June 7, 2023 • 39 mins
Season 1 Finale
Gareth trades in his teaching jacket for an air navy uniform. Trusting his crew, he pits their new airship against the pirate forces threatening his home. Ripples begin to spread through the fabric of Hadronus society as the Royal Mascalian Air Navy returns.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[VDM logo music][Quack-quack hiss]
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents, Gareth
Gareth and the Lost Island.Episode 11 - Revenge of the Linguist
Disclaimer:
This audio drama should be considered ratedPG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,
(00:31):
consuming questionable potions, brief momentsof violence,
crude language, and even cruder humor.
Please use caution when listening in public,as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for anystrained abdominal muscles you may receive
(00:52):
while listening, or the strange looks youmight get from other commuters. If laughter
persists for more than four hours, seek immediatemedical attention.
[theme]
(01:28):
[taxi landing]
RENEE (01:34):
Captain Mintel, we have arrived at the dry docks.
GARETH (01:37):
Captain… that is going to take some getting used to. Alright, the first thing
we need to do is find Elizabeth, Pilot, andSheldon. After that, we’ll see what needs
to be done to get the new airship off theground.
[ramp lowering]
IZZY (01:55):
Found Lizard Breath, at least I think I did.
GARETH (02:00):
Why aren’t you certain? Whoa. I see why you hesitated. Elizabeth must
be loving that new arm. If it wasn’t forthe gray metal casing, it almost looks like
a normal arm. It even has five fingers.
IZZY (02:13):
New arm? Oh, I didn’t notice it.
TEESH (02:17):
You didn’t notice she wasn’t packing that clockwork nightmare anymore?
IZZY (02:21):
I was more focused on her face. It looks like they covered her scars with a mesh made
from the same metal as her arm. She’s triedto be so strong all these years, but I know how
much she hates those scars. They even replacedher false eye with a red lens just like Kevin’s.
Gareth is it ok....?
GARETH (02:43):
Go, we’ll catch up in a bit.
[Izzy runs to hug Elizabeth]
TALNIS (02:47):
I probably don’t need to say this, but if you lose that special lass of yours,
I will have Henry smack you upside the headwith Mr. Smashy.
GARETH (02:57):
If I drive Izzy away, I’ll ask him to do it myself.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:00):
I’ll be glad to do it too.
TEESH (03:03):
If you three are done being mushy, it looks like they’re done hugging, since
Pilot and Sheldon joined them. Izzy’s wavingat us, too.
GARETH (03:11):
[chuckle] After you, Mistress Teesh.
[the group walks, rolls, and flies to theMorgana sisters]
ELIZABETH (03:17):
Let’s get on board the ship so the Professor can turn it on, and then hand
it over to me as the real Captain.
GARETH (03:23):
That’s not how this is going to work, Ms. Morgana.
ELIZABETH (03:28):
Look at him, kid gets dressed up like some sort of soldier, and he suddenly
thinks he’s a real captain. You got yourchance to play dress up, Professor, and now
it’s time for the grownups to get some workdone.
DAR-C (03:42):
I’m going to smack that smirk off her face so hard, she’ll have to get more
mesh to cover the other side!
GARETH (03:49):
Thanks, but I’ve got this DAR-C. Elizabeth Morgana, that ship in there is part
of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy. As SeniorCaptain in the Air Navy, I am taking command
of her to defend the Island of Mascal. Ifyou interfere with that, I will have Kevin
take you into custody until such time as wereturn from the battle.
(04:11):
[two steps]
Now stand down and step aside!
ELIZABETH (04:16):
As you wish, Captain. Have fun trying to run a ship without a crew.
You know, my crew.
IZZY (04:24):
I can’t believe I ever looked up to you, Lizard Breath.
[walking to Gareth]
Captain Mintel, Chief Engineer Morgana, reporting for duty, sir.
GARETH (04:35):
Welcome to the crew, Engineer.
[Tralnis walking to Gareth]
TALNIS (04:40):
Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, reporting for duty as Ship’s Surgeon, Captain.
GARETH (04:47):
Good, because I wouldn’t trust my crew’s health to anyone else.
[Barefoot walking on stone]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (04:53):
You are my brother in all ways that matter.
GARETH (04:58):
I know you will always have my back, like I’ll always have yours.
PILOT (05:02):
I hope that someday you will forgive me, former Captain of the Glorious Dawn, but
I have seen the ship we are discussing. Itwould be foolish of me not to seize this opportunity.
[walking to Gareth]
Professor who is now a captain, I am a son of the people of Roehus. I wish to serve
as the pilot for the unnamed ship awaitingus in dry dock.
GARETH (05:21):
As Captain of the airship, I accept your vow of service,
the man who is once again a pilot.
SHELDON (05:30):
[right eye] Before you try and guilt us into taking your
side, you should know we’ve always thoughtyou grew up to be kind of bitch, Liz. Plus,
there is no way in hells we are giving upHenry’s cooking.
[heavy footsteps]
TEESH (05:45):
Yeah, as if I would stay here with Ms. Resting Grump Face.
Gareth, do you have a spot onboard for me?
GARETH (05:52):
We would be lost without you, Teesh.
TEESH (05:55):
[muttering] If that’s not the biggest understatement
of the millennium, I don't know what is.
DAR-C (05:59):
Captain,… RENE, Kevin, and I were wondering if you were going to
allow Automatons as part of your crew.
GARETH (06:06):
Of course, you’re Mascalians, just like me. Welcome to the crew , you three.
[Kevin rolling forward quickly, mechanicalhugging]
[Gareth gasp]
KEVIN (06:15):
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
GARETH (06:18):
[struggling to breathe] Can’t… breathe… Kevin.
[Kevin drops Gareth]
KEVIN (06:23):
Sorry.
GARETH (06:26):
I seem to have my crew, Miss Morgana. I only need to fill one more position to make
it complete. As it stands, I’m in desperateneed of a good First Officer willing to kick
me in the ass when I do something stupid.
ELIZABETH (06:40):
[weary sigh] Knowing my luck, if I stay behind, you’ll
destroy the new ship pulling it out of drydock. I’ll either starve to death, or be
killed by pirates. If I go with you, I’llat least get to keep an eye on my baby sister.
[walking]
[another sigh] First Officer Elizabeth Morgana reporting for duty.
GARETH (07:06):
Okay, crew, let’s go see our new airship.
[scene change music]
IZZY (07:16):
I’ll never get over how many different types of Automatons are here.
For instance, this lot all look like giant caterpillars with hands at the ends of their legs.
[metal legs scuttling]
ALEX (07:28):
Captain Mintel, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you again.
GARETH (07:33):
Are there any Automatons on this Island who didn’t know me as a child?
RENE (07:37):
DAR-C 254 and I came online after the Blight finally died off.
ALEX (07:43):
I only know you because your Aunt Moira, our head airship designer, brought you in
to show you off shortly after you were born.She brought you in a second time after you
licked that charged Aetherium tube. Moiraboasted
that you were born to bean engineer like her.
GARETH (07:59):
Actually, I’m a linguist.
ALEX (08:01):
I see… oh well, no one’s perfect I suppose.
Were the Spider-eyes correct in telling usthat you plan to take your aunt’s masterpiece
into battle on its maiden voyage?
GARETH (08:14):
I’m afraid so.
ALEX (08:16):
How exciting! Since you are all going into combat soon, I’ll give you the condensed
tour. Follow me please.
[scuttling, doors slide open, group follows,door closes]
IZZY (08:33):
Oh, wow!
ELIZABETH (08:35):
She’s beautiful.
TALNIS (08:37):
I have some cousins who are engineers. They’ll be pissing themselves in envy that
I get to work on an airship like that.
PILOT (08:45):
First Officer, now you see why I couldn’t turn down an opportunity such as this.
GARETH (08:50):
This is the first Mascalian airship to fly in nearly 13,000 years. Not only will
it defend this island’s inhabitants, itwill show the rest of Hadronus that WE have
returned. An airship with that much responsibilityon her shoulders deserves a name with a proud
legacy to match it.
Crew, welcome to the HMS Glorious Dawn, thenew flagship of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy.
IZZY (09:19):
Gareth, I… her name… oh the hells with it!
[kiss]
ALEX (09:28):
[clears throat]
IZZY (09:29):
We’ll continue this discussion later, Captain.
