February 6, 2026 • 18 mins
Why are brothers and sisters so annoying? Why do siblings often look a lot alike? Why do siblings fight? Can your sister be your best friend? Why do we fight with our siblings even if we love them? But Why takes a look at the sibling relationship with Susan Dominus, author of The Family Dynamic.
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Jane (00:20):
This is But Why
Public. I'm Jane Lindholm. Onthis show, we take questions
from curious kids just like you,and we find answers. Today we're
talking about a very specialfamily relationship, potentially
one of the longest relationshipssome of you will ever have in
your lifetime (00:38):
the sibling relationship. That's right,
today we're talking aboutbrothers and sisters and all the
different kinds of siblings youmight have. Love them or hate
them, they can be an integralpart of your early life and
shape who you become. Noteveryone has a sibling, and
that's great! But in the UnitedStates, 80% of people have at
least one, and while there's alot of focus on the influence
(01:01):
parents have on who we become,studies suggest siblings can
have even more of an impact onour development. But before we
dig into that, first a veryimportant question.
Taylor (01:14):
Hi, I'm Taylor, and I'm five, from Melbourne, and how do
brothers and sisters turn tobrothers and sisters?
Jane (01:23):
Your brothers and sisters are your siblings. And siblings
are children in the same familywho share at least one parent.
So you get your siblings whenyour parent or parents decide to
add you or another child to thefamily. Sometimes that's through
birth or adoption. You can alsohave siblings that you only
share one parent with. Sometimespeople call this a half-sibling,
(01:47):
which is kind of funny, becausethey're definitely a full
person. And you can getstepsiblings if one of your
parents marries someone whoalready has kids. Some families
care for kids temporarilythrough foster care or other
arrangements. And those kids canalso be your siblings, even if
they only live with you for ashort time. There are a lot of
different kinds of families, andso there are actually a lot of
(02:09):
ways to get a sibling. Researchshows, though, whether your
sibling is your step, half, orfull sibling, they can still
have an impact on yourdevelopment. Interestingly
enough, most studies of siblingrelationships don't even
differentiate between the kindsof siblings.
Charlotte (02:27):
I'm Charlotte, and I'm five years old. I live in
London, Ontario, Canada, and myquestion is, why do brothers and
sisters look a lot alike?
Jane (02:38):
Sometimes siblings look a lot alike, and sometimes they
don't look alike at all!Sometimes you look alike because
you share genetic material withyour siblings. You get half your
genes from a male biologicalparent and half from a female,
but the genes you get arerandomly assigned, so siblings
can get different combinations,and some traits are more
heritable--more easily passeddown--than others. There are
(03:02):
also environmental influences,both in your genetics and in how
you choose to look. Maybe youand your siblings dress
similarly or make the samefacial expressions or say the
same kind of things because youlive together. So your
similarities are not justgenetic. And sometimes we try
our absolute hardest to look andbehave nothing like our
(03:22):
siblings! So you and yoursiblings might look a lot alike,
or you might look verydifferent, whether you share DNA
or not.
When I was a kid, people used tosee me out with my stepfather,
and they'd sometimes stop us andtell us how much we looked
alike. We always smiled and saidthank you. But then we kind of
giggled a little bit afterwards,because we aren't biologically
(03:43):
related at all. But we did spenda lot of time together when I
was a kid, so it kind of makessense that we would look alike.
And your genetics certainlydon't define how you feel about
your family or how much theylove you. Beyond the story of
how you got your siblings orwhether or not you look alike,
(04:04):
your siblings can have a bigimpact on who you become. One
author we know has spent a lotof time thinking about and
researching why that is. So wecalled her up to talk a little
bit about what she's learned.Susan Dominus writes for The New
York Times Magazine, and one ofher books is called The Family
Dynamic.
