May 6, 2024 • 24 mins
Mother's Day has become an annual battlefield. Is it meant to celebrate young moms in the trenches? Should grandmothers take precedence? This holiday meant to honor moms has turned into a minefield where moms are pitted against other moms... when maybe the entire problem isn't about moms at all. SHOW NOTES: "Reddit Agrees—Mother's Day Is for the Mom in the Trenches" "Mother's Day Is Not Really About Me—Because, Grandmas" "Who is Mother’s Day really for? Moms and grandmothers sound off" "Does Mother’s Day Really Have to Be Grandmother’s Day, Too?" "Dear Husbands: Mother's Day is Not About Your Mom"
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cassy (00:07):
Hi, and welcome to the South Central PA mom, Fireflies and Whoopie Pie podcast, where
we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in south
central, Pa.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while, and settle
in for the show.
(00:27):
Hi, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode of Firefliesand Whoopie Pie.
Today we are going to be talking aboutMother's Day, which, as we all know, since we
are all moms here, is right around the corner.
There is an age old debate that has been going
on and is definitely picking up steam, thanksto social media, about who Mother's Day is
(00:51):
actually for.
Is it for moms who are currently in the
trenches and the throes of mothering andmotherhood?
Or is it for the grandmothers, you know, ourhusbands moms?
Or if you're, you know, lgbt family, yourwife's mom, whatever the case may be, your in
(01:13):
laws and your mom is basically for thegrandparents.
It is this ongoing debate, and it has beengetting a lot of attention lately.
Now, I wrote an article way back in the daywhen I was still living in Jacksonville, and I
(01:38):
was part of Jacksonville mom.
And to this day, all this time later, it still
gets tons and tons and tons of attention.
And it is called dear husband's Mother's Day
is not about your mom.
And let me, you know, kind of explain the
point here was to talk about this trap that alot of moms find themselves caught in, where
(02:04):
even though mother's Day is supposed to be aday that is about you, what ends up happening
for a lot of women is that they are spendingtheir whole Mother's Day weekend running
around making sure that their mother in lawhas a great Mother's Day experience.
(02:25):
She is, you know, making sure to find the giftand book the brunch reservation and get the
flowers ordered and the husband.
And that's his, you know, that's his priority,
too, because he grew up his whole life,Mother's Day was about his mom.
And that's all well and good, but then theactual mom ends up being forgotten.
(02:46):
And the point that I made in this article wasthat you should still be doing things for your
wife and pampering the mother who's currentlyin the throes of motherhood.
As the article says, by all means, send yourmom flowers.
(03:07):
Get her a lovely gift.
But ask your wife what she wants to do on
Mother's Day first.
And if the answer is not, go to my mother in
law's house, then don't drag everyone.
Go to see your mother.
There are other days you can devote toshowering your mom with attention and gift and
pampering on Mother's Day, you need to focuson the woman who is currently in the throes of
motherhood.
(03:30):
And one other point that I made here was that
there is a really great win win solution, andthat is to pack your kids and take them to
your mom's house without your wife.
Plan a special day for her that she can have
all to herself.
A nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the
chance to see the movie she wanted to see, aday to spa, or heck, even just the ability to
(03:54):
enjoy her empty house where she can read a napwithout getting interrupted a million times by
tiny people who always need something.
Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give
her the opportunity to get a much needed breakfor rest and relaxation while you get to spend
time your mom.
Somehow, for some reason, this was, you know,
controversial to me.
(04:17):
I am, you know, the thought process here is
that you should be doing something for yourmom.
This is going out to the husband.
You should be doing something for your mom.
Don't make your wife the one that'sresponsible.
Don't make her the one that has to run around,make all the plans and buy all the gifts, and
(04:39):
then, and then not do anything for her.
So this has become a huge, huge, huge debate
now.
Oh, goodness.
So there are tons of articles talking aboutthis.
So, for example, I've got here around todaywhere they have an article saying, who is
(05:02):
Mother's Day really for moms and grandmothers?Sound off.
And they have one woman on TikTok who is inthe fifties, and she was responding to another
TikTok creator who said that Mother's Dayshould be for moms in trenches parenthood.
And she said, I'm so tired of moms and mothersin law and grandparents being **** on on this
(05:22):
app.
When did the younger generation just totally
throw us to the wolves?I don't understand.
It's just the moms of young kids that shouldreally be celebrated for Mother's Day.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard asa mom.
