April 6, 2021 • 25 mins
This is Amy’s ‘5th Thing’ (a bonus episode) where she answers your questions every Tuesday! ‘4 Things With Amy Brown’ comes out every Thursday, but on Tuesdays Amy answers questions you’ve emailed in. On today’s episode Amy has therapist Kathryn Defatta{@threechordstherapy} on to help address all your questions about: how Amy got where she is today in her business, dealing with being a step-mom on Mother’s Day, having peace while planning a wedding during a pandemic and Amy’s favorite sunscreen.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, this is Chase. Amy's going to be out
this week, So today you'll be hearing a popular rerun
of a previous Fifth Thing episode. But I did want
to let you know that this Thursday will include a
new episode of Four Things, guest hosted by Amy's friend Kat,
who also happens to be the host of the podcast
You need Therapy. To make sure to check that out.
And with that, here is today's Fifth Thing. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
(00:29):
I have two people that will be on today's Q
and A episode. I've got Chase on with me right
now because I need to run one of the questions
by him to see what he thinks. Hey, Chase, to
hear what this is. Well, I mean, you don't be nervous.
But also Katherine Defatah, who's a therapist that we've had
on the podcast before at three Chords Therapy, will be
(00:51):
on to go over some of the emails because I
thought I would like her wisdom to answer them. So
I just appreciate y'all's email so much. Remember you can
send them to four Things with Amy Brown at gmail
dot com and put Q and A or Fifth Thing
in the subject line, because that's what we call Tuesday's episode,
and we also start Tuesday's episodes off with a quote,
(01:14):
and I decided to use one that I saw on
Catherine's Instagram. Here's what it said. Sometimes running with perseverance
is a sprint, and sometimes it's taking the next step
at three Chords therapy shout out. I thought that was
really good. That's good because sometimes we may need that
(01:35):
reminder that doesn't mean just because you're persevering that you're
taking on this crazy thing. It reminds me also too,
of the whole how do you eat an elephant? Thing? Right?
So love that, and then Catherine will be on next.
But let me get to the question that I want
(01:56):
to go over since I've got Chase on the phone. Now, Okay, ready,
Chase ye. This one's from Brittany. Hey. Amy, this is
not exactly a question, more of a proposal. I was
wondering if I could come on the podcast and interview you.
I was on a run listening to the four Things
Tuesday episode per usual, and I could not just pick
(02:16):
one question to ask. I have so many. When did
you discover your calling and was it obvious or did
it become clear with time? When did you really immerse
yourself with entrepreneurship and how did you start, etcetera, etcetera.
I know this is nuts, but I figure I have
nothing to lose, and if anything, I just want you
to know that your Outweigh podcast series four Things with
(02:37):
Amy Brown and being on the Bobby Bones Show has
really changed my life. I consider us friends, even though
you don't have any idea who I am. And I
think I said her name was Brittany and I need
to correct that it's Brittley. Yeah, Brittley. I think I
think I'm saying that correctly. So okay, first of all, wow,
changed life. Heavy statement there. Also, we are friends. No,
(03:01):
we don't know each other, know each other. But if
if you're listening to the the podcast, consider your friend. But Chase,
what do you think about making Brittley next Tuesday's Q
and A? But she's on asking me the questions? Okay,
Two things. One shout out Brittley for being like forward
and just going for it and asking kind of what
(03:22):
you were thinking and putting the idea out that you
had sicking off. I think it's an awesome idea, okay.
And you had no idea that I was going to
share this one with you. So I wanted you genuine
reaction of if you thought it was good. But I mean,
I was thinking that you would think it was because
I wouldn't put brittley on blast and you'd be like, oh,
that's an awful idea. We're not going to do it.
(03:45):
As someone who's had the privilege to interview, and here
you be interviewed. It's one of my favorite things. I
obviously love all the interviews you do that. I think
sometimes when things get flipped like this, it's it's so
awesome and special, and I think that's a great idea. Okay,
so I'll let Bertley know and next Tuesday will flip
the script and she'll basically be hosting the Q and
(04:07):
A episode and asking me the questions. Okay, well, there
you go. That's all I need to be four Chase.
I appreciate you. I hope you have a good day. Okay.
Katherine's on the phone now. Hey Catherine, Hi, thank you
for coming back on. I always appreciate when you come
on and help me out with things at times, working
through stuff. So I've got an email here. I'm not
(04:29):
gonna say your name. I'm just going to say that
it's from a hurt stepmom and that's the title. So
I'll read the email and then we can talk about it. Hey, Amy,
I'm forty seven and never had my own children. My
body wouldn't allow me to every Mother'sday. My ex husband,
stepson's and stepson's mom always acknowledged me gifts, pampering, and
the best gift of all being acknowledged. That marriage ended
(04:50):
after ten years, I'm still a part of my stepson's lives.
We see each other, we text and call. Both of
them to this day still reach out to me on
Mother's Day and every holiday. I'm remarried and have been
with my husband for ten years. He too had a
son when we met. I absolutely adore my quote new stepson.
He is now eighteen, graduating from high school and joining
(05:11):
the Marines the day after graduation. He also lives with us.
Every Mother's Day. For the past nine years, I get
no acknowledgment from my husband or my stepson's mom. My
stepson did walk by me this year and said Happy
Mother's Day as he went to the bathroom. That was it.
The lack of acknowledgement on Mother's Day has broken my heart.
I've only told one person my feelings on this. She
(05:33):
thinks I need to bring it up to my husband,
but I don't want to be like, hey, celebrate me
and sound selfish. Am I wrong in being broken hearted?
She sounds to me like I don't know. We don't
know anything about her other than this email. But I
know that I had a stepmom for gosh, over twenty
years of my life, and I was not close to her.
