April 29, 2024 • 29 mins
Join Dr. Regan for this second episode of the Powerful Self-Care Series. Rather than becoming the victim of an intense world, constantly in survival mode, learn strategies to become effective with self-care. This episode focuses on how to reduce draining inputs in order to budget your resilience.
Explore Dr. Regan's new Learning and Equipping page and the specific course page for "Empowered Parenting."
Dr. Regan's Resources:
Zur Institute courses for clinicians
Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed
Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors
Autism in the Adult website homepage
Website Resources for Clinicians
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:06):
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Regan, and you are joining me for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.
This is where I translate the language of neurology into practical day-to-day
understanding and strategies.
The information is rooted in my decades of experience as a neuropsychologist
in a medical center, my day job as the director of an adult diagnostic autism
(00:32):
clinic in central Illinois,
where I've performed nearly a thousand assessments in those 14 through 90 years
of age, and my forever role as a mom to a young adult on the spectrum.
I have had so much fun since the last episode, connecting with people in the
clinic through my website, and I even got to return as a guest with Dr.
(00:55):
Jessica Stern on Sirius XM Radio, talking about autism in the adult.
And of course, I have been busy creating new content on my website,
adultandgeriatricautism.com, so head over there to check it out.
Working with and interacting with others and immersing myself in creative projects
(01:16):
is really energizing to me,
and I can't wait to get back to our series on empowering you to discover your
strength in the area of self-care.
Now, a lot of times we go through life and we start to know that there are recurring themes.
What are people talking to us about? What do we observe? What events are happening?
(01:40):
And what are people sharing as far as things they'd like to overcome or concerns that they have?
And that's been the case for me recently as I've realized how easy it is for
any of us to feel tossed about by the world, and for very understandable reasons.
The world can be intense. People are complex.
(02:03):
Life is hard work. And although retreating to sleep, rest, or stopping all activity
can be helpful sometimes,
over a lifetime, this response to hardship can really make us smaller.
It can diminish us. And we really start to believe that we don't have any power.
(02:27):
We can't get small enough to escape the hard stuff at a certain point,
and in the process, it's easy to, again, just think of ourselves as having no
impact or influence on how we're doing.
So let's set the foundation for this discussion.
Firstly, the autistic individual will have some level of difficulty finding
(02:52):
and staying in a centered place.
And that's true regarding alertness.
So how do I really get awake and alert and energized after sleep?
And then after my waking day, how can I calm down and shift into a lower gear
(03:14):
so that I can sleep after the day's activity?
It has to do with attention, so finding the just right spot for attention that sits between.
Distractibility and being unable to break my attention, being kind of stuck
attending to one thing when I really need to attend to something else.
(03:39):
And it also has to do with our emotions, finding a space where we can feel psychologically
present, aware of our emotions, but not overwhelmed by them.
So when the person finds the centered place, we call that regulated.
(03:59):
And when they are off-center, if they're overwhelmed, if they're disconnected,
then we say that they're dysregulated.
So, number one is that the difficulty in life is real.
The world can be intense, and the search for a comfortable place internally
can be really challenging, particularly for those with autistic neurology.
(04:24):
The second thing that we know in our foundation is that no human will have complete
control over how they're feeling at any given time.
They won't have control over what happens to them during the day, how others treat them.
They won't have complete control over unexpected and challenging experiences.
(04:48):
And this is true for the autistic as well.
There is no complete control offered to us in this life.
The third thing to remember, though, is that we do have influence.
And although we don't have complete control over what happens around us or inside
(05:09):
us, we do have some impact and influence to find a more comfortable place.
So if you've been listening to me for any period of time across all the episodes,
you know that I might encourage you to be a detective about your system and
what's happening around you and to figure out what might this look like to get
(05:35):
you to a more centered place in this situation.
I want you to shine, to take up space, and to find your way.
That doesn't mean that life will be easy all the time.
There will be some ease and some hard stuff, but the reminder is the message
(05:56):
that you do have strength.
So let's find it so that you can use your power to do some of these hard things
and so that escape is not your only strategy for being overwhelmed.
The last episode was the first one in our self-care series and I encouraged
(06:18):
you to start this journey of power by noticing when you are dysregulated in
your everyday life and what that looks like.
So your reactions are clues.
They are sources of information about when you are struggling and when you are centered.
