July 28, 2024 • 26 mins
Dr. Regan begins a new series about the lifespan of a relationship and/or household. This first episode focuses on dating relationships. The episode provides practical insights and strategies to help you make informed and intentional choices in your relationships, ensuring they are fulfilling and sustainable for both partners.
Dr. Regan's Resources:
Zur Institute courses for clinicians
Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed
Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors
Autism in the Adult website homepage
Website Resources for Clinicians
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:08):
And you are joining me for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.
As a neuropsychologist and a certified autism specialist, I am here to translate
the language of neurology into everyday examples that empower you to make choices
that fit your nervous system.
And I've decided to tackle a topic request from a few different listeners that
(00:32):
is wonderful and meaningful and so important, but also huge and complex,
and in a way it feels daunting.
So this series will be a generational or lifespan view of a neurodiverse household.
So for example, today's first episode will start with dating or partnering relationships
(00:56):
in whatever form that may take, and then we'll move through other stages in the life of a household,
such as a couple living living together,
having children or other people join the household, and retirement and aging households.
As you can imagine, we could have an infinite number of episodes on dating alone
(01:17):
or any one of these stages of the household.
But for the purposes of this series, we'll focus on one episode and some key points for each.
I think one of the themes that is helpful when we're increasing our awareness
of how we're wired and what makes us tick is to remember to think outside of the box.
(01:41):
So many times we wonder, how can I make my life look like the lives of people around me?
And really the better question might be, what kind of life really fits me well?
So thinking outside of the box when it comes to what dating looks like for you
might be really beneficial.
(02:02):
What are some core foundational things that are important to you in a dating
relationship and what things are more flexible or optional?
These are nice decisions to make after you've had some increased self-awareness
and you thought, oh, I really do best with this, or this type of thing fits
(02:23):
me well, and this kind of thing really doesn't.
We can use self-awareness and the information that we have to make decisions
about who we connect with and spend time with,
especially in relationships that we want to last a long time.
(02:45):
So one of the things to think about first might be what fills me up in a relationship
and what kind of connection really suits me well.
Many autistic individuals like connecting with a partner who shares their interests
and their hobbies, and many people make initial connections with others through similar interests.
(03:08):
Now, the neurotypical individual may then have a small group of people that
they really end up sticking with over long periods of time,
and maybe it becomes about a lot more than the shared interests.
So it might involve hanging out or doing life together?
(03:29):
You know, how are things in your house doing? How are things in your relationships doing?
So there may be friendships where they're kind of just sharing their lives together
that started off about a shared interest.
They may say, when I spend time with these friends, it's because I want to connect
(03:50):
with the person, not necessarily the activity or task that they're are doing.
So it's really about the person and the relationship and the social connection.
And it may be, although this is a generalization, that the preference of the
autistic individual may be somewhat different.
(04:10):
So they may realize that they really love connecting with people who share interests
and hobbies and then continuing to connect over these interests.
Interests so the majority of their
friendships may revolve around their D&D
group or in a civil war reenactment group or some historical battles group so
(04:38):
these are my friends because they're in the group because we share this interest
and yes I want to know that they're doing well I want them to be good in their life.
But what I like the most is sharing my interest with other people.
And these people get it. You know, they're my tribe about this interest.
(05:00):
We talk the same language. We like the same things. We do the same things.
And that is a really nice type of connection for me.
Neither one of these approaches to connection is all good or all bad.
We aren't supposed to all have the same relational needs or preferences.
But when we're deciding to find a romantic dating or life partner,
(05:26):
we should really keep in mind what kinds of relationships we find inherently
satisfying and what kinds really are sustainable for us over a long period of time.
Because these are relationships that tend to have a goal for long-term connection,
compatibility in real core ways of connecting is super important.
(05:52):
Another thing to ask is, what does connecting time mean to me?
What if I wanted to spend time with my partner? What kind of things might I enjoy doing?
And is it compatible with what they enjoy and what they need?
To a neurotypical individual, they may want connection with their dating partner
(06:17):
to be around fun topics or events, but may also want time set aside regularly
to emotionally connect.
So this might look like having a conversation for hours about each person's life history,
what things they value, what experiences they remember fondly or don't want
(06:40):
to remember, maybe more difficult life experiences.
And this is a desire that continues across the lifespan of their relationship,
not just the first few months or the first year.
So they may really want a partner who's going to want to look each other in
(07:02):
the eyes and share their inner worlds, their thoughts and their feelings on
at least a semi-regular basis.
