May 10, 2023 • 34 mins
Gareth is forced to face the consequences of the previous night’s indiscretions. We are introduced to Tralnis’ simian butler, and Gareth’s longtime friend, Henry, as well as the politics that infest the University Arcanum. Since most of the listeners don’t speak Chimish, a translation service has been provided.
** Gareth and the Lost Island should be considered PG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking, consuming questionable potions, brief moments of violence, crude language, and even cruder humor. Characters in this show run the gambit of the gender and sexuality spectrums. **
For more information about the show, see our website at www.garethmintel.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[VDM Logo Music] Quack-Quack-Hiss
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents, Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 2 – The Merchant Strikes Back
Disclaimer (00:18):
This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13 for discussions of
sexual hijinks, drinking,consuming questionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language, and even cruder humor.
(00:38):
Please use caution when listening in public,as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for anystrained
abdominal muscles you may receive while listening,
or the strange looks you might get from othercommuters.
If laughter persists for more than four hours,seek immediate medical attention.
(01:01):
[Theme Music]
(01:26):
[cheerful bird singing]GARETH: [moans] Will someone please kill that bird
or at least make it drink enough booze so it's as hungover as I am
Nothing is getting me out of bed today[stomach gurgles] GARETH: Except that.
(01:53):
[bed squeak, running, slam open toilet lid,throwing up, toilet flushing]
GARETH (02:06):
(thinking) Oh gods, I threw up so much,
I think my stomach made a portalto several other people
and I threw up what they ate. Okay, Gareth,let’s see if you can make it downstairs,
and then to the kitchen,without having your head fall off.
(02:26):
Although, considering how I feel rightnow, that may not be such a bad thing.
[slow footsteps down stairs]
(outloud) Morning Henry, morning Tralnis..
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Good morning, Gareth. (02:42):
undefined
TRALNIS (02:47):
Just morning, not ‘good morning’, eh?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (02:51):
Sit, before the floor rises up to meet you.
TRALNIS (02:56):
What did he say? GARETH
before I fall down.I think I’ll take him up on his offer.
I feel horrible, and everythinghas a weird yellow tint to it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:18):
Must be the piss from everything you drank last night
backing up into your eyes.GARETH: No, that’s not why everything
has a yellow tint to it. I took care of mymorning absolutions before coming down
for breakfast. I would also like to pointout
how truly unfair it is that you look so dapper
(03:40):
in your vest and kilt, while I look likesomething a cat hacked up.
TRALNIS (03:44):
My guess is that what you’re experiencing is just one of the possible
side effects of the sobriety elixirI gave you last night. Your vision will
most likely be back to normal, in an houror so.
You should feel lucky, one of the other
possible side effects would haveturned your skin green for a week.
(04:05):
Oh… while I’m thinking about it,thank you for being my test subject.
GARETH (04:10):
Even though you showed it to me in the handbook, I still can’t believe
there’s an exemption for family in thePhysician’s Ethics Guide where it comes
to experimenting on unwitting test subjects,
TRALNIS (04:20):
Like I told you before, my father did it to me,
just as his father did it to him,and so and so forth for several generations
of the Granitestaff family. Hopefully someday,you’ll be able to trick your own children
into drinking questionable potions and elixirs.GARETH: Getting back to what I drank last
(04:40):
night, the elixir sobered me up instantly. Shouldn’tit
have also kept me from getting a hangover?
No, that would be a totally separate elixir
that I’m in the very early stages of developing.
The sobriety elixir only clears your head,it doesn’t alter any other effect that
(05:00):
such huge quantities of alcoholwould have on a person.
How many times have I told younot to try and match me drink for drink?
None of the other twelve sentientspecies can match a Dwarf’s constitution.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:14):
Let me make you some tummy taming tea, Gareth.
GARETH (05:18):
Thank you, Henry. I would love to have a cup of stomach settling tea right now
[turns on gas, ignites gas, fills tea kettle]
TRALNIS (05:35):
Even after all of these years, I’m still amazed at how you can
use a foot to do all of that, whilecooking breakfast with your hands, Henry.
[tea kettle whistle, turns off burner, pouringtea]
GARETH (05:48):
Thanks for the tea, Henry,
but just so you know, serving it withyour foot flashed me your family jewels.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:57):
Eh, I’m a primate in a kilt, accidents are bound to happen.
GARETH (06:04):
Yes, I know Chims wear kilts because trousers restrict your freedom of movement,
but I really didn’t need to see a pairof orange furred balls this morning.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:15):
Are you suggesting I should shave my balls?
GARETH (06:18):
Great, now I’m going to have that image stuck in my head all day.
TRALNIS (06:23):
What did he ask you? GARETH
shave his balls, so I wouldn’t be so offended.TRALNIS: That reminds me of this one Chim
I met at a brothel back when I was a first-yearmed student. We were both piss poor,
and decided to go in together onthe price of one of the nicer looking--
GARETH (06:43):
Tralnis, I’m trying to eat here. TRALNIS
say that at least I didn’t getany hair on my tongue that night.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:53):
At least I didn't drop my balls in your tea, Gareth.
TRALNIS (06:58):
Do I even want to know what he said? GARETH
dunk his balls
in my tea, like someone else we know.TRALNIS: I don’t know how many times
I have to explain that. I was drunk,and wondered if they called it ‘tea-bagging’
because it felt similar to dunking the boysin a cup of tea. How was I to kno w Henry had
(07:20):
just poured you a fresh cup, and it was steaminghot?
Luckily, I had some wonderful burn ointmenton hand.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:28):
Here Gareth, at least try
to eat some toast.
