March 13, 2024 • 45 mins
Summary
In this episode, Coach Bruce opens up his journal and discusses random topics. He shares his experiences of being off medication and the challenges he faces in preparing for his podcast.
He explores the power of his own thoughts and beliefs, particularly around self-worth and body image. Bruce delves into the concept of expanding capacity and the importance of being true to oneself. He also discusses the impact of unconscious lies and the need to uncover internal truths. The episode concludes with a discussion on the future direction of the podcast.
Listen... I've been off of ADHD meds for over 2 weeks now and I have had full schedule.
So today I am going to cover 4-6 random topics from my personal digital conversations called the stack. There is a lot of really personal shit in there that I could possibly regret airing out but I'm feeling impulsive.
I am trying to be totally transparent with my audience anyways so let's just do it!
If you are interested in living a life so real that you could read your journal live and not have anything to hide than I can help you!
But you have to ask for help first! Go to http://www.authenticidentitymanagement.com/assessment and take the ADHD Aimless Life assessment to get your Aimless Life Rating and free resources from me to start living your life on purpose!
Don't forget to like and comment on the video and follow me @AuthenticBruce on all platforms!
Takeaways
- Being off medication allows for more impulsivity and freedom to be oneself.
- Recognizing and challenging negative beliefs about self-worth and body image is crucial for personal growth.
- Expanding capacity in all areas of life leads to greater fulfillment and purpose.
- Uncovering unconscious lies and embracing truth is essential for personal transformation.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:42):
you
As I continue to evolve down the crazyspiral of being unmedicated, I apparently
continue to lose my ability to prepare forthis podcast.
So today, instead of writing an episode, Iwent ahead and opened up my journal and
(01:05):
grabbed some random entries, and I'm gonnagrab a topic and just talk.
We'll do that like four to six times.
We'll see how long, you know, somewherebetween 30 minutes an hour, we'll see how
this goes.
This is my podcast, I do what I want.
Welcome back to Authentic On Air withBruce Alexander.
So I've been off of ADHD medication forabout two weeks now and it's going great.
(01:27):
I feel completely different than I've everfelt being off of medication and that's
exciting to me, but there are certainthings that are falling through the crack
a little bit.
I've got a lot of processes that I'veinput and things that I've habit stacked
and been able to like really ingrain thosethings thanks to the medication while I
(01:47):
was in them.
Preparing for the podcast is one that Ihad gotten off of because I had done so
many prerecorded episodes that I wasn'tprepping for the podcast regularly.
And so here I am doing in the middle ofdoing a challenge for trying to.
my body being balanced and business all inalignment.
(02:09):
I'm taking a extra course.
I'm trying to continue to launch my ownpersonal business and I am coaching some
clients inside of that business.
I sound very ADHD at the moment.
I'm taking on a lot.
So whenever it comes to doing thepreparation for the podcast the way I used
to, it's not happening right now.
(02:30):
But the good news is, is being off of thatmedication allows me to be impulsive.
I am much more relaxed and feel free to bemyself because I don't have that voice
inside of me from the medication tellingme do it the neuro typical way.
(02:51):
I'm not saying that's what medication doesfor everybody.
But for me, that is what the medicationwas.
It allowed me to dead in my motions enoughand to step back and look at things
logically to try to do it the neurotypical way and
a lot of things that worked great, butworking at home on a personal like my own
(03:14):
business, my own brand.
Why was I trying to do everything theneurotypical way?
This seems silly.
I don't have specific sorry, I don't havespecific hours.
So why not stop trying to be so beholdento the clock.
And that's worked out mostly well for me.
(03:35):
But now I just I had to wake up earlierbecause
There's more stuff I want to get done.
So you want to get more stuff done, youneed more time.
How do you create more time?
You try to stick to a sleep schedule andit's gone.
All right.
I've actually gone to sleep before 1230one o 'clock almost every night for the
past three weeks.
(03:55):
And the reason why this has worked for meis because I it's because of something I
want is not to go to sleep early and wakeup to a job that I fucking hate.
like it was for the fire department.
You know, shout out to all thosefirefighters out there.
Appreciate what you're doing.
It was not for me.
(04:15):
And then waking up for something that Iwasn't passionate about was not for me.
Waking up for something that fills my souland gives me purpose, that excites me to
wake up for it.
But I'm still not that excited.
Like I'm, you know, I'm waking up becauseI work from home.
I'm able to take my time, meditate firstthing in the morning.
do some like flexibility stretching stuff,do some like discovery, some, some mental
(04:41):
improvement and get a workout in before Iever even start working.
That was something that I was never ableto do because I had to go, go to my job at
the butt crack of dawn and then be onsomebody else's schedule for the rest of
the, well, for a time for 24 hours.
And then after that, for at least 10 hoursevery day.
(05:04):
And by the time you, especially as aneurotypical, by the time you spend 10
hours on somebody else's schedule, doingwhat they say you need to do, basically
masking and pretending like this is whatyou want to be doing.
You get home and you're fucking exhausted.
Like you can hardly do the things that youneed to do to interact with your family,
(05:26):
let alone do anything for yourself tobring you like peace of mind and joy.
So anyways.
The goal today is to pull up what iscalled MyStack.
This is my digital journal I've been usingfor the last couple of weeks in which it
allows me to have conversations with myinner voice.
(05:47):
And at times I would say prettyconfidently that God shows up in these
conversations and provides me with sometruly insightful takeaways.
And I'm just gonna pull up some of theserandom ones and we're gonna talk about it
a little bit.
And just so you know, this is not PG.
(06:07):
I thought about censoring it to a degree,but that's not what my mind is.
That's not what my journal is.
Like I'm sitting here looking at the firstone I'm going to pull up and it is the
title of it is Bruce's fat fucking mouth.
So if, if that doesn't sound like it's foryou, goodbye, like feel free to go.
But this is going to be real and honestand I'm not going to censor.
(06:33):
the creative process that has brought meso much enlightenment.
So, you know, take it or leave it.
So I'm going to go ahead and share myscreen.
For those of you who are listening, that'swhenever you open the screen that you're
looking at.
And on this screen, I've got my journalopened up.
(06:56):
It is loading.
I hope it's loading, it worked the secondI go.
What?
Okay, we're going to try that againbecause it didn't take.
Oh, it rakes your entire screen.
There you go.
(07:16):
Boop.
Alright, sweet.
Entire screen is up.
We're good to go.
So, it's actually titled The King Insideof Me, but it started out being titled as
Bruce's Fat Fucking Mouth.
So once I worked through the trigger thatI was wanting to work through, which is,
(07:37):
the trigger was, last night I sat down fora little snacky -poo of some Lay's BBQ
chips, the Sam size, and...
At the bottom of the bag, I realized thatI was a piece of shit.
And that is not the most helpful ideologyto have, but that's how I felt whenever I
(08:00):
whenever I reached the bottom of the bag.
I'd eaten entire Sam's.
I mean, it had been open, so I'll giveI'll give myself a little bit of leniency
and say I ate three quarters of a bag of aSam size bag of Lay's barbecue chips.
That is a shit ton of chips.
And I then had it like a
during that I had a sprite and so wheneverI stood up, I felt like Santa Claus, but
(08:22):
like with injected steel into his bowl ofjelly.
My stomach felt so solid and bloated.
I went, you know, I went to bed and I feltlike garbage didn't sleep well.
And so whenever I woke up, I wanted towork through this, this anger I had with
myself for my fat fucking mouth for notbeing able to just, you know, say no.
(08:46):
not being able to like have some sort ofself control.
And what's different about this, thestacking process is the first thing you
have to do is whenever you are coming intoa rage stack, whenever something is really
triggered you, like it's really pissingyou off because in this process, we just
(09:07):
accept the fact that anger is God'strigger for you to expand.
That is so you lean all the way into theanger and you accept that.
You have been given this chance to growand expand who you are.
So in this, I jumped in and I just I justit doesn't say all the stuff, but.
(09:30):
I don't know if it does.
It says all the positive stuff that I cutthat I came out of this with, but the
trigger was telling me that I'm a fatpiece of shit and I have no self control.
But I had to do that.
I had to get all these things like allthese thoughts that I have about myself,
all these these limiting self beliefs thatI have.
(09:52):
I've ignored him for, oh, I don't know myentire life.
And they've always come creeping back up.
Even whenever I was.
I would say, I don't know, 30, 45 poundslighter than I am, but I was just solid
muscle.
I looked at my mirror, I looked in themirror and thought, what a piece of shit
like I literally.
(10:13):
could not stand looking at myself.
Part of that was because I was just aspoorly emotionally and like mentally fit
as I am now physically fit.
