November 20, 2023 • 56 mins
On this week's episode, contributor Emily Kenniston joins the podcast to discuss Thanksgiving -- and how to celebrate without falling into the constant stress that surrounds the holidays.
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Speaker A (00:07):
Hi and welcome to the South Central PA mom, Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast
where we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in South
Central, Pa.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while and settle
in for the show.
Speaker B (00:26):
Hi everyone.
Speaker A (00:27):
Welcome back.
This week we are with Emily, one of our
contributors.
Thanks for coming, Emily.
Speaker B (00:32):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker A (00:36):
So for those of us who are not familiar, Emily is one of our contributors,
but she also has a lot of really excitingstuff going on besides writing for us.
So why don't you tell us a little bit about.
Speaker B (00:49):
So I wear a lot of hats.
I'm a professional writer, which is a lot of
fun.
Obviously.
I love writing here.
I'm also the lead writer for a women's
business and lifestyle magazine called Gritand Goals.
We're pretty new.
We're just wrapping up our first year in
publication, so that's been a greatexperience.
I also am a freelance journalist and I wrote apsychological thriller that I'm currently
(01:12):
shopping around.
Publishers big goal for 2024.
I'm a part time school librarian.
I am a model as well.
I mostly model wedding dresses and boots,actually.
So it's got one end of the spectrum to theother.
I'm a mom.
I have an almost six year old daughter named
Brielle who is my absolute best friend.
(01:35):
And I also can't forget I currently hold the
title of Mrs. Ireland Continental Worldwide.
I was Mrs. Pennsylvania in that system last
year, and I placed top five to theinternational title in my system in August in
Salt Lake City, Utah, and walked away Mrs.
Ireland.
So this is my first time with a national titleand it's been really.
(01:56):
Oh, and I'm a professional.
I can't use the actual Disney affiliated name,
but I'm a professional princess and I've beenthe Ice Queen for nearly a decade now.
I typically do it as a way to give back to thecommunity.
I very rarely accept money for gigs.
I believe every child should be able to have a
princess at their parties or come to theirschool.
(02:19):
Back before COVID I visited some hospitals.
Today I was in a parade and I got to be the
Ice Queen.
Really being careful with my verbiage here.
And I'm doing another gig Monday at a schoolwhere I used to teach.
So it's been a real blessing.
Ironically, my own daughter is completely
unimpressed with all of.
Speaker A (02:42):
It'S like, it's like normal.
My mom's like a rock star.
So what?
Speaker B (02:46):
She'll see me walk down.
She's like, yells again.
Today I mean, Ice queen.
Oh, man.
She's like, don't come for me, Disney.
I'm just trying to give back.
That's your whole.
I stay pretty busy, and I try very hard to
keep a clean house on top of that.
I can't promise that happens, but I'm trying.
Speaker A (03:09):
So you definitely have a lot going on.
Does that make it hard, like, getting readyfor the holidays?
Speaker B (03:15):
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. So hard.
I'm very backed up in my queue right now ofarticles that I am trying to get out the door
before Thanksgiving.
I also work as a spokesmodel for a local
business, and if there's nobody to cover theirstore, I go in and I man the store.
I host all of their events, and I'm also rampcertified, which means I can legally serve
(03:39):
alcohol in the state of Pennsylvania because Iused to work at a winery, so I host events for
them.
I.
Speaker A (03:51):
Do you, do you have, like, a system for when you're getting ready, when you're
juggling all this prayer, wine, coffee?
Speaker B (04:00):
I mean, I've got, like, a little tag team situation going on.
No, I just kind of try to give myself Grace,and I try to remind myself that perfection is
an illusion.
And as long as we're showing up and doing our
best, that is what our kids will remember.
And they remember failures.
(04:22):
They're going to watch that and be like, okay,but how did they pick themselves up
afterwards?Or did they.
And they're going to remember that process.
So whenever I have something going on, I try
to remember that my daughter is watching andit's okay if I don't nail it.
Speaker A (04:37):
Yeah. And they're not going to have anything to compare it to either.
I think that for us as parents, we'recomparing it to our memories, but this is
their life.
They don't have, oh, well, this is what
Mommy's Thanksgiving was like to compare itto.
This is what they know.
Speaker B (04:55):
That's exactly right.
And I think that the holidays can absolutely
exacerbate that level of stress, because someof us, I'm sure a lot of moms on the
collective work in some type of retail relatedjob where if you're teaching or working many
types of jobs, you have this big chunk of abreak where you can reset and try to rest.
(05:20):
But if you're a nurse, if you're in retail,there are all these other professions where
you don't get a break for the holidays.
You're lucky if you can even share a meal
together.
Speaker A (05:30):
Oh, yeah.
And I'm glad to see at least in the retail
sphere, it kind of moving away from that I'venoticed this year.
But I mean, the past, what, five years?It's like target, Walmart, everything.
Speaker B (05:41):
Like, they were open on Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day.
And it's a shame that this time as a family isnot as prioritized in American culture.
My caveat to that is I do firmly andofficially want to say that I respect people
who may have tense family situations where,like, yeah, I'll work.
(06:04):
I would have been that person 15 years ago.
I have an amazing.
This is kind of what I wanted to touch ontoday is the importance of found family over
the holidays.
If that is your story, that you struggle with
some of the, shall we say, branches on yourfamily tree.
I have amazing parents.
(06:26):
My sister is my soulmate.
I'm very blessed now with my husband, my inlaws.
We are incredibly blessed.
Growing up, I had some issues with extended
family.
That Thanksgiving in particular, is like a
trigger for me.
Thanksgiving to me was less about faith,
(06:46):
family, food, fun, more about misogyny and allmy things getting broken by cousins who were
out of control, first world problems, to besure, in some ways.
But in other ways, it was very.
And all it was was stress.
There was no joy, at least for me.
(07:06):
And so Thanksgiving for me has this super
negative connotation and association with it.
And I think that now, as an adult, I am
trying.
Like, I'm the girl who wants to put up my tree
November 1 and just skip it all.
And my husband was really pressing me on that
last weekend.
He's like, what would it take to redeem this
day for you?And I'm like, honestly, I need to get out of
(07:30):
my way because what we have already has.
I need to get away from that association.
But then it got me thinking about how manyother people I'm sure are out there who are
like, we love the idea of being thankful.
We are thankful for so much.
But something happened way back when thatmakes this day hard for us because of family.
So how can I speak to that and try to helppeople?
Speaker A (07:52):
You know what this makes me think of?
Oh, my gosh.
It's making me think of your article about
Matthew Perry.
Because, remember, on friends, Chandler hated
Thanksgiving.
Speaker B (08:04):
I'm the girl who hates Thanksgiving.
That's partly what I love, his characterthrough and through.
And I laughed when I first saw that.
I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's a thing.
I'm not the only person in this world.
Speaker A (08:17):
No, but you know what was like? I feel like obviously, when I was younger, I
didn't appreciate this because it was justlike, oh, Chandler wants mac and cheese with
hot dogs in it for Thanksgiving.
How silly is he?
But now as an adult, I can look at that andit's like, you know what?
He had trauma around Thanksgiving and hisfriends accepted that and they found a way to
(08:39):
make room where he could still be involved ina way that he felt comfortable.
Speaker B (08:43):
That's exactly right.
And I think just the idea of it is stressful
prepping if you are not naturally a domesticgoddess.
My mother was.
I am not.
My idea of really, like, a great Thanksgivingspread would be one that I purchased from my
local market.
(09:04):
I have very little trust in my own culinary
skills.
Speaker A (09:08):
Nothing wrong with that, though.
That's totally okay.
Speaker B (09:12):
Exactly. And I think that that, for me, is like.
As an adult, I am trying to learn how to freemyself from expectations surrounding a day.
And that is just something that I would wantto encourage other people to do.
And also to encourage people to respect yourown boundaries.
If there is someone in your family that didsomething that caused you discomfort or worse
(09:38):
just because you share a bloodline doesn'tmean they've earned a spot at your table.
And that's a lesson I have had to learn as anadult.
And that is something that I am vehementlytrying to protect for my own child and
demonstrate to that it's okay to say no. It'sokay to love from far that it's an okay thing.
(09:59):
But if somebody is really going to damage yourmental health they don't necessarily need to
come to the meal.
That was something.
There are a couple of family members.
I really had to put my foot down and be like,
with all due respect, not in my house.
Not after what happened.
Yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker A (10:17):
That's a valid thing.
It is one thing that I think you hear a lot
now that you didn't when we were growing uplike our generation is that no is a complete
sentence.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
If it's just like, hey, not this year.
You don't have to tell them why.
If you don't feel comfortable going on likesome kind of.
(10:39):
Because who knows?It might cause some huge argument or whatever
and you don't have the space to go there.
You don't have to.
You can just say no.
Speaker B (10:47):
You can just say no. And you can rest in that no. And I think it's also, along
with that, I think it's so important this timeof year.
Not just with Thanksgiving, especially withChristmas, with Hanukkah.
Coming up to look around and to see peoplewho, you know, they're not getting those
invites to go home for whatever reason.
(11:08):
And as long as they are safe people, you know,
why invite them in?Found family this time of year, it can be
important to those of us, obviously, who haveclose family circles already, but to those who
don't, we are everything for them.
And I think the idea of setting a place at the
(11:30):
table for someone who needs that place, wereally need.
That's something we all should be open tobecause we might have stress surrounding a day
or a holiday or a season, but so do a lot ofother people.
How can we work together to bless the maximumnumber of people this time of year?
Speaker A (11:50):
Yeah, and I think the found family thing is that's a really important thing to
remember, too.
And I think you see that a lot now of people
who do like friends giving.
Oh, yeah, I get, it's like a cute punny name.
But you know what?You don't even have to have a separate one.
If Thanksgiving is going to be better for youwith your group of friends, your found family,
(12:11):
then that's what you should do.
Speaker B (12:13):
Absolutely. And I also think that sometimes things like friends giving, for
example, if you've experienced a loss in yourfamily over the course of the last year,
something like a friends giving and breakingwith the traditions, the memories of which
will be bittersweet but cause a lot of painbecause the loss is so fresh, I think it's
(12:36):
important to switch things up to try to heal.
I think that can for a lot of people.
And I think it's also important to remember.
You know what?
So what if the turkey is not awesome or thestuffing is not homemade or what the heck?
Maybe you have pizza this year.
Whatever.
(12:56):
People are not going to care about thosethings or remember those things as much as
they're going to remember the time spent andthe pictures taken and the memories made and
all these little things that we stress aboutduring a holiday.
I couldn't tell you what we ate for Christmaslast year.
I don't remember.
I remember stressing about it a lot.
Speaker A (13:18):
Because those things, they don't ultimately matter if it makes you happy.
But as an example, there was a group offriends I was talking about Thanksgiving with,
and they were talking about how so many ofthem, I don't like Thanksgiving.
I dread it every year.
And it's a small thing, but it's still valid
because I hate the Thanksgiving food.
(13:40):
And I'm going, so make something else.
No one's giving police that are going to showup and be like, oh, you don't have a turkey.
Speaker B (13:50):
I completely agree.
I am not a fan of Thanksgiving food.
I just am not a fan of it, and I respecteverybody who is.
Yeah.
So for me, but I was thinking that I'm like,
okay, so maybe this year I'll bring a chickencaesar salad.
I don't like pie, so I'll bring the ice.
Like, and never know.
