October 14, 2023 • 18 mins
OUTWEIGH: Amy and Leanne are here for PART 1 of the 5-part Self-Image series called "Do You Know Your True Value and Worth?", where they take a deep dive into the concept of "Self Acceptance".
This is often the most challenging aspect of our Self-Image to grasp, because many of us are so focused on our flaws, shortcomings, and past mistakes... so accepting ourselves feels foreign.
Amy and Leanne walk you through practical ways to practice true self-acceptance when it comes to embracing yourself without exception, without shame, blame, guilt, or self-rejection, and without comparison-itus or perfectionism.
It's about accepting yourself as you are right now, 'warts' and all, without waiting to achieve certain goals to feel that way. This is so much easier said than done, and that's why they break it down in easy-to-digest baby steps that will meet you where you are in your own self-acceptance journey.
HOST: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
HOST: Leanne Ellington // @leanneellington // StresslessEating.com
To learn more about re-wiring your brain to heal from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting yourself, punishing your body, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) check out Leanne's FREE Stressless Eating Webinar @ www.StresslessEating.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm learning love who I am again. I'm strong, I
feel free, I know every part of me. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
And that will always out way if you feel it,
but you are, She'll some love to the view.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Take you one day? And did you and die out way?
Speaker 4 (00:35):
Happy Saturday outweigh Amy here and Leanne and we have
a question for you. We're starting a five part series
on self image, and Leanne has the five the five ingredients,
but we'll start off with a question of do you
know your true value and worth?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Like, really do you?
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Because I feel as though there's times in my life
where already be like, sure I know my worth, and
then if I were to really break it down and
assess it, I had very little self worth. And I
think if we're honest with ourselves at times, and I'm
sure Leanne, it's it can be a roller coaster, but
the goal would be to have more days knowing our
value and worth than not.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Absolutely, it's not this straight line trajectory. And you know,
this is a topic that I love to talk about
and really this is what got me obsessing over studying
the female brain and self image.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
And it's like, what makes us see.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And perceive ourselves the way that we do, and why
do our brains play tricks on us?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Like why do we do what we do?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And for me, this started with the question of like,
why did I just lose one hundred pounds and make
over my body but I still feel fat? And I
put fat in air quotes because that was my self image,
But I still felt unworthy and unlovable and undesirable and
fill in the blank. And why didn't my mind and
my brain and my self image play catch up with
what was going on in my physical appearance? And that's
(01:55):
why I became obsessed with researching and understanding the intricacies
of the female self image because you know, as as
we've talked about before, I struggled and suffered with food
and my body image and self image for decades and
the world really was throwing more diets at this deeper problem.
And you know, the stuff that we're going to talk
about on this series, it's not really taught in the
mainstream and it's not made readily available to women. And
(02:18):
that's why I'm so purposeful about talking about this, but
you know, I I distilled it into this five ingredient
recipe that we're going to talk about over the next
five weeks. That I believe that when you combine these
ingredients correctly, it is going to lead to a healed
self image and truly feeling worthiness down in your bones,
like not this ambiguous like just love yourself the way
(02:40):
you are, kind of fake positivity that a lot of
us are getting from Instagram or the mainstream, you know,
but really taking it looking at it as this this
you know, kind of scientific, systematic approach, And honestly, it's
one of those things like when everything feels out of control,
how we feel about ourselves actually is the one thing
that we can influence. And for me, this all started
(03:03):
because I realized I was saying things like self love
and worthiness, but I never really defined it and how
can you go reach for something that you don't know
what it is? And I found it was an ambiguous
definition for a lot of the women that I was
working with as well. So really, if you want to
look at it, the next few weeks is about defining
what worthiness and value is to you. And you know,
(03:24):
if you maybe are listening to this, there's a good
possibility that you maybe picked up the same storyline or
learned the same thing that I learn, which is that
accepting yourself meant that you could accept yourself when you,
you know, lost the weight or earn more money or
cross that proverbial finish line. Or maybe you learned that
taking care of yourself meant either meticulously, you know, tracking
(03:45):
and monitoring your weight or your food intake or your
calorie expenditure, or judging, comparing and criticizing yourself when you
weren't doing those things, you know, Or maybe you learned
that your self esteem was determined by how much you
stacked up against those around you right, Or maybe you
learn that your self worth was something that was based
on the number on the scale or the number in
your bank account or some other golden carrot that you
(04:08):
thought you were air quotes supposed to achieve, or that
your ability to endorse and be proud of yourself was
based on what you thought other people thought about you,
Or maybe it was like for me, it was pretty
much nonexistent that, like, you know, standing in my gifts
and my talents and extraordinariosities which is made up word
that I just made up, you know, was bragging or
unlady like. And so these are really the five ingredients
(04:31):
that we're going to walk you through over the next
five weeks to just really give you the ability to
take ownership and influence an agency over your true definition
of self love and self worth because it's something that
I truly believe we all need to define.