GARETH (07:32):
Okay, I’ll try and eat some of it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:35):
Just out of curiosity, why did Tralnis smell like a
horse’s ass when you two got home?Did he try having sex with a Centaur again?
[ Gareth laughs and chokes on a bite of toast][hoot of alarm, 2 slaps on back, cough / spit]
GARETH (07:52):
Thanks, Henry. TRALNIS
I should really learn Chimmish.(outloud) When you are able to Gareth,
would you mind telling mewhat my butler said
that was funny enoughto get you to choke on your food?
Why do you think he said something funny? He might have just been
commenting on the weather. See, Henry'snodding .He's agreeing with me.
TRALNIS (08:15):
Nice try boys, but that trying to look innocent face
didn’t work with me when you two wereten years old,
and it definitely doesn’t work now.GARETH: Yeah, I didn’t think it would work,
but it was worth trying. What Henry askedwas why you smelled like a horse’s ass
when we got home. He was worried that youhad tried having sex with a Centaur… again.
(08:40):
What is this, remind a Dwarf of his past humiliations day?
You two are never going to let meforget that little misadventure are you?
GARETH (08:51):
Nope. [ape noises] TRANSLATOR
Tralnis, you fell off a step ladder while trying to bugger a centaur.
That’s a story that bears repeating.TRALNIS: Well, if it’s all the same to you
two, I’m just going to go back to reading mypaper,
and try to not remember those evenings.
[paper rustling] GARETH (09:11):
Henry, do you remember that Kraunish amulet I dug up
on our last expedition with Professor Rand?[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Yeah.
GARETH (09:20):
Turns out I was only partially correct in
deciphering the runes on it.
While the stone did provide a means forescape, the ‘Unholy Winds’ it mentions
came from a differentsource than what I was expecting.
In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that talisman
was originally sold in a Kraunish joke shop.HENRY:Oh,(fart noises with mouth)]
(09:44):
Yep, exactly. HENRY
TRALNIS (09:49):
You wouldn’t be laughing so hard if you were there. Imagine a dozen horses,
and at least half that many humans,with uncontrollable, and sustained,
flatulence for an extended period of time.HENRY: [horrified noise, more laughter]
(10:14):
What are you pointing at Henry? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
GARETH (10:19):
I think I know what he’s pointing at.
Look at the headline on the back page of thepaper.
[paper rustling] TRALNIS (10:24):
Well Gareth it looks like we made the news.
It seems that a mysterious, and as of yetun-located, sewer gas leak has forced residents
in a one block circle around the Spirits Merchantto evacuate their homes and shops.
GARETH (10:40):
Whoops. TRALNIS
13,026’
as the paper is calling it. I’m much moreinterested in what happened right before that.
Did you finally divest yourselfof that annoying condition called virginity?
No, the curse is still going strong. TRALNIS
(11:03):
You’re a handsome young man, who’s justhad
a bit of bad luck now and then.
A bit of bad luck?! Your memory must be fading now that you’re over hundred,
and have forgotten a few important detailsabout my love life. Since I turned 16,
there have been 18 separate times where I’vealmost
lost my virginity. Each time, something happens
(11:26):
that interferes with the horizontalpaired mattress dancing. At my count, it’s
been three husbands, four fathers, six mothers, two sisters, a freak tidal wave,
a rogue flock of Green Bellied Robins, anda meteor
striking the house next to the one I was in,
(11:48):
that have kept me from having sex.TRALNIS: You’re right… you’re cursed,
but that’s no reason to stop trying.GARETH: The thought never crossed my mind.
Just like you’ve taught me – ‘Nevergive up.
The next stone you uncover might be
the gem you’re looking for.’TRALNIS: Hah! That’s the spirit!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (12:07):
We Chims have a similar saying
mates, before you find the tastiest lice.’TRALNIS: What did he say this time?
GARETH (12:18):
He said the Chims have a similar saying, but theirs involves grooming a lot
of other Chims, before finding thepartner with the tastiest bugs.
TRALNIS (12:27):
And that’s why we never have raisins on
our toast, or in our porridge in this kitchen.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (12:33):
It’s a saying that came from before we started building
permanent villages. Plus, every Chim I knowbathes regularly. In fact, how about you check
how recently I bathed by kissing my hairy--GARETH: He said that it’s an old saying,
and most of them bathe regularly now,thank you very much. Henry has a point you
(12:56):
know Chim social grooming isn’t that muchdifferent from the… uh… more intimate,
shall we say, customs practiced by the Dwarves.TRALNIS: [happy sigh] I’ll never
I’ll never forget those fun times underthe mountain.
[grandfather clock chimes]
TRALNIS (13:14):
Finish up, lad. You only have a few hours to bathe and dress, before
you have to present yourself in front of theProfessors’ Conclave to become the youngest
tenured professor in University history!
[scene change music]
[outside ambience] GARETH (13:34):
I hope Henry and Tralnis get here soon. Just waiting
outside of the Cathedral of Knowledge is fraying my nerves. I hate that the building was
designed to make everyone feel insignificantin comparison to the vast amounts of knowledge
held within its walls. Just one more expressionof the pompousness displayed by most of the
(13:59):
senior professors – aloof intellectual royaltysneering down at their subjects from their
high tower walls. If I really do become atenured professor, I vow that I’ll never
be that way. Only by being approachable willmy
students learn to love languages like I do.
GARETH (14:16):
Thank the universe, there they are. [running footsteps]
TRALNIS (14:21):
[slightly out of breath] I don’t want to know what deals with the underworld
he had to make, but Henry somehow managedto
get that bit of horse shite out of your jacket.