(14:10):
You can reinvent something or bring somethingdifferent that somebody else might love and be
like, oh, my gosh, I'm so glad this is here.
Speaker A (14:19):
I like to do for a lot of stuff like this is look into as an example, like,
say you hate the turkey and the stuffing,whatever.
Look into your heritage for some inspirationinstead of doing this turkey dish.
Like, I am Portuguese, so, for example, Icould look up like, okay, well, we're going to
(14:41):
make the seafood stew instead.
I'm not going to do that because I actually
do.
I like Thanksgiving food.
Speaker B (14:47):
But as an example, though, a couple of weeks ago, it was the November 1, the day
after Halloween at my school, Sacred Heart andWest Reading.
The eigth grade class does this huge Dia delos Muertos presentation where they all pick a
family member, close friend, someone who haspassed on, and then they beautiful tribute to
(15:10):
them.
I was in absolute tears.
It was incredible.
So one of my students this year, he made this
Dominican dish that his family member lovedcalled Mangu.
I'd never heard of it.
It was basically mashed plantains with salami
on top.
It sounded so bizarre, right?
It was the most delicious thing I've ever hadin my life.
(15:32):
I have a new favorite food.
Anything with plantains.
I want it all.
Like, literally, I keep bugging this student.
Now I'm like, did your mom make anymore?Can you bring school?
I'll pay you for it.
It's fine.
It's delicious.
It's so good.
And he was like, this is what we serve insteadof mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.
But just it's this different.
And I'm like, that's cool.
(15:53):
Can I have this recipe?Because I don't like mashed potatoes.
This is awesome.
And I'd love to bring something different.
And who knows?Maybe I'd be the only one who ate it.
I'd eat all of it, but that's okay.
And it was so cool to see this window in a way
that was honoring someone who has passed onand their culture and be like, hey, this is
(16:14):
how we do things.
I love the idea of bringing your heritage,
bringing your family's culture into somethingthat is this very westernized tradition, which
is great, which is awesome.
But if you want to tweak that a bit.
Well, why not?All of us come from these rich, amazing,
(16:34):
diverse backgrounds, and frankly, isn't thatkind of what Thanksgiving was supposed to be
all about, the merging of all those diversebackgrounds and cultures and lifestyles?
Why don't we bring that back?
Speaker A (16:48):
Yeah, I guess I just don't.
There's no need to stress about that.
I get there's, like, the cultural expectation.
But you know what?
No one's going to care.
Or I should say, if someone is going to care,
if someone's going to whine because they don'tget turkey and stuffing, then you're not being
(17:09):
very grateful.
And that kind of goes against the spirit of
Thanksgiving.
So you can just sit down, but.
Speaker B (17:15):
Then you know what? You can host.
That's my attitude.
Yeah, I agree.
I think that there is a very societal culturalexpectation.
Like, the turkey has to be yay big and thiscrisp and this brown, and the sides have to
look exactly like this.
And, oh, my gosh, is your gravy homemade?
(17:35):
Oh, I hope it is.
I think there's this expectation of stuff, and
it's like, frankly, I would so much rather ifsomebody is inviting me to their house, right?
They've got kids.
I know they've made a meal.
Frankly, I don't even care what they'resaying.
I'm just grateful for the invite that I didn'thave to cook.
I hope they didn't go to the bother ofcleaning for me.
(17:57):
I hope instead they were like, maybe they tooka nap that day and got some rest because it's
a stressful day.
And I think that if we remove that stress,
which I know I'm already feeling, a lot of usalso host family staying in our homes, coming
from out of state, that can be stressful, too.
I think that if we just tried to be like, you
(18:18):
know what it is.
What it is.
I am so excited to share this with you, andthis is what I have right now.
I really hope you're enjoying it, but notexpect people to want any more from us than we
are capable of giving.
Yeah.
Speaker A (18:35):
And everyone's got know talents and different things that know can.
You know, if cooking is not your know, thenyou order in, but maybe you can make, like, a
really cool tablescape.
I am not good at that.
I love, like, I love cooking.
It is totally my thing.
We are actually going to Massachusetts withall my family, and everyone keeps asking if
(18:59):
they can cook.
And I'm like, no, let me do it.
But if you were to ask me to arrange it whereit looks nice or it looks pretty, I couldn't
do that.
Speaker B (19:11):
Want to know a funny story? Like cooking makes?
I wish I loved it.
I get very stressed about it.
But you know what?I'm really good at dishes.
I always volunteer.
Oh, yeah.
Always do the dishes rather than cook.
I much prefer doing the dishes and ironically,
or maybe not everywhere I go.
And I say that people are like, Witt, are you
serious?Really?
(19:32):
Because most people I know would rather cookand I would rather just not afterwards.
So whatever your skill set is and however youwant to help is going to be helpful.
Maybe you don't cook work, but you certainlydon't mind coloring pictures with the kiddos.
Awesome.
You want to kind of chill with them.
And I've done that at family gatherings, too,where I just walk in and all of a sudden I'm
(19:57):
like, and this is before my daughter, but Iwas a preschool teacher at the time, my jam,
and I just became the default babysitter.
And it was amazing.
The parents got to have a break all eveningbecause I was.
Kids.
Speaker A (20:12):
Got something to contribute.
Speaker B (20:13):
Exactly.
And frankly, it doesn't even have to look like
bringing aside.
Just show up, be yourself, and whatever you're
good at, give that.
And if people can't be grateful for that, then
why are they there?
Speaker A (20:29):
I think another thing that everyone gets too caught up on is feeling like they
have to be with everyone in their entirefamily.
Speaker B (20:37):
Yes.
Speaker A (20:39):
It's okay to just say, you know what?
We're just going to do the immediate family,which we learned this sort of the hard way
because my husband was in the Marine Corps.
And so the first year that we were at Camp
LeJune, we went back to Florida for eachholiday.
So, like, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, tovisit all of our family members and stuff.
(21:00):
And it was such a, like, it was so muchstress.
It wasn't even, because it was like anyone wasbehaving badly, necessarily, but having to
see, oh, my gosh, we've got to do twoThanksgivings in one day now because everyone
wants to see us.
We've got to do two Christmases and two
Easters.
And everything was just so frenzied and
(21:22):
stressed after that one year.
I think it was after Easter that I was like,
we're not doing this anymore.
I'm like, if they want to see us, they can
come here.
And we kept with that, especially once we had
kids, because I was like, you know what?I want my kids eating a Thanksgiving meal that
I cook.
I want them opening Christmas presents under
archery.
Exactly.
I am not going to run around to a millionpeople's different houses to make everyone
(21:46):
else happy.
If you want to see us, then you can come here.
Even when we lived in the same place, I waslike, I'm not doing that stress.
So we started instead.
We would meet my parents the Saturday before
Christmas as an example.
So that way we didn't have to be bouncing all
over the place or have 50 people in our house.
(22:07):
It's okay if you say I just want it to be us.
Nothing wrong with that.
Speaker B (22:12):
Exactly.
I think it's so important to communicate your
expectations and your needs.
Obviously do that sooner rather than later.
Don't wait till the day before Thanksgiving tobe like, oh, by the way, if this is something
is going to be important to you, definitelycommunicate that.
And hopefully family friends will be able torespect that.
(22:32):
But I completely agree.
I think it is so important that you, as your
family, you decide, okay, this is what we'regoing to do.
This is what we are capable of doing.
This is how we're going to do things.
I know that's something my husband and I havereally tried to talk about because we do do
that, like the two Thanksgivings and the twoChristmases, but we stagger it so it's not
(22:55):
same day.
My mother in law always does Thanksgiving.
The Saturday after.
Exactly.
So we kind of just created this schedule, thefamily.
It just kind of happened over the yearsbecause as all the cousins grew up and got
married and started having kids, it's like,well, you're probably going to be having
Thanksgiving Day itself, alternating betweenyour parents or your spouse's parents, as it
(23:21):
should be.
But if Auntie Brenda, my mother in law, she
likes to host as well, we'll just do that theFriday or Saturday after.
It's worked like a charm.
A little trickier now that I am working in
some retail related businesses.
And that's small business Saturday.
But I made sure.
But that's where I set a boundary.
It's small business Saturday.
It's a small business where I work.
(23:42):
Small businesses are my whole pageantplatform, supporting them, creating free
advertising for them.
I was like, listen, this is second
Thanksgiving.
I have a hard stop at three.
I work, I work as early as you need me to, butno later.
Speaker A (23:55):
Than 03:00.
Speaker B (23:59):
You have to communicate things insofar as you can to your employers too, to
prioritize that.
But no, when you set those boundaries, I do
think it's important.
And my parents were always really incredible
with this growing up, guarding that nuclearfamily time, especially if extended family
(24:21):
relations prove to be very stressful, thereare a few extended family members that.
That became the case over the years, and itwas very freeing to just be like, okay, then
we're done, and we can be done.
We are allowed to be done.
(24:42):
We are allowed to walk away from this and dosomething else.
It was so freeing.
And I'm hopeful that it is something that my
daughter will eventually be like, oh, like yousaid, no is a complete sentence.
Speaker A (25:00):
Yeah. That's something that I think is really great that we're modeling for our
children, like, this generation.
It's so much, I think, healthier because you
won't have to suffer through some kind of, oh,well, uncle so and so is my brother, so we
(25:22):
have to go see him, even though we can't standeach other, and it's this huge fight every.
No, you don't.
You don't have to do that.
That's not healthy.
It's toxic.
Either work out your **** or stop doing it.
Speaker B (25:38):
That's exactly.
I completely agree.
And in my case, this particular family memberhad made comments that were so damaging that I
made a decision to be, like, not around mydaughter.
No way.
I do not want my daughter to hear these kinds
of things and associate that with truth whenit's not, and then to have that color her
(26:02):
perspective on the world, on faith, on ourfaith as a family.
I don't want her to hear things misrepresentedand being touted as true when in reality,
words hurt people, and people who use them tohurt people need to sit down and not at your
table.
(26:23):
Yeah.
Speaker A (26:23):
And it's so funny that you say that, too, because it's like, again, we grew
up with, oh, sticks and stones can break mybones, but words can never hurt me.
Yes, they can.
Speaker B (26:32):
Words.
Speaker A (26:33):
They do hurt you.
Words can hurt something that should be
minimized.
Speaker B (26:38):
Absolutely not.
Words.
I've received a few scrapes and cuts andbruises in my life.
Guess what?They've been gone for decades.
Words, things that were said to me decadesago, are the root of my issues as an adult.
And you're right.
We grew up in a very different culture where
(27:01):
we were just kind of expected to put thistough outer shell on.
And there's something to be said for beingstrong.
Absolutely.
You want to raise strong, empowered children.
1 million%.
But I also think that it is so important that
we have gotten to a place where we are raisingchildren.
To be able to say no, to be able to say thismakes me uncomfortable to be able to say, this
(27:23):
is wrong and to be like, I'm done.
I'm not having this, because we were not
allowed those types of words growing upbecause we were children.
Speaker A (27:39):
Do you ever feel, like, the pressure now?
I feel like this is something that's morestressful than it was when we were growing up.
Weirdly, is the pressure to have traditionsfor your family?
Maybe it's because we were kids and we didn'tnotice, but I feel like that's a big thing
now.
It's like, this is what we do for Christmas
and what we do for Thanksgiving and blah,blah, blah.
Speaker B (28:01):
Yeah, I definitely feel that, too.
I think my parents are pretty traditional
growing up, but because of that, that was agood thing for my sister and I. We loved the
traditions we created.
