November 19, 2022 • 30 mins
OUTWEIGH: Emily Riley is Amy's guest today and she's sharing her own journey living with an eating disorder, and then cancer.
About Emily:
Emily Riley is a people-lover, sunshine addict, and latte-obsessed human being with the painful experience of choosing eating disorder recovery in 2014 and then simultaneously walking through an unexpected journey with Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma cancer treatment at 28 years old in 2019. Emily is originally from Birmingham, Alabama, yet moved to Nashville in 2013 after graduating from Auburn University. Follow along Emily’s continued pursuit in finding beauty in the mundane on Instagram @emilybrookeriley!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out everything that I'm
made do, won't spend my life trying to change. I'm
learning to love who I am again. I'm strong, I
feel free, I know who every part of me. It's
beautiful and then will always outwa if you feel it
(00:24):
with joys in the air, she's some love to the
boom there. Let's say good day and time did you
and die out? Happy Saturday outweigh fam. My guest today
is Emily Riley and she comes to us through our
mutual friend Cat de Fatah, who is a licensed therapist
(00:46):
and she specializes in eating disorders. So just a little
shout out there to therapists that have their lane and
stuff that they specialize in, because I know Cat has
helped countless people journey through this. And if you're thinking
king about seeing a therapist, not that it has to
be Cat, because maybe you don't even live here, but
make sure for whatever reason that you're going for, and
(01:06):
if it isn't eating disorder that you seek out, like hey,
do you happen to specialize in this? That's just my
little pro tip for the weekend. My little pro tip
would be try to find someone that knows what they're
talking about when it comes to eating disorders. But anyway,
Kat told me about Emily and you were actually on
her podcast You Need Therapy and really great episode if
(01:26):
you'll want to go check that out. Emily, do you
happen to know the title of that episode? Yeah? I
think it's when Losing Everything gave Me Everything. Well, so
I encourage all to go here more of Emily's story
because today is just going to be a snippet. But
I have Emily's bio and it says here Emily people
love her Sunshine Addict Latte obsessed human being with the
(01:50):
painful experience of choosing eating disorder recovery in two thousand
fourteen and then simultaneously walking through an unexpected journey with cancer.
And this was all going down at twenty eight years old.
You're only gosh, yeah, trying to picture myself at that time,
like juggling those two things at the same time. And
I know you're originally from Birmingham, Alabama. Shout out on
(02:13):
Instagram You're at Emily Brooke Riley and I'm just going
to pass the mic to you if you just want
to share your journey with us. Thank you so much.
Amy for having me and give me the space to
share my story. Yeah, I think my journey over the
last ten years has been when of authenticity, And I
(02:34):
think anytime you pursue authenticity, it's it has a lot
of ups and downs. It has a lot of raw
pain and emotions. But I chose so to move to
Nashville after graduating from Auburn University in as a young professional.
I had always had my eye own Nashville, and you know,
originally felt like, especially being from the South, you think, oh,
(02:56):
I'm gonna move to Nashville, get married, have a family,
and um, when I moved here, there was a lot
of healing within my own heart and story that needed
to take place that honestly I did not acknowledge or
come to see until I was out of really like
the environments of being known, especially in college, and involvement
(03:17):
and sorority and all the things that happened, especially like
going back to high school. Even um, I think a
meaning disorder was really easy for me from what it
felt like to hide in because from the outside looking in,
even like going back to middle school, just wanting and
desiring acceptance from people. And I think for me, I
pursued that in feeling that would come through the way
(03:40):
I looked. And so, of course, going back even to
that age, UM was McGuire was super influential in my life.
And one thing that I think about her she was
pretty and popular and she in a sense to me,
had a smaller body size than me, and so I thought, Okay,
that's what I need to be in order to be
(04:01):
loved and popular. So starting at age thirteen, I started
dieting and in the end of seventh grade and just
using food and exercise in an unhealthy way. And so
from seventh grade onto the time period that I moved
to Nashville and seemingly faced people who were getting to
(04:22):
know me and not in the context of a social
setting or sorority or my family. They were getting to
know me for me. And as I began getting to
a place of authenticity in relationships UM, it was just
exposed that I had an e disorder. So after being
(04:43):
here for about a year, I started working with ribas Loan,
who um is a dietitian UM in Nashville that she
walked me through the whole process of what disorder recovery
would look like, and so I started that in UM,
which of course if if anyone has been through that process,
it's a three tiered process of working with a therapist
(05:06):
and a physician and then also a dietician. And so
I started that primarily outpatient settings, and then it's a journey.
I mean, I know that you've probably had other individuals
talk about it, but I think when I first started
into recovery, Reba told me it was going to be
a seven year process. And I remember thinking, like, I
do not have seven years. At that point, I was
(05:28):
twenty two, and I'm like, next year I'm gonna be
married and starting a family. I don't have a boyfriend,
but I am gonna be married next year. And so
I really had a lot of doubts and honestly went
back and forth and like is this going to be
worth it? And so it honestly took up until probably
twenty seventeen, so about three to four years and deep
(05:50):
work of recovery that I really found myself in a
place of freedom, and that looked a lot like not
being motivated by exercise, not being my devated by restricting food,
not being motivated by lying about the food that I
did eat or didn't eat, or what exercise I did
or didn't do, but also just like not being obsessed
(06:10):
with my body and my clothes and how much was fit.
And so I really, I would say, began to walk
in a new place of freedom and healing. But the
next like two years continued just in personal growth, therapy
and different things, just walking through life. The summer of
(06:31):
I had a swollen left node that was found in
on my body and so at the time honestly thought
it was like an infection. No one actually had any
thought to it being cancer, and so I went through
a process of doctor's appointments and testing, and so in
January of twenty nineteen um I was diagnosed with non
hodgkinsl and foma. So that is a type of blood
(06:55):
cancer that takes place when there's like a DNA mutation
UM that happens incorrectly with your lymph a sides. So
for me, I think walking a journey of okay. Had
walked this huge long process of finding freedom from an
EI disorder and then having like two years of freedom
in terms of like really thriving and enjoying my life
(07:18):
as a twenty eight year old, and then walking into
just this experience of especially with cancer. I know that
it's hard culturally. I think that cancer, especially for someone
that struggled with an E disorder. I mean, I know
you've probably heard this, like people will say, like cancer
is called back you eat too much sugar, or you know,
(07:39):
the foods that you put in your body are a
result of like now you having cancer or you're not
taking care of your body. I feel like that's a
lot of misconception around cancer, especially because having an EI disorder.
