June 20, 2023 • 18 mins
Welcome to the '5th Thing' with Amy & Kat!! Today’s quote gives us a reminder of things we need to never feel guilty about (but yet we somehow do at times). Then we get into personal boundaries and answer some emails about: eye patches/pimple patches, bird seed recommendation, and how to deal with all the things.
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Defatta // @Kat.Defatta // @YouNeedTherapyPodcast // YouNeedTherapyPodcast.com
Please send emails for the 5th thing to 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat and welcome to the Fifth Thing.
Today's quote is from the Good Quote on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
That's what the account's called.
Speaker 4 (00:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Oh so it's just full of like good quotes. So
someone had posted and they just reposted them. Things not
to feel guilty about. And I feel like I've seen
this from multiple people, so it's nothing brand new, but
it's a great reminder. Like I always like to say,
keep it in your back pocket for when you need it,
but things.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Not to feel guilty about.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
For not responding immediately to somebody, how do you feel
about that?
Speaker 3 (00:39):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
For being really good at something, they can't hear.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
You with your Oh sorry, I was trying to make
a noise because I just opened my I want to
talk about that, but keep going.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
For saying no to things that don't feel good to you,
for taking a break, and then for standing up for yourself.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Okay, read the second one again.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
For being really good at something.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Okay, I love that because I don't think i've ever
heard somebody say you don't have to feel guilty about
being good at something.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
But I also feel I want to know your feelings
on this.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
I get this sense that like we're not allowed to
like compliment ourselves and we're not allowed to like put
out there that we are good at something because it
feels like egotistical or narcissistic or something like that.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Do you feel that way?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I think I have because I downplace sometimes what I
do or my different skill sets because I'm like, oh,
I'm not as good as that person, or oh I
don't want to. But in the last year or so,
as I've been trying to look at like where i
want to go with my career and where I'm focusing
my energy and what I'm doing, I'm like, Okay, I'm
good at this, But I do feel more confident in
(01:44):
my work and what I'm doing and feeling okay with
saying out loud I'm good at that. Yeah, And it
actually gives me confidence going into certain things. I'm good
at this, and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go
out there and I'm gonna kill it.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
Yeah. And a lot of times people are good at
things because they've worked really hard at them, and we
should be allowed to celebrate that.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Right.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Yeah, Okay, I really like that was a good one.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
You're a good therapist. Well, thank you, You're welcome, especially
in your field.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Yeah, well your speciality field in the mental health field.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Mental health disorders.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yeah, yeah, it's okay to acknowledge that, Like, yeah, I'm
good at what I do because I work really hard
at getting here.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
How do you feel about not responding immediately?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Okay, So funny story.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
I was listening to a podcast on the way to
your house and they were talking about getting these messages
like that kind of like shock, you like out of
the blue, and how there's this like feeling where we
have to respond right away because there's all this emotion,
but the best thing you can do is like sit.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
There and really think through your response.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
So it kind of makes me think of that because
I think a lot of times when somebody reaches out,
we put our brains on their timeline versus our timeline.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Does that make sense? Yeah? Absolutely so.
Speaker 4 (02:56):
Yeah, if we need space to think, or maybe we're
busy and we don't have time, I'm to react to that,
It's okay.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
My thing is I want to make sure, and I'm
getting better at it, is not losing the text and
then forgetting completely to reply, because I do that a
lot of text messages I get come in on weekday
mornings and I'm doing the Bobby Bone Show. It might
be a song break, so I might be engaging, but
as I'm trying to focus more at my job and realize, like, Okay, yes,
(03:25):
have I had ADHD since I was a child, Yes,
But some of my stuff is my own doing, like
having my phone out and my computer out, And then
I get squirrel like I'm doing the show and then
I'm like, oh, do come in? And I start doing this,
and then I get in trouble for not focusing at work.
And while I can say, oh, but you know me,
(03:45):
I've adb.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Like that's not cutting it. I'm working on that.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I'm doing certain things to improve parts of my brain,
and I'm seeing it happen. But what's also very aware
to me is I have a choice of what distractions
can I have around me. So a lot of times
I've been keeping my computer shut or my phone down,
But songbreak, I might bust it out. But song break,
I might see your text, But then that song's only
three minutes long, and I don't know yet if I've
(04:10):
had time to reply. And then I put my phone
down and I don't pick it up for another two
hours because I'm focusing, and then I forget to go
back because more texts have come in. Do you know
what I mean?