Now, the autistic individual may be less likely to seek this type of exchange,
at least over the long term of the relationship.
So to an autistic individual, together time might be playing a video game together
(07:27):
or sitting next to each other in the same room while one person reads and the
other person and watches YouTube videos,
a together night out may be really satisfying if the couple goes to a political
rally or learn salsa dancing.
In other words, their idea of a satisfying night together may contain less eye
(07:51):
contact, less sharing of emotions, thoughts, and dreams.
And so figuring Figuring out what
fits you, again, in the long term with a partner can really be helpful.
It can inform your decision about who you may want to start connecting with.
(08:12):
Again, neither approach is all good or all bad.
It's the awareness of what is satisfying to you and how that matches what the
other person needs and finds satisfying.
Are these things compatible between the two of you?
(08:33):
You and I know that when a couple is initially dating and they're both on their
best behavior, there's a high likelihood that one,
Every couple will start off with some sharing and some eye gazing.
So even the autistic individual is likely to be enraptured in that initial stage with their new partner.
(08:56):
They've never heard their life story before. They're captivated by this person.
So think about what kind of connection is meaningful and satisfying and sustainable
for you and your partner.
Every partnership will involve sacrifice for the other person.
That's part of a mutual relationship. But at the same time, you don't want to
(09:22):
sacrifice foundational things that you really need over a long, long period of time.
So things like alone time, how much do I need?
How much what social time does my partner need?
Do I like to go to concerts or boat rides or gaze in each other's eyes?
What is important to you and to your potential partner in the long term?
(09:49):
So number one is use your self-awareness to think about core things that you
need in a long-term relationship, even if it is outside the box.
It's important to match long-term preferences with how you are wired and how your partner is wired.
And with that self-awareness, you can even talk directly to the other person
(10:14):
and say, you know, I've learned this about myself.
I really do best when I have this kind of rhythm or space. And what is it that you need?
Also, look at similarities and differences.
Now, there can always be this debate about who does best, the couples who are
(10:35):
really similar to each other or who are different, so they offset and balance each other.
What couples do the best?
Well, there's no easy or right answer to that question, but it is generally
important to have similarities in core areas.
What is the most important thing to you as a person?
(10:58):
Maybe it's your physical activity level and your love of the outdoors.
Maybe it's your political belief or your faith.
These may be things that your partner really should meet you pretty closely
in because these are huge things in your life.
They're very important to you. You spend a lot of time on them.
(11:19):
You enjoy them. You're interested in them.
Another core thing can be how much alone time do you need?
Is it okay that the other person is hot-headed when they get upset and you tend
to shut down and withdraw? How does that work out?
But as we said, differences can also balance each other out as well.
(11:41):
So he may be the one who loves doing laundry.
Maybe I'm the one who gets out the the tools and fixes things that break down in the house.
So there's a balance and the couple is balanced in that way and that it feels
good over the long term and it works.
Perhaps she is more social than I am, but not in the extreme.
(12:04):
So we help balance each other out in a good way. We help each other push our comfort boundaries.
Also, we find that there are core foundational ways that we agree and need the same things.
Now, some autistic individuals prefer to be coupled with another autistic,
(12:27):
and some autistic individuals feel that they really balance well with a non-autistic individual.
So there's not one magic formula.
It's a lot about self-awareness, how to interpret what will be needed in the
long term, and making some aware and intentional life choices.
(12:47):
The third thing I want to talk about is that many neurodiverse couples,
whether the couple includes two autistic individuals or an autistic and non-autistic,
they will say to me, but when we were dating,
my partner was extremely attentive to my emotional needs.
And now, now that we live together or now that we have kids or now that we're
(13:12):
empty nesters, they aren't at all attentive.
And I'm just not getting my needs met for having deep conversations and our
emotions and our life dreams. We're just not sharing those things.
So there are various reasons why this can happen, and it's actually really common.
So as we know, if we think back or we're in dating relationships now,
(13:37):
particularly if they don't last that long, let's say six to nine months,
they can be largely scripted and look pretty storybook lovely on the inside and the outside. side.
And one woman said to me, he would open the doors for me and bring me flowers for no reason.
And he took me to dinner and was the best listener because he let me do all the talking.
(14:04):
So at least in the United States, there is a kind of script for how a good dating
relationship might look.