I think when I was first diagnosed, it's like what
did I do? Like, what did I do wrong? What
food did I not eat? Did I not eat enough spinach?
Did I eat too many? Are like all these different
(08:01):
things that started to almost start me over again in
a place of like wait, I've already like come to
a place of freedom from these thoughts. But I think
our culture really has painted cancer into this picture of
like it's your fault that you have cancer, or you
did something that to your body, or that you put
something in your body that has now gotten you to
(08:22):
this place. And so that is like the two journeys
that then like merged together. I walked through cancer with
both of my parents, and I remember getting into a
fight with my mom's oncologists over food because I was
in I would say, an orthorexia phase of my eating disorder.
(08:45):
Sometimes they were all happening at the same time. Other
times it was like, oh, this is my disordered situation, situation,
body issue, choice of the season or whatever. But I
was of that mindset, and I remember being appalled at
the fact that my mom's oncologists said that I just
needed to get food in my mom's body. She didn't
(09:07):
care what it was. And I said, oh, no, no, no, no,
my mom needs green juice, carrot juice, like if she's
even gonna have sugar. The oncologist was just looking at
me like, no, I'm about to pump your mom full
of chemo, and it's very crucial that she just gets calories.
I don't care where they come from. And I thought
(09:30):
she was loony to I thought she was crazy, and
I knew more than she did because I was this,
you know, self proclaimed quote unquote healthy person that was
anti process sugar because of X y Z And really
it's because it just didn't fit into my neat little
box of foods that were allowed. And then I was
(09:52):
trying to take them away from my mother as well
because she had cancer. Yeah, that's so funny. So like
one of the first things that when I started into
so oncology hematology, so I had a hematologist because that
was more of like the blood cancer physician or provider
(10:14):
that treated that type of cancer. And I remember asking
her did I eat something to cause this, like does
cancer or because I remember like people would be like,
you know, cancer can be caused by eating a lot
of sugar, and I'm like, I love sugar. I love
sugar is a good thing. It was just so funny
because people would be like, oh, you know when they
do your pet skin, like they used sugar to make
(10:34):
sure they can see like where the cancer is. And
you know, it was just all these things about food
was coming up again exactly what you said. They they
told me, they're like, you're going to have horrible mouth stores,
You're not going to be able to eat, so honestly,
just get whatever you can. Like it's honestly gonna be
like mashed potatoes. It's gonna be like your main source
of food. And of course, like en, I guess team
(10:56):
primarily that's when I was good good treatment, but I
was like potatoes, like a start like I need something else,
Like what if I need nutrients? And all these things
were like I just can't eat potatoes. But then also
like that disordered thought of like potatoes are they good?
Are they bad? Like I need to be eating spinach
and fortified foods. So yeah, completely, it's it's such a
(11:16):
weird journey to be on because my humantologists again she
was like, sugar does not cause cancer. There's been so
many different types of research done around that, and there's
not like like sure source that can like confirm that.
Were like the foods that you ate, like there's nothing
that you did to calls this. This is like a
part of your story and a part of your body's
(11:39):
way of fighting something that is not supposed to be
in your body. And so it was a whole new
journey for me within like my emning disorder and then
having cancer because it was like, oh, all the foods
that I had like told myself that were the only
foods I could eat, now I couldn't even like process
them or like have any type of desire to eat them.
(12:00):
So it's like, remember she said, you're gonna want to
eat all white foods, And I was like, what does
that mean, she's like anything with like mayonnaise based or
like ranch or potatoes, things that like your body just
needs like soothing foods. And so I just remember thinking, like,
I'm so grateful that I'm at the point that I
am with my eating disorder, because I think having to
go through that and not having the basis of the
(12:22):
work that I had done, it would have been a
lot harder for me to even like nourish my body
in that way because the foods that they wanted me
to eat, or probably the foods that I once felt like, oh,
they're bad foods I need like good foods, when in reality,
all food is good food. A lot of people have
this mindset, this way of thinking, this saying that's similar
(12:43):
to what I'm about to share. But this one in
particular is from Donald Miller, and he is an amazing
author if you're not familiar with him, but he likes
to approach adversity or things that happen in life with Okay,
what does this make possible? Is one question? Another one
(13:05):
is what big thing is this preparing me for? That?
You know, you have no idea in your life what's
down the line. So when you're going through something really difficult.
How can you help shift that mindset with those two questions?
And it's just questions to keep in your back pocket
because you know, I hear you talking about going through
(13:28):
eating disorder recovery and the knowledge you were receiving and
all of the treatment and the help and the tools,
and then you saw some of it coming back up
for you as you're hiding cancer. But it's like, I
don't know, my My answer to those questions for you
would be back when you were having the eating disorder
is like, what big thing is this preparing me for?
(13:50):
And it was if you choose to see it this way,
then once you had the cancer, it's like, oh, yeah,
it sucked that I went through that then, but it
helped prepare me for this because otherwise I might be
spiraling another direction. So just those are questions that he
shared and he's shared with other people, but he's specifically
(14:10):
shared them on my Four Things podcast. Actually that Cat
Defauta did with me, and it was one of my
favorite interviews ever. But I just I love the way
they're so simply put because even with my mom's cancer journey,
it's like, oh, I can see the good that came
out of it. Even though the cancer sucked in my
mom is no longer with us, she has a legacy
(14:30):
and she has a purpose, and we have a whole
movement dedicated to her for spreading joy. And you know,
yes that all happened, and it came from her cancer.
But still it's just sometimes when you're in the middle
of it, you know, it's hard to ask those questions
or to even have the how how to even phrase
it in your mind that there's got to be some
good in here somewhere. And so that's why I like
(14:53):
Donald's two questions, because it's not like, oh, how can
we make this good? Or what is good about this
totally horrible, crappy situation. It's what does this make possible?
And what big thing, even bigger is this preparing me for?
