October 28, 2023 • 11 mins
OUTWEIGH: Amy and Leanne are back for PART 3 of the 5-part Self-Image series called "Do You Know Your True Value and Worth?", where they take a deep dive into the concept of "Self Esteem", which revolves around the "know, like, and trust" factor of yourself.
Many women struggle with trusting themselves because they make promises to themselves but fail to follow through. And this is the cycle that causes you to lose trust and respect in yourself, and leads you to lack confidence and reliance on your own abilities. Instead of having a relationship of trust, confidence, and belief in yourself, your trust becomes negotiable, and it affects your entire self-image...until NOW!
Amy and Leanne walk you through the process of up-leveling and rewiring your self-image, so you can stop the cycle of making unkept promises, earn back your own trust, and make certain aspects of your life non-negotiable.
HOST: Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
HOST: Leanne Ellington // @leanneellington // StresslessEating.com
To learn more about re-wiring your brain to heal from the all-or-nothing diet mentality for good....but WITHOUT restricting yourself, punishing your body, (and definitely WITHOUT ever having to use words like macros, low-carb, or calorie burn) check out Leanne's FREE Stressless Eating Webinar @ www.StresslessEating.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning love who I am. I I'm strong, I
feel free, I know every pardon me, it's beautiful and
that will always out way if you feel it with
(00:24):
your hands all She'll some love to the vio.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Take you one day and did you and die out way?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Happy Saturday outweigh Amy here and Leanne Hey.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
Leanne, Hello, Hello, Hello, And we're.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Working through do you Know Your True Value and Worth?
Ingredients one and two aired the last two weeks, and
now we are on ingredients three. It's like we're making
some cookies and this is your version of self esteem?
Speaker 5 (00:59):
Yeah, the highlight on the your version. You know, everything
we're talking about here has to be really individualized and
catered to you because how you feel about yourself is
different than how I feel. And what you need to
fill in those gaps is going to be different than
what I need. But what's relevant to all of us?
And first, I want to define what I mean by
self esteem because a lot of times it's like, oh,
do I have confidence?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Do I like myself?
Speaker 5 (01:20):
And that's part of it right, But I think it's
actually the no like and trust factor of yourself. And
specifically we're going to talk about the trust factor, because
what happens is is a lot of us get in
the pattern of, you know, making promises to ourselves that
we just don't follow through on, or we just don't keep,
you know, or maybe we make commitments that are that
(01:41):
are outrageous, they're ludicrous, we can't possibly keep them. But
then what happens is we witness ourselfs not following through
and then we end up you know, obviously not finishing
what we start, but then we believe ourselves less and
less the next time we say to ourselves, Okay, I'm
going to do this, or I'm going to start this,
or I'm going to stop that, And it's that trust factor.
We lose trust in ourselves, we don't believe ourselves, our
(02:04):
word becomes kind of negotiable, and then in turn off
the back of that, we lose respect for ourselves. So
when you think about like a typical definition of self
esteem confidence, you know, do you like yourself, do you
believe in yourself? Well, how much do you like and
believe in yourself when you're walking around without trusting yourself,
and then you've lot total lost, total respect for yourself.
(02:24):
So that's really what I wanted to bring to the table.