But that, you know, the same thing remainsis that I had this really negative belief
about who I was and how I showed up andbeing able to pull this out and have this
(10:36):
conversation with myself and step awayfrom the story that.
I don't have control of what it is that Iput in my body.
Allow me to unleash the fact that...
Let's jump.
It starts here.
(10:57):
It allows me to get this new story.
This new story that allowed me to paintfor myself is I'm the fucking man that I
will lead my kingdom to abundance, that Iwill do whatever it takes for as long as
it takes to feel and look like I can, Ican and will fuck up anyone who comes for
anyone or anything that belongs to mykingdom.
(11:19):
I am an active and physical leader who isable to perform the task necessary to
freely inspire confidence and honor.
for my queen and my prosperity.
My prosperity is my children and thepeople who are closely connected to me.
I fuck on top.
That means exactly what you think itmeans.
And you can take it or leave it, butthat's not something that's been happening
for a while because I've been too fat.
(11:39):
And that's something that's gonna change.
So I am a four dimensional man who owns apowerful yes and a powerful no.
I talk to God daily and when he says move,I fucking move.
I make my queen and prosperity feel loved,led and protected at the deepest possible.
That is what came from me eating a bag ofchips.
(12:02):
Like that story has made me feel morepowerful than I have ever felt in my
entire life.
I don't know how else to say it.
I this was I don't know two hours ofwriting to get to this point, but the
words that I used to describe myself atthis point were power.
(12:25):
Domination, sovereignty, which is thehighest level of power, freedom, pumped,
geeked, hyped, explosive.
This moment of utter disgust with myself,burned this moment that had me feeling
power, domination, freedom.
(12:47):
How wild is that?
And what the big takeaway for me from thisspecific story,
is this starts with truth.
It starts with being able to tell yourselfthe true story, like the real guttural,
here's what I'm dealing with story versussaying, no, no, I'm fine.
(13:11):
I've been telling myself I've been finefor the last six months and I my weight
has just gotten out of control because I'mnot fine.
I'm not okay with this.
I hate it.
And because I was telling myself I wasokay with it, I was okay not doing
anything about it.
And it's easy to say, well, you know, I'mstarting a business.
(13:33):
I'm doing much better as a father and ahusband.
I've come so much closer to God.
So three things are working pretty well.
But whenever you don't have all of yourcore four working in unison, you are
missing out on a massive amount of power.
And I think even,
if you can at least recognize where yourweakness is, which mine is in the body,
(13:58):
that has already given me so much power tojust realize how much it is holding me
back.
Now that I, you know, if I can continue tomake tiny bits of progress each day, I
know that I am continuing to lead mykingdom to the abundance that is set aside
for me.
And that's pretty exciting.
So, oh, I also...
(14:22):
in this found that this was like reallywild to me is that this thing this part of
me that I hated have hated you know don'tdon't hate me more because I see it as
something different but have this you knowstrong distaste for turned out to be that
I uncovered is the key to making me theking I want to be to making me the leader
(14:47):
that is able to actively lead.
my family, my business, my, you know, myflock, the people who respect and listen
to me.
That fat fucking mouth that I hate so muchis the actual kingmaker.
It is the thing that I need most to beable to speak to that flock, to speak to a
(15:11):
movement, to have this podcast.
It both feeds my information out and itgives me the nutrition and the
rejuvenation I need like.
through calories like, but I've been sofocused on hating what it does and
focusing on the negative aspect of it thatI literally had zero love for this part of
(15:35):
my face and the and what it representslike my fat fucking mouth isn't just my
literal mouth.
It is the mentality of eating like justall of eating.
I just I hate how I've done it for so longbecause
I couldn't see that there's somethingimportant there.
There's something that I needed to faceand it was, I'm worthy of the nutrition
(15:58):
that will bring me to that next level.
There was a huge block of self -worth thatI was struggling to get over because I
looked at myself in the mirror and said,you don't deserve it.
I have to let go of that.
I have to let go of that story that Idon't deserve it because I've accepted a
(16:21):
calling from God.
I've said like I have said it over andover again.
I am called to speak to ADHD parents.
And if I have accepted a calling from God,I need to, I need to level myself up
continually to be strong enough to carrythe burden.
I have to stop making excuses and me notbeing worthy.
(16:42):
It says that God made the wrong choice.
God doesn't make the wrong choice.
Either you step up and you receive what hegave, what he has for you or you don't.
He chose me.
And so I have to show up.
I have to step up.
And because unfortunately I live inAmerica and people look at, you know, my
(17:02):
man boobs and don't want to follow me.
They don't want to listen to this guy.
Even whenever I was, you know, three 10and I was jacked.
I'm just like total muscle.
people still wanted to nitpick me and findreasons to not find me worthy.
I mean, fuck them, but still it's true.
(17:24):
I have to first see myself as worthybefore anybody else is gonna see it, to
really, really believe it.
And if I am disrespecting this God givenvessel, then how am I going to be the one
that people choose to...
be the facilitator of their transition.
(17:44):
So I have to do better.
So that is topic one.
That was about 20 minutes.
So we'll maybe do one or two more.
All right, we'll pull back up the sharescreen.
I would love people to interact with thisand tell me, is this stupid?
Like, am I dumb for sharing my journal?
Like, as I saw the words come up, it was alittle cringy.
(18:05):
It was like, oh God, why am I doing this?
Warrior Corps, I don't want to go too muchinto what Warrior is until I get my
Warrior Training certification.
I'm not really also being, okay, I'm justgoing to close my eyes and I'm going to
flip back and forth.
And here.
(18:27):
Okay.
So let's start at the top.
Wait, we kind of did this already.
Stepping back, what have you created from,I'm sorry, stepping back from what you
have created so far.
Why is this gratitude trigger beenextremely positive?
I have identified that Bruce's fat fuckingmouth is the kingmaker understanding that
understanding that and coming intoalignment with my calling has just
(18:50):
unlocked unlimited possibility and hasgiven me the last piece I need to go to
the future I have designed.
I love it.
I'm absolutely dude like I'm gettingchills reading my own words of this
conversation that is my like myconversation with God like I could not
have gotten here by myself.
I've literally been struggling in thissame spot for 10 years.
(19:12):
Like I've lost the weight.
I put it back on.
I've lost the way to put it back on.
I put on muscle.
I've lost fat.
I've lost fat.
I've lost muscle.
I've done it all, but the mentality hasnever changed.
I've always hated myself and not thought Iwas worthy of actually giving myself the
life giving fuel that will transform meinto the king that I am supposed to be.
(19:34):
This is different.
Like,
It's shit's changed.
The game will never be the same.
It will never be the same.
I'm also not the same.
Like I feel so different being off ofmedication.
I feel like I've I've maintained enough ofthe the logic and organization to not be a
total mess.
But that impulsivity that I I think isgood.
(19:56):
The you know, the.
Sporadic, what is the what is it from Clu,the sporadic.
It's sporadic, whatever.
That is good.
I like to I like to have you know,something new, something fresh coming into
my mind all the time.
So many ideas, so many things I want todo.
And I love it.
So we're going to try that again.
(20:17):
New, new pool.
And here on this side.
All right, eyes open.
Let's start at the top again.
So stepping back from what you'vediscovered, why was this discovery
extremely positive?
This was not meant to be an angry stack.
So I'm struggling to see the positive atthe moment.
I'm just going to write and be with it fora minute until I get there.
(20:41):
It is really frustrating when I have goteverything going well.
I'm firing on all cylinders and I reachout to my wife to connect with no
expectation and nothing but positiveenergy.
And I met with a fuck you.
Ooh, I think this is.
extremely positive because I'm realizingthat the zero expectation game is
bullshit.
I say that I'm reaching out with zeroexpectation and that is a lie.
(21:02):
There is no expectation of sexual or evenintimate response, but I do have
expectations as to what basic humaninteraction looks or will look like.
But even that expectation is pretty unfairbecause the burden I allow her to carry
makes it almost impossible to even connecton a human level at all.
Ooh.
This is positive because I recognize thatI either need to step up and take more of
(21:25):
the load off of her shoulders or continueto show up consistently attempting to
achieve the same connection and have noexpectation at all.
Looking at how positive the discoverytrigger has been, what is the singular
lesson about life you're taking from thisstack?
Lighten the load or expand my capacity.
Expand my capacity.
(21:45):
That is expand is my new favorite word,expand.
Whenever you get angry expand whenever youget sad expand whenever you're happy
expand it is.
It is the answer that solves every problemand it is the answer that improves every
(22:06):
every answer like if you're happy expandhappiness is good joy is better
fulfillment is even better than that butwhat if you were triggered to feel
grateful for the happiness or the.
joy you had and you expanded on that andyou were able to hold more joy.