I'm sure that you've been able to be there for
other people and come alongside them that either have have
(15:13):
an eating disorder or have cancer or both. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
And I think that is where especially going through it,
even going through eating disorder recovery and having to choose
every day to believe truth about myself and about food
my body, it taught me and helped lay the foundation
for when I was fighting for my life and fighting
(15:35):
to live and fighting to you know, obviously like take
on something that like I didn't expect. But also I
had the tools in my tool belt to be able
to walk through this season where it's like, Okay, like
I know who I am. I know that, like my
identity is not in my hair, that my identity is
not in my body, that my identity is like I'm
not loved because of those things. I'm loved because I'm Emily,
(15:59):
and I am who I am. And I think that also,
like just what you said, having the foundation and toolbox
to then walk through something that you may not even
know that you're going to walk through, if it's even
for you or for yourself. I think there's a quote
that says, like everyone is suffering in some way, you
just don't know a lot of the times, like everyone
is suffering or will suffer or have suffered. And so
(16:23):
relatability in terms of walking through both Eve and just
sort of recovery and then also you know, walking through cancer.
I think it's been such a weird journey of like
relating to people and and saying like hey, like I
know what that's like, I know exactly how you feel
in terms of like being anxious around food or getting
chemo for eight hours and not knowing how you're going
(16:44):
to feel the next day or what that's gonna look like.
And so suffering has brought so much relatability in my
life to where it's like, oh, I see people and
know people differently and deeper or more deeply than I
did before choosing authenticity and and moving to Nashville, because
it's brought so much growth in that own story that
(17:04):
I would have never been able to get to apart
from hard, hard things. Well, and I know your particular
journey is cancer, and this is a eating disorder recovery podcast,
so most people are listening, they can probably relate to
the eating disorder part but hopefully not the cancer part two.
But you could insert other things that happen with our bodies.
(17:26):
If it's an autoimmune thing or a you're suddenly cannot
have gluten, or you're intolerant to certain things and you
have to restrict in a way or only eat certain foods,
and how some of that can be very you know
it can kind of especially if you haven't eating disorder
pass it might hit you different when you're like, oh, shoot, wait,
no I want to eat this, or what's going to
(17:48):
happen if I restrict this? Is that going to trigger
something in my brain? And it's just that just lean
into the tools that you were given that got you
into recovery. Lean into the experts if you have them
in your life, lean into your community, if you have
people family, because like, you shouldn't have to walk through
(18:09):
those types of things alone. I hope that you have
at least somebody, but I can't imagine, but I know
there's just other people out there that are juggling multiple
things side by side with recovery that are real things
that affect your body, your food in take and whatnot.
And so if you can't relate to the cancer piece,
you may be able to relate to something else and
(18:32):
then realize like, oh, you have hope and that Emily
navigated her way through it. Yeah, I know, I think
it's for sure, just like everyone's journey is different. But
like I said, you you know, for sure have the
tools in your tool belt. And I'm so thankful that
in fourteen that even maybe to Nashville thinking I'm gonna
be here for a year, and then you know, get
(18:52):
married and have a family and move away. I've been
here miss ten years next year, and it's like all
the things that I've gone through, all the in Nashville
looked has looked so different than when I, you know,
would have thought, but it was all for a purpose.
And I see even just like what you said about
your mom, seeing the legacy and the impact that she
has had, and then also knowing like the pay of
(19:13):
things that I walked through at that time, at that
you know, specific period of my life or for a purpose,
and I may not know you know exactly what the
purpose was, but I can walk in faith and enjoy
and hope and know that hope ultimately heals. And it's
a beautiful gift to walk with other people in seasons
of suffering. But also whether it's a disorder, cancer, or
(19:37):
lots of a child or whatever you're facing. I think
it's always choosing, like you said to you know, choose joy,
but also, you know, seek out help from experts and
allow them to give you the tools that you need
to succeed in those and those really hard seasons. I've
(19:58):
got two questions before we wrap, one related to the
eating disorder and one related to the cancer, So what
was the sign that, like someone was like, hey, I
think you have an eating disorder? Like what was that
aha moment? Or was there something? Because again I think
some people listening they don't they don't know if they
do or they don't. And then the cancer related one
(20:18):
is you said your lymph node was swollen, But how
did you even know that to begin with? Because also
too it's just a reminder to know your body and
seek help or go to the doctor if you need to.
For sure, those are great questions. Yeah, So in terms
of an englisworder, I know, Amy like you could you know,
relate in anyone who's walked through a journey with an
(20:40):
englisworder recovery. I think a lot of it is you
are disordered, but you don't really like acknowledge that you are.
You just feel like you're normal, or you're like everyone
is like this and no one actually like is or
they're hiding it. So when I started in middle school
pursuing you know, diet behaviors with food and exercise, a
(21:01):
lot of my journey throughout middle school in high school
like involved a lot of lying, and that was more
so like, oh, I'm gonna lie because I've got to
tell people like, oh, I ate before I came, so
I'm not gonna eat here, or oh, I've actually only
been at the WISE for a certain amount of time,
when in reality, I've been there a much longer a
period of time. And so I think for me, like
people probably knew something was off. But then when I
(21:23):
was in college, I think it's easier to hide eating
disorders in those environments. But then when I moved to
Nashville and moved into an apartment with two other girls,
I think the close knit of like, oh, I'm living
life in an adult sense of like we kind of
know each other's schedule. I can't really hide from not
eating and over exercising and those types of things. And
(21:44):
so for me, it really all started like when night
you're going to watch Frozen um as like roommates. This
was back like thousand fourteen Tales of thirteen, and my
roommate was like, Oh my gosh, like we're gonna make
sure he's and like eat and order food in and
I just had like all this panic all over my
face because I'm like, oh my gosh, like I feel
(22:05):
trapped in this apartment because like my way out would
be to like go and walk or go and like
to target and not like and avoid any situation with
like food that I felt was unsafe for bad quotation works.
