#32 Rosario | Vampire fiction, Japanese culture, society's perception of trans people vs reality - Bang Two Three Podcast

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The reason why I write vampires is because I want to write really, really, really old people.

(00:05):
Um, and that are also like young and hot and slutty.
[MUSIC]
>> Ramen or clam chowder?
[MUSIC]
>> Uh, ramen.
>> Oh, ramen.
>> I have an Asian studies degree of course, I love ramen.
>> Why are Asian people so smart?
>> Oh, I don't know.

(00:25):
I, I, I, I, you're the expert.
Oh my gosh, you're the expert.
>> Like, what I, I don't know, I, I don't think that, um, I don't, I don't think I would necessarily
stereotype them that way.
Um, I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm like really disillusioned to any type of like,
oh, actually, you know what, I'll put it this way.

(00:46):
I know what you mean by, why are Asian people so smart?
>> No, that, um, the literal question, they're fucking brilliant.
>> Okay.
Um, we have like a stereotype that Asian people are like super, super smart because when,
like, Asian people came over to the US, they became, uh, what we call, like, the model minority,
uh, which means that we looked at them as a minority that was like, uh, supposed to be

(01:10):
held above standards of everybody.
Um, and so we looked at black people and we were like, oh, um, those are black people that
are bad, I'm not in racism, I'm trying to reflect the sentiment of society.
Um, but then we looked at Asian people and, um, they were treated with such like, orientalism
and like, reverence for, like, beauty and exoticism that we assumed that, uh, they have to be,

(01:36):
uh, really great in many ways.
And, uh, so there was a lot of pressure to be the model minority and that's why, uh, a lot
of Asian people were like, go to school and like, excel because they have like so much pressure
to do, so their parents give them so much pressure to do so.
And so that's, that's my answer to that.

(01:59):
>> Yeah, so you're saying that they're not like smarter, they just do better in school.
>> Yeah, it's like, um, it's like, there is no such thing as like, okay, we can't tell
when it comes to people in general.
Um, uh, what is nature and what is nurture?
We can't tell what traits of ours were born or socialized because humans are inherently

(02:20):
social beings.
And so, uh, like, we cannot survive.
Even if you were raised in a room with nobody else in it and they just slipped food under
the door, um, you wouldn't be able to survive without any social interaction, uh, and social
inter, or contact with other humans in any other way.

(02:42):
Uh, and so, uh, we don't know what traits are nature and nurture in anyone.
Uh, and so to suggest that there is any trait that is, uh, nature and that they're like inherently
smarter or whatever, uh, any type of races inherently smarter or lesser or more than any
other race, uh, we can't prove that.

(03:03):
>> Yeah.
>> I mean, I personally believe like, uh, it's, we just, yeah, we just, we just can't
measure that counterpoint.
And I see your cup and I was prepared.
>> Oh, oh, wonderful.
I have a whole teapot that I got, um, right here.
>> Oh, my gosh, you're sitting on me.

(03:25):
>> It's, uh, it's from Japan.
>> It's awesome.
>> Thank you.
I haven't, I haven't seen the, I want to see the poor lifted up.
>> Oh, my gosh.
>> This is okay.
>> This is real shit.
>> I also have some things.
>> Listen, I hear, I hear your argument counterpoint.
>> Counterpoint?
>> Black people and dancing.
Nobody can argue that shit, bro.

(03:47):
Yo, black people can dance their ass off.
I'm so sorry.
Yo, we don't have it.
Listen, I was born with good things.
I was born with bad things, but yo, I wish I had that groovy bone in me.
>> You heard it, ain't wrong.
>> I wish, man.
Look, yo, I'm sorry.
Can't nobody, listen, you can show me whatever study you want.
You're not going to tell me that black people can't dance better than white people.

(04:11):
>> I mean, they can.
>> I mean, I'm like statistically.
>> Science, listen, science is going to, like they're going to do like a huge white paper,
and then at the bottom, like a little ash, like listen, all of this is true, but we can see
that like, listen, these black people, like have you seen soul train, like these black
people can dance their ass off.

(04:31):
Everything is true, but like, we don't understand the black people dancing thing.
I think statistically and from my personal experience, black people can dance better than white people.
>> Yo, yes, absolutely.
And listen, I'll be, I know that like scientifically, like it's like, is this a scientifically
significant number?
I have what, listen, I was raised in the deep south around all black people.

(04:55):
My first kiss was a black girl.
My first girlfriend was a black girl.
I moved out of high school with three black guys and a black girl.
These motherfuckers can dance.
And by the way, they can fuck too, but that's a different thing.
Okay, cookies are pie.
>> Ooh, ah, I think cookies because you can have a lot of variety.

(05:17):
And there are some cookies that I just like can't live without.
And also, because I have so many like weird health issues, you can always like make really
sugar adjustable cookies.
I'm the type of person who, if you give me a cookie that tastes like cardboard, I'll
still be like, oh man, this is great.
You could also dip cookies in tea.

(05:38):
And I like dipping cookies in tea.
>> Wish your favorite cookie.
>> Chocolate chip, right?
>> I mean, everybody loves chocolate chip.
I like, I'm trying to think because it's like, I like certain, I love going to Asian markets
near me and getting prepackaged cookies.
And I, because it reminds me of, I used to have a tea party club in college.

(06:04):
And we used to, I used to do a Gong Fu tea, which is like, it's not like, it's not a tea ceremony,
people call it a tea ceremony, but it's like, you have all these cups and you have like a
tray with a reservoir underneath that all your water gets poured into you and it's almost
like putting on a water show.
And I would have like 15 people in my dorm room.

(06:26):
And I would get these prepackaged cookies from like, H-Mart.
And I, so I have sentimental attachment to like these shitty little, Earl Grey flavored,
like cookie, they were these Earl Grey cookies with grapefruit jelly in the center.
And honestly, they are bitter as hell.

(06:50):
But I have such sentimental attachment to them that I'm like, that's one of my favorite
cookies.
And there's a Japanese cookie called, "Aru Foruto."
"Aru Foruto, sit down again.
What was that?"
I speak Japanese.
I speak N3 level Japanese.
I'm not fluent, I speak N3 level.
Just say the word, it was like you were massaging my ears with your tongue.

(07:15):
"Aru Foruto."
I think it's like, "Aru Foruto," like it's supposed to be an English word.
And they are these like, graham cracker cookies with chocolate on one side.
And the chocolate is like sculpted into like a beautiful picture of a, of a sailing ship.
It's really beautiful.

(07:37):
And in the graham cracker, there's like slight little bits of salt.
And every single time I get my hands on these cookies, which is from a market that's about
two hours away from me, I stock up on them and I eat them with tears in my eyes.
There it is.
So, well, they're good and I also used to live closer to the market.
I get them from.

(07:58):
And so it gives me like a certain amount of nostalgia.
I'm a type of person where if I have like a vivid memory of somewhere that I once lived,
even if I had the shittiest time, it was New Jersey.
So I still, like, I get these really vivid memories.
I got that autism memory.
So I'm autistic.

(08:18):
So I got autism memories.
So I got this like really vivid memory of a lot of stuff.
That's really mundane.
And so I just, it makes me feel longing for something.
Even if it was a shitty time in my life, I always had that Asian market to go to and get my
cookies.

(08:39):
You know what's so interesting about that entire story is that 90% of it was you talking about
your love for cookies, but you just glossed over the fact that you were so popular, you
had 15 people in your dorm.
Oh, wow.
You know, it's weird because like I don't even remember.
Yeah, that's weird.

(09:01):
You know what?
I was never popular in high school.
That's why.
So like I just, I never really consider myself that popular.
And I also was like the type of person in school where people would be like, I remember one
time.
I was like filming this music video and the director photography who was filming for
me literally like went over to someone on my crew and was like, it's healthy.

(09:24):
Well, I'm like, this is my God.
And so I was considering myself to be someone like, I know, I got bullied to hell and back
the first day of high school.
I went to public school all the way up until my first day of high school.
And I got bullied so badly in school that I was like, can't do this shit no more.
I'm just going to have a mental breakdown and they moved me to private school.

(09:46):
My parents.
I got bullied there too, but it was better.
It's like, I don't know what the, like, I think like we associate a lot of things with America,
cheeseburgers, freedom, you know, beautiful national parks.
But I think the more accurate thing is we need to associate bullying with America because
we fucking love to bully people for some reason about anything.

(10:08):
Like it's gotten so bad to where like now people are so good at bullying.
Like they will bully people who have shit together like Brad Pitt.
Like how can you bully Brad Pitt?
He's kicking everybody's ass at life.
No, we're so good.
Like we are the leaders in bombs and bullying.
It's so funny.
Actually, there's, I know in Korea and Japan, they have really bad bullying problems because

(10:33):
in Japan, when they have like kids in school and they're getting bullied, it's something
that like the teacher doesn't really talk about or anything because the, the idea of the
kids like getting bullied, you know, just tell a teacher and they take care of it.
You are supposed to let the kids work it out because it's supposed to be kind of like community

(10:53):
building.
But that doesn't fucking work.
Just fucking work.
You're letting these kids have a fucking free-for-all.
So it's like, but I do definitely understand.
Oh my god, associating America with bullying because the weird, like, clicky stereotypes
we have about like cheerleaders and the football team and things like that.

(11:18):
We actually buy it to it.
Like I feel like TV invented it.
I don't even know.
It's like, we actually buy into it and other countries like I have friends all over the
world.
Majority of my friends I talk to, I, are not in America.
And I've had people ask me like, do you guys really do like the cheerleaders and football

(11:39):
team thing?
Like is it really like that?
And I'm like, oh, I don't.
I mean, yes and no.
It was, I was just like, I don't know where the hell I was in high school.
I blocked that out of my memory.
I was in high school.
I was in a rock band.
And that's all I remember.

(12:00):
And I mean, I think I remember some other things if I were to like dig them up.
I do have that autism memory.
When you bring that memory out of me, it's extremely vivid.
But if you ask me to just remember, I'll be like, I don't remember shit.
I don't remember the ending of any video game I've ever played.
I'm so glad you said.
I think you just proved my point.
You were in a rock band and you got bullied.
Like, how does it get cooler than being in a rock band in high school?

(12:23):
Like how can you bully that?
Well, because, okay.
So when I was in high school, I was, and I'm still into it.
I was super into like Japanese rock.
And I was into, and all the guys who were in Japanese rock bands are like, they're very
like feminine looking, they're redrogynous.
And I loved that look.

(12:46):
And so I made myself look that way.
Like I'm a trans guy.
But I just, I have this image of myself.
It's not exactly like stereotypical image of masculine.
It's more like, I grew up in my idea of like masculinity and like euphoria around that was
these Japanese rock stars.
And they made fun of me like to hell and back for that.

(13:07):
I even had my director was like, because it was like a small like a cover band in my area.
But we were like touring around like the tri-thaid area and like playing at music festivals
and stuff like that.
And we would do mostly cover songs.
And every single time I wanted to cover a Japanese rock song, the whole band would learn it.

(13:27):
Like my director would tell me, we're gonna play the song.
I would get so excited that I would learn everything that I was supposed to do.
The whole band would learn the song and then we would never get to play it because it turned
out that director was just lying to me and I never got a chance to play.
Oh my gosh.
New slash people suck.
Would you rather get told you're ugly or that you're stupid?

(13:49):
Um, well objectively I'm not ugly.
Oh shit.
Oh.
We got a good one over here.
I, well, especially if you take my glasses off, I look like a whole person.
My glasses very much distort my face.
Some people like to tell me I'm ugly like because of my glasses and the distortion of my face.

(14:11):
People like to tell me I'm ugly because I don't like suit conventional gender norms.
So like someone says I'm ugly.
I don't really believe anything as ugly.
I'm like, I'm a very like neutral person.
Like I think that everyone is on the same level.
I'm a very body neutral person.
Looks neutral person.

