January 10, 2024 • 45 mins
In this episode, I wanted to address what bipolar anger and regular anger looks like. What causes anger outbursts in Bipolar episodes? Let's dive in and find out. #fyp #bipolar #mentalhealth #anger
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Good morning.
(00:02):
Well, good morning for me.
I don't know, good morning, good evening, good night.
What should I say for you?
Today's episode is going to be a little bit different.
Well, I mean, not that much different.
Today I wanted to go over anger and bipolar disorder.
I found this really cool, or not really cool,
but I found some articles and some information about
being bipolar and
being a bipolar.
And I found this article,
(00:24):
and I found this article,
and I found this article,
and being bipolar and
anger, and having anger issues,
anger problems. I know for me personally,
I am quick to anger.
I'll say that.
Not so much in a violent way,
or anything like that.
I get irritated
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really, really fucking easily.
Usually by dumb, dumb shit.
Something small.
And most of the time I'm irritated at myself.
More than anything else, I get irritated at myself for doing dumb shit.
And most of the time it's stuff that I could avoid.
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Something like carrying too much shit in my hand, so I'll try to open the front door.
You know, and then I drop the eggs.
You know, which hasn't ever happened, but as an example.
Sorry. You know, so anger is, I am quick to anger, but again it's usually over something
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stupid and small.
It's not usually over anything that's like really, really, if I get really angry about
something, I shut down.
I get quiet.
That's how you know I'm really pissed off about something is because I get quiet.
I don't talk.
Maybe if I'm really pissed off, I'll go start cleaning and shit.
I don't know why, but like that's my way of coping with anger is cleaning.
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That might be a military thing.
That might be an army thing that like it was just drilled into us that everything had to
be fucking clean.
And then when you have anything else to do, you cleaned.
When you finish cleaning, you clean more.
And then when you thought it was clean, it wasn't clean.
You had to clean it again.
You know, so I think just now, whenever I'm pissed off, that's what I do.
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I just revert back to cleaning.
I think that's just my kind of coping mechanism.
So I just kind of wanted to go over a little bit of what it's like or just kind of some
of the information that I found.
And while it's not an officially recognized symptom of bipolar disorder, irritability is
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common with dramatic mood shifts, which can lead to anger, alburs, and explosions with
devastating effects.
There's a quote by a doctor Guy Wynch.
Irritability is something we all experience, but what sets it apart from other emotional
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states is the extent to which it pollutes the emotional atmosphere around us.
Indeed irritability is the carbon monoxide of emotional pollutants.
I thought that was a pretty cool quote.
Because I mean, irritability is the carbon monoxide of emotional pollutants.
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That's a pretty profound thing to say.
I mean, that's pretty deep.
That's pretty in there.
I don't know.
Every time I read that, it kind of hits me a little bit harder.
Every time I see it, it's just, I don't know.
It is important to distinguish, however, everyday anger from irritable anger associated with
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bipolar disorder.
Everyday anger as an emotion is a response to an event broadly understood to evoke frustration,
disappointment, offense.
Oh man, it's not deep enough.
Endure anger in most people, including those living with bipolar, can be a healthy, even
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meaningful tool within boundaries.
The irritable anger associated with bipolar is most often associated with a mood episode,
a reaction that would be broadly considered disproportionate to a situation or trigger
a more intense reaction to events that frequently can be more eruptive.
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Again, doing too much at one time, that is a big problem for me.
Another thing is I'm always in a hurry to get nowhere.
For some reason, I am always in a rush.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I'm not going anywhere.
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I'm not in a rush.
I'm going to get where I'm going 20 minutes early and then I'm going to end up sitting
there and then I'm going to get pissed off in myself for being there for 20 fucking minutes
with nothing to fucking do.
Then I get irritable and then I get anxious because I'm sitting there with nothing to
do and I'm irritated because I'm anxious and I'm anxious because I'm irritated and
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it's just a vicious fucking cycle that never ends.
So I'm getting kind of irritated right now a little bit.
I can see the eruptiveness of it because I don't necessarily buy my girlfriend's head
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off but I will snap or I'll get what's the word I'm looking for.
The snippy is the word I'm looking for.
I'll get quick response, yes or no, real short answers.
It's pretty obvious that I'm pissed off.
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She usually knows that he's in a pissy mood.
Let me leave him alone.
The thing is, most of the time, I just need a few minutes to gather myself, get my shit
together, calm the fuck down and then we can move on from it.
Most of the time, I don't even want to fucking talk about it.
I just want to get through it, move on and then be done and then it's over.
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That doesn't always happen with your partner.
Sometimes your partner wants to drag the shit out and wants to talk about it and talk
about it and talk about it or gets mad because you don't want to talk about it, which irritates
you even more.
I feel like anger and irritability and bipolar disorder are like best friends.
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They go hand in hand.
They're like married.
They don't even know what I mean.
I feel like you can't be bipolar without having some sort of irritable anger issue.
Not to the Adam Sandler anger management issue, but like, was that Adam Sandler?
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I think it was Robert Nero.
I think it was Robert.
Fuck it.
You know what I mean when I'm talking about anger management.
Anyway, the point of it was, I feel like you can't have, and maybe you can't.
I don't know.
I can't speak for everybody that has bipolar because I don't know everybody that has bipolar
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disorder.
Bipolar is different for everybody.
It manifests in different ways for everybody, but I do know that irritability for me personally
is like a huge deal with my bipolar.
Something I was reading, it kind of makes me want to go back and kind of talk to my
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doctor about it because I have bipolar one disorder, which is pretty fucking intense.
Not to say that one is more than the other, but just to say that bipolar one is fucking
hard to deal with because it's so intense.
There's so much emotion that comes with having bipolar, but the having bipolar period, but
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bipolar one specifically for me is like there's so much emotion that goes into it.
You can get like astrological or whatever my girlfriend likes to do, and you could say
that it's like, you know, because I'm a, you know, a Libra and double cancer, you know,
or whatever.
So I'm like an air and water sign.
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So I'm super emotional and floating and flighting.
My head's always up in the clouds, which isn't completely inaccurate.
All of that is pretty accurate, but I don't, I don't feel like it's because I'm a double
cancer.
I feel like it's because I fucking buy bipolar disorder.
You know, so I feel like to me it's, it's one of those things that like they kind of
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go hand in hand.
You know what I mean?
Like you, if you're going to, if you have bipolar disorder, you're probably going to
have an anger issue of some sort.
But like what like causes of anger?
So like irritability and anger are associated with all mood episodes.
So it's important to monitor when and how anger manifests throughout the mood spectrum.
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This allows individuals to identify their personal, personal triggers for bipolar anger.
Common triggers include decreased sleep, increased anxiety, medication changes or lapses, hormonal
changes, increased stress, all of which most people I feel like with bipolar disorder,
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it like, we all experience that, especially like decreased sleep.
There's your mania increased anxiety.
That's on a daily fucking basis.
Medication changes or lapses.
That can happen just because you, because the other two things are happening.
Because you're having less sleep and because you're having increased anxiety, you might
have to change your medication, which can cause more decreased sleep or cause more anxiety.
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Like I know I had to take anxiety pills, but also to be very careful with that because
those anxiety pills can cause my depression or throw me into a depressive state.
And so I have to be careful when and how I take my medication, my anxiety medication,
because if I don't go to parties, but let's say if I was to go to, because I don't drink
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or do drugs or anything, but, and that's not the only reason I go to parties, but anxiety
is more than the reason why I go to parties.
And I'm also 36 years old and parties are just kind of not my scene anymore.
So, but I mean like, so medication changes in, in even like I've had to switch, I've,
I've personally had to switch medicines.
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The only thing that I've stayed consistent on since I started like actually taking medication
for bipolar disorder is linogeal.
Limogeal gene.
It's the only thing that I've, that's gonna stay consistent.
I've tried, I've gone through all kind of different things and like now I'm on well
butchering, which seems to work pretty well.
And which, okay.
So well butchering, that's another thing.
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Like so I'm talking about medication, like well butchering, I used to take two, two a
day.
I had to take one in the morning and one at night.
And it got to the point that like my irritability was fucking not good.
It was real bad.
And so we had, we ended up having to switch.
