe Surfer. So first line of defense is
good filtering. Then the next level is our conversations. What
are we saying yes to? What do we say no to?
Another really good website is common Sense Media. So if
your kid comes to you and says, hey, can I
watch this program on Netflix, that you can open common
Sense media type in the show and it will show
(34:18):
you what they're likely to see. We've got families that
we work with that that is just the standard there. Kids. No,
we do not download an app. We don't watch a
movie until we've checked it on that. So that's a
really good resource for parents.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
Safe Surfer So how those two things, I'm going to
put that out again. Safe Surfer is an app that
works in the background, I'm assuming, yeah.
Speaker 5 (34:37):
And it's filtering out the worst of the worst no
filtering systains, and.
Speaker 3 (34:43):
You can set it like my child is sixteen.
Speaker 5 (34:45):
Yeah, so really restrictive when they're young, and you can
loosen the reins as they gain an independence. So really
really good one there, and then common Sense Media is
just awesome to be able to have an idea of
what we're saying used to in our homes and you know,
again it comes back to we need to lead this
when out front for those decisions with our kids.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
Hey, thank you, so Hey, thanks God. Where's the time gone?
That's flown by. So that's just a couple of punctuated
bits of advice there. So safe surfer as an app
and the background to police. We'll not police, but you
know what I mean, keep an eye filter bad content
depending on your age in the background, and common sense
media as well as we want to check out anything
before your kids stick that app on their phone.
Speaker 5 (35:29):
Maybe check snapchat, see what it seys.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
I'm going to do that straight after this. Actually, hey, so,
but if you want to check out the online parenting
courses at the Parenting Place, go to Parentingplace dot en
Zi Sheridan, Hey, thanks for coming in.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
Great to see you. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Speaker 4 (35:44):
Thanks you.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
We'll be back shortly to wrap sport with Alex Powe,
who's in the studio with it is just a moment.
News Talks EDB.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talks EDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks EDB.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
News. It's co DECI stay stay and talk at the
bar or by our sol but I'm sure for soy.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
So welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beveridge.
By the way, if you've missed any of our previous hours,
you can always check out the podcast, but not yet
because we generally like you to do that after the
show's over, because we've got a whole hour of broadcasting
to go yet and entertainment for you. But by the way,
the sports the Sports Rap will be with Alex, where
(01:05):
we'll be looking forwards towards a couple of major games,
including the All Blacks against Ireland at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.
But as you might know if you read the New
Zealand Herald, Alex also writes about F one, so I
won't be able to resist having a chat with them
about the latest what's happening with Liam laws and the
F one in general. But right now this is the
Parents Squad, and look, a lot of the talk has
(01:29):
when it comes to parenting is often about devices and
the danger of tech and all those sorts of things
and kids, you know, having laptops for school, iPads, tablets,
many kids, I don't know if I say most, depending
on the age, of course, have phones and access to
the world of course, and a lot of the time
(01:49):
we talk about, you know, the worries of it, and
we are going to touch on that as well, but
we also want to have a look at the positives
of the technology and where technology is actually a great
aid to our kids as well. But and the other
side of it is of course that the government, well
not the government. There's been a private member's bill which
has been drawn out of the biscuiton in Parliament which
(02:10):
is looking to adopt the law in Australia that would
ban kids from using social media until at least the
age of sixteen. Anyway, so to discuss many some of
these issues that arise. She is a parenting parenting coach
at the Parenting Place and her name is Sheridan ekatone
and Sheridan Hello, how.
Speaker 4 (02:32):
Are you hello.
Speaker 5 (02:33):
I'm really good.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
It's funny. I just asked you before we came on.
In fact, I thought of it before the show. I've
been pronouncing your name ekatone, which is roughly correct, and
I've had in the back of my mind if you
suddenly said, oh no, it's ecotone, it's a name from
some other country. But good, we got that right.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
You did. You started the interview very well.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
So you've what do you what's your take on a
couple of well, let's talk about both of them. There's
the law that Australia's got banning social media for kids
under the edge of sixteen, and that's a law which
we don't know what the Government's going to do with
that because it's a private member's bill. There's the question
(03:14):
around that being a whether that's going to be a
positive move for us to adopt that bill, whether you
think we should. But also there are some positive sites
to tech, aren't they, Because a lot of the discussions
with parents are like, oh, I've got social media and
they're on you know, they want to be on Facebook
and Instagram and all these things. So what's your take?