You were able to hold more.
(22:29):
What is the other one I just said?
more joy, more happiness, morefulfillment, more purpose.
What if you could expand?
And what I've realized through thisprocess is it's no longer what if, it's
when.
Like I can literally write the scriptmyself and make these decisions on the
(22:52):
spot to say, I will expand becauseeverything that has limited me in the past
has been me.
So everything that will set me free fromhere on out will be me.
That is like that is where like thatunderstanding being able to like
(23:15):
understand that myself and being able tohelp other people understand that is where
the game changes.
I help other people be able to see wherethey're trying to change to like I don't
change them.
I am not the person who is going to saveyou.
I am going to facilitate you savingyourself by being an outside set of eyes,
(23:35):
holding space for you and holding up amirror for you to be able to like have
these types of conversations and be ableto offer tools and offer strategies for
you to work through all the same stuff I'mworking through, but that I've got
experience working through because I'vehad almost 40 years of shoveling shit in
(23:56):
my life.
I've had a lot of bad experiences.
that I now see as ammunition for like forthe weapon that is me.
Like all of that was just loading my ammopack.
It was just making me more and more lethalin solving problems in other people's
lives.
It's pretty amazing.
(24:16):
It's pretty exciting to me.
So just to go back a little bit more,initially that the story I was telling
you, like I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go allthe way in.
The story that this last reading came fromwas I was super irritated because I had
started writing and my wife came in andshe started to change and I looked at her
(24:39):
and I was just like, what's up?
And she was overwhelmed and irritated andshe's like, don't look at me.
And my feelings were hurt.
Like I was just trying, I was just likebeing like a tiny bit flirty, but also
just saying good morning.
Cause I was in a good mood and, and shesnapped at me and.
All of the stories, like all the limitingbeliefs, all of the things that were
(25:01):
existing in my head that I was pretendingweren't all came just flushing in me
saying like, I'm not trying to getanything out of her.
Like it was not true.
Like I wanted validation from my wife.
It's not like it's not unfair to wantthat, but it's, it's a lie.
It is a lie to say I wasn't expectinganything.
I was expecting to receive validation frommy wife.
(25:23):
Whenever I said good morning, does it.
Is it a bad thing to expect that doesn'tmatter?
What matters is me keeping my side of thestreet clean and telling the truth, being
real with myself and saying, I didn'texpect anything.
That's fucking why I did expect something.
I do expect things.
There are things that I expect.
And whenever I can, like, pull it out andstep back and look at it and like, see
(25:47):
that caught you off guard because youexpected it and then you got but hurt.
That's what I want to be able to do is beable to step away from those things and
see.
and see like you're triggered by thisbecause you told yourself that you didn't
expect anything, but you didn't expectthis one thing, but you still expected
something.
And so then I'm able to come into thissituation next time and actually not have
(26:10):
that expectation.
Just say good morning.
Mean it with the, you know, all of the joyand kindness of my heart and just give her
that gift.
This is something that I've grown up veryentrenched in is the giving of gifts.
with the expectation of receivingsomething in return.
(26:31):
Like my father, very much that person whowas like, he gave me something 10 years
ago and will ask, where's that thing Igave you?
I need it back.
It's like, you gave me?
Like I sold it for crack rocks dad, backoff.
But he thinks that every gift that yougive is like a...
(26:53):
and out and out to exchange an alchemy.
It's like I give you something I need likeI will receive something in due time and I
don't ever want to be like that.
I want to actually be able to give giftsof kindness of peace of transformation of
whatever and then actually be gifts andwhenever there's transactions everybody is
(27:15):
aware and they're happy to transact withme the people who you know, I call clients
who are really.
I don't know, I need a new name for thembecause there's so much more.
They are like co -conspirators, they'recollaborators.
We are on this journey together and I'mjust like a little farther along in the
(27:36):
journey.
I have a little bit more knowledge on howto navigate and I'm sharing that with them
and they know that they are part of atransactional process and they are happy
to pay me on a bi -weekly basis because Iam giving them value.
And I'm not tricking them and saying like,oh no, like this isn't going to be this,
but it's going to be this.
And then sweet baiting and switching them.
(27:58):
That's what it is.
Whenever you give a gift and you say lateron, where's, where's my, you know, where's
my, whatever, where's my receipt?
Where's my ticket?
Where's my, where's my exchange for what Igave you?
That's, that was a little bit of an ADHDmoment.
That was a little bit of a, um, what doyou call it?
A little bit of a meander.
(28:18):
I think that's what the Obama call it, alittle bit of a meander.
So in the rest of this discovery, it asks,in this moment, what discovery has anger
and irritation triggers activated in you?
I'm still struggling to figure out whatanger and irritation triggers I have
suppressed, but I know they are there.
As I started this stack, my wife came into change and I told her that she looked
(28:40):
cute and she told me not to watch herchange.
This definitely triggered the fuck out ofme.
What story are you telling yourself aboutthis discovery?
My wife is the only constant.
So this is the story that was in my mind.
My wife is the only constant source ofirritation and anger that exists in my
life.
And that is not a trigger for growth.
It makes me feel like shit for just tryingto love and connect with her.
(29:02):
Describe the single word feelings thatarise for you when you tell yourself that
story stuck, helpless, frustrated.
Describe the specific thoughts and actionsthat arise for you when you tell yourself
the story.
I want to start over with someone else.
I want to ultimate them her into therapy.
I want to find someone who values me andappreciates my attempts to connect.
She is the villain and doesn't contributeanything positive to the story.
(29:25):
So stepping back, why has it beenextremely positive?
And that's what I read earlier.
So I'm not going to read that again.
I need to lighten my load or expand mycapacity.
I'm going to apply this lesson to balance.
So with my wife, the lesson I learned waslighten the load or expand my capacity.
How does this lesson apply to your balancedomain?
I cannot continue to expect my queen tojuggle a thousand roles and still have the
(29:50):
capacity to hold space for me.
I must step up at least or in at least oneof these areas.
See, and this is where like why thisprocess is so important is because three
paragraphs ago I was so pissed off.
This was her fault.
And in my mind, especially if you wereADHD and you have, you know, rejection
(30:10):
since this for you or you have that, that,uh,
that negative dialogue loop going on inyour head, you get caught up in telling
these stories that make everybody else thevillain.
Everything is everybody else's fault.
But whenever you can pull this stuff outand walk the block and look at what's
actually happening, I come to the placewhere I now look at it and say, I'm not
(30:31):
doing my fucking job.
I'm not taking care of my wife.
I'm not giving her space.
and room to breathe to where she's able toeven think about give me what I need
because she's so busy giving everything toeverybody.
She has nothing for herself.
And those are the kinds of thoughts thatsave marriages.
Those are the kinds of thoughts that startprocesses that repair years and years of
(30:56):
damage.
And I can't do that.
Like most people can't do that forthemselves by themselves.
They need help.
And that is what I do for other people.
That's what
what the stack does for me.
So anyways, and then you, you from there,you like figure out more revelation.
(31:16):
So what is the most significant revelationor insight that you are leaving the
discover stack with?
Why do you feel this way?
I am still responding like a toddler toconflict in my marriage.
I have no resiliency.
I take a tiny wound from a caged animaland I'm ready to put it down.
I am not accessing my capacity for graceand compassion.
I am still extraordinarily self -centered.
(31:39):
This is honesty.
This is being brutally honest and realwith yourself and using it to grow.
I will never be the person that I want tobe if I rest on my laurels and say I'm
already good enough.
I have to admit where I'm failing.
And this is one of the spaces.
I am still self -centered.
(31:59):
A lot of times I'm more concerned onworking on myself to be able to handle the
things than just
handling things.
And that's something that I'm working onright now is just taking on more trying to
leave less in the tank, trying to be liketrying to leave it all in the field every
game versus like trying to save it all upfor the playoffs, which I'm not going to
make it to because I'm getting my asskicked every game.
(32:21):
Like I just have to start leaving it allout on the field.
That's on body balance being and business.
Like I'm doing it in all those differentareas.
I have to stop saving some for this.
quote unquote later.
Like I just need to start hitting the bedexhausted.
I need to work out harder.
I need to love harder.
(32:43):
I need to parent harder.
I need to just, I need to show up and giveeverything I've got right now because
that's how you're expanding.
That's how you expand your capacity.
That's how you give God to like, that'show you give God the signal that you're
ready to accept more.
That's where energy comes from that youdidn't have before is you give it all to
somebody else.
(33:04):
And God says, I'm going to give you somemore.
But if you are constantly holding it foryourself, that's all you get.
You will get no more.
You will expand nothing.
You get nothing.
You lose.
That's it.
