19 - Handling Messy Rooms and Too Many Toys

I'm Bill Corbett, the author of the book LOVE, LIMITS & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS and I've spent over 25 years working with parents and teachers with children with challenging behaviors. One of those challenging behaviors really drove ME crazy until I figured it out what to do about it. So how would you like some solutions to help you deal with your kids messy room and too many toys? 

In order for this to happen, I first need to get you to consider the fact that children don't naturally understand the importance of being organized and structured. They have to learn this over time, some of it from the adults caring for them and a whole lot more organically on their own. It takes time for them to develop this skill and it takes lots of patience on the part of the adults caring for them. 

One day I had had it with my daughter's messy room. I couldn't stand walking by the doorway to her room every day and seeing all the chaos. As I did, I remembered how my parents forced me to clean my room and I hated that they did that. I was punished for the messy room and all I thought about was how much I hated my parents. I felt like the condition of my room was more important than our relationship. So I knew I didn't want to become my parents and start yelling at her. One family member use to go into their child's room when she was at school and box up all of her things, leaving her with an empty room. She would then get them all back after a 2-week span of time. I didn't think very much about that technique and didn't want to do that either.

So, I waited for a moment when I felt like I could remain calm and when my daughter seemed like she was open to learning or at least open to hear me. I got her to sit at the table with me and I used the old I FEEL _________ WHEN _________ communications technique that we used at the office. I said, "Honey, I feel really stressed out whenever I have to look into your room and see all of the mess. What could you do to help me with this problem." I was totally amazed when she said, "I'll keep my door closed." Now, that didn't solve the messy room problem, but it did solve my feeling stress problem, so I accepted it.

The solution she offered wasn't ideal, but I was OK with it. It was a good start because I was a firm believer that her room belonged to HER and not to me. Some parents demand that all their kid's bedroom doors remain open so they can monitor what's going on, but I never had to worry about that. We had already established house rules that no food or entertainment electronics were allowed in bedrooms, including cell phones, tablets and laptops. 

After we implemented the new, THE DOOR IS KEPT CLOSED WHEN IT'S MESSY rule, there were obviously times when I saw that it was open, and the room wasn't cleaned up. So, I would use the ONE WORD REMINDER rule when I saw it... I would say "DOOR." She would huff and puff and growl, and sometimes even blurt out, "Oh my gosh Dad, this is so stupid!" She would then go close her door. While we're on this reminder technique, I urge all parents to talk less when the need to remind arises. Instead of saying, "Jason, how many times do I have to tell you to go hang your jacket up. There are children in foreign countries who would love to have a jacket as nice as yours and look how you abuse yours and leave it laying around for others to step on." I had to add that KIDS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES thing as a reminder of how we tend to guilt our kids into doing some things.

Anyway, instead of yelling at Jason to hang his Jacket up, I tell parents to say use one word.... JACKET. If they've left their book bag laying in the middle of room, calmly say, "Jason, BOOK BAG." When I started using this one-word technique, my kids would mimic me and repeat what I had said, but in a sassy tone. I ignored it and they put the book bag away. But if you make an issue of the sassiness, they are going to love it because it affected you and it made them feel powerful over you in that moment. If your kids do it to you, just ignore it, don't give their response any value.

If you listened to episode 15, I featured an excerpt from a live workshop with a room full of parents and teachers, eager to learn how to manage challenging behaviors. I was delivering my 10 IRREFULTABLE FACTS ABOUT KIDS workshop and in that episode segment, the topic was the challenge of transitioning children quicker and easier. That kids have NO time management skills. In this episode I offer the 2nd excerpt from that recording and the 2nd irrefutable fact. It's that kids are messy and disorganized, and forcing them or punishing them will not help them develop that skill any quicker. It will only destroy your relationship with them.

Let's go over a few helpful tips related to disorganized habits with our kids and how to help them transition: - Their bedroom belongs to them, not to you. Allow them to have that plac

Episode Transcript

(00:07):
I'm Bill Corbett,
the author of the book Love Limits and Lessons,
A Parent's Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids,
and I've spent over 25 years working with
parents and teachers with children with challenging behaviors.
By listening to this creating Cooperative Kids podcast,
you'll learn techniques for getting your kids to cooperate with you,
and the result will be having children who are more loving and fun to be with.

