December 11, 2025 • 37 mins
In this Couch Talks, Amy and Kat explore two very real moments listeners are navigating right now…one about grief, and one about blending families and homes.
They begin with a note from a listener whose father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. In the middle of her husband’s heartbreak, she offered him the phrase Amy and Kat say every week: “Have the day you need to have.” Permission to feel is sometimes the most supportive thing we can give someone.
This leads to Amy sharing a story about Kat affirming her decision to eat an entire bag of sharable M&Ms and an Auntie Anne’s pretzel from the Denver airport (FYI: the one in Terminal C is the best Amy says she’s ever had!) When Amy wondered how many servings of M&Ms she’d just eaten, Kat replied with: “You had the amount of servings you needed to have.” GOOD REPLY, KAT!!!
Then they dive into a second email from a listener wrestling with a big life transition: moving into her partner’s home as they prepare for marriage…kids, mortgages, logistics and feelings all included. How do you make someone else’s house feel like your home? Should she ask to be added to the deed? Is combining households always this complicated? They answer these questions (their opinions!) and Amy shares feelings she’s having about her boyfriend and this exact topic.
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good. All right, break it down. If you ever have
feelings that you just fons Amy and Cat gotcha, Covin
locking a brother, Ladies and folks, do you just follow
the spirit where it's all.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
The phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and the.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
M but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday,
Welcome to Couch Talks, Our Q and a episode of
the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat, And quick disclaimer before we
get into today's episode that although we might be giving
some feedback, this does not serve as actual therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, our first email is encouragement. Oh and then we
have an email that has questions, So disclaimer not needed
for this one. Good morning, Amy and Kat. I wanted
to thank you for everything that you share. It really
makes a difference. You're saying how that they need to
have is great. I have loved it since the first
time I heard it, and loved it even more when
you explained it. The other day. After Thanksgiving, my father
(01:05):
in law was diagnosed with cancer and his lungs and
his liver. My husband was devastated and one day. As
he was crying, he was saying, I'm trying so hard
to be strong. We talked about how you need to
just feel what you are feeling. Anyway, back to my
original reason for the email. In the mornings when we
go to work, we always give each other a kiss,
say I love you and have a great day. Yesterday,
(01:28):
without even thinking, I said, have the day you need
to have. He looked at me, smiled and said, thank you.
I will have a day. So thank you both for
making a difference in my life. And then she signed
it and where she's from. But then she also said,
if you read this on the show, please keep me anonymous.
So we shall do that. So thank you for that email.
And I'm really sorry for what you're going through, your husband,
(01:49):
your father in law. That is never easy. And I
can say from walking through cancer with both of my parents,
there are so many days where y'all are all going
to just need to have the day that you need
to have. And hopefully that's saying will come in handy
more and more. I wish I had had it during
my mom's journey. You know, her motto and movement during
(02:10):
her time was joy. The joy of the Lord is
my strength is where she got that, and then it
turned into pimp and joy an entire movement, and it
was great to have that. However, not every day was
just full of joy. She tried to do her best
to spread joy at the hospital, you know, talking to strangers,
complimenting them, because they're all when you're at a cancer
(02:31):
hospital she does at Indy Anderson, everybody's going through stuff.
So she just always tried to smile at people and
be that joy. It wasn't so much as her just
choosing joy for herself all the time, because that's really
difficult to do. Is about spreading joy to others in
a difficult time, which then in turn brought my mom joy.
To compliment someone or smile at someone, and then that
gives them a reason to smile.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, but then you had days two where you.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Were like, oh yeah, it was terrible, Yeah, terrible, and
we had permission to feel those feelings. My mom was
good about feeling at all. I think she put on
more of a front than she needed to. I wish
she was still here with the growth that I've had,
so I could look at her and be like, Mom,
you don't have to do this, like let it all out.
This totally sucks. Hers would more, I think we would
(03:16):
have the days we need to have, but I think
those days would come out of more of when it
was like we'd reach the limit and there was no
more that you couldn't you couldn't ignore those big feelings
that were coming up. And so I wish before it
sort of exploded, we had had more days where it
was like, hey, do we just need to have the
(03:36):
day we need to have instead of pushing this off
till Friday when we explode, You'll need that And hopefully
that's saying well can be a mantra for your family
during this time. I will say that I was just
at this therapy intensive type thing and the leader of
it had cancer and something she said she had cancer,
(03:58):
so she's in remission. Since this is fresh on my brain,
I'm just going to say this, and Kat and I
know you and I were talking about earlier, like feeling tired.
We talk a lot about feelings around the podcast because
this is feeling things. We try not to become the
feeling like instead of saying I'm anxious, it's I'm feeling anxious.
(04:19):
Now you, as a therapist, do you encourage this to
your clients.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, yeah, to separate. Yeah, so you're not that thing.
There's more to you is There was there a lot
about that, the intensive.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
It was a lot of that, the intensive. But when
it came to her cancer specifically, she shared that she said,
I never referred to it as my cancer. It never
became my identity. She always had other words that separated
it from it becoming who she was. And she thinks
that was instrumental in her part of her journey. And
(04:50):
now I can't say that that's the case or not,
but I would be willing to try anything. What can't
hurt keep me, it can't hurt, right, you know. She
said she would talk to her body and like, thank
it for doing its thing, because the cancer when it's
multiplying and now this is me paraphrasing here, we're not
a medical podcast. By it means, I am telling you
all a story that she told me. Your body thinks
(05:13):
it's doing what it's supposed to be doing to help you.
It's actually not trying to harm you when it's multiplying
the cancer cells, right, it's oh, it thinks it's doing
what you need. And so she would talk to her
body and say thank you for trying to take care
of me and do what you think I need. I'm good,
I don't need your help. But she would speak to
her body in a kind way.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So first it's like, why are you doing this? Yes?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, And I know that my mom's doctors would always
encourage her to think as positively as possible. I imagine
there's research around that. Again, because I don't have it
right in front of me, I don't want to say
it or offer any type of false hope. However, if
it doesn't hurt, like we're not asking you to go
out and like not seek treatment and just talk positively. No,
(05:59):
it was in conjunction with her chemo, her radiation, having
more positive thinking. And then in this therapist case that
I was just with, she would talk to her body
and thank it and release it from its duty and
say you are no longer needed, thank you for trying
that it's not working.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
You have the day off.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yeah, it's okay, We're good. And then she would never
ever ever take it on as her identity because it
was in her mind she wanted to keep that separation.
Similar to your feelings. I don't know how your father
in law will receive that, but even literature. I felt
like that was helpful during my mom's time, Like if
there was research about stuff like that, printing it out
(06:39):
and just being like, I have this, if you would
be interested, no pressure, but it could be healing for
your husband to look at it and help his mental
health during this time being his dad.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
I think that stuff never Yeah, you're not telling somebody
to not do something that they need to do. It's like,
this isn't going to hurt you. It might not make
the difference, but it also could in conjunction with like
when you need to have a day where you're like
just need to be upset and angry, you also can
do that too, but that's not the every day.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
The every day you like make a conscious effort to
think positively about it. I know that even with my
mood very different from cancer obviously, But when she was
talking about not taking on your feelings as your identity,
I was like, oh, man, I kind of known. I
know this. I've heard this before. But I think I
(07:31):
get into ruts sometimes where I definitely take it on
and I'm like, oh, I'm exhausted. It's like, no, right now,
I feel exhausted.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
I the other day or since. Actually we recorded the
episode on the drama Triangle which just came out when
we talked about being above and below the line. Since
I was talking that about that again, I feel like
I've been more aware of when I'm being above and
below the line. And I think I even said to
you the other day, like I need to be below
the line for a second, going to say this, But
then after I say that, I can bring myself back
(08:03):
above the line and be more say things that are
actually going to help me and motivate me towards change
versus staying stuck and where I am. Yeah, So that
language I think has helped me in the past week.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I know there was something that you could have been
below the line with and maybe this is actually what
you're referring to too, But because we were doing a
text exchange about something, you were like, I'm above the line.