And so you know what really started for me in
terms of the exposure process was living with those two
(22:25):
girls that saw me every day and really noticed patterns
and me that we're not healthy and they had really
healthy relationships with food and exercise, and I think living
within the contrast and they really didn't even know me
that well, but it really ended up that night because
I think they could pick up that I was super
anxious about eating the sugar cookies, and one of the
(22:47):
girls was like, in like, we love you so much,
people only known you for like five months, but like
we just have seen a pattern with food and exercise
that we're concerned about. And so for me, I think
it was the process obviously of like living in close
to community with people, but I had to choose obviously,
like in those moments like having roommates and that type
of thing. I think it can be easy sometimes when
(23:08):
like you may live alone, or you may be new
to Nashville or new to a city that you're like
I don't have anyone that actually knows me, well, at
least I think for me, it was like walking in
those relationships with roommates. Um. And I'm sure everyone has
had some experience with roommates, but yeah, does that answer
the question? I feel like that's a long way home,
but yeah it does. I was just curious for you,
(23:30):
like what what that moment looks like. I get curious
about what is the final straw that gets you to realize. Oh,
and in your case, it was people that cared about you,
that noticed certain things and sat you down and shared
it with you. You know, everyone's story is a little
bit different, but I'd just like to share kind of
(23:51):
the light bulb moment and then the lymph node. Yeah,
this is going to say the lymph node. So in
the summer of twenty one eighteen, so as all most
women do in the summer. If you don't, that's fine too.
But like I went and got a bikini ax um
for a beach trip, and my limp node I had
like a swollen limp node right by my bikini line,
(24:13):
which I know is usually like limp nodes in your
neck or under your armpit are ones that typically people
are aware of, UM, But you actually have like five
hundred different lift nodes all of your body. And so
I just had like this raise like place that once
I had my bikini acts, I was like, oh, wow,
that's not supposed to be there. And so I had
a friend look at it who was in the medical field,
(24:35):
and she's like, I think you need to go look.
Get this looked at going to the doctor and she's like, oh,
I think it's just like an infected lymph node, Like
watch it, see what happens. It should go down in
the next week or so. And then I went home.
So that was like from July to November it was
still there. And I think also like as women as
human beings, a lot of times, like something that's happening
(24:56):
with your body, it's like you know it's there, but
you don't want to acknowledge it because it's like impacting
your everyday life. But it's like, oh, this is not
probably supposed to be here. But I'm just gonna like
live my life because I'm too busy to care about
myself because I'm caring for other people and working. And
so my sister was a nurse practitioner, and so I
went home for the steaming break and she looked at
it and she was like, you gotta go get this
(25:17):
looked at. And so in January of twenty nineteen, so
it had had been there. I mean, I'm not really
even sure for how long, but it was like obviously
noticed in like the summer, and then January and tween
nineteen was actually when I was like referred, referred, referred,
and then finally landed like a general surgeon who they
(25:38):
had thought that it was like hernia or something that
they were just like, your really healthy in terms of
like your age. You have no like cancer symptoms like
weight loss or loss of sleep or fatigue. Like they
literally had no thought in their head like this is
going to be cancer. But um they're like we're gonna
buy oop see it. And so I got to buy
out sea, Like I went on a Friday to my
(25:59):
like the general surgeon, and then on that following Monday,
she was like overtaking it out and we're byop seeing it.
And then it was like on that following Thursday that
they got the pathology report back. So yeah, it was
just a random lump that I had that was somewhere
that shouldn't have been And I really did at the time,
I didn't think anything about it. I was just like, oh,
(26:21):
I've been in the lake, you know, I've had I
worked a summer camp, and it's probably just like an
infected limp notes. I think just being super aware of
your body, and I think that can also be hard
for someone who has walked through an EEN disorder, or
who has had some type of like just obsession with
your body, or just like having this sense of like
I want to care for my body, but and having
(26:42):
a healthy awareness of what's happening on the inside and
also on the outside of your body. Because for sure,
I think when they finally diagnosed me, it was like
stage two going into stage three is in multiple limp
nodes within like lap helvis. So I think just being
aware of your body and knowing like, hey, this looks
at normal, I need to go to the the doctor for me,
I think it was one of those things that like
(27:02):
I knew something wasn't right, but I honestly didn't want
to acknowledge it because I was scared. I'm thinking of
you know, yours was a bikini wax, and obviously the
limp noode could have stood out to you, but the
bikini wax person, technician or whatever. It's crazy that she
was the first one. It makes me think of I
knew a woman once where she fell off her horse
(27:24):
and she went in she broke her collar bone, and
when they were doing the X ray for her collar bone,
they found a tumor. And otherwise that tumor may not
have ever been detected at least as early as it was,
and they were able to get it. And so it
is kind of crazy how sometimes you you realize certain
things that are going on in your body because cancer
is crazy. You can't the lymph node, like you said,
(27:46):
if it's swollen. My mom's particular cancer ended up growing
on the outside of her body eventually before that, though
it was internal. And that's a lot of times how
you see it. And even in the X rays or
on the screen, doctors sometimes would be like, well, see
this dot here. We don't really know if that's a mass,
Like this is a mass. That might be a mass,
(28:06):
but it just looks like this blob on the screen.
And then witnessing it grow aggressively on the outside, you
see how wild this cancer is. I would have never
thought I'm like you. I would have just been like, oh,
did I get bit or yeah, do I have like
in grown hair situation? And what is happening? So this
(28:29):
is just I love that this is also a p
s A and a reminder to pay attention and ask
questions and like you went to a friend and then
you went to your sister and then you you know,
it doesn't mean you always have to just book a
doctor's appoint at asap, because I don't know, some people
are depending on your insurance or what that might be daunting.
But do you have anybody you can call that's like, hey,
(28:49):
can you just look at this for me? Yes, someone
told me one time, like once you walk through a
swater recovery or you are going through a swater recovery,
or you're choosing that journey. It's like, even when I'm
in the grocery store, if I walk by someone who
may be struggling or who maybe in the middle of
you know, that journey. I don't know, you just sense it.
It's a it's an interesting like connection where I feel
(29:11):
like even people I don't know, I'm like, I wonder
if that's something that they're struggling with or they're walking
through um and not that I would say something. But
I think you just once you're like, have walked a
similar journey, whether it's a miswater or cancer. It's like
or I'll see someone that may be bald or maybe
you know, just like functioning in a way that looks
similar to how I functioned going through chemo. It's like
(29:32):
this heart connection. So yeah, I think that's it's always
being reminded of the influence that you have on other
people and to use that influence for good. For sure, Emily,
thank you so much for sharing your stories with us.