(00:31):
These techniques are respectful to both you and your child,
and when practiced over and over,
you'll find yourself with more peace and calmness in your
home or in your classroom if you're a teacher.
Kids and teens are naturally self-centered,
but with kids increasing use of social media,
it's gotten worse.

(00:52):
Constant selfies,
posts,
focusing on the number of likes and the ease of creating videos,
it's now called the me generation,
and it's even harder to teach our children to
think more about others and less about themselves.
One way that parents can help to increase the empathy in their
children is to find activities for the whole family to participate in

(01:15):
and to set an example of what it looks like to be in service to others.
One Thanksgiving,
I announced to my 3 kids that we were going
to have a different kind of Thanksgiving this year.
We were going to bring an entire Thanksgiving meal
to someone who didn't have a family.
Now,
of course,
as you can imagine,

(01:36):
my two older daughters rolled their eyes
and start whining about this holiday change.
But I followed through anyway,
and Thanksgiving Day arrived,
and we had our meal all packed up in containers as
we headed to an address of a person assigned to us.
We headed across town and arrived at a row of very small homes.
All 5 of us carried bags and containers as we walked up to the door

(02:00):
and knocked.
An elderly woman answered the door,
and we introduced ourselves.
She invited us in
and then began to cry.
My kids did too.
I saw the tears welling up in their eyes as
they quietly watched her thanking us over and over.
At first,
I thought it was going to be a very quiet
ride back home after sharing Thanksgiving dinner with the woman,

(02:23):
but my kids were very chatty and talked about the whole experience all the way back.
Something obviously changed for them that day,
as they experienced the act of giving to someone else,
and I knew it felt good to them.
Following that day,
I saw clear signs that they were having more
thoughts about giving to others in other ways.

(02:44):
Now,
what kinds of things could you do to help your
kids to think more about being in service to others?
One of my many guests that I interviewed on my Creating Cooperative Kids TV show
made it his personal mission to help adults get kids out of their own heads
and teach them about caring more for others through the act of paying it forward.

(03:06):
Doctor Clint Steele spent one year launching
and leading the Pay It Forward project,
which included a limited run magazine
and projects for youth to get involved in.
Listen in now to my interview of Doctor Steele,
as I asked him to share more ideas for parents
on increasing the empathy in their kids and teens.

(03:27):
According to a survey released in 2010,
71% of teenagers surveyed felt that bullying was a very serious problem.
Experts tell us that if parents knew how to raise their kids to become bullyproof,
the incidence would decrease drastically because there would
be less victims for bullies to prey on.
One man has made it his personal mission to help teens and adults

(03:48):
alike with a solution for making this world a better place to live
through acts of kindness and paying them forward.
Doctor Clint Steele is the founder of the Pay It Forward.
1 Million Times project based in Portland,
Maine,
he publishes a national magazine that motivates,
inspires,
encourages,
and empowers individuals to take part in acts of kindness for others.

(04:10):
His new magazine is already reaching 20,000 readers.
Welcome to the show,
Doctor Steele.
Well,
thank you very much for having me.
I appreciate it.
Acts of kindness just don't seem to always be.
In the vocabulary with some teens,
and not,
not all,
and uh I think what you're doing is is really powerful work because
if we can integrate that into more of

(04:32):
our teens and help them understand about the importance
of paying it forward,
I think uh it it it makes the world a better place to live,
right?
Absolutely,
yeah and especially talking about,
you know,
focusing on boys,
uh,
girls are more open to this stuff boys are a little less open to this.
Uh,
but going in and and teaching them how to just open their eyes and open their hearts

(04:54):
and looking at at what's around them,
so many,
so many kids today,
you know,
in in today's society,
especially with,
you know,
me,
me,
me,
social media,
me,
you know,
Facebook me,
Twitter me,
look at me what am I doing?
They,
they,
they've got this vision like,
like this,
you know,
it's all about me and my problems
and so when I go in schools and speak or or we

(05:14):
we write about it in the magazine we we just get people to open up,
you know,
open up their vision
and look on,
look at what's going on around them,
you know,
look,
look behind them when they open a door,
you know,
or when they're going through a door and seeing
if someone's behind them and take that extra second to
to hold it open for someone or someone drops a book,
uh,
you know,
go over and and help pick it up,
you know,
simple things like that.

(05:36):
Really make a difference.
My favorite pay it forward is uh.
It is at the coffee shop,
you know,
when you go through a drive-through and they,
the,
the person at the window already knows how much the person behind you,
their,
their bill is.
And it's so cool to tell the
uh the person the staff member at the window and say,
you know what,
I'm,
I'm paying for the person behind me,
right?