We had to, like we had to cut back.
I can only take one well butchering a day now.
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And I feel like honestly, I feel like the well butchering helps, but I'm, I'm kind of at
a point now where I feel like I might need to switch to a different medication because
I do feel like my irritability is still there.
But again, that's, I also have, I only sleep three, maybe four hours a night, maybe.
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You know, on a good night.
So, and that's with sleep medication.
You know, and so like I, I'm still not, I'm, I think it's for me.
It's a combination of all of it.
Like I think decreased sleep, increased anxiety, you know, hormonal changes.
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And so that's another thing.
Like I don't like having an addiction with bipolar disorder is very, very common.
And whenever you have an addiction, they say that whenever you like, for me, it was alcohol.
They say when you start drinking is when you stop maturing.
You stop becoming like you stop growing up.
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And like you're basically your mental state stops at whatever age you started drinking.
Well, I started drinking at pretty young.
I started drinking when I was like 12, 13 years old, I'm 36 and I've been sober for
three and a half years.
So like what over 20 years that I drank, you know, heavily, I would say heavily drank for
probably about 10, 10 to 12 years.
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But you know, when you are putting your body through that, like through those, through
that addiction, your, your hormones are all irradiated and all kind of messed up and all
kind of jack like all kind of all over the place.
And so like whenever you get sober, those hormones have to like have to start balancing
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and they have to start coming like you started learning new emotions and like new things
that you didn't know.
Like, like I get sad really easy.
Like, I, I hate to admit this and it's not like, it's only because it's you guys that
I'm able to share this with.
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But like, I get teary eyed at almost any emotional scene in any movie.
Like, like the notebook fucking tears me apart.
Like, I'll be honest with you.
That movie is like, it's a tearjerker.
It's like you can't help if you don't fucking tear up at least once during that movie, you
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you had no soul.
I'm joking there.
I don't want to get in trouble with anybody, but it's such a like, but that's an emotion
that like I never would have had before.
You know, whenever I was drinking, I would just like, this is a fucking stupid movie.
I would have got more drunk just to avoid having to pay attention to it to be honest
with you.
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But once I was sober, I was watching it was like, you know, I mean, you just couldn't
help yourself.
You know, it was just it's ridiculous.
I don't know.
But anyway, but I digress we're kind of getting off topic here.
But that's what I do because, you know, bipolar, ADHD, anger and mania and or hypomania.
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So when bipolar anger is connected to hypomania to a hypomania or manic episode, it can initially
manifest as anxiety and patients, irritability and rudeness.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
In 2005, researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston found that 40% of patients
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with bipolar had had had significant levels of irritability within one within a one week
period.
If not caught early and managed adequately, irritability can escalate to hostility, explosive
outbursts and sudden rage.
Yeah.
So let's go back to the anxiety and patients and irritability and rudeness.
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Sorry about the coffin.
I hit my fate before this and it's just been kicking my butt since then.
So back to the anxiety and impatience.
My impatience is horrible.
And it's it's because I like, okay, so I just don't have patience for I don't even know
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how to explain it.
Like, okay, so here's an example.
My girlfriend takes forever to get in or out of the car.
We get into the car like, here's me.
I get into the car.
I start the car, I hook my phone up, I wait for it to load and then I'm gone.
The longest part of me being like me starting my car is waiting for my phone to sync up
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to my car.
So like through car player, whatever, so that I can actually like use the GPS and Spotify
and all that without having to you know, hands free or whatever, which irritates me because
I have to sit there and wait for a fucking phone to to load.
You see what I'm saying?
Like so it's one of those frustrating things.
I don't know.
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But for me, it's real, it's real simple.
You get in, you start the car, you go, you know, unless it's cold or whatever or it's
hot and you want to go start the car early and then let it run, cool off, warm up, whatever.
But if I'm like, let's say I'm in a hurry, I'm late for class or something.
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And I go to start like I run, I get in my car, I started and I go, there's no like,
I don't have to get in.
I like she'll get in.
She'll like search their playlists for music to listen to.
She'll, you know, text somebody or, you know, or whatever it is the fuck she does.
Like it takes her 10 minutes to get in the car and take off.
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I'm like, I can't do that.
Or even when she gets home, she'll call me and say something like, hey, you know, I'm
pulling into the parking lot.
Can you come downstairs and help me, help me with the dog?
Yeah, no problem.
And she's like, I'm pulling into the parking lot now.
I'm like, all right, cool.
So knowing that she's going to still take about two extra minutes before she even pulls
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up to the parking spot in the parking lot, I wait a couple of minutes and then I go
downstairs and then I still end up waiting.
She finally pulls into the spot and then she sits there and now I'm sitting here looking
like an idiot waiting for her to come on me, like to turn off the car.
You know what I mean?
Like I just, like I feel stupid.
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And then like, I got to wait and she turned off her music.
She's texting her mom back or whatever, you know, whatever it is.
And then like, so it's just one of the, I don't, I just like that kind of irritates
me.
My biggest pet peeve in the world and I like is, is to hear people chew or to hear people
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eat.
I can't even say to hear myself eat.
Like I have to turn on TV or music and I don't even give a shit what's on just as long as
there's something in the background so that I don't hear myself chew or I don't hear somebody
else chewing because it just, it bugs the ever-loving piss right out of me.
And so like that, and that leads to those outbursts, those, or like sudden rage.
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Like, I will find myself talking about something and get pissed off.
Like, like let's say my girlfriend and I are watching something and somebody says something
on TV and I'm like, no, fuck that bitch.
That bitch does not know what she's talking about.
She's stupid, blah, blah, blah.
Like I'll go off on this like 10 minute rant about some stupid lady on fucking out on survivor
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because she said something dumb.
You know, or he, you know, like he said whatever, not trying to be like, you know, gender specific
or whatever or discriminate against anybody.
I'm just saying like, somebody might say something stupid and I'm like, that's absolutely, you
know, I'd bullshit and you know, and I'd lose my shit on TV.
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I'm a fucking survivor.
It's a TV show and I lose my absolute fucking mind sometimes.
And like, and my girlfriend, she just kind of sits there and she has this look on her
face like, you're getting really mad about nothing.
Like you need to chill the fuck out.
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It's like I get those explosive outbursts and the sudden rage anger and irritability are
often associated with depressive episodes, especially if a person has an anxiety disorder
or dealing with an agitated depression.
As with many as with manic or hyper manic episodes bipolar anger and depression can
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also take the form of frustration and patients and a visual eventual hostility or rage called
anger attacks.
So I'll say I've never had anger attacks.
I've never like attacked anybody because I was mad or anything.
In fact, I rarely ever get into like any kind of real altercations.
Even when I was younger, I didn't get into too many of them.
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For my sauce, I'm not a big guy, but I can get pretty loud, which scares people sometimes
because people like they look at this little person and then this little person gets real
fucking loud and in their face.
And like, like I can be intimidating for a small person.
I can get up in a big person's face and make them feel real small, real fast.
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And like not to like boost my masculinity or anything like that.
I'm just saying that like people are scared of crazy people.
And when you piss me off, I get in your face and I seem like a fucking crazy person.
Like I don't give a shit if I live or die.
I only give a shit whether you live or die.
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Like that sounds horrible too.
That sounds really, really bad.
But like when it comes to that, like I don't, there is no like, if it's gotten to the point
where we're about to actually fist fight, all bets are off.
I don't give a shit anymore because at that point I'm defending myself.
And if I'm defending myself, I'm going to win.
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Like if I don't give a shit if I get to pick up an equalizer and beat your ass with a fucking
a Pogo stick, that's what I'll fucking do.
You see right here anger.
Like I didn't even like I'm not even talking about anything really in that anger.
That's irritation.
That's frustration.
Or hypotheticals.
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Like and that's the thing is like I will get so mad or frustrated over a hypothetical
shit.
Like it hasn't happened, won't happen or you know, like I get so irritated over hypotheticals.
Like and I work myself up into real tizzies about hypothetical shit.
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Like I'm constantly in my head about hypothetical shit.
I don't know.
It's intense.
But I would never say that I've had like an anger attack.
Like I've never attacked anybody or like fought somebody or anything like that because I was
irritable and angry.
