August 28, 2025 • 18 mins
Amy & Kat respond to a listener navigating a classic parenting dilemma: should she encourage her 14-year-old daughter to invite a girl that doesn’t have many friends to her birthday dinner, even though she isn’t part of her close friend group? Amy & Kat explore the balance between boundaries and empathy, why it’s important to give teens ownership of their social lives, and how parents can model compassion without forcing it.
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Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down. If you ever have feelings
that you just fons Amy and Cat gotcha covincking No, brother,
Ladies and folks, do you just follow an the spirit
where it's all the front over real stuff, tell the
chill stuff and the m but Swayne, sometimes the best
thing you can do it just stop you feel things.
(00:27):
This is Feeling Things with.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Amy and Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm
Cat and our email today is anonymous.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
And before read the email a disclaimer.
Speaker 5 (00:43):
Forgot about the disclaimer.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Even though we're answering your questions, this does not serve
as a replacement or substitute for actual therapy, and we
hope it helps you.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
And I think that you might relate to this, especially
if you're a parent or you were ever a kid.
If you're adult now, well yeah, kids and friends and
parties and people feeling left out.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
And if you went to middle school or high school,
you might relate to this. You might.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Hi, Amy and Kat, I'm a longtime listener of you
both and the Bobby Bone Show. I love your new podcast,
Feeling Things. I Know you're not aware of this, but
both of you are my office coworkers. You keep me
entertained two days a week. My husband and I work
together at our small shop, just the two of us,
which is great. However, he is all that I have
to talk to during the day, unless you also count
(01:35):
the stray dog that I let in the office to
escape the heat. So thank you for saving my sanity
some days. It is much appreciated. I am needing some advice.
My daughter's birthday is quickly approaching, and for her party,
she wants her dad and I to take her and
some friends to dinner. There's one girl I would like
for her to invite because I know that she doesn't
(01:56):
have many friends. They're not really in the same friend group,
and they no longer go to school together, but they
do share other activities together. The girl is not mean,
and I don't think that my daughter's problem is with
her per se. I think it is more maybe with
other people in her family. There's other details in here,
(02:16):
but I'm choosing to omit them, especially because she wanted
to remain anonymous and I don't want to give anything away.
But the gist of it is this mom wants her
daughter to invite this other girl to her birthday dinner,
and she's asking us what we should do. So I'll
read the final part of the email. I understand it's
(02:40):
a great thing to have boundaries and to decide who
you want to be friends with and who you want
to let in your life. But I do want her
to understand compassion and empathy. So my question is should
I have her invite this girl to the party so
feelings aren't hurt, or should I let her make her
own decision? Thank you two is a therapist, which I
(03:02):
do think that as therapists probably sometimes you have to
juggle your therapy type answer and then you're human type answer.
I feel for this mom, knowing if one of my
kids was in this situation.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
As the being invited, or it's her party well being
the mom that maybe wanted their kid to include another kid.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
So I'll tell you what I would do, and you
can tell me if it's appropriate. I wouldn't make my
kids invite the person, but I would suggest I would say, hey,
I know that you've made your list, I don't see
so and so on. Here. Something I would love for
you to consider is I don't know that she has
many people to hang out with. It seems like you
(03:47):
have a lot of really great friends that are coming.
If it wouldn't be too uncomfortable, Like do you think
it'd be okay if she joined the group and your
dad and I are going to be there. We can
even kind of sitter towards us, like I don't to
make you uncomfortable, but like we could just include her,
and maybe that would be a way to just include people.
(04:07):
But it is your birthday, So I'm letting you know
my thoughts on this. If you want to take the
next twenty four hours or so to think about it,
and then we can make the reservations and you let
me know or something like that.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
I feel like that's how I would phrase.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
It to one of my kids, and then whatever they
decided after that twenty four hours, I would respect. So
if they came back and obviously agreed with me invited her,
I'd be like yay. But if they came back and said, hey,
I really just want my closest friends there, that would
be most special for me and my birthday, I can't
be like, oh, well, you're really making a poor choice
(04:40):
or something like I can I would never want to
make them feel bad for making a decision that they
need to make for themselves.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Yeah, because I think that there's more things at play
than just you don't want to let this. You want
this one girl's feelings to be hurt. So you also
want your daughter to have a good birthday and know
that she can make her own decisions and that what
she once is important too, and her feelings matter too, exactly,
so you don't want to send that message that only
this girl's feelings matter.