Susan Dominus (04:22):
I actually started off thinking about how
to write a book about howparents help their kids dream
big and go about achieving thosedreams. I was really interested
in parents who encouraged theirkids to think they could change
the world. When I startedreporting the book, what I was
hearing from these, you know,incredible siblings from
(04:43):
families like this, althoughthey talked about their parents,
they also talked about the waytheir siblings helped them get
to the point that they weretrying to reach. And I realized
that that was kind of anunderappreciated piece of the
puzzle in general, when peoplethink about how people become
who they are.
Jane (05:00):
And what did you find from the families that you
interviewed?
Susan Dominus (05:04):
Well, I think I found often that the parents
were the ones who were maybesetting a tone in the family and
setting--maybe they wereinspiring people themselves in
some not necessarily famous way,but a way that was really
meaningful to the kids, youknow, maybe they had immigrated
from afar, a country overseas,and had built new lives so their
kids could have betteropportunities, or maybe they had
(05:26):
overcome racial stereotypes inorder to succeed, and at times
where the world was not reallyconspiring to help them do that,
but the siblings, it turned out,were often very helpful in
giving logistical advice andpointing them in the right
directions. And older siblingscan really guide the way for
(05:47):
younger siblings, because theyunderstand how the school works,
they've looked at their friendsand seen what worked for them,
and they can pass thatinformation down. And sometimes
kids, especially teenagers,would much rather have advice
from a sibling, even a siblingthat they sometimes fight with,
they'd still rather have thatadvice come from a sibling than
a parent, because teenagersreally don't like to do what
(06:10):
their parents want them to do alot of the time.
Jane (06:13):
Research into siblings backs up what Susan Dominus
found in her reporting. Siblingsare family, but they're also
kind of like a peer or friendrelationship. You learn how to
get along with people bylearning how to get along with
your sibling with the safetythat they'll always still be
your sibling. But that doesn'tnecessarily mean it's easy. We
have a question from Julia.
Julia (06:34):
I am nine years old. I live in Tarragona, Spain, and my
question is, why do I fight withmy sister if I love her?
Susan Dominus (06:44):
I think that sibling tensions are very, very
natural. And, you know, I don'tknow this is the kind of thing
you can prove, but evolutionarybiologists would say it really
all comes down to resources, ora feeling of resources. It's
hard to avoid the feeling that,you know, love is a pie, and
(07:04):
that the bigger your sister'sslice is, that means the smaller
yours is. But one of my favoriteshort story collections is
called Love is Not a Pie,meaning it doesn't deplete. You
know, if you give some to oneperson, it doesn't mean there's
not enough for the other person.And so I think part of getting
older is realizing that there'senough to go around. But I also
(07:27):
think that siblings are tryingto differentiate from each
other, and that also it's justunfortunate for siblings that
people tend to compare them, andI think that puts people kids,
especially in an uncomfortableplace sometimes.
Jane (07:43):
I love that. Susan mentioned the short story, Love
is Not a Pie. It's one of myfavorite short stories (written
for adults), but also theauthor, Amy Bloom, was on our
show several years ago in anepisode called "How does it feel
when your family changes?" Youmight enjoy listening to that
one. And research has shown thathaving a younger sibling teaches
(08:05):
older siblings things likeempathy--hat's the ability to
understand how someone elsemight be feeling--and to work on
social skills like sharing andplaying.
Coming up (08:14):
if having siblings is so great, why do they drive you
nuts?
BREAK (08:19):
BREAK
Nagore (08:21):
This is But Why, from Vermont Public. I'm Jane
Lindholm. We're learning aboutbrothers and sisters and
siblings. Today we're speakingwith Susan Dominus. She wrote a
book about families wheremultiple siblings did big things
as teenagers and adults. Shewanted to know what was
happening in those families thatled to the children becoming
what are sometimes called highachievers. The book is called
(08:42):
The Family Dynamic. It's a bookwritten for adults, but Susan
likes thinking about and talkingwith kids, too, so she was
excited to answer yourquestions. Here's one we got
from a lot of you.
I'm Nagore. I'm 10 years old,and I live in Colombia, close to
Bogota. Why don't siblings getalong perfectly?
