December 2, 2025 • 40 secs
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Slow conversations that we have about our own autism with lots of silences. (edited out here)
Adult Autism Drop in Sunday 4.44 PM Every week. We are reliable. All Autistic Adults are invited to drop by to discuss what`s on their mind. Supporting each other through shared experience. This edit gives a flavour of a slow gentle conversation We have taken out the long silences. No booking No appointments No cameras Text and voices. Silence is cool too ! Some people listen and lurk You are not pestered to join in but you are welcome to when it feels OK for you.Welcome page and link to join in Sunday-Drop-in-4-44pm
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (00:01):
Hi there.
Every Sunday a group of autisticpeople get together and drop in.
It's an informal group.
Um, but some of the things thatpeople say deserve a bigger audience,
so they give us permission for usto put them in a an edited reel.
And that's what we are here for today'sedited reel of the conversations
(00:23):
that we have about our own autism.
Cheers, enjoy.
Hi Ray.
Hi Ray.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (00:35):
Hi Ray.
Hi everyone.
, Jules-AutisticRadio.com: Just a quick thing there. (00:39):
undefined
Has been ill.
But she might drop in today, she's ontoantibiotics, you've got a strep throat,
she might not be able to speak, so shemight just hang around and listen to
us and just take something from that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (00:54):
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a bit ofthat about isn't there?
A friend of mine was trying to contactanother friend this weekend getting
no response to texts or phone calls,so eventually roused them yesterday
and he sent a text saying it's justbeen floored and in bed for a week.
So
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (01:09):
you gotta check in on people.
I found your text funny inthe, in the private text.
Then Nicola, you say, isthere a 4, 4, 4 this evening?
I'm here every 4, 4, 4, , everySunday evening, and it just
seems like, wow, it's a drop in.
People can rely on us being here.
Whatever.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (01:30):
No, I've just kind of floated off.
, Into like a strange place.
So it, it's nice and reassuringthat it's still here.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (01:39):
I think my voice sounded really, when I was
hearing myself speak there, I soundedlike a right fucking weirdo 'cause I
was struggling to, to do the socialthing of trying to not blunder and, and
make somebody feel welcome, et cetera.
And I felt as though I wasjust in a snowballing mess of.
(02:01):
Cat handedness then.
I'm sorry about that.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (02:04):
I kinda just felt welcome and I recognized, , like
I sometimes find words just so hard toget out and there's like impressions
in my head that if I could justbeam to you, it would be so much
more efficient and it's slowing downenough to get my words to come out.
Sometimes.
So I just thought it was somethingcommon to us that I didn't really judge.
(02:26):
I didn't judge at all.
As someone in the chat said, yousounded jocular jus and I do agree.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com: Wow, that sounds good then. (02:32):
undefined
'cause it's this autistic thing, youjust feel as though you've really
fucked it up and then you startworrying about it straight after it.
However, you know, usedto this whole thing.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, that sounds familiar. (02:46):
undefined
There's quite a lot ofnoise in the background.
I think that there's, some Christmasspirit happening in the house and
some decorating's being started.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (02:57):
Oh, I wish I could join with that.
I can't actually hear it.
There's nothing happening here.
I'm totally alone.
A a three story building going fromthe, the bottom , where there's work
going on and there's factory ish sortof area to the top where I'm living.
My wife's away and I look out thewindow and it's an empty square in
(03:22):
the town with a Christmas tree up.
The market's gone and, there'ssomething really very solitary
about this place at the moment.
So hearing something in the backgroundfrom you, would actually cheer my spirits.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (03:37):
Yeah, I feel like this has just sneaked up in me.
I can't believe it's like thefirst tomorrow and some of my
past Christmas behavior has setmy bar a little bit too high, so
I've got an awful lot to do today,
. An advent calendar that I need to build.
, But yeah, now my house is being decoratedby my teenager, so it's changed.
It's not as hard work as it used to be.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (03:59):
Well, that brings back lovely memories from
my daughter being a teenager, goingaround the big house with a couple
of Christmas trees and all the stuffthat we used to do for Christmas.
So, just having them there maybe oneyear or two years or three years, they
might do this, and then it'll be amemory for you that will go off into the
future that you will access as a mum.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, , I've been so aware of it. (04:21):
undefined
I think since I got through the part thatjust felt like sheer survival when they're
toddlers, , every year, , everything'sbit like they, oh, got to hold onto this.
Really enjoy this and feelingthe fleetingness of it all.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (04:35):
I'm gonna catch up with a text.
Everyone's saying hi to each otherand a bit of Christmas spirit, and
there's people reassuring me tosay that I did sound jock killer,
but they know what I mean when Isay how I was stressing about it.
Then I blurted out thoughI was stressing about it.
Robbie says that he starteddoing something and he took
longer than he thought.
(04:55):
He reacts to what I said aboutfeeling it as though this is a
really solitary space at the moment.
And he says, I don't seeanyone unless I go out.
Ray describes it as a ghosttown, which means we're gonna
sing the specials in a minute.
I think Robbie says here, newYear's , Eve is dead, even
compared to where he used to live.
Robbie moved out into the countrysideand he spends much of Christmas alone.
(05:19):
It's just another day.
Well, I'm gonna remind you, Robbie,we have the autistic radio, radio days
event between Christmas and New Year.
So I hope on those four days atleast, you'll be part of the team
here, keeping people company in the,dispiriting time between Christmas and
New Year 27th, eighth, ninth, 30th.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (05:40):
Robbie, I completely related to what you wrote
there about I started doing somethingand it took longer than I thought.
That's like the story of my life.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (05:47):
Same from me.
, It's been a complicated afternoon.
It's been a complicated day actually.
It's been quite complicated week.
. So Josie's asking me to putus all out of our misery and
tell us , what's been going on.
Let's see.
Well, I got locked outta my house on.
Tuesday.
Yep.
I went to do some stuff outside.
(06:08):
We got the dog that sort of self closesand we usually put it on the latch when
we go outside and I forgot which meansthat I was outside and Dave wasn't ho.
So I was in my dressing gown and my nightthings, and I panicked somewhat because
I thought, oh shit, I can't get in.
I tried the windows.
The windows all closed because it'swinter, we don't have 'em open.
(06:30):
Couldn't get in that way.
And then Dave came home becausehe had been on a walk and
I said, have you got keys?
And he said, no, I haven't got keys.
So then my panic rose to a completepanic attack and I was shaking
and going, what are we gonna do?
What we're gonna do?
And so we tried everybody in the blockand nobody answered their doors so then
we just didn't know what to do at all.
(06:52):
And , the people over the road spottedwe were outside and I was in my not
outdoor clothes and said, can I help?
And they were lovely.
They let us borrow a phoneand we phoned a locksmith.
A locksmith came and then saidour lock was the trickiest
lock he'd seen in some time.
'cause they would do thatwhen you call out a locksmith.
And we had to pay 150 poundsto get back into our house.
(07:15):
But we now have new keys andwe're all safe and sound.
It took me about twodays to get over that.
'cause I've been wobbly because Ijust kept thinking how stupid of me,
how stupid of me, how stupid of me.
And yeah, so that happened.
And we're having someproblems with an elderly.
Relative as well at the moment, who ison their own and we can't get to them.
(07:37):
And there's all sorts of things.
So I'm in full stressed mode, ladies andgentlemen, and I don't think I'm gonna
come outta it before the end of today.
Gary-GR-AutisticRadio.com: Two years ago, bought the car. (07:47):
undefined
Came out one morning,battery was dead home.
Call out, took it to the garage.
They put a new battery on oneyear late in November, 2024.
Came out one morning,battery was dead tested.
Had to have a new battery put on.
Came out the house on Wednesday morning.
(08:07):
Car wouldn't start.
Battery was dead and I'd beenwithout a car for a few days and.
That's just a pain , and I justwanted to say, I emailed you
that video earlier this week.
I hope it was okay.
But I thought you might like it'cause it was about engagement
with medical professionals.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (08:26):
What was that you were saying about Kat Burgling Ray?
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (08:30):
It was just something Lucy was
seeing during the big menchu.
On social media to our lockout that inthe past we were all able to , in vag
our ways through little small spaces.
But as we get on in years, these thingsaren't as easy as they used to be.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (08:46):
That's directly because the house down the end of the road
or down our little lane bit that we got.
We used to have an Airbnb and peopleused to get locked out of that quite
regularly when they stayed there.