Screamed at them maybe but never like actually physically all three.
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Like put my hands on anybody.
Which is so anger attacks.
When not well managed and especially during acute mood episodes, anger can result in explosive
outbursts and aggression.
In 2004, study published in the Journal of Effective Disorders reported that at least
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a third of bipolar patients described angry outbursts called anger attacks.
Recognizing, preventing and managing anger bipolar, effectively addressing anger bipolar
anger typically depends on self awareness, stress reduction and identifying and managing
personal triggers.
Increase self awareness and mindfulness, journal regularly, track some, these are different
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things like ways to manage your typical anger issues or to like reduce stress or increase
self awareness.
So increase self awareness and mindfulness, journal regularly, track symptoms and moods.
That's a big one for me.
I tried to do that and it does help.
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I will say it does help because you can kind of get an idea of like okay, what, because
it helps identify your triggers.
It can help you say okay, well on this day I was depressed but I was depressed because
of this or you know, was I depressed because of anything in particular or was I frustrated
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all day that day?
What was it that made me frustrated?
You know, things like that.
So tracking your mood and your symptoms, to me is really, really helpful.
I don't do it as much as I should, 100% honest about that but it does help.
It is, I think it's a helpful tool.
Focusing on the present moment, that is so difficult for me to do just because I'm constantly,
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I'm a hypothetical.
I'm constantly living in hypotheticals.
I cannot stay out of hypotheticals.
I don't know why.
I'm just, I'm constantly in this like hypothetical what if, what if, what if and if and if and
if type of life and I need to get out of that.
I need to, I need to learn how to live more in the present moment and not into what if,
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what could happen type, type of lifestyle.
Pause or reflect before reacting.
That is a big one for me.
I, a lot of times, and I'm getting better at it.
I'm starting to get better.
I think that comes with old, over age maturity.
You learn to slow down and you learn to just kind of say, okay, is what I'm about to say
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actually worth saying or is it worth, like, is what's about to come out of my mouth worth
the air, worth the breath that I'm about to waste saying it.
Like, is that actually useful?
Is it, is it worth it?
You know, so like pausing to reflect before I actually like say anything or react to a
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situation is hard, but it does say practice, but it does help.
Reduce stress and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
So a lot of these have to do with like meditation type things or, you know, self-awareness,
you know, like deep breathing visualization, listening to calming music, focusing on engaging
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task or hobby, meditation, regular exercise, follow in a daily routine, practicing good
sleep hygiene.
I am fucking horrible at that.
I don't know why or what, what the problem is, but I don't sleep.
I just don't sleep.
I wish I did, but I don't.
Which also helps go into my, like push my frustration and my irritability.
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This is a good one.
I really liked because it's, it's something that I think that if you can do this, it'll,
a lot of the other things will, will kind of fall in place.
So like establish and stick to a plan for addressing anger outbursts at the earliest
sign of reach at the earliest sign, reach out for support from loved ones in person,
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online support groups and treatment team members.
If you can set up a daily routine or in a plan, if you can establish a plan that says, okay,
whenever I get angry, this is what I'm going to do.
It helps you start doing things like pause and reflect before you react.
And if you have that plan in place, most of the times you're going to do that without
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even realizing that you're doing it.
Like you're going to, you're going to sit, you're going to find yourself stopping and
looking back and saying, should I really say this?
Should I do this?
You know, and it just kind of falls into place.
I think once you have, and I think that's something that you, your doctor and your family
need to sit down and come up with a plan together because it's not like if you just try to come
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up with a plan by yourself, you're probably going to fail because we as bipolar people
tend to do that.
We, you know, we will set ourselves up for failure by doing something like that.
Like, okay, I'm going to set this plan in motion.
I'm going to, you know, it's going to work out perfectly fine.
I'm going to stick to it every single day and blah, blah, blah.
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But then it's hard for us to hold ourselves accountable for it or to, you know, to actually
stick to it.
It's easier when you have other people involved because they can keep you accountable.
They can say, hey, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.
Here's how, you know, we need to get you back on track.
You know, and so I think having that support system, and I've preached this a million times,
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having a support system is like the number one thing that anybody with any kind of mental
disorder, really anybody period should have, but especially if you have a mental disorder,
like bipolar disorder, having a support team and support system around you is like imperative,
especially.
Like specifically for me because I'm a recovering alcoholic and I have bipolar disorder, I have
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to have other people be like, hey, put yourself in check with a homie because you're about
to fucking, you're about to go off the deep end, you know.
And sometimes that's humbling, you know, sometimes that's fucking irritable, you're
irritating and it pisses you off, but at the same time, when you go back and you reflect
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on it, you realize that was a humbling experience and it made me appreciate the fact that somebody
there gave a shit enough about me to say, hey, you need to fucking check yourself, you
know, because you're about to wreck yourself.
I hope people get some of the references that I say because like I'm 36 years old, so like
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I'm used to a lot of like old references and I use them a lot and I hope that people get
them, like my audience is generally about my age.
So I feel like most of you get it, most of you get the references, but for any of the
younger audiences or like the older audiences, like if you don't get it, send me a message,
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let me know or something and I'll try to explain it, I don't know.
But anyway, it has become increasingly clear that many people fall on the bipolar spectrum,
which involves a wide range of symptoms that vary in severity and encompass both high and
low moods.
When experienced simultaneously, it's called a mixed episode.
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So here's a problem while I find with that statement.
It says increasingly clear that many people fall on the bipolar spectrum.
I don't agree with that.
I will agree that most people fall on the autistic spectrum because that spectrum is
so much wider.
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There are so many different symptoms and so many different diagnosis that come along with
autism that you, it's more people fall on that spectrum.
In fact, everybody falls on that spectrum.
It just depends on where on that spectrum you fall as far as how severe your, your,
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I don't want to say something, your diagnosis might be, you know, like my uncle has down
syndrome.
That is hardcore on the autistic spectrum.
Like that's, that's way on the spectrum.
That's not, that's not like, oh, well, he kind of has some, some quirks about it.
Like no, my uncle has full blown fucking down syndrome, has the brain of a seven year old
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and he's in his fucking sixties, you know, like he's real autistic.
And, which I'm going to go and this might piss some people off, but it pisses me off
because it takes away from the fact that I am bipolar and it takes away from the severity
of my disease, my, my, my issue is that it has become so increasingly like, like prominent
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or prevalent or prominent or like so many people these days are saying things that they're,
that they're autistic.
I like, I'm on this app because I'm a student's, I'm a student.
I'm on this app called Yicac, which is supposed to be anonymous or whatever.
And it is, I guess, but the thing is that like, there's so many people on there that
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are like, it must be my autism that's acting up today.
And that's why I can't focus like, no, bitch, you can't focus because you stayed up all
night drinking and fucking partying and now you can't, you stayed up till three in the
fucking morning and now you have class at eight and you can't, you're, you didn't do
any homework last night.
That's why that's what your fucking problem is.
It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're autistic.
(33:10):
Like, no, I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety.
Technically I was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome because I have facial tics.
Like, I have actual fucking issues and whenever I hear somebody say something like, oh, it's
just my autism acting up today or, you know, I can't sleep because of my autism or, you
(33:31):
know, what it's like to be autistic.
And then they post this fucking picture of a werewolf or some shit, like, get the fuck
over yourself.
That's not the same thing.
That's not the same thing.
And for you to sit there and take that and minimize the fact that people live with real
actual issues pisses me the fuck off.
See, here we go.
(33:52):
Irritability.
And I'm like, but I feel like that's a real issue to be irritable and angry about because
you're diminishing my problems, the things, my daily issues, the struggles that I have
to live with on a daily routine, on a daily basis.
You're sitting here and saying that, oh, you can't get your homework done because you're,
(34:14):
you know, because your, your autism is acting up.
Autism doesn't act up.
Autism isn't a, isn't a, isn't a flare up like a, like a gout or something.
You know, it doesn't just act up.
No, autism is autism.
You either have it or you don't.
You either, you're either, I mean, again, everybody's on that spectrum, but you're either,
(34:35):
you're either autistic or you're fucking not, you know, like, I don't see how you can sit
there and say, you know, oh, it's my autism acting up today.