And the script may vary from person to person, but generally someone might want
a date who is courteous or has nice manners or takes them to dinner or buys flowers.
(14:25):
Now, again, this is a very individual kind of preference, but also there's a
general cultural script.
And this kind of scripted role, sometimes the autistic will feel like a scripted role feels good.
Like, yeah, I can navigate the relationship in this role because I understand what the date role is.
(14:50):
And so it can be quite comforting and successful for the individual to know,
okay, I am courting this person, I am dating this person, and what does a date typically look like?
So again, especially if the dating relationship doesn't last super long where that kind of calms down,
(15:12):
you can see that the script and role of dating can help any individual really
kind of fit nicely into that rhythm.
So being in the stage of a relationship where there's an identified role and
one can fit into and play it out, not to say that that's not sincere.
(15:36):
I'm sure that it typically is, but there may be less intuition required,
less spontaneity than in the long term.
You know, that the long-term relationship, we can't rely as much on understanding
what our role is in each situation.
In addition to the dating relationship being a bit scripted,
(16:00):
particularly in the beginning,
another reason that the relationship can start out this way is that the new
partner can become the special interest for the autistic individual.
So I'm fascinated by you. You're smart and you're handsome or you're beautiful
and I've never heard all your stories before. for. Tell me all of your stories.
(16:23):
And yes, I am a great listener because I find it hard to know when to join the
conversation, but I'm just captivated by you and I could listen to your stories all day.
So this can set up, again, that yes, you are my special interest and I am very
(16:44):
interested in you and I want to hear all about you.
Another point for consideration is this dating dynamic.
It's new and it's wonderful to both individuals.
So there's more attention paid in a dating relationship than there later will be.
And that's as it should be. You know, we can't sit and gaze at each other for our whole lifetime.
(17:10):
That kind of attentive and fascinated partner isn't really meant to last 100%
of the time over years and years into infinity.
So there comes a time when the autistic partner may say, why would I listen to that story again?
I already know it, or you've told that before.
(17:30):
Or why would we go to your friend's house when it's Thursday night?
On Thursday night, we watch the Nature Channel, we eat cherry pie.
And why in the world would your friend's house us be better than that.
So there's no real purpose to it.
So if all of our stories have been told and the autistic individual isn't necessarily
(17:52):
wanting to gaze into their partner's eyes and share thoughts and feelings,
there can be kind of a stuck feeling about where did our meaningful conversations go?
And it can have to do with this stage from dating to longer term where if the
(18:13):
partner is really wanting the meaningful eye gazing to continue more than the autistic partner,
there can be some tension or stress in the relationship related to this.
Remember this, in a dating relationship, there is not a lot of social multitasking required.
(18:34):
It's often you and the other person.
And maybe you visit family members once in a while or go go to a friend's house,
but the social demand in the household or when you are together often,
although not always, involves two people.
Another thing that can really tax a neurodiverse partnership is the growing of the household.
(19:01):
So whether that includes children or roommates or extended family, in-laws, siblings,
the social demands across time go from this one-on-one relationship with a lot
of kind of together and protected time to interpersonal demands of a more chaotic household.
(19:25):
And that demand for social multitasking can really exceed what the autistic
individual is able to attend to on a regular basis.
So if there's one person that the autistic individual is attending to,
let's say a woman is attending to her partner.
(19:49):
And that worked out successfully. But now there are four kids in the home and two dogs.
And the autistic person comes home and everyone there, even the animals,
have needs that need to be met.
And they want her attention. They want her help.
Everyone has different age groups that they fit in, different states of emotion,
(20:15):
different levels of fatigue.
And not only can the autistic individual not quite figure out what their role
is, remember how we talked about the dating role can be somewhat straightforward.
You know, what's my role in this multi-dimensional household that's always changing?
(20:37):
What's my role in this household tonight?
And they may actually need a lot of alone time just to regroup from their own work day.
And the way they used to attend to
their partner was to have alone time after work and
then connecting time with that one person so
(20:57):
side by side on the couch watching Star Trek
the demand is much higher and the
role is much murkier and more unclear and it's really difficult to manage their
own nervous system well so that they feel centered enough to attend to this
(21:18):
kind of always changing relational environment.
So sometimes that's why there can be some shifts after the beginning of the dating relationship,
and that's why it is so helpful to have some self-awareness as you're making
choices in a partner, saying to yourself, I need alone time.
(21:41):
I need time with my special interests.
And to be able to say to a potential partner, what do you need?
