March 12, 2024 • 22 mins
Kat's wedding day pimple has reminded her how she wants to show up in this world & Amy's processing a recent Dyslexia diagnosis. They also talk about making anti-bucket lists (like what is something you will NEVER do again?) and they share tips that The Sleep Foundation put out to help us feel better during Daylight Savings (because spring forward is the worst).
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Defatta // @Kat.Defatta // @YouNeedTherapyPodcast // YouNeedTherapyPodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday, Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Cat. And today's quote, well, it's come in straight
from Cat's mouth and I'm gonna quote her and it's
from her wedding day. But we were just talking about
it before we hit record, and it's if it was
a beauty market, be okay. But because it's a pimple,
it's not okay. And I don't know if any of
(00:24):
y'all have felt the way Cat felt on her wedding day,
but I'm gonna have her share a little bit about it.
And then you did an episode where you're diving into
a little bit more, which will be up next Monday.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Yes, The funny thing is the episode didn't start with
that having to do with anything, and we just got
there because you know, sometimes you talk about a situation
that's not that deep and all of a sudden you're
like processing death.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Like that's what it felt like. We literally were talking
about death.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
But on my wedding day, actually the week of my wedding,
I started getting this pimple where I thought it would
be gone by my wedding, but it actually got worse
as the week went on. No matter what I did,
and everybody was like, even the girl that did my
makeup was like, it actually looks like a beauty mark,
Like it looks just like you know, beauty marks.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
You're supposed to be proud.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Of those, and those are things that girls like wish
they had and would draw on their face. And I
just was talking to Hannah, who was my guest on
you need Therapy, about how strange that is that it's
literally the same thing.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
It was a pimple.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
But if everybody thought it was a beauty mark, I
should feel one way, But if people knew it was
a pimple, I should feel another when in the reality
it looks exactly the same.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
And I just think there's.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
A lot in that of what we are encouraged to
like and what we're encouraged to not like, and how
judgmental we are of ourselves and what we look like
and how we age and the color of our hair,
and the reality is we all are supposed to look
different and our skin's supposed to be different, and having
(02:05):
a pimple is a normal part of experiencing being a human,
but it's also something I'm taught to feel shame about.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
It's just very interesting when.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
You dive into why you think the things you think
about what you look like and how far we will
go to.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Not look like what we actually look like. I'm in that.
I'm like part of that. I do it well.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
I don't know if you know this about me because
we became friends four years ago, and this is something
I did back in like, I don't know, two thousand
and nine maybe, so. I used to have a beauty
mark right on this cheek, right in the center, and
I had it removed. You can still kind of see
signs of it. And I had a love hate relationship
(02:50):
with it because it was like, oh, well, Cindy Crawford,
she has a beauty mark right here, and you know,
suddenly because Cindy Crawford had one, it made it okay.
It's okay, regardless of Sindey Krocht. My point is there
were times as a kid that I was made fun
of for having a spot, like you have something on your.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Face, you know, oh wow? Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
I was like, oh, my beauty mark, and they're like,
you mean mole. There's just things that I carried with
me that when I realized at age late twenties or whatever,
that this one dermatologist I went to said they could
just I don't even know how they got rid of it.
I don't even remember what they did. If they cut
it out, laser zapped, I'm not sure, but it was there,
(03:29):
and then whila. I was wearing a band aid for
a few days, and then it wasn't there. But in
certain light you can still see like a hint of
a like a brown circle. I'll show it to you
next time I'm with you. But it was obvious, like
if you knew me, I had it, and then one
day I didn't. And as you're sharing that, I'm processing
some of the embarrassment I felt around something I couldn't
(03:52):
even control. And while you're talking about if the pimple
was a beauty mark, it would have been fine. And
I had a beauty mark and it still wasn't fine.
But that's because I let other people get to me,
and I let something that was told to me when
I was younger impact me. I think the work I've
done now, I probably would be like, no, I want
to keep this. This is something I've had my whole life,
(04:13):
Like why did I get rid of it too late? Now?
Speaker 3 (04:15):
But I would give yourself some grace because that's a
normal experience to be a kid, and you're told this
is something to be embarrassed about. Also hearing you say
you mean my beauty mark, and they were like, you
mean your mole, It's like, well, if it's a mole,
it's gross, but if it's a beauty mark, it's pretty.
Like it's just interesting how we have come to label
certain things. And you know, this conversation came from us
(04:39):
talking about how we would shift what we do when
we were younger in order to fit in because we
didn't want to get ostracized or made fun of, and
we wanted to be connected to people. So it almost
feels like you're getting that removed. Is like a trauma
response of like wanting to fit in and belong places.
And what I have learned as an a and I'm
(05:00):
still learning it, I have to relearn it all the time,
is that we won't fit in everywhere, Like that's okay
to not fit in somewhere, because to fit in, I
have to change things about me to assimilate to what
these people think is good, right, wrong, whatever. Rather I
now and this is all thanks to some teachings by
(05:22):
Brene Brown. But I look towards belonging places, and there
are some places that I just won't belong because belonging,
I just show up as myself and I feel safe
and I feel comfortable and I feel seen, and it
can be different than somebody else or it can be
the same. But I just am allowed to be versus
(05:42):
fitting in. I'm always constantly having to change and redirect
or rethink or whatever to fit whatever the status quo is.
