April 17, 2024 • 31 mins
On today’s episode of Authentic On Air the topic of worthiness is the focus and it is an intriguing exploration of where to look for your personal value.
Whether you see your value or not you have it.
When you see it you start to treat yourself like you are worth a shit. From there you can start to make decisions that drive you to your purpose.
Big takeaway: Know your worth and act accordingly.
Live by a code. Tell the truth about your situations and deal with what you can prove to be true.
Define a desired result and address the facts in a way that gets you the result you want.
If what you want is to stop letting life happen to you we should have a conversation.
At Impulsive we stop the guilt fear and shame conditioned into us and learn how to live by a code and deal in the currency of truth and the facts.
From there we teach you how to trust your impulses to guide you to a future of passion and purpose. www.impulsive.life/consult
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:37):
Hello and welcome back to Authentic OneAir with Bruce Alexander.
I am your host, Bruce Alexander.
Today is a special day because it's todayand I'm here.
So welcome.
Let's do a quick catch up.
That's what I'm gonna start out with fromhere on out every week.
I'm just gonna catch you up with what'sgoing on because that's part of this whole
(00:59):
process.
It's kind of a documentary of anentrepreneur.
slash father slash husband slash ADHDadult.
I'm doing all the things that I coachpeople on.
And I think it's important to capture thewins, but also to share the losses because
I'm human.
(01:21):
And so we'll talk a little bit about thattoday, but the topic of today's show is
going to be your value, my value, yourvalue, how you perceive your own self
-worth.
So I think it's a really interesting topicand kind of like builds off of last
week's, um, like the self perception idea.
(01:44):
So first off, quick catch up.
Um, the fitness thing is happening.
It is a slow, slow, slow, painful journey.
I walk every single day.
I've been doing that for a while.
I've been moving my body every single dayfor over two, like I think close to two
and a half months, maybe.
(02:05):
since I started like actively tracking it.
But since before that it might be up tothree months or more.
And the process is driving me so crazybecause of how slow it's happening.
But where I am at now physically, althoughlike I'm, you know, the weight is not
coming off like I want to, I have toremember my, what my desired result was,
(02:30):
was to be more active again.
Is to have a body that allows me tophysically move around.
without being an extreme pain.
It is not there yet, but I'm closer tothat now than I was when I started this.
So it's a really dangerous thing to allowyour destination to move like accidentally
(02:55):
or just not pay attention to where you'retrying to get and start getting distracted
by new goals that you aren't activelysetting.
So it's really easy for me to startlooking at my body again and saying like,
you're still fat.
My goal is not to not be fat.
My goal is to be fit.
(03:15):
So being fit is not just losing fat.
It is being more flexible.
It is having better mobility.
There are better, more than one facet tothis process.
So I have to understand that for one, itcan all happen at the same time.
It's not all gonna happen quickly.
But if I'm moving forward in one of thoseareas and I'm not moving backward in any
(03:37):
of them, then that's a pretty big win.
And so I am winning in that.
It's just the progress is not happening asquickly visibly as I would like.
And I had a little mini meltdown about itearlier this week.
Very, you know, a little tantrum of like,I'm ready for this weight to be off.
I'm ready to be able to do the things Iused to be able to do.
(03:59):
I want to go back to lifting heavy.
I got very whiny and I was I wasirritating to myself, but I have to give
myself grace be patient with myself bepatient with the process and even in that
moment of getting frustrated keep showingup and that is That's a new process.
So I'm that it's happening and it is goingnot gonna say it's going super well, but
(04:24):
it's not going poorly so As far asmentally
Emotionally, my being, I'm stacking everysingle day, sometimes multiple times a
day, and it is working really well for meto be present in my perspective.
That doesn't mean that I'm never mad, I'mnever anxious, it doesn't mean that I'm
(04:45):
never not any of the bad emotions.
The difference is, is I'm present when I'mthere and I'm dealing with these things as
they happen, and I'm seeing a lot ofsuccess and being able to reframe my
perspective to...
to be a powerful version of myselfwherever I'm at.
And that is really, that's a big step upfrom where I was at in which my emotions
(05:07):
would kind of carry me away.
Now, that being said, I did have a totalmeltdown with my wife.
Like we got into it, there was a littlebit of a fight.
I don't even remember what it was about.
I reacted poorly.
Like I yelled, I cussed, my kids heard.
It was really like my oldest daughter hadto come out and tell us to stop.
(05:27):
Like she said, you need to stop.
And the positive was I took that and Istopped.
The negative was I was still foaming atthe mouth angry.
And that is that led to like a stack thatwas, you know, I learned a lot about
myself and where I'm at in my process andthat I'm I'm still working through some
(05:51):
stuff, but that anger carried on to guilt.
and shame in the morning, which is notsomething I want to operate out of.
It's something that I'm trying to leavebehind, trying to learn from, not be
guilty of and feel shame for my actions.
And so that was a interesting dynamic.
(06:11):
And from that, I took the lessons thatI've learned and I applied it to, okay,
well, what would I say to a client?
And I would say, well, the first thing youneed to do is clear your conscience and to
do that, you apologize.
you take responsibility for your actionsand you apologize so then you can free up
that mental space to see how you canimprove.
(06:32):
And so that's what I did first thing inthe morning.
It was like in my daily notes to my kids,which are working and my wife, my daily
notes of gratitude, appreciation andhonor.
I apologized for them having to be to bewitness to that and that I'm working on
myself and I'm trying to get better.
And I think that being vulnerable in frontof your kids is something that is, it's
(06:57):
undervalued.
I don't think that people talk about itenough.
I don't think that, like, I don't see itenough amongst my friends and other people
I've seen raising kids.
There is a lot of like, do what I say andvery little do what I do whenever it comes
to processing and talking through youremotions.
So I am very much trying to be open andvulnerable about the fact that I struggle
(07:20):
sometimes and here's me working throughit.
And I'm sorry that you got sucked into it,but I apologize.