(05:54):
In fact, to other people, I didn't even say stepmom,
I said my dad's wife. And while we all try
to be close and seemed close like, it just wasn't
that I didn't feel that connection with her. I really
don't think she would have cared if we acknowledged her
on Mother's Day or not. I don't really think we did.
I can't even remember, but I legit don't think that
we did celebrate her on Mother's Day. But I don't
(06:15):
think she's also She's also wasn't the type of person
that would send this email and have her feelings about it.
So I just know that that was the dynamic of
my family. Now she clearly has a different dynamic, at
least in her head what things should look like. And
let's answer her question, and I know that you're going
to say, probably, no feelings are wrong. Um so but
(06:39):
is she she's asking, is it wrong that my I'm
feeling heartbroken? Yeah, well you're right, because that was the
first thing I was going to say, is yeah, you're
never wrong for feeling something. I think where we get
into trouble is what we decided to do with the
feeling because we can't help the feeling we have, and
so what ends up happening is to me, it sounds
(07:00):
like they're like expectations that might be there just based
on the first experience she had where her family just
like kind of like pulled her in as as like
a mom, like the mom she wanted to be, and
so those expectations maybe have like fallen into this new
family system. And one thing that I know about expectations
is they are also resentment waiting to happen, which is
(07:23):
where I kind of see her now in the space
where she's it's almost building resentment because nobody's acknowledged her.
But I'm not sure if they know that. I guess
my question would be like, do they know that that's
important to you and that you would want that? No,
I mean that's another question that she had. She said
she talked to and one other person about this, and
that person said that she needs to bring it up
(07:43):
to her husband, but she doesn't want to come across
as selfish, right yeah, right. Which the other part is
what part of I would wonder, like, what part of
because when she's you said, celebrate me, I think we
have this feeling that we shouldn't want that. But that's
pretty much a I think everybody likes to feel celebrated.
(08:04):
And I'm sure she is dealing stuff for this family
like her stepson, he should say that. What did she say,
he's like my own? I love him like my own?
Did she do I make that up? I don't know
if you so, Actually he's doing My mom likes me,
and there's like we can't help it if we that's
always feels good. It's so I think I would wonder, like, one,
(08:26):
what are you asking for? To me? It sounds like
she's asking to be acknowledged for the part of the
family that she is and just to be looked and
that's okay, Like it's okay to be celebrated. I just
with one that does her husband and does a stepson
and the stepsons mom have any idea that this is
hurting her umause I want to interject on the stepson's
(08:48):
mom thing. I think agree with you that her first
marriage set up the expectation that the other mom should
be celebrating her on Mother's Day, because I didn't. I definitely,
although I can't remember if I ever celebrated my dad's
wife on Mother's Day. No, my mom didn't, so like, well, right,
(09:10):
but but not that that's wrong for her to want that,
But that makes more sense to me to be like, hey,
we kind of need to set down that expectation. Just
maybe tuck that one away, because that just seemed like
something really special you had going on with your first marriage.
But don't set down the expectation of getting acknowledgment from
(09:31):
your stepson and your husband. Yeah, well, because I'm sure
that there who knows the story around the SEPs mom,
like he knows both of this, but we don't know that,
so we don't have all the information. But yeah, the
mom might not have be in a place that she's
able to do that at all, even if you were
asked for it. And that does sound something like something
really rare, but you do people like your immediate family,
(09:58):
So I would encourage somebody like that to express themselves.
I always say it's our job to train people how
to treat us. And if we don't say people how
to treat us, we just have all these expectations and
it's almost like we want everybody to be a mind reader,
but like, how many mind readers do you actually know?
I don't know any, And so that's not fair to
us because we don't get our needs met, and it's
(10:18):
not fair to people in relationships with because a lot
of times there's just like clueless and all they need
to say to hey, like this, see what's going on?
And most of the time, not every time, but at
the time, oh, I had no idea, like I will
be better at that. And then that way, once you
know it's communicated, maybe it won't repeat the pattern next
Mother's Day and the following Mother's Day. That we can
(10:40):
just go ahead and put an end to it. Now. Yeah,
I mean, I think if you communicate that to someone,
whether it's in this applies to anybody if this is
not your scenario. We all have at times expectations and
all have been let down at some point. So when
you're having to communicate to somebody what you're feeling and
what you would like, and then it still doesn't happen. Well,
(11:01):
then it's valid to feel that way, and well, maybe
it's not the right way to put it because your
other feelings are also valid. But you have to give
the other person a fair shot. And if if you don't,
if it ends up being that theneeds are still not met,
then there's a whole other process for that, and that
would look more of like grieving something that doesn't that
isn't possible, but we don't know it's not possible yet. Yeah,
(11:24):
we need to get we need to have the talk
first and then wait for next Mother's Day to roll around. Yeah.
And the other part that I would say too is
I think a lot of times we forget, like or
what we want to get in the way of what
we really want. So for her, what she wants, what
sounds like just to be acknowledged and seen as a
mother's figure and just like an important part of the family,
(11:46):
what is getting in a way is because she wants
them to do it without her asking, and so that's
what she wants, Like I just want them to acknowledge
me without asking, you know, without having to say something.
But that's getting in the way of what you really want.
And that is for any buddy that is making any
kind of decision of looking at if there's something you
want more, so I want them to acknowledge me without asking.
(12:07):
But if there's something you want more, yeah, I just
want to be acknowledged. Okay, Well let's look at that
and put that other things to the side. And and
a good example to explain that. In another scenario, Lily talk.
