December 10, 2023 • 10 mins
As requested, in this episode, I cover some of my difficulties with bipolar and being a student.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Bipolar Thoughts. My name is Steven and I will be your host for the day.
(00:10):
So let me start this by saying that my normal recording software is fucked. I don't know what's going on with it.
Adobe has decided to quit fucking working on me so now we're having a new year's audacity which I know nothing about so please forgive whatever the fuck happens with this.
(00:33):
Also I wanted to say that I spent a lot of time thinking about the times in my life where Bipolar was really an issue for my school or schooling and there was only a there's really not a lot of real issues.
I say that but okay.
Let me get into this. I think my earliest memories are in elementary school and finding it hard to focus.
(01:01):
Now that probably has more to do with like the ADHD but I remember going through two episodes.
I remember getting pneumonia for two weeks and when I got back I felt so overwhelmed from all the work that I had missed that I just shut down.
I just stopped. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't function. I got even more sick and just I started I started failing and they started sending home notes which of course I forged the signature of my parents because.
(01:37):
I don't want to get in trouble until I got caught which wouldn't have happened except I got real cocky and try to sign it on the bumpy ass bus right before I walked into class and that was not a good idea because it looked like chicken scratch and she immediately knew that it wasn't me.
As far as school goes when I was younger it's hard to really discuss like how it was because I was undiagnosed and it was hard to have.
(02:08):
I had no idea what was going on.
I would say that I was manic for most of my young life mixed mixed with severe bouts of depression.
The manic phases were intense because I was very promiscuous at a girlfriend who had some kind of she had to have had some kind of neurodivergency.
(02:31):
But we fucked everywhere we could stairs in the hall at school the bathrooms at school the mall the movies the backseat of cars.
We did it behind some like sewage plant thing one time and it was really hard to do because it fucking reaped the entire time but she was bound and fucking determined anyway.
(02:59):
And then there were the drugs and alcohol which is a whole nother episode a whole nother thing all on its own.
I was I was an angry youth very punk rock you know I would I would spend days without sleep and find and find ways to pass the time like I learned JavaScript so that I could make my my space better than everyone else's.
(03:29):
I was actually pretty good at it and I was kind of a myspace king.
Or when I started to blog where I just started putting my poetry out and my song lyrics because I couldn't keep them in my room for fear of my mom might find them.
Not that they were like anything bad but my mom is super super conservative and it might not have gone over well.
(03:52):
Like once you made me rip up a misfit shirt just because it she didn't like the lyrics to like which I get it. I mean the lyrics that she saw was mommy can I go out and kill the night which is an ironic and funny kind of funny song if you understand it but it anyway.
It's not really ironic it's about the son of Sam but anyway I think it's about the son of Sam anyway it's a it's a intense song and she didn't like the lyrics of it so she made me cut the fucking shirt up which really pissed me off.
(04:29):
So I would fall asleep in class because I was so tired from not sleeping for days like I would go like three days at a time and my grades suffered for it which led to the overwhelming feelings and then depression because I'd get overwhelmed because I couldn't do my homework and then I'd fall into a depression.
(04:51):
It was just a crazy fucking cycle and what's crazy is my parents didn't even notice they just thought I was a moody Texas you know a moody teenager and that's mostly because the fact that like where I'm from in Texas mental health is not a big issue we don't talk about it at all.
So Governor Abbott if you're listening please focus more on mental health in Texas it's so important I know there's resources out there but you should at least make it like a public announcement or something that lets people know that there are resources out there for them because a lot of people don't even utilize them because they don't even fucking know about it.
(05:27):
So this is a call to Governor Abbott in Texas get your shit together and help the mental health you know the mentally the people who need it.
Yeah so anyway high school was rough because it was like rapid cycling between being manic and and promiscuous and being so depressed that I cut myself in secret which is not something that like a lot of people know about because it was in secret.
(06:03):
Now that I'm in college though some of the biggest challenges that I face are the down phases like when I get overwhelmed I shut down which leads to depression and when I can't get out of bed for days like that's when I can't get out of bed for days and like the problem with that is that most most
professors are understand to an extent but they don't really get it you know and you try to explain to them but it just sounds like you are fucking Raven Lunatic and it's just it's kind of embarrassing a little bit and what's worse is that when I'm like that it's so hard for me to get like it's so hard for me to get up and take a piss let alone write an email about how I'm feeling to a person I barely know to let them know that I'm basically in a battle and you know for Middle Earth
(06:51):
and losing horrifically which I don't know if you know it's probable that you don't get that reference but I don't give a shit it worked for me.