ALEX (09:35):
This is the first of the Golden Swan class battleships. She runs off of Dark Magic
charged Aetherium, and can out fly anythingwe had built previously. A copy of Center’s
personality runs the minor systems on theship allowing her to have a far smaller crew
than what would normally be seen on a shipher size.
(09:56):
As a multipurpose combat vessel, the GloriousDawn is armed with the latest in anti-wizard
technology. Her primary defense is the hull,which is made of a special copper and steel
alloy designed to conduct Light magic poorly.Even though she only boasts three guns, the
Glorious Dawn’s offensive capacity is equalto a ship four times her size.
ELIZABETH (10:18):
I only see two guns on deck. Where is the third one?
ALEX (10:24):
Look at the bottom of the aft section. The tail gun over there works by dropping
metal balls from a hopper into the barrel.Magic is then sent into the repulsion rune
carved at the rear of the barrel. The repulsionrune throws a metal sphere slightly faster,
and farther, than the gunpowder fueled weaponsthese modern pirates seem to favor. By using
(10:45):
magic instead of gunpowder, we were able toincrease the rate of fire to a little under
two shots per second.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Mine, mine, mine. (10:52):
undefined
GARETH (10:55):
[chuckling] Henry says he’s calling dibs on the tail gun.
ALEX (10:59):
The heavy cannon on the fore deck is mounted to a disc which rotates 360 degrees.
It works on a similar principle to the tailgun. Instead of gravity fed balls, it has
to be loaded from the rear with 20-pound shells.
GARETH (11:15):
What’s that strange machine with all the mirrors and black half domes at the
back of the airship?
ALEX (11:22):
Captain Mintel, the final gun was your aunt’s greatest achievement. One we thought
might win the Wizard War for us.
GARETH (11:31):
How so?
ALEX (11:33):
We were taking a pounding from the Wizards. The more powerful of the bastards could raise
magical shields that would block everythingwe could throw at them. Moira realized that
the Wizards were able to see what they weredoing, and tried to come up with a way to
use that against them.The answer came when your aunt was watching
(11:53):
her wife burn a design into a piece of woodusing only a magnifying glass and sunlight.
Moira brought her idea to the Technomancers,and together they built the Sunlight Collection
and Focusing Array Weapon or S-C-F-A-W.
None of us were able to say that fast, sowe just ended up calling it the Sun Gun.
ELIZABETH (12:14):
So how does it work?
ALEX (12:16):
The black dome halves collect and store sunlight throughout the day. When fired, the
stored sunlight is fed into the focusing crystalsand mirror arrays to blast out a beam of light.
The output can be anywhere from 30 feet wide,able to blind an enemy crew, down to a beam
no thicker than a sewing needle. The heatof the thinnest setting is capable of cutting
(12:40):
through solid metal.
PILOT (12:42):
Little Automaton foreman, how effective is this weapon in actual combat?
ALEX (12:47):
We haven’t got a clue. Like most of the ship, it’s a prototype, and we never
got a chance to try it out before the dockwent into null-entropy mode.
TALNIS (12:55):
Is there anything on this ship that isn’t a prototype?
ALEX (13:00):
The ship is powered by a chunk of the original Void Stone that gave the Mascalians
their abilities. Almost all of the systemshad to be redesigned to accept direct Dark
Magic energy.
Now that I think about it, the only thingswhich aren’t prototypes are the loos.
You can poop with confidence knowing the crappersare tried and true technology.
SHELDON (13:21):
[right eye] We are soooo going to die. Is it too late
to switch back to working for Captain Scary?
GARETH, IZZY, PILOT, TALNIS, TEESH: YES! (13:27):
undefined
SHELDON (13:29):
[right eye] Sheesh...just asking.
ALEX (13:30):
May we continue?
GARETH (13:32):
Lead on. I'd like to…
[ominous music][heavy metal footsteps]
Oh, K’nknknk!
PILOT (13:40):
My sentiments exactly, Captain.
[Chompers testing out his weapons one by one]
GARETH (13:59):
Alright, who thought it was a good idea to give the homicidal skull a new body?!
KEVIN (14:05):
I did. I found the skull in the wreckage of your old airship. He didn’t have a body
anymore, so I took him to the manufacturingplant, and let him pick out a new one.
DAR-C (14:16):
You gave a Guardian Skeleton the body of a Mark 5 Hunter/Killer because you
felt sorry for him?
KEVIN (14:24):
Uh-huh.
DAR-C (14:26):
Well biologicals, it’s been nice knowing y'all.
[metal stomping]
CHOMPERS (14:36):
I pledge my service to Chef Henry of the Wooha Clan, and offer my ridiculous
amount of weapons to sliceand dice and julienne his enemies.
[end ominous music]
ELIZABETH (14:50):
What just happened?
GARETH (14:52):
Um… I think Henry just gained the most terrifying Sous-chef on Hadronus.
ELIZABETH (14:58):
Oh. That’s good.
ALEX (15:01):
Captain, you and Engineer Morgana need to take those stairs down to the engine room.
I’ll show the others where their posts are.
GARETH (15:10):
Thank you, um… I’m sorry. I forgot to ask your name.
ALEX (15:15):
That’s quite alright, Captain. They call me… Alex.
TEESH (15:20):
What does A-L-E-X stand for?
[superhero fanfare]
ALEX (15:24):
I stand for truth, justice, and the Mascalian way!
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I get asked thatquestion a lot by my fellow Automatons. Truth
is, I just liked the name.
[scene change music]
GARETH (15:45):
I’d be lucky to recognize one part in twenty in this engine room.
IZZY (15:51):
Really? It doesn’t look that different from what I’m used to. Techno-magical laws
are constants, so there wouldn’t be thatmuch variance between their engines and ours.
The only differences are the DM convertersand whatever that pillar
in the center of the room is.
GARETH (16:06):
You lost me after, ‘Really?’
IZZY (16:09):
[blows raspberry] From the indented handprint on this side of
the pillar, I’m guessing this is where youprove you’re a Mascalian.
GARETH (16:18):
OK, but if it opens up a trapdoor that leads to a blood thirsty, venomous duck,
I’m going to be really disappointed.Don’t give me that look, Izzy.
You didn't see it in action.Fine, I’ll press the button.
[steps forward, places hand on pillar, magicaltone]
CENTRAL (16:39):
Moaghaoar saghoaaumo a'r ho Maor roarlariy rromaraoc, siysorl soamagh aun.
GARETH (16:47):
Speak in Trade, please, we have a multi-species crew.
CENTRAL (16:51):
Acknowledged, Captain Mintel.
IZZY (16:53):
Time to get this party started!
[flicking switches, turning cranks]
And finally, to charge the Aetherium tubes, we throw this lever!
[Lever thrown, pause, lever thrown, pause,lever thrown quickly several times]
I don’t know what’s wrong. I did everything in the right order!
CENTRAL (17:17):
Engineer, I suggest you employ a kinetic displacement to the central column
to align the rune arrays.
IZZY (17:23):
You want me to do what?
GARETH (17:25):
He wants you to align the rune array with a kinetic displacement…
you know, kick it.
IZZY (17:32):
Quick question. If it breaks, do I have to pay for it?
GARETH (17:36):
Um… no.
[Izzy kicks pillar, engine room comes to life]
IZZY (17:42):
Good to know some repair techniques stand the test of time.
[scene change music]
[minnow propeller]
PIRATE 1 (17:52):
Next time, you get to pedal this damned thing, and I’ll hold the rifle.
PIRATE 2 (17:57):
Quit complaining, and be thankful I talked the captain out of sending us into
that hells spawned lightning storm like therest of our mates. All we have to do is drift
around in our minnow, and watch to see ifanything makes it back out.
PIRATE 1 (18:12):
Yeah… yeah, you’re best. Blessed by the gods with a silver tongue.
PIRATE 2 (18:17):
Your mum seemed to think so last night.
PIRATE 1 (18:21):
Well… your mum’s so fat, she could be causing that huge disruption rising
towards us from the clouds below.
PIRATE 2 (18:28):
Pedal faster you idiot! That’s an airship, and it ain’t one of ours!
[lightning strikes as the HMS GD slowly risesout the storm clouds]
PILOT (18:41):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, we are breaking through the clouds now. Also, I must
reiterate again how delightful it is to havea chair to sit in while performing my duties.
