The Year of Saying No with Deva Davisson

Why do we complain about how busy we are but keep saying yes? What keeps us giving our time and energy away to everyone but ourselves? What would happen if we said no? How can we figure out what we should spend our precious time on, and what we should be brave enough to ditch?

This is an episode that springs out of a crisis of time, energy, and will in my own life, and what I began to understand as I looked back over the last two years and came to terms with my own addiction to busy-ness.

In this episode I get down into the depths of our own value, our deep fears of starving or being abandoned if we aren’t continually productive, and the oppressive systems that exploit the very real consequences of saying no.

In this episode I discuss:

• the unpaid labor of women
• how we take things on way beyond our actual capacity
• what is the year of saying no?
• how the shadow of overcommitment can be the flip side of self-development
• how FOMO is a really base survival fear that doesn’t serve us
• working from a place of lack sets yourself up for more experiences of lacking
• how the media tells us to pack in more things in rather than cutting things that aren’t joyful out
• how to flip that equation on its head
• why this message to do more is so prevalent
• what is the best use of your time and who says so?
• how constantly saying yes depletes the intimacy of your relationships
• the stories we tell ourselves around the necessity of saying yes and the consequences of saying no
• what does it mean about us if we say no?
• the mother wound and how we all crave an endless source of nourishment
• what happens when we aren’t willing to supply that
• the judgment of other women and the sister wound
• the historical cooperative knowledge of women
• the communal discomfort of stepping into powerful choices
• where do we source our value?
• how boundaries are necessary to the intimacy of a relationship
• productivity as a moral virtue in our culture and who that serves
• the right to say no and how it’s a big picture decision
• perfectionism as a way to offset sin
• poverty as a moral issue
• the othering of perfectionism and why we learn we have to work harder
• asking whose definition of being better we want to embrace and how the method matters
• my own fear of not being enough
• what is saying yes stealing from you?
• the requirement of spaciousness to feed creativity, and how creativity is the life force wanting to be expressed
• the consequences of turning away from expressing your own life force
• the fatigue of chasing FOMO and our cultural messages
• how aging can increase our anxiety about having accomplished enough and whose standards we’re using
• why saying no feels counterintuitive and the fear of disappointing others
• who is the person going to those lengths to care for you?
• how the shadow of caring can be controlling and grasping
• how our belief that we are the only ones who can do things right is a real disservice to ourselves
• trying to control others is ultimately a fear of abandonment
• digging in to your sense of self allows you to tolerate the discomfort of saying no and the practice of valuing your own time and energy
• the takeaway: how to prune your calendar by following marie kondo’s idea of using the things that spark joy as your compass
• observe your own patterns of time and activity and lean in to the good stuff

Links mentioned in this episode:

Marie Kondo

Freakonomics on the cost of women’s unpaid labor and also NYT

Brene Brown - The Call to Courage

Jade Eby - The Sister Wound

Somatic Experiencing - Resourcing

David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage

Sharon Blackie - Hagitude

Shout-outs:

Simone Seol

Neurogan 

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