And belonging ten times over always feels better than fitting in.
And so if I can reconcile the fact that sometimes
I just won't belong places like that's okay. I don't
(06:03):
know where we learn that we need to belong everywhere,
you know, Like there's some lunch tables, I don't have
to belong there because I can belong over here. Maybe
it's because some places we felt like we didn't belong anywhere.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Maybe, And I think too, it's a journey of getting
to know yourself and who are you really. I think
once you feel that ah, almost like an exhale, like
this feels safe, then it's like, oh, maybe this is
the real me and this is where I belong. Because
sometimes we put on so many different faces or fronts
throughout life we have, yeah, and then it's hard to know.
(06:36):
At least it was for me. So I'll just speak
to myself, well, who am I even really?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, because yeah, you're looking to everybody else.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
In that whole conversation we had, we didn't come up
with a solution to anything. It just was like us
vocalizing it and talking about where maybe this stuff comes from.
But I think a lot of it stems from our
earliest experience of how do I maintain our connection with people?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
So it's a survival mechanism.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
That's why I say, like, you're you getting that removed
almost feels like a trauma response of I've learned to
do this to stay in connection with people, and now
you are like, oh, I wish I wouldn't have done that. Okay,
well now you won't because you might have done the
work to realize that. But we also can't be too
hard on ourselves. God knows, I've done a lot of
stuff to fit in. And I don't want people to
(07:27):
hear this being like, oh, Catherine just like loves belonging
and she doesn't care. No I care, And you know what,
I didn't really.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Love that I had a pimpull my face on my
wedding day. But it was okay.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, I think too giving yourself grace, Like if you
have done something like I'm thinking of removing the beauty mark,
and maybe you somebody else listening chose to remove something
and you're actually like, oh, I'm glad I did it,
Like I don't. Then it's like, oh great, you have
the confidence to do what you need to do for yourself.
It's just for me. I know I did it because
(07:59):
of an security, because of what somebody else made me feel. Yeah,
there's no way to pivot out of this, So I'm
just going to bring up a new topic bucket lists.
Like we've heard of those right things you want to
do before you die? Uh huh, Well have you heard
of anti bucket lists?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Do you not remember my date that told me that
he doesn't believe in bucket lists?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Is this the where this is going?
Speaker 1 (08:23):
No? I actually forgot about that date. Is that the
same guy that didn't want to date a girl that
shopped at Target?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Yes, and he told me his passion was just sniffing flowers. Yes,
it was a very strange date. There was no date
number two. I asked him trying to create conversation. What's
one thing on your bucket list? What's one thing you
want to do before you die? And he told me
he doesn't believe in bucket lists because if he created
a bucket list, that would be him trying to control
his life. And I'm assuming that's not where you were
(08:50):
going with this, because you're looking at any funny help.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
But I'm glad you brought up that guy because he
was very interesting and you met him on Hinge too, right, I.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Did you know there were some prickly thorns in the
rose bush of Hinge?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
For me, he was definitely the prickliest.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Okay, well, anti bucket list. It's a list of something
that you will never do again. So maybe you did it,
but you're not ever gonna do it again. Like for me,
I ran a marathon when I was in college. I
will never do that again. Ever. Some people they have
huge weddings, it's like, oh, okay, nope, I will never
(09:29):
do that again. Going on a cruise. They always wanted
to do that. You know, some people might continue to
do this sort of thing, but once you've experienced it's like, eh,
I'm never doing that ever again.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Can they be things that you liked, you just don't
want to do it again.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Well, other examples would be like bungee jumping, getting married
for that matter, sleeping with a coworker, stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Okay, because it's making me think of the types of fun,
and one of the types of fun is stuff that
you enjoy it once it's over.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Like running a marathon.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
For me personally, in the moment, it was fun when
I was done with it. Like the training, I didn't
enjoy a lot of that. The longer runs. I like
the shorter ones. So that's something that I don't plan
on doing again. But then there's some things that I
did and I hated them, and that's why I'm not
going to do them again. Like there's it wasn't fun,
I didn't get anything out of it. This could be
(10:20):
either I'm assuming. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Another example that just popped into my Headcat is how
you were at spin Instructor and oh, I had decided
at one point that spinning is now on my anti
bucket list. I don't want to do spin anymore, and
I feel bad about it to this day that I
never came to one of your spin classes because I
should have. I should have set that aside and still
(10:42):
come to one of your classes, and for that, I
am sorry.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I think there's other ways you can support me rather
than do something that you hate.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I know, but I would have liked to have seen
you in that element. Okay, that'd be fun.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
I also think that, like if it's like a boundary,
like I did a lot of things in my exercise
addiction that I don't want to ever do again.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
So it's like, uh, I used to go to spin
all the time.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
When I had X RAYS addiction, so I'm not doing
That's different where I'm like, please don't come to something
that is not good for you.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Well, I think you hit the nail on the head there,
because I used to say I love spin, and I
would go to spin all the time and be like,
oh I love it, I love doing that. I love running. No, no,
I don't like running. I don't like spin. But those
were things that I thought were high calorie burns and
that's what I needed to do. And now it's like, oh, nope,
(11:34):
not going to do it. But I still stand by
the fact I should have come to one of your
classes and just not even put the tension up or
just like you know, move my legs a little bit.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
You could have done that, but it's okay. I think
on my anti bucket let list is teaching spin. I
don't plan on doing that ever again again, not because
I hated it, but because I just don't have any
intention of going back into that way of my life.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Can they be something that I never did?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Yeah, I guess, okay, okay, then bungee jumping, sky diving.