So that an individual isn't matched with someone who in the long term,
not just the dating relationship, but in the long term ends up having much different
(22:02):
needs, strengths, and challenges.
And this brings up the point of the length of the dating relationship.
This is an interesting thing because when people find the one,
they feel this ardent desire sometimes
to be with them all the time and to start their lives right away.
(22:24):
And for the autistic who perhaps struggles with situations that feel undefined,
they're are not quite sure how this relationship is going to work out.
There's no clear outcome.
Where is this heading? Is it going to work? Is it not going to work?
The dating relationship by definition feels uncertain.
(22:47):
So sometimes the autistic individual may wish to define the relationship.
And this can happen either by cutting it off because the uncertainty is really
uncomfortable, not because the relationship itself doesn't feel good,
or by cementing it. So let's get married.
(23:10):
So the ability to stay in an uncertain relationship, to see how it works out over a few years,
it's really strenuous, particularly for someone whose wiring is really insistent
that that something predictable happens next.
(23:31):
When it's possible, it's actually really nice to learn some strategies to live
in this ambiguity and to let it be incompletely defined.
Yeah, I don't know what will happen, quote, in the end.
The reason is that the journey together through that initial courtship can really
(23:53):
help give both partners revelation about how they fit in the longer term.
So you've already heard my stories.
You brought me flowers, you laughed at my jokes. How are we doing in the longer term?
It's easy to be a successful couple when everyone's on their best behavior.
(24:13):
But how do you do when you fight about something and how does that go?
And what do you do with this person when it comes to conflict resolution or
are you able to negotiate together or repair your relationship?
And can this person do difficult things well?
(24:34):
So if you want to pick a great partner, it's nice to pick someone funny or nice
looking, someone that shares your interests.
But in the end, you're going to want someone who who can do tough things well with you.
And the way you get to see this is by allowing an undefined relationship,
(24:56):
so a dating partnership to last over time, so that you actually go through things in life together.
People aren't on their best behavior anymore.
You're not necessarily laughing at each other's jokes all the time anymore.
And you get to see what that longer term may actually feel like.
(25:18):
So the things I've shared with you today are based on my experiences of getting
to listen to the autistic client's experience in relationships,
dating relationships, partnering, and
what they look back on over time as they've been in a long-term relationship
(25:39):
look back at the dating relationship and kind of process the shifts and what
has worked well and what they may have wanted to do a bit differently.
(26:04):
Music.
Music.
(00:08):
And you are joining me for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.
As a neuropsychologist and a certified autism specialist, I am here to translate
the language of neurology into everyday examples that empower you to make choices
that fit your nervous system.
And I've decided to tackle a topic request from a few different listeners that
(00:32):
is wonderful and meaningful and so important, but also huge and complex,
and in a way it feels daunting.
So this series will be a generational or lifespan view of a neurodiverse household.
So for example, today's first episode will start with dating or partnering relationships
(00:56):
in whatever form that may take, and then we'll move through other stages in the life of a household,
such as a couple living living together,
having children or other people join the household, and retirement and aging households.
As you can imagine, we could have an infinite number of episodes on dating alone
(01:17):
or any one of these stages of the household.
But for the purposes of this series, we'll focus on one episode and some key points for each.
I think one of the themes that is helpful when we're increasing our awareness
of how we're wired and what makes us tick is to remember to think outside of the box.
(01:41):
So many times we wonder, how can I make my life look like the lives of people around me?
And really the better question might be, what kind of life really fits me well?
So thinking outside of the box when it comes to what dating looks like for you
might be really beneficial.
(02:02):
What are some core foundational things that are important to you in a dating
relationship and what things are more flexible or optional?
These are nice decisions to make after you've had some increased self-awareness
and you thought, oh, I really do best with this, or this type of thing fits
(02:23):
me well, and this kind of thing really doesn't.
We can use self-awareness and the information that we have to make decisions
about who we connect with and spend time with,
especially in relationships that we want to last a long time.
(02:45):
So one of the things to think about first might be what fills me up in a relationship
and what kind of connection really suits me well.
Many autistic individuals like connecting with a partner who shares their interests
and their hobbies, and many people make initial connections with others through similar interests.
(03:08):
Now, the neurotypical individual may then have a small group of people that
they really end up sticking with over long periods of time,
and maybe it becomes about a lot more than the shared interests.
So it might involve hanging out or doing life together?