So and then you the end of this is youhave to tie it to an action because you
(33:26):
can do all the talkie talkie talkie youwant.
If you're not tying it to action, it isnot turning into anything.
So.
The immediate actions I was committed toleaving the stack was being more
compassionate in all of my interactions,breathing and thinking before I spin out
emotionally.
So that is another stack.
It's been 33 minutes.
(33:48):
I think I'll do one more.
Like now that I'm just like, I'm just init.
I'm just doing it.
I don't know.
I enjoy kind of reading through thisstyle.
Like this is my, this is my personalscripture.
This is basically read me writing the,
the gospel according to Bruce and me likereading back through this stuff and
(34:10):
sharing it and studying it is reminding meof the things I need to know.
It's like you could read the Bible onetime and pick up a lot.
Yes, but there's still a ton of stuff thatyou're going to need to continue to read
back through to be reminded of theseimportant discoveries, important lessons
that have been bestowed upon your heart.
These have been bestowed to come from myheart through my hands.
(34:33):
So they feel they're personally for me.
I created them, but I created them withGod's wisdom.
Like I was just here with these feelingsand God was helping me put out words that
made sense.
So this was titled my biggest lie.
I was stacking my balance and in thismoment,
(34:59):
What did this benchmark in the challenge Iwas doing, like what did it activate in
me?
That I am not the truth teller Iconsidered myself to be.
What is the story you're telling yourselfabout this discovery?
I thought I had come to terms with mylying, which was extensive, but I really
only have progressed on my consciouslives.
The unconscious ones, the internalprogramming I've come to know is just
(35:19):
starting to reveal itself to me.
Describe the single word feelings thatarise when you tell yourself that story.
Disappointment, frustration.
Describe the specific thoughts and actionsthat arise for you when you tell yourself
the story It pisses me off that I reallythought I had made so much progress But I
just scratched the surface Not thatthey're not feeling the associated
feelings with the truth is like making apromise with your fingers crossed It
(35:43):
doesn't actually mean anything.
Oh Who wrote that?
Mmm bars.
I'm gonna say that again Not feeling theassociated feelings with the truth is like
making a promise with your fingers crossed
It doesn't actually mean anything.
This is me telling all the truth for thelast year on my podcast.
(36:04):
I've been medicated so heavily that Ididn't feel the truth that was associated
with.
I could describe it.
I could say like, oh, that makes me sad.
Yes, Dave.
That is not a very happy feeling, butactually getting into it, like feeling the
feelings I'm feeling now, getting backthrough this stuff, crying as I write,
(36:24):
getting angry whenever.
I think about the wrongs I've done, likefeeling guilty and disgusting and dirty.
Like I don't love all of it, but I lovethe results that are coming.
Like I am growing so much faster because Ican actually feel the things I've been
like hiding from my entire life.
(36:46):
I now have access to the highest of highsbecause I can feel the lowest of lows and
I'm using that to expand my capacity.
expansion.
I can get it bigger.
The capacity can be so big.
If you're willing to feel it at both ends.
That's what she said.
(37:09):
Okay, so stepping back from what you'vediscovered, why has this discovery been
extremely positive?
Now I can pull back the curtain and startto access the power I've been missing from
the real deep truth.
Looking at how positive
this discovery trigger has been what isthe singular lesson about life you are
(37:30):
taking from this stack keep digging i am amagician at hiding stuff from even myself
i want it all out in the open though so ihave to keep digging so i can expose it i
want to apply this to being the lesson ilearned was keep digging i'm a magician at
hiding stuff from even myself i want itall out in the open so i have to keep
digging so i can expose it and thisapplies to my being my relationship with
(37:53):
the higher power with god
is that I have to get my internal andexternal selves in alignment to access the
power that belongs to me, not the poserthat it says, because the poser is who I
was.
I want the power that belongs to me.
And what is the most significantrevelation or insight that you are leaving
this discover stack with?
(38:13):
Why do you feel that way?
I have been a thief.
Oh, damn bars.
I have been the thief of my own power.
Projecting a false narrative, whether Ithought it was true or not, has been
draining me of life energy.
When you function in alignment, you don'thave to feel like you are forcing
everything.
Bro.
So good.
(38:34):
I have been the thief of my own power.
Projecting a false narrative, whether Ithought it was true or not, has been
draining me of life energy.
When you function in alignment, you don'thave to feel like you are forcing
everything.
I'm...
My entire career as a firefighter wasfeeling like I was forcing everything
because it was a lie.
(38:55):
I didn't want to be there.
I didn't want to do it.
I wanted to help people.
So I said, this is what I want to do.
I wanted to help people how I helped them.
Now.
I didn't want to run into burningbuildings.
That shit sucked.
I didn't want to carry people from, youknow, in the middle of the night when piss
soaked sheets like that stuff was not fun.
(39:16):
It's a job.
It was a career that paid him.
They changed my financial status forever,but it broke me mentally because I thought
that that's who I was.
Anyways, immediate actions committed totaking, leaving this stack.
Keep digging to uncover my internal truthsand share them openly externally.
(39:37):
Bro, that's what I'm doing right now.
I did not plan this whenever I wrote that,but I am sharing them openly externally
right at this moment.
And it is beautiful.
I absolutely love this.
I might just do this for my non guestcentered podcast.
I've got three guests lined up for thenext few episodes.
(39:58):
So there will be guests.
But if you guys have listened to this andthis is something that you like, you need
to comment.
You need to let me know that this is thatthis feels as good as it feels to me
because I think I'm going to do it more.
But also if you think it's dumb.
If this if you didn't get anything fromthis, like if me like bearing this, you
(40:19):
know, very personal information did nothelp you, let me know.
That's fine.
Like I may or may not listen, but it wouldbe important to know.
It'd be nice to know.
Get in the comments and engage with thisstuff and let me know if I am providing
you with value.
That's all I want to do.
I want to help people.
(40:39):
And if you are wanting to uncover.
the lies you've been telling yourself.
If you want to stop projecting a falsenarrative, if you want to stop being the
thief of your own power, then you go takethe ADHD aimless life assessment at www
.AuthenticIdentityManagement .com forwardslash assessment and it will give you your
(41:04):
aimless life score and from there willlead you to some free resources or a
consultation with me.
totally free where I will give you somehelpful strategies to start living your
life on purpose.
I absolutely am here to help.
I am coach Bruce.
I am a life coach for ADHD parents.
(41:25):
If you're not an ADHD parent, I don't knowif I can help you.
I tried to, you know, I, my ADHD parentsthat I've helped bro, we have such a
strong connection and there's been suchgreat work done.
I tried to take the same process to myneighbor cause he's
struggling right now and he is not aparent.
(41:45):
He is not married and bro.
I have never felt so helpless leaving thatmeeting.
I usually I feel just full of energy andfire after leaving a coaching meeting.
I felt like I wanted to get in the firebecause he wasn't my he wasn't my person
like he wasn't my target audience.
(42:06):
So if you're not an ADHD parent.
then just move the fuck on.
Like apparently that is not what I'msupposed to do.
Like if you don't know if you're ADHD, butyou are a parent, if you listen to this
and it has struck you as true, that's whowe need to talk.
That is who I'm supposed to be connectingwith.
Not these single people out here who haveno kids.
(42:27):
You don't understand.
Like we are not, we're not the same.
You know, you saying, well, like I've gotmy dog and I've had her for this is not a
fucking child.
My friend is not the same.
Well, my girlfriend three years ago, Idon't fucking care.
If you're not married to her, you do notunderstand.
If you're not divorced from her, if youhaven't been through the shit with the
person, if they haven't seen you shit withthe door open, I'm sorry.
(42:50):
You are not on the level you need to be atfor us to have a conversation.
Fin!
That's it.
That is that is a show for today.
Make sure to go check out the aimless lifeassessment is in the com or in the
description and I will be back next weekwith another episode.
Next week will either be Bales Chapel whois the She works for the suicide
(43:16):
prevention hotline.
She is she is ADHD and autistic and she isreal as fuck like I'm super excited to
have her on the show she is gonna bereally awesome and then on the next
episode, I've got dr.
Alondra Rogers, I believe is her name andshe is a
an autistic and ADHD social worker who herand I talked pretty in depth about how
(43:44):
hard it was for her to get her diagnosisas autistic and it was a really
interesting story.
She also has a nonverbal autisticdaughter.
She has got some really interestinginformation to share.
They both have access to a ton ofresources.
I think that this is going to be a reallygreat growth period for the new direction
(44:06):
of the show showing up of your as yourselfand you know Being very centered and
rooted in neurodiversity where it likethat's where that's our anchor now
neurodiversity and authenticity We're notwe're not leaving from there if it ain't
about that if you ain't an ADHD parent ifyou're an autistic parent Get out of my
space.
