September 18, 2021 • 33 mins
In this episode, we’re joined by mental health counselor and OW listener herself, Liana. Liana shares so many amazing bits of insight and wisdom from her personal journey like:
- Coming to terms with orthorexia
- What made her take the leap of faith to truth
- How she found IE during COVID + why it FINALLY resonated
- Her wedding + letting her dress out
- The one-liner you need prepared to combat triggering comments
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This podcast was edited by Houston Tilley
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwit everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it is beautiful and that will always out way if
(00:23):
you feel it with your hays in the air, She'll
love to the mow. I get there. Let's say good
day and did you and die out? Welcome back to Outweigh.
This week's episode is another guest story share. We had
ann on recently and so many people resonated just from
(00:45):
hearing from a listener. So Leanna, you are a listener
of Outweigh, right, I am. I found you guys a
year and a half ago, and because I've heard you
on another podcast and I've listened to ever since, and
I just love the message that you guys put out
there about disordered eating because I think there's not enough
about it. So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm
(01:07):
excited because your story is super relatable to so many
and similar to and story. You've had a huge growth
spurt in the span of just one year when so
many people have actually found their way to eating disorders
so many people have also found their way out. So
what happened in this last year, let's actually start there
and then maybe take it backwards. Yeah. Sure, So COVID happened,
(01:33):
and you know, we were all shelter in place at home,
and I don't know what pushed me. I started to like,
I've thought about, like is there a life outside of
counting calories, exercising, like being on this very strict plan.
Because I think a lot of my disordered eating was
related to fear gaining weight, because I've had an ups
(01:54):
and downs with my weight and I'll share more about that.
But I always had a little like thing in the
back of my mind, like will I live like this forever?
And in the beginning of COVID, I found Intuitive Eating
meeting on from like social media, and I don't know
exactly where I heard about the book, but I found
the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tripoli and at Lease Rush,
(02:16):
and I just started reading it. I was mind blown.
And because they were sharing things that like, we're exactly
my thought process, and they also shared solutions. They also
shared like there is another way, and the other way
is trusting your body, which is something that for me,
I know I've never been able to do or felt
(02:36):
like I could do, and I think our society doesn't
allow us to do or think that we can. So
I felt okay, like this is my other ways, This
like actually a thing I could do. And I was
working with with a dietitian prior to this phase just
kind of like pre intuitive eating, I wasn't I was
like kind of like teetering. I was on the fence.
And then I started working with a new dietitian that
(02:59):
actually really was certified and eating disorders and she had
a lot of knowledge and intuitive eating. So kind of
all happened at the at the best time, because when
I first started with her, I went from a place
from like I don't know what else I could work
on too. I want to work on intuitive eating and
this is my goal. And so I started working with
her ever since the pandemic started, and we worked through
(03:22):
the Intuitive Eating workbook, and I have to say it
was a lot of ups and downs, especially with being
in COVID. And I remember like the first time we
had an outing and a gathering, it was a big
shock because I had a lot of concerns with two people.
No notice I gained weight or how do I eat
(03:43):
like a normal person. I don't know how to eat
like a normal person, because I know I just always
had numbers in my head and the amount of calories
things were. But then, you know, as I just got
more practiced with that and approached it with more curiosity
rather than shame as them so used to be coming
at myself with shame of why did you eat that?
(04:04):
X y Z, I was able to have compassion for
myself and also realize how big my world has gotten
because my life was very small in disordered eating. I've
missed out on friends parties, I've missed out on family gatherings,
and even if I were there physically, I was not
there emotionally at all. Hearing you speak to your story
(04:26):
just also reminds me of my story, which I assume
you know our countless listeners are like, yes, that's me.
And the funny thing about when you're in disordered eating,
I don't know if you degree, but certainly we we
can reflect and say, Okay, my life was small, but
at the time you don't realize how small it is
until you wi didn't it and you're living this fuller life.
(04:47):
That's the word that so many people speak to when
they start to trust their bodies and really kind of
face those big fears. So would you agree that, like
while you were in it, you wouldn't have ever maybe
admitted or said, yeah, my life is small, because it
was just life as you know it. Percent I really
thought that that was my life, and I thought this
(05:09):
was what I'm supposed to do, that like this is
the way it is. I'm doing what's best for me
because I couldn't deal with eating or or handling life
any other way. I just wasn't at the emotional capacity.
I didn't even know if I was neat wedding cake
at my wedding, Like I didn't know what that was
gonna look like. And I'm grateful that today I am
going to plan on eat everything and anything on that
(05:31):
day that I want to and my body wants at
that day. So yeah, I agree, I think in that
I didn't realize and I thought that honestly, I thought
I was this is really bad to say. I thought
it was better than everyone else at me, and that
like I'm able to stay on my plan. I'm not
eating all this food when like I'm the one being fooled.
I'm the one missing out. Yeah. Again, it feels like
(05:53):
your words are my words. So I can imagine that
a lot of listeners are like, yes, thank you for
saying it is saying that there's that self righte is
feeling that fuels you enough. And then when you f
up by eating or not working out or whatever, somehow
a way, you don't remember that part. You're still get
the fuel off of the being better than everybody else
(06:14):
and you don't recognize this isn't working. But I'm curious
because I think so many people are out of place
similar to you. Where you were, I should say where
you know you were working with the other dietitian, but
you were interested in finding the freedom, but you were
kind of teetering for a while. Was there any one
thing that made you feel like you could take the
(06:36):
leap and do something different? Yes, I think I was
at a place of desperation, and honestly, having faith in
a higher power has helped me. I've developed a strong
faith in a higher power within the last couple of years,
and different than my own upbringing and my religious background.
But I knew that, like I had to just take
(06:57):
away the control that I was fostering and turn it
over to something bigger than myself and know that, like
my higher power wants the best for me and whatever
that may be, you know, God, not God, anything bigger
than myself. That like I've catastrophized that like if I
eat a certain thing, I'm going to gain X amount
of pounds and I'm just never going to go back.
(07:17):
Like I was in such a terrible headspace, and I
recognize that, like I am not that powerful and that
I just had to like trust something else. I had
to turn it over and it was just an experiment,
and I was trusting my dietitian, the intuitive eating dietitian.
I trusted all of the things I saw on social media.
(07:38):
I trusted people like you guys on the podcast, hearing
other people's stories and what intuitive eating was like for them.
Because of course, my thinking is, well, that's not going
to happen to me. I'm not gonna, you know, be
able to do this successfully. But really I'm not that unique,
and so I try. I had to look at a
lot of other people's experiences with this to like reduce
(08:02):
the way I catastrophies if I were to engage into
itive eating. Because I was very black and white The
two things that I want to harp on are two
words that you just brought up that are really interesting,
especially in the conversation of trusting yourself and all the
things that we talk about in true wellness. So you
said that you were less powerful that you thought, and
(08:23):
that you're not unique, and both of those almost sound negative,
right like we hear about positive affirmations to start the day,
I am powerful, I am strong, I am this. Rather
for you, it was saying I'm not all that powerful.