Speaker 4 (05:06):
Which, while we're going back and forth on this for
a second, like I initially because I knew the email
was about a kid, have you know just if you
were a kid, you'll relate to this, or if you're
a parent. But honestly, there might be some adults that
are having birthday parties that might be going through this
exact same thing of like I feel like maybe I
should invite this person, or my friend is saying, hey,
(05:28):
maybe we should include so and so for your birthday,
Like this could happen at all ages, one hundred percent, right,
So Kat, tell us what do we do?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
So one as you were saying that, I was like,
oh my gosh, you should be a therapist.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Ah, is that one would that therapy answer.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
It was just a really thoughtful answer, and I think
what I thought about. I thought about a couple of
things hearing this email. One of them was like, Okay,
how do you allow your daughter to make decisions but
also allow yourself to help guide her? Because that part
of your job as a parent to help teach her
values and lessons and then also let her choose which
(06:06):
ones are the most important to her. It's not I'm
going to mold you into be this person that you
need to be exactly. It's I want to highlight these
things that we think are important in our family and
then let the daughter become her own independent person. And
so that's what you did, is you said in the
scenario for yourself, I want to share with you some
thoughts about your list of people, and then I'm going
(06:29):
to give you something to think about. Whatever you decide
is okay. But I don't know if you've had this
perspective yet, so I just want to give it to you.
And it feels very kind and open and hearing you,
I didn't feel a lot of pressure.
Speaker 4 (06:43):
You're right, we were as parents want to guide, so
I've had to work at that Ben and I both have,
especially as we try to co parent together as best
as we can. I don't know, maybe that's just the
years of therapy I've had recently that helped get me there.
I don't know if I would have always been that way,
because I think I do know a side of me
(07:04):
that would be like, well, we just need to invite
this person.
Speaker 5 (07:07):
Yeah, because that's the right thing to do.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Well, and then there's right and there's wrong, and there's
whyse well, like intruding on your daughter's birthday, Like, is
it maybe right to include somebody? We don't want to
leave people out, sure, but is it wise to not
give your daughter, you know, autonomy over her birthday celebrations?
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
And I think you were saying, as a therapist, you'd
like separate yourself what you would do in your own life,
and like the therapeutic way to respond. I think my
initial reaction was like, oh my gosh, you have to
invite her because she's going to remember that being invited
or being left out, And then I have to do this.
(07:48):
I did this all the time as a therapist. I
have to say, Okay, what's coming up for me is
experiences that I have had and I needed some of
those experiences to now view and feel the way I
feel now. Like I was saying of a specific person
that I I don't know how she feels about this.
This is just me now at thirty five, thinking about
this one specific person in this one specific time in
(08:12):
my life, who I wish that I was more welcoming
to that did sit more towards the end of the
lunch table, that I wish that I would have invited
her more towards the middle. And I think about that
all the time because I have those feelings that now
guides me and how I want people to feel included,
because I have that experience of being like, oh wow,
(08:33):
like looking back at that, and so that's a kind
of an idea of like we learned from our mistakes,
you know. And so for this experience, her mom is saying, Hey,
I just want you to look at this in case
you haven't thought about this. But there's no right or
wrong answer, because if she invites her and the girl
feels included and loved and all that great, If she
(08:55):
doesn't invite her and then the daughter has some feelings
of Gil, which Gil can be very hell of Oh
you know what, I didn't do that, and looking back,
it's actually more important to me to include people and
let people feel welcome and loved than this individual thought
I was having. Granted, it is developmentally appropriate for a
(09:17):
person of this age to be thinking about themselves. Yes,
so I have to remind myself that all the time
when I think about things in like middle school or
high school that I did that, I was like, oh,
I wish I wouldn't have done that. It was developmentally
appropriate for me not to do that, because I also
wanted to feel included in part of the in crowd
and what have you. And so that kept me from
(09:38):
going and doing that.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
If what was your nickname from some people? If was
your nickname from some people.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
I was in college?
