August 18, 2024 • 24 mins
Dr. Regan continues the series about the lifespan of a relationship and/or household. The first episode focused on dating relationships, and this second episode focuses on sexual intimacy in relationships with an autistic partner.
Dr. Regan's Resources:
Zur Institute courses for clinicians
Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed
Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors
Autism in the Adult website homepage
Website Resources for Clinicians
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
I'm Dr. Teresa Regan. I'm a neuropsychologist, a certified autism specialist,
and mom to an autistic young adult.
You're joining me for the second episode in a series about the lifespan of a household.
The idea for this series started with emails that I received just asking for
(00:28):
more episodes on household living.
And as we know, a household can take many different forms across the lifespan
of the people in the household,
who's living there at what time, what their needs are, and there are so many
diverse types of households that I will not be able to do them justice in one series,
(00:50):
but I did want to help touch on a variety of perspective and needs across that lifespan.
We started this series last time with dating, and today we're going to talk
about physical intimacy, and partnered relationships.
So over time, we'll talk about other stages of a household, like perhaps having
(01:14):
multiple people in the household, maybe children,
empty nesting, retirement, and we'll continue with this overall theme.
Before we start, I'll update you on a few projects I'm working on.
I'm revamping my website, site, adultandgeriatricautism.com,
(01:35):
to make it more user-friendly.
So as I've added onto the site over the last few years, it's really gotten a
bit bulky and expansive, and I want to correct that so it's easier to navigate
and find what would really benefit you when you're at the site.
So the next few times that you visit, it'll be in the process of an update,
(01:57):
and once the update is complete, I think it'll be easier for you to enjoy.
I'm also going to be revamping my Empowered Parenting course a bit,
just the structure of it based on feedback I've received from families about
what's helpful or less helpful. So more on that later.
(02:18):
And third, and perhaps the biggest project I'm going to launch,
will be sometime in September,
and I'm developing an option for autistic individuals or their family members
to schedule 50-minute appointments with me to consult about autism-related topics.
In the past, I've only offered this to professionals for professional clinical
(02:43):
consultation about autism,
And now I'm going to have an offering for individuals either who are on the
autism spectrum or family members
who are wanting to relate best to their neurodiverse household members.
The consultations will be really based on a psychoeducation format,
(03:06):
meaning that they won't be like psychotherapy format where I would follow a
client over a long period of time and work on psychological issues.
It would be more me providing input into your situation based on what I know
about the neurology of autism,
what tends to be helpful or not helpful, how to understand different things
(03:29):
you may be experiencing, how to communicate about those things.
I will not be doing autism assessment at this time. There will also be some
geographic limitations.
The PSYPACT license that allows psychologists to provide telehealth services
across state lines is not currently adopted by all states,
(03:53):
but most states have passed legislation to allow this type of service across states.
Also, the appointments will be self-pay only. I'm not going to be accepting
insurance, but I will have a lot more information on my website soon.
So as I said, today we're talking about physical intimacy in partnered relationships.
(04:15):
Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, I did want to give you a heads
up so you can choose when to listen to this episode and who might be able to hear it.
If you have kiddos around, you can make those kinds of decisions.
So as we talked about last time, one of the challenges in sharing about relationships
(04:35):
is the high diversity in what relationships might look like.
So we're focusing on longer-term partnered relationships here,
but not all partnered relationships will involve physical intimacy.
And for those who do, though, I wanted to set aside an episode dedicated to the topic.
(04:57):
The information I provide in this episode is taken from talks given by autistic
individuals about their experiences and recommendations and preferences,
as well as information shared in the course of my work, removing any identifying type of details.
(05:17):
As with any couple who has a physically intimate relationship,
there will always be challenges at at times with things like the timing of intimacy
and the frequency and what one partner likes or doesn't like,
communicating about sexual contact.
(05:37):
But there are some additional factors that might come into play with sexual
relationships for autistic individuals.
I can't discuss all relevant themes in this one episode, but we're going to
highlight a few that I hear quite a bit.
The first is that of sensory processing.
(05:58):
One of the most common themes that comes up about sex and the autistic is the
theme of sensory processing.
So many of you probably know that with the autistic neurology,
there are a good percentage of individuals who have differences in how sensations
(06:18):
feel or are experienced.