How am I going to celebrate my son or bethankful to be a mom if my children aren't
around me because I'm older?I think that part of the problem here, and
(05:45):
what it all boils down to, is that for momswho are in the trenches, Mother's Day does not
get to be a holiday that she gets to enjoy orfeel special or appreciated.
And let's be real a lot of moms, I shouldagain clarify young moms because we're talking
about, you know, older moms too.
(06:06):
A lot of young moms, you don't feel
appreciated.
You feel like everything you do is not getting
seen.
And then meanwhile, you've got the older moms
who feel forgotten, which is, again, wherethe, you know, the perfect compromise as you
go out with your mother in law, with all thekids and let your wife have alone time.
(06:29):
But in any case, you know, today noted a pollwhere they said that 62% of mothers who for
Mother's Day want alone time versus only 38%who want family time.
And some of the response responses to thewoman who was talking about how being a
grandmother doesn't make her valid anymore,and that's fine, her feelings are completely
(06:58):
understandable.
But the point is that for the younger moms, as
one TikToker said, I don't get to celebratebeing a mom with my kids because we spend 100%
of the day with our moms.
It's another exhausting holiday for us.
Another person said, I'm a young mom of three.
I don't want to run around to make the
(07:18):
grandmas happy that day.
When do I get a day to do what I want?
Now, in response again, and this is fromtoday, and I will leave the link.
So if anyone wants to chime in or, you know,see what all of the fuss is about, there's
still a lot of people who say that justbecause they're now grandma or mother in law,
(07:41):
you know, that they shouldn't be forgotten,that they've been parenting for decades and
they should at least get a phone call orbrunch reservation.
Others say, you know, you do a multigenerational event, and I will say that that's
something that my husband and I did one year.
We had my mom and his mom.
Basically all of our families come to ourhouse.
We made a brunch at our home and everyone atethere.
(08:05):
And then once everyone left, I went and took anap.
What's interesting is that you do have somegrandmothers to who, according to today, are
feeling like they should no longer be thefocus.
(08:27):
One person who's a TikTok user that theyquoted said, time for my annual reminder to
grandmothers to shift the focus from you toyour daughters and daughters in law who are
mothers.
Instead of expecting the family to gather to
honor you, it's time to make the day about thenext generation of mothers.
(08:47):
I feel like that is a very kind thing to dowhere, I mean, yes, let's shift the focus to
your next generation of mothers.
But at the same time, I think that part of the
problem that we have here and, you know, guys,I'm sorry to say this, but I think that if men
(09:10):
were stepping up and doing more, we wouldn'thave these clashes.
And by doing more, I don't mean they're notgiving good enough presents or they're not
taking everyone out to brunch.
I'm sure that they think they're doing what
they need to.
Because, again, men have spent their whole
life celebrating mother's Day with theirmother, and then now all of a sudden, they've
got the mother of their kids and what are wesupposed to do now?
(09:37):
Which is where I think that a lot of momswould probably be appreciative if they were
not the ones who felt the responsibility ofplanning the events for everyone.
Okay, well, it's mother's Day, so now I needto do something for my mom and I need to do
something for his mom, because if I don't dosomething for his mom, then she's going to get
mad because he's going to forget, and thenit's going to cause all this drama, blah,
(10:01):
blah, blah.
I think that if more men were to step up and
take the lead and make sure that there was,you know, hey, maybe the Saturday before
Mother's day, we plan a nice event with mymom, and I will get her flowers.
You don't need to worry about getting a gift.
I will get flowers, I will plan the lunch, and
we'll all go over there and see her.
(10:21):
And then on Mother's Day, you, my wife, go do
what you want.
Just essentially, I think that what's
happening here is that everyone feels likethey're not being appreciated.
And that's where you have this kind of battleback and forth of who matters more.
Um, there's another article in women's worldwhere they make a good point also is that
(10:47):
there is actually a holiday calledgrandmother's Day.
And they pointed out that, you know, for a lotof younger mothers, it is common to be, I
don't know, just not great as this articlesays.
Just google mother's Day disappointment andsee.
(11:08):
Husbands who say, you're not my mother arepartly to blame, but grandmothers can be part
of the trouble, too.
A mom who expects to have the celebration all
to herself may be upset if she is married tosomeone with a different view.
That goes double if there's any frictionbetween the generations, which happens in
each, even the most loving families.
(11:29):
This person who wrote this is a grandmother,
she says, and that she believes the main focusof Mother's Day should be the, as she put it,
valiant women who are in the trenches, dealingdaily with crises ranging from diaper rash to
broken curfews.