Frankly, I know my struggle anyway.
It's the fact that I'm not doing everythingthe same way as my parents.
(28:24):
I feel like finding the freedom to be like,it's okay that this doesn't all look the same
for as amazing as it looked for my sister andI growing up, and as much as I'm trying to
emulate that when and where I can, I alsothink that the challenge is finding the
freedom to be like, but it's okay if I don't.
It's okay if it does look different for my
(28:46):
family.
It's okay if our traditions do look different
than the traditions my parents had for us.
Do you think that there's.
Especially when it is done so well and myparents really did it so well, that's when the
mom guilt kicks in, because they're like, oh,my mom did it better.
Oh, my cookies aren't from scratch.
Not every ornament is handmade.
(29:08):
You know what I mean?
Speaker A (29:09):
Yeah. Or even.
I mean, just the idea that this is what we
have to do.
I don't remember how old I was when my parents
got a croquet set, but I think I was around ateenager, and so that became our thing.
We did.
And I'm not saying this is bad.
We had a lot of fun, but I continued kind ofdoing that as an adult myself, and it got to
(29:33):
be almost.
It wasn't as enjoyable because it's like, oh,
my gosh, we've got to get everyone outside,and we have to do this because this is our
thing that we do.
And it was like, you can just let it go.
You don't have to do that.
It's not a big deal.
Last year, we did not play croquet, and theworld did not come to an end.
Speaker B (29:53):
Exactly. Yeah, I completely agree with that.
We definitely had some traditions that I wouldlove to continue and I plan on bringing back.
I also think that we have to reckon with thefact, as millennial parents, that most of us
are.
I would say at this point, probably we are the
(30:15):
generation who, as we were coming of age, ourcountry was hit by a terrorist attack.
And then as we continued growing up, there wasa global recession.
And, oh, don't forget the global pandemic.
And not to poor us or anything, but we are
dealing.
And, oh, let's just mention the economy right
(30:36):
now.
Speaker A (30:36):
No, I would say poor us.
Speaker B (30:38):
Right? Well, and I had that conversation with my
parents at some point.
I think it was surrounding buying a new family
vehicle or something like that, where it'slike, oh, well, you need one.
You guys can just.
I'm like, this is not raising kids in the 90s.
This is not that economy.
Our story is not that story.
(31:00):
Everything is harder now, and that's okay.
And by the grace of God, we're making it work.
But I think we also do have to give ourselvesa lot of grace with that as parents, as
everything we're trying to do and that weblame ourselves for not doing if we don't get
it as perfectly as maybe our parents got it.
We're dealing with a lot of stuff here.
(31:22):
We are, I feel like, in a sense, trying tosurvive as parents in ways that the past
couple of generations perhaps did not have tojust try to survive.
I'm not saying that we have it worse thanother previous generations, but I am saying my
(31:42):
husband and I are going through strangerthings again right now, and it's good stuff,
right?I was laughing as, like, we're big stranger
things fans.
We love stranger things.
There's this whole scene where it's all theparents in the living room.
They're like, when was the last time you sawthe kids?
I don't know.
When did you see the kids?
Are the street lights on?I don't know.
When did they call?Did they call?
4 hours, 2 hours, 3 hours?And I'm like, what?
(32:04):
Like, how could you just let your kids go outand play and be like, be back when the street
lights are like, what?No, we are helicopter moms because we don't
have a choice half the time.
Speaker A (32:21):
It's funny because that's how I grew up.
Definitely how I grew up.
Like, get outside.
You're either outside, or if you're inside,you better be either reading or doing your
homework.
You're not watching TV, right, exactly.
And you know what?I would probably do the same thing today.
It's not that I'm worried about crime.
I'm worried about some Karen down the street
being like, her kids are outside.
Speaker B (32:44):
No, I completely get it, because that's just it, too.
The fears and the threats, they come fromevery angle.
On the one hand, if you're trying to let yourkids have a little more freedom, like you
said, then the Karens are going to come out.
And then what?
CPS gets called on you or something?And then on the flip side, if you are being a
little bit stricter with stuff, it's becauseyou're terrified of, I don't know, reading the
(33:07):
news that very.
It's a very weird time.
And I have a very friendly child.
A very friendly child.
I joke that we took her to the Crayola factoryand she tried to leave with three other
families, but I'm only half joking.
And this was what did it for me.
I knew this person.
(33:27):
She had never met this person.
We were standing at a stoplight.
Like I said, I'm in West Redding all the time
for work, so I'm very familiar with all thebusinesses, the owners of the businesses.
So an older gentleman who, his family owns alot of businesses, he walks out.
I said hi to him because I knew who he was.
My daughter, who was standing right next to me
(33:48):
without missing a beat, slips her hand in his.
He's a complete stranger to her and goes to
cross the street with him.
Oh, my God.
I made eye contact with him, and we both justwent, she has no stranger danger.
And that's why I don't mess around.
I don't mess around with any of that.
(34:08):
And I'm also very blessed, and I acknowledgemy privilege that I work at the school where
she attends kindergarten in.
I'm always around, poor kid.
Actually, she probably needs freedom from mom,but it's just a strange time to be trying to
raise kids and keeping them safe while givingthem the freedom to grow and challenge
(34:34):
themselves that they do need to have.
Speaker A (34:39):
Yeah. And I think that also makes kind of.
How do I say this in a good way?It makes things like Thanksgiving, I think,
harder.
And that's not always a bad thing.
A lot of the narrative that surroundsThanksgiving, I understand it's not
(35:03):
historically accurate.
There's a lot of bad things that get glossed
over, but that also makes it kind of thisminefield.
When your kids come up and they're like, oh,well, our teachers look at the little pilgrim
and Indian we made, and it's like, now you'rehaving to walk this minefield of how do I
(35:27):
handle this in a way that's not going totraumatize my child, but it's also not going
to erase the stuff from the past.
It's like, now, how is this deal with this
now?
Speaker B (35:40):
That's exactly right.
And I think that when we were growing up,
nobody talked about that kind of stuff.
Speaker A (35:46):
Oh, my gosh.
No, never.
No.
Speaker B (35:48):
And I think it is so good and it is so healthy that things are being acknowledged
now that should have been acknowledged a longtime ago.
And I grateful for the fact that my daughter,your children, they're going to know these
things.
But like you said, you have to be tactful, you
have to be gentle.
(36:08):
You have to handle the conversation with as
much grace as you can, because you also haveto take it to account that I'm trying to also
put this delicately.
I think with older generations, family
members, they don't understand why ourgeneration is now trying to gently be like,
okay, let's tell the whole truth and nothingbut the truth here.
(36:32):
And they're like, well, that's not how we didthings.
Speaker A (36:36):
Well, I don't even necessarily blame them for that.
It's hard for me to remember these kinds ofthings.
Like when you see some 72 year old Boomerwho's like going on about his boomerness, but
at the same time, this is like, I'm trying tobe charitable.
(36:57):
I can only imagine how it would feel being inmy seventy?
S and essentially your whole life, everythingyou've been taught, like your elementary
school and high school and then in college,this is what you were raised to believe.
And your whole life in the media, this is whatyou were taught to believe.
And then all Of a sudden it's just kind ofyanked out from underneath you.
(37:18):
Exactly.
That can't be easy to reckon with.
Speaker B (37:23):
No. Oh, my gosh.
And I think we were, as some of the first kids
to be raised to ask the hard questions.
We were one of the first generations where
blind obedience children should be seen andnot heard.
That old mindset, that didn't apply to us.
(37:44):
Our parents encouraged questions.
They encouraged, they encouraged transparency.
And what a blessing for us.
Right?But that's not how these older generations
grew up at all.
At all.
And I think that there needs to be so muchsensitivity around.
(38:08):
And this leads right back to Thanksgiving.
What's the most stressful part of the meal?
Politics and religion at the table.
And I try to make it very clear that in my
home, everyone is welcome.
We're a Christian family.
I try to think about it, how Jesus leteverybody at his table.
(38:31):
Nobody was kicked to the curb there.
And I get frustrated when people try to bring
up divisive things on purpose.
And I have watched that happen, and especially
as certain election years loom on the horizon.
And I say loom because every time I'm like,
oh, no. And I said to my husband, that's nextyear again already.
(38:55):
And if I have to get it printed on a welcomemat, a literal welcome Mat to put at the door,
please wipe your feet and leave your politicshere.
I will buy that mat because I don't wantanybody to ever feel uncomfortable in my home.
I don't want anybody to ever feel anythingless than loved and respected and cherished.
And I am so over the nastiness that is justnot lying.
Speaker A (39:20):
Do you have a way, like, if someone brings up politics, like, it's Thanksgiving
and everyone said, how do you get it to goaway?
Do you have, like, a tactful response?
Speaker B (39:29):
Honestly, I would do my best to just be like, you know what?
Not here, not today.
I respect you.
I respect your beliefs.
My whole thing is I may not agree with you.
I may even think you're wrong, but I respectthe journey that got you to that belief.
I want to hear about that because I respectyou.
Right?I might still think you're wrong.
(39:50):
Very wrong.
That's okay.
I still want to know why you got there.
Because one thing I've learned as an adult is
that everybody has the belief that they haveright or wrong because of something that
happened to them along the way.
Sometimes it's something simple, sometimes
it's trauma.
And I don't want to ever make somebody feel
less than because I don't know their story.
(40:12):
And so if somebody were to bring something
very divisive like that up and it's happened,if it's at somebody else's house, I walk away.
I try to defend the underdog.
Sometimes.
Once in a while, I'll try to slip something inthere that is respectful and kind, but it is
not my home.
And that is up to the people whose house it
(40:33):
is.
Like, I don't want to step on any toes or
myself, be disrespectful.
If it's in my home, I'm going to be like, not
here.
This is not what this day is about.
This is not what I want my child to see.
Speaker A (40:46):
I think that's a good point where you said, walk away.
Like, if you're in someone else's house,you're allowed to do that I think that that's
another thing that is hard.
Like, hey, you're allowed to.
It's not rude.
You can politely excuse yourself and be like,
hey, I'm going to just go take a minute formyself.
You guys do what you're going to do.
I'll be back in five minutes.
(41:06):
I just need to.
That's okay.
Speaker B (41:10):
I think also there is a lot of power in saying this is making me
uncomfortable and just obviously don't stormoff in a huff like a toddler.
Don't have that kind of a reaction.
But you are fully entitled to be like, this
conversation is making me uncomfortablebecause I love all of you, I respect all of
you.
(41:30):
And this is not sounding respectful to me and
I don't want to engage and say something I'mgoing to regret.
So I'm going to peace for a little bit.
I'm going to go grab a glass of wine and watch
a Christmas movie.
It's okay to step away.
It's okay to walk away.
But like I said, I do think it does depend.
Are you hosting?Is this going down at your table?
(41:51):
Or is this because you never know.
SOme other people, they love these kinds of
discussions and if that's how they want to dotheir Thanksgiving, then wonderful.
But you might find me on the couch watchingHallmark.
Speaker A (42:03):
Yes. There's plenty of people that can have these discussions and it not be
definitely angry thing.
So that's you.
The more power to you go for it.
But if it is stressful for you, I think that
knowing that it's okay to walk away and take abreak.
Speaker B (42:24):
I think give yourself the power to do that and keep in mind how little the folks
are who are listening because that issomething that just drives me absolutely
bananas, as my best friend Lindsay says, isthe amount, and I see it all the time online,
the amount of keyboard warriors.