And that's why I couldn't, I couldn't focus in class.
And okay, well, then you might want to just say you have ADHD.
That's what you have.
Just sit there and say, oh, I'm autistic.
To use that word autistic takes away from people who actual have, who have like real
(35:00):
actual autism.
People who sit there and say and stuff like, oh, it's my autism that's acting up today.
Well, yeah, well, my uncle doesn't get the choice of whether or not his shit acts up
or not.
He doesn't get flare ups.
He gets every fucking single day he is, he is, he has Down syndrome.
Every single day he wakes up and he has the same fucking day every single day.
(35:23):
Why?
Because if he doesn't, it'll, it'll blow in frequency his fucking mind because he's autistic.
That is autism.
To sit there and say that you couldn't get your homework done because you were autistic,
piss the fuck off.
Sorry.
That was my little rant.
And again, that might make a lot of people mad.
I might even lose some, some, some, some people, you know, and that's fine.
(35:46):
You know, I'm not doing this so that I can make, make fans.
Like I don't, like I'm glad that I make fans and I'm glad that you guys are, you know,
that you're sticking around, that you're coming around, that, you know, that you listen
and everything.
But I do this for two reasons.
The first one is to hopefully so that somebody else sitting out there listens to this and
(36:08):
says, you know what?
I'm not the only one going through this shit.
I'm not the only person out there that feels this way.
I'm not the only one because I have sat in the shadows and sat by myself for so long
questioning myself and questioning my sanity and whether or not I was okay and whether
or not I was a good person because I never felt like there was anybody out there who
felt the same way that I did.
(36:30):
I happened to come across another podcast by a lady named Anastasia who runs a podcast
called, what's her, what's her?
It's shit.
Now I can't think of it.
I'll have to give another shout out.
I'll try and put it in the post in the comments below or whatever.
(36:55):
But listening to her was what really inspired me to do this because she was the first person
that I'd heard actually like she was going through a lot of the same shit that I was
going through and I could relate to her.
(37:15):
So the number one reason I do this is to relate to other people so that other people
can relate to me or to at least my experiences and say, hey, okay, I'm not the only one.
And the second reason I do this and it's a little less important, but it's important
for me is I do it for me because this is a way for me to get my shit off my chest and
(37:37):
for me to get things out there that again hopefully helps somebody else say, okay, I'm
not alone in this.
You know, I'm not in this fight alone.
That there are other people who are struggling and fighting and trying to do, you know, do
things that are positive.
I want to bring light to the situation of bipolar disorder.
I don't feel like enough people will know about it, understand it or are willing or are willing
(38:03):
to understand it.
And that's that's frustrating.
Sorry, I just went off on a gnarly like 10 minute ramp and I didn't mean to.
But that's irritability for you.
That's bipolar and irritability for you.
Let's get back to it.
According to Dean Frederick McKinnon, a medical doctor, associate professor, professor, professor
(38:30):
of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at John Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore.
People who are actively in the mixed state of bipolar illness have a propensity to develop
rapid responses to elevated levels of frustration.
Their reaction and region of emotion is incongruous out of proportion with the actual level of
(38:56):
stressor.
When energized by elevated mood states, they can get angry with a little provocation.
Again, just kind of restating that like it doesn't take much to set us off.
So what are the signs that you have a chronic man anger management problems or the kind
of uncontrollable anger associated with bipolar is episodes.
(39:19):
According to the substance abuse and mental health services administration, you're constantly
angry or annoyed or and are quick to over.
I think these are for if you're if you just have anger issues, like you're constantly
angry or annoying or quick to react, you've gotten in trouble with work at work or with
(39:42):
the law, the way you express your anger at loved ones, friends, neighbors or coworkers
that's called serious relationship problems.
You frequently lash out verbally or physically such as punching walls or hurting someone else.
You've been told that you have anger issues and need to get help.
People are often afraid of your anger and try to avoid you when you're in a bad mood.
(40:04):
I don't know how that's like that's I don't know if that's supposed to like how that differentiates
because every one of those sounds like a bipolar, like a bipolar symptom.
So that I don't know that that part of my research kind of I must have jumbled that
(40:25):
somehow or something because that that doesn't make any sense to me that even though like
those all sound like actual like they sound like bipolar issues, you know, golfing gotten
in trouble at work or with the law.
That's not necessarily just bipolar.
That's ADHD too.
You know, so frequently lash out verbally or physically such as punching walls or hurting
(40:51):
someone else.
I never hurt anybody else, but I have I beat the shit out of some walls.
I worked construction for a little while and I did demolition, which wasn't the only part
of the construction that I did.
But demolition was my favorite fucking part because I loved tearing shit down.
Like you give me a hammer.
(41:12):
You give me a hammer and a crowbar and I'll have your entire house gutted in a day.
I guarantee it.
I have all the fucking walls knocked down all the sheet rock gone.
Everything but the frame and everything, everything but the frame will be gone.
All the insulation, all the fucking everything door from like molding receptacles, everything,
(41:36):
anything and everything you want it gone.
It'll be gone.
I'll have it done in a day because I like give me some headphones, hammer and a crowbar
and I'll have your shit done in a day just because I'll put my foot through the fucking
wall and then rip the whole thing and wall down.
Like I don't give a shit.
Like for me it was, whenever I did it, it was a healthy way for me to get a lot of my
(41:57):
anger issues out.
This is kind of funny to me.
So remember the acronym HALT and if possible, don't let yourself get angry or hungry, angry,
lonely or tired.
Especially if these symptoms are known to trigger a bipolar episode for you.
(42:21):
Because you're angry because someone hurt your feelings, boo fucking who?
Negated your perceptions or did anything else that triggered your anger, decided the best
way to handle it at that moment.
This means knowing yourself and who you're dealing with.
I say boo who because somebody hurt your feelings and I say that because I grew up in a time
where if somebody hurt your feelings, you kind of just sucked it up or you duped it out
(42:49):
and then you shook hands and then you moved on with your day.
Somebody called you an asshole, you called them an asshole, they hit you in the face,
you hit them in the face, a little bit of blood come out, everybody was done, end of
the day, move on.
You shake hands, say good job, sorry, whatever and you moved the fuck on with your life.
(43:12):
This whole deal today where people are like, oh he hurt my feelings so now I'm going to
have to file a lawsuit or this other bullshit or contact HR because he said that my hair
looked nice, he must have been hitting on me and that could go both ways, that could
go both ways.
(43:33):
I don't mean to be gender specific or I hate coming across that way because I do not discriminate
one way or the other, I really could give two shits less about any of that.
The only thing that I care about is whether or not you have bipolar, your symptoms are
(43:54):
getting better and mostly what I mostly care about is just whether or not you feel like
somebody is that you have somebody to relate to.
There's more to this but I've been talking for 45 minutes and this is a long ass episode
(44:15):
and kudos to you if you've listened to the whole thing.
I know that a lot of times, just from analytics I know that a lot of times most people don't
listen to the entire episode, 45 minutes is a long time.
I hope that this helped a little bit, I'm going to go ahead and get off a year and maybe
(44:36):
go to the gym or something but I just wanted to kind of go over this anger and bipolar
disorder a little bit.
I hope it helped, I hope that somebody got something out of it and that you realize that
just because you're angry doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it doesn't mean that
you need to go to classes or anything like that.
(45:00):
Especially if you have bipolar disorder, if you have bipolar disorder and you have anger
issues seek help, obviously try and get some kind of help to manage that but don't beat
yourself up or make yourself feel like shit because you have a disease that is uncontrollable
and can cause episodes of anger or irritability without you even meaning to or wanting to,
(45:26):
it just happens.
So don't feel like you're alone in this, don't feel like there's nobody that understands
what you're going through because there is and always, always, always remember you don't
have to sit in the dark alone.
Good morning.
(00:02):
Well, good morning for me.
I don't know, good morning, good evening, good night.
What should I say for you?
Today's episode is going to be a little bit different.
Well, I mean, not that much different.
Today I wanted to go over anger and bipolar disorder.
I found this really cool, or not really cool,
but I found some articles and some information about
being bipolar and
being a bipolar.