Marin (09:05):
Hi, my name is Marin. I'm eight years old, and I live in
Garrett, Indiana, and myquestion is, why do siblings
fight a lot?
Phoebe (09:17):
Hi, my name is Phoebe. I live in Barbadoes. I am six
years old. Why are littlesisters and brothers so
annoying? And goodbye.
Ruby (09:27):
My name is Ruby. I'm seven years old. I live in Fair Oaks,
California. My question is, whyare brothers and sisters so
annoying? [Annoying littlebrother noises]
Unknown (09:44):
[Laughs] I think it is a little bit of just a question
of proximity. You know what Imean? Even roommates who live
together often, there are, youknow, they start to get on each
other's nerves. There's just somany little choices and tasks
and interactions that happenover the course of the day. I
think, with siblings, it's evenmore complicated, because your
(10:05):
sibling is just enough like you,maybe, that you think that you
should get along perfectly, butsiblings actually are also just
different enough that they'regoing to have different points
of view, different tastes,different personalities. And I
think that sometimes we feelwhat's known as cognitive
dissonance when we look atsomeone and say, "You're my
sibling, you might even looklike me. Why is it that you, of
(10:27):
all people, don't see things theway that I do?" And I think that
can be really frustrating andsurprising to us, maybe.
Jane (10:35):
Your siblings are learning to have a relationship with
their peers through theirrelationship with you and any
other siblings. Often that meanstesting out new strategies,
whether they realize that's whatthey're doing or not. So maybe
they're making an annoying noiseand waiting to see your
reaction. If you think it'sfunny, maybe they'll try that
noise with their friends. If youthink it's annoying, well, maybe
(10:57):
they'll learn. Of course, it'salso totally possible they're
just doing it to annoy you, andif you show you're annoyed, they
might do it again.
Do sibling sibling relationshipsand the effect of having a
sibling tend to flow from theoldest sibling down to the
youngest? Does the oldestsibling always set the tone or
(11:18):
always create the conflict oralways create the support to
help another sibling succeed? Orcan it be mixed, depending on,
you know, where you fall in thefamily?
Unknown (11:28):
Even at a young age, we do know that there is something
called a sibling spillovereffect, and what that finds is
that when one sibling startsdoing better in school, the
other siblings do as well, andthere's a kind of complicated
way that they were able tofigure out that it's not because
of how their parenting, youknow, has been changed, or
(11:52):
because of some genetic overlap.I won't bore you with the
details, but scientists werevery clever about how to do a
study that separated that out sothey can really see that no, no,
it's the way that the sibling isbehaving that's changing the
other sibling. And those effectscan actually work in both
directions. They can go older toyounger, but also younger to
older. I think even the olderyou get, the less the age of the
(12:16):
siblings matters. You know, wheneverybody's out there in the
world and they're doing theirown thing, that's when you
really see, often, a kind ofnetwork effect of siblings who
are helping each other. Because,you know, when you're 36 years
old, it doesn't matter if your32-year-old sister is the person
who makes that introduction foryou or gives you advice.
Jane (12:36):
Does that work for things like musical instruments and
playing sports too, or just inschool?
Unknown (12:42):
There's not tons of research about that, but I would
assume it works for all kinds ofthings. You know, there's like a
fun fact (12:48):
There are some researchers who have been trying
to make the case that youngersiblings are over-represented,
actually, in sports, and that'sbecause of this idea of
differentiation, because theoldest sibling, for various
reasons, maybe because theparents put the most pressure on
them, that's what some researchsuggests, but the oldest
siblings tend to be the mostacademically strong, and so then
(13:11):
younger siblings think, "Well,I'm not going to be able to own
that, so I'm going to insteadthrow myself into sports." It's
not like we think that they'rebiologically more athletic for
some reason. It just seems to bea choice in how they invest
their energy.