I just had to deal with one a week ago.
(42:44):
The amount of keyboard warriors and I do notengage online because I know how futile it is.
But the amount of nastiness I see, I'm justlike, wow.
And you procreated.
Not to sound mean, but I'm like, this is what
your child is seeing, you say.
And I'll bet dollars to donuts, if you get a
call from your kid's school that they werebullying somebody, you'd be like, oh, my gosh,
(43:06):
how did that happen?My child's not a bully.
Well, have you looked at what you're writinglately?
And if something is offensive to you, that isokay.
You got a couple of awesome options.
Here.
Well, shoot somebody a private message or givethem a call.
Don't spew something on their own page.
You never know who they are or what they're
(43:28):
dealing with or what they meant by something.
This is literally what I had to deal with last
week or the like, unlike unfollow, unfrettenedbutton is at your disposal.
If all this is online, if it's in person, youare free to walk.
Nobody is making you stay in a relationshipwith this person.
(43:50):
Right?And it's like, I think that especially.
Speaker A (43:54):
If you're afraid of maybe confrontation or something, and that's what's,
I'm going to just sit here and I'm going to bequiet and it's stressing me out, but I'm not
going to say anything because if I get up andwalk away, then people are going to fight.
You know what?You don't have to engage in that.
Speaker B (44:06):
No.
Speaker A (44:09):
You can leave.
Speaker B (44:12):
And if somebody is going to mock you for that, they're not invited next year.
Speaker A (44:19):
If someone is going to mock you for that, then that would say to me, that's
someone who does not respect you enough, justin general, and they shouldn't be in your
life.
Speaker B (44:27):
But I completely agree with you.
If somebody is not going to respect your
boundaries, you don't need them.
The end.
And I get very frustrated because I will saygrowing up, and I think it was in reference to
this one family member who I have completelydistanced myself from, I could be wrong.
(44:48):
I feel like I remember this quote being thrownaround because of this person.
You know, the old quote, blood is thicker thanwater.
Well, just this year I actually found out, andplease, this is not the million percent
accurate believe.
I don't think it was Shakespeare, but it was
somebody like Shakespeare.
The quote is older than I thought.
(45:10):
This year I found out that that quote hasactually been taken out of context.
Blood is thicker than water is part of it.
The real quote is the blood of the battlefield
is thicker than the water of the womb.
What that means is those who bleed with you,
those who are willing to die with you, thosewho engage in your battles by your side,
(45:33):
that's your family.
And that was life changing to me.
I was just like, this quote that was leveledat me has been misquoted my whole life and it
actually means the opposite.
That was so great.
I know I have been found family for some.
(45:55):
I have found family of my own.
And these are people who I cherish.
I don't get to talk to as much as I want, but
they are my family, in some cases.
One in particular I'm thinking of, who doesn't
have much family of their own left.
(46:16):
And what an honor to be chosen to fight with
this person, to stand up for this person.
I don't believe everything this person
necessarily believes, but that doesn't evenmatter.
Still going to be there.
Still going to show up on that battlefield
every freaking day.
So I just thought maybe people would find that
interesting.
(46:36):
If that's a quote that was leveled at you your
whole life, I could try to find the quote andsend it to you after we hang up here.
So you can include that if you want.
But that changed my life this year.
And it was just such a confirmation of thefact that we're all children of God.
Ergo, we can all be family if our paths aremeant to cross.
Speaker A (46:59):
Yeah. And I think ultimately, people just need to remember that a holiday
like Thanksgiving, it's not meant to bestressful.
I get it's in the name, Thanksgiving.
It's meant to be gratitude.
Like, you're supposed to be grateful.
So, I mean, you don't have to make it into
this big, I've got to have 500 family membersand the best Thanksgiving dinner and a million
(47:24):
traditions.
Like, hey, be grateful for what you have and
don't overwhelm yourself with expectationsthat no one's going to be able to meet.
Speaker B (47:34):
Definitely not.
And I think whether your Thanksgiving looks
like the traditional spread and 50 people andjust a sparkling clean house, good on you.
That's amazing.
Maybe instead, this year, you're ordering
pizzas and your tree is already up.
I salute you, too.
However it is you've got to do it.
(47:55):
Protect your family's mental health.
Protect your mental health.
And just remember that.
I think a lot of us stress ourselves out whenreally, people aren't actually expecting as
much from us as we think.
Speaker A (48:10):
No, I think that's a good point, too, is that our expectations are always
higher than other people's are of us.
Speaker B (48:18):
And can I just say how much I think social media, I understand we all have to use
it for work now.
I get it, but it sucks.
And my catchphrase is always, don't compareyour behind the scenes footage to somebody.
Speaker A (48:31):
Else'S highlight reel, because I will say that my mom.
So I am an elder millennial, but my mom had mevery young, so she is a gen xer.
Yeah.
So she does not have social media, like, at
all, anywhere of any kind.
And I'm always like, kind of.
I'm like, you should get on Facebook.
She's like, no, that's.
Speaker B (48:52):
My parents love that for them because it's such a headache and it's
challenging in my line of work, most of them,I literally can't not have social media,
pageantry, modeling especially.
It's not an option.
I tried, I delete did my social media a coupleof years back for almost, I think it was
(49:13):
almost a year, and it just got to the pointwhere it was so hard with work because I'd be
on set for something.
Oh, can I tag you?
Can I share this?Build an ad one.
I'm like, well, I don't have it.
And then I'm losing out on other gigs and
stuff.
And it got to the point where it was not
feasible.
And what a shame that we are so wrapped up in.
(49:33):
I mean, technology can be great andeverything, but there are so many ways that it
is harmed.
Speaker A (49:39):
Well, and I think that that's another thing that you have to be purposeful
about when you.
I love having social media because I have a
son with down syndrome, so I have all thesedown syndrome families that I'm close know,
but they're all over the country as anexample.
So it's like we're able to be in each other'slives, even though we're in Chicago and
Minnesota.
And, um.
(50:02):
But you have to be intentional, where ifsomeone is stressing you out and it's not even
any fault of their own, maybe someone is just,like I said, really good at the tablescapes
and making their cakes look really pretty,even though mine, they may taste really good,
but they look really bad.
(50:23):
That's making you feel insecure.
It's okay if you want to unfollow it doesn'tmean you dislike that person.
You can give yourself the grace to do that.
Speaker B (50:33):
It's okay.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly right.
There was something my mom always told me
growing up, and the older I get, the more trueit is.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And I feel like the holidays, whether it's
you're looking at somebody's gorgeous table orsuper clean house or picture perfect family
(50:56):
where the kids actually smiled for the holidaycard, you know what I mean?
Or it's like it's a roughly noon, December 25,and somebody got Alexis with a bow on it in
their driveway.
You know what I mean?
There's so much this time of year that canlead to discontent and resentment and stress.
(51:17):
Screw it.
It's not what we're supposed to be focused on
right now.
And what if.
Just hear me out on this.
What if we had a holiday season, could be
Thanksgiving, could be Christmas, could bewhatever.
Where there was no set menu, there was nodress code, there was no anything other than,
hey, show up.
(51:37):
Bring something if you want.
We'll have some stuff here.
Not even sure what we'll have.
Bowl of food.
There will be things to eat and we just want
you to come.
We're going to sit around the fire and we're
going to share what we're thankful for.
We might pop a movie on, but zero
expectations.
No gifts exchanged, no set anything.
Speaker A (51:57):
This is not an Instagram Thanksgiving.
This is a real person Thanksgiving.
Speaker B (52:01):
This is a real person Thanksgiving.
This is a we'll eat.
But there's no stipulations on what we eat.
We just want you here.
We just want to be present with you and not,like, hovering around the kitchen all
afternoon because we have to make this perfectdish, and then we can't enjoy spending time
with our family for years.
My ideal Thanksgiving involves some sort of
(52:21):
sandwich and the Lord of the Rings Extendededition Marathon.
No football, just Lord of the Rings all daylong.
Can imagine how popular I am with my family.
Speaker A (52:30):
My husband would love that.
He loves all the Lord of the Rings movies, and
he's been trying to get our kids to get.
Speaker B (52:37):
In high school, I knew how to sing in Elvish, and I walked down the aisle to the
piece of music called concerning hobits fromthe Fellowship of the Ring.
Speaker A (52:46):
That is amazing.
Speaker B (52:48):
I heard that song as a kid.
I'm like, I'm going to walk down the aisle to
this someday.
And I did.
So, yeah, big, big Lord of the Rings fanshere.
I kind of wanted to name my daughterGaladriel, and I got overruled.
Fortunately for her, I suppose.
Speaker A (53:06):
Okay, so to wrap, let's.
Is there one more thing?
What would be, like, the one ultimate tip youwould give people for Thanksgiving this year?
Speaker B (53:17):
I think my ultimate tip would be, what makes you the most thankful?
Your kids, your spouse, your parents.
Maybe it is a great meal.
That's great.
Maybe it is a clean house.
Maybe it is doing none of the above andinstead spending the day at a soup kitchen.
(53:38):
What would fill your heart with so muchthankfulness?
You'd be like, this was a good day, and youmight not be able to answer that right away.
I know I couldn't.
I'd have to sit with that for a bit.
Sit with it.
You've got almost a week.
And then do that.
Even if that upends.
Speaker A (53:59):
I don't think I've ever heard someone describe that kind of how to plan your
Thanksgiving.
You said it now, and it's, like, super obvious
what makes you most thankful.
Stop and think about that.
And that needs to be your focus.
I don't think even though it's called
Thanksgiving, most people do that.
Speaker B (54:16):
No, definitely not.
It has become a day of societal norms and
expectations, which for some people, that doesmake them thankful.
And I love.
My husband is one of those people.
He is one of those people.
I mean, the tree does not go up until the day
after Thanksgiving.
I've gotten a little wiggle room now where the
tree will be removed from the basement themorning of and then put up after the meal.
(54:37):
But ten years of marriage, you got to have alittle bit of compromise here and there.
And I'm preaching to myself here, too.
I want to sit with that and be like, okay, I
can tell you one thing that I will neverforget was my husband.
And I think it was very early on into ourmarriage.
(54:59):
We woke up really early.
Of course, this was pre kiddo, but we woke up
really early on Thanksgiving Day, and we wentout and we got a bunch of donuts, and we went
to our local police station and we brought allthese donuts.
I want to bring that back.
That is where I feel thankful is when I'm
looking at people who they're working thatday.
This is just me personally, and I'm like, letme take care of you.
(55:22):
This is not a turkey a meal I cook because youprobably wouldn't want to eat it.
But I'm going out, and that's how I want tospend my day.
I would love to spend my Thanksgivingpersonally.
Not at home around a table.
I'd love to be out running around giving toys
to kids who don't have families, bringingdonuts to people.
Now, my mom already has plans this year, andwe're going there, so I can't do that this
(55:46):
year.
But I would love to have something like that
someday.
So whatever it is, and like I said, maybe
you're more like my husband, where that supertraditional aspect that does fill you with
joy.
I love that for you, but maybe it doesn't.
Maybe it's actually like a thief of joy.
(56:06):
And if it is, you might have to sit with that
and be like, I don't know.
I don't know what that would take.
So rest there for a while until you do try tomake it about rest instead.
Rest for you and rest for your soul.
Speaker A (56:31):
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
Make sure to subscribe so you never miss out.
Leave us a review and share to help other moms
find us.