Speaker 4 (04:45):
And so here in week one we're covering self acceptance,
and then week two will be self care, week three
self esteem, week four self worth, and week five self endorsement.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
And I love that you use the word ingredients.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
I just made pancakes this morning for my So let's
say we're whipping up a batch of pancakes and by
week five the pancakes should be ready to go. And
I know that you said if you feel as though
after people listen to this that okay, they'll be set
up and they'll be on the path of knowing their
(05:19):
true value and worth or at least having a definition
for it so that they even know what they're what
they're looking for. But I will say, it's not just
gonna because you listen to this, and then week five,
it's not whila. You know when you're making pancakes, you
have to pay attention. You have to flip, you can
easily burn them. You have to make sure the center
is cooked. It might end up being wrong. So there's
details I think that we need to pay attention to
(05:41):
past week five obviously, So look at all the work
that you're doing after you gain all of this information
as the flipping of the pancake, and then eventually you're
going to get to put syrup on and enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, and sometimes you burn them and sometimes you got
to throw away a match, you know. But that's a
really good distinction to bring up. This isn't a one
and done conversation. I'm constantly tweaking my own recipe, and
I think it really just going into it knowing that
it is a lifelong conversation. But what I will say
about it is, you know, we talk about awareness. Awareness
like having the ability to become aware of something that
(06:13):
you weren't currently aware of before. And I do believe
what I will say with certainty is that just becoming
aware of these ingredients and seeing them through this new lens,
it is enough to start really redirecting your brain in
that direction so that you can start building the pathways.
Get that as I call it, air attention, intension, and repetition, Like,
(06:34):
nothing is going to become who you are until you
practice it and your nervous system learns it. So this
is really going to get those pathways going and really
start seeding this in your brain. But yeah, it is
a lifelong practice, but these are the conversations that will
get you started and get on that journey and really
take you in that new trajectory.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Because if you are going down.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
The road of you know, shame, blame, guilt, comparisonitis, lack
of self worth, you know, outsourcing yourself worth, all those things,
that doesn't stop until you actually shift it. So this
could be day one of this new conversation.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Okay, so let's start with self acceptance first. Ingredient, just
pulled it out of the pantry.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Right, It's the first one that we start with because
I've found this is the hardest one for us because
most of us are walking around straight up rejecting ourselves
or looking for reasons why we're not good enough, we're
not worthy, all.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Of those things.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
So you know, first, like I said, let's define it, right,
So there's a couple of sides of self acceptance that
I think are super important.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
First is this idea of accepting.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yourself as you are, warts and all right, but without
all of that shame, blame, guilt, comparisonitis, perfectionism, self condemnation,
all of that. And that is the tricky part, right,
because so I know for me it was like, oh,
I accept myself well except for that part of me,
or I accept myself except for that part I hope
nobody ever finds out, or like, when I lose the weight,
(07:57):
then I'll accept myself. And there's all these conditions, right,
So what would it look like for you to just
accept you as you are?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Right? And here's the big distinction. You do not have
to like it. Right.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I'm not saying like, oh joy to the world, I
all of a sudden love the things I've been rejecting
and not accepting. But if you want to pass through
into that sphere of self love and self worth and
self acceptance, I believe the first thing you have to
pass through is just accepting where you are without shaming it,
(08:30):
blaming it, guilting yourself comparison itis. Because what's the alternative
where you are right now? First of all, where you
are is not who you are right It doesn't mean
that that's who you are and where you're going to stay,
but where you are right now and what's led you
up until now, and who you've been and who you
haven't been, and the things that air quotes failed or
didn't work out or whatever right or your comparison to
(08:50):
where you think you should be where you are right now,
it has already taken place. It's in the past. So
shaming it, blaming it, comparing yourself it's not going to
change where you are right now. And again, you don't
have to like it, But that's where I invite you
to just start accepting where you are right now, even
when you don't like it, and just acknowledge that, Okay,
this is what's happening now. Who do I want to
(09:11):
be in the face of it? And one of my
favorite quotes on this is when you argue with reality,
you suffer, and Byron Katie said it, when you argue
with reality, you suffer. So the opposite of accepting yourself
is arguing with reality and creating your own suffering, saying, man,
I wish this didn't happen. I wish I wasn't here
right now. I wish I didn't weigh what I weigh
right now. I wish, you know, I didn't have these circumstances.