So the senses as we know them for touch,
scent, visual, things like lighting,
taste auditory and
there are also three other perhaps lesser known
sensory inputs interoception is one that's an understanding of what's going
(06:42):
on inside the body am i hungry am i in pain am i tired vestibular is a type
of sensory input that has to do with movement when the head is moving through space.
And finally, proprioception, which is pressure input.
So how much pressure is involved in touch or a hug, for example.
(07:06):
So the autistic individual may have high sensitivity to some inputs,
like they're sensing too much of it, it feels too strong.
Perhaps they're sensitive to noise or to scents, that the smells of the food
are bothersome, for example.
And they also, paired with that, may have a low detection of some inputs in other areas.
(07:34):
So someone might say, well, I don't really notice those smells that you do.
Or if somebody walks past me and bumps into me, I don't notice,
but I'm very sensitive to other inputs like light.
The other tricky thing, besides there being differences in how much of a sense
(07:58):
and sensory experience the autistic is feeling,
so that's a lot of light or that's not enough sound, In addition to those differences in threshold,
there's also likely to be more variation from day to day for the autistic than the non-autistic.
(08:19):
So for the autistic, they may say, wow, I'm really sensitive to light today.
I'm not usually this sensitive.
If they're experiencing hormone changes, there may be such a significant shift
in their sensory experience, or if they've been feeling ill or fatigued or stressed.
(08:42):
Those kinds of physical and psychological experiences can impact how sensory
inputs feel, that threshold of how they're experienced.
So not only are there differences, but the differences can be a bit unpredictable from day to day.
(09:05):
And this can mean that the two individuals in a physical relationship may have
more communication to do.
This is how I'm doing today. This is what I prefer today. day.
Now physical intimacy in itself is an intense sensory experience and attention
to the needs of each individual every time will be really important.
(09:29):
When sensory inputs are identified that the individual enjoys,
there can be a creative process of integrating those things like a scented lotion
or candles or Christmas lights or music and vice versa that both partner will
have this process of self-awareness and communication,
(09:52):
integrating things that they like and things that they don't prefer.
These things can enhance the overall sensory experience of intimacy.
And if you've listened to past episodes, you'll know that I've spoken a lot about self-awareness.
So knowing how your nervous system is wired, what you lean toward, what you need that day,
(10:17):
And this self-awareness serves you not only in staying healthy and centered
and regulated, but also in being able to identify what you want or need in the
context of physical intimacy.
Now, the other side of the coin is once you're self-aware, are you then able
(10:39):
to increase your awareness of what the other person needs.
So there can be more conversations about this is what I need, what do you need today?
And this means that there's this high importance not only of awareness but of communication.
(10:59):
And it may have to do with the pace of the schedule that day or what the meal is going to be that day.
And of course, it extends into connecting physically as well.
So awareness of the self and other and communication for physical intimacy is
an extension of what hopefully is happening in other areas of each individual's life as well.
(11:28):
Secondly, in addition to awareness and communication about sensory issues,
likes and dislikes, I wanted to touch on the topic of how the nervous system
deals with unexpected things.
Some people have a nervous system that's wired for novelty.
(11:49):
They They crave new things, surprises, attention-grabbing things.
They might say, so what's new today? What's going on? What are we going to do?
They might feel quickly bored in life and want really exciting things that capture
their attention, and usually these are going to be things that surprised them
(12:11):
or grabbed their attention.
Oh, that's different. I wasn't expecting that. That's a twist.
In contrast, the nervous system for others will lean generally toward liking
repetition of the familiar.
And in general, that's true for the autistic.
Let's have a routine. Let's eat the same thing. Let's go to the same place. Let's do the same thing.
(12:36):
And if there is enjoyment of new things, it may be within the person's established interest.
So I'd love to hear a new album by my favorite artist.
Or I love to visit museums.
Which new museum could I go to? Or if it's not something new within their favorite
(13:01):
topic, it could be that they look forward to trying a new thing that is planned.
It's expected. in. So I know we're going to do this new thing ahead of time.
I've thought about it. I've prepared myself for it. I've planned it out. I've researched it.
So it's not unexpected and new.
(13:24):
This combination of the thing that is both novel and unexpected can be difficult
for the autistic individual to process in a really comfortable way.
So it can feel too intense or overwhelming to have to process a lot of new information
all at once rather than ahead of time.
(13:47):
So it's both too much newness and it's too quick when it's unexpected.
That's just too much coming at me.