I'm not like that kind of thrill seeker, So all
of those things are on there.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I did skydiving for my twenty ninth birthday at lunchbox
and I went together, and yeah, I probably won't ever
do that again, but maybe, like if my kids one
day wanted to go, I'd probably go with them.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Oh my gosh, yeah, I would never do that.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
I think cruise, I get motion sickness or like, that's
not ever going to be on there. But I can't
think of anything that you haven't said.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
You know, you're the seven on the enneagram, so you're
like clean of fun, always looking for fun, So I
would imagine that this would be difficult for you to
come up with things. But you know, someone asked me
the other day if I was ever going to get
married again, because for some people after they've been divorced,
they're like, nope, done, not getting married again, or they've
never been married, but they are anti that and they're
(12:54):
not going to. And I thought, well, yeah, I see
myself getting married again. I would like to. I guess
I just don't know for sure if that will happen.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
As you said that, I just thought of one God.
As you said that, I just thought of one. I
will never paint a room in my house ever again.
Some people think it's soothing. I feel like it aged
(13:24):
my back fifty years. I paint in my whole house,
my old house, the whole entire house, never again. I'll
pay you a million dollars and I don't half a
million dollars just to avoid doing that.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
What about wallpaper because you wallpapered your half bath.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Wait, I did say I'm never doing that again. It
was the sticky wallpaper that No, I'm not doing that.
It's I don't have the patience. I am not an
attention to detail person. So I will not wallpaper.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Anything ever again.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Although I did think about getting one of the walls
in my office wallpaper, but I would have to hire somebody.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, I think you just have to assess, like am
I going to do this or not? I mean early
in my marriage to Ben, when we had no money
and it was our first house and we wanted to
paint everything. We painted it together and I swear we
fought more that weekend that we were painting than ever.
And I don't know what was so frustrating about it.
And some people probably can do a project like that
and it's like he's so fun and we're bonding. It
(14:20):
was not good for us at all whatsoever. But we
didn't have a choice, so we just kept on painting,
kept on fighting, and then just a lot of silent treatment,
super healthy stuff. You know.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I will never tile anything ever again. I did not
enjoy that either, Like grout, Have you ever done that?
Speaker 1 (14:37):
No?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I don't think those kinds of projects are for me.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Some people they really enjoy them, but it's too It's
just evaluating how we're all different, what we enjoy, what
we don't enjoy. And from this, I hope the takeaway
is assess how you're spending your time, what are you doing,
and if there's things you need to put on your
anti bucket list, then move them on over there and
guess what, you don't have to do them anymore.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Yeah. I mean, honestly, that relates so much to what
we were talking about before. If you get to make
decisions about what you like and what you don't like yourself,
and you don't have to keep doing something that you despise, preach.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I kind of despise daylight savings, but here we are
a couple of days into that.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Yeah, maybe that's why I feel so tired.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Are you aware that for the last you know for sure? Well,
we're recording this on Monday nights. This is going to
go up on Tuesdays, so all of Sunday, all of today,
like everything's been an hour forward. Well I know that,
everything but my oven.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Yeah right, I am my car. My car didn't change
on its own. I was so tired yesterday I was
in pain. You know what anti bucket list daylight savings?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I know. Can we finally get rid of this.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Thought we were done with them? I thought it was over?
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah, no we're not. So we'll close with some stuff
from the Sleep Foundation, and it's recommendations to get through
Daylight Savings to avoid a big hit to your sleep.
And I don't think it's too late to implement some
of this because it takes people a couple of weeks
to adjust. All right, you want the list, Yes, okay,
these are things we need to be doing to take
better care of ourselves during this daylight saving stuff. Avoid
(16:10):
alcohol before bed, establish a consistent sleep routine. Gradually alter
your bedtime. Well that's if you're getting ahead of things
too late. Now, spend time outdoors, nap in moderation, and
don't consume caffeine too close to bedtime. So that's from
the sleep foundation. Some of that stuff probably seems obvious,
but I do think that that afternoon coffee thing is
(16:34):
a habit that people get into and maybe they're not
realizing how that does impact their ability to fall asleep.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I've always believed caffeine doesn't affect me.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
I mean, it could be a lie I tell myself,
so I could have whatever I want whenever I want it.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I mean, I feel like my sixteen year old daughter
tells me all the time if she wants to have
a mountain do before bed, which we don't have mountain
dews often. I don't keep them in the house, but
every once in a while it's like her thing. She
just craves it and it'll be night time. And I
don't know if this is myth, but I always grew
up hearing that mountain dew has so much caffeine in it.