Speaker 4 (04:20):
Okay, yes, And I'm so glad you're saying this because
it gives me context of talking to you, because sometimes
you do respond right away and it's like boom boom boom,
boom boom, and then you don't respond dark and then
two days later you're like, oh my gosh. Yes, but
that's why I hate that though, But that is also
(04:40):
helpful to know that that's what you're doing. The other
thing though, because like, what is the solution to not
read it until you have time and space. I do
that and then I end up having like fifty unread
text messages, and then I have too much anxiety to
go back and read all of them, so they still
get ignored.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
So I don't know what the solution here is.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Well, some people say that that batch is the way
to go, like you should batch your text, batch your
emails like at two thirty. But then I'm like, well,
what if you get a text at you know, eleven am.
That's important and you need to check your text messages,
but it's not your text message time. But maybe you
have an emergency, you have certain people labeled that can
get through. But then if it's not, is it really
an emergency. So if two thirty to three is text
(05:21):
messages or maybe two to three if you need that long,
then that's when you boom boo boom, knock it all out.
And then same thing with emails some people if their
job allows it, which everybody has a different type of
career that allows different things. But Lisa Haim, who's our friend,
she's got a podcast to Truthiest Life. Kat and I
are both friends with her, but she does emails and
(05:43):
she has an automatic reply that if you email her,
it'll say I only check emails Monday, Wednesday, Friday or
whatever the days are.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And that's the boundary she had to set for herself,
and she can sit down on those a lot of
days and really focus her energy to the email instead
of every day being like boomo to the emails. Now again,
her career allows her to do that, but just something
you consider.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
Yeah, I like, I really do like her automated email.
I wanted to do that, but I don't think it
would fit with my job.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, No, you know, have more of a you have
a different job, which to you, could you know, ping
me in between clients and then you go that's dark
for an hour, and then sometimes maybe I don't hear
from you for like three days, and I'm like, what's
wrong with Kat?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Just kidding? I don't I do that, But that's what
I'm working.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I'm working on being able to make sure I carve
out the time to go back and make sure that
I've replied to everybody. And then another thing that I'm
doing at night to be more present at home is
I used to kind of just have no boundaries or
rules with my phone. If it was seven o'clock, it
didn't matter. I'd have my phone out, Instagram, whatever, eight o'clock,
eight pm, but right before bed. And now I still
(06:50):
dabble in that because I mean, things just naturally draw
you to your phone at times. But I would say
my on average now is I'm not near my phone
at night, and I just put it down and I
either put it on my charger and I am present
with the kids. I make sure my show prep is
done at a certain time. I used to be like
willy nilly with that. I'm like, I get to that later.
(07:12):
So now I've set my own personal boundary of like
I'm trying to get all my work done by three
thirty four o'clock.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Some days it doesn't happen. It's just not possible.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
But I used to not operate on any sort of schedule,
and it would be nine pm and I'd be running
up to my podcast room to try to write the
description or shoot even record a podcast that was due
for the next day. And now I have a flow,
I have organization, I have interviews pre scheduled, I have
a calendar. I abide by it, and it's like, oh yeah,
in that not much time. I've got my time to
(07:43):
get my show prep done and do a podcast interview
probably for the coming weeks, or have phone calls or
zooms or meetings that I need to have, but it's
limited when I do connect with friends or people, which
has got to be in the car. But then sometimes
I have to be on the phone with kids, teachers,
or different phone calls we have for them when I'm driving,
and then I'm not really alone. And some friends I
(08:04):
want a little bit of alone time when I'm talking
to them. So it's just making sure that I connect
in some ways. And I don't like being that person
that's like, hey, can you talk at like three o'clock?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
But well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
It just feels weird to have to schedule that out,
but I guess it's I have to care my friends.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
I've literally been playing phone tag to an extent with
a friend trying to schedule a phone call because our
lives are busy. So I don't think there's anything wrong
with that. Kay, good, thank you. I don't even know
how we got here though.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
The quote, yeah, it's been about ten minutes or so.
