September 11, 2021 • 38 mins
Food blogger Madeline Tague (@madaboutfood) shares the 10 things she learned since she quit her 12 years of dieting (plus, the effect on her business).
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't lend my body out out everything that I'm
made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. I'm
learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it is beautiful and I will always out way if
(00:23):
you feel it with your eys in the air, She'll
love to the moot there say good day and did
you and die out? Welcome back to Outweigh. Today's episode
is really exciting for me, Lisa, because I'm interviewing a
long time internet friend of mine who we've never met
(00:44):
in person. I don't think right, we have like a
little special something happening over the years. It's my friend Madeleine.
Mad about Food is her Instagram. I'm gonna put her
amazing website in the show notes below as well because
her recipe these are out of this world and her
online presence is just such a dream. So today's episode
(01:07):
is having Madeline on as a guest to talk about
her relationship to dieting and what prompted this was a
great newsletter that she put out that says, after twelve
years as a chronic diet or, I decided to quit
diets forever the ten things I learned since quitting dieting.
So welcome, thanks for having me. So excited to have you,
(01:28):
especially because you're one of those people and this is
maybe a strange thing to say, but you're one of
those people that I see that has so much going
on professionally, so successful, so good at what you do,
and also really confident in a relationship, all these things
that I almost like, i'd never guessed that you were
(01:49):
struggling with food. I get that response a lot with
like any of the struggles I've had in life. So
you mentioned I'm in a relationship, I'm in like a
same sex relationship. So I'm marry to a woman, And
I get that same response from people who ask me
about my process coming out, because I have this like
someone in your face confidence and it's a little bit
(02:10):
of a mask, but I've always had it, Like I've
always been speak up for myself. I'm always the kid
in the classroom who like talks over the boys and
tells them like you know what's up, because it's usually
boys who when you're younger, are more talkative in class,
I feel like, and so I've definitely been at like
bossy little girl. I guess I should say. And so
(02:31):
even with coming out and with this whole thing, I've
definitely always been one of those people like easy for
me to hide behind confidence, and it's a recurrent theme
that people in my life say, like what, I just
thought you were okay. So definitely not the first person
to say that, And I don't know why I felt
like including that, and I hope it doesn't like make
(02:51):
you feel any other way. I think even more because
we don't even have that like personal in person relationship.
But more you run a food blog, you know your
rest a piece. When I see them, they don't feel restrictive,
they feel really balanced and beautiful. And you know, I'm
somebody who kind of has like a trained eye for
people that are struggling with food. And yet I just
(03:13):
feel like you kind of would have slipped under my
radar if we didn't have a little bit of a
personal relationship where you've told me. And I guess the
whole point of me even bringing it up is just
to say that everybody struggles with something. But when it
comes to weight and dieting and thinking about food or
body image, there's so much that goes, you know, before
what meets the eye, and you just never know what
(03:35):
somebody's going through. So twelve years as a chronic dieter,
let's just kind of start there. Yeah, So I guess
I was like edging on thirteen, So I'm trying to
do thirteen minus my age would be fifteen. I think
it probably could say it started before that, But like
I said, I will always have this like confident I've
got everything under control of personality. And I think everything
(03:59):
I've done in life, I've done it from like it
comes from my own brain. I want to do it.
It's my thing. And a lot of people have this
history of like maybe they started dieting because they saw
something their parents did, or they saw something a friended
or an older sister or whatever. But I just I
guess saw, like in news media or around that, like
(04:20):
there was something to be done of like control what
you eat. It's a big was always a big control
thing for me. Everything in my life that's a struggle
is somewhat related to like control and needing to control
when I think a lot of women relate to that,
whether it's dieting or other things in life. And so
when I first started dieting as a fifteen year older.
(04:41):
As a high schooler, I was going through S A
t S and the college application process somewhat of a
type over achiever teenager, and I was like, oh, this
is something else that I could focus on, right, Like
I could control a hundred and fifty percent of this.
I can't control a hundred a deepercent of what I
do on the S A T S. But this is
(05:02):
like my own thing. Then. Since then, it's just been
this arc of my life of like, when things get tough,
I lean on or used to lean on, that form
of restriction or control. And I have like a very
like stocky, solid body. So I think a lot of
(05:24):
people would have looked at me, even at my lowest
point and been like, oh, she's fine, she's very healthy looking,
or people would compliment me even that I was maybe
thinner than I had been in the past. And so
I think that's where like I even got more inspired
to share more of it, because, like you said, everyone's
struggling and we all are trained to be like, let
(05:45):
me look at your body and let me see what
your body looks like, and then I'll judge your health
based on that, right, And it was such an eye
opening process for me to like go back and look
at moments in my life where I'm like, Okay, that
was my thinnest way ever, my most miserable, And then
I see myself in pictures with friends and friends who
I know like don't give a hoot about what they eat,
(06:06):
and I look bigger than them in the photos. Right,
So it's just this crazy thing that like it's been
twelve years of dieting and twelve years of somewhat silent
suffering because of how my body looks compared to other
women and because of my personality of everything is all good,
(06:26):
Everything's good. Look at these super healthy meals I share
on Instagram, whether I'm eating them or not. It's like
the other layer of it. But like that was the
ark of my life. And the other piece of it
that I'm we could talk about more is that I
have two autoimmune diseases, and unfortunately the world told me
that like what I was doing and controlling my food
(06:49):
was rewarded in that community, right, Like the less you eat,
the more you cut out, the better autoimmune warrior you are.
And that has been like the biggest change in the
last year for me to be like that is so toxic.
That is so misleading a because everybody's body is different.
(07:09):
So right, So like you're told to be vegan, keto,
paleo whatever to be to curire autoimmune disease, but doesn't
mean like one of those things it's gonna work for everyone.
And doing those things puts an immense amount of stress
on your body, especially if you jump from standard American
diet to one of them, or from vegan to keta. Who, right, Like,
(07:30):
whatever you're doing, it's not always gonna be this like
amazing transformation that people make it seem like in the
autoimmune disease community. And I don't want to shame anyone
who I walk a really fine line between shaming people
who find relief from these kinds of diets, right, and
my journey, But that was a really big piece of
my diet journey and what stopped me eventually because of
(07:52):
that constant pedonic treadmill of keep cutting things out. I
was on the carnivore diet so literally, like that was
the last thing I did, and I was eating red
meat and water for a month, and like there is
nowhere to go from their? Right, Okay, got it is
it possible that having to autoimmune diseases also very much
(08:13):
contributed to the dieting that you've done over the last
twelve years, not just the desire to want to change
your body physically. Yeah, so I think it's layered for
me personally, and this is work I've done on my
own with the therapist. Of Unfortunately for me and unfortunately
for our society, I was able to use autommune disease
(08:34):
as a disguise. Right, I'm dieting because I'm this healthy
autoimmune warrior, when really, if I'm in my most honest,
like vulnerable state, I say it's all about drinking my body.
That final diet was I'm gonna go the most extreme
this thing that apparently cures everyone's arthritis. Right, And not
(08:55):
only am I going to be the healthiest person in
the world, I'm going to have the smallest, fittest body
in America. Huh. And it was so mentally draining that
that's the thing that pushed me over the edge to
look in the mirror after those thirty days and be like, Okay,
so I just drank water and eat meat for thirty days.
I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life.
I have the worst social relationships I've ever had in
(09:15):
my life. We're in the middle of the pandemic, right,
So not only is my social life this tiny circle,
I've lessened it too. I can only this very simple,
simple thing. And my body looks kind of the same
as it did thirty days ago, I hear you. So, yeah,
I think, just to expand out for a second, you know,
for anybody who has an autoimmune disease and you've found
(09:37):
the diet that works for you, and your symptoms are alleviated,
and it works fantastic, you know, just so that we
you know, speak to everybody here and and value your journey. Great.
But what you're saying, Maddie is that even though the
dieting may have stemmed from a place of wanting to
get your symptoms under control, there was for you that
(09:57):
other layer of also really wanting to change your body,
feeling some sort of control, and doing really extreme things
that impacted your quality of life. It sounds like they
didn't improve your symptoms, but let's just say that they did.
