DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“I’m fond of the Loch Ness Monster but not enough to jizz”

The panel of peril stand before boardroom, magic marker in hand, and write “PANEL OF PERILS” on the whiteboard. They then turn the S into a $, and the rest is history. To celebrate a successful bit o’ business, they watch this week’s film Aliens (James Cameron, 1986).

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) wakes up from a decades-long cryo-sleep only to find herself pushed back into...

“Silly old sod* (*General Zod)”

The panel of peril emerge from their fortress of solitude (the toilet), wherein they have lost quite a lot of their own power (…). With their last ounce of strength, they pop themselves onto a comfy chair to watch this week’s film Superman II (Richard Lester, 1980).

Superman/Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) has settled into life in Metropolis in fine style maintaining his dual identity of clumsy reporter...

“My gut says, absolutely bang on”

The panel of peril take some time out from whittling chess pieces out of small rocks to watch this week’s cinematic classic, The Shawshank Redemption (Frank Darabont, 1994).

After being sentenced to life in prison for the murder of his wife, Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) makes both friends (Red, as played by Morgan Freeman) and enemies (Warden Norton played by Bob Gunton and Captain Hadley played by Cl...

“I remember feet”

The panel of peril very calmly walk into a room, just a normal room mind you, to watch this week’s film Panic Room (David Fincher, 2002).

Recent divorcee Meg Altman (Jodie Foster) and her daughter Sarah (Kristen Stewart) are house hunting in the affluent brownstones of New York City. Deciding upon a grand, old building – complete with an old service lift, and state of the art panic room – the ladies settle in for th...

“Takes a good eight minutes to burn a crumpet, I reckon”

The panel of peril take an ill-advised detour to a town that they have been told to never visit, a town so run-down and dilapidated that man dare not tread: Rhyl. Still, they must go, for they have a film screening to catch: Silent Hill (Christophe Gans, 2006).

Rose (Radha Mitchell), Christopher (Sean Bean) and Sharon (Jodelle Ferland) are a family troubled by nightmares of a g...

“Just don't go anywhere, that's the best thing”

The panel of peril walk home because, save for the off chance of a piano falling from a great height onto your head, it is statistically the safest form of travel. That fact is born out by this week’s film, Duel (Steven Spielberg, 1971).

David Mann (Dennis Weaver) is a middle-aged salesman driving across the Mojave desert for an important meeting. It’s a long drive, very hot, his wife (...

“Let’s not be centaur-mental about this”

The panel of peril lay down their trusty jackhammers after a hard day’s graft at the old concrete factory. They’ll have a quick shower and pop this week’s film into their frontal cortex… it’s Total Recall (Paul Verhoeven, 1990).

Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is an ordinary Earth-bound schmo-hawk who dreams of a more exciting life… on Mars. Fortunately, memory implantation company Rekall h...

“I'll be downstairs, asleep, without my head on”

The panel of peril tie their hair in a couple of lovely plaits and don some fetching red slip-ons to watch this week’s film Return To Oz (Walter Murch, 1985).

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) is plagued by memories of the wonderful land of Oz, and as such is completely unable to sleep. Shipped off to a suspiciously creepy ‘clinic’ by her well-meaning Aunt Em (Piper Laurie), Dorothy soon embarks ...

“When I say Hollywood, I mean it in the loosest possible terms”

The panel of peril go backpacking through the harsh terrain of the North Wales, where nothing of any real consequence happens to them. Just as well, as they have a filmic date to get to as they have matched with Wolf Creek 2 (Greg McLean, 2013).

The Australian Outback too attracts many such backpackers. Such as Rutger (Phillippe Klaus) and Katarina (Shannon Ashlyn), visi...

“Why would you pre-make pancake batter?”

The panel of peril take a large glug from a strong bottle of something hidden within a brown bag as they trudge downtown. They’re on their way home to watch this week’s film, Little Shop Of Horrors (Frank Oz, 1986).

