Dating your spouse. Exercise Addiction. Surviving Grief. Stop Complaining.

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Okay, little food for you. So life. Oh it's pretty Bay,
it's pretty beautiful than that a little mouth you're kicking four. Okay,

(00:32):
Happy Thursday. I'm excited that it's Thursday. Mary comes in
town this weekend. I'm so excited. Which heads up. I
think we're gonna do a Friday night live on the
shop a Spa Instagram. If you're not falling along, if
you don't have plans this Friday night, Mary and I
are gonna be together. So we often try to do
lives sometimes even when she's in California and I'm in Nashville,
and we sync up and then we talked to you

(00:53):
all for about an hour on Friday night. It's at
eight pm Central typically, but well we'll post some stuff.
If you're not following shop Aspoa, well you should. It's
at shop ae Spua on Instagram. I run that account,
and then Mary's the one that runs the shop board.
Sometimes there's some confusion like who runs what, But that's
her baby. That's so she's on there a lot. And
then I handle shops SPOA and my husband is my

(01:16):
first guest. Today we finally got together and recorded that
segment on dating like because we've been married for twelve
years and we just don't date anymore, and how important
that is. So we both did like our separate research
and then came to the table without talking to each other,
and then we throughout what we were going to do
to start dating more in our marriage. And you know,

(01:37):
listen to the first thing for sure, listen to it
even if you're not married or in a relationship. Hopefully
it'll still be an interesting little listen for you. And
we tried to incorporate some of the things on how
you could apply it to friendships in your life or
other relationships that matter that are important to you even
if you're not married per se. So I'm super thankful
that he was able to come on to me the

(01:57):
first thing, because he's he's definite only hot item for
the podcast. We always get emails. I love when your
husband's on. So glad we finally got that done for
you all, because I know we've been teasing it for
a couple of weeks and we finally recorded it. And
then speaking of like Instagram and shoppice squaw and me
running that account, my husband started running an Instagram account
for his drone company, which I think is comical because

(02:20):
he's always been not He's never He's always been like
and not antisocial media, but never on it ever, doesn't
have his own account, doesn't have Facebook, never post anything.
He's on LinkedIn, so he'll talk about how he gets
LinkedIn support. I don't even endorsements, I guess is what's
passed out on LinkedIn. But I think I should have

(02:43):
talked about this when he was on and we were recording,
because I don't really know that I even have his
permission to do this. But I feel bad because I
went to his stuff, his tough Stump account, the one
that he's now running, and he has fifteen followers, and
three of the fifteen Army Mary and then shot BESPLA.
So technically two of those are me and I don't

(03:04):
know who the other twelve people are. Maybe there are
people at his office or friends of the business or
the other employees. I don't know, but he does have
fifteen followers. He only has one post, which we need
to work on that. I think I maybe mentioned that,
but um, he's going to try to build it and
I'm gonna help him with that. So I think this
is my first step in helping him would be to

(03:26):
have y'all stop what you're doing and go follow him
or follow the work account and it's at tough Stump
like t O U g H S t U m P.
And let's see if we can get him some followers.
And I won't even tell him that I'm putting this
in here. I guess I wish I would have talked
about him to make sure that it's okay, but I'm
sure it's gonna be fine, So just do it. And

(03:48):
then he his phone is probably gonna be blowing up
because he's gonna be getting all these followers and he's
not gonna know what that happened. And it'll be because
y'all are so amazing and awesome, and just maybe it's
a thank you for him coming onto the podcast to
speak to us. This is what we'll do in return
is follow his drone company's Instagram at tough Stumps. So

(04:11):
shout out to him for that, Shout out to him
for coming on being the first thing. And the second
thing is uh, speaking of Instagram at the Well Necessity,
my friend Lisa at the Well Necessities excuse me, She's
come on the podcast up several times to talk about
different things. Regarding health and wellness and food, and she's

(04:31):
she's awesome, And we're kind of doing a follow up
to an episode she was on a couple of weeks ago.
Um follow up to like why we exercise and like
this approach to life on how it should be more
for like fun and wanting to move your body and
knowing that it's good for you and not obsessing about it,
like and if you are in a place where you're
like thinking, like why am I exercising and how there's

(04:52):
a variety of things you can be doing out there
for your body to where you don't have this you
can kind of get rid of maybe if you're stuck
in this diet approach to life. Lisa is really good
at pulling you out of that, and that's what she
does with her fork the Noise movement, which I love.
So if you're not following her on Instagram, definitely give
her a follow as well. And then third thing is

(05:13):
going to be Ashley Lemieux, which you did my Q
and a episode with me a couple of weeks ago,
and she is awesome. She has a book coming out
well this week, it's already out and you can buy it.
It's on my Amazon page if you're interested. After you
listen to her and you're like okay, wow, Like gosh,
she's been through a lot. That's some hard stuff, but

(05:34):
she's still out there wanting to encourage and let everybody
know that they're born to shine. So she's the third thing.
And then Laslie, I'm ending fourth thing with um a
little nugget from the Thought Catalog, which I told you
was something I'm gonna be sprinkling and from time to time.
And this one's just real quick, especially since I had
three interview type things. Just did a real quick thing

(05:58):
about how we need to stop complain, stop wasting your
time complaining. And this little piece of wisdom is for
me too, because sometimes I feel like we can all
get in a rut where maybe we're just complaining a
little bit more than we would like to. And this
is a story that we can go to when we
need to think of Like, Okay, nobody wants to hear

(06:18):
me like being a broken record about this, so I
need to shut up. Okay, all right, let's get started
here we go. Okay, So as promised, I've got been
my husband here and we're going to do our little
date night talk, which we've been talking about for several
weeks now, right, and we're going to try to make

(06:38):
this a thing. And we both separately did some research
and then we have not talked about it purposefully. And
then we're both bringing ideas to the table on how
to date your spouse basically because and maybe some of
you listening aren't married, but you could still apply this

(06:59):
to any relationship. I mean not any, but I mean
maybe girlfriends, Like how to get more time with just
anybody that's important to you in your life, right, I
mean you may have to alter it slightly, like you know,
the b sexy part, like you don't need to do
that with your girlfriends. But um, yeah, so I'm kind
of excited to see what you have, Like I have

(07:20):
no idea. So here's where why this came up. We
our life is a little hectic and crazy. We have
two kids. My dad just moved here a few weeks ago.
He's had some stuff going on. I feel like both
our jobs pull us different directions. So between work, kids
and a father in law now here or my dad

(07:40):
you're dad in law to care for a little bit,
is is a lot. Well, And I would say even
just since we got the kids in December, it will
have been two years, and we just don't we're not
intentional about dating. And daniel Walker, she was on my
podcast last week for all four things. She she said

(08:03):
that her and her husband they have date night every week.
Well they don't miss it. And she's very busy, so
is he. Like she's has three cookbooks that are New
York Times bestsellers. Like, well, was it back in May?
It May that we went to Southern Pines. Yeah, we
stayed in Yeah, yeah, my dad was coming out here
and they were going to watch the kids for us.
My Dad's like, well, when's the last time you guys

(08:24):
took some time for yourself and I it was like
started counting on my fingers. I was like, wait a
second week since we had gotten kids. But now that
was about eighteen months in. We hadn't taken any time
just for me and you since the kids had arrived.
Not really no, so yeah, we did get to do
that back in May. Your parents were nice and they
were here, and now the kids are a little bit older.
At first it was sometimes like a sitter issue. But

(08:47):
now if we wanted to pop out, Like Danielle said,
her and her husband. It's not like anything crazy every week,
but they're intentional about going on some sort of a
little alone time date night once a week. And I
feel like stuffier is twelve now. If we wanted to
pop about, it's not like we have to have a
babysitter here. Um so. And then she also mentioned which
I loved this, if you're a parent, they're both very