You're not for me.
I'm not for you.
(44:27):
This is this is what we're about from hereon out.
So
Alright everybody, have a great night.
I will talk to you next week.
Be yourself and love yourself.
Peace.
And the music goes now.
I made this by the way.
Drop a beat.
By the way, why isn't that playing?
(44:49):
I did something wrong.
That makes it so silly.
Oh, and stop sharing.
All right, stop sharing the screen.
Silly boy.
And now episode over.
(45:10):
This is so much more fun, I think the newpodcast Bruce is much better we're gonna
(45:38):
we're gonna have a great time from here onout guys
to the moon let's go I'll see y 'all nextweek bye everybody
you
As I continue to evolve down the crazyspiral of being unmedicated, I apparently
continue to lose my ability to prepare forthis podcast.
So today, instead of writing an episode, Iwent ahead and opened up my journal and
(01:05):
grabbed some random entries, and I'm gonnagrab a topic and just talk.
We'll do that like four to six times.
We'll see how long, you know, somewherebetween 30 minutes an hour, we'll see how
this goes.
This is my podcast, I do what I want.
Welcome back to Authentic On Air withBruce Alexander.
So I've been off of ADHD medication forabout two weeks now and it's going great.
(01:27):
I feel completely different than I've everfelt being off of medication and that's
exciting to me, but there are certainthings that are falling through the crack
a little bit.
I've got a lot of processes that I'veinput and things that I've habit stacked
and been able to like really ingrain thosethings thanks to the medication while I
(01:47):
was in them.
Preparing for the podcast is one that Ihad gotten off of because I had done so
many prerecorded episodes that I wasn'tprepping for the podcast regularly.
And so here I am doing in the middle ofdoing a challenge for trying to.
my body being balanced and business all inalignment.
(02:09):
I'm taking a extra course.
I'm trying to continue to launch my ownpersonal business and I am coaching some
clients inside of that business.
I sound very ADHD at the moment.
I'm taking on a lot.
So whenever it comes to doing thepreparation for the podcast the way I used
to, it's not happening right now.
(02:30):
But the good news is, is being off of thatmedication allows me to be impulsive.
I am much more relaxed and feel free to bemyself because I don't have that voice
inside of me from the medication tellingme do it the neuro typical way.
(02:51):
I'm not saying that's what medication doesfor everybody.
But for me, that is what the medicationwas.
It allowed me to dead in my motions enoughand to step back and look at things
logically to try to do it the neurotypical way and
a lot of things that worked great, butworking at home on a personal like my own
(03:14):
business, my own brand.
Why was I trying to do everything theneurotypical way?
This seems silly.
I don't have specific sorry, I don't havespecific hours.
So why not stop trying to be so beholdento the clock.
And that's worked out mostly well for me.
(03:35):
But now I just I had to wake up earlierbecause
There's more stuff I want to get done.
So you want to get more stuff done, youneed more time.
How do you create more time?
You try to stick to a sleep schedule andit's gone.
All right.
I've actually gone to sleep before 1230one o 'clock almost every night for the
past three weeks.
(03:55):
And the reason why this has worked for meis because I it's because of something I
want is not to go to sleep early and wakeup to a job that I fucking hate.
like it was for the fire department.
You know, shout out to all thosefirefighters out there.
Appreciate what you're doing.
It was not for me.
(04:15):
And then waking up for something that Iwasn't passionate about was not for me.
Waking up for something that fills my souland gives me purpose, that excites me to
wake up for it.
But I'm still not that excited.
Like I'm, you know, I'm waking up becauseI work from home.
I'm able to take my time, meditate firstthing in the morning.
do some like flexibility stretching stuff,do some like discovery, some, some mental
(04:41):
improvement and get a workout in before Iever even start working.
That was something that I was never ableto do because I had to go, go to my job at
the butt crack of dawn and then be onsomebody else's schedule for the rest of
the, well, for a time for 24 hours.
And then after that, for at least 10 hoursevery day.
(05:04):
And by the time you, especially as aneurotypical, by the time you spend 10
hours on somebody else's schedule, doingwhat they say you need to do, basically
masking and pretending like this is whatyou want to be doing.
You get home and you're fucking exhausted.
Like you can hardly do the things that youneed to do to interact with your family,
(05:26):
let alone do anything for yourself tobring you like peace of mind and joy.
So anyways.
The goal today is to pull up what iscalled MyStack.
This is my digital journal I've been usingfor the last couple of weeks in which it
allows me to have conversations with myinner voice.
(05:47):
And at times I would say prettyconfidently that God shows up in these
conversations and provides me with sometruly insightful takeaways.
And I'm just gonna pull up some of theserandom ones and we're gonna talk about it
a little bit.
And just so you know, this is not PG.
(06:07):
I thought about censoring it to a degree,but that's not what my mind is.
That's not what my journal is.
Like I'm sitting here looking at the firstone I'm going to pull up and it is the
title of it is Bruce's fat fucking mouth.
So if, if that doesn't sound like it's foryou, goodbye, like feel free to go.
But this is going to be real and honestand I'm not going to censor.
(06:33):
the creative process that has brought meso much enlightenment.
So, you know, take it or leave it.
So I'm going to go ahead and share myscreen.
For those of you who are listening, that'swhenever you open the screen that you're
looking at.
And on this screen, I've got my journalopened up.
(06:56):
It is loading.
I hope it's loading, it worked the secondI go.
What?
Okay, we're going to try that againbecause it didn't take.
Oh, it rakes your entire screen.
There you go.
(07:16):
Boop.
Alright, sweet.
Entire screen is up.
We're good to go.
So, it's actually titled The King Insideof Me, but it started out being titled as
Bruce's Fat Fucking Mouth.
So once I worked through the trigger thatI was wanting to work through, which is,
(07:37):
the trigger was, last night I sat down fora little snacky -poo of some Lay's BBQ
chips, the Sam size, and...
At the bottom of the bag, I realized thatI was a piece of shit.
And that is not the most helpful ideologyto have, but that's how I felt whenever I
(08:00):
whenever I reached the bottom of the bag.
I'd eaten entire Sam's.
I mean, it had been open, so I'll giveI'll give myself a little bit of leniency
and say I ate three quarters of a bag of aSam size bag of Lay's barbecue chips.
That is a shit ton of chips.
And I then had it like a
during that I had a sprite and so wheneverI stood up, I felt like Santa Claus, but
(08:22):
like with injected steel into his bowl ofjelly.
My stomach felt so solid and bloated.
I went, you know, I went to bed and I feltlike garbage didn't sleep well.
And so whenever I woke up, I wanted towork through this, this anger I had with
myself for my fat fucking mouth for notbeing able to just, you know, say no.
(08:46):
not being able to like have some sort ofself control.
And what's different about this, thestacking process is the first thing you
have to do is whenever you are coming intoa rage stack, whenever something is really
triggered you, like it's really pissingyou off because in this process, we just
(09:07):
accept the fact that anger is God'strigger for you to expand.
That is so you lean all the way into theanger and you accept that.
You have been given this chance to growand expand who you are.
So in this, I jumped in and I just I justit doesn't say all the stuff, but.
(09:30):
I don't know if it does.
It says all the positive stuff that I cutthat I came out of this with, but the
trigger was telling me that I'm a fatpiece of shit and I have no self control.
But I had to do that.
I had to get all these things like allthese thoughts that I have about myself,
all these these limiting self beliefs thatI have.
(09:52):
I've ignored him for, oh, I don't know myentire life.
And they've always come creeping back up.
Even whenever I was.
I would say, I don't know, 30, 45 poundslighter than I am, but I was just solid
muscle.
I looked at my mirror, I looked in themirror and thought, what a piece of shit
like I literally.
(10:13):
could not stand looking at myself.
Part of that was because I was just aspoorly emotionally and like mentally fit
as I am now physically fit.
But that, you know, the same thing remainsis that I had this really negative belief
about who I was and how I showed up andbeing able to pull this out and have this
(10:36):
conversation with myself and step awayfrom the story that.
I don't have control of what it is that Iput in my body.
Allow me to unleash the fact that...
Let's jump.
It starts here.
(10:57):
It allows me to get this new story.
This new story that allowed me to paintfor myself is I'm the fucking man that I
will lead my kingdom to abundance, that Iwill do whatever it takes for as long as
it takes to feel and look like I can, Ican and will fuck up anyone who comes for
anyone or anything that belongs to mykingdom.
(11:19):
I am an active and physical leader who isable to perform the task necessary to
freely inspire confidence and honor.
for my queen and my prosperity.
My prosperity is my children and thepeople who are closely connected to me.