(14:32):
I love aesthetics, but I just, I think that if someone tells me I'm ugly, then they're
stupid.
Um, not because I'm particularly beautiful, but because I think thinking thing, I don't
know, I don't, I don't look at things and go, oh, that's ugly.
Unless it's like blatantly racist or sexist or something that I'm like, oh, that's something

(14:54):
that like kind of grosses me out in that way.
But I don't look at anything and necessarily like think anything's ugly aesthetically.
If someone were to call me stupid though, um, I get treated a lot like I'm stupid because
I'm autistic and because I look like a child, I'm 25.
Uh, but everybody thinks I look like I'm 15.

(15:17):
I went to the doctor the other day and they were like, for my eye, um, because I, you can't
see it.
It cleared up real nice, but I went to the doctor the other day for my eye and they were
like, how old are you?
And you're working as like a video game developer and I'm like, I'm 25 and he's like, you
look at your 15 anyway.
That's a compliment.

(15:37):
Why would you shrivel your nose?
I wish someone told me I looked like I was 10.
Yes.
Uh, well, because like, uh, pedophiles really like me.
Uh, and it's, uh, I have a lot of people who, uh, really take a liking to me because I
look like a child and, uh, they sexualize me looking like a child.

(15:59):
Like I spent most of my years, whoops, I went to school for jazz.
I haven't degree in jazz and degree in Asian studies.
And so my, when I went to school for jazz performance, that's when I really started presenting
more masculinally because when I would present more femininally, there were guys who were
absolutely like fucking more roughness.

(16:22):
I would, that was, that was like the sexual harassment experience of my life.
Holy shit.
Like, um, it got to the point where there was one guy who was sexually harassing me so bad,
uh, that we made up like fake threats and, uh, people to, people, we would convince him
that there were people coming to like get him and beat him up.

(16:43):
Uh, he called security on us a few times because he honestly like, um, believed it.
And I had all these people who were basically like my guard dogs because, uh, people would
pick me up and like try and break me or like, like people, like, people pick me up and threaten
to throw me or like cause me physical, bodily harm and everything.
Um, and, uh, people on the internet are just so weird about me.

(17:06):
Uh, and so I don't usually like share, uh, you know, it's something that's out there and
it's something that I have to be comfortable with that people are gonna see me at in person
events when they're like coming to see me when I promote my game and stuff, uh, that I'm
five feet fucking tall and everybody makes a big deal out of it.
And I'm like, this is a normal ass size for a human being.

(17:31):
Some human beings are smaller than other human beings.
Oh my god.
Get over it.
Shae.
Well, maybe like a lot of people do that stuff because they're nervous and they don't know
how to talk to you.
Like a lot of times like the first thing people tell me whenever like they'll come talk to
me and say, Oh, where are you from?
Cause they hear my accent and stuff like that.
So a lot of times like we, it's hard to talk to people, especially in real life.

(17:54):
So I may go up to you and be like, Hey, cool hair or oh, wow, you're short.
What's that like?
But so it's, it's hard to like filter out like who's being an asshole and who has social
anxiety.
That's what's so white fucked up about it.
Is it because, well, I have a personal thing where I'm like, I don't know what I'm
going to do.
I don't make a comment on anything that people can't fix within five minutes.

(18:16):
That's like my personal rule.
That's so interesting.
And yeah, so I like, like if someone doesn't like a trade about themselves and it's like relatively
unchangeable, I don't make a comment about it really at all unless I know we're on that
basis.
Like I, I have certain friends that will have traits and I'll, I'll be able to comment
on them because we're on that basis.
But I, if I'm approaching someone, I just make it a rule.

(18:42):
If I compliment them, I compliment them on their outfit or, or maybe their makeup or something
like that.
I'm also not very good at complimenting people, but that's just autism and stuff.
But I like to give people compliments that I would like, which are like, if you compliment

(19:03):
them on their, on their hair or their makeup or something like that, then you're complimenting
them on something that they made a conscious choice to present with and that they, like curate
it themselves.
Like it's something that reflects them.
And so you are saying, I like the way that you are reflecting yourself.
But not everybody can, like, choose the traits that they have that they can't change.

(19:27):
And so I, I don't like to comment on them because I don't, I don't know whether someone
even just noticing that makes them feel insecure about it or so conscious about it.
But I do totally understand, like, I, I, I'm polite to people who comment on how short
I am when, when it's appropriate, like, some, I had someone bump into me in the hallway when

(19:53):
I was in school and go, whoa, what the fuck?
What's the matter with you?
Get taller.
That, I will not be polite about.
But if it's someone who is like genuinely saying that because they think it's an appropriate
thing to say, like, like, I, I don't have, I don't have malice towards people like some

(20:17):
people are genuinely good faith when they say that and they don't know that it might be
inappropriate to say because they haven't been in that position.
And so sometimes when I'm having that conversation with them, I'll let them know like, someone
else who you might comment on that might react differently.
So maybe we've that particular comment somewhere else.
That's such a good point and you're so damn smart and it's obvious.

(20:40):
But that, like, if I were to see you and I'm like, oh, wow, they're very short, right?
And what I'm not thinking is that you've probably heard that your whole damn life, but
I'm saying it's kind of like, like, if I seen a midget out in the open, I would be like,
oh my gosh, what is it like to be a midget?

(21:02):
Like, what is it like to be that short?
And they probably like, oh my gosh, but it's not my genuinely want to know.
I think the moral of the story is talking to people in real life is really fucking hard.
And I know we're not doing it as much as we used to.
I wish it was, we could do it more.
I think a lot of people lonely, but it's really, really hard to master.

(21:25):
And like, there's very few people who could do it well.
Yeah.
I also think like a lot of people don't have contact with people who are like disabled or
like, there's like no, like, diversity within their communities.
I grew up in a place that like was like notorious for being like the whitest part of Long Island.

(21:50):
And I just, when I grew up, like, I didn't realize that I like had autism or like was trans
until I was an adult and I was like around other people who had autism and were trans.
And like, my, I have like a pretty big group of friends that are like all different disabilities

(22:14):
and all different genders and all different backgrounds.
And it's at the point where it's like I communicate with them so much that looking at people in
daily life, I am always like, well, your, your world must be so small.
If you don't, do you not know people like that?

(22:34):
Like recently, I've been entertaining myself.
So I am, I communicate with people in real life all the time, but I am a little bit of a
shut in because I have, I'm high risk for COVID and I live in a place where people just like
really don't care.
And there are high numbers even still now, like it's still a thing.

(22:56):
For me and like a lot of disabled people, COVID is still a thing.
Like I know someone who's been like permanently, I know several people actually who've been
permanently disabled by COVID and they can't risk getting it again because they would die.
But I entertained myself with the internet and I was entertaining myself with our slash
vampires throwing my fiction, because I write vampire fiction, throwing my fiction out there

(23:23):
for vampire fans to see.
Now I don't know vampire fans very well.
I don't consume vampire media.
The reason why I write vampires is because I want to write really, really, really old people
and that are also like young and hot and slutty.
But can you explain, no, you got it, you can't drive past that.

(23:44):
Can you explain, what's the motivation for like that is the most interesting like combination
of attributes I've ever heard?
Like why does that appeal to you?
Yeah.
So I, I mean, I grew up with like Japanese rock stars and things like that.
I love those aesthetics.

(24:04):
I love like graphic aesthetics.
I love like alternative aesthetics and stuff like that.
And so vampires always were, were like a part of that, but I wanted to write a protagonist
that was really, like I'm very fascinated by the idea of living forever because living

(24:27):
forever is like, if you're a person who lives forever, it would not be sustainable in this
world.
Like the way things, I mean, the world isn't built for people that are, that are more
mortal, but it's especially not built for people who are immortal.
Like marriage is supposed to end with that.

(24:50):
You retire at a certain age.
We prioritize like different age brackets of our life and I never felt like I was in,
like the right progress for my age bracket.
Like I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19 because it took me, and I lived
in like a mostly car area.

(25:12):
I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19 because I had so much trouble learning.
I've always been kind of like growth stunted with my autism and everything.
So it's like, I never felt like I was in the right age bracket with the way, and my friends
are like, I'm 25.
Most of my friends are like, older than me or like in their 30s or 40s or have some friends

(25:35):
in like their 60s.
So I never felt like I was the age that I was.
And so vampires are able to kind of like be whatever age they were stopped at or around
that area.
And you also, I'm also fascinated by, so I know a lot, I don't have like old people in

(26:00):
my life that I look at and I go, wow, they're so smart and I look up to them.
I mean, I think I used to, but even them like, I have trouble looking at people who are
older than me and not feeling the disillusionment because a lot of them might have like perfectly

(26:23):
viable ways of making money, but they also think that trans people should die.
And so I don't really admire people like that.
But like a lot of old people like with age is supposed to come wisdom, but with age wisdom
does not necessarily come.
And so I, I can't bucket them because you just stereotyped the shit out of them now.

(26:46):
So if they stereotyped you, maybe they threw the first punch, but I kind of agree with that
too.
A lot of old people do turn into assholes.
Well, when I speak to old people, I don't immediately assume that they're going to the assholes
to me.
Like, I don't, I don't stereotype them as that.
Like, the thing is I always get people the benefit of the doubt, but I know a lot of people.

(27:10):
Like, this is personal experience.
I don't, I don't like to say old people are necessarily all bad because I think that gives
them an excuse to not learn.
Like I think that, I think that if you say old people are like, oh, like, I know a lot
of people are like, oh, like, they're not going to be as accepting because they're old.
But like, you're never too old to learn.

(27:33):
A lot of old people just don't learn because they have like this excuse where they're like,
well, I'm old and I don't want to learn anything.
And so it's, it's more people that I, that I have contact with as old people.
I get, I didn't have like, role models like that when I was younger.
And so my role models, my role models were a bunch of like, weird, city, Japanese rock stars

(27:59):
and whatever fictional characters I decided to use as a coping mechanism.
And so I did that.
And it was also like a, it was an internalization thing because whatever trauma I would go
through as a kid and stuff like that, I didn't want to like run to one of my parents or
like, I didn't, I didn't have like someone who I felt I could run to for comfort.

(28:27):
It was more like, I want to be able to seek comfort internally.
And so I have always created characters.
Well, actually I have him.
He's been here the whole time.
One of my dolls.
So his name is Bon Bon.
And he's a ball joint adult that I make these dolls and I've made these dolls since I'm like,

(28:52):
I want to say like 10 years old.
How do you, like, how do you, like, how do you put the fingers on?
Like, do you buy parts?
Do you make parts?
So he is, he is actually, he's tangled in my headphones.
Bon Bon is, you buy a doll that's basically like a shell.

(29:14):
So he had no hair, no eyes, no paint, no clothes, and no nails.
I did his nails and nothing, nothing here.
He was just completely empty skin, bald.
You take him out of the box and he's like that.
And so you have to customize, I'm like, he's fucking earring, so.

(29:37):
You have to customize everything about them.
And you order them from like niche sculptors that make this type of doll.
Bon Bon is a very fun case because so these dolls are not made for sexual purposes, but because

(29:57):
they're made for like adults.
He has a very like fetishy shape as you could probably see.
He has one second.
What do you say for sexual, does he, can you fuck them?
Like, you can't fuck them.
Oh, okay.
He's not for sexual purposes.
He's not for sexual purposes.

(30:17):
Like, these dolls are for art purposes, but art and like dolls are kind of like, like, these
dolls kind of play into like counter culture and like a lot of, like, a lot of people have
these dolls and and dolls like, ball droid, the dolls in general.
I find them to be a pretty socially unacceptable hobby for people.

(30:41):
And so they err on the side of like, counter culture when it comes to their aesthetics and stuff.
And so a lot of creators will make dolls that have kind of fetishy proportions like bonbons,
tits, or huge.
Like he has pecs for days.
And he also has five detachable penises.

