20 - Getting Kids in Bed On Time and to Stay There

I'm Bill Corbett, the author of the book LOVE, LIMITS & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS and I've spent over 25 years working with parents and teachers with children with challenging behaviors. How would you like to have your children in bed on time most nights and to STAY in bed? Then you're going to enjoy listening to the solutions I have to offer in this episode. 

It's bad enough that we parents are soooo tired at the end of the day. And if the bedtime routine that you've been dealing with seems to go on for hours, parenting in your home could be a nightmare with endless yelling. As in most parenting tips that I offer, success with your kids means setting things up in advance is key. Successful routines start with rules, boundaries and patterns that children can follow.

So when you're creating routines, you'll be more successful with your children if you practice them with the kids in advance and as often as you can. Children learn by watching and then participating in somewhat of a practice or make believe mode. You won't be very successful if you suddenly spring a change on them without warning. It's normal for them to resist because change feels uncomfortable for them. It's uncomfortable for anyone, even adults. So you'll be more successful with anything you've learned in this podcast if you set up practice runs with the kids so they will expect new routines to happen.

In this episode I'm reading a chapter from my book, Love, Limits & Lessons: A Parent's Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids. It's available in paperback, kindle and now on Audible.

Whether children should be allowed to sleep in bed with their parents or in their own is a personal choice for the adults involved. I can quote experts and present evidence-based data to support both sides of this discussion. This article offers suggestions for those parents who have decided not to practice family bed sharing and who need help in getting the kids to their own beds and remain there.    Bedtime can be a very stressful time of day for families. Parents and children come together after a tiring day of work or school and yearn to reconnect with each other. While parents do want that reconnection, they also see an evening full of tasks that must be attended to before they can truly unwind and relax. But with all those dinner, homework and cleanup tasks that must be accomplished, it becomes difficult to allow that reconnection to occur as it should. Oftentimes, the children feel frustrated, sensing that their caregivers aren’t there 100%, so they express the frustration even further through misbehavior and a lack of cooperation.   When bedtime arrives, it can take an hour or more just to get the kids into bed and to remain there. By the time they do, parents are exhausted and dreading having to do it all again tomorrow night. Keep in mind that children don’t like to go to bed because it means the end to their day and more importantly, the end to their time with parents. They also seem to have this sense that a party begins once they are put to bed and don’t want to miss out, so they will do whatever they can to delay it. To help with this process, here are 10 things parents can do to make bedtime work more effectively.

Six Preparation Steps for the New Bedtime • Allow your child to find some way of personalizing her room. From picking out a new lamp shade to an entirely new paint scheme, letting her be as creative as possible will help her feel as though the room really belongs to her. 

• Keep bedtime consistent and on time. Determine what bedtime will be going forward and announce it to the children. If an event or activity causes a late night, don’t let the plan fall apart. Reinforce the boundary the following evening and keep moving forward.

• Create a checklist of all bedtime activities that must be completed in the half hour or hour prior to bedtime. Allow them to help you make the list and then post it for all to see. For toddlers and preschoolers, create large drawings or cutouts to represent each activity and tape them at the child’s eye level on a wall in sequence. 

• Minimize the number of toys kept in the children’s bedroom. They are able to fall asleep best when there are few distractions in their rooms. 

• Avoid allowing your children to have entertainment electronics such as televisions, DVD players, computers, or video games in their bedrooms.

• Purchase a visual timer to manage the schedule of bedtime activities.

 

Four Steps for Implementing the New Process

• On the day you decide to begin the new process for bedtime, make an official announcement that you’re going to do some different things at bedtime tonight. Be sure to get to the kids eye level and use an exciting tone of voice when announcing the change. Say to them, “Starting tonight, once you’re ready for bed and I have tucked you in, I can’t speak to o

Episode Transcript

(00:07):
I'm Bill Corbett,
author of the book,
Love limits and lessons.
A parent's guide to raising cooperative kids and I've spent over 25 years working with parents and teachers with Children with challenging behaviors.
How would you like to have your Children in bed on time most nights and staying in their beds,
then you're gonna enjoy listening to the solutions I have to offer in this episode.

(00:30):
Now it's bad enough that we parents are so tired at the end of the day and if the bedtime routine that you've been dealing with seems to go on for hours parenting in your home could be a nightmare with endless yelling.
As in most parenting tips that I offer success with your kids means setting things up in advance is really key successful routines start with rules and boundaries and patterns that Children can follow.

(00:57):
So when you're creating routines,
you'll be more successful with your Children if you practice them with the kids in advance and as often as you can,
Children learn by watching and then participating in somewhat of a practice or make believe mode,
you won't be very successful if you suddenly spring a change on them without warning.

(01:18):
Now it's normal for them to resist because change feels uncomfortable for them.
In fact,
it's uncomfortable for anyone,
even adults,
so you'll be more successful with anything you've learned in this podcast if you set up practice runs with the kids so they will expect new routines to happen in this episode.