There's something bigger than me out there and I trust it.
And the unique thing to kind of speak so you know,
(08:43):
I talk a lot about self worth, and it almost
sounds like by saying I'm not unique, that you have
negative self worth. But really it's a much more complicated
conversation to humble yourself and say this isn't working for me,
just like it hasn't worked for the millions of people before,
and look at all these people that it is working for,
(09:05):
maybe I could be like them. So it was super
interesting language to show up here and say I'm not
powerful and I'm not unique and kind of strip away
from all the things that we cling to, maybe ego based,
maybe control based, and really find the control underneath all
of that. Yes, and I think you're right. I think
(09:25):
someone would hear that and probably say, oh, that would
diminish my self esteem. But I think a lot of
my disordered eating is and was the control factor. And
like you said, it's letting go of that control and
recognizing like I'm again like I'm not that powerful, and
that if I continue to hold onto this control by
(09:46):
like counting calories, measuring my exercise, weighing myself every day,
I can't trust anyone else. I can't trust my body.
I'm gonna be so far away from my body. And
I felt very detached for my body for many years.
When working with a professional, the Intuitive eating dietitian, what
sort of things and types of controls did you have
to give up? The types of controls I had to
(10:07):
give up were the diet rules, and I didn't even
realize I had so many. But I have a lot.
And whether it be I can't eat more than X
amount of this type of food or I can't eat
at this time, I oh my hunger and fullness was
a huge one because I used to push off my
hunger like I used to push off the time that
I ate and that like, it's been two and a
(10:29):
half hours, I can't eat yet, and I would just
obsess about food. I used to think that obsessing about
food was a me problem, and that I thought about
food like twenty three hours of the day. Oh, mine
is sleeping. But like I had to let go of
the fact that that's not something that's wrong with me.
It's not it's because I'm hungry. I'm hungry and taking
(10:51):
that leap of faith and that when I started fueling
my body, I don't think about food anymore, which is
astronomically crazy because I never thought I would be at
the at that place. Another thing I had to let
go of was fitting in a certain size. And I
used to and I'm a tall person, I'm like five seven.
It was almost again an ego thing, like I'm better
(11:12):
than everyone else because I can fit into this size.
But I think a little little though in the back
of my mind was this isn't realistic. I can't fit
in the size forever. And so I I gave away
and like I I purged a lot of clothing, a
lot of clothing, and it helped that we were moving
and I had to buy clothes in a bigger size,
and I realized, even though that was scary, that by
(11:35):
wearing clothes that fit me right and that fit my body,
I thought less about my body because wearing uncomfortable clothes,
it's just like it's all you can think about. So
I actually thought less about my body and that was
a big thing. And that, like trying on certain clothes
or body checking, was another thing I had to let
go of, like knowing when to look in the mirror,
(11:56):
why I'm looking in the mirror or photos, and just
my motive vasions around it, like being very specific on
what am I looking at here right? Like rather than
do I look good? Am I able to just feel
how the clothing fits on me rather than looking in
the mirror, because I can get very shame based and
have a lot of negative self talk when I look
in the mirror. You've said so many important things that
(12:18):
I thank you for sharing in such an honest way too,
Especially you know it wasn't just that you gave up
body checking, but that you gave up body checking with
the recognition and the mindfulness that when you do that,
you get really negative on yourself. Meanwhile, you're empowered when
you can feel clothing that feels good on your body,
that hugs you in the right places, that feels good.
(12:38):
So it sounds like you did an amazing work. You
worked with a professional that you trusted, which I think
is really key. So I just want to throw that
out there. You gave her your trust and she likely
did things said things created a safe environment for you
as well, which is so important. And all the factors
kind of came together for you to you know, be
(12:59):
step being into your wedding this year, which was delayed,
and find yourself in a place where I'm feeling like
a wave of confidence for you. You mentioned that there
are ups and downs, So like all stories, I don't
like to, you know, pretend that it's all easy for
you every day. But I think we can all feel
your confidence radiating. So let's back up a little bit
(13:22):
now too. When you went to college, things really changed
for you, right, And I think that's a time that
it changes for a lot of people. Tell us about
what happened when you went to college. Yeah, so, prior
to college, I was struggling with some mental health stuff.
So I was going away to college and I was excited.
But of course, you always here in the back of
(13:43):
your mind, don't gain the freshman fifteen or whatever it is.
So now I'm out of my own, I'm free. And
I definitely use alcohol as a way to cope with
my mental health and my social anxiety, because of course
I thought that alcohol made me more social, which it
probably did, but then it only ended in binge eating
(14:05):
and and then which led to the next morning of
exercising to compensate for the food that I ate. And
I was in this spiral of binge eating, binge drinking,
probably getting sick from the alcohol more times than than not,
and then compensating by over exercising and being very focused
(14:27):
on the food I ate. And I remember this distinct
moment of looking at the scale and noticed I gained
like some weight, and I honestly I cared, but I
didn't care, I think because I didn't know what else
to do. There was a point that I found myself
just alone in my room, that I wasn't going out
anymore towards the end, and I had a lot of
(14:49):
friends at college, and I found myself in my dorm
room alone and just eating, and my anxiety increased a lot,
and I ended up coming home after a year and
a half of being at that school, which I think
was the best decision I could have made, because I realized,
you know, I wasn't going to class like every day,
and I was like, what track am I on? And like,
(15:11):
what's my future gonna look like? I'm going to be
a college for way longer than I could have been.
And I remember people questions like, why are you coming home?
I don't get it because I didn't share about it
with anyone. I didn't put words to it. I didn't
know what was going on. I had a lot of friends,
so people questioned, like, usually people come home because they're
not having a good time, but you're having a good time.
And I was really struggling inside. And I ended up
(15:35):
coming home from college and I ended up going to
a city school, which I think was the best thing
for me. I actually realized that I was I did
better academically than I thought, and I was able to
find my path, which was um eventually going to grad
school for mental health counseling. Interestingly enough, when I was
still at the city school for undergrad I found my
(15:57):
quote unquote answer, which was really intense exercise program, and
I found clean eating and that skyrocketed me to the
other end of the spectrum, which was Orthodoxia, which actually
learned from your podcast, and that is like the obsession
of clean eating, being quote unquote perfect and not going
outside of the realms of this obsession with healthy eating.