(31:06):
Whoa, what's the difference between them?
Is it like a, is it a, is it a, is it a, is it a size thing?
I actually know.
Um, so it's like a size and position type of thing because if you, I'm going to put him
down, but no, we need to see the penises right now.
I should have them in a box over there.
Yeah, it's, you're good, you're good, but he's not wearing one right now.

(31:28):
I will.
I'll send you a link or something, but bonbon.
So it's because like a lot of people take like erotic photography of their dolls.
I do it with bonbon because, uh, well, not all these dolls have like, detachable penises
or whatever.
Most of them are anatomically correct in some way because it would just be weird if they

(31:53):
weren't.
And also their pants wouldn't look right.
Like, there's a difference between the crotch of a pants on someone with a penis and someone
with a vagina.
Like you need to have something filling it out there.
But they are there because honestly, artists like to have fun and dicks are funny and that's

(32:15):
my take on it.
But also because, you know, if you want to take erotic photography of these dolls and you're
putting these like fetishy proportions on them, like you might as well have some like, well,
one of them is like the size of my thing.
Um, that's a big old dick for that doll.

(32:36):
That boy is hung like a horse guy.
How do you put pants?
He cannot wear shorts because it'll peek out the bottom.
Well you just take the dick off.
It's mag neck.
You just take it off.
And so that's what I do with him.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, let's go back.
Big boobs are small boobs.
Oh, you're asking me if I like the aristocratic charm of the small breasted woman or the

(33:00):
niche and pro sex, pro beauty large breasted woman.
Um, that's one way to put it.
For myself, I just got top surgery.
I'm not.
I'm for myself, no boobs.
Top surgery.
Top surgery is when they cut them the fuck off.

(33:21):
Um, do you get to like keep them in a box and like look at them?
I fucking wish.
Fucking wish.
They like cremate them or something.
I wish that they, well, I wish they gave them, well, I heard from someone that they
cremate them.
I don't know where they go.
I don't want to know where they go.
Good riddance.
Those.
I'll take all of them.
Take all the boobs.

(33:41):
We wish that we could give them to trans women.
Like we wish that we could like anybody who has top surgery, we were like, we
wish that there was a trans woman in our area that we could just like send the tits over
to and they could have them.
Um, but other than that, um, I think any boobs, you can't have me pick between all of the

(34:01):
boobs.
Like if I, if it's boobs that are not on me, it's like, you can't put me under this type of
pressure.
Okay.
And she just what constitutes as big or small boobs?
I don't know.
Big, big saggy boobs are those, are those pretty too?
Oh, definitely.
We got a connoisseur.
Okay.
Would you rather be a high school teacher or a clown?

(34:24):
Oh, well, clown.
Because I mean, high school teachers are, uh, I, I know so many high school teachers and
every high school teacher, I know would tell you, oh, I wish I would have been a clown.
If the pay was the same and if you could actually, if that, if that was sustainable for them
in this climate, uh, they would definitely opt to be a clown.

(34:45):
So, from types of clowns out there, it's a very respectable profession.
I totally agree.
I totally agree.
I went to high school.
Listen, I tortured all of my teachers.
I was a bad student.
All of my teachers like we had, they had to break up fights every day.
I'm like, I wonder if as a high school teacher, did it say in your contract, if there's a fight,

(35:05):
you have to break it up?
Because to me, this is an occupational hazard.
They need extra compensation for that.
I had a friend who recently told me, uh, she, she, she, the high school teacher and she told
me that, uh, there was this guy who kept, like this kid who kept, uh, knocking things off
of her desk so she would have to bend over to pick them up so I could watch her bend over

(35:26):
to pick them up.
He is so smart.
I, I, I am so fucking flabbergasted with this, with this kid, but, you know, fucking high
schoolers.
Oh, what do you mean?
I mean, listen, this guy, like, this guy is probably so weird.
He's so raging with testosterone and hormones.
Like he cannot even have a soft dick.

(35:47):
Like he's like, I don't know what to do.
It's just ho, like he probably like looks at donuts and is like gets turned on.
That's how bad it is.
So I'm not surprised by that type of activity.
Do you know how much testosterone I have in my system right now because I consciously take
it?
I mean, it's not a exact number, but it's much more than a teenage boy.

(36:10):
I had to basically right now, I am going through teenage boy puberty.
That's what HRT is when you're transitioning.
You go through teenage boy puberty.
And I mean, I mean, I, I knew my husband when I was in high school, he was not like that.
Like it, it's a, it's a matter of entitlement and respect.

(36:31):
If you're, if you're horny, it's just you, you can channel that into places that are
not sexual harassment.
It's just like, I know what it's like to go through teenage boy puberty because I'm going
through it right now.
Am I horny?
Oh my God.

(36:51):
Of course I am.
But like I can fuck you deal with it.
But I, God, um, have you started to look at women as objects?
I remember reading a study of people who are transitioning.
And that was one of the things that these women like, or like they went from like woman to

(37:12):
man.
And that was one of the things that they reported.
There's like, I have no clue why, but like I don't even view some women as like human anymore.
They're just like sexual objects.
Because when you start transitioning, then a lot of people, like they start presenting
more masculinely and passing is more masculinely.
And so they are welcomed into men's spaces.

(37:33):
And in those men's spaces, like you,
like when you're trans, you don't feel like you belong anywhere.
But then when you actually do start belonging somewhere and when you start being yourself,
then you start taking on like your surroundings and the values of your surroundings.
And so when they're beginning to be welcomed into those men's spaces, then they become socialized

(37:57):
with them and they take on their values.
And they kind of forget what it's like, especially if they weren't object by themselves.
Like I spent the entire time I spent being a girl, I spent being violently objectified.
And so now, and even now I'm objectified by other trans people.

(38:18):
I'm objectified by, I'm objectified by men who are still holding out hope that I'll just
like realize that I'm a woman or something and I'm like, dude, you can't hook the tits
back on.
You can't put them back on, man.
So it's like you get socialized into those spaces.

(38:39):
And I know what we're going to think, my husband is really big into like trading cards and
my dungeons and dragon and stuff like that.
And a lot of like cis men in those spaces, I never felt really welcomed around them.
But as I started like transitioning, I stopped feeling so unwelcome.

(39:01):
Welcome by them.
Well, I have trouble with trading cards and dungeon and dragons and other role play games
because I have bad object permanence and other mind disability things.
And so I'm never going to fit in with that crowd.
But I don't feel as unwelcome with them anymore.
And yeah, especially if I haven't shaved for a few days.

(39:23):
And I look like a gaming YouTuber if I haven't shaved for a few days.
It would be good to like not shave.
I don't know like what your regimen is, but I know I talked to a lot of girls and they
talk about like how much of a hassle shaving is.
So does it feel good to just be like, fuck it?
I never have to shave.

(39:43):
Especially because I came from a family that is really weird about body hair and I went
through my whole like teenage years and everything, not even wearing like bathing suits.
Actually, so I had testosterone imbalance.
I already have more testosterone in my system without the HRT, like without taking it because

(40:08):
I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means like my body produces more testosterone.
So I was already growing more body hair than normal and stuff like that.
And so through all my whole teenage years and everything, I was really hairy and had more
masculine features, more broad shoulders, all this shit.
And I always was covering myself up literally every morning.

(40:33):
I would wake up and have a new mustache and how I would remove that mustache was I had a
spring epilator, which is basically a small device that rips the hair out of your flesh.
And I would just sit there with it and rip the hair out of my flesh like and my mom would

(40:54):
look at me and be like, I don't know how you do that.
And I would be like, you just get used to the pain.
So do you shave now or not?
Shave yeah, I mean, because I could grow a beard at this point.
Like I've been on testosterone for like a year and I could I could grow a beard before I
could grow a beard fucking now.
But it's just sometimes when I don't shave for a while, I look in the mirror and I look

(41:21):
like a gaming YouTuber and I'm like, you can't you can't be looking like this.
This is not who you are.
I really want to rock like a pointy mustache and like a pointy beard at some point, but like
because that's like more of my aesthetic.

(41:41):
So not all like dress stuff like right now, but I usually dress like a fucking 18th century
prince.
I haven't toned it in a while because I was I just got top surgery and also I ran out of
contact lenses.
I got an eye injury and so I don't feel like my face is mine when I'm wearing my glasses

(42:03):
and I didn't feel like my body was mine.
And so I stopped really dressing in ways that I really wanted to dress.
But my wardrobe, if you open up my closet, it's like a bunch of like princely blouses and
shit and I I want to look like in every movie where they have Maria Twonette, they have

(42:27):
her like dress designer stylist guy and he's always a very homosexual man.
I want to be the fruity stylist of Maria Twonette.
That's what I want to look like.
And that's what I look like sometimes when I go out.
Where do those things come from?
Because that is very like 18th century.

(42:48):
That's extremely unique.
Where'd you get that?
When I was a teenager, I really I read a manga called Rose of Versailles and it was manga
about a girl who was born in the like during pre-French revolution to a noble family
and her dad went fuck it.
We're going to raise you as a son.

(43:10):
And because he wanted a son and this manga is like an extremely influential manga.
Modern manga, anime and stuff would not exist without it.
That's a whole tirade that is not for this podcast.
But I became she's tattooed on my arm right here actually.

(43:31):
That's beautiful.
And thank you.
I got into like 18th century clothing and everything because it made me feel like that
was a character that that finally felt like me because she had a lot of like weird internal
gender struggles and everything.
And so I it made me feel closer to being myself and it still makes me feel closer to being

(43:54):
myself like it became a part of me like when when I started dressing like that.
Like I always dressed alternatively like and I never can like it's one of those things
where I walk out of the house.
The worst thing that fucking happens is someone looks at me.
Oh no.
Oh dear.
But it's like I people call me the prince and they will kneel and kiss my hand and like

(44:22):
that's what my friends act like around me and they're like oh the prince the prince the
prince.
And it it became sort of like this this shield for me.
Like what's nice is if like you dress in a weird way and you're a bit socially awkward
or whatever people are more forgiving of you and like the way you dress if you look fucking

(44:44):
weird and you start acting fucking weird then people are like what do you expect to fucking
weirdo.
And so I it became like a like a comfort for me to dress like that and it still is a comfort
for me to dress like that.
But it's like part of my title I'm a prince.

(45:06):
That's what I do.
That's beautiful.
I'm kind of seeing like I'm noticing a reoccurring theme whenever you talk.
It seems like you like a lot of brain cycles are spent on like kind of what other people
say about you.
What other people think about you?
What other people do to you and stuff like that.