And here's what I'm going to do next.
And they, you know, they're kids, likethey, their, their memories are short if
they need to be.
They, if you are proactively working onyourself and you are taking responsibility
for your actions, they respond very, verywell.
(07:43):
Like they'll just still erase, you know,they'll erase the board and give you a
fresh start if you keep trying.
So just keep working hard at doing thatand keep trying to connect with your kids
because it is become, it has become avery, a very important source of power for
me to help me show up as the person I wantto show up as is to be able to have that
(08:04):
deep connection with my kids.
It feeds back into me and gives me theenergy that I need to keep going.
to keep showing up, to keep showing upwith the fitness every day, to keep
showing up with the business and doing thethings I need to do there.
All those things take a lot of energy, butI'm doing it for myself and for them.
(08:25):
So pouring into them and then receiving anenergy exchange back helps me go back into
it.
It's like a renewable energy source thatif you pour into them will be there for
you.
Whenever you go to connect with them,you'll just, you will start to feel more.
risk like more restoration from thatrelationship than stress Whenever you you
(08:46):
stop running from that relationship andstart taking ownership in it That's what I
found and like, you know If you listen tome before you know that taking ownership
was not something I was great at doing Soit's new for me and then taking that
ownership being vulnerable putting thatall together is allowing for there to be a
deep connection between myself and my kidsmyself and my wife and
(09:08):
that energy exchange is happening more andmore frequently.
So that's that on the business note.
Yeah, I like I'm ADHD.
Like this is was a very clear reminderthat I am ADHD and that there's a reason
why I have systems in place.
There's a reason why I have checks andbalances and I have a system that allows
(09:31):
me to constantly reframe my perspective,not just in my personal life and in my
emotional life and my being.
but also my business because if I'm notconstantly looking at what I'm doing and
how it serves my purpose, it is easy tosee something that sounds good and think
it just sounds good so I should do it.
And then I'll get some ways down the roadand figure out like this does not serve my
(09:54):
purpose because I'm actively engaging inand reviewing those processes.
And this was something that I'd beenworking on for a couple of weeks and then
I...
I asked myself, like, why am I strugglingwith this?
And I worked through it and it was like,because this is not who you're supposed to
serve.
Like I had gotten to where I built awebinar and it was looking pretty good,
(10:18):
but I wasn't, I wasn't gettingconversions.
I was even putting money behind paid adsin a way I'd never done before.
And I wasn't seeing anybody opt into thewebinar.
And then I realized like I got to where Iwas trying to serve everybody again,
because I'm like, I think I'm afraid thatI won't be able to get anybody to.
to just opt into the webinar.
Like I know that I'm a great presenter.
(10:39):
I know I can like create a lot of valuefor people inside of these courses and
inside of this webinar.
But then I get scared and I just startlike to broaden the messaging as you know,
it starts out as something that's fairlyspecific towards ADHD parents.
And by the end it's like, you don't needto be ADHD.
This can help anybody.
And before you know it, I'm talking toeverybody.
(11:00):
And so it doesn't feel personal to anyone.
And...
I don't want that.
I know that my purpose is to serve ADHDparents.
It is the pain that I've strived throughand survived through, and I know that that
is what I have to offer to other people.
My best clients are ADHD parents.
They're the people that I connect the bestwith, that I feel myself really in a great
(11:26):
position to help because I have theanswers to their questions.
I've been through it.
I've got experience on it, and I'velearned techniques to handle it.
Whenever you're neurotypical or you don'thave kids, like that's the real thing.
If you don't have kids, you haven't beenmarried.
You don't have those, those dependentrelationships.
Your mentality is way fucking differentthan mine.
(11:48):
And that's fine.
That's fine for you.
But whenever you ask me a question, like,what should I do?
I tried to, like, I tried to help myneighbor out in this way.
He is not, he doesn't have kids.
He's not married.
And whenever like we had a, you know,consultation,
The energy exchange was very, very flatbecause what I would say to an ADHD parent
(12:09):
that I would say to him, it just, it fellon deaf ears.
Like it didn't make sense because thereisn't that, that added sense of urgency
to, to be what your family needs, to bewhat you're supposed to be for your
family, to be what you entered intowhenever you entered into that marriage
contract or wherever you had your, hadyour child.
(12:30):
Like that's a responsibility that otherpeople don't understand.
And I don't know, it's it's reallyimportant that I make sure that I'm
checking in with my purpose often andseeing how does this serve my purpose?
How does this get me closer to helping andimpacting more ADHD, more ADHD parents?
And if it's not, why am I doing it?
(12:53):
Because if it's about making money, thenI'm fucking up.
Like making money is the byproductimpacting and changing ADHD parents lives.
That is the goal.
I want to help ADHD parents.
That's what I'm put on this earth to do.
I'm sure of it.
And so whenever I get distracted bysomething that sounds like it could help
(13:14):
everybody or that I can make a lot ofmoney, then that's wrong.
But it doesn't mean that I'm not attractedto that.
It means that it's a learning experience,learning how to say like, that's not what
I'm here for.
I am here to serve.
That is new.
I have been very selfish my entire life,but I am here to serve.
here to serve God first, that I am here toserve my family, then I am here to serve
(13:39):
ADHD people, like our ADHD parents, likethat's who I'm here to serve.
And yeah, if I haven't helped you, andbecause I haven't been able to get the
message to you, I'm sorry for that.
I am refocusing.
I'm trying to stay relevant to what mydesires are, and that is to help ADHD
parents.
And so I've got a new webinar I'mbuilding.
(14:00):
I scrapped the other one because it wasfor everybody and
I think it will be a good backend offeringlike to ADHD parents who've already been
in my, like been through my processes andthey're like, Hey, this is something I'm
struggling with also.
And that's connecting with relationshipsthat have gone stale.
I think that is a problem that happenswith a lot of ADHD parents.
(14:21):
Like as their kids get older, there are alot of those relationships that struggle.