They do a lot without much positive
enforcement, and they should definitely getwhat they want at least one day out of the
year.
(11:50):
And then, as she points out, that what most
young moms want on Mother's Day is time off.
You know, and, and I think for most people,
it's not that most moms, I should say, it'snot that when they say time off, they don't
want to spend time with their kids.
You know, we do.
But what we want is to be able to relax and dothe fun parts instead of running around
(12:11):
stressing the whole day and figuring out,well, oh, my gosh, I need to go change this
diaper.
And so, and so is fighting, and I need to make
dinner, like, just, you know, time off whereyou can just relax.
Like, maybe instead of having to change amillion diapers, I get to read a book for
today or go out on a run and take a nap, youknow?
(12:33):
But the problem that we have today is thatMother's Day, and as this author points out,
grandmother's Day has kind of become blended.
So it becomes this fraught holiday of what do
we do?How do we handle it to where no one's feelings
(12:53):
are hurt?One suggestion that this person makes is
instead of making Mother's Day about themothers in law, you celebrate grandparents
day.
And she says that grandparents day falls on
the first Sunday after Labor Day, which is agood time for family get together.
September weather is usually prime and thegrandkids can share their back to school
(13:16):
stories.
Grandparents day was not intended to be a gift
giving holiday, but in instead was conceivedas a day for grandparents and grandchildren to
celebrate each other.
We like to have a backyard cookout or just go
to the park.
And one thing that she pointed out, which I
think is a good thing to remember, is that fora lot of mothers in law and older moms whose
(13:40):
kids are now grown up, they're not reallywanting on Mother's Day to be doted on.
And maybe I can just feel all the commentsfrom people who are like, no, my mother in law
wants all this stuff.
But seriously, I think that for the most part,
all they want is time spent together.
(14:00):
They aren't looking to have, like, all the
gifts and the crazy things.
They just want to know that they're remembered
and that they're still important and they'restill cared for.
So that's where, again, you make time.
Maybe you do say, hey, from now on, we're
(14:21):
going to do grandparents day.
Or instead, another example is a Mother's day
weekend where she says, if we stretch out theholiday for whole weekend, we can fit everyone
in.
Why should we wait until Sunday to celebrate?
If there is an extended family lunch or brunchon Saturday, mom can have her Sunday
celebration all to herself.
Or, this is a great idea, a Saturday pedicure
(14:42):
or spa treatment for moms and grand momssounds like a blast.
I also love the idea of finding a quaint spotfor Saturday afternoon tea and inviting all
the girls in the family.
These are all like great, great ideas.
And again, I think the point comes down toeveryone wants to feel appreciated, everyone
wants to know that they matter.
(15:04):
And I mean, you know, it's hard for, I think,
a lot of us younger moms to understand how itfeels for someone whose children are adults.
(15:26):
I think it's everyone's worst nightmare thatyour kids grow up and they forget about you.
So that's probably where a lot of this angstover Mother's Day.
And no, don't forget me.
Just because my kids are grown doesn't mean
that I don't matter anymore.
That's where that comes from, because you
(15:47):
don't want to be forgotten.
I don't think that for most older moms, it is
an issue of wanting to deprive their daughterin law of the spotlight, so to speak.
I think that in their minds, they're probablythinking, well, we're all spending time
(16:08):
together.
What's wrong with that?
And I think that they're not realizing thatall spending time together is a great idea,
except for the fact that it's the daughter inlaw having to run around and arrange
everything.
And this is where, again, if men would step up
and do all of the arranging, and mother in lawand wife could both just chill and hang out
and enjoy the celebration, it'd probably be alot different.
(16:30):
But anyway, so that's where I think you have,again, this, this clash of everyone wants to
matter, everyone wants to feel appreciated andloved.
(16:51):
And another thing that I think is a reallyimportant thing to remember, too, with my
Jacksonville mom article.
A lot of people responded that, well, I should
say a lot of the older moms whose sons are nowgrown up were saying, you know, no, no,
Mother's day is the day that you celebrateyour mom.
(17:11):
You know, your kids should be doing stuff foryou.
But here on parents.com, there is something tobe pointed out.
When your kids are young, they can't doanything for you.
I mean, they just don't know how to, that it'snot a thing.
Your kids are adults and then they understand,oh, I need to get my mom a gift or whatever.
(17:36):
But I mean, a toddler is not going to, I mean,what are they.