What's your reckons?
Speaker 5 (03:32):
Yeah, I mean it's not an easy one to answer,
is it, Because there are beautiful things about technology. Knowing
where your kid is, being able to text them during
the day, although not at school of course, well depends
what school really. Yeah, I thought true story but I
do get a few tacks my kids.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
I won't dB in it, either of my daughters, but
if they need, if they do need to, I wonder
if they just quickly go to their bed and say
I need to quickly text dad and tell and he
needs to pick me up at quarter past three or something.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Yeah. So there's all these great elements of technology, but
I think we've got to think about how do we
keep our kids safe online? And that is a really
important thing for parents to consider.
Speaker 3 (04:18):
Yeah, because there is that connectivity with their friends, you know.
I always think it's difficult. I think it would be
difficult to be a parent of an early teenager who
didn't have a phone. These days, and even just the
difference in my daughters are now almost fifteen and thirteen
a couple. When my first daughter started at year seven,
(04:44):
she didn't have a phone. I think she had a
dumb phone. You could. I mean, I can't remember exactly
what it was, but she couldn't do much except text.
But then time moves on and you realize that if
the younger daughter got a better phone, which had more connectivity,
but it was almost like the technology and times had
moved so quickly that well, I think I would have been,
(05:07):
because I won't speak for my wife, but I would
have been concerned about there is a social isolation that
it can almost if kids can't connect and text and
message and where are you with all that?
Speaker 5 (05:17):
Yeah, I think, you know, I've got four kids, and
I've watched, you know, with our elder two, they were
the early adopters of iPods back in the day, and
I think we just gave technology to our kids without
really realizing what we were handing over. And I think
with my younger two, I have been a little bit
more cautious, And like you said, the world is just
(05:37):
changing so quick and just when we think we know
what's happening with technology, some new app comes in, and
I think that we are much more aware of what's
the harm that can happen online. So I think we
do have to lead with caution. But at the same time,
as they're growing through their teen years, we are seeing
(05:58):
more and more that that's actually how they maintain connections.
So it becomes a tricky decision to make for parents.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I've suddenly realized there's something I just assume that everyone.
I'm the I mean nominally no grand title, but I
have taken on the role of being the parental manager
of one of my daughter's volleyball teams, which oh my goodness,
that's no, it's I don't know if we pronounced it
(06:25):
hedger or hay or hedger. Maybe it's a Scandinavian app
which is with the soft j but hedger h e
j A. I don't know. Maybe Tyre can find that
up for me, because I've got one of the parents
who calls that, Hey, maybe she's correct, But I just
I assume that all the kids are going to have
a phone that can access this, and I'm right because
(06:46):
they do. But isn't it's it's actually pronounced Hey, yeah,
there we go. But I just I've only just thought
of that. Now. I never anticipated that there was there
were going to be kids or well copparents that were
also on it who wouldn't have access to the app.
So I've just assumed that. But then again, it is
a fantastic app for organizing people. Stick the schedule up.
(07:08):
It gets a notification when's the next game, when's the
next practice, who's coming to the game, who's not, So
long as everyone uses the app. Subtle note for the
last game this week but I mean those are the
positive things.
Speaker 5 (07:21):
Yeah, you're absolutely right. Those are great ways of connecting
with teams with creating schedules. I think when we think
about what are the good things about technology and what
are the tricky things, I think we can think about
what is a passive versus an active way of interacting
with technology?
Speaker 4 (07:39):
And I think it's.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Really important to think about, especially with kids and teenagers,
what are they doing online? Are they actually bed rotting
and scrolling Instagram for two hours in the morning before they.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I don't think that's a new expression.
