September 10, 2025 • 21 mins
Amy and Kat respond to a listener who’s struggling with communication differences in her relationship. She wants to talk through feelings, while her boyfriend prefers the opposite (especially when he worries it will lead to a fight). Amy and Kat share that this is a common issue in relationships and go over practical things that can help couples bridge the gap…so there's hope!! However, if he doesn't budge, they discuss what she may have to do.
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good break it down.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons Amy
and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow Anna spirit where it's all the
front over real stuff to the chill stuff and the
m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things. This is Feeling.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a
part of our Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get started that although.
Speaker 5 (00:38):
We're answering questions and Kat is a therapist and I'm
a therapist, this does not serve as a replacement for therapy,
and we hope it helps you.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
We're just friends talking trying to walk you through stuff
that we maybe have experience with, or we'll at least
try to understand where you are and offer our opinions
or thoughts, which today instead of a email, we have
a voicemail.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
That's a question.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
You can do either you can call us eight seven
seven two O seven two o seven seven, or you
can email us. Hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Either way.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
So late they've been having trouble with regulating my emotions
when I'm feeling like emotional or like something bottom me
or something with my boyfriend. Though we've been dating almost
a year now pretty much, and we moved in, I'd
get the intador's sunburn and we'd get along really well.
But I like to talk about my feeling that I
(01:35):
could talk about everything, and he really just wasn't like fuck,
he would really just like to be quiet. I had
asked him if he would go to like therapy, and
he had study gone to therapy with like his daughter's
mom and then the other girl he was dating after her,
and he just doesn't talk and doesn't like understand like
that I want to talk about things. And I don't
(01:57):
know if maybe a kat or any for revenyar a vice,
like what can I do to get in to talk
a little bit or like to open up his feelings
the tiniest bit. I mean, he feels like it's starts
start to fight, like conversation that feels like it's a fight,
but really it's not. Like I just want to talk
about this and I can talk calmly and I don't
(02:19):
have to argue about it. It's not an argument's just
how I'm feeling, and this is like different solutions and
to listen and understand and say he agrees and all
the things that he just doesn't really elaborate here and
give his side go. I don't know if there's something
intuitive message or book or something I should recommend to help,
but I love the podcast again. I can't wait to
(02:40):
hear the next new episode. Think You Bite.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
So I think this is a question a lot of
people can relate to, even if it's not about their partner.
We've all probably wanted something or wanted more from somebody
or something different.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
So I want to.
Speaker 5 (02:56):
Speak to that piece. But I also want, if you're
open to it, for you to share the way that
you asked for something that you needed in a past situation.
Speaker 4 (03:05):
Because I thought it was clevering. I thought it was good.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Yeah, short term dating relationship that I thought was maybe
going to be a little more long term.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
So I wasting I could call it that. Well, yeah,
I think that's what we would call it.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
But I get that her situation is definitely different than
this one was. But I was leaning into it as
it could be long term, so I was wanting to
present my needs. I don't think it was premature. I
think we were to that place, but he just clearly wasn't.
And the thing about him, because I know she mentioned
attachments to avoidant whatever in the voicemail, but with him,
(03:38):
early on, I thought he was so secure, so secure,
and I think she's maybe referring to that, Like in
the voicemail she used the word normal, and we're all normal.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
We all have our different attachment styles.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
But I don't know that it makes you more normal,
but the word would be secure, right.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
Yeah, And I even thought he was secure.
Speaker 5 (03:55):
Oh, we both I think we both were like, he's
just a normal guy.
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Well, then what I learned later.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
Is that he started showing me signs of not being
very communicative, distant, just avoidant in a way.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
And I was like, oh, just like back it was
like ping pong, kind of like really interested in and
then like this and.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
It was exhausting. And so what I learned about whatever
was going on with him. I mean, again, we don't
know all of his history, so we're not diagnosing him
in any way, shape or form, but he was definitely
not secure. He tricked us, and that happens a lot
of times because you don't know what's happening with someone
until you have certain situations and then you see how
(04:40):
they react and respond. So I had decided I needed
to be very clear with him and say, in order
for me to stay interested in this relationship, I'm going
to need you to schedule our dates like a week
in advance, so that I know that you're interested instead
of just randomly going in Miia for a little bit
and then call telling me.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
On the very day you want to do something.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It felt just very distant and I didn't feel like
a priority or important and I'm not needy. I didn't
need to be with him all the time.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
It's okay to have needs, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
I think I was okay with presenting my needs, but
I'm clarifying for anyone that might be like, oh, well,
maybe you were just being too much or and he
needed a break, not at all. There was lots of
space given, so I did have to vocalize, and Kat
and I were having a conversation before we recorded, after
we listened to the voicemail together before we started recording,
and I was like, shoot, how did I come up
(05:37):
with my statement? Because I was practicing how I was
going to say it, and Kat's like, I feel like
it was a friend that gave it to you, and
I was like, I think it was my therapist.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
But either way, I don't know. It is good to
give yourself a little script of sorts.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
We do this in parenting. We can do this in
a lot of relationships at work and friendships. It's good
to have a little script, especially if you're nervous about
saying something.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And when you're for me.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
What I found is like, it's because something's important to me,
or I like this person, or I care about this
relationship with this person, so I want to be careful.
