June 5, 2021 • 32 mins
Eating from the trash, using instagram to heal, overcoming “carbo-phobia”, menstruation restoration, and more.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out the outway everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and I will always out way. If you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll some
love to the poop by get there, Let's say good
day and time did you and die out? Welcome back
to Outweigh today. It's Lisa Amy and we're joined by
our amazing guest, Ali Bonner, who is an influencer, a
food blogger turned food manufacturer. She's got her own brand
(00:47):
of a Queen and Coke granola butter, and she also
hosts a podcast that you'll want to check out called
The Alley Cast, where she talks all about the stuff
we talk about here, so body image, food relationships, and
even a of entrepreneurial ship stuff which I really love
your podcast, so everyone I know here will love it too.
Thanks for being here. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here,
(01:09):
and I mean, as you know, I'm a total open book,
so happy to chat entrepreneur side, body image stuff and
you've just been such an inspiration for me too on
all things body image, because as you know, it's just
such a journey, so excited to dive right in. Yeah,
it's it's a journey. And you've been very forthcoming with
your Instagram account to really share the struggle as you
(01:33):
went through it and as you make your way through it.
I feel like the thickness of it, you're kind of past.
But what inspired you to start sharing on Instagram? I
think similar to probably when you started to you know,
I didn't even know that, you know, being an influencer
was really a thing, to be honest, when I started,
I really use Instagram as you know, sort of a
healing modality and a healing platform for me that I
(01:55):
didn't really expect that to happen. So when I started posting,
I really was in the depths of my orthorexia. So
I was really obsessed with, you know, eating perfectly clean
all the time. Um I had just graduated my undergrad
I was a nutrition student, so you know, I really
was in this dark place with food and my body,
and you know, really started posting on Instagram because I
(02:17):
was using it as a way to hold me accountable
for you know, what I was eating. So it started
from a really negative, sort of fear based place, and
then as it progressed and as my relationship with food
sort of evolved, I started to use it more and
more in tandem with, you know, working with my nutritional
therapist as a way to play with my food again.
So I, you know, for so long, was so terrified
(02:38):
of food and ridgid around it, and so I really
used it as you know, sort of an art form
in a way. I was doing these like crazy over
the top, you know, drippy smoothies which are just completely
unrealistic in hindsight, and you know, took hours in the kitchen,
but it really was a great starting point for me
to you know, bring a little fun, bring a little
play back into what I was eating, and just kind
(02:59):
of loosen up and not be so rigid around it.
It sounds to me like it's therapeutic for you. Yeah,
it totally was. And I just actually talked about this
on my page yesterday. But I was restricting myself, you know,
in all of the ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, and so
I remember being you know, in high school and I
was just scrolling food blogs and just looking at these
(03:19):
like decadent, you know, dessert recipes because I wouldn't allow
myself to consume them, and so I would just for
hours late at night, you know, after my parents would
go to bed, I would just read food blogs, look
at these amazing, you know, mouth watering pictures, and so
at that time, you know, it wasn't healthy for me.
But then as I sort of started to heal my
relationship with food, you know, it did become sort of
(03:39):
therapeutic and yeah, just sort of an outlet. This is
so interesting because we know this anecdotally through stories like yours,
but also from research. One of the earliest studies on
starvation looked at what happens to the mind when people
are starving, and it was meant to understand what was
going to happen when people returned back from I think
(04:01):
it was World War two, it could have been World
War One anyway. The research basically found that when the
men were there was a men were the population, but
when they were calorically restricted, everything that they talked about
and and could think about was all about food. So
they were they became obsessed with cooking, with talking about recipes,
(04:21):
and it basically just took over their life and so
we don't realize when we're restricting how food becomes the
fixation from a place of survival. But I think that's
something that we hear all the time, that you can
be thinking about food all the time, and that that
could be a sign of disordered eating. Absolutely, yeah, And
(04:42):
for me it was. You know, that's it's such a
great point because I really, you know, growing up, I
liked food, you know, but I wasn't someone who was
a huge foodie, you know. I was kind of just
like eat to live type of thing. And it was
like as soon as I started restricting, I mean that
is when I just I looked at my friends and
I was like, how and you guys not think about
food all the time. And that's why I talked about
(05:02):
my page too. I'm like, I was just in awe
of people that you know, forgot to eat or just
you know, it slipped their mind, because it really was
on my mind. Like as I was eating breakfast, I
was planning and calculating and you know, just preparing what
I was going to have for lunch, which just is
the most exhausting thing ever. And that's part of the
reason why I decided to really embark on you know,
(05:25):
healing my relationship with food because I was just so over,
you know, thinking about all the gutta time. So, Ali,
I actually pulled up this post on your Instagram and
I want to read it because I think it's pretty impactful.
And if people want to follow you, your alley A
L I, B O N A R. So that's where
they can find you there. And here's what you put up.
(05:47):
And it was a post says, what percentage of your
day do you spend thinking about food? A few years ago,
I would have answered upwards of to while I was
eating breakfast, I was planning lunch, while I was out
to dinner, I was calculating how many calories are in
my meal? Instead of who I was with At night,
I would scroll through food Instagram accounts and watch Food
Network for hours on end. Why because I was restricting emotionally, mentally,
(06:10):
and physically, and so food occupied my every waking thought.
I was in all of those who quote forgot to eat?
How could someone go their day without food crossing their mind?
Until the other day, when I was so engrossed in
work that I almost forgot to eat lunch, I realized,
holy shit, I'm that person. This isn't to glamorize for
getting to eat, but to highlight that once I stopped
(06:32):
restricting and started to heal my relationship with food, it
was no longer the main character. I still love food,
I look forward to meals and enjoy every goddamn fight,
but food is a supporting role in my life rather
than the main event. So I just wanted to read
through that because I thought it was It's such a
great sentiment to exactly what we experience when we restrict
(06:52):
and then end up on a binge or obsess or
what we like to talk about on the podcast here
is your world ends up so small? Absolutely yeah. And
the biggest thing too, you know that I really want
to make a point to talk about and I think, Lisa,
you do a great job of sharing about this is
just that, you know, disordered eating as a spectrum, like
I think, for so long, I didn't reach out for
(07:12):
help because you know, even though I had these warning signs,
these check engine lights, you know, I was, I was
thinking about food seven I really looked, you know, physically,
the same way that I do today, And so I
always thought, you know, people who have eating disorders are
those who are frail and underweight and sort of that stereotypical,
you know, anorexic looking person and what I read, and
(07:35):
I also was like, I'm not throwing up my food,
you know, so I'm not believing and so I really
didn't feel like I fit into any of these boxes.
And so part of it, really, you know, what prevented
me from getting help was because I didn't feel like
I had a problem. And in hindsight, you know, thinking
about food and ninety percent at the time is a problem.
So yeah, so I just I wanted to, you know,
reiterate that because that's something that again, Lisa, I think
(07:57):
you do a great job of talking about, is just
that you know, disordered eating the spectrum first of all,
and also it doesn't have a look or an appearance.
You know, any anybody can struggle with those thoughts in
that relationship with food. And I love that you made
the important nuance to not glamorize forgetting to eat. And
it's an important one because I feel like I've said
stuff on my Instagram similarly, and some people will call
(08:21):
out things like if I said I didn't finish all
my food and or um, I forgot to eat, something
like that, and it's a good distinction to explain that
that's a rare occurrence when you heal your relationship to food.
