January 23, 2024 • 17 mins
Today’s quote is from Brené Brown: “choose discomfort over resentment.”
Amy and Kat discuss Brené’s habit of using a “boundary ring” where she spins her ring around three times before she makes a decision as a way to keep her from saying yes when she really means no.
It’s 25 days until Kat’s wedding and she’s chasing down 100 RSVPs because of this very “forward” thing she did with her invites.
Amy shares a list of things you should never say to your partner:
- Don’t use “never” and “always”
- Instead of “yes, but” use “yes, and”
- Don’t compare: “you should be more like _____”
- Avoid dismissals like “you’re overreacting”, “calm down”, and “this is not that big of a deal”
One of Amy’s goals this year is trying to be a better adult and Kat talks about the process of growing up and “getting” old” in her latest episode of You Need Therapy.
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Defatta // @Kat.Defatta // @YouNeedTherapyPodcast // YouNeedTherapyPodcast.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Welcome to the Fifth Thing.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
And today's quote is why is my chest breaking out
in hives and turning bright red and itchy? So bad?
Right now? That quote is for me, like literally in
the last five minutes that Kat and I have been
on Zoom. We're on Zoom right now because of the
snow ice situation in Nashville, and Kat has barely left
her house and so her coming over this last weekend
(00:30):
didn't make much sense as we've been talking on Zoom
before we hit record, and in a matter of minutes
I had to rip my sweater off and unbutton my
button down, and then you see this red rash situation happening.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
You keep itching it too, get better.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I feel like, diagnose me with something right now, Kat,
I wish I could lucky for me. I am going
to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know that this has
anything to do with it, but I have had an
appointment for months on the books to get on my
blood work done and hormone stuff done because I don't know.
I am either waiting for my period and being like
(01:07):
where why is it not here? What the heck is happening?
It's so late, or I'm like, wait, what, my period's
already back? It was just here four days ago. Like
that is where I am right now? Yeah, and so
I'm ready to go to the doctor to get that done.
Do you have any thoughts on that as a therapist?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Getting your hormones or your chest breaking?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Now? I don't know is my chest rash? Is it
manifesting from somewhere else? Do I have like something going on?
And like now it's you know, body keeps the score.
Actually I have felt pretty great until like today, and
I feel not normal. My brain isn't working that well.
(01:47):
I found myself just staring in conversations that I'm having
And has anybody ever experienced this?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Kat?
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Have you? Were you just staring? You have nothing to say?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Well, so you could be talking about so much many
different things. You could talk about being exhausted, you you
could be talking about having brain fog, you could just
it could be so many things. But I think we've
all had moments where we are just our eyes are
glazing over and we think to ourselves, where am I?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Yes, Stevenson just looked into my eyes. I was downstairs
in the kitchen and he looked at me, and he goes, Mom,
your eyes are so red, and I'm rested. That's the thing.
I got rest this last weekend. I feel okay, except
for I feel totally not okay.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Well, I was gonna ask, what did you do with
the snow days?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Well, once I finished work Friday, I didn't leave my
house Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So Monday was the first day
I left my house.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Okay, because of a choice, or you couldn't get out.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I mean I went into the backyard for like a minute,
but I didn't want to drive in the ice in
the snow. So anyway, there is a real quote, it's
not for me in my chest. It's from Brene Brown,
and it's short and sweet, and it's choose discomfort over resentment.
(03:00):
And I saw this post that she had put up
on Instagram talking about how she has a way that
she checks in with herself before she makes a decision
to do something, and so if she needs to set
a boundary somewhere or whatnot, she calls it her boundary ring.