It's not fake, and how you're presenting it, it's just
a little rehearsed. And so I went over and over,
you know, in order for me to stay interested, because
if not, I was going to have to move on
and I was going to lose interest. And I didn't
(06:21):
want to lose interests because I liked him and I
thought he liked me, and I think he did, but
he just was also very interested in other people, come
to find out, which was the problem. Which was the problem,
that's why he was unavailable. Yeah, and so I think
in your situation, your partner is unavailable for different reasons.
(06:42):
He's seeming distant, but you know where he is. Maybe
he's playing his game, or he's just not wanting to
talk about things. You've suggested therapy and he's not wanting
to go. So Kat and I will talk through some things. Kat,
you can get back to it. But that's that was
my statement to that short term relationship. I had my
little script and guess what, it worked itself out, and
(07:03):
we were not meant to be together, and that.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Is totally compatible.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
We weren't compatible, right, And I think what I want
to say too about something you touched on right after
the voicemail plate is just it's very common for people
to have different communication styles and relationships, like I would
think more common than not. It's I don't know, I
feel like you're I know you've been married for a
year and a half. Now do you feel like you
and your husband have the same type of communication style.
Speaker 5 (07:31):
Honestly, Patrick might communicate a little bit better than me.
He's a little bit more calm, But what is helpful
about the way we operate is we kind of complement
each other.
Speaker 4 (07:41):
And he is slower.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
I can be quick to feel he's a little slower
to feel he's a little bit more passive in that
he can let things go. But what also is helpful
in that is, and I've had to work on this
from my side, so I don't like steamroll on, is
that because he is a little bit more passive, sometimes
he's able to see my point of view easier because
(08:05):
he's just a little bit more regulated. But what I
think is really important to note is one you said
about the attachment styles and and you thinking that this
person was secure and then later down the road finding
out maybe that's not the case.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
Or who knows. People get really down on themselves when.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
They're like, how did I not know this about him
or or her or them?
Speaker 4 (08:29):
And I thought they were this way? With this is
that they're this way.
Speaker 5 (08:33):
People are going to show up seeming normal or at
their best until they don't until your needs bump up
with their needs, and so nobody's showing up. I mean,
think about it from is lands a little bit more anxious.
I wasn't like shown up to a first date super anxious,
being like okay, so like do you like me? And
(08:54):
that stuff doesn't come out until later when you're having
like real relationship things come up, So we aren't going
to know until we know. I mean, sometimes things are
a little bit more obvious. So this isn't a blanket statement.
But for anybody who is like, well, how do I know?
How do I not get into this trap? It's not
about not finding those people again, or not finding somebody
who's avoidant or anxious. It's about when I find when
(09:17):
I do find out that they are this way and
my needs are not being met, what's my return rate
of me saying this is not going well for me,
this isn't working for me. Because what gets us in
trouble is that we force force, force, force force, We try, try, try, try, try,
and we try to change ourselves and we try to
change them and it doesn't work, versus realizing we might
(09:39):
not be compatible. And that's what it comes down to
with attachment styles and dating is it's not that one
person is bad. It's not that one person person's too
needy and one person doesn't have enough needs or it
isn't able to give enough. It's that you guys are
not compatible, which is hard because when we meet somebody
that we like, when we want to make it work,
(09:59):
we're we'll just change them, or we'll do this and
a lot of times we have to realize either we're
not compatible, so I'm going to go find somebody who's
attachment style and communication style and emotional style matches with
mine and compliments mine, or I'm going to have to
accept that some of the needs that I do want
(10:20):
aren't going to be met and if staying in this
relationship is worth it, okay, I have to accept that
this part might not get met or these things might
not happen.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Am I okay with that?