(06:38):
A fight reaction, a flight reaction,
freeze, or certain physical reactions may be the information that you're able
to notice that really helps you understand that your nervous system needs some attention and care.
Let's take the flight reaction as an example. Rather than noticing that you're
(07:03):
having a flight reaction, like that feeling like, oh my gosh, I have to get out of here,
and interpreting it as a sign that you do need to leave to escape danger,
what if you noticed that desire to escape and then said, oh,
I have an instinct to escape.
(07:24):
That's really revealing to me. That's a clue.
My nervous system is feeling overwhelmed.
The goal eventually is to get you to the place where you can then say,
and I know some things I can do to take care of my nervous system.
So when my system gives me the clue that I'm overwhelmed, I've listened to the
(07:48):
clue, and I respond with some strategies that empower me to take care of myself.
So when you receive these clues, pay attention to what has been happening in the recent past.
Things that may have contributed to the drain on your system.
(08:09):
So various things can be draining.
And these are even sometimes things that we love, that we get excited about.
Experiences that get our adrenaline up can be draining to our system overall,
whether they feel like anxious experiences or exciting experiences that we're anticipating.
(08:33):
When our system is drained, then we need to recharge and center again.
What do I mean by things that drain the system.
So think about things like a transition.
This could include graduating from high school, changing jobs,
(08:54):
retiring, moving to a new house.
Consider being in a complex or unpredictable environment.
So that might look like taking your child to preschool gymnastics class,
working in an environment with really quickly changing priorities.
You might want to look to see if there are high adrenaline situations going on in your life.
(09:20):
For example, maybe you and a friend went to Comic-Con in a large city for this
event that you're very excited about that's related to your special interest. So a large convention.
Maybe you're at a holiday celebration or maybe you've gotten to see a performance
(09:40):
related to your special interest performer.
Those are high adrenaline situations.
Maybe you've had physical drain, so maybe you're not feeling well,
you haven't slept well, you've got pain, maybe you're hungry,
dehydrated, you're too warm or too cold.
You may have recently experienced relationship ups and downs,
(10:04):
so high emotions, whether positive or painful,
or maybe feedback at work, a misunderstanding with a friend,
or maybe you've been in a new environment lately.
Even if a new environment is comfortable, like you want a trip to a luxury resort,
it's not the environment itself that your nervous system is drained by,
(10:30):
but just the fact that it's not your typical environment.
This isn't your bed. This isn't your food.
These kind of things may be draining to your nervous system and put you closer
to that place where you're tipping into being dysregulated.
(10:52):
So these are circumstances to be aware of as you become a detective about your system.
What are you experiencing? What does your nervous system need from you.
The reactions are yours. So although I'm offering some generalizations,
the goal is for you to have increased awareness of how your system responds to daily life.
(11:20):
How your system is doing is likely to change over time, depending on multiple
factors like hormone changes, aging, and many other things.
So being as aware as possible will benefit you when it comes to caring for your
nervous system now and in the future as you notice shifts and changes.
(11:42):
One of the things that I find actually really valuable is to make a list of
draining and filling things that your nervous system responds to.
So you can have a column on the left of a page that says draining and a column
on the right that says filling.
So when we're in the midst of daily life, it's often tough to just expect that
(12:07):
we can stay aware or always be in tune with what's draining or filling us.
But when we do have moments of regulation or dysregulation,
consider making a note in your phone or computer or notebook,
this goes in the draining column, this goes in the filling column.
(12:28):
One of the striking things that happens is that we can see with our own eyes
how many things our nervous system has experienced lately that fall in the draining column.
And then we can look at the filling column. That's the column of things that
help fill us up so we don't feel so depleted.
(12:51):
And see if there's been a balance of what's been hard on our nervous system
and what's been really soothing and comforting and filling.
Many times the draining column really tips the scale.
And unless we're actively watching that balance, we can all of a sudden become dysregulated.
(13:13):
So this is part of your personal power, not only the awareness of what's been
draining or filling for you, but also taking action to balance what your system is processing.
Today's episode is going to focus on ways to reduce the amount of drain that
(13:34):
your system is dealing with on a day-to-day basis.
So one way to balance what your system is handling is to reduce drain.
And another way is to increase things that are soothing and comforting and filling.
But today's episode will focus on that first thing. So reducing the drain on your resilience.
(13:58):
I'm going to talk specifically about three approaches.