And it's like, well, you it is right now, this
(09:33):
is what's happening. And so the sooner we can accept it,
the sooner we can actually move through it and become
who we want to be in the face of it
and actually transform it. But you're not going to be
able to transform it when you're shaming it, blaming it,
comparing it, wishing it wasn't so. And so the first
layer of self acceptance is really just the acceptance piece
of the puzzle. Again, you have permission not to like
(09:55):
it right, but just accepting it without all of that
that drama, the shame or wishing it wasn't so, arguing
with reality and causing more suffering around it.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
I think that denial is something we've all danced with,
oh yeah, in our lives. Like I know, there's plenty
of times I have been in denial, and so awareness awareness.
I mean, I'm even taking this in and thinking of
times you know, where you say in private how you
feel or act or do, and then what you present
(10:31):
is that lining up?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Is it matching?
Speaker 4 (10:33):
Are you in integrity with where you want to go,
where you want to be, and I feel like there's
times where I haven't been and that's when I was
suffering the most. And there are times where I sort
of there was denial, but there was also the numbing.
So then there was also I didn't have the bandwidth
(10:54):
to be aware because I was blocking it all out,
you know. I just was like, Yeah, this isn't really happening,
this is not reality. And so I'm super excited to
dive more into these things. And yes, step one it
might seem really simple of like, oh yeah, duh, I
need to accept myself. But once you start paying attention,
(11:16):
I think it'll be shocked at how many times you
are in denial or you are ignoring, like huge flags
that are totally right in front of your face. But
sometimes it's you don't see it until you see it
and then you can't unsee it.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Hopefully.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Absolutely, No.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
You bring up such a good point, because the cost
of not accepting and living in that non reality you
mention it. We all have coping mechanisms. I've used them all,
you know what I mean, food, netflix, wine, you name it.
And when we're numbing it doesn't. It doesn't go away,
and it just further contributes to us not accepting and
living in a non reality. And like you said, we
(11:55):
create our suffering in that by just and often dealing
with it and just acknowledging it is so much easier
than not but we just think it's easier to avoid it,
distract it, numb it out, and so it keeps us
down that spiral. And that's why we need to have
these conversations that enlighten us and give us that awareness.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
So if someone were to have a conversation, like with
their friend or a coworker or a spouse about self
acceptance and maybe digging a little deeper into it, what's
a conversation starter in your mind that they could, you know,
sit down and have an honest Like if I was
still married, I could see myself sitting down with Ben
(12:32):
and being like, Hey, do you think I accept myself?
Or do you think you accept yourself? And then there's
now you have a partner in this, And of course
there's a lot of work for you to do on
your own, but if you do have a friend or
a significant other, or you want to talk to your
teenager about self acceptance, which, by the way, if you
are raising kids, they're paying attention to exactly how you
(12:54):
treat yourself.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
And a fact as a person. Yeah, they're absorbing.
Speaker 4 (12:59):
It and eye I have to pay attention to that.
With my sixteen and a half year old daughter, I
know she's watching all kinds of things and seeing how
I talk to myself and how I behave and how
I treat myself. So that's very important to me to
model to her because I.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Don't want her to.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
I mean, we're all going to make mistakes, and of
course she's going to, but I guess I just don't
want her to pick up certain things from me that
are going to impact her down the line. Although it's
inevitable if you're a parent, we're not going to have
right perfect days. But if someone were to sit down
with insert whomever and have a conversation about self acceptance,
what would you say?