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you for the handprint on a sheet
of paper that I'm going to have to keep trackof for the next like 20 years.
Here on parents.com, she mentions, you know,toddlers don't know the difference between
weekdays and weekends.
So I hardly imagine that simply because it's
(17:57):
Mother's day will mean they won't want whenthey want what they want when they want it,
like every other day of their lives.
And she goes on to mention, I know what you're
thinking.
What about my husband?
Can't he form a cleanup crew with older kidsand give me a break?
Maybe.
I mean, stranger things have happened.
But I know I'm not alone when I say I want himto figure that out rather than carrying the
(18:21):
mental load of telling him what he should do.
And that's, again, where we have this issue
where, you know, these, these moms whose kidsare grown up are now saying, well, you know,
it's, it's not meant for, for your husband tocelebrate you.
It's for your kids to celebrate you.
And that's very true.
(18:41):
But then you also have the problem of how,who's going to do that when your kid is, you
know, six years old.
And most of the time, what you have is this
difference where the older moms want time withall their families and the younger moms want
(19:02):
time off because again, they're in thetrenches.
And then what you end up having is thisproblem with disappointment again.
Going back to this parents.com article, it'seasier to expect nothing and be surprised by,
say, my husband getting me flowers or my kidsinsisting that I don't do dishes rather than
just skulk around in disappointment that noone gets it.
(19:24):
The truth is, I'm already disappointed, butmostly in myself.
My expectations are so low this mother's day,making me wonder if I don't value myself like
I should.
Why didn't I book a winery tour with friends
like my sister did or plan a spa day like myneighbor did?
Instead, I have resigned myself to anothermother's Day filled with activities that won't
(19:45):
be about me and what I might want to do.
I'm trying to make everyone else happy.
Does this sound familiar to anyone readingthis?
I thought so.
And there again, you get to the crux of the
issue is that moms are designed to reallyspend our days running around taking care of
everyone else.
So for Mother's Day, it becomes another day
(20:07):
where we have to run around and take care ofeveryone else.
Except on this occasion, not only are wetaking care of our children, but we're also
taking care of our mother and our mother inlaw.
So it just turns out to be this stressful,disappointing, sad scenario for a lot of
(20:31):
women.
And really, it just doesn't have to be that
way.
It can be something where, you know, again,
maybe like the, the one article said, and Iwill make sure, by the way, to include all of
(20:58):
these articles for everyone to, to read in theshow notes, maybe, yeah, you do something this
Saturday beforehand, or maybe you decide, hey,we're going to be celebrating grandmother's
day instead.
Point being, everyone just wants to be
(21:19):
appreciated and they don't want to have to goaround doing everything else for everyone
else.
So for moms, we just want to have the ability
to kind of take a break and know that we'reremembered and we're cared.
And then for the older moms, they just want toknow they're not forgotten.
(21:40):
And so this is where the problem here is.
Not with the women who are being kind of
pitted against each other in the media, butit's for the husbands to be stepping up and
making sure that that's not what's happeninganymore.
(22:04):
The problem here is that it is far too commonculturally for women to, for the young moms
who are in the trenches of parenthood, they'refinding it their responsibility to make
Mother's Day amazing for their mother in law.
And the problem there really isn't with the
(22:24):
mother in law.
And that's something that needs to be changed
and addressed.
The problem isn't that the mother in law wants
to feel special.
It's that the mom in the trenches is the one
doing all the work and she's not getting abreak and she's not getting appreciated.
And I really feel like if more men were tostep up and say, hey, I'm going to take care
(22:48):
of figuring out a present for my mom, youdon't need to do it this year.
And I will arrange the brunch and I'm going totake all the kids over to my mom's house so
she can play with them.
And you'll get a few hours apiece.
We wouldn't have this divide where it's momsagainst grandmothers.
This isn't about women needing to figure outwhere the right place to go is.
(23:18):
It's just, again, another, I think, symptom ofhow women moms really are expected to do
everything for everyone.
And even on Mother's Day, even on Mother's
Day, the day that we are supposed to becelebrated and cherished and honored, that
still happens.
So maybe on Mother's Day, this one time of the
(23:39):
year, this could be the time where the dadscan step up and make sure that all the moms in
their lives are feeling honored instead ofmaking your wife run around and do it.
And then I think we will see a lot less ofthese angst filled articles or arguments on
TikTok about who needs to do what and whereand when and who's the most important.