(09:09):
intentional about dating their children, like taking their kids out
one on one to have that time and that connection
already talked to us here, I think we're gonna go
out Friday night. Oh you are, oh this Friday night?
Planning on it? Oh you know Mary's coming? Okay, well
she can come to I guess. But I was just
gonna take her out for dinner for a little bit.
It's not like a whole thing. Well, y'all can do that,

(09:29):
and Mary and I'll take Stevenson out. Does she say shoot?
Would shoot? She's cool with that. Oh, we'll look at you.
Did we get dressed up? I was explaining to her
while she was stuffing down a pizza on Sunday? Did
she tell you she showed me some dresses she really
wants to wear, Like she really wants to get dressed up.
I told her I would get dressed up and she
would get dressed up and we would do like an

(09:51):
official thing. Um, but I didn't really get into the dresses. Okay, cool,
all right, well let's get into how we're going to
what ideas are we bringing to the table. It's going
to help us date each other and then hopefully other
people can benefit from hearing this too. What do you got? Mmmm? Well,
so what I was thinking was a little bit more

(10:12):
just kind of setting the schedule in advance, because we
never really plan in advance for dating, so we like
we're always all of a sudden, it's last minute, and
it's Friday, and we're tired, and like, oh we have
some time we should go and what do we want
to do? Uh, you know, let's just watch some Netflix
and some popcorn would just relax and not saying okay,
hey this week or next week, this is the day.

(10:34):
This is a time, so that we both plan around it,
and then on Friday when it comes, it's not like,
oh do I have to really do my hair? Do
I really have to take a shower? Like you plan
for your first thing is scheduling Like that's not that's
why I said, oh gosh, I mean it is a
great idea and we should have it on the schedule. Uh,
but yeah, that's just not My personality isn't calendar driven,

(10:56):
and yours this calendar driven. Like, but here's the thing.
If we do that and we're like, okay, it's on
the calendar for seven o'clock on Thursday night, it's not
going to feel relaxing and fun to me if you're
pressuring me to be like right out the door at
seven o'clock or whatever. Okay, well, let's have a window
of time. Like I get if we have an event
to go to we have something or if it's but

(11:17):
if it we're making this more of a weekly thing,
I can't always have that pressure of it being scheduled.
I think we were doing a really good job if
we made it like a monthly thing. Let's just baby
step into this, Okay. Sorry, if you're jump into the
pros like varsity level, like we're gonna go out once
a week now, let's if we could do it once
a month, we'll be doing a lot better. Okay, So

(11:40):
on the schedule, Yeah, would it be too much to
expect you plus your minus like fifteen to thirty minutes
on a monthly schedule. I can give I can be
ready on time on the monthly schedule. Okay, what else
you got? Um? One of the things that talks about UM,
and this is from the Dating Divas dot com, UM
is a p d A says to go back and

(12:01):
increase your p d A. I was like, I get
where they're coming from, but I don't think we did
when we were dating. Well, neither one of us are
big p d A. But maybe they just mean I
don't know who the Dating Divas are, but maybe they
just mean the website ten ways to keep the romance
alive after kids. Maybe they just mean hold hands, like

(12:23):
even that can be p d A doesn't mean to
be all over each other. And I think we used
to hold hands more we did. Yeah, we were better
holding hands and like we don't now like the other
day we were walking into Target or I don't know
where we were going. Did we go to Target by
ourselves the other day? Oh yeah, my dad watched the kids,
so we ran to Target quick date and yeah, in

(12:46):
the walking in the parking lot, I was like, huh,
I kind of thought maybe you would grab my hand.
I never brought it up because it's not a big deal.
But I just thought in the past we probably would
have held hands, but you didn't grab my hand, but
I didn't grab yours, so we just, yeah, we've kind
of not But I did have that thought walking through
the parking lot of Target, like should we be all
the hands right now? But that would be a form

(13:08):
of p d A. Yeah, I don't think they mean
like on the aisle four. Yeah, I'm just saying this
is what they're they say, increasing your PDA with just
kind of like even that thought process, like God, didn't
cross my mind. I was on the mode of, hey,
I think it was Saturday, so timing, I'm trying to
make sure we get all the things done at Target

(13:29):
in time to get back to watch the game because
it's Saturday, and everything right now is revolving around football,
Like everything in football is Thursday night, it's Saturday, it's Sunday,
and it's Monday. Well, this is their second point. It's
the rabbit drail. Okay, the second point is flirting. So
the same thing is kind of coming into this, like
just kind of throwing some sort of like flirty stuff
into you. So even putting that in my cross check

(13:51):
to where I'm thinking like I should be like this,
I should take advantage of those times when we're just
together by ourselves, or maybe with a funny text or
something that is kind of flirty in a way that
would kind of just get us thinking along those lines
of our happiness in our relationship and our whatever the
case may be. So I was one minute early to

(14:12):
record this from the deadline that we had set to
meet up here? Did I know was that flirting to you?
That was so hot? Was? Oh? Yeah? You were like?
So I was like, what why is he so happy?
And literally because you looked at the clock and I
walked up here a minute early because I look at
the clock like about a minute and thirty seconds earlier,

(14:32):
and I'm like, don't even don't even expect, try not to, yeah,
don't make a big deal of it. And then you
walked in right on time. All right? What else you got? Um? So? Really?
The next one from Wicky how is more about you
went all over the place dating Diva's Wicky How. Okay,
I tried LinkedIn, but there wasn't a lot of information there.

(14:53):
Don't worry. A lot of mine come from forever bride
dot Com. Um, this one just says just to make
time to get away together. And it's like, so set time,
like you know, once a year, twice a year to
get your romantic getaway where um it's just the two
of us and we can just you know, or your couple,
you can just go somewhere and not have any of

(15:14):
distractions and focus on each other, just talk, relax. But
there's no other Well we need to get home in
time for the babysitter or what do we got to
do tomorrow for George. You can just separate that time
and kind of focus. So that's my my number one
is make time no matter what. Yeah, because that's I mean,
you have time for things that you want to do.

(15:36):
You make the time, right, make you figure it out.
So that's what we need to do. Yeah, And that's
the expectation side. That goes back to what the Dating
Diva said the same thing, and like you need to
put it on the calendar so that everybody has the
expectation that on this day, even with the kids, they
will know, Hey, first Friday of the month, I'm just
making this up every first Friday month. Don't expect mom

(15:56):
and dad Like mom dad, are gonna win on a
day it's date night and that way or not, you know.
Steven said, no, well why can't I go with you guys?
Well no, that's they know that, that's our night. Yeah,
that makes sense. What else you got? I don't know.
That's really the main thing I have. But no, here's
the other side. So this was this comes from fortune
dot com um. So what I found really really depressing

(16:18):
it is this this statement here says, irony is that
even in the marital satisfaction of new parents, as the
marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihilhood of them
divorcing also declines. So having children may make you miserable,
but you'll be miserable together. And I was like, holy smokes,
Like that's the concept out there that like we're gonna

(16:39):
get married, have kids and we'll just be getting you know,
old and lazy and but be miserable together. Right. I'm like, man,
I think that like getting married and and having kids
like is the next step in like growing there's more
you can do, Like you should be like a platform
to to jump from to get better as a group,
as a family, as a couple together. So I don't know.

(17:00):
I just think if that's the predominant mindset out there,
then that's kind of something that we should shift, at
least in our marriage and going. I think we have
challenged each other to be better, um, you know professionally
health wise. You definitely challenged me, you know, health and
food wise, you know. So I think that we can
do that as a couple together and also romantically, we

(17:21):
can challenge each other no matter that. It's like, hey,
let's let's have a good relationship. No, that's that's really
good having that. Uh. But I don't think our mindset
is really there. But if a lot of people are,
then yeah, that is kind of depressing. We need to
shift that. But I mean we have we do live
in the miserable. Sometimes we just coast through it. We

(17:44):
just live and we're like okay, but I don't really
know that we know what the end game is or
that we're like yeah, yeah, I don't know. Now I'm
processing that and I'm like, shoot, I mean, do we
really want another ten years to go by? And we're
just like, well, I was cool raising the kids, but
we're still not happy. No, you get so far down

(18:05):
in the trenches you can't see where you want to go.
You're just down in the trench, just digging every day
to get the kids fed, to get them clean, to
get them to school on time, or whatever you've got
going on with work and travel and all those things
that come along. You know, we can just be drowning
and a lot of that and not know, just trying
to come up for air with all the different things.