(03:29):
You know, how are things in your house doing? How are things in your relationships doing?
So there may be friendships where they're kind of just sharing their lives together
that started off about a shared interest.
They may say, when I spend time with these friends, it's because I want to connect
(03:50):
with the person, not necessarily the activity or task that they're are doing.
So it's really about the person and the relationship and the social connection.
And it may be, although this is a generalization, that the preference of the
autistic individual may be somewhat different.
(04:10):
So they may realize that they really love connecting with people who share interests
and hobbies and then continuing to connect over these interests.
Interests so the majority of their
friendships may revolve around their D&D
group or in a civil war reenactment group or some historical battles group so
(04:38):
these are my friends because they're in the group because we share this interest
and yes I want to know that they're doing well I want them to be good in their life.
But what I like the most is sharing my interest with other people.
And these people get it. You know, they're my tribe about this interest.
(05:00):
We talk the same language. We like the same things. We do the same things.
And that is a really nice type of connection for me.
Neither one of these approaches to connection is all good or all bad.
We aren't supposed to all have the same relational needs or preferences.
But when we're deciding to find a romantic dating or life partner,
(05:26):
we should really keep in mind what kinds of relationships we find inherently
satisfying and what kinds really are sustainable for us over a long period of time.
Because these are relationships that tend to have a goal for long-term connection,
compatibility in real core ways of connecting is super important.
(05:52):
Another thing to ask is, what does connecting time mean to me?
What if I wanted to spend time with my partner? What kind of things might I enjoy doing?
And is it compatible with what they enjoy and what they need?
To a neurotypical individual, they may want connection with their dating partner
(06:17):
to be around fun topics or events, but may also want time set aside regularly
to emotionally connect.
So this might look like having a conversation for hours about each person's life history,
what things they value, what experiences they remember fondly or don't want
(06:40):
to remember, maybe more difficult life experiences.
And this is a desire that continues across the lifespan of their relationship,
not just the first few months or the first year.
So they may really want a partner who's going to want to look each other in
(07:02):
the eyes and share their inner worlds, their thoughts and their feelings on
at least a semi-regular basis.
Now, the autistic individual may be less likely to seek this type of exchange,
at least over the long term of the relationship.
So to an autistic individual, together time might be playing a video game together
(07:27):
or sitting next to each other in the same room while one person reads and the
other person and watches YouTube videos,
a together night out may be really satisfying if the couple goes to a political
rally or learn salsa dancing.
In other words, their idea of a satisfying night together may contain less eye
(07:51):
contact, less sharing of emotions, thoughts, and dreams.
And so figuring Figuring out what
fits you, again, in the long term with a partner can really be helpful.
It can inform your decision about who you may want to start connecting with.
(08:12):
Again, neither approach is all good or all bad.
It's the awareness of what is satisfying to you and how that matches what the
other person needs and finds satisfying.
Are these things compatible between the two of you?
(08:33):
You and I know that when a couple is initially dating and they're both on their
best behavior, there's a high likelihood that one,
Every couple will start off with some sharing and some eye gazing.
So even the autistic individual is likely to be enraptured in that initial stage with their new partner.
(08:56):
They've never heard their life story before. They're captivated by this person.
So think about what kind of connection is meaningful and satisfying and sustainable
for you and your partner.
Every partnership will involve sacrifice for the other person.
That's part of a mutual relationship. But at the same time, you don't want to
(09:22):
sacrifice foundational things that you really need over a long, long period of time.
So things like alone time, how much do I need?
How much what social time does my partner need?
Do I like to go to concerts or boat rides or gaze in each other's eyes?
What is important to you and to your potential partner in the long term?
(09:49):
So number one is use your self-awareness to think about core things that you
need in a long-term relationship, even if it is outside the box.
It's important to match long-term preferences with how you are wired and how your partner is wired.
And with that self-awareness, you can even talk directly to the other person
(10:14):
and say, you know, I've learned this about myself.
I really do best when I have this kind of rhythm or space. And what is it that you need?
Also, look at similarities and differences.
Now, there can always be this debate about who does best, the couples who are
(10:35):
really similar to each other or who are different, so they offset and balance each other.
What couples do the best?
Well, there's no easy or right answer to that question, but it is generally
important to have similarities in core areas.
What is the most important thing to you as a person?
(10:58):
Maybe it's your physical activity level and your love of the outdoors.
Maybe it's your political belief or your faith.
These may be things that your partner really should meet you pretty closely
in because these are huge things in your life.