Some individuals on the spectrum share that sexual encounters can feel this way for many reasons.
So part of that can be just the pre-sexual communications.
(14:09):
So it's usually, in at least our culture here in the United States,
it's not a blatantly planned rendezvous.
A lot of times, if you're on a date with someone new or, you know,
at social get-together and you're meeting new people,
(14:29):
there are these parts of the sexual communication that are subtle or non-verbal
or they're verbal but with some innuendo.
So it can be difficult to know whether there will be a sexual invitation or
overture until it's actually happening.
(14:50):
And this would particularly be true if there's a new potential partner,
but maybe somewhat true in established relationships as well.
Like, oh, I didn't know we were going to do this today.
The autistic individual may want to think about whether knowing ahead of time
is helpful for them and then figure out ways to to communicate this.
(15:15):
This is always easier to do in a long-term relationship,
but what can be hard is if you haven't thought about it ahead of time,
then you're receiving this invitation you didn't expect and you don't know what to say.
You haven't really thought about what you want. You haven't thought about how to communicate that.
(15:37):
Sometimes these individuals feel like deciding ahead of time can help them feel more grounded.
So they may say, whatever happens tonight, if I meet someone or don't,
there's going to be no sexual encounter.
So they've, they already feel grounded in what their preference is,
(15:58):
and maybe they have a few different ways of saying that.
So rather than trying to read the signs or feeling like they have to decide
what they want in the moment and figure out how to communicate that.
They can just know that the answer is no for tonight, no matter what the signs
(16:19):
are, because I've decided ahead of time.
And if the relationship leads to intimacy, I'll have more time to think about it.
I'll have more time to think about what I want and when and to communicate that ahead of time.
So it kind of eliminates that in-the-moment pressure to make a decision or the
(16:40):
opportunity will be lost,
or I won't know what to say, or maybe I communicated in some way that I actually
wanted that when I didn't know what the overture meant.
Secondly, some autistic individuals feel overwhelmed with physical intimacy
in any form because of the unexpected experiences that might be inherent to it.
(17:05):
So, you know, some on the spectrum may identify as asexual,
so they perhaps have no interest either way, or perhaps they feel that sexual
inputs are too overwhelming and that that connection never feels good,
even if they're prepared in advance. dance.
(17:25):
Others enjoy the physical connection, but the struggle is the changeability of the process itself.
So even if they anticipate a sexual encounter, they can feel like they can't
anticipate what will take place first, next, you know, in what sequence, with what speed.
(17:48):
Feed because, again, for a lot of individuals who love novelty,
that's what spices up the physical connection.
But for the autistic who may really like to see what's coming ahead of time,
the uncertainty of even being with a familiar partner can feel overwhelming.
(18:13):
The individual who experiences this, they want to ask their partner for a routine.
Let's always start with this and then that.
And the partner can decide if this matches their own preferences well enough
or if they really aren't well suited for a sexual relationship together.
(18:34):
After a routine over a length of time, the autistic may feel that they're ready
for something new, but they want to plan it ahead of time.
Also, if the partner likes more surprises than the autistic,
perhaps they ask the autistic individual to plan a surprise for them ahead of time.
(18:54):
So the individual on the spectrum can plan something that's a surprise for their
partner, but they won't feel overwhelmed by it because they know it's coming.
So each person is going to have their own nervous system, their own preferences,
versus balancing novelty versus repetition, planning ahead versus spontaneity.
(19:18):
And that's going to be true across so many aspects of life and certainly within
the physically intimate part of their relationship as well.
A third theme that I often have come up related to sexual encounters and the
autistic has to do with the experience of sex for the purpose of of regulation,
(19:41):
or at least serving that for the individual in large part.
So that this regulation, we've talked about this many times before,
and it can be something that's difficult for the autistic to find and keep.
Regulation just means the ability to feel centered, calm, and psychologically
(20:02):
present, to have this balance of alertness, attention, and emotional calm.
If an autistic leans toward anxiety, for example, being regulated may look like feeling less anxious.
Someone may say, I feel less intense or overwhelmed or sluggish when I'm regulated.
(20:25):
And many times, physical inputs for regulation are really helpful for all of
us, but even more so for the autistic.
So when they're dysregulated what
doesn't help is talking about you know
what we're feeling and how we can solve it because the
talking itself can be overwhelming so
(20:48):
the physical inputs that could help the nervous system calm often have to do
with pressure input that's called proprioceptive input like a weighted blanket
or vestibular input which is that movement like swinging or riding a bike or
going down a water slide.
