June 12, 2021 • 22 mins
Recovery isn’t linear, Scale neutrality, and comparing your weight to your partners.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outweigh everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll love
to the boom I get there. Let's say, good day
and time did you and die out Welcome back to
out Way. We've got Ali Boonder back on Outweigh and
it's just me today, me and Ali, of course. And
I wanted to bring Ali back on because, as we know,
(00:44):
she does such an amazing job sharing her journey through
disordered eating on Instagram, which is really unique. But you
also do a really amazing job of sharing how you
do it while being in a relationship. So before we
dive into that, I just want to say, it's been
so amazing to watch you publicly go from girl to
(01:08):
woman over the last five years or so that I've
known you and step into your power from business to
food to honestly, just the energy of confidence that you
give off. It's it's really amazing and it's been interesting
to really watch from the beginning because you started sharing
from your sticky place, from that place where most people
(01:31):
tuck away their problems. So to see you here and
watch the journey is is kind of like a little
novel on your Instagram that people can kind of go through.
It is. Yeah, no, thank you so much. I really
appreciate that it is. And there's sometimes you know, when
you look back and I'm like, I kind of cringe,
but I'm so glad that it's all there, because you know,
it really is. It's an evolution and it's been so interesting.
(01:54):
You know. I've continued to share about food obviously because
it's my passion. I love it, you know, it's what
I do for a living. But at the same time,
it's just from a different place and it's you know,
as I mentioned in last episode, it's not from this
place of fear, but rather it's just a celebration of
eating and the joy of food and you know, breaking
bread with loved ones and it's not you know, this
(02:16):
gluten free, you know, dairy free thing that I feel
like I can only have because it's like clean and
you know, low calorie, and it's just a different energy
around it. So that's awesome. That you've sort of picked
up on that, because you know, I feel like a
completely different person and it's been a lot of evolution
in a short amount of time. So I'm exhausted enough.
But also in a public way, when we hear Demi Levado,
(02:40):
for example, I know she's, you know, not to make
a comparison between myself for you or Demi Levado, but
it's like she talks about her past struggles and now
she recounts stories that we never heard before, and even myself,
you know, just the timing of Instagram came in a
time in my life where a lot of it was
already figured out. But when you have gone through it,
(03:03):
the emotional processing, taking us along for the ride, and
now seeing you here, it's just incredible. I think it
gives people hope. Is there anything that you would caution
somebody from doing in terms of using Instagram to heal
as somebody who did do it to heal. Were there
any moments where showing up publicly wasn't the best thing
(03:26):
for you? Yeah, that's an interesting question. I don't think
I've ever been asked that before. I mean, you know,
you're in a really vulnerable, delicate place, obviously, again, it
can't speak for everyone, but I definitely was, you know,
and sometimes things can really trigger you or set you
off that you know, maybe for someone that doesn't have
issues with food, you know wouldn't be affected. And I
(03:49):
do get lots, not lots, but I've gotten a few
messages from people saying, you know, hey, this this post
that you shared really triggered me. And you know, I
know you've talked about this before and it's sort of
an interesting topic, but it's you know, really I say
this with love, but you know, that's actually a great
indicator that you know there's something there you need to
work on. And you know, if I were to hear
(04:10):
that in a place where I felt very triggered, I
would be you know, very reactive and defensive. And you know,
and obviously it's nuanced it. I never try to share
anything that will intentionally trigger someone or you know, irritate
them or cause them harm. But if you're getting triggered
by you know, something that's sort of just me sharing
my experience or you know, it's a good again, a
good check engine light for you to say, Okay, this
(04:33):
is something that you know, maybe I need to work
on or I need to dig deeper with a therapist
on because there were things for me during my healing
journey where I was still following people that, in hindsight
were super disordered and I didn't see it at the time.
So I would say, you know, the only caution that
I would really give people is, you know, be really
cognizant of who you're following and the content that you're consuming,
(04:56):
because I felt like there was this gray area in
my recovery where I was still you know, a little disordered,
but I was really trying hard to repair my relationship
with food, and you know, follow accounts that were you know,
body neutral and body positive and you know, talked about
food freedom counts like yours, you know, and so I
was sort of getting fed two narratives, and I was
(05:18):
just feeling very overwhelmed and confused, you know, because I'd
be scrolling my feet and it would be you know,
someone talking about counting you know, their car their net
carbs and whatever, and then I would come across someone
that's like, you know, eat all the carbs, and I
was just like, what do I do? You know? And
both women are you know, looking vibrant and healthy and
in love with their bodies, and I just didn't know
(05:38):
where I fit in, and I didn't know which one
was like my people, you know, because you're trying to
kind of fit yourself into a tribe. So I would
say it can be very overwhelming and confusing. And so
I think a good tip that I wish I would
have learned is, you know, taking time off social media
during some of those moments. And you're really good at
least about taking social media detoxes. I need to get
(06:00):
better at it, but sometimes, you know, your best evolution
and your best growth happens offline. Actually most of it,
I'm sure. And although I am proud that there were
moments where, you know, I remember doing a post after
I you know, really moments after I binged almost an
entire jar of peanut butter, and I took a selfie
and I was in my kitchen and I was feeling
(06:20):
so just so much, so many a mix of feelings
because it was a few, you know, maybe like a
year nine months to a year into really my you know,
deep recovery journey, and I almost felt like, you know,
I was past this, Like it was the first binge
I had had in about nine months to a year
and I was really stressed with a business and I
had a lot going on, and I just I mean,
(06:43):
I snapped and I just binged, and I don't know
what overcame me, but I had this feeling to just
take a selfie of myself and post it immediately to
my feed with just like really a brain dump of
what I was feeling and thinking. And I've never received
so many messages and you know and sweet just comments
and you know, people reaching out to me and just
(07:03):
number one, you know, just resonating and feeling have you know,
they've been there, but also just really acknowledging me for
sharing in that moment, just so vulnerably because it's so
easy to look back, as you were saying, and talk
about things that happened in the past. You know, it's
so much easier, so much less uh less emotionally taxing.