Excuse me.
It's not one of those now, butback then I was small enough.
And I stressed that I was muchsmaller then, and I could actually get
through the very, very tiny windows.
(09:08):
, It was a bit of a boostup onto the windows sill.
I could get through,open the door for people.
But yeah, this week I realized thatthose days are over and , I'm not
gonna be able to break anybody'shouses anymore through small windows.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (09:20):
Yeah.
All these home improvements, it'salmost like the latch is gone.
'cause in the old days we usedto have like latch windows.
If they were kept on the latch, youjust poked them in the opened these
days with double glazing and stufflike that, that's not on, but, but I
wonder if you still get a latch key kid.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (09:38):
See, I didn't need a latch back then.
I was, I was skinny as a break.
I, I, I didn't professionallybreak houses, by the way.
That wasn't something that I did.
Although, having said that, thatmight have been something I could
have gone into because I wasvery good at it at one point.
But , it's my 52nd birthday nextweek and I'm celebrating that by
realizing that I can't do thatanymore 'cause I reached that age.
(10:01):
So you never did any squatting?
No, we just lived in squattedplaces, not squatted places.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (10:08):
I think the only place I lived in a squat was in Austria.
I was working with an Israeli guy,Avi Chelon, selling stuff on the
streets of city around this time ofyear , and it was really, really cold.
Sometimes we would sleep in histiny little gulf traveling between
(10:29):
towns through the mountains.
Sometimes there would be a hostel.
But I do remember sleeping , ina squat for a few days with
somebody he just met on the street.
We were selling posters and things likethis to, , the Germans and the Germans
were abusing him because he was Israeli.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (10:47):
I have stayed in squats a lot of
my mates when I was younger.
All musicians are all broke.
I think I've stayed in a coupleof them, but I don't think I
could do with a shared living.
, I just shared with my brother.
So that was easy peasy.
But, , I don't think Icould have done that.
Not that we stayed in ahundred percent safe places.
I was robbed once at about, oh God,about six o'clock in the morning.
(11:11):
Someone got into my flat whenI was living in London and.
Came through the window and thenstole the very last of my money
'cause I wasn't working there.
And we had a nice chat.
She came in and she was gonna open thedoor for other people to come in, but
we stopped and chatted for a while and Iassured her that I wasn't gonna call the
police and would you please now leave?
And she did.
(11:32):
, It was the most polite, burglaryexperience I think anybody's ever had.
To change
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (11:37):
the subject a little bit, I'm gonna go back to uni.
I found a course at the OpenUniversity that I'm gonna do,
start , in February in computing.
And my first module is math.
So I've been doing likeequations and stuff like that,
and I'm having a great time.
I feel like I've found myself.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com: What level in maths is it? (11:56):
undefined
Oh, grade.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:00):
So I, no, I passed the test so that
I don't need to do that level.
So it's like first year, unique level.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (12:06):
Wow.
Maths.
Then, so are you doing calculus?
That's when I gave up.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:11):
Yeah.
There'll be calculus,,trigonometry and algebra.
So, it's nice.
I really could tell when I wasworking through it, I feel like I'm
getting loads of dopamine every time Imanage to get one of these questions.
So it feels like it's healthy and , I'mso looking forward to working with
logical things instead of people.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (12:31):
It's kinda like puzzles, isn't it?
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:34):
Yes, it does.
It feels like puzzles.
And I've been doing some , computingstuff at adult learning.
And I've just been reallylike treating it as a tool.
, When you're learning an instrumentto make music or learning how to
do printmaking to make pictures,this is just like another medium.
And I'm quite like looking forward tosee what I can do, what's out there.
(12:56):
It's a whole new world.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (12:58):
This sounds so autistic, this uplifted enthusiasm for
this new world of puzzling and maths andit, you are energized by the idea that
you're gonna have this knowledge coming in, and this project, it sounds wonderful.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (13:17):
Yeah, I really learned like learning's , really important
to me, and it was such a source of joyand over the last few years I've embraced
being a beginner, like I really likedoing something that I feel really daft
at when I first start and then gettingthose breakthroughs because I know that.
Your brain goes in these little burstsso you can feel so stuck, but then your
(13:37):
brain's doing all this work, so next timeyou go, you've probably worked through it.
That's very cool.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (13:42):
I get all that, but after about a week, I'm fed up.
It's something to do with routines.
I think.
There's this thing, if you go toa classroom, you know that can
be really good because it's likea relationship and it changes,
and so it has that novelty thing.
There were other reasons why I didn't likeclassrooms, but it can keep you going.
(14:06):
But whenever I've done self study at homeand that I just don't have the discipline.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (14:11):
I did, open University years ago when I, I
wanted to be a mature studentat, uni and it was great.
I really, really enjoyed it.
I think the Open University is fantastic.
I did have a, like a classroom Icould go to if I wanted to, but
it was all very . Free and easy.
If you wanted to come, youcould, whatever, but I found
(14:31):
it a really great experience.
They sent me to a summer school up inLeeds and it was a really good laugh
and, I was just on a course I loved, sowhen I finished there, I just went on,
carried on to uni, but it was great.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (14:44):
Yeah, I think further education and how we cope
might be a good subject, but I'm justlooking at what Joe has put there
about when he was homeless at 16,he would avoid sleeping in squats
because of the danger of other people.
I remember meeting my friend oncewhen I was 17 and he was living in
A, B, and B with 40 other people,and he was getting robbed during
(15:05):
the night and stuff like that.
It was really intimidating.
And that was an eye-opener for me, who'sstill staying at home with his parents?
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (15:13):
Yeah.
I, I would, as an autistic young person,hide somewhere in a tent away from people,
which is counterintuitive to most people.
They go towards otherpeople to feel safe, but.
For me, it was making surethat nobody knew where I was.
I would camp in the rough parts ofgolf courses or on beaches , and if
(15:36):
I was squatting a building, it wouldbe because I had opened the place
up and managed to get in myself.
It wouldn't be because it was a knownplace where others were hanging about
and taking their drugs or whatever.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (15:49):
The friend I knew who did that in the b and b, he
eventually did what you did, which waslike just camp out tents were , his
thing and the bicycles as well.
So we'd get outta town and he got verygood at , holding up and things like,,
rural bus stops and stuff like that.
But you know, you can't be toovisible when you're doing that because
you stick a little soul film insome of these environments and the
(16:12):
next minute you're being arrested.
Especially in Europe.
Especially in Eastern Europe.
So yeah,
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (16:19):
when I fell on some really hard times, I was doing
a flat share and then that flat sharesort of dissipated and I was left
on my own and I couldn't afford thevent and I was stuck in this flat.
And I phoned the council and Isaid, look, I really need help.
, And I said, can you get me out of here?
And they said, no, you've gottastay in there until somebody comes
to actually legally evict you.
From there, if you leave, you'll be seenas making yourself intentionally homeless.
(16:45):
So I was held up in this flat.
I didn't answer the door,I didn't answer the phone.
I didn't pick up thepost from the front door.
I was in a real mess.
Absolutely.
And in the end, they wanted to putme in one of those hotels, and I've
heard some terrible stories aboutpeople who have to stay there.
This one was in the elephantcastle and really, really poking.
And I said, no, I'm not doing that.
(17:06):
So my other choice was that I couldgo into sheltered housing and I
said, well, no, because I, I don'tthink I need sheltered housing.
I just need somewhere to put my head down.
I don't really need sheltered housing.
But it went on, for some months.
I had to keep goingbackwards and forwards.
They said they were gonna.
Assign me somebody like a a careworker, and I knew I didn't need it.
(17:27):
And in the end, , I managed toget a temporary accommodation,
which led to a flat.
But it was a really terrifying timebecause of being female and on your
own in London and being told thatyou're just gonna be put into a,
BB, especially, you know how badthe B'S accommodation is in London.
Oh.
It was frightening.
And I'm so glad that I justkept badgering them away.
(17:49):
God know where I'd.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (17:50):
In the text, Robbie is remembering a time when he
thought he might be stranded in a citycalled Cambridge, quite a civilized
place, but has its underbelly overnight,and he was terrified about that.
And then he members that he was alsoterrified when he thought he would be
left homeless after he lost his family.
(18:12):
And he keeps using the wordterrified where he would end up.
There has commented on Lucy's storyand said, wow, that was so scary.
Robbie says that he thought he might beshoved into a hostel and lose everything,
and Lucy comes back to say that.