Speaker 4 (09:57):
That was in college, okay, little Jesus, But sometimes.
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Like you didn't get invited to things, right because.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
You were in high school. I didn't get invited to
because I didn't. I wasn't like a party girl. I
didn't drink. All my friends when they drank for the
first time, didn't, well, not all of them, but a
lot of them didn't tell me because they didn't want.
I mean, I wasn't going to do that at that time.
I don't think they wanted me to judge them, which
maybe I would have because I wasn't doing that. But
(10:24):
then J yeah, but I wasn't LJ yet. But then
there were parties that I got uninvited to.
Speaker 5 (10:29):
You're grooming yourself for it, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I was, but yeah, so like I think about that
of yeah, I had the experience of not including somebody,
but then when I wasn't included, it highlights that, like, man,
it would have been so easy to include that person,
And now I know that it's important. But also I
say all this, and that doesn't mean that that's the
(10:53):
most important for this girl at this time in her life.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
No, but I do like that you offered that look
back because this mom writing and might have similar thoughts
from her past. And that's something you can use to
relate to your daughter, like, hey, let me share with
you something from my life, or you can say my
friend Kat's life. You know my friend you know, my
friend Cat is telling me the other day, Catworker.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
But also I meant to say this. I say all
that because as a therapist, when I have those strong reactions,
I had to clock that that was about me and
my experience. That's not this present experience that this person.
I'm having some transference here, which is when I'm relating
to what my client is doing and putting myself in
the situation. And so as a parent there that happens too,
(11:38):
where like, I feel really strongly about this, but this
isn't my daughter's experience right now, So I can share
it and let her use it, but also let her
do what she needs to do, because she's going to
have to end up having her experiences for her to
really learn what is important to her as well.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Exactly, and in that your child can witness you looking
back to learn from the future, because we all need
to do that. I mean, that's why we learn history
so we don't repeat it, and why we look back,
they say, And except for sometimes it happens. You and
I were before we started recording. I was going over
some old iHeart festival outfits because Vegas, our big festival
(12:18):
of the year, is coming up soon, and I've got
to start looking for an outfit, and we were looking
back at some of my more unfortunate outfit options. We
got put together because I did a post about it.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
At Radio Amy on Instagram.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
If you want to see the outfits, and there's one
where Kat like just could not stop laughing. She's like,
this outfit is so bad, and I was like, I
know that outfit haunts me.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
It also is such an outlier.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
I know.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
I bought it last minute because of a rash that
I had on my chest that immediately made the dress
I packed and I flew to Vegas with unwearable because
I would have been under the lights and with a
microphone and up next to artists and all you would
have seen was the crazy rash on my.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
Chest and what's going on? Yeah, they were like, what
is your disease?
Speaker 4 (13:00):
So I had to buy this, you know, high neck.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
But it wasn't the shirt.