I fuck on top.
That means exactly what you think itmeans.
And you can take it or leave it, butthat's not something that's been happening
for a while because I've been too fat.
(11:39):
And that's something that's gonna change.
So I am a four dimensional man who owns apowerful yes and a powerful no.
I talk to God daily and when he says move,I fucking move.
I make my queen and prosperity feel loved,led and protected at the deepest possible.
That is what came from me eating a bag ofchips.
(12:02):
Like that story has made me feel morepowerful than I have ever felt in my
entire life.
I don't know how else to say it.
I this was I don't know two hours ofwriting to get to this point, but the
words that I used to describe myself atthis point were power.
(12:25):
Domination, sovereignty, which is thehighest level of power, freedom, pumped,
geeked, hyped, explosive.
This moment of utter disgust with myself,burned this moment that had me feeling
power, domination, freedom.
(12:47):
How wild is that?
And what the big takeaway for me from thisspecific story,
is this starts with truth.
It starts with being able to tell yourselfthe true story, like the real guttural,
here's what I'm dealing with story versussaying, no, no, I'm fine.
(13:11):
I've been telling myself I've been finefor the last six months and I my weight
has just gotten out of control because I'mnot fine.
I'm not okay with this.
I hate it.
And because I was telling myself I wasokay with it, I was okay not doing
anything about it.
And it's easy to say, well, you know, I'mstarting a business.
(13:33):
I'm doing much better as a father and ahusband.
I've come so much closer to God.
So three things are working pretty well.
But whenever you don't have all of yourcore four working in unison, you are
missing out on a massive amount of power.
And I think even,
if you can at least recognize where yourweakness is, which mine is in the body,
(13:58):
that has already given me so much power tojust realize how much it is holding me
back.
Now that I, you know, if I can continue tomake tiny bits of progress each day, I
know that I am continuing to lead mykingdom to the abundance that is set aside
for me.
And that's pretty exciting.
So, oh, I also...
(14:22):
in this found that this was like reallywild to me is that this thing this part of
me that I hated have hated you know don'tdon't hate me more because I see it as
something different but have this you knowstrong distaste for turned out to be that
I uncovered is the key to making me theking I want to be to making me the leader
(14:47):
that is able to actively lead.
my family, my business, my, you know, myflock, the people who respect and listen
to me.
That fat fucking mouth that I hate so muchis the actual kingmaker.
It is the thing that I need most to beable to speak to that flock, to speak to a
(15:11):
movement, to have this podcast.
It both feeds my information out and itgives me the nutrition and the
rejuvenation I need like.
through calories like, but I've been sofocused on hating what it does and
focusing on the negative aspect of it thatI literally had zero love for this part of
(15:35):
my face and the and what it representslike my fat fucking mouth isn't just my
literal mouth.
It is the mentality of eating like justall of eating.
I just I hate how I've done it for so longbecause
I couldn't see that there's somethingimportant there.
There's something that I needed to faceand it was, I'm worthy of the nutrition
(15:58):
that will bring me to that next level.
There was a huge block of self -worth thatI was struggling to get over because I
looked at myself in the mirror and said,you don't deserve it.
I have to let go of that.
I have to let go of that story that Idon't deserve it because I've accepted a
(16:21):
calling from God.
I've said like I have said it over andover again.
I am called to speak to ADHD parents.
And if I have accepted a calling from God,I need to, I need to level myself up
continually to be strong enough to carrythe burden.
I have to stop making excuses and me notbeing worthy.
(16:42):
It says that God made the wrong choice.
God doesn't make the wrong choice.
Either you step up and you receive what hegave, what he has for you or you don't.
He chose me.
And so I have to show up.
I have to step up.
And because unfortunately I live inAmerica and people look at, you know, my
(17:02):
man boobs and don't want to follow me.
They don't want to listen to this guy.
Even whenever I was, you know, three 10and I was jacked.
I'm just like total muscle.
people still wanted to nitpick me and findreasons to not find me worthy.
I mean, fuck them, but still it's true.
(17:24):
I have to first see myself as worthybefore anybody else is gonna see it, to
really, really believe it.
And if I am disrespecting this God givenvessel, then how am I going to be the one
that people choose to...
be the facilitator of their transition.
(17:44):
So I have to do better.
So that is topic one.
That was about 20 minutes.
So we'll maybe do one or two more.
All right, we'll pull back up the sharescreen.
I would love people to interact with thisand tell me, is this stupid?
Like, am I dumb for sharing my journal?
Like, as I saw the words come up, it was alittle cringy.
(18:05):
It was like, oh God, why am I doing this?
Warrior Corps, I don't want to go too muchinto what Warrior is until I get my
Warrior Training certification.
I'm not really also being, okay, I'm justgoing to close my eyes and I'm going to
flip back and forth.
And here.
(18:27):
Okay.
So let's start at the top.
Wait, we kind of did this already.
Stepping back, what have you created from,I'm sorry, stepping back from what you
have created so far.
Why is this gratitude trigger beenextremely positive?
I have identified that Bruce's fat fuckingmouth is the kingmaker understanding that
understanding that and coming intoalignment with my calling has just
(18:50):
unlocked unlimited possibility and hasgiven me the last piece I need to go to
the future I have designed.
I love it.
I'm absolutely dude like I'm gettingchills reading my own words of this
conversation that is my like myconversation with God like I could not
have gotten here by myself.
I've literally been struggling in thissame spot for 10 years.
(19:12):
Like I've lost the weight.
I put it back on.
I've lost the way to put it back on.
I put on muscle.
I've lost fat.
I've lost fat.
I've lost muscle.
I've done it all, but the mentality hasnever changed.
I've always hated myself and not thought Iwas worthy of actually giving myself the
life giving fuel that will transform meinto the king that I am supposed to be.
(19:34):
This is different.
Like,
It's shit's changed.
The game will never be the same.
It will never be the same.
I'm also not the same.
Like I feel so different being off ofmedication.
I feel like I've I've maintained enough ofthe the logic and organization to not be a
total mess.
But that impulsivity that I I think isgood.
(19:56):
The you know, the.
Sporadic, what is the what is it from Clu,the sporadic.
It's sporadic, whatever.
That is good.
I like to I like to have you know,something new, something fresh coming into
my mind all the time.
So many ideas, so many things I want todo.
And I love it.
So we're going to try that again.
(20:17):
New, new pool.
And here on this side.
All right, eyes open.
Let's start at the top again.
So stepping back from what you'vediscovered, why was this discovery
extremely positive?
This was not meant to be an angry stack.
So I'm struggling to see the positive atthe moment.
I'm just going to write and be with it fora minute until I get there.
(20:41):
It is really frustrating when I have goteverything going well.
I'm firing on all cylinders and I reachout to my wife to connect with no
expectation and nothing but positiveenergy.
And I met with a fuck you.
Ooh, I think this is.
extremely positive because I'm realizingthat the zero expectation game is
bullshit.
I say that I'm reaching out with zeroexpectation and that is a lie.
(21:02):
There is no expectation of sexual or evenintimate response, but I do have
expectations as to what basic humaninteraction looks or will look like.
But even that expectation is pretty unfairbecause the burden I allow her to carry
makes it almost impossible to even connecton a human level at all.
Ooh.
This is positive because I recognize thatI either need to step up and take more of
(21:25):
the load off of her shoulders or continueto show up consistently attempting to
achieve the same connection and have noexpectation at all.
Looking at how positive the discoverytrigger has been, what is the singular
lesson about life you're taking from thisstack?
Lighten the load or expand my capacity.
Expand my capacity.
(21:45):
That is expand is my new favorite word,expand.
Whenever you get angry expand whenever youget sad expand whenever you're happy
expand it is.
It is the answer that solves every problemand it is the answer that improves every
(22:06):
every answer like if you're happy expandhappiness is good joy is better
fulfillment is even better than that butwhat if you were triggered to feel
grateful for the happiness or the.
joy you had and you expanded on that andyou were able to hold more joy.
You were able to hold more.
(22:29):
What is the other one I just said?
more joy, more happiness, morefulfillment, more purpose.
What if you could expand?
And what I've realized through thisprocess is it's no longer what if, it's
when.
Like I can literally write the scriptmyself and make these decisions on the
(22:52):
spot to say, I will expand becauseeverything that has limited me in the past
has been me.
So everything that will set me free fromhere on out will be me.
That is like that is where like thatunderstanding being able to like
(23:15):
understand that myself and being able tohelp other people understand that is where
the game changes.
I help other people be able to see wherethey're trying to change to like I don't
change them.
I am not the person who is going to saveyou.