GARETH (14:32):
Henry, you’re a lifesaver. I don’t even want to think about how bad it
would have looked if I had shown up for theTenure Arguments without my teaching jacket.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (14:42):
Here, let me help you put this on.
GARETH (14:46):
Thanks Henry, I could use some help. I’m such a bundle of nerves right now, I
would probably drop it, and ruin all of your hardwork.
[sliding on jacket]
There, now I feel like a proper professor again. Oh, that’s weird.
I've never seen any of your sewing come apartlike
(15:07):
that, Henry. It must have been defective thread.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:10):
Umm, let me just fix that real quick.
GARETH (15:14):
Of course, I’ll let you fix it. [pocket rustling, tin opening, needles rattling]
How many pockets does that vest have? TRALNIS
joined the ranks of the senior professors.I’m damned proud of you, son!
Thanks… Dad. [ape noises] TRANSLATOR
the doors for you.[large door opening]
(15:41):
The only good thing about this cathedral is that as soon as you step inside, you’re in
the Hall of Greatness. It’s nice to be remindedthat everything we teach, or research, is built
on the foundations these professors laid out.All though, it is kinda stupid how all the
Human statues are two stories tall, just sothey would be the same size as the
(16:07):
one Cyclops statue, Juth the Blind.TRALNIS: You know, it’s funny.
In every depiction of Juth the Blind I’vecome
across, I’ve never seen anything that indicated
he couldn’t see. Take this statue for instance,it looks like his one eye is tracking our
progress down the Hall of Greatness. GARETH (16:25):
That’s because Juth could see just fine
TRALNIS (16:31):
Then why in the name of my bearded grandma was he called Juth the Blind?
GARETH (16:37):
Trust me, you don’t want to know. TRALNIS
you, I think I can handle it.[snort of half amusement and half horror]
Okay, you asked for it. Do you see how the statue is dressed? Luckily,
they never painted these statues. Juth’sfavorite outfit was a chartreuse waistcoat
(17:01):
with brown paisleys paired with a pink overcoat.HENRY and Tralnis [gagging noises]
TRALNIS (17:07):
Sorry, I just had a small bit of vomit make its way to my mouth.
Gareth, forgive me for doubting your wisdom. Next time
you tell me I don’t want to know, I’llbelieve you.
[pocket rustle, tin opening]
GARETH (17:21):
Seriously, how many pockets does that vest have? It has to be bigger on the inside.
[mint tin shaking] TRALNIS (17:28):
If you’re offering, I would love a mint right now.
[walking]
GARETH (17:37):
It’s almost hard to believe that after I step through those doors over there,
and face the Conclave of Professors,I’ll have my tenureship.
TRALNIS (17:47):
That you will, lad. Henry and I will go in,
and get our seats, while you wait for yourturn.
Too bad the School of Languagesalways goes last during these conclaves.
GARETH (17:58):
I shouldn’t get too bored waiting.
[clocking ticking loudly]GARETH: As Tralnis would say, [mimicking Tralnis]
‘By the gods of rock, ore, and ale,’I am bored out of my mind.
[door opening]GARETH: Finally, it’s my turn.
(18:20):
[Conclave music in background][footsteps]
[thinking] Wow, this chamber is huge, and the audience stands are packed
with senior professors and staff.Well, except for that area reserved
for the School of Political Philosophy.There is a huge gap around that one guy
who keeps sniffing at his jacket.The guy who looks to be my size,
(18:46):
and has a very suspicious stain on his jacket.Normally I would get after Henry for stealing
from someone, but since the ‘victim’of this crime is person who teaches politicians
how to lie, cheat, and swindle the masses,I’ll give him a pass on this one.
CHANCELLOR (19:06):
As dictated in the Universities charter, no professor may be granted tenure
without arguments for, and if necessary,against being heard in front of the Conclave
of Professors and Dean of the University.Therefore, in this year 13,026 After the
Second Great Apocalypse, Professor GarethMintel
(19:30):
comes before the Dean of the University Arcanum
and Conclave of Professors, as a candidatefor Tenured Professor.
Who sponsors and speaks for the candidate?TRALNIS: I, Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,
do sponsor and speak for Professor Mintel.If it pleases the Chancellor, I would
(19:50):
approach the Conclave, and deliver argumentson behalf of this most worthy candidate.
The Conclave recognizes Doctor Granitestaff, Tenured Professor of
the School of Medicine. You may take the lecternon the right. Oh, and could somebody please
get a stepstool, so that we maysee Doctor Granitestaff while he
(20:12):
is giving his arguments?[step stool sliding]
TRALNIS (20:14):
Thank you, gentlemen, and thank you Chancellor.
CHANCELLOR (20:17):
Before we hear of Professor Mintel’s qualifications,
I ask if there are any among us who opposethis candidate being granted tenure?
PROFESSOR NUTLEISS (20:26):
Esteemed Chancellor, and fellow Conclave members, I, Jamice Nutleiss,
the Head of Political Philosophy, stronglyoppose
this… professor’s candidacy for tenureship!
CHANCELLOR (20:40):
Never in my 60 years of being the
Chancellor for the University Arcanum has
someone challenged a candidate. However,I still remember the protocol I was taught
so long ago. The Conclave recognizes ProfessorNutleiss, Head of the Political
Philosophy Department. You may takeYou may take the lectern on the left.
PROF. NUTLEISS (21:00):
Thank you, Chancellor. TRALNIS
I know the two of us have had our differenceswith that arrogant, self-righteous, twat waffle,
but I never thought it was bad enoughfor him to interfere with your tenureship.
GARETH (21:17):
[moan] Oh no, does the Dryad's husband from last night remind you of anyone?