(45:26):
Kind of like other people.
Where did this come from because it's like it's almost like at the core of a lot of stuff
you're saying.
Where did this kind of mindset come from for you?
So a lot of autism is that you don't have a lot of like a lot of having autism is like outside

(45:52):
influences shape who you are a lot and you adopt outside influences for me.
I have a very strong personal identity but I recognize that it comes from outside influences
like a lot of the things that but to me like what what I experience is that there is no disconnect

(46:18):
between myself and what is outside myself.
I used to feel that when I was a kid in high school who didn't feel like I fit in I was
felt like separate from other people and separate from society or separate from my surroundings
but as I've grown up I realize you know I'm not that special everybody's capable of everything

(46:41):
and I just my it's how I surround myself with things that I love and it's how I shape
myself and I'm actually kind of proud to like have so much touch with my outside influences
because it took a lot of like personal work to stop being so no I'm not like other people

(47:06):
or I'm different and yeah it's one of those things where a lot of my outside influences
just shape me it's kind of just like it's part of autism but I've never been a person
who will follow any type of code or like like there's a lot of rules and laws that I think

(47:30):
are stupid and a lot of like societal constructs that I just think are stupid so I choose not
to follow them and so it doesn't prevent me from having my own identity it helps shape
my identity and it's also how I how I make it easier for other people to understand me if

(47:55):
that makes sense like if I use outside things from myself to explain things I've gone through
or or like why I am the way I am it makes it easier for other people to go oh maybe maybe
they're like that or maybe they know someone like that yeah and you know what to I think
it does show a little bit of emotional intelligence because a lot of people everybody most of

(48:21):
the people on me don't realize how much of a product of your environment that you really
are and this is everybody it goes for me it goes for everybody yeah we really are products
of our environment and what is our environment is that outside stimuli that you're talking
about but like for example you may grow up in Southern California and you may be a surfing

(48:41):
hippie and you know no no like I'm just a surfing hippie bro like that's just because I wanted
to do that but really it's probably like because that's what's really cool you're not going to find
many surfing hippies in Alabama like it's cool but it sounds like you're just kind of realizing that
hey this outside stimuli is very important to me because it does shape me and I realize that

(49:02):
yeah yeah and it's it's like I I know a lot of people who they learn to embrace that and that's
like the type of like I um I get along with most our people who have uh learned to embrace that
like their surroundings shape them and that they're uh because I feel like it bleeds into everything
right because when you go to therapy and stuff one of the things that they try and teach you the

(49:25):
most is that uh not that I like to put it as you're not special but I don't mean that as if like
oh you're not worth something you're not special to me is like um your worth is not different from
anyone else and the way that you exist in this world is not different from anyone else um like

(49:48):
uh like like if someone thinks you know I'm not worthy of love or I'm not worthy of being spoken to
with respect uh then uh they think it's like some sort of inherent trait that they have that they are
inherently lesser and uh that the world uh should treat them as inherently lesser because they just suck

(50:11):
but they can't give any reasons as to like why objectively they suck because there's there aren't
there's not like you are uh like infinitely capable of growing just like everybody else around you
and being like special and being an individual um are not as like uh it's not all it's cracked up to

(50:37):
be you could be different from other people and like do your own thing and stuff but um uh it's not
really cool to hate people and hate talking to people and uh like you you have to like exist
within this world surround yourself with some type of love Jesus Christ
oh my goodness yeah I think it I personally really love different people um and it's one of the

(51:07):
reasons I love New York City uh because if you go there there are weirdos up and they're like they're
fucking everywhere I see this guy I know you New York City very well I grew up in an hour away and
yeah my my visual novel is is in New York City all my characters are from New York City
I have a voice actor from New York City um is it very it's um let's no uh tachecha street in uh

(51:36):
in Tokyo uh in Harajuku is my favorite place um uh but I got to talk about Japan uh Japan uh
that specific place was uh that's where all Japanese fashion like sort of like culminates like it's
all there uh my first day that I was in Japan on my trip on my trip to Japan a few years ago um so I

(52:02):
spent my whole high school years um uh buying clothes from Japan they were like things but they fit me
they were my style it was something like I collected Japanese magazines like full of alternative
Japanese fashion and it was something that um I really only experienced like by myself for when I
would go into New York City and hang out with other people who were into it um and it was the thing

(52:24):
that I was most known for was like participating in Japanese fashion subcultures uh there was a
store that I bought a ton of stuff from online when I was a kid uh I still have all the clothes from it
I still wear those clothes I still fit in those clothes um I remember on my first day in Japan it was my
first ever time outside the country wouldn't go on many vacations when I was growing up and so it was my

(52:50):
first time outside the country I walk into this shop onto Kishitostree and my whole high school
wardrobe is there I like felt like you're across the world and all your clothes are there
and when it's so personal do you it's like I had to walk out to get the fuck out of there I like

(53:12):
was buying a shirt and I'm like look at my doing this is like being in the twilight zone I can't be here
and it was like one of the first places where I felt like I was walking around in like a crazy ass
outfit I had on a um of 14th century jewel and crusted doublet and I was walking around looking like a

(53:33):
fucking Shakespeare character uh while everybody else was walking around looking the exact fucking
sane uh not the exact same but you know looking not like uh like a like a regular person would dress like
and uh because of that even though I wasn't from there people who worked at the shops would be like
oh my true you from and everything like I love your outfit and talking to me uh in English or in

(53:58):
Japanese and um it was really like it was my first ever experience like uh ever going to a place
in feeling like I um was just like materialized in the mist there uh and so that's what makes
that so special but what are you doing here why why don't you live there it sounds like you are

(54:18):
a square peg and you found a square hole oh gosh I had the the same thing was told to me by a Japanese uh
high high school uh it was uh he was my professor for my history of video game music class in jazz school
he told me like why are you not in Japan uh i mean in principle Japan is not too big with trans people

(54:41):
also i wouldn't be able to be legally married in Japan because you can't be like gay married either um
and so uh i um there's those two things but even at the same time uh i think the reason why i'm not in
Japan is because i'm not in Japan yet uh like i i know that at some point even when i was there it was very

(55:07):
weird because i know so much about Japan and i studied Japan so much that um you know i thought i
was gonna go to Japan and uh uh like i thought i was just gonna go there and i was gonna be disillusioned
to the whole thing uh because what usually happens is is like because i'm not okay people are always

(55:27):
like oh you're a white person why did you become an Asian studies major is it because you like anime
no oh no please no um uh i'll read manga but uh no um but um usually what happens is like white
people get this like weird perception of Japan where they're like it's the anime wonderland everything

(55:51):
is great there the convenience stores all have like decent great food and in them and it's amazing
and uh they go to Japan and then they see Japan and they're like yeah it wasn't that great or because
they were like a tourist in Japan they don't have to deal with like the societal constructs there
and so japan which is like a country that's like so built for tourism at this point like um

(56:14):
there is so much funding put into fucking tourism um they they like get this false idea that
Japan is the best place ever because there's a lot of problems with Japan um but uh i thought
that was gonna go there and i was gonna feel like that like where i'm like oh japan uh i'm kind

(56:36):
of disillusioned to it and everything uh and you know i am disillusioned to japan but oh my god
it is much better than whatever the fuck i'm dealing over with over here in the states
like whatever the fuck i'm dealing with over here there's just so many more things places for me to

(56:57):
be so yeah would you rather have a time machine or a teleporter?
um i mean a teleporter honestly uh because i would like to um i can't change things if i go back
time there's definitely things i'd want to experience um but i um i would rather have a teleporter

(57:19):
because i have too many uh i i i watched a show when i was a little kid about these kids you have like uh
a book that was a time machine and they would get stuck because they'd lose the book or whatever
and i'm like one of my time machine breaks and i can't get my meds
i can't go back and get my like what if i have time machine breaks and i don't have the

(57:41):
fucking technology to fix it um uh and so i think about those kids with that book where they would
literally it was literally a show where they've been getting these like life or death situations
because they would like get stuck in certain time periods so i'm like i would like a teleporter
please uh so i can just because it would make things easier nowadays because i could figure out

(58:03):
where in the world i would like to move and also i do not have many friends that live in my area
i could go to Greece and see my friend Percy and it's time that i wanted
and and that would be wonderful i could go anywhere if you had a friend
how like how would you use a teleporter to make some money?
oh um yeah because i'm not uh the best said uh and money honestly like i'm not uh i'm thinking like

(58:32):
maybe like right it's gonna have to be a little sneaky or something maybe you could
uh but you're not invisible i was thinking i could be invisible okay because i was thinking like
maybe if i like teleport into like the secret meetings in congress where they talk about like
hey we're gonna pass this bill and give you know this company three billion dollars right

(58:55):
and then you just go put a bunch of stock in there right and then you win but if you're not
invisible and you're in the secret room in congress you're getting arrested so oh but you could teleport
out the jail okay i don't know so here's the thing um uh i could tell you how i would make money for
it in a fun way but it's not something that i'm i'm not very big on schemes that will make me a lot

(59:19):
of money but i think that uh what would be fun is i charge a monthly subscription surface and i
teleport items to people um uh that i like like like certain like niche items or like i have like a
shopping service like uh like it's like an instant shopping service and i could go to different

(59:39):
countries and get things that are um like because obviously everybody would take advantage of like a
shipping service but i would like to make it like um i go to the country i get the thing for you because
there's not stuff i'd use like japanese shopping agents for it to like ship shit over um and so i would
just be like i'm your international shopping agent and whenever you need um uh i can pick up these

(01:00:04):
items for you and maybe they pay a monthly subscription or maybe they play like pay like a flat fee
and i just like go and get the items uh and uh plus what they pay for the items obviously um but uh
make a profit off of the shipping get to do fun things like i would like to uh
get to do fun things i love going to fucking stores and looking at things i like to fart around

(01:00:29):
like that is what we are put on this earth for and so uh i want to uh make money by farting around
in different stores in fucking uh denmark and then go see my friends in denmark
okay that that is actually a brilliant answer you definitely uh you win that one would you rather
wear a constantly changing outfit or a constantly changing hairstyle i already wear a constantly

(01:00:56):
changing hairstyle uh i already do that and i already wear a constantly changing outfit i
i need to do these things like i i have my closet is full of crazy shit and i i uh and so is my
bathroom full of different hair dyes and so i am already constantly changing so so which one

(01:01:17):
so you either have to wear this i want to be able to change my outfit definitely i want to be able to change
now yeah yeah yeah that that's probably a pretty good one would you rather go one month with only a
tank top on or one month with only a song only a thong definitely definitely i pay good money

(01:01:37):
for this top surgery am i gonna fucking cover it up no oh i'm surprised you have a shirt on now it's like
i don't even know why i have a shirt on damn it yeah i know it's like i don't know where i get to i mean
honestly now i'm like so happy that i can actually wear a tank top so that feeling weird but uh no i'll
go around wearing only i i draw fictional characters on a regular basis wearing only a thong like

(01:02:03):
it's it's it's an outfit does it feel weird to like so you have boobs right and yeah
beside like you cannot show your boobs like me i show my boobs to everybody when i go swim no problem
but now you don't have these taboo boobs like is that weird yeah um uh it's weird sometimes it's

(01:02:25):
like uh especially when i was like posting to my friends and like our discord server uh like pictures
of my top surgery results and like they would like there are people who know me for years on my
discord server and like they've never seen any sort of tits from me uh but now they are um and so i

(01:02:49):
always put it behind like a spoiler so they can click on it if they want to see it or not and my mom
even look like i got my surgery she's like well you just you know she's gonna go to the pool without a
shirt on and i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah i paid good fucking money for these like i'm i'm going to
do the pool without a shirt on but i don't um i don't like i wouldn't i wouldn't be shirtless around

(01:03:13):
like my dad that would be weird um but like uh i i don't know i wouldn't be there's there's certain
people i wouldn't be shirtless around but um so it's still kind of like it's still kind of like in
like in grand in you because me like i would totally go shirtless around my dad anybody any of my
friends sounds like there's still like a small nugget deep inside well it's just because of socialization

(01:03:38):
like it's just because uh like honestly uh if any of my friends went tits out around me topsojuri
or no topsojuri i'm fine like i it's more like um uh it's for their sake like it's for like other
people's sake like i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or like i'm overstepping

(01:04:00):
something with them it's for their comfort um honestly though if if people like didn't have a problem
i i don't know like i just uh it's more like and it's like but go out dressed kind of slutty
then that's fine uh if it makes someone uncomfortable uh don't fucking look at me but um i feel like

(01:04:24):
you know not everybody is socialized to to uh like like i don't know i i they might feel weird and it
might make them personally uncomfortable and they might need to like how have time to work that out
like there's some people everything new start off weird and uncomfortable and you like oh
they're not socialized to it yet but how do you get socialized to it unless you see them like i don't

(01:04:49):
eventually will yeah me if i seen that like if i seen you out of pool without shirt i'm like holy
shit that's cool i've never seen something like that do you think like they would be mad if i
would go talk to them well okay so if you want to like go talk to them uh it would kind of
depend on what you would like say because you're like yeah yeah yeah like if you're saying like

(01:05:10):
say what's your name then like that's a perfectly acceptable thing um but if you're like oh my god
why do you have two huge scars across your chest did you get your tits cut off and that's a little bit like
whoa hey what could to my person space how may i help you um but yeah like uh i mean if you just treat
someone like a person then it's fine but if it's it's just like um some people uh are not normal