And these are the conversations that you know, when you
are kind of stuck in that food and body prison
as I call it, when you're you know, in that
cycle of obsession over you know, food, your weight, your calories,
all of that. It's like, this is one of those
things where I say, it's not about the food, you know,
the food just becomes sort of a coping mechanism, whether
(02:45):
we're trying to like the hyper restriction control side of
it or the you know, screw it out of control,
you know, care free abandonment side of it. And there
are two sides of the same coin. But again then
we focus on like, okay, I'll go, I'll go figure
out what I'm gonna eat here to look at my
body in this way, and it's like, no, what if
this underneath it and these you know, truly knowing your
(03:05):
worth again had nothing to do with your body, and
you took your eyes off of that focus and went
into this side of like trusting yourself, respecting yourself, and
just went down that rabbit hole.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
What would be possible for you.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Yeah, I will say, thinking back years decades of me,
I guess the best way to put it is start
tomorrow sort of and I would talk to myself, but
that would pile on. It would pile on because then
when I couldn't start tomorrow because I didn't realize it
was just about you know, it wasn't as simple as that. Yeah,
I lost a lot of trust with myself, and there
(03:40):
was this you know, integrity piece of like who am
I even and what does this even matter? And I
don't even care. I mean, I started to have just
this dialogue that wasn't adding up to who deep down
I wanted to be. But it was a cycle and
it felt very like I just kept sabotaging myself. But
I was on a hamster wheel.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
You touched on something so important here, which is the
identity piece of this when we're talking about our true
value and worth. I'm sorry you said integrity piece, which
is you know, becomes that identity when we are out
of integrity with who we want to be. But sometimes
again we're desensitized to it because we're like, oh, this
is just.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
What I do.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
I start things and I don't finish them, or I say,
you know, I'll get back on the wagon on Monday,
and I just you know, words are words.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And so again we become desensitized to that.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
But we live a life out of integrity and that gap,
you know, of who we know we want to be
and who we are so committed to showing up as
versus the version of ourself that we are showing up as,
or we witness ourselves kind of falling into that trap
or that cycle. The gap, that gap between who we
want to be and who we show up as, that's
where the toxic shame lives. And it's sneaky, it's insidious.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
We don't always know it's there.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Yeah, And I think for me using food or restriction
or control or anything to numb out to other things
that were going on. When I'm numb, I don't know
what I care about. I don't know what I feel
because I don't, I can't. I'm not feeling anything anyway,
So what does any of it matter? But deep down
I know that I really wanted to care about stuff,
(05:11):
and I wanted to be able to trust myself, and
absolutely I wanted to have a good relationship with myself.
But I couldn't get out of the hole.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Yeah, and it's it's like you just said, it's not
logical in the moments. That's why you know our I know,
my go to COVID mechanism was like, Okay, I just
need more willpower or I just need more self control.
And it's like no, we're using all of these logic
and reason air quotes weapons to address this like deeper
emotional integrity, self worth, self value gap and not to
(05:41):
mention total side note and side episode is like, who's
to say you're going to feel any of these things
even if you do reach your air quotes, ideal weight
or you know whatever. Anyways, you know, so this is
the stuff that gets missed, you know. And and yeah,
like when you're in it again, these are the things
that make us go towards coping mechanisms, whether it's food, Netflix,
(06:01):
social media, dating apps, whine. I mean I've used them
all right, so it's there's no shame about it, but acknowledging,
like and I think that's really just the first step
is is where do I Where have I fallen out
of trust with myself?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
You know?
Speaker 5 (06:15):
And that leads us to not liking ourselves and not
believing ourselves and not respecting ourselves, Like where have I
fallen out of trust with myself? And even just like
identifying where has my word become negotiable? Where have I
been saying something and doing another? And like the say
do gap is massive, right, but even and again, like
I know we talk about baby steps and you know
(06:35):
awareness awareness a lot, but like even just that of
just acknowledging, okay, where am I constantly making a promise
to myself and not falling through the first step? Or
like if I were to give a tip, would just
be like stop making promises all together? And I know
that sounds counterintuitive because it's like leanne like shouldn't I
be doing something? Or isn't committing to something better than
committing to nothing? But every time you commit to something
(06:57):
and witness yourself not following through, you are depleteating that
self esteem and self trust and self respect bank account
so to speak, right, and you're taking away from it.
But if you just acknowledge, and here's the thing with
it's usually not our first rodeo what we're committing to,
you know, the ten things on our to do list
that never get done or the air quotes diet that
you keep going back to thinking that that's your you know,
(07:18):
safe place and you don't follow through on it, Like
it's not your first road too. You know, you know
where this is going to end. So knowing what you know,
it's like the first step is just stop committing to
stuff altogether in a way and like just not witnessing
yourself kind of be as sing yourself so that you
can actually let your word be aligned with what you
(07:39):
say and what you mean.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
So, how do we have a goal? Like how do
you how do we've word it?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Or how do we have get I get not wanting
to you know, continue to make these promises because that
when you continue to break them, it's not good.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
But how do we set ourselves up?
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Yeah, it's a really good question and good distinction because
it's like, well, leahe you just told me to stop
committing stuff, but how do I actually have goals?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
How do I get anything done? Right's the what's the
middle ground?
Speaker 5 (08:04):
So my invitation would be and it's it's a bigger
conversation than this, but it would if I were to
bottom line it, it would be this, first of all, minimize
the size of your promises. Right, So a lot of
people are making these big, grandiose promises and making promises
in these maximal zero to sixty kind of mindset, you know.
