July 24, 2021 • 34 mins
Guest Story featuring OW listener Ann.
Ann has been dieting since she was 8 years old. In this episode, Outweigh listener Ann opens up on how dieting impacted her self esteem, binge eating, and her constant quest to lose weight. PLUS, she shares how a doctor-created diet plan was the worst thing she ever did and how she broke free from diet culture.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't lend my body out, be out everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hays in the here she's some
love to the poet there say good one day and
time did you and die out? Welcome back to out Way,
everyone at least to hear. This week's episode is a
guest story. So when we have guests on, we invite
on a listener or friends of mine and Amy that
(00:44):
we think could just share or enlighten in some way
by telling their story. And is a listener of out
Wave and she's also a student of Mine and Fork
the Noise, So in the past year she's done for
the Noise fundamentals as well as Fork the Noise, Hunger
and Fullness. She did the v I P option, which
means she comes to our live monthly calls. And the
(01:05):
reason I asked her to come on was because in
our last monthly call, she told a story that left
all of us with our jaws dropped. And she told
the story that really highlighted how far she's come in
just a year. And the story itself is about eating
a donut in a coffee shop with a friend and
all the ways that diet culture can either ruin that
experience for the person that's eating the doughnut or how
(01:28):
it also impacts the other people around who are on
a diet that are just looking at the doughnut thinking oh,
I wish I could have that. So the story left
a lot of people asking Anna a lot of questions,
how did you get there? I want to do that.
She was kind of like that one moment of like, Oh,
that's what freedom looks like, That's what I want, But
how do I get there? So I invited Anna on
(01:49):
to tell the story and to also just share her
entire story, which involves dieting since she was eight years old.
So for somebody who is so ingrained mentally into looking
at a food and knowing how many calories are in
it or how many points it's worth to have this
moment of freedom, I think really just shows us what
(02:09):
we're all capable of. We can all do it, but
we gotta put in a little bit of work, and
we got to want to put it in and says
some amazing one liners in here, so please listen out
for all the amazing things that she has to say
about the scale, about self esteem, about how you don't
have to lose weight in order to feel confident. And
this is somebody who has lived it, has weight cycled,
(02:32):
has gone through the ups and downs, and for the
time being, is on the other side showing us what
life can look like free of disordered eating. Welcome back
to Outweigh. So excited to have an on today. Welcome man,
Thank you very excited to be here. So I've already
kind of let everybody know, but you're a fork an
(02:54):
student of mine, and you're a student of life, I
should really say, and you so bravely done so much
hard work that I just really wanted to invite you
onto Outweigh because I think that you're super relatable to
our listeners. I think everything that you've gone through, the ups,
the downs, the winds, the struggles, the every day is
(03:16):
essentially who our Outweigh listener is. And you provide inspiration
with a sense of realness, and I think we could
all kind of learn something from you. So thank you
for showing up willingly and giving me a little bit
of your time as well. Absolutely, and I do first
want to say thank you to you and Amy, because
with really, without Outweigh, I don't think I would have
(03:38):
progressed as quickly as I have throughout this whole journey.
And being able to listen to everyone's stories each week,
it's just so inspiring and hopeful. So I'm really excited
to hopefully help someone else too. Oh my gosh, you know,
I don't. I don't think I realized like the impact
of Outweigh as much as I love doing it and
hearing it. You know, Amy and I like record the
(03:59):
EPISO sisodes, we edit them, we put them out to
the universe, and then we sometimes don't know where they land.
So hearing that just really makes me pause for a
second and really see why we do this, and it's
it's for you, for you to now pass the torches.
This community is unlike any other community. So thank you
for being a listener and for reminding everybody that it
(04:23):
takes active work, you know, not just that WIGH, not
just my program. It takes showing up for yourself and
a willingness that you certainly have. So let's just kick
off today to just talk about your relationship with food
leading up to the last year or two. Yes, absolutely,
so I have a very interesting long story with foods,
(04:44):
so I'm going to try to shorten it up as
best as possible. But my first diet I went on
when I was eight, and it was weight Watchers, So
I was counting points with my parents. And then, you know,
I never want to throw my parents under any kind
(05:05):
of bus as they were definitely doing the best they
could with both of them, who have struggled with their
weight and body of parents their entire life and really
who still are um, However, eight years old to start
counting points, um, that's really what started the diet mentality
(05:25):
in my life. And then from basically eight to probably
teenage years, I was on and off multiple diets. We
did weight Watchers, we did all kinds of just like
low calorie options. This was in the nineties and in
the nineties was really heavy with that free kind of thing.
(05:45):
So that was our new thing, was that free and
we did them as like a family. Um. And then
we also experienced over exercising as well. At a very
young age, my father and I started heavily writing bicycles.
When I was probably twelve or thirteen. We would go
forty miles at a time, which right now just sounds
(06:07):
absolutely crazy. It's just way too much, especially for a
really a little kid. But through diet and exercise, that
was really where my relationship with food really turned. Um,
I was no longer really a kid. I was really
more obsessing with food already. And I remember being a
(06:29):
kid and being you know, maybe ten or eleven, in
a grocery store and buying foods like snack Wells and
I don't even know if they still sell those anymore,
but they're like a low calorie cookie option, while my
peers were eating like just lunchables and just chips ahoy,
and like normal kid food. That already set me apart
(06:50):
from my peers. And I think I started working with
low self esteem really to begin with. So we'll kind
of fast forward a little bit. Throughout really middle school,
high school, I struggled the entire time. Um, I did
every single possible diet you can imagine in that time.
For I remember being in biology class. It was like
(07:11):
a nutrition class on how nutrition works. Going back, I
really wish that I could have really learned something, because
it's honestly it's a lot of what Lisa teaches in
kind of forth noise of how how does nutrition actually work?
It's very interesting. But we were supposed to write down
our our food for like a few days or something,
and I was on the Special K Challenge, and I
(07:33):
remember I had to go and tell my teacher that
I'm on the you know, I'm on a Special K challenge,
so I'm only eating Special K food right now. And
that was pretty much what my middle school, high school
really looked like. I would say it took a turn
for the worse in college. Um. In college, I went
to a junior college first, and I was really struggling,
(07:57):
I think mentally with the fact that all my friends
went to a university and I went to a junior college. Um.