(01:05:35):
about it um and a lot of times it's like it's to save myself the discomfort of uh like sometimes i
don't want to always deal with people questioning me about my gender and stuff like uh there there
comes a time when you you simply just want to exist as a person uh and you uh don't want being trans to

(01:06:00):
be like everything about you like it's not a personality trait uh and you really just there's
sometimes when it's like okay you're you're having to discuss it with people you'll answer their
questions you will be um especially people who are curious about like learning about trans people
and educating themselves about trans people um it's great um and i love answering questions about that

(01:06:24):
um but if i if everything i am has to be that i'm trans it's like i want to exist as a person like
i'm like i want i want people to be like oh okay um uh i read your visual novel or something like i
i i i like your outfit or or something like can you teach me about one of your hobbies um

(01:06:49):
but there i've definitely been people who like will come out to me and be like
like you a boy or a girl then i'm like when she'd like to know whether boy
okay like hey come come come grab me come come come
yeah yeah come grab me sometimes it's funny like because you get like sometimes people will

(01:07:11):
ask you know if this is my moment i will have a comeback uh and it's funny but sometimes it's like
when she'd like to know you want to be mysterious about it's funny i know that there has to be
terrible for you and you have to kind of feel like a science experiment with those people treat you
like that but do you ever kind of like look at it from their perspective they're like hey this is
kind of a new-ish some people have never seen a trans person in their lives and it's like well trans

(01:07:37):
people trans people have always existed that the uh the the normalization of trans people has not
always existed and so i it's literally like like um i was like i was saying before i was on vampire
Reddit getting my entertainment for the day because they're crazy out there and i posted a picture
of like one of my characters and uh he has like he has an ipadch um and they were like uh oh i feel so

(01:08:04):
terrible for him because he has an ipadch and i'm like well and i have a sight disability that
like affects my everyday life these are very strong they give me horrible headaches i have to
get surgery on my eyes soon uh but also my character Kenny his voice actor is a real life ipadch guy
and um i remember seeing this post and like i i said to him and he goes oh my god i can't even be mad

(01:08:35):
because this person's world is just so small that you've never met someone but like that you can just
you can just you can just think it's okay to be like oh my god i feel so bad for him he has one i
he's not able to see correctly like to just come out and say that he's like they're just so blissfully
ignorant um that they could just say something like that and so i don't i don't treat people like that

(01:08:57):
as if they're like like something you know you you just just look at them and you're like oh you were just
you just use them a very small world uh or like a smaller world than i do and you and i had that
i had a world that small once like i was i was a child once and when you're a child like you have a
very small world but uh like i said i've always been kind of like growth-stunted a little bit with

(01:09:22):
like the way that i age i uh i am more mature in other places and then there's like uh other places
where i'm not um and so i have to respect that other people are like that too yeah of course and if
we could like put ourselves kind of in the shoes of maybe the blissfully ignorant people like

(01:09:42):
imagine if there's this new thing coming out and it's like there's people with tails now
this is the new thing hey get your tail bro go to get your tail surgery you got a tail
tail and i had a fucking tail that would be fucking sick and sick and then like you go in a grocery
store and for the first time you see someone with a tail and they're wagging it and they're like

(01:10:03):
grabbing stuff off the aisle with their tail wouldn't you be like oh my gosh hey what is it like to have
a tail dude like that's so cool i mean like where the fuck did you get that tail but i think it's
it's so weird because it's like um uh with with trans people that it's like it's not a tail
it's like a normal part of like your body and so it's a little bit more invasive um but

(01:10:28):
i think that it also makes it more like like more alarming like a tail you could look at someone
with a tail and uh you could be like they probably bought that off the internet and that this is some
sort of like weird AI technology because oh wait maybe it's just my exposure to things but there
used to be actually like a parrot cat ears that could have on your head and they would move

(01:10:52):
and uh according to your brainwaves and it was a huge thing uh in like the convention scene during like
the pre-2010s and stuff people would have these cat ears that would be on their heads and they would move
according to how their brainwaves would make it was like a little probe that went on your temple
and they would move that way so i would just assume that it's electronic because i guess i've

(01:11:13):
seen a lot of stuff like that like i want to assume like it was real um but a lot of people like uh
i think another part of trans people is like when people see like trans related body modifications
uh like if somewhere to see uh top surgery scars they immediately um feel like

(01:11:34):
what if i were to make that decision to do that myself like they they don't understand that like
the reason why me like got surgeries and stuff like that is because it's life-saving and it's not
really a choice that we make it's because like because like i said before i love boobs but i couldn't have them
i couldn't do it i wasn't strong enough
like awesome like you could jiggle on make it happen down they were they were like i don't have i

(01:12:01):
i have lost two stress balls and um i i have lost two uh here lies my beloved stress balls i would
literally sit in my bed and just like hold them for warmth and comfort um but uh i um it's just like um
people don't realize that it's like uh so essential and even if you tell them how essential it is

(01:12:27):
they never grasp it because like even when i even before i realized i was trans and trans people would
explain to me how essential their surgeries were i'd be like well you can like bind you could
use a binder um you can use tape to bind it back and everything but then like once i started realizing
i was trans i and i was like oh no no no no no this is what they meant this is what they meant
that's when i was like okay i could not have possibly understood this before um but a lot of people

(01:12:55):
will look at those surgeries and they'll be like what if i did that to myself and they feel disturbed
by it and they feel like like because it's not an essential thing to them uh and because um
their body in the state that it is is something that feels like them like they don't know what it's
like to feel like outside of their body is kind of a thing and so they don't feel outside themselves so

(01:13:16):
making such a big change to their bodies is such a a big huge thing to them and so it's scary to
think about that for themselves and uh they want to approach trans people and learn about that
sometimes because it's so foreign to them what was the moment you realized you were trans uh so it

(01:13:38):
was more like a huge buildup but um well i'll tell you about going on HRT when i realized then
you need to go on HRT because i realized it was trans before uh and so i know plenty of trans guys
that like aren't on hormones at all um and don't plan to be on hormones they don't plan to get
top surgery or anything uh and they're like living as men and they can just do that um uh

(01:14:04):
but i um so i was i was casting voice actors for my game and my main character uh his voice actor
except okay my main character and like my main characters i should say like my multiple of main

(01:14:25):
characters they have um really really beautiful voices and when i heard their
thank you thank you they have really really beautiful voices and um i i remember listening to them
for the first time in just like crying uh and uh i i i was happy because i got to hear my

(01:14:48):
characters and everything but uh when i was going through my auditions uh my main characters now
voice actor is uh this guy who showed up last minute and is basically just my character
looks like him talks like it literally on my sheet i was like he's a vampire you can give him like a
pretentious British accent or something but he is originally from Denmark so if there happens to be

(01:15:12):
someone out there willing to work on this project you have like a native Danish accent that just so
happens to also be an english voice actor in english you has a perfect voice exactly like my
characters then i guess audition and then he showed up and uh i was like yeah this can't be and he's

(01:15:33):
he's like so much like valedict scary and uh i remember at that moment like like hearing
like the absolute perfect voice for my character and then i went to i went to my mom's house to show
her my voice actors and who won the yaw make one the audition who thought the parts i was so excited

(01:15:54):
and so i went through my voice actor for like dash and canny and all my different characters
and then val and and everyone and it was like they did like so beautifully to fix my characters
and they had these beautiful voices and i had a really bad voice dysphoria about my own voice even

(01:16:16):
though i do voice act for my game uh i remember getting home after just like showing my mom all these
voice actors because i listened to depeche mode in the car um and david gabs voice is just something else
i broke down crying on my husband i broke down crying on him and i was like i think i need to get on

(01:16:40):
hrt like i think i need it i think i need it like i i i it just like made me like something like clicked in
me where after i had casted on my voice actors that um like like the character i voice i still
voice her and everything even with my uh current voice is she's still a girl i'm like i now now
it kind of sounds like i'm i'm like trans the other way when i voice her which is funny to me because

(01:17:06):
it's like oh nobody could tell what to lose his gender is but i um after i casted on my voice actors
i they're like aware of this too because we're all friends now like now i'm on my copying and discord
servers with my voice actors to play or end of ass games and my voice actors are also like majority of
them are trans and so i i just um i remember hearing all of these like auditions and everything

(01:17:31):
and being like man block perfectly depicting everything that i spend all my time on uh these
characters that i've had since i'm like some of these characters have had since i'm like 14 years old
because i made it like they come from my dolls a lot of them from my dolls and so uh they are uh very

(01:17:53):
like near and dear to me like i remember like my character dash uh i had a doll of him and i remember
the day that my the day that my dog died um i had a dog that died when i was a teenager um and there was
i was also like being harassed by someone on the same day so as a teenager i was like in absolute

(01:18:14):
pieces that day and i was just like sobbing and i remember like holding this doll and remembering what
my dolls like hard and fucking bony ass resin body felt like um and now it's just like such a comfort
for me and so to look at a character that i make and that i've put out into the world like uh that uh
other people have gotten to experience and know what it's also like to hold them it's like uh it's a lot

(01:18:42):
it's a lot and so uh it it made me re-evaluate myself yeah did you ever like second guess it or after
stuff clicked you just you knew well i always knew that i was like trans in some way like i am i just
didn't think i was like a trans man it's it's more like um i think we all second guess it because so

(01:19:06):
gender dysphoria i'm like the feeling of uh uh gender dysphoria uh isn't your body telling you that
your trans it's not like your body is like well you're actually a man um and it's telling you that
you're actually a man it is actually the voice that makes you second guess that so it's almost like
gender dysphoria uh at least for me wasn't telling me oh you're actually a man it was telling me

(01:19:30):
you know uh you could never be a man like you you can't do this it's not it's not a thing like uh you
are never uh like you're gonna have to try some other places to try and express yourself because
you're not gonna be a man uh like you're gonna have to supplement with other things because you're
not gonna be able to do you're not gonna be able to be that gender like it's like um and then once

(01:19:54):
I started realizing that gender dysphoria was the voice telling me that i couldn't do these things
rather than the voice that was telling me uh that i could be who i wanted to be um uh that's when
i realized oh i have to kill that thing and uh then i did and uh because it's not a normal feeling for

(01:20:15):
people to have um like it's it's just not a normal voice in your head to have and what you kill it
it's great that's why like gender affirming care is a good thing is because it kills that and then
you become really happy with yourself in your life yeah so where were you were you married before
you started taking hrt yeah and like how did that discussion go with with you and your your husband

(01:20:41):
what did was he okay with it yeah my husband and i are uh big gay freaks uh were not uh
oh we were even like before it's so funny um where like both uh like i mean he described
himself as pansexual i described myself as bisexual it's basically the same thing well actually i'm

(01:21:04):
actually asexual uh but by romantic which means i have like romantic attraction to people uh i don't
have like sexual attraction to people uh which is weird because you just heard me talk about how i
love boobs but um i don't have an oversion to sex itself sex is like an activity um that i can find

(01:21:25):
other ways to like and also boobs are like beautiful stress balls and so i can like them for reasons
outside of sex and i also i create a lot of like stories that recontextualize sex in a way that's um
like uh not inherently like it's not material for jack in office material for like personal

(01:21:46):
re-evaluation uh i recontextualize it in a lot of ways because i'm asexual and i don't know how to
comprehend sex in any other way but anyway uh yeah no it was it was a non-issue it's like uh i remember
being in college and um like uh there was this girl who uh had a crush on nolan and nolan is my husband

(01:22:08):
had a crush on nolan and um uh even even with that it's like like if we have crushes on other people
or we like think someone else is hot um then we we're not like oh my god are you cheating on me
oh there was this girl with a crush on him and she was like uh and then she met me and got a crush

(01:22:29):
on me and one day she was like oh my god i'm single and the only two people i would date are dating
each other uh and it was really funny uh but like and then there was like this one guy who was working at
like a store we we walked out of the store and we look into telling me go my god he was so hot