One is to take away drain in your daily life that really doesn't have a high level of importance.
So what does that mean? Well, there may be things that drain your system that
(14:19):
in the end aren't of a hugely high priority. Would it be nice if these things happened?
Possibly, but they may not be that thing that you want to use some of your resilience on.
So for example, it may drain you to use toothpaste A, so maybe you switch to
(14:43):
toothpaste B, or maybe you just settle on using a mouth rinse.
Calling a doctor's office may
be draining so that you use the email through the
medical record instead although your
diet doesn't include a lot of variety your labs
are normal your body seems to be getting enough vital nutrients so maybe you
(15:06):
don't focus on the expectation that you should eat eat broccoli or fruit or
other varieties of food if that would really cost your system a lot.
You may make the decision on whether to release an expectation that causes drain
by asking yourself, do I want to use up some of my resilience for this particular goal?
(15:32):
In other words, this goal would cost you, and if you're budgeting your resilience, your wellness,
do you have enough in savings to cover the cost of this activity?
So only you will know as your awareness increases what that's going to cost
(15:58):
you and how much resilience maybe you you have saved up.
And there will be a point where, yes, it may be nice if you could,
you know, get through certain things or shift something.
But really, in the big scheme of things, you don't want to use some of your
resilience on this particular activity.
(16:21):
In addition to prioritizing what you spend your resilience on,
think about also budgeting for how much you spend on the good stuff.
So this last one we talked about was budgeting how much you're using for things that don't matter.
And this one is how much you spend on the good stuff.
(16:44):
So one characteristic of autistic neurology is that it leans toward being all in.
Or all out with topics or activities. And this means that especially if you're
someone who has a special interest,
you might load your schedule with this interest or activity without realizing
(17:06):
that it actually does cost you something.
So this may happen month after month, year after year, semester after semester,
Christmas after Christmas, that when you're faced again with a choice of how to pack your schedule,
your nervous system is still going to lean toward really grabbing a lot of that special interest,
(17:33):
even if clues from the last season told you, man, that was too much.
Let me give you an example. Let's take the example of a college student who
really had a tough semester.
They were melting down. They were unable to attend class regularly.
(17:54):
They struggled to catch up and indeed had to drop a class and also get special
permission to turn certain things in late.
They even ended up in the emergency department on one occasion for this really
acute anxiety and panic.
But when it comes to signing up for the next semester, they go right back to
(18:18):
that, oh, I want to take this class. This is going to be really interesting.
And when someone says, wait a minute, weren't you really too overloaded with
this many credits last semester? they may say, well, yes, but it'll be okay
because I'm really interested in this class.
(18:38):
I wasn't as interested in the last class, but in reality, this is kind of a
repeat of what they were faced with the previous semester.
This person may need cues from outside of themselves to rein their plans in a little bit.
Again, maybe a partner has agreed to cue them or a friend, maybe a counselor.
(19:02):
A parent, sometimes just having them write in their own journal,
you know, a note to my future self.
When you think that you are going to really have fun with this many college
credits, think again, because this is what the middle of the semester feels like.
So the cost, even though it's very interesting stuff, the cost to the nervous
(19:27):
system can be actually quite high because they're increasing some demand,
some intensity of their pace.
And the goal is to budget your resilience, even if it's how much do I spend on the good stuff.
(19:51):
The student may wish to take fewer classes, but they also may wish to take fewer
advanced classes, for example.
So one strategy would be for the college student to cut down from 18 to 15 credits or 15 to 12 credits,
or they could switch their advanced math class to a basic math class because
(20:16):
that meets the criteria. They're not a math major.
And really that's going to be sufficient, then they've saved some resilience for something else.
Even if they're capable of taking advanced math from an intellectual and academic
perspective, are they budgeting their resilience well?
(20:37):
What does their nervous system need? The only question to be considered can't
be, you know, can they academically pull that off?
Of course, they They very well may be able to, but they have to budget the intensity
that they're going to be feeling,
the cost of that on their nervous system, and how much resilience they want
(21:01):
to give to that when not all of that is required.
You could also think about reducing involvement in an event.
So it's Christmas dinner. I do want to celebrate the holidays,
but it's going to be very draining for me to hang out for an entire day.
(21:21):
So maybe the person decides to come for Christmas dinner or only to come to
exchange gifts with close family,
and then to know that they're going to have to leave and have alone time once that's finished.