And I really did that, of course, to save money,
because that's the most economical way to go to college.
I was really struggling. And that's really when I started
binge eating. And really before that time frame, I really
hadn't been ate much, or even if I had, it
(08:19):
wasn't necessarily recognized as bench eating. It was maybe just
eating a little too much or you know, eating more
of the quote unquote wrong foods as my household would say,
but the bench eating really started in early college. Throughout
all of college, I probably gained and lost the same
twenty pounds. Often my self esteem was very low. I
(08:41):
found myself in an abusive relationship. Actually it was like
a perfect storm of my self esteem was low, and
then that the man I was with would would kind
of make it the self esteem worse, and then he
would make it better. So it was like a very
eye opening experience. And then when that ended, I was
(09:01):
starting to get better. But then I went on another diet,
and this diet was one of the most restrictive I've
ever done. Um And I think this is kind of
starts a new journey that I had with restrictive eating,
because really prior I would binge and restrict and over exercise,
and I this is just the worst thought for me.
(09:24):
But I used to always think if I could just
not eat much for a week and just kill it
at the gym, I would be where I wanted. But
I never felt like I had enough quote unquote discipline
to do that. And all of these things that I'm
saying in today's world are are just so different, and
there are things that I never would have thought of
(09:46):
back then I was so disordered. So not only was
I in the throes of disordered eating, I did have
been cheating disorder, which was really kind of two separate things.
And so then throughout really once I graduated college, then
I actually met my husband, and I think in that
way we've talked a little bit about relationships and eating
(10:10):
disorders and disordered eating. And it was interesting because when
we first started dating, my husband loves to eat, and
he loves fast food. It's like his favorite thing. I
would always get really mad and upset and I'd be like, well,
I can't eat that. Why don't you understand? And looking
back at it now, you think of the fact that
(10:30):
he looks at food fairly normal, um really without any baggage,
and I'm looking at food as oh, fast food was bad.
I can't have that, or you know, I was always
counting calories. I did all the apps. I think I
had a few somewhat stable years really between my wedding,
(10:51):
because when I did get married, I still had disordered eating,
but it was more or less, I would say, fairly
under control. I wasn't obsessing as much. I was still
counting calories for most part, and I still tried to
work out, and I've always tried to work out, UM,
but then that kind of started a whole separate thing
(11:11):
where I got into a different kind of program that
actually made the bench eating disorder really resurface and come
back even worse. So I went on a plan that
encompassed working out and um what they call healthy eating.
And it was healthy eating, but it was very restrictive,
(11:32):
and I got into this mentality and I want to
say for probably a year where I would eat great
Monday through Friday, and then about Friday night the wheels
fell off and I would just go crazy. I eat
everything that I didn't eat during the week. I wouldn't
work out because I it really made it into my
(11:52):
mind that you're on plan Monday through Friday, and then
Friday night you were off plane. And those words became
my life. We would plan things like I would miss
out on things during the week because I was I
was on plan. I was just being good. Really, just
(12:13):
thinking back at that, it's just such a sad way
to live. I did that for a few years, and
then there became another very restrictive diet. But this diet
was even more restrictive. The most restrictive plan I've ever done,
and I thought I was doing great. Um. The plan
was actually developed by a doctor. So here's some more
(12:36):
diet culture for you. Plans that are thrown at you
as health created by doctors that we are supposed to trust,
and really made my bene eating worse. But I actually
didn't realize it was worse until it was over. So
I was on this plan for nine months and I
(12:58):
lost fifty pounds and I felt amazing, super confident and
just like I could conquer the world. And then I
had a few months of heavy travel, lots of events,
lots of things to do. Um. And that plan that
I was on was not only very restrictive, but there
(13:19):
was no room for what you would call cheating. So
you were basically a hundred person on plan or you
were off, and it put yourself in a very ketogenic state. Um.
And so when you're in that kind of state, they
would advise you don't want to get out of that
because it takes so long to get back in it.
(13:41):
And so it was just reinforcing this diet culture in
my brain. Let's pause for just one second. You said
so many things that I don't want to forget. Let's
just start with the keto thing. I just want to
highlight that I see so many people bragging is kind
of a funny word, but um, I see so many
people who go on a keto diet. There are a
few weeks in I guess they're, you know, all in,
(14:01):
they find their way into ketosis and the weight just
starts falling off right, and they're telling their friends and
their siblings and they're this, and they're that, and this
is the best diet because they're eating and here goes,
you know, the weight so easily, and the mindset with
it is I can do this forever. And from where
I'm sitting, because I've worked with so many people and
you know, I've seen this play out just like your story,
(14:25):
it is not actually sustainable because you have to stay
in it forever. And that means you're on plan quote
unquote of the time. And while that might feel really
fine for a month or two months or maybe even
for you and maybe six months before you kind of
woke up and we're like, wait a second, this isn't living.
(14:45):
I just want to call out that when we say
diets don't work, we might not be saying that the
diet won't lead to weight loss, but there's an element
or a time that will come where it's no longer
working with you, either mentally or perhaps physically, whether that
weight comes back and it actually isn't working for the
intended goal, or the rest of your life is changing
(15:08):
and eating in a certain way no longer works, and
you now are left tool lists again how to keep
off this weight that you like without being on this
quote unquote plan that was supposed to be a lifestyle. Right.
So I just wanted to highlight that when we say
diets don't work, it might not mean that the weight
doesn't come off, or that that restrictive eating or whatever
(15:30):
diet it is won't lead to weight loss. But when
we look at them over time, which is very hard
to see in the initial phases, when people are super
loud and proud, that element, I think is is being missed.
Do you agree in absolutely? And I do want to
mention that throughout this entire journey of almost twenty years,
(15:52):
all I ever thought about was the weight. That was it.
Once I stopped focusing on the way eight that was
really when I started living and I woke up to
all of this, and throughout this whole journey. I had
actually been in therapy multiple times and none of it
ever quote worked for me, because secretly I didn't really
(16:17):
care if I got better. I didn't care that I
had benjinging disorder. What I cared about was get rid
of the bening resource so I can lose weight. When
is this going to work? So I can lose weight?