Speaker 5 (13:04):
The shirt's Q.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
It was the.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Boxer And then eventually I fixed it. But it wasn't
until I was on the elevator on the way up
that I was like, oh, if I just were to
roll this, it would look better. All that to say,
I think we can do this with you know, our
experiences and relationships, outfits we've worn whatever y hair, so
yes looking back, so that we can share with our
(13:27):
kids like, hey, this is what I did here and
that's what I'm gonna do now, or we can share
with ourselves. This is what she woard to this event,
and you were super uncomfortable and you did not perform
well because in that post I put that Deon Sanders quote,
which is, if you look good, you feel good. If
you feel good, you play good. If you play good,
they pay good. Let me tell you that night, I know,
like the whole night, I wasn't on my a game,
(13:50):
like when I was on MIC or doing things. I
was so self conscious about my outfit. And now you're
confirming that I had every reason.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
To be self Remember that outfit if it makes.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
You, because I don't think I really posted about it like, oh,
probably because I just didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Like it, I will say on an ad part of
what was in there too were those uncomfortable shoes, And
that's a lesson to learn too, Like these did look
really good and I was in so much pain I
didn't enjoy myself.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Oh yeah, I will never wear them again. And they
were expensive shoes, so that's another lesson of just because
something cosmor doesn't mean they're gonna feel good. I was
so annoyed that I bought them. Yeah, and then yes,
because what am I gonna do?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I mean good sung Poshmark.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
Maybe I might try to do that, but then I'm like,
I won't even get like a quarter of the money
back or something.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
I don't want to make anybody else feel this pain.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Then there's these other boots that were oh yeah, it's
tragic in one of the outfits where they kept falling down.
And when I bought them online the model they were
over the knee and they looked over the knee, So
of course I bought them, ordered them, and then put
packed in my bag. Why would I try on my
outfit before, you know, like I'm so last minute. And
then I get to Vegas and I pull them up
(14:58):
and I'm like, oh, looks good. I start walking and
they just start the boots start just falling down and
falling down.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
There's nothing I could do.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
But when I got back from Vegas, I tried to
call the company to return for false advertising because they
did not stay over the knee. And they basically told
me like, yeah, kick rocks.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
What did they say, like's.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Like no your error, yeah, no, you bottom your war.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I'm like, sorry, they didn't stay over your knee, And
I'm like these would stay over was.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
There like a sticky like how are they?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
I tried to get like double sudden boob tape and
like make it worse.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
And didn't because you're moving. It would probably like, yeah,
come off. But they looked like the slouchy kind of
western type boots of like twenty sixteen era, you know
what I'm talking about.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
Yeah, but it was like two years ago, like about
twenty twenty three.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Yes, I thought the first picture I saw them slaps down.
I was like, that's an interesting choice of boot for
what year is this? And you were like twenty twenty two.
But it's because they were over the me.
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
Oh, anyway, we look backward so that we can do
better in the forward.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
And now you're going to try your outfits on and
maybe do a couple of stif walk around a little
bit in them.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (16:02):
Are you learning that we have less than thirty days?
I still don't have my outfits picked out, but it's fine.
I have at least I think I know from putting
that post together. I'm like, you know what I feel
best in denim? Cute denim, cute dinim for a blacktop,
simple like my simpler outfits, or like a set, like
a denim set, just easy you love.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
A set, your set to your live show. You loved
the set you were in. Was that may the Dnim
set and then that white the Dnim set that you
had on that post.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Do you know what I keep hearing?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Denham Denhim Denham Denham.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
So I like denim, gonna like sets, So maybe I
just need to find some denim set that's like different
colors of denim. Anyway, you get what we're saying. You
get to look back so that you can make better
decisions in the future. And this is something that's going
to be your daughter's decision. Maybe when she's an adult,
she'll look back and feel a certain way about her decision,
(16:55):
but that's for her to do. Yeah, boom, boom boom,
thank you for writing. I love working with you at
least two days out of the week every Tuesday and Thursday.
You can work with us more if you follow us
on Instagram and TikTok. We are Feeling Things podcast, and
I mean let us sit with you in person, throw
us up on YouTube.
Speaker 5 (17:16):
You can see our faces. Put us on in the shop.
I'm sure your husband will love that.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Hey, your customers.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Yeah, Feeling Things a podcast on YouTube as well.
Speaker 5 (17:25):
We appreciate you emailing.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
If y'all have questions for couch Talks, you just have
to put it in the subject line of the email.
You can hit us up.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Hey.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
They're at Feeling Things podcast dot com and we've got
some good voicemails lately. We don't play them all. Maybe
we'll play some coming up one day soon, but we do.
