February 29, 2024 • 39 mins
Is Adderall my blessing and my curse?
I can’t really feel. I can identify.
I can define but I can’t capitalize on feelings as fuel if I don’t actually feel them.
You will forget this again and again unless you live by a code.
What is a huge fucking choice you have been ignoring that could unlock the next major step in your life?
That's ok. I am breaking that pattern so I don't find myself back in a life I don't know again. If you need help breaking your patterns go to https://www.authenticidentitymanagement.com/assessment and take the ADHD Aimless Life Assessment to see if you are on the road that was almost a dead end for me.
It is not my aim to Shepard every ADHD parent in the world to the life that they deserve but I do want every neurodivergent parent to find the passion for life I have found again! I want it for you! You are my people!
If my message resonates with you then you should take the aimless life assessment right now because I have clear steps for you to follow to start your journey to go and get that life.
If you don’t like me or my energy find someone else but do something. Put a message in the comments and I will even help you find resources that have nothing to do with my that fit you better!
But I want you to commit today to take control! Stop letting life happen to you and start making it happen for you. Time is a wasting!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
After 20 years on Adderall I am going offmy medication.
More today on Authentic On Air.
(00:36):
Welcome back to Authentic On Air.
I am your host, Bruce Alexander.
And today we're talking about why I'mgoing off of Adderall after 20 years of
very consistent medication for my ADHD.
Welcome back to everyone who has decidedto come back to this silly little show of
mine.
(00:58):
Today I'm talking about something that isreally kind of freaking me the fuck out.
I have been on Adderall since
2000 well, I'm sorry.
I've been on ADHD medication since 2005 or2006 in that whole time there has never
been more than a year that I was off of itand First off, let me let me preface this
(01:24):
by saying I am NOT a doctor the views thatI will express in this Episode are my own.
I'm not suggesting that anybody else dothis.
This is purely
My own personal growth and it's part of myjourney and I think it's for a good
reason.
So My goal is for the next 30 days to beoff of Adderall for at least 20 days and
(01:50):
The reason I'm doing it that way isbecause I know that it is really hard for
me to be extremely productive withouthaving ADHD in my system and I'm I've
grown a lot there
the person who I was, even the last time Iwent off of medication for any,
(02:10):
extended period at all, I'm a totallydifferent person than I was then.
So I have to reset a lot of the story andconsider the possibility that maybe I am
capable of doing this without justdestroying my life.
So I wanna give myself a little bit of abuffer.
(02:36):
to allow myself room for success.
Like I want to win at this.
I want this to be a successful project.
And I think that just going cold turkeyfor a month could very easily set myself
up for failure.
Whenever there are some things coming upthat I know that I want to be able to be
fully focused and attentive for.
(02:56):
So I'm not saying that I'm going to useit.
I'm not saying that I'm not going to useit, but for at least 20 of those days, I
will not be on my medication.
And I think that it's important tounderstand why I'm doing this.
My relationship with Adderall has, it'slong and storied.
I've been, I've abused it.
(03:18):
I've used it consistently.
It has been a blessing to me and it hasbeen a curse.
It has been everything in between.
And the reason why I really feel like Ineed to go on this journey is because,
I've realized recently as I've been doinglike all this self work.
I've over the past couple of years, I'vegrown a ton.
(03:40):
I've been able to identify all thesefeelings and all these triggers and things
that that were holding me back and I'vereleased all these limiting self beliefs.
But in that as I was doing somethingcalled stacking today and yesterday
between these two stacks, I was able to
this revelation that as much as I canidentify the feelings, I don't feel them.
(04:06):
Unless I am just deep in the throes ofsomething that is extremely, extremely
passionate, just really just triggers thefuck out of me, I am not really feeling
those feelings.
I am feeling the idea of those feelings.
As my daughter said earlier today, I getlike the LaCroix sensation of those
(04:28):
feelings.
It's like, here's a whisper of joy.
Here's a faint hint of gratitude.
And that's a big reason why is that I'vebeen trying to do these exercises.
I was listening to a Tony Robbins likeexercise this morning and he was saying
like, think of a moment where you feltintense gratitude and I struggled to think
(04:52):
of one.
Then I was finally able to think of oneand I thought about one of my children
being born.
It's like I was very thankful that I wassuper happy about that.
But then, you know, then he said, feelthat feeling, let that feeling wash over
you.
And I was like, what does gratitude feellike?
What is like, what is the body sensationof gratitude?
(05:12):
And I couldn't access it.
I could not actually try to make myself inmy body feel what it felt like to have
gratitude.
And that was a red flag for me.
as I'm doing all this self work and tryingto institute a code for my life, every
(05:34):
like all the different people I'm readingfrom David Goggins to Tony Robbins to
Garrett J.
White, all these different books that I'mdrawing great inspiration from all start
with being able to identify your pain andthen do something with it.
And.
I've been hitting the stumbling block ofbeing able to utilize this pain as fuel
(05:58):
because I'm naming my pain.
I'm calling it out.
I'm sharing it.
I'm telling the truth, but I'm not feelingit.
Whenever I access that pain, there's,there's no new pain for me.
It doesn't hurt.
It's, I want to say it's embarrassing, butit's not even embarrassing.
It's the, it's like the idea ofembarrassing at times.
(06:20):
It's like I'm.
you know, as I'm uncovering these truthsabout myself, like sometimes I'm like, oh
gosh, I don't want people to know.
But that is like, that's like a learnedfear.
It's not like actually being afraid.
Now that is something that has persistedthroughout all this time is that the
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pressure that sits on my chest, like that,I still feel that anxiety, that fear of,
of being.
human and not knowing what the fuck you'redoing that still sits here.
That's pretty intense so I can still feelthat all the time.
But as I'm feeling it, I wonder what itwould be like if I didn't have this armor
(07:02):
of Adderall around me all the time.
And that takes me back to what I rememberabout myself from high school.
That's the you know, I got diagnosedpretty early, I guess my sophomore year of
college.
So in those, the first year, freshman yearof college and high school, those were the
(07:23):
times in which I can remember what it feltlike to really feel, to really, you know,
and I thought, this is a new revelationfor me is that this intensity of emotion
that I had was childish.
That I had this wild anger, which I did,it was fucking crazy.
This wild anger and this, you know, this,
(07:47):
Intense love and passion for my highschool girlfriends, you know willing to
fight and die and Break rules and do allthis crazy stuff just because I was a
teenager and There might like I'm surethere's some truth to that.
I'm sure there's some truth to the factthat Having these emotions and no life
(08:09):
experience Allows you to feel those thingsunfettered and not want to
not want to rein them in at all.
And I'm like, I don't want to feel that.
I don't want to feel out of control ofthese emotions, but I want to feel them.
I want to actually tell the story of.
For example, whenever I think back towhenever I was in one of my lowest
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moments, whenever I was drinking way toomuch, like, I mean, it was on the level
with being called an alcoholic that I washung over and I threw up in front of my
oldest daughter.
when she was about two years old maybe atmy mother -in -law's house because I had
just been so drunk the night before that Iliterally could not get off the couch and
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get to the toilet or a trash can.