TRALNIS (21:25):
Yep, I see it now, same pudgy face, and rather large nose. I knew there
was a reason why I instantly disliked thatbloke
from the stables. I mean other than that
whole wanting to kill bit.CHANCELLOR: As the ancient protocol dictates,
Doctor Granitestaff, you havethe right to speak first.
(21:47):
Thank you, Chancellor, now sit down, before your knees give out.
I know how your arthritis is bothering you.CHANCELLOR: Scamp.
My fellow Conclave members, I stand before you to recommend that
Professor Gareth Mintel be grantedbe granted tenure with the University Arcanum.
(22:08):
Once I list his accomplishments,I believe you, and the Dean, will agree with
me. Professor Mintel has set many records since he arrived at the University Arcanum.
He was the youngest student everadmitted at a tender 12 years of age.
When he reached 16, he was givenhis first position as a junior professor,
(22:33):
making him the youngest professor in Universityhistory. A year later, Professor Mintel was
certified as a Master in Languages,when he demonstrated his fluency in 10
separate languages. Since then, hehas gone on to be fluent in 8 more.
PROF. DUOLINGO (22:52):
I, Professor Markus Duolingo, head of the School of Languages, strongly
second this recommendation for tenure!TRALNIS: Not only is Professor Mintel
a valued member of the School of Languages,but he is a valued member of two other
departments as well. Professor Mintel's skills in Ancient Languages has been
(23:16):
invaluable to the Archeology Department.PROF. RAND: I, Professor Darla Rand,
head of the School of Archeology, also secondthis recommendation for tenure. I also vow to
keep fighting to get Professor Mintel to switchover full time to the School of Archeology.
TRALNIS (23:32):
Now those of you in the front rows might notice that Professor Mintel is wearing
not one, but three colored bands denotingwhere he works. Along with the blue of
Languages, he wears the brown of the Archeologydepartment, and the green of Applied Magics.
(23:53):
While Professor Mintel does not teach anyclasses with Applied Magics (mainly due
to his complete and utter lack of anymagical abilities), his uncanny grasp of runes
has made him a very valuable researcher.
This ability has led him, and the restof the Applied Magics team, to come up
(24:14):
with several innovative theories about howto expand the use of runes on mechanical devices.
REV. NEARWELL (24:21):
Professor Mintel, as head of Religious Wizarding Studies, need I
remind you, that it is the consensus of mostof the religions of the 12 Sentient Species,
that it was the arrogance of the ancientsin their melding of magic and science,
that led to the Second Great Apocalypse?GARETH: Sorry, Reverend, but the only
(24:44):
higher power I believe in is the Universeitself. I can see it, touch it, and finding
out its rules is a truly noble pursuit.Any other deities will have to give me
irrefutable proof of their existence.CHANCELLOR: I’m sorry, Reverend Nearwell,
but Professor Mintel’s religious viewsare not what we are here to discuss.
(25:07):
While professors wishing to second therecommendation for tenureship may speak up,
others must remain quiet. If you had suchreservations about Professor Mintel,
you should have stepped forward when I askedfor
people to argue against him being grantedtenure.
Doctor Granitestaff,do you have anything else to add?
TRALNIS (25:26):
No Chancellor, thank you for the opportunity to speak on behalf of my son.
CHANCELLOR (25:32):
Professor Nutleiss, the floor is yours.
PROF. NUTLEISS: Fellow Senior Professors, and staff (25:35):
undefined
of our wonderful University, Doctor Granitestaffhas painted a picture of a young man who has
accomplished much in his short life. WhileI
will not dispute matters that are public record,
I will firmly dispute the significance ofthese
so-called accomplishments. Yes, ProfessorMintel
(25:58):
is the youngest professor on record, but isthat a good thing? A proper professor will
be able to contribute to our beloved Universitywith their wisdom based on years of life
experience, something Mintel clearly lacks.As for the number of languages he speaks,
that high number is irrelevant. There areonly
(26:20):
12 Sentient Species on Hadronus, and all
but a few speak our common language, Trade.What good does it do for the University
if Mintel can read languagesthat no one speaks anymore?
TRALNIS (26:32):
Professor “Nut-Lice,” are you suggesting that an entire
other School of our great University is ofno worth at all?
PROF. NUTLEISS (26:42):
What did you call me?! GARETH
you pronounce his name. I’m prettysure his family name is Nutless.
Then again, it may be like how theChancellor pronounces it "Nut-lease".
Meaning he has to rent a pairto make up for his natural lack of a sack,
(27:05):
you would think with how much money hisfamily has, he could afford to buy a set.
It’s pronounced Noot-lease you cretins! [slow, calming breath]
As we all know, during a Tenure Argument,the candidate is to remain silent.
Mintel is showing the disregard for rulesthat
has plagued his time at our great institution.
(27:25):
While he was merely a student, Mintel wasresponsible for at least three experiments
in the Applied Magics lab that resulted insevere
property damage. As he has demonstrated today,
Mintel also refuses to show the proper respectdue a senior professor.
And lastly my dear fellows,Mintel, and his minuscule mentor,
(27:48):
Doctor Granitestaff, routinely engage inbehaviors unbecoming of a professor–
namely drinking, and carousing.DEAN: Ah yes, we get to the matter at hand.
Professor Mintel, would you care to explainwhy a rather influential merchant was in
my office, first thing this morning, irateand smelling strongly of horse flatulence?
GARETH (28:14):
I’m not really sure what to say, sir,
since a gentleman never kisses and tells.
The only thing that I am willing to shareis the fact that the merchant in question
has demonstrated the proper pronunciationof his family name with his inability to
keep his wife satisfied. A traitI’m sure he and his brother share.