(01:39):
I'm reading a chapter from my book,
Love limits and lessons.
A parent's guide to raising cooperative kids,
It's available in paperback Hindle and now on audible chapter 59 10 tips for the bedtime routine.
Whether Children should be allowed to sleep in bed with their parents or in their own bed is a personal choice for the adults involved.

(02:03):
I can quote experts and present evidence based data to support both sides of this discussion,
but it comes from a question that I'm asked often at my workshops.
Let me offer some suggestions for those parents who have decided to not practice the family bed sharing and who need help in getting the kids to their own beds and remain there.
Bedtime can be a very stressful time of day for families,

(02:25):
parents and Children when they come together after a tiring day of work or school and yearn to reconnect with each other while parents do want that re connection,
they also see an evening full of tasks that must be attended to before they can truly unwind and relax.
Speaking as a parent myself with three Children,
I can attest to how difficult can be in the evenings for parents,

(02:49):
But with all those dinner homework and cleanup tasks that must be accomplished,
it becomes difficult to allow that reconnection to occur as it should oftentimes the Children feel frustrated sensing that their caregivers aren't there 100% so they express the frustration even further through misbehavior in a lack of cooperation when bedtime arrives,
it can take an hour or more just to get the kids into bed and to remain there by the time they do,

(03:14):
parents are exhausted and dreading having to do it all again tomorrow night.
Keep in mind that Children don't like to go to bed because it means the end to their day and more importantly,
the end to their time with parents.
They also seem to have this sense that a party begins once they're put to bed and don't want to miss out so they will do whatever they can to delay it To help with this process here are 10 things parents can do to make bedtime work more effectively.

(03:41):
1st 6 preparation steps for the new bedtime allow your child to find some way of personalizing her room from picking out a new lampshade to an entirely new paint scheme,
letting her be as creative as possible will help her feel as though the room really belongs to her and she'll want to be there more.
Keep bedtime consistent and on time,

(04:02):
determine what bedtime will be going forward and announce it to the Children.
If an event or activity causes a late night,
don't let the plan fall apart,
reinforce the boundary of the following evening and keep moving forward.
Create a checklist of all bedtime activities that must be completed in the half hour or hour prior to bedtime,

(04:22):
allow them to help you make the list and then post it for all to see for toddlers and preschoolers create large drawings.
Or you can purchase cutouts that represent each of the activities at bedtime for a young child and then tape them high on the wall out of their reach that they can see in sequence.
I'm gonna go off script here just for a minute.

(04:43):
I did this with my kids and one of the places I stopped at was a parent teacher store,
a parent teacher supply store where you can get large cut outs of each of the items at bedtime.
For example,
a pair of pajamas,
a storybook,
a toilet,
a toothbrush,
all of these things that you can get as large cutouts,

(05:03):
which was great.
And then we taped them high on the wall near the ceiling and we had the kids read off what each of the items were in sequence.
In fact,
they would report to a line.
I put a little piece of tape on the floor,
they would all get their toes on the line and they would look at each item,
read off what it was and then go run and do it,
then come back and report to the line and do the next one.

(05:25):
And they loved it.
It was just a fun game and it made getting them in bed a lot more effective.
Now that doesn't mean that they didn't whine and cry about once it was time to tuck them in bed.
But there's more coming up here in this chapter about what to do about that.
So take each thing and do each 11 at a time and get good at it.
All right back to the script,

(05:46):
minimize the amount of toys kept in the child's bedroom.
They are able to fall asleep best when there are few distractions in their rooms,
avoid allowing your Children to have entertainment electronics such as televisions,
DVD players,
computers or video games in their bedrooms,
purchase a visual timer to manage the schedule of bedtime activities.

(06:07):
I'm gonna go off script here again.
I know I mentioned this a couple of times.
Visual timers are the most amazing invention and if you take a look at my Youtube channel,
I've actually got a video in there on how to use it.
Go to time timer dot com.
Time timer dot com and look at their visual timers.
They are amazing for getting Children young and adolescents to understand time frames to get stuff done.

(06:30):
Give that a try again.
Time timer dot com.
Alright,
back to the script.
four steps for implementing the new process on the day you decide to begin the new process for bedtime,
make an official announcement that you're going to do some different things at bedtime tonight.
And again,
I just want to insert here for a minute,
The more official that you make as an announcement,

(06:50):
the more they feel respected,
the more likely they are to listen to you.
Be sure to do what you can to get to the kid's eye level and use an exciting tone of voice when announcing the change off script here for a minute.
It's really hard to sound exciting when you're tired at the end of the day,
but you know what,
they don't care.
You really want to use an exciting tone.

(07:12):
You're gonna engage them more,
you're gonna get them to listen more,
do what you can wake yourself up and sound exciting to your kids.
All right back to the script,
say to them starting tonight,
once you're ready for bed and I have tucked you in,
I can't speak to or look at you until the morning for younger Children role play what it will look like and feel like it may frighten them.