I just threw up in the middle of thefloor.
I don't think that she remembers that, butI do.
I remember it and I talk about it andlike, once again, I've got that like, oh
gosh, people are gonna judge me thatlearned fear response, but it doesn't
hurt.
But I know it does.
(09:16):
I know that that that being that big of apiece of shit in front of my kid, I know
it bothers me.
I know it hurts, but I can't access thathurt.
And those like accessing those types ofexperiences is what encourages you to be
(09:37):
better.
Being able to draw from those kinds ofdeep, what we call the pit, being able to
draw from the pit.
is what is able to fuel your purpose.
And I've been drawing off like, youdrawing from like the, the way I, the way
I'm thinking of it is like, I've beendrawing from like empty pill capsules of
(10:00):
what is supposed to be the medicine thatI'm getting from the pit.
It's like, it's the right size.
It's the right shape.
It's every, it looks like what it'ssupposed to be, but it's empty inside that
feeling that is.
in there that's supposed to really helpheal my soul and deal with, I'm just
getting emptiness.
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And I was okay with this for so longbecause that person in high school, the
rage was so deep whenever I got triggeredthat I literally had a name for it.
Like I don't remember if it was an actualname, but it was, it was another person to
me.
It was that intense to where I spoke of itin third person with my, the girls I was
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dating at the time with my friends islike, you know, Oh, that wasn't.
That wasn't really me.
That was like, let's just call them angryBruce.
Like it was, you know, 25 years ago orwhatever, but that person was so intense
and so uncontrollable that I had to firstisolate it for myself and the next throw
(11:10):
it in a, in a cellar somewhere, shut thedoor, lock it, and then throw a house down
on it and then bring down a fricking.
airplane on top of it to make sure that itnever got out.
And that is what I went into college withis already having locked that person away
and then getting on medication and furthersuppressing that connection to that range.
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I've been missing an entire piece ofmyself for 20 years and I didn't realize
it.
I don't know that I'm going to like havingthat piece of myself, but
I want to make a decision.
Like I am trying to live the most honestreal life that I possibly can.
And I can't do that if I am relying on.
(12:03):
false information.
I don't actually know who I am if I if Idon't deal with that person that I've been
ignoring for so long.
And in order to do that, I have to I haveto connect with those emotions again.
And, you know, to really put it intoperspective, I have to also look at the
(12:23):
fact of who have I been on medication?
What have I done that has been so great onmedication that justifies me burying?
my ability to feel gratitude, bearing myability to get excited, bearing my ability
to feel joy for the small things in life.
It has to be huge.
(12:44):
Having kids, that was huge.
Getting married, that was huge.
But the day -to -day smiles I see in mykids' faces, like, oh, that's nice.
But it doesn't actually melt my heart likeI know it should.
Like that thought has got me kind offucked up.
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How much of the connection that I've beensearching for have I been responsible for
blocking from myself?
How long have I been getting in my ownway?
This is some serious stuff.
So the last time I went off,
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was after, like I was in the, I was in thefire department.
I'd been on for about three or four years.
I'd gotten through the, the bigmilestones.
I'd made it through my recruit year.
I made it through my first year on, andwhich is a time that you don't get to sit
down.
You have to stay going.
And like, I knew that I was not going tobe able to keep that up if I was not
medicated.
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And then for the second year, you're,you're training to learn how to drive and
how to, how to be.
and a firefighter.
So like this was important shit.
Like this was not a good time to go offmedication.
And then once I did that, I went intohazmat school and then there was all these
new reasons to like just keep staying on.
And then finally I hit like I madecorporal and I hit a place where it was,
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there was no reason not to, not to justtry it out.
My wife had been just nagging me for yearsto just try.
And I did.
I went off my medication, but I went off.
feeling like I was being forced.
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Like I was being cornered.
I was doing something I didn't want to do.
So I never had a chance to succeed atthis.
It was her choice, not mine.
And it wasn't actually her choice.
That was my excuse.
That's who I was then.
I was the person who said, my wife cantell me what to do.
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And I have no choice.
It's never true.
You always have a choice.
The choice might maybe to sleep outsidetonight.
But I defer to that.
I have no choice excuse.
Every single time.
And that was the same person who had nodirection.
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He had no he had no standard for what hewanted life to be.
He just went from day to day trying toavoid the next disaster.
And that person was not depressed becausethat would be a feeling like and once
again, if I was in major depression, Iwould feel that but in just being okay, I
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was fine with it.
I was totally content.
I was sedated and this is something that Idid not realize.
If you have been living a life of sedationfor 20 plus years and you finally wake up
to it, let me tell you, it does not feelgood.
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But if you are not buried by the life thatyou've created, it is actually a huge
opportunity.
And that's what I'm seeing here.
I'm seeing this huge opportunity to.
take this life that I built that'sactually pretty great and actually turn it
into amazing to actually feel the beautythat is having a family to actually
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connect on the small things.
And like I often have this conversationwith my wife, but she is ADHD as well.
And she's never been, I mean, she's neverbeen medicated for ADHD and
She goes through these phases where shetells me like you haven't connected with
me and I don't know how long and I'm like,what are you talking about?
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Like we just talked the other day.
I don't like we just connected.
And once again, I'm realizing as I'muncovering this stuff is I'm not operating
on the same human level she is.
I've basically taken on a certain degreeof automaton.
I have been chemically castrated to adegree.
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I chose it as me.
I chose it multiple times in which I said,I don't want to feel this.
And I know now it's because I was scaredto feel it.
I was scared to have these big emotionsand have no idea what the fuck to do with
them in a life that I had no fucking cluewhat to do and had no clue what I wanted
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to do.
I didn't have any purpose, any direction,any vision.
There was nothing.
I didn't have anything.
So then to dump all these huge emotions onit, I felt like an insane person.
So I just.
didn't.
I just turned it off.
Initially, I just shut those, you know,feelings deep down in a bunker and, you
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know, bury them.
And then I handled it chemically.
So now I'm gonna unbury this shit.
And the reason why now is I've been doingthis work.
I've been just thinking about this codethat I've been reading about and how to
institute this code.
And the main tenant of it is to tell thefucking truth.
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It's to just tell the truth and to thenwith that truth, be with it.
Like as you're telling the truth, you'refeeling the truth.
I've been writing, you know many days beenstacking doing all this stuff and
realizing that I'm not feeling the truthI'm Making these huge revelations and it's
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just like okay.
Cool.
Take note of that.
Okay, cool.
Take note of that.
All right But unless it's somethingabsolutely massive, it doesn't actually
move anything inside me and That's notnormal.
I don't think so.
I mean I'll find out but I have to findout
I have to, I can't, now that I've seenthis gap, I can't unsee it.
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Like I know my brain is different thanother people anyways, but now my brain is
different than the other people that I'msupposed to be the same as.
Which recently I learned thatneurodiversity means that all of our
brains are totally mapped differently andneurotypicals, all their brains are mapped
pretty much exactly the same.
So, but we're the same in ourdifferentness.