Speaker 5 (07:54):
What does it have you not heard of this so
you just don't get out of bed and you scroll
your phone.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
I thought this was a parents description of my child
rotting and bead Is it one of their Is it
one of their terms?
Speaker 5 (08:06):
I think it canly to appearents as well as as
kids and teens.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
I think my producer Tari uses that expressions. She says,
it's a pretty common expression. Now she's telling me gen Z,
well she is, you know, on the younger side of thirty.
The younger side of thirty means, well, she's on the
older side of twenty. I don't know how to put
it now, She's sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I'm and boys
(08:33):
and girls, I'm getting it in my ear from my producer. Now,
who's just you know, she's worried that I've implied she's
got a few more years on the clock when she does,
which is a compliment for producer. She's anyway, where was
I've completely forgotten where I was.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
We were talking about this, the difference between passive and
active screen time for our kids. So, you know, learning loning.
My daughter has been learning steaway to Heaven yew. Her
parents are hip hop, soul, R and B people. I
don't know where steweighting Heaven has come from, but I
love watching her learn the guitar.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
Did it come from the performance of Heart at the
Kennedy Center when there's a live performance of that with
the Probably Yeah, it's a phenomenal clip of music. And
if it didn't get you in the Stairway to Heaven,
nothing would.
Speaker 5 (09:19):
And no doubt it was something that she might have
seen on YouTube.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
And then it becomes I want to leave.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Does she have better music taste than her parents?
Speaker 5 (09:26):
Subjectively but possibly.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
So so for something like that, she wants to watch
someone learning the guitar lis and all that sort of stuff.
It is an amazing tool.
Speaker 5 (09:38):
It is.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So yeah, not a bad use of technology.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
Not a bad use of technology.
Speaker 5 (09:43):
And you know, another thing that I'm quite keen for
my teenagers to think about is how are you connecting
with your friends? Can we can we actually do facetimes
or group calls instead of texting? I think texting can
be tricky. We become, you know, keyboard warriors. We say
things that we wouldn't say to people's faces. So can
we get them interacting with each other that if they're
(10:05):
going to have a chat, chuck it on a FaceTime?
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Actually, that is one of the things. And this is
not even just kids. It amazes me what people are
happy to attribute to their own face and names, comments
and texts that you wouldn't say if you're coming around
for a cup of tea. Absolutely are kids better or
worse at it than their parents? Though, because this is
me being naive, I watch my daughter's interactions and we
(10:31):
have a rule that I can have a look at
your phone anytime, you know, so some of the correspondents
there and there's some sort of conversation going on. My
daughters know that if I want to that I will
without notice, I'll have a look at their phone and
they've accepted that. Funny enough, they actually have accepted that
without much argument. Unless they're getting really good at deleting things.
Speaker 5 (10:55):
It sounds like good boundaries around technology, and that would
be my encouragement for families to think about, are what
are our family rules around technology? And as much as
we can set them in place, it's very easy for
them to go wayward or for things to just get
out of control. And so we often took it about
(11:16):
at parenting place, having a bit of a family tech
reset and just checking out on each other, because.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
How do you do that? What's that look like?
Speaker 5 (11:24):
I'm a big believer in the far no hui. So
after dinner, before dessert, get some strawries and ice cream.
Teenagers especially love strawberries and ice cream, and just say, hey,
we're going to have a bit of a catch up
over tech and lead with curiosity. Hey guys, we've been
noticing we're on our phones a little bit, just wondering
what you guys think is an appropriate amount of time.
(11:47):
And the more that we engage with our kids, the
more we are on their team, the more they come
along side us with the technology.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
It's funny because one of my daughters, again I sort
of try and preserve their privacy a little bit by
not identifying who, but one of them. When I say, honey,
I think you've been on your phone too long? Can
you put it down? She literally just goes okay and
switches it off and puts it down. And now I've
become suspiciousist. Why is that so easy for you? Is
it because you've been on it for longer than I
(12:15):
suspect or you've just worked. One of the things that
really grinds Dad's gears is if I don't listen. I'm
not sure on that.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
One, which could be both.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
But here's my naive guess around tech, is that from
what I see, and maybe I'm missing something as well,
I actually think that maybe my daughter's generation are almost
handling tech a little bit more in their stride than
(12:45):
their parents did or older generations, because I'm not sure why.