(07:35):
If you suddenly stop talking,
recreate bedtime with them earlier in the day and not at the actual bedtime so that they'll be prepared in knowing what it looks like when you don't speak to them anymore.
Explain to the Children that getting into bed on time and staying there as part of cooperation,
the more they cooperate with you,
the more likely you are to cooperate with them when they want things,

(07:56):
explain to them that you are so excited that they're going to cooperate with you.
Take cooperation one step further by asking for each child's agreement to stay in bed,
ask her to repeat the agreement and then excitedly thank her for cooperating with you 30 to 60 minutes prior to the official bedtime announced that getting ready for bed time has now begun bring out the visual timer,

(08:20):
set it and end all stimulating activities including television and rough play,
going off script a little bit as a dad stopping,
rough play before bed was so hard for me.
I'm telling you my wife scolded me so many times because I was not really excited about them going to bed and losing them in that moment.

(08:41):
Especially getting a second wind at night when you work in an office all day.
I was so guilty of rough play with them.
Rough play and tumbling and tickling and I was the elephant and they would ride on my back and I'd run through the house horseback rides,
but you really can't do that.
Don't get them riled up.
All right back to the book.
Make all the bedtime activities such as brushing teeth party and getting into PJs fun by being playful with them,

(09:07):
not roughhouse playful Children love competition and racist.
So consider racing against the clock with the visual timer to get all the activities completed in time.
Finally tuck your Children into bed with your traditional routines and commit to not using your voice or eye contact until morning.

(09:28):
Now,
here comes the fun part if they get out of bed,
lead them back by placing your hand on their back and guiding them lovingly to their bed without speaking to them or looking at them do this as many times as necessary to get them back in there by doing this.
You are communicating to them that you are following through with your original intentions and they will actually respect you more for it.

(09:51):
If your child calls out to you and you are sure it is not an emergency,
I urge you do not respond,
ignore the calls for more water and stories,
that's their way to prolong it.
It is all a tactic to prolong having to go to sleep and to keep you engaged.
If your child becomes uncooperative and collapses on the floor,
gently pick him up,

(10:11):
bring him into his bed again,
do all of this without speaking to him or looking at him and avoid having any expression on your face,
mad or smiling,
looks of frustration or anger may delight him and motivate him to keep up the battle.
Start this new process in the night when you can stay up a little later as you may have to make quite a few trips on the first night of this new process.

(10:34):
If there are two caregivers in the home,
both should be ready to behave the same way and carry out these new procedures.
If you think it's going to be too difficult for both of you to do at the same time because sometimes Children will try to get in between the parents and play one against the other by the way,
I'm off script,
just for a moment.
What I urge you to do is have one parent go out for the evening or lock themselves into a home office or somewhere in the basement so that the kids can't access that one parent and have one parent be in charge again.

(11:02):
This can be a huge task.
If you're doing this for the very first time,
be consistent,
be peaceful,
be unconditionally loving.
One of the main points,
I hope you'll walk away with is a silent and loving mode of getting Children to a location to do something.
In this case it's getting them to bed.

(11:24):
It requires no speaking,
no emotional reaction,
placing your hand on the middle of the child's back and guiding them to that particular spot,
you need them to get to you.
Then walk away in silence.
To be successful with this,
you must set it all up in advance by telling your child what your new behavior is going to look like and then role playing with them so they can see it.

(11:49):
I use this methods to get my kids to pick up something that they left on the floor or to the location of where a chore was to be done uh,
to turn the television off when they left it on to the bathroom sink to get them to brush your teeth to their bed in their room or to the locations for so many other situations in the beginning,

(12:10):
they would try to engage me by asking me questions,
talking to me or even whining about having to be coached to a location.
Then came the phase,
which was probably the most fun for me.
They did not want me to go into the mechanical loving dad mode,
they hated it.
I would move toward them in a slow,

(12:30):
silent way with my hand extended and ready to place my hand on their backs and they would squeal all my with the light by saying don't touch me and they would actually run away from me to the location I needed them to go.
This really added more fun to the family dynamics.
They knew what I needed them to do and they had originally agreed to follow through on it.

(12:53):
Now,
I hope you will give this method of try and do it over and over until it becomes second nature to you and comfortable for your kids to experience.
If you have questions about what you've heard here,
I hope you'll consider joining my raising an independent child facebook page,
I'd love for you to be there and I love to be able to hear from you and help you implement some of these ideas in more detail but let me caution,

(13:18):
don't try to implement everything you learn in this podcast all at once.
It could overwhelm you.
So pick just one or two tips at a time and do them over and over.
Then go back and replay the episodes that later,
time to learn more.
Thanks again for listening,
and please consider sharing or subscribing to this podcast.

(13:38):
All information in this podcast is the property of Bill Corbett and Cooperative Kids Publishing Copyright 2023.
All rights reserved.