But it's so foreign to where you came from, where
every waking thought was stolen from your purpose and your
passion and given towards food. And so when your knee
(08:45):
deep in a project that you're so passionate about and
you forget to eat once in a while, right, you're
really highlighting something very different than forgetting to eat. And
I think it was really responsible of you to include
that note in your Instagram caption. Yeah, no, and that's huge.
I mean, I want to be very crystal clear, like
(09:06):
that was I never forget to eat. I mean, it
was just like you said, it was one of those
moments where I was like, I have come so far
with my relationship with food that you know, I'm not anticipating,
I'm not counting down the minutes until my next meal.
And yeah, you're so right. I mean, I think it's
obviously hard to to nuance that in an Instagram caption,
but I didn't. Making those little points is important because
(09:28):
you know, it's easy to just, you know, subconsciously even
glamorize it too. When you're kind of recovering. You've done
a really good job on your Instagram of highlighting some
of the parts of our stories that I think we
all have these really shameful moments that I don't think
we mean to not talk about. But I think some
of my moments, at least I have subconsciously repressed. And
(09:52):
one of them that you talk about that I think
really highlights how crazy it can get up in your
brain when these things are going on, is how you
would eat food out of the trash. And that's not
something sexy to talk about. It's a dark place to go.
Why did that happen to you? And what's it like
(10:13):
for you to share that? First of all, I mean,
it's just wild that I'm at the place now. And again,
you know, I don't I talked about this a lot,
like I don't say this to brag or anything, but
just to give people hope, because I truly was at
the place where I was like, I'm going to struggle
with this forever. Like I looked at you know, people
that had normal relationships with food quote unquote normal just
(10:34):
I guess, non emotional, you know, not thinking about it
all the time. And I was just I didn't feel
like I could ever get to a normal place with
food and talking about the things that I share today.
Years ago, I would have been just so shameful, so
filled with shame, so filled with guilt and embarrassment and regret.
And of course, whenever you share something a little bit vulnerable,
(10:55):
you sort of have that, you know, vulnerability hangover for
a little bit. But really I've never regret add it
sharing moments like that because the second that I do,
I mean just the outpouring not only of just support,
but people that have also done that and said, you know,
holy sh it, Like I thought I was the only
person that had done that, and I felt so shameful
(11:15):
about it, and just hearing that someone else has done
that it makes me feel seen and not alone, because
I think a big issue with you know, disordered eating
is it's such an isolating thing, like when you're going
through it, you're not you know, running gallivanting throughout the streets,
you know, telling people that you're struggling with food, like
you really will do everything to try and hide it.
So I just wanted to preface it with that. But
(11:36):
you know the reason I really struggled with it, and
The reason I decided to share about it was because
I thought, you know, it was the most embarrassing and
shameful moment of probably my entire life. And so I thought,
you know, if I can share this on the internet
with complete strangers and you know, not that I have
millions of followers, but the people who follow me, then
(11:56):
it was almost sort of like ripping off a band
aid and you know, what else could I talk about?
And what you know, I almost wanted to create the
space for other people to share their vulnerabilities and you know,
their most shameful moments and just normalize it and make
it okay, because you know, at the end of the day,
we're all human and we all go through this stuff.
So yeah, I mean to tell a little backstory about
why it happened, um or you know, one of the
(12:19):
moments when it happened. So again, you know, I was
restricting not only emotionally, physically, mentally, just every aspect of
my relationship with food really, and so you know, oftentimes
I would eat a lot in secret. I think part
of it was, you know, I was a people pleaser,
and I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted
to appear like I had my ship together again. I
(12:40):
was studying nutrition, you know for my undergrad so everyone
sort of um viewed me as just this really healthy,
you know eater. Oh Ali, she eats salads all the
time because she's a nutrition student, so what she does.
So when I would eat something you know that was
quote unquote un unhealthy or not clean, you know, in
my mind, I always did and see scrit And at
(13:00):
the time, I was living in a storty house, you know,
in college, so I'm just constantly surrounded by other women,
which was you know, a recipe for disaster probably. And
I remember one time, you know, my roommate at the
time walked in and I don't know if you remember
those quest bars, but like quest bars were something where
I felt like it was safe enough quote unquote safe
enough for me to eat. But they sort of tasted
(13:21):
a little decadent, which is just so crazy thing about
it now, because it's like I would never go for
a quest bar when I was looking for something decadent,
and I got a box, like a variety pack of
all these different flavors, and you know, I opened one
and I thought, oh, I'll just have one, you know,
and it tasted so good. So then I had another one,
and then I had another one, and I just was
taking bites out of all of these different quest bars,
(13:44):
and I thought my roommate was at you know, her
lecture some class, and she, I guess, got out earlier,
got canceled, and she walked in on me in the
middle of eating all of these bars, and there was
rappers everywhere, and it was I mean the most like
just embarrassing moment of you know, to that point of
my life, because anyone who's ever binged or you know,
(14:05):
eaten in secret knows that just someone walking in on
them is the worst. And of course she's so aloof
you know, she had like a totally easy, breezy relationship
with food, so she was just like, oh wow, like
Ali's hungry, you know, guess you know, she's having a snack.
But I was just so mortified, and I like shoved
them all, you know, into the trash can in our
little room under the bed wherever I could, and you know,
(14:25):
when she went to the bathroom and then later, you know,
when she went out with friends or went out to dinner,
I had all of these different you know bars sitting
in the trash and I looked at them, and you know,
this wasn't like our personal trash can. It was the communal,
you know, in the hallway trash can. And I was like, well,
it's just kind of like sitting on top, you know,
like it's fine. And then the other part of me
was like, like, oh my god, are you kidding, Like
(14:47):
you're not going to take that out of the trash
because there was you know, if you didn't been in
there for a couple of hours. And then you know,
it was kind of late, everyone had kind of gone
to bed, maybe like eleven PM. And I was like, screw,
you know, and I grabbed it and I kind of
like wiped it off and I started eating it. And
the feeling of just you know, so much, so much
(15:09):
feeling right like there was this urgency about having to
eat it before anyone else caught me. There was this
shame of you know, I can't believe I'm doing this
sort of a little endorphin rush of like getting away
with something. So it was just a very confusing blend
of emotions. And then of course I never told anyone
until I started talking about it openly to strangers on
(15:29):
the internet. But yeah, I mean I think I just
you know, for anyone listening who number one has done that, like,
you're not alone clearly. And also I think you know,
it's a good time for you to just reflect and
you know, realize that something is going on. And I think,
you know, had I had the skills and the tools
to deal with, you know, my issues with food or
(15:49):
just know that you know, this wasn't a normal occurrence
that people you know who don't restrict food in other
ways typically eat things out of the trash. Then it
would have been a good check engine light for me
to you know, reach out to someone a therapist or
a loved one. But at the time I just felt
really shameful about it. Okay, well, in light of you
sharing that story, I'll just offer some of our listeners
comfort and that I have eaten out of the trash
(16:12):
as well, and so I think that that is a
common cycle that can happen. But again, yes, it's so
isolating and there's so much shame. I would feel my
lowest of lows. I had a binge and purge relationship,
like purging with exercise or you know, choosing to throw up,
and I felt like these are my lowest of lows
(16:33):
private moments that no one will ever know about because
I don't want them to know. I don't want anybody
to picture me doing any of these activities. But I
appreciate you sharing that story. And and yeah, I think
the reason why we talk and why we share is
so that people don't feel alone, and so they can
know that there is hope because you are offering them
(16:55):
that hope by showing them, Hey, I'm to the other side.