(18:27):
But then not, you know, we just have to make
it a priority, which is you know what we're talking about.
And I love all those things that you found um
for me. Yeah, Like I mentioned, we've got to make
time no matter what. That's where we struggle is just
making the time. And then I don't know, I feel
like should we alternate who plans the date? Like say

(18:49):
we do one a month, like January it's you, in
February it's me. And it's like it doesn't have to
be anything crazy, and it doesn't have to be expensive.
That's another thing is up. It doesn't have to be
a nice dinner here and not like it can just
be we pop over and go have an hour together somewhere,
go grab you know, an appetizer or something, but we're away,

(19:12):
we're together we're communicating, we're intentional, and then yeah, when
we're there, like have good talks, like have meaningful, good conversation.
I feel like we do that sometimes we walk the dog.
But also that's the time where we just catch up
on like business like family, business like life like things
we need to check off the list, like do we
talk about this, but maybe more at the date, the

(19:34):
conversation is a little bit more personal, like deeper, so
that we connect. Yeah, right, you don't agree, Well, I agree,
I just I'm trying to figure out what that looks like. Awesome.
We've been really good at communication. I mean communication, it's

(19:56):
like the number one thing. Well, I mean sometimes that
we can misunderstand, you know, like if we're not fully communicating,
then you think the other person is you know, thinking
one way, when really it's just a lie you've made
up in your head. But then yeah, and the Fortune
um dot com articles they were talking about how you

(20:18):
know it transitions and couples in your discussions from like
when you're just you don't have kids too, you're just
talking about you know, politics, or you're talking about celebrity stuff,
you're talking about sports, whatever you guys are into. You're
just talking about the fun stuff that's going on in
the world, and then you you know, you have kids
and it becomes you know, is that diaper full? Or
do they have enough food? Or school? We can come

(20:41):
into school? Uh, something like that, and so you're not
connecting on like hey, you know, what did you think
about what happened on TV last night? Or just kind
of the no, you're right now with us. It's not
just kids stuff. It's like can you go visit dad today?
Or do I need to drive out there? Or what
does they have going on? Or um, this paperwork needs
to be filled out for him? And yeah, there's yeah,

(21:04):
there's a lot. Which I only bring that up because
other people that may not have kids yet, they may
have other things in their life that are consuming their
conversation that doesn't allow them the space for the right
kind of communication that will deepen the relationship or help
with the dating or just connect like to connecting the connecting,

(21:29):
like I know how she feels right now. Um. I
also saw tips on how we're pretty active together, but
sometimes we work out totally separately, Like we'll walk the
dog together, but you love to go to the gym
and I'll go to the y with you sometimes and
then you know, Stevenson likes to go to the y,
but most of the time I'm working out at home

(21:52):
and you're going to the y. And so sometimes I
think it would be cool for me if you're like, hey,
I'm just letting you know what I've thought, and then
you can tell me what you think, because I think
I asked you to work out with me a lot,
but you rarely are like, hey, get your stuff, come
to the y with me, like let's go, and to me,
I would really I think I would like that, So

(22:14):
being like that could be a date if if you
want it to be, and we like really spend that
workout time together, um, and then also making Aaron's dates,
sort of like we did when we left the kids
with Dad last weekend and we ran to Target even
though we were checking stuff off our list, Like there's
a Starbucks inside Target, and what if we took a

(22:37):
moment to just sit down, like Dad wasn't. I mean,
I guess we're kind of in a hurry because of
the football game, but say we weren't, then we could
take like go into Starbucks, get a drink, sit down
at the little bar area there, and get a snack, Like,
I don't know, does that count from stuff I was
reading that counted, But I mean it's not like you're yeah,

(23:00):
like that's likely date. No, no, no, no no, it doesn't
replace like the monthly this planned. But these are ways
to sneak in. We went on a little date. We're
what y'all do? Well? We went to Target, and you know,
and then even I guess you could flirt while you're there,
I don't know, maybe a little p d A who knows.

(23:20):
I don't know, walk to a different aisle and then
walk back to misle and be like, hey, where'd you
come from? Or you come here often? Yes, actually Target,
I do, that's right, Like oh, and then if I
go to a different aisle, you can just be like, oh,

(23:41):
I hate to watch you go, but love to watch
you leave. Or whatever that's saying is this conversation has
gone like way, you've got this whole Target fantasy going. No,
I'm just this fantasy Target Starbucks. So but that's how
you can turn errands into a date and run around
or like always just be intentional about inviting the other

(24:02):
person instead of going and doing X, Y and Z
solo and oftentimes we do because the other person it's
like divide and but but maybe sometimes it's worth it
for our relationship to you know, not conquer as much,
but but get some stuff done together. Um, I love that. Then,
you know, I think speaking to each other's love languages

(24:26):
is is good, Like this could lead towards I guess
just I know that doesn't mean like on the date
you just do it, but like for me, I know
that if I plan out a date that has some
thought behind it and like I'm on time and some

(24:46):
sort of acts of services involved, like that would speak
to your love language, you know. And then for me
for on our date and you gave me words of affirmation, definitely,
Well if you were on time, I said, hey, how
awesome you were on time? Noticing like when you do
things like that, like noticing that you've done an active service,

(25:08):
like that's huge, Like that would be that would go
a long way. So that's knowing the person that you're
dating kind of knowing what what would make them feel special.
So yeah, I probably now that I'm saying this out loud,
I need to take back my earlier comments about scheduling
a time and being on time, because again that's me

(25:30):
noticing your love language and respecting that. And things change
and you learn things as you grow in your marriage
and your your relationship. So I don't think that what
you started doing when you were dating, maybe that worked
for that time and you need to adjust later on.
Um you know, for instance, I used to buy flowers
all the time till ten years in your marriage. You're like,

(25:50):
you know, I really don't care. I really don't like.
I don't mind. I think flowers are pretty like I
think I liked the thought behind it, but I just again,
when we're sharing everything, I was just thinking of our
budget and like you're spinning on flowers like it, but
if that's something you really want to do, And I
think I regret how I handled that because but I
thought I would just let you know, like it's worth

(26:13):
way more for me for you to like notice something
that I've done and talk to me about it. Or candle.
I love candles. Well, I know you like smell. That's
why I smell. It was the most important, right, so
it's thoughtful. I don't think I should handle it that way.
But I was just like, like flowers or I'm not
I don't get the flowers and want to cut them

(26:35):
right away and put them in a pretty vase and
watch them and nurture them, and like, I don't know
what it is about me. They are beautiful, but I
just would maybe leave them on the counter, and then
that's not nice of me. And then a couple of
days later, I was like, hey, you're gonna put those
in water. Then you get irritated that I didn't put
them in water right of the way right away, and

(26:56):
that means that I don't appreciate what you did for me.
And then it just caused like a thing where finally
I just thought I would share with you, like I
could save you a lot of money by telling you
you don't have to buy me flowers, but you buy
me a candle, look it up, or tell me something
that I've done well, great, love it. Well. That's what

(27:17):
all I'm saying is that things adjust, right. You adjusted
as you get, you know, through your relationship, and you
have to be willing to adjust in what people like
and what your spouse likes and doesn't like right also
be willing to take the hits to your pride when
you're like I've been buying flowers for ten years and
you now tell me, you don't like them, so like
it's okay, just adjust and overnight dates is something I

(27:39):
saw a lot of when I was researching different you
know blogs about this. That couple swore by that if
you could do it, and I started thinking about how
I have that work trip. I was invited to Napa
um for Live in the Vineyard, which is like music
that's played in Napa Valley with different artists and like