GARETH (18:50):
No need, Pilot, these are really nice chairs.
[Captain Kirk impression]Mine’s… even big enough… to lean…
to one side, and look… like I’m havingdeep, tactical thoughts.
PILOT (19:01):
Are you feeling well, Captain of the Glorious Dawn. Shall I use the speaking tubes
and call the short doctor to the bridge?
GARETH (19:07):
No, I'm fine. I’m not sure what came over me. However, I do need to use the
speaking tube system.
As soon as I figure out which one is the all-ship tube.
Ah-ha, found it!
[speaking tube]We will be engaging the enemy any minute now.
Henry, the minnows are yours. Tralnis andSheldon, you two use the heavy cannon to take
(19:29):
out the frigates. First Officer Morgana, usethe Sun gun to disable the destroyer.
Unfortunately, we don’t have enough supplies to take prisoners,
so unless we manage to take their ships without destroying them, no quarter is to be given.
Let’s hope fate is with us, but even ifshe isn’t, I have faith in this airship,
(19:53):
and even more faith in my crew.
Everyone to battle stations.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (20:01):
Keep an eye on Teesh, Chompers,
she likes to sneak off to places she shouldn’t be.
CHOMPERS (20:06):
None will harm her, but I look forward to killing those who try.
TEESH (20:13):
Be careful, Mr. Fuzzy Bottom.
[barefoot running, sliding down ladder, seatbelt buckling, switches being flipped]
[tail gun fires, minnow explodes]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (20:35):
Nice, not as nice as nice Mr. Smashy, but it’ll do.
[tail gun fires]
Heh, heh, works just as good on the pirates as their dirigibles.
[ricochet]
Oh no you didn’t!
(20:56):
[tail gun fires, ballast bags cut, minnowrockets skywards]
PIRATE 1 and 2 (21:01):
[receding screams as their minnow shoots upwards]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (21:02):
Damn, only got their ballast bags, oh well.
PIRATE 2 (21:07):
Got to time this jump just right!
Don't want to end up like my cousin Leeroy.
[grunt as he jumps, lands on the deck of theHMS GD]
Thank the gods and their wizards, I made it.
I don’t see any crew other than that Dwarfsitting on a seat attached to that huge cannon,
and whatever that monster is loading the thing.
(21:28):
If I take this ship me self, I’ll get firstpick of the booty.
Nothing personal, Dwarf, but it’s time todie.
Okay, line up the shot, deep breath, and squeeze…
[rapid tank treads approaches]
What the hells is that?!
(21:49):
[rifle shot, ricochet off Kevin]
KEVIN (21:52):
You will not hurt Kevin’s friend.
PIRATE 2 (21:54):
[long scream cuts off as Kevin punches through pirate]
KEVIN (21:58):
Ewe! He’s stuck on my arm.
[Kevin swings arm, body slips off]
TALNIS (22:07):
What’s going on over there? I can’t see around you, Sheldon.
SHELDON (22:11):
[left eye] Nothing much, just Kevin taking care of some trash on the deck.
[right eye] Fire when ready, Doc.
TRALNIS (22:16):
I’m not a doctor for the moment. I plan on doing plenty of harm.
[main gun fires, misses frigate]
SHELDON (22:27):
[left eye] Great shot, Doc!
TRALNIS (22:29):
Damn it, Sheldon! I’m a doctor, not an artillery gunner!
NARRATOR (22:33):
Tralnis felt that odd tingle again in his bones as the stellar magic took hold.
Aboard the frigate, a pirate holding a cannonball ready for the next shot suddenly lost
his grip, and dropped the iron sphere on thefoot of an unfortunately dressed pirate wearing
a red shirt next to him.
[cannon ball dropped, bone breaks]
The red shirted pirate hopped on one foot in pain, and shifted so he was right
(22:59):
in front of the cannon as it was fired.
[cannon fires, wet sploosh]
Similar to other red shirts across the multiverse, he had a split second to look
down at the gaping hole through his chestbefore dying.
TALNIS (23:12):
I think I got the aiming down now, load another shot.
SHELDON (23:16):
[right eye] Eye, eye, Mr. Granitestaff
TRALNIS (23:18):
[snicker]
SHELDON (23:19):
[left eye] Hey! How come he laughs when you say it?!
[right eye] Talent and timing. Now shut up, and keep swiveling,
we don’t want any targets sneaking up on us.
[main gun fires, explosion with wood debrislanding]
TRALNIS (23:37):
Yes! This is almost as much fun as drinking ale. Seriously, I’m starting to
sport a stalagmite in my trousers.
SHELDON (23:46):
[right eye] T-M-I, Doc.
NARRATOR (23:49):
Meanwhile on the other end of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (23:54):
Damn it! I can’t get a clear shot at the destroyer. That stupid frigate
won’t move out of the way! Fine! If it wantsto be that way, I’ll just do something about
it. Let’s see what the wide beam does.
[sun gun powers up, wide beam shot]
PIRATE 3 (24:20):
My eyes!
PIRATE 4 (24:23):
Look out you fool; you're going to hit the wheel!
[wheel turns, frigate slews to the side, cannonfire, wood exploding]
TALNIS (24:34):
Not bad. Elizabeth managed to get them to shoot their own ship, and it looks
like the shot went straight through to theirengine room. That leaves one last frigate.
Come on boys, we can’t let her show us up.Load one of the flammable spheres.
[main gun fires, gas explosion]
TRALNIS (25:02):
Take that you pirate bastards!
[three cannon blasts, HMS GD rocks as armortakes the hits]
Whoa! Our turn now. Sheldon, switch back to the
explosive spheres.
NARRATOR (25:14):
In the wheelhouse of the pirate destroyer.
PIRATE CAPTAIN (25:17):
Damn! That ship’s got some strong armor. No matter, we’ll punch through
it eventually. Ha! They know it too. They’returning tail and running away.
Wait… why are they stopping their turn?
(25:38):
Oh shit! They’re setting up a broadside!Evasive maneuvers!
Turn! Turn! They’re aiming that bloody monstrouscannon at our wheelhouse! Turn dammit turn!
[distant main gun firing, wheelhouse exploding]
NARRATOR (26:00):
Back on the bridge of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (26:05):
Looks like they’re waving several white flags.
[sigh of relief] [puts down spyglass]
[speaking tube] All guns standby while we approach the destroyer and the frigates.
Kevin, Chompers, Izzy, join me on deck.
We’ll serve as the boardingparty to accept their surrender.
[scene change music]
Chompers, Kevin, you’re providing security while we accept their surrender.
(26:29):
They are pirates, and I wouldn’t put itpast them to try something. Oh, and Chompers,
no killing until after they try something.
CHOMPERS (26:38):
Fine. [walking, heavy mech walking, tank treads]
GARETH (26:46):
Who is the ranking officer here?
PIRATE 4 (26:47):
Um, you are, sir?
GARETH (26:50):
No, I mean who speaks for you as your leader?
PIRATE 4 (26:54):
Don’t rightly know, sir. Most of the officers were in the wheelhouse when
you went and blew it up. The only remainingofficer is our cook, and no one listens to
that scaly prick.
GARETH (27:05):
Regardless, he’s still your senior officer. Somebody go get him.
[scuffle in the crowd, Egite is pushed forward]
EGITE (27:15):
Isadora Morgana! This is all your fault! I was supposed to get my pick of your crew
as slaves if I placed the tracking disc onthat worthless piece of garbage you called
an airship! I’ll kill you for this!
[running forward, metal clang][Egite choking]
KEVIN (27:35):
Captain Gareth and Engineer Izzy are my friends. I don’t like it when people
try to hurt my friends. What would you likeme to do with him, Captain Gareth?
GARETH (27:45):
Same thing you would do with any other trash from the galley, Kevin. Toss it overboard.
[tank treads, tossing Egite overboard, wilhelmscream, pirates cheer]
IZZY (28:02):
Yeah, we had pretty much the same reaction when Egite got kicked off of our ship.
GARETH (28:06):
I’m going to give you lot three options. The first is to remain on this ship
until we tow it into the air space of a countrynot so fond of pirates. The second is to queue
up and join Egite. The third option is toquit your pirating ways, and agree to become
farmers on the island on the other side ofthis storm. If you choose the latter, you’ll
(28:32):
have to eat shipped in rations until we canget enough crops grown. On the plus side,
I will grant you full amnesty, and a housefar nicer than what most merchants live in.