It took a lot of work to get where we are.
Like if anybody's listening right now and maybe they just
had an episode this morning or last night and you're
kind of just thinking you're you're lost and you don't
know what your your next move is. I just hope
that they feel encouraged that there is hope and that
(17:16):
there is another way and you don't have to be
obsessed with the food and you don't have to restrict
and you don't have to eat out of the trash.
There is another way. And that's why Lisa and I
started out wigh and Lisa has been a huge encouragement
to me as well, and so I'm excited to start
following you to Ali just because I love everything that
you've shared so far, adding another important perspective as to
(17:38):
how powerful that share is. You also help somebody who,
like you didn't know and I didn't know in my
low moment, and Amy, you didn't know in your low
moment that that was as you called it, Ali, that
check engine light a warning sign that you need help.
And so for the listener that may not have experienced
something like that yet, it's now on their radar of
(18:00):
if that happens, the check engine light is on, You're
not broken, but there's something to assess. As well as
for the listener that listens because they have a daughter
or a son, or a sister or a brother, and
when they see this behavior, instead of being like, oh,
what the heck was that she just I just caught
her him eating from the trash, it's like, okay, this
(18:20):
is telling me that there's something beneath the behavior that
needs to be examined totally. Yeah, and separating it from
it's not I love that. Yeah, it's it's not you
that's broken. You know, it's not something that's wrong with you.
Because I really felt that so deep in my core
that I was messed up, you know, I was like,
there's something so wrong with me, and it really scared me, right,
(18:42):
but it's not, It's just the behavior that you're doing
is like you said, yeah, it's a great check engine
light or just you know a red flag that you
know something is just a little off, and you know,
you easily can kind of get back to baseline and
heal that relationship with food. Well, let's talk about carbophobia
and you're healing from that. I'll try and keep it short,
but essentially, I mean for a very long time, I
(19:04):
was totally carbophobic. So I mean I would even opt
you know, as I mentioned, I struggled with orthorexia, which
I'm sure your listeners know is just obsession with you know,
the purity of a food or just how clean it
is or the ingredients. Um. And so for me, carbs
were a big no note for a long time, and
I really would even opt for these massive salads that
were just much bigger than you know, my body needed
(19:27):
at the time, but I would opt for them instead
of just you know, a smaller kind of normal or
you know, a size sandwich that my body you know,
actually needed, just because I was so terrified of the carbs.
So I was always sort of you know, picking food
choices based on the carb content, and that really stuck
with me for a long time. Even well into my recovery,
where you know, I started to really relax around food
(19:49):
and eat you know, higher quantity of food, I still
really struggled with this, you know, carb phobia. And it
wasn't until I started, you know, realizing I haven't gotten
my period in years and I always had had an
irregular period. Um, I have hashimotos. So I feel like,
you know, I was only diagnosed a few years ago.
But I actually just recently talked to my mom on
(20:11):
the phone the other day and she was sort of
telling me, you know, I always had cold, very cold,
clammy hands and feet. I had you know, really up
and down blood sugar. I would get shaky, and I
feel like I've had it for a really long time,
just undiagnosed. So I think that also contributed to not
having a period. But you know, I realized I hadn't
had it for a couple of years. This is not okay,
And you know, I'm not ready to have kids right
(20:32):
this moment, but I want the option hopefully you know,
down the line. And so I really and obviously not
having a period is you know, a huge red flag.
And so I was working with my doctor and she
really recommended just i mean, ramping up the carbs. And
I talked about this, you know, I know, tracking is
sort of a topic that's debated but and some people, um,
(20:53):
you know, don't really obviously use it. But for me,
it was really helpful just to get a sense of,
you know, how many carbs in my actually consuming. And
I was vastly under consuming carbs because just for so
long I had really you know, it become a pattern
of mine just to sort of, oh, I'll go for
the you know, the avocado and the salmon and veggies,
and it was just sort of in my patterns in
(21:14):
my habits. And so as I started to be more
you know, intentional about adding carbs into every single meal
and really you know, adding those back in I mean
number one, I started feeling so much better. Just for
my workouts, I felt, you know, my recovery time was shorter,
and I just overall felt more balanced. You know. I
felt like I still had this part of me that
(21:35):
was always sort of craving you know, a little sweet
thing at the end of every meal, or I was
always thinking about dessert or thinking about at you know,
ending my meal with something a little sweet, and I
just felt like, you know, not that there's anything wrong
with dessert, but part of it, you know, it was
just this lack, like my soul wasn't being fulfilled, you know,
and it wasn't being complete by my meals. And so
(21:56):
when I started to add that carb source back into
my meals, I really felt like, Okay, wow, you know,
my soul feels nourished, I feel kind of calm and
my complete with my meals. So that was huge. I
got my period back within I mean just a few
months of adding carbs back into my diet, which was insane.
Obviously I was, you know, doing some other supplements and everything,
(22:17):
working with my doctor, but it was a huge thing
for me. And it's real, I think, you know, with
Keto and a lot of these diets on the rise,
people really have a deep rooted carb fear. So you know,
if you're listening and you have that, like number one,
you're not alone, but number two, you know, there's nothing
to be afraid of because only you know, you can
only feel better, or I did at least, So yeah,
(22:38):
I mean, it was real, but I'm so glad that
I'm sort of I've added them back in at this point.
I'm so glad that you have too. I'm so glad
that you got your period back, and just really showing
the power of food. And I love how you brought
up that tracking food. You said, you know, I feel
like you're a little nervous just to even say it,
But I think there's a huge difference between tracking your
(23:00):
food to try and limit your intake and stay between
a arbitrary green light number, amount, whatever it is, versus
using it as a tool to honestly look at what
you're consuming and not use it to manipulate, especially when
(23:20):
working with a professional that can help you, um, really
take inventory. I know you've got a nutrition background, so
maybe you didn't need one, but for other people listening,
to really have somebody take a look at what you're
actually eating and recognize that there's a deficit of carb, protein,
fat might explain why you don't have your period, why
your blood sugars up and down, why you have headaches,
(23:42):
brain fog, you know, all these different things. So not
to say that you should start tracking to anybody listening,
but to say that there's a time and a place
for that as well as tracking what you're eating, not
necessarily the stripped down calories, protein, fat, carbs from it.
Let the professional do that part exactly. Yeah, and there's again,
(24:04):
I mean, I'm sure so many different ways to skin
a cat, right, Like, I'm sure you could, you know,
work on, oh, adding a handful of keen to your
next meal or whatever. But for me, I'm just such
a numbers person that I know for some people that
could be triggering, but for me, it was like, okay,
I you know, I saw the number of cards that
I was eating and my doctor, you know, my nutritions
(24:24):
was like, yo, you're gonna have to hit this number.