(16:21):
So I was diligently tracking food. I got that answer
whether it was okay, now I know how to eat,
but I also didn't know how to eat outside of
those little realms, whether it was like these rules again
that they started to that started to create, and I
had a lot of fear of gaining weight and going
back to where I was earlier in undergrad. So that's
(16:45):
where I felt like I had the obsession with clean
eating and over exercising still, and I remember going food
shopping and not buying any peanut butter that didn't have
an ingredient other than peanuts. That again made my life
very small. I entered grad school and I would say
(17:05):
I came out of that a little bit, but still
very very obsessive with calori accounting and feeling like I
need to stay in this smaller body. I loved my
grad program. I learned so much and I'm so grateful
for it. It actually led me to intern in a
substance abuse facility and I loved that so much and
I still work in the addiction world. And that's where
(17:29):
I learned about alcohol. It's anonymous, and I saw how
people were obviously addicted to drugs and alcohol and how
they were able to get sober and live a different life.
And I started it started to make me think about
my own relationship with food. And also this was the
first time that I had a full time job where
I'm surrounded with other people that come from their own background,
(17:52):
and I'm able to see like, oh, they have a
normal relationship with food, Like how can they just eat that?
I don't get it. And it started the thought process
of well, what about my relationship with food? And I
remember sharing about it for the first time with a
coworker of mine that I was very close with, and
(18:13):
she was like, m I think you should take a
look at this. And I've been in therapy. I was
in therapy, but I never brought it up because again
I didn't deem it as a problem or I didn't
want to even as a problem. I had all these
other issues that I wanted to focus on, but like
I wasn't ready to bring this thing to the surface
because then I'd have to do something about it, because
that's how I am. So then when she said this
(18:35):
to me, I was like, okay, cool, but I still
didn't do anything about it. And so then I found
myself at my last binge because I remember it was
my twenty third birthday. I went out to brunch with
my friends, and I remember having that birthday mindset where
this was something that I did, like on holidays or
special occasions. I would go bowl to the wall and
(18:58):
not track and found myself ill at the end of
the night because I ate so much. And then I
over exercise the next day, of course, So I remember
we went out to brunch, had a great time, and
I was living with my fiance at the time, well
my now fiance, you know, we were living together, and
(19:18):
he was downstairs with his friends and I was upstairs
and I found myself just engeating like leftover Chinese food,
and I couldn't stop, and I was so at my
rock bottom. And that's where I finally reached out for help,
and I knew I had to do something about it
because I just couldn't live. I think what really got
(19:39):
me there was like the feelings of shame and just
the self talk I had. It was this endless cycle
and I didn't know how to get out of it.
So that's kind of like how college led me to
where I was. Yeah, and it's I think it's a
pretty common trajectory of you know, you get to college
and you have this time and new fears, and there's
(20:00):
a lot of focus at least when I went to college,
and sounds like for you also on body, but also
on having fun. But the fun leads to you know,
late night eating and things that you weren't doing in
high school, and you try to combat it, and you
find yourself just in this like vicious race of constantly
thinking about food, constantly compensating for food, you know, on
(20:23):
whether it was Facebook or Instagram at the time, you know,
you look like the quintessential happy college student, but your
mind is just consumed with fear and all that. So
it's it's a very traditional I feel like, because I
mean traditional for me because I speak to so many people,
but a very isolating experience when you're going through it.
I speak firsthand from remembering it as well as you know,
(20:47):
working with people in in college or after college that
reflect on that time period. So after that kind of
more obvious cycle, you found your way into a more
quote unquote healthy obsession with food by and without a
label or a word with orthorexia. This felt right for you.
I'm eating, I'm eating enough, I'm eating healthy foods. How
(21:07):
could any of this be wrong with me? And yet
at the same time, you found yourself within the same
confines that you found yourself previously, when you know it
was more obviously disordered or um, you know, a little
bit might have caught the attention of somebody else where,
This wasn't catching the attention of other people because it
(21:28):
was probably a lifestyle that many people wanted. Oh I
was praised for it and the validation, oh, you're so
disciplined and you're so good, And there was also that
fear of letting that go. And at the same time,
to just highlight how easy it is to miss this,
you're also at the time in grad school for mental health.
(21:48):
You know, for me to looking back when I was
studying to be a registered dietitian in grad school, that's
certainly when my disordered eating also had an uptick. And
this was less send ten years ago, and the words
disordered eating were never brought up. I assume it's the
same in your grad school and the words orthorexia was
(22:09):
never ever brought up, because I'm not sure is it
even in the D s M. Now you know, I
have to check, but I highly doubt it. It may
be like a typical and arexia or right, so it's
not recognized as a clinical mental disorder or I don't
know if that that terminology feels funny? Is that okay
to say mental illness? A mental illness? Yeah, it's not recognized.
(22:31):
And if you're a professional who has never experienced it,
especially older generations that can't understand how healthy eating would be,
you know something negative, You just feel like, how could
I stop this quote unquote good thing. There's all the applause.
I'm eating healthy food. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
And it's really kind of confusing. And you said one
(22:54):
thing that I just want to go back to because
I feel like a listener may be getting defensive, as
I would if I heard one thing that you said
back when I was disordered, which is you would only
eat the peanut butter with peanuts in it, And to
a regular listener, why is that? Why is that necessarily harmful.
(23:14):
How is you know doing something like that potentially bad?
I care about my health, that in isolation might be
fine for you listener. You know I personally when I
do buy peanut butter for my house and I might
look at the ingredients make sure it's peanut butter, you know, oil, salt,
maybe a few things. But in combination with the rest
(23:37):
of my behaviors thoughts at that time and the obsession
as well as the inability to eat a peanut butter
if it had sugar or any other ingredient in it
at the time that wasn't deemed as you know, good
for you. Is kind of the differentiating point here. So
for anyone listening, it's not necessarily that eating a salad
(23:58):
right makes you disordered, or have a the peanut butter
with one ingredient, or choosing an apple to eat, you know,
whatever it is makes you disordered. But it's really looking
at your the word you used early on which I'd
love to pick back up, which is your motivation behind
it and really you know, diving deep deeper into that.
So I just want to thank you for saying that
(24:18):
and expand the conversation. I believe correct me if I'm wrong.
The first time you heard the word orthorexia or understood
it was from aweigh the episode with Jennifer Rowlin and yeah,
I believe season one. Yeah, And that really opened my
eyes because, like you were saying, it's not just about
that isolated decision to get the peanut butter. I always
like to ask, like, what's the severity here, Like is
(24:40):
it causing the anxiety? Is it causing me to spiral
and ruminate about that peanut butter? Because it's not, like
you said, it's not just about the peanut butter. It's
like that can like how we look at anything. It's
what else is going on in that situation? Right, So
I just want to also ask you. You've been such
an open book with us. I appreciate it, and I've
(25:01):
got two questions that I think our listeners would just
really benefit from. One is you've had a huge shift
in the past year and a half that at least
I know about, and it feels like I get it.
