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August 21, 2025 15 mins

This week, Amy and Kat are tackling a listener question that many couples can probably relate to: What can men do when they don’t really understand hormonal mood swings—but also don’t want to feel like they’re constantly on the receiving end of them? Whether you’re the one experiencing the mood swings or the partner trying to navigate them, this episode is about building understanding, grace, and a little humor into the messy, human parts of relationships.

Because at the end of the day—feelings are real, hormones are powerful, and connection is possible when we slow down enough to feel things together.

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Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com

HOSTS:

Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy

Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down. If you ever have feelings
that you just fons Amy and Cat gotcha covin locking
them brother, ladies and folks, do you just follow an
the spirit where it's all the real stuff to the
chill stuff and am but Swayne. Sometimes the best thing
you can do it Jill, stop you feel things. This

(00:27):
is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Hi, guys, and welcome to Couch Talks, the Thursday episode
of the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Kat, and today I
am taking over for a solo episode and Amy will
be back on Tuesday, so do not worry now. Quick
disclaimer before we get into today's question that although we
are answering your questions and I am a therapist, this

(00:50):
does not serve as a replacement for therapy or any
actual mental health services. However, we always hope that this
podcast helps whoever's listening to it in some way at
some point in their life. Now, today's email is one
I think that a lot of people are going to
relate to, specifically a lot of our listeners, so I

(01:11):
want to just jump right into it. So here's the email,
and then we're going to talk about what I think after.
So here we go. Hey, gals, I absolutely love your
podcast and I feel like you guys are my best friends.
With all your talk about hormones and mood swings and everything,
I'm hoping you can share some advice for the men
in our lives who have to deal with our unpredictable moods.

(01:35):
I've recently had some hormonal changes and my poor husband
often gets the brunt of my outbursts, tears, and irritability.
Do you have any tips for the men who don't
understand the mood swings and don't deserve to be on
the receiving end. Ps Maybe Amy, your sweet boyfriend, could
make this podcast say view for this, or a big
p could return and share his perspective. Thank you so

(01:56):
much for always making us laugh, your friend, Emily and Caliph.
I did ask Patrick if he would participate and he
politely declined, But I will share a little something that
we talked about as I go through this question. But
I think this is such a good topic whether or
not you're married or in a relationship, This is just
helpful to talk about because if you're a woman, you

(02:17):
have hormones and then this applies and things change and
your feelings change. And sometimes you don't feel like yourself
and you react in ways that don't feel like yourself.
So I think any woman can relate to talking about
how to kind of handle what happens within you and
how you sometimes treat other people during different phases of

(02:39):
your own cycle. And it honestly can be very unsettling.
And I feel like I'm preaching to the choir because
we have majority of women listeners and they're like, yeah,
I know, this is what we all go through, but
it really is unsettling when you don't feel like yourself
and you have this awareness that your emotions don't fit,
but they are your emotions, so they do it because

(03:00):
it's what you feel. And in general, other women are
going to be more understanding and forgiving because they can
relate and they know what this can feel like and
how it shows up. And men don't really have that
experience to pull from, and I think it is thrown
off as you know, an eye roll and ugh women
or something like that, rather than being able to have

(03:23):
this like true compassion and empathy for the situation or
what's going on with us. And I think recently this
has become more of a thing that people are willing
to talk about and really share about and be honest about.
But what our bodies go through is kind of crazy.
And I'm in my mid thirties, I'm like, why did
I not learn about what really is happening within my

(03:44):
body when I was in my early twenties or even
in my teenage years when I was going through puberty.
You don't really understand the gravity of what is happening
within your body. And there has been so much power
that I have gained from understanding more about my psych
And so the first thing I will say is to
anybody who wants to help the people in their lives

(04:05):
understand what's going on with them, take some time for you.
And I'm not saying that you'ven't done this, but like,
educate yourself, because we have to go out and seek it.
It's not something that is I think thought of. Even
within our doctor's appointments and our women's health appointments, we
don't really get the education that I think we deserve.
And so we have to become advocates for ourselves and

(04:27):
go and fight and find that. And that has been
so helpful and so powerful for me to offer compassion
to myself. So then I can ask for some compassion
for the people that are in my life and maybe
don't understand. And when it comes to how do we
help the people in our lives, what I would really
sit down and do is ask yourself the question, what