(28:00):
I think in the Fall or the November trip, it's
like Mari and Morris and Kelsey Ballerini and there's a
couple of different other genres that are there, not just country.
But I mean I haven't ever like our work goes
on it a lot and we give away the trips
on the Bobby Bout Show like people win and it's awesome.
And I had never been invited, but I got invited

(28:23):
this year by the Live and the Vineyard people, and
I was like, whoa, I've never been invited, Like this
could be amazing and I can take you, know, take
you And I thought, well that would be great, Like
that will be a week and getaway where we can
go do that. I mean it's a long for like
a two day yeah, because you have to fly all

(28:43):
the way to California and then you're only there. It's
not along yeah, And then I mean you're there twenty
four hours and you come back, turn around and fly
back and then it's like, oh gosh. But it's making
that effort though, And that's when when you talked about
it first, I was like, well, I don't know well,
but also here's the thing and I haven't shared with
you yet because I don't know the details. But I'm
checking with work on the schedule because sometimes I have

(29:05):
some work stuff on the weekends, so I don't really
know for sure recording wise, what we're going to be
able to do. But my point in bringing it up
was that I think sometimes we would look at a
trip like that and be like, ah, it's amazing, but
we might be too tired if we go, like we'll
come back tired. But it's like we need to just

(29:28):
say yes to stuff and not worry about being tired
because it's the memories of the experience and the time
together that we need. And I know some people live
that way, like they're down always. Like I think of Gracie,
our friend Gracie, like she's a seven on the Instagram
and she is down, like you tell her. She's like

(29:49):
her husband Steve got invited to play somewhere in Mexico,
like for a corporate event or something, and you know,
I feel like she's the type. I don't know exa
actually how it all went down, but let's just say
Steve got the call on Thursday night, like tomorrow, pack
your bags. I need you in Mexico. Grace, you would
be like sweet. And they have a baby and they're

(30:11):
they're more intentional with their new, well nine month old
baby then we've been at all and so but I
see them and I see them doing it right, and
I'm proud of them. But I feel like we could
learn from couples like that. But she is naturally a
fun seeker. She's naturally we have to go out on

(30:32):
board and the and we're like, that's not our Our
personalities are like I like to not be tired, and
I feel like I'm tired a lot, So I'd like
to plan how I cannot be tired, which would include
not going to NAPA, because that's the plan. But I
need to just go. We should go if we can.
I don't know what what's going to work out. But
I also bring this up to people that if you

(30:53):
have a work opportunity where something's gonna also get paid for, um,
which makes it even easier, then yeah, whatever that is,
whatever the little trip is, like, see if your spouse
can come, Like it never hurts to ask. The worst
thing somebody could say is no, and maybe your spouse
won't get paid for but obviously because they don't work there,

(31:16):
but you could get if you get the hotel part
done because you're going right then you know, or see
if again, maybe you're listening right now and you're like, oh,
this is just not applied to me, this is blah
blah blah, because I am not in a relationship. Well,
what if you have a friend you're trying to see, Like,
what if you've got this really cool work opportunity, Let's
see if your friend can come along. And all you

(31:39):
have to do is book of flight, check checkpoints like
do you have Southwest points or Delta points or miles
somewhere whatever it's called, and you know, book it there
and then boom, somehow creatively you have a weekend away
with your loved one or your friend or whomever. Because
that quality time is important. Um. But make sure you

(32:01):
take that if you're doing a business. One. What we've
learned in our I think in our relationship from the
beginning was just kind of some expectation management, saying, hey, yeah,
this is a business. I am here on business. Yes
it's a cool town, Yes it's a cool hotel. But
there's during times I'm gonna have to go do stuff
for work, right, so that the other person knows, all right,
hey cool, totally expected. I mean, even though it would

(32:22):
be natural to assume that it's not always I mean,
just be transparent, avoids any confusion. That's good advice for sure.
So anyways, dating divas dot com is definitely a good
place to go, um to figure out, you know, depressing
up your relationship. Yeah, my life that I've learned about that. Um,

(32:42):
I'll just run through some quick other ones before we close.
But there was stuff obviously that just speaks for itself, like,
you know, be sexy. That was one tip. Yeah, to
be sexy, To take care of yourself, to use imagination
to say I love you often, to be mind m h.
I've read one that said closely bathroom door. There's a

(33:08):
couple of been married like seven years. I'm just saying
that's our bathroom doesn't have a door. I didn't write
it and just read it. Um, okay. Well, find healthy
ways to vent was another one, which I know that
this is more on like how you can date, but
you don't really want to go on a date with
someone that you're irritated with, right, So it's like if

(33:32):
you can find a healthy way to vent and communicate
like okay, this is how I'm feeling, then I think
that's that's an important important one. Okay, well there you go.
How to I don't know how to keep dating or
how to date your spouse in life is crazy. That's
what we'll call this. And thank you for coming on
and sharing with me like this is good. We definitely

(33:55):
we did not talk before us. I had no idea
what you're going to bring to the table, and it's
good stuff. So now we just need to play it.
So when are we going out yet? When are you
taking me on a date? Sounds like one November when
the schule if we can even get well, if we
don't get to go, then we'll just plan a date
that weekend. Okay, all right, so let's pencil that one in. Okay,

(34:17):
I'll put Okay, I'm like literally opening at my calendar
right now and I'm looking at November one and I'm
putting date. Boom. There we go. It's there. We're not
we're practicing what we are sharing. Boom. Alright. The last

(34:46):
time that Lisa at the Well Necessities on Instagram was
on the podcast. We talked about exercise addiction a little
bit and kind of uh, you know, dabbled into why
are we exercising? So um. They got a good response,
and I think that resonated with people, like sometimes we
use exercise as a form of punishment when when it

(35:07):
really should be a joy like a thing we should
be doing because we love our bodies and we want
to take care of it. We want to honor uh
you know, the ability that we have to move. So uh.
I asked Lisa if she would come back on and
we would dig a little deeper into exercise and why
we do it, because, um, you are the one with

(35:29):
the all the degrees here, Lisa, with nutrition and exercise.
Go ahead and give people your all your I don't
know your letters, your status, what you're officially. Yeah, I'm
a registered dietitian and I hope my Masters and Nutrition
and exercise physiology. Um, that's who I am on paper,
but I'm also somebody that has gone through the very

(35:51):
disordered relationships to both food and exercise, and my purpose
now is to help people figure out how to establish
a how the relationship with food and exercise, which can,
by the way, be part of taking a non diet
approach in life. So I know that a lot of
people hear the word non diet or intuitive eating or um,
and they think that that means, you know, a general

(36:15):
disregard for healthy foods or taking care of your body.
But in fact, that's not what it is at all. Um,
it's just making sure that you're doing these things for
the right reasons and really listening to your body rather
than trying to control it. You and your fiance had
posted a video I don't know, not so long on
Instagram where you're talking about carbs and you're like, some
people are so anti carbs, they're just anti carbs, and

(36:37):
you'll you'll do this little thing back and forth. We
all like, well, we don't get it, because, um, cauliflower
is a carb. Sweet potatoes are carb? Fruits a carb?
Like you like carbs, You're all about the carbs but
it's just like, Okay, what carbs are you choosing? Are
you choosing the sweet potato or you choosing the you know,
cupcake every day, which I mean a cupcake is not
a bad car but if that's what you're in the

(36:58):
mood for, but that's probably not gonna what is gonna
be making you feel awesome on the daily and when
it comes to taking care of your body. But I
just think, yeah, it's sort of not accurate for people
to say that they hate carbs, right, and I think
just like to bring that into exercise. There's so many
common misconceptions that reinforce our negative relationships to movements or food.