So one thing would just be look at the size
(08:24):
of your promises and minimize the size of the of
the goals that you're setting, you know. And instead of
thinking like, Okay, here's where I am right now, like
if I'm if I'm a two, what would get me
to a ten? It's like, okay, if I'm a two,
what would get me to a three? And then what
would get me to a four? And really like looking
at things in manageable chunks so that you can witness
yourself actually following through on things and witness yourself being
(08:46):
a trustworthy promise maker, you know. And then the other
side of that is like again, and this is a big,
bigger conversation, but it comes back to what you were
saying about integrity.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Is like, I'll just say how it showed it for me.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
I had to draw that line in this and say
I'm no longer willing to be out of alignment with
what I say and what I mean, Like I'm no
longer willing to witness myself lie to myself and honestly
like just drawing that line in the sand and making
that like kind of putting your stake in the ground
and almost like declaring about who you want to be,
so that now it's not about what you're doing or
(09:20):
not doing, it's about who do you want to be,
and even just saying like, I'm no longer willing to
be as myself. And the cool thing is is that
when you do that and you take away you know,
almost almost manipulating your your words to fit. Oh, I'll
feel better if I at least say I'll do it right,
you'd be shocked at what you start committing to off
the back of I no longer am willing to be
(09:42):
out of integrity and you start with like the who you.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Want to be is a person of integrity and go
from there.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
And so go back to the question that you would
say that we need to ask ourselves is a good
starting point. So that way, if people want to journal
through this and the next time you go on a hike,
like think about it however you like to process.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
Yeah, where in my life are my words negotiable? Where
are my promises to myself negotiable? Where am I not?
Where am I out of alignment, out of integrity with
what I'm saying versus what I'm doing, and just start there,
Just start there, just again, full responsibility, no blame, you know,
just taking radical ownership. But you're not here to shame
or blame yourself, just as data, like, where am I
(10:24):
out of alignment? Where do I notice myself constantly saying
I'm going to do this and then I don't? Because
it's not just the lack of doing it, it's that
you're literally depleting your self esteem bank account because it's
costing you trust and it's costing you respect. And so
even just like stopping the leak by asking where has
my word been negotiable?
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Ingredient three your version of self esteem? This is do
you know your true value and worth? We're all working
towards that.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
LeAnn. Where can people find you?
Speaker 5 (10:54):
You can head on over to Leannellington dot com. I'm
also Leanne Ellington on Instagram. If you want to hear
more about the rewiring your brain side of all of
this food and body stuff, you can check out my
free master class over there as well.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
And Leanne also has a podcast It's called What's God
Got to Do With it, and I'm at radio a
meet on socials if you want to find me there.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Bye, Bye,
I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning love who I am. I I'm strong, I
feel free, I know every pardon me, it's beautiful and
that will always out way if you feel it with
(00:24):
your hands all She'll some love to the vio.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Why get there?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Take you one day and did you and die out way?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Happy Saturday outweigh Amy here and Leanne Hey.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
Leanne, Hello, Hello, Hello, And we're.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Working through do you Know Your True Value and Worth?
Ingredients one and two aired the last two weeks, and
now we are on ingredients three. It's like we're making
some cookies and this is your version of self esteem?
Speaker 5 (00:59):
Yeah, the highlight on the your version. You know, everything
we're talking about here has to be really individualized and
catered to you because how you feel about yourself is
different than how I feel. And what you need to
fill in those gaps is going to be different than
what I need. But what's relevant to all of us?
And first, I want to define what I mean by
self esteem because a lot of times it's like, oh,
do I have confidence?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Do I like myself?
Speaker 5 (01:20):
And that's part of it right, But I think it's
actually the no like and trust factor of yourself. And
specifically we're going to talk about the trust factor, because
what happens is is a lot of us get in
the pattern of, you know, making promises to ourselves that
we just don't follow through on, or we just don't keep,
you know, or maybe we make commitments that are that
(01:41):
are outrageous, they're ludicrous, we can't possibly keep them. But
then what happens is we witness ourselfs not following through
and then we end up you know, obviously not finishing
what we start, but then we believe ourselves less and
less the next time we say to ourselves, Okay, I'm
going to do this, or I'm going to start this,
or I'm going to stop that, And it's that trust factor.