Thank you, Amy Do. You have definitely been through a
lot and can use that now that you're on the
other side of it to be that encouragement for others.
(29:56):
So thank you for doing it and you're on that way.
Thank you so much for having me. It was great.
Beat here m
I won't let my body out out everything that I'm
made do, won't spend my life trying to change. I'm
learning to love who I am again. I'm strong, I
feel free, I know who every part of me. It's
beautiful and then will always outwa if you feel it
(00:24):
with joys in the air, she's some love to the
boom there. Let's say good day and time did you
and die out? Happy Saturday outweigh fam. My guest today
is Emily Riley and she comes to us through our
mutual friend Cat de Fatah, who is a licensed therapist
(00:46):
and she specializes in eating disorders. So just a little
shout out there to therapists that have their lane and
stuff that they specialize in, because I know Cat has
helped countless people journey through this. And if you're thinking
king about seeing a therapist, not that it has to
be Cat, because maybe you don't even live here, but
make sure for whatever reason that you're going for, and
(01:06):
if it isn't eating disorder that you seek out, like hey,
do you happen to specialize in this? That's just my
little pro tip for the weekend. My little pro tip
would be try to find someone that knows what they're
talking about when it comes to eating disorders. But anyway,
Kat told me about Emily and you were actually on
her podcast You Need Therapy and really great episode if
(01:26):
you'll want to go check that out. Emily, do you
happen to know the title of that episode? Yeah? I
think it's when Losing Everything gave Me Everything. Well, so
I encourage all to go here more of Emily's story
because today is just going to be a snippet. But
I have Emily's bio and it says here Emily people
love her Sunshine Addict Latte obsessed human being with the
(01:50):
painful experience of choosing eating disorder recovery in two thousand
fourteen and then simultaneously walking through an unexpected journey with cancer.
And this was all going down at twenty eight years old.
You're only gosh, yeah, trying to picture myself at that time,
like juggling those two things at the same time. And
I know you're originally from Birmingham, Alabama. Shout out on
(02:13):
Instagram You're at Emily Brooke Riley and I'm just going
to pass the mic to you if you just want
to share your journey with us. Thank you so much.
Amy for having me and give me the space to
share my story. Yeah, I think my journey over the
last ten years has been when of authenticity, And I
(02:34):
think anytime you pursue authenticity, it's it has a lot
of ups and downs. It has a lot of raw
pain and emotions. But I chose so to move to
Nashville after graduating from Auburn University in as a young professional.
I had always had my eye own Nashville, and you know,
originally felt like, especially being from the South, you think, oh,
(02:56):
I'm gonna move to Nashville, get married, have a family,
and um, when I moved here, there was a lot
of healing within my own heart and story that needed
to take place that honestly I did not acknowledge or
come to see until I was out of really like
the environments of being known, especially in college, and involvement
(03:17):
and sorority and all the things that happened, especially like
going back to high school. Even um, I think a
meaning disorder was really easy for me from what it
felt like to hide in because from the outside looking in,
even like going back to middle school, just wanting and
desiring acceptance from people. And I think for me, I
pursued that in feeling that would come through the way
(03:40):
I looked. And so, of course, going back even to
that age, UM was McGuire was super influential in my life.
And one thing that I think about her she was
pretty and popular and she in a sense to me,
had a smaller body size than me, and so I thought, Okay,
that's what I need to be in order to be
(04:01):
loved and popular. So starting at age thirteen, I started
dieting and in the end of seventh grade and just
using food and exercise in an unhealthy way. And so
from seventh grade onto the time period that I moved
to Nashville and seemingly faced people who were getting to
(04:22):
know me and not in the context of a social
setting or sorority or my family. They were getting to
know me for me. And as I began getting to
a place of authenticity in relationships UM, it was just
exposed that I had an e disorder. So after being
(04:43):
here for about a year, I started working with ribas Loan,
who um is a dietitian UM in Nashville that she
walked me through the whole process of what disorder recovery
would look like, and so I started that in UM,
which of course if if anyone has been through that process,
it's a three tiered process of working with a therapist
(05:06):
and a physician and then also a dietician. And so
I started that primarily outpatient settings, and then it's a journey.
I mean, I know that you've probably had other individuals
talk about it, but I think when I first started
into recovery, Reba told me it was going to be
a seven year process. And I remember thinking, like, I
do not have seven years. At that point, I was
(05:28):
twenty two, and I'm like, next year I'm gonna be
married and starting a family. I don't have a boyfriend,
but I am gonna be married next year. And so
I really had a lot of doubts and honestly went
back and forth and like is this going to be
worth it? And so it honestly took up until probably
twenty seventeen, so about three to four years and deep
(05:50):
work of recovery that I really found myself in a
place of freedom, and that looked a lot like not
being motivated by exercise, not being my devated by restricting food,
not being motivated by lying about the food that I
did eat or didn't eat, or what exercise I did
or didn't do, but also just like not being obsessed
(06:10):
with my body and my clothes and how much was fit.
And so I really, I would say, began to walk
in a new place of freedom and healing. But the
next like two years continued just in personal growth, therapy
and different things, just walking through life. The summer of
(06:31):
I had a swollen left node that was found in
on my body and so at the time honestly thought
it was like an infection. No one actually had any
thought to it being cancer, and so I went through
a process of doctor's appointments and testing, and so in
January of twenty nineteen um I was diagnosed with non
hodgkinsl and foma. So that is a type of blood
(06:55):
cancer that takes place when there's like a DNA mutation
UM that happens incorrectly with your lymph a sides. So
for me, I think walking a journey of okay. Had
walked this huge long process of finding freedom from an
EI disorder and then having like two years of freedom
in terms of like really thriving and enjoying my life
(07:18):
as a twenty eight year old, and then walking into
just this experience of especially with cancer. I know that
it's hard culturally. I think that cancer, especially for someone
that struggled with an E disorder. I mean, I know
you've probably heard this, like people will say, like cancer
is called back you eat too much sugar, or you know,
(07:39):
the foods that you put in your body are a
result of like now you having cancer or you're not
taking care of your body. I feel like that's a
lot of misconception around cancer, especially because having an EI disorder.