(37:22):
So like that you're a great example of carbs is
thinking that all carbs are bad is a common misconception.
We actually need carbs consistently throughout the day to fuel
our body UM and our brains specifically UM. And these
false misconceptions and deeply impact our relationship to things that
we need to do and deal with every day to

(37:43):
be our best. So, like exercise, I always say that,
like the first thing you can do, by the way,
just as like a chip here is establish your y
for exercising. If you hate your body. No amount of
exercise will ever solve this, so believe it or hot,
we need to actually come from a place of love,

(38:03):
honoring and supporting our bodies to really reap the benefits
of exercise and what it does for us. Does that
make sense? So? I used to think that I exercise
for my body, but in reality, my body exercises for me.
And this is like a huge deal when you realize
that your body can do something like this. Um. Not

(38:25):
to be morbid for a second, but when I was
traveling recently, I was getting on an airplane and there
was somebody in front of me that was in a wheelchair,
and he was an older man and he I don't
know what his health issue was, but he had no
control over any part of his body. Um, and somebody
had to help him, you know, with every facet moving

(38:45):
his head, with stopped in his arms, his legs. And
when you see that your body's movement ability to move
as a gift, you realize that this is something your
body does for you. Um and showing up for it
in the same way as uper super important. Yeah. Um
so yeah. Common misconceptions that reinforce negative relationships to movement.

(39:10):
I feel like one is that like it has to
be hard and intense to to count to what it
has to be really hard and intense, like to count
as a workout. Like I just thinking of, like you
know when you're working out to count reps or to
count ok. Yeah, in order for in order for you
to check the workout box that you did something, it

(39:33):
has to be super crazy and intense. I got it right.
And there are physical benefits from high moderate, low intensity workouts.
So that's something to really understand that you don't need
to be doing like boot camps in order to check
that fitness box off. Um, you aid it now? Negate it?
UM A social media a lot on Instagram, I see

(39:53):
a lot of like food comparison sharts that show like
how many burpies it would take to um eat a
I don't know cupcake right, let's say. And again that's
furthering the idea that like you earn your food and
exercise is what allows you to do that, UM, and
that's going to fuel disordered eating habits and create a

(40:14):
negative body image. UM. The all or nothing attitude is
one I see all the time. So you see being
an exercise in a routine or out of a routine
or like falling off the wagon. Um, it's totally normal
to need and your body actually rest days are really
important to need a day off two weeks, um, sorry,

(40:35):
two days, three days, maybe even a week if you're
sicker out of it, that is okay. And I think
it's important to recognize that just because you skipped a
few days or you missed the workout doesn't step forth
into a motion that like you're on or off the wagons.
Like you just get back up and you listen to
your body and you move when it's asking you too.
So true, your body is going to the two days

(40:55):
is not. I used to be that person. I would
freaking out and then when life just got busy and
I realized, okay, like I got a different priorities now,
but working out obviously so important to me. But I
would have a few days around I couldn't work out,
and guess what, my body was still the same, right,
So everything kind of like okay, when we when we
give up this control. But if your mind was like,

(41:17):
oh my god, I missed two days, that almost like
you self sabotage. It terms into three days and four
days and now I'm just off the wagon. So I'm
you know, eating all these foods that don't even make
me feel good because what does it matter? And you
go down that hole, so really pulling it back. This
is another funny one that UM I used to think
was motivating, but sometimes things that are motivating are actually
UM adding to an unhealthy relationship to whatever it is.

(41:42):
So never missing Monday is a big one UM reinforcing
this idea that like exercises grueling hard and that the
success of the day rides on that Monday workout. UM
exercise doesn't have to be grueling hard, and you, of
course it's great to start your day, your Monday, UM
with a workout, but just because you moss the Monday
work that doesn't mean that you can't pick up Tuesday.

(42:02):
The body doesn't know what a Monday is, right, even
when it comes to, of course, creating habits. I get
that like Monday is a fresh start of the day,
but I've actually found that like Sundays are really the
best days to restart because we have a moment to
like get it all together, as opposed to like treating
Sunday and Monday like these opposing forces that look nothing alike, right,
exactly um, maybe yeah, go on. Oh, I was just

(42:25):
gonna say, I love that I've really tried to start
treating Sunday as like a day to really how can
I use this day to help set my week up
for success whatever that looks like it maybe even a
little bit more self care, just so I feel good
rolling into Monday, not stressed about the fact that it's Monday. Um,
you know, might be the day that I take a bath,

(42:46):
or I do a face mask, or I wash my
hair or like, I know that that sounds silly, but
it is something that helps me, like you know, instead
of being like, oh, I'll wait and start that on Monday,
like do the things that are going to make you
feel so good that you copp and you're like, ah,
it's Monday. M M. I see this this constant like
like the hamster wheel cycle that we go through where um,

(43:08):
we go Monday through Friday and then all of a sudden,
like because we've been eating so good and being so
clean and working out so much, that Friday is our
day to like let loose and that bleeds into Saturday
and Sunday and while like we might be grabbing for
these foods are missing our workouts as a way to replenish.
The way we think of replenishing might actually leave us

(43:29):
more deplete. So it's always important to ask myself, like,
how will this help me go into Monday feeling my best? Um?
And I think that is something that we kind of
have a little bit backwards as a result of thinking
that exercise is so hard and hard for us to
do and that we hate it, and thinking that healthy
food is also like such a chore. Right. It really

(43:51):
it really when you get when you can get your
mind right, which is what what Lisa is all about
with fork the noise. I mean, that's really that starts
with your mind. All of the noise we hear is
coming from our mind. And when we can quiet that,
when we can stick a fork and hit like that,
you know, it really does help. It's also coming from

(44:14):
you know, talking about inner noise and outer noise. Yes,
you've got that internal dialogue going, but it's also fueled
by outer noise. What you're seeing on social media, your parents,
your siblings, Like, you can't change those around you, but
I try to help others just become aware of noise
or toxic language that others hold. You know, Oh you know,
if I eat this, I have to pay for it
at the gym U or ate too much this weekend,

(44:35):
I got to get in my extra cardio, um whatever,
you know, the way we fuel. Oh I'm so good,
I'm eating clean. These simple things really add up and
reinforce this idea that like good is this, and that
is that, and it's it just doesn't need to be
as polarizing, right, yeah, and I'm sorry. This would also

(44:56):
say that, like exercising and moving too much or two
or too little be really harmful for our health, and
so striking that balance in your life is really really key. Right,
too much or too little neither of those works? So
how can you well well? Rest days? I think just quickly?
Did I know? We mentioned like if you miss a

(45:16):
few days just because of this or that. But sometimes
it's okay to take intentional rest days, like hey, I'm
just gonna go for a stroll today. Doesn't mean you
lay on your couch and watch Netflix all day, but hey, well,
I guess if that's what you really feel like you need,
go for it. But it's okay if like a walk
in the park or walking to dinner or walking to

(45:37):
the coffee shop. It was was your movement for that day,
maybe instead of taking the car or going for a
bike ride. So many times my son, Stevenson is on
his bike and I have a bike too, But I
kind of want to get this quote unquote steps because
that I like that feeling and I try to make
sure that I'm just moving all day and I need

(45:57):
to be better about forking that forking that noise and
the noise from the outside of people telling me how
many steps in this to get because I should just
hop on my bike and go for a ride with
Stevenson because it would mean the world to him. And
I'm still out moving my body. It's just in a
different way. And so what if it doesn't track it

(46:17):
on my Apple watch? You know, like you care and
you know those I'll say two things, but those those
you know get tan case steps. Um. You know thing
that we've kind of like doctors and health professionals have
been dishing out myself included Like it's not like that's
a magical number. Um, it was just sort of used
as a way to motivate people as a marker. There's

(46:38):
nothing that says like ten case steps prevents you heart disease,
you know, or something like that. Um so used as
a marker, but people really clung onto it um and
that could work in the other way. Okay, got my
ten case steps. I don't need to move anymore. So
really understanding what your motivation is and why, and then
just going back to rest days from a fitness perspective,

(46:59):
if you are moody that you know really wants to
have gains or increase muscle tone or whatever it is,
and you really want to reap the benefits, believe it
or not, you need rest days. Everything we do, UM,
when we work out, especially intent we're breaking down our
muscles and in order for them to grow and repair,
they actually need time off. And like you said, that
could be an active rest day, that could be going

(47:21):
for a walk, um not something like grueling. Doesn't have
to look like netflicks. But rest days are really really important,
especially if you're really big into fitness. Yep, And it
was something I wish I knew. When I was in college,
I went six months without missing the gym. I had
to get to the Yeah, it was really sick. I

(47:42):
probably Um, I wasn't changing my body in the way
where like I was losing weight, but I was just I.
I started to be addicted to it and obsessed, and
I was terrified to break this streak. Um. There was
only after they went to grad school that I learned
so much about rest days, uh, the importance and real
the idea that like, I don't need to work out

(48:04):
every single day at all to be happy, healthy and
feel good, and rather forcing it upon myself had created
a very negative relationship to something that I actually enjoy. Preach, preach,
and I too wish I had known that at a
younger age. So, um, you know, if you're younger and
listening to this, then yea, and this is something that
you want may need to implement into your life. Awesome.