The third thing that I would recommend is pacing some of the difficult things.
(21:46):
So although procrastination often lures us into putting off some hard stuff,
that means that we We have to give everything we have at the very last minute
in a huge push to get through what needs to be done anyway.
If we have to drain ourselves completely, we either end up very dysregulated
(22:09):
or we decide we aren't going to do any of this task because it's just going
to cost us too much to be drained out, emptied out, you know.
And because the autistic nervous system leans toward being all in or out,
it can be doubly difficult to break a large task down into smaller tasks.
(22:32):
And I have some clients who note that they just can't start cleaning the basement
because to them, they want to work until it's finished.
I'm either cleaning the basement or I haven't cleaned it, but I don't want to
halfway clean it. And therefore I can't start because I can't do the whole thing right now.
(22:54):
Rather than finishing a piece of something and then leaving other pieces for
later, that just feels wrong to the nervous system.
But when we're talking about how to reduce strain and budget our resilience,
it often does help to do bits of hard things at a time and to balance that with
(23:17):
being filled up with other things, being soothed or comforted or energized.
So if we are budgeting our energy and our resilience, it may be like a payment plan.
You know, rather than paying for a new roof all at once, we realize this is going to cost me.
(23:38):
I'm going to see if I can make installment payments, so a little bit over time.
The same Same is true for our resilience.
So it would really cost me to do this project all in one day.
So I'm going to break up a large school or work project into smaller pieces
(24:01):
so that if I do have a cost,
a drain associated with getting stuff done for this project,
it's a drain that I can afford in these small pieces.
Maybe it's getting our taxes done or cleaning out the garage or planning a wedding.
(24:22):
One approach to pacing may be to say, I don't have to do the whole project.
I'm just going to work for 20 minutes on this task today.
Or I'm going to read 25 pages of this book every day so I can get it done by the due date.
The person tackling a cleaning project or planning a celebration like a graduation party may say,
(24:46):
I'm just going to focus on this corner of the garage today, or I just need to
look at invitations today and that is it.
This is reminiscent of something called the Pomodoro technique when studying.
It's this technique where you set a timer for about 20 minutes or so,
(25:07):
and you work intently on studying or working on the material for that period of time.
But then, even if, you know, you've gotten some type of momentum,
you take a break when the timer goes off, and the break is also time-limited.
In, you do something completely different, like walking around the block or
(25:30):
swinging or playing with the
dog, and then you jump back in when the timer for the break is finished.
So you're doing these sprints rather than trying to do a marathon all at once.
So the pace helps balance the draining and the filling.
(25:51):
Another approach to pacing is sometimes called eat your frogs first.
And I'm not sure where the saying originated and apologies for those who love
eating frogs, but it symbolizes a commitment to doing the hard things first.
And this helps some people get stuff done.
So in our examples, it may mean that someone cleans the bathroom before they go out with friends.
(26:16):
Now, Now, this doesn't work for everyone.
Some people do really productive things in the evening.
They're kind of a night owl, and they really don't feel productive enough in
the morning to tackle something, quote, first.
For them, setting aside hard work may come easier later in the day.
So you can see that all of this is relative to how your nervous system works
(26:42):
and the choices that you make to take care of your own system,
and that's where your power and your strength lies.
So let's review what we've discussed in this episode.
Life takes a toll on us, and that's for a variety of reasons.
And the autistic may feel this toll more acutely, at least during some life seasons.
(27:07):
A pattern may emerge that to escape the cost of living and the drain that is part of that process,
the individual might withdraw and they might try to avoid any cost at all.
So that is, I have nothing left over to give.
(27:29):
Over the long term, this leads to a very small life and the loss of knowing
your own power and gifts.
So another approach is to become more aware of what is filling versus draining
for your nervous system and then to start budgeting this.
(27:52):
And today we talked about reducing the cost of life.
So that's monitoring and reducing what is draining in the nervous system,
things that you do have some amount of control over, knowing that there will,
in any budget, be things that cost you that are unplanned.
(28:13):
So you want to save in budget and pace yourself. self.
The next episode of the podcast will focus on increasing those things that strengthen
our resilience, the things that fill us up, you know, that give us more in our
bank account that we're budgeting.
When we're actively engaged in balancing the drain and the fill for our nervous
(28:37):
systems, we can really use our strength and choices to engage in life in a way that feels
more satisfying and more meaningful.