We are telling horriblestories about things.
They're a long way away now,and that she got over it.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (18:36):
And I think that was a great experience in a way because
when you managed to get yourselfback from something really terrifying
and it was really terrifying for awhile, I was at my worst mentally.
And I was laid in bed all dayjust hoping, praying nobody was
gonna come to my door and knock.
And I've had things in thepast like bailiffs come round,
but I could deal with those.
But the idea that they were going tostick me somewhere dangerous was terrible.
(19:00):
But , the nice thing aboutthat is that I did recover.
And although it was scary at the time,I look back now and say, that was
all, , done, I'll put a lid on it.
I ended up in, in a tiny bed set.
In Camberwell in sort of SoutheastLondon, , it is fine and I'm
here now, so I got through it.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (19:17):
There's always that reminder when you see someone who's
really struggling on the streets to think,and to realize within yourself how many
steps you are away from that, that youcould end up in that situation so easily.
So it's, it gives you a kindof,, experience that can
(19:38):
fortify you for that scenario.
But, sometimes situations are beyondus, especially when we meet some of
the people who are straight peoplecan't imagine what we've gone through.
But yeah, it does prepareyou to a certain extent
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (19:56):
on.
, We're in the realms of what doesn'tkill you makes you stronger, and
that's only okay if you've survived itbecause most people end up, especially
autistic people with, a repetitionof trauma from these experiences.
(20:18):
And some people report thatactually the repetition of it.
Pushes them into mental health crisis andmental illness, for want of a better word.
And there's something about the autisticsensibility that the repetition of
these kind of traumatic events, ratherthan strengthening people, actually
(20:39):
sensitizes them to triggers and theylive in a world of trauma from then on.
So the luck.
That means that people like myself,Lucy, yourself, who've had these tough
experiences, I, worry about lookingback on it , and seeing it in way
, that made me, I think I'm just damnlucky I survived it as a 16-year-old.
Gary-GR-AutisticRadio.com (21:04):
I had a similar thing with the council, , when my mother
fell ill and then died 58 months I fought.
And the thing that gets me really isthat they let me stay in the house.
And why did they do all that?
Because they could have just saidthat in February, 2014, and my mental
(21:26):
health would've been a lot better.
And my life would've been, I'm, I can'tsay it could, it would've been better
or worse, but my life would certainlybe different to what it is now.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (21:37):
I saw it as a baptism of fire in a way, when all this
stuff happened to me, I think I've beencruising quite happily with somebody
by my side 'cause I have my brother.
But, his circumstances changed.
And . Mine did.
So it was a case of I'vereally gotta survive this.
And that was my lowest and I did have to.
Go to the emergency at the hospitala couple of times because my mental
(21:59):
health was so through the floor that Icouldn't even begin to think what to do.
And then I used to have people visitme and , I had to have supervised meds
for a time, so it was very difficult.
But saying that.
I then got this flat and I spent 10years pretty much on my own alone.
And everything I've done has cementedthe fact that it all has to come
(22:22):
from me somehow and I've justgotta cope, which isn't great, but
you do it and you have to get on.
And I didn't want to end upin a place where I had to
be an inpatient, as it were.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (22:37):
In the text, Ray says Admin can worsen things for us.
When we get into these situations,Robbie says he was not offered
a flat or accommodation.
He was being evicted about a year and ahalf after his father had passed away.
So we can only imagine thestress that's put him under.
Ray comes back to some of the othercomments and says that he supposes that
(23:00):
it's part of autistic and self-reliancethat we're expressing or networking.
Robbie says that all the useful supportthat he had, he had to find for himself.
The adult and autistic team wereimposing support on either what I
wanted nor needed, and followingthem would've left wee with bills
for more than 500 pound a month.
(23:23):
I think for me, pickingup on what Ray has said.
The fact that I was autistic meantthat I was able to survive things
that I think some other peoplewould not have been able to survive.
And I don't think I saw my livingas a homeless person as a privation.
I had enough contact with other humanbeings for my autistic sensibility.
(23:47):
I was independent of other peoplewho had been otherwise trying
to control me up until that.
Through school or whatever.
So getting off and being atramp or an outside society
person who's cycling with a.
Tent on their bike or walking with a tenton their back fits the autistic thing.
(24:13):
And I think because I was autistic, Iwas self-reliant and I didn't get into
these traps , of dangerous situations.
I was away and I made it look like itwas part of a normal life, turned up to
a place and started working, plantinglettuces, so it didn't look too unusual.
(24:35):
I also lived in a tent on a campsitewhilst I had a job and my wife was
pregnant at the time and she hadthe first two trimesters of her,
of the pregnancy living in a tent.
But because we were autistic, we createdour own world around this, and we knew
somehow it was going to lead somewhere.
(24:57):
We weren't at the bottom.
Rung having fallen into a hole.
We were at the bottom rung knowing that wewere gonna go somewhere or do something.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (25:07):
I love that.
Jules, creating your own world.
There's words I use when I thinkabout that like world, and I think the
technical term is cosmology as well.
, You sometimes talk about, was itgreen bathing or woodland bathing?
I was reflecting on what you were sayingabout it being really quiet where you
are and how sometimes that's not whatyou want and you don't like it, but I
(25:30):
often see that as a chance to do whatI call ambient immersion, which is
just letting go to the silence somehow.
It can be a wee bit scary, but.
It's okay.
It's just tuning into the environment,,somehow, even though you're maybe in four
walls and it feels a, we bit alienatingsometimes, but yeah, just reflecting on
(25:54):
that thing of creating worlds, yeah, Ithink it's an important part of autistic.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (25:59):
I came across it, about three or four weeks ago in
the town here.. I'm in the shop front,so , I can look over and see what's
going out on in the street sometimes.
And I noticed a fellow had arrivedfrom out town and he had a ruck
sack and he was just sitting outsidethe small community shop opposite.
So I kept an eye on him and after a coupleof hours,, I saw that he was traveling,
(26:25):
let's say, but not traveling in a.
Conventional tourist sense.
So I found a reason to go to the postoffice over where he was, and I came
out and spoke to him knowing thatI had some money in my pocket and
struck up a conversation with him.
He didn't ask me for any money, whichis probably what the first thing people
(26:47):
think of when they hear a story like this.
But to me, it felt as Iwas talking to him that.
He's one of us.
He's an autistic guy and he's doingthis purposefully and I sat by him
for a while, not looking at him, butside by side as you would be in a car.
And every now and again, we wouldhave a little bit of a statement
(27:13):
and respond to each other.
So the conversation then startedand he said that had been.
Traveling like this for several years.
But he was clean, he was tidy,he wasn't taking alcohol.
And I offered him help.
I said, would, do youlike somewhere to sleep?
And he said, no, that was fine.
(27:34):
So I gave him some notesand said, if that's okay, do
you mind if I give you this?
So, you see it as a bit ofserendipity, the world smiling on you.
And he was okay to takeit in that respect.
I think he probably got a bit of aboost from that, but nobody needed
to impose on him another way of life.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, he sounds tuned in. (27:55):
undefined
Do remember when we were discussingtravel in one of our interviews
and mentioned something aboutwhen I was younger that had.
Kind of feeling thatsomething would always happen.
It might not happen immediately.
Sometimes you could go days beforesomething happened, but once, you got into
(28:16):
that ambient immersion , it would come.
It wasn't guaranteed, but it was justlike you were part of the situation.
So, okay.
It's very hard to explain.
It sounds so hippie, but yeah.
So he sounds like that he's justbeing there, and you were attracted
and it happened and so yeah.
(28:37):
Things come, yeah.
It's not hippy therea, it's beat, , Igot it from reading beatnik novels.
Well, not, I hate that word.
Beatnik beat novel.
Jack Kerak.
Soroi in the text has drawn us backto his thoughts on adult social care.
Like he says, a problem withadult social care is they impose
how they think you should live.
(28:59):
I'm looking back to seewhat that relates to.
Because Robbie said he likes beingwith people, but it needs to be
with people he can connect with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Connection, network, and relations.
So he is also said, I don't like beingtold what to do as if I am a child.
Yeah.
That can very often be.
How things come over when peopleare going through the artificiality
(29:24):
sometimes of caring and wanting to help.
It's not their fault, it's just , weall fall into routines sometimes, and
again, I think that's admin, the way thesystem organizes itself and processes.
And behavior.