Jane (13:26):
Parents have an effect on cognitive development--brain
development--of their oldestkids, because they often spend
the most one on one time withtheir eldest child. There are no
other kids to compete for theirattention. But those benefits
are then passed down to theyounger children by that eldest
child, especially aroundliteracy, reading. Older
siblings looking at books withtheir younger siblings can help
(13:48):
them learn to read. And theeldest's own reading ability is
improved by spending that timereading with their younger
siblings. But are there limitsto the sibling relationship?
Akira (13:59):
My name is Akira, and I'm six years old, and I'm from
Japan, and my question is, canmy sister be my best friend?
Unknown (14:11):
I mean, when that works, it's the greatest thing
ever. I can tell you that mysister is probably my best
friend. And we have...we arereally different. In fact, we
look so different that when wewere little, somebody once put
my sister in one room and me inanother room, and these kids
grilled us on what our father'smiddle name was and things like
(14:32):
that, because they couldn'tbelieve we were sisters. And we
have fought plenty over theyears. And I'll tell you a
little secret (14:37):
we still fight sometimes. But she's also my
best friend, and I feel so luckyevery day that she was the
person plunked into my familyalong with me. And, in fact, I
even moved around the cornerfrom my sister when I was trying
to figure out where to land withmy husband before we even had a
family.
Jane (14:55):
Sibling dynamics tend to change as kids get older, and
the kids who are older start toallow younger siblings more
power in the relationship. Thatshift can be messy, but it's
important to developing therelationship that will exist
throughout your adulthood. InSusan's book, she wrote about
how siblings will often pusheach other to be better people.
They can compete with each otherand make each other better.
Unknown (15:16):
So for example, I wrote about the Holifield family,
which is a sibling of civilrights activists who came out of
Tallahassee, Florida at a timewhen it was really hard to be a
young Black person in thiscountry. You know, one of the
siblings, when she was only 16years old, decided that she was
going to be one of the onlythree kids who were Black who
desegregated the biggest, besthigh school in the capital of
(15:40):
Florida, which was the last ofall of the states, apparently,
to integrate.
Jane (15:45):
Integration was bringing together Black and white
students into the same schools.This was happening in the 1950s
and 1960s. Students wereeducated separately before that
because of racism and racistlaws.
Unknown (15:58):
And her older brother, Bishop, said he looked at her
and thought, "Wow, she's reallyset the bar really high, and now
I want to honor that and live upto it." And when he got to law
school at Harvard, he startedthe Black Law Students
Association, which was one ofthe first kind of groups like
that on any any law school. Andit was hugely influential. He
(16:21):
helped bring the first Black lawprofessors to Harvard Law
School. Then other schoolsfollowed suit. And so there's
all kinds of ways that siblingscan inspire each other and
really go on to do great things.
Susan, what if you don't have asibling?
It's funny. I just had dinnerlast night with a young woman
who is an only child, and shewas telling me that she kind of
(16:43):
instinctively became friendlywith lots of lots of young women
her age, and almost woulddescribe many of those friends
like a sister. And I think, insome ways, to have a friend
who's like a sister, but withall the baggage of actually
being a sister, hey, that'slike, that's maybe even the best
case scenario. There are reallyspecial things about having a
sibling, but there are alsoreally special things about
(17:06):
being an only child and havingyour parents' undivided
attention and not ever beingcompared to anybody else, not
having to deal with theday-to-day irritations of maybe
sharing a room or sharing abathroom, waiting your turn. I
think there are a lot oftensions in life that are very
painful, from which you'rereally completely liberated.
Jane (17:28):
Whatever your relationship with your siblings, or if you
are the only child in yourfamily, your relationships with
your family shape your future inimportant ways. There's no wrong
or right way to have a family.
That's it for this episode. Asalways, if you have a question
about anything, have an adultrecord you asking it on a
smartphone using an app likeVoice Memos. Then have your
(17:50):
adult email the file toquestions@butwhykids.org. Our
show is produced by Sarah Baik,Melody Bodette and me, Jane
Lindholm, at Vermont Public anddistributed by PRX. Our video
producer is Joey Palumbo, andour theme music is by Luke
Reynolds. If you like our show,please have your adults help you
give us a thumbs up or a reviewon whatever podcast platform you
(18:12):
use to listen to us. It helpsother kids and families find us.