Speaker 1 (13:36):
I mean, the first thing I would invite people into
is like, you can't love what you don't accept. You
can't properly care for and take care of and be
emotionally available to that which you don't accept.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So a prompt that I do on a regular basis is.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
I'll write at the top of a piece of paper,
where am I arguing with reality? And it just becomes
so clear, like, where am I arguing with reality? Well,
I'm wishing that this wasn't so, or I'm wish that
I wasn't here I'm thinking about X and wishing it
didn't happen or shaming myself for it. But it's already so,
you know, and like when you look at it through
that those goggles like where am I not accepting what's
(14:11):
really happening and not dealing with it? That would be
the first step because then you're just literally like bringing
your logic and reason brain.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Back to the data of it.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
But this also brings up really like the another side
of self acceptance that I feel like isn't talked about,
which is, you know, I think there's a lot of
you know, thought processes out there that's like, oh, just
accept yourself and love yourself no matter what. And I
do believe that that is great to an extent, but
it can also make us feel a little bit guilty
(14:40):
or cause us to feel like am I doing something wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
That I'm struggling with.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
This, and that if we do want to you know,
up level our lives in any area of our lives.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
It makes us feel or it has the.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Potential to make us feel bad, because it's like, wait
a minute, I'm hearing I'm supposed to love myself no
matter what, and so here's what I say to that
piece of it, Like, there are elements of your life,
ways of being, or habits or tendencies that you might
have that you're allowed to say, you know what, I
accept myself, but I also no longer want to accept
this as my default, and I want to up level.
(15:12):
And I want to draw a line in the sand
and say, listen, what you've been doing up until now
is fine. I'm not shaving it, but I no longer
want this to be who I am. I want to
up level, and giving yourself permission to up level, but
obviously not at the expense of your health, not the
expense of your happiness, and without going into that self rejection.
But I think giving yourself permission to see the difference
between like no longer accepting certain ways of being that
(15:35):
might be toxic or not healthy for you does not
mean that you don't accept yourself. But that's where it's
extra important to go back to the flip side of acceptance,
which is accepting the reality without adding in your own
shame story, your own blame story, and I think they
go hand in hand. So in answer to your question,
the first thing I would be, I would just like,
take an audit and this might change every day. Take
(15:55):
an audit of where you're just not accepting reality and
you are creating your own suffering. But then the flip side,
where are you not like saying, Listen, I love myself
and I accept myself, but I also want to up
level and this is really important, and I'm drawing that
line in the sand, and I'm radically committed to becoming
the version of myself that no longer struggles with this,
or the version of myself that has overcome this, and
(16:16):
focusing on that too, and giving yourself permission to accept
yourself and want to up level without feeling guilty about that.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
Okay, where am I arguing with reality? So that's either
something you can do as a journal prompt and work
through it daily, yeah, at least once a week, just
do regular check ins. Or if you've got a friend
or a partner you're doing this, you can share with
each other, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Where are you arguing?
Speaker 4 (16:40):
With reality today or this is what I'm noticing in
me and just I feel like having someone to talk to,
even if it is your journal, is going to be
beneficial over this five week course. So thank you for
that prompt, Land, where am I arguing with reality?
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Now?
Speaker 4 (16:59):
Next week going to be talking about self care, so
that will load up next Saturday and perfect it'll be
on the weekend so you can do some self care
for yourself, which looks so different for every single person.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Absolutely, I'll just say that what is.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Self care for me is not going to be what's
the same for Leanne, which is not going to be
the same for you. But it's just again finding the
definition defining that for yourself so that you have a
guide and you can move towards knowing your true value
and knowing your true worth, which is the question do
you really know it? Because that's the goal we all
want to So Leanne, where can people find you?
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Everything you need to know is over on Leannellington dot com.
You can find me also at Leannellington on Instagram. And
if you want to take a deep dive into how
to rewire your female brain for freedom and peace of
mind and self image, you can find my free masterclass
over there as well.