(07:24):
But at the same time, you know, I am proud
of myself for doing that in the moment. But again
I think, yeah, if I were to give one tip,
it would be, you know, don't try to do too
much like because it's hard. It's a lot to process,
you know, and then also to do that publicly it's
even harder. So I would have told myself just you know,
take a break when you need it and um, you know,
give yourself time to just process those feelings and what
(07:47):
you're going through. And I think you bring up a
few points here that I just want to highlight. One
that it's not linear. So you could go nine months
without a binge and then you have a binge doesn't
mean that you're back to square one. Number two is
the time it takes. You know, we're talking about your recovery.
Most people are probably thinking it's a snap of the finger,
but you said nine months into your recovery, putting in
(08:07):
that work. And then I think most of all, you've
brought up in the last episode a few times that
you were working with a professional or some sort of
mental health or nutrition professional, which really highlights that Instagram
wasn't your only way to heel and I think that's important.
And now that you're like a little bit farther along,
I believe I don't know if you'd say that, but
(08:27):
like I said in the beginning, you have an energy
to you that is confident in many different areas of
your life. You're fulfilled in different ways. It seems the
one thing I would caution people from doing that I've
seen is sharing vulnerably for validation. You're you're probably five
or six years younger than me, so we have different
relationships to our stories and social media. But even like
(08:49):
five or six below you, like the college girls or
women right out of college, they grew up with social
media so forefront and with vulnerability as a trend. I
worry about the validation. So sharing something like your peanut
butter post, which happened to really land with a lot
of people. They're gonna be some days where you post
something vulnerably and it's healing for you. But when you
(09:12):
don't get the likes or the comment through the door,
you know, are you like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't
have shared that, because then the share wasn't for healing. Totally. Yeah,
I love that you brought that up because it's so true,
and I almost feel like I've trained myself expecting that
and it's been you know, it's scary even now when
I share something and I feel like now I'm kind
(09:33):
of sharing more like business entrepreneurs stuff, I don't really
get sweaty before I post, you know, because I'm sharing
something like really intense about my recovery like I used to,
but I would get really nervous, and then it was
almost like this calming effect of seeing the validation and
the comments and the likes rolling in and people being like, oh,
I see you girl. You know, oh I've been there,
and it was like okay, like I neede the right decision,
(09:56):
sort of just like confirming that, you know, again that
pad on the back of Okay, what I did was
the right move. You know, you're you know other people,
and then there you're not weird because of course there's
always that little like oh my gosh, like you know,
I'm I going to be the only one who's done this,
and people are gonna be like, well, that's weird, you know,
which of course it isn't, because again, like we've all
struggled with stuff like this. But at the same time, yeah,
(10:17):
I think you're so right. There is that that negative
or dark side to you know, vulnerability becoming a trend.
But I would argue, you know, I don't mind it,
even if there's people out there that you know, are
doing it for the validation I suppose, you know, I
think it's just the net is so positive and helpful
for people Like if I was, you know, in high
(10:38):
school or even starting college and I had the social
media I guess community or network that I have today,
I would have felt so much better about my body.
And I will say the downside really is it's only
on you, right, So if you're sharing something and you're
being vulnerable for the sake of validation, you know, it's
really only harming I guess you. But to other people,
(11:00):
they see that vulnerability and you're like, wow, you know,
I didn't like if I especially if I see celebrity,
someone who in the public eye seems very you know,
like they have their ship together and they share something.
You know, even if I read that now, I'm like, okay, cool,
you know, it's like stars are just like us. Like
it kind of makes me feel better in a weird way.
So yeah, I see both sides, but I think overall,
I think it could be a positive thing too for
(11:21):
younger women. I love that. So Eric is your boyfriend,
your co founder, your roommate, slam Daddy. You're slam Daddy
really everything, and he has been by your side through
this journey. The other day, you posted something that was
not something I actually have ever experienced, but It made
(11:41):
me really think, and you shared that you learned that
your significant other, Eric was only seven pounds heavier than
you are. Tell us about that story and what it
did for you and how you handled it. Yeah, yeah,
so this was I would say, there's moments in your
recovery that kind of shake you to your core and
(12:02):
challenge everything that you know you have worked hard towards.
