December 30, 2023 • 12 mins
I'm just jumping back into things after a small hiatus. Hope everyone has had a great holiday season so far. #bipolar #mentalhealth #fyp #podcast #happyholidays
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Okay, so today I want to preface things off by saying happy holidays to everybody.
(00:10):
I hope everything went well for everybody. I hope everybody had a safe holiday.
I hope that everybody got what they wanted.
For me, the holidays have been kind of rough.
I had to go down and see my kids in Texas, which is kind of a bittersweet thing for me because I love my kids.
(00:39):
I live a thousand miles away from them and I don't get to see them except through FaceTime or whatever, except a couple of times a year.
It's always a bittersweet thing whenever I get to see them because it's joyful and you're excited and you get to see them and you spend time with them.
You get to love on them and then you have to leave.
(01:03):
It's always hard to do that.
That's hard on anybody. Don't get me wrong.
If you're a parent, it's hard. Even if you're not a parent, let's say your brother or your sister, you don't get to see them very often.
But then you see them at Thanksgiving or whatever. It's kind of the same thing.
(01:28):
If you guys are real close or real tight or whatever, you have to split up and you don't see it. You're sad.
Everybody gets sad about things like that. For a parent, it's a little bit harder. It's a little bit more intense.
For somebody with bipolar disorder, it can be something, it can be a trigger.
(01:55):
For me, I was already kind of in a down phase. I was already kind of headed down.
I think honestly, I've been in a down for a few months to be 100% honest about it.
I think that I've... I don't know. I can't explain it.
(02:20):
It's like a functioning depression. I don't know if that's a real thing or if that's how I feel.
It's like a functioning alcoholic. It's kind of how I feel, except without the alcohol.
And with depression. I'm sorry about that. I'm not going to stop it because it's too much of a pain in the ass to deal with all that.
(02:45):
Hopefully this just stays up. You should see the rig that I've got to set up this camera.
It's the most ridiculous thing and it's super top heavy and I don't know that it's going to stay.
We're going to hope that it does.
Yeah, it's staying for now. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, so I had a whole structure for this episode and it just kind of went to shit immediately.
(03:17):
So I kind of stuck on where to go from here. There's also a whole situation with my kids.
And I don't want to get into too much detail because it's really personal, first of all, but it's also...
It could cause legal problems, I think, if I was to talk too much about it, I think.
(03:47):
But let's just say that there's some things that are going on with my kids that make me worry a little bit, make me upset a little bit.
And having to come back here and be a thousand miles away and only be able to think and worry about that, I don't know, I don't know, man.
(04:21):
On top of all of that, I'm supposed to start my ECT treatments on Tuesday and I've decided actually that I'm not going to do them because the thing is my mom, my girlfriend, my girlfriend's mom,
everybody I know has been on my ass about this and just chewing my ass out, but basically telling me that this is a stupid fucking idea.
(04:54):
I don't know, they all say it came from a place of worry, but that's not how I felt about it and I don't think anyone ever once asked how I felt about it, like whether or not I thought it was a good idea,
whether or not I felt like it was the right thing for me to do.
(05:16):
Excuse me, coffee makes me burp, so if you hear me burp, I apologize.
I don't know why that happens, that's also another thing that I'm like, what the fuck, why did that happen anyway.
What was I, yeah, anyway, they all say it came from a place of worry and love, but it just didn't feel that way.
(05:40):
It just felt more like anger, like they were just angry at me about doing it and I'm like, well, I've kind of run out of options.
Like we've talked to the doctor, the doctor is the one that suggested this, the doctor is the one that said, you know, we're kind of at the end of our ropes, we've done everything else, you know, this is one of the last viable options that we have.
(06:05):
I mean, it's not the last one, it's not the only one, but I mean, he really felt like this was going to be productive, I guess, he felt like it was the right step, the right way to go.
And I trust this man because he's never lied to me, he's always worked with me with my medicines, he's always, like any suggestions he's made, I mean, this man has jumped through loops to do a lot of things.
(06:31):
Even to do the ECT thing, he like jumped through loops to get that done.
And so I feel like a piece of shit for telling him that I don't want to do it anymore, but I just can't take all the pressure that everyone else, like there, the doctors are pressuring me to do it.
The, there, my family is pressuring me not to do it. I have a very short window to get it done because we have to move and in five, six days, in six days, we have to be out of this apartment and into our new apartment all on the same day, and which is six days from now.
(07:06):
And then we have, I'm supposed to start the ECT on Tuesday, and then I actually start school in like 13 days or something like that. I don't know, maybe a little bit less, give or take a day.
But anyway, in the thing with the ECT is it's supposed to be three times a week for four weeks. Well, this is my window. Like, I have to, and I can only like really commit to two week, two times a week, like at least for the first two, like first week, I can only do two times a week because of the moving and everything else.
(07:49):
But then I mean, after that, I could do three times. But then the thing is, like I started school in two weeks. So like, even then, I would have to go into my school, like the first two weeks of school or at least a week of school doing ECT treatments.
And I'm not going to, that's going to fuck everything completely up. See, look, I can be sliding again.