I think when I was first diagnosed, it's like what
did I do? Like, what did I do wrong? What
food did I not eat? Did I not eat enough spinach?
Did I eat too many? Are like all these different
(08:01):
things that started to almost start me over again in
a place of like wait, I've already like come to
a place of freedom from these thoughts. But I think
our culture really has painted cancer into this picture of
like it's your fault that you have cancer, or you
did something that to your body, or that you put
something in your body that has now gotten you to
(08:22):
this place. And so that is like the two journeys
that then like merged together. I walked through cancer with
both of my parents, and I remember getting into a
fight with my mom's oncologists over food because I was
in I would say, an orthorexia phase of my eating disorder.
(08:45):
Sometimes they were all happening at the same time. Other
times it was like, oh, this is my disordered situation, situation,
body issue, choice of the season or whatever. But I
was of that mindset, and I remember being appalled at
the fact that my mom's oncologists said that I just
needed to get food in my mom's body. She didn't
(09:07):
care what it was. And I said, oh, no, no, no, no,
my mom needs green juice, carrot juice, like if she's
even gonna have sugar. The oncologist was just looking at
me like, no, I'm about to pump your mom full
of chemo, and it's very crucial that she just gets calories.
I don't care where they come from. And I thought
(09:30):
she was loony to I thought she was crazy, and
I knew more than she did because I was this,
you know, self proclaimed quote unquote healthy person that was
anti process sugar because of X y Z And really
it's because it just didn't fit into my neat little
box of foods that were allowed. And then I was
(09:52):
trying to take them away from my mother as well
because she had cancer. Yeah, that's so funny. So like
one of the first things that when I started into
so oncology hematology, so I had a hematologist because that
was more of like the blood cancer physician or provider
(10:14):
that treated that type of cancer. And I remember asking
her did I eat something to cause this, like does
cancer or because I remember like people would be like,
you know, cancer can be caused by eating a lot
of sugar, and I'm like, I love sugar. I love
sugar is a good thing. It was just so funny
because people would be like, oh, you know when they
do your pet skin, like they used sugar to make
(10:34):
sure they can see like where the cancer is. And
you know, it was just all these things about food
was coming up again exactly what you said. They they
told me, they're like, you're going to have horrible mouth stores,
You're not going to be able to eat, so honestly,
just get whatever you can. Like it's honestly gonna be
like mashed potatoes. It's gonna be like your main source
of food. And of course, like en, I guess team
(10:56):
primarily that's when I was good good treatment, but I
was like potatoes, like a start like I need something else,
Like what if I need nutrients? And all these things
were like I just can't eat potatoes. But then also
like that disordered thought of like potatoes are they good?
Are they bad? Like I need to be eating spinach
and fortified foods. So yeah, completely, it's it's such a
(11:16):
weird journey to be on because my humantologists again she
was like, sugar does not cause cancer. There's been so
many different types of research done around that, and there's
not like like sure source that can like confirm that.
Were like the foods that you ate, like there's nothing
that you did to calls this. This is like a
part of your story and a part of your body's
(11:39):
way of fighting something that is not supposed to be
in your body. And so it was a whole new
journey for me within like my emning disorder and then
having cancer because it was like, oh, all the foods
that I had like told myself that were the only
foods I could eat, now I couldn't even like process
them or like have any type of desire to eat them.
(12:00):
So it's like, remember she said, you're gonna want to
eat all white foods, And I was like, what does
that mean, she's like anything with like mayonnaise based or
like ranch or potatoes, things that like your body just
needs like soothing foods. And so I just remember thinking, like,
I'm so grateful that I'm at the point that I
am with my eating disorder, because I think having to
go through that and not having the basis of the
(12:22):
work that I had done, it would have been a
lot harder for me to even like nourish my body
in that way because the foods that they wanted me
to eat, or probably the foods that I once felt like, oh,
they're bad foods I need like good foods, when in reality,
all food is good food. A lot of people have
this mindset, this way of thinking, this saying that's similar
(12:43):
to what I'm about to share. But this one in
particular is from Donald Miller, and he is an amazing
author if you're not familiar with him, but he likes
to approach adversity or things that happen in life with Okay,
what does this make possible? Is one question? Another one
(13:05):
is what big thing is this preparing me for? That?
You know, you have no idea in your life what's
down the line. So when you're going through something really difficult.
How can you help shift that mindset with those two questions?
And it's just questions to keep in your back pocket
because you know, I hear you talking about going through
(13:28):
eating disorder recovery and the knowledge you were receiving and
all of the treatment and the help and the tools,
and then you saw some of it coming back up
for you as you're hiding cancer. But it's like, I
don't know, my My answer to those questions for you
would be back when you were having the eating disorder
is like, what big thing is this preparing me for?
(13:50):
And it was if you choose to see it this way,
then once you had the cancer, it's like, oh, yeah,
it sucked that I went through that then, but it
helped prepare me for this because otherwise I might be
spiraling another direction. So just those are questions that he
shared and he's shared with other people, but he's specifically
(14:10):
shared them on my Four Things podcast. Actually that Cat
Defauta did with me, and it was one of my
favorite interviews ever. But I just I love the way
they're so simply put because even with my mom's cancer journey,
it's like, oh, I can see the good that came
out of it. Even though the cancer sucked in my
mom is no longer with us, she has a legacy
(14:30):
and she has a purpose, and we have a whole
movement dedicated to her for spreading joy. And you know,
yes that all happened, and it came from her cancer.
But still it's just sometimes when you're in the middle
of it, you know, it's hard to ask those questions
or to even have the how how to even phrase
it in your mind that there's got to be some
good in here somewhere. And so that's why I like
(14:53):
Donald's two questions, because it's not like, oh, how can
we make this good? Or what is good about this
totally horrible, crappy situation. It's what does this make possible?
And what big thing, even bigger is this preparing me for?