But other sensory inputs can be stabilizing and centering as well,
(21:13):
like the scent of a candle or a lotion, certain kinds of lights or sounds.
For the clients that talk about how important sex is for their regulation.
They may explain that physical intimacy helps provide inputs that they need
to relax and feel more centered, and more resilient for the day.
(21:37):
They may be receiving a really helpful amount of pressure input during sex,
and the sexual release itself may really feel centering and calming.
They also may experience sensory inputs as other parts of this connection,
so maybe there's music playing or candlelight.
(21:58):
The preferences would be different for each person, but it is a very sensory-loaded experience,
as we've said, and for some, it's just what they need to feel grounded and regulated
and resilient for the day.
When an individual seeks physical intimacy with their partner as part of their
(22:19):
regulation needs, they often need to regroup and get creative across life seasons.
So this often happens during hormone changes, retirement years,
things where where maybe sex is less available or less pleasurable or helpful.
And the individual who is self-aware, this is one of the things,
(22:43):
you know, I really benefit from, this is what I don't like.
And they're used to communicating with their partner for problem solving.
They can then look at what's happening in that life season and say,
you know, I know I've been irritable lately and I think I think part of it is
that, you know, this has changed for us and I haven't figured out how else to help myself regulate.
(23:11):
So sex can't serve exactly the same function all across the lifespan for every single individual.
And there may need to be this coming together to say, what do I need in this life season?
How can we physically connect in an intimate way? And how can I get my regulation
needs met? Perhaps in other ways.
(23:33):
Although all physically intimate partners will need to communicate about how
much sex, when to have sex, how much novelty, what they want or don't want.
For those on the spectrum, the range of preference may be wider across individuals
and the needs or preferences may be of stronger importance.
Like I really cannot be touched with that amount of pressure. That's very upsetting.
(23:58):
The journey towards self-awareness for any individual can be long,
but it can be so helpful that as the individual becomes more aware of what they
feel and why, what their preferences are and why,
and then they can think about how to communicate these to someone they're close
to and ask for input about what their partner needs as well.
(24:24):
Thank you for joining me for today's episode. We talked about physical intimacy
and neurological wiring and the crossing of the two, And I hope you join me
for the next episode where we'll take another step in the lifespan.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
I'm Dr. Teresa Regan. I'm a neuropsychologist, a certified autism specialist,
and mom to an autistic young adult.
You're joining me for the second episode in a series about the lifespan of a household.
The idea for this series started with emails that I received just asking for
(00:28):
more episodes on household living.
And as we know, a household can take many different forms across the lifespan
of the people in the household,
who's living there at what time, what their needs are, and there are so many
diverse types of households that I will not be able to do them justice in one series,
(00:50):
but I did want to help touch on a variety of perspective and needs across that lifespan.
We started this series last time with dating, and today we're going to talk
about physical intimacy, and partnered relationships.
So over time, we'll talk about other stages of a household, like perhaps having
(01:14):
multiple people in the household, maybe children,
empty nesting, retirement, and we'll continue with this overall theme.
Before we start, I'll update you on a few projects I'm working on.
I'm revamping my website, site, adultandgeriatricautism.com,
(01:35):
to make it more user-friendly.
So as I've added onto the site over the last few years, it's really gotten a
bit bulky and expansive, and I want to correct that so it's easier to navigate
and find what would really benefit you when you're at the site.
So the next few times that you visit, it'll be in the process of an update,
(01:57):
and once the update is complete, I think it'll be easier for you to enjoy.
I'm also going to be revamping my Empowered Parenting course a bit,
just the structure of it based on feedback I've received from families about
what's helpful or less helpful. So more on that later.
(02:18):
And third, and perhaps the biggest project I'm going to launch,
will be sometime in September,
and I'm developing an option for autistic individuals or their family members
to schedule 50-minute appointments with me to consult about autism-related topics.
In the past, I've only offered this to professionals for professional clinical
(02:43):
consultation about autism,
And now I'm going to have an offering for individuals either who are on the
autism spectrum or family members
who are wanting to relate best to their neurodiverse household members.
The consultations will be really based on a psychoeducation format,
(03:06):
meaning that they won't be like psychotherapy format where I would follow a
client over a long period of time and work on psychological issues.