Speaker 5 (10:33):
And then you get to make if you say yes, okay, well,
they just know that this is probably going to be here.
You can't date somebody and you can't be with somebody's potential.
You have to be with who they are.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
So is this where radical acceptance would come in? So
you'd have to radically accept that certain needs may not
be met and also there could be hope for a
bridge to be built, like.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Well, right, we can commun municate with each other.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
I mean I don't want people to say that, like,
you can't ever work on conflict if there's conflict or
there's something that you were needing in a situation and
somebody was just totally unaware. But if I'm dating somebody
who is let's just say, I'm dating somebody who is
avoidant or leans very avoidant in their attachment style. If
they are not interested in working on that, there's not
(11:22):
really much I can do except say, Okay, some of
my needs not be met might not be met. And
I'm saying this like it's so easy. I know it's
not that easy to leave a relationship, but there has
to become a time where it's like, oh, I know
that I am worth having X, y Z in a relationship,
and so I'm going to let this relationship go knowing
(11:43):
that it's not because there's something wrong with me that
I'm not getting my needs met.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
It's because maybe what this person has to offer doesn't match.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
And I really highlight that. It's like there's not a
problem with one of you, you're just different. And I
really highlight that.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
It's like there's not a problem with one of you,
you're just different.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
So all that to say, before you do that, you
can do something like speak your needs and ask your
needs like you did, and what you found out is like, Okay,
he's not going to do that.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
And so I remember having that conversation. I didn't find
out in that conversation, he wasn't going to do that.
He heard me, I felt heard, and I think he
was sort of like, okay, So then he was more
deliberate about making plans with me, but he was also
just making plans.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
With other people.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
And I didn't know that, which was also okay because
we hadn't had that were exclusive conversation. But I don't know,
just other actions were showing me that we were leaning
more exclusive. So again, communication is key. And we have
a series coming up. We've already teased it a little
bit before, but it'll be soon and it's The Horsemen,
(13:01):
and that's from Gotman, right, Okay, so I guess that's
why Gotman's on the brain. And then also I came
across something and when I heard the voicemail, was like, oh, well,
the Gotman Institute. They have an app for couples.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
And I know that.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
You know, your guy had tried therapy with other people,
and I wasn't sure if he was interested in doing
it with you. But like you said, Kat, if they're
willing to do the work, then there's hope. If not,
then you're gonna have to have radical acceptance and then
just understand that you're not gonna be able to change
this part. So you either need to stay in with
that acceptance or get out. And so if you go
(13:39):
to Gotman dot com. I looked them up and then
just slash couples, there's a lot of different things for
couples to do. And I don't know, I don't have
this app, but this is an endorsement. It's not like
I'm like, oh, I use this in my relationship and
it really help. But there's card decks in the app,
So there are like thousands of flash cards that says here,
(14:00):
and these are decks with different resources questions, probably conversation starters.
I don't know, I'm just guessing, but obviously helpful tools
for your relationship where y'all could do it in the
comfort of your own home and maybe make a little
fun night of it and it doesn't have to be
an overwhelming night, like what if y'all.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Do dinner at home in a movie?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
But your advertiser is three questions?
Speaker 5 (14:22):
Yeah, well, I think I've shared on here and maybe
I've just shared with you that those concrete conversation cards too.
Speaker 6 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Amazon has tons of like couple million cards. I guess
I just the Gotman Institute is like a reputable his.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Are probably the cream of the crop.
Speaker 5 (14:36):
I'm sure we I just don't have experience with them,
but I have the concrete conversations for couples. I have
them myself and sometimes I'll take a couple of them
on a date.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
With me and Patrick.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
I've done that and I'll take you can I can
pick them out, so I don't pick level three if
I want to have like a fun airy night. And
we've done them with friends before on vacations, I brought them,
or I've had clients them and do them on road trips,
and so it's say, and I will say, doing those
kind of conversations when you're driving or on a walk
is very helpful because for somebody who gets overwhelmed with
(15:11):
high emotional situations, not having to make eye contact can
kind of help them lean into the exercise a little
bit more.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
Ooh, pro tip. I was why, I said, I've done that,
and I think I have.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Like some of your cards, your couples cards. You gave
me a handful. Really, yeah, to actually do with that guy,
I was really like, you have my cards? Yes?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Like did I send this forcemail? Because like things you're
suggesting no, you don't remember.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
No, you gave me the couples one.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
I have just regular concrete conversations, and you gave me
the specific you gave me a stack of the couples ones,
because I know specifically that I did the couples ones
level like one and two, yeah, not level three with him,
and he couldn't have been yeah, more about it. Oh remember,
because there's the three quite like, discribe your partner in
(16:02):
like three words. And he told me one of mine
was smelly, but like smelling good in a good way,
Like he said, I just always smelled like good lotion
or whatever, but I'm like elly, smell like that smelly.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
That was one of the I told you.