Seymour (Rick Moranis) and Audrey (Ellen Greene) are two unlucky-in-love florists assistants hoping for a better future, away from their dead-end jobs and Skid Row digs. Their luck...

“Yippie ki yay, mother pucker”

The panel of peril successfully extinguish a housefire, with absolutely NO casualties, thereby proving themselves better than the lead of this week’s film. That star is Jean Claude Van Damme, that film is Sudden Death (Peter Hyams, 1995), and our guest at this time is the Editor of Empire Magazine and author of The Last Action Heroes, Nick De Semlyen.

Darren McCord (JCVD) is a disgraced (?) former firef...

“No one smells what space smells like when you scream… in space”

A theremin plays that one thing that it can do in the background as the panel of peril walk through a small graveyard filled with (five or six) wobbly tombstones. They are searching for the screening room for this week’s film Plan 9 From Outer Space (Ed Wood, 1957).

In what some have dubbed the ‘worst film ever made’, SEE! zombies rise from the grave (Bela Lugosi, Vampi...

“I think they deserved to die, if that’s what killed ‘em”

The panel of peril fall a small distance from a rickety bridge into a shallow river and arrive home soaking wet! They are sopping wet, but otherwise fine – thus their viewing of Beetlejuice (Tim Burton, 1988) shall commence as planned!

When the Deetz family (Catherine O’Hara, Winona Ryder) move from the city into a new home they plan to do what new homeowners always do – redoc...

“Stay in your lane, Heston”

The panel of peril feed their cats (cat food). They next feed their dogs. Finally… finally… they are ready to watch this week’s film Cats & Dogs (Lawrence Guterman, 2001). They are joined by Harley Mumford from Fandomentals podcast, who has also just fed his dog.

A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, of which their human owners are blissfully unaware, Cats &a...

“He's a digital Deliveroo driver”

The Panel of Peril are well used to jacking a load of information into the old grey matter. Therefore, this week’s task shall pose them no problem – yes, it’s Johnny Mnemonic (Robert Longo, 1995).

The year 2021: the NAS epidemic sweeps the world, and our Johnny (Keanu Reeves) is a sought-after data courier, smuggling illicit information across borders and shielding it against the shady corporations w...

“At least one of them is a luge chase, so wind your neck in”

The Panel of Peril resign their posts in disgust at being told they aren’t allowed to do whatever the heck they please. Fortunately, their secretary has swapped out their resignation letter for a letter requesting time off to watch many, many films. They shall begin with this week’s film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (Peter R. Hunt, 1969).

James Bond (George Lazenby) is ...

“Not the worst thing Christopher Cain has produced”

The Panel of Peril are rootin’. They’re also prone to a little bit of tootin’. Put ‘em together, and we got ourselves a rootin’ tootin’ good time as we watch this week’s film, Young Guns (Christopher Cain, 1988).

Loosely based on the adventures of Billy The Kid (Emilio Estevez) - and featuring fellow Brat Pack alumni Charlie Sheen, Lou Diamond Phillips and Kiefer Sutherland - the bo...

“This was supposed to be our prestige episode”

The panel of peril go to the bathroom and lock themselves in a stall and check how sweaty their pits are. Very. They’re very, very sweaty. No wonder, as they face a goliath in this week’s film: Michael Clayton (Tony Gilroy, 2007).

Michael (George Clooney) is a self-described janitor who cleans up messes on behalf of clients for a prestigious New York law firm. A law firm currently in the...

“The one thing he needed to do to not f__k it up was not be a nonce”

The panel of peril strap on some rollerblades and take to the skies! They go about a bit, you knowwww, before tiring of that nonsense and having a nice sit to watch this week’s film Jupiter Ascending (The Wachowskis, 2015). They are joined by video essayist Delaney Jordan!

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an ordinary Joe/Jupiter… or is she? Could it be that she is actu...