And I was like, all right, I'm very gold oriented,
so I was like, let's do it. And so it
kind of gamified it for me, which was really great.
And then once I got in the habit of adding
sweet potatoes, adding whatever, you know, more carb sources to
each meal, then it became more habitual and it just
it lessened the fear around it as well. Yeah, you
(24:44):
were headed in the right direction with the numbers, like
you weren't going the wrong way. So I think that
is that is a good distinction to make their Can
we quickly, just talk about you launching into your own
food company and what that looked like for you. Yeah. So,
I mean, really the genesis of Queen of Granola Butter
(25:04):
came from my eating disorder recovery. So, you know, for
a long time, as I mentioned, I restricted not only
you know, certain foods, but entire food groups as we
mentioned with carbs, um. But a big one that I
I strangely was really terrified of for a long time
was nuts and nut butters just because you know, of
the quote unquote calories and they were so dense and
(25:25):
all of this. So in my recovery, I started to
add them back in, you know, and I kind of,
I would say, probably user error, you know, I went
like zero to a hundred. I really was in the
honeymoon phase. I was adding it on too everything, and
so digestively, my body just wasn't really equipped to handle
that um all at once because of years of restricting
(25:45):
and binging. My gut was kind of a mess. So
my nutrition is was like, okay, you know, for now,
as we start to heal your gut, let's just maybe
switch to some nut free spreads, you know, just in
the meantime. And I was like, all right, like makes sense. Um,
I was feeling really weigh down. So I go to
the store and there's like sunflower seed butter and a
bunch of sort of like soy up butters and stuff,
(26:06):
and you know, some people love them, but for me, honestly,
I just I didn't love the taste. They just didn't
do it for me, you know, like my good old
almond butter did um. And then on the flip side,
there was you know, Trader Joe's cookie butter, which was
absolutely delicious, but you know, again didn't make me feel
very good. I felt, you know, kind of weighed down
and everything. So I really had this epiphany where I
(26:27):
was like, how can I meld the two? You know,
how can I create something that tastes like a cookie
butter but doesn't make me feel like trash? And I
kind of had this epiphany where I was like, you know,
it was the time of oat milk sort of coming
onto the scene, and I was like, why has no
one done an oat based spread. Oats are delicious. I
digest them pretty well. They're very um neutral in flavor,
(26:48):
So I could do a bunch of different you know,
flavors and everything. So I started experimenting in my kitchen.
I was living in San Francisco at the time, and
I mean my first iterations were absolutely trash. Like I
was literally buying Trader Joe's granola and blending it in
my vitamix with like coconut oil and I had to,
you know, almost pay people to consume it. It It was
so bad. Of course, my mom the whole time was like,
(27:09):
this is amazing. I love you and you're great, you know,
because she just like praises me for breathing. So I
was like, Okay, I need to get some unbiased customer feedback.
And at this time, I'm working in tech. I didn't
think I was going to be doing this as a
full time hustle. I had probably like ten thousand followers
on Instagram, so I was like, I'm just going to
use this as a great little launchpad. And so Eric,
(27:29):
my boyfriend and he's now my co founder. He's much
more sort of entrepreneurial than I am, and he really
was like this is amazing, Like we need to go
for this, you know, And I'm very risk averse. I mean,
I was like, I'm happy with my tech startup paycheck,
Like I don't wanna, you know, do this entrepreneur thing.
I never considered myself an entrepreneur, honestly, and so I
(27:50):
was really hesitant at the beginning. And then I saw
a huge white space because all of these parents started
coming out of the woodwork as we did, you know,
pre orders and just kind of soft launched it on Instagram,
and they were like, oh my god, we need this.
Like my kids are in nut free schools. They won't
eat sun butter, and you know, the only thing they
(28:10):
like is the taste of your product. So that's when
I was like, Okay, this is actually something bigger than
just like, oh a fun, cool new spread. Because I
saw the opportunity, so you know, started really working on
at nights and weekends. I had no social life. My
friends were like, where the hell did you go? I
totally disappeared off the face of the earth. And then
I got to the point, you know, once we got
into Whole Foods and Press juicery, it was like I
(28:32):
couldn't do my full time job and this, you know
either one. Well, so that's when I decided to go
full time, which was the scariest thing I have ever done. Again,
just being super risk of first, I was like, how
am I going to support myself? My parents were like,
don't worry, You'll never be homeless. You know, you can
move in with us, which I thought was like a
total death sentence. Anyways, so I was like, Okay, I'm
gonna do everything I can not to move back into
(28:54):
my parents. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I
just you know, for me personally, I'm sure my mom
is gonna be listening to this, but um, and so
I really just hey, Leslie, So just really worked my
ass off. And you know, I think a lot of
people think that entrepreneurship is super glam super lucrative, really sexy,
and as you guys know, as you know anyone listening
(29:16):
who has their own business knows, is the complete opposite.
But I will say it has been the most i
mean just rewarding growth opportunity that I've ever had. And
so you know, we're still small, we're still growing. Um,
we just moved you cross country to a new facility,
but welcome to these coasts. Yeah, it's been super fun.
Um I had my first winter so that was cool. Um,
(29:37):
sorry about that. Yeah, no, it was cool. But I
think really, I mean, it's been really beautiful for me
to just come full circle with food. You know, again,
I never thought I would have a food company. Like
my product was something that I would have benched on
in the past, honestly, Like it's something that really would
have been a trigger food for me. I never would
(29:58):
have been able to keep it in the house, you know,
without housing an entire jar. And now I mean I'm
just surrounded by it. So it's just a testament to
you know, healing your relationship with food, getting to a
place where you know you're not in this sort of
restrictive mindset and then you know you can kind of
just you know, have a jar and you don't have
to eat the whole thing once one bite. So well,
(30:19):
I'm now on your Queen and Co. Instagram page and
the cookie Doe Granola Better has dropped. As of us
recording this, I think you've already done around, but it's
sold out pretty quickly and now it's back, So Queen
and Co. People need to go check it out. K
W E, N and Co. And Amy. That was launched
(30:40):
with in partnership with Right Yes Yes. So if anyone
remembers Dale's episode, Dale helped to create that and I
happened to be a proud owner of a jar and
I can attest to its amazing nous. Yeah, yeah, I know.
It was super fun so they, I mean, it was
just such a natural partnership with them. They have been
fans since the agetting, they're also investors. But it just
(31:02):
made sense, you know because really like everyone loves cookie though,
and we were like, how can we put a fun,
little super food spin on it, and so we added
you know, maca Locuma, coccount isbs um and it just
it's been so fun and you know, I never expected
I mean, the response, I guess people just love cookie though.
It is kind of what the conclusion that we came to. Um.
(31:23):
So yeah, this is our second drop because we sold
out really quickly the first one, and we're probably going
to sell it again really, you know, really soon, so
by the time this is live, it might not be available.
But um, we have other delicious labors to you. Well,
thank you Ali for sharing your story with us. We're
going to have you back on for a second episode
because there's so much I want to talk to about,
including how you've overcome disordered eating while being in a relationship,
(31:48):
because you talk a lot about partner stuff, and I
know our audience wants to kind of know how to
navigate this difficult stuff while they have a husband, partner,
significant other, whatever, So we'll have you back on real soon.