But yeah for not responding immediately, yeah, yes, and don't
take offense to it. That's one thing that I used
to think, Oh my gosh, you're they mad at me,
and really it has nothing to.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Do with you, or they don't care about me.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
And that's a lot of times in life. They could
be focusing on their kids. They could have new boundaries
with their phone, which again, that's what it has come
down to for me, especially at night. I want to
hang out with my kids. I want to have meaningful
dinner around the table, which we don't all ways do that,
but we've had dinner around the table more this year
than we ever have in the four years that we've
(09:05):
been parents, and I see a difference in my kids
when that happens. But no guilt if you can't make
that happen, because honestly, I don't know how. Some people
make it happen all the time with the kids in
their schedules and everybody's different all the time. And you know,
so she was about to be in high school, it's
gonna be even worse.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
And wait, is she in eighth grade?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Yeah, she's going into ninth grade next year, and she's
gonna feel well. She's fifteen now, and she's going to
start driving soon or at least her learner's permit. I
feel crazy because I don't want her to get old.
I feel very hard. I feel sad, and I want
her to stop growing. Like I walked past her in
the hall at home the other day and I was like,
(09:42):
who are you? Where is the little girl that once was?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Who is this girl in the house?
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Who is this girl?
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
I do have an email that I want to get into. Hey, Amy,
longtime listener, second time emailer. My kids are six and
three and we also listen to the Bobby Bone Show.
They chant Bobby Bones every morning until I turn it
on it's hilarious, But anyway, I feel like we may
have been in a similar season and I can connect
with you and a lot that you share. I was
wondering a few things. First thing, what kind of bird
(10:24):
seed do you recommend? I recently put up a bird
feeder around my house and now I'm obsessed.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
My dad passed away a little over a year ago.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
And there is one cardinal that hangs around in a
tree where my three year old daughter says, Grandpa hangs out.
Keep in mind, we moved and my dad has never
been to our new house. I know kids connect with
spirits easier than adults, so who knows. I just want
my new bird loves to have some yummy food when
they come to visit. Also, if you have any recommendations
about the different kinds of feeders or a field guide
(10:53):
for identifying different types, I'd love to hear it.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Just tell me all the things.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, Well, first, I would say your local pet stores
will have a bird seat and you can just get
wild bird seed some that can be specific to your area.
One thing that I've thrown into my feeder to attract
birds is peanuts in the shell. They can crack it
so you're good, like those hole in the shell peanuts,
like how they come.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Yeah, yeah, when you said peanut in the shell, I
got it right away.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
You're very smart. You're very You're very good at what
you do.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
You're very educated. I know what a peanut is.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So that's where you can start. With bird seed, or
you can order some wild bird seed off of Amazon.
I personally like just wooden square feeders. It doesn't really
even matter the brand. Everyone has different price points, but
minor just wooden blocks, like a little mesh thing and
then a tray. And I just dumped the seed out,
and I've got like a wire rod thing sticking in
my yard and I hang the feeders on that and
(11:47):
they come and they visit me by my window, and
it's great. And when it comes to identifying birds, you
can order charts off Amazon too. When my mother in
law was staying with us a few weeks ago, she said, oh,
where's your I want to identify this bird. I said, oh,
I know what that is. You don't need the chart,
and now I just, oh, wow, heard the birds. I
put the chart away because you don't even need it.
(12:08):
I know all my visitors, so and that could be
a fun activity with your kids, especially since they're six
and three.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Y'all can play bird bingo.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And you every time you identify a bird, it's like
you know a point or or.
Speaker 4 (12:20):
You do it.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Oh, that's actually kind of cool. It's like when you
used to collect the like quarters from every state. Yeah,
you do that.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I didn't, Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I probably tried at one point and then I was like, okay,
I got Texas shit done done all right. Second thing
in her email love eye patches.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Thanks to you. Do you ever get breakouts?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I've been hearing about pimple patches, but have no experience
any thoughts. Well, eye patches, they're totally my jam. I
keep them refrigerator and I wear them all the time
and they do not break me out.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Do they break you out? No, I've never gotten a
breakout from that.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I've gotten breakouts before, but I guess we all have
different skin and that might depend on which ones people
are using.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, and I just get the cheap ones from Amazon,
So try those out. I don't think you'll have a problem.