PIRATE 4 (28:43):
I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say that being a farmer sounds
mighty good, sir. [nervous laugh]
[scene change music]
GARETH (28:56):
Thank you all for meeting me in the briefing room. I want to start out by saying
thank you, to all of you, for your hard workin the month since we got our ex-pirates settled in.
Next, after discussing with First OfficerMorgana how the old Glorious Dawn was run,
I learned that issues having major ramificationsfor both the ship, and crew, were normally
(29:16):
brought to a vote. I plan on followingher example, and put forward something I'd
like to do. Something that will most likelyend up with the Island Republic of Draconia
putting a price on all our heads.
IZZY (29:29):
[snorts as she stats to snicker]
ELIZABETH (29:32):
[chuckle]
ELIZABETH, IZZY, SHELDON, PILOT: [full laughter] (29:33):
undefined
ELIZABETH (29:35):
[catching her breath] Gods, that was good. I haven’t laughed like
that in a long time.
IZZY (29:41):
[recovering from laughing] Sorry for laughing, Gareth. It’s just that
aside from Pilot, the rest of us from theold crew all have bounties on us from
one place or another.
PILOT (29:53):
Engineer of the Glorious Dawn, that is not an accurate statement. The Sultan of
Brosh has offered a rather large sum for mycapture.
ELIZABETH (29:59):
I never knew that. What did you do to anger the Sultan?
PILOT (30:04):
First Officer of the Glorious Dawn, a true son of Roehus does not kiss and tell.
IZZY (30:09):
Look at you, Pilot.
Gareth, what I’m trying to say is one morebounty won’t make that much of a difference,
especially one from the IRD. Nutless alreadyblacklisted us from the shipping guild.
TRALNIS (30:25):
Why did Dick Nutless blacklist you anyway?
ELIZABETH (30:28):
I refused his repeated offers to go back to his mansion for a quick tumble
while his wife visited an inn near the University.
TRALNIS (30:38):
Huh… small world.
IZZY (30:40):
Why do you say that?
GARETH (30:42):
I’ll explain later. Alright, well
does anyone here have any objections to committing
what will most definitely be seen as a serious crime?
IZZY (30:53):
Gareth, this crew will follow you through an
extended tour of the 34 layers of hell. We’re in.
TRALNIS (30:59):
Here, here.
DAR-C (31:00):
Captain, we’re with you until the Dwarves stop drinking.
GARETH (31:05):
Alright, here’s my plan…
[scene change music]
[crowd murmuring]
DEAN (31:15):
My fellow Professors, I bid you welcome to the ribbon cutting ceremony of what is
most assuredly a welcome addition to our fineUniversity. Thanks to the leadership of Professor
Nutleiss, and the generous gift from hisbrother, we now have a place to sequester
ourselves away from the throngs of studentswho plague our daily lives. Unfortunately,
(31:40):
Professor Nutleiss was unable to attend, butwe welcome his brother, Deek, to the grounds
of our great University.
[mild applause]
After Magnate Nutleiss cuts the ribbon,
we will let the staff into the building tostart scheduling appointments for manicures,
pedicures, back waxing, and happy ending massages.
(32:03):
[bigger applause, applause peters out, shockedgasps]
DEEK NUTLEISS (32:07):
My gods! What kind of airship is that? I’ve never seen anything like it.
It’s coming right at us!
DEAN (32:14):
Calm yourself, Magnate Nutleiss. If they meant us harm, they wouldn’t be approaching
so slowly. Look, there’s even someone standingby the railing. I, for one, am looking forward
to meeting whomever that magnificent airshipbelongs to.
That man in the black uniform at the railing, he looks familiar. Where do I know
(32:39):
him from? Wait… Professor Mintel?
GARETH (32:43):
Oh, hello, Dean, Nutless, fancy meeting you here.
DEEK NUTLEISS (32:48):
What are you doing here, boy!?
GARETH (32:51):
Sorry, Dick, I thought your brother would have mentioned it to you. You see, I
promised to return when I had proof that Ihad found the Lost Island of Mascal.
DEEK NUTLEISS (33:01):
Do you honestly think some silly costume, and a big airship, is enough
to convince us you actually found an islandthat has been lost for over 13,000 years?
GARETH (33:13):
Not at all, in fact, I suspected that closed minded fools like yourselves would
need more convincing.
Members of the University Arcanum and guests,I would like to introduce you to some friends
of mine. RENE, DAR-C, Kevin, come over hereand say hello to the not so nice humans.
[steampunk robot walking, tank treads, flying][gasp from the crowd]
KEVIN (33:40):
Hello, not so nice humans. I would ask you to be my friends,
but you were mean to Captain Gareth.
DEEK NUTLEISS (33:48):
How dare you bring such abominations here?!
DEAN (33:51):
Shut up, Nutless. This is the discovery of several lifetimes.
Well, done my boy, well done! I never doubtedfor a minute you would be up to the task of
finding Mascal. I hereby grant you tenureshipwith the University Arcanum effective immediately,
(34:12):
and welcome you into the fellowship of SeniorProfessors.
GARETH (34:16):
Yeah, about my position at the University… I quit.
I have a new job as Captain of the HMS GloriousDawn. A duty I hope to continue to perform
for a good number of years.
DEAN (34:31):
What?! You can’t just quit after making the greatest discovery in the last 13,000
years! Think about what you can do for theUniversity, my dear boy!
GARETH (34:43):
Oh, don’t worry, Dean. I would never think of leaving the University Arcanum without
some sort of parting gift. Dr. Granitestaff…First Officer Morgana, please give the University
Arcanum, and Magnate Nutless, the gift ofseeing what happens when you annoy the crew
of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (35:03):
It will be my pleasure, Captain.
TALNIS (35:06):
Oooooh, I’m going to enjoy this.
[main gun fires, building explosion, tightbeam sun gun, objects catching fire]
ELIZABETH (35:27):
So much for the Nutless spa. Time to head inside and get as much shielding between
me and the Profes… Captain, as I can.
[hurried footsteps, door opens and closes]
GARETH (35:40):
Cheer up, Dean. At least the spa will go down in history as being the first ground
target destroyed by the Royal Mascalian AirNavy in over 13,000 years.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (35:50):
Don’t forget your promise, Gareth.
GARETH (35:53):
Oh yeah, you’re right, Henry. I did promise, didn’t I. Thank you for reminding me.
[simian grunt, two swishes, two wet splats]
That’s a good look for you two. Henry, head back inside and join the others.
I’ll be along in just a moment.
[barefoot footsteps receding, door opens andcloses]
Before we leave, I would like to say one final word.
DEEK NUTLEISS (36:17):
And what word would that be?
GARETH (36:20):
Ta’shennish!
[magic noise]
DEEK NUTLEISS (36:23):
Noooooo!
[farts and moans, recedes][door opens and closes]
[walking]
PILLOT (36:36):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I have spotted police airships being scrambled
from the airship port.
GARETH (36:41):
In that case, Pilot, I suggest you get us out of here.
[power building up, drops off]
[sigh] [picks up speaking tube]
Izzy, any chance of you getting us some powerup here?
IZZY (36:54):
Just a second, Sweetie. I’m about to give this thing a ‘kinetic displacement’
it won’t ever forget.
[loud wrench hitting pillar, power building]
GARETH (37:05):
Like I said. Get us out of here, Pilot.
PILOT (37:08):
At once, Captain of the Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (37:11):
Okay people, let’s go see what other trouble we can get into.
[scene change music]
NARRATOR (37:27):
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 11
Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’stranslator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel and Kevin
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana and DAR-C 254
(37:52):
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Jenna Oliver as Teesh
Kayce Swan as Pilot
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk.
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk and Deek Nutleiss
(38:13):
A I Brooke as RENE-7
David Gardiner as Central
Laurence Sterling Knott as Alex, Chompers, and Egite
Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University
Featuring:
Alex Vancil, Peter McGiffen, Derek Fein, and O J V A as the Pirates
(38:37):
No pirates were harmed during the recording of this show.
At least, that’s what we told them we would say before they signed their
binding contracts to work without stunt doubles.