Is about your trip to New York. Oh yeah, and
how you don't know if it's going to get canceled
or not, and now it's not, but you stayed it.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Would have been well, I was below the line for
a second and then I brought myself.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Right shart yourself up, and then you're like, look, what's
about the line? You're getting to enjoy it and looking
at that like and that felt really good. The glass
half full instead of half empty. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, Okay,
So have the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Ooh.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
This email also made me think of something you've said
to me the other day over text when I was
flying home from that therapy thing. This email also made
(09:10):
me think of something you've said to me the other
day or text. When I was flying home from that
therapy thing, I had a lot of emotions and feelings happening,
and at the airport I bought a bag of Eminem's
peanut butter. I love peanut Eminem's.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
But I don't like the peanut butter ones. But that's okay,
you can. I want you to like them. Yeah, I
thought you said peanut Eminems. I think I said peanut,
but you probably did. But peanut is my go to.
Either they didn't have them or I was just craving
something different. I don't know, but I get the peanut
butter Eminem's. It's a sharable bag, and sometimes a sharable
(09:51):
bag like that could last me weeks. Like the bag
that you open, it.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Just says shaable, terrible and cheerable on the bag. It's
not a single serving bag and it's not a fun size.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That's gonna say.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
So it's the bag tears. It literally says shareable on
the bag, which means there's lots in there. But I'm
not talking like a massive bag that ziplock.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I mean, I think that's a family bag.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I thought when I responded to you, just keep in
mind that's what I thought you were eating. And I
was like, go a kid it.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
No, it was a terrible but shareable no, no ziplock
bag seal up. Okay, So it is intended to be
shared though, Okay, And you know I also got me
anti ens which, let me tell y'all, Terminal C at
the Denver Airport Antie Annes slaps.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
We were just talking about that. Yes, we talked.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
About how at the mall Anians isn't quite hitting like
it used to. It's such a disappointment anytime I've tried
to go down that memory lane. Well again, I have
a lot of feelings and emotions. I'm in a airport,
I'm traveling for hours. I'm having the day I need
to have, so I have my m and m's that's sweet.
So I need something salty. So they had Annieans right
(11:13):
there by my gate. Again, I will say it again
because it's winter, maybe a lot of you're retraveling to
cold places. You go through Denver Terminal. See, this is
part of like a convenience store bookstore situation, just like
it's not an Antians all by itself. It's like part
of the good Bye Other Snacks. No, it's right dare
You'll see it.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
It's the best Anians pretzel I've ever had ever ever. Well, no,
because I know the difference, like I know the crappy
ones I've had at the mall in the last few
years where I'm trying to get it back to childhood.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
You know how awesome it was. No, I swear to you.
I don't know what they did different there. I don't
know what was going on, but it was perfection. Not
too much salt, just write them out, not too much better,
but write them out. The dough. Everything was perfect, every
single bite. I was trust me, I was judging every
(12:11):
bite because we had just talked about it on the podcast.
Keep in mind, I had the pretzel and then I
had the shareable peanut butter eminems and I texted Kat
and I was like, I just finished off this entire
bag of eminem's. I said, I didn't even look at
the servings, so I have no idea, and I threw
the bag away. I didn't care. I wasn't looking at
the servings. I mean that was my dinner. Well they
(12:32):
had the spot though, and Kat just replied it had
the servings that you needed to have, and I was like,
that is such a good answer. I loved that answer.
You are like, oh, are you okay or are you sad?
Or like, oh what's going on? Or or oh I
can't Oh I saw those have four servings, Like I
(12:53):
don't know.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Keep in mind, I thought you were eating. I was
a little shocked because like that is a lot in there,
but like you needed to have them, Okay, it's not
like you do that every day.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Well I just loved that answer because you were just
like it had the amount of servings you needed, and
that helped me. I was like, you know what it did.
And then I was like, body, do your thing and
then you can move on. And then I talked to
my body. I'm like, you know what to.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Do with that energy? I just gave you.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Now I'm gonna go sit on sit on the flight
and watch a movie. Yeah, you know exactly what to do.
Put me to sleep, help me feel good, comfort me.
So I loved that answer. So it's half the day
you need to have and yeah, I have the servings
you need to have, but be mindful.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
When you need to be when you need to be.
I would say that's like a time where like, because
food can be used for comfort, we don't want it
to always be the thing we go to. But you
were in an airport alone by yourself. That's what your
body knew to do, is to turn towards like a
nostalgic food and to help you kind of associate for
a second and then you can bring yourself back into it.
We don't want you to do that every single day,
(13:59):
but when there aren't a lot of other options, sometimes
that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, okay, next to you,
mel Dear Amy and Kat, I was hoping to get
your advice on this situation. My boyfriend and I will
be getting married, but the living situation has been weighing
on me. We both own our own homes and we
each have kids. His house is large, enough to comfortably
fit all of us, and honestly, he has a lovely home. However,
will it ever feel like my home too? If I
(14:25):
move into his house, do I make it feel like
it is ours? Will it always feel like his? Do
I ask to be added to the deed? Financially? How
does that look? We could always sell both and look
for a new one together, but interest rates right now
are not ideal. I am not sure what I feel
or how to approach this any thoughts. I appreciate all
that you do. Hope you both have the day you
(14:45):
need to have all the best, Okay, Anonymous? So I
will say this delicately as I might be in somewhat
of a similar situation, and you know, we have our
kids think about, and my boyfriend has his kids, and yes,
us moving into their house would make the most sense,
(15:07):
I say delicately, And it's sensitive because my boyfriend's wife,
their mom, passed away, so it was the house they
all shared together. In fact, she passed away in the
primary bedroom, which would be my bedroom. That has felt
like a lot for me to process. Still working through it.
(15:28):
And I'm not saying we're not engaged, we're not getting married,
but these are conversations that we're having, y'all seem like
this is definitely a marriage is happening. Y'all need to
make a decision. Let's just go through the questions. Will
it ever feel like my home too? Yes, eventually, I
think because I've contemplated that exact thing, I do think
it will take time and your attitude.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Well, yeah, And I was going to say, what do
you need to make it feel like you're home? Because
it's one thing if you just move in there and
you have to like figure out where your stuff fits.
But are having conversations about like bringing your style in
or maybe there's like pieces of furniture that you love
in your home that you'd like to like make work there.
I think there's ways to like shift things and add
(16:11):
your touch versus you just move into that house as is.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, I've had thoughts as detailed as going into their kitchen,
like would my kids feel like they can go to
the fridge and get whatever they want out? And same
thing for me, Like, well I ever feel like if
I'm in the kitchen, I have just as much right
to open the fridge and do whatever and go to
(16:35):
the cabinet. And I think that answers, Yes, it's just
going to take time to get comfortable. Now. My solution
with that, which I've shared with my boyfriend is and
this may not be the option for everybody, and I'm
not even saying it's our option, but this is in
my mind. I'm like, well, then we just got the kitchen,
we got it start over, which you could new fridge,
and in his house, it actually it is time for
(16:57):
that sort of a situation. So so that does he
think that, yes, okay, he loves how it looks. No,
he agrees that it's time for a freshmen up Like
his house was originally built in nineteen thirty eight, which
that's not the kitchen we're operating with. Obviously there's been
upgrades since then. But you know, I think even the
last time he upgraded it, they were at a different
(17:18):
place even financially to where they kind of did things
on He's like, oh, we didn't do this maybe the
way we would have done it because we weren't where
we wanted to be financial Like I get that, Like
there's upgrades you make sometimes like where's your budget, Like
this is what you're going to do. So I think
there's things he would like to do differently now that
he's at a different phase of life of like, oh, yeah,
we definitely we did that on the cheap, which that
(17:38):
makes sense. Yeah, so I don't know where y'all are
or where it is with his house, but that's an
option of like, are there certain appliances that might need
to change just because it's time, And then it's like, oh,
we get to go pick this out together, and then
it feels more like yours. And even in his kitchen,
I say, gut it. It doesn't have to be a full remodel,
like we were even just looking at his island, because
(18:00):
he'd be going from three kids to plus two to mine.