(01:22:51):
like like we we just have this like sort of mentality it's like i'm i'm in like i'm in such a relationship
i love my husband we have known each other since we're like 11 years old so it's like oh my gosh
huge that's all to nolan because i think you're just kind of like oh yeah i was a non-issue but that
yo that's a huge thing and he's an awesome person for just taking it and stride it really i

(01:23:16):
i really think it takes an awesome type of person to just like yeah just go ahead whatever makes you
happy do it you could tell like he probably really loves you for who you are oh he thinks i'm hotter now
he thinks i'm hotter now because i'm happier and stuff like like you like if you know yeah it's like
i don't even know how to like comprehend because it's like if i had a partner that wasn't Nolan

(01:23:42):
and they wanted to go like go on h out here and you think i i would just be like yeah whatever
it's like i'm so i'm so ravenously bisexual that like it just kind of just matter to me it's like i have
people in my life who like don't even have labels on their gender um and they don't even know what

(01:24:02):
pronouns they use he use any pronouns for them and it's just such a it's just such a like huge and
beautiful thing and once you like let go of it as a concept as people who will ask me what genders like
some of my characters are and i'll be like oh they could be what you want like if you want to
like a lot of my characters are gender and big u.s because uh i'm trans and the uh the understanding

(01:24:29):
that i'm trans means that my characters will all probably have like a different understanding like
my creation of people is is fueled by a different understanding than someone who is this gender
or someone who is even like closeted or like doesn't know their trans hasn't really broken down

(01:24:51):
the whole gender thing yet um and so i tell people like uh like you can look at my characters and you can
like see for yourselves um uh and if you feel like you relate to one then they can be like you
but they don't have to be anything particularly like i know my main character i'll refer to him as a man

(01:25:12):
sometimes but he'll refer to himself not as a man sometimes i will refer to him as a beautiful woman
sometimes but he is uh he's just chilling all my characters and all the people around me we're just
chilling we don't give a fuck about gender so you said you're like really bisexual do you have a
preference on like which one if you want to if you're gonna fool around with one like a guy or

(01:25:35):
girl or something else um and i think it's uh i think i have like more personality preferences
i don't really have like a like gender preferences like i um or i have like like i'm a real sucker for
a girl that's very princessy because i'm like a prince and so i'm a real sucker for a girl that like

(01:26:01):
feels very uh princessy and perancy about me but i don't like it when people feel that way about
well like about me without my permission like if someone is because i get a lot of people like that
who will decide that they're gonna assign me a spot in their brain um in in some sort of domine

(01:26:25):
in a position they assign me my i call it like assigning me their dom without my permission
like i'm i'm their non-consensual dom and uh it feels like uh everything i do they take us some
sort of assertion of dominance or that i'm it'll be like oh you're so cool and like you know uh like

(01:26:50):
i don't know people people who ask me to like step on them uh or like people for a while um
this person uh i had someone uh like ask me if i could use them as their doormat
um actually i still talk to that person and they're pretty cool uh uh

(01:27:15):
i did it i didn't i didn't i know it was more like uh they were younger than me and they saw me post
something about like how i don't like being treated that way and i kind of when they when they said
that to me i kind of just like laughed it off um and because it was when they said that to me it was
after a few weeks of uh being like repeatedly harassed by someone uh who had uh been really in

(01:27:42):
love with me that i had to cut off um and uh so i was like uh and this was like a good friend of mine
that i had to like cut off uh and uh i had been realizing over the past days before that that
that person had been like a really like genuinely abusive and draining force in my life

(01:28:03):
and my friends were like we just want you to be okay so i was like coming off of a time where i was
being really heavily objectified and this person fucking tells me that's shit and i'm like i can't
i can't fucking escape and um so i just laughed it off but i was like posting it out later like and
people not talk to me like talk to me like this without my permission and they messaged me like

(01:28:28):
hey i really want to make sure i didn't fucking overstep and i was like you did but it's cool we're fine
it's fine but but yeah it's just like some people especially on the internet they do not know when
it's acceptable to fucking say things i know i know i know and another thing too is like a lot of things
on the internet are not real like there's lots of bots out there and not even just bots but like there's

(01:28:52):
like um like click farms or whatever where essentially i'm gonna pay a bunch of people a dollar
an hour to post racist shit or hateful shit or and that's it and so and it sucks because i think
as humans whenever we read something on the internet like for example if i read hey i'm a mom

(01:29:12):
and my son just died my heart breaks immediately it's just an immediate reaction but what we don't
think is like hey is this even real and so it damn manipulates us and it's like it's almost i feel like
it's a very art of it's becoming more and more a very artificial environment and i'm worried about
that yeah i um experienced that a lot when trying to market my own work because i have a lot actually

(01:29:40):
i had to hire a social media manager um to work on my instagram for my game because i have such
trouble being artificial it's the reason why i like me in my own website and i base everything
off my own website because on there i can be real there are no restrictions i can do anything i want
um uh but on social media like there's a lot of people where they'll have a business or they'll

(01:30:04):
have like the thing that they make and the only way that they could get it out there is through social
media because they're not building a website either about our website builders nowadays people
don't know how to use html they go on square space and they start like fucking around on there um
and you can't really make a very personal like like uh really customize website on there and
unless you're paying a ton of money um for me i pay fucking five dollars the neo cities and i just

(01:30:29):
code the whole thing myself and um but uh because i have that space to like be myself um uh i feel a lot
more comfortable like having my social media manager throw things up on uh social media and but i
like to kind of make a joke about how fake it is like i um like for example a lot of people think

(01:30:51):
the game i make is porn because there's like my main character is a dong he's a therapist and a dong
so people think that it's porn and it's not there's literally people like like but i can't advertise it
as what it actually is because some of the interactions are a little bit too real like for example
there's like uh a couple like one of my two of my characters one of them is like literally dying of

(01:31:14):
a terminal illness and he's talking with his friend who's gonna be the only one to take care of him
about hospice you can't advertise that like like what are you gonna do do you want to listen to gay people
talk about hospice i know you do like and and so i can't advertise it like that especially when i have
like a hot vampire right there so i will i made ads that are like you know like the cheesy porn ads

(01:31:40):
that are like you won't last five minutes playing this game i made a i made a of an ad and it's my main
character with his ass just like completely out he's wearing a thong and like a slush chaps and like a
fringe jacket and he's got a rose in his mouth and it says you won't last five minutes playing this
game before you have to call your therapist play now and i love playing on the fakeness of social media

(01:32:07):
and just putting that out there um and then like i even had uh like i have my voice actors in on it
and everything i'll go to like one of them and i'll be like hey can you get me a cheesy line for this
fake ass ad and then they'll throw some shit at me that makes me want to chop my head off and i'll be
like perfect thanks oh my gosh that is so good man would you rather be a smart but a total jerk

(01:32:32):
or really sweet but really dumb oh really sweet but really dumb i told you there's so many jerks out there
so many jerks out there and i know so many like smart jerks well i sometimes i think being a jerk
just like inherently makes you dumb i don't know i i i just think that um i know so many beautifully sweet

(01:32:54):
absolutely dumb fuck people out there who are so fun to be around and they're there sometimes
they're like just like my favorite type of people because even if i can't have an intelligent
conversation with them before they're just like well i don't really know anything about that um
they are still like honestly dumb people like people who or are not well informed or whatever

(01:33:17):
sometimes they're the most like inquisitive and they ask you about things um because you're really
they're dumb because maybe their world is smaller or they just they just don't make an effort they're
they're very they're relaxed and you know what i fucking wish i could relax
me too so i what i found because um i i was i was raised in statistically one of the poorest

(01:33:41):
places in the country and i worked in i worked at make donals for like five years i was a cashier
of walmart just random stuff and nowadays i'm a software engineer i'd make you know i work with
people who make a half a million dollars a year all the time and if you were to say hey chris you
have to invite one of them to your dinner party give me the person who's working at make donals 10 out

(01:34:04):
of 10 times there's so much more fun i find whenever i step into this corporate world i didn't realize
it because i shoot from the hip i speak from my heart but these people are so fucking calculated
they rarely say what they really mean it's very odd to me and i i just feel like a fish out of water

(01:34:25):
sometimes when you go into a place like like where people are working at an McDonald's and everything
that's where you're gonna find people who are like artists and musicians and things like that people
do like extremely interesting and creative things because like uh like nowadays making a living off
of that kind of thing uh they throw you on social media and you're supposed to fend for yourself

(01:34:50):
and fucking uh go according to whatever the AI algorithm wants you to do that and the people aren't
hiring illustrators anymore as much like or even better it's like um if you get hired for art or
music or or any type of creative work then uh you're getting hired to fit a standardized

(01:35:12):
advertisable image and so the people who are working at McDonald's or working at Walmart and everything
those are the people who like they're gonna be the ones that really have those like creative
projects and things that that they do um because like no at least that's my experience like a lot of

(01:35:37):
my friends who do extremely beautiful work like like I because I know a lot of artists I know like I
know uh I know one of artists and voice actors and musicians and everything they just have like retail
day jobs uh because they would rather do what they love um then uh like because they would rather

(01:35:58):
still be able to do what they love and make some money then try and make themselves make what they
love fit into something that's advertisable enough to make a ton of money and like be very corporate
like they're like selling your soul they don't want to sell their souls they want to live their lives
and fucking exist exactly and whenever I meet a person who is not motivated by money

(01:36:24):
aka like a broke artist working at McDonald's I immediately trust him I don't know what it is
it's just something that you could just find it's just like oh yeah look I don't care if we're different
I don't care if you hate me or whatever but I can hang out with you because we can find common ground
on this because our souls are kind of like the same right we're not motivated by money and I always

(01:36:47):
think it's a beautiful thing yeah it's just like I uh every single time I uh meet someone who like
like if I'm in a store and I'm like uh I just I just started experiencing this actually because
when I lived on Long Island Long Island is a very like conservative place but not just that

(01:37:07):
concerned me but it's like nobody's nice on Long Island you go to a cashier on Long Island
everybody's everybody's miserable and I move to like upstate New York uh and people uh that I see
like as my cashier is in everything um especially like I worked a lot of retail jobs too I actually

(01:37:28):
you know you get me one of those um I've got to make some money on the side but it's like I I um
I every single time that I've like um gone to the grocery store with like a cashier or
there or anything it's just like me like it is like I'm like oh it's just like my friend it like
it could be my friend there and my friends that have like my friends that have jobs that

(01:37:53):
are considered to be respectable by parents um that's how I'll put it because I think that um like
I don't understand why people don't think being a cashier or whatever is not a respectable job
or is like below anything like because the only difference is that uh they are working so hard

(01:38:14):
and definitely not getting paid fairly um but uh fucking uh uh all my friends that have jobs that are
like respectable to parents sort of a thing that's fucking miserable miserable like especially because most
of them are teachers just listen to their teachers and that's that's like walking into the fucking jungle

(01:38:35):
would you rather have to make a one-minute speech in front of 10,000 people or kiss a frog
oh I'll make a one-minute speech in front of 10,000 people what you're gonna talk about um
I'm going to shield this shit out of my visual novel if that's what's gonna happen because if if
if I'm gonna shield the shit out of it well just because um uh I that's like my joke I guess um I

(01:39:00):
I made this thing and I'm like oh I'm gonna plaster it everywhere so you know I think I would just
use it as like a a speech to shield but I would say it in like a maybe like a crazy way um uh
it would be cool if I had like a one-minute power print presentation too that'd be nice but um
I have performed in front of 10,000 people before so like I don't really have a problem

(01:39:21):
like I've like had to sing in front of 10,000 people so it's like uh whatever
that yeah that's awesome yeah so I guess you're cheating you you've already kind of done it
we would you rather date someone who is named dick hammer or pussy galore
oh pussy galore

(01:39:41):
pussy galore I would be like this is my lovely spouse who I love so much
that is also that is so cool so I think that's all my I was planning on doing like
10 minutes of would you rather but uh we we've done an hour and a half but uh that is okay