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I don't know, it's a big, big decision,but I've already made it.
The decision I made last week was to stopliving in the land of maybe.
The power lies in the decisions.
The ability to say yes or no is where youfind the power.
And so, and I found that as I've beenmaking decisions, I felt much more
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powerful, or at least the idea of power.
Maybe I'll feel completely differentwhenever I actually can feel fully.
But I've had to take several preparationsto make sure that I don't just completely
destroy my life whenever I go off thismedication.
Because I know that there are certainthings that are facts.
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There are facts that have to do with mebeing unmedicated.
I made this mind map today.
And in this mind map, I just listed someof the obstacles that I know that I'm
going to have to deal with.
The mental chaos, lack of motivation,fatigue, emotional roller coasters, time
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blindness, disorganization, distraction,and impulsivity.
Those are all the obstacles that I willface.
These are things that I know that I dofeel whenever I'm medicated, but.
I've never had a plan before in how todeal with any of those obstacles except
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for to take the medication.
That was always the answer.
There was never anything else to drive meto get around these obstacles.
And now like here's a list of thesolutions that I will be taking to
mitigate those obstacles.
Daily meditation, stacking, dailyexercise.
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I always, whenever I'm unmedicated,
Maybe this is not true, but I like, Ididn't have my medication last weekend.
And in that two to four o 'clock time, Ialways have this pretty extraordinary dip
of energy.
And so in order to avoid that, because Idon't want to have, I don't want to be a
nap dad.
I don't want to be that guy.
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Like I already fall asleep on the couch atthe end of the day.
I don't want to be fall asleep in themiddle of the day at the end of the day,
wake up late.
Like I don't want to be that lack ofproductivity debt.
So I'm going to, I'm going to start takingwalks in the afternoon.
right at that time that I usually dip totry to get my energy back up.
I'm going to put every responsibility thatI have and commitment into my calendar.
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Most of those already in there.
These are things that's something I'vebeen doing and been handling pretty well
because just to kind of go back to me onAdderall, I'm not really without these
systems.
I'm not that great at being a cognizant oftime.
I'm not that super productive.
I'm not that great at being focused.
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Like all these promises that Adderall hasgiven me, I realize that I'm not doing
that great of a job at.
So maybe if I just had a plan, I could doat least as good unmedicated.
Anyways, so I have to use timers actively.
Something I've always done is like, yeah,I'll time myself.
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And I'm like, I don't really need to.
That's fine.
It's not a big deal.
I need to actively use timers because.
Want I want to be productive.
I don't want to Be a slave to getting lostin time that sounds really frustrating and
really It sounds stupid.
I don't want to do that I need to createchecklists and formulas and times of focus
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for when I'm not focused so
I'm going to create checklists andformulas in my times of focus, because
there are gonna be times where I'm hyper-focused.
I'm gonna have higher levels of focus atcertain times than others.
And when I do, I'm going to make sure Ispend that time creating devices to help
me when I'm not that focused.
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So another thing is to live by the code.
I have never in my life had a, a guidingmethodology.
Like even when I was a Christian, like aChristian, like there are things that it
describes about how you live and how youact towards people, but it was never
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specific enough to me to like give me thatdaily motivation of how to act myself.
Like if there was nobody else around, whatdo I need to do?
And the code States tell the fuckingtruth.
Tell the truth.
Period.
Just be honest and then get real.
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Be raw.
And that's really just be in thosefeelings.
As you're telling the truth and beingreal, you're gonna just feel those
feelings to a real degree and be honestabout them.
Stay relevant, share with people who needto know it, and stay focused on the things
that are important to you, and then bededicated to big results.
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Those are things that can always guide mewhenever I start to get lost as to, well,
what do need to do next?
Like, there's so much stuff.
Like, I know that it's overwhelming.
Just being a human, being ADHD can make it
Very worse, very worse, a lot worse.
Then next is just trusting the checklistprocesses and commitments over my
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feelings.
I am going to feel bad sometimes.
I am going to have bad days.
I'm going to wake up and I'm going to feelthat pressure on my chest.
Like, what the fuck am I doing?
I have no idea, but I have to trust theprocess.
I had to trust the fact that me on thismedication with all of my analytical
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thought,
has put a plan into place to take care ofme whenever I am not able to do that kind
of processing initially.
And something that is going to beimportant to me is staying focused on my
life priority list.
Like as I'm living by the code, there arethings that are also important to me and
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that is to, sorry, hold on.
All this stuff is written down by the way,because I know once again, I know I'm
ADHD.
I know that I will forget whenever I getstressed.
So I need to be able to refer back to thisstuff.
So I don't do that.
So my, the three guiding things that aregoing to be just put, I'm going to tattoo
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everywhere around me is to provide for myfamily.
And that is a multiple of three.
It is not just financial.
It is to emotionally provide for myfamily.
to spiritually provide for my family andto emotionally, I'm sorry, and to
financially provide for my family.
Those are the three things I need to beworking on every single day.
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Sorry, those are the three things for thatpart of my priority list.
The second is live by the code.
So just continue to be absolutely raw andhonest and really just live in my pain for
a while so I can like, while I'm really,
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able to feel it, I can learn from it and Ican.
I don't know, I can optimize that to I'msorry, not optimize, I can leverage that
to build my kingdom and that is my lastten is build my kingdom.
I want to I want to have my own businesslike I mean I do, but I want it to be.
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I don't want it to be an empire, but Iwant it to be big.
I wanted to like, I want to be the leaderof a movement of ADHD parents who are
living life on purpose.
They're no longer being, they're no longerbeing NPCs.
For those of you who don't know, thatmeans non -player characters in the game
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of life.
I want to be a movement leader for peoplewho are taking the fucking controller and
they are taking control of their life andthey are playing the game to the realest
and rawest.
like extent of the word.
That's what I like.
I want that to be my kingdom.
I want that to be what I wake up every dayand do.
Like I've got a couple of clients that I'mcurrently helping do that.
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And as I'm expanding myself, I'm expandingmy ability to help them.
I'm learning all kinds of new tools andprocesses to help them work through the
types of issues I'm working throughmyself.
Just like, I don't know.
what everybody listening thinks about theidea that those who can't do coach, but
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for me as a life coach, that's notanywhere close to true.
I have taken this game of developingmyself and I have just dove head first
into it.
And I am, I am real about this shit.
So whenever I come to somebody and I say,I can help you, it's because I know I
can't.
It's because I know I've been through theworst shit.
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possible And so I know that I can helpguide people to the other side can I help
somebody who is been through exactly whatI've been through and Has handled it
unmedicated.
Yes, I still can I still have the way thatmy brain works I have learned lessons and
been able to apply the critical thinkingskills I've gained to just extract things
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from it that other people just don't seeand
That's my God given talent.
That's why I was put on this earth is tobe able to help people see what they need
to see to take themselves to the nextlevel.
That's it, that's what I'm here to do.
Anyways, so the habits I've built overthis time of being medicated, I've got
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lots of habits.
They help me keep from losing stuff, theyhelp to keep me from getting too
distracted.