We'll be back in two weeks withan all new episode. Until then,
stay curious!
This is But Why
Public. I'm Jane Lindholm. Onthis show, we take questions
from curious kids just like you,and we find answers. Today we're
talking about a very specialfamily relationship, potentially
one of the longest relationshipssome of you will ever have in
your lifetime (00:38):
the sibling relationship. That's right,
today we're talking aboutbrothers and sisters and all the
different kinds of siblings youmight have. Love them or hate
them, they can be an integralpart of your early life and
shape who you become. Noteveryone has a sibling, and
that's great! But in the UnitedStates, 80% of people have at
least one, and while there's alot of focus on the influence
(01:01):
parents have on who we become,studies suggest siblings can
have even more of an impact onour development. But before we
dig into that, first a veryimportant question.
Taylor (01:14):
Hi, I'm Taylor, and I'm five, from Melbourne, and how do
brothers and sisters turn tobrothers and sisters?
Jane (01:23):
Your brothers and sisters are your siblings. And siblings
are children in the same familywho share at least one parent.
So you get your siblings whenyour parent or parents decide to
add you or another child to thefamily. Sometimes that's through
birth or adoption. You can alsohave siblings that you only
share one parent with. Sometimespeople call this a half-sibling,
(01:47):
which is kind of funny, becausethey're definitely a full
person. And you can getstepsiblings if one of your
parents marries someone whoalready has kids. Some families
care for kids temporarilythrough foster care or other
arrangements. And those kids canalso be your siblings, even if
they only live with you for ashort time. There are a lot of
different kinds of families, andso there are actually a lot of
(02:09):
ways to get a sibling. Researchshows, though, whether your
sibling is your step, half, orfull sibling, they can still
have an impact on yourdevelopment. Interestingly
enough, most studies of siblingrelationships don't even
differentiate between the kindsof siblings.
Charlotte (02:27):
I'm Charlotte, and I'm five years old. I live in
London, Ontario, Canada, and myquestion is, why do brothers and
sisters look a lot alike?
Jane (02:38):
Sometimes siblings look a lot alike, and sometimes they
don't look alike at all!Sometimes you look alike because
you share genetic material withyour siblings. You get half your
genes from a male biologicalparent and half from a female,
but the genes you get arerandomly assigned, so siblings
can get different combinations,and some traits are more
heritable--more easily passeddown--than others. There are
(03:02):
also environmental influences,both in your genetics and in how
you choose to look. Maybe youand your siblings dress
similarly or make the samefacial expressions or say the
same kind of things because youlive together. So your
similarities are not justgenetic. And sometimes we try
our absolute hardest to look andbehave nothing like our
(03:22):
siblings! So you and yoursiblings might look a lot alike,
or you might look verydifferent, whether you share DNA
or not.
When I was a kid, people used tosee me out with my stepfather,
and they'd sometimes stop us andtell us how much we looked
alike. We always smiled and saidthank you. But then we kind of
giggled a little bit afterwards,because we aren't biologically
(03:43):
related at all. But we did spenda lot of time together when I
was a kid, so it kind of makessense that we would look alike.
And your genetics certainlydon't define how you feel about
your family or how much theylove you. Beyond the story of
how you got your siblings orwhether or not you look alike,
(04:04):
your siblings can have a bigimpact on who you become. One
author we know has spent a lotof time thinking about and
researching why that is. So wecalled her up to talk a little
bit about what she's learned.Susan Dominus writes for The New
York Times Magazine, and one ofher books is called The Family
Dynamic.
Susan Dominus (04:22):
I actually started off thinking about how
to write a book about howparents help their kids dream
big and go about achieving thosedreams. I was really interested
in parents who encouraged theirkids to think they could change
the world. When I startedreporting the book, what I was
hearing from these, you know,incredible siblings from
(04:43):
families like this, althoughthey talked about their parents,
they also talked about the waytheir siblings helped them get
to the point that they weretrying to reach. And I realized
that that was kind of anunderappreciated piece of the
puzzle in general, when peoplethink about how people become
who they are.