(05:56):
Is that a classic one?
That's absolutely,
I,
I,
I one that I really love
that that you can get your kids involved in
drive up to a toll booth,
you know,
and instead of stopping if if this is my driver's window,
I'm gonna pull up to the
to the next window behind me and my kids sitting behind me or,
or the child sitting behind me,
you know,
and give them the dollar bill,
give them the $2 whatever,
and they,
and they get into it.

(06:16):
So you know what,
I'm gonna pay for the toll for the for the person behind me.
And that's just a simple way to get your kids involved and I,
I have parents coming to me saying my kids love it we go
through a toll booth now they have to they have to do it,
you know,
and that's,
that's just part of it,
you know,
is,
is,
is making the world a better place and parents.
Looking for ways
to get their kids involved in in activities like that and I

(06:39):
wanna ask you some more about that what parents can do,
but before we do,
what tell us a little bit more about your
your Time 1 million project.
Basically last year,
um,
I decided I wanted to do something big.
I,
I just wanted to make a difference.
A few years ago I was,
I was depressed,
barely able to function on a daily basis,
and the thing that really pulled me out of the depression was
I started writing letters to people in my life for whom I was grateful.

(07:02):
And that started pulling me out of a depression,
but
more than that is oftentimes I,
I would drop these in the mailbox.
Oftentimes 3 or 4 days later I get a phone call from these people sometimes in tears
just saying I can't believe I got this in the mail.
This is
amazing,
you know,
it changed my day,
it changed my week and I thought this literally took me 10 minutes,
uh,
you know,

(07:22):
an envelope,
a stamp,
and,
and a letter.
And I changed this person's day and it was making me
feel better about myself and my life and taking the focus
off all my negatives so I said you know what,
I gotta,
I gotta change.
I,
I gotta change what I'm doing and I just gotta help more people understand this,
you know,
whether you're depressed,
whether you're you're loving life,
whatever,
it just improves your life to be able to go out and and

(07:45):
help others intentionally go out and look for ways to help others.
The the one that I I love to uh share is.
Um,
when we take the time to pay compliments to people,
I,
I walked into a pharmacy
and there was a young lady behind the counter and she probably was like 16,
barely 1617,
probably her first job she looked really nervous

(08:06):
and I bought a product and I take my money out ready to pay for it,
and she goes,
you know,
sir,
if you look,
there's a coupon there,
if you tear it off,
you're gonna save,
you know,
$5 and I'm like.
Thank you for doing that for me.
So on the way out of the store,
I grabbed one of those comment cards
and a couple of days later I was in my office and I filled it out and and uh mailed it in.
Well,
the company did something with her because her mother

(08:30):
tracked me down,
actually called my office and said,
crying,
you don't know what you did by sending that
comment card because people complain all the time,
but we don't take the opportunity to,
to acknowledge when people do good stuff,
right?
Absolutely,
absolutely,
yeah,
you go to.
Trying you,
you call for a manager to come to your table.
What's,
what's everyone thinking?
Uh oh,
something's wrong,

(08:50):
but you,
you call a manager over and you got a,
uh,
you know,
17 year old,
18 year old,
you know,
waiting table waiting your table,
and you say,
you know what,
I just wanna tell you what a great wait what a great job this person is doing.
You know how far that goes.
That's amazing to people and especially in today's negative society.
I did that the other day.
I went in to have photocopies made and the young lady was,
she smiled at me and she was so kind and

(09:12):
and just so after she took care of my transaction,
I said,
I want,
where's your manager?
Call your manager right now.
And she started to get the fear and I called him over and I said,
you did an awesome thing,
sir,
by hiring this young lady because
I feel really good about coming here.
I can't wait to come back and bring you more business.
That's absolutely.
And,
and when you got kids,
you know,

(09:33):
a parenting show here and you got kids that are with you when you.
Do that that that rubs off on them,
you know,
later on
whether it's whether it's when they're adults or maybe
it's later on and you know while they're still teens
they they notice that and they,
they,
they figure it out and they know that that's
that's going a long way and that's making a difference
and it starts to rub off on them.