(01:40:02):
what let's talk about yourself like what motivated you to start your game and your video series
like what what was the spark so I uh was uh I had a successful business on TikTok which is now like
gone obliterated um where I made anime card decals out of my living room from a vinyl cutter um and I

(01:40:31):
worked so hard at this because I was out of college it was a uh it was during the pandemic uh like uh
and I was I I had just moved out of my house and it was my successful job I blew up and uh so I was working
and working and working and I worked until I basically permanently disabled myself uh and had a

(01:40:53):
complete mental breakdown and I um uh there's a I there's a lot of people who like literally like
still haven't gotten their work from me and never will because I don't have the machine anymore and
there are people who felt so bad for me that they were just like yeah just keep my deposit or whatever
and uh every day I every day I I have a wicket night in the middle of the night staring at my ceiling

(01:41:14):
thinking about how that's like one of the I I just don't I don't even know how to access the work
that uh if I could give people their work but thankfully it wasn't that many people and I'm one person
and a lot of people understood me um but yeah I um after that um I was I was making good money I had a

(01:41:36):
successful job uh but it was killing me and I physically couldn't do it anymore uh and so I um one of the
biggest things in my life that I had wanted to do was make my own video game and uh like uh so in
order to like give myself like meaning in my life I wanted to um just uh start and make something short

(01:42:03):
and then it wasn't short and then it wasn't short and it just kind of took over my life and I realized like
I should run with this I shouldn't let this be just like a thing I do for a short time because uh
there are jobs out there like if it doesn't make me all my fucking money or whatever then uh

(01:42:25):
there are plenty of jobs out there I can take but there are people who go their entire lives
working good jobs and everything but they never actually have any meaning to their lives like they
don't have a thing that they do that they go oh this is something that I put my whole ass into
and so you put you put my you you put uh uh my stuff you put your ass and stuff I like it is

(01:42:53):
different I put my whole ass into it well yeah I put yeah um yeah so I put I put everything that I had
into uh that game and I made like the best friends of my life from it and everything I'm like well
you know so they like people don't get to experience there are some people that will never get to
experience this like this type of love um and this type of uh like like really being able to put

(01:43:17):
yourself into something and I can barely really leave like the house sometimes because if I get
COVID that's really really bad news for me uh I struggle to work in a conventional job atmosphere
because of my autism like I've gone through I've gotten jobs that ghost me because I'm autistic and
ghost me because I'm trans and uh another job is that I've had to quit because uh some sort of

(01:43:42):
chronic pain disability thing like that uh made me unreliable and I had to just say you know what
I don't want to do I don't I don't want to be here and be unreliable and make things harder for all the
other people I have to work with um like maybe I have to accept that this specific job isn't for me
and I've had to like I get the fuck out of it um and uh honestly like I I still need to have like

(01:44:06):
like a part-time job to sustain myself like I mean I have my husband to you he my husband is a laser
engineer um he makes x-rays yeah he's uh he's a physicist um but like uh even with that it's like I
still got to like uh get myself a little part-time job and everything but it's like I would rather
spend my whole life uh working on my series and um working on all of my little print media and

(01:44:32):
sending out all my mail and and making this game uh and having the time of my life then uh trying to
work myself up a corporate ladder that doesn't mean anything to me so did did you have any experience
doing this type of work creating this game and and video series have you ever done anything like
that before this um so uh it's a lot of components so I I was an artist before this so like I've always

(01:45:01):
always always done art I was a traditional artist I used uh Copic markers and ink uh and so I
basically uh translated however I would work traditionally into digital art so I could use it
for my game uh and I composed all the music myself uh and that was my jazz education and everything
and my writing came from uh I spent years studying Japanese literature and the thing that I

(01:45:27):
learned the most about Japanese literature is that um like it structured a lot differently than
American literature uh in the fact that there's not just like rising and falling action and then
like a clear beginning and end sometimes it's just a story of a thing that happened and there's
not really like a point of tension there's no like climax it's just it's just a story that you

(01:45:53):
that you go through and I didn't realize you could just write like that like I didn't realize that I
could just make something and put it out like that uh and not care about that type of structure or
just not care so much um and uh I remember reading a lot of fiction that I go this is shit I love it

(01:46:13):
and uh realizing that no matter what if I like made something even if it was shit I'm gonna love it
and there's gonna be people out there who love it and so uh like things being shit don't mean
that they're inherently bad and unlovable so it's like uh that that's where I got my motivation right
and so I started writing I actually my biggest writing experience

(01:46:38):
was writing a uh I got so obsessed with the fictional character when I was in college uh that I wrote
a 200 something page like self-insert slow burn romance fan fiction uh with this character where I had
a character that was me and then there was this other character and they never got to kiss

(01:46:59):
but they always came close and so I wrote cheesy romance and I wrote something that I was
really like on a shame though and it was just uh stupid don't can't be in cheesy and I loved it
and I had so much fun and so I find the writing and pacing of of your art to be like

(01:47:23):
fucking fantastic like excellent like really good like it's so good sometimes like I don't even quite
understand what they're saying and I'm like I cannot stop listening would you say that that is like
your strongest attribute is your writing? Um you know actually it really uh makes me feel good
to hear that because I don't I get a lot of confidence on on what I make of it I never really realized

(01:47:48):
which was the strongest um I think that my writing in order for this medium to be like I think
it's I think it's one of the most valuable things that I can have in this medium because it's a visual
novel uh I think the the two biggest important things are the visuals and the novel my art's great
my writing's great as long as I have those things I'm satisfied so um uh I have confidence in my art

(01:48:15):
and confidence in my writing sometimes I have more confidence in my art sometimes I have more
confidence in my writing but every time I feel like a little bit of of like um maybe I fucked up the
plot here or that's a little bit janky that picture I always have the other one to fall back on for
having confidence in my work yeah is that like what's your favorite thing to work on is it the

(01:48:40):
visuals the writing is it putting it all together casting what's your your go to uh my voice actors
when they send me their lines I have to like go and like hold myself up in my room with a bunch of
stuffed animals so I can just like cry because I am just so grateful that my characters get to be
brought to life um and so one of my favorite things is when I have to make stupid little skits for them

(01:49:07):
and so if I have to make fully voiced skits that means I have to make all the art all the music for
the skit I have to script it and then I usually like pump it out in a day and uh it's like a little
mini movie that I put into the game but um I think very specifically something I love working on

(01:49:27):
is my character Val has this long flowing blonde hair and I have a very specific formula for how I draw
and I can never mess up his hair because his hair is so huge and it's so formulaic that no matter
what I'm doing like on the worst days where I really don't feel like working and I'm in a lot of

(01:49:47):
pain because of like chronic illness stuff or whatever uh I it can always like take out a picture I have
to work on a Val and then just start drawing his hair so it's like I always know that that's something
that I I will always be able to draw it seems like you really like Val and Val is one of my favorite
characters too is like is I'll be honest I don't think there's another I have not seen another Val

(01:50:11):
out there in any type of animated series or even on the internet like did you did it take a while to
kind of like concoct this super unique uh character um it's really funny because uh people like to
compare him to like other vampire characters all the time people are always like oh he's so unoriginal
and I'm like wow and it's like well first of all I think he does reflect a lot of stereotypical vampires

(01:50:35):
but that's kind of the joke um but it didn't take oh I don't know that was weird because first uh
his character came from a doll I made and this doll uh I just sort of constructed uh from
whatever I had basically like I got the shell of the doll like I was mentioning before and uh his

(01:50:59):
hair is beautiful and long and proofy like that because uh the wig was on sale and uh the wig was on
sale and it was for like girl dolls and I was like yeah like I give a shit and I put it on him and I'm
like oh my god he looks like Robert plant from Led Zeppelin I love this and um what the thing is is like

(01:51:20):
when you have a main character when you're a person who's like literally going through like
your gender is transient you're finding out you got autism and ADHD and all this other mental
bullshit like your whole life is changing because you're you're 25 um and that's what goes when you're
25 um of course your main character is gonna like end up with all these different facets because

(01:51:46):
I had to spend so much time writing him you spend time with this person like this is a person who
lives in your brain and I remember of first I like didn't really like Val because I was like okay
I don't have to write a main character that I like um I don't even have to write a main character that
are the people like I just have to fucking make something um and some people will love him and some

(01:52:10):
people will hate him and so uh I wrote what was fun for me and I remember one day uh looking at
the main character of Rosa Versailles because that's like my favorite piece of fiction and being like wow
that author has this character and I just have that guy and I remember in that moment I was like

(01:52:33):
no you have to start to show love to this character like you have to realize that this is a character
that lives in your brain and that you have to you have to get up in the morning and write for
and that you're gonna be making this series for like years of your life and that if you don't make
peace with like the person that you have to spend time within your head and if you don't like

(01:52:56):
you like other people don't have to see I don't like it when people think that I'm like bias I don't
want people to think I'm biased towards Val or that I justify the things he does because he does a lot
of fucked up shit um but uh I have an honest affection for this character because if I didn't
then it wouldn't be healthy for me and I wouldn't be able to make this series and so uh it's

(01:53:18):
so it's kind of like we were shoved in a house together and we had to learn how to live with each other
do you ever see a world where you'll kill all found yes oh I did not expect that oh my gosh
so it's out if Val acts up too much he's on a chopping block for sure um actually uh it's not so much

(01:53:43):
that he acts up it's just like I think that we live in a world where there's different series that are
so milked to death yes like we don't need this many remakes and we don't need this many sequels
though we should let certain series exist just as they are we don't need to keep pumping out content

(01:54:04):
for them and uh I know that um Val is a character that uh I have to have a messy breakup with or
else it's just not it's not just not gonna be me but I just know that um you have to let a character rest
eventually um and that uh I think that especially with like having to mulch your life as a vampire uh

(01:54:33):
just being a person who is that old I think that uh death would be like an ultimate comfort uh it's a
it's a very good send off um and I don't yeah I can't believe so you're fine you're but the death is
gonna be like yeah it's gonna be juicy because there's only like two ways to kill a vampire right

(01:54:56):
oh there's there's ways to kill a vampire well I kind of adjust my lore I don't go I there's a lot
of people who think there's some sort of a vampire bible that would follow and shit when writing
vampires I don't know I made my own shit because I don't care about vampire fiction I was never like
into twilight my friends feel like vampire the masquerade and I'm like I can't do this shit like I

(01:55:20):
especially like um I also I never like consumed that much like American media I grew up on a lot
of Japanese media so it was like my vampires were like I don't know I don't even know I just I never
really I was never a vampire fiction person so I was like you know why don't I make a world where my
vampires are a little bit more human where it's like with mine it's like can kill them with like

(01:55:43):
silver like silver instruments like silver knives things like that um and uh I think that's like
about all I have I mean there's different ways like I've I've like made like different uh chemical
compounds that can kill them or whatever uh if they have garlic they just get really bad acid reflux

(01:56:03):
um oh shit I think it's funny but uh because well because Val is a little bit Italian and I also have
other vampires that are Italian uh and so I'm like you can't do this to them you can't do that to them
um and so I gave them really bad acid reflux admittedly uh self insert but anyway but yeah um

(01:56:24):
it's like that type of death um it's going to be a very big comfort like it's gonna happen in a way
that might be a little bit brutal or maybe I'll have like a lover kill him or something like like
you need to kill me like like I don't know like it's just something that like it's oh yeah I mean
like I it's got to be something big and poetic or whatever either that or maybe the big

(01:56:48):
and poeticness of it will be that it just happens one day like because he has a lot of people out
him after him trying to kill him so it's like that's a big part of his characters that he's always
running from something so he's always moving around to different countries and playing different roles
and stuff so it's like um he's just maybe one day someone will just walk and get him

(01:57:09):
but he's also very very old so you got to think listen if you've been run away for death for
this long your vampire like you're pretty fucking good at like escaping detecting death
so whoever does kill Val or however he dies it's gonna have to be very clever right
or he'll have to like let them like it might be someone yeah it might be someone who like he