Um, like I, my relationship, my parentshas been a massive struggle because my
parents are ADHD and autistic and theydon't.
want to come to the table in a in a nontoxic way.
So these are the things I've struggledwith.
(14:41):
And I think that can help people with thatdown the road.
But right now the focus is how can I helpADHD parents show up in a way that allows
them to claim the power that they havethat they've that they've been taught to
suppress.
And so like that is through connectionwith the inner voice.
And that's what my new webinar is about.
Anyway, so that's a lot.
(15:03):
the next thing I want to just jump into isI just just jump right into the meat of
the episode because I've already gone 15minutes talking about all the other
exciting stuff that's going on in lifebecause every day is exciting.
Like every day I realize is like thejourney is happening.
So but this this battle is also happening.
(15:25):
This war is being waged that I wasn'taware of for my I don't know.
37 38 years of my life almost 40 now thatI Do not believe I'm worthy sometimes
before I didn't believe I was worthy a lotof the time and I didn't realize that I
(15:49):
was making decisions based off of thatworthiness that I didn't believe I had
every single day so like you know, but Iwhat I'm talking about is like choosing a
Like making decisions based on a futureyou think you do or don't deserve.
I showed up to the fire department.
(16:10):
Let's let's back up first.
Like my value story goes pretty far back.
There's been several iterations of how Ivalued myself, but it's never been based
on me.
It was always in relation to somethingelse.
And that started out early, like in myearly high school years, it was very,
(16:30):
achievement and reward based.
It was if I am getting awards, if I amhitting the grades, if I am getting
positions, if I am in clubs, if I'mgetting pats on the back, if I'm getting
accolades, then I'm valuable because thatis what my parents told me.
They told me if you get A's, we'll giveyou money.
(16:51):
If you do well in school, you will getfreedom.
You will get to do whatever you want.
You'll get to be out and blah, blah, blah.
If you.
perform well in sports, then you will getmore attention.
You will get more hugs and love andadoration.
Like that's, that is, those were theexchanges we had.
So that is what I thought my value wasbased in.
(17:14):
And that last, that lasted until I lefthigh school.
And then I got out from under that regimeof being parented by people who were
transacting in accolades.
once I was able to leave that, it was justlike a value void.
Like I just didn't, I didn't really thinkabout it.
(17:37):
It was just like, I was just, you know,enamored with this exciting new experience
of not having that pressure.
And then I like for the first time I hadto start struggling at school and wasn't
automatically great at things.
So I wasn't getting those accolades.
So I guess, I guess it was just that Ididn't get the value positives.
It was just the value negative.
of like feeling like, man, am I supposedto be here?
(17:58):
And what am I doing here?
But then I started to, at that time, carryover something that had happened a little
bit in high school was like transactionalrelationships.
It's like, how many different people can Iget to like me?
Like, you know, friendships, romanticrelationships, whatever it's like, I would
(18:18):
just try to jump into all theserelationships and get people to engage
with me in a way that said like, you'reimportant.
Like we like to have you around.
And that is like, that is how I started toderive my value as I got into college and
I started to like hang out with sororitygirls because there was, you know, those
were the cool kids on campus.
And then I started to hang out withfraternity because like those guys, like,
(18:41):
you know, they knew how to get friends.
And once again, like I didn't care aboutany of this stuff personally.
I just wanted to be, wanted to feelvalued.
I wanted to feel like some sort of senseof self -worth and.
I thought if I had the more friends I had,even though I was never really good at
caring friendships over long periods oftime, unless it was with like total
(19:04):
narcissists who were using me forsomething, but those, those transactional
relationships, it's like, if I could justget more of them, if I could just stack
the number of people who knew me and likedme, then that means I'm valuable, right?
Well, that didn't really like, that didn'tgive me any sort of fulfillment
whatsoever.
And also,
(19:26):
People will disappoint you like 100 % ofthe time if you don't have a solid
foundation for yourself.
Because what you want from them willconstantly change because what you want in
life will constantly change.
And so they're gonna be trying to hit amoving target if they care.
Like if they care, why would they evencare?
(19:48):
Because you're not a solid human being.
Like you don't know what you want in life,you're a flake.
Like that's what I was.
So.
That didn't work out either.
And then so I moved on to thattransactional relationship thing for a
while, like finding value in that.
And then I got kicked out of school and myhouse got raided for drugs and you know,
(20:09):
all of that stuff happens because I dealtdrugs as part of that.
Like this will make me more valuable as aperson to hang around with because I've
got the drugs, right?
I mean, it may be more popular, but itdoesn't make you more valuable.
I still hadn't learned that yet.
So getting out of that part, I just wentinto kind of another value vacuum in which
(20:35):
I was just like, I am not worth shit.
Like, because I now I don't have any ofthe accolades, I've been kicked out of
school, all my friends have disappearedbecause they were there for the drugs and
for the parties and for the, you know, thepopularity contest and I'm not in it
anymore, not in the contest anymore.
So none of those people are around.
And so I have nobody and I have nothing.
(20:58):
So I'm worthless.
And that was, that was the value of what Iwalked around with for, I don't know, a
few years, like my, my early to midtwenties was like a value vacuum.
And I met my wife and she was able to careabout me and show me that I was worth
(21:19):
something, even though I had nothing.
She used to care for me anyways, andshowed me that I did have some value.
Still don't know why.
Still trying to figure that out, but.
That was kind of the end of the valuevacuum at that time.
And then, you know, there was probably acouple of other things, but I haven't
(21:40):
figured out what drove those value -baseddecisions back then until I get back to
about 10 years ago, whenever I am tryingto attach my value to fatherhood.
It's like, I'm providing for my family.
I'm a father.
I'm a father.
Like, I'm bringing in money.
(22:02):
Like, I was enough.
And then we had another kid.
And the third one was coming and was like,oh crap, I'm not providing enough anymore.
So like, I'm not valuable as a father.
So then I went to the fire department.