Thank you, very important good stuff. Thank you m HM
I won't let my body out the outway everything that
I'm made do. Won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and I will always out way. If you
(00:24):
feel it with your hands in the air, She'll some
love to the poop by get there, Let's say good
day and time did you and die out? Welcome back
to Outweigh today. It's Lisa Amy and we're joined by
our amazing guest, Ali Bonner, who is an influencer, a
food blogger turned food manufacturer. She's got her own brand
(00:47):
of a Queen and Coke granola butter, and she also
hosts a podcast that you'll want to check out called
The Alley Cast, where she talks all about the stuff
we talk about here, so body image, food relationships, and
even a of entrepreneurial ship stuff which I really love
your podcast, so everyone I know here will love it too.
Thanks for being here. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here,
(01:09):
and I mean, as you know, I'm a total open book,
so happy to chat entrepreneur side, body image stuff and
you've just been such an inspiration for me too on
all things body image, because as you know, it's just
such a journey, so excited to dive right in. Yeah,
it's it's a journey. And you've been very forthcoming with
your Instagram account to really share the struggle as you
(01:33):
went through it and as you make your way through it.
I feel like the thickness of it, you're kind of past.
But what inspired you to start sharing on Instagram? I
think similar to probably when you started to you know,
I didn't even know that, you know, being an influencer
was really a thing, to be honest, when I started,
I really use Instagram as you know, sort of a
healing modality and a healing platform for me that I
(01:55):
didn't really expect that to happen. So when I started posting,
I really was in the depths of my orthorexia. So
I was really obsessed with, you know, eating perfectly clean
all the time. Um I had just graduated my undergrad
I was a nutrition student, so you know, I really
was in this dark place with food and my body,
and you know, really started posting on Instagram because I
(02:17):
was using it as a way to hold me accountable
for you know, what I was eating. So it started
from a really negative, sort of fear based place, and
then as it progressed and as my relationship with food
sort of evolved, I started to use it more and
more in tandem with, you know, working with my nutritional
therapist as a way to play with my food again.
So I, you know, for so long, was so terrified
(02:38):
of food and ridgid around it, and so I really
used it as you know, sort of an art form
in a way. I was doing these like crazy over
the top, you know, drippy smoothies which are just completely
unrealistic in hindsight, and you know, took hours in the kitchen,
but it really was a great starting point for me
to you know, bring a little fun, bring a little
play back into what I was eating, and just kind
(02:59):
of loosen up and not be so rigid around it.
It sounds to me like it's therapeutic for you. Yeah,
it totally was. And I just actually talked about this
on my page yesterday. But I was restricting myself, you know,
in all of the ways, emotionally, physically, mentally, and so
I remember being you know, in high school and I
was just scrolling food blogs and just looking at these
(03:19):
like decadent, you know, dessert recipes because I wouldn't allow
myself to consume them, and so I would just for
hours late at night, you know, after my parents would
go to bed, I would just read food blogs, look
at these amazing, you know, mouth watering pictures, and so
at that time, you know, it wasn't healthy for me.
But then as I sort of started to heal my
relationship with food, you know, it did become sort of
(03:39):
therapeutic and yeah, just sort of an outlet. This is
so interesting because we know this anecdotally through stories like yours,
but also from research. One of the earliest studies on
starvation looked at what happens to the mind when people
are starving, and it was meant to understand what was
going to happen when people returned back from I think
(04:01):
it was World War two, it could have been World
War One anyway. The research basically found that when the
men were there was a men were the population, but
when they were calorically restricted, everything that they talked about
and and could think about was all about food. So
they were they became obsessed with cooking, with talking about recipes,
(04:21):
and it basically just took over their life and so
we don't realize when we're restricting how food becomes the
fixation from a place of survival. But I think that's
something that we hear all the time, that you can
be thinking about food all the time, and that that
could be a sign of disordered eating. Absolutely, yeah, And
(04:42):
for me it was. You know, that's it's such a
great point because I really, you know, growing up, I
liked food, you know, but I wasn't someone who was
a huge foodie, you know. I was kind of just
like eat to live type of thing. And it was
like as soon as I started restricting, I mean that
is when I just I looked at my friends and
I was like, how and you guys not think about
food all the time. And that's why I talked about
(05:02):
my page too. I'm like, I was just in awe
of people that you know, forgot to eat or just
you know, it slipped their mind, because it really was
on my mind. Like as I was eating breakfast, I
was planning and calculating and you know, just preparing what
I was going to have for lunch, which just is
the most exhausting thing ever. And that's part of the
reason why I decided to really embark on you know,
(05:25):
healing my relationship with food because I was just so over,
you know, thinking about all the gutta time. So, Ali,
I actually pulled up this post on your Instagram and
I want to read it because I think it's pretty impactful.
And if people want to follow you, your alley A
L I, B O N A R. So that's where
they can find you there. And here's what you put up.
(05:47):
And it was a post says, what percentage of your
day do you spend thinking about food? A few years ago,
I would have answered upwards of to while I was
eating breakfast, I was planning lunch, while I was out
to dinner, I was calculating how many calories are in
my meal? Instead of who I was with At night,
I would scroll through food Instagram accounts and watch Food
Network for hours on end. Why because I was restricting emotionally, mentally,
(06:10):
and physically, and so food occupied my every waking thought.
I was in all of those who quote forgot to eat?
How could someone go their day without food crossing their mind?
Until the other day, when I was so engrossed in
work that I almost forgot to eat lunch, I realized,
holy shit, I'm that person. This isn't to glamorize for
getting to eat, but to highlight that once I stopped
(06:32):
restricting and started to heal my relationship with food, it
was no longer the main character. I still love food,
I look forward to meals and enjoy every goddamn fight,
but food is a supporting role in my life rather
than the main event. So I just wanted to read
through that because I thought it was It's such a
great sentiment to exactly what we experience when we restrict
(06:52):
and then end up on a binge or obsess or
what we like to talk about on the podcast here
is your world ends up so small? Absolutely yeah. And
the biggest thing too, you know that I really want
to make a point to talk about and I think, Lisa,
you do a great job of sharing about this is
just that, you know, disordered eating as a spectrum, like
I think, for so long, I didn't reach out for
(07:12):
help because you know, even though I had these warning signs,
these check engine lights, you know, I was, I was
thinking about food seven I really looked, you know, physically,
the same way that I do today, And so I
always thought, you know, people who have eating disorders are
those who are frail and underweight and sort of that stereotypical,
you know, anorexic looking person and what I read, and
(07:35):
I also was like, I'm not throwing up my food,
you know, so I'm not believing and so I really
didn't feel like I fit into any of these boxes.
And so part of it, really, you know, what prevented
me from getting help was because I didn't feel like
I had a problem. And in hindsight, you know, thinking
about food and ninety percent at the time is a problem.
So yeah, so I just I wanted to, you know,
reiterate that because that's something that again, Lisa, I think
(07:57):
you do a great job of talking about, is just
that you know, disordered eating the spectrum first of all,
and also it doesn't have a look or an appearance.
You know, any anybody can struggle with those thoughts in
that relationship with food. And I love that you made
the important nuance to not glamorize forgetting to eat. And
it's an important one because I feel like I've said
stuff on my Instagram similarly, and some people will call
(08:21):
out things like if I said I didn't finish all
my food and or um, I forgot to eat, something
like that, and it's a good distinction to explain that
that's a rare occurrence when you heal your relationship to food.