Jane (05:00):
And what did you find from the families that you
interviewed?
Susan Dominus (05:04):
Well, I think I found often that the parents
were the ones who were maybesetting a tone in the family and
setting--maybe they wereinspiring people themselves in
some not necessarily famous way,but a way that was really
meaningful to the kids, youknow, maybe they had immigrated
from afar, a country overseas,and had built new lives so their
kids could have betteropportunities, or maybe they had
(05:26):
overcome racial stereotypes inorder to succeed, and at times
where the world was not reallyconspiring to help them do that,
but the siblings, it turned out,were often very helpful in
giving logistical advice andpointing them in the right
directions. And older siblingscan really guide the way for
(05:47):
younger siblings, because theyunderstand how the school works,
they've looked at their friendsand seen what worked for them,
and they can pass thatinformation down. And sometimes
kids, especially teenagers,would much rather have advice
from a sibling, even a siblingthat they sometimes fight with,
they'd still rather have thatadvice come from a sibling than
a parent, because teenagersreally don't like to do what
(06:10):
their parents want them to do alot of the time.
Jane (06:13):
Research into siblings backs up what Susan Dominus
found in her reporting. Siblingsare family, but they're also
kind of like a peer or friendrelationship. You learn how to
get along with people bylearning how to get along with
your sibling with the safetythat they'll always still be
your sibling. But that doesn'tnecessarily mean it's easy. We
have a question from Julia.
Julia (06:34):
I am nine years old. I live in Tarragona, Spain, and my
question is, why do I fight withmy sister if I love her?
Susan Dominus (06:44):
I think that sibling tensions are very, very
natural. And, you know, I don'tknow this is the kind of thing
you can prove, but evolutionarybiologists would say it really
all comes down to resources, ora feeling of resources. It's
hard to avoid the feeling that,you know, love is a pie, and
(07:04):
that the bigger your sister'sslice is, that means the smaller
yours is. But one of my favoriteshort story collections is
called Love is Not a Pie,meaning it doesn't deplete. You
know, if you give some to oneperson, it doesn't mean there's
not enough for the other person.And so I think part of getting
older is realizing that there'senough to go around. But I also
(07:27):
think that siblings are tryingto differentiate from each
other, and that also it's justunfortunate for siblings that
people tend to compare them, andI think that puts people kids,
especially in an uncomfortableplace sometimes.
Jane (07:43):
I love that. Susan mentioned the short story, Love
is Not a Pie. It's one of myfavorite short stories (written
for adults), but also theauthor, Amy Bloom, was on our
show several years ago in anepisode called "How does it feel
when your family changes?" Youmight enjoy listening to that
one. And research has shown thathaving a younger sibling teaches
(08:05):
older siblings things likeempathy--hat's the ability to
understand how someone elsemight be feeling--and to work on
social skills like sharing andplaying.
Coming up (08:14):
if having siblings is so great, why do they drive you
nuts?
BREAK (08:19):
BREAK
Nagore (08:21):
This is But Why, from Vermont Public. I'm Jane
Lindholm. We're learning aboutbrothers and sisters and
siblings. Today we're speakingwith Susan Dominus. She wrote a
book about families wheremultiple siblings did big things
as teenagers and adults. Shewanted to know what was
happening in those families thatled to the children becoming
what are sometimes called highachievers. The book is called
(08:42):
The Family Dynamic. It's a bookwritten for adults, but Susan
likes thinking about and talkingwith kids, too, so she was
excited to answer yourquestions. Here's one we got
from a lot of you.
I'm Nagore. I'm 10 years old,and I live in Colombia, close to
Bogota. Why don't siblings getalong perfectly?
Marin (09:05):
Hi, my name is Marin. I'm eight years old, and I live in
Garrett, Indiana, and myquestion is, why do siblings
fight a lot?