And what she does is she spins her wedding ring
around on her finger three times before she answers any
(03:20):
request so that she doesn't immediately agree to something that
she doesn't want to do, and so I thought, oh, well,
that's awesome. Maybe for other people it may not be,
you know, a three ring spin, but it might be,
you know, I tap my foot five times and then
butt my shoulders three and then do the honky pokey
(03:40):
and then make a decision. I don't know, but I
thought that was great. That's like an easy thing, is
you know, if you wear that, or if you've got
like a watch on, maybe you take your watch off
and then you put your watch back on, or you
find something to do that gives you a beat before
you impulsively answer with an answer that you don't really want,
(04:01):
which in turn could lead to resentment towards a person
or a situation. And ultimately it'll keep us from saying
yes when we mean no, and that way we don't
regret it.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Question. So let's say I do that turn my ringer,
and I do the hokey pokey, and then I agree
to do something. What happens if I change my mind?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I think that it depends the type of relationship, right,
because if it's a work commitment and people are relying
on you or something like that, or if someone needs
a ride somewhere and they're literally relying on you like
a friend, and then you have to change that, or
it's something that's really special to them and they paid
for you to be there in a way because you've
(04:43):
said yes. Then it's like, oh, I feel like we
would ideally like to be people that are known as
being accountable or reliable, sorry, reliable is the word. And
then if you have a friend, like I think our
really relationship, if you needed to back out of something,
I would totally understand that maybe something was going on,
(05:06):
maybe you had a rash on your chest and you
felt like you couldn't do anything and you felt crazy
and your eyes are glazed over and your brain is
mush and you feel like you'll just be staring at
the wall. Then I think I would understand if you
needed to share that with me. I mean, I just
think it's case by case, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I agree. I think that I would like to adopt
that slowing down process because I'm really quick to Usually
the things that people are asking me to do that
I later don't want to do are things that I
genuinely want to do in the moment. I think if
somebody asked me to do something I really don't want
to do it. I for the most part, can say that.
(05:47):
So I'm just thinking about the times when I agree
to do something I think it sounds like a great idea,
and then later I'm like, I don't want anything to
do that anymore. Is it still okay for me to,
you know, say, hey, I know I said I would
do this, I'm not feeling it and I don't want
to be there and do it halfway kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, And I think that if you're a chronic flake,
then people are going to just know like that's me,
that's cat. But if this is something that is not
normal for you and they respect you, then I think
it's understandable. Which how many more days until your wedding?
By the way, we're speaking of people committing to come
to something because I am a bridesmaid, so I will
(06:28):
be there rash or no rash, but thank the Lord,
my bridesmaid's dress is a high neck.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, well mine not a high neck. So what if
I get your rash.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
I don't think it's a contagious thing. I think it's mental, okay, physical,
something in my body.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Okay, Well, we're twenty five days out right now, which
is right around the corner. Rsvp's have been sent in.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So didn't you have like over one hundred people that
had not rsvp'.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Yes, I feel like this was partly my fault because
we had to end up like texting and getting a
hold of all these people to get everybody's RSVPs. And
but what I did two things that I think are
maybe not as normal in the wedding invite world. One
is I made my own invitations, and I didn't want
to spend a lot of money on them because I
(07:15):
just didn't care. So I didn't create this like q
thing that was like tied together with a bow. I
just like threw in the invitation. And then instead of
an RSVP card, I made business cards that had a
QR code on them that you would scan an r VP.
So the business cards were cheaper. That was so weird
(07:37):
to me. It was less expensive to get a business
card and just put whatever I want on it than
to order an RSVP card. They just put wedding labels
on things, and they're more expensive. Anyway, I think a
lot of people didn't find that card in their envelope.
And then I think a lot of other people don't
know how to use a QR code, which is very
surprising to me after COVID.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, you would think that, like, okay, we've hit that
point where everybody knows what to do if they see
a QR code. I feel like that's very forward of you.
Brain'stop working. So I don't know the word. I don't
know what word I want right now, but you know,
it's a very new age future of you. No, not
new age, because that'd be like woo wu. This is
like you know, tech Ford Show, like savvy, like how
(08:22):
you know what's this.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
New age QR code? And here and what am I
supposed to do with it?