(01:57:33):
like feels for where it's like he feels like he deserves death from this person like uh like he
deserves that um like like maybe uh like he feels it would do something for them to kill him or
that he genuinely just feels like it's a fitting end for himself like um almost like it's an

(01:57:58):
honor to be killed by them like I haven't wrote this but like I yeah this is why like you are the right
you are because that is some crazy shit I would have never ever thought that to say hey yeah he is a
vampire you know he's pretty much really hard to kill but maybe he has a change of heart and it's just

(01:58:19):
like hey my time to go maybe I'm doing more harm than good or something like that and he just kind
of comes to grip with it that's beautiful yeah I mean that's not a lot of it like like a lot of
what I write is coming to terms with uh being a horrible person but like being like or coming to
terms with the fact that like moral person had like moral value as a person uh like uh has very complex

(01:58:47):
meaning like sometimes uh you could go through your whole life uh not being the best person
uh but there's no way to make up for it uh or there's or maybe or maybe you're so old that
everyone who you could possibly pay back is dead or like like there's so many like complex little
things that you have to like take into account like his ex-wife uh he he has this ex-wife uh that he

(01:59:14):
turned into a vampire and she's basically like hey ruin my life and he's like yeah I know
but he's like how the fuck would I even make up for that like how do you even make up for that um
and so he uh there there's no way so he kind of does just like you know what I feel guilt

(01:59:38):
I have it in me but it doesn't do anything and so I have to allow myself to like move on from guilt
uh or and it is on the bird it sucks that it's on the burden of like a hurt person to fix
themselves it's the fucking worst um but guilt doesn't do anything that much either

(02:00:03):
that's true yeah and so it's it's like I guess you have a choice if you're vow or if you're a real person
you've done something terrible and you feel guilty about it and it's like do I want to live with this
guilt or do I want to become a fucking narcissist and say fuck this guilt and fuck everybody else you know
I'm just gonna kind of like live life and not think about consequences yeah and it's like um

(02:00:27):
sometimes it's like uh consequences you like if you're not a narcissist you want those consequences
because you want to learn you want to have those consequences and so when like with BOWL it's almost
like please give me those consequences but they're not there because it's been so much time and

(02:00:47):
they're and there's nothing there's nothing for him to be like punished with like except for
her existence or like having to know that he ruined someone's life like living with that is his
consequence and so he accepts that that's all he's going to get but he like kind of yearns for more

(02:01:09):
like I need something to make me feel like I have suffered a proper punishment for this like I
mean something to make me feel like like I'm not getting off easy yeah he doesn't have that it's
horrifying maybe like since he's living so long he's starting to like say hey man you know being

(02:01:31):
this narcissist is bad or whatever maybe I want to be human I want to have consequences
and right whenever he goes to turn that corner to be like a great vampire he's just like you know what
I've done so much fucked up shit I need to go it's time for me to go um it's weird because it's like he's
done so much things to like try and redeem himself as a person like he uh well for sure he's a

(02:01:54):
fuck therapist and he like goes or he like he's got like a little teenage girl client whom he's like
like he's basically a teenage girl at heart and so like I just like he's he's got all these people
that like he helps out and everything and he's genuinely like a really good person to have around
in like like his friend groups in society and he's friend with a ton of humans and so he

(02:02:16):
he just kind of lives with this guilt but it's like like meaning he's not like a narcissist in the way
the hill he'll just be like well guilt doesn't do anything so guess I won't have it oh he has it
but he just doesn't feel like he can do anything with it like it's like he's gonna become a good person
anyway but it's like it's just not like this guilt um it i don't know it's like he hasn't thrown it

(02:02:43):
away but um he's afraid to die he's a fucking coward uh and I think a lot of people are just like
coward to are afraid to die uh I think that um uh he feels like there's this cosmic force that's
gonna tell him when it's his time uh and when it's his time to go and everything uh I think it's more like
you know he hasn't felt like he has lived his whole life yet and so when he feels like he spilled his

(02:03:09):
whole life okay he's lived his whole life then then it's time to go but I think even as humans we can
never tell when we've like lived a full life yet do you get me so it's like please never gonna get to
that point do you ever do you go in in the series do you go into how like the dynamic between him and
his wife and how he turns his wife into a vampire yeah I do uh like his whole backstory is in uh like

(02:03:38):
the first act um and yeah so he he like turns his wife because he's like involved with like some
like I have this mindset within my game that like back in the day when people believed in vampires
because they were on edge again because like you know how there was like actual real vampire panic
in like European countries and so so like back then I I made it so they had to like form gangs and

(02:04:02):
like they justified killing humans and everything for food because it was a survival tactic and so he
had this like guilt and he like turns uh this like human that he falls in love with into a vampire
so they could like like rain over this huge game of vampires together and uh this guilt kind of uh

(02:04:24):
like that he's like killing humans and everything kind of eats him up and he ends up leaving her
in this game uh to kind of bend for herself but she's already been corrupted morally like she's
already been sort of brainwashing thinking oh you know what whenever we kill people because we need
to survive it's the only way um but now he live in like a modern society where dude if I was a vampire

(02:04:47):
and I needed to drink someone's blood I am a fucking trans person you have any idea how many people I
know who are into blood play or like like like if they you have any idea how many people I know who
would be like it would be a privilege for a vampire to drink my blood now he has like an every kinky
motherfucker within a hundred mile radius could come to Val and it would be like bonapete bitch like

(02:05:13):
he's just he he is drinking good um and so he doesn't have to be that horrible person anymore and he
hasn't had to be a horrible person for years and years and years of his life and so I made it where
vampires have their own little human resource centers where it's like they have ethically sourced
blood and charms that help them go out in the sun and just be regular people with jobs and shit

(02:05:35):
and I'm not too into like everybody's really clicky and in these little gangs and stuff like that
they don't have to do that shit anymore it's up the 1800s like uh fucking most of my vampires are
guys that live down the street that's awesome what would you say is like what is the best case scenario
for your gaming video series like let's say five years from now like what does it look like is it

(02:05:59):
mainstream like what does success look like for your project I think there is absolutely no way of
it becoming mainstream because it is a little bit too counter culture is not advertizable enough and if
I made it into a series that could possibly become mainstream then it would not be true to what I
want it to be and I think I would be losing a part of myself I think what would be great would be

(02:06:25):
that it is a very stable and niche well-liked series probably like big within other people in like
like the trans community and everything like I know lots of people who would like my
series and I know more people would like my series if they were given more means to find it like

(02:06:47):
and so I don't know I guess in five years I would simply like uh to wake up in the morning
and see that someone's written some fanfiction of my characters that maybe later on in the day I could
get on a voice chat with my friends and we could read and laugh at how they mischaracterized them or

(02:07:09):
or maybe or maybe someone writes some really raunchy porn in my characters and we all read it in a group
and we're like oh this shit's so fucking funny or but out of but with respect like I have so much
respect for anybody who would do anything like that because they took the time to love something
that I made enough to write something for it and so I don't know I just uh I don't have any goals

(02:07:38):
for it when it comes to growth other than uh I want to always be happy with making it and I want to
always look back on it as one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.
Oh my gosh I really think you nailed it too because whenever I whenever I first checked out your word

(02:08:00):
that was my initial thought I was like this is going to become like a thing that maybe a small group of
people a couple thousand a couple million something like that love to death because I think A
it's extremely well done like if I if I turned it on like if I was watching Netflix

(02:08:21):
and think like oh this is low budget or this is low quality I'm like yeah this is the Netflix show it's
it's that type of quality and then I think B like you said it just kind of deals with certain topics
that maybe society isn't ready to talk about or be pushed into their face yet so I definitely think
your objectives are lining up with your work perfectly thank you I also would love to have a bad

(02:08:45):
Netflix show that would be something I want a bad now I want them to butcher the shit out of my series
like because Netflix never does anything right honestly like when they do like live action series
I just feel like they never really do anything right never like the biggest fan of Netflix but like
oh my god if they if I were to have my work meet until like a badly adopted Netflix show where everybody

(02:09:09):
has like bad wigs or whatever I would be so happy like I would literally sit on my couch and be like
I would pick out all the ways that they like butcher it and everything because I really don't think
with a lot of the themes I represent that they would be able to do that kind of a job with it but

(02:09:34):
oh it's to have the achievement of I make royalties from this horrible wretched thing oh
if Netflix ever does that I'm flying over there and we're gonna cheers we're gonna have some tea
together it would be awesome what did you think about the Netflix one piece adaptation one piece

(02:09:56):
I didn't really watch it I know my husband is really into one piece and by that I mean my husband
can recite entire Wikipedia pages about one piece but if you ask him what he thinks about one piece
he will say he hates one piece I think that when I like the most is how enthusiastic the cast is

(02:10:17):
about one piece and how a lot of yeah a lot of the cast they're not like huge wudget active like
they had some some kind of like smaller actors there and I just think that they were all very
enthusiastic and to see the joy in their faces when they like play these characters that's what makes

(02:10:38):
me like really happy like I'm not the most into one piece I'm into like the show joe part of anime
like I a lot of like drama I got female focused anime and everything and but I I just think that
seeing the joy in the faces of the actors that got to play characters that they liked and everything

(02:11:02):
oh my god it's just so beautiful um and I like the cartooniness and I think that there was actually
like genuine love put into that series that a little bit more than a lot of like more throw away
Netflix series that don't get as much care rose I'll be honest with you you are the type of person
I'll be like I want to sit down and watch a movie with you because well one I don't really watch

(02:11:27):
TV shows or almost anything yeah I don't watch movies anything and to you think like you always
zag like you don't zig you always zag like you're you're always like two levels deeper than like my stupid
brain or whatever I'm sorry it is so fascinating I think listen I hope your series blows up all

(02:11:48):
I hope you get all of your dreams if that doesn't work out big if you should be a movie critic oh my god
you would be like you were almost born to do that really critic you know I've been watching more
movies recently or like maybe I could be like a video game critic because I do play more games that I play
than than I watch movies I have a favorite video game critic and his name is Tim Rogers and every

(02:12:13):
single time I watch him I'm like this guy's just me in 20 years so you know what maybe I'll be maybe
when Tim Rogers is gone I'll just like take up his place and I'll be I'll be a fucking video game
critic oh yeah it's like a gift like it comes off as a gift some people like I talk to and I could
tell like oh you've learned this skill and then some people was like like because you do it so

(02:12:35):
nonchalantly it's just like oh yeah yeah it's like oh okay like me whenever yeah it's like whenever I work
hard at something like if I knew fucking Japanese like that shit holy shit it like I would be like like
you would tell like I'm proud of it like watch me talk Japanese but you're just like oh yeah yeah
like here's my dissection of this character and it's like you're so nonchalant man it seems like you

(02:12:57):
were born with this shit I just thought I think it's because you know not you know what maybe I don't
have an explanation for that but it's more like I I've had to rationalize so much shit myself
and analyze so much shit for myself I think maybe the bottom line is have been through too much talk
therapy and I've had to explain I have a lot of practice explaining shit so I am I am be fucking

(02:13:24):
explainer and so I've been through too much talk therapy and I have had to explain way too much
shit in my life and so I guess that rose thank you so much for coming on the show you want to let
everybody thank you for finding you yeah sure um my website is priro.pro

(02:13:47):
same thing on instagram priro.pro and uh on twitter uh priro_pro um and uh I'm
trying to think I'm also a tiktok as priro.pro but don't go on there I don't fucking like that

(02:14:07):
website but I that's that's everywhere that I am uh and uh I hope that maybe if you would not have
played a cheesy gay vampire visual novel before that you try it out now absolutely I'll put
all that with the show notes and just personally I really enjoyed your website and the design

(02:14:30):
thank you everybody definitely go check that out once again Rose thank you so much for coming on
your awesome thank you

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#32 Rosario | Vampire fiction, Japanese culture, society's perception of trans people vs reality

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#32 Rosario | Vampire fiction, Japanese culture, society's perception of trans people vs reality