Didn't know you before, but it feels like you're a
different person. How has being so aware of diet talk
impacted your family dynamics. That's a good one, you know,
(25:24):
when you say that it's increased like my confidence, it's
crazy to hear because I think it definitely has. And honestly,
I think it's made me closer with my family. I
don't fault my family's comments if let's say, they say
something where they mean well and they say hey, like
you know, one one situation, my mom may hate me
(25:45):
for saying this, but it's fine. We went for dress shopping,
and I'll put it out there. I had to get
my dress taken out, and I think a lot of
women have fear around that and that we can't take
the dress out right. I have to fit into this dress.
And I bought my dress prior to the pandemic entered
in to it of eating, and I had to get
it taken out. And that's okay. So we're walking out
(26:06):
of the dress store and my mom turned to me,
and she's very aware of what I'm doing, and she's
so happy that I'm not restricting anymore. She turns me
and said, all right, Leana, like just lay off the carbs.
And I looked at her and I'm like, are you
are you kidding me right now? And I became very
angry inside, but I was able to explain to her
how that is detrimental to me and how that immediately
(26:28):
made me focus on because we went out to lunch
after and immediately made me focus on how many calories
I was eating so just so quick like that. And
I don't fold her for that because look at the
society we live in. And she was very receptive and
she is also putting the trust in me and my
guidetitian and my therapist in this process. And also like
(26:49):
other comments that have been made but nothing about I
guess my body, thankfully, but if they were, I was
able to set certain boundaries and explain, like, no, I
don't have to worry about fitting in addressed because I
trust myself. I trust my hunger cues, my fullness cues
the intuitive eating process because I know that if I
try to diet, it's gonna spiral and it's not going
(27:10):
to be fun. And I think they also they knew
how obsessive I was. They saw it, and I think
they put it in my hands to know when it
was time to get help around it. And I explained
that to my mom, you know, she asked, why wouldn't
you focus on it in your therapy in the past,
and I said, I it was not even on the
(27:32):
plate for me. So I really think it made me
closer with them, and I think it also allowed me
to be more confident and outside of my own head.
And I think it's also allowed me to recognize that
some of the resentments I put up against certain family
members was because they were putting. They were asking me
if I wanted certain foods, and because I was restricting.
(27:55):
I was in my head thinking, what stop asking me?
I don't want it? But it was because as I
was so uncomfortable. So I also recognized my own part
in that, and that again this society we live in
and people push food on some people, and I've just
been able to set certain boundaries with that. So yeah,
it actually had the And I'm grateful that I've heard
terrible stories about some comments from family members of other
(28:19):
people who have gone through this process, so I am
grateful that my family have has been very supportive. Well,
you actually covered my second question, which was about your dress,
and you know, I'll think a lot of brides are
going through that, so you really kind of answered that,
and it sounds like, you know, taking out your dress,
would you say it was liberating? Yes, yes, and I
(28:41):
recognize that and how much better it's going to look
on your current body though. I mean, imagine if I
try to lose weight to be in this dress, have anxiety,
and then look back at these photos and probably remember
how miserable I was inside. And I found the place
I got my address from was very supportive. They were
(29:04):
very in tune with I guess maybe my own gestures
and the way I maneuvered the situation because I did
not mention weight. I didn't mention losing weight. I mentioned
gaining weight, and they were very respectful. And I think
that's very important because I think it's a big assumption that, Okay,
you're getting married, what died are you going to go on?
Or are you planning to lose more weight before the dress?
(29:26):
And it doesn't have to be that way, It really doesn't.
Why do we have to try to fit into address
when we can just get addressed that fits us. Yes,
beautifully said, and I really love how you shared that.
I think a lot of people self, you know, loses
their voice when trigger and comment is made not necessarily
in relation to just eating, but also for eating but
(29:48):
or food, body image, all that stuff. But I think
a lot of people shut down in those moments. And
I've heard from another follower of mine recently who shared
a story with me, and she was telling me that
this was she had a really triggering conversation with her partner,
and after our d M back and forth, she went
back to her partner and had a conversation about it,
(30:09):
and turns out she was first of all misinterpreting the
intention and the words and everything altogether. But I was
so impressed because I think having those hard conversations, finding
your voice in those moments are really hard for me personally.
So I have so much respect that in that moment
where you you said you got so angry inside you
were maybe because of the work you've been doing with
(30:31):
your eating disorder, dietitian, or just perhaps who you are,
you were really equipped to say, I trust my hunger
and fullness cues, and I know that by restricting carbs
it will backfire for me. And I just want to
offer up that sentence to and you know, insert whatever
it is you need to insert anybody who's listening to
kind of have that ready and available for a time
(30:53):
when you're being questioned for how much you're eating, what
you're eating or your body, you know changing. I trust
my hunger and fullness queues, and I know that eating
any other way will backfire for me mentally, physically and emotionally.
And I think a lot of times people just need
what is that quick feeder line back so that I
could end this conversation regain my power. And it's really hard.
(31:16):
I think, you know, as a mental health counselor, like
when you're triggered, you're not no longer in your I
think it's your pre for frontal cortex, where you are
logical and able to speak words. You know, you really
transition into a place of like But you know, like
for me at least, you know, it's like I can't
think of what I would logically say, and then I
get back to my baseline and I'm like, oh, I
(31:38):
wish I said this, I wish I said that, and
all the thoughts come back to you. But I think
having that pocket word, that pocket sentence, that pocket phrase
available for you is like such an amazing gift that
you just gave all of our listeners. So thank you
so much for sharing all of your story and that
tip that I know is going to save a lot
(31:58):
of things. And lastly, I just want to say that
it's so awesome that your relationship with your mom was
strengthened by that conversation. So many times we think when
we put boundaries in place, or we have hard conversations
or we explain how we're truly thinking it's going to
push people away, but it really creates a more intimate
relationship to come together. And it's so important to remember
(32:23):
that that is what happens, even though we forget or
can't believe that that it will happen. Yes, And I
always tell people, even like clients that I work with,
that boundaries are there to protect us and protect the relationship.
So like, I set that boundary because I want a
healthy relationship with her, and I know that if I didn't,
I would have that resentment stirring inside and probably take
(32:44):
it out in a later time when I'm not thinking logically.
So boundaries are so important. They're like my favorite thing. Yeah.
