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February 18, 2024 22 mins

Join Dr. Regan for the second episode in the Communication Series. This episode highlights ways to use communication to protect and grow relationships. 

 

Dr. Regan's Resources:

Zur Institute courses for clinicians

Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

 

 

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.

(00:07):
Hello and welcome. This is Dr. Regan, and you're joining me for an episode of
Autism in the Adult podcast.
My day job is as a neuropsychologist, which is a specialist in brain-behavior
relationships, and I work in a medical setting.
I'm the founder and director of an autism diagnostic clinic for ages 14 through

(00:29):
90, and I've completed nearly a thousand autism assessments,
and And I have about a four-year wait list.
Now, these statistics are such a striking snapshot of how much growth we have
to do in developing resources for individuals across their lifespan.
I've had some great recent experiences connecting and collaborating with others

(00:54):
about the topic of autism in the adult.
I was recently a guest on Sirius XM Radio with clinical psychologist Jessica Stern,
we had a really good talk about recognizing neurodiversity in adults and across the entire lifespan.
And I also just returned from San Antonio, Texas, where I had the opportunity to speak to staff at St.

(01:21):
Mary's University about neurodiversity in the context of the college campus.
So thank you for your hospitality.
As for my own projects, I'm working on some exciting new content.
I often make one-year or two-year plans for new projects and content,

(01:42):
and this year I've decided to create educational opportunities for the community, for the public.
For the past few years, I was focusing on creating content to train clinicians,
but I received so many emails from autistic adults and family members who want
to support and love them, but they really also want opportunities to learn and to interact.

(02:08):
So my new offerings will combine video-based courses with follow-up opportunities
to engage in scheduled live Zoom calls with other learners and with me.
During the calls, there will be opportunities for question and answer,
as well as additional information not included in the original content.

(02:32):
This will be a project that develops over the next few years,
but look for my first offering within the next month or so.
This offering will be geared toward individuals looking for ways to support
their neurodiverse family members.
So parents, siblings, and other family members, keep an eye out for content

(02:53):
coming soon at my website, adultandgeriatricautism.com.
So today we're going to continue with our podcast series on communication.
And today we're going to talk about communication when the goal is to enhance
and strengthen our relationship with that person.

(03:18):
So if we're thinking about it, there are so many different reasons for communicating.
For example, one reason might be correcting someone. So sometimes parents,
employers, or teachers might do this frequently.
Another purpose would be simply to share information.

(03:39):
For example, a couple may communicate in the morning to exchange information
about their daily schedule, or a friend might want to share what they recently
learned about a shared interest with another friend.
And yet another might be to share about emotions or experiences.
Experiences, there are so many, many reasons for communicating.

(04:02):
We could list more and more and more.
So one thing that I would encourage you to do is to start thinking about why
am I talking right now? Why am I communicating?
And most often we don't think about that.
We just talk, But we haven't really become conscious of what our goal is in speaking.

(04:27):
It's not that talking for the joy of talking isn't okay.
It's just that if we don't know what our ultimate goal is, we might speak in
a way that actually works against our goal or causes other problems.
Then in addition to why am I speaking, think about what the other person needs.

(04:49):
Maybe your joy of speaking and talking would be a great one to share with a
friend right now, but the family member you're actually speaking with is struggling
or is tired or is disengaged.
So talking may feel good to you, but not to the other person,
which ultimately works against your joy.

(05:12):
So in the last episode, we talked about realizing who we're speaking with,
what the timing of what we're saying is, and also just this awareness of what the other person needs.
When we are able to realize why we're speaking,
if things do get tense or there's a misunderstanding or things go awry,

(05:36):
we can make decisions in order to preserve our original goal,
our highest goal in communicating.
So sometimes our goal is to strengthen our relationship with that person.
And this may be a goal in a romantic partnership or a goal within a family,

(05:56):
such as with a parent and child or between siblings.
And it can be a goal between friends.
Part of of our attention is on the relationship itself and connecting with the other person.
So what kinds of communication could we use if we actually want to nourish and

(06:18):
strengthen and maintain a relationship?
One of the things we can do is talk to the other person about something that's
important to them or interesting to them, even when it's not important or interesting to us.
This could be something that's going on in their life, like it's their grandson's

(06:41):
graduation coming up, or it could be a topic of fascination to them,
like football or history or quilting.
So part of a relationship, this kind of relationship that we want to strengthen
and and maintain will be sacrifice for the other.
So one person interacting about what is important to the other is a sacrifice

(07:06):
for the good of the relationship.
And this communicates to the other, you are important to me.
I'm not just here for the topic. I'm here to hear about you,
about your life, about what's interesting to you, because I value you and I value our connection.