Thanks for stopping by the Fireflies and
Whoopee Pie podcast, the only podcast by SouthCentral PA Moms or South Central PA moms.
Until next time.
Hi and welcome to the South Central PA mom, Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast
where we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in South
Central, Pa.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while and settle
in for the show.
Speaker B (00:26):
Hi everyone.
Speaker A (00:27):
Welcome back.
This week we are with Emily, one of our
contributors.
Thanks for coming, Emily.
Speaker B (00:32):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker A (00:36):
So for those of us who are not familiar, Emily is one of our contributors,
but she also has a lot of really excitingstuff going on besides writing for us.
So why don't you tell us a little bit about.
Speaker B (00:49):
So I wear a lot of hats.
I'm a professional writer, which is a lot of
fun.
Obviously.
I love writing here.
I'm also the lead writer for a women's
business and lifestyle magazine called Gritand Goals.
We're pretty new.
We're just wrapping up our first year in
publication, so that's been a greatexperience.
I also am a freelance journalist and I wrote apsychological thriller that I'm currently
(01:12):
shopping around.
Publishers big goal for 2024.
I'm a part time school librarian.
I am a model as well.
I mostly model wedding dresses and boots,actually.
So it's got one end of the spectrum to theother.
I'm a mom.
I have an almost six year old daughter named
Brielle who is my absolute best friend.
(01:35):
And I also can't forget I currently hold the
title of Mrs. Ireland Continental Worldwide.
I was Mrs. Pennsylvania in that system last
year, and I placed top five to theinternational title in my system in August in
Salt Lake City, Utah, and walked away Mrs.
Ireland.
So this is my first time with a national titleand it's been really.
(01:56):
Oh, and I'm a professional.
I can't use the actual Disney affiliated name,
but I'm a professional princess and I've beenthe Ice Queen for nearly a decade now.
I typically do it as a way to give back to thecommunity.
I very rarely accept money for gigs.
I believe every child should be able to have a
princess at their parties or come to theirschool.
(02:19):
Back before COVID I visited some hospitals.
Today I was in a parade and I got to be the
Ice Queen.
Really being careful with my verbiage here.
And I'm doing another gig Monday at a schoolwhere I used to teach.
So it's been a real blessing.
Ironically, my own daughter is completely
unimpressed with all of.
Speaker A (02:42):
It'S like, it's like normal.
My mom's like a rock star.
So what?
Speaker B (02:46):
She'll see me walk down.
She's like, yells again.
Today I mean, Ice queen.
Oh, man.
She's like, don't come for me, Disney.
I'm just trying to give back.
That's your whole.
I stay pretty busy, and I try very hard to
keep a clean house on top of that.
I can't promise that happens, but I'm trying.
Speaker A (03:09):
So you definitely have a lot going on.
Does that make it hard, like, getting readyfor the holidays?
Speaker B (03:15):
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. So hard.
I'm very backed up in my queue right now ofarticles that I am trying to get out the door
before Thanksgiving.
I also work as a spokesmodel for a local
business, and if there's nobody to cover theirstore, I go in and I man the store.
I host all of their events, and I'm also rampcertified, which means I can legally serve
(03:39):
alcohol in the state of Pennsylvania because Iused to work at a winery, so I host events for
them.
I.
Speaker A (03:51):
Do you, do you have, like, a system for when you're getting ready, when you're
juggling all this prayer, wine, coffee?
Speaker B (04:00):
I mean, I've got, like, a little tag team situation going on.
No, I just kind of try to give myself Grace,and I try to remind myself that perfection is
an illusion.
And as long as we're showing up and doing our
best, that is what our kids will remember.
And they remember failures.
(04:22):
They're going to watch that and be like, okay,but how did they pick themselves up
afterwards?Or did they.
And they're going to remember that process.
So whenever I have something going on, I try
to remember that my daughter is watching andit's okay if I don't nail it.
Speaker A (04:37):
Yeah. And they're not going to have anything to compare it to either.
I think that for us as parents, we'recomparing it to our memories, but this is
their life.
They don't have, oh, well, this is what
Mommy's Thanksgiving was like to compare itto.
This is what they know.
Speaker B (04:55):
That's exactly right.
And I think that the holidays can absolutely
exacerbate that level of stress, because someof us, I'm sure a lot of moms on the
collective work in some type of retail relatedjob where if you're teaching or working many
types of jobs, you have this big chunk of abreak where you can reset and try to rest.
(05:20):
But if you're a nurse, if you're in retail,there are all these other professions where
you don't get a break for the holidays.
You're lucky if you can even share a meal
together.
Speaker A (05:30):
Oh, yeah.
And I'm glad to see at least in the retail
sphere, it kind of moving away from that I'venoticed this year.
But I mean, the past, what, five years?It's like target, Walmart, everything.
Speaker B (05:41):
Like, they were open on Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day.
And it's a shame that this time as a family isnot as prioritized in American culture.
My caveat to that is I do firmly andofficially want to say that I respect people
who may have tense family situations where,like, yeah, I'll work.
(06:04):
I would have been that person 15 years ago.
I have an amazing.
This is kind of what I wanted to touch ontoday is the importance of found family over
the holidays.
If that is your story, that you struggle with
some of the, shall we say, branches on yourfamily tree.
I have amazing parents.
(06:26):
My sister is my soulmate.
I'm very blessed now with my husband, my inlaws.
We are incredibly blessed.
Growing up, I had some issues with extended
family.
That Thanksgiving in particular, is like a
trigger for me.
Thanksgiving to me was less about faith,
(06:46):
family, food, fun, more about misogyny and allmy things getting broken by cousins who were
out of control, first world problems, to besure, in some ways.
But in other ways, it was very.
And all it was was stress.
There was no joy, at least for me.
(07:06):
And so Thanksgiving for me has this super
negative connotation and association with it.
And I think that now, as an adult, I am
trying.
Like, I'm the girl who wants to put up my tree
November 1 and just skip it all.
And my husband was really pressing me on that
last weekend.
He's like, what would it take to redeem this
day for you?And I'm like, honestly, I need to get out of
(07:30):
my way because what we have already has.
I need to get away from that association.
But then it got me thinking about how manyother people I'm sure are out there who are
like, we love the idea of being thankful.
We are thankful for so much.
But something happened way back when thatmakes this day hard for us because of family.
So how can I speak to that and try to helppeople?
Speaker A (07:52):
You know what this makes me think of?
Oh, my gosh.
It's making me think of your article about
Matthew Perry.
Because, remember, on friends, Chandler hated
Thanksgiving.
Speaker B (08:04):
I'm the girl who hates Thanksgiving.
That's partly what I love, his characterthrough and through.
And I laughed when I first saw that.
I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's a thing.
I'm not the only person in this world.
Speaker A (08:17):
No, but you know what was like? I feel like obviously, when I was younger, I
didn't appreciate this because it was justlike, oh, Chandler wants mac and cheese with
hot dogs in it for Thanksgiving.
How silly is he?
But now as an adult, I can look at that andit's like, you know what?
He had trauma around Thanksgiving and hisfriends accepted that and they found a way to
(08:39):
make room where he could still be involved ina way that he felt comfortable.
Speaker B (08:43):
That's exactly right.
And I think just the idea of it is stressful
prepping if you are not naturally a domesticgoddess.
My mother was.
I am not.
My idea of really, like, a great Thanksgivingspread would be one that I purchased from my
local market.
(09:04):
I have very little trust in my own culinary
skills.
Speaker A (09:08):
Nothing wrong with that, though.
That's totally okay.
Speaker B (09:12):
Exactly. And I think that that, for me, is like.
As an adult, I am trying to learn how to freemyself from expectations surrounding a day.
And that is just something that I would wantto encourage other people to do.
And also to encourage people to respect yourown boundaries.
If there is someone in your family that didsomething that caused you discomfort or worse
(09:38):
just because you share a bloodline doesn'tmean they've earned a spot at your table.
And that's a lesson I have had to learn as anadult.
And that is something that I am vehementlytrying to protect for my own child and
demonstrate to that it's okay to say no. It'sokay to love from far that it's an okay thing.
(09:59):
But if somebody is really going to damage yourmental health they don't necessarily need to
come to the meal.
That was something.
There are a couple of family members.
I really had to put my foot down and be like,
with all due respect, not in my house.
Not after what happened.
Yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker A (10:17):
That's a valid thing.
It is one thing that I think you hear a lot
now that you didn't when we were growing uplike our generation is that no is a complete
sentence.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
If it's just like, hey, not this year.
You don't have to tell them why.
If you don't feel comfortable going on likesome kind of.
(10:39):
Because who knows?It might cause some huge argument or whatever
and you don't have the space to go there.
You don't have to.
You can just say no.
Speaker B (10:47):
You can just say no. And you can rest in that no. And I think it's also, along
with that, I think it's so important this timeof year.
Not just with Thanksgiving, especially withChristmas, with Hanukkah.
Coming up to look around and to see peoplewho, you know, they're not getting those
invites to go home for whatever reason.
(11:08):
And as long as they are safe people, you know,
why invite them in?Found family this time of year, it can be
important to those of us, obviously, who haveclose family circles already, but to those who
don't, we are everything for them.
And I think the idea of setting a place at the
(11:30):
table for someone who needs that place, wereally need.
That's something we all should be open tobecause we might have stress surrounding a day
or a holiday or a season, but so do a lot ofother people.
How can we work together to bless the maximumnumber of people this time of year?
Speaker A (11:50):
Yeah, and I think the found family thing is that's a really important thing to
remember, too.
And I think you see that a lot now of people
who do like friends giving.
Oh, yeah, I get, it's like a cute punny name.
But you know what?You don't even have to have a separate one.
If Thanksgiving is going to be better for youwith your group of friends, your found family,
(12:11):
then that's what you should do.
Speaker B (12:13):
Absolutely. And I also think that sometimes things like friends giving, for
example, if you've experienced a loss in yourfamily over the course of the last year,
something like a friends giving and breakingwith the traditions, the memories of which
will be bittersweet but cause a lot of painbecause the loss is so fresh, I think it's
(12:36):
important to switch things up to try to heal.
I think that can for a lot of people.
And I think it's also important to remember.
You know what?
So what if the turkey is not awesome or thestuffing is not homemade or what the heck?
Maybe you have pizza this year.
Whatever.
(12:56):
People are not going to care about thosethings or remember those things as much as
they're going to remember the time spent andthe pictures taken and the memories made and
all these little things that we stress aboutduring a holiday.
I couldn't tell you what we ate for Christmaslast year.
I don't remember.
I remember stressing about it a lot.
Speaker A (13:18):
Because those things, they don't ultimately matter if it makes you happy.
But as an example, there was a group offriends I was talking about Thanksgiving with,
and they were talking about how so many ofthem, I don't like Thanksgiving.
I dread it every year.
And it's a small thing, but it's still valid
because I hate the Thanksgiving food.
(13:40):
And I'm going, so make something else.
No one's giving police that are going to showup and be like, oh, you don't have a turkey.
Speaker B (13:50):
I completely agree.
I am not a fan of Thanksgiving food.
I just am not a fan of it, and I respecteverybody who is.
Yeah.
So for me, but I was thinking that I'm like,
okay, so maybe this year I'll bring a chickencaesar salad.
I don't like pie, so I'll bring the ice.
Like, and never know.
(14:10):
You can reinvent something or bring somethingdifferent that somebody else might love and be
like, oh, my gosh, I'm so glad this is here.