And I have tried the pimple patches before.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Oh they're there, little clear things.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Okay, So I actually was cleaning out my bathroom and
I found a pack that i'd bought.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
I never tried them.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
But also I think they should come with like a
warning that I think people forget that they have them
on because I've had so many not so many, but
I've had a friend and then a couple of clients,
which is funny, that have come into session. I've been like,
oh my gosh, I forgot that I put these patches
on my face. And a friend we like, went out
to lunch or something. She came back from the bathroom
was like, I forgot that I put these patches all
(13:32):
over my face. Because they're clear, I can't really see them.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
No, I mean, I've worn a mountain pep look before.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Some people just might do it on purpose, So give.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Them a go.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I have no idea for sure, for sure, if they're
really working, but sometimes it's placebo.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
It feels nice to know that you're doing something and there's.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Got to be something in there that's bringing down the
inflammation at least.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Sure, why not?
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Why not?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Third thing I've recently realized I can't do it all.
I have two small kids, one who's waiting on a
appointment in Boston for a newly diagnosed immune deficiency.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
We've been dealing with.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
The passing of my dad among all the other things.
I've recently gone halftime at work so I can support
my kids more. My son goes to school that gets
out much earlier than me and wasn't handling the long
day and hours of the after school program very well.
I love being able to pick him up for a
play date at the playground or off the school bus.
I have a lot of guilt, though, for the kids
(14:25):
in my class who aren't adjusting as well to the
new afternoon teacher, as well as for the fact that
I'm not financially contributing as much as I used to
to our family. I imagine, with all you do, you
can't do all of the things. How do you deal
with that? And this, my friends, is where I bring
in the therapist.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Cat take it away, well, I was thinking about when
you're reading that I recently stopped teaching cycling, and one
of the reasons that I did that it was an
accumulation of a couple things. But one of the reasons
I did that is because I also get stuck in
this space of I get really excited and want to
do everything is where I get and then once you
get into something, then you feel like a responsibility to it,
(15:08):
and I realize I can't do it all, and if
I want to do the things that I'm doing well,
I have to pick and choose because I guess technically
some people might say, well, I can juggle this and
juggle that, and it's like, well, what level are you
really doing it at? Because maybe I have Let's just
use this for an easy example. Maybe there's ten things
that I'm doing, But am I doing all ten of
those things at ten percent so I can all fit
(15:30):
them in? Versus what if I'm doing three things and
I can do all of those things at a much
higher percentage and put much more energy to and I
can actually be more like satisfied with how I'm showing
up in those things because I'm not trying to do everything.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yes, and that feels better to me. And Nikki, that's
who the email's from. You are doing this so that
you can focus more on your kids. And I think
it's great that you're thinking about your kids in the classroom.
That's awesome, but your kids at home this is something.
This is time that is valuable and precious. And I
had to alter the way I worked for my kids
(16:08):
because I wanted to be intentional with that time, and
there was things that I had to move around and
shift and it wasn't fun. But then it's been the
best thing and that's the priority. And there's things I've
let go of financially too. You just have to listen
to yourself and try to figure out what is going
to be best for you and your family. And it
(16:29):
sounds like you've got that figured out. And while you're
not contributing financially, you know, I think your husband probably
sees the value in what you're doing with the other
things and that y'all will be fine.
Speaker 4 (16:41):
Yeah, And I have to add this because I think
this is a part of it, because I think a
lot of people probably feel what you're feeling. That our
culture sends a message a lot of times that we
can do it all. Our culture sends a message that
you can have it all. I've seen become very toxic
for a lot of people that go after that. Mixed
(17:02):
with social media and how people portray them having it
all and doing it all, they're not a lot of
times sending the picture of the inside of their brain
that feels all discombobulated because they're trying to juggle everything.
They're showing the pictures of them succeeding at those things,
so it messes with us. I don't know anybody who
can do everything that they want to do all the
(17:24):
time and.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Do it at a good level. I don't know anybody.
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
H I love that. Thank you for your expertise in
that area. All right, to wrap up the email, she said,
thanks for being y'all and sharing yourselves with us. Your
podcast does make a difference to someone like me just
trying to survive all the things right now, smiley face,
Thanks for reading my ramble. Your friend Niki from Massachusetts.
Shout out Nikki, and shout out rambling. We love a
(17:50):
good ramble. If you ramble, you belong here. That should
be like part of like your tagline.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
If you ramble, you belong Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
If you don't like family for ramblers, yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Kat.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Where can people find you.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
On Instagram at Kat dot Defada and at Union Therapy podcast.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
And that's the Instagram handle.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
But they should also listen to the podcast, which is
you Need Therapy, Yes, and I'm a radio Amy on
Instagram thank you for this episode, and I'm going to
try to do the sign off, which is like, okay,
well that's our show.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Thank you. Did you do it?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's question, it's up in the air.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
People
Happy Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat and welcome to the Fifth Thing.