Before I sign off today, I encourage you to check out the resources at my website,
adultandgeriatricautism.com.
(28:57):
I have a new course for parents of autistic individuals and many other resources
for the autistic, for family members and couples navigating life on the spectrum.
Music.
Music.
(00:06):
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Regan, and you are joining me for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.
This is where I translate the language of neurology into practical day-to-day
understanding and strategies.
The information is rooted in my decades of experience as a neuropsychologist
in a medical center, my day job as the director of an adult diagnostic autism
(00:32):
clinic in central Illinois,
where I've performed nearly a thousand assessments in those 14 through 90 years
of age, and my forever role as a mom to a young adult on the spectrum.
I have had so much fun since the last episode, connecting with people in the
clinic through my website, and I even got to return as a guest with Dr.
(00:55):
Jessica Stern on Sirius XM Radio, talking about autism in the adult.
And of course, I have been busy creating new content on my website,
adultandgeriatricautism.com, so head over there to check it out.
Working with and interacting with others and immersing myself in creative projects
(01:16):
is really energizing to me,
and I can't wait to get back to our series on empowering you to discover your
strength in the area of self-care.
Now, a lot of times we go through life and we start to know that there are recurring themes.
What are people talking to us about? What do we observe? What events are happening?
(01:40):
And what are people sharing as far as things they'd like to overcome or concerns that they have?
And that's been the case for me recently as I've realized how easy it is for
any of us to feel tossed about by the world, and for very understandable reasons.
The world can be intense. People are complex.
(02:03):
Life is hard work. And although retreating to sleep, rest, or stopping all activity
can be helpful sometimes,
over a lifetime, this response to hardship can really make us smaller.
It can diminish us. And we really start to believe that we don't have any power.
(02:27):
We can't get small enough to escape the hard stuff at a certain point,
and in the process, it's easy to, again, just think of ourselves as having no
impact or influence on how we're doing.
So let's set the foundation for this discussion.
Firstly, the autistic individual will have some level of difficulty finding
(02:52):
and staying in a centered place.
And that's true regarding alertness.
So how do I really get awake and alert and energized after sleep?
And then after my waking day, how can I calm down and shift into a lower gear
(03:14):
so that I can sleep after the day's activity?
It has to do with attention, so finding the just right spot for attention that sits between.
Distractibility and being unable to break my attention, being kind of stuck
attending to one thing when I really need to attend to something else.
(03:39):
And it also has to do with our emotions, finding a space where we can feel psychologically
present, aware of our emotions, but not overwhelmed by them.
So when the person finds the centered place, we call that regulated.
(03:59):
And when they are off-center, if they're overwhelmed, if they're disconnected,
then we say that they're dysregulated.
So, number one is that the difficulty in life is real.
The world can be intense, and the search for a comfortable place internally
can be really challenging, particularly for those with autistic neurology.
(04:24):
The second thing that we know in our foundation is that no human will have complete
control over how they're feeling at any given time.
They won't have control over what happens to them during the day, how others treat them.
They won't have complete control over unexpected and challenging experiences.
(04:48):
And this is true for the autistic as well.
There is no complete control offered to us in this life.
The third thing to remember, though, is that we do have influence.
And although we don't have complete control over what happens around us or inside
(05:09):
us, we do have some impact and influence to find a more comfortable place.
So if you've been listening to me for any period of time across all the episodes,
you know that I might encourage you to be a detective about your system and
what's happening around you and to figure out what might this look like to get
(05:35):
you to a more centered place in this situation.
I want you to shine, to take up space, and to find your way.
That doesn't mean that life will be easy all the time.
There will be some ease and some hard stuff, but the reminder is the message
(05:56):
that you do have strength.
So let's find it so that you can use your power to do some of these hard things
and so that escape is not your only strategy for being overwhelmed.
The last episode was the first one in our self-care series and I encouraged
(06:18):
you to start this journey of power by noticing when you are dysregulated in
your everyday life and what that looks like.
So your reactions are clues.
They are sources of information about when you are struggling and when you are centered.
(06:38):
A fight reaction, a flight reaction,
freeze, or certain physical reactions may be the information that you're able
to notice that really helps you understand that your nervous system needs some attention and care.