Now we've got five kids. We need to change the
seating situation. So one of the changes we might make
is change the island in the middle. It's really wide
right now. Instead of having a kind of a square
wide one, we make it a long, narrow one. And
that's like a switch up that just kind of feels
different and then feels like you've got some say in
(18:21):
it and it's creating space for you to be there.
Or again, it doesn't have to be a whole remodel,
but could the fridge change or the kid, the faucet.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I was gonna say that little things, the knob.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
The knobs on the cabinets, Like there's things you could
do paint, can you paint the cabinets or little things
at a time, Like I was looking at their the
half bath, which is the guest bath that everybody uses,
and that could definitely use some sprucing up. And that's
probably the tiniest space in the house. And for me,
I'm like, oh, what if I got to start here
(18:53):
and we just started with this tiny half bath and
I get to put some of my esthetic to it,
and then every time I go to the half bath,
I'll be like, oh, my little space and then still
like home in here. Slowly you can start to influence
other parts that will help you feel like it's y'all's place,
not just yours, not just his. But these are things
(19:14):
when you're I totally feel you like you're moving into
somebody else's space and it's been there and his kids,
it's been their space. And I don't know if his
ex lived there or what that situation is, but that's
my mind's a little more sensitive because she's not an
ex like she passed away. So if I move into
his house. How do I make it feel like ours? Well,
I think some of those are tips for that. Will
(19:34):
it always feel like his? No, I don't think so.
Do I ask to be added to the deed?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Financially, how does that look? Well, that's gonna be between
you and him. But I highly highly advise y'all to
get with a financial advisor. For however, you own your
own home now, so does that mean are you going
to rent that out? Are you going to sell it?
And then do you take a chunk of that and
put it into investments into his house? Or do do
you get to invest that money yourself? And then he's
(20:02):
just going to be like, oh yeah, I'll add you
to the deed. I don't know. Or do you want
it to be more fair or equal? What if there
are some home improvements, maybe you pay for certain things,
but all of that is written in detail. I would
not be blase about any of this because this could
be one of those things get really tricky, and of
course we all want to hope for the best. But
(20:24):
in this case, y'all have both been in prior relationships
in I don't know how messy or clean the ending
of those were but I don't think you can ever
be too safe. It doesn't mean you don't love each other,
but I absolutely think if you're moving in there, you
need to be a part of that house in some way,
shape or form, especially if something were to happen.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Yeah, because if you're I think this is part of
what you're saying. If you're paying to upgrade and update
some of these things in the house, you're investing in
the house. Therefore, that's where, like talking to a financial
advisor is something of how do we really go about
this to make it make sense to be fair for
both of us, Because if you're just like spending making
up this amount of money, but if you like spend
one hundred thousand dollars on renovations, but that's your money
(21:07):
from selling your house and you've paid and put that
into the house, like you should have some steak in
that house.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Yeah, you know, have equity in that house. And then
also what is his mortgage? Does he still have one?
Are you going to be contributing monthly to it? Do
you contribute towards the bills? Like now your kids are
combined with his kids, Like how are y'all handling? Like
there's there's groceries, there's a lot of finances. Now, some
people choose to merge and they keep they merge their lives,
so they keep finances separate. Y'all might do that. I
(21:35):
don't want to be that way, and my boyfriend doesn't
want to be that way. But there are absolulutely conversations
that we need to have further. And honestly, when we
talk about maybe what our next moves are, and we
do talk about it, we kind of always say, Okay,
well we'll talk about that later, and eventually they's gonna
come later. It's got to be later, and we're just
gonna have to sit down and we're gonna have to
sit down together. We may have to sit down with
(21:56):
a financial person, and that's and maybe don't. It doesn't
have to be a financial advisor. But is there somebody
that you trust that can be that third party that
it has no emotional investment in anything that y'all are
saying or doing and they can just look at the
numbers and come up with something that is fair to
everyone involved.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
I don't know if this was before or after we
got married. I think it was before we each owned
our own houses and Patrick sold his house and then
moved into mine, and so we met with a financial
advisor about like, what do we do with the money
from that we have from his sell of his house
because he was going to gain my house when we
got married, so it was like that money also was ours.
(22:51):
So we met with somebody about that because I honestly
was like, I don't know what we're supposed to do?
Is that yours? But then I was like, wait, no,
but then my house is your house, so like I
should get part of your house?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Like absolutely, So it's confusing, and I think money is scary,
especially for women, which we've talked about a lot. So
having somebody that doesn't have any like bias towards one
or the other and can just objectively talk and explain
how this works is I think very helpful. Who's looking
out for both people and the common good versus like
(23:22):
just looking out for you or just looking out for
your husband.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah, and if y'all haven't had these types of conversations,
definitely don't be like, well, my friends Amy and Kat
said no, but just you know, go to him and say, hey,
I've been thinking about this and these are some questions
I have I think these are fair questions to take
to him. I would even bring up the will this
ever feel like my own? Or what are we going
(23:46):
to do to help this feel like it's ours, because
I got to say, he's not having to experience that,
And you could even present that to him if this
were flipped, what would you need? Now? Women are different
in our feelings, so he could definitely reply with I
don't think i'd need anything. I think i'd feel fine. Okay,
(24:07):
well that's not the case for me. So maybe that
little Switcheruski example didn't work, and you just share that, like,
these are your your feelings around it, So before let's
come with an action plan, I.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Think along what you're saying, you can ask what feels
important about this move for us, because these are things
that feel important to her, So asking him to like,
I have some things that feel really important that I
want to talk about what feels important to you, and
so if we can address them of those, then also
he can address them of her things, because yeah, you
guys both might not align on what feels important, but
(24:43):
we can both understand that that's important for the other
person and take it seriously and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Yeah, and then just allow yourself that adjustment period. I
imagine it's probably different for everybody, but I do think
there will come a time where you're like, oh, you know,
you're like sitting in live where you're in the kitchen
and y'all are making memories and having fun, and maybe
a couple of years have passed you're like, oh wow,
I can't believe. I was thinking that maybe this wasn't possible.
(25:10):
You are not alone and feeling that though, like I
have looked at Zillow multiple times, like thinking, okay, us
just moving somewhere else, starting somewhere fresh is the go
to solution here, because then everybody's on the same playing field.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I have to admit something. It's not that bad.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Oh okay.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
When Patrick moved into my house, I kept calling at
my house. I'd say, they can come to my house,
or let's go to my house, or I was Patrick
had to correct me. He said, it's multiple times, like
it's our house, they can come to our house. So
that was something that he had to bring to me,
because I don't think I was doing that maliciously. I
think I was just used to stay in my house,
(25:55):
and so that can even be something that you ask
for It's like, in this tradit tradition transition, we have
to change our language and start saying like, this is
our house, not just because it's gonna be a change
of how he speaks, because right now that's his house
and you have your house.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Yeah, that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
You thought I was gonna say something really crazy.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
I was like, okay, all right, do we need to
turn the mics down? What are you about to confess?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
No, that's a good I was guilty of that, and
I'm just saying that because I didn't do that maliciously,
but I did need him to ask me to change.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Now that's a good thing to have in the forefront
of anybody that might be going through this. They can
start working on that now. And I can go ahead
and tell my boyfriend, can you just start saying our house?
Speaker 1 (26:43):
So then you're like, I have two houses. Your house
is our house and then my house is my house.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
That's what When Ben and I first got married, he
was in the Air Force and lived in Cambridge, England,
and he had a flat there and it's his fun
I was like, so we have a house across the pond,
and right after we got married, we went to England.
We didn't do our honeymoon for six months after. We
(27:09):
went to Ziwatanejo for our honeymoon. That's in Mexico. Okay,
you know, have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption?