I'm sure that you've been able to be there for
other people and come alongside them that either have have
(15:13):
an eating disorder or have cancer or both. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
And I think that is where especially going through it,
even going through eating disorder recovery and having to choose
every day to believe truth about myself and about food
my body, it taught me and helped lay the foundation
for when I was fighting for my life and fighting
(15:35):
to live and fighting to you know, obviously like take
on something that like I didn't expect. But also I
had the tools in my tool belt to be able
to walk through this season where it's like, Okay, like
I know who I am. I know that, like my
identity is not in my hair, that my identity is
not in my body, that my identity is like I'm
not loved because of those things. I'm loved because I'm Emily,
(15:59):
and I am who I am. And I think that also,
like just what you said, having the foundation and toolbox
to then walk through something that you may not even
know that you're going to walk through, if it's even
for you or for yourself. I think there's a quote
that says, like everyone is suffering in some way, you
just don't know a lot of the times, like everyone
is suffering or will suffer or have suffered. And so
(16:23):
relatability in terms of walking through both Eve and just
sort of recovery and then also you know, walking through cancer.
I think it's been such a weird journey of like
relating to people and and saying like hey, like I
know what that's like, I know exactly how you feel
in terms of like being anxious around food or getting
chemo for eight hours and not knowing how you're going
(16:44):
to feel the next day or what that's gonna look like.
And so suffering has brought so much relatability in my
life to where it's like, oh, I see people and
know people differently and deeper or more deeply than I
did before choosing authenticity and and moving to Nashville, because
it's brought so much growth in that own story that
(17:04):
I would have never been able to get to apart
from hard, hard things. Well, and I know your particular
journey is cancer, and this is a eating disorder recovery podcast,
so most people are listening, they can probably relate to
the eating disorder part but hopefully not the cancer part two.
But you could insert other things that happen with our bodies.
(17:26):
If it's an autoimmune thing or a you're suddenly cannot
have gluten, or you're intolerant to certain things and you
have to restrict in a way or only eat certain foods,
and how some of that can be very you know
it can kind of especially if you haven't eating disorder
pass it might hit you different when you're like, oh, shoot, wait,
no I want to eat this, or what's going to
(17:48):
happen if I restrict this? Is that going to trigger
something in my brain? And it's just that just lean
into the tools that you were given that got you
into recovery. Lean into the experts if you have them
in your life, lean into your community, if you have
people family, because like, you shouldn't have to walk through
(18:09):
those types of things alone. I hope that you have
at least somebody, but I can't imagine, but I know
there's just other people out there that are juggling multiple
things side by side with recovery that are real things
that affect your body, your food in take and whatnot.
And so if you can't relate to the cancer piece,
you may be able to relate to something else and
(18:32):
then realize like, oh, you have hope and that Emily
navigated her way through it. Yeah, I know, I think
it's for sure, just like everyone's journey is different. But
like I said, you you know, for sure have the
tools in your tool belt. And I'm so thankful that
in fourteen that even maybe to Nashville thinking I'm gonna
be here for a year, and then you know, get
(18:52):
married and have a family and move away. I've been
here miss ten years next year, and it's like all
the things that I've gone through, all the in Nashville
looked has looked so different than when I, you know,
would have thought, but it was all for a purpose.
And I see even just like what you said about
your mom, seeing the legacy and the impact that she
has had, and then also knowing like the pay of
(19:13):
things that I walked through at that time, at that
you know, specific period of my life or for a purpose,
and I may not know you know exactly what the
purpose was, but I can walk in faith and enjoy
and hope and know that hope ultimately heals. And it's
a beautiful gift to walk with other people in seasons
of suffering. But also whether it's a disorder, cancer, or
(19:37):
lots of a child or whatever you're facing. I think
it's always choosing, like you said to you know, choose joy,
but also, you know, seek out help from experts and
allow them to give you the tools that you need
to succeed in those and those really hard seasons. I've
(19:58):
got two questions before we wrap, one related to the
eating disorder and one related to the cancer, So what
was the sign that, like someone was like, hey, I
think you have an eating disorder? Like what was that
aha moment? Or was there something? Because again I think
some people listening they don't they don't know if they
do or they don't. And then the cancer related one
(20:18):
is you said your lymph node was swollen, But how
did you even know that to begin with? Because also
too it's just a reminder to know your body and
seek help or go to the doctor if you need to.
For sure, those are great questions. Yeah, So in terms
of an englisworder, I know, Amy like you could you know,
relate in anyone who's walked through a journey with an
(20:40):
englisworder recovery. I think a lot of it is you
are disordered, but you don't really like acknowledge that you are.
You just feel like you're normal, or you're like everyone
is like this and no one actually like is or
they're hiding it. So when I started in middle school
pursuing you know, diet behaviors with food and exercise, a
(21:01):
lot of my journey throughout middle school in high school
like involved a lot of lying, and that was more
so like, oh, I'm gonna lie because I've got to
tell people like, oh, I ate before I came, so
I'm not gonna eat here, or oh, I've actually only
been at the WISE for a certain amount of time,
when in reality, I've been there a much longer a
period of time. And so I think for me, like
people probably knew something was off. But then when I
(21:23):
was in college, I think it's easier to hide eating
disorders in those environments. But then when I moved to
Nashville and moved into an apartment with two other girls,
I think the close knit of like, oh, I'm living
life in an adult sense of like we kind of
know each other's schedule. I can't really hide from not
eating and over exercising and those types of things. And
(21:44):
so for me, it really all started like when night
you're going to watch Frozen um as like roommates. This
was back like thousand fourteen Tales of thirteen, and my
roommate was like, Oh my gosh, like we're gonna make
sure he's and like eat and order food in and
I just had like all this panic all over my
face because I'm like, oh my gosh, like I feel
(22:05):
trapped in this apartment because like my way out would
be to like go and walk or go and like
to target and not like and avoid any situation with
like food that I felt was unsafe for bad quotation works.