And then when I finally got over that was when
it really my mind was really starting to heal. And
(16:38):
I also just wanted to highlight that your story is
so amazing because you have been calorie counting in some
shape or form since you were eight years old. It's
just so ingrained to you to look at a food
and strip it down away from anything beyond do I
want that? Do I not want that? Into? Is it
worth it? Should I have it? How? What is it? Well?
(17:01):
This due to my body, you know? And like you said,
I love how you how you really frame that your
parents were doing your their best, as I think so
many parents were doing their best in a time where
we weren't having conversations like this, and wait was the focus,
and a lot of parents feel or felt that if
they could just help their child with their weight then
(17:21):
their self esteem would improve. But your story really highlights
that when we tell a child that you know, food
leads to this, and therefore you need to control your food,
we really are robbing them of their own abilities to
make choices that are best for them, and that is
(17:44):
how we knocked down self esteem. I think you know,
you didn't have the liberation to just eat what your
friends were eating. You had snackles in your house. You
were made to feel different, even though all your parents
wanted for you was to feel not different. And I
think the intent is really important to acknowledge because I
think forgiveness for self, for others, for compassion, you know,
(18:07):
all these things are really important emotions that we must
carry with us if we truly want to heal ourselves,
heal our families, and heal future generations, which you know,
the two of us both have children on the way
right now, so opening up that that conversation a little
bit more, I just think it's amazing that you are
where you are and how ingrained the counting really is
(18:32):
to you over the last you know, however, many years, absolutely,
and I still catch myself counting in my head. Thank
you for saying that. I think It's an important acknowledgement
because I don't know if that much time counting seeing
food in these certain ways. Can you know maybe it
changed a little over the years as to how you
quantified food. I don't know if that could ever really
(18:53):
fully go away, but you can catch it and work
through it a little bit more, which is different. Okay,
so let's can tinue with your story. Sorry to interrupt.
So after my very restrictive plan was finished, and it
was finished because I had basically lost all the weight
I had wanted, then I went on a trip to Jamaica,
(19:15):
my best friend got married. Then after that we my
husband turned thirty, so we also went on another trip.
It was nice because I was able to live and
throughout that time, UM, I really quit weighing myself because
prior to this, which I haven't touched on, I was
an avid scale user, and I am talking about multiple
(19:37):
time today obsession. I'd get home from Mark and I
would weigh and I then I would subtract however much
I thought was appropriate for my day, maybe one pound
or whatever, and I'd say, Okay, that's good, I did
good today, and then that would set up my evening. Um,
and so I lived and died by the scale, and
(20:00):
then it became a sacred obsession of well, now I'm
scared to weigh because I know that I haven't been
doing well, and so I'm just going to avoid it.
And I will say that that year of my life
was one of the best years I've ever had. One
thing I did learn was you don't need to lose
(20:22):
weight to be confident, because throughout that year I don't
really know how much I gained because one other thing
that I did learn was when you basically stopped restricting,
you're going to gain weight. It's just how the body
works because you're holding so tight. And then you open
(20:43):
your life back up. And that's how it felt to me.
My life was so small, and then I opened it
back up. And that was in twenty nineteen. And then
at the end of twenty nineteen, we went to see
my husband's family and they live in Texas, UM and
I were thinking, Okay, after this, I really need to
kind of get back on it in and really start
(21:07):
doing better, because I spent the whole year of twenty
nineteen just really having a great time, which is fantastic.
And then came and I actually went back to heavily
restricting and counting, and I actually skipped out on events.
So is this pre pandemic begins and you're you're back
(21:31):
on the plant. Yes, And it's very very cliche. It
was resolution, of course, and I actually I am not
really a huge resolution person. I make yearly goals, and
instead of doing my usual yearly goal, which I did,
create a goal that was not weight focused. But then
(21:52):
I had a weight focused goal and it was get
back to where I was. And I didn't want to
go back on the very restrictive plan, not because it
was a restrictive, because it was very expensive and my
husband and I were going to be building house in
that year, and so I really couldn't afford to go
back on it. And so I started heavily restricting yet again,
(22:14):
and I actually would miss out on things and events
would pop up at my favorite winery and I would say, oh,
I wish I could go to that, but I can't
because I don't know how many calories are in these
wine slushies that I love. And then the pandemic started,
And looking back at this, I just continuously kicked myself
(22:39):
for why did you skip out on events? Not having
any idea what the future was going to hold. And
then my first three months was really restrictive and diet
focused and wait focused. And then once the pandemic started
and we went home and I didn't know when life
(23:00):
was going to go back to normal, and not only
was my husband and I started working from home. We
put our house on the market, we sold our house,
we started building our house, and we moved out with
my parents all and then um later in when our
house was done, so we were able to move into
our new house. But I just remember thinking, I really
(23:23):
wish I would have went to those winery events. I
wish I would have done events with my best friend.
My best friend then moved away actually during the pandemic,
and so there were all of these events that I
could have done, but I was waiting on the weight,
which I just wish I hadn't done. However, one thing
(23:43):
that was truly amazing about the pandemic for me was
the fact that I was now staying home and working
from home and I was able to find podcast I
had never really listened to podcast before. The only other
podcast I've listened to was The Office Ladies about the
deep dive of the show The Office, which is my
(24:04):
favorite show, and prior to that, I had not really
had any experience of podcast. And it was through exploring
four Things with Amy, and then came Outwagh and then
came really the transformation, and then came forth the noise,
and then came for the noise, hunger and fullness and
(24:28):
throughout I would really say May two today, so one
full year, I have made more progress in eating disorders
and disordered eating and really just my mental well being
and overcoming diet culture than I had in the nineteen
(24:49):
years previously being on a diet. Basically throughout learning and growing,
I'm now able to really see diet culture and witness it.