(24:03):
You know, if we didn't leave it on moms to doeverything, including on Mother's Day, this
argument would disappear.
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
(24:24):
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Find us thanks for stopping by the Firefliesand Whoopie Pie podcast, the only podcast by
south central PA moms for south central PAmoms.
Until next time.
Hi, and welcome to the South Central PA mom, Fireflies and Whoopie Pie podcast, where
we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in south
central, Pa.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while, and settle
in for the show.
(00:27):
Hi, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode of Firefliesand Whoopie Pie.
Today we are going to be talking aboutMother's Day, which, as we all know, since we
are all moms here, is right around the corner.
There is an age old debate that has been going
on and is definitely picking up steam, thanksto social media, about who Mother's Day is
(00:51):
actually for.
Is it for moms who are currently in the
trenches and the throes of mothering andmotherhood?
Or is it for the grandmothers, you know, ourhusbands moms?
Or if you're, you know, lgbt family, yourwife's mom, whatever the case may be, your in
(01:13):
laws and your mom is basically for thegrandparents.
It is this ongoing debate, and it has beengetting a lot of attention lately.
Now, I wrote an article way back in the daywhen I was still living in Jacksonville, and I
(01:38):
was part of Jacksonville mom.
And to this day, all this time later, it still
gets tons and tons and tons of attention.
And it is called dear husband's Mother's Day
is not about your mom.
And let me, you know, kind of explain the
point here was to talk about this trap that alot of moms find themselves caught in, where
(02:04):
even though mother's Day is supposed to be aday that is about you, what ends up happening
for a lot of women is that they are spendingtheir whole Mother's Day weekend running
around making sure that their mother in lawhas a great Mother's Day experience.
(02:25):
She is, you know, making sure to find the giftand book the brunch reservation and get the
flowers ordered and the husband.
And that's his, you know, that's his priority,
too, because he grew up his whole life,Mother's Day was about his mom.
And that's all well and good, but then theactual mom ends up being forgotten.
(02:46):
And the point that I made in this article wasthat you should still be doing things for your
wife and pampering the mother who's currentlyin the throes of motherhood.
As the article says, by all means, send yourmom flowers.
(03:07):
Get her a lovely gift.
But ask your wife what she wants to do on
Mother's Day first.
And if the answer is not, go to my mother in
law's house, then don't drag everyone.
Go to see your mother.
There are other days you can devote toshowering your mom with attention and gift and
pampering on Mother's Day, you need to focuson the woman who is currently in the throes of
motherhood.
(03:30):
And one other point that I made here was that
there is a really great win win solution, andthat is to pack your kids and take them to
your mom's house without your wife.
Plan a special day for her that she can have
all to herself.
A nice brunch, a mini shopping spree, the
chance to see the movie she wanted to see, aday to spa, or heck, even just the ability to
(03:54):
enjoy her empty house where she can read a napwithout getting interrupted a million times by
tiny people who always need something.
Moms rarely get time alone, and this can give
her the opportunity to get a much needed breakfor rest and relaxation while you get to spend
time your mom.
Somehow, for some reason, this was, you know,
controversial to me.
(04:17):
I am, you know, the thought process here is
that you should be doing something for yourmom.
This is going out to the husband.
You should be doing something for your mom.
Don't make your wife the one that'sresponsible.
Don't make her the one that has to run around,make all the plans and buy all the gifts, and
(04:39):
then, and then not do anything for her.
So this has become a huge, huge, huge debate
now.
Oh, goodness.
So there are tons of articles talking aboutthis.
So, for example, I've got here around todaywhere they have an article saying, who is
(05:02):
Mother's Day really for moms and grandmothers?Sound off.
And they have one woman on TikTok who is inthe fifties, and she was responding to another
TikTok creator who said that Mother's Dayshould be for moms in trenches parenthood.
And she said, I'm so tired of moms and mothersin law and grandparents being **** on on this
(05:22):
app.
When did the younger generation just totally
throw us to the wolves?I don't understand.
It's just the moms of young kids that shouldreally be celebrated for Mother's Day.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard asa mom.
How am I going to celebrate my son or bethankful to be a mom if my children aren't
around me because I'm older?I think that part of the problem here, and
(05:45):
what it all boils down to, is that for momswho are in the trenches, Mother's Day does not
get to be a holiday that she gets to enjoy orfeel special or appreciated.
And let's be real a lot of moms, I shouldagain clarify young moms because we're talking
about, you know, older moms too.