Even if they didn't prove your symptoms, they were still
causing stress for you mentally and therefore not working for you. Yeah,
(10:19):
and I think the biggest thing I say to people
is like, it's totally about a mindset, right, So if
you're in it with the mindset of like doing X
y Z helps me and I feel so much better.
But I also like live a very source normal social life.
I also eat the proper amount of calories to fuel
my body. Right for me, there was no being on
(10:39):
a diet and fueling my body properly. As soon as
I went to the let's cut certain food groups out,
and probably because of my history of dieting, I went
to not only do we cut food groups out, but
we cut down on calorie consumption. And that's where you
really hit that decrease in happiness and quality of life
because you just aren't fueled. Yeah you're I mean, most
(11:01):
of your body isn't fueled, but your brain isn't fueled.
You you're going to feel awful if you're not eating
enough calories. And I don't think we're loud enough about that.
And I don't know for me, calories like has become
not a foreign word, but a foreign word in the
concept of calories are bad, you know, but it's not
a big part of my life anymore. But I forget
(11:21):
that for so many people. That's where it always comes
back to, and it's so ingrained, and we really have
to ngo in that by recognizing that, like you said,
like that's where the misery really really really comes from.
So this last diet that you went on that you
mentioned this was June of corect Yeah, so I think,
(11:42):
like what I've said before and what we said about
control and about my health both are like this was
the peak of it. So I was working part time
as a freelance social media worker and it's a also
for myself on my business. In March with twent twenty
when the world changed, and by June I had lost
(12:03):
so much income that I had to go back to
corporate full time. And not only was that a problem,
I was under so much stress because of the COVID virus.
My wife is a nurse, so she was going to
the hospital every day. I felt like not every day,
but three times a week, and I felt like I
was worried about her, my family, myself. You know, if
you're an automy and disease, we don't know exactly what
(12:25):
you know what could happen, but you could be affected
worse by viruses. So the stress of that the stress
of having to go back to a job full time
where I had to be an in person worker in
an office full time, running my own business that was
seriously running into the ground out of my own control.
I know some food bloggers who had their best years
of their life in COVID, just wasn't me. I wasn't
(12:47):
set up that way, and I learned so much, but
I had to go back to corporate and I was
so lucky that I had a job waiting for me.
But this was a breaking point for me under the
control and health umbrella of Like, my health was the
worst it's ever been. I had no control over my life.
And I was like, Oh, the cardboard diet. It's the
most extreme diet I could ever go on. Why don't
(13:07):
I try that right now? The week I go back
to a new job. It's like literally brought cold steaks
in a lunch box. I don't know if that sounds
like good to other people, but to to me, I'm
just like, I love like salad instead before it's like
my favorite food. Like I'm all for any sort of
protein that you want to add. But was there ever
a moment we were like, hmmm, I like steak this
(13:29):
sounds good. It's so sad to say like this because
I love food so much, but I had lost sight
of like what I loved to eat totally right, Like
I didn't know what I loved anymore. So I now
today sitting here, like if you take every ingredient from
my fridge and put it in a salad bowl over lattice,
like that is my jam, Like I will eat that
(13:51):
every day. But I also do love like proteins, so
it's not all steak like not I don't. I would
assume the people who are in the carnobarde I aren't
listening down way, but maybe they are. But it's like,
but it's like, um, you can eat eggs. I love eggs,
like it's a huge part of like what I saw today.
But if I'm like in my most honest moments, I'm
not eating an egg without any sour dough bread these days,
(14:12):
you know, like there's not a day where I'm just
eating an egg alone. But there were lots of days
during this time when I was just eating an egg alone.
So does it sound particularly appealing to me right now? No,
but probably more appealing than for some other people. I
hear you. I hear you. So this newsletter that you
put out was really I waited for it. I waited
(14:33):
like two weeks for it, and then it came in
my inbox. The second I saw it, I was like,
I'm clicking this. I can't wait to read it. And
I was shocked because I didn't realize that the last
diet that you did was about a year ago. And
I love the framing of this piece ten things you
learned since you quit dieting, So I'd love if we
could just like list through them and then just see
(14:55):
kind of where that takes us. So point number one,
what did What's the first thing you learned? So I
book ended this with like my top two so number one,
number ten or like my most important but number one
is I have so much brain space for more brain
space for other things. And that's something that you don't
realize until you're out of the woods of it. And
even today, like I just went out to lunch with
(15:17):
a friend, there was no like checking the menu ahead
of time, double checking the menu, long conversation with the waitress,
or like long internal battle in my mind right about
what to order or what am I going to eat
for breakfast? So that for lunch, I can eat whatever
I want and look quote unquote normal to my friend,
what am I going to do after the lunch? Like
(15:39):
so much, I'm exhausted just listing all those things, right,
and so now you just kind of live and like
even going to the grocery store is so much more
of a non issue. It's just shopping even on a
food blogger and like a lot of it's a very
detailed list of recipes I'm making. It's not like an
obsessive process. Obsessive is like one of the only word,
(16:00):
like say, for this, and I think most people gonna
read to that like it's all consuming and you don't
even realize it till you're not fully consumed by it.
And I'm so glad you said the last part, because
that's what I was going to kind of harp on
for anyone listening that is like unable to understand what
that means. It's the most shocking realization that only happens
(16:21):
once you liberate your brain and start doing other things.
Do you realize how confined you are by the obsessive
compulsive thoughts about food control, thinking about it, feeling guilty
about it, planning for it, all you know just how
small it is. So I feel like that's all the
one that you only understand once you're on the other
side and you're like, Wow, what else does this world
(16:42):
have to offer me? And there's so much possibility on
that side. So I love that one. What's number two?
A lot of them, I think would say like on
the other side of it, I noticed, or just why
I wanted to share them? Right? So number two is
even if every human at the exact same thing, so
we would all look completely different. And I think a
lot of this goes back to systematic issues of diet culture.
We all have different bodies because of where we came from.
(17:05):
We all have different bodies because of who our families are.
We all have different bodies because of like how we're
raised or if we have an illness or if we don't,
or anything like that. And it's so funny because I
jokingly say to my wife all the time, like, you
see my grandma, That's who I'm going to be, because
when I look at pictures of her in my age,
we have the exact same body type and like she
(17:26):
just is a more plump woman, Like it's just how
she's built and she's never once been one of those
like dieting Grandma's like I'm going to eat grape grapefruit
and cottage. She's a way like those foods, So I
hate that they're like pumping on that. But she's not.
She's not the diet in Grandma. And so this was
a huge thing for me. We could all eat the
exact same, perfect paleo diet today and look different in
(17:47):
a year. And I think this is an important one
to harp on subconsciously on a subconscious level, because I think,
especially with social media, with a lot of still photos
and images of influencers that we've taken that we admire
for whatever reason, even if we know that, you know,
we're never gonna look like them, I think there is
that subconscious belief that if I just do what they're doing,
(18:11):
I will get some of that. And I think that's
a hard one to break down, all right, So let's
move into point number three. Al Right, So this one
other people were hyper aware of my dietary needs. So
this was one another one that I guess I knew
and when I was in it, but way more after
the fact, which was that like friends, family, even people
(18:31):
I hadn't seen a really long time would like double
check with me before we went to do anything, like hey,
what are you not eating right now? And it was
really hard for me every single time. For like months,
this went on to be like I'm eating everything, like
I truly am, Like I'll figure it out there. I
eat everything now, So people trying to be considerate of
(18:51):
your needs, but like it was such a focus about
you that always came up. Yeah, and it made me
almost feel like I was like it was like a
little bit of like shame of like I was that person.
I'm lucky that a lot of my friends in life
are so normal with food and I hate that word,
but they're so normal with food that like I was
the difficult one. And so it took a while to
like make it through my whole rotation of people I
(19:14):
know and I eat meals with to be like, yeah,
I'm any restaurants, good gluten cheese, meats, not meats whatever.