(09:54):
That that's that's the issue today with bullying with alcohol with drugs is
is the self-esteem of kids today
they don't understand the power they have to make a difference
and once they understand that once they understand the fact that
they,
that one person,
they make a difference they can go out and they
can change someone's day by being kind to them,
you know what that does their self-esteem and their self worth,

(10:15):
their self confidence they don't need to bully kids anymore.
They don't need to turn to drugs.
They don't need to turn to alcohol
because they feel good about themselves because of who they are.
And I think when that happens when we actually participate in and acts like that
physiological changes happen in the brain in the body we feel different
and what I tell parents is,
you know,

(10:35):
when,
when you,
when your teenager does enough of that stuff.
It actually starts to build them to become bully proof
because the whole secret to being bully proof is if
I feel good inside nobody can knock me down
absolutely it it's all about self confidence and self worth
yeah you you can you can call me baldy all you want but I know who I am,
you know what I mean but if if I didn't,

(10:56):
if I,
if I didn't have good self confidence,
good self worth,
you call me bald,
may,
you know,
may,
may mess with me,
and I may say he's he's.
Bullying me whereas you know you may be just joking around.
I'll joke back you know what I mean that's exactly,
that's exactly right.
So parents,
uh,
tips for parents.
One is,
uh,
to set an example in front of the children do it,

(11:16):
uh,
not only for the act of doing it,
but,
but do it because the kids are watching or listening.
What else could we suggest?
get them involved,
get the kids involved.
Uh,
I was at the airport one day,
my,
my 11 year old at the time he was 11,
and we saw a gentleman in his fatigues,
you know,
getting ready to go by breakfast.
We were like.
10 people in line we're at the end
and I said to my son,
I gave him a $20 bill.

(11:37):
I said,
run up and pay for that guy's meal,
you know,
just tell him thank you for your service and I'm thinking he's not gonna do it.
I gave him the money and he ran up there and he did it.
And that guy came over and he shook his hand and he shook my hand
and uh it was just an awesome moment that that's
gonna that's gonna make a lasting impression on him.
So get your kids involved in doing this stuff at a toll booth,
simple things,

(11:58):
you know,
teach him to open the door for for someone,
anyone,
you know,
uh,
get up out of your seat when uh a lady's there or,
you know,
an elderly person's there and and they don't have a seat.
Teach them to get up and.
And,
and that's,
that's what it's all about that stuff sticks,
you know,
when they're,
when they're 1213,
1415 years old,
that stuff sticks in their mind when it happens over and over again.

(12:18):
So when they become adults,
and they're gonna teach their kids
and they're gonna continue to,
to perform acts of kindness and pay for themselves.
Yeah,
it sure does and it,
and like I said,
it just feels good they're gonna tell their friends about it.
Uh,
the more that we do that,
the more we feel better about it knowing that we're raising a generation
that's gonna be focused more on helping

(12:38):
and,
and,
and paying it forward to,
to help people out.
I think it got an awesome mission,
uh,
Doctor Steel and.
We get so many chances to set an example for our kids
of being in service to others,
and unfortunately,
too much mind chatter for many parents
causes them to miss them.
As a parent,

(12:58):
I worked hard at teaching my kids by looking for examples of acts of service around us
wherever we happen to be at the moment.
One day,
my son and I had just pulled into the parking lot
at the mall,
and I saw an event
that I used to teach my young son.
I brought his attention to a car just ahead of us.
An elderly couple had just pulled up,

(13:21):
and the woman was driving.
She got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side
to open the door for the man who may have been her husband.
Handing him a cane,
she helped him exit the car,
and together they walked hand in hand into the mall.
I wanted my son to see that act of kindness,
and that it didn't matter whether the person being helped was a man or a woman.

(13:44):
Children and teens can learn acts of kindness by
witnessing events,
seeing examples set by their parents,
or even better participating in events of kindness themselves,
just like our Thanksgiving Day.
What have you done to teach the art of paying it forward to your children?
What can you do to keep the lesson going for them?

(14:07):
If you have questions that I can answer for you,
I hope you will consider joining my raising an Independent child Facebook page.
I'd love to hear from you and help you implement some of these ideas.
But let me caution you,
don't try to implement everything you learn in this podcast all at once.
It could overwhelm you.

(14:28):
Pick just one or two tips at a time and do them over and over and over.
Then replay the episodes at a later time to learn more.
Thanks again for listening,
and please consider sharing or subscribing to this podcast.
All information in this podcast is the property
of Bill Corbett and Cooperative Kids Publishing.
Copyright,

(14:48):
2023,
all rights reserved.