Speaker 1 (27:16):
No, Patrick really wants me to watch that, but it's old.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Well there's a beach scene at the end, and that's Zwashinah.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Cool fun fact cool. So that's where we went. And
that was six months after our wedding. Immediately after our wedding,
like the next day after we got married, we flew
to England so that I could go to the base
there and do all of my intake paperwork as a
military spouse. And we had to create a will for
him and do all this stuff because he was about
(27:45):
to go to Afghanistan.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
So I went.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
I ended up going to my house across the pond
and he had roommates military friends.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
And did he own that or are they station you
and they gave you that way?
Speaker 2 (28:00):
He rented. He didn't live on base. He lived the
base was I don't even know if it was near Cambridge.
It was Milden Hall, which is an Air Force base,
and he lived in Cambridge. Did you used to watch
and they I guess they just rented it Army wives.
I dabbled. I dabbled. I never got fully into it.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Mine.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Then, what were you going to say, I don't know
what my life. Well, I never lived on base. I'm
pretty sure they lived on post or base.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or Yeah, that was a good show back then.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I definitely dabbled. It's been a minute since I thought
of it.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
But well, that's romantic. The day after your wedding you
went and made a will for your new husband.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
That's going to war.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Yeah, yeah, I know. I was like, Okay, so did
you go to England?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Often? No, because we knew during our engagement that his
next deploit station assignment was going to be North Carolina.
So in the military wasn't going to pay to move
me to England if they knew they were going to
turn around and pay to move us to North Carolin
six months later. And he was going to be in
Afghanistan for most of that time. So he only had
(29:05):
six or seven more months in England after we got married.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How long did he live in England?
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Over five years?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
So you and you dated he was living in England.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Uh huh. Yeah, But remember we only went out for
six months. I know that.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Yeah, you went out and were engaged.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Yeah, Like he only flew in town because our family
friend was getting married in the summer, like it was June.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I guess, wait a second, how many times did you see.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Him before you? He did have some flight training school
in Albuquerque that he went to he flew in for
and I went and flew to Albuquerque and hung out
with him for the weekend. He said, that's the weekend
that he knew he wanted to marry me.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
So you hung out with him like three times and
then you got that's crazy. Didn't you tell me why
it didn't work?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
But I'm just kidding. We were married seventeen years.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I was going to say my parents it was a
different time, I guess. But they were long distanced their
whole They dated and were married within a year, so
yours was six months. They dated and married within a year,
but they never ever lived together. They were long distance,
and they wrote letters to each other, like it wasn't
even phone calls, because there was I mean there were phones,
but they would call like on the phone once a week.
(30:16):
I feel like, so.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Wrote emails, okay, so cute and and during one of that,
like he had to go to something in Alabama, some
training thing where he had no contact for I don't know,
over a week and I was like what they do,
like stick you in a box and.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
They're like, yes, wait, so you this is so interesting
to me. I wish I knew you back then because
I have so many questions. But you physically spent like
time with your husband maybe four I'm just thrown out numbers.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Yeah, but keep in mind I had known him since nine.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
But you weren't romantically involved, correct, So it's a little different.
It's very different, you crazy girl.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I know. Imagine that's why everyone freaked out at work
when I come back to work and I'm like, I'm
engaged because they froze out.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Were they happy for.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Me in October? No? I think they were like who
is this guy? Like what the heck because they didn't
know I had just started on the radio show, like
I'd only worked on the show for a couple of months,
and then I was engaged. And when I started the show,
I didn't have a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Okay, I gotta tell you. And you were young too, Yeah, okay,
I have to tell you. If I was your friend,
back then. I don't know what I would do, but
I think I would have pause, which I don't want
to say because like you want to just be excited,
but I think i'd be like wait already.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
So the reason why my family or anybody didn't have
pauses because they all know him and he was best
friends is best friends with my sister's husband since they
were like four, and so it was like, imagine the
excitement around how cut that is? Like, oh, two sisters
married to bed.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
It's like a dream.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Christy married Ben and Amy's gonna marry the other bin.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
That is a dream. Yeah, but I guess can I
ask one more question about this? Okay, I don't want
to overstep. So when you were getting engaged one, oh,
I have two questions? Sorry I lied. Did you know
you were getting engaged before he proposed? No? Oh so you,
Oh my gosh, you had like a real I think
it never happens anymore. Okay, So he really asked you,
(32:14):
and you really had to think about it when he
asked you.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I did not know he was proposing to me that night,
and he had all of our family and friends like
at the bar across the street. They weren't there he
proposed in private, what if you said no, Well, then
I guess he would have told I didn't know everybody
was there, so I guess he would have told them.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Like, and you had never talked about I mean, we.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Had maybe discussed it, but I didn't know what.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Was happening because I was going to say was there.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
He was about to have to go back to English,
so he's like, I'm better do it now.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
That was my question, is like, did he said he
was going to afghanistaner's or moving stations or whatever was
the engagement at that time, because he was going to
be gone for like a really long time, and it
was like now or whatever.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
He just had made up his mind. And when he
makes up his mind on something, he knows, he's very sure.
It's just always how he's operated. He's very black and white. Yeah, yeah,
I means now he's more in the gray. Yeah, And
he's more in the gray now, which is great for
our relationship. He's very wired to be black and white.
So it's like, I'm going to marry this girl. So
(33:17):
I'm also about to go back to England and I
don't know when I'll be able to do again. So
now that I know, then I just need to ask
her and so I'm going to propose. And then we
didn't plan on getting married that quickly. It's snowballed. We
were going to have a year engagement, but the year
turned into May, which then my sister was like, I'm
pregnant and I'm doing May, and so then we're like,
(33:39):
well when, oh my gosh, we're just looking at the
calendar of when we could get married. And then my
sister said, what about New Year's Eve? And I was like,
that is in eight weeks and she's like, I can help,
and so that's great. She did and we did, and
we did.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Did he have a ring when he proposed?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Yes, did you just like go to a store and
pick one up? How did he do?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
He had his sister help him get the diamond, and
I don't know, well, he was like, you can have
we can set it, however, because I didn't know what
I wanted. But so we went and picked out the
setting and then the wedding bands and stuff. Okay, but
his sister is older than him, and he had savings
for a ring already. He had been saving since he
was young, Like a lot of guys.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Do that they just like, no, one day they're gonna
have to have that. So this is really interesting, cool cool.
I have thoughts on that just because personally me, I mean,
I got engaged after like about a year, but I
loved the phase of being engaged. I love the phase
of being boyfriend and girlfriend. So I like to like prolonged,
you know how I like to look forward to things, right,
(34:46):
So I think I would have been like, I'll have
a year and a half engagement because I like want
to look forward to this. Yeah, but interesting, I don't really.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
It's interesting. I don't really think I'm savoring the stages.
I know you're bringing up a very good point. I
need to go on a date.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Yeah, yeah? Are you do you feel like you've been
like into serious mode?
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yeah, Like we get very busy because the kids and
life and like work and things. We're not dating right now.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
You guys need to plind a cute fun date. I
know I have an idea, what is it? Well, this
is like my vibe, So I don't know if you
would like it. You could go on vacation downtown Franklin.
The Franklin Theater plays Christmas movies all through December.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Oh, I would do that. That would be fun.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Go to dinner and downtown Franklin, then go to a
movie at the Old Theater. That's a really cute Christmas
y small town life date.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
It's a good idea. People could look that up in
their towns, like there's always a small town near your town,
Like even if you live in a big city, look
at the quaint little towns around you and go on
your vacation. But it's technically yes, vacation and you sing
that song while you're doing it. We're on vaca a piece.
I live right down the road, but it's a stacation vacation.
(36:11):
Good idea, Kat, Thanks, I like it all right.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Well, I think that we've unlocked something for you, and
I've learned a lot about you.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Yeah, and good luck to both of our listeners. Totally
different situations, but both a lot to think about, a
lot to consider. And thanks for sharing your lives with us. Yeah,
we love that. If y'all want to send an email,
you can Hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
You can also call and leave us a voicemail eight
(36:38):
seven seven two oh seven two oh seven seven. And
my dog just burped. I don't know if y'all heard that.