Speaker 4 (17:53):
And I am at Radio Amy on Socials, which Leanne
I'm going to also throw out. She has a new podcast,
it's been up about a month or so, What's God Got.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
To Do with It? It loads up every Tuesday.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Definitely recommend that you check that out, even if you're
like I don't really know how I feel about God.
It's not just that although Lianne is someone who recently
discovered her faith, Well, I'll let you get to know
Liane and her journey by listening to it, but just
know that it's a safe space for whatever you're exploring.
(18:26):
And I love that question too of what's God got
to do with it? So thank you Liane, and all right,
we'll see you all next Saturday for self care.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Bye bye
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I'm learning love who I am again. I'm strong, I
feel free, I know every part of me. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
And that will always out way if you feel it,
but you are, She'll some love to the view.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Take you one day? And did you and die out way?
Speaker 4 (00:35):
Happy Saturday outweigh Amy here and Leanne and we have
a question for you. We're starting a five part series
on self image, and Leanne has the five the five ingredients,
but we'll start off with a question of do you
know your true value and worth?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Like, really do you?
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Because I feel as though there's times in my life
where already be like, sure I know my worth, and
then if I were to really break it down and
assess it, I had very little self worth. And I
think if we're honest with ourselves at times, and I'm
sure Leanne, it's it can be a roller coaster, but
the goal would be to have more days knowing our
value and worth than not.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Absolutely, it's not this straight line trajectory. And you know,
this is a topic that I love to talk about
and really this is what got me obsessing over studying
the female brain and self image.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
And it's like, what makes us see.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And perceive ourselves the way that we do, and why
do our brains play tricks on us?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Like why do we do what we do?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
And for me, this started with the question of like,
why did I just lose one hundred pounds and make
over my body but I still feel fat? And I
put fat in air quotes because that was my self image,
But I still felt unworthy and unlovable and undesirable and
fill in the blank. And why didn't my mind and
my brain and my self image play catch up with
what was going on in my physical appearance? And that's
(01:55):
why I became obsessed with researching and understanding the intricacies
of the female self image because you know, as as
we've talked about before, I struggled and suffered with food
and my body image and self image for decades and
the world really was throwing more diets at this deeper problem.
And you know, the stuff that we're going to talk
about on this series, it's not really taught in the
mainstream and it's not made readily available to women. And
(02:18):
that's why I'm so purposeful about talking about this, but
you know, I I distilled it into this five ingredient
recipe that we're going to talk about over the next
five weeks. That I believe that when you combine these
ingredients correctly, it is going to lead to a healed
self image and truly feeling worthiness down in your bones,
like not this ambiguous like just love yourself the way
(02:40):
you are, kind of fake positivity that a lot of
us are getting from Instagram or the mainstream, you know,
but really taking it looking at it as this this
you know, kind of scientific, systematic approach, And honestly, it's
one of those things like when everything feels out of control,
how we feel about ourselves actually is the one thing
that we can influence. And for me, this all started
(03:03):
because I realized I was saying things like self love
and worthiness, but I never really defined it and how
can you go reach for something that you don't know
what it is? And I found it was an ambiguous
definition for a lot of the women that I was
working with as well. So really, if you want to
look at it, the next few weeks is about defining
what worthiness and value is to you. And you know,
(03:24):
if you maybe are listening to this, there's a good
possibility that you maybe picked up the same storyline or
learned the same thing that I learn, which is that
accepting yourself meant that you could accept yourself when you,
you know, lost the weight or earn more money or
cross that proverbial finish line. Or maybe you learned that
taking care of yourself meant either meticulously, you know, tracking
(03:45):
and monitoring your weight or your food intake or your
calorie expenditure, or judging, comparing and criticizing yourself when you
weren't doing those things, you know, Or maybe you learned
that your self esteem was determined by how much you
stacked up against those around you right, Or maybe you
learn that your self worth was something that was based
on the number on the scale or the number in
your bank account or some other golden carrot that you
(04:08):
thought you were air quotes supposed to achieve, or that
your ability to endorse and be proud of yourself was
based on what you thought other people thought about you,
Or maybe it was like for me, it was pretty
much nonexistent that, like, you know, standing in my gifts
and my talents and extraordinariosities which is made up word
that I just made up, you know, was bragging or
unlady like. And so these are really the five ingredients
(04:31):
that we're going to walk you through over the next
five weeks to just really give you the ability to
take ownership and influence an agency over your true definition
of self love and self worth because it's something that
I truly believe we all need to define.