But then again, they don't have TikTok Snapchat, they don't
have any acts, they don't have anything they're doing where
they're broadcasting to everyone, which is the thing that I
don't want them to do at all. A social media side.
Speaker 5 (13:04):
Of things, You've been really smart there, and I think it.
You know, my encouragement would be for those families that
haven't quite gotten into giving social media. I think there's
real wisdom in holding off. And you know, I'm doing
a lot of presentations for parenting place in schools and
community around technology, and it's always our encouragement is hold
(13:26):
the line. I've never met a parent that said to me, Sheridan, man,
I worsh I'd have given them social media earlier. I've
just you know, it's more around man, this is getting
tricky that on it too much. We know there is
harm that happens on social media, and so if you
haven't gone there yet, my encouragement is to delay. If
(13:47):
you have and you've handed over this social media, then
we need to think about doing it safely. Have we
got good filtering in place? Are we having good conversations
with our teenagers? What would you do if the boy
at school sends you a message asking for an image?
You know, we want to front for those conversations with
our teens really really early on.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
I also think that there are how much I mean,
there are some schools who do a great job of
this stuff as well, Like I had a chat with
one of my daughters and they were they were spelling
out the rules that they've been taught about in school,
about that very thing about images and all that sort
of stuff, and we've mentioned as well. But I think
I've I worry that maybe I've taken my eye off
(14:31):
the ball because I know the school's doing a good
job as well.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Can I, yeah, can I encourage you? Maybe you have to.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
Mean, can I encourage you? Maybe you have too, sounds
like you have, so.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
My encouragement would be and that's probably been a little
bit mean to you to on a Saturday afternoon. But
what I think can happen with parents is we get
a little bit complacent, so we think, surely the school
filtering is helping us keep the kids safe online. We
know that the school filtering isn't doing as well as
we would hope, then we might think, well, hey, awesome,
(15:08):
this new law might come in and that solves the problem.
But actually, there is no more important person than a
parent to be involved in keeping our kids safe, and
we can't just outsource this to the government or to schools.
As much as I absolutely want both of those places
to do their job to protect kids, we have to
(15:30):
be involved.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
And the other I mean, this is bleeding obvious stuff
as well, But I think parents leave. Everyone has busy lives,
but I make sure that at the end of the day,
when it's bedtimely just I me usually just lie down
and have a chat with my daughters and I'm quite
And this is just luck because my job has enabled
me to be around for the kids at those times.
(15:52):
But I think it's important, and this is so patronizing
to point out what I think is bleeding obvious, just
that you need to have conversations where kids know that
they can mention anything to you if the chips are down.
And I think that's probably because I've talked a bit
about some of the stupid things I did as a kid,
to the extent that they're probably cringing. But it means
that you know, you set up that look, nothing is
(16:13):
off bounds.
Speaker 5 (16:14):
It's that freedom for them to share when something gets
a bit tough, if we're front footing in there.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
What is actually might we might take a break. We'd
love your cause on this if you've got any questions
for Sheridan, who does a lot of work in the
space on tech and kids and keeping keeping our children
safe on tech? But also are there for we were
going to talk about the positive sides of tech? Are
there sides of it that you actually think, well, actually,
(16:41):
let's not demonize everything, because there are some positive sides
to the technology that our kids have access to that
maybe we didn't when we were growing up. Give us
a call on eight hundred eighty ten to eighty and
I will throw a second question out there. Do you
think the government should adopt the bill that's been drawn
to ban social media for the under sixteens? It's been
pulled from the biscuit tin. It's a bill from National
(17:04):
tookie tookie Catherine Wed and it's basically, let's just say,
it's based off, probably broadly speaking, on what they've done
in Australia. Should we do the same thing? Eight one
hundred and eighty ten eighty By the way, spoiler, I
say yes. Twenty four past five News Talk SADB News
Talk said B this is the Parents Squad. My guest
is Sheridan ekatone. She is parenting coach at the Parenting Place,
(17:24):
talking about digital devices and tech and all that sort
of thing. Two questions about whether we should be adopting
Australia's rule as a result of the bill, it's been
drawn from the biscuitin in Parliament banning social media for
sixteen year olds and under and what are But here's
a question for you. What are the uses of devices
that you don't mind your parents that your kids your
(17:45):
parents your kids using. What are the uses of technology
that you don't mind for your kids? And I've mentioned,
I mean on a very basic level. I've mentioned the
coaching apps and getting together apps. WhatsApp is that is WhatsApp,
social media that's more messaging.