I'm not sure if it came through, but just in
case it did, it wasn't you, It was not me.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
It was Kara.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
And you know, Car's just having the day she needs
sat she sure, yeah, and kat love you, love you too,
and those of you that are listening, have the day
you need to have.
Speaker 1 (37:04):
Bye bye mhm
Good. All right, break it down. If you ever have
feelings that you just fons Amy and Cat gotcha, Covin
locking a brother, Ladies and folks, do you just follow
the spirit where it's all.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
The phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and the.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
M but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday,
Welcome to Couch Talks, Our Q and a episode of
the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat, And quick disclaimer before we
get into today's episode that although we might be giving
some feedback, this does not serve as actual therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, our first email is encouragement. Oh and then we
have an email that has questions, So disclaimer not needed
for this one. Good morning, Amy and Kat. I wanted
to thank you for everything that you share. It really
makes a difference. You're saying how that they need to
have is great. I have loved it since the first
time I heard it, and loved it even more when
you explained it. The other day. After Thanksgiving, my father
(01:05):
in law was diagnosed with cancer and his lungs and
his liver. My husband was devastated and one day. As
he was crying, he was saying, I'm trying so hard
to be strong. We talked about how you need to
just feel what you are feeling. Anyway, back to my
original reason for the email. In the mornings when we
go to work, we always give each other a kiss,
say I love you and have a great day. Yesterday,
(01:28):
without even thinking, I said, have the day you need
to have. He looked at me, smiled and said, thank you.
I will have a day. So thank you both for
making a difference in my life. And then she signed
it and where she's from. But then she also said,
if you read this on the show, please keep me anonymous.
So we shall do that. So thank you for that email.
And I'm really sorry for what you're going through, your husband,
(01:49):
your father in law. That is never easy. And I
can say from walking through cancer with both of my parents,
there are so many days where y'all are all going
to just need to have the day that you need
to have. And hopefully that's saying will come in handy
more and more. I wish I had had it during
my mom's journey. You know, her motto and movement during
(02:10):
her time was joy. The joy of the Lord is
my strength is where she got that, and then it
turned into pimp and joy an entire movement, and it
was great to have that. However, not every day was
just full of joy. She tried to do her best
to spread joy at the hospital, you know, talking to strangers,
complimenting them, because they're all when you're at a cancer
(02:31):
hospital she does at Indy Anderson, everybody's going through stuff.
So she just always tried to smile at people and
be that joy. It wasn't so much as her just
choosing joy for herself all the time, because that's really
difficult to do. Is about spreading joy to others in
a difficult time, which then in turn brought my mom joy.
To compliment someone or smile at someone, and then that
gives them a reason to smile.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, but then you had days two where you.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
Were like, oh yeah, it was terrible, Yeah, terrible, and
we had permission to feel those feelings. My mom was
good about feeling at all. I think she put on
more of a front than she needed to. I wish
she was still here with the growth that I've had,
so I could look at her and be like, Mom,
you don't have to do this, like let it all out.
This totally sucks. Hers would more, I think we would
(03:16):
have the days we need to have, but I think
those days would come out of more of when it
was like we'd reach the limit and there was no
more that you couldn't you couldn't ignore those big feelings
that were coming up. And so I wish before it
sort of exploded, we had had more days where it
was like, hey, do we just need to have the
(03:36):
day we need to have instead of pushing this off
till Friday when we explode, You'll need that And hopefully
that's saying well can be a mantra for your family
during this time. I will say that I was just
at this therapy intensive type thing and the leader of
it had cancer and something she said she had cancer,
(03:58):
so she's in remission. Since this is fresh on my brain,
I'm just going to say this, and Kat and I
know you and I were talking about earlier, like feeling tired.
We talk a lot about feelings around the podcast because
this is feeling things. We try not to become the
feeling like instead of saying I'm anxious, it's I'm feeling anxious.
(04:19):
Now you, as a therapist, do you encourage this to
your clients.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
Yeah, yeah, to separate. Yeah, so you're not that thing.
There's more to you is There was there a lot
about that, the intensive.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
It was a lot of that, the intensive. But when
it came to her cancer specifically, she shared that she said,
I never referred to it as my cancer. It never
became my identity. She always had other words that separated
it from it becoming who she was. And she thinks
that was instrumental in her part of her journey. And
(04:50):
now I can't say that that's the case or not,
but I would be willing to try anything. What can't
hurt keep me, it can't hurt, right, you know. She
said she would talk to her body and like, thank
it for doing its thing, because the cancer when it's
multiplying and now this is me paraphrasing here, we're not
a medical podcast. By it means, I am telling you
all a story that she told me. Your body thinks
(05:13):
it's doing what it's supposed to be doing to help you.
It's actually not trying to harm you when it's multiplying
the cancer cells, right, it's oh, it thinks it's doing
what you need. And so she would talk to her
body and say thank you for trying to take care
of me and do what you think I need. I'm good,
I don't need your help. But she would speak to
her body in a kind way.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
So first it's like, why are you doing this? Yes?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, And I know that my mom's doctors would always
encourage her to think as positively as possible. I imagine
there's research around that. Again, because I don't have it
right in front of me, I don't want to say
it or offer any type of false hope. However, if
it doesn't hurt, like we're not asking you to go
out and like not seek treatment and just talk positively. No,
(05:59):
it was in conjunction with her chemo, her radiation, having
more positive thinking. And then in this therapist case that
I was just with, she would talk to her body
and thank it and release it from its duty and
say you are no longer needed, thank you for trying
that it's not working.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
You have the day off.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yeah, it's okay, We're good. And then she would never
ever ever take it on as her identity because it
was in her mind she wanted to keep that separation.
Similar to your feelings. I don't know how your father
in law will receive that, but even literature. I felt
like that was helpful during my mom's time, Like if
there was research about stuff like that, printing it out
(06:39):
and just being like, I have this, if you would
be interested, no pressure, but it could be healing for
your husband to look at it and help his mental
health during this time being his dad.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
I think that stuff never Yeah, you're not telling somebody
to not do something that they need to do. It's like,
this isn't going to hurt you. It might not make
the difference, but it also could in conjunction with like
when you need to have a day where you're like
just need to be upset and angry, you also can
do that too, but that's not the every day.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
The every day you like make a conscious effort to
think positively about it. I know that even with my
mood very different from cancer obviously, But when she was
talking about not taking on your feelings as your identity,
I was like, oh, man, I kind of known. I
know this. I've heard this before. But I think I
(07:31):
get into ruts sometimes where I definitely take it on
and I'm like, oh, I'm exhausted. It's like, no, right now,
I feel exhausted.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
I the other day or since. Actually we recorded the
episode on the drama Triangle which just came out when
we talked about being above and below the line. Since
I was talking that about that again, I feel like
I've been more aware of when I'm being above and
below the line. And I think I even said to
you the other day, like I need to be below
the line for a second, going to say this, But
then after I say that, I can bring myself back
(08:03):
above the line and be more say things that are
actually going to help me and motivate me towards change
versus staying stuck and where I am. Yeah, So that
language I think has helped me in the past week.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
I know there was something that you could have been
below the line with and maybe this is actually what
you're referring to too, But because we were doing a
text exchange about something, you were like, I'm above the line.
Is about your trip to New York. Oh yeah, and
how you don't know if it's going to get canceled
or not, and now it's not, but you stayed it.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Would have been well, I was below the line for
a second and then I brought myself.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Right shart yourself up, and then you're like, look, what's
about the line? You're getting to enjoy it and looking
at that like and that felt really good. The glass
half full instead of half empty. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, Okay,
So have the day you need to have.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Ooh.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
This email also made me think of something you've said
to me the other day over text when I was
flying home from that therapy thing. This email also made
(09:10):
me think of something you've said to me the other
day or text. When I was flying home from that
therapy thing, I had a lot of emotions and feelings happening,
and at the airport I bought a bag of Eminem's
peanut butter. I love peanut Eminem's.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
But I don't like the peanut butter ones. But that's okay,
you can. I want you to like them. Yeah, I
thought you said peanut Eminems. I think I said peanut,
but you probably did. But peanut is my go to.