The one liner is something my dietitian actually recommended to
me because I agree. We don't we don't think how
we would normally think. When we get triggered. We kind
of like revert back to either a little child or
whatever it is, and then later on, of course, we
think of all the things we want to say, so
(33:06):
having that one liner is is great. Well, thank you
so much for sharing your story with us and being
a listener and doing the amazing work that you're doing
in this world. I love this episode, I loved getting
to know you, and I'm just so thankful and congrats
on your wedding. I hope you have the best time
and enjoy that wedding cake. Thank you. I will
I won't let my body out be outwit everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it is beautiful and that will always out way if
(00:23):
you feel it with your hays in the air, She'll
love to the mow. I get there. Let's say good
day and did you and die out? Welcome back to Outweigh.
This week's episode is another guest story share. We had
ann on recently and so many people resonated just from
(00:45):
hearing from a listener. So Leanna, you are a listener
of Outweigh, right, I am. I found you guys a
year and a half ago, and because I've heard you
on another podcast and I've listened to ever since, and
I just love the message that you guys put out
there about disordered eating because I think there's not enough
about it. So I'm really grateful to be here. I'm
(01:07):
excited because your story is super relatable to so many
and similar to and story. You've had a huge growth
spurt in the span of just one year when so
many people have actually found their way to eating disorders
so many people have also found their way out. So
what happened in this last year, let's actually start there
and then maybe take it backwards. Yeah. Sure, So COVID happened,
(01:33):
and you know, we were all shelter in place at home,
and I don't know what pushed me. I started to like,
I've thought about, like is there a life outside of
counting calories, exercising, like being on this very strict plan.
Because I think a lot of my disordered eating was
related to fear gaining weight, because I've had an ups
(01:54):
and downs with my weight and I'll share more about that.
But I always had a little like thing in the
back of my mind, like will I live like this forever?
And in the beginning of COVID, I found Intuitive Eating
meeting on from like social media, and I don't know
exactly where I heard about the book, but I found
the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tripoli and at Lease Rush,
(02:16):
and I just started reading it. I was mind blown.
And because they were sharing things that like, we're exactly
my thought process, and they also shared solutions. They also
shared like there is another way, and the other way
is trusting your body, which is something that for me,
I know I've never been able to do or felt
(02:36):
like I could do, and I think our society doesn't
allow us to do or think that we can. So
I felt okay, like this is my other ways, This
like actually a thing I could do. And I was
working with with a dietitian prior to this phase just
kind of like pre intuitive eating, I wasn't I was
like kind of like teetering. I was on the fence.
And then I started working with a new dietitian that
(02:59):
actually really was certified and eating disorders and she had
a lot of knowledge and intuitive eating. So kind of
all happened at the at the best time, because when
I first started with her, I went from a place
from like I don't know what else I could work
on too. I want to work on intuitive eating and
this is my goal. And so I started working with
her ever since the pandemic started, and we worked through
(03:22):
the Intuitive Eating workbook, and I have to say it
was a lot of ups and downs, especially with being
in COVID. And I remember like the first time we
had an outing and a gathering, it was a big
shock because I had a lot of concerns with two people.
No notice I gained weight or how do I eat
(03:43):
like a normal person. I don't know how to eat
like a normal person, because I know I just always
had numbers in my head and the amount of calories
things were. But then, you know, as I just got
more practiced with that and approached it with more curiosity
rather than shame as them so used to be coming
at myself with shame of why did you eat that?
(04:04):
X y Z, I was able to have compassion for
myself and also realize how big my world has gotten
because my life was very small in disordered eating. I've
missed out on friends parties, I've missed out on family gatherings,
and even if I were there physically, I was not
there emotionally at all. Hearing you speak to your story
(04:26):
just also reminds me of my story, which I assume
you know our countless listeners are like, yes, that's me.
And the funny thing about when you're in disordered eating,
I don't know if you degree, but certainly we we
can reflect and say, Okay, my life was small, but
at the time you don't realize how small it is
until you wi didn't it and you're living this fuller life.
(04:47):
That's the word that so many people speak to when
they start to trust their bodies and really kind of
face those big fears. So would you agree that, like
while you were in it, you wouldn't have ever maybe
admitted or said, yeah, my life is small, because it
was just life as you know it. Percent I really
thought that that was my life, and I thought this
(05:09):
was what I'm supposed to do, that like this is
the way it is. I'm doing what's best for me
because I couldn't deal with eating or or handling life
any other way. I just wasn't at the emotional capacity.
I didn't even know if I was neat wedding cake
at my wedding, Like I didn't know what that was
gonna look like. And I'm grateful that today I am
going to plan on eat everything and anything on that
(05:31):
day that I want to and my body wants at
that day. So yeah, I agree, I think in that
I didn't realize and I thought that honestly, I thought
I was this is really bad to say. I thought
it was better than everyone else at me, and that
like I'm able to stay on my plan. I'm not
eating all this food when like I'm the one being fooled.
I'm the one missing out. Yeah. Again, it feels like
(05:53):
your words are my words. So I can imagine that
a lot of listeners are like, yes, thank you for
saying it is saying that there's that self righte is
feeling that fuels you enough. And then when you f
up by eating or not working out or whatever, somehow
a way, you don't remember that part. You're still get
the fuel off of the being better than everybody else
(06:14):
and you don't recognize this isn't working. But I'm curious
because I think so many people are out of place
similar to you. Where you were, I should say where
you know you were working with the other dietitian, but
you were interested in finding the freedom, but you were
kind of teetering for a while. Was there any one
thing that made you feel like you could take the
(06:36):
leap and do something different? Yes, I think I was
at a place of desperation, and honestly, having faith in
a higher power has helped me. I've developed a strong
faith in a higher power within the last couple of years,
and different than my own upbringing and my religious background.
But I knew that, like I had to just take
(06:57):
away the control that I was fostering and turn it
over to something bigger than myself and know that, like
my higher power wants the best for me and whatever
that may be, you know, God, not God, anything bigger
than myself. That like I've catastrophized that like if I
eat a certain thing, I'm going to gain X amount
of pounds and I'm just never going to go back.
(07:17):
Like I was in such a terrible headspace, and I
recognize that, like I am not that powerful and that
I just had to like trust something else. I had
to turn it over and it was just an experiment,
and I was trusting my dietitian, the intuitive eating dietitian.
I trusted all of the things I saw on social media.
(07:38):
I trusted people like you guys on the podcast, hearing
other people's stories and what intuitive eating was like for them.
Because of course, my thinking is, well, that's not going
to happen to me. I'm not gonna, you know, be
able to do this successfully. But really I'm not that unique,
and so I try. I had to look at a
lot of other people's experiences with this to like reduce
(08:02):
the way I catastrophies if I were to engage into
itive eating. Because I was very black and white The
two things that I want to harp on are two
words that you just brought up that are really interesting,
especially in the conversation of trusting yourself and all the
things that we talk about in true wellness. So you
said that you were less powerful that you thought, and
(08:23):
that you're not unique, and both of those almost sound negative,
right like we hear about positive affirmations to start the day,
I am powerful, I am strong, I am this. Rather
for you, it was saying I'm not all that powerful.