It was like, this will give me value.
Being a firefighter will make me avaluable human being because I'm doing
(22:24):
something that is valuable.
So if I make this valuable thing that Ido, my identity, then I will be valuable.
That is a logical argument, right?
ipso facto value equals value.
But whenever that's not an actual internalbelief, I never actually really believe
(22:47):
that I was a firefighter.
I didn't ever actually really believe thatwhat I was doing had anything to do with
anything besides survival.
I took the job because I needed to providefor my family.
Like it was like my lives, those hierarchyof needs, like I
I wanted to keep food and shelter over myfamily's head.
(23:07):
And it was just like grunting and reactingacross the finish line to get through the
academy.
And as I struggled through that identityof firefighter and I kept being told that
I was not one of them, you were not herefor the right reasons.
(23:28):
You're not one of us.
Don't, don't.
come to our events outside of work like weunderstand we have to work with you but
you're not one of us.
Those specific words were not said but Iwas made fun of and I was chastised unlike
anybody else and I was singled out and Iwas isolated and every other thing that
made sure that I knew that I was not oneof them even though that's what my value
(23:53):
was tied to.
So obviously like this was worse than thevalue vacuum this is a massive value
deficit.
I was...
I was feeling pretty fucked up.
And so in that situation is like theperception of others was able to control
my value because they said I wasn't one ofthem and being one of them is what I
(24:16):
thought may be valuable.
So their, their, their disagreement withthat made me feel not valuable.
So I don't think that's the way to goeither.
To wrap it up, because that was threefailed ways of me trying to find value,
like try to find my own self -worth, isexternally through accolades and
(24:42):
achievements, externally throughtransactional relationships, externally
through career and job identity.
Now, what has changed is that, yeah, Istill identify as a father.
It's definitely part of...
who I am, but my value is serving apurpose.
(25:07):
It's not about me anymore.
It's not about like how much I'm worth.
It's about what I can give.
It's kind of hard still for me to wrap mymind around because I'm still like I'm
still exploring this new thing.
Like I said earlier, service is pretty newto me.
But like true service, like I did.
(25:29):
I was a firefighter for 10 years, so Iserved, but really believing in trying to
give back to a population that I caredeeply about and doing it with all of my
heart and all of my being like that'spretty new and.
Because of that it doesn't matter whatanybody else says like this is about me
(25:52):
giving Value like the value isn't is whatI give it's not about what is what is what
is placed on me and
giving that like serving has provided likea an inner confidence and an inner value
that I didn't think was gonna ever beavailable for me.
(26:15):
And that also has spread to, I don't knowif it's spread to my family or my family
spread to my purpose.
I don't know either way like I serve myfamily now and it is very different.
I'm still not perfect at it.
There's still you know ways I wish I couldserve my family better.
I wish I would.
And that's why I'm, you know, trying to bemore physically fit.
So it's easier for me to serve my familywithout the complaints of pain.
(26:38):
But there's still like that laziness in methat is still, that I'm still breaking.
You know, I'm stuck.
That is part of why it is so importantthat I show up for my daily routine every
single day, that I go for my walk everysingle day, unless something extraordinary
happens, that I show up and I do theseboring things to break the laziness.
(27:01):
because like the laziness is like it'sjust an addiction to comfort and that
comfort is the obstacle sorry that comfortis the barrier to my dreams and my dreams
is to serve thousands and thousands ofpeople and help them find their purpose
and engage in their lives in the way thati get to and that is so valuable to me now
(27:26):
because nobody can take that away from me.
As long as I keep trying to serve, I amliving out my purpose.
How does someone take that?
Like I own all my channels, like you can,I guess you could shut down my internet,
but I still have a hotspot.
So I don't know.
I don't know how somebody could take itaway from me.
I'm sure there's a way, but.
(27:50):
I don't know.
The biggest lesson to take from this iswhether you see your value or not, you
have it.
You may not have found it yet.
You may have not learned how to expresswhat it is about you that's valuable, but
you have it.
And a secondary part of my value andpurpose is that I also have inherent value
(28:12):
as one of God's children.
Like by just being born, we are allvaluable.
We are all worth something special.
And that is what I'm giving back.
Like that value is what was given to me.
Like from the beginning that was alwaysthere, was always inside of me.
(28:32):
I just didn't know that.
And once I understood that I was alreadyvaluable, then I was able to start giving
it back and start pouring it into othersand try to give it to whoever will take
it.
And that's my purpose.
I hope this is all making some kind ofsense to you, but I feel like it's a good
(28:56):
place to wrap it up.
If you are in this place where you are notseeing your own self -worth, if you're not
able to pinpoint your value, know thatnumber one, it is there because you were
created in God's image and you arevaluable.
And two, there is something greater therefor you.
(29:17):
There is an impulsive view that existsthat has been suppressed and told that
you're broken and it's okay.
It's okay to have believed that lie, butit's time to wake up.
It's time to let go of all the stories andlimiting the limiting doubts and self
beliefs that you have and start living theimpulsive view because there is so much
(29:40):
more out there for you.
If you can start to live within aframework that allows you to live
impulsive.
to trust your urges and to do the thingsthat matter to you, not to society.
There's something very, very importantthere, but you have to learn how to let go
of the guilt, shame and regret first,clear your mind and learn to work within
(30:02):
the framework that allows you to guideyour impulses like a missile to destroy
the obstacles to your dreams.
And that's what I help people do.
And if you are curious about more,
please go to www .impulsive .life forwardslash consult instead of a free
consultation with me, because I would loveto talk to you more.
(30:24):
And in that consultation, I amguaranteeing you, I am going to give you
at least three techniques that are goingto help provide relief for you today.
As soon as you start to apply them, youare going to see a change in your life.
But you have to make the decision first.
You have to decide that you want tochange.
(30:45):
that you want to see your value, that youwant to live a life of purpose.
You have to be willing to let go of thecomfort.
It was really hard for me, so I know it'shard for somebody else.