This was explained to me years ago. But some guy
was looking at an apartment that he wanted in Chicago
and it was like skyscraper, like the best apartment he
could have ever dreamed of. And he asked his like
(12:29):
financial advisor, like, hey, can I afford this? Financial adis said, yeah,
you can, like totally afford this, But let me ask
you before you decide that you're going to do this,
is there something you want more? And he was like,
what do you mean? And if there was there anything
else you want to do with this money? Because you
can afford this, but then there's other things you won't
be able to have, and so he was like, well,
I want to go on trips with my family and
(12:51):
I wanted he made a list of things, and so
he was like, Okay, those are the things you want
more so maybe you don't get the apartment. And I
think that's a good example and a good story to
look at when we're making a lot of decisions of Okay,
what do I want, and then what do I want?
More than that? Right here, it's I just want to
be seen and acknowledged and love and celebrated. I hope
(13:12):
that that that helped to this hurt step mom, and
I emailed her to let her know that we're gonna
be talking about it so she'll be listening to this
episode to hear what you had to say. Catherine. Yeah,
I just want you to know feeling that way is
not selfish and you do deserve to be celebrated. And
I hope that it works out and keep us posted.
(13:40):
The next question I have is from Audre hey Amy.
My question relates to wedding planning and making things special
during this time of change. My fiance and I are
getting married June and have decided that we're going to
go ahead and get married no matter what happens. However,
it's really been hard to deal with the stress and
uncertainty of not knowing what things will look like for
our wet day as we just don't really know if
(14:02):
we're gonna be able to have a reception or not,
or even more important, if more than just our immediate
families will be able to attend our wedding ceremony in
our church. Do you have any tips or suggestions on
how to have peace with everything, or on how we
can make things special even if we weren't able to
do things as planned, maybe having a backyard mini gathering
with social distancing or something where we can still see
(14:25):
and celebrate with family and friends, if we can all
celebrate together as normal and audre I feel like the
last sentence are However, if you were phrasing that as
a question to me, if maybe that's what you should
do of this email sounds perfect. I have a few
more thoughts on this, and I know that Katherine does too.
But yeah, maybe your reception does have to morph into
(14:48):
a backyard social distancing barbecue. But at least you're with
the people that you love and you know they love you,
and you're all together and making the best of these
crazy to times, and then you can circle back and
do something later when there's a little more certainty if
you want to. But it's it's such a special time
(15:09):
and I love that you're still moving forward with it
no matter what, and you and you're soon to be
new husband are going to be I don't want to
say better for it, because I really don't know, but
I feel like this is an opportunity where you all
are already facing a little bit of a challenge right
out of the gate, and how you handle it could
kind of set the stage for how you handle things
(15:32):
thrown your way when you're married. Yeah, And I think
a lot of people are going I'm glad you are
bringing this question up in particularly because I think so
many people are going through this right now and really
don't know what like the right decision is. Do I
wait a year and get married, Do I go ahead
and have a small thing and then have a bigger
one later, or do I just do a small thing
and not do anything else. But there, I mean, there's
(15:52):
so many questions, and I don't think there's a right answer.
I think there is just like the best decision for
each person. I know that I have. I was supposed
to be in three I think it's three weddings in
the past. Will June six will be the third one.
So in the past three months of specif be in
three weddings, it all got shifted into something now, and
each person decided to do something a little different. And
(16:14):
I think one of the most important things for each
of them was to remember, like, we're getting married. We're
getting married, and that's what's happening. The wedding is a thing.
But if we forget that, like the wedding, isn't the
marriage a lot? And so it takes some of the
excitement away, But it's like you're still getting married, like
joining your life with somebody, which is always, always, always special.
(16:35):
Just think of it as its own thing. It's a
new own thing. It is not the wedding you had planned.
To kind of get out of the space of thinking
that this is a less down because it's not. You're
still having this huge experience. And so you just get
to choose on what you focus on, whether it's the
things you can do or the things you can't. And
there's a lot of stuff you can still do. I
(16:56):
would ask, is what's the most important, Like if the
backyard mini gad or, and it's like, is it most
important for you to have and see some of the
people in your life, like, okay, well then let's do something.
Think about what you can do around that. Is it
having being able to like still have things like the
first dance or like throwing a bouquet or stuff like
is that important? I know that a lot of people
(17:16):
will too. So far, they've done a Facebook live, which
I think is cool because you can invite it's you
can make a private and just invite whoever you want
to it and then they can watch it and like
comment and stuff, and they I think they can even
video themselves as they watch it, and then you can
watch it back and see what everybody kind of has
said during the ceremony, so it's like they all kind
of get to be there. We did that for my
(17:37):
little brother got married last weekend actually, and I I
videos Facebook live did it. Yeah. I had the camera
sideways for like the videos, so I didn't know that
you can't like you have to have the camera up right,
So half of the ceremony was sideways, but we still
did it. But yeah, like, think about what you want
to do. So one of my friends we did and
(17:58):
like there's like six of us after none of her
family could come and so they did the Facebook live
and then none of us went to the ceremony except
I think two people. And then we did like a
backyard celebration where we surprised her with a cake and
champagne and we had our throw who bouquet still and
we sent them off with sparklers in the middle of
our driveway at like I think it was like two
(18:18):
o'clock in the afternoon, but we still like set him
off and had a random guy was walking past the
house and came in videotaped it for her, so she
has to send off video. So there's tons of things
you can do. You just have to be super creative.
I think you just have to. You were saying when
you first started talking about it, Catherine, just separate the
(18:40):
marriage from the wedding and focus on what is it
that you really want and go ahead and do that
if that. If that's what you want at the moment,
it's fine, and then you can do the wedding stuff later.
Sure it's not how things have always been or not.