(48:24):
I feel like the earlier you get it, or if
you happen to be older and you're just now like,
oh shoot, I needed to hear this, Like it's okay,
it's never too late. I'm just thankful that, yeah, I
now have. I just look back on those times in
my life, Lisa, and I'm like, oh my gosh, it
was so exhausting. It was so exhausting and just so
not fun at times because I was my day would

(48:45):
be totally thrown off if I couldn't get my workout
in it was very selfish almost. That's a great way
to put it. When we're when we're controlling everything food
and and exercise externally, we become very selfish people. And
let me just back up for one second. Selfish means
like what I always sort of what we do also
enforce the noise as we we figure out what we

(49:05):
value in life, and we make sure that we're prioritizing
what that is. And you're the opposite of a selfish person, amy,
like that is you only know me on Instagram? You
are I'd say that giving and charity and everything you
do is for other people. But when we are living
in our own world and and um allowing food and

(49:29):
exercise to control us, that is time and energy and
brain space and physical time actually taken away from living
out what we care about. So yes, that's gonna show
up as selfish for you. If somebody happens to value um,
you know, looking a certain way of feeling, you know,
strong is their number one value, then it's not selfish too.
You know, make exercise your entire world. But for most

(49:52):
of us, and that's true, happiness comes from giving. UM
is what I've found, and it's you you mentioned your
Fork the Noise course and there, so we'll just end
on the fact that people can always go to Fork
the Noise dot Com. Yeah, and then you have you

(50:12):
have a special landing page for your your audience as well,
so if you just link it below, they can just
click that. Yes. Um, well, I was pulling up that
email right now because I think it's like just Amy
at um, I got it right here, Amy dot Fork
the Noise dot Com. That's a custom your yeah, just
for for my listeners. Or if you happen to go

(50:35):
to Fork the Noise dot Com and there is a
class going on and you're interested in it, then you
can also just enter the cupon code Amy A m Y.
So I thought it was super sweet that, you know,
Lisa offered that to you, um, to you all, and
you know, if this is something that you feel like
you need, I highly recommend it. Her tips and tools

(50:56):
and wisdom have been very beneficial to me. And even
some stuff you know you've heard before, but Lisa's approach
and the way she puts it and she's just so
real about it and she's actually been through it, um,
you know, is really really helpful. And I just appreciate you, Lisa. Yes,
and I'm happy to field questions for many of your

(51:16):
audience that's interested in it, to see if this would
be right for them at this point in their life. Awesome,
love it. Okay, So at the Well Necessities on Instagram
follow her if you're not, and then Lisa, I will, well,
you'll be back on you're one of you're one of
my regulars, and uh, I guess. And then I'll try
to figure out a time that we're going to meet

(51:37):
in person one of these days. I would love that.
Maybe I'll just have to take a day trip to you. Okay,
that would be fun. All right, we'll have a good day,
have a great one by Okay. So, Ashley Lemiu is back,
and I hope you heard our Q and A episode together,
but I know not all of you may listen to
Q and A. I get it. It's fine. But she

(51:58):
was on a couple of weeks ago and helped me
out with AT and her book wasn't out yet, but
now she has officially given birth. Probably again, it probably
felt like you were giving birth when you took it
to print the book Born to Shine, but then now
it's out. It came out two days ago on the eighth,
today's the tenth. How does it feel? It feels I mean,

(52:18):
my book Baby is out into the world, and I
am so I'm so excited. And it also feels like
almost a dream because this has been my literal dream
since I was eight years old. So wow, that's a
that's that's amazing to know that if you've had a dream,
you just have to see it through, because I know
for you putting out the book it was kind of rocky.

(52:40):
Can you quickly go through like how you persevered through
that and how you ultimately like I'm doing this so
really long story short, Like I said, my dream, my
entire life has been to be a writer, and so
many people have told me that's too hard, it's never
gonna happen. What are you really going to do? So
I kind of steered away from it, and about two
years years ago, I just knew that I couldn't move

(53:02):
forward in my life anymore unless I wrote this book.
And so in order to write a book, you need
an agent. Pretty much of getting published as having a
good agent to go represent you two publishers. So I
wake up one morning and there is an email in
my inbox from one of the best literary agents in
the country, asking if he can represent me to write

(53:25):
this book, and I just thought, this is it, this
is my moment. We spent six months putting together our
book proposal that then you go try to sell to publishers.
I planned a six week trip to Europe to go
write my book, and the day before we left, my
husband and I left on my six week trip to
go to Europe because it was once you get an agent,

(53:47):
especially when like I had, it's like a two thou
shot that you're getting a good book deal. The day
before we leave to Europe, the final publisher of all
the thirty publishers that we sent the propossl Too, said no,
Oh my gosh. So I was just I was just
so overwhelmed with this, with this rejection, and I decided

(54:10):
I wasn't going to write a book and that I
was too bad or to this or to that, and
and it took me a while to finally realize that
it didn't matter. It doesn't matter what anyone else says.
I have to write my book. So I I hired
my own people to write this and then after I
was done, I ended up getting picked up by a

(54:30):
different publisher, but it was crazy. So here it is
still it feels good, But you've still followed through. You felt,
you listen to your heart, you knew and so I
think that's that's a lesson in itself or a message
to anybody listening that might you have something tugging at
you and talking about you. And just because the door closes,
that doesn't mean that you don't follow through. It may
it's a different road than you thought you were going

(54:52):
to take to get there. But Ashley has a very
powerful story um and honestly not a lot and not
one I certainly can't even imagine because I can't relate.
And I wonder if you've felt that, like do people.
I know that people can relate to to loss, but

(55:14):
in in the way that you and your husband have
had to go through it is I just can't even imagine.
So I feel was that was born to shine, born
from that the heartache all experienced. And so in the
book She's Gonna she gives practical tools to help you
shine even in life's darkest moments. So I want Ashley

(55:36):
for you to share with us well that the darkest
moment for you so about about be about six years
ago now, my husband and I became parents overnight to
two children who we became guardians of. When we met
our kids, they were three and five years old, and

(55:56):
we became parents. So these two beautiful kids, and we
were a family for over half their lives, so for
over four years, and being a mom was just the
best thing for me. And what was and what's important
to know though, is that when we became a family
of four, my husband and I weren't seeking out adoption,

(56:17):
we weren't seeking out foster care, we weren't trying to
grow our family. We were young and growing our businesses
and and literally just the whole universe all just combined
to have us for be together and it was just
felt so right. So we grow as a family, and
during the final steps of our adoption process, we we

(56:43):
get thrown into an unexpected contested adoption, which basically means
that somebody from their biological family side wanted them back,
and it sent us spiraling into this two year court
battle that long, and they had lived with you before that,
so it had been over to about three years. Okay,

(57:05):
so three years you've been their mom and dad, and
it's about to be totally final, and then and then
this happens, and then it's another two years. Are they
with you during the court Yeah, so they're with us
during the court thing. So in total, it was a
little bit over four years, and that court battle to