Speaker 4 (04:45):
And so here in week one we're covering self acceptance,
and then week two will be self care, week three
self esteem, week four self worth, and week five self endorsement.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
And I love that you use the word ingredients.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
I just made pancakes this morning for my So let's
say we're whipping up a batch of pancakes and by
week five the pancakes should be ready to go. And
I know that you said if you feel as though
after people listen to this that okay, they'll be set
up and they'll be on the path of knowing their
(05:19):
true value and worth or at least having a definition
for it so that they even know what they're what
they're looking for. But I will say, it's not just
gonna because you listen to this, and then week five,
it's not whila. You know when you're making pancakes, you
have to pay attention. You have to flip, you can
easily burn them. You have to make sure the center
is cooked. It might end up being wrong. So there's
details I think that we need to pay attention to
(05:41):
past week five obviously, So look at all the work
that you're doing after you gain all of this information
as the flipping of the pancake, and then eventually you're
going to get to put syrup on and enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, and sometimes you burn them and sometimes you got
to throw away a match, you know. But that's a
really good distinction to bring up. This isn't a one
and done conversation. I'm constantly tweaking my own recipe, and
I think it really just going into it knowing that
it is a lifelong conversation. But what I will say
about it is, you know, we talk about awareness. Awareness
like having the ability to become aware of something that
(06:13):
you weren't currently aware of before. And I do believe
what I will say with certainty is that just becoming
aware of these ingredients and seeing them through this new lens,
it is enough to start really redirecting your brain in
that direction so that you can start building the pathways.
Get that as I call it, air attention, intension, and repetition, Like,
(06:34):
nothing is going to become who you are until you
practice it and your nervous system learns it. So this
is really going to get those pathways going and really
start seeding this in your brain. But yeah, it is
a lifelong practice, but these are the conversations that will
get you started and get on that journey and really
take you in that new trajectory.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Because if you are going down.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
The road of you know, shame, blame, guilt, comparisonitis, lack
of self worth, you know, outsourcing yourself worth, all those things,
that doesn't stop until you actually shift it. So this
could be day one of this new conversation.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Okay, so let's start with self acceptance first. Ingredient, just
pulled it out of the pantry.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Right, It's the first one that we start with because
I've found this is the hardest one for us because
most of us are walking around straight up rejecting ourselves
or looking for reasons why we're not good enough, we're
not worthy, all.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Of those things.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
So you know, first, like I said, let's define it, right,
So there's a couple of sides of self acceptance that
I think are super important.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
First is this idea of accepting.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yourself as you are, warts and all right, but without
all of that shame, blame, guilt, comparisonitis, perfectionism, self condemnation,
all of that. And that is the tricky part, right,
because so I know for me it was like, oh,
I accept myself well except for that part of me,
or I accept myself except for that part I hope
nobody ever finds out, or like, when I lose the weight,
(07:57):
then I'll accept myself. And there's all these conditions, right,
So what would it look like for you to just
accept you as you are?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Right? And here's the big distinction. You do not have
to like it. Right.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I'm not saying like, oh joy to the world, I
all of a sudden love the things I've been rejecting
and not accepting. But if you want to pass through
into that sphere of self love and self worth and
self acceptance, I believe the first thing you have to
pass through is just accepting where you are without shaming it,
(08:30):
blaming it, guilting yourself comparison itis. Because what's the alternative
where you are right now? First of all, where you
are is not who you are right It doesn't mean
that that's who you are and where you're going to stay,
but where you are right now and what's led you
up until now, and who you've been and who you
haven't been, and the things that air quotes failed or
didn't work out or whatever right or your comparison to
(08:50):
where you think you should be where you are right now,
it has already taken place. It's in the past. So
shaming it, blaming it, comparing yourself it's not going to
change where you are right now. And again, you don't
have to like it, But that's where I invite you
to just start accepting where you are right now, even
when you don't like it, and just acknowledge that, Okay,
this is what's happening now. Who do I want to
(09:11):
be in the face of it? And one of my
favorite quotes on this is when you argue with reality,
you suffer, and Byron Katie said it, when you argue
with reality, you suffer. So the opposite of accepting yourself
is arguing with reality and creating your own suffering, saying, man,
I wish this didn't happen. I wish I wasn't here
right now. I wish I didn't weigh what I weigh
right now. I wish, you know, I didn't have these circumstances.