And so you know what really started for me in
terms of the exposure process was living with those two
(22:25):
girls that saw me every day and really noticed patterns
and me that we're not healthy and they had really
healthy relationships with food and exercise, and I think living
within the contrast and they really didn't even know me
that well, but it really ended up that night because
I think they could pick up that I was super
anxious about eating the sugar cookies, and one of the
(22:47):
girls was like, in like, we love you so much,
people only known you for like five months, but like
we just have seen a pattern with food and exercise
that we're concerned about. And so for me, I think
it was the process obviously of like living in close
to community with people, but I had to choose obviously,
like in those moments like having roommates and that type
of thing. I think it can be easy sometimes when
(23:08):
like you may live alone, or you may be new
to Nashville or new to a city that you're like
I don't have anyone that actually knows me, well, at
least I think for me, it was like walking in
those relationships with roommates. Um. And I'm sure everyone has
had some experience with roommates, but yeah, does that answer
the question? I feel like that's a long way home,
but yeah it does. I was just curious for you,
(23:30):
like what what that moment looks like. I get curious
about what is the final straw that gets you to realize. Oh,
and in your case, it was people that cared about you,
that noticed certain things and sat you down and shared
it with you. You know, everyone's story is a little
bit different, but I'd just like to share kind of
(23:51):
the light bulb moment and then the lymph node. Yeah,
this is going to say the lymph node. So in
the summer of twenty one eighteen, so as all most
women do in the summer. If you don't, that's fine too.
But like I went and got a bikini ax um
for a beach trip, and my limp node I had
like a swollen limp node right by my bikini line,
(24:13):
which I know is usually like limp nodes in your
neck or under your armpit are ones that typically people
are aware of, UM, But you actually have like five
hundred different lift nodes all of your body. And so
I just had like this raise like place that once
I had my bikini acts, I was like, oh, wow,
that's not supposed to be there. And so I had
a friend look at it who was in the medical field,
(24:35):
and she's like, I think you need to go look.
Get this looked at going to the doctor and she's like, oh,
I think it's just like an infected lymph node, Like
watch it, see what happens. It should go down in
the next week or so. And then I went home.
So that was like from July to November it was
still there. And I think also like as women as
human beings, a lot of times, like something that's happening
(24:56):
with your body, it's like you know it's there, but
you don't want to acknowledge it because it's like impacting
your everyday life. But it's like, oh, this is not
probably supposed to be here. But I'm just gonna like
live my life because I'm too busy to care about
myself because I'm caring for other people and working. And
so my sister was a nurse practitioner, and so I
went home for the steaming break and she looked at
it and she was like, you gotta go get this
(25:17):
looked at. And so in January of twenty nineteen, so
it had had been there. I mean, I'm not really
even sure for how long, but it was like obviously
noticed in like the summer, and then January and tween
nineteen was actually when I was like referred, referred, referred,
and then finally landed like a general surgeon who they
(25:38):
had thought that it was like hernia or something that
they were just like, your really healthy in terms of
like your age. You have no like cancer symptoms like
weight loss or loss of sleep or fatigue. Like they
literally had no thought in their head like this is
going to be cancer. But um they're like we're gonna
buy oop see it. And so I got to buy
out sea, Like I went on a Friday to my
(25:59):
like the general surgeon, and then on that following Monday,
she was like overtaking it out and we're byop seeing it.
And then it was like on that following Thursday that
they got the pathology report back. So yeah, it was
just a random lump that I had that was somewhere
that shouldn't have been And I really did at the time,
I didn't think anything about it. I was just like, oh,
(26:21):
I've been in the lake, you know, I've had I
worked a summer camp, and it's probably just like an
infected limp notes. I think just being super aware of
your body, and I think that can also be hard
for someone who has walked through an EEN disorder, or
who has had some type of like just obsession with
your body, or just like having this sense of like
I want to care for my body, but and having
(26:42):
a healthy awareness of what's happening on the inside and
also on the outside of your body. Because for sure,
I think when they finally diagnosed me, it was like
stage two going into stage three is in multiple limp
nodes within like lap helvis. So I think just being
aware of your body and knowing like, hey, this looks
at normal, I need to go to the the doctor for me,
I think it was one of those things that like
(27:02):
I knew something wasn't right, but I honestly didn't want
to acknowledge it because I was scared. I'm thinking of
you know, yours was a bikini wax, and obviously the
limp noode could have stood out to you, but the
bikini wax person, technician or whatever. It's crazy that she
was the first one. It makes me think of I
knew a woman once where she fell off her horse
(27:24):
and she went in she broke her collar bone, and
when they were doing the X ray for her collar bone,
they found a tumor. And otherwise that tumor may not
have ever been detected at least as early as it was,
and they were able to get it. And so it
is kind of crazy how sometimes you you realize certain
things that are going on in your body because cancer
is crazy. You can't the lymph node, like you said,
(27:46):
if it's swollen. My mom's particular cancer ended up growing
on the outside of her body eventually before that, though
it was internal. And that's a lot of times how
you see it. And even in the X rays or
on the screen, doctors sometimes would be like, well, see
this dot here. We don't really know if that's a mass,
Like this is a mass. That might be a mass,
(28:06):
but it just looks like this blob on the screen.
And then witnessing it grow aggressively on the outside, you
see how wild this cancer is. I would have never
thought I'm like you. I would have just been like, oh,
did I get bit or yeah, do I have like
in grown hair situation? And what is happening? So this
(28:29):
is just I love that this is also a p
s A and a reminder to pay attention and ask
questions and like you went to a friend and then
you went to your sister and then you you know,
it doesn't mean you always have to just book a
doctor's appoint at asap, because I don't know, some people
are depending on your insurance or what that might be daunting.
But do you have anybody you can call that's like, hey,
(28:49):
can you just look at this for me? Yes, someone
told me one time, like once you walk through a
swater recovery or you are going through a swater recovery,
or you're choosing that journey. It's like, even when I'm
in the grocery store, if I walk by someone who
may be struggling or who maybe in the middle of
you know, that journey. I don't know, you just sense it.
It's a it's an interesting like connection where I feel
(29:11):
like even people I don't know, I'm like, I wonder
if that's something that they're struggling with or they're walking
through um and not that I would say something. But
I think you just once you're like, have walked a
similar journey, whether it's a miswater or cancer. It's like
or I'll see someone that may be bald or maybe
you know, just like functioning in a way that looks
similar to how I functioned going through chemo. It's like
(29:32):
this heart connection. So yeah, I think that's it's always
being reminded of the influence that you have on other
people and to use that influence for good. For sure, Emily,
thank you so much for sharing your stories with us.
Thank you, Amy Do. You have definitely been through a
lot and can use that now that you're on the
other side of it to be that encouragement for others.
(29:56):
So thank you for doing it and you're on that way.
Thank you so much for having me. It was great.
Beat here m
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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