And I found this article,
(00:24):
and I found this article,
and I found this article,
and being bipolar and
anger, and having anger issues,
anger problems. I know for me personally,
I am quick to anger.
I'll say that.
Not so much in a violent way,
or anything like that.
I get irritated
(00:46):
really, really fucking easily.
Usually by dumb, dumb shit.
Something small.
And most of the time I'm irritated at myself.
More than anything else, I get irritated at myself for doing dumb shit.
And most of the time it's stuff that I could avoid.
(01:06):
Something like carrying too much shit in my hand, so I'll try to open the front door.
You know, and then I drop the eggs.
You know, which hasn't ever happened, but as an example.
Sorry. You know, so anger is, I am quick to anger, but again it's usually over something
(01:31):
stupid and small.
It's not usually over anything that's like really, really, if I get really angry about
something, I shut down.
I get quiet.
That's how you know I'm really pissed off about something is because I get quiet.
I don't talk.
Maybe if I'm really pissed off, I'll go start cleaning and shit.
I don't know why, but like that's my way of coping with anger is cleaning.
(01:55):
That might be a military thing.
That might be an army thing that like it was just drilled into us that everything had to
be fucking clean.
And then when you have anything else to do, you cleaned.
When you finish cleaning, you clean more.
And then when you thought it was clean, it wasn't clean.
You had to clean it again.
You know, so I think just now, whenever I'm pissed off, that's what I do.
(02:20):
I just revert back to cleaning.
I think that's just my kind of coping mechanism.
So I just kind of wanted to go over a little bit of what it's like or just kind of some
of the information that I found.
And while it's not an officially recognized symptom of bipolar disorder, irritability is
(02:44):
common with dramatic mood shifts, which can lead to anger, alburs, and explosions with
devastating effects.
There's a quote by a doctor Guy Wynch.
Irritability is something we all experience, but what sets it apart from other emotional
(03:05):
states is the extent to which it pollutes the emotional atmosphere around us.
Indeed irritability is the carbon monoxide of emotional pollutants.
I thought that was a pretty cool quote.
Because I mean, irritability is the carbon monoxide of emotional pollutants.
(03:25):
That's a pretty profound thing to say.
I mean, that's pretty deep.
That's pretty in there.
I don't know.
Every time I read that, it kind of hits me a little bit harder.
Every time I see it, it's just, I don't know.
It is important to distinguish, however, everyday anger from irritable anger associated with
(03:50):
bipolar disorder.
Everyday anger as an emotion is a response to an event broadly understood to evoke frustration,
disappointment, offense.
Oh man, it's not deep enough.
Endure anger in most people, including those living with bipolar, can be a healthy, even
(04:13):
meaningful tool within boundaries.
The irritable anger associated with bipolar is most often associated with a mood episode,
a reaction that would be broadly considered disproportionate to a situation or trigger
a more intense reaction to events that frequently can be more eruptive.
(04:33):
Again, doing too much at one time, that is a big problem for me.
Another thing is I'm always in a hurry to get nowhere.
For some reason, I am always in a rush.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I'm not going anywhere.
(04:53):
I'm not in a rush.
I'm going to get where I'm going 20 minutes early and then I'm going to end up sitting
there and then I'm going to get pissed off in myself for being there for 20 fucking minutes
with nothing to fucking do.
Then I get irritable and then I get anxious because I'm sitting there with nothing to
do and I'm irritated because I'm anxious and I'm anxious because I'm irritated and
(05:13):
it's just a vicious fucking cycle that never ends.
So I'm getting kind of irritated right now a little bit.
I can see the eruptiveness of it because I don't necessarily buy my girlfriend's head
(05:38):
off but I will snap or I'll get what's the word I'm looking for.
The snippy is the word I'm looking for.
I'll get quick response, yes or no, real short answers.
It's pretty obvious that I'm pissed off.
(06:00):
She usually knows that he's in a pissy mood.
Let me leave him alone.
The thing is, most of the time, I just need a few minutes to gather myself, get my shit
together, calm the fuck down and then we can move on from it.
Most of the time, I don't even want to fucking talk about it.
I just want to get through it, move on and then be done and then it's over.
(06:25):
That doesn't always happen with your partner.
Sometimes your partner wants to drag the shit out and wants to talk about it and talk
about it and talk about it or gets mad because you don't want to talk about it, which irritates
you even more.
I feel like anger and irritability and bipolar disorder are like best friends.
(06:45):
They go hand in hand.
They're like married.
They don't even know what I mean.
I feel like you can't be bipolar without having some sort of irritable anger issue.
Not to the Adam Sandler anger management issue, but like, was that Adam Sandler?
(07:07):
I think it was Robert Nero.
I think it was Robert.
Fuck it.
You know what I mean when I'm talking about anger management.
Anyway, the point of it was, I feel like you can't have, and maybe you can't.
I don't know.
I can't speak for everybody that has bipolar because I don't know everybody that has bipolar
(07:27):
disorder.
Bipolar is different for everybody.
It manifests in different ways for everybody, but I do know that irritability for me personally
is like a huge deal with my bipolar.
Something I was reading, it kind of makes me want to go back and kind of talk to my
(07:49):
doctor about it because I have bipolar one disorder, which is pretty fucking intense.
Not to say that one is more than the other, but just to say that bipolar one is fucking
hard to deal with because it's so intense.
There's so much emotion that comes with having bipolar, but the having bipolar period, but
(08:15):
bipolar one specifically for me is like there's so much emotion that goes into it.
You can get like astrological or whatever my girlfriend likes to do, and you could say
that it's like, you know, because I'm a, you know, a Libra and double cancer, you know,
or whatever.
So I'm like an air and water sign.
(08:36):
So I'm super emotional and floating and flighting.
My head's always up in the clouds, which isn't completely inaccurate.
All of that is pretty accurate, but I don't, I don't feel like it's because I'm a double
cancer.
I feel like it's because I fucking buy bipolar disorder.
You know, so I feel like to me it's, it's one of those things that like they kind of
(08:58):
go hand in hand.
You know what I mean?
Like you, if you're going to, if you have bipolar disorder, you're probably going to
have an anger issue of some sort.
But like what like causes of anger?
So like irritability and anger are associated with all mood episodes.
So it's important to monitor when and how anger manifests throughout the mood spectrum.
(09:20):
This allows individuals to identify their personal, personal triggers for bipolar anger.
Common triggers include decreased sleep, increased anxiety, medication changes or lapses, hormonal
changes, increased stress, all of which most people I feel like with bipolar disorder,
(09:41):
it like, we all experience that, especially like decreased sleep.
There's your mania increased anxiety.
That's on a daily fucking basis.
Medication changes or lapses.
That can happen just because you, because the other two things are happening.
Because you're having less sleep and because you're having increased anxiety, you might
have to change your medication, which can cause more decreased sleep or cause more anxiety.
(10:03):
Like I know I had to take anxiety pills, but also to be very careful with that because
those anxiety pills can cause my depression or throw me into a depressive state.
And so I have to be careful when and how I take my medication, my anxiety medication,
because if I don't go to parties, but let's say if I was to go to, because I don't drink
(10:24):
or do drugs or anything, but, and that's not the only reason I go to parties, but anxiety
is more than the reason why I go to parties.
And I'm also 36 years old and parties are just kind of not my scene anymore.
So, but I mean like, so medication changes in, in even like I've had to switch, I've,
I've personally had to switch medicines.
(10:45):
The only thing that I've stayed consistent on since I started like actually taking medication
for bipolar disorder is linogeal.
Limogeal gene.
It's the only thing that I've, that's gonna stay consistent.
I've tried, I've gone through all kind of different things and like now I'm on well
butchering, which seems to work pretty well.
And which, okay.
So well butchering, that's another thing.
(11:06):
Like so I'm talking about medication, like well butchering, I used to take two, two a
day.
I had to take one in the morning and one at night.
And it got to the point that like my irritability was fucking not good.
It was real bad.
And so we had, we ended up having to switch.
We had to, like we had to cut back.
I can only take one well butchering a day now.
(11:27):
And I feel like honestly, I feel like the well butchering helps, but I'm, I'm kind of at
a point now where I feel like I might need to switch to a different medication because
I do feel like my irritability is still there.