And because once again, being onmedication has not protected me from a lot
of the pitfalls of being ADHD, which kindof calls myself to the court, it's like,
saying, why did I stay on it this long ifI was still struggling from all those
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things?
And that goes back again to being afraid,being terrified of the real feeling, being
terrified of that guy who had all theanger, who, who scared people, who, you
know, bordered on laying his hands onwomen who broke many things because of his
anger.
And once again, on medication, I stillbroke stuff.
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I never hit anybody.
I never shook anybody.
I never did that.
But I broke doors, I broke a chair, Ibroke phones, I threw stuff.
I've been dangerous on medication and off.
The difference is, there's no difference.
What I've learned is how to control me.
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How to stop hiding me.
Because hiding, keeping me,
locked up and in prison is what causesthose outbursts of anger.
Trying to lie and hide is what causes thatpressure that bubbles up to the surface
and explodes.
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I know that very well from personalexperience is you cannot control anger
when you are constantly hiding yourselffrom the world or from yourself even you
have to be able to connect with your truthor You are going to hurt people and you
are going to hurt yourself So the lastthing the last precaution I'm taking is I
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will not make any life -altering decisionsduring this 30 days I will not decide any
career changes or which
I mean, I'm not going to a physical jobright now, but I am actively lurking,
looking.
So if I get a job, I won't quit duringthis time.
Um, I will keep coaching during this time.
And yeah, that's, that's how I'm going to,those are the guard rails.
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I've also got some things to find that,you know, are important.
Like what is a win?
It's for me, a win is to survive thistime.
Like.
survive, not die, but explore this pain,like explore all these things that I've
listed in my journals and my stackswithout being able to feel, but explore
those feelings without creating any moreunnecessary pain.
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So without hurting my wife, withouthurting my kids, without doing that, and
then especially without takingaccountability.
So if I, of course there are going to betimes if I'm unmedicated and I'm in touch
with these emotions, I'm
likely to have the occasional slip upwhere I like my emotions get, you know,
get away from me a little bit.
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I hope that it's going to be much lessthan it would have been in the past, but I
really, I don't know.
I don't know what kind of Russian emotionis going to come, but I know now that I
have to take accountability.
I know now that I can't be embarrassed andshameful for having emotions.
I have to own it.
I have to show my kids it's okay to feelanger, but you have to be able to handle
(32:42):
it in a responsible way.
I can't, I cannot hurt anybody.
I hope not to hurt anybody emotionally,but I definitely will not hurt anybody
physically.
And I know how to leverage my stacking andjournaling to make sure I don't do that.
And that's, you know, it's exciting tohave things in place already that are
going to help me mitigate this journey.
(33:05):
And so a loss would be hurting myself,either hurting my business or hurting my
body somehow, or.
hurting my emotional state to some degreeof severity or anybody else and not taking
accountability.
And how do I measure that?
How am I going to measure those types ofalmost ethereal goals in relationships and
(33:32):
connection and clarity?
My wife will be able to tell me.
If I if this has improved our relationshipto her or not I will be able to feel if I
feel closer to my wife or not SomethingI'm doing all of this for is searching a
deeper connection with my children.
I will be able to feel hopefully I'll beable to actually feel that connection on a
(33:55):
deeper level and What I want to gain fromit is information connection data
connection to myself connection to others
connection to the voice of God, connectionto the audience I'm supposed to serve.
I've been struggling for a time becauseI've been out here just being raw and I've
(34:16):
been, I thought being raw, but being realand telling the truth and not getting any
sort of feedback from the audience who islistening to me.
And I think that as I start to devolvemore into an emotional state, I will start
to see more connection.
The glass.
face that I've had like the I don't knowthe cold stare the I don't know.
(34:42):
I don't feel like I look that unemotional,but I don't I know I don't look that
emotional.
So I feel like people maybe think I'mhiding something and I'm not trying to but
I feel like that medication does make mefeel like I'm not emoting and I hope that
that level of honesty plus the emotionsthat are behind it are going to reach
(35:02):
people in a deep way and I'm going tostart to
engage with people and feel like I'mactually finding the people who are really
trying to serve and they're going to tellme that they're here for it.
So overall, being able to feel my truthand not just talk about it.
That's the goal to be able to like fullyaccess my pain so I can.
(35:28):
Well, so like I talked about the pitearly, the pit is like the the darkness
inside of you.
It's the like all your bad shit, eitherunresolved or resolved.
It's going back to those bad moments andgetting inside of how you felt in those.
And for those who hide from it, it is aplace of
Fear and it takes all your strength awayfrom you and makes you feel helpless For
(35:52):
those who have resolved those issues theystill go back there and you use it as a
place of power you check back in withthose deep dark moments and you continue
to go back in and remaster those emotionsand re retell the story Rewrite the story
of who you were in that moment rewrite thestory of you know
(36:15):
being helpless in that moment, takingaccountability for the things you've done,
taking ability or accountability for thethings that happen to you.
And then as you take that accountability,you're able to turn that into power to
fuel your dreams.
And right now I feel like I'm fucking, I'mtrying to run on unleaded whenever I need
(36:36):
premium fuel.
That I feel like that's the perfectexample.
So I'm, I'm unlocking the premium baby.
Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be jetfuel because I don't know how that's going
to go down.
But I want to be able to access that so Ican be seen by those who are at the
deepest, darkest bottom of their pitbecause they can only be reached by
(36:57):
absolute raw and real truth.
Those people who are at the very lowest,at the very fucking deep bottom of the
pit, they think that nobody else has everbeen there.
They think that they're totally on theirfucking own and I can't.
Can't in this state.
I don't think I can get to them.
I'm like I'm trying to let them know thatI've seen it I'm trying to like really
(37:19):
just expose myself, but Not being able tofeel it.
I feel like they did they can't believe itlike I don't know about this guy I don't
know if he's really on the level.
I Don't know what we'll find out so Iencourage you to tune back in next week to
see if the fucking wheels fall off as I goon this journey like We'll see I don't
think that they are I think that this is
(37:40):
I feel like I'm being called, even if it'sjust for a brief journey to try this.
I feel like I've been hearing, I've beentalking about this a lot, like I feel like
I've been being pulled, compelled, moved,urged, called to certain things, but the
call hasn't been specific.
It has been unclear.
(38:00):
There has been a lot of guiding hands andthen signs that have like literally
happened in front of me.
It's like, oh, okay, you're telling methrough this thing, this is what I need to
do.
But I want to...
I want to take the silencer off of thiscalling.
I want it to be fucked.
I want it to be as loud as possible.
I want to put my ear to the speaker andhave it freaking blow my eardrum out.
(38:23):
I want the call to be clear.
And I feel like in order to do that, Ihave to get deep in the pit and I got to
get familiar with this pain.
And if you're looking to push yourself andgrow out of your comfort zone, if you are
numb, like I was even long before thisrealization, if you're just sleepwalking
through your life,
I strongly suggest you go take the ADHDaimless life assessment linked in the
(38:46):
description and get the next steps that Iprovide to taking back control of your
life.