(04:48):
do I want my partner to know about the changes
that happen or are happening within me? And in those
times when things are shifting, is there also anything that
I need from my partner? Because if we are in
healthy relationships, if we're going through something tough, our partners
are going to want to support us and they're also
going to want to know what's going on. So this

(05:09):
can be just as much for you as it is
for them in allowing them to not get the brunt
of your shifting emotions. This can be just as much
for you as what do you need in those moments
when your emotions are shifting and you do not have
total control? That is something that has been so helpful
to remind myself. I don't have control of this. I

(05:32):
do not have total control in this. There are things
that I can do that can help in the moment.
There are things I can do that can help prepare,
but I cannot control what's happening within my body. I
am a responder to that, and so how do I
learn how to respond in a way that makes me
feel the best. So, for example, maybe you prefer when

(05:54):
something's going on with you and your mood is shifting,
that your partner asks ask you how you're doing in
a certain way versus what's wrong with you or what's
gotten in with you? Or are you on your period?
Maybe you prefer him to ask like, hey, how are
you doing? Like is there something that you need from him?
In that way? And I had actually asked my husband

(06:18):
to ask me the next time I was acting not
like myself and was being a little irrational and was
showing up as more irritable as I usually am. I
asked him, like, next time I do that, can you
just ask if I'm on my period or if I'm
about to start my period? And he looked at me
and he said, I absolutely am not going to do that,

(06:40):
which is fair, and I think in the moment that
wouldn't play off. I said that in a very calm state,
and so if you said that when I was feeling
not so calm, I don't know that that would have
gone over so well. But what I wanted was to
find a way for my husband to understand what was
happening with me. So I wanted him to be able
to like almost say hey, like I needed a pause,

(07:01):
And so we came up with some other ways for
him to like ask me in the moment or for
us to prepare for that. And you can also if
you are an avid listener of this podcast, you know
that Amy and I have our sib thing where if
we're acting mean or we're being kind of, you know,
not so kind of each other, we'll say hey, sib
and it kind of brings some levity to a could

(07:24):
be kind of tension fueled conversation, And it's our way
of saying like, hey, do we need a pause? Or Hey,
are you okay? And so if you can come up
with something like that from your husband or your partner
or your friends, that can be very helpful, like a
very little shift of Hey, if you notice that I'm
being off or something's up, can you just ask me
if I'm okay or ask me how I'm doing. Maybe

(07:47):
that is even better because sometimes when people are like
are you okay, it can feel a little bit, you know, condescending,
It can also be really helpful for your partner to
know your cycle. So with our friends, you know sometimes
we so we know and stuff is coming, but your
husband probably does not have any idea of what's happening
when it happens, and that things happen even when you're

(08:09):
not on your period, and things happen right before your
period starts. That has been one of the most helpful
tips for me is to really learn and every single
different part of your cycle. Look at what's shifting hormonally
in your body and what that can create personality wise,
energy wise, all of the things. So if you want

(08:29):
to track your cycle, and then you can also track like, oh,
during this phase, I usually feel this in this phase,
this happens, in this phase, this happens. You can share
that with your partner and then he can be like, Okay,
I know what to expect. I also, you guys can
talk about in those moments, what do you need? So
he knows what to expect, and then he also knows
how to support you. Because again, if we are in

(08:52):
healthy relationships, our partners are going to want to support us.
This also comes I feel like I already said this,
but I think women need to have this like reckoning
that their cycle is pretty crazy, like not crazy as
it like it's mentally insane, but crazy as in, this

(09:13):
is a wild thing that you go through, like wild
thing that was happening within your body, and let's try
not to minimize that just because it happens every month.
I think that is like more like to me, I'm like,
oh my gosh, this happens every month. We've become immune
to it that, like, oh, this is just what our
bodies do. And I think also there hasn't been space

(09:33):
for us to take the time we need or talk
about things. We just kind of have to like act
like it's not happening to move on. But I mean,
I know I have worked through some days where I
had crippling cramps, you know, not even like the mood
swings and stuff like that, just the physical experience of
you can't there's not space for you to call out
or not do certain things because you are having cramps.