But again, that's, I also have, I only sleep three, maybe four hours a night, maybe.
(11:48):
You know, on a good night.
So, and that's with sleep medication.
You know, and so like I, I'm still not, I'm, I think it's for me.
It's a combination of all of it.
Like I think decreased sleep, increased anxiety, you know, hormonal changes.
(12:12):
And so that's another thing.
Like I don't like having an addiction with bipolar disorder is very, very common.
And whenever you have an addiction, they say that whenever you like, for me, it was alcohol.
They say when you start drinking is when you stop maturing.
You stop becoming like you stop growing up.
(12:34):
And like you're basically your mental state stops at whatever age you started drinking.
Well, I started drinking at pretty young.
I started drinking when I was like 12, 13 years old, I'm 36 and I've been sober for
three and a half years.
So like what over 20 years that I drank, you know, heavily, I would say heavily drank for
probably about 10, 10 to 12 years.
(12:55):
But you know, when you are putting your body through that, like through those, through
that addiction, your, your hormones are all irradiated and all kind of messed up and all
kind of jack like all kind of all over the place.
And so like whenever you get sober, those hormones have to like have to start balancing
(13:18):
and they have to start coming like you started learning new emotions and like new things
that you didn't know.
Like, like I get sad really easy.
Like, I, I hate to admit this and it's not like, it's only because it's you guys that
I'm able to share this with.
(13:40):
But like, I get teary eyed at almost any emotional scene in any movie.
Like, like the notebook fucking tears me apart.
Like, I'll be honest with you.
That movie is like, it's a tearjerker.
It's like you can't help if you don't fucking tear up at least once during that movie, you
(14:01):
you had no soul.
I'm joking there.
I don't want to get in trouble with anybody, but it's such a like, but that's an emotion
that like I never would have had before.
You know, whenever I was drinking, I would just like, this is a fucking stupid movie.
I would have got more drunk just to avoid having to pay attention to it to be honest
with you.
(14:22):
But once I was sober, I was watching it was like, you know, I mean, you just couldn't
help yourself.
You know, it was just it's ridiculous.
I don't know.
But anyway, but I digress we're kind of getting off topic here.
But that's what I do because, you know, bipolar, ADHD, anger and mania and or hypomania.
(14:44):
So when bipolar anger is connected to hypomania to a hypomania or manic episode, it can initially
manifest as anxiety and patients, irritability and rudeness.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
In 2005, researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston found that 40% of patients
(15:07):
with bipolar had had had significant levels of irritability within one within a one week
period.
If not caught early and managed adequately, irritability can escalate to hostility, explosive
outbursts and sudden rage.
Yeah.
So let's go back to the anxiety and patients and irritability and rudeness.
(15:32):
Sorry about the coffin.
I hit my fate before this and it's just been kicking my butt since then.
So back to the anxiety and impatience.
My impatience is horrible.
And it's it's because I like, okay, so I just don't have patience for I don't even know
(16:00):
how to explain it.
Like, okay, so here's an example.
My girlfriend takes forever to get in or out of the car.
We get into the car like, here's me.
I get into the car.
I start the car, I hook my phone up, I wait for it to load and then I'm gone.
The longest part of me being like me starting my car is waiting for my phone to sync up
(16:23):
to my car.
So like through car player, whatever, so that I can actually like use the GPS and Spotify
and all that without having to you know, hands free or whatever, which irritates me because
I have to sit there and wait for a fucking phone to to load.
You see what I'm saying?
Like so it's one of those frustrating things.
I don't know.
(16:43):
But for me, it's real, it's real simple.
You get in, you start the car, you go, you know, unless it's cold or whatever or it's
hot and you want to go start the car early and then let it run, cool off, warm up, whatever.
But if I'm like, let's say I'm in a hurry, I'm late for class or something.
(17:04):
And I go to start like I run, I get in my car, I started and I go, there's no like,
I don't have to get in.
I like she'll get in.
She'll like search their playlists for music to listen to.
She'll, you know, text somebody or, you know, or whatever it is the fuck she does.
Like it takes her 10 minutes to get in the car and take off.
(17:27):
I'm like, I can't do that.
Or even when she gets home, she'll call me and say something like, hey, you know, I'm
pulling into the parking lot.
Can you come downstairs and help me, help me with the dog?
Yeah, no problem.
And she's like, I'm pulling into the parking lot now.
I'm like, all right, cool.
So knowing that she's going to still take about two extra minutes before she even pulls
(17:48):
up to the parking spot in the parking lot, I wait a couple of minutes and then I go
downstairs and then I still end up waiting.
She finally pulls into the spot and then she sits there and now I'm sitting here looking
like an idiot waiting for her to come on me, like to turn off the car.
You know what I mean?
Like I just, like I feel stupid.
(18:09):
And then like, I got to wait and she turned off her music.
She's texting her mom back or whatever, you know, whatever it is.
And then like, so it's just one of the, I don't, I just like that kind of irritates
me.
My biggest pet peeve in the world and I like is, is to hear people chew or to hear people
(18:30):
eat.
I can't even say to hear myself eat.
Like I have to turn on TV or music and I don't even give a shit what's on just as long as
there's something in the background so that I don't hear myself chew or I don't hear somebody
else chewing because it just, it bugs the ever-loving piss right out of me.
And so like that, and that leads to those outbursts, those, or like sudden rage.
(18:56):
Like, I will find myself talking about something and get pissed off.
Like, like let's say my girlfriend and I are watching something and somebody says something
on TV and I'm like, no, fuck that bitch.
That bitch does not know what she's talking about.
She's stupid, blah, blah, blah.
Like I'll go off on this like 10 minute rant about some stupid lady on fucking out on survivor
(19:21):
because she said something dumb.
You know, or he, you know, like he said whatever, not trying to be like, you know, gender specific
or whatever or discriminate against anybody.
I'm just saying like, somebody might say something stupid and I'm like, that's absolutely, you
know, I'd bullshit and you know, and I'd lose my shit on TV.
(19:43):
I'm a fucking survivor.
It's a TV show and I lose my absolute fucking mind sometimes.
And like, and my girlfriend, she just kind of sits there and she has this look on her
face like, you're getting really mad about nothing.
Like you need to chill the fuck out.
(20:07):
It's like I get those explosive outbursts and the sudden rage anger and irritability are
often associated with depressive episodes, especially if a person has an anxiety disorder
or dealing with an agitated depression.
As with many as with manic or hyper manic episodes bipolar anger and depression can
(20:29):
also take the form of frustration and patients and a visual eventual hostility or rage called
anger attacks.
So I'll say I've never had anger attacks.
I've never like attacked anybody because I was mad or anything.
In fact, I rarely ever get into like any kind of real altercations.
Even when I was younger, I didn't get into too many of them.
(20:51):
For my sauce, I'm not a big guy, but I can get pretty loud, which scares people sometimes
because people like they look at this little person and then this little person gets real
fucking loud and in their face.
And like, like I can be intimidating for a small person.
I can get up in a big person's face and make them feel real small, real fast.
(21:15):
And like not to like boost my masculinity or anything like that.
I'm just saying that like people are scared of crazy people.
And when you piss me off, I get in your face and I seem like a fucking crazy person.
Like I don't give a shit if I live or die.
I only give a shit whether you live or die.
(21:35):
Like that sounds horrible too.
That sounds really, really bad.
But like when it comes to that, like I don't, there is no like, if it's gotten to the point
where we're about to actually fist fight, all bets are off.
I don't give a shit anymore because at that point I'm defending myself.
And if I'm defending myself, I'm going to win.
(21:57):
Like if I don't give a shit if I get to pick up an equalizer and beat your ass with a fucking
a Pogo stick, that's what I'll fucking do.
You see right here anger.
Like I didn't even like I'm not even talking about anything really in that anger.
That's irritation.
That's frustration.
Or hypotheticals.
(22:18):
Like and that's the thing is like I will get so mad or frustrated over a hypothetical
shit.
Like it hasn't happened, won't happen or you know, like I get so irritated over hypotheticals.
Like and I work myself up into real tizzies about hypothetical shit.
(22:44):
Like I'm constantly in my head about hypothetical shit.
I don't know.
It's intense.
But I would never say that I've had like an anger attack.