But it's so foreign to where you came from, where
every waking thought was stolen from your purpose and your
passion and given towards food. And so when your knee
(08:45):
deep in a project that you're so passionate about and
you forget to eat once in a while, right, you're
really highlighting something very different than forgetting to eat. And
I think it was really responsible of you to include
that note in your Instagram caption. Yeah, no, and that's huge.
I mean, I want to be very crystal clear, like
(09:06):
that was I never forget to eat. I mean, it
was just like you said, it was one of those
moments where I was like, I have come so far
with my relationship with food that you know, I'm not anticipating,
I'm not counting down the minutes until my next meal.
And yeah, you're so right. I mean, I think it's
obviously hard to to nuance that in an Instagram caption,
but I didn't. Making those little points is important because
(09:28):
you know, it's easy to just, you know, subconsciously even
glamorize it too. When you're kind of recovering. You've done
a really good job on your Instagram of highlighting some
of the parts of our stories that I think we
all have these really shameful moments that I don't think
we mean to not talk about. But I think some
of my moments, at least I have subconsciously repressed. And
(09:52):
one of them that you talk about that I think
really highlights how crazy it can get up in your
brain when these things are going on, is how you
would eat food out of the trash. And that's not
something sexy to talk about. It's a dark place to go.
Why did that happen to you? And what's it like
(10:13):
for you to share that? First of all, I mean,
it's just wild that I'm at the place now. And again,
you know, I don't I talked about this a lot,
like I don't say this to brag or anything, but
just to give people hope, because I truly was at
the place where I was like, I'm going to struggle
with this forever. Like I looked at you know, people
that had normal relationships with food quote unquote normal just
(10:34):
I guess, non emotional, you know, not thinking about it
all the time. And I was just I didn't feel
like I could ever get to a normal place with
food and talking about the things that I share today.
Years ago, I would have been just so shameful, so
filled with shame, so filled with guilt and embarrassment and regret.
And of course, whenever you share something a little bit vulnerable,
(10:55):
you sort of have that, you know, vulnerability hangover for
a little bit. But really I've never regret add it
sharing moments like that because the second that I do,
I mean just the outpouring not only of just support,
but people that have also done that and said, you know,
holy sh it, Like I thought I was the only
person that had done that, and I felt so shameful
(11:15):
about it, and just hearing that someone else has done
that it makes me feel seen and not alone, because
I think a big issue with you know, disordered eating
is it's such an isolating thing, like when you're going
through it, you're not you know, running gallivanting throughout the streets,
you know, telling people that you're struggling with food, like
you really will do everything to try and hide it.
So I just wanted to preface it with that. But
(11:36):
you know the reason I really struggled with it, and
The reason I decided to share about it was because
I thought, you know, it was the most embarrassing and
shameful moment of probably my entire life. And so I thought,
you know, if I can share this on the internet
with complete strangers and you know, not that I have
millions of followers, but the people who follow me, then
(11:56):
it was almost sort of like ripping off a band
aid and you know, what else could I talk about?
And what you know, I almost wanted to create the
space for other people to share their vulnerabilities and you know,
their most shameful moments and just normalize it and make
it okay, because you know, at the end of the day,
we're all human and we all go through this stuff.
So yeah, I mean to tell a little backstory about
why it happened, um or you know, one of the
(12:19):
moments when it happened. So again, you know, I was
restricting not only emotionally, physically, mentally, just every aspect of
my relationship with food really, and so you know, oftentimes
I would eat a lot in secret. I think part
of it was, you know, I was a people pleaser,
and I wanted to look a certain way. I wanted
to appear like I had my ship together again. I
(12:40):
was studying nutrition, you know for my undergrad so everyone
sort of um viewed me as just this really healthy,
you know eater. Oh Ali, she eats salads all the
time because she's a nutrition student, so what she does.
So when I would eat something you know that was
quote unquote un unhealthy or not clean, you know, in
my mind, I always did and see scrit And at
(13:00):
the time, I was living in a storty house, you know,
in college, so I'm just constantly surrounded by other women,
which was you know, a recipe for disaster probably. And
I remember one time, you know, my roommate at the
time walked in and I don't know if you remember
those quest bars, but like quest bars were something where
I felt like it was safe enough quote unquote safe
enough for me to eat. But they sort of tasted
(13:21):
a little decadent, which is just so crazy thing about
it now, because it's like I would never go for
a quest bar when I was looking for something decadent,
and I got a box, like a variety pack of
all these different flavors, and you know, I opened one
and I thought, oh, I'll just have one, you know,
and it tasted so good. So then I had another one,
and then I had another one, and I just was
taking bites out of all of these different quest bars,
(13:44):
and I thought my roommate was at you know, her
lecture some class, and she, I guess, got out earlier,
got canceled, and she walked in on me in the
middle of eating all of these bars, and there was
rappers everywhere, and it was I mean the most like
just embarrassing moment of you know, to that point of
my life, because anyone who's ever binged or you know,
(14:05):
eaten in secret knows that just someone walking in on
them is the worst. And of course she's so aloof
you know, she had like a totally easy, breezy relationship
with food, so she was just like, oh wow, like
Ali's hungry, you know, guess you know, she's having a snack.
But I was just so mortified, and I like shoved
them all, you know, into the trash can in our
little room under the bed wherever I could, and you know,
(14:25):
when she went to the bathroom and then later, you know,
when she went out with friends or went out to dinner,
I had all of these different you know bars sitting
in the trash and I looked at them, and you know,
this wasn't like our personal trash can. It was the communal,
you know, in the hallway trash can. And I was like, well,
it's just kind of like sitting on top, you know,
like it's fine. And then the other part of me
was like, like, oh my god, are you kidding, Like
(14:47):
you're not going to take that out of the trash
because there was you know, if you didn't been in
there for a couple of hours. And then you know,
it was kind of late, everyone had kind of gone
to bed, maybe like eleven PM. And I was like, screw,
you know, and I grabbed it and I kind of
like wiped it off and I started eating it. And
the feeling of just you know, so much, so much
(15:09):
feeling right like there was this urgency about having to
eat it before anyone else caught me. There was this
shame of you know, I can't believe I'm doing this
sort of a little endorphin rush of like getting away
with something. So it was just a very confusing blend
of emotions. And then of course I never told anyone
until I started talking about it openly to strangers on
(15:29):
the internet. But yeah, I mean I think I just
you know, for anyone listening who number one has done that, like,
you're not alone clearly. And also I think you know,
it's a good time for you to just reflect and
you know, realize that something is going on. And I think,
you know, had I had the skills and the tools
to deal with, you know, my issues with food or
(15:49):
just know that you know, this wasn't a normal occurrence
that people you know who don't restrict food in other
ways typically eat things out of the trash. Then it
would have been a good check engine light for me
to you know, reach out to someone a therapist or
a loved one. But at the time I just felt
really shameful about it. Okay, well, in light of you
sharing that story, I'll just offer some of our listeners
comfort and that I have eaten out of the trash
(16:12):
as well, and so I think that that is a
common cycle that can happen. But again, yes, it's so
isolating and there's so much shame. I would feel my
lowest of lows. I had a binge and purge relationship,
like purging with exercise or you know, choosing to throw up,
and I felt like these are my lowest of lows
(16:33):
private moments that no one will ever know about because
I don't want them to know. I don't want anybody
to picture me doing any of these activities. But I
appreciate you sharing that story. And and yeah, I think
the reason why we talk and why we share is
so that people don't feel alone, and so they can
know that there is hope because you are offering them
(16:55):
that hope by showing them, Hey, I'm to the other side.