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Well, I do have a list of things that you
should never say to your partner, and this is according
to therapists, and Kat, you are a therapist who's marrying
a guy who's never been to therapy. But I would
I'm going to go over this list and see how
you feel about it. Make sure that you and Patrick
are in a good spot so you don't ever end
up saying these things. And I do think that this
(08:52):
is for partners like romantic relationships. This could be for friendships,
this could be for work relationships. So just because you're
not married or getting married, these are still gonna apply
to you. So generalizations, we want to stay away from those,
stuff like you always or you never.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yeah, are you guilty of doing that? Yeah, I'm sure
that I've done that before, but I actually really believe
in that said that to not do that, because we
do that to ourselves right as the same way, like
I always do this or I never can show up
on time, and that's not usually true, and it's just
very shaming. So I feel like that one I'm pretty
(09:32):
good at. I will say most of the time, you
do this or it seems like this keeps happening instead
of those things.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Well, so then that's your recommendation to people. If like, well,
if I don't say you never or you always, well,
then what do I say? Because some people are used
to saying the generalization even though they know that they
don't mean never or they don't mean always. That's just
what they're used to saying and they don't know what
else to say besides it. So I think, yeah, if
you back it up and be like, Okay, in my
(10:02):
experience with you from time to time, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
You can even say in my experience of you, it
feels like this keeps happening and or this is happening
more than that's happening. It's okay to like put your
judgment on that, but it's also very important to notice
that it's usually never never always.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Now there's deflections, which is when you're answering something with
a yes, but yes, but I work really hard on
yes and yeah. That is the number one rule of improv,
which that has nothing to do with the relationship. It
has to do with comedy and laughter and coming up
with things spur of the moment. But why improv has
(10:48):
that as their number one rule is you're bouncing off
of everybody else in the room, like someone else has
just said something and you need to add to it.
So if you're the butt person, you're taking away from
what that person just did an inserting. So what you
need to do is come alongside and it's like, oh, okay,
I see what that person just said, and I'm going
to add this. And so that's a more fun way
(11:10):
to look at it, because sometimes you may not necessarily
agree with whatever is being said, but there is just
something about it being a yes and instead of a yes.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
But I've never taken an improv class, So I've never
heard that. I really like that you're taking away from something,
so why don't you come alongside? And I think that's
one of the skills that I have probably worked on
the most throughout becoming a therapist. But it can sometimes
be appropriate.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Well, if you're using it to deflect, I guess right,
right right.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Generally, when you're having some kind of conversation or maybe
some kind of disagreement with a partner, I think it
is really important to hear what they have to say
and add your part versus taking their part away, because
their experience is always whether I agree with it, it's
always their experience. And I can't negate that.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
What about comparisons, you should be more like blank And
this was never an issue in my other relationships.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I hate that.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Could you imagine saying Matt to Patrick, what would he do?
Speaker 1 (12:15):
He would be really upset, like sad. I don't think
he would be angry. I think he'd be bummed out
that I'm comparing him to somebody that I'm not with anymore. Oh,
I don't like that. Even when you said that, it
gave me like the creeps.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
But you could say that even in friendships like I
could say, too, you should really be more like the
other cat, your therapy cat. You should really be more
like cryocat.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Yeah, and I would say maybe you should hang out
with her more often.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Then good response. Okay, last little bunch dismissals. You're overreacting.
Calm down or it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I mean, I don't really have anything to say, because
I feel as though we should be at the place
and time where we know telling somebody to do does
not in fact help them calm down.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Oh, I guarantee you. There's so many relationships right now
where literally they're saying that to each other, calm down,
this is not that big a deal.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Well, and it might not be a big deal to me,
but it also might be a big deal to the
other person. And it might feel like in the moment
when somebody's emotions are really heightened and you're trying to
force them to use logic about a situation that's not
really possible. So it's more helpful to help somebody calm down,
maybe to regulate them, maybe to sit with them or
(13:31):
breathe with them, versus tell them that they're doing something wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Okay, we'll put a bow on the things that you
should never say to your partner, friend, coworker, whatever, by
me using all of them in one sentence, or most
all of them from each thing.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Okay, got so kay.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Let's say you're just finished saying something and I'm like, well, yes,
but you always are overreacting. You definitely need to calm down,
and you should for sure be more like my other friend.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Yeah, I don't know that i'd really want to hang
out with you.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
This was never an issue of my other relationships. But
what's that is some people are dealing with that type
of communication. This is me speaking to myself as well.