Once you're up against that, you're upagainst the machine and you've gotta
understand that or it'll break you down,, or it'll lose you somewhere in the mess.
(29:47):
So it's just like relatingto something a bit annoying.
Theresa's put in text, that canbe really hard for many autistics.
I think relating maybe to whatI was saying about admin, and I
think that's why we need advocates.
Or to be advocates ourselves.
She later says that, I wonder if it'sbecause we see how it could work.
(30:10):
Yeah.
I think very often we know best, don't we?
I'm not saying we do know bestand we think we know best.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (30:19):
I think I've always been in a pattern of
falling into one situation and thenfalling into another and another,
and another as I've got older.
So, leaving home initially and then movingfrom a place I've calculated that I've
moved something like 18 times in my life.
To different places.
So I've been, I, I've been movedaround like a little vagabond
(30:41):
around the southeast of Londonfor a long while before making
it this way to the Southwest.
It was really a journey , of stayingin really unfit places we've terrible.
Mold problems or this problem or thatproblem, but I just bump out of there
into another one, into another one,and it was like a knock on effect.
So I've never had a forward plan.
(31:01):
I never have.
I don't have plans for theweek or plans for the year.
I just sort of go with whatever'sin front of me, and I think
that's what I've always done.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (31:09):
So Lucy, is there, would you say there was a pattern there,
that you weren't aware of, but thatyou're definitely fulfilling a pattern?
'cause I put in the textthere, are you changing?
And that was a response to yousaying you've been many things.
'cause I know people who are changingseven looking at their face sometimes.
(31:29):
Over periods of time, they are differentpeople and they very easily move
from one thing to another or, well,maybe not easily, but they just move.
There's other things coming into text,but I'm not quite up on what they all are.
A change link.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (31:47):
Yeah.
I think that sort of fits me.
I've always wondered if I'm a bita DHD as well, because I'll get
into something really huge but thenbe distracted by something else.
And my life has been a wholeseries of reinventions of myself,
depending on where , I've been stayedlived, who I've had company with.
Who I socialize with when I did socialize.
(32:09):
Don't do it now.
And so,, I think it's about just adapting.
I had to adapt a lot and say,okay, what have I got now?
And having to go with the flow and findout what was next for me and next for me.
But I've never had a plan.
So I've never sat down and gone, oh, thistime next year, I just can't do that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (32:29):
It's funny how there's all these concepts we use right
to describe ourselves that are justtaken for granted that they're negative,
, when actually they're highly creative.
There was a word I used the other day.
Yeah.
Unpredictable.
You know, when people use the wordunpredictable, it almost is a negative.
But really I think it's apositive to be unpredictable.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (32:52):
It's been able to metamorphosize into different
shapes to fit into what you haveand realizing what's possible and
not possible, and try and pull onleads and . Go to the next step.
And , sometimes it's miraculous andsometimes it's terrible and sometimes
you like it and sometimes you don't.
But it's one big adventure.
(33:14):
And if I wrote it all down, you'dprobably see a pattern of where
I went and how I did things.
And it might be all logical, but in myhead, it's just like a lot of disjointed.
Years or disjointed months and justbumping along, trying to just get by,
which is why I went into sort of properjobs at one point, and I've been doctors,
(33:35):
receptionists and customer service andI've not been comfortable in it anywhere
I've been, but you just have to fit,cut the cloth according to your means.
I think the word is,
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (33:45):
there's a term affordance, which is like
what the environment can give you.
, And the sense of that there's alot of technical terms as well
from joinery and things like thatreally like, what's the word?
Um, leverage, purchaseis a really good word.
To get good purchase onsomething like a grip.
(34:06):
So that sense, it's likekind of wild and feral.
I quite like it.
And of course part of hyper vigilance.
Robbie said something in the text there.
, I hate rigid routine, but Ilike to know what I am doing.
Yeah.
I'm not saying I empathize I'm just takingin what Robbie's saying there, that juxta
(34:27):
decision, which happens to us sometimes.
It made sense when herealize that he's also A DHD.
Yeah.
And Lucy's put, I think it may be myworry about being in a place too long.
Yeah.
That kind of stayed feeling, trappedRobbie says, I learned strategies to
avoid autistic meltdown, which may relateto what I was saying about affordance,
(34:51):
how to manage yourself in situations.
I don't know, I'm assuming,
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (34:56):
because I've always found it very difficult to feel
comfortable a lot of my life, and Idon't like being shut into something.
I'd rather do something temporarilyand then move on to the next.
And I just get this horriblefear that this is why I'm stuck.
I don't wanna ever be stuck.
I wanna have a little bit offreedom and dictate my path.
(35:18):
So I guess that's what it's about.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (35:20):
I always make sure, Lucy, I know where they exit door is.
If not, I create one.
Same.
That's very interesting whatRobbie's put in text there.
By working with my neurodivergenttraits, I rarely had autistic meltdown
for over 10 years by working withhow my neurodivergent brain works.
Then Theresa says, do you everleave a party without saying goodbye
(35:47):
at.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (35:49):
I just don't go to parties.
When I did go to parties, I always usedto try and find a place to, hide away
anyway, but I remember one time I wentto a Halloween party at somebody's house.
And it just made me feel so unwell.
I got a migraine, spent the rest of thatevening upstairs in the host bedroom,
laying on a pile of coats asleep becauseI just thought, I just can't take it.
(36:12):
I can't take the people orthe atmosphere or anything.
So , if I go to a party, I'll probablyleave without saying goodbye or
ever seeing them again, possibly.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (36:21):
Paris give me migraines too, Lucy.
And I remember when I was a kidgetting taken to lots of, things
like that and nobody understand, andI didn't understand what was wrong,
but I would just be in just a stateof doom with like tears and distress.
And I remember just feelingso shut down and overwhelmed.
And it wasn't until getting mydiagnosis later that I could
(36:42):
look back and understand what hadbeen going on for me as a kid.
. And made me understand why I'd nevermanaged to go to weddings and things.
So it really kinda cut me offfrom extended family 'cause
nobody, they understood why.
They just probably thoughtthat I didn't like them.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (36:58):
I think I've had a pretty similar
experience there, to be honest.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (37:02):
It is like sometimes I think it just seems like
too much hassle to try and explain.
When I do realize now and I'm just like,ah, I'm quite happy, I'll just let it be.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (37:10):
I call impromptu adult parties, , excessive ones, and
I would always be the last one awake.
It's six or 7:00 AM I'd still beup, , it's that kinda hyper vigilance.
It's like the guy who's lookingafter the fire, you know what I mean?
, As if it was a competitionto still be up at that time.
(37:33):
That's horrible, Rob.
When someone hecklesyou, you got heckle back.
No, . That just means you'returning the rude person as well.
So don't do that.
Forget I said that.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (37:46):
Just try being on one of Dave circuits
that used to doing London.
They'd be plenty of heckler,but he's good at that stuff in
a way that I wish I could be.
'cause he's very fast and he's gotthe gift of the gab and that, and
I haven't, he would be very quick.
To snap back at people and I was alwaysquite impressed by his ability to do that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (38:05):
My friend who was a busker, when people were
being negative towards him, he usedto rewrite the lyrics as he was
singing and aim them at that person.
Not in a nasty way, just,you know, making a point
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (38:20):
Well, it's 5 44 now, so our drop-in hour is finished,
and thank you to all the people whohave texted, and also to the people
who have put their voices to thisthat are gonna allow us to put some
of those words out into the podcast.
If you join us here at the 4,4, 4, your voice isn't recorded,
(38:41):
your text isn't recorded, but thepeople here have given permission
so that it's an example for others.
See you again.
Always reliably Sunday.
Four four, 4:00 PM Cheers, guys.
Well, it's 5 44 now, so our drop-inhour is finished, and thank you to all
(39:03):
the people who have texted, and also tothe people who have put their voices to
this that are gonna allow us to put someof those words out into the podcast.
If you join us here at the 4,4, 4, your voice isn't recorded,
your text isn't recorded, but thepeople here have given permission
so that it's an example for others.
(39:25):
See you again.
Always reliably Sunday.
Four four, 4:00 PM Cheers, guys.
Spectrum Voices (39:33):
We speak our words, we listen,
Speaker 5 (39:37):
we speak our words, we listen.
We speak our words.
We listen.
We speak our words.
We listen.
Hi there.
Every Sunday a group of autisticpeople get together and drop in.