So there's lots of caffeine and sugar and yellow numbers,
(17:09):
sit like, I don't know, there's all kinds of things
in here that just on your body. And she'll look
at me and she says, mom, it does not impact me.
I can go straight to sleep. But I feel like
she's just telling me that so that I'll get her
the mountain dew and we'll be fine. So I feel like, yeah,
maybe you're just telling yourself that. Yeah, Kat, Where can
people find you.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
On Instagram at cat dot defada.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
And her podcast, which is You Need Therapy, which has
its own Instagram account at You Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Yes, you can also find me there and.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Then don't forget her Monday episode, a little cute little
chat about death and pimples.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll do a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
It's all the things, and I'm at Radio Amy. You
can also call us and leave us a voicemail eight
seven seven too oh seven two oh seven seven. We're
gonna have to do a whole therapy sit down. I
was just making sure I said those numbers right, because
did you know I was diagnosed with dyslexia.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
When on the Bobby Bone Show we had an expert
come in and like give a test and she said,
I need an intervention for dyslexia recently. Yes, it aired
today Monday.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yeah. Do we think it's valid I think.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
There is some validity to it.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Oh. And I started crying in the middle of the
first part of the test because it's like I sort
of knew.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I don't think I was ashamed. It was just this
was a public thing, and I knew I was about
to be exposed in a way for something that I
had been avoiding. I knew something was always off with me,
but I never sought help or I don't know. I
just had figured things out. So it's fine, and I
don't know what I do to figure it all out.
(18:47):
But she has emailed me since, and she gave me
a list of things to do and some books to
read and some ways that I can maybe start to
look at things that'll be more helpful because there's way
that my brain is processing and so instead of avoiding
certain things. I can now maybe do it. But if
(19:07):
I get tutoring or something like, I can I can
understand things that I previously just skip over or avoid.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
If this was a valid thing and this feels true,
I think it's interesting that I mean this in the
really kind way.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I don't know how that's going to come out.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
But through all of the therapy and people that you've
seen and tests that you've done, that you have hid
this that well from them.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Well, I don't know that they were ever testing for dyslexia.
Like it was the things we were doing I would
never do in therapy, like the reading of the words
out loud and spelling of words and some of them
the drawing of honeycombs. There was exercises that I wouldn't do.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
I mean by you saying like I had a feeling
that this might be true, but I was avoiding it.
Like I meant like, there's a part of you that
thought maybe something was wrong or off, and then you
never brought it up.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Oh I do bring it up. Just said I'm stupid.
Oh yeah, that's the narrative. It wasn't. I didn't know,
oh the why? And she said that I never had
an opportunity as a kid to get the proper help.
So therefore, the story in my head was always that.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I was like, you're stupid, David. Oh.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
And so that's been a thing and I've shared that
like oh, I'm excuse do it or I'm just not
that smart, And you know, there's narratives where teachers sometimes
have been shocked that I was able to do something. Listen,
I don't know enough about it. It just got diagnosed today.
And by diagnosed, this is a quick thing that was
done on air. But she did a certain sequence of
things that gave her enough information I would need help.
(20:34):
So it probably would have served me in second, third, fourth,
fifth grade, junior high to have had intervention and had
special help, tutors or whatever that looks like in the
public schools. I don't know, because I mean I went
to public school. I don't know what they had for
us back then. I don't even remember anybody that I
went to school with being dyslexic. Wow.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
More on this to come.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Yeah, more on this to come, because maybe there is
a reason here, and that feels good. It feels good
to know that I learn in a different way that
wasn't for me, and so I've had to figure out
other methods and that was I think the release of
the tears.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
What gave y'all the idea to even bring somebody on
the show to do this.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Eddie thought he was dyslexic because he's been having trouble
and he finally was like, I'd like to get tested.
So then a listener called in and said, hey, I
have a PhD.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
And whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
I was an educator for years, then my son was
diagnosed with dyslexia, so I went back and got further training.
And she's like, then I helped him all through school.
He's about to graduate college, and she turned it into
her job of helping diagnose and tutor mostly I think
children with ADHD, but she works with adults do.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So this wasn't even supposed to be about you.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
No, but Bobby said, well, shoot, if you're coming up here,
let's all get tested. And then Laila.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Well, it sounds like if it could be something helpful,
so I can't wait to hear if you get formally diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
She's certified to do what she was doing. It's not
like some random person. But I do think that there's
more to it, because again I don't know her. They're
different levels. All right, Well, I hope y'all are having
the day that you need to have. Now, Kat, go
go make dinner for your husband like a good wife.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Husband.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I'm just kidding. It's your night, though, I know.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
That makes me want to do the opposite.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Well, I will clarify that Kat's husband cooked dinner last night,
and so they alternate, and tonight is her night, and
she's going to do a Hello Fresh meal home chef. Oh,
she's going to do a home chef whichever. Yeah, those
one of those services. They're all the same, and it's
probably going to take about fifteen minutes. So go get
your shrimp on.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
And the good news is if I cook, I don't
have to clean.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I love so you y'all already have this whole husband
and white thing figured out.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I love it. Yeah, we're really good at it.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Okay, all right, love you, bye bye,
Happy Tuesday, Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Cat. And today's quote, well, it's come in straight
from Cat's mouth and I'm gonna quote her and it's
from her wedding day. But we were just talking about
it before we hit record, and it's if it was
a beauty market, be okay. But because it's a pimple,
it's not okay. And I don't know if any of
(00:24):
y'all have felt the way Cat felt on her wedding day,
but I'm gonna have her share a little bit about it.