(06:06):
A lot of young moms, you don't feel
appreciated.
You feel like everything you do is not getting
seen.
And then meanwhile, you've got the older moms
who feel forgotten, which is, again, wherethe, you know, the perfect compromise as you
go out with your mother in law, with all thekids and let your wife have alone time.
(06:29):
But in any case, you know, today noted a pollwhere they said that 62% of mothers who for
Mother's Day want alone time versus only 38%who want family time.
And some of the response responses to thewoman who was talking about how being a
grandmother doesn't make her valid anymore,and that's fine, her feelings are completely
(06:58):
understandable.
But the point is that for the younger moms, as
one TikToker said, I don't get to celebratebeing a mom with my kids because we spend 100%
of the day with our moms.
It's another exhausting holiday for us.
Another person said, I'm a young mom of three.
I don't want to run around to make the
(07:18):
grandmas happy that day.
When do I get a day to do what I want?
Now, in response again, and this is fromtoday, and I will leave the link.
So if anyone wants to chime in or, you know,see what all of the fuss is about, there's
still a lot of people who say that justbecause they're now grandma or mother in law,
(07:41):
you know, that they shouldn't be forgotten,that they've been parenting for decades and
they should at least get a phone call orbrunch reservation.
Others say, you know, you do a multigenerational event, and I will say that that's
something that my husband and I did one year.
We had my mom and his mom.
Basically all of our families come to ourhouse.
We made a brunch at our home and everyone atethere.
(08:05):
And then once everyone left, I went and took anap.
What's interesting is that you do have somegrandmothers to who, according to today, are
feeling like they should no longer be thefocus.
(08:27):
One person who's a TikTok user that theyquoted said, time for my annual reminder to
grandmothers to shift the focus from you toyour daughters and daughters in law who are
mothers.
Instead of expecting the family to gather to
honor you, it's time to make the day about thenext generation of mothers.
(08:47):
I feel like that is a very kind thing to dowhere, I mean, yes, let's shift the focus to
your next generation of mothers.
But at the same time, I think that part of the
problem that we have here and, you know, guys,I'm sorry to say this, but I think that if men
(09:10):
were stepping up and doing more, we wouldn'thave these clashes.
And by doing more, I don't mean they're notgiving good enough presents or they're not
taking everyone out to brunch.
I'm sure that they think they're doing what
they need to.
Because, again, men have spent their whole
life celebrating mother's Day with theirmother, and then now all of a sudden, they've
got the mother of their kids and what are wesupposed to do now?
(09:37):
Which is where I think that a lot of momswould probably be appreciative if they were
not the ones who felt the responsibility ofplanning the events for everyone.
Okay, well, it's mother's Day, so now I needto do something for my mom and I need to do
something for his mom, because if I don't dosomething for his mom, then she's going to get
mad because he's going to forget, and thenit's going to cause all this drama, blah,
(10:01):
blah, blah.
I think that if more men were to step up and
take the lead and make sure that there was,you know, hey, maybe the Saturday before
Mother's day, we plan a nice event with mymom, and I will get her flowers.
You don't need to worry about getting a gift.
I will get flowers, I will plan the lunch, and
we'll all go over there and see her.
(10:21):
And then on Mother's Day, you, my wife, go do
what you want.
Just essentially, I think that what's
happening here is that everyone feels likethey're not being appreciated.
And that's where you have this kind of battleback and forth of who matters more.
Um, there's another article in women's worldwhere they make a good point also is that
(10:47):
there is actually a holiday calledgrandmother's Day.
And they pointed out that, you know, for a lotof younger mothers, it is common to be, I
don't know, just not great as this articlesays.
Just google mother's Day disappointment andsee.
(11:08):
Husbands who say, you're not my mother arepartly to blame, but grandmothers can be part
of the trouble, too.
A mom who expects to have the celebration all
to herself may be upset if she is married tosomeone with a different view.
That goes double if there's any frictionbetween the generations, which happens in
each, even the most loving families.
(11:29):
This person who wrote this is a grandmother,
she says, and that she believes the main focusof Mother's Day should be the, as she put it,
valiant women who are in the trenches, dealingdaily with crises ranging from diaper rash to
broken curfews.
They do a lot without much positive
enforcement, and they should definitely getwhat they want at least one day out of the
year.
(11:50):
And then, as she points out, that what most
young moms want on Mother's Day is time off.
You know, and, and I think for most people,
it's not that most moms, I should say, it'snot that when they say time off, they don't
want to spend time with their kids.