I know that in my marriage I spoke in this way,
used some of this language, and you have to work
hard to pay attention to your words and know that
they matter. And it's like, oh, when you're heated up
(14:25):
and I feel like men And this is me generalizing here.
I'm not saying always, but I feel like, maybe I'll
say it this way. Women are often the ones that
are on the receiving end of calm down or you're overreacting,
and potentially even in the workplace.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
One hundred percent. And I was gonna say a lot
of those things all we've all done them, all of
them multiple times. They don't think that when people put
out these articles or lists it's to shame anybody. It's
to help people realize that they might be doing those
and that might not be help and we're going to
continue to mess up every now and then. But it's
(15:04):
I think more helpful to then say, you know what,
I just said that and I know that wasn't helpful.
I want to apologize, and this is really what I
meant then, just never knowing you said it in the
first place.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, and Cat's a therapist, y'all, so definitely listen to her.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
You have good helpful things to say as well. You
don't have a good.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Don Yeah, yeah, that I'm learning and I don't. I
don't want to be the expert all though. I am
working on how to be a better adult this year,
so I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
I am also interested what that means.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I'll fill you in later. But I'm just trying to
be more of an adult this year, like learning more
even like household skills and taking care of myself.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
And you know what I just did this week a
episode on You Need Therapy about like waking up and
realizing that I'm an adult and realizing that I am
getting older and how sometimes that comes up out of nowhere.
And there are so many things that as an adult
I just thought I would like snap into or know
(16:07):
how to do. And I'm realizing either our generation missed
that class, or maybe we assumed things about adulthood and
people pretended things about adulthood that just were not true,
and we need to cut ourselves some slack for that.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Yeah, I think I definitely assumed things about adulthood that
were just not accurate, But I don't know if it
was because people portrayed it or if I just like
literally assumed it. So here we are becoming a better
adult this year TVD stay tuned. You said, that's a
recent episode, So if that interests people, they could go
to You Need Therapy. That's Cat's podcast. Episodes go up
(16:46):
every Monday and Wednesday and then on socials Cat, Where
can people find you?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
On Instagram at You Need Therapy Podcasts and at Kat dot.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Defada and I Am at Radio Amy and Cat and
I both hope you have the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Bye Bye,
Happy Tuesday.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Welcome to the Fifth Thing.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
And today's quote is why is my chest breaking out
in hives and turning bright red and itchy? So bad?
Right now? That quote is for me, like literally in
the last five minutes that Kat and I have been
on Zoom. We're on Zoom right now because of the
snow ice situation in Nashville, and Kat has barely left
her house and so her coming over this last weekend
(00:30):
didn't make much sense as we've been talking on Zoom
before we hit record, and in a matter of minutes
I had to rip my sweater off and unbutton my
button down, and then you see this red rash situation happening.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
You keep itching it too, get better.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I feel like, diagnose me with something right now, Kat,
I wish I could lucky for me. I am going
to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know that this has
anything to do with it, but I have had an
appointment for months on the books to get on my
blood work done and hormone stuff done because I don't know.
I am either waiting for my period and being like
(01:07):
where why is it not here? What the heck is happening?
It's so late, or I'm like, wait, what, my period's
already back? It was just here four days ago. Like
that is where I am right now? Yeah, and so
I'm ready to go to the doctor to get that done.
Do you have any thoughts on that as a therapist?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Getting your hormones or your chest breaking?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Now? I don't know is my chest rash? Is it
manifesting from somewhere else? Do I have like something going on?
And like now it's you know, body keeps the score.
Actually I have felt pretty great until like today, and
I feel not normal. My brain isn't working that well.
(01:47):
I found myself just staring in conversations that I'm having
And has anybody ever experienced this?
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Kat?