And I was actually at a coffee shop about a
month ago with um, one of my friends. I hadn't
seen her in a very long time, and we were
(25:11):
at a coffee shop and I had gotten a coffee
and doughnut and the donut looked good. I love cake donuts,
they're might I pretty much only want a cake donut
if I get one, And so I got a donut, which,
first of all, just the sheer fact that I went
to a coffee shop and bought a donut and wasn't
guilty was a really big improvement. And then I sat
(25:34):
down and the first thing my friend was saying was
I'm keto and I can't eat that donut, but it
looks really good. And immediately I thought, what a shame,
What a shame that you tell yourself you can't have
something for no real good reason. Then as we're talking,
(25:58):
I was so excited to just see somebody, really, because
besides my parents and my husband, I really hadn't seen
many people. My My father's very high risk. UM, he
has a heart condition, and so we lived a very
conservative COVID life really until the vaccine started to roll out. UM,
(26:20):
we were just very concerned about his health. And so
I hadn't really seen anybody and basically a year, and
I was just so excited I completely forgot about my donut,
which again is like a huge point for me. Of
normally I would be obsessing about this donut. Do I
eat it? Do I not do? I? Wait? What is
(26:41):
she thinking about my donut? Is she watching me? Should
I eat the doughnut? Is she judging the way I
look based on this donut? These are all thoughts that
actually used to go through my head. So about halfway
through our conversation, she goes, Oh, don't feel bad that
I'm on keto. You can eat your donut, And I
thought that is diet culture right there. The fact that
(27:04):
you are thinking more about my doughnuts than I am.
Really it really showed me how far I've come in
regards to everything about food and body image. And Lisa
did mention that I am pregnant. I'm thirty weeks pregnant
right now, and I think being pregnant is also very
(27:27):
different because you are constantly growing and changing. And I
actually thought it would be a much harder journey than
it has been, and I think that it's been a
lot easier because I've done all of this mental work
and every day it's it's showing up for myself and
(27:49):
who I want to be and who I want to
show my kids that that you can be without focusing
on weight or eating donuts or just just being able
to enjoy life. So that's the story that and shared
on our fork the Noise VI P call about a
(28:09):
month ago or so, and I felt like the energy
in the room or zoom room really just kind of
elevated by telling that story because here and as somebody
that's been dieting since she was eight years old, had
you know, gone through the same struggles as all of
us and put in about a year's worth of work
(28:31):
and really put it in. I think like when you
hear a year that might sound easy, I think to me,
I just want to highlight that. And is somebody that
was all in and ready to really you know, show up,
do the work, flood her mind with information that was healthy,
you know, and not just healthy in the terms of food,
but really mentally healthy conversation. And I just saw all
(28:52):
the eyes in the room and tears and applauses, but
also a little bit of like how do I get there?
And I think it's important to recognized that we don't
get there overnight, and also maybe even highlight if you're
willing to share, perhaps and that just because you had
this one moment of feeling like a regular person that
(29:13):
has never had issues with food or never overcomplicated it,
I'm sure since then you've had moments of doubt where
maybe that, like you said earlier, like the counting kind
of naturally creeps back into your mind. It would it
be accurate to say that it's not a straight trajectory
of healing, and there are moments of self doubt and
all that stuff as well. Oh absolutely, really, up until
(29:38):
I want to stay, four months ago, I was still
measuring out peanut butter to put on my English muffin
for breakfast. So every day, you know, you're challenging yourself
and going a little bit further, and you also, all
of you listening, please look out for your wins. I
think it's really easy to notice where you're still struggling.
But these micro moments, these trips to the a coffee
(30:00):
shop where we forget about the doughnut that's sitting there,
you know, And that's it's really such a profound statement
because the biggest fear of somebody that's too afraid to
allow these foods back into their life is that they
will have no willpower around them. They will binge eat,
they will you know, one donut will lead to two doughnuts,
because that's what history has shown them. But when you
(30:22):
really break down, oh donut want the doughnut, Not oh
I want the donut, but I shouldn't have the donut.
Donuts so bad for me, it has this many calories
and this whatever. Just do donut want the donut? You
put the doughnut next to you, you're actually just going
to eat the doughnut, or not eat the doughnut, or
if you do eat the doughnut, maybe it's not all
the doughnut. Whatever it is, it's not with the same
like soul sucking, energy taking mindset where diet culture can
(30:48):
kind of bring your brain where you can't even focus
on your friend because all you're thinking about is the doughnut.
And it really didn't steal the moment for you, but
with your friend, you know, it truly highlighted how your
donut it's still the moment for her, which is just
such a powerful story that I think we all just
needed to hear. Thank you, And I definitely also want
(31:09):
to add that until you're ready mentally to really forget
about the weight, that's what it was for me. And
it was a gradual journey. And I will say when
the pandemic first started, I ignored the scale because I
was afraid. However, that ignoring it turned into forgetting about it,
(31:33):
turned into I don't really care about it. And Amy
had talked about this probably a month or so, going
that way, about the fact that when you go to
the doctors, you don't have to. You don't have to
get weight. You can turn around and I will say
that I do have to go a doctor. I'm still
at Midley appointments. That's going to change very soon. Um.
(31:53):
And I have actually watched my weight creep up and
it actually has not been triggering for me, which is
really surprising. The first time I saw it, I thought okay,
and that those old thoughts came back, Oh that's not
that bad. I'm doing fine, And then as each visit
(32:14):
has actually gone through, it's actually more empowering to me,
Like I want to know, but I don't want to
know the way I used to care about knowing. I
used to obsess. Now it's it's a totally different story
where I'm thinking, okay, well this is you know, I
need to gain weight. That is part of being pregnant.
(32:34):
You don't just pop out a baby and not gain
an ounce. But knowing that every pound or whatever that
has gained is you know, it could be his body,
it's extra blood, it's organs. I think that's also really empowering,
just from a pregnancy standpoint. And somebody asked me the
(32:58):
other day, like how much weight I gave actually, which
is First of all, if you know anybody who's pregnant,
please don't ask that, because it's just so incredibly rude.
And I said, I don't know them, I don't care,
and that overall the most free aspect I think of
this whole journey of not slaving away to a scale,
(33:21):
we still have skills in this house. I don't look
at them. I don't use them. They're really just put away.
One day we might need them, but we don't mail
for you, you know, if it's just a source of
a distraction, something that's going to pull you away from
knowing or being able to take the best care of
you and baby. So I love that you're staying attached
(33:41):
to your needs and honoring that and recognizing, uh the
specific ways that you need to show up for yourself,
which may be different than somebody else. But nonetheless, I
want to thank you so much for sharing your story
and your journey and just being here on out way.