And then you did an episode where you're diving into
a little bit more, which will be up next Monday.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Yes, The funny thing is the episode didn't start with
that having to do with anything, and we just got
there because you know, sometimes you talk about a situation
that's not that deep and all of a sudden you're
like processing death.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Like that's what it felt like. We literally were talking
about death.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
But on my wedding day, actually the week of my wedding,
I started getting this pimple where I thought it would
be gone by my wedding, but it actually got worse
as the week went on. No matter what I did,
and everybody was like, even the girl that did my
makeup was like, it actually looks like a beauty mark,
Like it looks just like you know, beauty marks.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
You're supposed to be proud.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Of those, and those are things that girls like wish
they had and would draw on their face. And I
just was talking to Hannah, who was my guest on
you need Therapy, about how strange that is that it's
literally the same thing.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
It was a pimple.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
But if everybody thought it was a beauty mark, I
should feel one way, But if people knew it was
a pimple, I should feel another when in the reality
it looks exactly the same.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
And I just think there's.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
A lot in that of what we are encouraged to
like and what we're encouraged to not like, and how
judgmental we are of ourselves and what we look like
and how we age and the color of our hair,
and the reality is we all are supposed to look
different and our skin's supposed to be different, and having
(02:05):
a pimple is a normal part of experiencing being a human,
but it's also something I'm taught to feel shame about.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
It's just very interesting when.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
You dive into why you think the things you think
about what you look like and how far we will
go to.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Not look like what we actually look like. I'm in that.
I'm like part of that. I do it well.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
I don't know if you know this about me because
we became friends four years ago, and this is something
I did back in like, I don't know, two thousand
and nine maybe, so. I used to have a beauty
mark right on this cheek, right in the center, and
I had it removed. You can still kind of see
signs of it. And I had a love hate relationship
(02:50):
with it because it was like, oh, well, Cindy Crawford,
she has a beauty mark right here, and you know,
suddenly because Cindy Crawford had one, it made it okay.
It's okay, regardless of Sindey Krocht. My point is there
were times as a kid that I was made fun
of for having a spot, like you have something on your.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Face, you know, oh wow? Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
I was like, oh, my beauty mark, and they're like,
you mean mole. There's just things that I carried with
me that when I realized at age late twenties or whatever,
that this one dermatologist I went to said they could
just I don't even know how they got rid of it.
I don't even remember what they did. If they cut
it out, laser zapped, I'm not sure, but it was there,
(03:29):
and then whila. I was wearing a band aid for
a few days, and then it wasn't there. But in
certain light you can still see like a hint of
a like a brown circle. I'll show it to you
next time I'm with you. But it was obvious, like
if you knew me, I had it, and then one
day I didn't. And as you're sharing that, I'm processing
some of the embarrassment I felt around something I couldn't
(03:52):
even control. And while you're talking about if the pimple
was a beauty mark, it would have been fine. And
I had a beauty mark and it still wasn't fine.
But that's because I let other people get to me,
and I let something that was told to me when
I was younger impact me. I think the work I've
done now, I probably would be like, no, I want
to keep this. This is something I've had my whole life,
(04:13):
Like why did I get rid of it too late? Now?
Speaker 3 (04:15):
But I would give yourself some grace because that's a
normal experience to be a kid, and you're told this
is something to be embarrassed about. Also hearing you say
you mean my beauty mark, and they were like, you
mean your mole, It's like, well, if it's a mole,
it's gross, but if it's a beauty mark, it's pretty.
Like it's just interesting how we have come to label
certain things. And you know, this conversation came from us
(04:39):
talking about how we would shift what we do when
we were younger in order to fit in because we
didn't want to get ostracized or made fun of, and
we wanted to be connected to people. So it almost
feels like you're getting that removed. Is like a trauma
response of like wanting to fit in and belong places.
And what I have learned as an a and I'm
(05:00):
still learning it, I have to relearn it all the time,
is that we won't fit in everywhere, Like that's okay
to not fit in somewhere, because to fit in, I
have to change things about me to assimilate to what
these people think is good, right, wrong, whatever. Rather I
now and this is all thanks to some teachings by
(05:22):
Brene Brown. But I look towards belonging places, and there
are some places that I just won't belong because belonging,
I just show up as myself and I feel safe
and I feel comfortable and I feel seen, and it
can be different than somebody else or it can be
the same. But I just am allowed to be versus
(05:42):
fitting in. I'm always constantly having to change and redirect
or rethink or whatever to fit whatever the status quo is.
And belonging ten times over always feels better than fitting in.