We lose trust in ourselves, we don't believe ourselves, our
(02:04):
word becomes kind of negotiable, and then in turn off
the back of that, we lose respect for ourselves. So
when you think about like a typical definition of self
esteem confidence, you know, do you like yourself, do you
believe in yourself? Well, how much do you like and
believe in yourself when you're walking around without trusting yourself,
and then you've lot total lost, total respect for yourself.
(02:24):
So that's really what I wanted to bring to the table.
And these are the conversations that you know, when you
are kind of stuck in that food and body prison
as I call it, when you're you know, in that
cycle of obsession over you know, food, your weight, your calories,
all of that. It's like, this is one of those
things where I say, it's not about the food, you know,
the food just becomes sort of a coping mechanism, whether
(02:45):
we're trying to like the hyper restriction control side of
it or the you know, screw it out of control,
you know, care free abandonment side of it. And there
are two sides of the same coin. But again then
we focus on like, okay, I'll go, I'll go figure
out what I'm gonna eat here to look at my
body in this way, and it's like, no, what if
this underneath it and these you know, truly knowing your
(03:05):
worth again had nothing to do with your body, and
you took your eyes off of that focus and went
into this side of like trusting yourself, respecting yourself, and
just went down that rabbit hole.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
What would be possible for you.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Yeah, I will say, thinking back years decades of me,
I guess the best way to put it is start
tomorrow sort of and I would talk to myself, but
that would pile on. It would pile on because then
when I couldn't start tomorrow because I didn't realize it
was just about you know, it wasn't as simple as that. Yeah,
I lost a lot of trust with myself, and there
(03:40):
was this you know, integrity piece of like who am
I even and what does this even matter? And I
don't even care. I mean, I started to have just
this dialogue that wasn't adding up to who deep down
I wanted to be. But it was a cycle and
it felt very like I just kept sabotaging myself. But
I was on a hamster wheel.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
You touched on something so important here, which is the
identity piece of this when we're talking about our true
value and worth. I'm sorry you said integrity piece, which
is you know, becomes that identity when we are out
of integrity with who we want to be. But sometimes
again we're desensitized to it because we're like, oh, this
is just.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
What I do.
Speaker 5 (04:15):
I start things and I don't finish them, or I say,
you know, I'll get back on the wagon on Monday,
and I just you know, words are words.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And so again we become desensitized to that.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
But we live a life out of integrity and that gap,
you know, of who we know we want to be
and who we are so committed to showing up as
versus the version of ourself that we are showing up as,
or we witness ourselves kind of falling into that trap
or that cycle. The gap, that gap between who we
want to be and who we show up as, that's
where the toxic shame lives. And it's sneaky, it's insidious.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
We don't always know it's there.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Yeah, And I think for me using food or restriction
or control or anything to numb out to other things
that were going on. When I'm numb, I don't know
what I care about. I don't know what I feel
because I don't, I can't. I'm not feeling anything anyway,
So what does any of it matter? But deep down
I know that I really wanted to care about stuff,
(05:11):
and I wanted to be able to trust myself, and
absolutely I wanted to have a good relationship with myself.
But I couldn't get out of the hole.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Yeah, and it's it's like you just said, it's not
logical in the moments. That's why you know our I know,
my go to COVID mechanism was like, Okay, I just
need more willpower or I just need more self control.
And it's like no, we're using all of these logic
and reason air quotes weapons to address this like deeper
emotional integrity, self worth, self value gap and not to
(05:41):
mention total side note and side episode is like, who's
to say you're going to feel any of these things
even if you do reach your air quotes, ideal weight
or you know whatever. Anyways, you know, so this is
the stuff that gets missed, you know. And and yeah,
like when you're in it again, these are the things
that make us go towards coping mechanisms, whether it's food, Netflix,
(06:01):
social media, dating apps, whine. I mean I've used them
all right, so it's there's no shame about it, but acknowledging,
like and I think that's really just the first step
is is where do I Where have I fallen out
of trust with myself?
Speaker 3 (06:14):
You know?