You know, we do.
But what we want is to be able to relax and dothe fun parts instead of running around
(12:11):
stressing the whole day and figuring out,well, oh, my gosh, I need to go change this
diaper.
And so, and so is fighting, and I need to make
dinner, like, just, you know, time off whereyou can just relax.
Like, maybe instead of having to change amillion diapers, I get to read a book for
today or go out on a run and take a nap, youknow?
(12:33):
But the problem that we have today is thatMother's Day, and as this author points out,
grandmother's Day has kind of become blended.
So it becomes this fraught holiday of what do
we do?How do we handle it to where no one's feelings
(12:53):
are hurt?One suggestion that this person makes is
instead of making Mother's Day about themothers in law, you celebrate grandparents
day.
And she says that grandparents day falls on
the first Sunday after Labor Day, which is agood time for family get together.
September weather is usually prime and thegrandkids can share their back to school
(13:16):
stories.
Grandparents day was not intended to be a gift
giving holiday, but in instead was conceivedas a day for grandparents and grandchildren to
celebrate each other.
We like to have a backyard cookout or just go
to the park.
And one thing that she pointed out, which I
think is a good thing to remember, is that fora lot of mothers in law and older moms whose
(13:40):
kids are now grown up, they're not reallywanting on Mother's Day to be doted on.
And maybe I can just feel all the commentsfrom people who are like, no, my mother in law
wants all this stuff.
But seriously, I think that for the most part,
all they want is time spent together.
(14:00):
They aren't looking to have, like, all the
gifts and the crazy things.
They just want to know that they're remembered
and that they're still important and they'restill cared for.
So that's where, again, you make time.
Maybe you do say, hey, from now on, we're
(14:21):
going to do grandparents day.
Or instead, another example is a Mother's day
weekend where she says, if we stretch out theholiday for whole weekend, we can fit everyone
in.
Why should we wait until Sunday to celebrate?
If there is an extended family lunch or brunchon Saturday, mom can have her Sunday
celebration all to herself.
Or, this is a great idea, a Saturday pedicure
(14:42):
or spa treatment for moms and grand momssounds like a blast.
I also love the idea of finding a quaint spotfor Saturday afternoon tea and inviting all
the girls in the family.
These are all like great, great ideas.
And again, I think the point comes down toeveryone wants to feel appreciated, everyone
wants to know that they matter.
(15:04):
And I mean, you know, it's hard for, I think,
a lot of us younger moms to understand how itfeels for someone whose children are adults.
(15:26):
I think it's everyone's worst nightmare thatyour kids grow up and they forget about you.
So that's probably where a lot of this angstover Mother's Day.
And no, don't forget me.
Just because my kids are grown doesn't mean
that I don't matter anymore.
That's where that comes from, because you
(15:47):
don't want to be forgotten.
I don't think that for most older moms, it is
an issue of wanting to deprive their daughterin law of the spotlight, so to speak.
I think that in their minds, they're probablythinking, well, we're all spending time
(16:08):
together.
What's wrong with that?
And I think that they're not realizing thatall spending time together is a great idea,
except for the fact that it's the daughter inlaw having to run around and arrange
everything.
And this is where, again, if men would step up
and do all of the arranging, and mother in lawand wife could both just chill and hang out
and enjoy the celebration, it'd probably be alot different.
(16:30):
But anyway, so that's where I think you have,again, this, this clash of everyone wants to
matter, everyone wants to feel appreciated andloved.
(16:51):
And another thing that I think is a reallyimportant thing to remember, too, with my
Jacksonville mom article.
A lot of people responded that, well, I should
say a lot of the older moms whose sons are nowgrown up were saying, you know, no, no,
Mother's day is the day that you celebrateyour mom.
(17:11):
You know, your kids should be doing stuff foryou.
But here on parents.com, there is something tobe pointed out.
When your kids are young, they can't doanything for you.
I mean, they just don't know how to, that it'snot a thing.
Your kids are adults and then they understand,oh, I need to get my mom a gift or whatever.
(17:36):
But I mean, a toddler is not going to, I mean,what are they.
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you for the handprint on a sheet
of paper that I'm going to have to keep trackof for the next like 20 years.
Here on parents.com, she mentions, you know,toddlers don't know the difference between
weekdays and weekends.
So I hardly imagine that simply because it's
(17:57):
Mother's day will mean they won't want whenthey want what they want when they want it,
like every other day of their lives.