And it's like, well, you it is right now, this
(09:33):
is what's happening. And so the sooner we can accept it,
the sooner we can actually move through it and become
who we want to be in the face of it
and actually transform it. But you're not going to be
able to transform it when you're shaming it, blaming it,
comparing it, wishing it wasn't so. And so the first
layer of self acceptance is really just the acceptance piece
of the puzzle. Again, you have permission not to like
(09:55):
it right, but just accepting it without all of that
that drama, the shame or wishing it wasn't so, arguing
with reality and causing more suffering around it.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
I think that denial is something we've all danced with,
oh yeah, in our lives. Like I know, there's plenty
of times I have been in denial, and so awareness awareness.
I mean, I'm even taking this in and thinking of
times you know, where you say in private how you
feel or act or do, and then what you present
(10:31):
is that lining up?
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Is it matching?
Speaker 4 (10:33):
Are you in integrity with where you want to go,
where you want to be, and I feel like there's
times where I haven't been and that's when I was
suffering the most. And there are times where I sort
of there was denial, but there was also the numbing.
So then there was also I didn't have the bandwidth
(10:54):
to be aware because I was blocking it all out,
you know. I just was like, Yeah, this isn't really happening,
this is not reality. And so I'm super excited to
dive more into these things. And yes, step one it
might seem really simple of like, oh yeah, duh, I
need to accept myself. But once you start paying attention,
(11:16):
I think it'll be shocked at how many times you
are in denial or you are ignoring, like huge flags
that are totally right in front of your face. But
sometimes it's you don't see it until you see it
and then you can't unsee it.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Hopefully.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Absolutely, No.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
You bring up such a good point, because the cost
of not accepting and living in that non reality you
mention it. We all have coping mechanisms. I've used them all,
you know what I mean, food, netflix, wine, you name it.
And when we're numbing it doesn't. It doesn't go away,
and it just further contributes to us not accepting and
living in a non reality. And like you said, we
(11:55):
create our suffering in that by just and often dealing
with it and just acknowledging it is so much easier
than not but we just think it's easier to avoid it,
distract it, numb it out, and so it keeps us
down that spiral. And that's why we need to have
these conversations that enlighten us and give us that awareness.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
So if someone were to have a conversation, like with
their friend or a coworker or a spouse about self
acceptance and maybe digging a little deeper into it, what's
a conversation starter in your mind that they could, you know,
sit down and have an honest Like if I was
still married, I could see myself sitting down with Ben
(12:32):
and being like, Hey, do you think I accept myself?
Or do you think you accept yourself? And then there's
now you have a partner in this, And of course
there's a lot of work for you to do on
your own, but if you do have a friend or
a significant other, or you want to talk to your
teenager about self acceptance, which, by the way, if you
are raising kids, they're paying attention to exactly how you
(12:54):
treat yourself.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
And a fact as a person. Yeah, they're absorbing.
Speaker 4 (12:59):
It and eye I have to pay attention to that.
With my sixteen and a half year old daughter, I
know she's watching all kinds of things and seeing how
I talk to myself and how I behave and how
I treat myself. So that's very important to me to
model to her because I.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Don't want her to.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
I mean, we're all going to make mistakes, and of
course she's going to, but I guess I just don't
want her to pick up certain things from me that
are going to impact her down the line. Although it's
inevitable if you're a parent, we're not going to have
right perfect days. But if someone were to sit down
with insert whomever and have a conversation about self acceptance,
what would you say?