I love that. I feel like I guess me because
like I'm a registered dietitian too, because it's been a
long time since I've kind of been in you know,
my things that I eat don't eat and I could
eat anywhere as well. But I feel like I'm still
(19:34):
gootting through the people of oh, you know, there's nothing
for you to eat at my house, and it's kind
of fun to be like to show them, no, I eat,
I eat everything. You know, but you didn't even realize
what a focus your diet was for other people. Yeah,
that was the thing. I was like, cool, people really
like knew me as the girl who was on some
kind of a diet. I feel like if Amy were here,
(19:55):
she would be saying that relates because she has a
lot of people in her life too that I just
saw her as eating so differently, and now we're like, wow,
you're so much more fun to be around, even relatives
like we do very consistently, like summer summer dinner, my
grandmother's Sunday night dinner. She's a big Italian and there
was always like zotos or something for me. And it's
(20:17):
like somewhat pains me now to like realize that. But
that's why I wanted to emphasize it's been a year,
because we're finally one full summer from when I did
the carn Aboard diet, and it's like I show up
now when no one even mentions what I eat or
don't eat. I love point number five. I still have
candy in my freezer from Halloween. I genuinely do. It's
(20:39):
a bag. I know exactly what it is. It's a
because my sister just eight one. It's a bag of
Reese's bats. And I had so many different Reces candies
because I was developing recipes with them, and I am
the kind of person who like had to finish and
I think a lot of people can relate to this.
Had to finish the point of ice cream, had to finish,
the bag of candy, had to finish. The bag of
chips Ashley Chips. Saw the chips for like my guilt food,
(21:03):
and I would buy them only if I was out
in the car. Finish the whole bag in the car
and throw out the evidence like at a gas station.
A rich yea rich, a ritual comfort. A shame around that, right,
Like I'm not allowed to be the person who eats
two chips, and now I just buy chips regular, like
like that's the only way for me, at least, especially
(21:24):
to get out of this, was to make these foods
just as regular as romaine lettuce, right, So like they
go in my card in the store just as often.
I probably don't even eat them as often as romaine
lettuce to be honest these days. But like it's the
whole idea that like they're not off limits. They don't
only get purchased at the gas station. You can purchase
them whenever you want them. And that's another one of
(21:46):
thing that like I think took me six months to
get to that point. You don't realize how long it
takes to get over that obsession. But now one year later,
without willpower, you have Halloween candy in your freezer just
because you haven't thought about it as much. Yeah, Like
I opened the freezer how many times a day to
get ice and I just like to see it. And
I'm like, Okay, if I wanted one, I'd eat it.
(22:07):
I have things that i'd like want more, right, Like
you realize that there were things that you were so
obsessed over that you don't even like that much. Like
i also have a ton of ice cream in my freezer,
and I'm just a salty person, so like I'd rather pretzels.
That was a huge exactly same one for me to
such a sweet person. Thought I needed all the willpower,
all the rules, and I turned out. I'm way more
(22:30):
of a salty we have the we have the same
like flavor profile. I just love that one because I
feel like the rules, especially even around Halloween and social media,
are all these rules to not eat the candy and
to throw it out immediately or give it away or
you know, all these like external rules and in reality,
when you just think, no, that you could have these bats,
(22:51):
you know, in November, December, February, March, April, May, June, July,
they sit there and they lose all of their appeal.
It's just like such a great ample of how we
do it all kind of wrong, all right. Number six? Okay,
So this one is what I talked about a little bit,
starting to get into my autoimmune disease health journey. What
we eat is just one tiny piece of the health puzzle,
(23:13):
and I have no health qualifications background. So I always
want to say that when I talk about this, right,
because it's all from my own perspective. But I lost
sight of all the other things we do for health
when I was so into food and so obsessed with food.
I lost sight of the fact that, like, because I
didn't eat an ad equipped dinner, I stayed up all
night hungry in bed right, so sleep I loose sleep.
(23:35):
I was consistently dehydrated when I wasn't eating enough because
we don't realize how much hydrations in our fruits and vegetables, right, Hydration, sleep, stress,
reduction just as an activity, um movement, as a joyful thing, right,
and not as a punishment. So many different pieces that
I've been able to add back in, and that goes
back to like space in my brain for them, like
(23:57):
we don't even notice how much our takes over and says,
I don't have space to think about meditation, right, because
you've spent twelve hours of your eighteen hour waking period
thinking of food. You want to do all these activities,
go for your run, do your job, think about all
this food for all this time, and you want me
to meditate and do red light therapy and get enough
(24:20):
sleep and drink water between each of these things. It's
just like, oh, I had space for those things. My
brain could breathe, I could breathe, I could incorporate things
that help me. And number seven is super interesting. Continuing
on with your autoimmune disease symptoms. The thing I didn't
write in the newsletter that I'll share here is that
I'm in fertility treatments right now, so my blood is
(24:41):
being drawn some weeks every other day a lot, but frequently,
so people are checking my vitals frequently. My health improved
when I stopped dieting, even though my weight increased, right,
my health over health improved and my autoimmune disease symptoms
improved dramatically. I have very little services on my body
(25:02):
and almost no art right is pain day to day.
And that was the thing that I was like, Oh,
I am for sure going to wake up stiff every
day if I let myself eat whenever I want, whenever
I want. Because I started this journey literally going from
like zero to a hundred, I just said, like, no
food off limit. I mean whatever I want, whenever I want.
And sure there are days when I still have pain,
(25:22):
but autommune diseases cyclical, so they're flare ups, and sometimes
the flare ups, most of the time the flare ups
have nothing to do with what I've eaten. And that
was a huge eye opener for me. And I know
this is one of those topics where it's like so
different for everyone else. I'm very lucky that I've learned
that I truly have no allergies or intolerance is to food.
I'm just one of those people who's lucky that I
can eat everything. And so for me, like I feel,
(25:46):
I feel so much better. It's kind of crazy almost.
And now I have what's something that's called and I'll
say it wrong, but it's like an immediate autommune response.
A few people have it. It's called instant autommune response
something like that. I get it from things like certain
types of white wine, certain things that I eat, but
also levels of stress in my body. So I'll go
(26:06):
through a really stressful moment and immediately start to feel
a tightening in my joints, in my fingers especially, And
I'm lucky to I say that, I'm lucky to have
the barometer a little bit to be like, oh, I
know when this is affecting me. And when I stopped
all of the obsession of food, I was able to
tune into that even more and see that stress was
(26:27):
my biggest trigger across the board. And I could see
that on days when I had just happened to eat,
like let's say I had eggs and some veggies for breakfast,
and it happened to have a salad with some protein
for lunch, and then in the afternoon a stressful event
would happen and I would have an autoimmune response. Clearly
that wasn't like I wasn't eating chips and candy all
day and then I had an not an immune response.
(26:48):
So this is one of the things that I say
is controversial. Wouldn't happen for everybody. Don't know that would
home for everybody, but from me was a huge eye opener,
and I'm very thankful. And one more thing that you said,
very briefly. I think it's important is that we really
confilate weight loss with healthier everything. And you said it
very quickly, but you said my weight went up, but
(27:10):
my symptoms improved as well as my labs. So your
condition improved even though your weight went up. And I
just think that's an a huge thing to highlight because
it's so ingrained to believe that the way goes down,
the labs get better. In fact, and here you are,
you know, really great proof that that's not the case.
(27:32):
And wait, maybe your weight could go down and your
symptoms could improve, but your weight went up and your
symptoms improved. And I don't think we talked about that
inverse relationship and its existence. Enough, what's number eight? Sorry,
I'll go back for just a second. I even have
post something I'm at about who I try to go
back and delete some of my most like now I
know problematic, but I probably have one so where I
(27:54):
talked about if I have a certain amount of weight
on my joints, my arthritis pain is worse, right, Or
maybe that's true in an extreme sense, But the fluctuation
I was referencing in those posts couldn't have possibly been that.
It was something else. But I was so obsessed with
being in a smaller body that I was like, I
can blame my weight on these symptoms. You also said
(28:17):
it's the one thing you could control. So if I
could pinpoint and I can't control these player ups, if
I can't control my weight, if the weight is causing it,
then I'll just go back to controlling the weight, which
you have admitted. Is you know how you deal with
I mean, when things physically hurt, craving control is so
you know necessary that we have to get rid of
the pain, and so we go for the most obvious,
(28:40):
but sometimes it causes more pain. Yes, exactly. We're so
trained to hate pain, any little bit of it. We
call being uncomfortable being a pain? Is how much as
a society we hate pain? True? So true? What's number eight?