And so if I can reconcile the fact that sometimes
I just won't belong places like that's okay. I don't
(06:03):
know where we learn that we need to belong everywhere,
you know, Like there's some lunch tables, I don't have
to belong there because I can belong over here. Maybe
it's because some places we felt like we didn't belong anywhere.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Maybe, And I think too, it's a journey of getting
to know yourself and who are you really. I think
once you feel that ah, almost like an exhale, like
this feels safe, then it's like, oh, maybe this is
the real me and this is where I belong. Because
sometimes we put on so many different faces or fronts
throughout life we have, yeah, and then it's hard to know.
(06:36):
At least it was for me. So I'll just speak
to myself, well, who am I even really?
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, because yeah, you're looking to everybody else.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
In that whole conversation we had, we didn't come up
with a solution to anything. It just was like us
vocalizing it and talking about where maybe this stuff comes from.
But I think a lot of it stems from our
earliest experience of how do I maintain our connection with people?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
So it's a survival mechanism.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
That's why I say, like, you're you getting that removed
almost feels like a trauma response of I've learned to
do this to stay in connection with people, and now
you are like, oh, I wish I wouldn't have done that. Okay,
well now you won't because you might have done the
work to realize that. But we also can't be too
hard on ourselves. God knows, I've done a lot of
stuff to fit in. And I don't want people to
(07:27):
hear this being like, oh, Catherine just like loves belonging
and she doesn't care. No I care, And you know what,
I didn't really.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Love that I had a pimpull my face on my
wedding day. But it was okay.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Well, I think too giving yourself grace, Like if you
have done something like I'm thinking of removing the beauty mark,
and maybe you somebody else listening chose to remove something
and you're actually like, oh, I'm glad I did it,
Like I don't. Then it's like, oh great, you have
the confidence to do what you need to do for yourself.
It's just for me. I know I did it because
(07:59):
of an security, because of what somebody else made me feel. Yeah,
there's no way to pivot out of this, So I'm
just going to bring up a new topic bucket lists.
Like we've heard of those right things you want to
do before you die? Uh huh, Well have you heard
of anti bucket lists?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
Do you not remember my date that told me that
he doesn't believe in bucket lists?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Is this the where this is going?
Speaker 1 (08:23):
No? I actually forgot about that date. Is that the
same guy that didn't want to date a girl that
shopped at Target?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Yes, and he told me his passion was just sniffing flowers. Yes,
it was a very strange date. There was no date
number two. I asked him trying to create conversation. What's
one thing on your bucket list? What's one thing you
want to do before you die? And he told me
he doesn't believe in bucket lists because if he created
a bucket list, that would be him trying to control
his life. And I'm assuming that's not where you were
(08:50):
going with this, because you're looking at any funny help.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
But I'm glad you brought up that guy because he
was very interesting and you met him on Hinge too, right, I.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Did you know there were some prickly thorns in the
rose bush of Hinge?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
For me, he was definitely the prickliest.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Okay, well, anti bucket list. It's a list of something
that you will never do again. So maybe you did it,
but you're not ever gonna do it again. Like for me,
I ran a marathon when I was in college. I
will never do that again. Ever. Some people they have
huge weddings, it's like, oh, okay, nope, I will never
(09:29):
do that again. Going on a cruise. They always wanted
to do that. You know, some people might continue to
do this sort of thing, but once you've experienced it's like, eh,
I'm never doing that ever again.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Can they be things that you liked, you just don't
want to do it again.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Well, other examples would be like bungee jumping, getting married
for that matter, sleeping with a coworker, stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Okay, because it's making me think of the types of fun,
and one of the types of fun is stuff that
you enjoy it once it's over.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Like running a marathon.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
For me personally, in the moment, it was fun when
I was done with it. Like the training, I didn't
enjoy a lot of that. The longer runs. I like
the shorter ones. So that's something that I don't plan
on doing again. But then there's some things that I
did and I hated them, and that's why I'm not
going to do them again. Like there's it wasn't fun,
I didn't get anything out of it. This could be
(10:20):
either I'm assuming. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Another example that just popped into my Headcat is how
you were at spin Instructor and oh, I had decided
at one point that spinning is now on my anti
bucket list. I don't want to do spin anymore, and
I feel bad about it to this day that I
never came to one of your spin classes because I
should have. I should have set that aside and still
(10:42):
come to one of your classes, and for that, I
am sorry.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I think there's other ways you can support me rather
than do something that you hate.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I know, but I would have liked to have seen
you in that element. Okay, that'd be fun.
Speaker 3 (10:54):
I also think that, like if it's like a boundary,
like I did a lot of things in my exercise
addiction that I don't want to ever do again.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
So it's like, uh, I used to go to spin
all the time.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
When I had X RAYS addiction, so I'm not doing
That's different where I'm like, please don't come to something
that is not good for you.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Well, I think you hit the nail on the head there,
because I used to say I love spin, and I
would go to spin all the time and be like,
oh I love it, I love doing that. I love running. No, no,
I don't like running. I don't like spin. But those
were things that I thought were high calorie burns and
that's what I needed to do. And now it's like, oh, nope,
(11:34):
not going to do it. But I still stand by
the fact I should have come to one of your
classes and just not even put the tension up or
just like you know, move my legs a little bit.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
You could have done that, but it's okay. I think
on my anti bucket let list is teaching spin. I
don't plan on doing that ever again again, not because
I hated it, but because I just don't have any
intention of going back into that way of my life.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Can they be something that I never did?