I am going to facilitate you savingyourself by being an outside set of eyes,
(23:35):
holding space for you and holding up amirror for you to be able to like have
these types of conversations and be ableto offer tools and offer strategies for
you to work through all the same stuff I'mworking through, but that I've got
experience working through because I'vehad almost 40 years of shoveling shit in
(23:56):
my life.
I've had a lot of bad experiences.
that I now see as ammunition for like forthe weapon that is me.
Like all of that was just loading my ammopack.
It was just making me more and more lethalin solving problems in other people's
lives.
It's pretty amazing.
(24:16):
It's pretty exciting to me.
So just to go back a little bit more,initially that the story I was telling
you, like I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go allthe way in.
The story that this last reading came fromwas I was super irritated because I had
started writing and my wife came in andshe started to change and I looked at her
(24:39):
and I was just like, what's up?
And she was overwhelmed and irritated andshe's like, don't look at me.
And my feelings were hurt.
Like I was just trying, I was just likebeing like a tiny bit flirty, but also
just saying good morning.
Cause I was in a good mood and, and shesnapped at me and.
All of the stories, like all the limitingbeliefs, all of the things that were
(25:01):
existing in my head that I was pretendingweren't all came just flushing in me
saying like, I'm not trying to getanything out of her.
Like it was not true.
Like I wanted validation from my wife.
It's not like it's not unfair to wantthat, but it's, it's a lie.
It is a lie to say I wasn't expectinganything.
I was expecting to receive validation frommy wife.
(25:23):
Whenever I said good morning, does it.
Is it a bad thing to expect that doesn'tmatter?
What matters is me keeping my side of thestreet clean and telling the truth, being
real with myself and saying, I didn'texpect anything.
That's fucking why I did expect something.
I do expect things.
There are things that I expect.
And whenever I can, like, pull it out andstep back and look at it and like, see
(25:47):
that caught you off guard because youexpected it and then you got but hurt.
That's what I want to be able to do is beable to step away from those things and
see.
and see like you're triggered by thisbecause you told yourself that you didn't
expect anything, but you didn't expectthis one thing, but you still expected
something.
And so then I'm able to come into thissituation next time and actually not have
(26:10):
that expectation.
Just say good morning.
Mean it with the, you know, all of the joyand kindness of my heart and just give her
that gift.
This is something that I've grown up veryentrenched in is the giving of gifts.
with the expectation of receivingsomething in return.
(26:31):
Like my father, very much that person whowas like, he gave me something 10 years
ago and will ask, where's that thing Igave you?
I need it back.
It's like, you gave me?
Like I sold it for crack rocks dad, backoff.
But he thinks that every gift that yougive is like a...
(26:53):
and out and out to exchange an alchemy.
It's like I give you something I need likeI will receive something in due time and I
don't ever want to be like that.
I want to actually be able to give giftsof kindness of peace of transformation of
whatever and then actually be gifts andwhenever there's transactions everybody is
(27:15):
aware and they're happy to transact withme the people who you know, I call clients
who are really.
I don't know, I need a new name for thembecause there's so much more.
They are like co -conspirators, they'recollaborators.
We are on this journey together and I'mjust like a little farther along in the
(27:36):
journey.
I have a little bit more knowledge on howto navigate and I'm sharing that with them
and they know that they are part of atransactional process and they are happy
to pay me on a bi -weekly basis because Iam giving them value.
And I'm not tricking them and saying like,oh no, like this isn't going to be this,
but it's going to be this.
And then sweet baiting and switching them.
(27:58):
That's what it is.
Whenever you give a gift and you say lateron, where's, where's my, you know, where's
my, whatever, where's my receipt?
Where's my ticket?
Where's my, where's my exchange for what Igave you?
That's, that was a little bit of an ADHDmoment.
That was a little bit of a, um, what doyou call it?
A little bit of a meander.
(28:18):
I think that's what the Obama call it, alittle bit of a meander.
So in the rest of this discovery, it asks,in this moment, what discovery has anger
and irritation triggers activated in you?
I'm still struggling to figure out whatanger and irritation triggers I have
suppressed, but I know they are there.
As I started this stack, my wife came into change and I told her that she looked
(28:40):
cute and she told me not to watch herchange.
This definitely triggered the fuck out ofme.
What story are you telling yourself aboutthis discovery?
My wife is the only constant.
So this is the story that was in my mind.
My wife is the only constant source ofirritation and anger that exists in my
life.
And that is not a trigger for growth.
It makes me feel like shit for just tryingto love and connect with her.
(29:02):
Describe the single word feelings thatarise for you when you tell yourself that
story stuck, helpless, frustrated.
Describe the specific thoughts and actionsthat arise for you when you tell yourself
the story.
I want to start over with someone else.
I want to ultimate them her into therapy.
I want to find someone who values me andappreciates my attempts to connect.
She is the villain and doesn't contributeanything positive to the story.
(29:25):
So stepping back, why has it beenextremely positive?
And that's what I read earlier.
So I'm not going to read that again.
I need to lighten my load or expand mycapacity.
I'm going to apply this lesson to balance.
So with my wife, the lesson I learned waslighten the load or expand my capacity.
How does this lesson apply to your balancedomain?
I cannot continue to expect my queen tojuggle a thousand roles and still have the
(29:50):
capacity to hold space for me.
I must step up at least or in at least oneof these areas.
See, and this is where like why thisprocess is so important is because three
paragraphs ago I was so pissed off.
This was her fault.
And in my mind, especially if you wereADHD and you have, you know, rejection
(30:10):
since this for you or you have that, that,uh,
that negative dialogue loop going on inyour head, you get caught up in telling
these stories that make everybody else thevillain.
Everything is everybody else's fault.
But whenever you can pull this stuff outand walk the block and look at what's
actually happening, I come to the placewhere I now look at it and say, I'm not
(30:31):
doing my fucking job.
I'm not taking care of my wife.
I'm not giving her space.
and room to breathe to where she's able toeven think about give me what I need
because she's so busy giving everything toeverybody.
She has nothing for herself.
And those are the kinds of thoughts thatsave marriages.
Those are the kinds of thoughts that startprocesses that repair years and years of
(30:56):
damage.
And I can't do that.
Like most people can't do that forthemselves by themselves.
They need help.
And that is what I do for other people.
That's what
what the stack does for me.
So anyways, and then you, you from there,you like figure out more revelation.
(31:16):
So what is the most significant revelationor insight that you are leaving the
discover stack with?
Why do you feel this way?
I am still responding like a toddler toconflict in my marriage.
I have no resiliency.
I take a tiny wound from a caged animaland I'm ready to put it down.
I am not accessing my capacity for graceand compassion.
I am still extraordinarily self -centered.
(31:39):
This is honesty.
This is being brutally honest and realwith yourself and using it to grow.
I will never be the person that I want tobe if I rest on my laurels and say I'm
already good enough.
I have to admit where I'm failing.
And this is one of the spaces.
I am still self -centered.
(31:59):
A lot of times I'm more concerned onworking on myself to be able to handle the
things than just
handling things.
And that's something that I'm working onright now is just taking on more trying to
leave less in the tank, trying to be liketrying to leave it all in the field every
game versus like trying to save it all upfor the playoffs, which I'm not going to
make it to because I'm getting my asskicked every game.
(32:21):
Like I just have to start leaving it allout on the field.
That's on body balance being and business.
Like I'm doing it in all those differentareas.
I have to stop saving some for this.
quote unquote later.
Like I just need to start hitting the bedexhausted.
I need to work out harder.
I need to love harder.
(32:43):
I need to parent harder.
I need to just, I need to show up and giveeverything I've got right now because
that's how you're expanding.
That's how you expand your capacity.
That's how you give God to like, that'show you give God the signal that you're
ready to accept more.
That's where energy comes from that youdidn't have before is you give it all to
somebody else.
(33:04):
And God says, I'm going to give you somemore.
But if you are constantly holding it foryourself, that's all you get.
You will get no more.
You will expand nothing.
You get nothing.
You lose.
That's it.
So and then you the end of this is youhave to tie it to an action because you
(33:26):
can do all the talkie talkie talkie youwant.
If you're not tying it to action, it isnot turning into anything.
So.
The immediate actions I was committed toleaving the stack was being more
compassionate in all of my interactions,breathing and thinking before I spin out
emotionally.
So that is another stack.
It's been 33 minutes.
(33:48):
I think I'll do one more.
Like now that I'm just like, I'm just init.
I'm just doing it.
I don't know.
I enjoy kind of reading through thisstyle.
Like this is my, this is my personalscripture.
This is basically read me writing the,
the gospel according to Bruce and me likereading back through this stuff and
(34:10):
sharing it and studying it is reminding meof the things I need to know.
It's like you could read the Bible onetime and pick up a lot.