First my business suffered, then my business thrives. So I
actually remember I think texting you about this because we
were talking the beginning. When I first stopped dieting, I
(29:02):
had so little interest in food as a concept, and
this took, like I'm saying, all these takes months, but
this was probably like about a month or two into hardcore,
I let myself whatever I want. I am getting more
in touch with what real hunger and fullness means to me. Right,
all those things food was fuel and not in the
(29:23):
food is this perfect fuel kind of thing. It was
more of a food is fuel. I got to get
it in my body to keep on with my day.
But it's not interesting to me anymore. I left this
world of I'm so obsessed with the purity of my
food and moved to this world of I need to
eat to live and be fueled enough. But I don't
care that it's gluten free, vegan, right or whatever it is.
(29:45):
It's not being interesting. And I had to share that
on mat about food. I stopped sharing recipes frequently I
had to share and say, hey, I'm not that into
this right now. And also I think there's some things
problematic with what I've shared in the past, and I'm
distancing myself from these communities, especially the Whole thirty community,
because I was known as a Whole thirty blogger. I
(30:06):
had done a Whole thirty Recipes takeover, I had grown
my following on these diets and so it clearly alienated
people in a in a thousands of followers leave in
droves kind of way. And that was fine. I was
in such a place at that point where not only
had my business tanked in COVID, I was back working
full time. I didn't have the effort to care about food.
(30:29):
I didn't have the effort to care about my business,
and you know the brain space, I just said, it's fine,
leave whatever. And then this switch happened where all of
these women showed up in my d m s. Mostly women.
I shouldn't say only, but from my perspective, it was
who said I started following you during Whole thirty Recipes,
which was probably a year prior to me quitting diets um.
So they have been with me for like a little
(30:51):
over a year at this point, right, and they stead
of started following you during whole three recipes. And I've
been on a similar journey where I realized how problematic
some of my past thoughts have been about dieting. And
I'm so thankful to you because you're one of the
few people who's talking about this in this space. And
now I was like, I got these who cares about thousands?
These ten women were so much more important to me
(31:12):
than anyone else, right, because they got it. They were
on the same page. And then I started sharing more.
I started sharing like, Hey, this is my gene size,
and I know that's gonna be triggering for some people,
but I don't think that we talked about like a
medium body size enough, right, Like, there's many of the
fashion bloggers are in super small bodies. Many of the
plus size fashion bloggers are in a larger body than
(31:33):
I'm in, So what about me if I'm like a
thirty or whatever it is? Right? And so many women
were like, thank you for saying that, because that made
me feel so much more normal about my size. It
became this thing, and so my business started to grow
because I felt comfortable and who I was and food
started being excited to me again. I started realizing what
foods I loved, what recipes I wanted to make. My
(31:54):
recipes were so much more exciting to me because I
actually liked the food, I was actually eating the food.
And I've had the best six months of my business,
even to that every single month is a record month
for me on my blog. And so that's just like
an amazing feeling. I mean, that's just also incredible because
I feel like whatever you know, as you grow as
a public figure, which you know you are any blogger,
(32:16):
is it can feel really scary to say, oh, what
I said, what I did in the past, I don't
align with anymore, especially if that's who flocked towards you.
And I've witnessed plenty of bloggers get backlash for evolving,
like you said, maybe you didn't get backlash, but you
lost the followers, which is a loss of income because
that's eyes on your page and brands that you work with,
(32:36):
I assume, so taking that leap to be authentic is
so hard, and yet it is also what makes you
stand out. And I loved hearing you say that the
ten women that you know you did hear from were
so much more important than the thousands, because again I
think that is like just who you are and makes
you stand out as a great individual. So I just
(32:57):
love that. What's number nine? Number nine? I still have
hard days. So this is what I was searching for
with diets, right that, like, if I eat the perfect diet,
everything else in my life is perfect because I controlled
this thing, and then everything else would have fall into place.
And the same thing happened when I stopped dieting. Right
(33:17):
when I'm on this journey to stop being obsessed with food,
I had this notion that like, once I get to
that land where I am right now, where food is
just normal to me and I don't feel any way
about it, the other things that are hard in my
life will be easy to right. And it's not true.
It's not true. Just like diet is only one a
piece of the health puzzle, diet is also only one
(33:38):
piece of the mental health puzzle. And and my anxiety
levels as a whole are definitely much lower because we
know that when you're not fed, it's going to increase
your anxiety. You're gonna be more geary, it's just known.
So for me, that was a huge problem. I would
just like fully not be eating until two pm some days,
and of course when two pm hits something such a
(34:00):
heightened state of stress, anxiety, hyper awareness that I'm not
doing well. So I will say being fed, fully fed,
has helped those things. But I still have really good
days and really bound days in a similar way that
I did when I was dieting. What you eat doesn't
change all of the other circumstances of your life. Yeah,
I think that's the guys that were constantly being back,
(34:22):
you know, roped back into that elusive net that says, again,
I think subconsciously, if I can change my body, if
I can look a certain way, the other problems will
go away. And that's like super subconscious, but it's there.
And I also just just for a reminder for anybody
who is experiences that anxiety throughout the day, not to
say that food will heal your anxiety. However, nutrients or
(34:45):
nutrients for a reason, and they are the building blocks
for many of our neurotransmitters and the things in our
brain that make us feel calm and happy. So we
have to also think about food more than just for
our bodies, but for our brain as well, and for
our overall feelings of mental health. So thank you for
saying that number ten, the one we've been waiting for. Yeah,
(35:08):
so my life is more full. So just everything about
my life is more colorful, fun, spontaneous, lively, all these
things because I don't agonize over what I eat in
any way, it's just easier. Life is easier when I
don't have the whole like what do I eat today
(35:30):
hanging over my head, right like when I wake up
in the morning and I look out at my day.
There is still a lot to be dealt with, but
what I eat three times a day or not eat
three times a day is not one of them. And
just like socially, I mean, I know if you're on
a roller coaster of what's acceptable and unacceptable for social things,
but what is served at the restaurant doesn't have to
(35:52):
go under my what can I do today? You know,
there's so many other things to worry about that I
don't have to worry about what that restaurant serves. I
love it. And that is the one thing I hear
time and time again is my life is more full.
And I think it was your first one. Yeah, that
you have so much more brain space for other things.
(36:12):
These are the two that when you are in the struggle.
If you're listening and you're in the struggle and you
can't understand, it's what you're fighting for, whether you could
hear it or not, it's it's the space and a
new dimension of life that you don't know exists because
your current brain structure is so limited by those obsessive
compulsive feelings. So if you want to know what you're
(36:34):
fighting for, it's this. I call it like a new
dimension because you can't see it until you break through.
And then again, going back to that what I said originally,
it's like there's so much more possibility. And I love
that you use the word vibrant and colorful, like you
get your life back. It goes from black and white
to color. It's like black and white to color TV.
It's the real upgrade. Yeah, I've heard a lot of
(36:57):
people say this about whether it's a needing disorder or
distorted eating or whatever you struggle with, or just e've
interest chronic dieting. It's like you have a filter on
and it's that new trendy Instagram filter that's like a
little hazy. There's a first layer before someone else's face,
and the layer is like what do they think about
my body? What do I think about their body? What
am I eating? Like it's blinding me and it's gone.
(37:21):
Now that's the difference, and I totally you know, I like,
do you keep reminding people? It's so hard when you're
in it. You have to do some of the other
things first to get to one in time, and then
once you're there, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, that's
what Lisa and Maddie were talking about, like this is
this is the fuller the fuller life, and it's it's
(37:41):
the liberation and once you get there, you I'm not
gonna say you can't go back going back to there
aren't hard days and that this is just like a
trajectory upward. But once you experience the colorful life, it's
hard to go back to black and white. Yeah, And
I think that there's so many moments where I had
like this, you almost feet like a fear of like
(38:01):
am I strong enough to keep on this path? Right?
Am I strong enough to be the person who doesn't diet?
But the more you do it, the more you you
stay out. It's just one of for me, at least
be one of those things that like, the more you
have the winds, the more you're like, I'm not going
backwards now. Well, I'm so proud of you and I'm
so thankful that you shared this with your community and
(38:22):
continued to stay authentic to yourself even though it came
with an initial loss and now a huge gain, which
is what we see time and time again. So we're
gonna link all of your information below. This is the
food blog that you want in your life and go
follow Maddie on Instagram. Will put that information below as well,
And thank you so much, mad We'll see you soon.