We listen to them around the kitchen table the other
day and we're like, oh, these are so.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Fun to get.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
So y'all can also call us eight seven seven two
oh seven two oh seven seven.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Hope you have the day you need to have.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Bye,
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down. If you ever have feelings
that you just fons Amy and Cat gotcha covincking No, brother,
Ladies and folks, do you just follow an the spirit
where it's all the front over real stuff, tell the
chill stuff and the m but Swayne, sometimes the best
thing you can do it just stop you feel things.
(00:27):
This is Feeling Things with.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Amy and Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm
Cat and our email today is anonymous.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
And before read the email a disclaimer.
Speaker 5 (00:43):
Forgot about the disclaimer.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
Even though we're answering your questions, this does not serve
as a replacement or substitute for actual therapy, and we
hope it helps you.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
And I think that you might relate to this, especially
if you're a parent or you were ever a kid.
If you're adult now, well yeah, kids and friends and
parties and people feeling left out.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
And if you went to middle school or high school,
you might relate to this. You might.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Hi, Amy and Kat, I'm a longtime listener of you
both and the Bobby Bone Show. I love your new podcast,
Feeling Things. I Know you're not aware of this, but
both of you are my office coworkers. You keep me
entertained two days a week. My husband and I work
together at our small shop, just the two of us,
which is great. However, he is all that I have
to talk to during the day, unless you also count
(01:35):
the stray dog that I let in the office to
escape the heat. So thank you for saving my sanity
some days. It is much appreciated. I am needing some advice.
My daughter's birthday is quickly approaching, and for her party,
she wants her dad and I to take her and
some friends to dinner. There's one girl I would like
for her to invite because I know that she doesn't
(01:56):
have many friends. They're not really in the same friend group,
and they no longer go to school together, but they
do share other activities together. The girl is not mean,
and I don't think that my daughter's problem is with
her per se. I think it is more maybe with
other people in her family. There's other details in here,
(02:16):
but I'm choosing to omit them, especially because she wanted
to remain anonymous and I don't want to give anything away.
But the gist of it is this mom wants her
daughter to invite this other girl to her birthday dinner,
and she's asking us what we should do. So I'll
read the final part of the email. I understand it's
(02:40):
a great thing to have boundaries and to decide who
you want to be friends with and who you want
to let in your life. But I do want her
to understand compassion and empathy. So my question is should
I have her invite this girl to the party so
feelings aren't hurt, or should I let her make her
own decision? Thank you two is a therapist, which I
(03:02):
do think that as therapists probably sometimes you have to
juggle your therapy type answer and then you're human type answer.
I feel for this mom, knowing if one of my
kids was in this situation.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
As the being invited, or it's her party well being
the mom that maybe wanted their kid to include another kid.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
So I'll tell you what I would do, and you
can tell me if it's appropriate. I wouldn't make my
kids invite the person, but I would suggest I would say, hey,
I know that you've made your list, I don't see
so and so on. Here. Something I would love for
you to consider is I don't know that she has
many people to hang out with. It seems like you
(03:47):
have a lot of really great friends that are coming.
If it wouldn't be too uncomfortable, Like do you think
it'd be okay if she joined the group and your
dad and I are going to be there. We can
even kind of sitter towards us, like I don't to
make you uncomfortable, but like we could just include her,
and maybe that would be a way to just include people.
(04:07):
But it is your birthday, So I'm letting you know
my thoughts on this. If you want to take the
next twenty four hours or so to think about it,
and then we can make the reservations and you let
me know or something like that.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
I feel like that's how I would phrase.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
It to one of my kids, and then whatever they
decided after that twenty four hours, I would respect. So
if they came back and obviously agreed with me invited her,
I'd be like yay. But if they came back and said, hey,
I really just want my closest friends there, that would
be most special for me and my birthday, I can't
be like, oh, well, you're really making a poor choice
(04:40):
or something like I can I would never want to
make them feel bad for making a decision that they
need to make for themselves.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Yeah, because I think that there's more things at play
than just you don't want to let this. You want
this one girl's feelings to be hurt. So you also
want your daughter to have a good birthday and know
that she can make her own decisions and that what
she once is important too, and her feelings matter too, exactly,
so you don't want to send that message that only
this girl's feelings matter.