Speaker 5 (06:15):
And that leads us to not liking ourselves and not
believing ourselves and not respecting ourselves, Like where have I
fallen out of trust with myself? And even just like
identifying where has my word become negotiable? Where have I
been saying something and doing another? And like the say
do gap is massive, right, but even and again, like
I know we talk about baby steps and you know
(06:35):
awareness awareness a lot, but like even just that of
just acknowledging, okay, where am I constantly making a promise
to myself and not falling through the first step? Or
like if I were to give a tip, would just
be like stop making promises all together? And I know
that sounds counterintuitive because it's like leanne like shouldn't I
be doing something? Or isn't committing to something better than
committing to nothing? But every time you commit to something
(06:57):
and witness yourself not following through, you are depleteating that
self esteem and self trust and self respect bank account
so to speak, right, and you're taking away from it.
But if you just acknowledge, and here's the thing with
it's usually not our first rodeo what we're committing to,
you know, the ten things on our to do list
that never get done or the air quotes diet that
you keep going back to thinking that that's your you know,
(07:18):
safe place and you don't follow through on it, Like
it's not your first road too. You know, you know
where this is going to end. So knowing what you know,
it's like the first step is just stop committing to
stuff altogether in a way and like just not witnessing
yourself kind of be as sing yourself so that you
can actually let your word be aligned with what you
(07:39):
say and what you mean.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
So, how do we have a goal? Like how do
you how do we've word it?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Or how do we have get I get not wanting
to you know, continue to make these promises because that
when you continue to break them, it's not good.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
But how do we set ourselves up?
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Yeah, it's a really good question and good distinction because
it's like, well, leahe you just told me to stop
committing stuff, but how do I actually have goals?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
How do I get anything done? Right's the what's the
middle ground?
Speaker 5 (08:04):
So my invitation would be and it's it's a bigger
conversation than this, but it would if I were to
bottom line it, it would be this, first of all, minimize
the size of your promises. Right, So a lot of
people are making these big, grandiose promises and making promises
in these maximal zero to sixty kind of mindset, you know.
So one thing would just be look at the size
(08:24):
of your promises and minimize the size of the of
the goals that you're setting, you know. And instead of
thinking like, Okay, here's where I am right now, like
if I'm if I'm a two, what would get me
to a ten? It's like, okay, if I'm a two,
what would get me to a three? And then what
would get me to a four? And really like looking
at things in manageable chunks so that you can witness
yourself actually following through on things and witness yourself being
(08:46):
a trustworthy promise maker, you know. And then the other
side of that is like again, and this is a big,
bigger conversation, but it comes back to what you were
saying about integrity.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Is like, I'll just say how it showed it for me.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
I had to draw that line in this and say
I'm no longer willing to be out of alignment with
what I say and what I mean, Like I'm no
longer willing to witness myself lie to myself and honestly
like just drawing that line in the sand and making
that like kind of putting your stake in the ground
and almost like declaring about who you want to be,
so that now it's not about what you're doing or
(09:20):
not doing, it's about who do you want to be,
and even just saying like, I'm no longer willing to
be as myself. And the cool thing is is that
when you do that and you take away you know,
almost almost manipulating your your words to fit. Oh, I'll
feel better if I at least say I'll do it right,
you'd be shocked at what you start committing to off
the back of I no longer am willing to be
(09:42):
out of integrity and you start with like the who you.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Want to be is a person of integrity and go
from there.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
And so go back to the question that you would
say that we need to ask ourselves is a good
starting point. So that way, if people want to journal
through this and the next time you go on a hike,
like think about it however you like to process.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
Yeah, where in my life are my words negotiable? Where
are my promises to myself negotiable? Where am I not?
Where am I out of alignment, out of integrity with
what I'm saying versus what I'm doing, and just start there,
Just start there, just again, full responsibility, no blame, you know,
just taking radical ownership. But you're not here to shame
or blame yourself, just as data, like, where am I
(10:24):
out of alignment? Where do I notice myself constantly saying
I'm going to do this and then I don't? Because
it's not just the lack of doing it, it's that
you're literally depleting your self esteem bank account because it's
costing you trust and it's costing you respect. And so
even just like stopping the leak by asking where has
my word been negotiable?
Speaker 4 (10:43):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Ingredient three your version of self esteem? This is do
you know your true value and worth? We're all working
towards that.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
LeAnn. Where can people find you?
Speaker 5 (10:54):
You can head on over to Leannellington dot com. I'm
also Leanne Ellington on Instagram. If you want to hear
more about the rewiring your brain side of all of
this food and body stuff, you can check out my
free master class over there as well.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
And Leanne also has a podcast It's called What's God
Got to Do With it, and I'm at radio a
meet on socials if you want to find me there.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Bye, Bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.