(38:43):
Thank you so much for me
I won't lend my body out out everything that I'm
made do. Won't spend my life trying to change. I'm
learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it is beautiful and I will always out way if
(00:23):
you feel it with your eys in the air, She'll
love to the moot there say good day and did
you and die out? Welcome back to Outweigh. Today's episode
is really exciting for me, Lisa, because I'm interviewing a
long time internet friend of mine who we've never met
(00:44):
in person. I don't think right, we have like a
little special something happening over the years. It's my friend Madeleine.
Mad about Food is her Instagram. I'm gonna put her
amazing website in the show notes below as well because
her recipe these are out of this world and her
online presence is just such a dream. So today's episode
(01:07):
is having Madeline on as a guest to talk about
her relationship to dieting and what prompted this was a
great newsletter that she put out that says, after twelve
years as a chronic diet or, I decided to quit
diets forever the ten things I learned since quitting dieting.
So welcome, thanks for having me. So excited to have you,
(01:28):
especially because you're one of those people and this is
maybe a strange thing to say, but you're one of
those people that I see that has so much going
on professionally, so successful, so good at what you do,
and also really confident in a relationship, all these things
that I almost like, i'd never guessed that you were
(01:49):
struggling with food. I get that response a lot with
like any of the struggles I've had in life. So
you mentioned I'm in a relationship, I'm in like a
same sex relationship. So I'm marry to a woman, And
I get that same response from people who ask me
about my process coming out, because I have this like
someone in your face confidence and it's a little bit
(02:10):
of a mask, but I've always had it, Like I've
always been speak up for myself. I'm always the kid
in the classroom who like talks over the boys and
tells them like you know what's up, because it's usually
boys who when you're younger, are more talkative in class,
I feel like, and so I've definitely been at like
bossy little girl. I guess I should say. And so
(02:31):
even with coming out and with this whole thing, I've
definitely always been one of those people like easy for
me to hide behind confidence, and it's a recurrent theme
that people in my life say, like what, I just
thought you were okay. So definitely not the first person
to say that, And I don't know why I felt
like including that, and I hope it doesn't like make
(02:51):
you feel any other way. I think even more because
we don't even have that like personal in person relationship.
But more you run a food blog, you know your
rest a piece. When I see them, they don't feel restrictive,
they feel really balanced and beautiful. And you know, I'm
somebody who kind of has like a trained eye for
people that are struggling with food. And yet I just
(03:13):
feel like you kind of would have slipped under my
radar if we didn't have a little bit of a
personal relationship where you've told me. And I guess the
whole point of me even bringing it up is just
to say that everybody struggles with something. But when it
comes to weight and dieting and thinking about food or
body image, there's so much that goes, you know, before
what meets the eye, and you just never know what
(03:35):
somebody's going through. So twelve years as a chronic dieter,
let's just kind of start there. Yeah, So I guess
I was like edging on thirteen, So I'm trying to
do thirteen minus my age would be fifteen. I think
it probably could say it started before that, But like
I said, I will always have this like confident I've
got everything under control of personality. And I think everything
(03:59):
I've done in life, I've done it from like it
comes from my own brain. I want to do it.
It's my thing. And a lot of people have this
history of like maybe they started dieting because they saw
something their parents did, or they saw something a friended
or an older sister or whatever. But I just I
guess saw, like in news media or around that, like
(04:20):
there was something to be done of like control what
you eat. It's a big was always a big control
thing for me. Everything in my life that's a struggle
is somewhat related to like control and needing to control
when I think a lot of women relate to that,
whether it's dieting or other things in life. And so
when I first started dieting as a fifteen year older.
(04:41):
As a high schooler, I was going through S A
t S and the college application process somewhat of a
type over achiever teenager, and I was like, oh, this
is something else that I could focus on, right, Like
I could control a hundred and fifty percent of this.
I can't control a hundred a deepercent of what I
do on the S A T S. But this is
(05:02):
like my own thing. Then. Since then, it's just been
this arc of my life of like, when things get tough,
I lean on or used to lean on, that form
of restriction or control. And I have like a very
like stocky, solid body. So I think a lot of
(05:24):
people would have looked at me, even at my lowest
point and been like, oh, she's fine, she's very healthy looking,
or people would compliment me even that I was maybe
thinner than I had been in the past. And so
I think that's where like I even got more inspired
to share more of it, because, like you said, everyone's
struggling and we all are trained to be like, let
(05:45):
me look at your body and let me see what
your body looks like, and then I'll judge your health
based on that, right, And it was such an eye
opening process for me to like go back and look
at moments in my life where I'm like, Okay, that
was my thinnest way ever, my most miserable, And then
I see myself in pictures with friends and friends who
I know like don't give a hoot about what they eat,
(06:06):
and I look bigger than them in the photos. Right,
So it's just this crazy thing that like it's been
twelve years of dieting and twelve years of somewhat silent
suffering because of how my body looks compared to other
women and because of my personality of everything is all good,
(06:26):
Everything's good. Look at these super healthy meals I share
on Instagram, whether I'm eating them or not. It's like
the other layer of it. But like that was the
ark of my life. And the other piece of it
that I'm we could talk about more is that I
have two autoimmune diseases, and unfortunately the world told me
that like what I was doing and controlling my food
(06:49):
was rewarded in that community, right, Like the less you eat,
the more you cut out, the better autoimmune warrior you are.
And that has been like the biggest change in the
last year for me to be like that is so toxic.
That is so misleading a because everybody's body is different.
(07:09):
So right, So like you're told to be vegan, keto,
paleo whatever to be to curire autoimmune disease, but doesn't
mean like one of those things it's gonna work for everyone.
And doing those things puts an immense amount of stress
on your body, especially if you jump from standard American
diet to one of them, or from vegan to keta. Who, right, Like,
(07:30):
whatever you're doing, it's not always gonna be this like
amazing transformation that people make it seem like in the
autoimmune disease community. And I don't want to shame anyone
who I walk a really fine line between shaming people
who find relief from these kinds of diets, right, and
my journey, But that was a really big piece of
my diet journey and what stopped me eventually because of
(07:52):
that constant pedonic treadmill of keep cutting things out. I
was on the carnivore diet so literally, like that was
the last thing I did, and I was eating red
meat and water for a month, and like there is
nowhere to go from their? Right, Okay, got it is
it possible that having to autoimmune diseases also very much
(08:13):
contributed to the dieting that you've done over the last
twelve years, not just the desire to want to change
your body physically. Yeah, so I think it's layered for
me personally, and this is work I've done on my
own with the therapist. Of Unfortunately for me and unfortunately
for our society, I was able to use autommune disease
(08:34):
as a disguise. Right, I'm dieting because I'm this healthy
autoimmune warrior, when really, if I'm in my most honest,
like vulnerable state, I say it's all about drinking my body.
That final diet was I'm gonna go the most extreme
this thing that apparently cures everyone's arthritis. Right, And not
(08:55):
only am I going to be the healthiest person in
the world, I'm going to have the smallest, fittest body
in America. Huh. And it was so mentally draining that
that's the thing that pushed me over the edge to
look in the mirror after those thirty days and be like, Okay,
so I just drank water and eat meat for thirty days.
I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life.
I have the worst social relationships I've ever had in
(09:15):
my life. We're in the middle of the pandemic, right,
So not only is my social life this tiny circle,
I've lessened it too. I can only this very simple,
simple thing. And my body looks kind of the same
as it did thirty days ago, I hear you. So, yeah,
I think, just to expand out for a second, you know,
for anybody who has an autoimmune disease and you've found
(09:37):
the diet that works for you, and your symptoms are alleviated,
and it works fantastic, you know, just so that we
you know, speak to everybody here and and value your journey. Great.
But what you're saying, Maddie is that even though the
dieting may have stemmed from a place of wanting to
get your symptoms under control, there was for you that
(09:57):
other layer of also really wanting to change your body,
feeling some sort of control, and doing really extreme things
that impacted your quality of life. It sounds like they
didn't improve your symptoms, but let's just say that they did.
Even if they didn't prove your symptoms, they were still
causing stress for you mentally and therefore not working for you. Yeah,
(10:19):
and I think the biggest thing I say to people
is like, it's totally about a mindset, right, So if
you're in it with the mindset of like doing X
y Z helps me and I feel so much better.