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Yeah, I guess, okay, okay, then bungee jumping, sky diving.
I'm not like that kind of thrill seeker, So all
of those things are on there.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I did skydiving for my twenty ninth birthday at lunchbox
and I went together, and yeah, I probably won't ever
do that again, but maybe, like if my kids one
day wanted to go, I'd probably go with them.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Oh my gosh, yeah, I would never do that.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
I think cruise, I get motion sickness or like, that's
not ever going to be on there. But I can't
think of anything that you haven't said.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
You know, you're the seven on the enneagram, so you're
like clean of fun, always looking for fun, So I
would imagine that this would be difficult for you to
come up with things. But you know, someone asked me
the other day if I was ever going to get
married again, because for some people after they've been divorced,
they're like, nope, done, not getting married again, or they've
never been married, but they are anti that and they're
(12:54):
not going to. And I thought, well, yeah, I see
myself getting married again. I would like to. I guess
I just don't know for sure if that will happen.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
As you said that, I just thought of one God.
As you said that, I just thought of one. I
will never paint a room in my house ever again.
Some people think it's soothing. I feel like it aged
(13:24):
my back fifty years. I paint in my whole house,
my old house, the whole entire house, never again. I'll
pay you a million dollars and I don't half a
million dollars just to avoid doing that.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
What about wallpaper because you wallpapered your half bath.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Wait, I did say I'm never doing that again. It
was the sticky wallpaper that No, I'm not doing that.
It's I don't have the patience. I am not an
attention to detail person. So I will not wallpaper.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Anything ever again.
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Although I did think about getting one of the walls
in my office wallpaper, but I would have to hire somebody.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Yeah, I think you just have to assess, like am
I going to do this or not? I mean early
in my marriage to Ben, when we had no money
and it was our first house and we wanted to
paint everything. We painted it together and I swear we
fought more that weekend that we were painting than ever.
And I don't know what was so frustrating about it.
And some people probably can do a project like that
and it's like he's so fun and we're bonding. It
(14:20):
was not good for us at all whatsoever. But we
didn't have a choice, so we just kept on painting,
kept on fighting, and then just a lot of silent treatment,
super healthy stuff. You know.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I will never tile anything ever again. I did not
enjoy that either, Like grout, Have you ever done that?
Speaker 1 (14:37):
No?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I don't think those kinds of projects are for me.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Some people they really enjoy them, but it's too It's
just evaluating how we're all different, what we enjoy, what
we don't enjoy. And from this, I hope the takeaway
is assess how you're spending your time, what are you doing,
and if there's things you need to put on your
anti bucket list, then move them on over there and
guess what, you don't have to do them anymore.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Yeah. I mean, honestly, that relates so much to what
we were talking about before. If you get to make
decisions about what you like and what you don't like yourself,
and you don't have to keep doing something that you despise, preach.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I kind of despise daylight savings, but here we are
a couple of days into that.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Yeah, maybe that's why I feel so tired.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Are you aware that for the last you know for sure? Well,
we're recording this on Monday nights. This is going to
go up on Tuesdays, so all of Sunday, all of today,
like everything's been an hour forward. Well I know that,
everything but my oven.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Yeah right, I am my car. My car didn't change
on its own. I was so tired yesterday I was
in pain. You know what anti bucket list daylight savings?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I know. Can we finally get rid of this.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Thought we were done with them? I thought it was over?
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah, no we're not. So we'll close with some stuff
from the Sleep Foundation, and it's recommendations to get through
Daylight Savings to avoid a big hit to your sleep.
And I don't think it's too late to implement some
of this because it takes people a couple of weeks
to adjust. All right, you want the list, Yes, okay,
these are things we need to be doing to take
better care of ourselves during this daylight saving stuff. Avoid
(16:10):
alcohol before bed, establish a consistent sleep routine. Gradually alter
your bedtime. Well that's if you're getting ahead of things
too late. Now, spend time outdoors, nap in moderation, and
don't consume caffeine too close to bedtime. So that's from
the sleep foundation. Some of that stuff probably seems obvious,
but I do think that that afternoon coffee thing is
(16:34):
a habit that people get into and maybe they're not
realizing how that does impact their ability to fall asleep.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I've always believed caffeine doesn't affect me.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
I mean, it could be a lie I tell myself,
so I could have whatever I want whenever I want it.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I mean, I feel like my sixteen year old daughter
tells me all the time if she wants to have
a mountain do before bed, which we don't have mountain
dews often. I don't keep them in the house, but
every once in a while it's like her thing. She
just craves it and it'll be night time. And I
don't know if this is myth, but I always grew
up hearing that mountain dew has so much caffeine in it.