Like I've never attacked anybody or like fought somebody or anything like that because I was
irritable and angry.
Screamed at them maybe but never like actually physically all three.
(23:07):
Like put my hands on anybody.
Which is so anger attacks.
When not well managed and especially during acute mood episodes, anger can result in explosive
outbursts and aggression.
In 2004, study published in the Journal of Effective Disorders reported that at least
(23:27):
a third of bipolar patients described angry outbursts called anger attacks.
Recognizing, preventing and managing anger bipolar, effectively addressing anger bipolar
anger typically depends on self awareness, stress reduction and identifying and managing
personal triggers.
Increase self awareness and mindfulness, journal regularly, track some, these are different
(23:51):
things like ways to manage your typical anger issues or to like reduce stress or increase
self awareness.
So increase self awareness and mindfulness, journal regularly, track symptoms and moods.
That's a big one for me.
I tried to do that and it does help.
(24:11):
I will say it does help because you can kind of get an idea of like okay, what, because
it helps identify your triggers.
It can help you say okay, well on this day I was depressed but I was depressed because
of this or you know, was I depressed because of anything in particular or was I frustrated
(24:33):
all day that day?
What was it that made me frustrated?
You know, things like that.
So tracking your mood and your symptoms, to me is really, really helpful.
I don't do it as much as I should, 100% honest about that but it does help.
It is, I think it's a helpful tool.
Focusing on the present moment, that is so difficult for me to do just because I'm constantly,
(25:00):
I'm a hypothetical.
I'm constantly living in hypotheticals.
I cannot stay out of hypotheticals.
I don't know why.
I'm just, I'm constantly in this like hypothetical what if, what if, what if and if and if and
if type of life and I need to get out of that.
I need to, I need to learn how to live more in the present moment and not into what if,
(25:23):
what could happen type, type of lifestyle.
Pause or reflect before reacting.
That is a big one for me.
I, a lot of times, and I'm getting better at it.
I'm starting to get better.
I think that comes with old, over age maturity.
You learn to slow down and you learn to just kind of say, okay, is what I'm about to say
(25:44):
actually worth saying or is it worth, like, is what's about to come out of my mouth worth
the air, worth the breath that I'm about to waste saying it.
Like, is that actually useful?
Is it, is it worth it?
You know, so like pausing to reflect before I actually like say anything or react to a
(26:09):
situation is hard, but it does say practice, but it does help.
Reduce stress and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
So a lot of these have to do with like meditation type things or, you know, self-awareness,
you know, like deep breathing visualization, listening to calming music, focusing on engaging
(26:34):
task or hobby, meditation, regular exercise, follow in a daily routine, practicing good
sleep hygiene.
I am fucking horrible at that.
I don't know why or what, what the problem is, but I don't sleep.
I just don't sleep.
I wish I did, but I don't.
Which also helps go into my, like push my frustration and my irritability.
(27:02):
This is a good one.
I really liked because it's, it's something that I think that if you can do this, it'll,
a lot of the other things will, will kind of fall in place.
So like establish and stick to a plan for addressing anger outbursts at the earliest
sign of reach at the earliest sign, reach out for support from loved ones in person,
(27:25):
online support groups and treatment team members.
If you can set up a daily routine or in a plan, if you can establish a plan that says, okay,
whenever I get angry, this is what I'm going to do.
It helps you start doing things like pause and reflect before you react.
And if you have that plan in place, most of the times you're going to do that without
(27:48):
even realizing that you're doing it.
Like you're going to, you're going to sit, you're going to find yourself stopping and
looking back and saying, should I really say this?
Should I do this?
You know, and it just kind of falls into place.
I think once you have, and I think that's something that you, your doctor and your family
need to sit down and come up with a plan together because it's not like if you just try to come
(28:10):
up with a plan by yourself, you're probably going to fail because we as bipolar people
tend to do that.
We, you know, we will set ourselves up for failure by doing something like that.
Like, okay, I'm going to set this plan in motion.
I'm going to, you know, it's going to work out perfectly fine.
I'm going to stick to it every single day and blah, blah, blah.
(28:30):
But then it's hard for us to hold ourselves accountable for it or to, you know, to actually
stick to it.
It's easier when you have other people involved because they can keep you accountable.
They can say, hey, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.
Here's how, you know, we need to get you back on track.
You know, and so I think having that support system, and I've preached this a million times,
(28:54):
having a support system is like the number one thing that anybody with any kind of mental
disorder, really anybody period should have, but especially if you have a mental disorder,
like bipolar disorder, having a support team and support system around you is like imperative,
especially.
Like specifically for me because I'm a recovering alcoholic and I have bipolar disorder, I have
(29:20):
to have other people be like, hey, put yourself in check with a homie because you're about
to fucking, you're about to go off the deep end, you know.
And sometimes that's humbling, you know, sometimes that's fucking irritable, you're
irritating and it pisses you off, but at the same time, when you go back and you reflect
(29:41):
on it, you realize that was a humbling experience and it made me appreciate the fact that somebody
there gave a shit enough about me to say, hey, you need to fucking check yourself, you
know, because you're about to wreck yourself.
I hope people get some of the references that I say because like I'm 36 years old, so like
(30:04):
I'm used to a lot of like old references and I use them a lot and I hope that people get
them, like my audience is generally about my age.
So I feel like most of you get it, most of you get the references, but for any of the
younger audiences or like the older audiences, like if you don't get it, send me a message,
(30:26):
let me know or something and I'll try to explain it, I don't know.
But anyway, it has become increasingly clear that many people fall on the bipolar spectrum,
which involves a wide range of symptoms that vary in severity and encompass both high and
low moods.
When experienced simultaneously, it's called a mixed episode.
(30:47):
So here's a problem while I find with that statement.
It says increasingly clear that many people fall on the bipolar spectrum.
I don't agree with that.
I will agree that most people fall on the autistic spectrum because that spectrum is
so much wider.
(31:09):
There are so many different symptoms and so many different diagnosis that come along with
autism that you, it's more people fall on that spectrum.
In fact, everybody falls on that spectrum.
It just depends on where on that spectrum you fall as far as how severe your, your,
(31:34):
I don't want to say something, your diagnosis might be, you know, like my uncle has down
syndrome.
That is hardcore on the autistic spectrum.
Like that's, that's way on the spectrum.
That's not, that's not like, oh, well, he kind of has some, some quirks about it.
Like no, my uncle has full blown fucking down syndrome, has the brain of a seven year old
(31:58):
and he's in his fucking sixties, you know, like he's real autistic.
And, which I'm going to go and this might piss some people off, but it pisses me off
because it takes away from the fact that I am bipolar and it takes away from the severity
of my disease, my, my, my issue is that it has become so increasingly like, like prominent
(32:28):
or prevalent or prominent or like so many people these days are saying things that they're,
that they're autistic.
I like, I'm on this app because I'm a student's, I'm a student.
I'm on this app called Yicac, which is supposed to be anonymous or whatever.
And it is, I guess, but the thing is that like, there's so many people on there that
(32:48):
are like, it must be my autism that's acting up today.
And that's why I can't focus like, no, bitch, you can't focus because you stayed up all
night drinking and fucking partying and now you can't, you stayed up till three in the
fucking morning and now you have class at eight and you can't, you're, you didn't do
any homework last night.
That's why that's what your fucking problem is.
It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're autistic.
(33:10):
Like, no, I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety.
Technically I was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome because I have facial tics.
Like, I have actual fucking issues and whenever I hear somebody say something like, oh, it's
just my autism acting up today or, you know, I can't sleep because of my autism or, you
(33:31):
know, what it's like to be autistic.
And then they post this fucking picture of a werewolf or some shit, like, get the fuck
over yourself.
That's not the same thing.
That's not the same thing.
And for you to sit there and take that and minimize the fact that people live with real
actual issues pisses me the fuck off.
See, here we go.
(33:52):
Irritability.
And I'm like, but I feel like that's a real issue to be irritable and angry about because
you're diminishing my problems, the things, my daily issues, the struggles that I have
to live with on a daily routine, on a daily basis.
You're sitting here and saying that, oh, you can't get your homework done because you're,
(34:14):
you know, because your, your autism is acting up.