PROF. NUTLEISS (28:33):
Why you little…
DEAN (28:34):
Peace, Professor Nutleiss. Professor Mintel, were you aware that
Deek Nutleiss has recently donated agreat deal of money to the University for
the purpose of building a professor’sonly spa on the grounds?
[appreciative murmurs]Quiet please, I would hear
(28:57):
Professor Mintel’s response.GARETH: No Dean, I was unaware of such
a gift. Wait a minute. Prof. Nutless,did your parents actually name
your brother Dick Nutless?PROF. NUTLEISS: Listen here you
middle-class peasant… I’m going to…[deep calming breath]
(29:21):
Dean, I think it goes without saying thatmy brother will withdraw his extremely
generous offer if Mintel is granted tenure.Oh… and I forgot to mention, the staff my
brother is planning on hiring provide excellentmanicures, and happy endings for massages.
(29:41):
Manicures you say? Well, that does complicate matters doesn’t it?
On one hand, no pun intended, we havea promising young professor that, despite
what Professor Nutleiss says, will be agreat asset to our beloved University.
(30:03):
On the other hand, we get a professors’only spa. It would seem that the scales
are well and truly balanced in this argument.[snaps finger]
I have it! We will let the precedents of
past Deans guide us. I believe we shall enacta
Trial by Discovery for Professor Mintel.Yes, that is what we shall do. Since the young
(30:29):
man before us holds tremendous potential,I believe the trial should be a true measure
of his skills. Professor Mintel, I herebyplace
you on indefinite sabbatical, and charge you
with finding the Lost Island of Mascal.
GARETH (30:44):
What?! TRALNIS
DEAN (30:46):
I have given Professor Mintel a task. Do you doubt that he is capable enough to
complete this quest, Doctor Granitestaff?TRALNIS: Finding an island that most people
believe is only a myth, and is barely spokenof in the oldest records, yes I do.
I doubt anyone could do that! Well, at leastsince you, our illustrious leader, have decreed
(31:11):
that this is a University sponsored expedition,by the University charter, you will be forced
to both fund it, and provideUniversity personnel to staff it.
Of course… and thank you for volunteering to go with him, Doctor Granitestaff. We have
set aside the equivalent of a year’s salaryfor both
(31:33):
of you to fund this expedition. Also, to aid
your quest, gentlemen, I have a clay tabletI
that Professor Dunst has assured me has
something to do with the Lost Island of Mascal.It is yours to use as you wish. It is such
a shame that Professor Dunst and realityhaven’t been on speaking terms for years.
GARETH (31:55):
[whispers to Tralnis] Do you get the feeling that the tenure argument was decided
long before we got to the Cathedral?TRALNIS: Aye lad, that I do.
DEAN (32:06):
Now, as per the ancient precedents, I command you, Professor Gareth Mintel,
and Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, to be offon your quest, and to not return to the
University Arcanum until you have proof ofthe
discovery we have sent you to find. Mintel,you
have an hour to clear out your office, beforesecurity escorts you off campus. The same
(32:31):
goes for you, Granitestaff… and takeyour smelly butler with you!
PROF. NUTLEISS (32:35):
Dean, thank you for getting rid
of Mintel, and that creepy little pervert.
[running footsteps, Henry snarling]GARETH: No Henry! Don’t! You can fling poo
at the Dean and Nut-less when we return with proof that
we found the Lost Island of Mascal.
TRALNIS (32:55):
Come on lads, let’s leave before they decide to
shaft us with another enormous stalactitedildo.
[outro music]
NARRATOR (33:08):
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 2. Starring:
Peter McGiffenas the Narrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis GranitestaffPatrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Devin Smith as the ChancellorO J V A as Professor Jamice Nutleiss
(33:35):
Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University
Featuring: Sean Foster as Professor Duolingo (33:38):
undefined
andA I Mirai as Professor Darla Rand
Venomous Duck Media wishes to apologize forcomparing politicians, to filthy, hypocritical
liars as even they must have someredeeming qualities, unlike politicians.
(34:00):
Gareth and the Lost Islandwas written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
[VDM Logo Music] Quack-Quack-Hiss
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents, Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 2 – The Merchant Strikes Back
Disclaimer (00:18):
This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13 for discussions of
sexual hijinks, drinking,consuming questionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language, and even cruder humor.
(00:38):
Please use caution when listening in public,as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for anystrained
abdominal muscles you may receive while listening,
or the strange looks you might get from othercommuters.
If laughter persists for more than four hours,seek immediate medical attention.
(01:01):
[Theme Music]
(01:26):
[cheerful bird singing]GARETH: [moans] Will someone please kill that bird
or at least make it drink enough booze so it's as hungover as I am
Nothing is getting me out of bed today[stomach gurgles] GARETH: Except that.
(01:53):
[bed squeak, running, slam open toilet lid,throwing up, toilet flushing]
GARETH (02:06):
(thinking) Oh gods, I threw up so much,
I think my stomach made a portalto several other people
and I threw up what they ate. Okay, Gareth,let’s see if you can make it downstairs,
and then to the kitchen,without having your head fall off.
(02:26):
Although, considering how I feel rightnow, that may not be such a bad thing.
[slow footsteps down stairs]
(outloud) Morning Henry, morning Tralnis..
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Good morning, Gareth. (02:42):
undefined
TRALNIS (02:47):
Just morning, not ‘good morning’, eh?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (02:51):
Sit, before the floor rises up to meet you.
TRALNIS (02:56):
What did he say? GARETH
before I fall down.I think I’ll take him up on his offer.