(08:16):
It's because this thing is just, I had to like tape two pieces of a camera holder, like a tripod together.
And there goes my alarm. I'm sorry for all the distractions, guys. I was really not really like, this was kind of a win. I've been putting it off and putting it off.
(08:37):
Because I've been so like kind of down and I just I've kind of lost interest in anything. Golf has been like the only savior saving thing that I've had that like has really been a distraction or anything to kind of like really keep me from really diving down to too far.
(09:01):
It's really pissing me off. We may just end up having to go with no video on this one. I don't really know. We're going to see how this works out.
(09:23):
Doing the best I can guys doing the best I can working with what I got, which is actually a little bit crazy because like this setup is like I got feel like a rapper. I got a dual screen action.
Like we got my notes on my one laptop on my tablet. I've got my audition actually run in and then I got my travel over here actually recording the video. So this is I feel a little bit more sophisticated and a little bit more like upgraded here.
(09:55):
I don't know what to do with myself. Anyway, I don't know. I'm just it's been a serious battle this year. And I think what I'm going to do is do like a like a 2023 recap like I need to go through and actually actually
(10:24):
go back to my journals and kind of look through some of the stuff that I did in this year because I've done a lot. It's been a long fucking year, a long fucking year and a lot of shit has happened.
So I think that's what I'm going to do is I think this episode is just kind of me bullshitting around kind of getting back in the swing of things. Kind of giving you an idea of like where my head is.
(10:55):
Not in a great place. But I'm not in like kill myself. I guess sorry. And I was you probably noticed that there's like no shit on the walls and like I feel very institutionalized with this like nothing on the walls behind me shit going on.
(11:18):
It's like, I don't know, boring, I guess. It's it's that's actually more distracting to me than if I had a bunch of shit on the walls.
Like, that's what is more distracting to me than anything else. But I don't want to be too long on this just fucking rambling and saying a bunch of dumb shit.
(11:39):
But yeah, I think I'll do a 2023 recap of everything. But yeah, I don't really know what else to talk about. So I think I'm just going to kind of end it there.
I hope you guys again have had a great holiday up to now. And I hope you have a great new year. I hope the start of your new year is better than last year's. Even though last year's might have been great for you.
(12:09):
That's awesome if it was cool. Let's hope that this year is even better.
If your year started off shitty and continued shitty like mine, then let's hope 2024 is a little bit fucking better.
I know there's a lot of shit going on in the world right now. There's a lot of things that are up in the air and a lot of a lot of things that are just a lot of things that are going crazy.
(12:37):
So just try and keep your wits about you. Just try and be a good person, I guess.
And with that said, just remember you never have to sit in the dark alone.
Okay, so today I want to preface things off by saying happy holidays to everybody.
(00:10):
I hope everything went well for everybody. I hope everybody had a safe holiday.
I hope that everybody got what they wanted.
For me, the holidays have been kind of rough.
I had to go down and see my kids in Texas, which is kind of a bittersweet thing for me because I love my kids.
(00:39):
I live a thousand miles away from them and I don't get to see them except through FaceTime or whatever, except a couple of times a year.
It's always a bittersweet thing whenever I get to see them because it's joyful and you're excited and you get to see them and you spend time with them.
You get to love on them and then you have to leave.
(01:03):
It's always hard to do that.
That's hard on anybody. Don't get me wrong.
If you're a parent, it's hard. Even if you're not a parent, let's say your brother or your sister, you don't get to see them very often.
But then you see them at Thanksgiving or whatever. It's kind of the same thing.
(01:28):
If you guys are real close or real tight or whatever, you have to split up and you don't see it. You're sad.
Everybody gets sad about things like that. For a parent, it's a little bit harder. It's a little bit more intense.
For somebody with bipolar disorder, it can be something, it can be a trigger.
(01:55):
For me, I was already kind of in a down phase. I was already kind of headed down.
I think honestly, I've been in a down for a few months to be 100% honest about it.
I think that I've... I don't know. I can't explain it.
(02:20):
It's like a functioning depression. I don't know if that's a real thing or if that's how I feel.
It's like a functioning alcoholic. It's kind of how I feel, except without the alcohol.
And with depression. I'm sorry about that. I'm not going to stop it because it's too much of a pain in the ass to deal with all that.
(02:45):
Hopefully this just stays up. You should see the rig that I've got to set up this camera.
It's the most ridiculous thing and it's super top heavy and I don't know that it's going to stay.
We're going to hope that it does.
Yeah, it's staying for now. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, so I had a whole structure for this episode and it just kind of went to shit immediately.
(03:17):
So I kind of stuck on where to go from here. There's also a whole situation with my kids.
And I don't want to get into too much detail because it's really personal, first of all, but it's also...
It could cause legal problems, I think, if I was to talk too much about it, I think.
(03:47):
But let's just say that there's some things that are going on with my kids that make me worry a little bit, make me upset a little bit.
And having to come back here and be a thousand miles away and only be able to think and worry about that, I don't know, I don't know, man.