It would be more me providing input into your situation based on what I know
about the neurology of autism,
what tends to be helpful or not helpful, how to understand different things
(03:29):
you may be experiencing, how to communicate about those things.
I will not be doing autism assessment at this time. There will also be some
geographic limitations.
The PSYPACT license that allows psychologists to provide telehealth services
across state lines is not currently adopted by all states,
(03:53):
but most states have passed legislation to allow this type of service across states.
Also, the appointments will be self-pay only. I'm not going to be accepting
insurance, but I will have a lot more information on my website soon.
So as I said, today we're talking about physical intimacy in partnered relationships.
(04:15):
Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, I did want to give you a heads
up so you can choose when to listen to this episode and who might be able to hear it.
If you have kiddos around, you can make those kinds of decisions.
So as we talked about last time, one of the challenges in sharing about relationships
(04:35):
is the high diversity in what relationships might look like.
So we're focusing on longer-term partnered relationships here,
but not all partnered relationships will involve physical intimacy.
And for those who do, though, I wanted to set aside an episode dedicated to the topic.
(04:57):
The information I provide in this episode is taken from talks given by autistic
individuals about their experiences and recommendations and preferences,
as well as information shared in the course of my work, removing any identifying type of details.
(05:17):
As with any couple who has a physically intimate relationship,
there will always be challenges at at times with things like the timing of intimacy
and the frequency and what one partner likes or doesn't like,
communicating about sexual contact.
(05:37):
But there are some additional factors that might come into play with sexual
relationships for autistic individuals.
I can't discuss all relevant themes in this one episode, but we're going to
highlight a few that I hear quite a bit.
The first is that of sensory processing.
(05:58):
One of the most common themes that comes up about sex and the autistic is the
theme of sensory processing.
So many of you probably know that with the autistic neurology,
there are a good percentage of individuals who have differences in how sensations
(06:18):
feel or are experienced.
So the senses as we know them for touch,
scent, visual, things like lighting,
taste auditory and
there are also three other perhaps lesser known
sensory inputs interoception is one that's an understanding of what's going
(06:42):
on inside the body am i hungry am i in pain am i tired vestibular is a type
of sensory input that has to do with movement when the head is moving through space.
And finally, proprioception, which is pressure input.
So how much pressure is involved in touch or a hug, for example.
(07:06):
So the autistic individual may have high sensitivity to some inputs,
like they're sensing too much of it, it feels too strong.
Perhaps they're sensitive to noise or to scents, that the smells of the food
are bothersome, for example.
And they also, paired with that, may have a low detection of some inputs in other areas.
(07:34):
So someone might say, well, I don't really notice those smells that you do.
Or if somebody walks past me and bumps into me, I don't notice,
but I'm very sensitive to other inputs like light.
The other tricky thing, besides there being differences in how much of a sense
(07:58):
and sensory experience the autistic is feeling,
so that's a lot of light or that's not enough sound, In addition to those differences in threshold,
there's also likely to be more variation from day to day for the autistic than the non-autistic.
(08:19):
So for the autistic, they may say, wow, I'm really sensitive to light today.
I'm not usually this sensitive.
If they're experiencing hormone changes, there may be such a significant shift
in their sensory experience, or if they've been feeling ill or fatigued or stressed.
(08:42):
Those kinds of physical and psychological experiences can impact how sensory
inputs feel, that threshold of how they're experienced.
So not only are there differences, but the differences can be a bit unpredictable from day to day.
(09:05):
And this can mean that the two individuals in a physical relationship may have
more communication to do.
This is how I'm doing today. This is what I prefer today. day.
Now physical intimacy in itself is an intense sensory experience and attention
to the needs of each individual every time will be really important.
(09:29):
When sensory inputs are identified that the individual enjoys,
there can be a creative process of integrating those things like a scented lotion
or candles or Christmas lights or music and vice versa that both partner will
have this process of self-awareness and communication,
(09:52):
integrating things that they like and things that they don't prefer.
These things can enhance the overall sensory experience of intimacy.
And if you've listened to past episodes, you'll know that I've spoken a lot about self-awareness.
So knowing how your nervous system is wired, what you lean toward, what you need that day,
(10:17):
And this self-awareness serves you not only in staying healthy and centered
and regulated, but also in being able to identify what you want or need in the
context of physical intimacy.