Today's quote is from the Good Quote on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
That's what the account's called.
Speaker 4 (00:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Oh so it's just full of like good quotes. So
someone had posted and they just reposted them. Things not
to feel guilty about. And I feel like I've seen
this from multiple people, so it's nothing brand new, but
it's a great reminder. Like I always like to say,
keep it in your back pocket for when you need it,
but things.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Not to feel guilty about.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
For not responding immediately to somebody, how do you feel
about that?
Speaker 3 (00:39):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
For being really good at something, they can't hear.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
You with your Oh sorry, I was trying to make
a noise because I just opened my I want to
talk about that, but keep going.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
For saying no to things that don't feel good to you,
for taking a break, and then for standing up for yourself.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Okay, read the second one again.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
For being really good at something.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Okay, I love that because I don't think i've ever
heard somebody say you don't have to feel guilty about
being good at something.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
But I also feel I want to know your feelings
on this.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
I get this sense that like we're not allowed to
like compliment ourselves and we're not allowed to like put
out there that we are good at something because it
feels like egotistical or narcissistic or something like that.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
Do you feel that way?
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I think I have because I downplace sometimes what I
do or my different skill sets because I'm like, oh,
I'm not as good as that person, or oh I
don't want to. But in the last year or so,
as I've been trying to look at like where i
want to go with my career and where I'm focusing
my energy and what I'm doing, I'm like, Okay, I'm
good at this, But I do feel more confident in
(01:44):
my work and what I'm doing and feeling okay with
saying out loud I'm good at that. Yeah, And it
actually gives me confidence going into certain things. I'm good
at this, and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go
out there and I'm gonna kill it.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
Yeah. And a lot of times people are good at
things because they've worked really hard at them, and we
should be allowed to celebrate that.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Right.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Yeah, Okay, I really like that was a good one.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
You're a good therapist. Well, thank you, You're welcome, especially
in your field.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Yeah, well your speciality field in the mental health field.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Mental health disorders.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yeah, yeah, it's okay to acknowledge that, Like, yeah, I'm
good at what I do because I work really hard
at getting here.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
How do you feel about not responding immediately?
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Okay, So funny story.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
I was listening to a podcast on the way to
your house and they were talking about getting these messages
like that kind of like shock, you like out of
the blue, and how there's this like feeling where we
have to respond right away because there's all this emotion,
but the best thing you can do is like sit.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
There and really think through your response.
Speaker 4 (02:45):
So it kind of makes me think of that because
I think a lot of times when somebody reaches out,
we put our brains on their timeline versus our timeline.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Does that make sense? Yeah? Absolutely so.
Speaker 4 (02:56):
Yeah, if we need space to think, or maybe we're
busy and we don't have time, I'm to react to that,
It's okay.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
My thing is I want to make sure, and I'm
getting better at it, is not losing the text and
then forgetting completely to reply, because I do that a
lot of text messages I get come in on weekday
mornings and I'm doing the Bobby Bone Show. It might
be a song break, so I might be engaging, but
as I'm trying to focus more at my job and realize, like, Okay, yes,
(03:25):
have I had ADHD since I was a child, Yes,
But some of my stuff is my own doing, like
having my phone out and my computer out, And then
I get squirrel like I'm doing the show and then
I'm like, oh, do come in? And I start doing this,
and then I get in trouble for not focusing at work.
And while I can say, oh, but you know me,
(03:45):
I've adb.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Like that's not cutting it. I'm working on that.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
I'm doing certain things to improve parts of my brain,
and I'm seeing it happen. But what's also very aware
to me is I have a choice of what distractions
can I have around me. So a lot of times
I've been keeping my computer shut or my phone down,
But songbreak, I might bust it out. But song break,
I might see your text, But then that song's only
three minutes long, and I don't know yet if I've
(04:10):
had time to reply. And then I put my phone
down and I don't pick it up for another two
hours because I'm focusing, and then I forget to go
back because more texts have come in. Do you know
what I mean?