This was definitely one of those times. The other one
was when COVID was happening and I felt like the
world was crumbling around me and I started grasping for
control and food. But that's a story from that. But yes,
this happened. So you know, I started working with a
personal trainer recently because, you know, working in the kitchen,
(12:24):
contrary to what a lot of people probably assume, it's
not just rainbows and daisies and making fun granola all day.
It's a lot of heavy lifting and oats and flax
and you know, heavy bags. And luckily, now you know,
we've built our team, so I don't have to do
that anymore. But at the beginning, when we first moved
to Philly, you know, February March, it was a lot
and I was exhausted, and you know, I felt really weak,
(12:46):
and I'm you know, I was the only woman in there.
I really wanted to like pull my weight, so to speak.
So I was like, you know, I'm going to hire
a personal trainer, see her a couple of days a week,
see how it goes. See if I can get you know,
build some biceps on these SpongeBob arms. And so the
first appointment with her, you know, she sort of takes
your beginning measurements, which at first, you know, I kind
of was like I shouldn't. I shouldn't do this right,
(13:08):
like it could be triggering for me. But I was like,
you know, I just met her, didn't really want to
you know, rock the boat. And so I'm like, okay, fine,
And then I was like, again, I shouldn't look at
the number. I shouldn't look the number. But I really
have gotten to a place where and I've talked about
this before, you know, scale neutrality, and again this is
I feel like, sort of a hot topic where not
(13:29):
everyone you know can agree on this, but I really,
you know, I got to this place in my recovery
where I was like, you know, I don't want to
feel like I'm chained or you know, like the scale
owns me, Like I want to get to this place
where I can read the number and feel emotionally neutral, right,
Like I want to get to this place where it
doesn't ruin my entire day, sort of like if someone
has a fear of spiders, you know, and it's like
(13:51):
exposure therapy. So there was a point in my recovery,
you know, where I was weighing myself and it helped
a lot, you know, contrary to what a lot of
people believe, it did help me a lot because I
was like, wow, you know, I saw the number fluctuated
up and down depending on my cycle, depending on how
much water I drank, and it became less and less significant.
It didn't become this big, scary number, and it finally
(14:13):
became you know, like it was just my height. It
was just you know, my shoe s eye something about me.
And I know that it's probably you know, not for everyone,
and it depends where you are in your recovery. But then,
you know, a lot of time passed where I just
became indifferent to weighing myself because it didn't make a difference,
you know, my worth or who I am, and I
just kind of forgot about it, honestly, that I had
(14:34):
a scale. So long story short, you know, the trainer
weighs me and Eric mentioned something when we got home,
and I'm not gonna, you know, obviously say numbers for anyone,
but he was like, oh, wow, you know I've lost
weight recently, you know, I weigh X. And then I
was like, I'm like, wait, say did you just say
a type of like come again? And it was only
(14:55):
seven pounds more than me. And to give you guys context,
Eric is probably six to I don't know, six two
or sixth three. He kind of slouches so and I'm
like five four, so you know, a pretty big height difference.
And he's always been very like long and lanky, you know,
and so it was not not really a surprise, but
I guess just hearing that number it just really rocked me.
And so I decided to talk about it because I
(15:16):
recently had someone on my podcast, Kayla Nielsen, who you know,
she's lesbian. She's dating or actually just engaged to a woman,
and that's really common. She was telling me in the
LGBT community, where you know, comparing your body to your
partner's body because it's two women right, it's like comparing
you know, when you have two sisters or twins, and
it's very common. And that was something I had never
(15:38):
thought of as a straight woman. So that was really interesting.
It started getting me thinking about it. But then also
just this you know notion and sort of this you know,
societal norm of having your partner, your you know, your husband,
your male slam daddy be much bigger and stronger and
you know, way more than you. And as the woman,
you're supposed to be small and petite and you know, palatable,
(16:00):
and it just yeah, I just really got me thinking,
and so I want to talk about it, and um,
you know, I'm not gonna lie. It's still was something
that affected me. And again it was one of those
moments that it rocked me and I was kind of
like got it. Just it made me check myself and
it really made me. I mean immediately I had those
thoughts of like, wow, you know, I really let myself go.
You know, I need to start cleaning up my diet.
(16:21):
Like all of those old thoughts patterns were just sort
of you know, re emerging. And luckily, because of the
years of you know, just self work and working with professionals,
I you know, have the opportunity to really hear those
thoughts and just hear them for what they are, their thoughts.
They're not the truth. And then I was able to
separate myself from them and be like, Okay, I can
choose to follow these thoughts, but I know where it's
(16:42):
going to lead me. It's going to lead me into
a downward spiral. It's going to lead me into disordered
patterns and just a place where I've been before and
I don't want to go back to. So I'm going
to choose to follow other thoughts, you know, thoughts where
my weight doesn't determine my worth. I am lovable exactly
how I am. Who says that that Eric? You know,
it's not okay if Eric weighs the same as me,
(17:03):
or if I weigh more than Eric. Um. And when
I talked about it, I had a lot of women
commenting that were like, wow, you know, thank you, Like
I actually weigh more than my husband or my partner.