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Have you? Were you just staring? You have nothing to say?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Well, so you could be talking about so much many
different things. You could talk about being exhausted, you you
could be talking about having brain fog, you could just
it could be so many things. But I think we've
all had moments where we are just our eyes are
glazing over and we think to ourselves, where am I?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Yes, Stevenson just looked into my eyes. I was downstairs
in the kitchen and he looked at me, and he goes, Mom,
your eyes are so red, and I'm rested. That's the thing.
I got rest this last weekend. I feel okay, except
for I feel totally not okay.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Well, I was gonna ask, what did you do with
the snow days?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Well, once I finished work Friday, I didn't leave my
house Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So Monday was the first day
I left my house.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Okay, because of a choice, or you couldn't get out.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I mean I went into the backyard for like a minute,
but I didn't want to drive in the ice in
the snow. So anyway, there is a real quote, it's
not for me in my chest. It's from Brene Brown,
and it's short and sweet, and it's choose discomfort over resentment.
(03:00):
And I saw this post that she had put up
on Instagram talking about how she has a way that
she checks in with herself before she makes a decision
to do something, and so if she needs to set
a boundary somewhere or whatnot, she calls it her boundary ring.
And what she does is she spins her wedding ring
around on her finger three times before she answers any
(03:20):
request so that she doesn't immediately agree to something that
she doesn't want to do, and so I thought, oh, well,
that's awesome. Maybe for other people it may not be,
you know, a three ring spin, but it might be,
you know, I tap my foot five times and then
butt my shoulders three and then do the honky pokey
(03:40):
and then make a decision. I don't know, but I
thought that was great. That's like an easy thing, is
you know, if you wear that, or if you've got
like a watch on, maybe you take your watch off
and then you put your watch back on, or you
find something to do that gives you a beat before
you impulsively answer with an answer that you don't really want,
(04:01):
which in turn could lead to resentment towards a person
or a situation. And ultimately it'll keep us from saying
yes when we mean no, and that way we don't
regret it.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Question. So let's say I do that turn my ringer,
and I do the hokey pokey, and then I agree
to do something. What happens if I change my mind?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
I think that it depends the type of relationship, right,
because if it's a work commitment and people are relying
on you or something like that, or if someone needs
a ride somewhere and they're literally relying on you like
a friend, and then you have to change that, or
it's something that's really special to them and they paid
for you to be there in a way because you've
(04:43):
said yes. Then it's like, oh, I feel like we
would ideally like to be people that are known as
being accountable or reliable, sorry, reliable is the word. And
then if you have a friend, like I think our
really relationship, if you needed to back out of something,
I would totally understand that maybe something was going on,
(05:06):
maybe you had a rash on your chest and you
felt like you couldn't do anything and you felt crazy
and your eyes are glazed over and your brain is
mush and you feel like you'll just be staring at
the wall. Then I think I would understand if you
needed to share that with me. I mean, I just
think it's case by case, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I agree. I think that I would like to adopt
that slowing down process because I'm really quick to Usually
the things that people are asking me to do that
I later don't want to do are things that I
genuinely want to do in the moment. I think if
somebody asked me to do something I really don't want
to do it. I for the most part, can say that.
(05:47):
So I'm just thinking about the times when I agree
to do something I think it sounds like a great idea,
and then later I'm like, I don't want anything to
do that anymore. Is it still okay for me to,
you know, say, hey, I know I said I would
do this, I'm not feeling it and I don't want
to be there and do it halfway kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, And I think that if you're a chronic flake,
then people are going to just know like that's me,
that's cat. But if this is something that is not
normal for you and they respect you, then I think
it's understandable. Which how many more days until your wedding?