Stop being a bystander in your own life.
This is a game, but only if you takecontrol and play.
That is it for me this week on AuthenticOn Air.
I will see you next week.
Thank you so very much.
Good night.
After 20 years on Adderall I am going offmy medication.
More today on Authentic On Air.
(00:36):
Welcome back to Authentic On Air.
I am your host, Bruce Alexander.
And today we're talking about why I'mgoing off of Adderall after 20 years of
very consistent medication for my ADHD.
Welcome back to everyone who has decidedto come back to this silly little show of
mine.
(00:58):
Today I'm talking about something that isreally kind of freaking me the fuck out.
I have been on Adderall since
2000 well, I'm sorry.
I've been on ADHD medication since 2005 or2006 in that whole time there has never
been more than a year that I was off of itand First off, let me let me preface this
(01:24):
by saying I am NOT a doctor the views thatI will express in this Episode are my own.
I'm not suggesting that anybody else dothis.
This is purely
My own personal growth and it's part of myjourney and I think it's for a good
reason.
So My goal is for the next 30 days to beoff of Adderall for at least 20 days and
(01:50):
The reason I'm doing it that way isbecause I know that it is really hard for
me to be extremely productive withouthaving ADHD in my system and I'm I've
grown a lot there
the person who I was, even the last time Iwent off of medication for any,
(02:10):
extended period at all, I'm a totallydifferent person than I was then.
So I have to reset a lot of the story andconsider the possibility that maybe I am
capable of doing this without justdestroying my life.
So I wanna give myself a little bit of abuffer.
(02:36):
to allow myself room for success.
Like I want to win at this.
I want this to be a successful project.
And I think that just going cold turkeyfor a month could very easily set myself
up for failure.
Whenever there are some things coming upthat I know that I want to be able to be
fully focused and attentive for.
(02:56):
So I'm not saying that I'm going to useit.
I'm not saying that I'm not going to useit, but for at least 20 of those days, I
will not be on my medication.
And I think that it's important tounderstand why I'm doing this.
My relationship with Adderall has, it'slong and storied.
I've been, I've abused it.
(03:18):
I've used it consistently.
It has been a blessing to me and it hasbeen a curse.
It has been everything in between.
And the reason why I really feel like Ineed to go on this journey is because,
I've realized recently as I've been doinglike all this self work.
I've over the past couple of years, I'vegrown a ton.
(03:40):
I've been able to identify all thesefeelings and all these triggers and things
that that were holding me back and I'vereleased all these limiting self beliefs.
But in that as I was doing somethingcalled stacking today and yesterday
between these two stacks, I was able to
this revelation that as much as I canidentify the feelings, I don't feel them.
(04:06):
Unless I am just deep in the throes ofsomething that is extremely, extremely
passionate, just really just triggers thefuck out of me, I am not really feeling
those feelings.
I am feeling the idea of those feelings.
As my daughter said earlier today, I getlike the LaCroix sensation of those
(04:28):
feelings.
It's like, here's a whisper of joy.
Here's a faint hint of gratitude.
And that's a big reason why is that I'vebeen trying to do these exercises.
I was listening to a Tony Robbins likeexercise this morning and he was saying
like, think of a moment where you feltintense gratitude and I struggled to think
(04:52):
of one.
Then I was finally able to think of oneand I thought about one of my children
being born.
It's like I was very thankful that I wassuper happy about that.
But then, you know, then he said, feelthat feeling, let that feeling wash over
you.
And I was like, what does gratitude feellike?
What is like, what is the body sensationof gratitude?
(05:12):
And I couldn't access it.
I could not actually try to make myself inmy body feel what it felt like to have
gratitude.
And that was a red flag for me.
as I'm doing all this self work and tryingto institute a code for my life, every
(05:34):
like all the different people I'm readingfrom David Goggins to Tony Robbins to
Garrett J.
White, all these different books that I'mdrawing great inspiration from all start
with being able to identify your pain andthen do something with it.
And.
I've been hitting the stumbling block ofbeing able to utilize this pain as fuel
(05:58):
because I'm naming my pain.
I'm calling it out.
I'm sharing it.
I'm telling the truth, but I'm not feelingit.
Whenever I access that pain, there's,there's no new pain for me.
It doesn't hurt.
It's, I want to say it's embarrassing, butit's not even embarrassing.
It's the, it's like the idea ofembarrassing at times.
(06:20):
It's like I'm.
you know, as I'm uncovering these truthsabout myself, like sometimes I'm like, oh
gosh, I don't want people to know.
But that is like, that's like a learnedfear.
It's not like actually being afraid.
Now that is something that has persistedthroughout all this time is that the
(06:41):
pressure that sits on my chest, like that,I still feel that anxiety, that fear of,
of being.
human and not knowing what the fuck you'redoing that still sits here.
That's pretty intense so I can still feelthat all the time.
But as I'm feeling it, I wonder what itwould be like if I didn't have this armor
(07:02):
of Adderall around me all the time.
And that takes me back to what I rememberabout myself from high school.
That's the you know, I got diagnosedpretty early, I guess my sophomore year of
college.
So in those, the first year, freshman yearof college and high school, those were the
(07:23):
times in which I can remember what it feltlike to really feel, to really, you know,
and I thought, this is a new revelationfor me is that this intensity of emotion
that I had was childish.
That I had this wild anger, which I did,it was fucking crazy.
This wild anger and this, you know, this,
(07:47):
Intense love and passion for my highschool girlfriends, you know willing to
fight and die and Break rules and do allthis crazy stuff just because I was a
teenager and There might like I'm surethere's some truth to that.
I'm sure there's some truth to the factthat Having these emotions and no life
(08:09):
experience Allows you to feel those thingsunfettered and not want to
not want to rein them in at all.
And I'm like, I don't want to feel that.
I don't want to feel out of control ofthese emotions, but I want to feel them.
I want to actually tell the story of.
For example, whenever I think back towhenever I was in one of my lowest
(08:33):
moments, whenever I was drinking way toomuch, like, I mean, it was on the level
with being called an alcoholic that I washung over and I threw up in front of my
oldest daughter.
when she was about two years old maybe atmy mother -in -law's house because I had
just been so drunk the night before that Iliterally could not get off the couch and
(08:56):
get to the toilet or a trash can.
I just threw up in the middle of thefloor.
I don't think that she remembers that, butI do.
I remember it and I talk about it andlike, once again, I've got that like, oh
gosh, people are gonna judge me thatlearned fear response, but it doesn't
hurt.
But I know it does.
(09:16):
I know that that that being that big of apiece of shit in front of my kid, I know
it bothers me.
I know it hurts, but I can't access thathurt.
And those like accessing those types ofexperiences is what encourages you to be
(09:37):
better.
Being able to draw from those kinds ofdeep, what we call the pit, being able to
draw from the pit.
is what is able to fuel your purpose.
And I've been drawing off like, youdrawing from like the, the way I, the way
I'm thinking of it is like, I've beendrawing from like empty pill capsules of
(10:00):
what is supposed to be the medicine thatI'm getting from the pit.