And I felt very shameful about it for a really
long time. So yeah, that's kind of just I mean
what I want to say about that, But it was just, yeah,
something I was on my mind, and something that I
guess I didn't really realize was still you know, some
(17:24):
stuff that was coming up for me. I just think
it was so so interesting and working with people over
the years, there's always this comparison with the partner thing
that comes up, whether the partner eats more or eats less.
You know, that's a big one too. Have has that
come up for you? Oh yeah, oh my god, I
mean so yes, Like historically, it's always been something that
(17:47):
I've had to work on. I mean, for example, the
first trip that Eric and I went on together when
we first started dating, we went to Paris, City of Food,
and you know, I eat every few hours honestly, and
he's the type of guy that you know, talk about
people who forget to eat. Like even we're at the
office now and he's like, oh, it's four or forty five,
(18:07):
you know, haven't had lunch yet, and I'm like really,
I'm like about I'm ready for dinner. I've already had
multiple meals. But we were on our first you know,
the occasion together, and I remember just feeling so faint
because I would I felt so insecure about how much
more frequently I was eating than him because we had
just started dating. You know, we weren't comfortable with each
other yet, and so I was like and he just
(18:28):
you know, kept on chugging along, didn't say anything about
wanting to get food, which just goes to show again
just my fear of eating in front of other people
and just being afraid to to share my needs, my
inherentce like human needs. You know. It's like saying that
you're afraid to go to the bathroom, like I was
afraid to be like, hey, you know, you don't want
to grab something to eat, I'm getting a little hungry,
(18:48):
Like that would have been terrifying for me. So rather,
I just discarded my you know, primal instincts and my
hunger signals and I just tried to chug on through
like him and work. You know, in Paris, you're walking
all over the place. We were sightseeing and burnt, you know,
expending a lot of energy. And then you know, I
just got really itchy, bitchy and twitchy, like I say,
(19:10):
and I snapped at him for something and he was like,
are you okay? And I was like, I'm just so hungry,
like you know, and of course it's like ship hit
the fan because I didn't say anything and I was like,
I can't believe you're not hungry, Like it's been you know,
we've been walking around for eight hours, Like how are
you not hungry? He's like, I don't know, Like sorry,
I don't know. I'm just not hungry yet. And he
was like, do we want to go get something to eat?
And I was like yes, Like I'm so hungry. He
(19:32):
was like, okay, why don't you say anything? And so
it just was it's so comical now, but at the time,
it really was a huge thing. And even since then,
you know, and I've gotten to this place now where
it doesn't face me at all, Lisa, and I'm so
I'm proud of myself for getting to that point because
I think, you know, for someone who's in a disordered place,
it's difficult. A relationship is difficult in any you know,
(19:52):
any way that you you put it. Sometimes some people
have partners who are eating much more than them, and
that's challenging, but for me, it was the opposite. And
so I felt like, you know, I was trying to
you know, relax around food and eat more, but here
my partner was you know, not eating, and I felt
like it was this you know, he was like waving
it in front of my face. So yeah, so it's
been you know, it's been a learning journey for sure,
(20:14):
but I think the biggest thing and Eric is so logical.
He was like, you know, I told him about this
and I was like, I finally got to the point.
We've been dating for almost eight years and this was
only like a year or two ago, and I told him.
I was like, this really affects me, like that you
go all day without eating. I feel really insecure about it,
Like I'm the woman I'm supposed to be dainty, you know,
what the hell is up? Like why are you the
(20:35):
one who's not eating? And he was just so he's
so logical. He's a bioengineer, you know, just classic engineer brain.
And he was like, Ali, why does what I eat
affects how you feel? Or why does what I eat
effect when you eat? Like we're two different people, just
so simply, you know. And I'm like wrapped up in
my emotion and the story around it, and I was like, God,
you're so right. But yeah, so it's been a journey.
(20:57):
I think, you know, I'm a much better place now.
But it is a process, and it's so if you're
out there and that's you right now, Like you're not alone,
and I think just as much as you can separating
and just you know, listening to the Eric voice in
your mind and be like, what my partner eats has
nothing to do with you know, we're two different people,
we have different needs, all that good stuff. I love that,
(21:18):
and I think that's great advice. And I love how
he really just functions as a mirror for you, you know,
like you threw it at him and he untangled it
for you, and it was like this, my eating is
not actually a problem. That is your problem, you know,
but it was kind of helpful because it helps you
check yourself rather than you know, him contribute in any
(21:39):
negative way, which sometimes partners don't know how to react
or they try to respond in a way that's helpful,
but it could actually be worse to try and help you.
But you just straight up was like, this is my body.
I got this, your body, you got this, and kind
of created autonomy between the two again. So that's that's amazing. Totally. Well,
we loved having you in out way for two episodes.