Speaker 5 (16:16):
I have one friend that I took these on vacation
with us, and I brought them to dinner every night
with us. It was two couples, me and Patrick and
then our friends. And we used that card. And my
friend's husband described her as one of the words, you
have three words, describe your partner in three words. One
of the words he just said her name. Yeah, he's like,
you're so, and then their cat like that doesn't count.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
Yeah, obviously she's cat to you because she's cat or
whatever her name was, and now we're gonna throw her
under the bus.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
But speaking of bus, that was also he also, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
If she were to have I think one of the
questions was like, if you your partner could have any
career outside of what they actually do, like what do
you see them.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Doing any any car? Any And I think he's the
same guy that said bus driver.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
So if she was like, honey, what's going on and
they're not married, right, nothing wrong with the bus driver,
she was like, why would you choose that for me?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I don't want to do that.
Speaker 5 (17:13):
I don't even like to drive, right, But he was like,
you're so good with people and caring.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
The reasoning was sweets thoughtful.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Yeah, because like everybody that rode a school bus, you
either remember your bus driver is like really cool and
sweet and kind or scary.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Right, it looks like you're under the couples thing.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
At gotmin dot com too, they have a free relationship
quiz for couples. Oh don't know what that entails, but
they try it. We're back resources online, So.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah, if you don't want to pay and buy these
conversation cards, this might be a I don't know if
this is a free app.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
Well, I know that this couple's quiz is freee.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
But that's a easy way if if you want to
get more deep conversations with your partner, that's easy way
to start with the level one cards and then ease
a man to it, because it can for somebody who's
not used to that kind of stuff. If you grew
up in a home or I mean men specifically, aren't
you girls, it's so different. The way we bond is
(18:11):
about our feelings and our lies and deep stuff going
on and maybe our traumas. Men bond over sports, and
I mean women bond over pop culture too and stuff
like that, but men don't have as many opportunities to
be asked those questions and to ask those questions, and
so it feels bigger and heavier in general, even if
(18:32):
you are not an avoidant person, if you don't lean
that way, that is just going to be more foreign
for men than for women.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yeah, and I'm thinking too, and however you present this
to him. I do this even with my kids, but
like presenting it as like we're a team and so
that someone doesn't feel on the defense, right, like if
like this is your flaw and we need to do
this because you can't communicate.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But do you know what I mean, make it about
you too, like I need.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
I want to know where I can show up for
you and meet certain needs you have. And instead of
just like obviously you were sharing with us in the voicemail,
like your side and what is going on. Obviously, if
you had more time, you would have shared way more
and maybe even shared okay, maybe some things you could
work on. I guess I'm just sharing as a little
(19:24):
tidbit side note when you bring it up, because then
that can help someone just put down their wall or
put down any defense they may have up and be
more open to whatever suggestion or conversation that y'all can
do together as a team in your relationship, because otherwise
look's like you're going to be peace out scout and
(19:47):
girls peace out girls scout, And I mean, we don't
want that for you unless that's what's meant for you.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
We don't know what sounds like.
Speaker 5 (19:53):
You want to try something, you want to work on
it for you have to get to that acceptance part.
And so that's this is a This can also be
a fun way to do that too, and it takes
a pressure off of both of you a little bit.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I'm really glad you gave the tip about doing it
while driving or walking. Like the question cards like I'm like,
sit down, sit, crisscross, apple sauce, look at each other
in the eyes, exer size first, eat your food, look
at each other. You don't get to watch the movie
till you're done. Yeah, do three questions. That's definitely how
I would do it.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Again, Cat's the expert.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
So and give the person a pass. How about that.
I think that's helpful too, because if you're picking the
questions randomly, then some of them are pretty deep. If
give him like one pass that he doesn't have to
answer that one if he doesn't want to, kind of
how like in fish Bowl, if you can't do the charade,
(20:47):
you can pass one pass it. I like having it
that feels less threatening, like you have to answer these questions.