Speaker 4 (04:20):
Okay, yes, And I'm so glad you're saying this because
it gives me context of talking to you, because sometimes
you do respond right away and it's like boom boom boom,
boom boom, and then you don't respond dark and then
two days later you're like, oh my gosh. Yes, but
that's why I hate that though, But that is also
(04:40):
helpful to know that that's what you're doing. The other
thing though, because like, what is the solution to not
read it until you have time and space. I do
that and then I end up having like fifty unread
text messages, and then I have too much anxiety to
go back and read all of them, so they still
get ignored.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
So I don't know what the solution here is.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Well, some people say that that batch is the way
to go, like you should batch your text, batch your
emails like at two thirty. But then I'm like, well,
what if you get a text at you know, eleven am.
That's important and you need to check your text messages,
but it's not your text message time. But maybe you
have an emergency, you have certain people labeled that can
get through. But then if it's not, is it really
an emergency. So if two thirty to three is text
(05:21):
messages or maybe two to three if you need that long,
then that's when you boom boo boom, knock it all out.
And then same thing with emails some people if their
job allows it, which everybody has a different type of
career that allows different things. But Lisa Haim, who's our friend,
she's got a podcast to Truthiest Life. Kat and I
are both friends with her, but she does emails and
(05:43):
she has an automatic reply that if you email her,
it'll say I only check emails Monday, Wednesday, Friday or
whatever the days are.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And that's the boundary she had to set for herself,
and she can sit down on those a lot of
days and really focus her energy to the email instead
of every day being like boomo to the emails. Now again,
her career allows her to do that, but just something
you consider.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
Yeah, I like, I really do like her automated email.
I wanted to do that, but I don't think it
would fit with my job.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, No, you know, have more of a you have
a different job, which to you, could you know, ping
me in between clients and then you go that's dark
for an hour, and then sometimes maybe I don't hear
from you for like three days, and I'm like, what's
wrong with Kat?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Just kidding? I don't I do that, But that's what
I'm working.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I'm working on being able to make sure I carve
out the time to go back and make sure that
I've replied to everybody. And then another thing that I'm
doing at night to be more present at home is
I used to kind of just have no boundaries or
rules with my phone. If it was seven o'clock, it
didn't matter. I'd have my phone out, Instagram, whatever, eight o'clock,
eight pm, but right before bed. And now I still
(06:50):
dabble in that because I mean, things just naturally draw
you to your phone at times. But I would say
my on average now is I'm not near my phone
at night, and I just put it down and I
either put it on my charger and I am present
with the kids. I make sure my show prep is
done at a certain time. I used to be like
willy nilly with that. I'm like, I get to that later.
(07:12):
So now I've set my own personal boundary of like
I'm trying to get all my work done by three
thirty four o'clock.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Some days it doesn't happen. It's just not possible.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
But I used to not operate on any sort of schedule,
and it would be nine pm and I'd be running
up to my podcast room to try to write the
description or shoot even record a podcast that was due
for the next day. And now I have a flow,
I have organization, I have interviews pre scheduled, I have
a calendar. I abide by it, and it's like, oh yeah,
in that not much time. I've got my time to
(07:43):
get my show prep done and do a podcast interview
probably for the coming weeks, or have phone calls or
zooms or meetings that I need to have, but it's
limited when I do connect with friends or people, which
has got to be in the car. But then sometimes
I have to be on the phone with kids, teachers,
or different phone calls we have for them when I'm driving,
and then I'm not really alone. And some friends I
(08:04):
want a little bit of alone time when I'm talking
to them. So it's just making sure that I connect
in some ways. And I don't like being that person
that's like, hey, can you talk at like three o'clock?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
But well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
It just feels weird to have to schedule that out,
but I guess it's I have to care my friends.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
I've literally been playing phone tag to an extent with
a friend trying to schedule a phone call because our
lives are busy. So I don't think there's anything wrong
with that. Kay, good, thank you. I don't even know
how we got here though.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
The quote, yeah, it's been about ten minutes or so.