(19:00):
You know what probably happened for your sister or your
best friend or who got to have the normal wedding
that they've been dreaming of. But nothing has been normal
about this year, and who knows what the new normal
will be, but we will be able to all gather
again together one day and celebrate. So yeah, if you
(19:21):
want to go ahead and do the thing, keep the date,
make the marriage the real deal, get the certificate, then
do it and then you can always celebrate however you
want to. Maybe on your year anniversary. I feel like
there's gonna be a lot of that going on or
something like that, or maybe who knows what you would
(19:41):
have spent on a wedding and maybe go spend it
on something else. But I mean a lot of people
I know have put deposits down for everything and it's
really hard to get it back. So that's not lost
on me one bit. So that may not actually be feasible.
But anyway, just know that you're not alone and whatever
you decide to do is going to be awesome and
(20:02):
y'all will look back on it and be like, WHOA
remember that crazy time we got during coronavirus. It's like
I would ask, since this is happening kind of pretty often,
I would ask people that you know that I've done it, like, hey,
what did you like and what didn't you like? Did
you have any ideas or there are things that you
wish you would have done and get some feedback from people.
(20:23):
And then again, it's your wedding, so it's like that's
always what kind of like it said, It's like you
get to decide. It's your wedding. It's still your wedding
in your marriage, so you get to decide do you
want to have a backrouard barbecue? Do you want to
have a parade and all people that could have come
to your wedding to drive by your house and wait,
like what do you want to do? Like you get
to decide. It's you're the bride, and that's kind of
(20:45):
how it gets to be for that day. Yeah, well, Catherine,
I'll keep you on for this third question, although it
doesn't really need much wisdom from like a therapist perspective,
but you may have thoughts. This one's from Susannah. Hey, Amy,
I live in floor and I'm in the sun constantly.
Can you let me know about a good sunscreen that
I can wear out on the boat for under my
(21:06):
makeup that's not really oily. I'm obsessed with the neutrogena
for the rest of my body, but it's way too
oily on my face, and it makes me break out
almost every time. So, Susannah, what I use on my face,
which I love, is in teleshade and it's by revision.
It's in a black tube. I have it on my
Amazon page and go to radio Amy dot com and
(21:26):
click on Amazon and then under beauty and it's tinted,
so I wear it as my makeup and sunscreen as
like SPF forty five, and then I just put a
little powder on top to take away the shine. There's
original and Matt. I only had the original on Amazon
because I don't know, I couldn't find the mat to
add on there for you. But what I do is
(21:47):
I bought the original and the mat and I mix
like a squirt of each because to me, the Matt
is too Matt. And then the original is fine, but
it is a little shiny at times. But again, like
I said, you can just put a little powder on top.
It does not break me out. And then again, since
it's tinted, it is my makeup. I just wear that
and then the powder and good to go. And a
(22:07):
lot of my friends use this. It's a little bit
on the pricey side, but it does last a long time.
It takes me a long time to go through a tube,
especially since I use two tubes, the mat and the original.
It really takes me forever. And you don't need much. Yeah.
I love using a beauty blender to to like a
damp one. Do you use a beauty blender, Katherine, No,
(22:29):
I have. I probably should update all of my makeup brushes.
I have this really cool makeup brush that I got
from Beauty Counter. I've had it for like three years.
What does it do well? I mean, it's just like
it's because the beauty blender. Is that not just like
to blend in your foundation and stuff? Right? Yeah, so
you get it, You run it under homewater, get it wet,
and then squeeze it out and then it blends. Like
(22:49):
to me, it's the if I put the intelishate on
with my fingers, I can see a major difference. If
I were to blend it in with beauty blender, it
just blends in so much better. Oh yeah, mine tie
a buffer like foundation brush. So I should probably jump
on the beauty blender train. Actually yeah, I mean I
feel like I'm late to things, and I was a
way late to the beauty blenders. So you're like really late.
(23:11):
Really yeah, I'm gonna need to send you one. But
that's what I recommend for you, Susannah, if you're out
in the sun, and yeah, put that sunscreen on. Katherine,
what you have? What what skin type is? Yours? Fair?
Are all in well but complex? Yeah, like all of
(23:33):
the Oh wow, okay, you're lucky. Like I'm fair. I
have to wear sunscreen all the time or I burned,
but I still need I need to wear sunscreen. I
Actually that just was making me think because I was
working in my yards today and I put on nea
and now I'm like, oh, shoot, am I going to
break out? No? No, no, no no. That's one thing
that I know for sure is every single person's skin
(23:55):
reacts differently to every product. So I even get notes
from people sometime I want to know your exact skin routine,
and I'm like, well, shoot, I'm happy to post it.
But it took me a while to even figure out exactly.
Like my girl Carry the Nashville Beauty Girl that helps
me with it, Like she had to do several different
things to get me to wear like the original skin
(24:18):
routine she gave me. It broke me out really bad
and it's what she uses on a lot of people
that and they love it, but it wasn't right for me.
So I always get nervous like telling people because I'm like, well, shoot,
I don't know for sure if this is good for
them every day. Well, Catherine, thank you so much for
coming on. We always like having you here. And I
just want to encourage people to check out your podcast.
(24:41):
It's called You Need Therapy. And I listened to an
episode the other day on attachment disorder. I thought it
was really good and that what you call it, Well,
it was just on the theory, but yeah, okay, you
can mind about that from that, but on the theory,
the theory of attachment attack, the theory of attachment. Yes, okay,
(25:01):
I guess I just told my husband after I listen
to it, I'm like, I have attachment disorder. So is that?
What is that what it's called? No, it's attachment So
attachment theory. It's like the theory that kind of like
I work from. But there is something called attachment disorder
which comes from that theory. So that's why it's confusing.
Oh okay, well whatever, I have attachment issues. We'll say that.