We're so lucky to have you as a listener and
a friend, and excited for you to have this baby
(34:02):
as well. So hopefully we'll have you back on maybe,
you know, for that postpartum journey, which I know can
bring up a lot of hard stuff for a lot
of women too, So thank you Anne so much, Thank
you so much for having me. This has been really
fantastic and I hope that somebody gets something out of
my story. For sure will
I won't lend my body out, be out everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hays in the here she's some
love to the poet there say good one day and
time did you and die out? Welcome back to out Way,
everyone at least to hear. This week's episode is a
guest story. So when we have guests on, we invite
on a listener or friends of mine and Amy that
(00:44):
we think could just share or enlighten in some way
by telling their story. And is a listener of out
Wave and she's also a student of Mine and Fork
the Noise, So in the past year she's done for
the Noise fundamentals as well as Fork the Noise, Hunger
and Fullness. She did the v I P option, which
means she comes to our live monthly calls. And the
(01:05):
reason I asked her to come on was because in
our last monthly call, she told a story that left
all of us with our jaws dropped. And she told
the story that really highlighted how far she's come in
just a year. And the story itself is about eating
a donut in a coffee shop with a friend and
all the ways that diet culture can either ruin that
experience for the person that's eating the doughnut or how
(01:28):
it also impacts the other people around who are on
a diet that are just looking at the doughnut thinking oh,
I wish I could have that. So the story left
a lot of people asking Anna a lot of questions,
how did you get there? I want to do that.
She was kind of like that one moment of like, Oh,
that's what freedom looks like, That's what I want, But
how do I get there? So I invited Anna on
(01:49):
to tell the story and to also just share her
entire story, which involves dieting since she was eight years old.
So for somebody who is so ingrained mentally into looking
at a food and knowing how many calories are in
it or how many points it's worth to have this
moment of freedom, I think really just shows us what
(02:09):
we're all capable of. We can all do it, but
we gotta put in a little bit of work, and
we got to want to put it in and says
some amazing one liners in here, so please listen out
for all the amazing things that she has to say
about the scale, about self esteem, about how you don't
have to lose weight in order to feel confident. And
this is somebody who has lived it, has weight cycled,
(02:32):
has gone through the ups and downs, and for the
time being, is on the other side showing us what
life can look like free of disordered eating. Welcome back
to Outweigh. So excited to have an on today. Welcome man,
Thank you very excited to be here. So I've already
kind of let everybody know, but you're a fork an
(02:54):
student of mine, and you're a student of life, I
should really say, and you so bravely done so much
hard work that I just really wanted to invite you
onto Outweigh because I think that you're super relatable to
our listeners. I think everything that you've gone through, the ups,
the downs, the winds, the struggles, the every day is
(03:16):
essentially who our Outweigh listener is. And you provide inspiration
with a sense of realness, and I think we could
all kind of learn something from you. So thank you
for showing up willingly and giving me a little bit
of your time as well. Absolutely, and I do first
want to say thank you to you and Amy, because
with really, without Outweigh, I don't think I would have
(03:38):
progressed as quickly as I have throughout this whole journey.
And being able to listen to everyone's stories each week,
it's just so inspiring and hopeful. So I'm really excited
to hopefully help someone else too. Oh my gosh, you know,
I don't. I don't think I realized like the impact
of Outweigh as much as I love doing it and
hearing it. You know, Amy and I like record the
(03:59):
EPISO sisodes, we edit them, we put them out to
the universe, and then we sometimes don't know where they land.
So hearing that just really makes me pause for a
second and really see why we do this, and it's
it's for you, for you to now pass the torches.
This community is unlike any other community. So thank you
for being a listener and for reminding everybody that it
(04:23):
takes active work, you know, not just that WIGH, not
just my program. It takes showing up for yourself and
a willingness that you certainly have. So let's just kick
off today to just talk about your relationship with food
leading up to the last year or two. Yes, absolutely,
so I have a very interesting long story with foods,
(04:44):
so I'm going to try to shorten it up as
best as possible. But my first diet I went on
when I was eight, and it was weight Watchers, So
I was counting points with my parents. And then, you know,
I never want to throw my parents under any kind
(05:05):
of bus as they were definitely doing the best they
could with both of them, who have struggled with their
weight and body of parents their entire life and really
who still are um, However, eight years old to start
counting points, um, that's really what started the diet mentality
(05:25):
in my life. And then from basically eight to probably
teenage years, I was on and off multiple diets. We
did weight Watchers, we did all kinds of just like
low calorie options. This was in the nineties and in
the nineties was really heavy with that free kind of thing.
(05:45):
So that was our new thing, was that free and
we did them as like a family. Um. And then
we also experienced over exercising as well. At a very
young age, my father and I started heavily writing bicycles.
When I was probably twelve or thirteen. We would go
forty miles at a time, which right now just sounds
(06:07):
absolutely crazy. It's just way too much, especially for a
really a little kid. But through diet and exercise, that
was really where my relationship with food really turned. Um,
I was no longer really a kid. I was really
more obsessing with food already. And I remember being a
(06:29):
kid and being you know, maybe ten or eleven, in
a grocery store and buying foods like snack Wells and
I don't even know if they still sell those anymore,
but they're like a low calorie cookie option, while my
peers were eating like just lunchables and just chips ahoy,
and like normal kid food. That already set me apart
(06:50):
from my peers. And I think I started working with
low self esteem really to begin with. So we'll kind
of fast forward a little bit. Throughout really middle school,
high school, I struggled the entire time. Um, I did
every single possible diet you can imagine in that time.
For I remember being in biology class. It was like
(07:11):
a nutrition class on how nutrition works. Going back, I
really wish that I could have really learned something, because
it's honestly it's a lot of what Lisa teaches in
kind of forth noise of how how does nutrition actually work?
It's very interesting. But we were supposed to write down
our our food for like a few days or something,
and I was on the Special K Challenge, and I
(07:33):
remember I had to go and tell my teacher that
I'm on the you know, I'm on a Special K challenge,
so I'm only eating Special K food right now. And
that was pretty much what my middle school, high school
really looked like. I would say it took a turn
for the worse in college. Um. In college, I went
to a junior college first, and I was really struggling,
(07:57):
I think mentally with the fact that all my friends
went to a university and I went to a junior college. Um.
And I really did that, of course, to save money,
because that's the most economical way to go to college.