But I also like live a very source normal social life.
I also eat the proper amount of calories to fuel
my body. Right for me, there was no being on
(10:39):
a diet and fueling my body properly. As soon as
I went to the let's cut certain food groups out,
and probably because of my history of dieting, I went
to not only do we cut food groups out, but
we cut down on calorie consumption. And that's where you
really hit that decrease in happiness and quality of life
because you just aren't fueled. Yeah you're I mean, most
(11:01):
of your body isn't fueled, but your brain isn't fueled.
You you're going to feel awful if you're not eating
enough calories. And I don't think we're loud enough about that.
And I don't know for me, calories like has become
not a foreign word, but a foreign word in the
concept of calories are bad, you know, but it's not
a big part of my life anymore. But I forget
(11:21):
that for so many people. That's where it always comes
back to, and it's so ingrained, and we really have
to ngo in that by recognizing that, like you said,
like that's where the misery really really really comes from.
So this last diet that you went on that you
mentioned this was June of corect Yeah, so I think,
(11:42):
like what I've said before and what we said about
control and about my health both are like this was
the peak of it. So I was working part time
as a freelance social media worker and it's a also
for myself on my business. In March with twent twenty
when the world changed, and by June I had lost
(12:03):
so much income that I had to go back to
corporate full time. And not only was that a problem,
I was under so much stress because of the COVID virus.
My wife is a nurse, so she was going to
the hospital every day. I felt like not every day,
but three times a week, and I felt like I
was worried about her, my family, myself. You know, if
you're an automy and disease, we don't know exactly what
(12:25):
you know what could happen, but you could be affected
worse by viruses. So the stress of that the stress
of having to go back to a job full time
where I had to be an in person worker in
an office full time, running my own business that was
seriously running into the ground out of my own control.
I know some food bloggers who had their best years
of their life in COVID, just wasn't me. I wasn't
(12:47):
set up that way, and I learned so much, but
I had to go back to corporate and I was
so lucky that I had a job waiting for me.
But this was a breaking point for me under the
control and health umbrella of Like, my health was the
worst it's ever been. I had no control over my life.
And I was like, Oh, the cardboard diet. It's the
most extreme diet I could ever go on. Why don't
(13:07):
I try that right now? The week I go back
to a new job. It's like literally brought cold steaks
in a lunch box. I don't know if that sounds
like good to other people, but to to me, I'm
just like, I love like salad instead before it's like
my favorite food. Like I'm all for any sort of
protein that you want to add. But was there ever
a moment we were like, hmmm, I like steak this
(13:29):
sounds good. It's so sad to say like this because
I love food so much, but I had lost sight
of like what I loved to eat totally right, Like
I didn't know what I loved anymore. So I now
today sitting here, like if you take every ingredient from
my fridge and put it in a salad bowl over lattice,
like that is my jam, Like I will eat that
(13:51):
every day. But I also do love like proteins, so
it's not all steak like not I don't. I would
assume the people who are in the carnobarde I aren't
listening down way, but maybe they are. But it's like,
but it's like, um, you can eat eggs. I love eggs,
like it's a huge part of like what I saw today.
But if I'm like in my most honest moments, I'm
not eating an egg without any sour dough bread these days,
(14:12):
you know, like there's not a day where I'm just
eating an egg alone. But there were lots of days
during this time when I was just eating an egg alone.
So does it sound particularly appealing to me right now? No,
but probably more appealing than for some other people. I
hear you. I hear you. So this newsletter that you
put out was really I waited for it. I waited
(14:33):
like two weeks for it, and then it came in
my inbox. The second I saw it, I was like,
I'm clicking this. I can't wait to read it. And
I was shocked because I didn't realize that the last
diet that you did was about a year ago. And
I love the framing of this piece ten things you
learned since you quit dieting, So I'd love if we
could just like list through them and then just see
(14:55):
kind of where that takes us. So point number one,
what did What's the first thing you learned? So I
book ended this with like my top two so number one,
number ten or like my most important but number one
is I have so much brain space for more brain
space for other things. And that's something that you don't
realize until you're out of the woods of it. And
even today, like I just went out to lunch with
(15:17):
a friend, there was no like checking the menu ahead
of time, double checking the menu, long conversation with the waitress,
or like long internal battle in my mind right about
what to order or what am I going to eat
for breakfast? So that for lunch, I can eat whatever
I want and look quote unquote normal to my friend,
what am I going to do after the lunch? Like
(15:39):
so much, I'm exhausted just listing all those things, right,
and so now you just kind of live and like
even going to the grocery store is so much more
of a non issue. It's just shopping even on a
food blogger and like a lot of it's a very
detailed list of recipes I'm making. It's not like an
obsessive process. Obsessive is like one of the only word,
(16:00):
like say, for this, and I think most people gonna
read to that like it's all consuming and you don't
even realize it till you're not fully consumed by it.
And I'm so glad you said the last part, because
that's what I was going to kind of harp on
for anyone listening that is like unable to understand what
that means. It's the most shocking realization that only happens
(16:21):
once you liberate your brain and start doing other things.
Do you realize how confined you are by the obsessive
compulsive thoughts about food control, thinking about it, feeling guilty
about it, planning for it, all you know just how
small it is. So I feel like that's all the
one that you only understand once you're on the other
side and you're like, Wow, what else does this world
(16:42):
have to offer me? And there's so much possibility on
that side. So I love that one. What's number two?
A lot of them, I think would say like on
the other side of it, I noticed, or just why
I wanted to share them? Right? So number two is
even if every human at the exact same thing, so
we would all look completely different. And I think a
lot of this goes back to systematic issues of diet culture.
We all have different bodies because of where we came from.
(17:05):
We all have different bodies because of who our families are.
We all have different bodies because of like how we're
raised or if we have an illness or if we don't,
or anything like that. And it's so funny because I
jokingly say to my wife all the time, like, you
see my grandma, That's who I'm going to be, because
when I look at pictures of her in my age,
we have the exact same body type and like she
(17:26):
just is a more plump woman, Like it's just how
she's built and she's never once been one of those
like dieting Grandma's like I'm going to eat grape grapefruit
and cottage. She's a way like those foods, So I
hate that they're like pumping on that. But she's not.
She's not the diet in Grandma. And so this was
a huge thing for me. We could all eat the
exact same, perfect paleo diet today and look different in
(17:47):
a year. And I think this is an important one
to harp on subconsciously on a subconscious level, because I think,
especially with social media, with a lot of still photos
and images of influencers that we've taken that we admire
for whatever reason, even if we know that, you know,
we're never gonna look like them, I think there is
that subconscious belief that if I just do what they're doing,
(18:11):
I will get some of that. And I think that's
a hard one to break down, all right, So let's
move into point number three. Al Right, So this one
other people were hyper aware of my dietary needs. So
this was one another one that I guess I knew
and when I was in it, but way more after
the fact, which was that like friends, family, even people
(18:31):
I hadn't seen a really long time would like double
check with me before we went to do anything, like hey,
what are you not eating right now? And it was
really hard for me every single time. For like months,
this went on to be like I'm eating everything, like
I truly am, Like I'll figure it out there. I
eat everything now, So people trying to be considerate of
(18:51):
your needs, but like it was such a focus about
you that always came up. Yeah, and it made me
almost feel like I was like it was like a
little bit of like shame of like I was that person.
I'm lucky that a lot of my friends in life
are so normal with food and I hate that word,
but they're so normal with food that like I was
the difficult one. And so it took a while to
like make it through my whole rotation of people I
(19:14):
know and I eat meals with to be like, yeah,
I'm any restaurants, good gluten cheese, meats, not meats whatever.