It's an informal group.
Um, but some of the things thatpeople say deserve a bigger audience,
so they give us permission for usto put them in a an edited reel.
And that's what we are here for today'sedited reel of the conversations
(00:23):
that we have about our own autism.
Cheers, enjoy.
Hi Ray.
Hi Ray.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (00:35):
Hi Ray.
Hi everyone.
, Jules-AutisticRadio.com: Just a quick thing there. (00:39):
undefined
Has been ill.
But she might drop in today, she's ontoantibiotics, you've got a strep throat,
she might not be able to speak, so shemight just hang around and listen to
us and just take something from that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (00:54):
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a bit ofthat about isn't there?
A friend of mine was trying to contactanother friend this weekend getting
no response to texts or phone calls,so eventually roused them yesterday
and he sent a text saying it's justbeen floored and in bed for a week.
So
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (01:09):
you gotta check in on people.
I found your text funny inthe, in the private text.
Then Nicola, you say, isthere a 4, 4, 4 this evening?
I'm here every 4, 4, 4, , everySunday evening, and it just
seems like, wow, it's a drop in.
People can rely on us being here.
Whatever.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (01:30):
No, I've just kind of floated off.
, Into like a strange place.
So it, it's nice and reassuringthat it's still here.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (01:39):
I think my voice sounded really, when I was
hearing myself speak there, I soundedlike a right fucking weirdo 'cause I
was struggling to, to do the socialthing of trying to not blunder and, and
make somebody feel welcome, et cetera.
And I felt as though I wasjust in a snowballing mess of.
(02:01):
Cat handedness then.
I'm sorry about that.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (02:04):
I kinda just felt welcome and I recognized, , like
I sometimes find words just so hard toget out and there's like impressions
in my head that if I could justbeam to you, it would be so much
more efficient and it's slowing downenough to get my words to come out.
Sometimes.
So I just thought it was somethingcommon to us that I didn't really judge.
(02:26):
I didn't judge at all.
As someone in the chat said, yousounded jocular jus and I do agree.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com: Wow, that sounds good then. (02:32):
undefined
'cause it's this autistic thing, youjust feel as though you've really
fucked it up and then you startworrying about it straight after it.
However, you know, usedto this whole thing.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, that sounds familiar. (02:46):
undefined
There's quite a lot ofnoise in the background.
I think that there's, some Christmasspirit happening in the house and
some decorating's being started.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (02:57):
Oh, I wish I could join with that.
I can't actually hear it.
There's nothing happening here.
I'm totally alone.
A a three story building going fromthe, the bottom , where there's work
going on and there's factory ish sortof area to the top where I'm living.
My wife's away and I look out thewindow and it's an empty square in
(03:22):
the town with a Christmas tree up.
The market's gone and, there'ssomething really very solitary
about this place at the moment.
So hearing something in the backgroundfrom you, would actually cheer my spirits.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (03:37):
Yeah, I feel like this has just sneaked up in me.
I can't believe it's like thefirst tomorrow and some of my
past Christmas behavior has setmy bar a little bit too high, so
I've got an awful lot to do today,
. An advent calendar that I need to build.
, But yeah, now my house is being decoratedby my teenager, so it's changed.
It's not as hard work as it used to be.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (03:59):
Well, that brings back lovely memories from
my daughter being a teenager, goingaround the big house with a couple
of Christmas trees and all the stuffthat we used to do for Christmas.
So, just having them there maybe oneyear or two years or three years, they
might do this, and then it'll be amemory for you that will go off into the
future that you will access as a mum.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, , I've been so aware of it. (04:21):
undefined
I think since I got through the part thatjust felt like sheer survival when they're
toddlers, , every year, , everything'sbit like they, oh, got to hold onto this.
Really enjoy this and feelingthe fleetingness of it all.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (04:35):
I'm gonna catch up with a text.
Everyone's saying hi to each otherand a bit of Christmas spirit, and
there's people reassuring me tosay that I did sound jock killer,
but they know what I mean when Isay how I was stressing about it.
Then I blurted out thoughI was stressing about it.
Robbie says that he starteddoing something and he took
longer than he thought.
(04:55):
He reacts to what I said aboutfeeling it as though this is a
really solitary space at the moment.
And he says, I don't seeanyone unless I go out.
Ray describes it as a ghosttown, which means we're gonna
sing the specials in a minute.
I think Robbie says here, newYear's , Eve is dead, even
compared to where he used to live.
Robbie moved out into the countrysideand he spends much of Christmas alone.
(05:19):
It's just another day.
Well, I'm gonna remind you, Robbie,we have the autistic radio, radio days
event between Christmas and New Year.
So I hope on those four days atleast, you'll be part of the team
here, keeping people company in the,dispiriting time between Christmas and
New Year 27th, eighth, ninth, 30th.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (05:40):
Robbie, I completely related to what you wrote
there about I started doing somethingand it took longer than I thought.
That's like the story of my life.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (05:47):
Same from me.
, It's been a complicated afternoon.
It's been a complicated day actually.
It's been quite complicated week.
. So Josie's asking me to putus all out of our misery and
tell us , what's been going on.
Let's see.
Well, I got locked outta my house on.
Tuesday.
Yep.
I went to do some stuff outside.
(06:08):
We got the dog that sort of self closesand we usually put it on the latch when
we go outside and I forgot which meansthat I was outside and Dave wasn't ho.
So I was in my dressing gown and my nightthings, and I panicked somewhat because
I thought, oh shit, I can't get in.
I tried the windows.
The windows all closed because it'swinter, we don't have 'em open.
(06:30):
Couldn't get in that way.
And then Dave came home becausehe had been on a walk and
I said, have you got keys?
And he said, no, I haven't got keys.
So then my panic rose to a completepanic attack and I was shaking
and going, what are we gonna do?
What we're gonna do?
And so we tried everybody in the blockand nobody answered their doors so then
we just didn't know what to do at all.
(06:52):
And , the people over the road spottedwe were outside and I was in my not
outdoor clothes and said, can I help?
And they were lovely.
They let us borrow a phoneand we phoned a locksmith.
A locksmith came and then saidour lock was the trickiest
lock he'd seen in some time.
'cause they would do thatwhen you call out a locksmith.
And we had to pay 150 poundsto get back into our house.
(07:15):
But we now have new keys andwe're all safe and sound.
It took me about twodays to get over that.
'cause I've been wobbly because Ijust kept thinking how stupid of me,
how stupid of me, how stupid of me.
And yeah, so that happened.
And we're having someproblems with an elderly.
Relative as well at the moment, who ison their own and we can't get to them.
(07:37):
And there's all sorts of things.
So I'm in full stressed mode, ladies andgentlemen, and I don't think I'm gonna
come outta it before the end of today.
Gary-GR-AutisticRadio.com: Two years ago, bought the car. (07:47):
undefined
Came out one morning,battery was dead home.
Call out, took it to the garage.
They put a new battery on oneyear late in November, 2024.
Came out one morning,battery was dead tested.
Had to have a new battery put on.
Came out the house on Wednesday morning.
(08:07):
Car wouldn't start.
Battery was dead and I'd beenwithout a car for a few days and.
That's just a pain , and I justwanted to say, I emailed you
that video earlier this week.
I hope it was okay.
But I thought you might like it'cause it was about engagement
with medical professionals.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (08:26):
What was that you were saying about Kat Burgling Ray?
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (08:30):
It was just something Lucy was
seeing during the big menchu.
On social media to our lockout that inthe past we were all able to , in vag
our ways through little small spaces.
But as we get on in years, these thingsaren't as easy as they used to be.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (08:46):
That's directly because the house down the end of the road
or down our little lane bit that we got.
We used to have an Airbnb and peopleused to get locked out of that quite
regularly when they stayed there.
Excuse me.
It's not one of those now, butback then I was small enough.
And I stressed that I was muchsmaller then, and I could actually get
through the very, very tiny windows.
(09:08):
, It was a bit of a boostup onto the windows sill.
I could get through,open the door for people.
But yeah, this week I realized thatthose days are over and , I'm not
gonna be able to break anybody'shouses anymore through small windows.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (09:20):
Yeah.
All these home improvements, it'salmost like the latch is gone.
'cause in the old days we usedto have like latch windows.
If they were kept on the latch, youjust poked them in the opened these
days with double glazing and stufflike that, that's not on, but, but I
wonder if you still get a latch key kid.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (09:38):
See, I didn't need a latch back then.