I was really struggling. And that's really when I started
binge eating. And really before that time frame, I really
hadn't been ate much, or even if I had, it
(08:19):
wasn't necessarily recognized as bench eating. It was maybe just
eating a little too much or you know, eating more
of the quote unquote wrong foods as my household would say,
but the bench eating really started in early college. Throughout
all of college, I probably gained and lost the same
twenty pounds. Often my self esteem was very low. I
(08:41):
found myself in an abusive relationship. Actually it was like
a perfect storm of my self esteem was low, and
then that the man I was with would would kind
of make it the self esteem worse, and then he
would make it better. So it was like a very
eye opening experience. And then when that ended, I was
(09:01):
starting to get better. But then I went on another diet,
and this diet was one of the most restrictive I've
ever done. Um And I think this is kind of
starts a new journey that I had with restrictive eating,
because really prior I would binge and restrict and over exercise,
and I this is just the worst thought for me.
(09:24):
But I used to always think if I could just
not eat much for a week and just kill it
at the gym, I would be where I wanted. But
I never felt like I had enough quote unquote discipline
to do that. And all of these things that I'm
saying in today's world are are just so different, and
there are things that I never would have thought of
(09:46):
back then I was so disordered. So not only was
I in the throes of disordered eating, I did have
been cheating disorder, which was really kind of two separate things.
And so then throughout really once I graduated college, then
I actually met my husband, and I think in that
way we've talked a little bit about relationships and eating
(10:10):
disorders and disordered eating. And it was interesting because when
we first started dating, my husband loves to eat, and
he loves fast food. It's like his favorite thing. I
would always get really mad and upset and I'd be like, well,
I can't eat that. Why don't you understand? And looking
back at it now, you think of the fact that
(10:30):
he looks at food fairly normal, um really without any baggage,
and I'm looking at food as oh, fast food was bad.
I can't have that, or you know, I was always
counting calories. I did all the apps. I think I
had a few somewhat stable years really between my wedding,
(10:51):
because when I did get married, I still had disordered eating,
but it was more or less, I would say, fairly
under control. I wasn't obsessing as much. I was still
counting calories for most part, and I still tried to
work out, and I've always tried to work out, UM,
but then that kind of started a whole separate thing
(11:11):
where I got into a different kind of program that
actually made the bench eating disorder really resurface and come
back even worse. So I went on a plan that
encompassed working out and um what they call healthy eating.
And it was healthy eating, but it was very restrictive,
(11:32):
and I got into this mentality and I want to
say for probably a year where I would eat great
Monday through Friday, and then about Friday night the wheels
fell off and I would just go crazy. I eat
everything that I didn't eat during the week. I wouldn't
work out because I it really made it into my
(11:52):
mind that you're on plan Monday through Friday, and then
Friday night you were off plane. And those words became
my life. We would plan things like I would miss
out on things during the week because I was I
was on plan. I was just being good. Really, just
(12:13):
thinking back at that, it's just such a sad way
to live. I did that for a few years, and
then there became another very restrictive diet. But this diet
was even more restrictive. The most restrictive plan I've ever done,
and I thought I was doing great. Um. The plan
was actually developed by a doctor. So here's some more
(12:36):
diet culture for you. Plans that are thrown at you
as health created by doctors that we are supposed to trust,
and really made my bene eating worse. But I actually
didn't realize it was worse until it was over. So
I was on this plan for nine months and I
(12:58):
lost fifty pounds and I felt amazing, super confident and
just like I could conquer the world. And then I
had a few months of heavy travel, lots of events,
lots of things to do. Um. And that plan that
I was on was not only very restrictive, but there
(13:19):
was no room for what you would call cheating. So
you were basically a hundred person on plan or you
were off, and it put yourself in a very ketogenic state. Um.
And so when you're in that kind of state, they
would advise you don't want to get out of that
because it takes so long to get back in it.
(13:41):
And so it was just reinforcing this diet culture in
my brain. Let's pause for just one second. You said
so many things that I don't want to forget. Let's
just start with the keto thing. I just want to
highlight that I see so many people bragging is kind
of a funny word, but um, I see so many
people who go on a keto diet. There are a
few weeks in I guess they're, you know, all in,
(14:01):
they find their way into ketosis and the weight just
starts falling off right, and they're telling their friends and
their siblings and they're this, and they're that, and this
is the best diet because they're eating and here goes,
you know, the weight so easily, and the mindset with
it is I can do this forever. And from where
I'm sitting, because I've worked with so many people and
you know, I've seen this play out just like your story,
(14:25):
it is not actually sustainable because you have to stay
in it forever. And that means you're on plan quote
unquote of the time. And while that might feel really
fine for a month or two months or maybe even
for you and maybe six months before you kind of
woke up and we're like, wait a second, this isn't living.
(14:45):
I just want to call out that when we say
diets don't work, we might not be saying that the
diet won't lead to weight loss, but there's an element
or a time that will come where it's no longer
working with you, either mentally or perhaps physically, whether that
weight comes back and it actually isn't working for the
intended goal, or the rest of your life is changing
(15:08):
and eating in a certain way no longer works, and
you now are left tool lists again how to keep
off this weight that you like without being on this
quote unquote plan that was supposed to be a lifestyle. Right.
So I just wanted to highlight that when we say
diets don't work, it might not mean that the weight
doesn't come off, or that that restrictive eating or whatever
(15:30):
diet it is won't lead to weight loss. But when
we look at them over time, which is very hard
to see in the initial phases, when people are super
loud and proud, that element, I think is is being missed.
Do you agree in absolutely? And I do want to
mention that throughout this entire journey of almost twenty years,
(15:52):
all I ever thought about was the weight. That was it.
Once I stopped focusing on the way eight that was
really when I started living and I woke up to
all of this, and throughout this whole journey. I had
actually been in therapy multiple times and none of it
ever quote worked for me, because secretly I didn't really
(16:17):
care if I got better. I didn't care that I
had benjinging disorder. What I cared about was get rid
of the bening resource so I can lose weight. When
is this going to work? So I can lose weight?
And then when I finally got over that was when
it really my mind was really starting to heal. And
(16:38):
I also just wanted to highlight that your story is
so amazing because you have been calorie counting in some
shape or form since you were eight years old. It's
just so ingrained to you to look at a food
and strip it down away from anything beyond do I
want that? Do I not want that? Into? Is it
worth it? Should I have it? How? What is it? Well?