Speaker A (14:19):
I like to do for a lot of stuff like this is look into as an example, like,
say you hate the turkey and the stuffing,whatever.
Look into your heritage for some inspirationinstead of doing this turkey dish.
Like, I am Portuguese, so, for example, Icould look up like, okay, well, we're going to
(14:41):
make the seafood stew instead.
I'm not going to do that because I actually
do.
I like Thanksgiving food.
Speaker B (14:47):
But as an example, though, a couple of weeks ago, it was the November 1, the day
after Halloween at my school, Sacred Heart andWest Reading.
The eigth grade class does this huge Dia delos Muertos presentation where they all pick a
family member, close friend, someone who haspassed on, and then they beautiful tribute to
(15:10):
them.
I was in absolute tears.
It was incredible.
So one of my students this year, he made this
Dominican dish that his family member lovedcalled Mangu.
I'd never heard of it.
It was basically mashed plantains with salami
on top.
It sounded so bizarre, right?
It was the most delicious thing I've ever hadin my life.
(15:32):
I have a new favorite food.
Anything with plantains.
I want it all.
Like, literally, I keep bugging this student.
Now I'm like, did your mom make anymore?Can you bring school?
I'll pay you for it.
It's fine.
It's delicious.
It's so good.
And he was like, this is what we serve insteadof mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.
But just it's this different.
And I'm like, that's cool.
(15:53):
Can I have this recipe?Because I don't like mashed potatoes.
This is awesome.
And I'd love to bring something different.
And who knows?Maybe I'd be the only one who ate it.
I'd eat all of it, but that's okay.
And it was so cool to see this window in a way
that was honoring someone who has passed onand their culture and be like, hey, this is
(16:14):
how we do things.
I love the idea of bringing your heritage,
bringing your family's culture into somethingthat is this very westernized tradition, which
is great, which is awesome.
But if you want to tweak that a bit.
Well, why not?All of us come from these rich, amazing,
(16:34):
diverse backgrounds, and frankly, isn't thatkind of what Thanksgiving was supposed to be
all about, the merging of all those diversebackgrounds and cultures and lifestyles?
Why don't we bring that back?
Speaker A (16:48):
Yeah, I guess I just don't.
There's no need to stress about that.
I get there's, like, the cultural expectation.
But you know what?
No one's going to care.
Or I should say, if someone is going to care,
if someone's going to whine because they don'tget turkey and stuffing, then you're not being
(17:09):
very grateful.
And that kind of goes against the spirit of
Thanksgiving.
So you can just sit down, but.
Speaker B (17:15):
Then you know what? You can host.
That's my attitude.
Yeah, I agree.
I think that there is a very societal culturalexpectation.
Like, the turkey has to be yay big and thiscrisp and this brown, and the sides have to
look exactly like this.
And, oh, my gosh, is your gravy homemade?
(17:35):
Oh, I hope it is.
I think there's this expectation of stuff, and
it's like, frankly, I would so much rather ifsomebody is inviting me to their house, right?
They've got kids.
I know they've made a meal.
Frankly, I don't even care what they'resaying.
I'm just grateful for the invite that I didn'thave to cook.
I hope they didn't go to the bother ofcleaning for me.
(17:57):
I hope instead they were like, maybe they tooka nap that day and got some rest because it's
a stressful day.
And I think that if we remove that stress,
which I know I'm already feeling, a lot of usalso host family staying in our homes, coming
from out of state, that can be stressful, too.
I think that if we just tried to be like, you
(18:18):
know what it is.
What it is.
I am so excited to share this with you, andthis is what I have right now.
I really hope you're enjoying it, but notexpect people to want any more from us than we
are capable of giving.
Yeah.
Speaker A (18:35):
And everyone's got know talents and different things that know can.
You know, if cooking is not your know, thenyou order in, but maybe you can make, like, a
really cool tablescape.
I am not good at that.
I love, like, I love cooking.
It is totally my thing.
We are actually going to Massachusetts withall my family, and everyone keeps asking if
(18:59):
they can cook.
And I'm like, no, let me do it.
But if you were to ask me to arrange it whereit looks nice or it looks pretty, I couldn't
do that.
Speaker B (19:11):
Want to know a funny story? Like cooking makes?
I wish I loved it.
I get very stressed about it.
But you know what?I'm really good at dishes.
I always volunteer.
Oh, yeah.
Always do the dishes rather than cook.
I much prefer doing the dishes and ironically,
or maybe not everywhere I go.
And I say that people are like, Witt, are you
serious?Really?
(19:32):
Because most people I know would rather cookand I would rather just not afterwards.
So whatever your skill set is and however youwant to help is going to be helpful.
Maybe you don't cook work, but you certainlydon't mind coloring pictures with the kiddos.
Awesome.
You want to kind of chill with them.
And I've done that at family gatherings, too,where I just walk in and all of a sudden I'm
(19:57):
like, and this is before my daughter, but Iwas a preschool teacher at the time, my jam,
and I just became the default babysitter.
And it was amazing.
The parents got to have a break all eveningbecause I was.
Kids.
Speaker A (20:12):
Got something to contribute.
Speaker B (20:13):
Exactly.
And frankly, it doesn't even have to look like
bringing aside.
Just show up, be yourself, and whatever you're
good at, give that.
And if people can't be grateful for that, then
why are they there?
Speaker A (20:29):
I think another thing that everyone gets too caught up on is feeling like they
have to be with everyone in their entirefamily.
Speaker B (20:37):
Yes.
Speaker A (20:39):
It's okay to just say, you know what?
We're just going to do the immediate family,which we learned this sort of the hard way
because my husband was in the Marine Corps.
And so the first year that we were at Camp
LeJune, we went back to Florida for eachholiday.
So, like, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, tovisit all of our family members and stuff.
(21:00):
And it was such a, like, it was so muchstress.
It wasn't even, because it was like anyone wasbehaving badly, necessarily, but having to
see, oh, my gosh, we've got to do twoThanksgivings in one day now because everyone
wants to see us.
We've got to do two Christmases and two
Easters.
And everything was just so frenzied and
(21:22):
stressed after that one year.
I think it was after Easter that I was like,
we're not doing this anymore.
I'm like, if they want to see us, they can
come here.
And we kept with that, especially once we had
kids, because I was like, you know what?I want my kids eating a Thanksgiving meal that
I cook.
I want them opening Christmas presents under
archery.
Exactly.
I am not going to run around to a millionpeople's different houses to make everyone
(21:46):
else happy.
If you want to see us, then you can come here.
Even when we lived in the same place, I waslike, I'm not doing that stress.
So we started instead.
We would meet my parents the Saturday before
Christmas as an example.
So that way we didn't have to be bouncing all
over the place or have 50 people in our house.
(22:07):
It's okay if you say I just want it to be us.
Nothing wrong with that.
Speaker B (22:12):
Exactly.
I think it's so important to communicate your
expectations and your needs.
Obviously do that sooner rather than later.
Don't wait till the day before Thanksgiving tobe like, oh, by the way, if this is something
is going to be important to you, definitelycommunicate that.
And hopefully family friends will be able torespect that.
(22:32):
But I completely agree.
I think it is so important that you, as your
family, you decide, okay, this is what we'regoing to do.
This is what we are capable of doing.
This is how we're going to do things.
I know that's something my husband and I havereally tried to talk about because we do do
that, like the two Thanksgivings and the twoChristmases, but we stagger it so it's not
(22:55):
same day.
My mother in law always does Thanksgiving.
The Saturday after.
Exactly.
So we kind of just created this schedule, thefamily.
It just kind of happened over the yearsbecause as all the cousins grew up and got
married and started having kids, it's like,well, you're probably going to be having
Thanksgiving Day itself, alternating betweenyour parents or your spouse's parents, as it
(23:21):
should be.
But if Auntie Brenda, my mother in law, she
likes to host as well, we'll just do that theFriday or Saturday after.
It's worked like a charm.
A little trickier now that I am working in
some retail related businesses.
And that's small business Saturday.
But I made sure.
But that's where I set a boundary.
It's small business Saturday.
It's a small business where I work.
(23:42):
Small businesses are my whole pageantplatform, supporting them, creating free
advertising for them.
I was like, listen, this is second
Thanksgiving.
I have a hard stop at three.
I work, I work as early as you need me to, butno later.
Speaker A (23:55):
Than 03:00.
Speaker B (23:59):
You have to communicate things insofar as you can to your employers too, to
prioritize that.
But no, when you set those boundaries, I do
think it's important.
And my parents were always really incredible
with this growing up, guarding that nuclearfamily time, especially if extended family
(24:21):
relations prove to be very stressful, thereare a few extended family members that.
That became the case over the years, and itwas very freeing to just be like, okay, then
we're done, and we can be done.
We are allowed to be done.
(24:42):
We are allowed to walk away from this and dosomething else.
It was so freeing.
And I'm hopeful that it is something that my
daughter will eventually be like, oh, like yousaid, no is a complete sentence.
Speaker A (25:00):
Yeah. That's something that I think is really great that we're modeling for our
children, like, this generation.
It's so much, I think, healthier because you
won't have to suffer through some kind of, oh,well, uncle so and so is my brother, so we
(25:22):
have to go see him, even though we can't standeach other, and it's this huge fight every.
No, you don't.
You don't have to do that.
That's not healthy.
It's toxic.
Either work out your **** or stop doing it.
Speaker B (25:38):
That's exactly.
I completely agree.
And in my case, this particular family memberhad made comments that were so damaging that I
made a decision to be, like, not around mydaughter.
No way.
I do not want my daughter to hear these kinds
of things and associate that with truth whenit's not, and then to have that color her
(26:02):
perspective on the world, on faith, on ourfaith as a family.
I don't want her to hear things misrepresentedand being touted as true when in reality,
words hurt people, and people who use them tohurt people need to sit down and not at your
table.
(26:23):
Yeah.
Speaker A (26:23):
And it's so funny that you say that, too, because it's like, again, we grew
up with, oh, sticks and stones can break mybones, but words can never hurt me.
Yes, they can.
Speaker B (26:32):
Words.
Speaker A (26:33):
They do hurt you.
Words can hurt something that should be
minimized.
Speaker B (26:38):
Absolutely not.
Words.
I've received a few scrapes and cuts andbruises in my life.
Guess what?They've been gone for decades.
Words, things that were said to me decadesago, are the root of my issues as an adult.
And you're right.
We grew up in a very different culture where
(27:01):
we were just kind of expected to put thistough outer shell on.
And there's something to be said for beingstrong.
Absolutely.
You want to raise strong, empowered children.
1 million%.
But I also think that it is so important that
we have gotten to a place where we are raisingchildren.
To be able to say no, to be able to say thismakes me uncomfortable to be able to say, this
(27:23):
is wrong and to be like, I'm done.
I'm not having this, because we were not
allowed those types of words growing upbecause we were children.
Speaker A (27:39):
Do you ever feel, like, the pressure now?
I feel like this is something that's morestressful than it was when we were growing up.
Weirdly, is the pressure to have traditionsfor your family?
Maybe it's because we were kids and we didn'tnotice, but I feel like that's a big thing
now.
It's like, this is what we do for Christmas
and what we do for Thanksgiving and blah,blah, blah.
Speaker B (28:01):
Yeah, I definitely feel that, too.
I think my parents are pretty traditional
growing up, but because of that, that was agood thing for my sister and I. We loved the
traditions we created.
Frankly, I know my struggle anyway.
It's the fact that I'm not doing everythingthe same way as my parents.