There's something bigger than me out there and I trust it.
And the unique thing to kind of speak so you know,
(08:43):
I talk a lot about self worth, and it almost
sounds like by saying I'm not unique, that you have
negative self worth. But really it's a much more complicated
conversation to humble yourself and say this isn't working for me,
just like it hasn't worked for the millions of people before,
and look at all these people that it is working for,
(09:05):
maybe I could be like them. So it was super
interesting language to show up here and say I'm not
powerful and I'm not unique and kind of strip away
from all the things that we cling to, maybe ego based,
maybe control based, and really find the control underneath all
of that. Yes, and I think you're right. I think
(09:25):
someone would hear that and probably say, oh, that would
diminish my self esteem. But I think a lot of
my disordered eating is and was the control factor. And
like you said, it's letting go of that control and
recognizing like I'm again like I'm not that powerful, and
that if I continue to hold onto this control by
(09:46):
like counting calories, measuring my exercise, weighing myself every day,
I can't trust anyone else. I can't trust my body.
I'm gonna be so far away from my body. And
I felt very detached for my body for many years.
When working with a professional, the Intuitive eating dietitian, what
sort of things and types of controls did you have
to give up? The types of controls I had to
(10:07):
give up were the diet rules, and I didn't even
realize I had so many. But I have a lot.
And whether it be I can't eat more than X
amount of this type of food or I can't eat
at this time, I oh my hunger and fullness was
a huge one because I used to push off my
hunger like I used to push off the time that
I ate and that like, it's been two and a
(10:29):
half hours, I can't eat yet, and I would just
obsess about food. I used to think that obsessing about
food was a me problem, and that I thought about
food like twenty three hours of the day. Oh, mine
is sleeping. But like I had to let go of
the fact that that's not something that's wrong with me.
It's not it's because I'm hungry. I'm hungry and taking
(10:51):
that leap of faith and that when I started fueling
my body, I don't think about food anymore, which is
astronomically crazy because I never thought I would be at
the at that place. Another thing I had to let
go of was fitting in a certain size. And I
used to and I'm a tall person, I'm like five seven.
It was almost again an ego thing, like I'm better
(11:12):
than everyone else because I can fit into this size.
But I think a little little though in the back
of my mind was this isn't realistic. I can't fit
in the size forever. And so I I gave away
and like I I purged a lot of clothing, a
lot of clothing, and it helped that we were moving
and I had to buy clothes in a bigger size,
and I realized, even though that was scary, that by
(11:35):
wearing clothes that fit me right and that fit my body,
I thought less about my body because wearing uncomfortable clothes,
it's just like it's all you can think about. So
I actually thought less about my body and that was
a big thing. And that, like trying on certain clothes
or body checking, was another thing I had to let
go of, like knowing when to look in the mirror,
(11:56):
why I'm looking in the mirror or photos, and just
my motive vasions around it, like being very specific on
what am I looking at here right? Like rather than
do I look good? Am I able to just feel
how the clothing fits on me rather than looking in
the mirror, because I can get very shame based and
have a lot of negative self talk when I look
in the mirror. You've said so many important things that
(12:18):
I thank you for sharing in such an honest way too,
Especially you know it wasn't just that you gave up
body checking, but that you gave up body checking with
the recognition and the mindfulness that when you do that,
you get really negative on yourself. Meanwhile, you're empowered when
you can feel clothing that feels good on your body,
that hugs you in the right places, that feels good.
(12:38):
So it sounds like you did an amazing work. You
worked with a professional that you trusted, which I think
is really key. So I just want to throw that
out there. You gave her your trust and she likely
did things said things created a safe environment for you
as well, which is so important. And all the factors
kind of came together for you to you know, be
(12:59):
step being into your wedding this year, which was delayed,
and find yourself in a place where I'm feeling like
a wave of confidence for you. You mentioned that there
are ups and downs, So like all stories, I don't
like to, you know, pretend that it's all easy for
you every day. But I think we can all feel
your confidence radiating. So let's back up a little bit
(13:22):
now too. When you went to college, things really changed
for you, right, And I think that's a time that
it changes for a lot of people. Tell us about
what happened when you went to college. Yeah, so, prior
to college, I was struggling with some mental health stuff.
So I was going away to college and I was excited.
But of course, you always here in the back of
(13:43):
your mind, don't gain the freshman fifteen or whatever it is.
So now I'm out of my own, I'm free. And
I definitely use alcohol as a way to cope with
my mental health and my social anxiety, because of course
I thought that alcohol made me more social, which it
probably did, but then it only ended in binge eating
(14:05):
and and then which led to the next morning of
exercising to compensate for the food that I ate. And
I was in this spiral of binge eating, binge drinking,
probably getting sick from the alcohol more times than than not,
and then compensating by over exercising and being very focused
(14:27):
on the food I ate. And I remember this distinct
moment of looking at the scale and noticed I gained
like some weight, and I honestly I cared, but I
didn't care, I think because I didn't know what else
to do. There was a point that I found myself
just alone in my room, that I wasn't going out
anymore towards the end, and I had a lot of
(14:49):
friends at college, and I found myself in my dorm
room alone and just eating, and my anxiety increased a lot,
and I ended up coming home after a year and
a half of being at that school, which I think
was the best decision I could have made, because I realized,
you know, I wasn't going to class like every day,
and I was like, what track am I on? And like,
(15:11):
what's my future gonna look like? I'm going to be
a college for way longer than I could have been.
And I remember people questions like, why are you coming home?
I don't get it because I didn't share about it
with anyone. I didn't put words to it. I didn't
know what was going on. I had a lot of friends,
so people questioned, like, usually people come home because they're
not having a good time, but you're having a good time.
And I was really struggling inside. And I ended up
(15:35):
coming home from college and I ended up going to
a city school, which I think was the best thing
for me. I actually realized that I was I did
better academically than I thought, and I was able to
find my path, which was um eventually going to grad
school for mental health counseling. Interestingly enough, when I was
still at the city school for undergrad I found my
(15:57):
quote unquote answer, which was really intense exercise program, and
I found clean eating and that skyrocketed me to the
other end of the spectrum, which was Orthodoxia, which actually
learned from your podcast, and that is like the obsession
of clean eating, being quote unquote perfect and not going
outside of the realms of this obsession with healthy eating.