It's like, it's the right size.
It's the right shape.
It's every, it looks like what it'ssupposed to be, but it's empty inside that
feeling that is.
in there that's supposed to really helpheal my soul and deal with, I'm just
getting emptiness.
(10:23):
And I was okay with this for so longbecause that person in high school, the
rage was so deep whenever I got triggeredthat I literally had a name for it.
Like I don't remember if it was an actualname, but it was, it was another person to
me.
It was that intense to where I spoke of itin third person with my, the girls I was
(10:48):
dating at the time with my friends islike, you know, Oh, that wasn't.
That wasn't really me.
That was like, let's just call them angryBruce.
Like it was, you know, 25 years ago orwhatever, but that person was so intense
and so uncontrollable that I had to firstisolate it for myself and the next throw
(11:10):
it in a, in a cellar somewhere, shut thedoor, lock it, and then throw a house down
on it and then bring down a fricking.
airplane on top of it to make sure that itnever got out.
And that is what I went into college withis already having locked that person away
and then getting on medication and furthersuppressing that connection to that range.
(11:38):
I've been missing an entire piece ofmyself for 20 years and I didn't realize
it.
I don't know that I'm going to like havingthat piece of myself, but
I want to make a decision.
Like I am trying to live the most honestreal life that I possibly can.
And I can't do that if I am relying on.
(12:03):
false information.
I don't actually know who I am if I if Idon't deal with that person that I've been
ignoring for so long.
And in order to do that, I have to I haveto connect with those emotions again.
And, you know, to really put it intoperspective, I have to also look at the
(12:23):
fact of who have I been on medication?
What have I done that has been so great onmedication that justifies me burying?
my ability to feel gratitude, bearing myability to get excited, bearing my ability
to feel joy for the small things in life.
It has to be huge.
(12:44):
Having kids, that was huge.
Getting married, that was huge.
But the day -to -day smiles I see in mykids' faces, like, oh, that's nice.
But it doesn't actually melt my heart likeI know it should.
Like that thought has got me kind offucked up.
(13:05):
How much of the connection that I've beensearching for have I been responsible for
blocking from myself?
How long have I been getting in my ownway?
This is some serious stuff.
So the last time I went off,
(13:27):
was after, like I was in the, I was in thefire department.
I'd been on for about three or four years.
I'd gotten through the, the bigmilestones.
I'd made it through my recruit year.
I made it through my first year on, andwhich is a time that you don't get to sit
down.
You have to stay going.
And like, I knew that I was not going tobe able to keep that up if I was not
medicated.
(13:48):
And then for the second year, you're,you're training to learn how to drive and
how to, how to be.
and a firefighter.
So like this was important shit.
Like this was not a good time to go offmedication.
And then once I did that, I went intohazmat school and then there was all these
new reasons to like just keep staying on.
And then finally I hit like I madecorporal and I hit a place where it was,
(14:12):
there was no reason not to, not to justtry it out.
My wife had been just nagging me for yearsto just try.
And I did.
I went off my medication, but I went off.
feeling like I was being forced.
(14:33):
Like I was being cornered.
I was doing something I didn't want to do.
So I never had a chance to succeed atthis.
It was her choice, not mine.
And it wasn't actually her choice.
That was my excuse.
That's who I was then.
I was the person who said, my wife cantell me what to do.
(14:55):
And I have no choice.
It's never true.
You always have a choice.
The choice might maybe to sleep outsidetonight.
But I defer to that.
I have no choice excuse.
Every single time.
And that was the same person who had nodirection.
(15:18):
He had no he had no standard for what hewanted life to be.
He just went from day to day trying toavoid the next disaster.
And that person was not depressed becausethat would be a feeling like and once
again, if I was in major depression, Iwould feel that but in just being okay, I
(15:39):
was fine with it.
I was totally content.
I was sedated and this is something that Idid not realize.
If you have been living a life of sedationfor 20 plus years and you finally wake up
to it, let me tell you, it does not feelgood.
(16:01):
But if you are not buried by the life thatyou've created, it is actually a huge
opportunity.
And that's what I'm seeing here.
I'm seeing this huge opportunity to.
take this life that I built that'sactually pretty great and actually turn it
into amazing to actually feel the beautythat is having a family to actually
(16:27):
connect on the small things.
And like I often have this conversationwith my wife, but she is ADHD as well.
And she's never been, I mean, she's neverbeen medicated for ADHD and
She goes through these phases where shetells me like you haven't connected with
me and I don't know how long and I'm like,what are you talking about?
(16:50):
Like we just talked the other day.
I don't like we just connected.
And once again, I'm realizing as I'muncovering this stuff is I'm not operating
on the same human level she is.
I've basically taken on a certain degreeof automaton.
I have been chemically castrated to adegree.
(17:10):
I chose it as me.
I chose it multiple times in which I said,I don't want to feel this.
And I know now it's because I was scaredto feel it.
I was scared to have these big emotionsand have no idea what the fuck to do with
them in a life that I had no fucking cluewhat to do and had no clue what I wanted
(17:33):
to do.
I didn't have any purpose, any direction,any vision.
There was nothing.
I didn't have anything.
So then to dump all these huge emotions onit, I felt like an insane person.
So I just.
didn't.
I just turned it off.
Initially, I just shut those, you know,feelings deep down in a bunker and, you
(17:53):
know, bury them.
And then I handled it chemically.
So now I'm gonna unbury this shit.
And the reason why now is I've been doingthis work.
I've been just thinking about this codethat I've been reading about and how to
institute this code.
And the main tenant of it is to tell thefucking truth.
(18:16):
It's to just tell the truth and to thenwith that truth, be with it.
Like as you're telling the truth, you'refeeling the truth.
I've been writing, you know many days beenstacking doing all this stuff and
realizing that I'm not feeling the truthI'm Making these huge revelations and it's
(18:36):
just like okay.
Cool.
Take note of that.
Okay, cool.
Take note of that.
All right But unless it's somethingabsolutely massive, it doesn't actually
move anything inside me and That's notnormal.
I don't think so.
I mean I'll find out but I have to findout
I have to, I can't, now that I've seenthis gap, I can't unsee it.
(19:00):
Like I know my brain is different thanother people anyways, but now my brain is
different than the other people that I'msupposed to be the same as.
Which recently I learned thatneurodiversity means that all of our
brains are totally mapped differently andneurotypicals, all their brains are mapped
pretty much exactly the same.
So, but we're the same in ourdifferentness.
(19:23):
I don't know, it's a big, big decision,but I've already made it.
The decision I made last week was to stopliving in the land of maybe.
The power lies in the decisions.
The ability to say yes or no is where youfind the power.
And so, and I found that as I've beenmaking decisions, I felt much more
(19:44):
powerful, or at least the idea of power.
Maybe I'll feel completely differentwhenever I actually can feel fully.
But I've had to take several preparationsto make sure that I don't just completely
destroy my life whenever I go off thismedication.
Because I know that there are certainthings that are facts.
(20:06):
There are facts that have to do with mebeing unmedicated.
I made this mind map today.