I was, I was skinny as a break.
I, I, I didn't professionallybreak houses, by the way.
That wasn't something that I did.
Although, having said that, thatmight have been something I could
have gone into because I wasvery good at it at one point.
But , it's my 52nd birthday nextweek and I'm celebrating that by
realizing that I can't do thatanymore 'cause I reached that age.
(10:01):
So you never did any squatting?
No, we just lived in squattedplaces, not squatted places.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (10:08):
I think the only place I lived in a squat was in Austria.
I was working with an Israeli guy,Avi Chelon, selling stuff on the
streets of city around this time ofyear , and it was really, really cold.
Sometimes we would sleep in histiny little gulf traveling between
(10:29):
towns through the mountains.
Sometimes there would be a hostel.
But I do remember sleeping , ina squat for a few days with
somebody he just met on the street.
We were selling posters and things likethis to, , the Germans and the Germans
were abusing him because he was Israeli.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (10:47):
I have stayed in squats a lot of
my mates when I was younger.
All musicians are all broke.
I think I've stayed in a coupleof them, but I don't think I
could do with a shared living.
, I just shared with my brother.
So that was easy peasy.
But, , I don't think Icould have done that.
Not that we stayed in ahundred percent safe places.
I was robbed once at about, oh God,about six o'clock in the morning.
(11:11):
Someone got into my flat whenI was living in London and.
Came through the window and thenstole the very last of my money
'cause I wasn't working there.
And we had a nice chat.
She came in and she was gonna open thedoor for other people to come in, but
we stopped and chatted for a while and Iassured her that I wasn't gonna call the
police and would you please now leave?
And she did.
(11:32):
, It was the most polite, burglaryexperience I think anybody's ever had.
To change
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (11:37):
the subject a little bit, I'm gonna go back to uni.
I found a course at the OpenUniversity that I'm gonna do,
start , in February in computing.
And my first module is math.
So I've been doing likeequations and stuff like that,
and I'm having a great time.
I feel like I've found myself.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com: What level in maths is it? (11:56):
undefined
Oh, grade.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:00):
So I, no, I passed the test so that
I don't need to do that level.
So it's like first year, unique level.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (12:06):
Wow.
Maths.
Then, so are you doing calculus?
That's when I gave up.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:11):
Yeah.
There'll be calculus,,trigonometry and algebra.
So, it's nice.
I really could tell when I wasworking through it, I feel like I'm
getting loads of dopamine every time Imanage to get one of these questions.
So it feels like it's healthy and , I'mso looking forward to working with
logical things instead of people.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (12:31):
It's kinda like puzzles, isn't it?
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (12:34):
Yes, it does.
It feels like puzzles.
And I've been doing some , computingstuff at adult learning.
And I've just been reallylike treating it as a tool.
, When you're learning an instrumentto make music or learning how to
do printmaking to make pictures,this is just like another medium.
And I'm quite like looking forward tosee what I can do, what's out there.
(12:56):
It's a whole new world.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (12:58):
This sounds so autistic, this uplifted enthusiasm for
this new world of puzzling and maths andit, you are energized by the idea that
you're gonna have this knowledge coming in, and this project, it sounds wonderful.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (13:17):
Yeah, I really learned like learning's , really important
to me, and it was such a source of joyand over the last few years I've embraced
being a beginner, like I really likedoing something that I feel really daft
at when I first start and then gettingthose breakthroughs because I know that.
Your brain goes in these little burstsso you can feel so stuck, but then your
(13:37):
brain's doing all this work, so next timeyou go, you've probably worked through it.
That's very cool.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (13:42):
I get all that, but after about a week, I'm fed up.
It's something to do with routines.
I think.
There's this thing, if you go toa classroom, you know that can
be really good because it's likea relationship and it changes,
and so it has that novelty thing.
There were other reasons why I didn't likeclassrooms, but it can keep you going.
(14:06):
But whenever I've done self study at homeand that I just don't have the discipline.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (14:11):
I did, open University years ago when I, I
wanted to be a mature studentat, uni and it was great.
I really, really enjoyed it.
I think the Open University is fantastic.
I did have a, like a classroom Icould go to if I wanted to, but
it was all very . Free and easy.
If you wanted to come, youcould, whatever, but I found
(14:31):
it a really great experience.
They sent me to a summer school up inLeeds and it was a really good laugh
and, I was just on a course I loved, sowhen I finished there, I just went on,
carried on to uni, but it was great.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (14:44):
Yeah, I think further education and how we cope
might be a good subject, but I'm justlooking at what Joe has put there
about when he was homeless at 16,he would avoid sleeping in squats
because of the danger of other people.
I remember meeting my friend oncewhen I was 17 and he was living in
A, B, and B with 40 other people,and he was getting robbed during
(15:05):
the night and stuff like that.
It was really intimidating.
And that was an eye-opener for me, who'sstill staying at home with his parents?
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (15:13):
Yeah.
I, I would, as an autistic young person,hide somewhere in a tent away from people,
which is counterintuitive to most people.
They go towards otherpeople to feel safe, but.
For me, it was making surethat nobody knew where I was.
I would camp in the rough parts ofgolf courses or on beaches , and if
(15:36):
I was squatting a building, it wouldbe because I had opened the place
up and managed to get in myself.
It wouldn't be because it was a knownplace where others were hanging about
and taking their drugs or whatever.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (15:49):
The friend I knew who did that in the b and b, he
eventually did what you did, which waslike just camp out tents were , his
thing and the bicycles as well.
So we'd get outta town and he got verygood at , holding up and things like,,
rural bus stops and stuff like that.
But you know, you can't be toovisible when you're doing that because
you stick a little soul film insome of these environments and the
(16:12):
next minute you're being arrested.
Especially in Europe.
Especially in Eastern Europe.
So yeah,
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (16:19):
when I fell on some really hard times, I was doing
a flat share and then that flat sharesort of dissipated and I was left
on my own and I couldn't afford thevent and I was stuck in this flat.
And I phoned the council and Isaid, look, I really need help.
, And I said, can you get me out of here?
And they said, no, you've gottastay in there until somebody comes
to actually legally evict you.
From there, if you leave, you'll be seenas making yourself intentionally homeless.
(16:45):
So I was held up in this flat.
I didn't answer the door,I didn't answer the phone.
I didn't pick up thepost from the front door.
I was in a real mess.
Absolutely.
And in the end, they wanted to putme in one of those hotels, and I've
heard some terrible stories aboutpeople who have to stay there.
This one was in the elephantcastle and really, really poking.
And I said, no, I'm not doing that.
(17:06):
So my other choice was that I couldgo into sheltered housing and I
said, well, no, because I, I don'tthink I need sheltered housing.
I just need somewhere to put my head down.
I don't really need sheltered housing.
But it went on, for some months.
I had to keep goingbackwards and forwards.
They said they were gonna.
Assign me somebody like a a careworker, and I knew I didn't need it.
(17:27):
And in the end, , I managed toget a temporary accommodation,
which led to a flat.
But it was a really terrifying timebecause of being female and on your
own in London and being told thatyou're just gonna be put into a,
BB, especially, you know how badthe B'S accommodation is in London.
Oh.
It was frightening.
And I'm so glad that I justkept badgering them away.
(17:49):
God know where I'd.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (17:50):
In the text, Robbie is remembering a time when he
thought he might be stranded in a citycalled Cambridge, quite a civilized
place, but has its underbelly overnight,and he was terrified about that.
And then he members that he was alsoterrified when he thought he would be
left homeless after he lost his family.
(18:12):
And he keeps using the wordterrified where he would end up.
There has commented on Lucy's storyand said, wow, that was so scary.
Robbie says that he thought he might beshoved into a hostel and lose everything,
and Lucy comes back to say that.
We are telling horriblestories about things.
They're a long way away now,and that she got over it.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (18:36):
And I think that was a great experience in a way because
when you managed to get yourselfback from something really terrifying
and it was really terrifying for awhile, I was at my worst mentally.
And I was laid in bed all dayjust hoping, praying nobody was
gonna come to my door and knock.
And I've had things in thepast like bailiffs come round,
but I could deal with those.
But the idea that they were going tostick me somewhere dangerous was terrible.
(19:00):
But , the nice thing aboutthat is that I did recover.
And although it was scary at the time,I look back now and say, that was
all, , done, I'll put a lid on it.