I love that. I feel like I guess me because
like I'm a registered dietitian too, because it's been a
long time since I've kind of been in you know,
my things that I eat don't eat and I could
eat anywhere as well. But I feel like I'm still
(19:34):
gootting through the people of oh, you know, there's nothing
for you to eat at my house, and it's kind
of fun to be like to show them, no, I eat,
I eat everything. You know, but you didn't even realize
what a focus your diet was for other people. Yeah,
that was the thing. I was like, cool, people really
like knew me as the girl who was on some
kind of a diet. I feel like if Amy were here,
(19:55):
she would be saying that relates because she has a
lot of people in her life too that I just
saw her as eating so differently, and now we're like, wow,
you're so much more fun to be around, even relatives
like we do very consistently, like summer summer dinner, my
grandmother's Sunday night dinner. She's a big Italian and there
was always like zotos or something for me. And it's
(20:17):
like somewhat pains me now to like realize that. But
that's why I wanted to emphasize it's been a year,
because we're finally one full summer from when I did
the carn Aboard diet, and it's like I show up
now when no one even mentions what I eat or
don't eat. I love point number five. I still have
candy in my freezer from Halloween. I genuinely do. It's
(20:39):
a bag. I know exactly what it is. It's a
because my sister just eight one. It's a bag of
Reese's bats. And I had so many different Reces candies
because I was developing recipes with them, and I am
the kind of person who like had to finish and
I think a lot of people can relate to this.
Had to finish the point of ice cream, had to finish,
the bag of candy, had to finish. The bag of
chips Ashley Chips. Saw the chips for like my guilt food,
(21:03):
and I would buy them only if I was out
in the car. Finish the whole bag in the car
and throw out the evidence like at a gas station.
A rich yea rich, a ritual comfort. A shame around that, right,
Like I'm not allowed to be the person who eats
two chips, and now I just buy chips regular, like
like that's the only way for me, at least, especially
(21:24):
to get out of this, was to make these foods
just as regular as romaine lettuce, right, So like they
go in my card in the store just as often.
I probably don't even eat them as often as romaine
lettuce to be honest these days. But like it's the
whole idea that like they're not off limits. They don't
only get purchased at the gas station. You can purchase
them whenever you want them. And that's another one of
(21:46):
thing that like I think took me six months to
get to that point. You don't realize how long it
takes to get over that obsession. But now one year later,
without willpower, you have Halloween candy in your freezer just
because you haven't thought about it as much. Yeah, Like
I opened the freezer how many times a day to
get ice and I just like to see it. And
I'm like, Okay, if I wanted one, I'd eat it.
(22:07):
I have things that i'd like want more, right, Like
you realize that there were things that you were so
obsessed over that you don't even like that much. Like
i also have a ton of ice cream in my freezer,
and I'm just a salty person, so like I'd rather pretzels.
That was a huge exactly same one for me to
such a sweet person. Thought I needed all the willpower,
all the rules, and I turned out. I'm way more
(22:30):
of a salty we have the we have the same
like flavor profile. I just love that one because I
feel like the rules, especially even around Halloween and social media,
are all these rules to not eat the candy and
to throw it out immediately or give it away or
you know, all these like external rules and in reality,
when you just think, no, that you could have these bats,
(22:51):
you know, in November, December, February, March, April, May, June, July,
they sit there and they lose all of their appeal.
It's just like such a great ample of how we
do it all kind of wrong, all right. Number six? Okay,
So this one is what I talked about a little bit,
starting to get into my autoimmune disease health journey. What
we eat is just one tiny piece of the health puzzle,
(23:13):
and I have no health qualifications background. So I always
want to say that when I talk about this, right,
because it's all from my own perspective. But I lost
sight of all the other things we do for health
when I was so into food and so obsessed with food.
I lost sight of the fact that, like, because I
didn't eat an ad equipped dinner, I stayed up all
night hungry in bed right, so sleep I loose sleep.
(23:35):
I was consistently dehydrated when I wasn't eating enough because
we don't realize how much hydrations in our fruits and vegetables, right, Hydration, sleep, stress,
reduction just as an activity, um movement, as a joyful thing, right,
and not as a punishment. So many different pieces that
I've been able to add back in, and that goes
back to like space in my brain for them, like
(23:57):
we don't even notice how much our takes over and says,
I don't have space to think about meditation, right, because
you've spent twelve hours of your eighteen hour waking period
thinking of food. You want to do all these activities,
go for your run, do your job, think about all
this food for all this time, and you want me
to meditate and do red light therapy and get enough
(24:20):
sleep and drink water between each of these things. It's
just like, oh, I had space for those things. My
brain could breathe, I could breathe, I could incorporate things
that help me. And number seven is super interesting. Continuing
on with your autoimmune disease symptoms. The thing I didn't
write in the newsletter that I'll share here is that
I'm in fertility treatments right now, so my blood is
(24:41):
being drawn some weeks every other day a lot, but frequently,
so people are checking my vitals frequently. My health improved
when I stopped dieting, even though my weight increased, right,
my health over health improved and my autoimmune disease symptoms
improved dramatically. I have very little services on my body
(25:02):
and almost no art right is pain day to day.
And that was the thing that I was like, Oh,
I am for sure going to wake up stiff every
day if I let myself eat whenever I want, whenever
I want. Because I started this journey literally going from
like zero to a hundred, I just said, like, no
food off limit. I mean whatever I want, whenever I want.
And sure there are days when I still have pain,
(25:22):
but autommune diseases cyclical, so they're flare ups, and sometimes
the flare ups, most of the time the flare ups
have nothing to do with what I've eaten. And that
was a huge eye opener for me. And I know
this is one of those topics where it's like so
different for everyone else. I'm very lucky that I've learned
that I truly have no allergies or intolerance is to food.
I'm just one of those people who's lucky that I
can eat everything. And so for me, like I feel,
(25:46):
I feel so much better. It's kind of crazy almost.
And now I have what's something that's called and I'll
say it wrong, but it's like an immediate autommune response.
A few people have it. It's called instant autommune response
something like that. I get it from things like certain
types of white wine, certain things that I eat, but
also levels of stress in my body. So I'll go
(26:06):
through a really stressful moment and immediately start to feel
a tightening in my joints, in my fingers especially, And
I'm lucky to I say that, I'm lucky to have
the barometer a little bit to be like, oh, I
know when this is affecting me. And when I stopped
all of the obsession of food, I was able to
tune into that even more and see that stress was
(26:27):
my biggest trigger across the board. And I could see
that on days when I had just happened to eat,
like let's say I had eggs and some veggies for breakfast,
and it happened to have a salad with some protein
for lunch, and then in the afternoon a stressful event
would happen and I would have an autoimmune response. Clearly
that wasn't like I wasn't eating chips and candy all
day and then I had an not an immune response.
(26:48):
So this is one of the things that I say
is controversial. Wouldn't happen for everybody. Don't know that would
home for everybody, but from me was a huge eye opener,
and I'm very thankful. And one more thing that you said,
very briefly. I think it's important is that we really
confilate weight loss with healthier everything. And you said it
very quickly, but you said my weight went up, but
(27:10):
my symptoms improved as well as my labs. So your
condition improved even though your weight went up. And I
just think that's an a huge thing to highlight because
it's so ingrained to believe that the way goes down,
the labs get better. In fact, and here you are,
you know, really great proof that that's not the case.
(27:32):
And wait, maybe your weight could go down and your
symptoms could improve, but your weight went up and your
symptoms improved. And I don't think we talked about that
inverse relationship and its existence. Enough, what's number eight? Sorry,
I'll go back for just a second. I even have
post something I'm at about who I try to go
back and delete some of my most like now I
know problematic, but I probably have one so where I
(27:54):
talked about if I have a certain amount of weight
on my joints, my arthritis pain is worse, right, Or
maybe that's true in an extreme sense, But the fluctuation
I was referencing in those posts couldn't have possibly been that.
It was something else. But I was so obsessed with
being in a smaller body that I was like, I
can blame my weight on these symptoms. You also said
(28:17):
it's the one thing you could control. So if I
could pinpoint and I can't control these player ups, if
I can't control my weight, if the weight is causing it,
then I'll just go back to controlling the weight, which
you have admitted. Is you know how you deal with
I mean, when things physically hurt, craving control is so
you know necessary that we have to get rid of
the pain, and so we go for the most obvious,
(28:40):
but sometimes it causes more pain. Yes, exactly. We're so
trained to hate pain, any little bit of it. We
call being uncomfortable being a pain? Is how much as
a society we hate pain? True? So true? What's number eight?