(22:01):
If you missed the first episode, we talked all about
Ali's eating or binge, eating, eating from the trash some
of those more shameful moments that she's happy to share
because she knows that it will help other people. And
thanks for shining your light on the world, whether it's
talking about your journey or creating delicious granola butter. We're
just so lucky to have you. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah,
(22:24):
I was just awesome. And um, I hope it helps
at least one person, well for sure. Thanks everyone,
I won't let my body out be outweigh everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful and I will always out Way if you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll love
to the boom I get there. Let's say, good day
and time did you and die out Welcome back to
out Way. We've got Ali Boonder back on Outweigh and
it's just me today, me and Ali, of course. And
I wanted to bring Ali back on because, as we know,
(00:44):
she does such an amazing job sharing her journey through
disordered eating on Instagram, which is really unique. But you
also do a really amazing job of sharing how you
do it while being in a relationship. So before we
dive into that, I just want to say, it's been
so amazing to watch you publicly go from girl to
(01:08):
woman over the last five years or so that I've
known you and step into your power from business to
food to honestly, just the energy of confidence that you
give off. It's it's really amazing and it's been interesting
to really watch from the beginning because you started sharing
from your sticky place, from that place where most people
(01:31):
tuck away their problems. So to see you here and
watch the journey is is kind of like a little
novel on your Instagram that people can kind of go through.
It is. Yeah, no, thank you so much. I really
appreciate that it is. And there's sometimes you know, when
you look back and I'm like, I kind of cringe,
but I'm so glad that it's all there, because you know,
it really is. It's an evolution and it's been so interesting.
(01:54):
You know. I've continued to share about food obviously because
it's my passion. I love it, you know, it's what
I do for a living. But at the same time,
it's just from a different place and it's you know,
as I mentioned in last episode, it's not from this
place of fear, but rather it's just a celebration of
eating and the joy of food and you know, breaking
bread with loved ones and it's not you know, this
(02:16):
gluten free, you know, dairy free thing that I feel
like I can only have because it's like clean and
you know, low calorie, and it's just a different energy
around it. So that's awesome. That you've sort of picked
up on that, because you know, I feel like a
completely different person and it's been a lot of evolution
in a short amount of time. So I'm exhausted enough.
But also in a public way, when we hear Demi Levado,
(02:40):
for example, I know she's, you know, not to make
a comparison between myself for you or Demi Levado, but
it's like she talks about her past struggles and now
she recounts stories that we never heard before, and even myself,
you know, just the timing of Instagram came in a
time in my life where a lot of it was
already figured out. But when you have gone through it,
(03:03):
the emotional processing, taking us along for the ride, and
now seeing you here, it's just incredible. I think it
gives people hope. Is there anything that you would caution
somebody from doing in terms of using Instagram to heal
as somebody who did do it to heal. Were there
any moments where showing up publicly wasn't the best thing
(03:26):
for you? Yeah, that's an interesting question. I don't think
I've ever been asked that before. I mean, you know,
you're in a really vulnerable, delicate place, obviously, again, it
can't speak for everyone, but I definitely was, you know,
and sometimes things can really trigger you or set you
off that you know, maybe for someone that doesn't have
issues with food, you know wouldn't be affected. And I
(03:49):
do get lots, not lots, but I've gotten a few
messages from people saying, you know, hey, this this post
that you shared really triggered me. And you know, I
know you've talked about this before and it's sort of
an interesting topic, but it's you know, really I say
this with love, but you know, that's actually a great
indicator that you know there's something there you need to
work on. And you know, if I were to hear
(04:10):
that in a place where I felt very triggered, I
would be you know, very reactive and defensive. And you know,
and obviously it's nuanced it. I never try to share
anything that will intentionally trigger someone or you know, irritate
them or cause them harm. But if you're getting triggered
by you know, something that's sort of just me sharing
my experience or you know, it's a good again, a
good check engine light for you to say, Okay, this
(04:33):
is something that you know, maybe I need to work
on or I need to dig deeper with a therapist
on because there were things for me during my healing
journey where I was still following people that, in hindsight
were super disordered and I didn't see it at the time.
So I would say, you know, the only caution that
I would really give people is, you know, be really
cognizant of who you're following and the content that you're consuming,
(04:56):
because I felt like there was this gray area in
my recovery where I was still you know, a little disordered,
but I was really trying hard to repair my relationship
with food, and you know, follow accounts that were you know,
body neutral and body positive and you know, talked about
food freedom counts like yours, you know, and so I
was sort of getting fed two narratives, and I was
(05:18):
just feeling very overwhelmed and confused, you know, because I'd
be scrolling my feet and it would be you know,
someone talking about counting you know, their car their net
carbs and whatever, and then I would come across someone
that's like, you know, eat all the carbs, and I
was just like, what do I do? You know? And
both women are you know, looking vibrant and healthy and
in love with their bodies, and I just didn't know
(05:38):
where I fit in, and I didn't know which one
was like my people, you know, because you're trying to
kind of fit yourself into a tribe. So I would
say it can be very overwhelming and confusing. And so
I think a good tip that I wish I would
have learned is, you know, taking time off social media
during some of those moments. And you're really good at
least about taking social media detoxes. I need to get
(06:00):
better at it, but sometimes, you know, your best evolution
and your best growth happens offline. Actually most of it,
I'm sure. And although I am proud that there were
moments where, you know, I remember doing a post after
I you know, really moments after I binged almost an
entire jar of peanut butter, and I took a selfie
and I was in my kitchen and I was feeling
(06:20):
so just so much, so many a mix of feelings
because it was a few, you know, maybe like a
year nine months to a year into really my you know,
deep recovery journey, and I almost felt like, you know,
I was past this, Like it was the first binge
I had had in about nine months to a year
and I was really stressed with a business and I
had a lot going on, and I just I mean,
(06:43):
I snapped and I just binged, and I don't know
what overcame me, but I had this feeling to just
take a selfie of myself and post it immediately to
my feed with just like really a brain dump of
what I was feeling and thinking. And I've never received
so many messages and you know and sweet just comments
and you know, people reaching out to me and just
(07:03):
number one, you know, just resonating and feeling have you know,
they've been there, but also just really acknowledging me for
sharing in that moment, just so vulnerably because it's so
easy to look back, as you were saying, and talk
about things that happened in the past. You know, it's
so much easier, so much less uh less emotionally taxing.