When I'm manic it's fucking great because I can get all my work done and then I get ahead problem with that though is that I get hyper focused and then I lose interest in everything else and then eventually get burnt out and then lose interest in everything and then here we are back at depression.
(07:21):
For my bipolar it really shines through when I get overwown like that's when I fall into my depressive moods. I've noticed here lately since I've been medicated my manic phases are a lot less now but my depression phases are a lot more frequent.
(07:47):
They're less and I don't want to say less intense but they don't last as long but they're still they happen more frequently.
They use who? Sorry. It's well it's 718 now but I've been up since like three o'clock so and then several times throughout the night.
I also have sleep apnea so I wake up fucking all throughout the night and so I hardly get any sleep.
(08:18):
Luckily I go to school where professors are understanding even if they don't truly understand the only thing that they really know is that people with bipolar commit suicide and they don't want that you know to be the cause they don't want to be the cause of that.
At least that's how it feels it's more like they don't want to get the blood on their hands so you know so they act all compassionate about it and maybe they truly are but it's hard to really trust that when you know your whole life you've had to hide a large part of yourself and know that it's out there in the open you don't know who you can trust with it.
(09:00):
Me I don't really give a shit that's why I do a podcast if you like it cool if you don't cool you know if it's for you then awesome if it's not for you then keep fucking scrolling you know I'm not here for you I'm here for the people who need it and who want to feel less alone.
(09:23):
So yeah I would say that there's there's resources if there are resources of your school reach out to them if you feel like you don't truly understand if they don't truly understand you educate them.
Talk to them and tell them what it's what it's really like to walk a day in your shoes.
Most of them think they have an idea of a really have no idea that's really easy to read about it in a book or see a documentary but it's it's totally different to see it or live with someone who has bipolar.
(09:53):
I mean that's something completely different.
I'd like to hear what you what your school life is like if you have bipolar or any mental health issues.
You know if you'd like to be a guest on the show let me know and maybe we can work that out as well.
(10:16):
I would like to give a special shout out to the needed foul 3197 who especially requested this episode so shout out to them.
And if you have any requests please let me know and I'll try and pump them out.
And as always remember that you don't have to sit in the dark alone.
Welcome to Bipolar Thoughts. My name is Steven and I will be your host for the day.
(00:10):
So let me start this by saying that my normal recording software is fucked. I don't know what's going on with it.
Adobe has decided to quit fucking working on me so now we're having a new year's audacity which I know nothing about so please forgive whatever the fuck happens with this.
(00:33):
Also I wanted to say that I spent a lot of time thinking about the times in my life where Bipolar was really an issue for my school or schooling and there was only a there's really not a lot of real issues.
I say that but okay.
Let me get into this. I think my earliest memories are in elementary school and finding it hard to focus.
(01:01):
Now that probably has more to do with like the ADHD but I remember going through two episodes.
I remember getting pneumonia for two weeks and when I got back I felt so overwhelmed from all the work that I had missed that I just shut down.
I just stopped. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't function. I got even more sick and just I started I started failing and they started sending home notes which of course I forged the signature of my parents because.
(01:37):
I don't want to get in trouble until I got caught which wouldn't have happened except I got real cocky and try to sign it on the bumpy ass bus right before I walked into class and that was not a good idea because it looked like chicken scratch and she immediately knew that it wasn't me.
As far as school goes when I was younger it's hard to really discuss like how it was because I was undiagnosed and it was hard to have.
(02:08):
I had no idea what was going on.
I would say that I was manic for most of my young life mixed mixed with severe bouts of depression.
The manic phases were intense because I was very promiscuous at a girlfriend who had some kind of she had to have had some kind of neurodivergency.
(02:31):
But we fucked everywhere we could stairs in the hall at school the bathrooms at school the mall the movies the backseat of cars.
We did it behind some like sewage plant thing one time and it was really hard to do because it fucking reaped the entire time but she was bound and fucking determined anyway.
(02:59):
And then there were the drugs and alcohol which is a whole nother episode a whole nother thing all on its own.
I was I was an angry youth very punk rock you know I would I would spend days without sleep and find and find ways to pass the time like I learned JavaScript so that I could make my my space better than everyone else's.
(03:29):
I was actually pretty good at it and I was kind of a myspace king.
Or when I started to blog where I just started putting my poetry out and my song lyrics because I couldn't keep them in my room for fear of my mom might find them.