It's like, well, no, I if this one isn't the
one for me, I can pick anyone.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Okay, we hope this helps, and we hope you have
the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Bye bye h
Good break it down.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons Amy
and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow Anna spirit where it's all the
front over real stuff to the chill stuff and the
m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things. This is Feeling.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Things with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a
part of our Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get started that although.
Speaker 5 (00:38):
We're answering questions and Kat is a therapist and I'm
a therapist, this does not serve as a replacement for therapy,
and we hope it helps you.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
We're just friends talking trying to walk you through stuff
that we maybe have experience with, or we'll at least
try to understand where you are and offer our opinions
or thoughts, which today instead of a email, we have
a voicemail.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
That's a question.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
You can do either you can call us eight seven
seven two O seven two o seven seven, or you
can email us. Hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Either way.
Speaker 6 (01:14):
So late they've been having trouble with regulating my emotions
when I'm feeling like emotional or like something bottom me
or something with my boyfriend. Though we've been dating almost
a year now pretty much, and we moved in, I'd
get the intador's sunburn and we'd get along really well.
But I like to talk about my feeling that I
(01:35):
could talk about everything, and he really just wasn't like fuck,
he would really just like to be quiet. I had
asked him if he would go to like therapy, and
he had study gone to therapy with like his daughter's
mom and then the other girl he was dating after her,
and he just doesn't talk and doesn't like understand like
that I want to talk about things. And I don't
(01:57):
know if maybe a kat or any for revenyar a vice,
like what can I do to get in to talk
a little bit or like to open up his feelings
the tiniest bit. I mean, he feels like it's starts
start to fight, like conversation that feels like it's a fight,
but really it's not. Like I just want to talk
about this and I can talk calmly and I don't
(02:19):
have to argue about it. It's not an argument's just
how I'm feeling, and this is like different solutions and
to listen and understand and say he agrees and all
the things that he just doesn't really elaborate here and
give his side go. I don't know if there's something
intuitive message or book or something I should recommend to help,
but I love the podcast again. I can't wait to
(02:40):
hear the next new episode. Think You Bite.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
So I think this is a question a lot of
people can relate to, even if it's not about their partner.
We've all probably wanted something or wanted more from somebody
or something different.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
So I want to.
Speaker 5 (02:56):
Speak to that piece. But I also want, if you're
open to it, for you to share the way that
you asked for something that you needed in a past situation.
Speaker 4 (03:05):
Because I thought it was clevering. I thought it was good.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Yeah, short term dating relationship that I thought was maybe
going to be a little more long term.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
So I wasting I could call it that. Well, yeah,
I think that's what we would call it.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
But I get that her situation is definitely different than
this one was. But I was leaning into it as
it could be long term, so I was wanting to
present my needs. I don't think it was premature. I
think we were to that place, but he just clearly wasn't.
And the thing about him, because I know she mentioned
attachments to avoidant whatever in the voicemail, but with him,
(03:38):
early on, I thought he was so secure, so secure,
and I think she's maybe referring to that, Like in
the voicemail she used the word normal, and we're all normal.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
We all have our different attachment styles.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
But I don't know that it makes you more normal,
but the word would be secure, right.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
Yeah, And I even thought he was secure.
Speaker 5 (03:55):
Oh, we both I think we both were like, he's
just a normal guy.
Speaker 6 (04:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Well, then what I learned later.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
Is that he started showing me signs of not being
very communicative, distant, just avoidant in a way.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
And I was like, oh, just like back it was
like ping pong, kind of like really interested in and
then like this and.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
It was exhausting. And so what I learned about whatever
was going on with him. I mean, again, we don't
know all of his history, so we're not diagnosing him
in any way, shape or form, but he was definitely
not secure. He tricked us, and that happens a lot
of times because you don't know what's happening with someone
until you have certain situations and then you see how
(04:40):
they react and respond. So I had decided I needed
to be very clear with him and say, in order
for me to stay interested in this relationship, I'm going
to need you to schedule our dates like a week
in advance, so that I know that you're interested instead
of just randomly going in Miia for a little bit
and then call telling me.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
On the very day you want to do something.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It felt just very distant and I didn't feel like
a priority or important and I'm not needy. I didn't
need to be with him all the time.