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Isn't messaging, but whatpp can be tricky because they can
send videos and yeah things, so it can be a
bit tricky, especially with younger kids.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Snapchat social media.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Snapchat I would call social media.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Because that is the gray Zon moment. We have one
of my daughters asking if she can use Snapchat and
I haven't said yes yet. And although you see, there's
that social isolation thing because of a lot of their
friends are using it, I don't know where to go
with that.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
It's really tricky.
Speaker 5 (18:35):
Funnily enough, we've got a really good article on our
website all about Snapchat, almost like a parent's guide to snapchat,
so it would be really good to read that.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Have you got some courses on digital teaching, parenting and
stuff like that? So it's the parentingplace, dot cod In said,
is what are the things you've got there?
Speaker 5 (18:54):
Specifically, it's a digital parenting raising kids in an online world,
and it's an online self directed course, so you can
be on your couch with popcorn and on your device
on ironically, but just you know, it's good for parents
from kids from two to eighteen, just everything we need
(19:15):
to know about tech, how to set up devices safely,
and we've got some of the New Zealand's experts on there,
just helping us understand the landscape of.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
The digital world.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
So okay, I recommend.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And I think some people get I think people get
nervous about doing a course because they think that they're
going to learn that they are a terrible parent, you
know what I mean. It's like because in the back
of our minds, we're all terrified about what tech could be,
and we're worried that if we go on and do
a course, we're going to find out, oh my god,
I'm a terrible parent. My kids have been doing X,
Y and Z and I shouldn't have done anthing about it.
(19:50):
But how do you put that in context for people?
Speaker 5 (19:52):
Yeah, I think that this course is really hopeful, and
I think what it is identifying is a lot of
parents are out there and they are overwhelmed. Technology changes
the moment we think we've got it, it changes. And
I think what we do beautifully in the course as
we lead with relationship building stuff, so understanding that's actually
(20:13):
our connection with our kids. That is the most preventative
space for us to work on, so that when something
happens on that line, they know to come to us.
And so it's a really hopeful one. And I think
parents often put their head in the sand because it's
all too hard. It just feels too hard, and you know,
(20:35):
the iPad becomes the babysitter at the cafe, or the
kid gets upset and it becomes the soother And we
really want to be a little bit careful that we're
not giving a screen to regulate our kids' emotions.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
I think the other thing that people are afraid of
is because parenting is it's a busy time, isn't it,
And you it's procrastinating on having a conversation. That can
be because The one thing that kids really will kick
up a stink about is if they've got use to
some sort of use of their device and you're suddenly going,
(21:14):
you know what, We're going to have to revisit your
access on that device and they have embedded their whole
They've embedded so much energy into texting back and forth
or whatever. I think that would be a I think
that's something every parent worries about having to have that conversation,
which is a big deal for their kid.
Speaker 5 (21:33):
I see this, honestly so much in my coaching room.
So I'm a parent coach at parenting place, and often
I'm talking to parents about they're so aware that technology has.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
Gotten out of control, and.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
We will talk through the need to have a bit
of a tech resept, the need for maybe a family meeting,
and my advice is always expect pushback. You know, there's
not too many, especially teenagers, that are going to say, hey, mum,
thank you for putting this.
Speaker 4 (22:00):
Boundary on place.