They're very important to you. You spend a lot of time on them.
(11:19):
You enjoy them. You're interested in them.
Another core thing can be how much alone time do you need?
Is it okay that the other person is hot-headed when they get upset and you tend
to shut down and withdraw? How does that work out?
But as we said, differences can also balance each other out as well.
(11:41):
So he may be the one who loves doing laundry.
Maybe I'm the one who gets out the the tools and fixes things that break down in the house.
So there's a balance and the couple is balanced in that way and that it feels
good over the long term and it works.
Perhaps she is more social than I am, but not in the extreme.
(12:04):
So we help balance each other out in a good way. We help each other push our comfort boundaries.
Also, we find that there are core foundational ways that we agree and need the same things.
Now, some autistic individuals prefer to be coupled with another autistic,
(12:27):
and some autistic individuals feel that they really balance well with a non-autistic individual.
So there's not one magic formula.
It's a lot about self-awareness, how to interpret what will be needed in the
long term, and making some aware and intentional life choices.
(12:47):
The third thing I want to talk about is that many neurodiverse couples,
whether the couple includes two autistic individuals or an autistic and non-autistic,
they will say to me, but when we were dating,
my partner was extremely attentive to my emotional needs.
And now, now that we live together or now that we have kids or now that we're
(13:12):
empty nesters, they aren't at all attentive.
And I'm just not getting my needs met for having deep conversations and our
emotions and our life dreams. We're just not sharing those things.
So there are various reasons why this can happen, and it's actually really common.
So as we know, if we think back or we're in dating relationships now,
(13:37):
particularly if they don't last that long, let's say six to nine months,
they can be largely scripted and look pretty storybook lovely on the inside and the outside. side.
And one woman said to me, he would open the doors for me and bring me flowers for no reason.
And he took me to dinner and was the best listener because he let me do all the talking.
(14:04):
So at least in the United States, there is a kind of script for how a good dating
relationship might look.
And the script may vary from person to person, but generally someone might want
a date who is courteous or has nice manners or takes them to dinner or buys flowers.
(14:25):
Now, again, this is a very individual kind of preference, but also there's a
general cultural script.
And this kind of scripted role, sometimes the autistic will feel like a scripted role feels good.
Like, yeah, I can navigate the relationship in this role because I understand what the date role is.
(14:50):
And so it can be quite comforting and successful for the individual to know,
okay, I am courting this person, I am dating this person, and what does a date typically look like?
So again, especially if the dating relationship doesn't last super long where that kind of calms down,
(15:12):
you can see that the script and role of dating can help any individual really
kind of fit nicely into that rhythm.
So being in the stage of a relationship where there's an identified role and
one can fit into and play it out, not to say that that's not sincere.
(15:36):
I'm sure that it typically is, but there may be less intuition required,
less spontaneity than in the long term.
You know, that the long-term relationship, we can't rely as much on understanding
what our role is in each situation.
In addition to the dating relationship being a bit scripted,
(16:00):
particularly in the beginning,
another reason that the relationship can start out this way is that the new
partner can become the special interest for the autistic individual.
So I'm fascinated by you. You're smart and you're handsome or you're beautiful
and I've never heard all your stories before. for. Tell me all of your stories.
(16:23):
And yes, I am a great listener because I find it hard to know when to join the
conversation, but I'm just captivated by you and I could listen to your stories all day.
So this can set up, again, that yes, you are my special interest and I am very
(16:44):
interested in you and I want to hear all about you.
Another point for consideration is this dating dynamic.
It's new and it's wonderful to both individuals.
So there's more attention paid in a dating relationship than there later will be.
And that's as it should be. You know, we can't sit and gaze at each other for our whole lifetime.
(17:10):
That kind of attentive and fascinated partner isn't really meant to last 100%
of the time over years and years into infinity.
So there comes a time when the autistic partner may say, why would I listen to that story again?
I already know it, or you've told that before.
(17:30):
Or why would we go to your friend's house when it's Thursday night?
On Thursday night, we watch the Nature Channel, we eat cherry pie.
And why in the world would your friend's house us be better than that.
So there's no real purpose to it.
So if all of our stories have been told and the autistic individual isn't necessarily
(17:52):
wanting to gaze into their partner's eyes and share thoughts and feelings,
there can be kind of a stuck feeling about where did our meaningful conversations go?