(17:01):
This due to my body, you know? And like you said,
I love how you how you really frame that your
parents were doing your their best, as I think so
many parents were doing their best in a time where
we weren't having conversations like this, and wait was the focus,
and a lot of parents feel or felt that if
they could just help their child with their weight then
(17:21):
their self esteem would improve. But your story really highlights
that when we tell a child that you know, food
leads to this, and therefore you need to control your food,
we really are robbing them of their own abilities to
make choices that are best for them, and that is
(17:44):
how we knocked down self esteem. I think you know,
you didn't have the liberation to just eat what your
friends were eating. You had snackles in your house. You
were made to feel different, even though all your parents
wanted for you was to feel not different. And I
think the intent is really important to acknowledge because I
think forgiveness for self, for others, for compassion, you know,
(18:07):
all these things are really important emotions that we must
carry with us if we truly want to heal ourselves,
heal our families, and heal future generations, which you know,
the two of us both have children on the way
right now, so opening up that that conversation a little
bit more, I just think it's amazing that you are
where you are and how ingrained the counting really is
(18:32):
to you over the last you know, however, many years, absolutely,
and I still catch myself counting in my head. Thank
you for saying that. I think It's an important acknowledgement
because I don't know if that much time counting seeing
food in these certain ways. Can you know maybe it
changed a little over the years as to how you
quantified food. I don't know if that could ever really
(18:53):
fully go away, but you can catch it and work
through it a little bit more, which is different. Okay,
so let's can tinue with your story. Sorry to interrupt.
So after my very restrictive plan was finished, and it
was finished because I had basically lost all the weight
I had wanted, then I went on a trip to Jamaica,
(19:15):
my best friend got married. Then after that we my
husband turned thirty, so we also went on another trip.
It was nice because I was able to live and
throughout that time, UM, I really quit weighing myself because
prior to this, which I haven't touched on, I was
an avid scale user, and I am talking about multiple
(19:37):
time today obsession. I'd get home from Mark and I
would weigh and I then I would subtract however much
I thought was appropriate for my day, maybe one pound
or whatever, and I'd say, Okay, that's good, I did
good today, and then that would set up my evening. Um,
and so I lived and died by the scale, and
(20:00):
then it became a sacred obsession of well, now I'm
scared to weigh because I know that I haven't been
doing well, and so I'm just going to avoid it.
And I will say that that year of my life
was one of the best years I've ever had. One
thing I did learn was you don't need to lose
(20:22):
weight to be confident, because throughout that year I don't
really know how much I gained because one other thing
that I did learn was when you basically stopped restricting,
you're going to gain weight. It's just how the body
works because you're holding so tight. And then you open
(20:43):
your life back up. And that's how it felt to me.
My life was so small, and then I opened it
back up. And that was in twenty nineteen. And then
at the end of twenty nineteen, we went to see
my husband's family and they live in Texas, UM and
I were thinking, Okay, after this, I really need to
kind of get back on it in and really start
(21:07):
doing better, because I spent the whole year of twenty
nineteen just really having a great time, which is fantastic.
And then came and I actually went back to heavily
restricting and counting, and I actually skipped out on events.
So is this pre pandemic begins and you're you're back
(21:31):
on the plant. Yes, And it's very very cliche. It
was resolution, of course, and I actually I am not
really a huge resolution person. I make yearly goals, and
instead of doing my usual yearly goal, which I did,
create a goal that was not weight focused. But then
(21:52):
I had a weight focused goal and it was get
back to where I was. And I didn't want to
go back on the very restrictive plan, not because it
was a restrictive, because it was very expensive and my
husband and I were going to be building house in
that year, and so I really couldn't afford to go
back on it. And so I started heavily restricting yet again,
(22:14):
and I actually would miss out on things and events
would pop up at my favorite winery and I would say, oh,
I wish I could go to that, but I can't
because I don't know how many calories are in these
wine slushies that I love. And then the pandemic started,
And looking back at this, I just continuously kicked myself
(22:39):
for why did you skip out on events? Not having
any idea what the future was going to hold. And
then my first three months was really restrictive and diet
focused and wait focused. And then once the pandemic started
and we went home and I didn't know when life
(23:00):
was going to go back to normal, and not only
was my husband and I started working from home. We
put our house on the market, we sold our house,
we started building our house, and we moved out with
my parents all and then um later in when our
house was done, so we were able to move into
our new house. But I just remember thinking, I really
(23:23):
wish I would have went to those winery events. I
wish I would have done events with my best friend.
My best friend then moved away actually during the pandemic,
and so there were all of these events that I
could have done, but I was waiting on the weight,
which I just wish I hadn't done. However, one thing
(23:43):
that was truly amazing about the pandemic for me was
the fact that I was now staying home and working
from home and I was able to find podcast I
had never really listened to podcast before. The only other
podcast I've listened to was The Office Ladies about the
deep dive of the show The Office, which is my
(24:04):
favorite show, and prior to that, I had not really
had any experience of podcast. And it was through exploring
four Things with Amy, and then came Outwagh and then
came really the transformation, and then came forth the noise,
and then came for the noise, hunger and fullness and
(24:28):
throughout I would really say May two today, so one
full year, I have made more progress in eating disorders
and disordered eating and really just my mental well being
and overcoming diet culture than I had in the nineteen
(24:49):
years previously being on a diet. Basically throughout learning and growing,
I'm now able to really see diet culture and witness it.
And I was actually at a coffee shop about a
month ago with um, one of my friends. I hadn't
seen her in a very long time, and we were
(25:11):
at a coffee shop and I had gotten a coffee
and doughnut and the donut looked good. I love cake donuts,
they're might I pretty much only want a cake donut
if I get one, And so I got a donut, which,
first of all, just the sheer fact that I went
to a coffee shop and bought a donut and wasn't
guilty was a really big improvement. And then I sat
(25:34):
down and the first thing my friend was saying was
I'm keto and I can't eat that donut, but it
looks really good. And immediately I thought, what a shame,
What a shame that you tell yourself you can't have
something for no real good reason. Then as we're talking,
(25:58):
I was so excited to just see somebody, really, because
besides my parents and my husband, I really hadn't seen
many people. My My father's very high risk. UM, he
has a heart condition, and so we lived a very
conservative COVID life really until the vaccine started to roll out. UM,
(26:20):
we were just very concerned about his health. And so
I hadn't really seen anybody and basically a year, and
I was just so excited I completely forgot about my donut,
which again is like a huge point for me. Of
normally I would be obsessing about this donut. Do I
eat it? Do I not do? I? Wait? What is
(26:41):
she thinking about my donut? Is she watching me? Should
I eat the doughnut? Is she judging the way I
look based on this donut? These are all thoughts that
actually used to go through my head. So about halfway
through our conversation, she goes, Oh, don't feel bad that
I'm on keto. You can eat your donut, And I
thought that is diet culture right there. The fact that
(27:04):
you are thinking more about my doughnuts than I am.