(25:26):
And the podcast was great but I think you have
some great stuff up there, so I encourage people to
check it out. The podcast again, is You Need Therapy,
and then on Instagram at three Chords Therapy. Thank you
so much. I appreciate you and we'll talk to you
next time, all right, Thank you,
Hey guys, this is Chase. Amy's going to be out
this week, So today you'll be hearing a popular rerun
of a previous Fifth Thing episode. But I did want
to let you know that this Thursday will include a
new episode of Four Things, guest hosted by Amy's friend Kat,
who also happens to be the host of the podcast
You need Therapy. To make sure to check that out.
And with that, here is today's Fifth Thing. Happy Tuesday, everybody.
(00:29):
I have two people that will be on today's Q
and A episode. I've got Chase on with me right
now because I need to run one of the questions
by him to see what he thinks. Hey, Chase, to
hear what this is. Well, I mean, you don't be nervous.
But also Katherine Defatah, who's a therapist that we've had
on the podcast before at three Chords Therapy, will be
(00:51):
on to go over some of the emails because I
thought I would like her wisdom to answer them. So
I just appreciate y'all's email so much. Remember you can
send them to four Things with Amy Brown at gmail
dot com and put Q and A or Fifth Thing
in the subject line, because that's what we call Tuesday's episode,
and we also start Tuesday's episodes off with a quote,
(01:14):
and I decided to use one that I saw on
Catherine's Instagram. Here's what it said. Sometimes running with perseverance
is a sprint, and sometimes it's taking the next step
at three Chords therapy shout out. I thought that was
really good. That's good because sometimes we may need that
(01:35):
reminder that doesn't mean just because you're persevering that you're
taking on this crazy thing. It reminds me also too,
of the whole how do you eat an elephant? Thing? Right?
So love that, and then Catherine will be on next.
But let me get to the question that I want
(01:56):
to go over since I've got Chase on the phone. Now, Okay, ready,
Chase ye. This one's from Brittany. Hey. Amy, this is
not exactly a question, more of a proposal. I was
wondering if I could come on the podcast and interview you.
I was on a run listening to the four Things
Tuesday episode per usual, and I could not just pick
(02:16):
one question to ask. I have so many. When did
you discover your calling and was it obvious or did
it become clear with time? When did you really immerse
yourself with entrepreneurship and how did you start, etcetera, etcetera.
I know this is nuts, but I figure I have
nothing to lose, and if anything, I just want you
to know that your Outweigh podcast series four Things with
(02:37):
Amy Brown and being on the Bobby Bones Show has
really changed my life. I consider us friends, even though
you don't have any idea who I am. And I
think I said her name was Brittany and I need
to correct that it's Brittley. Yeah, Brittley. I think I
think I'm saying that correctly. So okay, first of all, wow,
changed life. Heavy statement there. Also, we are friends. No,
(03:01):
we don't know each other, know each other. But if
if you're listening to the the podcast, consider your friend. But Chase,
what do you think about making Brittley next Tuesday's Q
and A? But she's on asking me the questions? Okay,
Two things. One shout out Brittley for being like forward
and just going for it and asking kind of what
(03:22):
you were thinking and putting the idea out that you
had sicking off. I think it's an awesome idea, okay.
And you had no idea that I was going to
share this one with you. So I wanted you genuine
reaction of if you thought it was good. But I mean,
I was thinking that you would think it was because
I wouldn't put brittley on blast and you'd be like, oh,
that's an awful idea. We're not going to do it.
(03:45):
As someone who's had the privilege to interview, and here
you be interviewed. It's one of my favorite things. I
obviously love all the interviews you do that. I think
sometimes when things get flipped like this, it's it's so
awesome and special, and I think that's a great idea. Okay,
so I'll let Bertley know and next Tuesday will flip
the script and she'll basically be hosting the Q and
(04:07):
A episode and asking me the questions. Okay, well, there
you go. That's all I need to be four Chase.
I appreciate you. I hope you have a good day. Okay.
Katherine's on the phone now. Hey Catherine, Hi, thank you
for coming back on. I always appreciate when you come
on and help me out with things at times, working
through stuff. So I've got an email here. I'm not
(04:29):
gonna say your name. I'm just going to say that
it's from a hurt stepmom and that's the title. So
I'll read the email and then we can talk about it. Hey, Amy,
I'm forty seven and never had my own children. My
body wouldn't allow me to every Mother'sday. My ex husband,
stepson's and stepson's mom always acknowledged me gifts, pampering, and
the best gift of all being acknowledged. That marriage ended
(04:50):
after ten years, I'm still a part of my stepson's lives.
We see each other, we text and call. Both of
them to this day still reach out to me on
Mother's Day and every holiday. I'm remarried and have been
with my husband for ten years. He too had a
son when we met. I absolutely adore my quote new stepson.
He is now eighteen, graduating from high school and joining
(05:11):
the Marines the day after graduation. He also lives with us.
Every Mother's Day. For the past nine years, I get
no acknowledgment from my husband or my stepson's mom. My
stepson did walk by me this year and said Happy
Mother's Day as he went to the bathroom. That was it.
The lack of acknowledgement on Mother's Day has broken my heart.
I've only told one person my feelings on this. She
(05:33):
thinks I need to bring it up to my husband,
but I don't want to be like, hey, celebrate me
and sound selfish. Am I wrong in being broken hearted?
She sounds to me like I don't know. We don't
know anything about her other than this email. But I
know that I had a stepmom for gosh, over twenty
years of my life, and I was not close to her.
(05:54):
In fact, to other people, I didn't even say stepmom,
I said my dad's wife. And while we all try
to be close and seemed close like, it just wasn't
that I didn't feel that connection with her. I really
don't think she would have cared if we acknowledged her
on Mother's Day or not. I don't really think we did.