Speaker 4 (05:12):
It's okay to have needs, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
I think I was okay with presenting my needs, but
I'm clarifying for anyone that might be like, oh, well,
maybe you were just being too much or and he
needed a break, not at all. There was lots of
space given, so I did have to vocalize, and Kat
and I were having a conversation before we recorded, after
we listened to the voicemail together before we started recording,
and I was like, shoot, how did I come up
(05:37):
with my statement? Because I was practicing how I was
going to say it, and Kat's like, I feel like
it was a friend that gave it to you, and
I was like, I think it was my therapist.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
But either way, I don't know. It is good to
give yourself a little script of sorts.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
We do this in parenting. We can do this in
a lot of relationships at work and friendships. It's good
to have a little script, especially if you're nervous about
saying something.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And when you're for me.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
What I found is like, it's because something's important to me,
or I like this person, or I care about this
relationship with this person, so I want to be careful.
It's not fake, and how you're presenting it, it's just
a little rehearsed. And so I went over and over,
you know, in order for me to stay interested, because
if not, I was going to have to move on
and I was going to lose interest. And I didn't
(06:21):
want to lose interests because I liked him and I
thought he liked me, and I think he did, but
he just was also very interested in other people, come
to find out, which was the problem. Which was the problem,
that's why he was unavailable. Yeah, and so I think
in your situation, your partner is unavailable for different reasons.
(06:42):
He's seeming distant, but you know where he is. Maybe
he's playing his game, or he's just not wanting to
talk about things. You've suggested therapy and he's not wanting
to go. So Kat and I will talk through some things. Kat,
you can get back to it. But that's that was
my statement to that short term relationship. I had my
little script and guess what, it worked itself out, and
(07:03):
we were not meant to be together, and that.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
Is totally compatible.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
We weren't compatible, right, And I think what I want
to say too about something you touched on right after
the voicemail plate is just it's very common for people
to have different communication styles and relationships, like I would
think more common than not. It's I don't know, I
feel like you're I know you've been married for a
year and a half. Now do you feel like you
and your husband have the same type of communication style.
Speaker 5 (07:31):
Honestly, Patrick might communicate a little bit better than me.
He's a little bit more calm, But what is helpful
about the way we operate is we kind of complement
each other.
Speaker 4 (07:41):
And he is slower.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
I can be quick to feel he's a little slower
to feel he's a little bit more passive in that
he can let things go. But what also is helpful
in that is, and I've had to work on this
from my side, so I don't like steamroll on, is
that because he is a little bit more passive, sometimes
he's able to see my point of view easier because
(08:05):
he's just a little bit more regulated. But what I
think is really important to note is one you said
about the attachment styles and and you thinking that this
person was secure and then later down the road finding
out maybe that's not the case.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
Or who knows. People get really down on themselves when.
Speaker 5 (08:24):
They're like, how did I not know this about him
or or her or them?
Speaker 4 (08:29):
And I thought they were this way? With this is
that they're this way.
Speaker 5 (08:33):
People are going to show up seeming normal or at
their best until they don't until your needs bump up
with their needs, and so nobody's showing up. I mean,
think about it from is lands a little bit more anxious.
I wasn't like shown up to a first date super anxious,
being like okay, so like do you like me? And
(08:54):
that stuff doesn't come out until later when you're having
like real relationship things come up, So we aren't going
to know until we know. I mean, sometimes things are
a little bit more obvious. So this isn't a blanket statement.
But for anybody who is like, well, how do I know?
How do I not get into this trap? It's not
about not finding those people again, or not finding somebody
who's avoidant or anxious. It's about when I find when
(09:17):
I do find out that they are this way and
my needs are not being met, what's my return rate
of me saying this is not going well for me,
this isn't working for me. Because what gets us in
trouble is that we force force, force, force force, We try, try, try, try, try,
and we try to change ourselves and we try to
change them and it doesn't work, versus realizing we might
(09:39):
not be compatible. And that's what it comes down to
with attachment styles and dating is it's not that one
person is bad. It's not that one person person's too
needy and one person doesn't have enough needs or it
isn't able to give enough. It's that you guys are
not compatible, which is hard because when we meet somebody
that we like, when we want to make it work,
(09:59):
we're we'll just change them, or we'll do this and
a lot of times we have to realize either we're
not compatible, so I'm going to go find somebody who's
attachment style and communication style and emotional style matches with
mine and compliments mine, or I'm going to have to
accept that some of the needs that I do want
(10:20):
aren't going to be met and if staying in this
relationship is worth it, okay, I have to accept that
this part might not get met or these things might
not happen.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
Am I okay with that?
Speaker 5 (10:33):
And then you get to make if you say yes, okay, well,
they just know that this is probably going to be here.