(28:24):
I feel like finding the freedom to be like,it's okay that this doesn't all look the same
for as amazing as it looked for my sister andI growing up, and as much as I'm trying to
emulate that when and where I can, I alsothink that the challenge is finding the
freedom to be like, but it's okay if I don't.
It's okay if it does look different for my
(28:46):
family.
It's okay if our traditions do look different
than the traditions my parents had for us.
Do you think that there's.
Especially when it is done so well and myparents really did it so well, that's when the
mom guilt kicks in, because they're like, oh,my mom did it better.
Oh, my cookies aren't from scratch.
Not every ornament is handmade.
(29:08):
You know what I mean?
Speaker A (29:09):
Yeah. Or even.
I mean, just the idea that this is what we
have to do.
I don't remember how old I was when my parents
got a croquet set, but I think I was around ateenager, and so that became our thing.
We did.
And I'm not saying this is bad.
We had a lot of fun, but I continued kind ofdoing that as an adult myself, and it got to
(29:33):
be almost.
It wasn't as enjoyable because it's like, oh,
my gosh, we've got to get everyone outside,and we have to do this because this is our
thing that we do.
And it was like, you can just let it go.
You don't have to do that.
It's not a big deal.
Last year, we did not play croquet, and theworld did not come to an end.
Speaker B (29:53):
Exactly. Yeah, I completely agree with that.
We definitely had some traditions that I wouldlove to continue and I plan on bringing back.
I also think that we have to reckon with thefact, as millennial parents, that most of us
are.
I would say at this point, probably we are the
(30:15):
generation who, as we were coming of age, ourcountry was hit by a terrorist attack.
And then as we continued growing up, there wasa global recession.
And, oh, don't forget the global pandemic.
And not to poor us or anything, but we are
dealing.
And, oh, let's just mention the economy right
(30:36):
now.
Speaker A (30:36):
No, I would say poor us.
Speaker B (30:38):
Right? Well, and I had that conversation with my
parents at some point.
I think it was surrounding buying a new family
vehicle or something like that, where it'slike, oh, well, you need one.
You guys can just.
I'm like, this is not raising kids in the 90s.
This is not that economy.
Our story is not that story.
(31:00):
Everything is harder now, and that's okay.
And by the grace of God, we're making it work.
But I think we also do have to give ourselvesa lot of grace with that as parents, as
everything we're trying to do and that weblame ourselves for not doing if we don't get
it as perfectly as maybe our parents got it.
We're dealing with a lot of stuff here.
(31:22):
We are, I feel like, in a sense, trying tosurvive as parents in ways that the past
couple of generations perhaps did not have tojust try to survive.
I'm not saying that we have it worse thanother previous generations, but I am saying my
(31:42):
husband and I are going through strangerthings again right now, and it's good stuff,
right?I was laughing as, like, we're big stranger
things fans.
We love stranger things.
There's this whole scene where it's all theparents in the living room.
They're like, when was the last time you sawthe kids?
I don't know.
When did you see the kids?
Are the street lights on?I don't know.
When did they call?Did they call?
4 hours, 2 hours, 3 hours?And I'm like, what?
(32:04):
Like, how could you just let your kids go outand play and be like, be back when the street
lights are like, what?No, we are helicopter moms because we don't
have a choice half the time.
Speaker A (32:21):
It's funny because that's how I grew up.
Definitely how I grew up.
Like, get outside.
You're either outside, or if you're inside,you better be either reading or doing your
homework.
You're not watching TV, right, exactly.
And you know what?I would probably do the same thing today.
It's not that I'm worried about crime.
I'm worried about some Karen down the street
being like, her kids are outside.
Speaker B (32:44):
No, I completely get it, because that's just it, too.
The fears and the threats, they come fromevery angle.
On the one hand, if you're trying to let yourkids have a little more freedom, like you
said, then the Karens are going to come out.
And then what?
CPS gets called on you or something?And then on the flip side, if you are being a
little bit stricter with stuff, it's becauseyou're terrified of, I don't know, reading the
(33:07):
news that very.
It's a very weird time.
And I have a very friendly child.
A very friendly child.
I joke that we took her to the Crayola factoryand she tried to leave with three other
families, but I'm only half joking.
And this was what did it for me.
I knew this person.
(33:27):
She had never met this person.
We were standing at a stoplight.
Like I said, I'm in West Redding all the time
for work, so I'm very familiar with all thebusinesses, the owners of the businesses.
So an older gentleman who, his family owns alot of businesses, he walks out.
I said hi to him because I knew who he was.
My daughter, who was standing right next to me
(33:48):
without missing a beat, slips her hand in his.
He's a complete stranger to her and goes to
cross the street with him.
Oh, my God.
I made eye contact with him, and we both justwent, she has no stranger danger.
And that's why I don't mess around.
I don't mess around with any of that.
(34:08):
And I'm also very blessed, and I acknowledgemy privilege that I work at the school where
she attends kindergarten in.
I'm always around, poor kid.
Actually, she probably needs freedom from mom,but it's just a strange time to be trying to
raise kids and keeping them safe while givingthem the freedom to grow and challenge
(34:34):
themselves that they do need to have.
Speaker A (34:39):
Yeah. And I think that also makes kind of.
How do I say this in a good way?It makes things like Thanksgiving, I think,
harder.
And that's not always a bad thing.
A lot of the narrative that surroundsThanksgiving, I understand it's not
(35:03):
historically accurate.
There's a lot of bad things that get glossed
over, but that also makes it kind of thisminefield.
When your kids come up and they're like, oh,well, our teachers look at the little pilgrim
and Indian we made, and it's like, now you'rehaving to walk this minefield of how do I
(35:27):
handle this in a way that's not going totraumatize my child, but it's also not going
to erase the stuff from the past.
It's like, now, how is this deal with this
now?
Speaker B (35:40):
That's exactly right.
And I think that when we were growing up,
nobody talked about that kind of stuff.
Speaker A (35:46):
Oh, my gosh.
No, never.
No.
Speaker B (35:48):
And I think it is so good and it is so healthy that things are being acknowledged
now that should have been acknowledged a longtime ago.
And I grateful for the fact that my daughter,your children, they're going to know these
things.
But like you said, you have to be tactful, you
have to be gentle.
(36:08):
You have to handle the conversation with as
much grace as you can, because you also haveto take it to account that I'm trying to also
put this delicately.
I think with older generations, family
members, they don't understand why ourgeneration is now trying to gently be like,
okay, let's tell the whole truth and nothingbut the truth here.
(36:32):
And they're like, well, that's not how we didthings.
Speaker A (36:36):
Well, I don't even necessarily blame them for that.
It's hard for me to remember these kinds ofthings.
Like when you see some 72 year old Boomerwho's like going on about his boomerness, but
at the same time, this is like, I'm trying tobe charitable.
(36:57):
I can only imagine how it would feel being inmy seventy?
S and essentially your whole life, everythingyou've been taught, like your elementary
school and high school and then in college,this is what you were raised to believe.
And your whole life in the media, this is whatyou were taught to believe.
And then all Of a sudden it's just kind ofyanked out from underneath you.
(37:18):
Exactly.
That can't be easy to reckon with.
Speaker B (37:23):
No. Oh, my gosh.
And I think we were, as some of the first kids
to be raised to ask the hard questions.
We were one of the first generations where
blind obedience children should be seen andnot heard.
That old mindset, that didn't apply to us.
(37:44):
Our parents encouraged questions.
They encouraged, they encouraged transparency.
And what a blessing for us.
Right?But that's not how these older generations
grew up at all.
At all.
And I think that there needs to be so muchsensitivity around.
(38:08):
And this leads right back to Thanksgiving.
What's the most stressful part of the meal?
Politics and religion at the table.
And I try to make it very clear that in my
home, everyone is welcome.
We're a Christian family.
I try to think about it, how Jesus leteverybody at his table.
(38:31):
Nobody was kicked to the curb there.
And I get frustrated when people try to bring
up divisive things on purpose.
And I have watched that happen, and especially
as certain election years loom on the horizon.
And I say loom because every time I'm like,
oh, no. And I said to my husband, that's nextyear again already.
(38:55):
And if I have to get it printed on a welcomemat, a literal welcome Mat to put at the door,
please wipe your feet and leave your politicshere.
I will buy that mat because I don't wantanybody to ever feel uncomfortable in my home.
I don't want anybody to ever feel anythingless than loved and respected and cherished.
And I am so over the nastiness that is justnot lying.
Speaker A (39:20):
Do you have a way, like, if someone brings up politics, like, it's Thanksgiving
and everyone said, how do you get it to goaway?
Do you have, like, a tactful response?
Speaker B (39:29):
Honestly, I would do my best to just be like, you know what?
Not here, not today.
I respect you.
I respect your beliefs.
My whole thing is I may not agree with you.
I may even think you're wrong, but I respectthe journey that got you to that belief.
I want to hear about that because I respectyou.
Right?I might still think you're wrong.
(39:50):
Very wrong.
That's okay.
I still want to know why you got there.
Because one thing I've learned as an adult is
that everybody has the belief that they haveright or wrong because of something that
happened to them along the way.
Sometimes it's something simple, sometimes
it's trauma.
And I don't want to ever make somebody feel
less than because I don't know their story.
(40:12):
And so if somebody were to bring something
very divisive like that up and it's happened,if it's at somebody else's house, I walk away.
I try to defend the underdog.
Sometimes.
Once in a while, I'll try to slip something inthere that is respectful and kind, but it is
not my home.
And that is up to the people whose house it
(40:33):
is.
Like, I don't want to step on any toes or
myself, be disrespectful.
If it's in my home, I'm going to be like, not
here.
This is not what this day is about.
This is not what I want my child to see.
Speaker A (40:46):
I think that's a good point where you said, walk away.
Like, if you're in someone else's house,you're allowed to do that I think that that's
another thing that is hard.
Like, hey, you're allowed to.
It's not rude.
You can politely excuse yourself and be like,
hey, I'm going to just go take a minute formyself.
You guys do what you're going to do.
I'll be back in five minutes.
(41:06):
I just need to.
That's okay.
Speaker B (41:10):
I think also there is a lot of power in saying this is making me
uncomfortable and just obviously don't stormoff in a huff like a toddler.
Don't have that kind of a reaction.
But you are fully entitled to be like, this
conversation is making me uncomfortablebecause I love all of you, I respect all of
you.
(41:30):
And this is not sounding respectful to me and
I don't want to engage and say something I'mgoing to regret.
So I'm going to peace for a little bit.
I'm going to go grab a glass of wine and watch
a Christmas movie.
It's okay to step away.
It's okay to walk away.
But like I said, I do think it does depend.
Are you hosting?Is this going down at your table?
(41:51):
Or is this because you never know.
SOme other people, they love these kinds of
discussions and if that's how they want to dotheir Thanksgiving, then wonderful.
But you might find me on the couch watchingHallmark.
Speaker A (42:03):
Yes. There's plenty of people that can have these discussions and it not be
definitely angry thing.
So that's you.
The more power to you go for it.
But if it is stressful for you, I think that
knowing that it's okay to walk away and take abreak.
Speaker B (42:24):
I think give yourself the power to do that and keep in mind how little the folks
are who are listening because that issomething that just drives me absolutely
bananas, as my best friend Lindsay says, isthe amount, and I see it all the time online,
the amount of keyboard warriors.
I just had to deal with one a week ago.
(42:44):
The amount of keyboard warriors and I do notengage online because I know how futile it is.