By the way, we're speaking of people committing to come
to something because I am a bridesmaid, so I will
(06:28):
be there rash or no rash, but thank the Lord,
my bridesmaid's dress is a high neck.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, well mine not a high neck. So what if
I get your rash.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
I don't think it's a contagious thing. I think it's mental, okay, physical,
something in my body.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Okay, Well, we're twenty five days out right now, which
is right around the corner. Rsvp's have been sent in.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
So didn't you have like over one hundred people that
had not rsvp'.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Yes, I feel like this was partly my fault because
we had to end up like texting and getting a
hold of all these people to get everybody's RSVPs. And
but what I did two things that I think are
maybe not as normal in the wedding invite world. One
is I made my own invitations, and I didn't want
to spend a lot of money on them because I
(07:15):
just didn't care. So I didn't create this like q
thing that was like tied together with a bow. I
just like threw in the invitation. And then instead of
an RSVP card, I made business cards that had a
QR code on them that you would scan an r VP.
So the business cards were cheaper. That was so weird
(07:37):
to me. It was less expensive to get a business
card and just put whatever I want on it than
to order an RSVP card. They just put wedding labels
on things, and they're more expensive. Anyway, I think a
lot of people didn't find that card in their envelope.
And then I think a lot of other people don't
know how to use a QR code, which is very
surprising to me after COVID.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, you would think that, like, okay, we've hit that
point where everybody knows what to do if they see
a QR code. I feel like that's very forward of you.
Brain'stop working. So I don't know the word. I don't
know what word I want right now, but you know,
it's a very new age future of you. No, not
new age, because that'd be like woo wu. This is
like you know, tech Ford Show, like savvy, like how
(08:22):
you know what's this.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
New age QR code? And here and what am I
supposed to do with it?
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Well, I do have a list of things that you
should never say to your partner, and this is according
to therapists, and Kat, you are a therapist who's marrying
a guy who's never been to therapy. But I would
I'm going to go over this list and see how
you feel about it. Make sure that you and Patrick
are in a good spot so you don't ever end
up saying these things. And I do think that this
(08:52):
is for partners like romantic relationships. This could be for friendships,
this could be for work relationships. So just because you're
not married or getting married, these are still gonna apply
to you. So generalizations, we want to stay away from those,
stuff like you always or you never.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yeah, are you guilty of doing that? Yeah, I'm sure
that I've done that before, but I actually really believe
in that said that to not do that, because we
do that to ourselves right as the same way, like
I always do this or I never can show up
on time, and that's not usually true, and it's just
very shaming. So I feel like that one I'm pretty
(09:32):
good at. I will say most of the time, you
do this or it seems like this keeps happening instead
of those things.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Well, so then that's your recommendation to people. If like, well,
if I don't say you never or you always, well,
then what do I say? Because some people are used
to saying the generalization even though they know that they
don't mean never or they don't mean always. That's just
what they're used to saying and they don't know what
else to say besides it. So I think, yeah, if
you back it up and be like, Okay, in my
(10:02):
experience with you from time to time, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
You can even say in my experience of you, it
feels like this keeps happening and or this is happening
more than that's happening. It's okay to like put your
judgment on that, but it's also very important to notice
that it's usually never never always.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Now there's deflections, which is when you're answering something with
a yes, but yes, but I work really hard on
yes and yeah. That is the number one rule of improv,
which that has nothing to do with the relationship. It
has to do with comedy and laughter and coming up
with things spur of the moment. But why improv has
(10:48):
that as their number one rule is you're bouncing off
of everybody else in the room, like someone else has
just said something and you need to add to it.
So if you're the butt person, you're taking away from
what that person just did an inserting. So what you
need to do is come alongside and it's like, oh, okay,
I see what that person just said, and I'm going
to add this. And so that's a more fun way
(11:10):
to look at it, because sometimes you may not necessarily
agree with whatever is being said, but there is just
something about it being a yes and instead of a yes.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
But I've never taken an improv class, So I've never
heard that. I really like that you're taking away from something,
so why don't you come alongside? And I think that's
one of the skills that I have probably worked on
the most throughout becoming a therapist. But it can sometimes
be appropriate.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Well, if you're using it to deflect, I guess right,
right right.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Generally, when you're having some kind of conversation or maybe
some kind of disagreement with a partner, I think it
is really important to hear what they have to say
and add your part versus taking their part away, because
their experience is always whether I agree with it, it's
always their experience. And I can't negate that.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
What about comparisons, you should be more like blank And
this was never an issue in my other relationships.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I hate that.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Could you imagine saying Matt to Patrick, what would he do?