Not that they were like anything bad but my mom is super super conservative and it might not have gone over well.
(03:52):
Like once you made me rip up a misfit shirt just because it she didn't like the lyrics to like which I get it. I mean the lyrics that she saw was mommy can I go out and kill the night which is an ironic and funny kind of funny song if you understand it but it anyway.
It's not really ironic it's about the son of Sam but anyway I think it's about the son of Sam anyway it's a it's a intense song and she didn't like the lyrics of it so she made me cut the fucking shirt up which really pissed me off.
(04:29):
So I would fall asleep in class because I was so tired from not sleeping for days like I would go like three days at a time and my grades suffered for it which led to the overwhelming feelings and then depression because I'd get overwhelmed because I couldn't do my homework and then I'd fall into a depression.
(04:51):
It was just a crazy fucking cycle and what's crazy is my parents didn't even notice they just thought I was a moody Texas you know a moody teenager and that's mostly because the fact that like where I'm from in Texas mental health is not a big issue we don't talk about it at all.
So Governor Abbott if you're listening please focus more on mental health in Texas it's so important I know there's resources out there but you should at least make it like a public announcement or something that lets people know that there are resources out there for them because a lot of people don't even utilize them because they don't even fucking know about it.
(05:27):
So this is a call to Governor Abbott in Texas get your shit together and help the mental health you know the mentally the people who need it.
Yeah so anyway high school was rough because it was like rapid cycling between being manic and and promiscuous and being so depressed that I cut myself in secret which is not something that like a lot of people know about because it was in secret.
(06:03):
Now that I'm in college though some of the biggest challenges that I face are the down phases like when I get overwhelmed I shut down which leads to depression and when I can't get out of bed for days like that's when I can't get out of bed for days and like the problem with that is that most most
professors are understand to an extent but they don't really get it you know and you try to explain to them but it just sounds like you are fucking Raven Lunatic and it's just it's kind of embarrassing a little bit and what's worse is that when I'm like that it's so hard for me to get like it's so hard for me to get up and take a piss let alone write an email about how I'm feeling to a person I barely know to let them know that I'm basically in a battle and you know for Middle Earth
(06:51):
and losing horrifically which I don't know if you know it's probable that you don't get that reference but I don't give a shit it worked for me.
When I'm manic it's fucking great because I can get all my work done and then I get ahead problem with that though is that I get hyper focused and then I lose interest in everything else and then eventually get burnt out and then lose interest in everything and then here we are back at depression.
(07:21):
For my bipolar it really shines through when I get overwown like that's when I fall into my depressive moods. I've noticed here lately since I've been medicated my manic phases are a lot less now but my depression phases are a lot more frequent.
(07:47):
They're less and I don't want to say less intense but they don't last as long but they're still they happen more frequently.
They use who? Sorry. It's well it's 718 now but I've been up since like three o'clock so and then several times throughout the night.
I also have sleep apnea so I wake up fucking all throughout the night and so I hardly get any sleep.
(08:18):
Luckily I go to school where professors are understanding even if they don't truly understand the only thing that they really know is that people with bipolar commit suicide and they don't want that you know to be the cause they don't want to be the cause of that.
At least that's how it feels it's more like they don't want to get the blood on their hands so you know so they act all compassionate about it and maybe they truly are but it's hard to really trust that when you know your whole life you've had to hide a large part of yourself and know that it's out there in the open you don't know who you can trust with it.
(09:00):
Me I don't really give a shit that's why I do a podcast if you like it cool if you don't cool you know if it's for you then awesome if it's not for you then keep fucking scrolling you know I'm not here for you I'm here for the people who need it and who want to feel less alone.
(09:23):
So yeah I would say that there's there's resources if there are resources of your school reach out to them if you feel like you don't truly understand if they don't truly understand you educate them.
Talk to them and tell them what it's what it's really like to walk a day in your shoes.
Most of them think they have an idea of a really have no idea that's really easy to read about it in a book or see a documentary but it's it's totally different to see it or live with someone who has bipolar.
(09:53):
I mean that's something completely different.
I'd like to hear what you what your school life is like if you have bipolar or any mental health issues.
You know if you'd like to be a guest on the show let me know and maybe we can work that out as well.
(10:16):
I would like to give a special shout out to the needed foul 3197 who especially requested this episode so shout out to them.
And if you have any requests please let me know and I'll try and pump them out.
And as always remember that you don't have to sit in the dark alone.
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