I feel horrible, and everythinghas a weird yellow tint to it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:18):
Must be the piss from everything you drank last night
backing up into your eyes.GARETH: No, that’s not why everything
has a yellow tint to it. I took care of mymorning absolutions before coming down
for breakfast. I would also like to pointout
how truly unfair it is that you look so dapper
(03:40):
in your vest and kilt, while I look likesomething a cat hacked up.
TRALNIS (03:44):
My guess is that what you’re experiencing is just one of the possible
side effects of the sobriety elixirI gave you last night. Your vision will
most likely be back to normal, in an houror so.
You should feel lucky, one of the other
possible side effects would haveturned your skin green for a week.
(04:05):
Oh… while I’m thinking about it,thank you for being my test subject.
GARETH (04:10):
Even though you showed it to me in the handbook, I still can’t believe
there’s an exemption for family in thePhysician’s Ethics Guide where it comes
to experimenting on unwitting test subjects,
TRALNIS (04:20):
Like I told you before, my father did it to me,
just as his father did it to him,and so and so forth for several generations
of the Granitestaff family. Hopefully someday,you’ll be able to trick your own children
into drinking questionable potions and elixirs.GARETH: Getting back to what I drank last
(04:40):
night, the elixir sobered me up instantly. Shouldn’tit
have also kept me from getting a hangover?
No, that would be a totally separate elixir
that I’m in the very early stages of developing.
The sobriety elixir only clears your head,it doesn’t alter any other effect that
(05:00):
such huge quantities of alcoholwould have on a person.
How many times have I told younot to try and match me drink for drink?
None of the other twelve sentientspecies can match a Dwarf’s constitution.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:14):
Let me make you some tummy taming tea, Gareth.
GARETH (05:18):
Thank you, Henry. I would love to have a cup of stomach settling tea right now
[turns on gas, ignites gas, fills tea kettle]
TRALNIS (05:35):
Even after all of these years, I’m still amazed at how you can
use a foot to do all of that, whilecooking breakfast with your hands, Henry.
[tea kettle whistle, turns off burner, pouringtea]
GARETH (05:48):
Thanks for the tea, Henry,
but just so you know, serving it withyour foot flashed me your family jewels.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:57):
Eh, I’m a primate in a kilt, accidents are bound to happen.
GARETH (06:04):
Yes, I know Chims wear kilts because trousers restrict your freedom of movement,
but I really didn’t need to see a pairof orange furred balls this morning.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:15):
Are you suggesting I should shave my balls?
GARETH (06:18):
Great, now I’m going to have that image stuck in my head all day.
TRALNIS (06:23):
What did he ask you? GARETH
shave his balls, so I wouldn’t be so offended.TRALNIS: That reminds me of this one Chim
I met at a brothel back when I was a first-yearmed student. We were both piss poor,
and decided to go in together onthe price of one of the nicer looking--
GARETH (06:43):
Tralnis, I’m trying to eat here. TRALNIS
say that at least I didn’t getany hair on my tongue that night.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:53):
At least I didn't drop my balls in your tea, Gareth.
TRALNIS (06:58):
Do I even want to know what he said? GARETH
dunk his balls
in my tea, like someone else we know.TRALNIS: I don’t know how many times
I have to explain that. I was drunk,and wondered if they called it ‘tea-bagging’
because it felt similar to dunking the boysin a cup of tea. How was I to kno w Henry had
(07:20):
just poured you a fresh cup, and it was steaminghot?
Luckily, I had some wonderful burn ointmenton hand.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:28):
Here Gareth, at least try
to eat some toast.
GARETH (07:32):
Okay, I’ll try and eat some of it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:35):
Just out of curiosity, why did Tralnis smell like a
horse’s ass when you two got home?Did he try having sex with a Centaur again?
[ Gareth laughs and chokes on a bite of toast][hoot of alarm, 2 slaps on back, cough / spit]
GARETH (07:52):
Thanks, Henry. TRALNIS
I should really learn Chimmish.(outloud) When you are able to Gareth,
would you mind telling mewhat my butler said
that was funny enoughto get you to choke on your food?
Why do you think he said something funny? He might have just been
commenting on the weather. See, Henry'snodding .He's agreeing with me.
TRALNIS (08:15):
Nice try boys, but that trying to look innocent face
didn’t work with me when you two wereten years old,
and it definitely doesn’t work now.GARETH: Yeah, I didn’t think it would work,
but it was worth trying. What Henry askedwas why you smelled like a horse’s ass
when we got home. He was worried that youhad tried having sex with a Centaur… again.
(08:40):
What is this, remind a Dwarf of his past humiliations day?
You two are never going to let meforget that little misadventure are you?
GARETH (08:51):
Nope. [ape noises] TRANSLATOR
Tralnis, you fell off a step ladder while trying to bugger a centaur.
That’s a story that bears repeating.TRALNIS: Well, if it’s all the same to you
two, I’m just going to go back to reading mypaper,
and try to not remember those evenings.
[paper rustling] GARETH (09:11):
Henry, do you remember that Kraunish amulet I dug up
on our last expedition with Professor Rand?[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Yeah.
GARETH (09:20):
Turns out I was only partially correct in
deciphering the runes on it.
While the stone did provide a means forescape, the ‘Unholy Winds’ it mentions
came from a differentsource than what I was expecting.
In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that talisman
was originally sold in a Kraunish joke shop.HENRY:Oh,(fart noises with mouth)]
(09:44):
Yep, exactly. HENRY
TRALNIS (09:49):
You wouldn’t be laughing so hard if you were there. Imagine a dozen horses,
and at least half that many humans,with uncontrollable, and sustained,
flatulence for an extended period of time.HENRY: [horrified noise, more laughter]
(10:14):
What are you pointing at Henry? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
GARETH (10:19):
I think I know what he’s pointing at.