Speaker 5 (22:02):
I really appreciate it because I can see for my
well bar they're going to feel, They're going to feel threatened,
they're going to feel worried. But you know, parents need
to not get undone by it.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Can you actually have that conversation where you might give
yourself a chance of a child reacting more like that,
and I mean understanding as opposed to throwing the toys
out of the cot, having a sulky teenager who won't
talk to you for a day and a half.
Speaker 5 (22:30):
Yeah, I think there's a few things. Yeah, we want
to kind of give them a heads up. Yeah, hey, Friday,
you're going to just have a chat.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
This is what I want to talk about.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
Go away, spring it on them.
Speaker 5 (22:43):
Yeah, don't spring it. You know, no sneak attacks is
what Lisa Damore would say. She's a psychologist. We follow
no sneak attacks. So give them lots of warning and
then lead with curiosity. Hey guys, I've been noticing that
you're on your device is quite a bit. I'm wondering
what you were thinking. How much is too much? How
(23:04):
do you feel when you get off the device?
Speaker 3 (23:07):
Because here's the trick, because there are some I mean,
if they are texting their team about their friends, about
what are you wearing for Halloween, for instance, and the
conversations are going back and forth, that's not particularly worrying me.
But because there are activities it's but like, as a parent,
I read the news on my phone, and if I
didn't have my phone in my hand, I'd have a newspaper.
(23:27):
And it's because the use of a device can be
for so many things. I mean, you could literally do
an office job on your phone if you were proficient
with swiping and dictating, etc. And that's different to teenager goers.
And hang on, dad, you've been on your phone for
three hours. It's like, well, I haven't done a single
bit of social media. How do you do You need
(23:49):
to explain that to them?
Speaker 5 (23:50):
I think you do. I would say that we want
to narrate what we're doing on our device, especially for
our younger kids and our teens, but it might be
if we don't, then we're not modeling's healthy limits with
our devices. And by the way, research is pretty clear
that most parents are concerned about their own tech youth.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
They are.
Speaker 5 (24:14):
Yeah, and you know, I think about when we are
trying to encourage our kids to have balance around this.
If we are not modeling that, that is probably a
problem and it's easiest fix. It's not easy to fix,
you know, because we often are needing to be connected
to the device for work, so what does it look
(24:35):
like to say, hey, guys, mom's just going to finish
this email and then we're going to come and let's
head outside and take the dog for a walk, or
go and choose your favorite book and let's snuggle on
the couch and read it. That looks really different to
just us being on the device.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
On the positive side of tech, of tech. Actually, I've
got one I can think of myself right now. But
there's a text on this same My mum went to
the States for a few years after graduating university. She
always talks about having to mail videotapes of God videotapes
to show her family her adventures, or how she found
out her sister had given birth via a note from
her apartment's front office. Wow, my sister is currently in
(25:14):
the States for university. We FaceTime every day, send each
other videos. We're completely up to date on each other's lives.
And my mum always comments on how lucky we are
in the modern day that we're able to keep touch
with each keep in touch with each other. I mean,
that's the obvious, that's beautiful.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
Yeah, how you know, staying connected to loved ones overseas often,
you know, young families who might maybe in New Zealand
with no family here. That's the way that they have
their kids be connected. I love it.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I'm getting quite a few messages here saying basically, don't
let your child use Snapchat. This one says, i ZB
don't let your child use Snapchat. They are too many,
says doggie people. I think they mean dodge gyg dodge
soft g har g on there and messenger faces better.
I'm not sure what that is. Another one says Snapchat's
(26:00):
the worst. That would be the last one. I'd allow
messages and photos disappear after they've been viewed. All Okay,
messages and photos disappear after they've been viewed, so there
isn't any way to check on your kids. And it
also makes other kids thinks that they can be super
brutal because they won't be proof of anything. Said. Yeah,
actually I appreciate that text because I've been a bit
fifty to fifty on things. Yeah, so Snapchat you're dead
(26:23):
to me?
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Yeah that great, great texter.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Yeah, tell you what. Let's go to Chris today.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Good Ey, Kyoda, I know are you.