But yeah for not responding immediately, yeah, yes, and don't
take offense to it. That's one thing that I used
to think, Oh my gosh, you're they mad at me,
and really it has nothing to.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Do with you, or they don't care about me.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
And that's a lot of times in life. They could
be focusing on their kids. They could have new boundaries
with their phone, which again, that's what it has come
down to for me, especially at night. I want to
hang out with my kids. I want to have meaningful
dinner around the table, which we don't all ways do that,
but we've had dinner around the table more this year
than we ever have in the four years that we've
(09:05):
been parents, and I see a difference in my kids
when that happens. But no guilt if you can't make
that happen, because honestly, I don't know how. Some people
make it happen all the time with the kids in
their schedules and everybody's different all the time. And you know,
so she was about to be in high school, it's
gonna be even worse.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
And wait, is she in eighth grade?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Yeah, she's going into ninth grade next year, and she's
gonna feel well. She's fifteen now, and she's going to
start driving soon or at least her learner's permit. I
feel crazy because I don't want her to get old.
I feel very hard. I feel sad, and I want
her to stop growing. Like I walked past her in
the hall at home the other day and I was like,
(09:42):
who are you? Where is the little girl that once was?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Who is this girl in the house?
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Who is this girl?
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
I do have an email that I want to get into. Hey, Amy,
longtime listener, second time emailer. My kids are six and
three and we also listen to the Bobby Bone Show.
They chant Bobby Bones every morning until I turn it
on it's hilarious, But anyway, I feel like we may
have been in a similar season and I can connect
with you and a lot that you share. I was
wondering a few things. First thing, what kind of bird
(10:24):
seed do you recommend? I recently put up a bird
feeder around my house and now I'm obsessed.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
My dad passed away a little over a year ago.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
And there is one cardinal that hangs around in a
tree where my three year old daughter says, Grandpa hangs out.
Keep in mind, we moved and my dad has never
been to our new house. I know kids connect with
spirits easier than adults, so who knows. I just want
my new bird loves to have some yummy food when
they come to visit. Also, if you have any recommendations
about the different kinds of feeders or a field guide
(10:53):
for identifying different types, I'd love to hear it.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Just tell me all the things.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, Well, first, I would say your local pet stores
will have a bird seat and you can just get
wild bird seed some that can be specific to your area.
One thing that I've thrown into my feeder to attract
birds is peanuts in the shell. They can crack it
so you're good, like those hole in the shell peanuts,
like how they come.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Yeah, yeah, when you said peanut in the shell, I
got it right away.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
You're very smart. You're very You're very good at what
you do.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
You're very educated. I know what a peanut is.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So that's where you can start. With bird seed, or
you can order some wild bird seed off of Amazon.
I personally like just wooden square feeders. It doesn't really
even matter the brand. Everyone has different price points, but
minor just wooden blocks, like a little mesh thing and
then a tray. And I just dumped the seed out,
and I've got like a wire rod thing sticking in
my yard and I hang the feeders on that and
(11:47):
they come and they visit me by my window, and
it's great. And when it comes to identifying birds, you
can order charts off Amazon too. When my mother in
law was staying with us a few weeks ago, she said, oh,
where's your I want to identify this bird. I said, oh,
I know what that is. You don't need the chart,
and now I just, oh, wow, heard the birds. I
put the chart away because you don't even need it.
(12:08):
I know all my visitors, so and that could be
a fun activity with your kids, especially since they're six
and three.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Y'all can play bird bingo.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
And you every time you identify a bird, it's like
you know a point or or.
Speaker 4 (12:20):
You do it.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
Oh, that's actually kind of cool. It's like when you
used to collect the like quarters from every state. Yeah,
you do that.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I didn't, Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I probably tried at one point and then I was like, okay,
I got Texas shit done done all right. Second thing
in her email love eye patches.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Thanks to you. Do you ever get breakouts?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
I've been hearing about pimple patches, but have no experience
any thoughts. Well, eye patches, they're totally my jam. I
keep them refrigerator and I wear them all the time
and they do not break me out.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Do they break you out? No, I've never gotten a
breakout from that.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I've gotten breakouts before, but I guess we all have
different skin and that might depend on which ones people
are using.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, and I just get the cheap ones from Amazon,
So try those out. I don't think you'll have a problem.
And I have tried the pimple patches before.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Oh they're there, little clear things.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Okay, So I actually was cleaning out my bathroom and
I found a pack that i'd bought.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
I never tried them.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
But also I think they should come with like a
warning that I think people forget that they have them
on because I've had so many not so many, but
I've had a friend and then a couple of clients,
which is funny, that have come into session. I've been like,
oh my gosh, I forgot that I put these patches
on my face. And a friend we like, went out
to lunch or something. She came back from the bathroom
was like, I forgot that I put these patches all
(13:32):
over my face. Because they're clear, I can't really see them.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
No, I mean, I've worn a mountain pep look before.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Some people just might do it on purpose, So give.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Them a go.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I have no idea for sure, for sure, if they're
really working, but sometimes it's placebo.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
It feels nice to know that you're doing something and there's.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Got to be something in there that's bringing down the
inflammation at least.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
Sure, why not?