Look at the headline on the back page of thepaper.
[paper rustling] TRALNIS (10:24):
Well Gareth it looks like we made the news.
It seems that a mysterious, and as of yetun-located, sewer gas leak has forced residents
in a one block circle around the Spirits Merchantto evacuate their homes and shops.
GARETH (10:40):
Whoops. TRALNIS
13,026’
as the paper is calling it. I’m much moreinterested in what happened right before that.
Did you finally divest yourselfof that annoying condition called virginity?
No, the curse is still going strong. TRALNIS
(11:03):
You’re a handsome young man, who’s justhad
a bit of bad luck now and then.
A bit of bad luck?! Your memory must be fading now that you’re over hundred,
and have forgotten a few important detailsabout my love life. Since I turned 16,
there have been 18 separate times where I’vealmost
lost my virginity. Each time, something happens
(11:26):
that interferes with the horizontalpaired mattress dancing. At my count, it’s
been three husbands, four fathers, six mothers, two sisters, a freak tidal wave,
a rogue flock of Green Bellied Robins, anda meteor
striking the house next to the one I was in,
(11:48):
that have kept me from having sex.TRALNIS: You’re right… you’re cursed,
but that’s no reason to stop trying.GARETH: The thought never crossed my mind.
Just like you’ve taught me – ‘Nevergive up.
The next stone you uncover might be
the gem you’re looking for.’TRALNIS: Hah! That’s the spirit!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (12:07):
We Chims have a similar saying
mates, before you find the tastiest lice.’TRALNIS: What did he say this time?
GARETH (12:18):
He said the Chims have a similar saying, but theirs involves grooming a lot
of other Chims, before finding thepartner with the tastiest bugs.
TRALNIS (12:27):
And that’s why we never have raisins on
our toast, or in our porridge in this kitchen.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (12:33):
It’s a saying that came from before we started building
permanent villages. Plus, every Chim I knowbathes regularly. In fact, how about you check
how recently I bathed by kissing my hairy--GARETH: He said that it’s an old saying,
and most of them bathe regularly now,thank you very much. Henry has a point you
(12:56):
know Chim social grooming isn’t that muchdifferent from the… uh… more intimate,
shall we say, customs practiced by the Dwarves.TRALNIS: [happy sigh] I’ll never
I’ll never forget those fun times underthe mountain.
[grandfather clock chimes]
TRALNIS (13:14):
Finish up, lad. You only have a few hours to bathe and dress, before
you have to present yourself in front of theProfessors’ Conclave to become the youngest
tenured professor in University history!
[scene change music]
[outside ambience] GARETH (13:34):
I hope Henry and Tralnis get here soon. Just waiting
outside of the Cathedral of Knowledge is fraying my nerves. I hate that the building was
designed to make everyone feel insignificantin comparison to the vast amounts of knowledge
held within its walls. Just one more expressionof the pompousness displayed by most of the
(13:59):
senior professors – aloof intellectual royaltysneering down at their subjects from their
high tower walls. If I really do become atenured professor, I vow that I’ll never
be that way. Only by being approachable willmy
students learn to love languages like I do.
GARETH (14:16):
Thank the universe, there they are. [running footsteps]
TRALNIS (14:21):
[slightly out of breath] I don’t want to know what deals with the underworld
he had to make, but Henry somehow managedto
get that bit of horse shite out of your jacket.
GARETH (14:32):
Henry, you’re a lifesaver. I don’t even want to think about how bad it
would have looked if I had shown up for theTenure Arguments without my teaching jacket.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (14:42):
Here, let me help you put this on.
GARETH (14:46):
Thanks Henry, I could use some help. I’m such a bundle of nerves right now, I
would probably drop it, and ruin all of your hardwork.
[sliding on jacket]
There, now I feel like a proper professor again. Oh, that’s weird.
I've never seen any of your sewing come apartlike
(15:07):
that, Henry. It must have been defective thread.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:10):
Umm, let me just fix that real quick.
GARETH (15:14):
Of course, I’ll let you fix it. [pocket rustling, tin opening, needles rattling]
How many pockets does that vest have? TRALNIS
joined the ranks of the senior professors.I’m damned proud of you, son!
Thanks… Dad. [ape noises] TRANSLATOR
the doors for you.[large door opening]
(15:41):
The only good thing about this cathedral is that as soon as you step inside, you’re in
the Hall of Greatness. It’s nice to be remindedthat everything we teach, or research, is built
on the foundations these professors laid out.All though, it is kinda stupid how all the
Human statues are two stories tall, just sothey would be the same size as the
(16:07):
one Cyclops statue, Juth the Blind.TRALNIS: You know, it’s funny.
In every depiction of Juth the Blind I’vecome
across, I’ve never seen anything that indicated
he couldn’t see. Take this statue for instance,it looks like his one eye is tracking our
progress down the Hall of Greatness. GARETH (16:25):
That’s because Juth could see just fine
TRALNIS (16:31):
Then why in the name of my bearded grandma was he called Juth the Blind?
GARETH (16:37):
Trust me, you don’t want to know. TRALNIS
you, I think I can handle it.[snort of half amusement and half horror]
Okay, you asked for it. Do you see how the statue is dressed? Luckily,
they never painted these statues. Juth’sfavorite outfit was a chartreuse waistcoat
(17:01):
with brown paisleys paired with a pink overcoat.HENRY and Tralnis [gagging noises]
TRALNIS (17:07):
Sorry, I just had a small bit of vomit make its way to my mouth.