So there's lots of caffeine and sugar and yellow numbers,
(17:09):
sit like, I don't know, there's all kinds of things
in here that just on your body. And she'll look
at me and she says, mom, it does not impact me.
I can go straight to sleep. But I feel like
she's just telling me that so that I'll get her
the mountain dew and we'll be fine. So I feel like, yeah,
maybe you're just telling yourself that. Yeah, Kat, Where can
people find you.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
On Instagram at cat dot defada.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
And her podcast, which is You Need Therapy, which has
its own Instagram account at You Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
Yes, you can also find me there and.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Then don't forget her Monday episode, a little cute little
chat about death and pimples.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll do a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
It's all the things, and I'm at Radio Amy. You
can also call us and leave us a voicemail eight
seven seven too oh seven two oh seven seven. We're
gonna have to do a whole therapy sit down. I
was just making sure I said those numbers right, because
did you know I was diagnosed with dyslexia.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
When on the Bobby Bone Show we had an expert
come in and like give a test and she said,
I need an intervention for dyslexia recently. Yes, it aired
today Monday.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yeah. Do we think it's valid I think.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
There is some validity to it.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Oh. And I started crying in the middle of the
first part of the test because it's like I sort
of knew.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I don't think I was ashamed. It was just this
was a public thing, and I knew I was about
to be exposed in a way for something that I
had been avoiding. I knew something was always off with me,
but I never sought help or I don't know. I
just had figured things out. So it's fine, and I
don't know what I do to figure it all out.
(18:47):
But she has emailed me since, and she gave me
a list of things to do and some books to
read and some ways that I can maybe start to
look at things that'll be more helpful because there's way
that my brain is processing and so instead of avoiding
certain things. I can now maybe do it. But if
(19:07):
I get tutoring or something like, I can I can
understand things that I previously just skip over or avoid.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
If this was a valid thing and this feels true,
I think it's interesting that I mean this in the
really kind way.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I don't know how that's going to come out.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
But through all of the therapy and people that you've
seen and tests that you've done, that you have hid
this that well from them.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Well, I don't know that they were ever testing for dyslexia.
Like it was the things we were doing I would
never do in therapy, like the reading of the words
out loud and spelling of words and some of them
the drawing of honeycombs. There was exercises that I wouldn't do.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
I mean by you saying like I had a feeling
that this might be true, but I was avoiding it.
Like I meant like, there's a part of you that
thought maybe something was wrong or off, and then you
never brought it up.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Oh I do bring it up. Just said I'm stupid.
Oh yeah, that's the narrative. It wasn't. I didn't know,
oh the why? And she said that I never had
an opportunity as a kid to get the proper help.
So therefore, the story in my head was always that.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I was like, you're stupid, David. Oh.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
And so that's been a thing and I've shared that
like oh, I'm excuse do it or I'm just not
that smart, And you know, there's narratives where teachers sometimes
have been shocked that I was able to do something. Listen,
I don't know enough about it. It just got diagnosed today.
And by diagnosed, this is a quick thing that was
done on air. But she did a certain sequence of
things that gave her enough information I would need help.
(20:34):
So it probably would have served me in second, third, fourth,
fifth grade, junior high to have had intervention and had
special help, tutors or whatever that looks like in the
public schools. I don't know, because I mean I went
to public school. I don't know what they had for
us back then. I don't even remember anybody that I
went to school with being dyslexic. Wow.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
More on this to come.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Yeah, more on this to come, because maybe there is
a reason here, and that feels good. It feels good
to know that I learn in a different way that
wasn't for me, and so I've had to figure out
other methods and that was I think the release of
the tears.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
What gave y'all the idea to even bring somebody on
the show to do this.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Eddie thought he was dyslexic because he's been having trouble
and he finally was like, I'd like to get tested.
So then a listener called in and said, hey, I
have a PhD.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
And whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
I was an educator for years, then my son was
diagnosed with dyslexia, so I went back and got further training.
And she's like, then I helped him all through school.
He's about to graduate college, and she turned it into
her job of helping diagnose and tutor mostly I think
children with ADHD, but she works with adults do.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So this wasn't even supposed to be about you.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
No, but Bobby said, well, shoot, if you're coming up here,
let's all get tested. And then Laila.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Well, it sounds like if it could be something helpful,
so I can't wait to hear if you get formally diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
She's certified to do what she was doing. It's not
like some random person. But I do think that there's
more to it, because again I don't know her. They're
different levels. All right, Well, I hope y'all are having
the day that you need to have. Now, Kat, go
go make dinner for your husband like a good wife.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Husband.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I'm just kidding. It's your night, though, I know.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
That makes me want to do the opposite.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Well, I will clarify that Kat's husband cooked dinner last night,
and so they alternate, and tonight is her night, and
she's going to do a Hello Fresh meal home chef. Oh,
she's going to do a home chef whichever. Yeah, those
one of those services. They're all the same, and it's
probably going to take about fifteen minutes. So go get
your shrimp on.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
And the good news is if I cook, I don't
have to clean.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I love so you y'all already have this whole husband
and white thing figured out.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I love it. Yeah, we're really good at it.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Okay, all right, love you, bye bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.