On that note, anyone know where we can find cheap replacement pirates?
Gareth and the Lost Island was written anddirected by Patrick Mallard.
[VDM logo music][Quack-quack hiss]
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents, Gareth
Gareth and the Lost Island.Episode 11 - Revenge of the Linguist
Disclaimer:
This audio drama should be considered ratedPG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,
(00:31):
consuming questionable potions, brief momentsof violence,
crude language, and even cruder humor.
Please use caution when listening in public,as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for anystrained abdominal muscles you may receive
(00:52):
while listening, or the strange looks youmight get from other commuters. If laughter
persists for more than four hours, seek immediatemedical attention.
[theme]
(01:28):
[taxi landing]
RENEE (01:34):
Captain Mintel, we have arrived at the dry docks.
GARETH (01:37):
Captain… that is going to take some getting used to. Alright, the first thing
we need to do is find Elizabeth, Pilot, andSheldon. After that, we’ll see what needs
to be done to get the new airship off theground.
[ramp lowering]
IZZY (01:55):
Found Lizard Breath, at least I think I did.
GARETH (02:00):
Why aren’t you certain? Whoa. I see why you hesitated. Elizabeth must
be loving that new arm. If it wasn’t forthe gray metal casing, it almost looks like
a normal arm. It even has five fingers.
IZZY (02:13):
New arm? Oh, I didn’t notice it.
TEESH (02:17):
You didn’t notice she wasn’t packing that clockwork nightmare anymore?
IZZY (02:21):
I was more focused on her face. It looks like they covered her scars with a mesh made
from the same metal as her arm. She’s triedto be so strong all these years, but I know how
much she hates those scars. They even replacedher false eye with a red lens just like Kevin’s.
Gareth is it ok....?
GARETH (02:43):
Go, we’ll catch up in a bit.
[Izzy runs to hug Elizabeth]
TALNIS (02:47):
I probably don’t need to say this, but if you lose that special lass of yours,
I will have Henry smack you upside the headwith Mr. Smashy.
GARETH (02:57):
If I drive Izzy away, I’ll ask him to do it myself.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:00):
I’ll be glad to do it too.
TEESH (03:03):
If you three are done being mushy, it looks like they’re done hugging, since
Pilot and Sheldon joined them. Izzy’s wavingat us, too.
GARETH (03:11):
[chuckle] After you, Mistress Teesh.
[the group walks, rolls, and flies to theMorgana sisters]
ELIZABETH (03:17):
Let’s get on board the ship so the Professor can turn it on, and then hand
it over to me as the real Captain.
GARETH (03:23):
That’s not how this is going to work, Ms. Morgana.
ELIZABETH (03:28):
Look at him, kid gets dressed up like some sort of soldier, and he suddenly
thinks he’s a real captain. You got yourchance to play dress up, Professor, and now
it’s time for the grownups to get some workdone.
DAR-C (03:42):
I’m going to smack that smirk off her face so hard, she’ll have to get more
mesh to cover the other side!
GARETH (03:49):
Thanks, but I’ve got this DAR-C. Elizabeth Morgana, that ship in there is part
of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy. As SeniorCaptain in the Air Navy, I am taking command
of her to defend the Island of Mascal. Ifyou interfere with that, I will have Kevin
take you into custody until such time as wereturn from the battle.
(04:11):
[two steps]
Now stand down and step aside!
ELIZABETH (04:16):
As you wish, Captain. Have fun trying to run a ship without a crew.
You know, my crew.
IZZY (04:24):
I can’t believe I ever looked up to you, Lizard Breath.
[walking to Gareth]
Captain Mintel, Chief Engineer Morgana, reporting for duty, sir.
GARETH (04:35):
Welcome to the crew, Engineer.
[Tralnis walking to Gareth]
TALNIS (04:40):
Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, reporting for duty as Ship’s Surgeon, Captain.
GARETH (04:47):
Good, because I wouldn’t trust my crew’s health to anyone else.
[Barefoot walking on stone]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (04:53):
You are my brother in all ways that matter.
GARETH (04:58):
I know you will always have my back, like I’ll always have yours.
PILOT (05:02):
I hope that someday you will forgive me, former Captain of the Glorious Dawn, but
I have seen the ship we are discussing. Itwould be foolish of me not to seize this opportunity.
[walking to Gareth]
Professor who is now a captain, I am a son of the people of Roehus. I wish to serve
as the pilot for the unnamed ship awaitingus in dry dock.
GARETH (05:21):
As Captain of the airship, I accept your vow of service,
the man who is once again a pilot.
SHELDON (05:30):
[right eye] Before you try and guilt us into taking your
side, you should know we’ve always thoughtyou grew up to be kind of bitch, Liz. Plus,
there is no way in hells we are giving upHenry’s cooking.
[heavy footsteps]
TEESH (05:45):
Yeah, as if I would stay here with Ms. Resting Grump Face.
Gareth, do you have a spot onboard for me?
GARETH (05:52):
We would be lost without you, Teesh.
TEESH (05:55):
[muttering] If that’s not the biggest understatement
of the millennium, I don't know what is.
DAR-C (05:59):
Captain,… RENE, Kevin, and I were wondering if you were going to
allow Automatons as part of your crew.
GARETH (06:06):
Of course, you’re Mascalians, just like me. Welcome to the crew , you three.
[Kevin rolling forward quickly, mechanicalhugging]
[Gareth gasp]
KEVIN (06:15):
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
GARETH (06:18):
[struggling to breathe] Can’t… breathe… Kevin.
[Kevin drops Gareth]
KEVIN (06:23):
Sorry.
GARETH (06:26):
I seem to have my crew, Miss Morgana. I only need to fill one more position to make
it complete. As it stands, I’m in desperateneed of a good First Officer willing to kick
me in the ass when I do something stupid.
ELIZABETH (06:40):
[weary sigh] Knowing my luck, if I stay behind, you’ll
destroy the new ship pulling it out of drydock. I’ll either starve to death, or be
killed by pirates. If I go with you, I’llat least get to keep an eye on my baby sister.
[walking]
[another sigh] First Officer Elizabeth Morgana reporting for duty.
GARETH (07:06):
Okay, crew, let’s go see our new airship.
[scene change music]
IZZY (07:16):
I’ll never get over how many different types of Automatons are here.
For instance, this lot all look like giant caterpillars with hands at the ends of their legs.
[metal legs scuttling]
ALEX (07:28):
Captain Mintel, I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you again.
GARETH (07:33):
Are there any Automatons on this Island who didn’t know me as a child?
RENE (07:37):
DAR-C 254 and I came online after the Blight finally died off.
ALEX (07:43):
I only know you because your Aunt Moira, our head airship designer, brought you in
to show you off shortly after you were born.She brought you in a second time after you
licked that charged Aetherium tube. Moiraboasted
that you were born to bean engineer like her.
GARETH (07:59):
Actually, I’m a linguist.
ALEX (08:01):
I see… oh well, no one’s perfect I suppose.
Were the Spider-eyes correct in telling usthat you plan to take your aunt’s masterpiece
into battle on its maiden voyage?
GARETH (08:14):
I’m afraid so.
ALEX (08:16):
How exciting! Since you are all going into combat soon, I’ll give you the condensed
tour. Follow me please.
[scuttling, doors slide open, group follows,door closes]
IZZY (08:33):
Oh, wow!
ELIZABETH (08:35):
She’s beautiful.
TALNIS (08:37):
I have some cousins who are engineers. They’ll be pissing themselves in envy that
I get to work on an airship like that.
PILOT (08:45):
First Officer, now you see why I couldn’t turn down an opportunity such as this.
GARETH (08:50):
This is the first Mascalian airship to fly in nearly 13,000 years. Not only will
it defend this island’s inhabitants, itwill show the rest of Hadronus that WE have
returned. An airship with that much responsibilityon her shoulders deserves a name with a proud
legacy to match it.
Crew, welcome to the HMS Glorious Dawn, thenew flagship of the Royal Mascalian Air Navy.
IZZY (09:19):
Gareth, I… her name… oh the hells with it!
[kiss]
ALEX (09:28):
[clears throat]
IZZY (09:29):
We’ll continue this discussion later, Captain.