(07:27):
So one strengthening form of communication will be to focus for periods of time
on what is important and valued and interesting to the other person.
A second thing that we could attend to is to establish this culture,

(07:50):
this tradition between you and the person you're in relationship with,
to establish that this is a partnering connection,
a relationship with a partnership. ownership.
Even if there's an uneven authority,
we can still establish this foundation of,

(08:14):
I care about what you need, and I also know what I need, and there's an attention
to the needs of the other person, and communication may frequently sound like,
this is what I need, what do you need?
And how can we both get our needs met in this situation?

(08:37):
This type of communication, the awareness of yourself, the awareness of the
other, the partnering with the person, wanting things to be good for the person.
This communicates that we value the well-being of the other.

(08:57):
I know you have needs and I'm committed to those in addition to the needs of
myself and other people here.
Now you might think, well, how could you do that in an authority type of relationship?
Let's take the example of a teacher. A teacher in a middle school classroom

(09:21):
may have a student who is talkative and fidgety during class.
And really, this level of noise and activity, it's distracting to other students.
It's draining for the teacher.
It really isn't working well to create an environment of learning.

(09:43):
Now, the teacher may say to the student, it looks like your body and your brain
have just a lot of energy right now, and it's coming out as moving and talking.
I really need to have more quiet in the classroom so that others can learn the material,
and I wonder how we could help your body have what it needs and still support

(10:10):
a quieter space for learning.
Now, this establishes many good things.
It establishes that there are guidelines in the classroom. This is a structured setting.
There are some guidelines and rules to follow. But.
It also establishes a culture of partnership,

(10:33):
wondering, curiosity, creativity, and wanting there to be this culture where
people are okay, that I expect you to have needs,
I have needs, and let's work together to create this in our culture.
The teacher is also teaching the students and the other learners in the class

(10:57):
that life is about self-monitoring and also about creative problem-solving.
And the final solution, let's say it's allowing the student to walk back and
forth in the back of the classroom during class,
that process of communicating toward a solution is really a testament to using

(11:24):
creativity within structure.
So the teacher is establishing this partnering kind of connection even in the
context of authority and a structured rule-oriented context,
but also teaching this process of using creativity within structure to help

(11:48):
people get their needs needs met.
So, so far, we've talked about a couple types of communication that can strengthen a relationship.
One would be when we sacrifice our time and focus and energy to talk to someone
about what's important to them,
what's interesting to them, even when we really have no interest in it.

(12:14):
A second type of communication would be creating this partnering kind of culture.
A third is to think about ways that we can show respect and value for the other
person, for their gifts and talents and what they bring.
Because when we're in a relationship, particularly over a long time,

(12:38):
these everyday demands can really take center stage.
So things like who forgot to feed the dogs and how do we get person A to their
event and person B to their event at the same time?
How are we going to juggle these schedules, these logistics just to get through our day?

(13:00):
How are we going to get this project done on time in a workplace?
You know, all of these demands every day become our primary focus.
And communication may slide into instruction, like don't forget to get this
done, and correction, like, hey, you were supposed to get this done and you didn't.

(13:27):
So I need you to do it better or different or on time so that our tasks can get done.
But we can also focus on
communication that values what the other
does bring to the relationship and one way to do that is to ask the other for
advice and that can be a really nice way of honoring their strengths their ideas

(13:54):
and demonstrating that we actually need help in certain areas as well.
So areas where we have a weakness, this other person has a strength and we're
acknowledging and honoring that.
This does go back to the partnership idea, even when authority is present.

(14:15):
But when we have this culture of partnership, sacrifice for the other,
valuing the the other, an exchange of ideas, such as advice,
can come naturally and really cement this foundational culture.
So asking for advice may sound like, hey, one thing I'm realizing about myself

(14:38):
is that I'm struggling to get out the door on time in the morning.
And I feel like you do that really well, and I'm wondering if you have ideas
that might help me in this situation.
So here, we honor what the other person does well.
We acknowledge our own weaknesses and struggles.