Speaker 6 (26:35):
I've just been listening to what you've been talking about,
and I just wanted to probably just reinforce what you're saying,
to be fair. So what happened with me is my
youngest son, who's fourteen now. I noticed a distinct change
in his behavior, I guess, and I was concerned about
(26:56):
where that was coming from, because it was negative behavior.
So I am a boomer. But luckily for me, I'm literate,
and I shadowed his phone and discovered that he was
watching some really I guess, vicious pornography if you like.
(27:16):
And from what I see, it's a bit like chasing
the dragon. You start off watching something and then to
get that same hit, you go deeper and deeper and
deeper into it. And yeah, so it was quite concerning.
And where is my older boy? He and his mates
(27:37):
actually opted to go to the back to the old
flip phone so they can text each shows to keep
in contact. He's seventeen, but they don't do social media.
They're very focused, they're very career focused, and they're very
rugby focused. They're all very successful rugby players and want
to be all blacks ultimately if they can get there. So,
(28:00):
because that's so driven, they want to cut out all
of the all of the distract. What do you call it, Yeah, distractions,
all the distractions, get rid of them so they can
stay focused. So they none of them have smartphones. They
all just use the basic flip phone and they don't
(28:20):
do social media. Yeah, yeah, I was pretty happy about it.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
That's quite like, how did you, sorry, how did you
deal with the extreme pornography side of things? What did
you How did you address that?
Speaker 6 (28:31):
So we It was a really hard conversation. But that
was the other thing I wanted to comment on as well,
because ultimately it comes down to the parent. You can't
rely on someone else, whether it's the school or whoever,
to do this for you. It's too important. And I mean,
nobody wants to have that conversation, but it's really important
(28:53):
that you sit down and have that hard conversation. And
that's what I had to do, and I had to
explain that this stuff is not real. This is not
what people who love each other do. This is not
natural relationships. It's it's as unreal as watching sci fi.
It's unreal as watching the Alien on TV. You know
(29:13):
that Mars, Underwatch and everything, but none of it's real.
This is not what people actually do together in a normal, natural,
healthy relationship. That's and I think I caught it well,
I'm hoping that I caught it early enough that we've
kind of drawn a line in the sand. But I
have gone again away from the smartphone. It is just
(29:36):
now the flip phone. We can text, he can text
his mates, but has no access to social media and
at home because again, as you were talking about before,
he needs access to the to the internet to be
able to do his homework, to be able to do
his schoolwork. So we have one computer in the house,
which is in a common room where everybody is. There
(29:58):
are no laptops or smartphones in the bedrooms. It's where
everybody can everybody's aware of what's what's happening.
Speaker 5 (30:08):
Chris, you've done a great job, and I love that
you've led with you know that curiosity. You knew something
was up with your boy. And you've also been brave
to have those conversations. And we have to have those
and they're not just one and done there, They're an
ongoing conversation that we keep checking in. So so well done.
I love I love you, And.
Speaker 6 (30:27):
That's so important. I think that for every parent, because
we all see it. You see those changes in behavior
and and you've got to think about what what you know,
what is causing this changing now? Is that you know
obviously that at you know, at that age at fourteen,
there's a certain amount of things going on with the
with the body that's going to change behavior. But when
(30:48):
it when, when it's it's something that's affecting the mind
the way they think, or that type of thing, it's
worth digging a bit deeper in just because it wasn't
just being a you know, because I went through it
with the older boy about just being an angsty little
dirt to be fair, Yeah, so that you live with that,
because that's where I went through it. I was like that,
(31:11):
you know, and that's what people go happens when you
go through puberty, when you go through that. But but
this was different. This was this was negative. It was aggressive,
and it was a little bit scary, and it was like, well,
where where is this going? Where are you heading with this?
You know? And what's driving it?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Why?
Speaker 6 (31:29):
Why are you starting to think like this? So and yeah,
and then when I saw what because you can imagine
on a young mind like that to be watching such
graphic virtue.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
That's terrible.
Speaker 6 (31:40):
Yeah stuff, Yeah, and it's so easily available.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yeah, hey, well done for mention that, Chris. Thanks so
much for your call, Matte. We'll be back in just
a minute. We've got nineteen minutes two six news talks.