I can't even remember, but I legit don't think that
we did celebrate her on Mother's Day. But I don't
(06:15):
think she's also She's also wasn't the type of person
that would send this email and have her feelings about it.
So I just know that that was the dynamic of
my family. Now she clearly has a different dynamic, at
least in her head what things should look like. And
let's answer her question, and I know that you're going
to say, probably, no feelings are wrong. Um so but
(06:39):
is she she's asking, is it wrong that my I'm
feeling heartbroken? Yeah, well you're right, because that was the
first thing I was going to say, is yeah, you're
never wrong for feeling something. I think where we get
into trouble is what we decided to do with the
feeling because we can't help the feeling we have, and
so what ends up happening is to me, it sounds
(07:00):
like they're like expectations that might be there just based
on the first experience she had where her family just
like kind of like pulled her in as as like
a mom, like the mom she wanted to be, and
so those expectations maybe have like fallen into this new
family system. And one thing that I know about expectations
is they are also resentment waiting to happen, which is
(07:23):
where I kind of see her now in the space
where she's it's almost building resentment because nobody's acknowledged her.
But I'm not sure if they know that. I guess
my question would be like, do they know that that's
important to you and that you would want that? No,
I mean that's another question that she had. She said
she talked to and one other person about this, and
that person said that she needs to bring it up
(07:43):
to her husband, but she doesn't want to come across
as selfish, right yeah, right. Which the other part is
what part of I would wonder, like, what part of
because when she's you said, celebrate me, I think we
have this feeling that we shouldn't want that. But that's
pretty much a I think everybody likes to feel celebrated.
(08:04):
And I'm sure she is dealing stuff for this family
like her stepson, he should say that. What did she say,
he's like my own? I love him like my own?
Did she do I make that up? I don't know
if you so, Actually he's doing My mom likes me,
and there's like we can't help it if we that's
always feels good. It's so I think I would wonder, like, one,
(08:26):
what are you asking for? To me? It sounds like
she's asking to be acknowledged for the part of the
family that she is and just to be looked and
that's okay, Like it's okay to be celebrated. I just
with one that does her husband and does a stepson
and the stepsons mom have any idea that this is
hurting her umause I want to interject on the stepson's
(08:48):
mom thing. I think agree with you that her first
marriage set up the expectation that the other mom should
be celebrating her on Mother's Day, because I didn't. I definitely,
although I can't remember if I ever celebrated my dad's
wife on Mother's Day. No, my mom didn't, so like, well, right,
(09:10):
but but not that that's wrong for her to want that,
But that makes more sense to me to be like, hey,
we kind of need to set down that expectation. Just
maybe tuck that one away, because that just seemed like
something really special you had going on with your first marriage.
But don't set down the expectation of getting acknowledgment from
(09:31):
your stepson and your husband. Yeah, well, because I'm sure
that there who knows the story around the SEPs mom,
like he knows both of this, but we don't know that,
so we don't have all the information. But yeah, the
mom might not have be in a place that she's
able to do that at all, even if you were
asked for it. And that does sound something like something
really rare, but you do people like your immediate family,
(09:58):
So I would encourage somebody like that to express themselves.
I always say it's our job to train people how
to treat us. And if we don't say people how
to treat us, we just have all these expectations and
it's almost like we want everybody to be a mind reader,
but like, how many mind readers do you actually know?
I don't know any, And so that's not fair to
us because we don't get our needs met, and it's
(10:18):
not fair to people in relationships with because a lot
of times there's just like clueless and all they need
to say to hey, like this, see what's going on?
And most of the time, not every time, but at
the time, oh, I had no idea, like I will
be better at that. And then that way, once you
know it's communicated, maybe it won't repeat the pattern next
Mother's Day and the following Mother's Day. That we can
(10:40):
just go ahead and put an end to it. Now. Yeah,
I mean, I think if you communicate that to someone,
whether it's in this applies to anybody if this is
not your scenario. We all have at times expectations and
all have been let down at some point. So when
you're having to communicate to somebody what you're feeling and
what you would like, and then it still doesn't happen. Well,
(11:01):
then it's valid to feel that way, and well, maybe
it's not the right way to put it because your
other feelings are also valid. But you have to give
the other person a fair shot. And if if you don't,
if it ends up being that theneeds are still not met,
then there's a whole other process for that, and that
would look more of like grieving something that doesn't that
isn't possible, but we don't know it's not possible yet. Yeah,
(11:24):
we need to get we need to have the talk
first and then wait for next Mother's Day to roll around. Yeah.
And the other part that I would say too is
I think a lot of times we forget, like or
what we want to get in the way of what
we really want. So for her, what she wants, what
sounds like just to be acknowledged and seen as a
mother's figure and just like an important part of the family,
(11:46):
what is getting in a way is because she wants
them to do it without her asking, and so that's
what she wants, Like I just want them to acknowledge
me without asking, you know, without having to say something.
But that's getting in the way of what you really want.
And that is for any buddy that is making any
kind of decision of looking at if there's something you
want more, so I want them to acknowledge me without asking.
(12:07):
But if there's something you want more, yeah, I just
want to be acknowledged. Okay, Well let's look at that
and put that other things to the side. And and
a good example to explain that. In another scenario, Lily talk.
This was explained to me years ago. But some guy
was looking at an apartment that he wanted in Chicago
and it was like skyscraper, like the best apartment he
could have ever dreamed of. And he asked his like
(12:29):
financial advisor, like, hey, can I afford this? Financial adis said, yeah,
you can, like totally afford this, But let me ask
you before you decide that you're going to do this,
is there something you want more? And he was like,
what do you mean? And if there was there anything
else you want to do with this money? Because you
can afford this, but then there's other things you won't
be able to have, and so he was like, well,
I want to go on trips with my family and
(12:51):
I wanted he made a list of things, and so
he was like, Okay, those are the things you want
more so maybe you don't get the apartment. And I
think that's a good example and a good story to
look at when we're making a lot of decisions of Okay,
what do I want, and then what do I want?