It took a lot of work to get where we are.
Like if anybody's listening right now and maybe they just
had an episode this morning or last night and you're
kind of just thinking you're you're lost and you don't
know what your your next move is. I just hope
that they feel encouraged that there is hope and that
(17:16):
there is another way and you don't have to be
obsessed with the food and you don't have to restrict
and you don't have to eat out of the trash.
There is another way. And that's why Lisa and I
started out wigh and Lisa has been a huge encouragement
to me as well, and so I'm excited to start
following you to Ali just because I love everything that
you've shared so far, adding another important perspective as to
(17:38):
how powerful that share is. You also help somebody who,
like you didn't know and I didn't know in my
low moment, and Amy, you didn't know in your low
moment that that was as you called it, Ali, that
check engine light a warning sign that you need help.
And so for the listener that may not have experienced
something like that yet, it's now on their radar of
(18:00):
if that happens, the check engine light is on, You're
not broken, but there's something to assess. As well as
for the listener that listens because they have a daughter
or a son, or a sister or a brother, and
when they see this behavior, instead of being like, oh,
what the heck was that she just I just caught
her him eating from the trash, it's like, okay, this
(18:20):
is telling me that there's something beneath the behavior that
needs to be examined totally. Yeah, and separating it from
it's not I love that. Yeah, it's it's not you
that's broken. You know, it's not something that's wrong with you.
Because I really felt that so deep in my core
that I was messed up, you know, I was like,
there's something so wrong with me, and it really scared me, right,
(18:42):
but it's not, It's just the behavior that you're doing
is like you said, yeah, it's a great check engine
light or just you know a red flag that you
know something is just a little off, and you know,
you easily can kind of get back to baseline and
heal that relationship with food. Well, let's talk about carbophobia
and you're healing from that. I'll try and keep it short,
but essentially, I mean for a very long time, I
(19:04):
was totally carbophobic. So I mean I would even opt
you know, as I mentioned, I struggled with orthorexia, which
I'm sure your listeners know is just obsession with you know,
the purity of a food or just how clean it
is or the ingredients. Um. And so for me, carbs
were a big no note for a long time, and
I really would even opt for these massive salads that
were just much bigger than you know, my body needed
(19:27):
at the time, but I would opt for them instead
of just you know, a smaller kind of normal or
you know, a size sandwich that my body you know,
actually needed, just because I was so terrified of the carbs.
So I was always sort of you know, picking food
choices based on the carb content, and that really stuck
with me for a long time. Even well into my recovery,
where you know, I started to really relax around food
(19:49):
and eat you know, higher quantity of food, I still
really struggled with this, you know, carb phobia. And it
wasn't until I started, you know, realizing I haven't gotten
my period in years and I always had had an
irregular period. Um, I have hashimotos. So I feel like,
you know, I was only diagnosed a few years ago.
But I actually just recently talked to my mom on
(20:11):
the phone the other day and she was sort of
telling me, you know, I always had cold, very cold,
clammy hands and feet. I had you know, really up
and down blood sugar. I would get shaky, and I
feel like I've had it for a really long time,
just undiagnosed. So I think that also contributed to not
having a period. But you know, I realized I hadn't
had it for a couple of years. This is not okay,
And you know, I'm not ready to have kids right
(20:32):
this moment, but I want the option hopefully you know,
down the line. And so I really and obviously not
having a period is you know, a huge red flag.
And so I was working with my doctor and she
really recommended just i mean, ramping up the carbs. And
I talked about this, you know, I know, tracking is
sort of a topic that's debated but and some people, um,
(20:53):
you know, don't really obviously use it. But for me,
it was really helpful just to get a sense of,
you know, how many carbs in my actually consuming. And
I was vastly under consuming carbs because just for so
long I had really you know, it become a pattern
of mine just to sort of, oh, I'll go for
the you know, the avocado and the salmon and veggies,
and it was just sort of in my patterns in
(21:14):
my habits. And so as I started to be more
you know, intentional about adding carbs into every single meal
and really you know, adding those back in I mean
number one, I started feeling so much better. Just for
my workouts, I felt, you know, my recovery time was shorter,
and I just overall felt more balanced. You know. I
felt like I still had this part of me that
(21:35):
was always sort of craving you know, a little sweet
thing at the end of every meal, or I was
always thinking about dessert or thinking about at you know,
ending my meal with something a little sweet, and I
just felt like, you know, not that there's anything wrong
with dessert, but part of it, you know, it was
just this lack, like my soul wasn't being fulfilled, you know,
and it wasn't being complete by my meals. And so
(21:56):
when I started to add that carb source back into
my meals, I really felt like, Okay, wow, you know,
my soul feels nourished, I feel kind of calm and
my complete with my meals. So that was huge. I
got my period back within I mean just a few
months of adding carbs back into my diet, which was insane.
Obviously I was, you know, doing some other supplements and everything,
(22:17):
working with my doctor, but it was a huge thing
for me. And it's real, I think, you know, with
Keto and a lot of these diets on the rise,
people really have a deep rooted carb fear. So you know,
if you're listening and you have that, like number one,
you're not alone, but number two, you know, there's nothing
to be afraid of because only you know, you can
only feel better, or I did at least, So yeah,
(22:38):
I mean, it was real, but I'm so glad that
I'm sort of I've added them back in at this point.
I'm so glad that you have too. I'm so glad
that you got your period back, and just really showing
the power of food. And I love how you brought
up that tracking food. You said, you know, I feel
like you're a little nervous just to even say it,
But I think there's a huge difference between tracking your
(23:00):
food to try and limit your intake and stay between
a arbitrary green light number, amount, whatever it is, versus
using it as a tool to honestly look at what
you're consuming and not use it to manipulate, especially when
(23:20):
working with a professional that can help you, um, really
take inventory. I know you've got a nutrition background, so
maybe you didn't need one, but for other people listening,
to really have somebody take a look at what you're
actually eating and recognize that there's a deficit of carb, protein,
fat might explain why you don't have your period, why
your blood sugars up and down, why you have headaches,
(23:42):
brain fog, you know, all these different things. So not
to say that you should start tracking to anybody listening,
but to say that there's a time and a place
for that as well as tracking what you're eating, not
necessarily the stripped down calories, protein, fat, carbs from it.
Let the professional do that part exactly. Yeah, and there's again,
(24:04):
I mean, I'm sure so many different ways to skin
a cat, right, Like, I'm sure you could, you know,
work on, oh, adding a handful of keen to your
next meal or whatever. But for me, I'm just such
a numbers person that I know for some people that
could be triggering, but for me, it was like, okay,
I you know, I saw the number of cards that
I was eating and my doctor, you know, my nutritions
(24:24):
was like, yo, you're gonna have to hit this number.
And I was like, all right, I'm very gold oriented,
so I was like, let's do it. And so it
kind of gamified it for me, which was really great.