You can't date somebody and you can't be with somebody's potential.
You have to be with who they are.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
So is this where radical acceptance would come in? So
you'd have to radically accept that certain needs may not
be met and also there could be hope for a
bridge to be built, like.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Well, right, we can commun municate with each other.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
I mean I don't want people to say that, like,
you can't ever work on conflict if there's conflict or
there's something that you were needing in a situation and
somebody was just totally unaware. But if I'm dating somebody
who is let's just say, I'm dating somebody who is
avoidant or leans very avoidant in their attachment style. If
they are not interested in working on that, there's not
(11:22):
really much I can do except say, Okay, some of
my needs not be met might not be met. And
I'm saying this like it's so easy. I know it's
not that easy to leave a relationship, but there has
to become a time where it's like, oh, I know
that I am worth having X, y Z in a relationship,
and so I'm going to let this relationship go knowing
(11:43):
that it's not because there's something wrong with me that
I'm not getting my needs met.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
It's because maybe what this person has to offer doesn't match.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
And I really highlight that. It's like there's not a
problem with one of you, you're just different. And I
really highlight that.
Speaker 4 (12:07):
It's like there's not a problem with one of you,
you're just different.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
So all that to say, before you do that, you
can do something like speak your needs and ask your
needs like you did, and what you found out is like, Okay,
he's not going to do that.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
And so I remember having that conversation. I didn't find
out in that conversation, he wasn't going to do that.
He heard me, I felt heard, and I think he
was sort of like, okay, So then he was more
deliberate about making plans with me, but he was also
just making plans.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
With other people.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
And I didn't know that, which was also okay because
we hadn't had that were exclusive conversation. But I don't know,
just other actions were showing me that we were leaning
more exclusive. So again, communication is key. And we have
a series coming up. We've already teased it a little
bit before, but it'll be soon and it's The Horsemen,
(13:01):
and that's from Gotman, right, Okay, so I guess that's
why Gotman's on the brain. And then also I came
across something and when I heard the voicemail, was like, oh, well,
the Gotman Institute. They have an app for couples.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
And I know that.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
You know, your guy had tried therapy with other people,
and I wasn't sure if he was interested in doing
it with you. But like you said, Kat, if they're
willing to do the work, then there's hope. If not,
then you're gonna have to have radical acceptance and then
just understand that you're not gonna be able to change
this part. So you either need to stay in with
that acceptance or get out. And so if you go
(13:39):
to Gotman dot com. I looked them up and then
just slash couples, there's a lot of different things for
couples to do. And I don't know, I don't have
this app, but this is an endorsement. It's not like
I'm like, oh, I use this in my relationship and
it really help. But there's card decks in the app,
So there are like thousands of flash cards that says here,
(14:00):
and these are decks with different resources questions, probably conversation starters.
I don't know, I'm just guessing, but obviously helpful tools
for your relationship where y'all could do it in the
comfort of your own home and maybe make a little
fun night of it and it doesn't have to be
an overwhelming night, like what if y'all.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Do dinner at home in a movie?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
But your advertiser is three questions?
Speaker 5 (14:22):
Yeah, well, I think I've shared on here and maybe
I've just shared with you that those concrete conversation cards too.
Speaker 6 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Amazon has tons of like couple million cards. I guess
I just the Gotman Institute is like a reputable his.
Speaker 4 (14:34):
Are probably the cream of the crop.
Speaker 5 (14:36):
I'm sure we I just don't have experience with them,
but I have the concrete conversations for couples. I have
them myself and sometimes I'll take a couple of them
on a date.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
With me and Patrick.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
I've done that and I'll take you can I can
pick them out, so I don't pick level three if
I want to have like a fun airy night. And
we've done them with friends before on vacations, I brought them,
or I've had clients them and do them on road trips,
and so it's say, and I will say, doing those
kind of conversations when you're driving or on a walk
is very helpful because for somebody who gets overwhelmed with
(15:11):
high emotional situations, not having to make eye contact can
kind of help them lean into the exercise a little
bit more.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
Ooh, pro tip. I was why, I said, I've done that,
and I think I have.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Like some of your cards, your couples cards. You gave
me a handful. Really, yeah, to actually do with that guy,
I was really like, you have my cards? Yes?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Like did I send this forcemail? Because like things you're
suggesting no, you don't remember.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
No, you gave me the couples one.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
I have just regular concrete conversations, and you gave me
the specific you gave me a stack of the couples ones,
because I know specifically that I did the couples ones
level like one and two, yeah, not level three with him,
and he couldn't have been yeah, more about it. Oh remember,
because there's the three quite like, discribe your partner in
(16:02):
like three words. And he told me one of mine
was smelly, but like smelling good in a good way,
Like he said, I just always smelled like good lotion
or whatever, but I'm like elly, smell like that smelly.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
That was one of the I told you.