Speaker 4 (05:06):
Which, while we're going back and forth on this for
a second, like I initially because I knew the email
was about a kid, have you know just if you
were a kid, you'll relate to this, or if you're
a parent. But honestly, there might be some adults that
are having birthday parties that might be going through this
exact same thing of like I feel like maybe I
should invite this person, or my friend is saying, hey,
(05:28):
maybe we should include so and so for your birthday,
Like this could happen at all ages, one hundred percent, right,
So Kat, tell us what do we do?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
So one as you were saying that, I was like,
oh my gosh, you should be a therapist.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Ah, is that one would that therapy answer.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
It was just a really thoughtful answer, and I think
what I thought about. I thought about a couple of
things hearing this email. One of them was like, Okay,
how do you allow your daughter to make decisions but
also allow yourself to help guide her? Because that part
of your job as a parent to help teach her
values and lessons and then also let her choose which
(06:06):
ones are the most important to her. It's not I'm
going to mold you into be this person that you
need to be exactly. It's I want to highlight these
things that we think are important in our family and
then let the daughter become her own independent person. And
so that's what you did, is you said in the
scenario for yourself, I want to share with you some
thoughts about your list of people, and then I'm going
(06:29):
to give you something to think about. Whatever you decide
is okay. But I don't know if you've had this
perspective yet, so I just want to give it to you.
And it feels very kind and open and hearing you,
I didn't feel a lot of pressure.
Speaker 4 (06:43):
You're right, we were as parents want to guide, so
I've had to work at that Ben and I both have,
especially as we try to co parent together as best
as we can. I don't know, maybe that's just the
years of therapy I've had recently that helped get me there.
I don't know if I would have always been that way,
because I think I do know a side of me
(07:04):
that would be like, well, we just need to invite
this person.
Speaker 5 (07:07):
Yeah, because that's the right thing to do.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Well, and then there's right and there's wrong, and there's
whyse well, like intruding on your daughter's birthday, Like, is
it maybe right to include somebody? We don't want to
leave people out, sure, but is it wise to not
give your daughter, you know, autonomy over her birthday celebrations?
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
And I think you were saying, as a therapist, you'd
like separate yourself what you would do in your own life,
and like the therapeutic way to respond. I think my
initial reaction was like, oh my gosh, you have to
invite her because she's going to remember that being invited
or being left out, And then I have to do this.
(07:48):
I did this all the time as a therapist. I
have to say, Okay, what's coming up for me is
experiences that I have had and I needed some of
those experiences to now view and feel the way I
feel now. Like I was saying of a specific person
that I I don't know how she feels about this.
This is just me now at thirty five, thinking about
this one specific person in this one specific time in
(08:12):
my life, who I wish that I was more welcoming
to that did sit more towards the end of the
lunch table, that I wish that I would have invited
her more towards the middle. And I think about that
all the time because I have those feelings that now
guides me and how I want people to feel included,
because I have that experience of being like, oh wow,
(08:33):
like looking back at that, and so that's a kind
of an idea of like we learned from our mistakes,
you know. And so for this experience, her mom is saying, Hey,
I just want you to look at this in case
you haven't thought about this. But there's no right or
wrong answer, because if she invites her and the girl
feels included and loved and all that great, If she
(08:55):
doesn't invite her and then the daughter has some feelings
of Gil, which Gil can be very hell of Oh
you know what, I didn't do that, and looking back,
it's actually more important to me to include people and
let people feel welcome and loved than this individual thought
I was having. Granted, it is developmentally appropriate for a
(09:17):
person of this age to be thinking about themselves. Yes,
so I have to remind myself that all the time
when I think about things in like middle school or
high school that I did that, I was like, oh,
I wish I wouldn't have done that. It was developmentally
appropriate for me not to do that, because I also
wanted to feel included in part of the in crowd
and what have you. And so that kept me from
(09:38):
going and doing that.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
If what was your nickname from some people? If was
your nickname from some people.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
I was in college?