More than that? Right here, it's I just want to
be seen and acknowledged and love and celebrated. I hope
(13:12):
that that that helped to this hurt step mom, and
I emailed her to let her know that we're gonna
be talking about it so she'll be listening to this
episode to hear what you had to say. Catherine. Yeah,
I just want you to know feeling that way is
not selfish and you do deserve to be celebrated. And
I hope that it works out and keep us posted.
(13:40):
The next question I have is from Audre hey Amy.
My question relates to wedding planning and making things special
during this time of change. My fiance and I are
getting married June and have decided that we're going to
go ahead and get married no matter what happens. However,
it's really been hard to deal with the stress and
uncertainty of not knowing what things will look like for
our wet day as we just don't really know if
(14:02):
we're gonna be able to have a reception or not,
or even more important, if more than just our immediate
families will be able to attend our wedding ceremony in
our church. Do you have any tips or suggestions on
how to have peace with everything, or on how we
can make things special even if we weren't able to
do things as planned, maybe having a backyard mini gathering
with social distancing or something where we can still see
(14:25):
and celebrate with family and friends, if we can all
celebrate together as normal and audre I feel like the
last sentence are However, if you were phrasing that as
a question to me, if maybe that's what you should
do of this email sounds perfect. I have a few
more thoughts on this, and I know that Katherine does too.
But yeah, maybe your reception does have to morph into
(14:48):
a backyard social distancing barbecue. But at least you're with
the people that you love and you know they love you,
and you're all together and making the best of these
crazy to times, and then you can circle back and
do something later when there's a little more certainty if
you want to. But it's it's such a special time
(15:09):
and I love that you're still moving forward with it
no matter what, and you and you're soon to be
new husband are going to be I don't want to
say better for it, because I really don't know, but
I feel like this is an opportunity where you all
are already facing a little bit of a challenge right
out of the gate, and how you handle it could
kind of set the stage for how you handle things
(15:32):
thrown your way when you're married. Yeah, And I think
a lot of people are going I'm glad you are
bringing this question up in particularly because I think so
many people are going through this right now and really
don't know what like the right decision is. Do I
wait a year and get married, Do I go ahead
and have a small thing and then have a bigger
one later, or do I just do a small thing
and not do anything else. But there, I mean, there's
(15:52):
so many questions, and I don't think there's a right answer.
I think there is just like the best decision for
each person. I know that I have. I was supposed
to be in three I think it's three weddings in
the past. Will June six will be the third one.
So in the past three months of specif be in
three weddings, it all got shifted into something now, and
each person decided to do something a little different. And
(16:14):
I think one of the most important things for each
of them was to remember, like, we're getting married. We're
getting married, and that's what's happening. The wedding is a thing.
But if we forget that, like the wedding, isn't the
marriage a lot? And so it takes some of the
excitement away, But it's like you're still getting married, like
joining your life with somebody, which is always, always, always special.
(16:35):
Just think of it as its own thing. It's a
new own thing. It is not the wedding you had planned.
To kind of get out of the space of thinking
that this is a less down because it's not. You're
still having this huge experience. And so you just get
to choose on what you focus on, whether it's the
things you can do or the things you can't. And
there's a lot of stuff you can still do. I
(16:56):
would ask, is what's the most important, Like if the
backyard mini gad or, and it's like, is it most
important for you to have and see some of the
people in your life, like, okay, well then let's do something.
Think about what you can do around that. Is it
having being able to like still have things like the
first dance or like throwing a bouquet or stuff like
is that important? I know that a lot of people
(17:16):
will too. So far, they've done a Facebook live, which
I think is cool because you can invite it's you
can make a private and just invite whoever you want
to it and then they can watch it and like
comment and stuff, and they I think they can even
video themselves as they watch it, and then you can
watch it back and see what everybody kind of has
said during the ceremony, so it's like they all kind
of get to be there. We did that for my
(17:37):
little brother got married last weekend actually, and I I
videos Facebook live did it. Yeah. I had the camera
sideways for like the videos, so I didn't know that
you can't like you have to have the camera up right,
So half of the ceremony was sideways, but we still
did it. But yeah, like, think about what you want
to do. So one of my friends we did and
(17:58):
like there's like six of us after none of her
family could come and so they did the Facebook live
and then none of us went to the ceremony except
I think two people. And then we did like a
backyard celebration where we surprised her with a cake and
champagne and we had our throw who bouquet still and
we sent them off with sparklers in the middle of
our driveway at like I think it was like two
(18:18):
o'clock in the afternoon, but we still like set him
off and had a random guy was walking past the
house and came in videotaped it for her, so she
has to send off video. So there's tons of things
you can do. You just have to be super creative.
I think you just have to. You were saying when
you first started talking about it, Catherine, just separate the
(18:40):
marriage from the wedding and focus on what is it
that you really want and go ahead and do that
if that. If that's what you want at the moment,
it's fine, and then you can do the wedding stuff later.
Sure it's not how things have always been or not.
(19:00):
You know what probably happened for your sister or your
best friend or who got to have the normal wedding
that they've been dreaming of. But nothing has been normal
about this year, and who knows what the new normal
will be, but we will be able to all gather
again together one day and celebrate. So yeah, if you
(19:21):
want to go ahead and do the thing, keep the date,
make the marriage the real deal, get the certificate, then
do it and then you can always celebrate however you
want to. Maybe on your year anniversary. I feel like
there's gonna be a lot of that going on or
something like that, or maybe who knows what you would
(19:41):
have spent on a wedding and maybe go spend it
on something else. But I mean a lot of people
I know have put deposits down for everything and it's
really hard to get it back. So that's not lost
on me one bit. So that may not actually be feasible.