ALEX (09:35):
This is the first of the Golden Swan class battleships. She runs off of Dark Magic
charged Aetherium, and can out fly anythingwe had built previously. A copy of Center’s
personality runs the minor systems on theship allowing her to have a far smaller crew
than what would normally be seen on a shipher size.
(09:56):
As a multipurpose combat vessel, the GloriousDawn is armed with the latest in anti-wizard
technology. Her primary defense is the hull,which is made of a special copper and steel
alloy designed to conduct Light magic poorly.Even though she only boasts three guns, the
Glorious Dawn’s offensive capacity is equalto a ship four times her size.
ELIZABETH (10:18):
I only see two guns on deck. Where is the third one?
ALEX (10:24):
Look at the bottom of the aft section. The tail gun over there works by dropping
metal balls from a hopper into the barrel.Magic is then sent into the repulsion rune
carved at the rear of the barrel. The repulsionrune throws a metal sphere slightly faster,
and farther, than the gunpowder fueled weaponsthese modern pirates seem to favor. By using
(10:45):
magic instead of gunpowder, we were able toincrease the rate of fire to a little under
two shots per second.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Mine, mine, mine. (10:52):
undefined
GARETH (10:55):
[chuckling] Henry says he’s calling dibs on the tail gun.
ALEX (10:59):
The heavy cannon on the fore deck is mounted to a disc which rotates 360 degrees.
It works on a similar principle to the tailgun. Instead of gravity fed balls, it has
to be loaded from the rear with 20-pound shells.
GARETH (11:15):
What’s that strange machine with all the mirrors and black half domes at the
back of the airship?
ALEX (11:22):
Captain Mintel, the final gun was your aunt’s greatest achievement. One we thought
might win the Wizard War for us.
GARETH (11:31):
How so?
ALEX (11:33):
We were taking a pounding from the Wizards. The more powerful of the bastards could raise
magical shields that would block everythingwe could throw at them. Moira realized that
the Wizards were able to see what they weredoing, and tried to come up with a way to
use that against them.The answer came when your aunt was watching
(11:53):
her wife burn a design into a piece of woodusing only a magnifying glass and sunlight.
Moira brought her idea to the Technomancers,and together they built the Sunlight Collection
and Focusing Array Weapon or S-C-F-A-W.
None of us were able to say that fast, sowe just ended up calling it the Sun Gun.
ELIZABETH (12:14):
So how does it work?
ALEX (12:16):
The black dome halves collect and store sunlight throughout the day. When fired, the
stored sunlight is fed into the focusing crystalsand mirror arrays to blast out a beam of light.
The output can be anywhere from 30 feet wide,able to blind an enemy crew, down to a beam
no thicker than a sewing needle. The heatof the thinnest setting is capable of cutting
(12:40):
through solid metal.
PILOT (12:42):
Little Automaton foreman, how effective is this weapon in actual combat?
ALEX (12:47):
We haven’t got a clue. Like most of the ship, it’s a prototype, and we never
got a chance to try it out before the dockwent into null-entropy mode.
TALNIS (12:55):
Is there anything on this ship that isn’t a prototype?
ALEX (13:00):
The ship is powered by a chunk of the original Void Stone that gave the Mascalians
their abilities. Almost all of the systemshad to be redesigned to accept direct Dark
Magic energy.
Now that I think about it, the only thingswhich aren’t prototypes are the loos.
You can poop with confidence knowing the crappersare tried and true technology.
SHELDON (13:21):
[right eye] We are soooo going to die. Is it too late
to switch back to working for Captain Scary?
GARETH, IZZY, PILOT, TALNIS, TEESH: YES! (13:27):
undefined
SHELDON (13:29):
[right eye] Sheesh...just asking.
ALEX (13:30):
May we continue?
GARETH (13:32):
Lead on. I'd like to…
[ominous music][heavy metal footsteps]
Oh, K’nknknk!
PILOT (13:40):
My sentiments exactly, Captain.
[Chompers testing out his weapons one by one]
GARETH (13:59):
Alright, who thought it was a good idea to give the homicidal skull a new body?!
KEVIN (14:05):
I did. I found the skull in the wreckage of your old airship. He didn’t have a body
anymore, so I took him to the manufacturingplant, and let him pick out a new one.
DAR-C (14:16):
You gave a Guardian Skeleton the body of a Mark 5 Hunter/Killer because you
felt sorry for him?
KEVIN (14:24):
Uh-huh.
DAR-C (14:26):
Well biologicals, it’s been nice knowing y'all.
[metal stomping]
CHOMPERS (14:36):
I pledge my service to Chef Henry of the Wooha Clan, and offer my ridiculous
amount of weapons to sliceand dice and julienne his enemies.
[end ominous music]
ELIZABETH (14:50):
What just happened?
GARETH (14:52):
Um… I think Henry just gained the most terrifying Sous-chef on Hadronus.
ELIZABETH (14:58):
Oh. That’s good.
ALEX (15:01):
Captain, you and Engineer Morgana need to take those stairs down to the engine room.
I’ll show the others where their posts are.
GARETH (15:10):
Thank you, um… I’m sorry. I forgot to ask your name.
ALEX (15:15):
That’s quite alright, Captain. They call me… Alex.
TEESH (15:20):
What does A-L-E-X stand for?
[superhero fanfare]
ALEX (15:24):
I stand for truth, justice, and the Mascalian way!
Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I get asked thatquestion a lot by my fellow Automatons. Truth
is, I just liked the name.
[scene change music]
GARETH (15:45):
I’d be lucky to recognize one part in twenty in this engine room.
IZZY (15:51):
Really? It doesn’t look that different from what I’m used to. Techno-magical laws
are constants, so there wouldn’t be thatmuch variance between their engines and ours.
The only differences are the DM convertersand whatever that pillar
in the center of the room is.
GARETH (16:06):
You lost me after, ‘Really?’
IZZY (16:09):
[blows raspberry] From the indented handprint on this side of
the pillar, I’m guessing this is where youprove you’re a Mascalian.
GARETH (16:18):
OK, but if it opens up a trapdoor that leads to a blood thirsty, venomous duck,
I’m going to be really disappointed.Don’t give me that look, Izzy.
You didn't see it in action.Fine, I’ll press the button.
[steps forward, places hand on pillar, magicaltone]
CENTRAL (16:39):
Moaghaoar saghoaaumo a'r ho Maor roarlariy rromaraoc, siysorl soamagh aun.
GARETH (16:47):
Speak in Trade, please, we have a multi-species crew.
CENTRAL (16:51):
Acknowledged, Captain Mintel.
IZZY (16:53):
Time to get this party started!
[flicking switches, turning cranks]
And finally, to charge the Aetherium tubes, we throw this lever!
[Lever thrown, pause, lever thrown, pause,lever thrown quickly several times]
I don’t know what’s wrong. I did everything in the right order!
CENTRAL (17:17):
Engineer, I suggest you employ a kinetic displacement to the central column
to align the rune arrays.
IZZY (17:23):
You want me to do what?
GARETH (17:25):
He wants you to align the rune array with a kinetic displacement…
you know, kick it.
IZZY (17:32):
Quick question. If it breaks, do I have to pay for it?
GARETH (17:36):
Um… no.
[Izzy kicks pillar, engine room comes to life]
IZZY (17:42):
Good to know some repair techniques stand the test of time.
[scene change music]
[minnow propeller]
PIRATE 1 (17:52):
Next time, you get to pedal this damned thing, and I’ll hold the rifle.
PIRATE 2 (17:57):
Quit complaining, and be thankful I talked the captain out of sending us into
that hells spawned lightning storm like therest of our mates. All we have to do is drift
around in our minnow, and watch to see ifanything makes it back out.
PIRATE 1 (18:12):
Yeah… yeah, you’re best. Blessed by the gods with a silver tongue.
PIRATE 2 (18:17):
Your mum seemed to think so last night.
PIRATE 1 (18:21):
Well… your mum’s so fat, she could be causing that huge disruption rising
towards us from the clouds below.
PIRATE 2 (18:28):
Pedal faster you idiot! That’s an airship, and it ain’t one of ours!
[lightning strikes as the HMS GD slowly risesout the storm clouds]
PILOT (18:41):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, we are breaking through the clouds now. Also, I must
reiterate again how delightful it is to havea chair to sit in while performing my duties.
GARETH (18:50):
No need, Pilot, these are really nice chairs.