Speaker 1 (12:15):
He would be really upset, like sad. I don't think
he would be angry. I think he'd be bummed out
that I'm comparing him to somebody that I'm not with anymore. Oh,
I don't like that. Even when you said that, it
gave me like the creeps.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
But you could say that even in friendships like I
could say, too, you should really be more like the
other cat, your therapy cat. You should really be more
like cryocat.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Yeah, and I would say maybe you should hang out
with her more often.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Then good response. Okay, last little bunch dismissals. You're overreacting.
Calm down or it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I mean, I don't really have anything to say, because
I feel as though we should be at the place
and time where we know telling somebody to do does
not in fact help them calm down.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Oh, I guarantee you. There's so many relationships right now
where literally they're saying that to each other, calm down,
this is not that big a deal.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Well, and it might not be a big deal to me,
but it also might be a big deal to the
other person. And it might feel like in the moment
when somebody's emotions are really heightened and you're trying to
force them to use logic about a situation that's not
really possible. So it's more helpful to help somebody calm down,
maybe to regulate them, maybe to sit with them or
(13:31):
breathe with them, versus tell them that they're doing something wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Okay, we'll put a bow on the things that you
should never say to your partner, friend, coworker, whatever, by
me using all of them in one sentence, or most
all of them from each thing.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Okay, got so kay.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Let's say you're just finished saying something and I'm like, well, yes,
but you always are overreacting. You definitely need to calm down,
and you should for sure be more like my other friend.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Yeah, I don't know that i'd really want to hang
out with you.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
This was never an issue of my other relationships. But
what's that is some people are dealing with that type
of communication. This is me speaking to myself as well.
I know that in my marriage I spoke in this way,
used some of this language, and you have to work
hard to pay attention to your words and know that
they matter. And it's like, oh, when you're heated up
(14:25):
and I feel like men And this is me generalizing here.
I'm not saying always, but I feel like, maybe I'll
say it this way. Women are often the ones that
are on the receiving end of calm down or you're overreacting,
and potentially even in the workplace.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
One hundred percent. And I was gonna say a lot
of those things all we've all done them, all of
them multiple times. They don't think that when people put
out these articles or lists it's to shame anybody. It's
to help people realize that they might be doing those
and that might not be help and we're going to
continue to mess up every now and then. But it's
(15:04):
I think more helpful to then say, you know what,
I just said that and I know that wasn't helpful.
I want to apologize, and this is really what I
meant then, just never knowing you said it in the
first place.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, and Cat's a therapist, y'all, so definitely listen to her.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
You have good helpful things to say as well. You
don't have a good.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Don Yeah, yeah, that I'm learning and I don't. I
don't want to be the expert all though. I am
working on how to be a better adult this year,
so I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
I am also interested what that means.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I'll fill you in later. But I'm just trying to
be more of an adult this year, like learning more
even like household skills and taking care of myself.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
And you know what I just did this week a
episode on You Need Therapy about like waking up and
realizing that I'm an adult and realizing that I am
getting older and how sometimes that comes up out of nowhere.
And there are so many things that as an adult
I just thought I would like snap into or know
(16:07):
how to do. And I'm realizing either our generation missed
that class, or maybe we assumed things about adulthood and
people pretended things about adulthood that just were not true,
and we need to cut ourselves some slack for that.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Yeah, I think I definitely assumed things about adulthood that
were just not accurate, But I don't know if it
was because people portrayed it or if I just like
literally assumed it. So here we are becoming a better
adult this year TVD stay tuned. You said, that's a
recent episode, So if that interests people, they could go
to You Need Therapy. That's Cat's podcast. Episodes go up
(16:46):
every Monday and Wednesday and then on socials Cat, Where
can people find you?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
On Instagram at You Need Therapy Podcasts and at Kat dot.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Defada and I Am at Radio Amy and Cat and
I both hope you have the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Bye Bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
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Amy Brown
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