But the amount of nastiness I see, I'm justlike, wow.
And you procreated.
Not to sound mean, but I'm like, this is what
your child is seeing, you say.
And I'll bet dollars to donuts, if you get a
call from your kid's school that they werebullying somebody, you'd be like, oh, my gosh,
(43:06):
how did that happen?My child's not a bully.
Well, have you looked at what you're writinglately?
And if something is offensive to you, that isokay.
You got a couple of awesome options.
Here.
Well, shoot somebody a private message or givethem a call.
Don't spew something on their own page.
You never know who they are or what they're
(43:28):
dealing with or what they meant by something.
This is literally what I had to deal with last
week or the like, unlike unfollow, unfrettenedbutton is at your disposal.
If all this is online, if it's in person, youare free to walk.
Nobody is making you stay in a relationshipwith this person.
(43:50):
Right?And it's like, I think that especially.
Speaker A (43:54):
If you're afraid of maybe confrontation or something, and that's what's,
I'm going to just sit here and I'm going to bequiet and it's stressing me out, but I'm not
going to say anything because if I get up andwalk away, then people are going to fight.
You know what?You don't have to engage in that.
Speaker B (44:06):
No.
Speaker A (44:09):
You can leave.
Speaker B (44:12):
And if somebody is going to mock you for that, they're not invited next year.
Speaker A (44:19):
If someone is going to mock you for that, then that would say to me, that's
someone who does not respect you enough, justin general, and they shouldn't be in your
life.
Speaker B (44:27):
But I completely agree with you.
If somebody is not going to respect your
boundaries, you don't need them.
The end.
And I get very frustrated because I will saygrowing up, and I think it was in reference to
this one family member who I have completelydistanced myself from, I could be wrong.
(44:48):
I feel like I remember this quote being thrownaround because of this person.
You know, the old quote, blood is thicker thanwater.
Well, just this year I actually found out, andplease, this is not the million percent
accurate believe.
I don't think it was Shakespeare, but it was
somebody like Shakespeare.
The quote is older than I thought.
(45:10):
This year I found out that that quote hasactually been taken out of context.
Blood is thicker than water is part of it.
The real quote is the blood of the battlefield
is thicker than the water of the womb.
What that means is those who bleed with you,
those who are willing to die with you, thosewho engage in your battles by your side,
(45:33):
that's your family.
And that was life changing to me.
I was just like, this quote that was leveledat me has been misquoted my whole life and it
actually means the opposite.
That was so great.
I know I have been found family for some.
(45:55):
I have found family of my own.
And these are people who I cherish.
I don't get to talk to as much as I want, but
they are my family, in some cases.
One in particular I'm thinking of, who doesn't
have much family of their own left.
(46:16):
And what an honor to be chosen to fight with
this person, to stand up for this person.
I don't believe everything this person
necessarily believes, but that doesn't evenmatter.
Still going to be there.
Still going to show up on that battlefield
every freaking day.
So I just thought maybe people would find that
interesting.
(46:36):
If that's a quote that was leveled at you your
whole life, I could try to find the quote andsend it to you after we hang up here.
So you can include that if you want.
But that changed my life this year.
And it was just such a confirmation of thefact that we're all children of God.
Ergo, we can all be family if our paths aremeant to cross.
Speaker A (46:59):
Yeah. And I think ultimately, people just need to remember that a holiday
like Thanksgiving, it's not meant to bestressful.
I get it's in the name, Thanksgiving.
It's meant to be gratitude.
Like, you're supposed to be grateful.
So, I mean, you don't have to make it into
this big, I've got to have 500 family membersand the best Thanksgiving dinner and a million
(47:24):
traditions.
Like, hey, be grateful for what you have and
don't overwhelm yourself with expectationsthat no one's going to be able to meet.
Speaker B (47:34):
Definitely not.
And I think whether your Thanksgiving looks
like the traditional spread and 50 people andjust a sparkling clean house, good on you.
That's amazing.
Maybe instead, this year, you're ordering
pizzas and your tree is already up.
I salute you, too.
However it is you've got to do it.
(47:55):
Protect your family's mental health.
Protect your mental health.
And just remember that.
I think a lot of us stress ourselves out whenreally, people aren't actually expecting as
much from us as we think.
Speaker A (48:10):
No, I think that's a good point, too, is that our expectations are always
higher than other people's are of us.
Speaker B (48:18):
And can I just say how much I think social media, I understand we all have to use
it for work now.
I get it, but it sucks.
And my catchphrase is always, don't compareyour behind the scenes footage to somebody.
Speaker A (48:31):
Else'S highlight reel, because I will say that my mom.
So I am an elder millennial, but my mom had mevery young, so she is a gen xer.
Yeah.
So she does not have social media, like, at
all, anywhere of any kind.
And I'm always like, kind of.
I'm like, you should get on Facebook.
She's like, no, that's.
Speaker B (48:52):
My parents love that for them because it's such a headache and it's
challenging in my line of work, most of them,I literally can't not have social media,
pageantry, modeling especially.
It's not an option.
I tried, I delete did my social media a coupleof years back for almost, I think it was
(49:13):
almost a year, and it just got to the pointwhere it was so hard with work because I'd be
on set for something.
Oh, can I tag you?
Can I share this?Build an ad one.
I'm like, well, I don't have it.
And then I'm losing out on other gigs and
stuff.
And it got to the point where it was not
feasible.
And what a shame that we are so wrapped up in.
(49:33):
I mean, technology can be great andeverything, but there are so many ways that it
is harmed.
Speaker A (49:39):
Well, and I think that that's another thing that you have to be purposeful
about when you.
I love having social media because I have a
son with down syndrome, so I have all thesedown syndrome families that I'm close know,
but they're all over the country as anexample.
So it's like we're able to be in each other'slives, even though we're in Chicago and
Minnesota.
And, um.
(50:02):
But you have to be intentional, where ifsomeone is stressing you out and it's not even
any fault of their own, maybe someone is just,like I said, really good at the tablescapes
and making their cakes look really pretty,even though mine, they may taste really good,
but they look really bad.
(50:23):
That's making you feel insecure.
It's okay if you want to unfollow it doesn'tmean you dislike that person.
You can give yourself the grace to do that.
Speaker B (50:33):
It's okay.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly right.
There was something my mom always told me
growing up, and the older I get, the more trueit is.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And I feel like the holidays, whether it's
you're looking at somebody's gorgeous table orsuper clean house or picture perfect family
(50:56):
where the kids actually smiled for the holidaycard, you know what I mean?
Or it's like it's a roughly noon, December 25,and somebody got Alexis with a bow on it in
their driveway.
You know what I mean?
There's so much this time of year that canlead to discontent and resentment and stress.
(51:17):
Screw it.
It's not what we're supposed to be focused on
right now.
And what if.
Just hear me out on this.
What if we had a holiday season, could be
Thanksgiving, could be Christmas, could bewhatever.
Where there was no set menu, there was nodress code, there was no anything other than,
hey, show up.
(51:37):
Bring something if you want.
We'll have some stuff here.
Not even sure what we'll have.
Bowl of food.
There will be things to eat and we just want
you to come.
We're going to sit around the fire and we're
going to share what we're thankful for.
We might pop a movie on, but zero
expectations.
No gifts exchanged, no set anything.
Speaker A (51:57):
This is not an Instagram Thanksgiving.
This is a real person Thanksgiving.
Speaker B (52:01):
This is a real person Thanksgiving.
This is a we'll eat.
But there's no stipulations on what we eat.
We just want you here.
We just want to be present with you and not,like, hovering around the kitchen all
afternoon because we have to make this perfectdish, and then we can't enjoy spending time
with our family for years.
My ideal Thanksgiving involves some sort of
(52:21):
sandwich and the Lord of the Rings Extendededition Marathon.
No football, just Lord of the Rings all daylong.
Can imagine how popular I am with my family.
Speaker A (52:30):
My husband would love that.
He loves all the Lord of the Rings movies, and
he's been trying to get our kids to get.
Speaker B (52:37):
In high school, I knew how to sing in Elvish, and I walked down the aisle to the
piece of music called concerning hobits fromthe Fellowship of the Ring.
Speaker A (52:46):
That is amazing.
Speaker B (52:48):
I heard that song as a kid.
I'm like, I'm going to walk down the aisle to
this someday.
And I did.
So, yeah, big, big Lord of the Rings fanshere.
I kind of wanted to name my daughterGaladriel, and I got overruled.
Fortunately for her, I suppose.
Speaker A (53:06):
Okay, so to wrap, let's.
Is there one more thing?
What would be, like, the one ultimate tip youwould give people for Thanksgiving this year?
Speaker B (53:17):
I think my ultimate tip would be, what makes you the most thankful?
Your kids, your spouse, your parents.
Maybe it is a great meal.
That's great.
Maybe it is a clean house.
Maybe it is doing none of the above andinstead spending the day at a soup kitchen.
(53:38):
What would fill your heart with so muchthankfulness?
You'd be like, this was a good day, and youmight not be able to answer that right away.
I know I couldn't.
I'd have to sit with that for a bit.
Sit with it.
You've got almost a week.
And then do that.
Even if that upends.
Speaker A (53:59):
I don't think I've ever heard someone describe that kind of how to plan your
Thanksgiving.
You said it now, and it's, like, super obvious
what makes you most thankful.
Stop and think about that.
And that needs to be your focus.
I don't think even though it's called
Thanksgiving, most people do that.
Speaker B (54:16):
No, definitely not.
It has become a day of societal norms and
expectations, which for some people, that doesmake them thankful.
And I love.
My husband is one of those people.
He is one of those people.
I mean, the tree does not go up until the day
after Thanksgiving.
I've gotten a little wiggle room now where the
tree will be removed from the basement themorning of and then put up after the meal.
(54:37):
But ten years of marriage, you got to have alittle bit of compromise here and there.
And I'm preaching to myself here, too.
I want to sit with that and be like, okay, I
can tell you one thing that I will neverforget was my husband.
And I think it was very early on into ourmarriage.
(54:59):
We woke up really early.
Of course, this was pre kiddo, but we woke up
really early on Thanksgiving Day, and we wentout and we got a bunch of donuts, and we went
to our local police station and we brought allthese donuts.
I want to bring that back.
That is where I feel thankful is when I'm
looking at people who they're working thatday.
This is just me personally, and I'm like, letme take care of you.
(55:22):
This is not a turkey a meal I cook because youprobably wouldn't want to eat it.
But I'm going out, and that's how I want tospend my day.
I would love to spend my Thanksgivingpersonally.
Not at home around a table.
I'd love to be out running around giving toys
to kids who don't have families, bringingdonuts to people.
Now, my mom already has plans this year, andwe're going there, so I can't do that this
(55:46):
year.
But I would love to have something like that
someday.
So whatever it is, and like I said, maybe
you're more like my husband, where that supertraditional aspect that does fill you with
joy.
I love that for you, but maybe it doesn't.
Maybe it's actually like a thief of joy.
(56:06):
And if it is, you might have to sit with that
and be like, I don't know.
I don't know what that would take.
So rest there for a while until you do try tomake it about rest instead.
Rest for you and rest for your soul.
Speaker A (56:31):
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
Make sure to subscribe so you never miss out.
Leave us a review and share to help other moms
find us.
Thanks for stopping by the Fireflies and
Whoopee Pie podcast, the only podcast by SouthCentral PA Moms or South Central PA moms.
Until next time.
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