[Captain Kirk impression]Mine’s… even big enough… to lean…
to one side, and look… like I’m havingdeep, tactical thoughts.
PILOT (19:01):
Are you feeling well, Captain of the Glorious Dawn. Shall I use the speaking tubes
and call the short doctor to the bridge?
GARETH (19:07):
No, I'm fine. I’m not sure what came over me. However, I do need to use the
speaking tube system.
As soon as I figure out which one is the all-ship tube.
Ah-ha, found it!
[speaking tube]We will be engaging the enemy any minute now.
Henry, the minnows are yours. Tralnis andSheldon, you two use the heavy cannon to take
(19:29):
out the frigates. First Officer Morgana, usethe Sun gun to disable the destroyer.
Unfortunately, we don’t have enough supplies to take prisoners,
so unless we manage to take their ships without destroying them, no quarter is to be given.
Let’s hope fate is with us, but even ifshe isn’t, I have faith in this airship,
(19:53):
and even more faith in my crew.
Everyone to battle stations.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (20:01):
Keep an eye on Teesh, Chompers,
she likes to sneak off to places she shouldn’t be.
CHOMPERS (20:06):
None will harm her, but I look forward to killing those who try.
TEESH (20:13):
Be careful, Mr. Fuzzy Bottom.
[barefoot running, sliding down ladder, seatbelt buckling, switches being flipped]
[tail gun fires, minnow explodes]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (20:35):
Nice, not as nice as nice Mr. Smashy, but it’ll do.
[tail gun fires]
Heh, heh, works just as good on the pirates as their dirigibles.
[ricochet]
Oh no you didn’t!
(20:56):
[tail gun fires, ballast bags cut, minnowrockets skywards]
PIRATE 1 and 2 (21:01):
[receding screams as their minnow shoots upwards]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (21:02):
Damn, only got their ballast bags, oh well.
PIRATE 2 (21:07):
Got to time this jump just right!
Don't want to end up like my cousin Leeroy.
[grunt as he jumps, lands on the deck of theHMS GD]
Thank the gods and their wizards, I made it.
I don’t see any crew other than that Dwarfsitting on a seat attached to that huge cannon,
and whatever that monster is loading the thing.
(21:28):
If I take this ship me self, I’ll get firstpick of the booty.
Nothing personal, Dwarf, but it’s time todie.
Okay, line up the shot, deep breath, and squeeze…
[rapid tank treads approaches]
What the hells is that?!
(21:49):
[rifle shot, ricochet off Kevin]
KEVIN (21:52):
You will not hurt Kevin’s friend.
PIRATE 2 (21:54):
[long scream cuts off as Kevin punches through pirate]
KEVIN (21:58):
Ewe! He’s stuck on my arm.
[Kevin swings arm, body slips off]
TALNIS (22:07):
What’s going on over there? I can’t see around you, Sheldon.
SHELDON (22:11):
[left eye] Nothing much, just Kevin taking care of some trash on the deck.
[right eye] Fire when ready, Doc.
TRALNIS (22:16):
I’m not a doctor for the moment. I plan on doing plenty of harm.
[main gun fires, misses frigate]
SHELDON (22:27):
[left eye] Great shot, Doc!
TRALNIS (22:29):
Damn it, Sheldon! I’m a doctor, not an artillery gunner!
NARRATOR (22:33):
Tralnis felt that odd tingle again in his bones as the stellar magic took hold.
Aboard the frigate, a pirate holding a cannonball ready for the next shot suddenly lost
his grip, and dropped the iron sphere on thefoot of an unfortunately dressed pirate wearing
a red shirt next to him.
[cannon ball dropped, bone breaks]
The red shirted pirate hopped on one foot in pain, and shifted so he was right
(22:59):
in front of the cannon as it was fired.
[cannon fires, wet sploosh]
Similar to other red shirts across the multiverse, he had a split second to look
down at the gaping hole through his chestbefore dying.
TALNIS (23:12):
I think I got the aiming down now, load another shot.
SHELDON (23:16):
[right eye] Eye, eye, Mr. Granitestaff
TRALNIS (23:18):
[snicker]
SHELDON (23:19):
[left eye] Hey! How come he laughs when you say it?!
[right eye] Talent and timing. Now shut up, and keep swiveling,
we don’t want any targets sneaking up on us.
[main gun fires, explosion with wood debrislanding]
TRALNIS (23:37):
Yes! This is almost as much fun as drinking ale. Seriously, I’m starting to
sport a stalagmite in my trousers.
SHELDON (23:46):
[right eye] T-M-I, Doc.
NARRATOR (23:49):
Meanwhile on the other end of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (23:54):
Damn it! I can’t get a clear shot at the destroyer. That stupid frigate
won’t move out of the way! Fine! If it wantsto be that way, I’ll just do something about
it. Let’s see what the wide beam does.
[sun gun powers up, wide beam shot]
PIRATE 3 (24:20):
My eyes!
PIRATE 4 (24:23):
Look out you fool; you're going to hit the wheel!
[wheel turns, frigate slews to the side, cannonfire, wood exploding]
TALNIS (24:34):
Not bad. Elizabeth managed to get them to shoot their own ship, and it looks
like the shot went straight through to theirengine room. That leaves one last frigate.
Come on boys, we can’t let her show us up.Load one of the flammable spheres.
[main gun fires, gas explosion]
TRALNIS (25:02):
Take that you pirate bastards!
[three cannon blasts, HMS GD rocks as armortakes the hits]
Whoa! Our turn now. Sheldon, switch back to the
explosive spheres.
NARRATOR (25:14):
In the wheelhouse of the pirate destroyer.
PIRATE CAPTAIN (25:17):
Damn! That ship’s got some strong armor. No matter, we’ll punch through
it eventually. Ha! They know it too. They’returning tail and running away.
Wait… why are they stopping their turn?
(25:38):
Oh shit! They’re setting up a broadside!Evasive maneuvers!
Turn! Turn! They’re aiming that bloody monstrouscannon at our wheelhouse! Turn dammit turn!
[distant main gun firing, wheelhouse exploding]
NARRATOR (26:00):
Back on the bridge of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (26:05):
Looks like they’re waving several white flags.
[sigh of relief] [puts down spyglass]
[speaking tube] All guns standby while we approach the destroyer and the frigates.
Kevin, Chompers, Izzy, join me on deck.
We’ll serve as the boardingparty to accept their surrender.
[scene change music]
Chompers, Kevin, you’re providing security while we accept their surrender.
(26:29):
They are pirates, and I wouldn’t put itpast them to try something. Oh, and Chompers,
no killing until after they try something.
CHOMPERS (26:38):
Fine. [walking, heavy mech walking, tank treads]
GARETH (26:46):
Who is the ranking officer here?
PIRATE 4 (26:47):
Um, you are, sir?
GARETH (26:50):
No, I mean who speaks for you as your leader?
PIRATE 4 (26:54):
Don’t rightly know, sir. Most of the officers were in the wheelhouse when
you went and blew it up. The only remainingofficer is our cook, and no one listens to
that scaly prick.
GARETH (27:05):
Regardless, he’s still your senior officer. Somebody go get him.
[scuffle in the crowd, Egite is pushed forward]
EGITE (27:15):
Isadora Morgana! This is all your fault! I was supposed to get my pick of your crew
as slaves if I placed the tracking disc onthat worthless piece of garbage you called
an airship! I’ll kill you for this!
[running forward, metal clang][Egite choking]
KEVIN (27:35):
Captain Gareth and Engineer Izzy are my friends. I don’t like it when people
try to hurt my friends. What would you likeme to do with him, Captain Gareth?
GARETH (27:45):
Same thing you would do with any other trash from the galley, Kevin. Toss it overboard.
[tank treads, tossing Egite overboard, wilhelmscream, pirates cheer]
IZZY (28:02):
Yeah, we had pretty much the same reaction when Egite got kicked off of our ship.
GARETH (28:06):
I’m going to give you lot three options. The first is to remain on this ship
until we tow it into the air space of a countrynot so fond of pirates. The second is to queue
up and join Egite. The third option is toquit your pirating ways, and agree to become
farmers on the island on the other side ofthis storm. If you choose the latter, you’ll
(28:32):
have to eat shipped in rations until we canget enough crops grown. On the plus side,
I will grant you full amnesty, and a housefar nicer than what most merchants live in.