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Why not?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Third thing I've recently realized I can't do it all.
I have two small kids, one who's waiting on a
appointment in Boston for a newly diagnosed immune deficiency.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
We've been dealing with.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
The passing of my dad among all the other things.
I've recently gone halftime at work so I can support
my kids more. My son goes to school that gets
out much earlier than me and wasn't handling the long
day and hours of the after school program very well.
I love being able to pick him up for a
play date at the playground or off the school bus.
I have a lot of guilt, though, for the kids
(14:25):
in my class who aren't adjusting as well to the
new afternoon teacher, as well as for the fact that
I'm not financially contributing as much as I used to
to our family. I imagine, with all you do, you
can't do all of the things. How do you deal
with that? And this, my friends, is where I bring
in the therapist.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Cat take it away, well, I was thinking about when
you're reading that I recently stopped teaching cycling, and one
of the reasons that I did that it was an
accumulation of a couple things. But one of the reasons
I did that is because I also get stuck in
this space of I get really excited and want to
do everything is where I get and then once you
get into something, then you feel like a responsibility to it,
(15:08):
and I realize I can't do it all, and if
I want to do the things that I'm doing well,
I have to pick and choose because I guess technically
some people might say, well, I can juggle this and
juggle that, and it's like, well, what level are you
really doing it at? Because maybe I have Let's just
use this for an easy example. Maybe there's ten things
that I'm doing, But am I doing all ten of
those things at ten percent so I can all fit
(15:30):
them in? Versus what if I'm doing three things and
I can do all of those things at a much
higher percentage and put much more energy to and I
can actually be more like satisfied with how I'm showing
up in those things because I'm not trying to do everything.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yes, and that feels better to me. And Nikki, that's
who the email's from. You are doing this so that
you can focus more on your kids. And I think
it's great that you're thinking about your kids in the classroom.
That's awesome, but your kids at home this is something.
This is time that is valuable and precious. And I
had to alter the way I worked for my kids
(16:08):
because I wanted to be intentional with that time, and
there was things that I had to move around and
shift and it wasn't fun. But then it's been the
best thing and that's the priority. And there's things I've
let go of financially too. You just have to listen
to yourself and try to figure out what is going
to be best for you and your family. And it
(16:29):
sounds like you've got that figured out. And while you're
not contributing financially, you know, I think your husband probably
sees the value in what you're doing with the other
things and that y'all will be fine.
Speaker 4 (16:41):
Yeah, And I have to add this because I think
this is a part of it, because I think a
lot of people probably feel what you're feeling. That our
culture sends a message a lot of times that we
can do it all. Our culture sends a message that
you can have it all. I've seen become very toxic
for a lot of people that go after that. Mixed
(17:02):
with social media and how people portray them having it
all and doing it all, they're not a lot of
times sending the picture of the inside of their brain
that feels all discombobulated because they're trying to juggle everything.
They're showing the pictures of them succeeding at those things,
so it messes with us. I don't know anybody who
can do everything that they want to do all the
(17:24):
time and.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Do it at a good level. I don't know anybody.
So there you go.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
H I love that. Thank you for your expertise in
that area. All right, to wrap up the email, she said,
thanks for being y'all and sharing yourselves with us. Your
podcast does make a difference to someone like me just
trying to survive all the things right now, smiley face,
Thanks for reading my ramble. Your friend Niki from Massachusetts.
Shout out Nikki, and shout out rambling. We love a
(17:50):
good ramble. If you ramble, you belong here. That should
be like part of like your tagline.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
If you ramble, you belong Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
If you don't like family for ramblers, yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Kat.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Where can people find you.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
On Instagram at Kat dot Defada and at Union Therapy podcast.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
And that's the Instagram handle.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
But they should also listen to the podcast, which is
you Need Therapy, Yes, and I'm a radio Amy on
Instagram thank you for this episode, and I'm going to
try to do the sign off, which is like, okay,
well that's our show.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Thank you. Did you do it?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's question, it's up in the air.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
People
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