And in this mind map, I just listed someof the obstacles that I know that I'm
going to have to deal with.
The mental chaos, lack of motivation,fatigue, emotional roller coasters, time
(20:30):
blindness, disorganization, distraction,and impulsivity.
Those are all the obstacles that I willface.
These are things that I know that I dofeel whenever I'm medicated, but.
I've never had a plan before in how todeal with any of those obstacles except
(20:50):
for to take the medication.
That was always the answer.
There was never anything else to drive meto get around these obstacles.
And now like here's a list of thesolutions that I will be taking to
mitigate those obstacles.
Daily meditation, stacking, dailyexercise.
(21:11):
I always, whenever I'm unmedicated,
Maybe this is not true, but I like, Ididn't have my medication last weekend.
And in that two to four o 'clock time, Ialways have this pretty extraordinary dip
of energy.
And so in order to avoid that, because Idon't want to have, I don't want to be a
nap dad.
I don't want to be that guy.
(21:32):
Like I already fall asleep on the couch atthe end of the day.
I don't want to be fall asleep in themiddle of the day at the end of the day,
wake up late.
Like I don't want to be that lack ofproductivity debt.
So I'm going to, I'm going to start takingwalks in the afternoon.
right at that time that I usually dip totry to get my energy back up.
I'm going to put every responsibility thatI have and commitment into my calendar.
(21:52):
Most of those already in there.
These are things that's something I'vebeen doing and been handling pretty well
because just to kind of go back to me onAdderall, I'm not really without these
systems.
I'm not that great at being a cognizant oftime.
I'm not that super productive.
I'm not that great at being focused.
(22:14):
Like all these promises that Adderall hasgiven me, I realize that I'm not doing
that great of a job at.
So maybe if I just had a plan, I could doat least as good unmedicated.
Anyways, so I have to use timers actively.
Something I've always done is like, yeah,I'll time myself.
(22:36):
And I'm like, I don't really need to.
That's fine.
It's not a big deal.
I need to actively use timers because.
Want I want to be productive.
I don't want to Be a slave to getting lostin time that sounds really frustrating and
really It sounds stupid.
I don't want to do that I need to createchecklists and formulas and times of focus
(23:00):
for when I'm not focused so
I'm going to create checklists andformulas in my times of focus, because
there are gonna be times where I'm hyper-focused.
I'm gonna have higher levels of focus atcertain times than others.
And when I do, I'm going to make sure Ispend that time creating devices to help
me when I'm not that focused.
(23:21):
So another thing is to live by the code.
I have never in my life had a, a guidingmethodology.
Like even when I was a Christian, like aChristian, like there are things that it
describes about how you live and how youact towards people, but it was never
(23:42):
specific enough to me to like give me thatdaily motivation of how to act myself.
Like if there was nobody else around, whatdo I need to do?
And the code States tell the fuckingtruth.
Tell the truth.
Period.
Just be honest and then get real.
(24:02):
Be raw.
And that's really just be in thosefeelings.
As you're telling the truth and beingreal, you're gonna just feel those
feelings to a real degree and be honestabout them.
Stay relevant, share with people who needto know it, and stay focused on the things
that are important to you, and then bededicated to big results.
(24:26):
Those are things that can always guide mewhenever I start to get lost as to, well,
what do need to do next?
Like, there's so much stuff.
Like, I know that it's overwhelming.
Just being a human, being ADHD can make it
Very worse, very worse, a lot worse.
Then next is just trusting the checklistprocesses and commitments over my
(24:47):
feelings.
I am going to feel bad sometimes.
I am going to have bad days.
I'm going to wake up and I'm going to feelthat pressure on my chest.
Like, what the fuck am I doing?
I have no idea, but I have to trust theprocess.
I had to trust the fact that me on thismedication with all of my analytical
(25:07):
thought,
has put a plan into place to take care ofme whenever I am not able to do that kind
of processing initially.
And something that is going to beimportant to me is staying focused on my
life priority list.
Like as I'm living by the code, there arethings that are also important to me and
(25:28):
that is to, sorry, hold on.
All this stuff is written down by the way,because I know once again, I know I'm
ADHD.
I know that I will forget whenever I getstressed.
So I need to be able to refer back to thisstuff.
So I don't do that.
So my, the three guiding things that aregoing to be just put, I'm going to tattoo
(25:54):
everywhere around me is to provide for myfamily.
And that is a multiple of three.
It is not just financial.
It is to emotionally provide for myfamily.
to spiritually provide for my family andto emotionally, I'm sorry, and to
financially provide for my family.
Those are the three things I need to beworking on every single day.
(26:14):
Sorry, those are the three things for thatpart of my priority list.
The second is live by the code.
So just continue to be absolutely raw andhonest and really just live in my pain for
a while so I can like, while I'm really,
(26:34):
able to feel it, I can learn from it and Ican.
I don't know, I can optimize that to I'msorry, not optimize, I can leverage that
to build my kingdom and that is my lastten is build my kingdom.
I want to I want to have my own businesslike I mean I do, but I want it to be.
(26:55):
I don't want it to be an empire, but Iwant it to be big.
I wanted to like, I want to be the leaderof a movement of ADHD parents who are
living life on purpose.
They're no longer being, they're no longerbeing NPCs.
For those of you who don't know, thatmeans non -player characters in the game
(27:15):
of life.
I want to be a movement leader for peoplewho are taking the fucking controller and
they are taking control of their life andthey are playing the game to the realest
and rawest.
like extent of the word.
That's what I like.
I want that to be my kingdom.
I want that to be what I wake up every dayand do.
Like I've got a couple of clients that I'mcurrently helping do that.
(27:37):
And as I'm expanding myself, I'm expandingmy ability to help them.
I'm learning all kinds of new tools andprocesses to help them work through the
types of issues I'm working throughmyself.
Just like, I don't know.
what everybody listening thinks about theidea that those who can't do coach, but
(28:01):
for me as a life coach, that's notanywhere close to true.
I have taken this game of developingmyself and I have just dove head first
into it.
And I am, I am real about this shit.
So whenever I come to somebody and I say,I can help you, it's because I know I
can't.
It's because I know I've been through theworst shit.
(28:24):
possible And so I know that I can helpguide people to the other side can I help
somebody who is been through exactly whatI've been through and Has handled it
unmedicated.
Yes, I still can I still have the way thatmy brain works I have learned lessons and
been able to apply the critical thinkingskills I've gained to just extract things
(28:50):
from it that other people just don't seeand
That's my God given talent.
That's why I was put on this earth is tobe able to help people see what they need
to see to take themselves to the nextlevel.
That's it, that's what I'm here to do.
Anyways, so the habits I've built overthis time of being medicated, I've got
(29:18):
lots of habits.
They help me keep from losing stuff, theyhelp to keep me from getting too
distracted.
And because once again, being onmedication has not protected me from a lot
of the pitfalls of being ADHD, which kindof calls myself to the court, it's like,
saying, why did I stay on it this long ifI was still struggling from all those
(29:39):
things?