Either they didn't have them or I was just craving
something different. I don't know, but I get the peanut
butter Eminem's. It's a sharable bag, and sometimes a sharable
(09:51):
bag like that could last me weeks. Like the bag
that you open, it.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Just says shaable, terrible and cheerable on the bag. It's
not a single serving bag and it's not a fun size.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That's gonna say.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
So it's the bag tears. It literally says shareable on
the bag, which means there's lots in there. But I'm
not talking like a massive bag that ziplock.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
I mean, I think that's a family bag.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I thought when I responded to you, just keep in
mind that's what I thought you were eating. And I
was like, go a kid it.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
No, it was a terrible but shareable no, no ziplock
bag seal up. Okay, So it is intended to be
shared though, Okay, And you know I also got me
anti ens which, let me tell y'all, Terminal C at
the Denver Airport Antie Annes slaps.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
We were just talking about that. Yes, we talked.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
About how at the mall Anians isn't quite hitting like
it used to. It's such a disappointment anytime I've tried
to go down that memory lane. Well again, I have
a lot of feelings and emotions. I'm in a airport,
I'm traveling for hours. I'm having the day I need
to have, so I have my m and m's that's sweet.
So I need something salty. So they had Annieans right
(11:13):
there by my gate. Again, I will say it again
because it's winter, maybe a lot of you're retraveling to
cold places. You go through Denver Terminal. See, this is
part of like a convenience store bookstore situation, just like
it's not an Antians all by itself. It's like part
of the good Bye Other Snacks. No, it's right dare
You'll see it.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
It's the best Anians pretzel I've ever had ever ever. Well, no,
because I know the difference, like I know the crappy
ones I've had at the mall in the last few
years where I'm trying to get it back to childhood.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
You know how awesome it was. No, I swear to you.
I don't know what they did different there. I don't
know what was going on, but it was perfection. Not
too much salt, just write them out, not too much better,
but write them out. The dough. Everything was perfect, every
single bite. I was trust me, I was judging every
(12:11):
bite because we had just talked about it on the podcast.
Keep in mind, I had the pretzel and then I
had the shareable peanut butter eminems and I texted Kat
and I was like, I just finished off this entire
bag of eminem's. I said, I didn't even look at
the servings, so I have no idea, and I threw
the bag away. I didn't care. I wasn't looking at
the servings. I mean that was my dinner. Well they
(12:32):
had the spot though, and Kat just replied it had
the servings that you needed to have, and I was like,
that is such a good answer. I loved that answer.
You are like, oh, are you okay or are you sad?
Or like, oh what's going on? Or or oh I
can't Oh I saw those have four servings, Like I
(12:53):
don't know.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Keep in mind, I thought you were eating. I was
a little shocked because like that is a lot in there,
but like you needed to have them, Okay, it's not
like you do that every day.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Well I just loved that answer because you were just
like it had the amount of servings you needed, and
that helped me. I was like, you know what it did.
And then I was like, body, do your thing and
then you can move on. And then I talked to
my body. I'm like, you know what to.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Do with that energy? I just gave you.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Now I'm gonna go sit on sit on the flight
and watch a movie. Yeah, you know exactly what to do.
Put me to sleep, help me feel good, comfort me.
So I loved that answer. So it's half the day
you need to have and yeah, I have the servings
you need to have, but be mindful.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
When you need to be when you need to be.
I would say that's like a time where like, because
food can be used for comfort, we don't want it
to always be the thing we go to. But you
were in an airport alone by yourself. That's what your
body knew to do, is to turn towards like a
nostalgic food and to help you kind of associate for
a second and then you can bring yourself back into it.
We don't want you to do that every single day,
(13:59):
but when there aren't a lot of other options, sometimes
that's what we do.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, okay, next to you,
mel Dear Amy and Kat, I was hoping to get
your advice on this situation. My boyfriend and I will
be getting married, but the living situation has been weighing
on me. We both own our own homes and we
each have kids. His house is large, enough to comfortably
fit all of us, and honestly, he has a lovely home. However,
will it ever feel like my home too? If I
(14:25):
move into his house, do I make it feel like
it is ours? Will it always feel like his? Do
I ask to be added to the deed? Financially? How
does that look? We could always sell both and look
for a new one together, but interest rates right now
are not ideal. I am not sure what I feel
or how to approach this any thoughts. I appreciate all
that you do. Hope you both have the day you
(14:45):
need to have all the best, Okay, Anonymous? So I
will say this delicately as I might be in somewhat
of a similar situation, and you know, we have our
kids think about, and my boyfriend has his kids, and yes,
us moving into their house would make the most sense,
(15:07):
I say delicately, And it's sensitive because my boyfriend's wife,
their mom, passed away, so it was the house they
all shared together. In fact, she passed away in the
primary bedroom, which would be my bedroom. That has felt
like a lot for me to process. Still working through it.
(15:28):
And I'm not saying we're not engaged, we're not getting married,
but these are conversations that we're having, y'all seem like
this is definitely a marriage is happening. Y'all need to
make a decision. Let's just go through the questions. Will
it ever feel like my home too? Yes, eventually, I
think because I've contemplated that exact thing, I do think
it will take time and your attitude.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Well, yeah, And I was going to say, what do
you need to make it feel like you're home? Because
it's one thing if you just move in there and
you have to like figure out where your stuff fits.
But are having conversations about like bringing your style in
or maybe there's like pieces of furniture that you love
in your home that you'd like to like make work there.
I think there's ways to like shift things and add
(16:11):
your touch versus you just move into that house as is.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, I've had thoughts as detailed as going into their kitchen,
like would my kids feel like they can go to
the fridge and get whatever they want out? And same
thing for me, Like, well I ever feel like if
I'm in the kitchen, I have just as much right
to open the fridge and do whatever and go to
(16:35):
the cabinet. And I think that answers, Yes, it's just
going to take time to get comfortable. Now. My solution
with that, which I've shared with my boyfriend is and
this may not be the option for everybody, and I'm
not even saying it's our option, but this is in
my mind. I'm like, well, then we just got the kitchen,
we got it start over, which you could new fridge,
and in his house, it actually it is time for
(16:57):
that sort of a situation. So so that does he
think that, yes, okay, he loves how it looks. No,
he agrees that it's time for a freshmen up Like
his house was originally built in nineteen thirty eight, which
that's not the kitchen we're operating with. Obviously there's been
upgrades since then. But you know, I think even the
last time he upgraded it, they were at a different
(17:18):
place even financially to where they kind of did things
on He's like, oh, we didn't do this maybe the
way we would have done it because we weren't where
we wanted to be financial Like I get that, Like
there's upgrades you make sometimes like where's your budget, Like
this is what you're going to do. So I think
there's things he would like to do differently now that
he's at a different phase of life of like, oh, yeah,
we definitely we did that on the cheap, which that
(17:38):
makes sense. Yeah, so I don't know where y'all are
or where it is with his house, but that's an
option of like, are there certain appliances that might need
to change just because it's time, And then it's like, oh,
we get to go pick this out together, and then
it feels more like yours. And even in his kitchen,
I say, gut it. It doesn't have to be a full remodel,
like we were even just looking at his island, because
(18:00):
he'd be going from three kids to plus two to mine.
Now we've got five kids. We need to change the
seating situation. So one of the changes we might make
is change the island in the middle. It's really wide
right now. Instead of having a kind of a square
wide one, we make it a long, narrow one. And
that's like a switch up that just kind of feels
different and then feels like you've got some say in
(18:21):
it and it's creating space for you to be there.