(07:24):
But at the same time, you know, I am proud
of myself for doing that in the moment. But again
I think, yeah, if I were to give one tip,
it would be, you know, don't try to do too
much like because it's hard. It's a lot to process,
you know, and then also to do that publicly it's
even harder. So I would have told myself just you know,
take a break when you need it and um, you know,
give yourself time to just process those feelings and what
(07:47):
you're going through. And I think you bring up a
few points here that I just want to highlight. One
that it's not linear. So you could go nine months
without a binge and then you have a binge doesn't
mean that you're back to square one. Number two is
the time it takes. You know, we're talking about your recovery.
Most people are probably thinking it's a snap of the finger,
but you said nine months into your recovery, putting in
(08:07):
that work. And then I think most of all, you've
brought up in the last episode a few times that
you were working with a professional or some sort of
mental health or nutrition professional, which really highlights that Instagram
wasn't your only way to heel and I think that's important.
And now that you're like a little bit farther along,
I believe I don't know if you'd say that, but
(08:27):
like I said in the beginning, you have an energy
to you that is confident in many different areas of
your life. You're fulfilled in different ways. It seems the
one thing I would caution people from doing that I've
seen is sharing vulnerably for validation. You're you're probably five
or six years younger than me, so we have different
relationships to our stories and social media. But even like
(08:49):
five or six below you, like the college girls or
women right out of college, they grew up with social
media so forefront and with vulnerability as a trend. I
worry about the validation. So sharing something like your peanut
butter post, which happened to really land with a lot
of people. They're gonna be some days where you post
something vulnerably and it's healing for you. But when you
(09:12):
don't get the likes or the comment through the door,
you know, are you like, oh my gosh, I shouldn't
have shared that, because then the share wasn't for healing. Totally. Yeah,
I love that you brought that up because it's so true,
and I almost feel like I've trained myself expecting that
and it's been you know, it's scary even now when
I share something and I feel like now I'm kind
(09:33):
of sharing more like business entrepreneurs stuff, I don't really
get sweaty before I post, you know, because I'm sharing
something like really intense about my recovery like I used to,
but I would get really nervous, and then it was
almost like this calming effect of seeing the validation and
the comments and the likes rolling in and people being like, oh,
I see you girl. You know, oh I've been there,
and it was like okay, like I neede the right decision,
(09:56):
sort of just like confirming that, you know, again that
pad on the back of Okay, what I did was
the right move. You know, you're you know other people,
and then there you're not weird because of course there's
always that little like oh my gosh, like you know,
I'm I going to be the only one who's done this,
and people are gonna be like, well, that's weird, you know,
which of course it isn't, because again, like we've all
struggled with stuff like this. But at the same time, yeah,
(10:17):
I think you're so right. There is that that negative
or dark side to you know, vulnerability becoming a trend.
But I would argue, you know, I don't mind it,
even if there's people out there that you know, are
doing it for the validation I suppose, you know, I
think it's just the net is so positive and helpful
for people Like if I was, you know, in high
(10:38):
school or even starting college and I had the social
media I guess community or network that I have today,
I would have felt so much better about my body.
And I will say the downside really is it's only
on you, right, So if you're sharing something and you're
being vulnerable for the sake of validation, you know, it's
really only harming I guess you. But to other people,
(11:00):
they see that vulnerability and you're like, wow, you know,
I didn't like if I especially if I see celebrity,
someone who in the public eye seems very you know,
like they have their ship together and they share something.
You know, even if I read that now, I'm like, okay, cool,
you know, it's like stars are just like us. Like
it kind of makes me feel better in a weird way.
So yeah, I see both sides, but I think overall,
I think it could be a positive thing too for
(11:21):
younger women. I love that. So Eric is your boyfriend,
your co founder, your roommate, slam Daddy. You're slam Daddy
really everything, and he has been by your side through
this journey. The other day, you posted something that was
not something I actually have ever experienced, but It made
(11:41):
me really think, and you shared that you learned that
your significant other, Eric was only seven pounds heavier than
you are. Tell us about that story and what it
did for you and how you handled it. Yeah, yeah,
so this was I would say, there's moments in your
recovery that kind of shake you to your core and
(12:02):
challenge everything that you know you have worked hard towards.