Speaker 4 (09:57):
That was in college, okay, little Jesus, But sometimes.
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Like you didn't get invited to things, right because.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
You were in high school. I didn't get invited to
because I didn't. I wasn't like a party girl. I
didn't drink. All my friends when they drank for the
first time, didn't, well, not all of them, but a
lot of them didn't tell me because they didn't want.
I mean, I wasn't going to do that at that time.
I don't think they wanted me to judge them, which
maybe I would have because I wasn't doing that. But
(10:24):
then J yeah, but I wasn't LJ yet. But then
there were parties that I got uninvited to.
Speaker 5 (10:29):
You're grooming yourself for it, yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I was, but yeah, so like I think about that
of yeah, I had the experience of not including somebody,
but then when I wasn't included, it highlights that, like, man,
it would have been so easy to include that person,
And now I know that it's important. But also I
say all this, and that doesn't mean that that's the
(10:53):
most important for this girl at this time in her life.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
No, but I do like that you offered that look
back because this mom writing and might have similar thoughts
from her past. And that's something you can use to
relate to your daughter, like, hey, let me share with
you something from my life, or you can say my
friend Kat's life. You know my friend you know, my
friend Cat is telling me the other day, Catworker.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
But also I meant to say this. I say all
that because as a therapist, when I have those strong reactions,
I had to clock that that was about me and
my experience. That's not this present experience that this person.
I'm having some transference here, which is when I'm relating
to what my client is doing and putting myself in
the situation. And so as a parent there that happens too,
(11:38):
where like, I feel really strongly about this, but this
isn't my daughter's experience right now, So I can share
it and let her use it, but also let her
do what she needs to do, because she's going to
have to end up having her experiences for her to
really learn what is important to her as well.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Exactly, and in that your child can witness you looking
back to learn from the future, because we all need
to do that. I mean, that's why we learn history
so we don't repeat it, and why we look back,
they say, And except for sometimes it happens. You and
I were before we started recording. I was going over
some old iHeart festival outfits because Vegas, our big festival
(12:18):
of the year, is coming up soon, and I've got
to start looking for an outfit, and we were looking
back at some of my more unfortunate outfit options. We
got put together because I did a post about it.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
At Radio Amy on Instagram.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
If you want to see the outfits, and there's one
where Kat like just could not stop laughing. She's like,
this outfit is so bad, and I was like, I
know that outfit haunts me.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
It also is such an outlier.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
I know.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
I bought it last minute because of a rash that
I had on my chest that immediately made the dress
I packed and I flew to Vegas with unwearable because
I would have been under the lights and with a
microphone and up next to artists and all you would
have seen was the crazy rash on my.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
Chest and what's going on? Yeah, they were like, what
is your disease?
Speaker 4 (13:00):
So I had to buy this, you know, high neck.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
But it wasn't the shirt.
Speaker 5 (13:04):
The shirt's Q.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
It was the.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Boxer And then eventually I fixed it. But it wasn't
until I was on the elevator on the way up
that I was like, oh, if I just were to
roll this, it would look better. All that to say,
I think we can do this with you know, our
experiences and relationships, outfits we've worn whatever y hair, so
yes looking back, so that we can share with our
(13:27):
kids like, hey, this is what I did here and
that's what I'm gonna do now, or we can share
with ourselves. This is what she woard to this event,
and you were super uncomfortable and you did not perform
well because in that post I put that Deon Sanders quote,
which is, if you look good, you feel good. If
you feel good, you play good. If you play good,
they pay good. Let me tell you that night, I know,
like the whole night, I wasn't on my a game,
(13:50):
like when I was on MIC or doing things. I
was so self conscious about my outfit. And now you're
confirming that I had every reason.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
To be self Remember that outfit if it makes.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
You, because I don't think I really posted about it like, oh,
probably because I just didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Like it, I will say on an ad part of
what was in there too were those uncomfortable shoes, And
that's a lesson to learn too, Like these did look
really good and I was in so much pain I
didn't enjoy myself.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Oh yeah, I will never wear them again. And they
were expensive shoes, so that's another lesson of just because
something cosmor doesn't mean they're gonna feel good. I was
so annoyed that I bought them. Yeah, and then yes,
because what am I gonna do?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I mean good sung Poshmark.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
Maybe I might try to do that, but then I'm like,
I won't even get like a quarter of the money
back or something.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
I don't want to make anybody else feel this pain.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Then there's these other boots that were oh yeah, it's
tragic in one of the outfits where they kept falling down.