(15:03):
We reinforce this culture of wondering and being curious and exchanging ideas,
and we are asking them for their input.
So we've asked for advice, and in that is also a compliment to the other.
You do something well, and I see that. I see what you do well.

(15:28):
So instead of saying, hey, you didn't feed the dogs, we're now also balancing
the communication with, I really noticed that you're strong in this area,
and it's something I'm struggling with.
Some individuals, particularly some who are neurodiverse, may feel overwhelmed with a lot of.

(15:52):
Conversational attention or kind of focus that may come along with compliments.
Compliments that's not everyone but some
people may feel overwhelmed by positive attention
as well another way to
compliment someone who maybe has this
sensitivity to personal attention would be to compliment them to another person

(16:17):
within hearing distance for example if a wife compliments her husband's organizational
skills to friends when they're over for dinner.
Her husband hears the compliment and it strengthens the relationship.
So it's a little indirect as far as compliments, but it's part of that culture.

(16:40):
It's part of revealing how she thinks about him.
And even though he's saved some of the kind of personal eye contact attention,
he still gets that positive input that she values his skills and abilities.
So this third recommendation is about active ways to use communication to show respect respect,

(17:07):
and value for what the other brings to the relationship, to the context,
that they have strengths, we have weaknesses.
We compliment them and we ask them for their input or advice.
The final thing we'll talk about today is making sure that we have a communication

(17:28):
culture culture where any topic or feeling is on the table for discussion.
For example, we can watch that we aren't spending a lot of communication time
trying to convince someone else that they shouldn't feel the way they're feeling
or they shouldn't say or have the opinions that they have.

(17:50):
So what would an example be? Well, perhaps there's a romantic couple,
Jade and Wren. And Jade is complaining about his mom.
And Ren, his first impulse is to say, yes, but she does mean well.
And really, that's what mothers do, isn't it?

(18:13):
Now, we say things like that to reduce the negative vibe, you know,
the negative emotions, maybe to help someone feel better, to cheer them up.
But it sends the message that you're feeling something that you shouldn't feel.
And if you are feeling that, I really need to make it go away,

(18:36):
or I need to let you know that I disagree.
And that's just not something we're going to talk about and have space for.
That doesn't mean that we should agree with everything our partner or friend feels or or expresses.
But sometimes giving space for someone to feel is what is most important in a relationship.

(19:04):
Ren may find that there's a better connection with Jane if he says,
it's been really frustrating for you, this thing with your mom,
which allows Jade to have space space to feel.
And Ren is not saying I agree or disagree.
He's just saying I see you and I hear you. And you can have space to express yourself.

(19:32):
This also doesn't mean that everyone can express every emotion and word and
behavior that they feel just because they feel them.
If they hurt other people, for example.
This can be illustrated when a parent says to their son, you know,
it's okay for you to be angry, but it's not okay for you to hit people.

(19:55):
So let's summarize today's topic and recommendations.
Relationships need attention, and communication can be part of what strengthens the relationship.
There are many instances in which talking is for a purpose other than relationship
growth, but when we realize, hey, my primary goal right now is actually to strengthen our relationship,

(20:22):
then you might want to consider some of these four approaches.
Sacrifice for the other by talking to them about what's important to them or
interesting to them, even when it's not important or interesting to you.
Focus on creating a partnering culture
where in relationships even with

(20:43):
uneven authority there can be a focus on what each person needs and some creative
problem solving to attend to the needs of each person focus on communication
that highlights the strengths and the value that you have for the other,
such as asking for advice and offering compliments.

(21:06):
Finally, making sure that we allow space for the other to communicate negative
feelings and opinions without correcting them.
And this can be done while still protecting others and what others need.
So keep in mind these four tips if you realize that you have a relationship
that you want to nurture, develop and maintain,

(21:29):
but remember that it all starts with our growing ability to think about the why of our talking.
What is my goal in speaking and how can I protect that goal with mindfulness
and intentional choices about what I say to whom and when?
Thank you for joining And make sure to watch for the third and final episode

(21:54):
of our communication series, which focuses on communication.
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