This was definitely one of those times. The other one
was when COVID was happening and I felt like the
world was crumbling around me and I started grasping for
control and food. But that's a story from that. But yes,
this happened. So you know, I started working with a
personal trainer recently because, you know, working in the kitchen,
(12:24):
contrary to what a lot of people probably assume, it's
not just rainbows and daisies and making fun granola all day.
It's a lot of heavy lifting and oats and flax
and you know, heavy bags. And luckily, now you know,
we've built our team, so I don't have to do
that anymore. But at the beginning, when we first moved
to Philly, you know, February March, it was a lot
and I was exhausted, and you know, I felt really weak,
(12:46):
and I'm you know, I was the only woman in there.
I really wanted to like pull my weight, so to speak.
So I was like, you know, I'm going to hire
a personal trainer, see her a couple of days a week,
see how it goes. See if I can get you know,
build some biceps on these SpongeBob arms. And so the
first appointment with her, you know, she sort of takes
your beginning measurements, which at first, you know, I kind
of was like I shouldn't. I shouldn't do this right,
(13:08):
like it could be triggering for me. But I was like,
you know, I just met her, didn't really want to
you know, rock the boat. And so I'm like, okay, fine,
And then I was like, again, I shouldn't look at
the number. I shouldn't look the number. But I really
have gotten to a place where and I've talked about
this before, you know, scale neutrality, and again this is
I feel like, sort of a hot topic where not
(13:29):
everyone you know can agree on this, but I really,
you know, I got to this place in my recovery
where I was like, you know, I don't want to
feel like I'm chained or you know, like the scale
owns me, Like I want to get to this place
where I can read the number and feel emotionally neutral, right,
Like I want to get to this place where it
doesn't ruin my entire day, sort of like if someone
has a fear of spiders, you know, and it's like
(13:51):
exposure therapy. So there was a point in my recovery,
you know, where I was weighing myself and it helped
a lot, you know, contrary to what a lot of
people believe, it did help me a lot because I
was like, wow, you know, I saw the number fluctuated
up and down depending on my cycle, depending on how
much water I drank, and it became less and less significant.
It didn't become this big, scary number, and it finally
(14:13):
became you know, like it was just my height. It
was just you know, my shoe s eye something about me.
And I know that it's probably you know, not for everyone,
and it depends where you are in your recovery. But then,
you know, a lot of time passed where I just
became indifferent to weighing myself because it didn't make a difference,
you know, my worth or who I am, and I
just kind of forgot about it, honestly, that I had
(14:34):
a scale. So long story short, you know, the trainer
weighs me and Eric mentioned something when we got home,
and I'm not gonna, you know, obviously say numbers for anyone,
but he was like, oh, wow, you know I've lost
weight recently, you know, I weigh X. And then I
was like, I'm like, wait, say did you just say
a type of like come again? And it was only
(14:55):
seven pounds more than me. And to give you guys context,
Eric is probably six to I don't know, six two
or sixth three. He kind of slouches so and I'm
like five four, so you know, a pretty big height difference.
And he's always been very like long and lanky, you know,
and so it was not not really a surprise, but
I guess just hearing that number it just really rocked me.
And so I decided to talk about it because I
(15:16):
recently had someone on my podcast, Kayla Nielsen, who you know,
she's lesbian. She's dating or actually just engaged to a woman,
and that's really common. She was telling me in the
LGBT community, where you know, comparing your body to your
partner's body because it's two women right, it's like comparing
you know, when you have two sisters or twins, and
it's very common. And that was something I had never
(15:38):
thought of as a straight woman. So that was really interesting.
It started getting me thinking about it. But then also
just this you know notion and sort of this you know,
societal norm of having your partner, your you know, your husband,
your male slam daddy be much bigger and stronger and
you know, way more than you. And as the woman,
you're supposed to be small and petite and you know, palatable,
(16:00):
and it just yeah, I just really got me thinking,
and so I want to talk about it, and um,
you know, I'm not gonna lie. It's still was something
that affected me. And again it was one of those
moments that it rocked me and I was kind of
like got it. Just it made me check myself and
it really made me. I mean immediately I had those
thoughts of like, wow, you know, I really let myself go.
You know, I need to start cleaning up my diet.
(16:21):
Like all of those old thoughts patterns were just sort
of you know, re emerging. And luckily, because of the
years of you know, just self work and working with professionals,
I you know, have the opportunity to really hear those
thoughts and just hear them for what they are, their thoughts.
They're not the truth. And then I was able to
separate myself from them and be like, Okay, I can
choose to follow these thoughts, but I know where it's
(16:42):
going to lead me. It's going to lead me into
a downward spiral. It's going to lead me into disordered
patterns and just a place where I've been before and
I don't want to go back to. So I'm going
to choose to follow other thoughts, you know, thoughts where
my weight doesn't determine my worth. I am lovable exactly
how I am. Who says that that Eric? You know,
it's not okay if Eric weighs the same as me,
(17:03):
or if I weigh more than Eric. Um. And when
I talked about it, I had a lot of women
commenting that were like, wow, you know, thank you, Like
I actually weigh more than my husband or my partner.