It'd be yes news talks, it'd be My guest is Sheridan.
She is a parenting coach at Parenting Place and by
the way, we'll see you again to the Parenting Place,
which have some fantastic bits of advice and resources for
parents that you can access. But Sheridan, you were talking
(32:04):
about the line sort of coaching, digital coaching sort of
course for parents.
Speaker 5 (32:09):
Yes, it's completely online, so jump online.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
And it's not I mean, look, to be honest, even
if I gave you the wrong website address, you'd find
it's Parentingplace dot in z. I'm sure if you type
in the slightly wrong thing, as long as you get
parenting Place right, you'll get there. But it is Parentingplace
dot in zed. The other thing I think we we're
talking about just in the break there. I mean, this
is a crazy term with kids having tests and practice
(32:33):
exams and things, and when they get older there's real exams,
but there's multitude of sports and activities. But the importance
of making. I mean, it's a funny balance to strike,
isn't it, with extracurricular activity without exhausting your kids. But
I have a rule of thumb that it is good
for them to be wanting to be busy with anything
but their phones.
Speaker 5 (32:54):
Absolutely, And you know, I think more and more teenagers,
especially they're staying at home. Back in the day, we
did everything we could to get out of that house,
and so good face to face contact is good for
our teens and being competent about something, whether that's dancing, sports, theater,
so good for their wellbeing.
Speaker 3 (33:15):
Yeah, what about where you at with the netflixes and
all that sort of thing, because I mean there's a
YouTube and there's all sorts of stuff you can see
on YouTube from the amusing funny stuff and dogs, you know,
picking treats from under cups and things, just the rest
one I saw.
Speaker 5 (33:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Yeah, Well, we have to be careful.
Speaker 5 (33:33):
You know, we haven't talked much about what our first
line of defense is and that I think is good
filtering At parenting Place, we recommend safe Surfer is an
option just to get It is a app that you can
have on the child's device, so it goes with them
on the bus. It's still filtering. It's not down to
their router.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
So we need to Okay, what's it called.
Speaker 5 (33:54):
It's called safe Surfer. So first line of defense is
good filtering. Then the next level is our conversations. What
are we saying yes to? What do we say no to?
Another really good website is common Sense Media. So if
your kid comes to you and says, hey, can I
watch this program on Netflix, that you can open common
Sense media type in the show and it will show
(34:18):
you what they're likely to see. We've got families that
we work with that that is just the standard there. Kids. No,
we do not download an app. We don't watch a
movie until we've checked it on that. So that's a
really good resource for parents.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
Safe Surfer So how those two things, I'm going to
put that out again. Safe Surfer is an app that
works in the background, I'm assuming, yeah.
Speaker 5 (34:37):
And it's filtering out the worst of the worst no
filtering systains, and.
Speaker 3 (34:43):
You can set it like my child is sixteen.
Speaker 5 (34:45):
Yeah, so really restrictive when they're young, and you can
loosen the reins as they gain an independence. So really
really good one there, and then common Sense Media is
just awesome to be able to have an idea of
what we're saying used to in our homes and you know,
again it comes back to we need to lead this
when out front for those decisions with our kids.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
Hey, thank you, so Hey, thanks God. Where's the time gone?
That's flown by. So that's just a couple of punctuated
bits of advice there. So safe surfer as an app
and the background to police. We'll not police, but you
know what I mean, keep an eye filter bad content
depending on your age in the background, and common sense
media as well as we want to check out anything
before your kids stick that app on their phone.
Speaker 5 (35:29):
Maybe check snapchat, see what it seys.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
I'm going to do that straight after this. Actually, hey, so,
but if you want to check out the online parenting
courses at the Parenting Place, go to Parentingplace dot en
Zi Sheridan, Hey, thanks for coming in.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (35:42):
Great to see you. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Speaker 4 (35:44):
Thanks you.
Speaker 3 (35:45):
We'll be back shortly to wrap sport with Alex Powe,
who's in the studio with it is just a moment.
News Talks EDB.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talks EDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
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