Speaker 5 (16:16):
I have one friend that I took these on vacation
with us, and I brought them to dinner every night
with us. It was two couples, me and Patrick and
then our friends. And we used that card. And my
friend's husband described her as one of the words, you
have three words, describe your partner in three words. One
of the words he just said her name. Yeah, he's like,
you're so, and then their cat like that doesn't count.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
Yeah, obviously she's cat to you because she's cat or
whatever her name was, and now we're gonna throw her
under the bus.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
But speaking of bus, that was also he also, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
If she were to have I think one of the
questions was like, if you your partner could have any
career outside of what they actually do, like what do
you see them.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Doing any any car? Any And I think he's the
same guy that said bus driver.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
So if she was like, honey, what's going on and
they're not married, right, nothing wrong with the bus driver,
she was like, why would you choose that for me?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I don't want to do that.
Speaker 5 (17:13):
I don't even like to drive, right, But he was like,
you're so good with people and caring.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
The reasoning was sweets thoughtful.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
Yeah, because like everybody that rode a school bus, you
either remember your bus driver is like really cool and
sweet and kind or scary.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Right, it looks like you're under the couples thing.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
At gotmin dot com too, they have a free relationship
quiz for couples. Oh don't know what that entails, but
they try it. We're back resources online, So.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah, if you don't want to pay and buy these
conversation cards, this might be a I don't know if
this is a free app.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
Well, I know that this couple's quiz is freee.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
But that's a easy way if if you want to
get more deep conversations with your partner, that's easy way
to start with the level one cards and then ease
a man to it, because it can for somebody who's
not used to that kind of stuff. If you grew
up in a home or I mean men specifically, aren't
you girls, it's so different. The way we bond is
(18:11):
about our feelings and our lies and deep stuff going
on and maybe our traumas. Men bond over sports, and
I mean women bond over pop culture too and stuff
like that, but men don't have as many opportunities to
be asked those questions and to ask those questions, and
so it feels bigger and heavier in general, even if
(18:32):
you are not an avoidant person, if you don't lean
that way, that is just going to be more foreign
for men than for women.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Yeah, and I'm thinking too, and however you present this
to him. I do this even with my kids, but
like presenting it as like we're a team and so
that someone doesn't feel on the defense, right, like if
like this is your flaw and we need to do
this because you can't communicate.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
But do you know what I mean, make it about
you too, like I need.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
I want to know where I can show up for
you and meet certain needs you have. And instead of
just like obviously you were sharing with us in the voicemail,
like your side and what is going on. Obviously, if
you had more time, you would have shared way more
and maybe even shared okay, maybe some things you could
work on. I guess I'm just sharing as a little
(19:24):
tidbit side note when you bring it up, because then
that can help someone just put down their wall or
put down any defense they may have up and be
more open to whatever suggestion or conversation that y'all can
do together as a team in your relationship, because otherwise
look's like you're going to be peace out scout and
(19:47):
girls peace out girls scout, And I mean, we don't
want that for you unless that's what's meant for you.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
We don't know what sounds like.
Speaker 5 (19:53):
You want to try something, you want to work on
it for you have to get to that acceptance part.
And so that's this is a This can also be
a fun way to do that too, and it takes
a pressure off of both of you a little bit.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
I'm really glad you gave the tip about doing it
while driving or walking. Like the question cards like I'm like,
sit down, sit, crisscross, apple sauce, look at each other
in the eyes, exer size first, eat your food, look
at each other. You don't get to watch the movie
till you're done. Yeah, do three questions. That's definitely how
I would do it.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Again, Cat's the expert.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
So and give the person a pass. How about that.
I think that's helpful too, because if you're picking the
questions randomly, then some of them are pretty deep. If
give him like one pass that he doesn't have to
answer that one if he doesn't want to, kind of
how like in fish Bowl, if you can't do the charade,
(20:47):
you can pass one pass it. I like having it
that feels less threatening, like you have to answer these questions.
It's like, well, no, I if this one isn't the
one for me, I can pick anyone.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Okay, we hope this helps, and we hope you have
the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Bye bye h
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