Phoebe (09:17):
Hi, my name is Phoebe. I live in Barbadoes. I am six
years old. Why are littlesisters and brothers so
annoying? And goodbye.
Ruby (09:27):
My name is Ruby. I'm seven years old. I live in Fair Oaks,
California. My question is, whyare brothers and sisters so
annoying? [Annoying littlebrother noises]
Unknown (09:44):
[Laughs] I think it is a little bit of just a question
of proximity. You know what Imean? Even roommates who live
together often, there are, youknow, they start to get on each
other's nerves. There's just somany little choices and tasks
and interactions that happenover the course of the day. I
think, with siblings, it's evenmore complicated, because your
(10:05):
sibling is just enough like you,maybe, that you think that you
should get along perfectly, butsiblings actually are also just
different enough that they'regoing to have different points
of view, different tastes,different personalities. And I
think that sometimes we feelwhat's known as cognitive
dissonance when we look atsomeone and say, "You're my
sibling, you might even looklike me. Why is it that you, of
(10:27):
all people, don't see things theway that I do?" And I think that
can be really frustrating andsurprising to us, maybe.
Jane (10:35):
Your siblings are learning to have a relationship with
their peers through theirrelationship with you and any
other siblings. Often that meanstesting out new strategies,
whether they realize that's whatthey're doing or not. So maybe
they're making an annoying noiseand waiting to see your
reaction. If you think it'sfunny, maybe they'll try that
noise with their friends. If youthink it's annoying, well, maybe
(10:57):
they'll learn. Of course, it'salso totally possible they're
just doing it to annoy you, andif you show you're annoyed, they
might do it again.
Do sibling sibling relationshipsand the effect of having a
sibling tend to flow from theoldest sibling down to the
youngest? Does the oldestsibling always set the tone or
(11:18):
always create the conflict oralways create the support to
help another sibling succeed? Orcan it be mixed, depending on,
you know, where you fall in thefamily?
Unknown (11:28):
Even at a young age, we do know that there is something
called a sibling spillovereffect, and what that finds is
that when one sibling startsdoing better in school, the
other siblings do as well, andthere's a kind of complicated
way that they were able tofigure out that it's not because
of how their parenting, youknow, has been changed, or
(11:52):
because of some genetic overlap.I won't bore you with the
details, but scientists werevery clever about how to do a
study that separated that out sothey can really see that no, no,
it's the way that the sibling isbehaving that's changing the
other sibling. And those effectscan actually work in both
directions. They can go older toyounger, but also younger to
older. I think even the olderyou get, the less the age of the
(12:16):
siblings matters. You know, wheneverybody's out there in the
world and they're doing theirown thing, that's when you
really see, often, a kind ofnetwork effect of siblings who
are helping each other. Because,you know, when you're 36 years
old, it doesn't matter if your32-year-old sister is the person
who makes that introduction foryou or gives you advice.
Jane (12:36):
Does that work for things like musical instruments and
playing sports too, or just inschool?
Unknown (12:42):
There's not tons of research about that, but I would
assume it works for all kinds ofthings. You know, there's like a
fun fact (12:48):
There are some researchers who have been trying
to make the case that youngersiblings are over-represented,
actually, in sports, and that'sbecause of this idea of
differentiation, because theoldest sibling, for various
reasons, maybe because theparents put the most pressure on
them, that's what some researchsuggests, but the oldest
siblings tend to be the mostacademically strong, and so then
(13:11):
younger siblings think, "Well,I'm not going to be able to own
that, so I'm going to insteadthrow myself into sports." It's
not like we think that they'rebiologically more athletic for
some reason. It just seems to bea choice in how they invest
their energy.
Jane (13:26):
Parents have an effect on cognitive development--brain
development--of their oldestkids, because they often spend
the most one on one time withtheir eldest child. There are no
other kids to compete for theirattention. But those benefits
are then passed down to theyounger children by that eldest
child, especially aroundliteracy, reading. Older
siblings looking at books withtheir younger siblings can help
(13:48):
them learn to read. And theeldest's own reading ability is
improved by spending that timereading with their younger
siblings. But are there limitsto the sibling relationship?