Let's take the flight reaction as an example. Rather than noticing that you're
(07:03):
having a flight reaction, like that feeling like, oh my gosh, I have to get out of here,
and interpreting it as a sign that you do need to leave to escape danger,
what if you noticed that desire to escape and then said, oh,
I have an instinct to escape.
(07:24):
That's really revealing to me. That's a clue.
My nervous system is feeling overwhelmed.
The goal eventually is to get you to the place where you can then say,
and I know some things I can do to take care of my nervous system.
So when my system gives me the clue that I'm overwhelmed, I've listened to the
(07:48):
clue, and I respond with some strategies that empower me to take care of myself.
So when you receive these clues, pay attention to what has been happening in the recent past.
Things that may have contributed to the drain on your system.
(08:09):
So various things can be draining.
And these are even sometimes things that we love, that we get excited about.
Experiences that get our adrenaline up can be draining to our system overall,
whether they feel like anxious experiences or exciting experiences that we're anticipating.
(08:33):
When our system is drained, then we need to recharge and center again.
What do I mean by things that drain the system.
So think about things like a transition.
This could include graduating from high school, changing jobs,
(08:54):
retiring, moving to a new house.
Consider being in a complex or unpredictable environment.
So that might look like taking your child to preschool gymnastics class,
working in an environment with really quickly changing priorities.
You might want to look to see if there are high adrenaline situations going on in your life.
(09:20):
For example, maybe you and a friend went to Comic-Con in a large city for this
event that you're very excited about that's related to your special interest. So a large convention.
Maybe you're at a holiday celebration or maybe you've gotten to see a performance
(09:40):
related to your special interest performer.
Those are high adrenaline situations.
Maybe you've had physical drain, so maybe you're not feeling well,
you haven't slept well, you've got pain, maybe you're hungry,
dehydrated, you're too warm or too cold.
You may have recently experienced relationship ups and downs,
(10:04):
so high emotions, whether positive or painful,
or maybe feedback at work, a misunderstanding with a friend,
or maybe you've been in a new environment lately.
Even if a new environment is comfortable, like you want a trip to a luxury resort,
it's not the environment itself that your nervous system is drained by,
(10:30):
but just the fact that it's not your typical environment.
This isn't your bed. This isn't your food.
These kind of things may be draining to your nervous system and put you closer
to that place where you're tipping into being dysregulated.
(10:52):
So these are circumstances to be aware of as you become a detective about your system.
What are you experiencing? What does your nervous system need from you.
The reactions are yours. So although I'm offering some generalizations,
the goal is for you to have increased awareness of how your system responds to daily life.
(11:20):
How your system is doing is likely to change over time, depending on multiple
factors like hormone changes, aging, and many other things.
So being as aware as possible will benefit you when it comes to caring for your
nervous system now and in the future as you notice shifts and changes.
(11:42):
One of the things that I find actually really valuable is to make a list of
draining and filling things that your nervous system responds to.
So you can have a column on the left of a page that says draining and a column
on the right that says filling.
So when we're in the midst of daily life, it's often tough to just expect that
(12:07):
we can stay aware or always be in tune with what's draining or filling us.
But when we do have moments of regulation or dysregulation,
consider making a note in your phone or computer or notebook,
this goes in the draining column, this goes in the filling column.
(12:28):
One of the striking things that happens is that we can see with our own eyes
how many things our nervous system has experienced lately that fall in the draining column.
And then we can look at the filling column. That's the column of things that
help fill us up so we don't feel so depleted.
(12:51):
And see if there's been a balance of what's been hard on our nervous system
and what's been really soothing and comforting and filling.
Many times the draining column really tips the scale.
And unless we're actively watching that balance, we can all of a sudden become dysregulated.
(13:13):
So this is part of your personal power, not only the awareness of what's been
draining or filling for you, but also taking action to balance what your system is processing.
Today's episode is going to focus on ways to reduce the amount of drain that
(13:34):
your system is dealing with on a day-to-day basis.
So one way to balance what your system is handling is to reduce drain.
And another way is to increase things that are soothing and comforting and filling.
But today's episode will focus on that first thing. So reducing the drain on your resilience.
(13:58):
I'm going to talk specifically about three approaches.
One is to take away drain in your daily life that really doesn't have a high level of importance.
So what does that mean? Well, there may be things that drain your system that
(14:19):
in the end aren't of a hugely high priority. Would it be nice if these things happened?
Possibly, but they may not be that thing that you want to use some of your resilience on.