(16:21):
So I was diligently tracking food. I got that answer
whether it was okay, now I know how to eat,
but I also didn't know how to eat outside of
those little realms, whether it was like these rules again
that they started to that started to create, and I
had a lot of fear of gaining weight and going
back to where I was earlier in undergrad. So that's
(16:45):
where I felt like I had the obsession with clean
eating and over exercising still, and I remember going food
shopping and not buying any peanut butter that didn't have
an ingredient other than peanuts. That again made my life
very small. I entered grad school and I would say
(17:05):
I came out of that a little bit, but still
very very obsessive with calori accounting and feeling like I
need to stay in this smaller body. I loved my
grad program. I learned so much and I'm so grateful
for it. It actually led me to intern in a
substance abuse facility and I loved that so much and
I still work in the addiction world. And that's where
(17:29):
I learned about alcohol. It's anonymous, and I saw how
people were obviously addicted to drugs and alcohol and how
they were able to get sober and live a different life.
And I started it started to make me think about
my own relationship with food. And also this was the
first time that I had a full time job where
I'm surrounded with other people that come from their own background,
(17:52):
and I'm able to see like, oh, they have a
normal relationship with food, Like how can they just eat that?
I don't get it. And it started the thought process
of well, what about my relationship with food? And I
remember sharing about it for the first time with a
coworker of mine that I was very close with, and
(18:13):
she was like, m I think you should take a
look at this. And I've been in therapy. I was
in therapy, but I never brought it up because again
I didn't deem it as a problem or I didn't
want to even as a problem. I had all these
other issues that I wanted to focus on, but like
I wasn't ready to bring this thing to the surface
because then I'd have to do something about it, because
that's how I am. So then when she said this
(18:35):
to me, I was like, okay, cool, but I still
didn't do anything about it. And so then I found
myself at my last binge because I remember it was
my twenty third birthday. I went out to brunch with
my friends, and I remember having that birthday mindset where
this was something that I did, like on holidays or
special occasions. I would go bowl to the wall and
(18:58):
not track and found myself ill at the end of
the night because I ate so much. And then I
over exercise the next day, of course, So I remember
we went out to brunch, had a great time, and
I was living with my fiance at the time, well
my now fiance, you know, we were living together, and
(19:18):
he was downstairs with his friends and I was upstairs
and I found myself just engeating like leftover Chinese food,
and I couldn't stop, and I was so at my
rock bottom. And that's where I finally reached out for help,
and I knew I had to do something about it
because I just couldn't live. I think what really got
(19:39):
me there was like the feelings of shame and just
the self talk I had. It was this endless cycle
and I didn't know how to get out of it.
So that's kind of like how college led me to
where I was. Yeah, and it's I think it's a
pretty common trajectory of you know, you get to college
and you have this time and new fears, and there's
(20:00):
a lot of focus at least when I went to college,
and sounds like for you also on body, but also
on having fun. But the fun leads to you know,
late night eating and things that you weren't doing in
high school, and you try to combat it, and you
find yourself just in this like vicious race of constantly
thinking about food, constantly compensating for food, you know, on
(20:23):
whether it was Facebook or Instagram at the time, you know,
you look like the quintessential happy college student, but your
mind is just consumed with fear and all that. So
it's it's a very traditional I feel like, because I
mean traditional for me because I speak to so many people,
but a very isolating experience when you're going through it.
I speak firsthand from remembering it as well as you know,
(20:47):
working with people in in college or after college that
reflect on that time period. So after that kind of
more obvious cycle, you found your way into a more
quote unquote healthy obsession with food by and without a
label or a word with orthorexia. This felt right for you.
I'm eating, I'm eating enough, I'm eating healthy foods. How
(21:07):
could any of this be wrong with me? And yet
at the same time, you found yourself within the same
confines that you found yourself previously, when you know it
was more obviously disordered or um, you know, a little
bit might have caught the attention of somebody else where,
This wasn't catching the attention of other people because it
(21:28):
was probably a lifestyle that many people wanted. Oh I
was praised for it and the validation, oh, you're so
disciplined and you're so good, And there was also that
fear of letting that go. And at the same time,
to just highlight how easy it is to miss this,
you're also at the time in grad school for mental health.
(21:48):
You know, for me to looking back when I was
studying to be a registered dietitian in grad school, that's
certainly when my disordered eating also had an uptick. And
this was less send ten years ago, and the words
disordered eating were never brought up. I assume it's the
same in your grad school and the words orthorexia was
(22:09):
never ever brought up, because I'm not sure is it
even in the D s M. Now you know, I
have to check, but I highly doubt it. It may
be like a typical and arexia or right, so it's
not recognized as a clinical mental disorder or I don't
know if that that terminology feels funny? Is that okay
to say mental illness? A mental illness? Yeah, it's not recognized.
(22:31):
And if you're a professional who has never experienced it,
especially older generations that can't understand how healthy eating would be,
you know something negative, You just feel like, how could
I stop this quote unquote good thing. There's all the applause.
I'm eating healthy food. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
And it's really kind of confusing. And you said one
(22:54):
thing that I just want to go back to because
I feel like a listener may be getting defensive, as
I would if I heard one thing that you said
back when I was disordered, which is you would only
eat the peanut butter with peanuts in it, And to
a regular listener, why is that? Why is that necessarily harmful.
(23:14):
How is you know doing something like that potentially bad?
I care about my health, that in isolation might be
fine for you listener. You know I personally when I
do buy peanut butter for my house and I might
look at the ingredients make sure it's peanut butter, you know, oil, salt,
maybe a few things. But in combination with the rest
(23:37):
of my behaviors thoughts at that time and the obsession
as well as the inability to eat a peanut butter
if it had sugar or any other ingredient in it
at the time that wasn't deemed as you know, good
for you. Is kind of the differentiating point here. So
for anyone listening, it's not necessarily that eating a salad
(23:58):
right makes you disordered, or have a the peanut butter
with one ingredient, or choosing an apple to eat, you know,
whatever it is makes you disordered. But it's really looking
at your the word you used early on which I'd
love to pick back up, which is your motivation behind
it and really you know, diving deep deeper into that.
So I just want to thank you for saying that
(24:18):
and expand the conversation. I believe correct me if I'm wrong.
The first time you heard the word orthorexia or understood
it was from aweigh the episode with Jennifer Rowlin and yeah,
I believe season one. Yeah, And that really opened my
eyes because, like you were saying, it's not just about
that isolated decision to get the peanut butter. I always
like to ask, like, what's the severity here, Like is
(24:40):
it causing the anxiety? Is it causing me to spiral
and ruminate about that peanut butter? Because it's not, like
you said, it's not just about the peanut butter. It's
like that can like how we look at anything. It's
what else is going on in that situation? Right, So
I just want to also ask you. You've been such
an open book with us. I appreciate it, and I've
(25:01):
got two questions that I think our listeners would just
really benefit from. One is you've had a huge shift
in the past year and a half that at least
I know about, and it feels like I get it.