And that goes back again to being afraid,being terrified of the real feeling, being
terrified of that guy who had all theanger, who, who scared people, who, you
know, bordered on laying his hands onwomen who broke many things because of his
anger.
And once again, on medication, I stillbroke stuff.
(30:00):
I never hit anybody.
I never shook anybody.
I never did that.
But I broke doors, I broke a chair, Ibroke phones, I threw stuff.
I've been dangerous on medication and off.
The difference is, there's no difference.
What I've learned is how to control me.
(30:26):
How to stop hiding me.
Because hiding, keeping me,
locked up and in prison is what causesthose outbursts of anger.
Trying to lie and hide is what causes thatpressure that bubbles up to the surface
and explodes.
(30:48):
I know that very well from personalexperience is you cannot control anger
when you are constantly hiding yourselffrom the world or from yourself even you
have to be able to connect with your truthor You are going to hurt people and you
are going to hurt yourself So the lastthing the last precaution I'm taking is I
(31:11):
will not make any life -altering decisionsduring this 30 days I will not decide any
career changes or which
I mean, I'm not going to a physical jobright now, but I am actively lurking,
looking.
So if I get a job, I won't quit duringthis time.
Um, I will keep coaching during this time.
And yeah, that's, that's how I'm going to,those are the guard rails.
(31:36):
I've also got some things to find that,you know, are important.
Like what is a win?
It's for me, a win is to survive thistime.
Like.
survive, not die, but explore this pain,like explore all these things that I've
listed in my journals and my stackswithout being able to feel, but explore
those feelings without creating any moreunnecessary pain.
(32:01):
So without hurting my wife, withouthurting my kids, without doing that, and
then especially without takingaccountability.
So if I, of course there are going to betimes if I'm unmedicated and I'm in touch
with these emotions, I'm
likely to have the occasional slip upwhere I like my emotions get, you know,
get away from me a little bit.
(32:21):
I hope that it's going to be much lessthan it would have been in the past, but I
really, I don't know.
I don't know what kind of Russian emotionis going to come, but I know now that I
have to take accountability.
I know now that I can't be embarrassed andshameful for having emotions.
I have to own it.
I have to show my kids it's okay to feelanger, but you have to be able to handle
(32:42):
it in a responsible way.
I can't, I cannot hurt anybody.
I hope not to hurt anybody emotionally,but I definitely will not hurt anybody
physically.
And I know how to leverage my stacking andjournaling to make sure I don't do that.
And that's, you know, it's exciting tohave things in place already that are
going to help me mitigate this journey.
(33:05):
And so a loss would be hurting myself,either hurting my business or hurting my
body somehow, or.
hurting my emotional state to some degreeof severity or anybody else and not taking
accountability.
And how do I measure that?
How am I going to measure those types ofalmost ethereal goals in relationships and
(33:32):
connection and clarity?
My wife will be able to tell me.
If I if this has improved our relationshipto her or not I will be able to feel if I
feel closer to my wife or not SomethingI'm doing all of this for is searching a
deeper connection with my children.
I will be able to feel hopefully I'll beable to actually feel that connection on a
(33:55):
deeper level and What I want to gain fromit is information connection data
connection to myself connection to others
connection to the voice of God, connectionto the audience I'm supposed to serve.
I've been struggling for a time becauseI've been out here just being raw and I've
(34:16):
been, I thought being raw, but being realand telling the truth and not getting any
sort of feedback from the audience who islistening to me.
And I think that as I start to devolvemore into an emotional state, I will start
to see more connection.
The glass.
face that I've had like the I don't knowthe cold stare the I don't know.
(34:42):
I don't feel like I look that unemotional,but I don't I know I don't look that
emotional.
So I feel like people maybe think I'mhiding something and I'm not trying to but
I feel like that medication does make mefeel like I'm not emoting and I hope that
that level of honesty plus the emotionsthat are behind it are going to reach
(35:02):
people in a deep way and I'm going tostart to
engage with people and feel like I'mactually finding the people who are really
trying to serve and they're going to tellme that they're here for it.
So overall, being able to feel my truthand not just talk about it.
That's the goal to be able to like fullyaccess my pain so I can.
(35:28):
Well, so like I talked about the pitearly, the pit is like the the darkness
inside of you.
It's the like all your bad shit, eitherunresolved or resolved.
It's going back to those bad moments andgetting inside of how you felt in those.
And for those who hide from it, it is aplace of
Fear and it takes all your strength awayfrom you and makes you feel helpless For
(35:52):
those who have resolved those issues theystill go back there and you use it as a
place of power you check back in withthose deep dark moments and you continue
to go back in and remaster those emotionsand re retell the story Rewrite the story
of who you were in that moment rewrite thestory of you know
(36:15):
being helpless in that moment, takingaccountability for the things you've done,
taking ability or accountability for thethings that happen to you.
And then as you take that accountability,you're able to turn that into power to
fuel your dreams.
And right now I feel like I'm fucking, I'mtrying to run on unleaded whenever I need
(36:36):
premium fuel.
That I feel like that's the perfectexample.
So I'm, I'm unlocking the premium baby.
Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be jetfuel because I don't know how that's going
to go down.
But I want to be able to access that so Ican be seen by those who are at the
deepest, darkest bottom of their pitbecause they can only be reached by
(36:57):
absolute raw and real truth.
Those people who are at the very lowest,at the very fucking deep bottom of the
pit, they think that nobody else has everbeen there.
They think that they're totally on theirfucking own and I can't.
Can't in this state.
I don't think I can get to them.
I'm like I'm trying to let them know thatI've seen it I'm trying to like really
(37:19):
just expose myself, but Not being able tofeel it.
I feel like they did they can't believe itlike I don't know about this guy I don't
know if he's really on the level.
I Don't know what we'll find out so Iencourage you to tune back in next week to
see if the fucking wheels fall off as I goon this journey like We'll see I don't
think that they are I think that this is
(37:40):
I feel like I'm being called, even if it'sjust for a brief journey to try this.
I feel like I've been hearing, I've beentalking about this a lot, like I feel like
I've been being pulled, compelled, moved,urged, called to certain things, but the
call hasn't been specific.
It has been unclear.
(38:00):
There has been a lot of guiding hands andthen signs that have like literally
happened in front of me.
It's like, oh, okay, you're telling methrough this thing, this is what I need to
do.
But I want to...
I want to take the silencer off of thiscalling.
I want it to be fucked.
I want it to be as loud as possible.
I want to put my ear to the speaker andhave it freaking blow my eardrum out.
(38:23):
I want the call to be clear.
And I feel like in order to do that, Ihave to get deep in the pit and I got to
get familiar with this pain.
And if you're looking to push yourself andgrow out of your comfort zone, if you are
numb, like I was even long before thisrealization, if you're just sleepwalking
through your life,
I strongly suggest you go take the ADHDaimless life assessment linked in the
(38:46):
description and get the next steps that Iprovide to taking back control of your
life.
Stop being a bystander in your own life.
This is a game, but only if you takecontrol and play.
That is it for me this week on AuthenticOn Air.
I will see you next week.
Thank you so very much.
Good night.
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