S1 - #3 Codependency and Trauma Bonding

In this episode, Stephanie and Brian discuss the concept of trauma bonding within codependent relationships, particularly focusing on two of Brian's past romantic relationships characterized by abuse and narcissistic behavior. They highlight the two key ingredients necessary for trauma bonding: a power imbalance and intermittent abuse.

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Brian describes his first partner, referred to as "R," as a successful narcissist who engaged in narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. The abuse focused on undermining Brian's self-esteem and identity, making him feel inadequate and ashamed. Despite the abuse, Brian felt emotionally tied to R, partly due to the intermittent nature of the abuse and the occasional displays of love and care.

Stephanie mentions that Brian had financial, social, and intellectual resources, which adds complexity to the question of why he stayed in these relationships. Brian explains that his low self-esteem and lack of agency, developed from early traumatic experiences, led him to believe that he needed to change and fix himself to make the relationships work.

In one instance, a therapist suggested a separation period during Brian's first relationship to find himself outside of the abusive dynamic. However, Brian couldn't detach herself from the trauma bond and continued trying to change herself to please his partner.

After his first abusive relationship ended, Brian quickly entered into another one that lasted for four years. In this new relationship, He encountered another abusive narcissist, "J", although this person was less socially and emotionally successful, making their flaws more evident to others. There was an initial love bombing phase in both relationships, where Brian received excessive attention, flattery, and compliments. Despite feeling disoriented and recognizing some red flags, Brian struggled to establish boundaries due to his codependency and low self-esteem.  J's abuse was somewhat different than R's. It involved explosive coercive language and anger, and featured manipulation and seeking sympathy. Brian describes going into a "turtle shell" during abusive episodes to cope.

We discuss how trauma bonding can distort one's sense of self and agency, making it challenging to leave abusive relationships or even recognize the abuse. Brian's experiences highlight the importance of understanding trauma bonds and their profound impact on codependent individuals.

00:00:41 Definition of trauma bonding 00:01:31 Key ingredients of a trauma bond 00:04:43 Brian’s trauma bond with R 00:05:44 Gaslighting explained 00:07:42 Brian’s trauma bond with J 00:08:50 Love bombing explained 00:13:33 How the trauma bond worked 00:22:30 The internal battle 00:25:51 Shame 00:35:18 Trauma bond vs intimacy

 

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