Akira (13:59):
My name is Akira, and I'm six years old, and I'm from
Japan, and my question is, canmy sister be my best friend?
Unknown (14:11):
I mean, when that works, it's the greatest thing
ever. I can tell you that mysister is probably my best
friend. And we have...we arereally different. In fact, we
look so different that when wewere little, somebody once put
my sister in one room and me inanother room, and these kids
grilled us on what our father'smiddle name was and things like
(14:32):
that, because they couldn'tbelieve we were sisters. And we
have fought plenty over theyears. And I'll tell you a
little secret (14:37):
we still fight sometimes. But she's also my
best friend, and I feel so luckyevery day that she was the
person plunked into my familyalong with me. And, in fact, I
even moved around the cornerfrom my sister when I was trying
to figure out where to land withmy husband before we even had a
family.
Jane (14:55):
Sibling dynamics tend to change as kids get older, and
the kids who are older start toallow younger siblings more
power in the relationship. Thatshift can be messy, but it's
important to developing therelationship that will exist
throughout your adulthood. InSusan's book, she wrote about
how siblings will often pusheach other to be better people.
They can compete with each otherand make each other better.
Unknown (15:16):
So for example, I wrote about the Holifield family,
which is a sibling of civilrights activists who came out of
Tallahassee, Florida at a timewhen it was really hard to be a
young Black person in thiscountry. You know, one of the
siblings, when she was only 16years old, decided that she was
going to be one of the onlythree kids who were Black who
desegregated the biggest, besthigh school in the capital of
(15:40):
Florida, which was the last ofall of the states, apparently,
to integrate.
Jane (15:45):
Integration was bringing together Black and white
students into the same schools.This was happening in the 1950s
and 1960s. Students wereeducated separately before that
because of racism and racistlaws.
Unknown (15:58):
And her older brother, Bishop, said he looked at her
and thought, "Wow, she's reallyset the bar really high, and now
I want to honor that and live upto it." And when he got to law
school at Harvard, he startedthe Black Law Students
Association, which was one ofthe first kind of groups like
that on any any law school. Andit was hugely influential. He
(16:21):
helped bring the first Black lawprofessors to Harvard Law
School. Then other schoolsfollowed suit. And so there's
all kinds of ways that siblingscan inspire each other and
really go on to do great things.
Susan, what if you don't have asibling?
It's funny. I just had dinnerlast night with a young woman
who is an only child, and shewas telling me that she kind of
(16:43):
instinctively became friendlywith lots of lots of young women
her age, and almost woulddescribe many of those friends
like a sister. And I think, insome ways, to have a friend
who's like a sister, but withall the baggage of actually
being a sister, hey, that'slike, that's maybe even the best
case scenario. There are reallyspecial things about having a
sibling, but there are alsoreally special things about
(17:06):
being an only child and havingyour parents' undivided
attention and not ever beingcompared to anybody else, not
having to deal with theday-to-day irritations of maybe
sharing a room or sharing abathroom, waiting your turn. I
think there are a lot oftensions in life that are very
painful, from which you'rereally completely liberated.
Jane (17:28):
Whatever your relationship with your siblings, or if you
are the only child in yourfamily, your relationships with
your family shape your future inimportant ways. There's no wrong
or right way to have a family.
That's it for this episode. Asalways, if you have a question
about anything, have an adultrecord you asking it on a
smartphone using an app likeVoice Memos. Then have your
(17:50):
adult email the file toquestions@butwhykids.org. Our
show is produced by Sarah Baik,Melody Bodette and me, Jane
Lindholm, at Vermont Public anddistributed by PRX. Our video
producer is Joey Palumbo, andour theme music is by Luke
Reynolds. If you like our show,please have your adults help you
give us a thumbs up or a reviewon whatever podcast platform you
(18:12):
use to listen to us. It helpsother kids and families find us.
We'll be back in two weeks withan all new episode. Until then,
stay curious!
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