PIRATE 4 (28:43):
I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say that being a farmer sounds
mighty good, sir. [nervous laugh]
[scene change music]
GARETH (28:56):
Thank you all for meeting me in the briefing room. I want to start out by saying
thank you, to all of you, for your hard workin the month since we got our ex-pirates settled in.
Next, after discussing with First OfficerMorgana how the old Glorious Dawn was run,
I learned that issues having major ramificationsfor both the ship, and crew, were normally
(29:16):
brought to a vote. I plan on followingher example, and put forward something I'd
like to do. Something that will most likelyend up with the Island Republic of Draconia
putting a price on all our heads.
IZZY (29:29):
[snorts as she stats to snicker]
ELIZABETH (29:32):
[chuckle]
ELIZABETH, IZZY, SHELDON, PILOT: [full laughter] (29:33):
undefined
ELIZABETH (29:35):
[catching her breath] Gods, that was good. I haven’t laughed like
that in a long time.
IZZY (29:41):
[recovering from laughing] Sorry for laughing, Gareth. It’s just that
aside from Pilot, the rest of us from theold crew all have bounties on us from
one place or another.
PILOT (29:53):
Engineer of the Glorious Dawn, that is not an accurate statement. The Sultan of
Brosh has offered a rather large sum for mycapture.
ELIZABETH (29:59):
I never knew that. What did you do to anger the Sultan?
PILOT (30:04):
First Officer of the Glorious Dawn, a true son of Roehus does not kiss and tell.
IZZY (30:09):
Look at you, Pilot.
Gareth, what I’m trying to say is one morebounty won’t make that much of a difference,
especially one from the IRD. Nutless alreadyblacklisted us from the shipping guild.
TRALNIS (30:25):
Why did Dick Nutless blacklist you anyway?
ELIZABETH (30:28):
I refused his repeated offers to go back to his mansion for a quick tumble
while his wife visited an inn near the University.
TRALNIS (30:38):
Huh… small world.
IZZY (30:40):
Why do you say that?
GARETH (30:42):
I’ll explain later. Alright, well
does anyone here have any objections to committing
what will most definitely be seen as a serious crime?
IZZY (30:53):
Gareth, this crew will follow you through an
extended tour of the 34 layers of hell. We’re in.
TRALNIS (30:59):
Here, here.
DAR-C (31:00):
Captain, we’re with you until the Dwarves stop drinking.
GARETH (31:05):
Alright, here’s my plan…
[scene change music]
[crowd murmuring]
DEAN (31:15):
My fellow Professors, I bid you welcome to the ribbon cutting ceremony of what is
most assuredly a welcome addition to our fineUniversity. Thanks to the leadership of Professor
Nutleiss, and the generous gift from hisbrother, we now have a place to sequester
ourselves away from the throngs of studentswho plague our daily lives. Unfortunately,
(31:40):
Professor Nutleiss was unable to attend, butwe welcome his brother, Deek, to the grounds
of our great University.
[mild applause]
After Magnate Nutleiss cuts the ribbon,
we will let the staff into the building tostart scheduling appointments for manicures,
pedicures, back waxing, and happy ending massages.
(32:03):
[bigger applause, applause peters out, shockedgasps]
DEEK NUTLEISS (32:07):
My gods! What kind of airship is that? I’ve never seen anything like it.
It’s coming right at us!
DEAN (32:14):
Calm yourself, Magnate Nutleiss. If they meant us harm, they wouldn’t be approaching
so slowly. Look, there’s even someone standingby the railing. I, for one, am looking forward
to meeting whomever that magnificent airshipbelongs to.
That man in the black uniform at the railing, he looks familiar. Where do I know
(32:39):
him from? Wait… Professor Mintel?
GARETH (32:43):
Oh, hello, Dean, Nutless, fancy meeting you here.
DEEK NUTLEISS (32:48):
What are you doing here, boy!?
GARETH (32:51):
Sorry, Dick, I thought your brother would have mentioned it to you. You see, I
promised to return when I had proof that Ihad found the Lost Island of Mascal.
DEEK NUTLEISS (33:01):
Do you honestly think some silly costume, and a big airship, is enough
to convince us you actually found an islandthat has been lost for over 13,000 years?
GARETH (33:13):
Not at all, in fact, I suspected that closed minded fools like yourselves would
need more convincing.
Members of the University Arcanum and guests,I would like to introduce you to some friends
of mine. RENE, DAR-C, Kevin, come over hereand say hello to the not so nice humans.
[steampunk robot walking, tank treads, flying][gasp from the crowd]
KEVIN (33:40):
Hello, not so nice humans. I would ask you to be my friends,
but you were mean to Captain Gareth.
DEEK NUTLEISS (33:48):
How dare you bring such abominations here?!
DEAN (33:51):
Shut up, Nutless. This is the discovery of several lifetimes.
Well, done my boy, well done! I never doubtedfor a minute you would be up to the task of
finding Mascal. I hereby grant you tenureshipwith the University Arcanum effective immediately,
(34:12):
and welcome you into the fellowship of SeniorProfessors.
GARETH (34:16):
Yeah, about my position at the University… I quit.
I have a new job as Captain of the HMS GloriousDawn. A duty I hope to continue to perform
for a good number of years.
DEAN (34:31):
What?! You can’t just quit after making the greatest discovery in the last 13,000
years! Think about what you can do for theUniversity, my dear boy!
GARETH (34:43):
Oh, don’t worry, Dean. I would never think of leaving the University Arcanum without
some sort of parting gift. Dr. Granitestaff…First Officer Morgana, please give the University
Arcanum, and Magnate Nutless, the gift ofseeing what happens when you annoy the crew
of the HMS Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (35:03):
It will be my pleasure, Captain.
TALNIS (35:06):
Oooooh, I’m going to enjoy this.
[main gun fires, building explosion, tightbeam sun gun, objects catching fire]
ELIZABETH (35:27):
So much for the Nutless spa. Time to head inside and get as much shielding between
me and the Profes… Captain, as I can.
[hurried footsteps, door opens and closes]
GARETH (35:40):
Cheer up, Dean. At least the spa will go down in history as being the first ground
target destroyed by the Royal Mascalian AirNavy in over 13,000 years.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (35:50):
Don’t forget your promise, Gareth.
GARETH (35:53):
Oh yeah, you’re right, Henry. I did promise, didn’t I. Thank you for reminding me.
[simian grunt, two swishes, two wet splats]
That’s a good look for you two. Henry, head back inside and join the others.
I’ll be along in just a moment.
[barefoot footsteps receding, door opens andcloses]
Before we leave, I would like to say one final word.
DEEK NUTLEISS (36:17):
And what word would that be?
GARETH (36:20):
Ta’shennish!
[magic noise]
DEEK NUTLEISS (36:23):
Noooooo!
[farts and moans, recedes][door opens and closes]
[walking]
PILLOT (36:36):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I have spotted police airships being scrambled
from the airship port.
GARETH (36:41):
In that case, Pilot, I suggest you get us out of here.
[power building up, drops off]
[sigh] [picks up speaking tube]
Izzy, any chance of you getting us some powerup here?
IZZY (36:54):
Just a second, Sweetie. I’m about to give this thing a ‘kinetic displacement’
it won’t ever forget.
[loud wrench hitting pillar, power building]
GARETH (37:05):
Like I said. Get us out of here, Pilot.
PILOT (37:08):
At once, Captain of the Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (37:11):
Okay people, let’s go see what other trouble we can get into.
[scene change music]
NARRATOR (37:27):
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 11
Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’stranslator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel and Kevin
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana and DAR-C 254
(37:52):
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Jenna Oliver as Teesh
Kayce Swan as Pilot
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk.
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk and Deek Nutleiss
(38:13):
A I Brooke as RENE-7
David Gardiner as Central
Laurence Sterling Knott as Alex, Chompers, and Egite
Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University
Featuring:
Alex Vancil, Peter McGiffen, Derek Fein, and O J V A as the Pirates
(38:37):
No pirates were harmed during the recording of this show.
At least, that’s what we told them we would say before they signed their
binding contracts to work without stunt doubles.
On that note, anyone know where we can find cheap replacement pirates?
Gareth and the Lost Island was written anddirected by Patrick Mallard.
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