And when I bought them online the model they were
over the knee and they looked over the knee, So
of course I bought them, ordered them, and then put
packed in my bag. Why would I try on my
outfit before, you know, like I'm so last minute. And
then I get to Vegas and I pull them up
(14:58):
and I'm like, oh, looks good. I start walking and
they just start the boots start just falling down and
falling down.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
There's nothing I could do.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
But when I got back from Vegas, I tried to
call the company to return for false advertising because they
did not stay over the knee. And they basically told
me like, yeah, kick rocks.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
What did they say, like's.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Like no your error, yeah, no, you bottom your war.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I'm like, sorry, they didn't stay over your knee, And
I'm like these would stay over was.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
There like a sticky like how are they?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
I tried to get like double sudden boob tape and
like make it worse.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
And didn't because you're moving. It would probably like, yeah,
come off. But they looked like the slouchy kind of
western type boots of like twenty sixteen era, you know
what I'm talking about.
Speaker 5 (15:40):
Yeah, but it was like two years ago, like about
twenty twenty three.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
Yes, I thought the first picture I saw them slaps down.
I was like, that's an interesting choice of boot for
what year is this? And you were like twenty twenty two.
But it's because they were over the me.
Speaker 5 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
Oh, anyway, we look backward so that we can do
better in the forward.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
And now you're going to try your outfits on and
maybe do a couple of stif walk around a little
bit in them.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (16:02):
Are you learning that we have less than thirty days?
I still don't have my outfits picked out, but it's fine.
I have at least I think I know from putting
that post together. I'm like, you know what I feel
best in denim? Cute denim, cute dinim for a blacktop,
simple like my simpler outfits, or like a set, like
a denim set, just easy you love.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
A set, your set to your live show. You loved
the set you were in. Was that may the Dnim
set and then that white the Dnim set that you
had on that post.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Do you know what I keep hearing?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Denham Denhim Denham Denham.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
So I like denim, gonna like sets, So maybe I
just need to find some denim set that's like different
colors of denim. Anyway, you get what we're saying. You
get to look back so that you can make better
decisions in the future. And this is something that's going
to be your daughter's decision. Maybe when she's an adult,
she'll look back and feel a certain way about her decision,
(16:55):
but that's for her to do. Yeah, boom, boom boom,
thank you for writing. I love working with you at
least two days out of the week every Tuesday and Thursday.
You can work with us more if you follow us
on Instagram and TikTok. We are Feeling Things podcast, and
I mean let us sit with you in person, throw
us up on YouTube.
Speaker 5 (17:16):
You can see our faces. Put us on in the shop.
I'm sure your husband will love that.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Hey, your customers.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Yeah, Feeling Things a podcast on YouTube as well.
Speaker 5 (17:25):
We appreciate you emailing.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
If y'all have questions for couch Talks, you just have
to put it in the subject line of the email.
You can hit us up.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Hey.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
They're at Feeling Things podcast dot com and we've got
some good voicemails lately. We don't play them all. Maybe
we'll play some coming up one day soon, but we do.
We listen to them around the kitchen table the other
day and we're like, oh, these are so.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Fun to get.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
So y'all can also call us eight seven seven two
oh seven two oh seven seven.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Hope you have the day you need to have.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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