I ended up in, in a tiny bed set.
In Camberwell in sort of SoutheastLondon, , it is fine and I'm
here now, so I got through it.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (19:17):
There's always that reminder when you see someone who's
really struggling on the streets to think,and to realize within yourself how many
steps you are away from that, that youcould end up in that situation so easily.
So it's, it gives you a kindof,, experience that can
(19:38):
fortify you for that scenario.
But, sometimes situations are beyondus, especially when we meet some of
the people who are straight peoplecan't imagine what we've gone through.
But yeah, it does prepareyou to a certain extent
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (19:56):
on.
, We're in the realms of what doesn'tkill you makes you stronger, and
that's only okay if you've survived itbecause most people end up, especially
autistic people with, a repetitionof trauma from these experiences.
(20:18):
And some people report thatactually the repetition of it.
Pushes them into mental health crisis andmental illness, for want of a better word.
And there's something about the autisticsensibility that the repetition of
these kind of traumatic events, ratherthan strengthening people, actually
(20:39):
sensitizes them to triggers and theylive in a world of trauma from then on.
So the luck.
That means that people like myself,Lucy, yourself, who've had these tough
experiences, I, worry about lookingback on it , and seeing it in way
, that made me, I think I'm just damnlucky I survived it as a 16-year-old.
Gary-GR-AutisticRadio.com (21:04):
I had a similar thing with the council, , when my mother
fell ill and then died 58 months I fought.
And the thing that gets me really isthat they let me stay in the house.
And why did they do all that?
Because they could have just saidthat in February, 2014, and my mental
(21:26):
health would've been a lot better.
And my life would've been, I'm, I can'tsay it could, it would've been better
or worse, but my life would certainlybe different to what it is now.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (21:37):
I saw it as a baptism of fire in a way, when all this
stuff happened to me, I think I've beencruising quite happily with somebody
by my side 'cause I have my brother.
But, his circumstances changed.
And . Mine did.
So it was a case of I'vereally gotta survive this.
And that was my lowest and I did have to.
Go to the emergency at the hospitala couple of times because my mental
(21:59):
health was so through the floor that Icouldn't even begin to think what to do.
And then I used to have people visitme and , I had to have supervised meds
for a time, so it was very difficult.
But saying that.
I then got this flat and I spent 10years pretty much on my own alone.
And everything I've done has cementedthe fact that it all has to come
(22:22):
from me somehow and I've justgotta cope, which isn't great, but
you do it and you have to get on.
And I didn't want to end upin a place where I had to
be an inpatient, as it were.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (22:37):
In the text, Ray says Admin can worsen things for us.
When we get into these situations,Robbie says he was not offered
a flat or accommodation.
He was being evicted about a year and ahalf after his father had passed away.
So we can only imagine thestress that's put him under.
Ray comes back to some of the othercomments and says that he supposes that
(23:00):
it's part of autistic and self-reliancethat we're expressing or networking.
Robbie says that all the useful supportthat he had, he had to find for himself.
The adult and autistic team wereimposing support on either what I
wanted nor needed, and followingthem would've left wee with bills
for more than 500 pound a month.
(23:23):
I think for me, pickingup on what Ray has said.
The fact that I was autistic meantthat I was able to survive things
that I think some other peoplewould not have been able to survive.
And I don't think I saw my livingas a homeless person as a privation.
I had enough contact with other humanbeings for my autistic sensibility.
(23:47):
I was independent of other peoplewho had been otherwise trying
to control me up until that.
Through school or whatever.
So getting off and being atramp or an outside society
person who's cycling with a.
Tent on their bike or walking with a tenton their back fits the autistic thing.
(24:13):
And I think because I was autistic, Iwas self-reliant and I didn't get into
these traps , of dangerous situations.
I was away and I made it look like itwas part of a normal life, turned up to
a place and started working, plantinglettuces, so it didn't look too unusual.
(24:35):
I also lived in a tent on a campsitewhilst I had a job and my wife was
pregnant at the time and she hadthe first two trimesters of her,
of the pregnancy living in a tent.
But because we were autistic, we createdour own world around this, and we knew
somehow it was going to lead somewhere.
(24:57):
We weren't at the bottom.
Rung having fallen into a hole.
We were at the bottom rung knowing that wewere gonna go somewhere or do something.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (25:07):
I love that.
Jules, creating your own world.
There's words I use when I thinkabout that like world, and I think the
technical term is cosmology as well.
, You sometimes talk about, was itgreen bathing or woodland bathing?
I was reflecting on what you were sayingabout it being really quiet where you
are and how sometimes that's not whatyou want and you don't like it, but I
(25:30):
often see that as a chance to do whatI call ambient immersion, which is
just letting go to the silence somehow.
It can be a wee bit scary, but.
It's okay.
It's just tuning into the environment,,somehow, even though you're maybe in four
walls and it feels a, we bit alienatingsometimes, but yeah, just reflecting on
(25:54):
that thing of creating worlds, yeah, Ithink it's an important part of autistic.
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (25:59):
I came across it, about three or four weeks ago in
the town here.. I'm in the shop front,so , I can look over and see what's
going out on in the street sometimes.
And I noticed a fellow had arrivedfrom out town and he had a ruck
sack and he was just sitting outsidethe small community shop opposite.
So I kept an eye on him and after a coupleof hours,, I saw that he was traveling,
(26:25):
let's say, but not traveling in a.
Conventional tourist sense.
So I found a reason to go to the postoffice over where he was, and I came
out and spoke to him knowing thatI had some money in my pocket and
struck up a conversation with him.
He didn't ask me for any money, whichis probably what the first thing people
(26:47):
think of when they hear a story like this.
But to me, it felt as Iwas talking to him that.
He's one of us.
He's an autistic guy and he's doingthis purposefully and I sat by him
for a while, not looking at him, butside by side as you would be in a car.
And every now and again, we wouldhave a little bit of a statement
(27:13):
and respond to each other.
So the conversation then startedand he said that had been.
Traveling like this for several years.
But he was clean, he was tidy,he wasn't taking alcohol.
And I offered him help.
I said, would, do youlike somewhere to sleep?
And he said, no, that was fine.
(27:34):
So I gave him some notesand said, if that's okay, do
you mind if I give you this?
So, you see it as a bit ofserendipity, the world smiling on you.
And he was okay to takeit in that respect.
I think he probably got a bit of aboost from that, but nobody needed
to impose on him another way of life.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com: Yeah, he sounds tuned in. (27:55):
undefined
Do remember when we were discussingtravel in one of our interviews
and mentioned something aboutwhen I was younger that had.
Kind of feeling thatsomething would always happen.
It might not happen immediately.
Sometimes you could go days beforesomething happened, but once, you got into
(28:16):
that ambient immersion , it would come.
It wasn't guaranteed, but it was justlike you were part of the situation.
So, okay.
It's very hard to explain.
It sounds so hippie, but yeah.
So he sounds like that he's justbeing there, and you were attracted
and it happened and so yeah.
(28:37):
Things come, yeah.
It's not hippy therea, it's beat, , Igot it from reading beatnik novels.
Well, not, I hate that word.
Beatnik beat novel.
Jack Kerak.
Soroi in the text has drawn us backto his thoughts on adult social care.
Like he says, a problem withadult social care is they impose
how they think you should live.
(28:59):
I'm looking back to seewhat that relates to.
Because Robbie said he likes beingwith people, but it needs to be
with people he can connect with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Connection, network, and relations.
So he is also said, I don't like beingtold what to do as if I am a child.
Yeah.
That can very often be.
How things come over when peopleare going through the artificiality
(29:24):
sometimes of caring and wanting to help.
It's not their fault, it's just , weall fall into routines sometimes, and
again, I think that's admin, the way thesystem organizes itself and processes.
And behavior.
Once you're up against that, you're upagainst the machine and you've gotta
understand that or it'll break you down,, or it'll lose you somewhere in the mess.
(29:47):
So it's just like relatingto something a bit annoying.
Theresa's put in text, that canbe really hard for many autistics.
I think relating maybe to whatI was saying about admin, and I
think that's why we need advocates.
Or to be advocates ourselves.
She later says that, I wonder if it'sbecause we see how it could work.
(30:10):
Yeah.
I think very often we know best, don't we?
I'm not saying we do know bestand we think we know best.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (30:19):
I think I've always been in a pattern of
falling into one situation and thenfalling into another and another,
and another as I've got older.