Now, the other side of the coin is once you're self-aware, are you then able
(10:39):
to increase your awareness of what the other person needs.
So there can be more conversations about this is what I need, what do you need today?
And this means that there's this high importance not only of awareness but of communication.
(10:59):
And it may have to do with the pace of the schedule that day or what the meal is going to be that day.
And of course, it extends into connecting physically as well.
So awareness of the self and other and communication for physical intimacy is
an extension of what hopefully is happening in other areas of each individual's life as well.
(11:28):
Secondly, in addition to awareness and communication about sensory issues,
likes and dislikes, I wanted to touch on the topic of how the nervous system
deals with unexpected things.
Some people have a nervous system that's wired for novelty.
(11:49):
They They crave new things, surprises, attention-grabbing things.
They might say, so what's new today? What's going on? What are we going to do?
They might feel quickly bored in life and want really exciting things that capture
their attention, and usually these are going to be things that surprised them
(12:11):
or grabbed their attention.
Oh, that's different. I wasn't expecting that. That's a twist.
In contrast, the nervous system for others will lean generally toward liking
repetition of the familiar.
And in general, that's true for the autistic.
Let's have a routine. Let's eat the same thing. Let's go to the same place. Let's do the same thing.
(12:36):
And if there is enjoyment of new things, it may be within the person's established interest.
So I'd love to hear a new album by my favorite artist.
Or I love to visit museums.
Which new museum could I go to? Or if it's not something new within their favorite
(13:01):
topic, it could be that they look forward to trying a new thing that is planned.
It's expected. in. So I know we're going to do this new thing ahead of time.
I've thought about it. I've prepared myself for it. I've planned it out. I've researched it.
So it's not unexpected and new.
(13:24):
This combination of the thing that is both novel and unexpected can be difficult
for the autistic individual to process in a really comfortable way.
So it can feel too intense or overwhelming to have to process a lot of new information
all at once rather than ahead of time.
(13:47):
So it's both too much newness and it's too quick when it's unexpected.
That's just too much coming at me.
Some individuals on the spectrum share that sexual encounters can feel this way for many reasons.
So part of that can be just the pre-sexual communications.
(14:09):
So it's usually, in at least our culture here in the United States,
it's not a blatantly planned rendezvous.
A lot of times, if you're on a date with someone new or, you know,
at social get-together and you're meeting new people,
(14:29):
there are these parts of the sexual communication that are subtle or non-verbal
or they're verbal but with some innuendo.
So it can be difficult to know whether there will be a sexual invitation or
overture until it's actually happening.
(14:50):
And this would particularly be true if there's a new potential partner,
but maybe somewhat true in established relationships as well.
Like, oh, I didn't know we were going to do this today.
The autistic individual may want to think about whether knowing ahead of time
is helpful for them and then figure out ways to to communicate this.
(15:15):
This is always easier to do in a long-term relationship,
but what can be hard is if you haven't thought about it ahead of time,
then you're receiving this invitation you didn't expect and you don't know what to say.
You haven't really thought about what you want. You haven't thought about how to communicate that.
(15:37):
Sometimes these individuals feel like deciding ahead of time can help them feel more grounded.
So they may say, whatever happens tonight, if I meet someone or don't,
there's going to be no sexual encounter.
So they've, they already feel grounded in what their preference is,
(15:58):
and maybe they have a few different ways of saying that.
So rather than trying to read the signs or feeling like they have to decide
what they want in the moment and figure out how to communicate that.
They can just know that the answer is no for tonight, no matter what the signs
(16:19):
are, because I've decided ahead of time.
And if the relationship leads to intimacy, I'll have more time to think about it.
I'll have more time to think about what I want and when and to communicate that ahead of time.
So it kind of eliminates that in-the-moment pressure to make a decision or the
(16:40):
opportunity will be lost,
or I won't know what to say, or maybe I communicated in some way that I actually
wanted that when I didn't know what the overture meant.
Secondly, some autistic individuals feel overwhelmed with physical intimacy
in any form because of the unexpected experiences that might be inherent to it.
(17:05):
So, you know, some on the spectrum may identify as asexual,
so they perhaps have no interest either way, or perhaps they feel that sexual
inputs are too overwhelming and that that connection never feels good,
even if they're prepared in advance. dance.
(17:25):
Others enjoy the physical connection, but the struggle is the changeability of the process itself.