But if you can be willing to let go ofthat comfort and start to reach for
something greater, then I can help you.
And I hope that you'll give me a call.
I'll talk to you guys next week onAuthentic On Air.
(31:06):
That is it for this episode.
And I think it's been pretty fun.
Yeah, I hope you guys are learning tovalue yourselves like I am.
and grow in that value and give it back.
I'll talk to you guys next week.
Hello and welcome back to Authentic OneAir with Bruce Alexander.
I am your host, Bruce Alexander.
Today is a special day because it's todayand I'm here.
So welcome.
Let's do a quick catch up.
That's what I'm gonna start out with fromhere on out every week.
I'm just gonna catch you up with what'sgoing on because that's part of this whole
(00:59):
process.
It's kind of a documentary of anentrepreneur.
slash father slash husband slash ADHDadult.
I'm doing all the things that I coachpeople on.
And I think it's important to capture thewins, but also to share the losses because
I'm human.
(01:21):
And so we'll talk a little bit about thattoday, but the topic of today's show is
going to be your value, my value, yourvalue, how you perceive your own self
-worth.
So I think it's a really interesting topicand kind of like builds off of last
week's, um, like the self perception idea.
(01:44):
So first off, quick catch up.
Um, the fitness thing is happening.
It is a slow, slow, slow, painful journey.
I walk every single day.
I've been doing that for a while.
I've been moving my body every single dayfor over two, like I think close to two
and a half months, maybe.
(02:05):
since I started like actively tracking it.
But since before that it might be up tothree months or more.
And the process is driving me so crazybecause of how slow it's happening.
But where I am at now physically, althoughlike I'm, you know, the weight is not
coming off like I want to, I have toremember my, what my desired result was,
(02:30):
was to be more active again.
Is to have a body that allows me tophysically move around.
without being an extreme pain.
It is not there yet, but I'm closer tothat now than I was when I started this.
So it's a really dangerous thing to allowyour destination to move like accidentally
(02:55):
or just not pay attention to where you'retrying to get and start getting distracted
by new goals that you aren't activelysetting.
So it's really easy for me to startlooking at my body again and saying like,
you're still fat.
My goal is not to not be fat.
My goal is to be fit.
(03:15):
So being fit is not just losing fat.
It is being more flexible.
It is having better mobility.
There are better, more than one facet tothis process.
So I have to understand that for one, itcan all happen at the same time.
It's not all gonna happen quickly.
But if I'm moving forward in one of thoseareas and I'm not moving backward in any
(03:37):
of them, then that's a pretty big win.
And so I am winning in that.
It's just the progress is not happening asquickly visibly as I would like.
And I had a little mini meltdown about itearlier this week.
Very, you know, a little tantrum of like,I'm ready for this weight to be off.
I'm ready to be able to do the things Iused to be able to do.
(03:59):
I want to go back to lifting heavy.
I got very whiny and I was I wasirritating to myself, but I have to give
myself grace be patient with myself bepatient with the process and even in that
moment of getting frustrated keep showingup and that is That's a new process.
So I'm that it's happening and it is goingnot gonna say it's going super well, but
(04:24):
it's not going poorly so As far asmentally
Emotionally, my being, I'm stacking everysingle day, sometimes multiple times a
day, and it is working really well for meto be present in my perspective.
That doesn't mean that I'm never mad, I'mnever anxious, it doesn't mean that I'm
(04:45):
never not any of the bad emotions.
The difference is, is I'm present when I'mthere and I'm dealing with these things as
they happen, and I'm seeing a lot ofsuccess and being able to reframe my
perspective to...
to be a powerful version of myselfwherever I'm at.
And that is really, that's a big step upfrom where I was at in which my emotions
(05:07):
would kind of carry me away.
Now, that being said, I did have a totalmeltdown with my wife.
Like we got into it, there was a littlebit of a fight.
I don't even remember what it was about.
I reacted poorly.
Like I yelled, I cussed, my kids heard.
It was really like my oldest daughter hadto come out and tell us to stop.
(05:27):
Like she said, you need to stop.
And the positive was I took that and Istopped.
The negative was I was still foaming atthe mouth angry.
And that is that led to like a stack thatwas, you know, I learned a lot about
myself and where I'm at in my process andthat I'm I'm still working through some
(05:51):
stuff, but that anger carried on to guilt.
and shame in the morning, which is notsomething I want to operate out of.
It's something that I'm trying to leavebehind, trying to learn from, not be
guilty of and feel shame for my actions.
And so that was a interesting dynamic.
(06:11):
And from that, I took the lessons thatI've learned and I applied it to, okay,
well, what would I say to a client?
And I would say, well, the first thing youneed to do is clear your conscience and to
do that, you apologize.
you take responsibility for your actionsand you apologize so then you can free up
that mental space to see how you canimprove.
(06:32):
And so that's what I did first thing inthe morning.
It was like in my daily notes to my kids,which are working and my wife, my daily
notes of gratitude, appreciation andhonor.
I apologized for them having to be to bewitness to that and that I'm working on
myself and I'm trying to get better.
And I think that being vulnerable in frontof your kids is something that is, it's
(06:57):
undervalued.
I don't think that people talk about itenough.
I don't think that, like, I don't see itenough amongst my friends and other people
I've seen raising kids.
There is a lot of like, do what I say andvery little do what I do whenever it comes
to processing and talking through youremotions.
So I am very much trying to be open andvulnerable about the fact that I struggle
(07:20):
sometimes and here's me working throughit.
And I'm sorry that you got sucked into it,but I apologize.
And here's what I'm going to do next.
And they, you know, they're kids, likethey, their, their memories are short if
they need to be.
They, if you are proactively working onyourself and you are taking responsibility
for your actions, they respond very, verywell.
(07:43):
Like they'll just still erase, you know,they'll erase the board and give you a
fresh start if you keep trying.