Or again, it doesn't have to be a whole remodel,
but could the fridge change or the kid, the faucet.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
I was gonna say that little things, the knob.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
The knobs on the cabinets, Like there's things you could
do paint, can you paint the cabinets or little things
at a time, Like I was looking at their the
half bath, which is the guest bath that everybody uses,
and that could definitely use some sprucing up. And that's
probably the tiniest space in the house. And for me,
I'm like, oh, what if I got to start here
(18:53):
and we just started with this tiny half bath and
I get to put some of my esthetic to it,
and then every time I go to the half bath,
I'll be like, oh, my little space and then still
like home in here. Slowly you can start to influence
other parts that will help you feel like it's y'all's place,
not just yours, not just his. But these are things
(19:14):
when you're I totally feel you like you're moving into
somebody else's space and it's been there and his kids,
it's been their space. And I don't know if his
ex lived there or what that situation is, but that's
my mind's a little more sensitive because she's not an
ex like she passed away. So if I move into
his house. How do I make it feel like ours? Well,
I think some of those are tips for that. Will
(19:34):
it always feel like his? No, I don't think so.
Do I ask to be added to the deed?
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Financially, how does that look? Well, that's gonna be between
you and him. But I highly highly advise y'all to
get with a financial advisor. For however, you own your
own home now, so does that mean are you going
to rent that out? Are you going to sell it?
And then do you take a chunk of that and
put it into investments into his house? Or do do
you get to invest that money yourself? And then he's
(20:02):
just going to be like, oh yeah, I'll add you
to the deed. I don't know. Or do you want
it to be more fair or equal? What if there
are some home improvements, maybe you pay for certain things,
but all of that is written in detail. I would
not be blase about any of this because this could
be one of those things get really tricky, and of
course we all want to hope for the best. But
(20:24):
in this case, y'all have both been in prior relationships
in I don't know how messy or clean the ending
of those were but I don't think you can ever
be too safe. It doesn't mean you don't love each other,
but I absolutely think if you're moving in there, you
need to be a part of that house in some way,
shape or form, especially if something were to happen.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Yeah, because if you're I think this is part of
what you're saying. If you're paying to upgrade and update
some of these things in the house, you're investing in
the house. Therefore, that's where, like talking to a financial
advisor is something of how do we really go about
this to make it make sense to be fair for
both of us, Because if you're just like spending making
up this amount of money, but if you like spend
one hundred thousand dollars on renovations, but that's your money
(21:07):
from selling your house and you've paid and put that
into the house, like you should have some steak in
that house.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Yeah, you know, have equity in that house. And then
also what is his mortgage? Does he still have one?
Are you going to be contributing monthly to it? Do
you contribute towards the bills? Like now your kids are
combined with his kids, Like how are y'all handling? Like
there's there's groceries, there's a lot of finances. Now, some
people choose to merge and they keep they merge their lives,
so they keep finances separate. Y'all might do that. I
(21:35):
don't want to be that way, and my boyfriend doesn't
want to be that way. But there are absolulutely conversations
that we need to have further. And honestly, when we
talk about maybe what our next moves are, and we
do talk about it, we kind of always say, Okay,
well we'll talk about that later, and eventually they's gonna
come later. It's got to be later, and we're just
gonna have to sit down and we're gonna have to
sit down together. We may have to sit down with
(21:56):
a financial person, and that's and maybe don't. It doesn't
have to be a financial advisor. But is there somebody
that you trust that can be that third party that
it has no emotional investment in anything that y'all are
saying or doing and they can just look at the
numbers and come up with something that is fair to
everyone involved.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
I don't know if this was before or after we
got married. I think it was before we each owned
our own houses and Patrick sold his house and then
moved into mine, and so we met with a financial
advisor about like, what do we do with the money
from that we have from his sell of his house
because he was going to gain my house when we
got married, so it was like that money also was ours.
(22:51):
So we met with somebody about that because I honestly
was like, I don't know what we're supposed to do?
Is that yours? But then I was like, wait, no,
but then my house is your house, so like I
should get part of your house?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Like absolutely, So it's confusing, and I think money is scary,
especially for women, which we've talked about a lot. So
having somebody that doesn't have any like bias towards one
or the other and can just objectively talk and explain
how this works is I think very helpful. Who's looking
out for both people and the common good versus like
(23:22):
just looking out for you or just looking out for
your husband.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah, and if y'all haven't had these types of conversations,
definitely don't be like, well, my friends Amy and Kat
said no, but just you know, go to him and say, hey,
I've been thinking about this and these are some questions
I have I think these are fair questions to take
to him. I would even bring up the will this
ever feel like my own? Or what are we going
(23:46):
to do to help this feel like it's ours, because
I got to say, he's not having to experience that,
And you could even present that to him if this
were flipped, what would you need? Now? Women are different
in our feelings, so he could definitely reply with I
don't think i'd need anything. I think i'd feel fine. Okay,
(24:07):
well that's not the case for me. So maybe that
little Switcheruski example didn't work, and you just share that, like,
these are your your feelings around it, So before let's
come with an action plan, I.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Think along what you're saying, you can ask what feels
important about this move for us, because these are things
that feel important to her, So asking him to like,
I have some things that feel really important that I
want to talk about what feels important to you, and
so if we can address them of those, then also
he can address them of her things, because yeah, you
guys both might not align on what feels important, but
(24:43):
we can both understand that that's important for the other
person and take it seriously and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Yeah, and then just allow yourself that adjustment period. I
imagine it's probably different for everybody, but I do think
there will come a time where you're like, oh, you know,
you're like sitting in live where you're in the kitchen
and y'all are making memories and having fun, and maybe
a couple of years have passed you're like, oh wow,
I can't believe. I was thinking that maybe this wasn't possible.
(25:10):
You are not alone and feeling that though, like I
have looked at Zillow multiple times, like thinking, okay, us
just moving somewhere else, starting somewhere fresh is the go
to solution here, because then everybody's on the same playing field.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I have to admit something. It's not that bad.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Oh okay.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
When Patrick moved into my house, I kept calling at
my house. I'd say, they can come to my house,
or let's go to my house, or I was Patrick
had to correct me. He said, it's multiple times, like
it's our house, they can come to our house. So
that was something that he had to bring to me,
because I don't think I was doing that maliciously. I
think I was just used to stay in my house,
(25:55):
and so that can even be something that you ask
for It's like, in this tradit tradition transition, we have
to change our language and start saying like, this is
our house, not just because it's gonna be a change
of how he speaks, because right now that's his house
and you have your house.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Yeah, that's a good point.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
You thought I was gonna say something really crazy.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
I was like, okay, all right, do we need to
turn the mics down? What are you about to confess?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
No, that's a good I was guilty of that, and
I'm just saying that because I didn't do that maliciously,
but I did need him to ask me to change.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Now that's a good thing to have in the forefront
of anybody that might be going through this. They can
start working on that now. And I can go ahead
and tell my boyfriend, can you just start saying our house?
Speaker 1 (26:43):
So then you're like, I have two houses. Your house
is our house and then my house is my house.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
That's what When Ben and I first got married, he
was in the Air Force and lived in Cambridge, England,
and he had a flat there and it's his fun
I was like, so we have a house across the pond,
and right after we got married, we went to England.
We didn't do our honeymoon for six months after. We
(27:09):
went to Ziwatanejo for our honeymoon. That's in Mexico. Okay,
you know, have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption?
Speaker 1 (27:16):
No, Patrick really wants me to watch that, but it's old.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Well there's a beach scene at the end, and that's Zwashinah.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Cool fun fact cool. So that's where we went. And
that was six months after our wedding. Immediately after our wedding,
like the next day after we got married, we flew
to England so that I could go to the base
there and do all of my intake paperwork as a
military spouse. And we had to create a will for
him and do all this stuff because he was about
(27:45):
to go to Afghanistan.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
So I went.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
I ended up going to my house across the pond
and he had roommates military friends.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
And did he own that or are they station you
and they gave you that way?