Speaker 1 (13:36):
I mean, the first thing I would invite people into
is like, you can't love what you don't accept. You
can't properly care for and take care of and be
emotionally available to that which you don't accept.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So a prompt that I do on a regular basis is.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
I'll write at the top of a piece of paper,
where am I arguing with reality? And it just becomes
so clear, like, where am I arguing with reality? Well,
I'm wishing that this wasn't so, or I'm wish that
I wasn't here I'm thinking about X and wishing it
didn't happen or shaming myself for it. But it's already so,
you know, and like when you look at it through
that those goggles like where am I not accepting what's
(14:11):
really happening and not dealing with it? That would be
the first step because then you're just literally like bringing
your logic and reason brain.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Back to the data of it.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
But this also brings up really like the another side
of self acceptance that I feel like isn't talked about,
which is, you know, I think there's a lot of
you know, thought processes out there that's like, oh, just
accept yourself and love yourself no matter what. And I
do believe that that is great to an extent, but
it can also make us feel a little bit guilty
(14:40):
or cause us to feel like am I doing something wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
That I'm struggling with.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
This, and that if we do want to you know,
up level our lives in any area of our lives.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
It makes us feel or it has the.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Potential to make us feel bad, because it's like, wait
a minute, I'm hearing I'm supposed to love myself no
matter what, and so here's what I say to that
piece of it, Like, there are elements of your life,
ways of being, or habits or tendencies that you might
have that you're allowed to say, you know what, I
accept myself, but I also no longer want to accept
this as my default, and I want to up level.
(15:12):
And I want to draw a line in the sand
and say, listen, what you've been doing up until now
is fine. I'm not shaving it, but I no longer
want this to be who I am. I want to
up level, and giving yourself permission to up level, but
obviously not at the expense of your health, not the
expense of your happiness, and without going into that self rejection.
But I think giving yourself permission to see the difference
between like no longer accepting certain ways of being that
(15:35):
might be toxic or not healthy for you does not
mean that you don't accept yourself. But that's where it's
extra important to go back to the flip side of acceptance,
which is accepting the reality without adding in your own
shame story, your own blame story, and I think they
go hand in hand. So in answer to your question,
the first thing I would be, I would just like,
take an audit and this might change every day. Take
(15:55):
an audit of where you're just not accepting reality and
you are creating your own suffering. But then the flip side,
where are you not like saying, Listen, I love myself
and I accept myself, but I also want to up
level and this is really important, and I'm drawing that
line in the sand, and I'm radically committed to becoming
the version of myself that no longer struggles with this,
or the version of myself that has overcome this, and
(16:16):
focusing on that too, and giving yourself permission to accept
yourself and want to up level without feeling guilty about that.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
Okay, where am I arguing with reality? So that's either
something you can do as a journal prompt and work
through it daily, yeah, at least once a week, just
do regular check ins. Or if you've got a friend
or a partner you're doing this, you can share with
each other, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Where are you arguing?
Speaker 4 (16:40):
With reality today or this is what I'm noticing in
me and just I feel like having someone to talk to,
even if it is your journal, is going to be
beneficial over this five week course. So thank you for
that prompt, Land, where am I arguing with reality?
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Now?
Speaker 4 (16:59):
Next week going to be talking about self care, so
that will load up next Saturday and perfect it'll be
on the weekend so you can do some self care
for yourself, which looks so different for every single person.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Absolutely, I'll just say that what is.
Speaker 4 (17:16):
Self care for me is not going to be what's
the same for Leanne, which is not going to be
the same for you. But it's just again finding the
definition defining that for yourself so that you have a
guide and you can move towards knowing your true value
and knowing your true worth, which is the question do
you really know it? Because that's the goal we all
want to So Leanne, where can people find you?
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Everything you need to know is over on Leannellington dot com.
You can find me also at Leannellington on Instagram. And
if you want to take a deep dive into how
to rewire your female brain for freedom and peace of
mind and self image, you can find my free masterclass
over there as well.
Speaker 4 (17:53):
And I am at Radio Amy on Socials, which Leanne
I'm going to also throw out. She has a new podcast,
it's been up about a month or so, What's God Got.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
To Do with It? It loads up every Tuesday.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Definitely recommend that you check that out, even if you're
like I don't really know how I feel about God.
It's not just that although Lianne is someone who recently
discovered her faith, Well, I'll let you get to know
Liane and her journey by listening to it, but just
know that it's a safe space for whatever you're exploring.
(18:26):
And I love that question too of what's God got
to do with it? So thank you Liane, and all right,
we'll see you all next Saturday for self care.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Bye bye
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Host
Amy Brown
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