Didn't know you before, but it feels like you're a
different person. How has being so aware of diet talk
impacted your family dynamics. That's a good one, you know,
(25:24):
when you say that it's increased like my confidence, it's
crazy to hear because I think it definitely has. And honestly,
I think it's made me closer with my family. I
don't fault my family's comments if let's say, they say
something where they mean well and they say hey, like
you know, one one situation, my mom may hate me
(25:45):
for saying this, but it's fine. We went for dress shopping,
and I'll put it out there. I had to get
my dress taken out, and I think a lot of
women have fear around that and that we can't take
the dress out right. I have to fit into this dress.
And I bought my dress prior to the pandemic entered
in to it of eating, and I had to get
it taken out. And that's okay. So we're walking out
(26:06):
of the dress store and my mom turned to me,
and she's very aware of what I'm doing, and she's
so happy that I'm not restricting anymore. She turns me
and said, all right, Leana, like just lay off the carbs.
And I looked at her and I'm like, are you
are you kidding me right now? And I became very
angry inside, but I was able to explain to her
how that is detrimental to me and how that immediately
(26:28):
made me focus on because we went out to lunch
after and immediately made me focus on how many calories
I was eating so just so quick like that. And
I don't fold her for that because look at the
society we live in. And she was very receptive and
she is also putting the trust in me and my
guidetitian and my therapist in this process. And also like
(26:49):
other comments that have been made but nothing about I
guess my body, thankfully, but if they were, I was
able to set certain boundaries and explain, like, no, I
don't have to worry about fitting in addressed because I
trust myself. I trust my hunger cues, my fullness cues
the intuitive eating process because I know that if I
try to diet, it's gonna spiral and it's not going
(27:10):
to be fun. And I think they also they knew
how obsessive I was. They saw it, and I think
they put it in my hands to know when it
was time to get help around it. And I explained
that to my mom, you know, she asked, why wouldn't
you focus on it in your therapy in the past,
and I said, I it was not even on the
(27:32):
plate for me. So I really think it made me
closer with them, and I think it also allowed me
to be more confident and outside of my own head.
And I think it's also allowed me to recognize that
some of the resentments I put up against certain family
members was because they were putting. They were asking me
if I wanted certain foods, and because I was restricting.
(27:55):
I was in my head thinking, what stop asking me?
I don't want it? But it was because as I
was so uncomfortable. So I also recognized my own part
in that, and that again this society we live in
and people push food on some people, and I've just
been able to set certain boundaries with that. So yeah,
it actually had the And I'm grateful that I've heard
terrible stories about some comments from family members of other
(28:19):
people who have gone through this process, so I am
grateful that my family have has been very supportive. Well,
you actually covered my second question, which was about your dress,
and you know, I'll think a lot of brides are
going through that, so you really kind of answered that,
and it sounds like, you know, taking out your dress,
would you say it was liberating? Yes, yes, and I
(28:41):
recognize that and how much better it's going to look
on your current body though. I mean, imagine if I
try to lose weight to be in this dress, have anxiety,
and then look back at these photos and probably remember
how miserable I was inside. And I found the place
I got my address from was very supportive. They were
(29:04):
very in tune with I guess maybe my own gestures
and the way I maneuvered the situation because I did
not mention weight. I didn't mention losing weight. I mentioned
gaining weight, and they were very respectful. And I think
that's very important because I think it's a big assumption that, Okay,
you're getting married, what died are you going to go on?
Or are you planning to lose more weight before the dress?
(29:26):
And it doesn't have to be that way, It really doesn't.
Why do we have to try to fit into address
when we can just get addressed that fits us. Yes,
beautifully said, and I really love how you shared that.
I think a lot of people self, you know, loses
their voice when trigger and comment is made not necessarily
in relation to just eating, but also for eating but
(29:48):
or food, body image, all that stuff. But I think
a lot of people shut down in those moments. And
I've heard from another follower of mine recently who shared
a story with me, and she was telling me that
this was she had a really triggering conversation with her partner,
and after our d M back and forth, she went
back to her partner and had a conversation about it,
(30:09):
and turns out she was first of all misinterpreting the
intention and the words and everything altogether. But I was
so impressed because I think having those hard conversations, finding
your voice in those moments are really hard for me personally.
So I have so much respect that in that moment
where you you said you got so angry inside you
were maybe because of the work you've been doing with
(30:31):
your eating disorder, dietitian, or just perhaps who you are,
you were really equipped to say, I trust my hunger
and fullness cues, and I know that by restricting carbs
it will backfire for me. And I just want to
offer up that sentence to and you know, insert whatever
it is you need to insert anybody who's listening to
kind of have that ready and available for a time
(30:53):
when you're being questioned for how much you're eating, what
you're eating or your body, you know changing. I trust
my hunger and fullness queues, and I know that eating
any other way will backfire for me mentally, physically and emotionally.
And I think a lot of times people just need
what is that quick feeder line back so that I
could end this conversation regain my power. And it's really hard.
(31:16):
I think, you know, as a mental health counselor, like
when you're triggered, you're not no longer in your I
think it's your pre for frontal cortex, where you are
logical and able to speak words. You know, you really
transition into a place of like But you know, like
for me at least, you know, it's like I can't
think of what I would logically say, and then I
get back to my baseline and I'm like, oh, I
(31:38):
wish I said this, I wish I said that, and
all the thoughts come back to you. But I think
having that pocket word, that pocket sentence, that pocket phrase
available for you is like such an amazing gift that
you just gave all of our listeners. So thank you
so much for sharing all of your story and that
tip that I know is going to save a lot
(31:58):
of things. And lastly, I just want to say that
it's so awesome that your relationship with your mom was
strengthened by that conversation. So many times we think when
we put boundaries in place, or we have hard conversations
or we explain how we're truly thinking it's going to
push people away, but it really creates a more intimate
relationship to come together. And it's so important to remember
(32:23):
that that is what happens, even though we forget or
can't believe that that it will happen. Yes, And I
always tell people, even like clients that I work with,
that boundaries are there to protect us and protect the relationship.
So like, I set that boundary because I want a
healthy relationship with her, and I know that if I didn't,
I would have that resentment stirring inside and probably take
(32:44):
it out in a later time when I'm not thinking logically.
So boundaries are so important. They're like my favorite thing. Yeah.
The one liner is something my dietitian actually recommended to
me because I agree. We don't we don't think how
we would normally think. When we get triggered. We kind
of like revert back to either a little child or
whatever it is, and then later on, of course, we
think of all the things we want to say, so
(33:06):
having that one liner is is great. Well, thank you
so much for sharing your story with us and being
a listener and doing the amazing work that you're doing
in this world. I love this episode, I loved getting
to know you, and I'm just so thankful and congrats
on your wedding. I hope you have the best time
and enjoy that wedding cake. Thank you. I will
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
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Amy Brown
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