So for example, it may drain you to use toothpaste A, so maybe you switch to
(14:43):
toothpaste B, or maybe you just settle on using a mouth rinse.
Calling a doctor's office may
be draining so that you use the email through the
medical record instead although your
diet doesn't include a lot of variety your labs
are normal your body seems to be getting enough vital nutrients so maybe you
(15:06):
don't focus on the expectation that you should eat eat broccoli or fruit or
other varieties of food if that would really cost your system a lot.
You may make the decision on whether to release an expectation that causes drain
by asking yourself, do I want to use up some of my resilience for this particular goal?
(15:32):
In other words, this goal would cost you, and if you're budgeting your resilience, your wellness,
do you have enough in savings to cover the cost of this activity?
So only you will know as your awareness increases what that's going to cost
(15:58):
you and how much resilience maybe you you have saved up.
And there will be a point where, yes, it may be nice if you could,
you know, get through certain things or shift something.
But really, in the big scheme of things, you don't want to use some of your
resilience on this particular activity.
(16:21):
In addition to prioritizing what you spend your resilience on,
think about also budgeting for how much you spend on the good stuff.
So this last one we talked about was budgeting how much you're using for things that don't matter.
And this one is how much you spend on the good stuff.
(16:44):
So one characteristic of autistic neurology is that it leans toward being all in.
Or all out with topics or activities. And this means that especially if you're
someone who has a special interest,
you might load your schedule with this interest or activity without realizing
(17:06):
that it actually does cost you something.
So this may happen month after month, year after year, semester after semester,
Christmas after Christmas, that when you're faced again with a choice of how to pack your schedule,
your nervous system is still going to lean toward really grabbing a lot of that special interest,
(17:33):
even if clues from the last season told you, man, that was too much.
Let me give you an example. Let's take the example of a college student who
really had a tough semester.
They were melting down. They were unable to attend class regularly.
(17:54):
They struggled to catch up and indeed had to drop a class and also get special
permission to turn certain things in late.
They even ended up in the emergency department on one occasion for this really
acute anxiety and panic.
But when it comes to signing up for the next semester, they go right back to
(18:18):
that, oh, I want to take this class. This is going to be really interesting.
And when someone says, wait a minute, weren't you really too overloaded with
this many credits last semester? they may say, well, yes, but it'll be okay
because I'm really interested in this class.
(18:38):
I wasn't as interested in the last class, but in reality, this is kind of a
repeat of what they were faced with the previous semester.
This person may need cues from outside of themselves to rein their plans in a little bit.
Again, maybe a partner has agreed to cue them or a friend, maybe a counselor.
(19:02):
A parent, sometimes just having them write in their own journal,
you know, a note to my future self.
When you think that you are going to really have fun with this many college
credits, think again, because this is what the middle of the semester feels like.
So the cost, even though it's very interesting stuff, the cost to the nervous
(19:27):
system can be actually quite high because they're increasing some demand,
some intensity of their pace.
And the goal is to budget your resilience, even if it's how much do I spend on the good stuff.
(19:51):
The student may wish to take fewer classes, but they also may wish to take fewer
advanced classes, for example.
So one strategy would be for the college student to cut down from 18 to 15 credits or 15 to 12 credits,
or they could switch their advanced math class to a basic math class because
(20:16):
that meets the criteria. They're not a math major.
And really that's going to be sufficient, then they've saved some resilience for something else.
Even if they're capable of taking advanced math from an intellectual and academic
perspective, are they budgeting their resilience well?
(20:37):
What does their nervous system need? The only question to be considered can't
be, you know, can they academically pull that off?
Of course, they They very well may be able to, but they have to budget the intensity
that they're going to be feeling,
the cost of that on their nervous system, and how much resilience they want
(21:01):
to give to that when not all of that is required.
You could also think about reducing involvement in an event.
So it's Christmas dinner. I do want to celebrate the holidays,
but it's going to be very draining for me to hang out for an entire day.
(21:21):
So maybe the person decides to come for Christmas dinner or only to come to
exchange gifts with close family,
and then to know that they're going to have to leave and have alone time once that's finished.
The third thing that I would recommend is pacing some of the difficult things.
(21:46):
So although procrastination often lures us into putting off some hard stuff,
that means that we We have to give everything we have at the very last minute
in a huge push to get through what needs to be done anyway.