But anyway, just know that you're not alone and whatever
you decide to do is going to be awesome and
(20:02):
y'all will look back on it and be like, WHOA
remember that crazy time we got during coronavirus. It's like
I would ask, since this is happening kind of pretty often,
I would ask people that you know that I've done it, like, hey,
what did you like and what didn't you like? Did
you have any ideas or there are things that you
wish you would have done and get some feedback from people.
(20:23):
And then again, it's your wedding, so it's like that's
always what kind of like it said, It's like you
get to decide. It's your wedding. It's still your wedding
in your marriage, so you get to decide do you
want to have a backrouard barbecue? Do you want to
have a parade and all people that could have come
to your wedding to drive by your house and wait,
like what do you want to do? Like you get
to decide. It's you're the bride, and that's kind of
(20:45):
how it gets to be for that day. Yeah, well, Catherine,
I'll keep you on for this third question, although it
doesn't really need much wisdom from like a therapist perspective,
but you may have thoughts. This one's from Susannah. Hey, Amy,
I live in floor and I'm in the sun constantly.
Can you let me know about a good sunscreen that
I can wear out on the boat for under my
(21:06):
makeup that's not really oily. I'm obsessed with the neutrogena
for the rest of my body, but it's way too
oily on my face, and it makes me break out
almost every time. So, Susannah, what I use on my face,
which I love, is in teleshade and it's by revision.
It's in a black tube. I have it on my
Amazon page and go to radio Amy dot com and
(21:26):
click on Amazon and then under beauty and it's tinted,
so I wear it as my makeup and sunscreen as
like SPF forty five, and then I just put a
little powder on top to take away the shine. There's
original and Matt. I only had the original on Amazon
because I don't know, I couldn't find the mat to
add on there for you. But what I do is
(21:47):
I bought the original and the mat and I mix
like a squirt of each because to me, the Matt
is too Matt. And then the original is fine, but
it is a little shiny at times. But again, like
I said, you can just put a little powder on top.
It does not break me out. And then again, since
it's tinted, it is my makeup. I just wear that
and then the powder and good to go. And a
(22:07):
lot of my friends use this. It's a little bit
on the pricey side, but it does last a long time.
It takes me a long time to go through a tube,
especially since I use two tubes, the mat and the original.
It really takes me forever. And you don't need much. Yeah.
I love using a beauty blender to to like a
damp one. Do you use a beauty blender, Katherine, No,
(22:29):
I have. I probably should update all of my makeup brushes.
I have this really cool makeup brush that I got
from Beauty Counter. I've had it for like three years.
What does it do well? I mean, it's just like
it's because the beauty blender. Is that not just like
to blend in your foundation and stuff? Right? Yeah, so
you get it, You run it under homewater, get it wet,
and then squeeze it out and then it blends. Like
(22:49):
to me, it's the if I put the intelishate on
with my fingers, I can see a major difference. If
I were to blend it in with beauty blender, it
just blends in so much better. Oh yeah, mine tie
a buffer like foundation brush. So I should probably jump
on the beauty blender train. Actually yeah, I mean I
feel like I'm late to things, and I was a
way late to the beauty blenders. So you're like really late.
(23:11):
Really yeah, I'm gonna need to send you one. But
that's what I recommend for you, Susannah, if you're out
in the sun, and yeah, put that sunscreen on. Katherine,
what you have? What what skin type is? Yours? Fair?
Are all in well but complex? Yeah, like all of
(23:33):
the Oh wow, okay, you're lucky. Like I'm fair. I
have to wear sunscreen all the time or I burned,
but I still need I need to wear sunscreen. I
Actually that just was making me think because I was
working in my yards today and I put on nea
and now I'm like, oh, shoot, am I going to
break out? No? No, no, no no. That's one thing
that I know for sure is every single person's skin
(23:55):
reacts differently to every product. So I even get notes
from people sometime I want to know your exact skin routine,
and I'm like, well, shoot, I'm happy to post it.
But it took me a while to even figure out exactly.
Like my girl Carry the Nashville Beauty Girl that helps
me with it, Like she had to do several different
things to get me to wear like the original skin
(24:18):
routine she gave me. It broke me out really bad
and it's what she uses on a lot of people
that and they love it, but it wasn't right for me.
So I always get nervous like telling people because I'm like, well, shoot,
I don't know for sure if this is good for
them every day. Well, Catherine, thank you so much for
coming on. We always like having you here. And I
just want to encourage people to check out your podcast.
(24:41):
It's called You Need Therapy. And I listened to an
episode the other day on attachment disorder. I thought it
was really good and that what you call it, Well,
it was just on the theory, but yeah, okay, you
can mind about that from that, but on the theory,
the theory of attachment attack, the theory of attachment. Yes, okay,
(25:01):
I guess I just told my husband after I listen
to it, I'm like, I have attachment disorder. So is that?
What is that what it's called? No, it's attachment So
attachment theory. It's like the theory that kind of like
I work from. But there is something called attachment disorder
which comes from that theory. So that's why it's confusing.
Oh okay, well whatever, I have attachment issues. We'll say that.
(25:26):
And the podcast was great but I think you have
some great stuff up there, so I encourage people to
check it out. The podcast again, is You Need Therapy,
and then on Instagram at three Chords Therapy. Thank you
so much. I appreciate you and we'll talk to you
next time, all right, Thank you,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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