So, leaving home initially and then movingfrom a place I've calculated that I've
moved something like 18 times in my life.
To different places.
So I've been, I, I've been movedaround like a little vagabond
(30:41):
around the southeast of Londonfor a long while before making
it this way to the Southwest.
It was really a journey , of stayingin really unfit places we've terrible.
Mold problems or this problem or thatproblem, but I just bump out of there
into another one, into another one,and it was like a knock on effect.
So I've never had a forward plan.
(31:01):
I never have.
I don't have plans for theweek or plans for the year.
I just sort of go with whatever'sin front of me, and I think
that's what I've always done.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (31:09):
So Lucy, is there, would you say there was a pattern there,
that you weren't aware of, but thatyou're definitely fulfilling a pattern?
'cause I put in the textthere, are you changing?
And that was a response to yousaying you've been many things.
'cause I know people who are changingseven looking at their face sometimes.
(31:29):
Over periods of time, they are differentpeople and they very easily move
from one thing to another or, well,maybe not easily, but they just move.
There's other things coming into text,but I'm not quite up on what they all are.
A change link.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (31:47):
Yeah.
I think that sort of fits me.
I've always wondered if I'm a bita DHD as well, because I'll get
into something really huge but thenbe distracted by something else.
And my life has been a wholeseries of reinventions of myself,
depending on where , I've been stayedlived, who I've had company with.
Who I socialize with when I did socialize.
(32:09):
Don't do it now.
And so,, I think it's about just adapting.
I had to adapt a lot and say,okay, what have I got now?
And having to go with the flow and findout what was next for me and next for me.
But I've never had a plan.
So I've never sat down and gone, oh, thistime next year, I just can't do that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (32:29):
It's funny how there's all these concepts we use right
to describe ourselves that are justtaken for granted that they're negative,
, when actually they're highly creative.
There was a word I used the other day.
Yeah.
Unpredictable.
You know, when people use the wordunpredictable, it almost is a negative.
But really I think it's apositive to be unpredictable.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (32:52):
It's been able to metamorphosize into different
shapes to fit into what you haveand realizing what's possible and
not possible, and try and pull onleads and . Go to the next step.
And , sometimes it's miraculous andsometimes it's terrible and sometimes
you like it and sometimes you don't.
But it's one big adventure.
(33:14):
And if I wrote it all down, you'dprobably see a pattern of where
I went and how I did things.
And it might be all logical, but in myhead, it's just like a lot of disjointed.
Years or disjointed months and justbumping along, trying to just get by,
which is why I went into sort of properjobs at one point, and I've been doctors,
(33:35):
receptionists and customer service andI've not been comfortable in it anywhere
I've been, but you just have to fit,cut the cloth according to your means.
I think the word is,
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (33:45):
there's a term affordance, which is like
what the environment can give you.
, And the sense of that there's alot of technical terms as well
from joinery and things like thatreally like, what's the word?
Um, leverage, purchaseis a really good word.
To get good purchase onsomething like a grip.
(34:06):
So that sense, it's likekind of wild and feral.
I quite like it.
And of course part of hyper vigilance.
Robbie said something in the text there.
, I hate rigid routine, but Ilike to know what I am doing.
Yeah.
I'm not saying I empathize I'm just takingin what Robbie's saying there, that juxta
(34:27):
decision, which happens to us sometimes.
It made sense when herealize that he's also A DHD.
Yeah.
And Lucy's put, I think it may be myworry about being in a place too long.
Yeah.
That kind of stayed feeling, trappedRobbie says, I learned strategies to
avoid autistic meltdown, which may relateto what I was saying about affordance,
(34:51):
how to manage yourself in situations.
I don't know, I'm assuming,
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (34:56):
because I've always found it very difficult to feel
comfortable a lot of my life, and Idon't like being shut into something.
I'd rather do something temporarilyand then move on to the next.
And I just get this horriblefear that this is why I'm stuck.
I don't wanna ever be stuck.
I wanna have a little bit offreedom and dictate my path.
(35:18):
So I guess that's what it's about.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (35:20):
I always make sure, Lucy, I know where they exit door is.
If not, I create one.
Same.
That's very interesting whatRobbie's put in text there.
By working with my neurodivergenttraits, I rarely had autistic meltdown
for over 10 years by working withhow my neurodivergent brain works.
Then Theresa says, do you everleave a party without saying goodbye
(35:47):
at.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (35:49):
I just don't go to parties.
When I did go to parties, I always usedto try and find a place to, hide away
anyway, but I remember one time I wentto a Halloween party at somebody's house.
And it just made me feel so unwell.
I got a migraine, spent the rest of thatevening upstairs in the host bedroom,
laying on a pile of coats asleep becauseI just thought, I just can't take it.
(36:12):
I can't take the people orthe atmosphere or anything.
So , if I go to a party, I'll probablyleave without saying goodbye or
ever seeing them again, possibly.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (36:21):
Paris give me migraines too, Lucy.
And I remember when I was a kidgetting taken to lots of, things
like that and nobody understand, andI didn't understand what was wrong,
but I would just be in just a stateof doom with like tears and distress.
And I remember just feelingso shut down and overwhelmed.
And it wasn't until getting mydiagnosis later that I could
(36:42):
look back and understand what hadbeen going on for me as a kid.
. And made me understand why I'd nevermanaged to go to weddings and things.
So it really kinda cut me offfrom extended family 'cause
nobody, they understood why.
They just probably thoughtthat I didn't like them.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (36:58):
I think I've had a pretty similar
experience there, to be honest.
Nicola-AutisticRadio.com (37:02):
It is like sometimes I think it just seems like
too much hassle to try and explain.
When I do realize now and I'm just like,ah, I'm quite happy, I'll just let it be.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (37:10):
I call impromptu adult parties, , excessive ones, and
I would always be the last one awake.
It's six or 7:00 AM I'd still beup, , it's that kinda hyper vigilance.
It's like the guy who's lookingafter the fire, you know what I mean?
, As if it was a competitionto still be up at that time.
(37:33):
That's horrible, Rob.
When someone hecklesyou, you got heckle back.
No, . That just means you'returning the rude person as well.
So don't do that.
Forget I said that.
Lucy-Autie-Unmasked (37:46):
Just try being on one of Dave circuits
that used to doing London.
They'd be plenty of heckler,but he's good at that stuff in
a way that I wish I could be.
'cause he's very fast and he's gotthe gift of the gab and that, and
I haven't, he would be very quick.
To snap back at people and I was alwaysquite impressed by his ability to do that.
Ray-AutisticRadio.com (38:05):
My friend who was a busker, when people were
being negative towards him, he usedto rewrite the lyrics as he was
singing and aim them at that person.
Not in a nasty way, just,you know, making a point
Jules-AutisticRadio.com (38:20):
Well, it's 5 44 now, so our drop-in hour is finished,
and thank you to all the people whohave texted, and also to the people
who have put their voices to thisthat are gonna allow us to put some
of those words out into the podcast.
If you join us here at the 4,4, 4, your voice isn't recorded,
(38:41):
your text isn't recorded, but thepeople here have given permission
so that it's an example for others.
See you again.
Always reliably Sunday.
Four four, 4:00 PM Cheers, guys.
Well, it's 5 44 now, so our drop-inhour is finished, and thank you to all
(39:03):
the people who have texted, and also tothe people who have put their voices to
this that are gonna allow us to put someof those words out into the podcast.
If you join us here at the 4,4, 4, your voice isn't recorded,
your text isn't recorded, but thepeople here have given permission
so that it's an example for others.
(39:25):
See you again.
Always reliably Sunday.
Four four, 4:00 PM Cheers, guys.
Spectrum Voices (39:33):
We speak our words, we listen,
Speaker 5 (39:37):
we speak our words, we listen.
We speak our words.
We listen.
We speak our words.
We listen.
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The Brothers Ortiz
The Brothers Ortiz is the story of two brothers–both successful, but in very different ways. Gabe Ortiz becomes a third-highest ranking officer in all of Texas while his younger brother Larry climbs the ranks in Puro Tango Blast, a notorious Texas Prison gang. Gabe doesn’t know all the details of his brother’s nefarious dealings, and he’s made a point not to ask, to protect their relationship. But when Larry is murdered during a home invasion in a rented beach house, Gabe has no choice but to look into what happened that night. To solve Larry’s murder, Gabe, and the whole Ortiz family, must ask each other tough questions.