And I felt very shameful about it for a really
long time. So yeah, that's kind of just I mean
what I want to say about that, But it was just, yeah,
something I was on my mind, and something that I
guess I didn't really realize was still you know, some
(17:24):
stuff that was coming up for me. I just think
it was so so interesting and working with people over
the years, there's always this comparison with the partner thing
that comes up, whether the partner eats more or eats less.
You know, that's a big one too. Have has that
come up for you? Oh yeah, oh my god, I
mean so yes, Like historically, it's always been something that
(17:47):
I've had to work on. I mean, for example, the
first trip that Eric and I went on together when
we first started dating, we went to Paris, City of Food,
and you know, I eat every few hours honestly, and
he's the type of guy that you know, talk about
people who forget to eat. Like even we're at the
office now and he's like, oh, it's four or forty five,
(18:07):
you know, haven't had lunch yet, and I'm like really,
I'm like about I'm ready for dinner. I've already had
multiple meals. But we were on our first you know,
the occasion together, and I remember just feeling so faint
because I would I felt so insecure about how much
more frequently I was eating than him because we had
just started dating. You know, we weren't comfortable with each
other yet, and so I was like and he just
(18:28):
you know, kept on chugging along, didn't say anything about
wanting to get food, which just goes to show again
just my fear of eating in front of other people
and just being afraid to to share my needs, my
inherentce like human needs. You know. It's like saying that
you're afraid to go to the bathroom, like I was
afraid to be like, hey, you know, you don't want
to grab something to eat, I'm getting a little hungry,
(18:48):
Like that would have been terrifying for me. So rather,
I just discarded my you know, primal instincts and my
hunger signals and I just tried to chug on through
like him and work. You know, in Paris, you're walking
all over the place. We were sightseeing and burnt, you know,
expending a lot of energy. And then you know, I
just got really itchy, bitchy and twitchy, like I say,
(19:10):
and I snapped at him for something and he was like,
are you okay? And I was like, I'm just so hungry,
like you know, and of course it's like ship hit
the fan because I didn't say anything and I was like,
I can't believe you're not hungry, Like it's been you know,
we've been walking around for eight hours, Like how are
you not hungry? He's like, I don't know, Like sorry,
I don't know. I'm just not hungry yet. And he
was like, do we want to go get something to eat?
And I was like yes, Like I'm so hungry. He
(19:32):
was like, okay, why don't you say anything? And so
it just was it's so comical now, but at the time,
it really was a huge thing. And even since then,
you know, and I've gotten to this place now where
it doesn't face me at all, Lisa, and I'm so
I'm proud of myself for getting to that point because
I think, you know, for someone who's in a disordered place,
it's difficult. A relationship is difficult in any you know,
(19:52):
any way that you you put it. Sometimes some people
have partners who are eating much more than them, and
that's challenging, but for me, it was the opposite. And
so I felt like, you know, I was trying to
you know, relax around food and eat more, but here
my partner was you know, not eating, and I felt
like it was this you know, he was like waving
it in front of my face. So yeah, so it's
been you know, it's been a learning journey for sure,
(20:14):
but I think the biggest thing and Eric is so logical.
He was like, you know, I told him about this
and I was like, I finally got to the point.
We've been dating for almost eight years and this was
only like a year or two ago, and I told him.
I was like, this really affects me, like that you
go all day without eating. I feel really insecure about it,
Like I'm the woman I'm supposed to be dainty, you know,
what the hell is up? Like why are you the
(20:35):
one who's not eating? And he was just so he's
so logical. He's a bioengineer, you know, just classic engineer brain.
And he was like, Ali, why does what I eat
affects how you feel? Or why does what I eat
effect when you eat? Like we're two different people, just
so simply, you know. And I'm like wrapped up in
my emotion and the story around it, and I was like, God,
you're so right. But yeah, so it's been a journey.
(20:57):
I think, you know, I'm a much better place now.
But it is a process, and it's so if you're
out there and that's you right now, Like you're not alone,
and I think just as much as you can separating
and just you know, listening to the Eric voice in
your mind and be like, what my partner eats has
nothing to do with you know, we're two different people,
we have different needs, all that good stuff. I love that,
(21:18):
and I think that's great advice. And I love how
he really just functions as a mirror for you, you know,
like you threw it at him and he untangled it
for you, and it was like this, my eating is
not actually a problem. That is your problem, you know,
but it was kind of helpful because it helps you
check yourself rather than you know, him contribute in any
(21:39):
negative way, which sometimes partners don't know how to react
or they try to respond in a way that's helpful,
but it could actually be worse to try and help you.
But you just straight up was like, this is my body.
I got this, your body, you got this, and kind
of created autonomy between the two again. So that's that's amazing. Totally. Well,
we loved having you in out way for two episodes.
(22:01):
If you missed the first episode, we talked all about
Ali's eating or binge, eating, eating from the trash some
of those more shameful moments that she's happy to share
because she knows that it will help other people. And
thanks for shining your light on the world, whether it's
talking about your journey or creating delicious granola butter. We're
just so lucky to have you. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah,
(22:24):
I was just awesome. And um, I hope it helps
at least one person, well for sure. Thanks everyone,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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