So just keep working hard at doing thatand keep trying to connect with your kids
because it is become, it has become avery, a very important source of power for
me to help me show up as the person I wantto show up as is to be able to have that
(08:04):
deep connection with my kids.
It feeds back into me and gives me theenergy that I need to keep going.
to keep showing up, to keep showing upwith the fitness every day, to keep
showing up with the business and doing thethings I need to do there.
All those things take a lot of energy, butI'm doing it for myself and for them.
(08:25):
So pouring into them and then receiving anenergy exchange back helps me go back into
it.
It's like a renewable energy source thatif you pour into them will be there for
you.
Whenever you go to connect with them,you'll just, you will start to feel more.
risk like more restoration from thatrelationship than stress Whenever you you
(08:46):
stop running from that relationship andstart taking ownership in it That's what I
found and like, you know If you listen tome before you know that taking ownership
was not something I was great at doing Soit's new for me and then taking that
ownership being vulnerable putting thatall together is allowing for there to be a
deep connection between myself and my kidsmyself and my wife and
(09:08):
that energy exchange is happening more andmore frequently.
So that's that on the business note.
Yeah, I like I'm ADHD.
Like this is was a very clear reminderthat I am ADHD and that there's a reason
why I have systems in place.
There's a reason why I have checks andbalances and I have a system that allows
(09:31):
me to constantly reframe my perspective,not just in my personal life and in my
emotional life and my being.
but also my business because if I'm notconstantly looking at what I'm doing and
how it serves my purpose, it is easy tosee something that sounds good and think
it just sounds good so I should do it.
And then I'll get some ways down the roadand figure out like this does not serve my
(09:54):
purpose because I'm actively engaging inand reviewing those processes.
And this was something that I'd beenworking on for a couple of weeks and then
I...
I asked myself, like, why am I strugglingwith this?
And I worked through it and it was like,because this is not who you're supposed to
serve.
Like I had gotten to where I built awebinar and it was looking pretty good,
(10:18):
but I wasn't, I wasn't gettingconversions.
I was even putting money behind paid adsin a way I'd never done before.
And I wasn't seeing anybody opt into thewebinar.
And then I realized like I got to where Iwas trying to serve everybody again,
because I'm like, I think I'm afraid thatI won't be able to get anybody to.
to just opt into the webinar.
Like I know that I'm a great presenter.
(10:39):
I know I can like create a lot of valuefor people inside of these courses and
inside of this webinar.
But then I get scared and I just startlike to broaden the messaging as you know,
it starts out as something that's fairlyspecific towards ADHD parents.
And by the end it's like, you don't needto be ADHD.
This can help anybody.
And before you know it, I'm talking toeverybody.
(11:00):
And so it doesn't feel personal to anyone.
And...
I don't want that.
I know that my purpose is to serve ADHDparents.
It is the pain that I've strived throughand survived through, and I know that that
is what I have to offer to other people.
My best clients are ADHD parents.
They're the people that I connect the bestwith, that I feel myself really in a great
(11:26):
position to help because I have theanswers to their questions.
I've been through it.
I've got experience on it, and I'velearned techniques to handle it.
Whenever you're neurotypical or you don'thave kids, like that's the real thing.
If you don't have kids, you haven't beenmarried.
You don't have those, those dependentrelationships.
Your mentality is way fucking differentthan mine.
(11:48):
And that's fine.
That's fine for you.
But whenever you ask me a question, like,what should I do?
I tried to, like, I tried to help myneighbor out in this way.
He is not, he doesn't have kids.
He's not married.
And whenever like we had a, you know,consultation,
The energy exchange was very, very flatbecause what I would say to an ADHD parent
(12:09):
that I would say to him, it just, it fellon deaf ears.
Like it didn't make sense because thereisn't that, that added sense of urgency
to, to be what your family needs, to bewhat you're supposed to be for your
family, to be what you entered intowhenever you entered into that marriage
contract or wherever you had your, hadyour child.
(12:30):
Like that's a responsibility that otherpeople don't understand.
And I don't know, it's it's reallyimportant that I make sure that I'm
checking in with my purpose often andseeing how does this serve my purpose?
How does this get me closer to helping andimpacting more ADHD, more ADHD parents?
And if it's not, why am I doing it?
(12:53):
Because if it's about making money, thenI'm fucking up.
Like making money is the byproductimpacting and changing ADHD parents lives.
That is the goal.
I want to help ADHD parents.
That's what I'm put on this earth to do.
I'm sure of it.
And so whenever I get distracted bysomething that sounds like it could help
(13:14):
everybody or that I can make a lot ofmoney, then that's wrong.
But it doesn't mean that I'm not attractedto that.
It means that it's a learning experience,learning how to say like, that's not what
I'm here for.
I am here to serve.
That is new.
I have been very selfish my entire life,but I am here to serve.
here to serve God first, that I am here toserve my family, then I am here to serve
(13:39):
ADHD people, like our ADHD parents, likethat's who I'm here to serve.
And yeah, if I haven't helped you, andbecause I haven't been able to get the
message to you, I'm sorry for that.
I am refocusing.
I'm trying to stay relevant to what mydesires are, and that is to help ADHD
parents.
And so I've got a new webinar I'mbuilding.
(14:00):
I scrapped the other one because it wasfor everybody and
I think it will be a good backend offeringlike to ADHD parents who've already been
in my, like been through my processes andthey're like, Hey, this is something I'm
struggling with also.
And that's connecting with relationshipsthat have gone stale.
I think that is a problem that happenswith a lot of ADHD parents.
(14:21):
Like as their kids get older, there are alot of those relationships that struggle.
Um, like I, my relationship, my parentshas been a massive struggle because my
parents are ADHD and autistic and theydon't.
want to come to the table in a in a nontoxic way.
So these are the things I've struggledwith.
(14:41):
And I think that can help people with thatdown the road.
But right now the focus is how can I helpADHD parents show up in a way that allows
them to claim the power that they havethat they've that they've been taught to
suppress.
