what if i never get better?

what if it always feels like this? what if i never truly heal my mental health? today, we'll be discussing the very real and overwhelming worry that many of us who struggle with our mental health face. the thing is; mental health recovery isn't an achievement to be had... it's a relationship to establish. let's feel some feelings.

Welcome back to Feel Your Feelings with Ethan Jewell! I'm not a psychologist, a doctor, or a mental health professional. Instead, I'm here to guide you through the world of mental health from a casual, relatable lens. I've been there, I've felt that, and I understand what you're feeling. Let's feel some feelings.

Poetry book and more on my website:⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠www.ethanjewell.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

IG: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@jewellboi_

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
What if I never get better? What if this is it?
What if the ache in my chest, the fog in my mind, it never
actually leaves? What if I never really heal?
If you've whispered any of thesequestions to yourself in the
quiet of your room late at night, then this episode is for
you. My name is Ethan Jewell and

(00:22):
welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
Today we're diving into something that I don't think
we'd talk about enough. You know, it's not healing, it's
not hope, it's not growth, but it's fear.
Specifically the fear that you'll never feel OK again.
That no matter how hard you try,how many habits you build, how

(00:44):
many books you read or therapists you see, you'll,
you'll always feel a little broken.
And it's a difficult but very real part of mental health
recovery. I want to remind you that I'm
not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not
a professional in the mental health industry.
I'm just a guy who has been through a lot of these things.

(01:06):
I've felt a whole lot of feelings.
And I want to start the conversation from a very real
human perspective. So today we're going to talk
about what that feels like to question if we'll never be
better. I mean, let's be honest, mental
health content, even the good helpful stuff, even this podcast
can feel sometimes a little too optimistic.

(01:27):
Like just keep going and you'll get better.
Or healing isn't linear, but it's always happening.
And I say those things too, all the time, and I think that
they're true. But what happens when you do
keep going and you still feel stuck?
What happens when you've tried everything, journaling,
meditation, movement, medication, and you still wake
up with that same heaviness in your chest?

(01:48):
You start to wonder, what if this is just who I am?
What if I never get better? What if what worked for these
other people will never work forme because I'm just too broken?
And that thought is terrifying because it makes you question
everything, your effort and yourprogress.
You start to believe that maybe you're just destined to feel
like this forever. And I've been there.

(02:11):
There was a time when I was deeply struggling with
depression. I was deeply struggling with
anxiety. And I tried so many different
things. I, I, I would journal and I
would go on walks and I would get outside and it felt like it
just wasn't working. I felt like I was just hitting a
wall over and over and over again.
I thought to myself, man, there's something really wrong
with me. And what's working for everyone

(02:33):
else just isn't working for me. But here's something that I
started thinking about and that I think you should think about
too. What if getting better isn't
about fixing yourself? And we're so used to thinking of
healing our mental health like it's a destination.
Like one day we'll wake up and everything will be fine, Our
past won't hurt, our anxiety will be gone, and we'll be

(02:54):
permanently happy. But what if better isn't a
finish line, It's a relationshipwith yourself?
What if healing means learning to live alongside your pain
rather than completely defeatingit?
You don't cure sadness, you don't erase grief, you don't
beat anxiety into the ground. You learn to understand those

(03:15):
feelings. You learn to tend to them like a
garden. And maybe the goal isn't to
never feel broken. Maybe the goal is to just be
gentle with yourself when you dofeel broken.
And maybe being better isn't waking up happy every morning.
Maybe it's just waking up and getting out of bed, even if your

(03:36):
chest is heavy. Maybe it's reaching out to a
friend, even if you still feel lonely.
Maybe it's crying on the floor. But this time you don't feel
ashamed about it. That's progress and that's huge.
Sometimes the changes they're, they're so quiet that you don't
even notice them, but they're there and you become more aware
and you become more compassionate to yourself.
You're, you're more honest with yourself.
That is better, even if it doesn't feel the way that you

(03:58):
thought it would. Because it's OK to be tired.
It's OK to wonder if you'll never feel OK again.
But I want you to know you don'thave to pressure yourself into
hope. You can hold space for both.
You can think to yourself this hurts.
And you can also think to yourself, maybe it won't always
hurt like this. Healing doesn't require
certainty. It just asks you for one thing.

(04:21):
That you stay, that you stay curious about your feelings,
that you stay open to the possibility of maybe feeling
better one day. That you stay here because even
if you don't see it, the fact that you're you're still here,
you're listening, you're trying,you're feeling, that means
something. I struggled for years asking

(04:42):
myself if I'll ever get better, thinking that maybe I won't ever
get better. I spent years thinking that
there was something so deeply wrong with me because I was
trying to fix myself. But I am not meant to be fixed,
and you're not meant to be fixed.
Mental health recovery is growing and building a better
relationship with yourself and with your feelings and learning

(05:03):
how to be kind to yourself and compassionate and tend to the
garden that is your mental health.
Tend to that garden and allow flowers to sometimes grow.
They're not always going to, butit's all about opening up that
space for yourself, understanding that it's not
always about getting better, it's about trying.

(05:24):
It's about learning to live withit.
So if you've been asking yourself what if I never get
better, try answering with this.What if I'm already becoming
someone who can carry this pain with softness?
What if better is smaller and quieter than I think it is, but
still real? You're not broken.
You are becoming even when it doesn't feel like it.

(05:48):
You don't have to fully heal, you don't have to magically be
better, and likely you won't. Instead, focus on building that
relationship with yourself and your feelings and remembering
you are not something broken that needs to be fixed.
You are a person who's learning to navigate the complicated
world of mental health issues, and you have more power than you

(06:08):
think to heal. That's going to wrap it up for
today's episode. Thank you so much for being here
and understanding that healing might not look the way that we
think it is, and for understanding that it's not
about trying to magically get better, it's just about trying.
If you need help feeling your feelings, you should check out
my music on all platforms under the name of Ethan Jewell.
I almost guarantee it'll make you cry.

(06:29):
So thank you so much for being here and as always, thank you
for feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.