First my business suffered, then my business thrives. So I
actually remember I think texting you about this because we
were talking the beginning. When I first stopped dieting, I
(29:02):
had so little interest in food as a concept, and
this took, like I'm saying, all these takes months, but
this was probably like about a month or two into hardcore,
I let myself whatever I want. I am getting more
in touch with what real hunger and fullness means to me. Right,
all those things food was fuel and not in the
(29:23):
food is this perfect fuel kind of thing. It was
more of a food is fuel. I got to get
it in my body to keep on with my day.
But it's not interesting to me anymore. I left this
world of I'm so obsessed with the purity of my
food and moved to this world of I need to
eat to live and be fueled enough. But I don't
care that it's gluten free, vegan, right or whatever it is.
(29:45):
It's not being interesting. And I had to share that
on mat about food. I stopped sharing recipes frequently I
had to share and say, hey, I'm not that into
this right now. And also I think there's some things
problematic with what I've shared in the past, and I'm
distancing myself from these communities, especially the Whole thirty community,
because I was known as a Whole thirty blogger. I
(30:06):
had done a Whole thirty Recipes takeover, I had grown
my following on these diets and so it clearly alienated
people in a in a thousands of followers leave in
droves kind of way. And that was fine. I was
in such a place at that point where not only
had my business tanked in COVID, I was back working
full time. I didn't have the effort to care about food.
(30:29):
I didn't have the effort to care about my business,
and you know the brain space, I just said, it's fine,
leave whatever. And then this switch happened where all of
these women showed up in my d m s. Mostly women.
I shouldn't say only, but from my perspective, it was
who said I started following you during Whole thirty Recipes,
which was probably a year prior to me quitting diets um.
So they have been with me for like a little
(30:51):
over a year at this point, right, and they stead
of started following you during whole three recipes. And I've
been on a similar journey where I realized how problematic
some of my past thoughts have been about dieting. And
I'm so thankful to you because you're one of the
few people who's talking about this in this space. And
now I was like, I got these who cares about thousands?
These ten women were so much more important to me
(31:12):
than anyone else, right, because they got it. They were
on the same page. And then I started sharing more.
I started sharing like, Hey, this is my gene size,
and I know that's gonna be triggering for some people,
but I don't think that we talked about like a
medium body size enough, right, Like, there's many of the
fashion bloggers are in super small bodies. Many of the
plus size fashion bloggers are in a larger body than
(31:33):
I'm in, So what about me if I'm like a
thirty or whatever it is? Right? And so many women
were like, thank you for saying that, because that made
me feel so much more normal about my size. It
became this thing, and so my business started to grow
because I felt comfortable and who I was and food
started being excited to me again. I started realizing what
foods I loved, what recipes I wanted to make. My
(31:54):
recipes were so much more exciting to me because I
actually liked the food, I was actually eating the food.
And I've had the best six months of my business,
even to that every single month is a record month
for me on my blog. And so that's just like
an amazing feeling. I mean, that's just also incredible because
I feel like whatever you know, as you grow as
a public figure, which you know you are any blogger,
(32:16):
is it can feel really scary to say, oh, what
I said, what I did in the past, I don't
align with anymore, especially if that's who flocked towards you.
And I've witnessed plenty of bloggers get backlash for evolving,
like you said, maybe you didn't get backlash, but you
lost the followers, which is a loss of income because
that's eyes on your page and brands that you work with,
(32:36):
I assume, so taking that leap to be authentic is
so hard, and yet it is also what makes you
stand out. And I loved hearing you say that the
ten women that you know you did hear from were
so much more important than the thousands, because again I
think that is like just who you are and makes
you stand out as a great individual. So I just
(32:57):
love that. What's number nine? Number nine? I still have
hard days. So this is what I was searching for
with diets, right that, like, if I eat the perfect diet,
everything else in my life is perfect because I controlled
this thing, and then everything else would have fall into place.
And the same thing happened when I stopped dieting. Right
(33:17):
when I'm on this journey to stop being obsessed with food,
I had this notion that like, once I get to
that land where I am right now, where food is
just normal to me and I don't feel any way
about it, the other things that are hard in my
life will be easy to right. And it's not true.
It's not true. Just like diet is only one a
piece of the health puzzle, diet is also only one
(33:38):
piece of the mental health puzzle. And and my anxiety
levels as a whole are definitely much lower because we
know that when you're not fed, it's going to increase
your anxiety. You're gonna be more geary, it's just known.
So for me, that was a huge problem. I would
just like fully not be eating until two pm some days,
and of course when two pm hits something such a
(34:00):
heightened state of stress, anxiety, hyper awareness that I'm not
doing well. So I will say being fed, fully fed,
has helped those things. But I still have really good
days and really bound days in a similar way that
I did when I was dieting. What you eat doesn't
change all of the other circumstances of your life. Yeah,
I think that's the guys that were constantly being back,
(34:22):
you know, roped back into that elusive net that says, again,
I think subconsciously, if I can change my body, if
I can look a certain way, the other problems will
go away. And that's like super subconscious, but it's there.
And I also just just for a reminder for anybody
who is experiences that anxiety throughout the day, not to
say that food will heal your anxiety. However, nutrients or
(34:45):
nutrients for a reason, and they are the building blocks
for many of our neurotransmitters and the things in our
brain that make us feel calm and happy. So we
have to also think about food more than just for
our bodies, but for our brain as well, and for
our overall feelings of mental health. So thank you for
saying that number ten, the one we've been waiting for. Yeah,
(35:08):
so my life is more full. So just everything about
my life is more colorful, fun, spontaneous, lively, all these
things because I don't agonize over what I eat in
any way, it's just easier. Life is easier when I
don't have the whole like what do I eat today
(35:30):
hanging over my head, right like when I wake up
in the morning and I look out at my day.
There is still a lot to be dealt with, but
what I eat three times a day or not eat
three times a day is not one of them. And
just like socially, I mean, I know if you're on
a roller coaster of what's acceptable and unacceptable for social things,
but what is served at the restaurant doesn't have to
(35:52):
go under my what can I do today? You know,
there's so many other things to worry about that I
don't have to worry about what that restaurant serves. I
love it. And that is the one thing I hear
time and time again is my life is more full.
And I think it was your first one. Yeah, that
you have so much more brain space for other things.
(36:12):
These are the two that when you are in the struggle.
If you're listening and you're in the struggle and you
can't understand, it's what you're fighting for, whether you could
hear it or not, it's it's the space and a
new dimension of life that you don't know exists because
your current brain structure is so limited by those obsessive
compulsive feelings. So if you want to know what you're
(36:34):
fighting for, it's this. I call it like a new
dimension because you can't see it until you break through.
And then again, going back to that what I said originally,
it's like there's so much more possibility. And I love
that you use the word vibrant and colorful, like you
get your life back. It goes from black and white
to color. It's like black and white to color TV.
It's the real upgrade. Yeah, I've heard a lot of
(36:57):
people say this about whether it's a needing disorder or
distorted eating or whatever you struggle with, or just e've
interest chronic dieting. It's like you have a filter on
and it's that new trendy Instagram filter that's like a
little hazy. There's a first layer before someone else's face,
and the layer is like what do they think about
my body? What do I think about their body? What
am I eating? Like it's blinding me and it's gone.
(37:21):
Now that's the difference, and I totally you know, I like,
do you keep reminding people? It's so hard when you're
in it. You have to do some of the other
things first to get to one in time, and then
once you're there, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, that's
what Lisa and Maddie were talking about, like this is
this is the fuller the fuller life, and it's it's
(37:41):
the liberation and once you get there, you I'm not
gonna say you can't go back going back to there
aren't hard days and that this is just like a
trajectory upward. But once you experience the colorful life, it's
hard to go back to black and white. Yeah, And
I think that there's so many moments where I had
like this, you almost feet like a fear of like
(38:01):
am I strong enough to keep on this path? Right?
Am I strong enough to be the person who doesn't diet?
But the more you do it, the more you you
stay out. It's just one of for me, at least
be one of those things that like, the more you
have the winds, the more you're like, I'm not going
backwards now. Well, I'm so proud of you and I'm
so thankful that you shared this with your community and
(38:22):
continued to stay authentic to yourself even though it came
with an initial loss and now a huge gain, which
is what we see time and time again. So we're
gonna link all of your information below. This is the
food blog that you want in your life and go
follow Maddie on Instagram. Will put that information below as well,
And thank you so much, mad We'll see you soon.
(38:43):
Thank you so much for me
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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