Really it really showed me how far I've come in
regards to everything about food and body image. And Lisa
did mention that I am pregnant. I'm thirty weeks pregnant
right now, and I think being pregnant is also very
(27:27):
different because you are constantly growing and changing. And I
actually thought it would be a much harder journey than
it has been, and I think that it's been a
lot easier because I've done all of this mental work
and every day it's it's showing up for myself and
(27:49):
who I want to be and who I want to
show my kids that that you can be without focusing
on weight or eating donuts or just just being able
to enjoy life. So that's the story that and shared
on our fork the Noise VI P call about a
(28:09):
month ago or so, and I felt like the energy
in the room or zoom room really just kind of
elevated by telling that story because here and as somebody
that's been dieting since she was eight years old, had
you know, gone through the same struggles as all of
us and put in about a year's worth of work
(28:31):
and really put it in. I think like when you
hear a year that might sound easy, I think to me,
I just want to highlight that. And is somebody that
was all in and ready to really you know, show up,
do the work, flood her mind with information that was healthy,
you know, and not just healthy in the terms of food,
but really mentally healthy conversation. And I just saw all
(28:52):
the eyes in the room and tears and applauses, but
also a little bit of like how do I get there?
And I think it's important to recognized that we don't
get there overnight, and also maybe even highlight if you're
willing to share, perhaps and that just because you had
this one moment of feeling like a regular person that
(29:13):
has never had issues with food or never overcomplicated it,
I'm sure since then you've had moments of doubt where
maybe that, like you said earlier, like the counting kind
of naturally creeps back into your mind. It would it
be accurate to say that it's not a straight trajectory
of healing, and there are moments of self doubt and
all that stuff as well. Oh absolutely, really, up until
(29:38):
I want to stay, four months ago, I was still
measuring out peanut butter to put on my English muffin
for breakfast. So every day, you know, you're challenging yourself
and going a little bit further, and you also, all
of you listening, please look out for your wins. I
think it's really easy to notice where you're still struggling.
But these micro moments, these trips to the a coffee
(30:00):
shop where we forget about the doughnut that's sitting there,
you know, And that's it's really such a profound statement
because the biggest fear of somebody that's too afraid to
allow these foods back into their life is that they
will have no willpower around them. They will binge eat,
they will you know, one donut will lead to two doughnuts,
because that's what history has shown them. But when you
(30:22):
really break down, oh donut want the doughnut, Not oh
I want the donut, but I shouldn't have the donut.
Donuts so bad for me, it has this many calories
and this whatever. Just do donut want the donut? You
put the doughnut next to you, you're actually just going
to eat the doughnut, or not eat the doughnut, or
if you do eat the doughnut, maybe it's not all
the doughnut. Whatever it is, it's not with the same
like soul sucking, energy taking mindset where diet culture can
(30:48):
kind of bring your brain where you can't even focus
on your friend because all you're thinking about is the doughnut.
And it really didn't steal the moment for you, but
with your friend, you know, it truly highlighted how your
donut it's still the moment for her, which is just
such a powerful story that I think we all just
needed to hear. Thank you, And I definitely also want
(31:09):
to add that until you're ready mentally to really forget
about the weight, that's what it was for me. And
it was a gradual journey. And I will say when
the pandemic first started, I ignored the scale because I
was afraid. However, that ignoring it turned into forgetting about it,
(31:33):
turned into I don't really care about it. And Amy
had talked about this probably a month or so, going
that way, about the fact that when you go to
the doctors, you don't have to. You don't have to
get weight. You can turn around and I will say
that I do have to go a doctor. I'm still
at Midley appointments. That's going to change very soon. Um.
(31:53):
And I have actually watched my weight creep up and
it actually has not been triggering for me, which is
really surprising. The first time I saw it, I thought okay,
and that those old thoughts came back, Oh that's not
that bad. I'm doing fine, And then as each visit
(32:14):
has actually gone through, it's actually more empowering to me,
Like I want to know, but I don't want to
know the way I used to care about knowing. I
used to obsess. Now it's it's a totally different story
where I'm thinking, okay, well this is you know, I
need to gain weight. That is part of being pregnant.
(32:34):
You don't just pop out a baby and not gain
an ounce. But knowing that every pound or whatever that
has gained is you know, it could be his body,
it's extra blood, it's organs. I think that's also really empowering,
just from a pregnancy standpoint. And somebody asked me the
(32:58):
other day, like how much weight I gave actually, which
is First of all, if you know anybody who's pregnant,
please don't ask that, because it's just so incredibly rude.
And I said, I don't know them, I don't care,
and that overall the most free aspect I think of
this whole journey of not slaving away to a scale,
(33:21):
we still have skills in this house. I don't look
at them. I don't use them. They're really just put away.
One day we might need them, but we don't mail
for you, you know, if it's just a source of
a distraction, something that's going to pull you away from
knowing or being able to take the best care of
you and baby. So I love that you're staying attached
(33:41):
to your needs and honoring that and recognizing, uh the
specific ways that you need to show up for yourself,
which may be different than somebody else. But nonetheless, I
want to thank you so much for sharing your story
and your journey and just being here on out way.
We're so lucky to have you as a listener and
a friend, and excited for you to have this baby
(34:02):
as well. So hopefully we'll have you back on maybe,
you know, for that postpartum journey, which I know can
bring up a lot of hard stuff for a lot
of women too, So thank you Anne so much, Thank
you so much for having me. This has been really
fantastic and I hope that somebody gets something out of
my story. For sure will
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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