Yes, but there's still a ton of stuff thatyou're going to need to continue to read
back through to be reminded of theseimportant discoveries, important lessons
that have been bestowed upon your heart.
These have been bestowed to come from myheart through my hands.
(34:33):
So they feel they're personally for me.
I created them, but I created them withGod's wisdom.
Like I was just here with these feelingsand God was helping me put out words that
made sense.
So this was titled my biggest lie.
I was stacking my balance and in thismoment,
(34:59):
What did this benchmark in the challenge Iwas doing, like what did it activate in
me?
That I am not the truth teller Iconsidered myself to be.
What is the story you're telling yourselfabout this discovery?
I thought I had come to terms with mylying, which was extensive, but I really
only have progressed on my consciouslives.
The unconscious ones, the internalprogramming I've come to know is just
(35:19):
starting to reveal itself to me.
Describe the single word feelings thatarise when you tell yourself that story.
Disappointment, frustration.
Describe the specific thoughts and actionsthat arise for you when you tell yourself
the story It pisses me off that I reallythought I had made so much progress But I
just scratched the surface Not thatthey're not feeling the associated
feelings with the truth is like making apromise with your fingers crossed It
(35:43):
doesn't actually mean anything.
Oh Who wrote that?
Mmm bars.
I'm gonna say that again Not feeling theassociated feelings with the truth is like
making a promise with your fingers crossed
It doesn't actually mean anything.
This is me telling all the truth for thelast year on my podcast.
(36:04):
I've been medicated so heavily that Ididn't feel the truth that was associated
with.
I could describe it.
I could say like, oh, that makes me sad.
Yes, Dave.
That is not a very happy feeling, butactually getting into it, like feeling the
feelings I'm feeling now, getting backthrough this stuff, crying as I write,
(36:24):
getting angry whenever.
I think about the wrongs I've done, likefeeling guilty and disgusting and dirty.
Like I don't love all of it, but I lovethe results that are coming.
Like I am growing so much faster because Ican actually feel the things I've been
like hiding from my entire life.
(36:46):
I now have access to the highest of highsbecause I can feel the lowest of lows and
I'm using that to expand my capacity.
expansion.
I can get it bigger.
The capacity can be so big.
If you're willing to feel it at both ends.
That's what she said.
(37:09):
Okay, so stepping back from what you'vediscovered, why has this discovery been
extremely positive?
Now I can pull back the curtain and startto access the power I've been missing from
the real deep truth.
Looking at how positive
this discovery trigger has been what isthe singular lesson about life you are
(37:30):
taking from this stack keep digging i am amagician at hiding stuff from even myself
i want it all out in the open though so ihave to keep digging so i can expose it i
want to apply this to being the lesson ilearned was keep digging i'm a magician at
hiding stuff from even myself i want itall out in the open so i have to keep
digging so i can expose it and thisapplies to my being my relationship with
(37:53):
the higher power with god
is that I have to get my internal andexternal selves in alignment to access the
power that belongs to me, not the poserthat it says, because the poser is who I
was.
I want the power that belongs to me.
And what is the most significantrevelation or insight that you are leaving
this discover stack with?
(38:13):
Why do you feel that way?
I have been a thief.
Oh, damn bars.
I have been the thief of my own power.
Projecting a false narrative, whether Ithought it was true or not, has been
draining me of life energy.
When you function in alignment, you don'thave to feel like you are forcing
everything.
Bro.
So good.
(38:34):
I have been the thief of my own power.
Projecting a false narrative, whether Ithought it was true or not, has been
draining me of life energy.
When you function in alignment, you don'thave to feel like you are forcing
everything.
I'm...
My entire career as a firefighter wasfeeling like I was forcing everything
because it was a lie.
(38:55):
I didn't want to be there.
I didn't want to do it.
I wanted to help people.
So I said, this is what I want to do.
I wanted to help people how I helped them.
Now.
I didn't want to run into burningbuildings.
That shit sucked.
I didn't want to carry people from, youknow, in the middle of the night when piss
soaked sheets like that stuff was not fun.
(39:16):
It's a job.
It was a career that paid him.
They changed my financial status forever,but it broke me mentally because I thought
that that's who I was.
Anyways, immediate actions committed totaking, leaving this stack.
Keep digging to uncover my internal truthsand share them openly externally.
(39:37):
Bro, that's what I'm doing right now.
I did not plan this whenever I wrote that,but I am sharing them openly externally
right at this moment.
And it is beautiful.
I absolutely love this.
I might just do this for my non guestcentered podcast.
I've got three guests lined up for thenext few episodes.
(39:58):
So there will be guests.
But if you guys have listened to this andthis is something that you like, you need
to comment.
You need to let me know that this is thatthis feels as good as it feels to me
because I think I'm going to do it more.
But also if you think it's dumb.
If this if you didn't get anything fromthis, like if me like bearing this, you
(40:19):
know, very personal information did nothelp you, let me know.
That's fine.
Like I may or may not listen, but it wouldbe important to know.
It'd be nice to know.
Get in the comments and engage with thisstuff and let me know if I am providing
you with value.
That's all I want to do.
I want to help people.
(40:39):
And if you are wanting to uncover.
the lies you've been telling yourself.
If you want to stop projecting a falsenarrative, if you want to stop being the
thief of your own power, then you go takethe ADHD aimless life assessment at www
.AuthenticIdentityManagement .com forwardslash assessment and it will give you your
(41:04):
aimless life score and from there willlead you to some free resources or a
consultation with me.
totally free where I will give you somehelpful strategies to start living your
life on purpose.
I absolutely am here to help.
I am coach Bruce.
I am a life coach for ADHD parents.
(41:25):
If you're not an ADHD parent, I don't knowif I can help you.
I tried to, you know, I, my ADHD parentsthat I've helped bro, we have such a
strong connection and there's been suchgreat work done.
I tried to take the same process to myneighbor cause he's
struggling right now and he is not aparent.
(41:45):
He is not married and bro.
I have never felt so helpless leaving thatmeeting.
I usually I feel just full of energy andfire after leaving a coaching meeting.
I felt like I wanted to get in the firebecause he wasn't my he wasn't my person
like he wasn't my target audience.
(42:06):
So if you're not an ADHD parent.
then just move the fuck on.
Like apparently that is not what I'msupposed to do.
Like if you don't know if you're ADHD, butyou are a parent, if you listen to this
and it has struck you as true, that's whowe need to talk.
That is who I'm supposed to be connectingwith.
Not these single people out here who haveno kids.
(42:27):
You don't understand.
Like we are not, we're not the same.
You know, you saying, well, like I've gotmy dog and I've had her for this is not a
fucking child.
My friend is not the same.
Well, my girlfriend three years ago, Idon't fucking care.
If you're not married to her, you do notunderstand.
If you're not divorced from her, if youhaven't been through the shit with the
person, if they haven't seen you shit withthe door open, I'm sorry.
(42:50):
You are not on the level you need to be atfor us to have a conversation.
Fin!
That's it.
That is that is a show for today.
Make sure to go check out the aimless lifeassessment is in the com or in the
description and I will be back next weekwith another episode.
Next week will either be Bales Chapel whois the She works for the suicide
(43:16):
prevention hotline.
She is she is ADHD and autistic and she isreal as fuck like I'm super excited to
have her on the show she is gonna bereally awesome and then on the next
episode, I've got dr.
Alondra Rogers, I believe is her name andshe is a
an autistic and ADHD social worker who herand I talked pretty in depth about how
(43:44):
hard it was for her to get her diagnosisas autistic and it was a really
interesting story.
She also has a nonverbal autisticdaughter.
She has got some really interestinginformation to share.
They both have access to a ton ofresources.
I think that this is going to be a reallygreat growth period for the new direction
(44:06):
of the show showing up of your as yourselfand you know Being very centered and
rooted in neurodiversity where it likethat's where that's our anchor now
neurodiversity and authenticity We're notwe're not leaving from there if it ain't
about that if you ain't an ADHD parent ifyou're an autistic parent Get out of my
space.
You're not for me.
I'm not for you.
(44:27):
This is this is what we're about from hereon out.
So
Alright everybody, have a great night.
I will talk to you next week.
Be yourself and love yourself.
Peace.
And the music goes now.
I made this by the way.
Drop a beat.
By the way, why isn't that playing?
(44:49):
I did something wrong.
That makes it so silly.
Oh, and stop sharing.
All right, stop sharing the screen.
Silly boy.
And now episode over.
(45:10):
This is so much more fun, I think the newpodcast Bruce is much better we're gonna
(45:38):
we're gonna have a great time from here onout guys
to the moon let's go I'll see y 'all nextweek bye everybody
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