If we have to drain ourselves completely, we either end up very dysregulated
(22:09):
or we decide we aren't going to do any of this task because it's just going
to cost us too much to be drained out, emptied out, you know.
And because the autistic nervous system leans toward being all in or out,
it can be doubly difficult to break a large task down into smaller tasks.
(22:32):
And I have some clients who note that they just can't start cleaning the basement
because to them, they want to work until it's finished.
I'm either cleaning the basement or I haven't cleaned it, but I don't want to
halfway clean it. And therefore I can't start because I can't do the whole thing right now.
(22:54):
Rather than finishing a piece of something and then leaving other pieces for
later, that just feels wrong to the nervous system.
But when we're talking about how to reduce strain and budget our resilience,
it often does help to do bits of hard things at a time and to balance that with
(23:17):
being filled up with other things, being soothed or comforted or energized.
So if we are budgeting our energy and our resilience, it may be like a payment plan.
You know, rather than paying for a new roof all at once, we realize this is going to cost me.
(23:38):
I'm going to see if I can make installment payments, so a little bit over time.
The same Same is true for our resilience.
So it would really cost me to do this project all in one day.
So I'm going to break up a large school or work project into smaller pieces
(24:01):
so that if I do have a cost,
a drain associated with getting stuff done for this project,
it's a drain that I can afford in these small pieces.
Maybe it's getting our taxes done or cleaning out the garage or planning a wedding.
(24:22):
One approach to pacing may be to say, I don't have to do the whole project.
I'm just going to work for 20 minutes on this task today.
Or I'm going to read 25 pages of this book every day so I can get it done by the due date.
The person tackling a cleaning project or planning a celebration like a graduation party may say,
(24:46):
I'm just going to focus on this corner of the garage today, or I just need to
look at invitations today and that is it.
This is reminiscent of something called the Pomodoro technique when studying.
It's this technique where you set a timer for about 20 minutes or so,
(25:07):
and you work intently on studying or working on the material for that period of time.
But then, even if, you know, you've gotten some type of momentum,
you take a break when the timer goes off, and the break is also time-limited.
In, you do something completely different, like walking around the block or
(25:30):
swinging or playing with the
dog, and then you jump back in when the timer for the break is finished.
So you're doing these sprints rather than trying to do a marathon all at once.
So the pace helps balance the draining and the filling.
(25:51):
Another approach to pacing is sometimes called eat your frogs first.
And I'm not sure where the saying originated and apologies for those who love
eating frogs, but it symbolizes a commitment to doing the hard things first.
And this helps some people get stuff done.
So in our examples, it may mean that someone cleans the bathroom before they go out with friends.
(26:16):
Now, Now, this doesn't work for everyone.
Some people do really productive things in the evening.
They're kind of a night owl, and they really don't feel productive enough in
the morning to tackle something, quote, first.
For them, setting aside hard work may come easier later in the day.
So you can see that all of this is relative to how your nervous system works
(26:42):
and the choices that you make to take care of your own system,
and that's where your power and your strength lies.
So let's review what we've discussed in this episode.
Life takes a toll on us, and that's for a variety of reasons.
And the autistic may feel this toll more acutely, at least during some life seasons.
(27:07):
A pattern may emerge that to escape the cost of living and the drain that is part of that process,
the individual might withdraw and they might try to avoid any cost at all.
So that is, I have nothing left over to give.
(27:29):
Over the long term, this leads to a very small life and the loss of knowing
your own power and gifts.
So another approach is to become more aware of what is filling versus draining
for your nervous system and then to start budgeting this.
(27:52):
And today we talked about reducing the cost of life.
So that's monitoring and reducing what is draining in the nervous system,
things that you do have some amount of control over, knowing that there will,
in any budget, be things that cost you that are unplanned.
(28:13):
So you want to save in budget and pace yourself. self.
The next episode of the podcast will focus on increasing those things that strengthen
our resilience, the things that fill us up, you know, that give us more in our
bank account that we're budgeting.
When we're actively engaged in balancing the drain and the fill for our nervous
(28:37):
systems, we can really use our strength and choices to engage in life in a way that feels
more satisfying and more meaningful.
Before I sign off today, I encourage you to check out the resources at my website,
adultandgeriatricautism.com.
(28:57):
I have a new course for parents of autistic individuals and many other resources
for the autistic, for family members and couples navigating life on the spectrum.
Music.
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