And then once I got in the habit of adding
sweet potatoes, adding whatever, you know, more carb sources to
each meal, then it became more habitual and it just
it lessened the fear around it as well. Yeah, you
(24:44):
were headed in the right direction with the numbers, like
you weren't going the wrong way. So I think that
is that is a good distinction to make their Can
we quickly, just talk about you launching into your own
food company and what that looked like for you. Yeah. So,
I mean, really the genesis of Queen of Granola Butter
(25:04):
came from my eating disorder recovery. So, you know, for
a long time, as I mentioned, I restricted not only
you know, certain foods, but entire food groups as we
mentioned with carbs, um. But a big one that I
I strangely was really terrified of for a long time
was nuts and nut butters just because you know, of
the quote unquote calories and they were so dense and
(25:25):
all of this. So in my recovery, I started to
add them back in, you know, and I kind of,
I would say, probably user error, you know, I went
like zero to a hundred. I really was in the
honeymoon phase. I was adding it on too everything, and
so digestively, my body just wasn't really equipped to handle
that um all at once because of years of restricting
(25:45):
and binging. My gut was kind of a mess. So
my nutrition is was like, okay, you know, for now,
as we start to heal your gut, let's just maybe
switch to some nut free spreads, you know, just in
the meantime. And I was like, all right, like makes sense. Um,
I was feeling really weigh down. So I go to
the store and there's like sunflower seed butter and a
bunch of sort of like soy up butters and stuff,
(26:06):
and you know, some people love them, but for me, honestly,
I just I didn't love the taste. They just didn't
do it for me, you know, like my good old
almond butter did um. And then on the flip side,
there was you know, Trader Joe's cookie butter, which was
absolutely delicious, but you know, again didn't make me feel
very good. I felt, you know, kind of weighed down
and everything. So I really had this epiphany where I
(26:27):
was like, how can I meld the two? You know,
how can I create something that tastes like a cookie
butter but doesn't make me feel like trash? And I
kind of had this epiphany where I was like, you know,
it was the time of oat milk sort of coming
onto the scene, and I was like, why has no
one done an oat based spread. Oats are delicious. I
digest them pretty well. They're very um neutral in flavor,
(26:48):
So I could do a bunch of different you know,
flavors and everything. So I started experimenting in my kitchen.
I was living in San Francisco at the time, and
I mean my first iterations were absolutely trash. Like I
was literally buying Trader Joe's granola and blending it in
my vitamix with like coconut oil and I had to,
you know, almost pay people to consume it. It It was
so bad. Of course, my mom the whole time was like,
(27:09):
this is amazing. I love you and you're great, you know,
because she just like praises me for breathing. So I
was like, Okay, I need to get some unbiased customer feedback.
And at this time, I'm working in tech. I didn't
think I was going to be doing this as a
full time hustle. I had probably like ten thousand followers
on Instagram, so I was like, I'm just going to
use this as a great little launchpad. And so Eric,
(27:29):
my boyfriend and he's now my co founder. He's much
more sort of entrepreneurial than I am, and he really
was like this is amazing, Like we need to go
for this, you know, And I'm very risk averse. I mean,
I was like, I'm happy with my tech startup paycheck,
Like I don't wanna, you know, do this entrepreneur thing.
I never considered myself an entrepreneur, honestly, and so I
(27:50):
was really hesitant at the beginning. And then I saw
a huge white space because all of these parents started
coming out of the woodwork as we did, you know,
pre orders and just kind of soft launched it on Instagram,
and they were like, oh my god, we need this.
Like my kids are in nut free schools. They won't
eat sun butter, and you know, the only thing they
(28:10):
like is the taste of your product. So that's when
I was like, Okay, this is actually something bigger than
just like, oh a fun, cool new spread. Because I
saw the opportunity, so you know, started really working on
at nights and weekends. I had no social life. My
friends were like, where the hell did you go? I
totally disappeared off the face of the earth. And then
I got to the point, you know, once we got
into Whole Foods and Press juicery, it was like I
(28:32):
couldn't do my full time job and this, you know
either one. Well, so that's when I decided to go
full time, which was the scariest thing I have ever done. Again,
just being super risk of first, I was like, how
am I going to support myself? My parents were like,
don't worry, You'll never be homeless. You know, you can
move in with us, which I thought was like a
total death sentence. Anyways, so I was like, Okay, I'm
gonna do everything I can not to move back into
(28:54):
my parents. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I
just you know, for me personally, I'm sure my mom
is gonna be listening to this, but um, and so
I really just hey, Leslie, So just really worked my
ass off. And you know, I think a lot of
people think that entrepreneurship is super glam super lucrative, really sexy,
and as you guys know, as you know anyone listening
(29:16):
who has their own business knows, is the complete opposite.
But I will say it has been the most i
mean just rewarding growth opportunity that I've ever had. And
so you know, we're still small, we're still growing. Um,
we just moved you cross country to a new facility,
but welcome to these coasts. Yeah, it's been super fun.
Um I had my first winter so that was cool. Um,
(29:37):
sorry about that. Yeah, no, it was cool. But I
think really, I mean, it's been really beautiful for me
to just come full circle with food. You know, again,
I never thought I would have a food company. Like
my product was something that I would have benched on
in the past, honestly, Like it's something that really would
have been a trigger food for me. I never would
(29:58):
have been able to keep it in the house, you know,
without housing an entire jar. And now I mean I'm
just surrounded by it. So it's just a testament to
you know, healing your relationship with food, getting to a
place where you know you're not in this sort of
restrictive mindset and then you know you can kind of
just you know, have a jar and you don't have
to eat the whole thing once one bite. So well,
(30:19):
I'm now on your Queen and Co. Instagram page and
the cookie Doe Granola Better has dropped. As of us
recording this, I think you've already done around, but it's
sold out pretty quickly and now it's back, So Queen
and Co. People need to go check it out. K
W E, N and Co. And Amy. That was launched
(30:40):
with in partnership with Right Yes Yes. So if anyone
remembers Dale's episode, Dale helped to create that and I
happened to be a proud owner of a jar and
I can attest to its amazing nous. Yeah, yeah, I know.
It was super fun so they, I mean, it was
just such a natural partnership with them. They have been
fans since the agetting, they're also investors. But it just
(31:02):
made sense, you know because really like everyone loves cookie though,
and we were like, how can we put a fun,
little super food spin on it, and so we added
you know, maca Locuma, coccount isbs um and it just
it's been so fun and you know, I never expected
I mean, the response, I guess people just love cookie though.
It is kind of what the conclusion that we came to. Um.
(31:23):
So yeah, this is our second drop because we sold
out really quickly the first one, and we're probably going
to sell it again really, you know, really soon, so
by the time this is live, it might not be available.
But um, we have other delicious labors to you. Well,
thank you Ali for sharing your story with us. We're
going to have you back on for a second episode
because there's so much I want to talk to about,
including how you've overcome disordered eating while being in a relationship,
(31:48):
because you talk a lot about partner stuff, and I
know our audience wants to kind of know how to
navigate this difficult stuff while they have a husband, partner,
significant other, whatever, So we'll have you back on real soon.
Thank you, very important good stuff. Thank you m HM
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
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Amy Brown
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