(57:25):
try to keep our family together was the most horrific,
painful experience of my life. I got so sick, I
lost so much weight the kids. For for the first
year we were able to hide it from the kids
until they had to be involved in all these people
started showing up at the house all the time, and um,
they had so much fear of their future. All of

(57:48):
us did. So I always thought, though, you know, because
we have these hard moments in our lives where where
we tell ourselves it's going to be okay, I have
to do this hard thing because on the other side
of this is the good thing, or is the joy,
or is whatever whatever the blessing is. So we we
walked through the storms in our lives hoping that in

(58:09):
the end it's going to be okay. So during our
court battle, I just held onto this hope that this
is what we had to do in order to keep
our family safe and together. And as their mom, I
would do anything in order to keep them safe. So
I was across the country for work, and I had

(58:31):
really stopped traveling during that time because it was just
important for me to be home. But I was only
gone for these three days and I just had to
be there. And while I was gone, there was an
unexpected emergency court hearing called, and I was assured that
it was just because we were in court multiple times
a month at this point, so thinking, so it's whatever,

(58:52):
and I was assured that it was just another one
of these whatever things. Well, my husband calls me and
he says, actually, um, it's been decided today that they're
taking the kids, and they're taking them tomorrow and we're
not allowed to tell them what's going on, and they're
not giving you time to come home. And I remember

(59:17):
that moment of feeling so helpless and so betrayed and
so so buried by this pain that I honestly didn't
know a human could feel and still live through it.
That night, I had to write my kids goodbye letters
from my hotel room, and that was the last piece

(59:38):
of me that they had. And the next morning, my
husband had to drop them off at school like everything
was okay and they were picked up by a state
worker and told they were never coming back home. And
that was the last time we ever saw our kids
see these good spumps. This is the part people where
I was like, I I can't. I've experienced loss. I've mean,

(01:00:00):
probably the greatest loss is losing my mother. But it's
such a different like I wonder how I don't. I
just I can't even having to be gone and then
write a letter and then for your husband to have
to drop them off and they don't even know, and
then you'll have not seen them since. And you I

(01:00:22):
see you write them beautiful notes on Instagram, hoping that
maybe they see them on Instagram someday, someday, And that
I mean, is that is that in the future do
you think for them, I don't know, the relationship with
the family or if that's too you don't know, I

(01:00:44):
don't know. You know, I don't know, And it's something
that you hope for. It's also really hard though, too,
because whenever that happened. So it's been over two years
since we lost the kids, and so much has happened
during that time that what once was will never be again,

(01:01:05):
if that makes sense. And I have no idea what
the future is going to hold for us. Um, but
I just I just have to hold up this hope
out that it will be okay at some point in
until that happens. I mean, I still write letters to them.
I still when we go on trips and there's little

(01:01:26):
souvenirs that I would usually buy for them, I collect them.
I have a I have a box for each of
them at the house because if the day comes that
they find us again, I just my whole goal. I
just want them to know that they were so wildly
loved by us throughout their entire lives, and that the

(01:01:48):
distance between us never took any of that love away.
And I think that that's one of my biggest fears,
is that I just I just want to make sure
that they know how loved and how important they are
to back then and and still yeah, I feel like
I mean, that's why I'm just in awe of both
you and your husband during a lot of this and

(01:02:10):
how intentional y'all are to not have to just bury
it as something like Okay, this is this is a
part of our life that we have had to lay
to rest and we're moving on. You still have that hope,
and I think that that's that's a huge testament to
your character and who you are, and that you're a fighter,

(01:02:30):
y'all are You're you're not gonna let that go even though,
but you're not letting it stop you in your life.
You're using it to help propel other things, that you're
turning it into energy that you're using elsewhere, and that's
motivating you and you're helping others. Like I was saying,
I think I can't relate to that type of loss,
but for anybody that's experience lost, it's gut wrenching and

(01:02:54):
it's something that you need when someone else can empathize
with you. I just can't in such a way I
can't even imagine. And I'm inspired by you, and I'm
I'm like your strength and to nasty amazed me and
how in your thoughtfulness and how they're still at the
forefront of they're still your kids in your family. And

(01:03:15):
I don't know how I would handle if if it
was if it was me, but I certainly admire the
way that you all have handled it and the things
you've now done with your darkest moments and turn like
where is the light? Where is the light in the darkness,
and you know, you're going out and speaking and then

(01:03:37):
there's this book Born to Shine, and I feel like
you are full. I feel like there's gonna be I
can't wait to dive deeper in, but like just nuggets
of wisdom that I'm going to be able to keep
with me and anybody else that has a dark moment.
Maybe it's not exactly because I feel like yours is

(01:03:58):
so unique. Like that's what I was struggling with the
way to say it earlier, because I was like, I've
experienced loss, but I can't even relate to this type
of loss, and even though I don't think a lot
of people can, because but I think of like, you know,
my my husband's parents, they had three kids, but their
first daughter, Um, they had a pool and at three

(01:04:20):
years old, she snuck out and fell in the pool
and they lost her. And it's it's you know, they
didn't know the last time they saw her that was
gonna be the last time they saw her. For me,
I knew my mom was sick and she had cancer,
and I got to prepare for that. And it wasn't
my child. It was sort of birth order, like she
was older and she had an illness, and this is

(01:04:40):
life we kind of get. But to have children and
experience the loss, that's something where I'm like, oh, it's
just a whole another level. So I know that there's
people that are listening that I've experienced that level of loss.
So I'm thankful for you being vulnerable and sharing that,
and also for for turning that into something positive. Because
in every situation that's bad or extremely negative, we can

(01:05:05):
do one of two things. We can dwell in it
and let it consume us and do nothing, or we
can be like, well, what's what's the positive that can
come from this? And we can use it as energy
to go forward and do something great with it. And
that's what you've done. Thank you. I um the two things.

(01:05:26):
Something that I always say is that the details of
all of our lives are so different, right, the experiences
that we all have are so different from each other,
but the feelings that go along with those are the same.
So whether my loss is different than yours, it doesn't matter.
The feelings are still the same. And that's what I
think the human condition is. That's how we're able to

(01:05:49):
unite with each other and to connect with each other
because because those feelings are are the same. The other
thing is that for a while my pain buried me.
I mean, I was so buried by my pain I
didn't know and I didn't want to know how to
even get out of bed in the morning. It just

(01:06:09):
it hurt too bad. Yes, so I will say yes,
thank you for certain I want you to continue on
this road because you do feel all the emotions. You
don't even like I, and I'm glad you're doing this.
And I feel, like I was saying, you can either
let it consume you, but it's important to know that
there are days where it does consume you and you
have to feel through it. So share good okay, Hi

(01:06:32):
fi okay, hi, thank you, because it's important to feel
the loves, but don't don't live in the loves to
live there. So what I what I started doing though?
As I was buried by my pain, I thought that
if I could outrun my pain, if I could run
faster than my pain, than I could become unburied from it.
I thought that there might be a point in my

(01:06:54):
life where if I took on more work projects, or
if I traveled more, or if I sold all of
our things and moved across the country to Nashville, which
we did. Like, if I could just move faster than
my pain, then I wouldn't have to feel it anymore,
until I realized that you can never run faster than
your pain, and the reason why is because we're not

(01:07:14):
supposed to. Once I stopped running and started listening and
asking what pain wanted to teach me, then it became
something that I didn't have to be afraid of anymore.
And then, instead of being buried by it, all the
layers that I felt like I was being buried by,
like the betrayal, the grief, the brokenness, the loss, the

(01:07:37):
broken heart, all of those things, instead of being buried
by them, I've started to learn how to rise above
them so that I'm standing on top of them. Because
when you can stand on top of your pain is
when it becomes your privilege. And when your pain becomes
your privilege is when you are then able to help
other people through their pain. So I know the depths

(01:07:58):
of being buried by hell honestly, and because of that,
I also know that there are steps and things that
you can do that are available right now to you
so that you can start getting out of that and
start not running away anymore and feeling joy in your
current moment no matter what is going on, because there's