And she goes on to mention, I know what you're
thinking.
What about my husband?
Can't he form a cleanup crew with older kidsand give me a break?
Maybe.
I mean, stranger things have happened.
But I know I'm not alone when I say I want himto figure that out rather than carrying the
(18:21):
mental load of telling him what he should do.
And that's, again, where we have this issue
where, you know, these, these moms whose kidsare grown up are now saying, well, you know,
it's, it's not meant for, for your husband tocelebrate you.
It's for your kids to celebrate you.
And that's very true.
(18:41):
But then you also have the problem of how,who's going to do that when your kid is, you
know, six years old.
And most of the time, what you have is this
difference where the older moms want time withall their families and the younger moms want
(19:02):
time off because again, they're in thetrenches.
And then what you end up having is thisproblem with disappointment again.
Going back to this parents.com article, it'seasier to expect nothing and be surprised by,
say, my husband getting me flowers or my kidsinsisting that I don't do dishes rather than
just skulk around in disappointment that noone gets it.
(19:24):
The truth is, I'm already disappointed, butmostly in myself.
My expectations are so low this mother's day,making me wonder if I don't value myself like
I should.
Why didn't I book a winery tour with friends
like my sister did or plan a spa day like myneighbor did?
Instead, I have resigned myself to anothermother's Day filled with activities that won't
(19:45):
be about me and what I might want to do.
I'm trying to make everyone else happy.
Does this sound familiar to anyone readingthis?
I thought so.
And there again, you get to the crux of the
issue is that moms are designed to reallyspend our days running around taking care of
everyone else.
So for Mother's Day, it becomes another day
(20:07):
where we have to run around and take care ofeveryone else.
Except on this occasion, not only are wetaking care of our children, but we're also
taking care of our mother and our mother inlaw.
So it just turns out to be this stressful,disappointing, sad scenario for a lot of
(20:31):
women.
And really, it just doesn't have to be that
way.
It can be something where, you know, again,
maybe like the, the one article said, and Iwill make sure, by the way, to include all of
(20:58):
these articles for everyone to, to read in theshow notes, maybe, yeah, you do something this
Saturday beforehand, or maybe you decide, hey,we're going to be celebrating grandmother's
day instead.
Point being, everyone just wants to be
(21:19):
appreciated and they don't want to have to goaround doing everything else for everyone
else.
So for moms, we just want to have the ability
to kind of take a break and know that we'reremembered and we're cared.
And then for the older moms, they just want toknow they're not forgotten.
(21:40):
And so this is where the problem here is.
Not with the women who are being kind of
pitted against each other in the media, butit's for the husbands to be stepping up and
making sure that that's not what's happeninganymore.
(22:04):
The problem here is that it is far too commonculturally for women to, for the young moms
who are in the trenches of parenthood, they'refinding it their responsibility to make
Mother's Day amazing for their mother in law.
And the problem there really isn't with the
(22:24):
mother in law.
And that's something that needs to be changed
and addressed.
The problem isn't that the mother in law wants
to feel special.
It's that the mom in the trenches is the one
doing all the work and she's not getting abreak and she's not getting appreciated.
And I really feel like if more men were tostep up and say, hey, I'm going to take care
(22:48):
of figuring out a present for my mom, youdon't need to do it this year.
And I will arrange the brunch and I'm going totake all the kids over to my mom's house so
she can play with them.
And you'll get a few hours apiece.
We wouldn't have this divide where it's momsagainst grandmothers.
This isn't about women needing to figure outwhere the right place to go is.
(23:18):
It's just, again, another, I think, symptom ofhow women moms really are expected to do
everything for everyone.
And even on Mother's Day, even on Mother's
Day, the day that we are supposed to becelebrated and cherished and honored, that
still happens.
So maybe on Mother's Day, this one time of the
(23:39):
year, this could be the time where the dadscan step up and make sure that all the moms in
their lives are feeling honored instead ofmaking your wife run around and do it.
And then I think we will see a lot less ofthese angst filled articles or arguments on
TikTok about who needs to do what and whereand when and who's the most important.
(24:03):
You know, if we didn't leave it on moms to doeverything, including on Mother's Day, this
argument would disappear.
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
(24:24):
Make sure to subscribe so you never miss out.
Leave us a review and share to help other momsfly.
Find us thanks for stopping by the Firefliesand Whoopie Pie podcast, the only podcast by
south central PA moms for south central PAmoms.
Until next time.
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