So even if they anticipate a sexual encounter, they can feel like they can't
anticipate what will take place first, next, you know, in what sequence, with what speed.
(17:48):
Feed because, again, for a lot of individuals who love novelty,
that's what spices up the physical connection.
But for the autistic who may really like to see what's coming ahead of time,
the uncertainty of even being with a familiar partner can feel overwhelming.
(18:13):
The individual who experiences this, they want to ask their partner for a routine.
Let's always start with this and then that.
And the partner can decide if this matches their own preferences well enough
or if they really aren't well suited for a sexual relationship together.
(18:34):
After a routine over a length of time, the autistic may feel that they're ready
for something new, but they want to plan it ahead of time.
Also, if the partner likes more surprises than the autistic,
perhaps they ask the autistic individual to plan a surprise for them ahead of time.
(18:54):
So the individual on the spectrum can plan something that's a surprise for their
partner, but they won't feel overwhelmed by it because they know it's coming.
So each person is going to have their own nervous system, their own preferences,
versus balancing novelty versus repetition, planning ahead versus spontaneity.
(19:18):
And that's going to be true across so many aspects of life and certainly within
the physically intimate part of their relationship as well.
A third theme that I often have come up related to sexual encounters and the
autistic has to do with the experience of sex for the purpose of of regulation,
(19:41):
or at least serving that for the individual in large part.
So that this regulation, we've talked about this many times before,
and it can be something that's difficult for the autistic to find and keep.
Regulation just means the ability to feel centered, calm, and psychologically
(20:02):
present, to have this balance of alertness, attention, and emotional calm.
If an autistic leans toward anxiety, for example, being regulated may look like feeling less anxious.
Someone may say, I feel less intense or overwhelmed or sluggish when I'm regulated.
(20:25):
And many times, physical inputs for regulation are really helpful for all of
us, but even more so for the autistic.
So when they're dysregulated what
doesn't help is talking about you know
what we're feeling and how we can solve it because the
talking itself can be overwhelming so
(20:48):
the physical inputs that could help the nervous system calm often have to do
with pressure input that's called proprioceptive input like a weighted blanket
or vestibular input which is that movement like swinging or riding a bike or
going down a water slide.
But other sensory inputs can be stabilizing and centering as well,
(21:13):
like the scent of a candle or a lotion, certain kinds of lights or sounds.
For the clients that talk about how important sex is for their regulation.
They may explain that physical intimacy helps provide inputs that they need
to relax and feel more centered, and more resilient for the day.
(21:37):
They may be receiving a really helpful amount of pressure input during sex,
and the sexual release itself may really feel centering and calming.
They also may experience sensory inputs as other parts of this connection,
so maybe there's music playing or candlelight.
(21:58):
The preferences would be different for each person, but it is a very sensory-loaded experience,
as we've said, and for some, it's just what they need to feel grounded and regulated
and resilient for the day.
When an individual seeks physical intimacy with their partner as part of their
(22:19):
regulation needs, they often need to regroup and get creative across life seasons.
So this often happens during hormone changes, retirement years,
things where where maybe sex is less available or less pleasurable or helpful.
And the individual who is self-aware, this is one of the things,
(22:43):
you know, I really benefit from, this is what I don't like.
And they're used to communicating with their partner for problem solving.
They can then look at what's happening in that life season and say,
you know, I know I've been irritable lately and I think I think part of it is
that, you know, this has changed for us and I haven't figured out how else to help myself regulate.
(23:11):
So sex can't serve exactly the same function all across the lifespan for every single individual.
And there may need to be this coming together to say, what do I need in this life season?
How can we physically connect in an intimate way? And how can I get my regulation
needs met? Perhaps in other ways.
(23:33):
Although all physically intimate partners will need to communicate about how
much sex, when to have sex, how much novelty, what they want or don't want.
For those on the spectrum, the range of preference may be wider across individuals
and the needs or preferences may be of stronger importance.
Like I really cannot be touched with that amount of pressure. That's very upsetting.
(23:58):
The journey towards self-awareness for any individual can be long,
but it can be so helpful that as the individual becomes more aware of what they
feel and why, what their preferences are and why,
and then they can think about how to communicate these to someone they're close
to and ask for input about what their partner needs as well.
(24:24):
Thank you for joining me for today's episode. We talked about physical intimacy
and neurological wiring and the crossing of the two, And I hope you join me
for the next episode where we'll take another step in the lifespan.
Music.
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