And so like that is through connectionwith the inner voice.
And that's what my new webinar is about.
Anyway, so that's a lot.
(15:03):
the next thing I want to just jump into isI just just jump right into the meat of
the episode because I've already gone 15minutes talking about all the other
exciting stuff that's going on in lifebecause every day is exciting.
Like every day I realize is like thejourney is happening.
So but this this battle is also happening.
(15:25):
This war is being waged that I wasn'taware of for my I don't know.
37 38 years of my life almost 40 now thatI Do not believe I'm worthy sometimes
before I didn't believe I was worthy a lotof the time and I didn't realize that I
(15:49):
was making decisions based off of thatworthiness that I didn't believe I had
every single day so like you know, but Iwhat I'm talking about is like choosing a
Like making decisions based on a futureyou think you do or don't deserve.
I showed up to the fire department.
(16:10):
Let's let's back up first.
Like my value story goes pretty far back.
There's been several iterations of how Ivalued myself, but it's never been based
on me.
It was always in relation to somethingelse.
And that started out early, like in myearly high school years, it was very,
(16:30):
achievement and reward based.
It was if I am getting awards, if I amhitting the grades, if I am getting
positions, if I am in clubs, if I'mgetting pats on the back, if I'm getting
accolades, then I'm valuable because thatis what my parents told me.
They told me if you get A's, we'll giveyou money.
(16:51):
If you do well in school, you will getfreedom.
You will get to do whatever you want.
You'll get to be out and blah, blah, blah.
If you.
perform well in sports, then you will getmore attention.
You will get more hugs and love andadoration.
Like that's, that is, those were theexchanges we had.
So that is what I thought my value wasbased in.
(17:14):
And that last, that lasted until I lefthigh school.
And then I got out from under that regimeof being parented by people who were
transacting in accolades.
once I was able to leave that, it was justlike a value void.
Like I just didn't, I didn't really thinkabout it.
(17:37):
It was just like, I was just, you know,enamored with this exciting new experience
of not having that pressure.
And then I like for the first time I hadto start struggling at school and wasn't
automatically great at things.
So I wasn't getting those accolades.
So I guess, I guess it was just that Ididn't get the value positives.
It was just the value negative.
of like feeling like, man, am I supposedto be here?
(17:58):
And what am I doing here?
But then I started to, at that time, carryover something that had happened a little
bit in high school was like transactionalrelationships.
It's like, how many different people can Iget to like me?
Like, you know, friendships, romanticrelationships, whatever it's like, I would
(18:18):
just try to jump into all theserelationships and get people to engage
with me in a way that said like, you'reimportant.
Like we like to have you around.
And that is like, that is how I started toderive my value as I got into college and
I started to like hang out with sororitygirls because there was, you know, those
were the cool kids on campus.
And then I started to hang out withfraternity because like those guys, like,
(18:41):
you know, they knew how to get friends.
And once again, like I didn't care aboutany of this stuff personally.
I just wanted to be, wanted to feelvalued.
I wanted to feel like some sort of senseof self -worth and.
I thought if I had the more friends I had,even though I was never really good at
caring friendships over long periods oftime, unless it was with like total
(19:04):
narcissists who were using me forsomething, but those, those transactional
relationships, it's like, if I could justget more of them, if I could just stack
the number of people who knew me and likedme, then that means I'm valuable, right?
Well, that didn't really like, that didn'tgive me any sort of fulfillment
whatsoever.
And also,
(19:26):
People will disappoint you like 100 % ofthe time if you don't have a solid
foundation for yourself.
Because what you want from them willconstantly change because what you want in
life will constantly change.
And so they're gonna be trying to hit amoving target if they care.
Like if they care, why would they evencare?
(19:48):
Because you're not a solid human being.
Like you don't know what you want in life,you're a flake.
Like that's what I was.
So.
That didn't work out either.
And then so I moved on to thattransactional relationship thing for a
while, like finding value in that.
And then I got kicked out of school and myhouse got raided for drugs and you know,
(20:09):
all of that stuff happens because I dealtdrugs as part of that.
Like this will make me more valuable as aperson to hang around with because I've
got the drugs, right?
I mean, it may be more popular, but itdoesn't make you more valuable.
I still hadn't learned that yet.
So getting out of that part, I just wentinto kind of another value vacuum in which
(20:35):
I was just like, I am not worth shit.
Like, because I now I don't have any ofthe accolades, I've been kicked out of
school, all my friends have disappearedbecause they were there for the drugs and
for the parties and for the, you know, thepopularity contest and I'm not in it
anymore, not in the contest anymore.
So none of those people are around.
And so I have nobody and I have nothing.
(20:58):
So I'm worthless.
And that was, that was the value of what Iwalked around with for, I don't know, a
few years, like my, my early to midtwenties was like a value vacuum.
And I met my wife and she was able to careabout me and show me that I was worth
(21:19):
something, even though I had nothing.
She used to care for me anyways, andshowed me that I did have some value.
Still don't know why.
Still trying to figure that out, but.
That was kind of the end of the valuevacuum at that time.
And then, you know, there was probably acouple of other things, but I haven't
(21:40):
figured out what drove those value -baseddecisions back then until I get back to
about 10 years ago, whenever I am tryingto attach my value to fatherhood.
It's like, I'm providing for my family.
I'm a father.
I'm a father.
Like, I'm bringing in money.
(22:02):
Like, I was enough.
And then we had another kid.
And the third one was coming and was like,oh crap, I'm not providing enough anymore.
So like, I'm not valuable as a father.
So then I went to the fire department.
It was like, this will give me value.
Being a firefighter will make me avaluable human being because I'm doing
(22:24):
something that is valuable.
So if I make this valuable thing that Ido, my identity, then I will be valuable.
That is a logical argument, right?
ipso facto value equals value.
But whenever that's not an actual internalbelief, I never actually really believe
(22:47):
that I was a firefighter.
I didn't ever actually really believe thatwhat I was doing had anything to do with
anything besides survival.