And it can have to do with this stage from dating to longer term where if the
(18:13):
partner is really wanting the meaningful eye gazing to continue more than the autistic partner,
there can be some tension or stress in the relationship related to this.
Remember this, in a dating relationship, there is not a lot of social multitasking required.
(18:34):
It's often you and the other person.
And maybe you visit family members once in a while or go go to a friend's house,
but the social demand in the household or when you are together often,
although not always, involves two people.
Another thing that can really tax a neurodiverse partnership is the growing of the household.
(19:01):
So whether that includes children or roommates or extended family, in-laws, siblings,
the social demands across time go from this one-on-one relationship with a lot
of kind of together and protected time to interpersonal demands of a more chaotic household.
(19:25):
And that demand for social multitasking can really exceed what the autistic
individual is able to attend to on a regular basis.
So if there's one person that the autistic individual is attending to,
let's say a woman is attending to her partner.
(19:49):
And that worked out successfully. But now there are four kids in the home and two dogs.
And the autistic person comes home and everyone there, even the animals,
have needs that need to be met.
And they want her attention. They want her help.
Everyone has different age groups that they fit in, different states of emotion,
(20:15):
different levels of fatigue.
And not only can the autistic individual not quite figure out what their role
is, remember how we talked about the dating role can be somewhat straightforward.
You know, what's my role in this multi-dimensional household that's always changing?
(20:37):
What's my role in this household tonight?
And they may actually need a lot of alone time just to regroup from their own work day.
And the way they used to attend to
their partner was to have alone time after work and
then connecting time with that one person so
(20:57):
side by side on the couch watching Star Trek
the demand is much higher and the
role is much murkier and more unclear and it's really difficult to manage their
own nervous system well so that they feel centered enough to attend to this
(21:18):
kind of always changing relational environment.
So sometimes that's why there can be some shifts after the beginning of the dating relationship,
and that's why it is so helpful to have some self-awareness as you're making
choices in a partner, saying to yourself, I need alone time.
(21:41):
I need time with my special interests.
And to be able to say to a potential partner, what do you need?
So that an individual isn't matched with someone who in the long term,
not just the dating relationship, but in the long term ends up having much different
(22:02):
needs, strengths, and challenges.
And this brings up the point of the length of the dating relationship.
This is an interesting thing because when people find the one,
they feel this ardent desire sometimes
to be with them all the time and to start their lives right away.
(22:24):
And for the autistic who perhaps struggles with situations that feel undefined,
they're are not quite sure how this relationship is going to work out.
There's no clear outcome.
Where is this heading? Is it going to work? Is it not going to work?
The dating relationship by definition feels uncertain.
(22:47):
So sometimes the autistic individual may wish to define the relationship.
And this can happen either by cutting it off because the uncertainty is really
uncomfortable, not because the relationship itself doesn't feel good,
or by cementing it. So let's get married.
(23:10):
So the ability to stay in an uncertain relationship, to see how it works out over a few years,
it's really strenuous, particularly for someone whose wiring is really insistent
that that something predictable happens next.
(23:31):
When it's possible, it's actually really nice to learn some strategies to live
in this ambiguity and to let it be incompletely defined.
Yeah, I don't know what will happen, quote, in the end.
The reason is that the journey together through that initial courtship can really
(23:53):
help give both partners revelation about how they fit in the longer term.
So you've already heard my stories.
You brought me flowers, you laughed at my jokes. How are we doing in the longer term?
It's easy to be a successful couple when everyone's on their best behavior.
(24:13):
But how do you do when you fight about something and how does that go?
And what do you do with this person when it comes to conflict resolution or
are you able to negotiate together or repair your relationship?
And can this person do difficult things well?
(24:34):
So if you want to pick a great partner, it's nice to pick someone funny or nice
looking, someone that shares your interests.
But in the end, you're going to want someone who who can do tough things well with you.
And the way you get to see this is by allowing an undefined relationship,
(24:56):
so a dating partnership to last over time, so that you actually go through things in life together.
People aren't on their best behavior anymore.
You're not necessarily laughing at each other's jokes all the time anymore.
And you get to see what that longer term may actually feel like.
(25:18):
So the things I've shared with you today are based on my experiences of getting
to listen to the autistic client's experience in relationships,
dating relationships, partnering, and
what they look back on over time as they've been in a long-term relationship
(25:39):
look back at the dating relationship and kind of process the shifts and what
has worked well and what they may have wanted to do a bit differently.
(26:04):
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