(01:08:20):
so much power in the things that and in the
moments that life brings us to, and that if we
can accept our lives as it is and then create
a path to move forward, then our pain is able
to be a powerful force for good in our lives. Yes,
I love that. That's so. Yeah. See, I told you

(01:08:44):
all she's wise. She's very wise, and uh, born to
Shine is definitely something that if you again, whatever your
dark moment is, it doesn't have to be like Ashley's
story for you to use this book to help you
process through some of that. Um So, even the question

(01:09:07):
on the back of the book says, what is someone
give when they have nothing left to give? And so
do you think just to throw that on you? Do
you think that this this is what you have found
to give at a time where you felt you had
nothing left to give. I love that question that asked
me like that before. H m hm, this was this

(01:09:29):
was my thing that I I just knew had to
come out of me so that it could help other
people and also help me heal. And I'm I'm really
excited for the transformation that I experienced while writing this book,
and then the transformation that will come to the people
who who read it. Because my hope for this book

(01:09:52):
wasn't to tell my story, but but to write something
where you could really reflect on your own life and
be able to find your own power so that you're
able to go shine no matter what is going on
around you. Love that. And I'll just end with something
else that's on the back and it says, sometimes the

(01:10:13):
best view of the stars is when you have been
knocked flat on your back in the darkest night. See
my goose bumps. So yeah, well, thank you Ashley for
coming by to just tell us a little bit about
your story and then what lad to Born to Shine?

(01:10:34):
And I hope that, um, if anybody, one person or
ten or thousand, how many love you, however many of
you want to um, you know, feel compelled that this
this book is something that you know may be good

(01:10:55):
for you, then I encourage you to get on the
old Amazon and give it an order. Born to Shine
by Ashley Lemiu meulemu, which means in French the best
it really does, isn't that amazing true story? Ashley Lemieu,
So okay, Well, thank you, Ashley, and I'm sure we'll
talk to you soon. Thanks. So this little thing from

(01:11:25):
the Thought Catalog is called stop Wasting your time Complaining.
Now that's the headline, that's the title. So if you
are have been complaining a lot, which we all I
think can get in that. Nobody wants to be the
person that's complaining, but I know I'm guilty of I'm like,
why am I complaining so much? Or why am I
being so negative? And yeah, this is just a little

(01:11:45):
story to remind us that nobody wants to hear that
over and over again. So people visit a wise man
complaining about the same problems over and over again. One day,
the wise man decided to tell them a joke and
they all roared with laughter. After a few minutes, he
told them the same joke, and only a few of
them smiled. Then he told the same joke for a

(01:12:07):
third time, but no one laughed or smiled anymore. The
wise man smiled and said, you can't laugh at the
same joke over and over, So why are you always
crying about the same problem? Boom, short and sweet to
the point, like if there's something that you're crying about
over and over or that we are in general, whatever

(01:12:27):
that is. Let's just do something to fix it and
not complain about it all the time. Okay, deal, deal, good, Okay,
stop wasting your time complaining. Okay, big thank you too, Ben,
Lisa and Ashley for coming on today's episode. Just really
appreciate it. Hopefully y'all are following them all on Instagram,

(01:12:49):
especially at Tough Stomp. Don't forget to go do that.
If you've listened to this episode and you still haven't
gone on Instagram, let's go give him a follow. And um,
don't for get about Friday Night Live this weekend with
me and Mary, because we're gonna be on there. We
want to talk to you all on the Shop a
Squaw Instagram that will be at eight pm Central. And

(01:13:12):
if you're listening to this and maybe it's Saturday, I
think the live stay up for like twenty four hours
and we'll save it so maybe you can go back
and watch it if you want to, or just engage
with us on Instagram. I'm sure we'll be on. We're
gonna be together all weekend, so we'll be hanging out,
trying to make videos, talk to people, try to figure
out how we can get you all to do some

(01:13:33):
Christmas shopping early, because we just know that people put
it off, and we've seen it happen the last few
years around Christmas time with the totes. You put it off,
you put it off, you put it off, and then
you want to order tin totes for all your girlfriends
and it's too late. So I know it's only October,
but think how amazing it will feel to have some
of your Christmas shopping done. It will feel amazing. Okay,

(01:13:56):
email shoutout time, and this one comes from NICKI. Hey, Amy,
I'm currently binging your podcast Anytime I'm in my car
and I just listened to the episode with Adam Bobo
where you spoke about internet and fasting. I was wondering
if drinking my morning lemon water, a great tip I
learned from you, would mess with the fasting schedule. I
like to drink my lemon water shortly after I wake
up around five am, but if I fast, I can't

(01:14:18):
eat until around seven am. I'm currently trying to be
a healthier me, so thanks for any help. So this
is the first part of the email, and Nikki, I'll
just address this real quick before I finished reading your email.
The lemon water doesn't break the fast to my knowledge,
so I would say go for it. If I've am
drink that hot lemon water, and then when you want
to introduce food, then you can do that at seven am,

(01:14:40):
so boom. And if y'all want to, just search the
Adam Adam Bobo on the podcast and you can find
the episodes that he's on. He's always full of a
lot of information. Okay. Continuing on with the rest of
the email from Nikki, I wanted to let you know
I love so much the spaw and Pimp and Joy
items and I'm struggling to choose between them besides the
Four Things tope which I plan on getting matching pink

(01:15:02):
Dear Mama totes from my mother in law and myself.
She's one of my best friends. What would be your
number one thing you would choose? Okay, So now to
answer this question, Nikki man, the Four Things Toe that's
my number one thing, like that's my favorite, and the
Dear Mama one and pink that's already a pre made
tote so that one's already ready to go customizing them.
I guess would be my next favorite thing because you

(01:15:24):
get to pick out things for people that are personalized
to them, but for girlfriends, I mean, I'm pretty obsessed
with our star necklace. I wear that pretty much every day.
I know that's one of Mary's favorite items too. And yeah,
I mean, I guess just to answer your question, uh
and then pimp and joy wise, I love our retro repeat.

(01:15:47):
It's one of my favorites, especially right now as we
enter into fall, and you know it comes in a
pull over, like a gray pull over and then has
the retro repeat like that's one of my favorites. So
maybe you'all don't know what that looks like. You can
access access all of this at radio amy dot com.
And then now to finish off Nikki's email, she said,
I also wanted to say that I'm a longtime listener

(01:16:08):
of the Bobby Bones Show about seven years now and
I absolutely love it. I heard about your podcast from
the show, and I'm so glad I decided to listen.
I find myself laughing with you, crying along with the
stories you tell, and writing down recipes, tips and tips
all the time. My husband is constantly finding my little
notes all over the place with info that I hear.
Thank you, so much for being a great friend even

(01:16:29):
though we haven't met, and I look forward to all
of the upcoming things that you're a part of. Sorry,
this email is long. I just had so much to
tell you. Nikki. Um Okay, Nicky. I love this email
and I think it's special, and I love that you
ended it with thanks so much for being a great friend,
um because that's what that's the relationship we want to
have here on the podcast is like we're all friends.

(01:16:51):
That's what we've tried to do on the Bobby Bones
Show with listeners, carry that into the podcast and then
even carrying that into um My Squire relationship with Mary
and what we have going. Like anybody that follows that
and is a part of what we're trying to do
in Haiti. It's like our friend and we wanted to
feel like a community. So I'm glad that you feel that,

(01:17:12):
and I love that you leave your husband finds little
post it notes all over the place. I think that
that's great. So thank you for sharing that. And you
never know when your email is going to make it
into the shoutout part. It's always at the end of
every episode. So and then we got the Q and
a episode every Tuesday, so send your emails to four
Things with Amy Brown at gmail dot com. Great, thanks y'all.

(01:17:32):
On Tuesday by Okay, little food for yourself. Oh it's
pretty Bay, it's pretty beautiful. Thanks. That's for a little
moth kicking with four with Amy Brown.

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