(04:21):
On top of all of that, I'm supposed to start my ECT treatments on Tuesday and I've decided actually that I'm not going to do them because the thing is my mom, my girlfriend, my girlfriend's mom,
everybody I know has been on my ass about this and just chewing my ass out, but basically telling me that this is a stupid fucking idea.
(04:54):
I don't know, they all say it came from a place of worry, but that's not how I felt about it and I don't think anyone ever once asked how I felt about it, like whether or not I thought it was a good idea,
whether or not I felt like it was the right thing for me to do.
(05:16):
Excuse me, coffee makes me burp, so if you hear me burp, I apologize.
I don't know why that happens, that's also another thing that I'm like, what the fuck, why did that happen anyway.
What was I, yeah, anyway, they all say it came from a place of worry and love, but it just didn't feel that way.
(05:40):
It just felt more like anger, like they were just angry at me about doing it and I'm like, well, I've kind of run out of options.
Like we've talked to the doctor, the doctor is the one that suggested this, the doctor is the one that said, you know, we're kind of at the end of our ropes, we've done everything else, you know, this is one of the last viable options that we have.
(06:05):
I mean, it's not the last one, it's not the only one, but I mean, he really felt like this was going to be productive, I guess, he felt like it was the right step, the right way to go.
And I trust this man because he's never lied to me, he's always worked with me with my medicines, he's always, like any suggestions he's made, I mean, this man has jumped through loops to do a lot of things.
(06:31):
Even to do the ECT thing, he like jumped through loops to get that done.
And so I feel like a piece of shit for telling him that I don't want to do it anymore, but I just can't take all the pressure that everyone else, like there, the doctors are pressuring me to do it.
The, there, my family is pressuring me not to do it. I have a very short window to get it done because we have to move and in five, six days, in six days, we have to be out of this apartment and into our new apartment all on the same day, and which is six days from now.
(07:06):
And then we have, I'm supposed to start the ECT on Tuesday, and then I actually start school in like 13 days or something like that. I don't know, maybe a little bit less, give or take a day.
But anyway, in the thing with the ECT is it's supposed to be three times a week for four weeks. Well, this is my window. Like, I have to, and I can only like really commit to two week, two times a week, like at least for the first two, like first week, I can only do two times a week because of the moving and everything else.
(07:49):
But then I mean, after that, I could do three times. But then the thing is, like I started school in two weeks. So like, even then, I would have to go into my school, like the first two weeks of school or at least a week of school doing ECT treatments.
And I'm not going to, that's going to fuck everything completely up. See, look, I can be sliding again.
(08:16):
It's because this thing is just, I had to like tape two pieces of a camera holder, like a tripod together.
And there goes my alarm. I'm sorry for all the distractions, guys. I was really not really like, this was kind of a win. I've been putting it off and putting it off.
(08:37):
Because I've been so like kind of down and I just I've kind of lost interest in anything. Golf has been like the only savior saving thing that I've had that like has really been a distraction or anything to kind of like really keep me from really diving down to too far.
(09:01):
It's really pissing me off. We may just end up having to go with no video on this one. I don't really know. We're going to see how this works out.
(09:23):
Doing the best I can guys doing the best I can working with what I got, which is actually a little bit crazy because like this setup is like I got feel like a rapper. I got a dual screen action.
Like we got my notes on my one laptop on my tablet. I've got my audition actually run in and then I got my travel over here actually recording the video. So this is I feel a little bit more sophisticated and a little bit more like upgraded here.
(09:55):
I don't know what to do with myself. Anyway, I don't know. I'm just it's been a serious battle this year. And I think what I'm going to do is do like a like a 2023 recap like I need to go through and actually actually
(10:24):
go back to my journals and kind of look through some of the stuff that I did in this year because I've done a lot. It's been a long fucking year, a long fucking year and a lot of shit has happened.
So I think that's what I'm going to do is I think this episode is just kind of me bullshitting around kind of getting back in the swing of things. Kind of giving you an idea of like where my head is.
(10:55):
Not in a great place. But I'm not in like kill myself. I guess sorry. And I was you probably noticed that there's like no shit on the walls and like I feel very institutionalized with this like nothing on the walls behind me shit going on.
(11:18):
It's like, I don't know, boring, I guess. It's it's that's actually more distracting to me than if I had a bunch of shit on the walls.
Like, that's what is more distracting to me than anything else. But I don't want to be too long on this just fucking rambling and saying a bunch of dumb shit.
(11:39):
But yeah, I think I'll do a 2023 recap of everything. But yeah, I don't really know what else to talk about. So I think I'm just going to kind of end it there.
I hope you guys again have had a great holiday up to now. And I hope you have a great new year. I hope the start of your new year is better than last year's. Even though last year's might have been great for you.
(12:09):
That's awesome if it was cool. Let's hope that this year is even better.
If your year started off shitty and continued shitty like mine, then let's hope 2024 is a little bit fucking better.
I know there's a lot of shit going on in the world right now. There's a lot of things that are up in the air and a lot of a lot of things that are just a lot of things that are going crazy.
(12:37):
So just try and keep your wits about you. Just try and be a good person, I guess.
And with that said, just remember you never have to sit in the dark alone.
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