I took the job because I needed to providefor my family.
Like it was like my lives, those hierarchyof needs, like I
I wanted to keep food and shelter over myfamily's head.
(23:07):
And it was just like grunting and reactingacross the finish line to get through the
academy.
And as I struggled through that identityof firefighter and I kept being told that
I was not one of them, you were not herefor the right reasons.
(23:28):
You're not one of us.
Don't, don't.
come to our events outside of work like weunderstand we have to work with you but
you're not one of us.
Those specific words were not said but Iwas made fun of and I was chastised unlike
anybody else and I was singled out and Iwas isolated and every other thing that
made sure that I knew that I was not oneof them even though that's what my value
(23:53):
was tied to.
So obviously like this was worse than thevalue vacuum this is a massive value
deficit.
I was...
I was feeling pretty fucked up.
And so in that situation is like theperception of others was able to control
my value because they said I wasn't one ofthem and being one of them is what I
(24:16):
thought may be valuable.
So their, their, their disagreement withthat made me feel not valuable.
So I don't think that's the way to goeither.
To wrap it up, because that was threefailed ways of me trying to find value,
like try to find my own self -worth, isexternally through accolades and
(24:42):
achievements, externally throughtransactional relationships, externally
through career and job identity.
Now, what has changed is that, yeah, Istill identify as a father.
It's definitely part of...
who I am, but my value is serving apurpose.
(25:07):
It's not about me anymore.
It's not about like how much I'm worth.
It's about what I can give.
It's kind of hard still for me to wrap mymind around because I'm still like I'm
still exploring this new thing.
Like I said earlier, service is pretty newto me.
But like true service, like I did.
(25:29):
I was a firefighter for 10 years, so Iserved, but really believing in trying to
give back to a population that I caredeeply about and doing it with all of my
heart and all of my being like that'spretty new and.
Because of that it doesn't matter whatanybody else says like this is about me
(25:52):
giving Value like the value isn't is whatI give it's not about what is what is what
is placed on me and
giving that like serving has provided likea an inner confidence and an inner value
that I didn't think was gonna ever beavailable for me.
(26:15):
And that also has spread to, I don't knowif it's spread to my family or my family
spread to my purpose.
I don't know either way like I serve myfamily now and it is very different.
I'm still not perfect at it.
There's still you know ways I wish I couldserve my family better.
I wish I would.
And that's why I'm, you know, trying to bemore physically fit.
So it's easier for me to serve my familywithout the complaints of pain.
(26:38):
But there's still like that laziness in methat is still, that I'm still breaking.
You know, I'm stuck.
That is part of why it is so importantthat I show up for my daily routine every
single day, that I go for my walk everysingle day, unless something extraordinary
happens, that I show up and I do theseboring things to break the laziness.
(27:01):
because like the laziness is like it'sjust an addiction to comfort and that
comfort is the obstacle sorry that comfortis the barrier to my dreams and my dreams
is to serve thousands and thousands ofpeople and help them find their purpose
and engage in their lives in the way thati get to and that is so valuable to me now
(27:26):
because nobody can take that away from me.
As long as I keep trying to serve, I amliving out my purpose.
How does someone take that?
Like I own all my channels, like you can,I guess you could shut down my internet,
but I still have a hotspot.
So I don't know.
I don't know how somebody could take itaway from me.
I'm sure there's a way, but.
(27:50):
I don't know.
The biggest lesson to take from this iswhether you see your value or not, you
have it.
You may not have found it yet.
You may have not learned how to expresswhat it is about you that's valuable, but
you have it.
And a secondary part of my value andpurpose is that I also have inherent value
(28:12):
as one of God's children.
Like by just being born, we are allvaluable.
We are all worth something special.
And that is what I'm giving back.
Like that value is what was given to me.
Like from the beginning that was alwaysthere, was always inside of me.
(28:32):
I just didn't know that.
And once I understood that I was alreadyvaluable, then I was able to start giving
it back and start pouring it into othersand try to give it to whoever will take
it.
And that's my purpose.
I hope this is all making some kind ofsense to you, but I feel like it's a good
(28:56):
place to wrap it up.
If you are in this place where you are notseeing your own self -worth, if you're not
able to pinpoint your value, know thatnumber one, it is there because you were
created in God's image and you arevaluable.
And two, there is something greater therefor you.
(29:17):
There is an impulsive view that existsthat has been suppressed and told that
you're broken and it's okay.
It's okay to have believed that lie, butit's time to wake up.
It's time to let go of all the stories andlimiting the limiting doubts and self
beliefs that you have and start living theimpulsive view because there is so much
(29:40):
more out there for you.
If you can start to live within aframework that allows you to live
impulsive.
to trust your urges and to do the thingsthat matter to you, not to society.
There's something very, very importantthere, but you have to learn how to let go
of the guilt, shame and regret first,clear your mind and learn to work within
(30:02):
the framework that allows you to guideyour impulses like a missile to destroy
the obstacles to your dreams.
And that's what I help people do.
And if you are curious about more,
please go to www .impulsive .life forwardslash consult instead of a free
consultation with me, because I would loveto talk to you more.
(30:24):
And in that consultation, I amguaranteeing you, I am going to give you
at least three techniques that are goingto help provide relief for you today.
As soon as you start to apply them, youare going to see a change in your life.
But you have to make the decision first.
You have to decide that you want tochange.
(30:45):
that you want to see your value, that youwant to live a life of purpose.
You have to be willing to let go of thecomfort.
It was really hard for me, so I know it'shard for somebody else.
But if you can be willing to let go ofthat comfort and start to reach for
something greater, then I can help you.
And I hope that you'll give me a call.
I'll talk to you guys next week onAuthentic On Air.
(31:06):
That is it for this episode.
And I think it's been pretty fun.
Yeah, I hope you guys are learning tovalue yourselves like I am.
and grow in that value and give it back.
I'll talk to you guys next week.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.