(09:56):
But and we've minimized those cramps, but they I mean,
they can add on another word like crippling, Like if
I was allowed to, I think I would, and I
allowed to I think is a loose word there. But
if there was space for me to stay home in
bed all day on some of those days. I would like,
that's how terrible it feels. But we have like a

(10:18):
little bit gasled ourselves that it's not that bad. And
therefore men don't have the awareness either. If I am
acting tough all the time, my husband can't offer me compassion,
he can't understand the pain I'm in. If I'm saying
I'm fine, I'm fine, it's not a big deal. So
a big part of this, I think, in even tracking

(10:38):
your cycle and looking at what's going on within your
cycle is to really become attuned to your body and
listen to it versus try to ignore it or push
through it. What really is going on, What really is
happening emotionally, mentally, physically, even spiritually, Like what really is
going on in each state? And it might take a

(10:59):
couple of cycles for you to really understand that because
you're so used to blowing it off. Now, after you
do that, then, like I said, you can share that
with your partner and you can know, like if I
become super irritable at this point in my cycle, I
can give my partner a heads up I might snap
this week, just say you know, and I want you
to know that if I do that, I love you

(11:21):
and it's not totally me that's doing the snapping. And
in those moments, i'd like for you to, you know,
just breathe calmly or it'd be really helpful when I
get really worked up over something if you can try
your best to remain calm, because that can help settle me.
Because you know, when we do get in those moments
and we get in those fights or spats or whatever,

(11:41):
a lot of times we're meeting people at their level
and so we end up just like climbing the staircase
of intensity. So if your husband knows or your partner knows, hey,
when she does that snappy thing, what she needs from
me is to remain calm to help her settle back down.
That's all I gotta do. I just have to breathe
and talk to her really calmly and move through that.

(12:03):
So not everybody's cycles look the same and not everybody's
experiences look the same through that. So I don't have
a ton of tangible advice around that. But I think
the biggest thing here that I want to share with
you guys is get to know yourself. And your body
more so then you can share that. And the more
that your partner knows, the more that they can be
there for you. And the more that you offer yourself compassion,

(12:26):
the more that you acknowledge what's going on with you
is going to give a better opportunity for you to
let your partner know what's going on. This can be
like the year of admitting how hard this is for us.
And I wonder, as I'm sitting here talking, this is
just a thought that came into my head, so it's
not really based on anything, but I wonder if part

(12:47):
of this can be for me. I'll speak for myself.
How about that part of my irritability or part of
my mood shifts during certain parts of my cycle. I
wonder if it's a little bit of this like bubbling
up of me not allowing to feel what's really going on,
you know. And if I was allowed to just feel
really tired that day, if I was allowed to feel

(13:08):
really sad that day, if I was allowed to feel
not myself that day, would I be able to show
up as more myself? You know? It's like this kind
of backwards thought of if I was allowed to do that,
would I not even need to do that as much.
I don't know, and so I would hope that if
we allow ourselves to really feel our feelings, then we

(13:31):
can show up more authentically and we might not be
as you know. I don't want to use the word
tightly wound because that feels really negative, but sometimes that is.
It's like I'm white knuckling it through certain parts of
my cycle versus being like, if I need to freak out,
I can freak out, and just allowing that space to
freak out might take the need to freak out away.

(13:52):
Not always going to be the case, but I don't know.
That's just a thought that just popped into my head.
So all that to say, I hope that this was helpful.
And I don't usually have exact things for people to
do when they write in and ask questions, but I
think just understanding yourself so you can share and have
your partner know more about you, so they have the

(14:13):
opportunity to understand you more so than not. Disagreements, arguments, tension, conflict,
all of that comes because there is a lack of understanding.
And if we are both in the business of understanding
ourselves and understanding each other, then a lot of that
stuff can be mitigated, and we're still going to have tension,

(14:34):
and we're still going to have conflict, but we're going
to be able to recover from it a lot better
and feel cared for through it. I think having conflict
and being cared for through that conflict is one of
the best things that happens in loving relationships is being
seen through those tough times and cared for through those
tough times. So all that's say, how this was helpful.

(14:55):
If anybody else has tips or ideas, you can send
that to us and we can share them with everybody
on the podcast as well, because I know we can
all learn through each other through each other's experiences too.
We will be back on Tuesday and Amy will be
back with me for your normally scheduled feeling things a
Tuesday episode. Until then, I hope you guys have the
day you need to have. Bye.

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