Autism doesn't act up.
Autism isn't a, isn't a, isn't a flare up like a, like a gout or something.
You know, it doesn't just act up.
No, autism is autism.
You either have it or you don't.
You either, you're either, I mean, again, everybody's on that spectrum, but you're either,
(34:35):
you're either autistic or you're fucking not, you know, like, I don't see how you can sit
there and say, you know, oh, it's my autism acting up today.
And that's why I couldn't, I couldn't focus in class.
And okay, well, then you might want to just say you have ADHD.
That's what you have.
Just sit there and say, oh, I'm autistic.
To use that word autistic takes away from people who actual have, who have like real
(35:00):
actual autism.
People who sit there and say and stuff like, oh, it's my autism that's acting up today.
Well, yeah, well, my uncle doesn't get the choice of whether or not his shit acts up
or not.
He doesn't get flare ups.
He gets every fucking single day he is, he is, he has Down syndrome.
Every single day he wakes up and he has the same fucking day every single day.
(35:23):
Why?
Because if he doesn't, it'll, it'll blow in frequency his fucking mind because he's autistic.
That is autism.
To sit there and say that you couldn't get your homework done because you were autistic,
piss the fuck off.
Sorry.
That was my little rant.
And again, that might make a lot of people mad.
I might even lose some, some, some, some people, you know, and that's fine.
(35:46):
You know, I'm not doing this so that I can make, make fans.
Like I don't, like I'm glad that I make fans and I'm glad that you guys are, you know,
that you're sticking around, that you're coming around, that, you know, that you listen
and everything.
But I do this for two reasons.
The first one is to hopefully so that somebody else sitting out there listens to this and
(36:08):
says, you know what?
I'm not the only one going through this shit.
I'm not the only person out there that feels this way.
I'm not the only one because I have sat in the shadows and sat by myself for so long
questioning myself and questioning my sanity and whether or not I was okay and whether
or not I was a good person because I never felt like there was anybody out there who
felt the same way that I did.
(36:30):
I happened to come across another podcast by a lady named Anastasia who runs a podcast
called, what's her, what's her?
It's shit.
Now I can't think of it.
I'll have to give another shout out.
I'll try and put it in the post in the comments below or whatever.
(36:55):
But listening to her was what really inspired me to do this because she was the first person
that I'd heard actually like she was going through a lot of the same shit that I was
going through and I could relate to her.
(37:15):
So the number one reason I do this is to relate to other people so that other people
can relate to me or to at least my experiences and say, hey, okay, I'm not the only one.
And the second reason I do this and it's a little less important, but it's important
for me is I do it for me because this is a way for me to get my shit off my chest and
(37:37):
for me to get things out there that again hopefully helps somebody else say, okay, I'm
not alone in this.
You know, I'm not in this fight alone.
That there are other people who are struggling and fighting and trying to do, you know, do
things that are positive.
I want to bring light to the situation of bipolar disorder.
I don't feel like enough people will know about it, understand it or are willing or are willing
(38:03):
to understand it.
And that's that's frustrating.
Sorry, I just went off on a gnarly like 10 minute ramp and I didn't mean to.
But that's irritability for you.
That's bipolar and irritability for you.
Let's get back to it.
According to Dean Frederick McKinnon, a medical doctor, associate professor, professor, professor
(38:30):
of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at John Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore.
People who are actively in the mixed state of bipolar illness have a propensity to develop
rapid responses to elevated levels of frustration.
Their reaction and region of emotion is incongruous out of proportion with the actual level of
(38:56):
stressor.
When energized by elevated mood states, they can get angry with a little provocation.
Again, just kind of restating that like it doesn't take much to set us off.
So what are the signs that you have a chronic man anger management problems or the kind
of uncontrollable anger associated with bipolar is episodes.
(39:19):
According to the substance abuse and mental health services administration, you're constantly
angry or annoyed or and are quick to over.
I think these are for if you're if you just have anger issues, like you're constantly
angry or annoying or quick to react, you've gotten in trouble with work at work or with
(39:42):
the law, the way you express your anger at loved ones, friends, neighbors or coworkers
that's called serious relationship problems.
You frequently lash out verbally or physically such as punching walls or hurting someone else.
You've been told that you have anger issues and need to get help.
People are often afraid of your anger and try to avoid you when you're in a bad mood.
(40:04):
I don't know how that's like that's I don't know if that's supposed to like how that differentiates
because every one of those sounds like a bipolar, like a bipolar symptom.
So that I don't know that that part of my research kind of I must have jumbled that
(40:25):
somehow or something because that that doesn't make any sense to me that even though like
those all sound like actual like they sound like bipolar issues, you know, golfing gotten
in trouble at work or with the law.
That's not necessarily just bipolar.
That's ADHD too.
You know, so frequently lash out verbally or physically such as punching walls or hurting
(40:51):
someone else.
I never hurt anybody else, but I have I beat the shit out of some walls.
I worked construction for a little while and I did demolition, which wasn't the only part
of the construction that I did.
But demolition was my favorite fucking part because I loved tearing shit down.
Like you give me a hammer.
(41:12):
You give me a hammer and a crowbar and I'll have your entire house gutted in a day.
I guarantee it.
I have all the fucking walls knocked down all the sheet rock gone.
Everything but the frame and everything, everything but the frame will be gone.
All the insulation, all the fucking everything door from like molding receptacles, everything,
(41:36):
anything and everything you want it gone.
It'll be gone.
I'll have it done in a day because I like give me some headphones, hammer and a crowbar
and I'll have your shit done in a day just because I'll put my foot through the fucking
wall and then rip the whole thing and wall down.
Like I don't give a shit.
Like for me it was, whenever I did it, it was a healthy way for me to get a lot of my
(41:57):
anger issues out.
This is kind of funny to me.
So remember the acronym HALT and if possible, don't let yourself get angry or hungry, angry,
lonely or tired.
Especially if these symptoms are known to trigger a bipolar episode for you.
(42:21):
Because you're angry because someone hurt your feelings, boo fucking who?
Negated your perceptions or did anything else that triggered your anger, decided the best
way to handle it at that moment.
This means knowing yourself and who you're dealing with.
I say boo who because somebody hurt your feelings and I say that because I grew up in a time
where if somebody hurt your feelings, you kind of just sucked it up or you duped it out
(42:49):
and then you shook hands and then you moved on with your day.
Somebody called you an asshole, you called them an asshole, they hit you in the face,
you hit them in the face, a little bit of blood come out, everybody was done, end of
the day, move on.
You shake hands, say good job, sorry, whatever and you moved the fuck on with your life.
(43:12):
This whole deal today where people are like, oh he hurt my feelings so now I'm going to
have to file a lawsuit or this other bullshit or contact HR because he said that my hair
looked nice, he must have been hitting on me and that could go both ways, that could
go both ways.
(43:33):
I don't mean to be gender specific or I hate coming across that way because I do not discriminate
one way or the other, I really could give two shits less about any of that.
The only thing that I care about is whether or not you have bipolar, your symptoms are
(43:54):
getting better and mostly what I mostly care about is just whether or not you feel like
somebody is that you have somebody to relate to.
There's more to this but I've been talking for 45 minutes and this is a long ass episode
(44:15):
and kudos to you if you've listened to the whole thing.
I know that a lot of times, just from analytics I know that a lot of times most people don't
listen to the entire episode, 45 minutes is a long time.
I hope that this helped a little bit, I'm going to go ahead and get off a year and maybe
(44:36):
go to the gym or something but I just wanted to kind of go over this anger and bipolar
disorder a little bit.
I hope it helped, I hope that somebody got something out of it and that you realize that
just because you're angry doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it doesn't mean that
you need to go to classes or anything like that.
(45:00):
Especially if you have bipolar disorder, if you have bipolar disorder and you have anger
issues seek help, obviously try and get some kind of help to manage that but don't beat
yourself up or make yourself feel like shit because you have a disease that is uncontrollable
and can cause episodes of anger or irritability without you even meaning to or wanting to,
(45:26):
it just happens.
So don't feel like you're alone in this, don't feel like there's nobody that understands
what you're going through because there is and always, always, always remember you don't
have to sit in the dark alone.
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