Speaker 2 (28:00):
He rented. He didn't live on base. He lived the
base was I don't even know if it was near Cambridge.
It was Milden Hall, which is an Air Force base,
and he lived in Cambridge. Did you used to watch
and they I guess they just rented it Army wives.
I dabbled. I dabbled. I never got fully into it.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Mine.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Then, what were you going to say, I don't know
what my life. Well, I never lived on base. I'm
pretty sure they lived on post or base.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or Yeah, that was a good show back then.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
I definitely dabbled. It's been a minute since I thought
of it.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
But well, that's romantic. The day after your wedding you
went and made a will for your new husband.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
That's going to war.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Yeah, yeah, I know. I was like, Okay, so did
you go to England?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Often? No, because we knew during our engagement that his
next deploit station assignment was going to be North Carolina.
So in the military wasn't going to pay to move
me to England if they knew they were going to
turn around and pay to move us to North Carolin
six months later. And he was going to be in
Afghanistan for most of that time. So he only had
(29:05):
six or seven more months in England after we got married.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How long did he live in England?
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Over five years?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
So you and you dated he was living in England.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
Uh huh. Yeah, But remember we only went out for
six months. I know that.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Yeah, you went out and were engaged.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Yeah, Like he only flew in town because our family
friend was getting married in the summer, like it was June.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
I guess, wait a second, how many times did you see.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Him before you? He did have some flight training school
in Albuquerque that he went to he flew in for
and I went and flew to Albuquerque and hung out
with him for the weekend. He said, that's the weekend
that he knew he wanted to marry me.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
So you hung out with him like three times and
then you got that's crazy. Didn't you tell me why
it didn't work?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
But I'm just kidding. We were married seventeen years.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I was going to say my parents it was a
different time, I guess. But they were long distanced their
whole They dated and were married within a year, so
yours was six months. They dated and married within a year,
but they never ever lived together. They were long distance,
and they wrote letters to each other, like it wasn't
even phone calls, because there was I mean there were phones,
but they would call like on the phone once a week.
(30:16):
I feel like, so.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Wrote emails, okay, so cute and and during one of that,
like he had to go to something in Alabama, some
training thing where he had no contact for I don't know,
over a week and I was like what they do,
like stick you in a box and.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
They're like, yes, wait, so you this is so interesting
to me. I wish I knew you back then because
I have so many questions. But you physically spent like
time with your husband maybe four I'm just thrown out numbers.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Yeah, but keep in mind I had known him since nine.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
But you weren't romantically involved, correct, So it's a little different.
It's very different, you crazy girl.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I know. Imagine that's why everyone freaked out at work
when I come back to work and I'm like, I'm
engaged because they froze out.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Were they happy for.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Me in October? No? I think they were like who
is this guy? Like what the heck because they didn't
know I had just started on the radio show, like
I'd only worked on the show for a couple of months,
and then I was engaged. And when I started the show,
I didn't have a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Okay, I gotta tell you. And you were young too, Yeah, okay,
I have to tell you. If I was your friend,
back then. I don't know what I would do, but
I think I would have pause, which I don't want
to say because like you want to just be excited,
but I think i'd be like wait already.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
So the reason why my family or anybody didn't have
pauses because they all know him and he was best
friends is best friends with my sister's husband since they
were like four, and so it was like, imagine the
excitement around how cut that is? Like, oh, two sisters
married to bed.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
It's like a dream.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Christy married Ben and Amy's gonna marry the other bin.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
That is a dream. Yeah, but I guess can I
ask one more question about this? Okay, I don't want
to overstep. So when you were getting engaged one, oh,
I have two questions? Sorry I lied. Did you know
you were getting engaged before he proposed? No? Oh so you,
Oh my gosh, you had like a real I think
it never happens anymore. Okay, So he really asked you,
(32:14):
and you really had to think about it when he
asked you.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I did not know he was proposing to me that night,
and he had all of our family and friends like
at the bar across the street. They weren't there he
proposed in private, what if you said no, Well, then
I guess he would have told I didn't know everybody
was there, so I guess he would have told them.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Like, and you had never talked about I mean, we.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Had maybe discussed it, but I didn't know what.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Was happening because I was going to say was there.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
He was about to have to go back to English,
so he's like, I'm better do it now.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
That was my question, is like, did he said he
was going to afghanistaner's or moving stations or whatever was
the engagement at that time, because he was going to
be gone for like a really long time, and it
was like now or whatever.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
He just had made up his mind. And when he
makes up his mind on something, he knows, he's very sure.
It's just always how he's operated. He's very black and white. Yeah, yeah,
I means now he's more in the gray. Yeah, And
he's more in the gray now, which is great for
our relationship. He's very wired to be black and white.
So it's like, I'm going to marry this girl. So
(33:17):
I'm also about to go back to England and I
don't know when I'll be able to do again. So
now that I know, then I just need to ask
her and so I'm going to propose. And then we
didn't plan on getting married that quickly. It's snowballed. We
were going to have a year engagement, but the year
turned into May, which then my sister was like, I'm
pregnant and I'm doing May, and so then we're like,
(33:39):
well when, oh my gosh, we're just looking at the
calendar of when we could get married. And then my
sister said, what about New Year's Eve? And I was like,
that is in eight weeks and she's like, I can help,
and so that's great. She did and we did, and
we did.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Did he have a ring when he proposed?
Speaker 2 (33:59):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Yes, did you just like go to a store and
pick one up? How did he do?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
He had his sister help him get the diamond, and
I don't know, well, he was like, you can have
we can set it, however, because I didn't know what
I wanted. But so we went and picked out the
setting and then the wedding bands and stuff. Okay, but
his sister is older than him, and he had savings
for a ring already. He had been saving since he
was young, Like a lot of guys.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Do that they just like, no, one day they're gonna
have to have that. So this is really interesting, cool cool.
I have thoughts on that just because personally me, I mean,
I got engaged after like about a year, but I
loved the phase of being engaged. I love the phase
of being boyfriend and girlfriend. So I like to like prolonged,
you know how I like to look forward to things, right,
(34:46):
So I think I would have been like, I'll have
a year and a half engagement because I like want
to look forward to this. Yeah, but interesting, I don't really.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
It's interesting. I don't really think I'm savoring the stages.
I know you're bringing up a very good point. I
need to go on a date.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Yeah, yeah? Are you do you feel like you've been
like into serious mode?
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yeah, Like we get very busy because the kids and
life and like work and things. We're not dating right now.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
You guys need to plind a cute fun date. I
know I have an idea, what is it? Well, this
is like my vibe, So I don't know if you
would like it. You could go on vacation downtown Franklin.
The Franklin Theater plays Christmas movies all through December.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
Oh, I would do that. That would be fun.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Go to dinner and downtown Franklin, then go to a
movie at the Old Theater. That's a really cute Christmas
y small town life date.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
It's a good idea. People could look that up in
their towns, like there's always a small town near your town,
Like even if you live in a big city, look
at the quaint little towns around you and go on
your vacation. But it's technically yes, vacation and you sing
that song while you're doing it. We're on vaca a piece.
I live right down the road, but it's a stacation vacation.
(36:11):
Good idea, Kat, Thanks, I like it all right.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Well, I think that we've unlocked something for you, and
I've learned a lot about you.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Yeah, and good luck to both of our listeners. Totally
different situations, but both a lot to think about, a
lot to consider. And thanks for sharing your lives with us. Yeah,
we love that. If y'all want to send an email,
you can Hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
You can also call and leave us a voicemail eight
(36:38):
seven seven two oh seven two oh seven seven. And
my dog just burped. I don't know if y'all heard that.
I'm not sure if it came through, but just in
case it did, it wasn't you, It was not me.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
It was Kara.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
And you know, Car's just having the day she needs
sat she sure, yeah, and kat love you, love you too,
and those of you that are listening, have the day
you need to have.
Speaker 1 (37:04):
Bye bye mhm
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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