Gareth, forgive me for doubting your wisdom. Next time
you tell me I don’t want to know, I’llbelieve you.
[pocket rustle, tin opening]
GARETH (17:21):
Seriously, how many pockets does that vest have? It has to be bigger on the inside.
[mint tin shaking] TRALNIS (17:28):
If you’re offering, I would love a mint right now.
[walking]
GARETH (17:37):
It’s almost hard to believe that after I step through those doors over there,
and face the Conclave of Professors,I’ll have my tenureship.
TRALNIS (17:47):
That you will, lad. Henry and I will go in,
and get our seats, while you wait for yourturn.
Too bad the School of Languagesalways goes last during these conclaves.
GARETH (17:58):
I shouldn’t get too bored waiting.
[clocking ticking loudly]GARETH: As Tralnis would say, [mimicking Tralnis]
‘By the gods of rock, ore, and ale,’I am bored out of my mind.
[door opening]GARETH: Finally, it’s my turn.
(18:20):
[Conclave music in background][footsteps]
[thinking] Wow, this chamber is huge, and the audience stands are packed
with senior professors and staff.Well, except for that area reserved
for the School of Political Philosophy.There is a huge gap around that one guy
who keeps sniffing at his jacket.The guy who looks to be my size,
(18:46):
and has a very suspicious stain on his jacket.Normally I would get after Henry for stealing
from someone, but since the ‘victim’of this crime is person who teaches politicians
how to lie, cheat, and swindle the masses,I’ll give him a pass on this one.
CHANCELLOR (19:06):
As dictated in the Universities charter, no professor may be granted tenure
without arguments for, and if necessary,against being heard in front of the Conclave
of Professors and Dean of the University.Therefore, in this year 13,026 After the
Second Great Apocalypse, Professor GarethMintel
(19:30):
comes before the Dean of the University Arcanum
and Conclave of Professors, as a candidatefor Tenured Professor.
Who sponsors and speaks for the candidate?TRALNIS: I, Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,
do sponsor and speak for Professor Mintel.If it pleases the Chancellor, I would
(19:50):
approach the Conclave, and deliver argumentson behalf of this most worthy candidate.
The Conclave recognizes Doctor Granitestaff, Tenured Professor of
the School of Medicine. You may take the lecternon the right. Oh, and could somebody please
get a stepstool, so that we maysee Doctor Granitestaff while he
(20:12):
is giving his arguments?[step stool sliding]
TRALNIS (20:14):
Thank you, gentlemen, and thank you Chancellor.
CHANCELLOR (20:17):
Before we hear of Professor Mintel’s qualifications,
I ask if there are any among us who opposethis candidate being granted tenure?
PROFESSOR NUTLEISS (20:26):
Esteemed Chancellor, and fellow Conclave members, I, Jamice Nutleiss,
the Head of Political Philosophy, stronglyoppose
this… professor’s candidacy for tenureship!
CHANCELLOR (20:40):
Never in my 60 years of being the
Chancellor for the University Arcanum has
someone challenged a candidate. However,I still remember the protocol I was taught
so long ago. The Conclave recognizes ProfessorNutleiss, Head of the Political
Philosophy Department. You may takeYou may take the lectern on the left.
PROF. NUTLEISS (21:00):
Thank you, Chancellor. TRALNIS
I know the two of us have had our differenceswith that arrogant, self-righteous, twat waffle,
but I never thought it was bad enoughfor him to interfere with your tenureship.
GARETH (21:17):
[moan] Oh no, does the Dryad's husband from last night remind you of anyone?
TRALNIS (21:25):
Yep, I see it now, same pudgy face, and rather large nose. I knew there
was a reason why I instantly disliked thatbloke
from the stables. I mean other than that
whole wanting to kill bit.CHANCELLOR: As the ancient protocol dictates,
Doctor Granitestaff, you havethe right to speak first.
(21:47):
Thank you, Chancellor, now sit down, before your knees give out.
I know how your arthritis is bothering you.CHANCELLOR: Scamp.
My fellow Conclave members, I stand before you to recommend that
Professor Gareth Mintel be grantedbe granted tenure with the University Arcanum.
(22:08):
Once I list his accomplishments,I believe you, and the Dean, will agree with
me. Professor Mintel has set many records since he arrived at the University Arcanum.
He was the youngest student everadmitted at a tender 12 years of age.
When he reached 16, he was givenhis first position as a junior professor,
(22:33):
making him the youngest professor in Universityhistory. A year later, Professor Mintel was
certified as a Master in Languages,when he demonstrated his fluency in 10
separate languages. Since then, hehas gone on to be fluent in 8 more.
PROF. DUOLINGO (22:52):
I, Professor Markus Duolingo, head of the School of Languages, strongly
second this recommendation for tenure!TRALNIS: Not only is Professor Mintel
a valued member of the School of Languages,but he is a valued member of two other
departments as well. Professor Mintel's skills in Ancient Languages has been
(23:16):
invaluable to the Archeology Department.PROF. RAND: I, Professor Darla Rand,
head of the School of Archeology, also secondthis recommendation for tenure. I also vow to
keep fighting to get Professor Mintel to switchover full time to the School of Archeology.
TRALNIS (23:32):
Now those of you in the front rows might notice that Professor Mintel is wearing
not one, but three colored bands denotingwhere he works. Along with the blue of
Languages, he wears the brown of the Archeologydepartment, and the green of Applied Magics.
(23:53):
While Professor Mintel does not teach anyclasses with Applied Magics (mainly due
to his complete and utter lack of anymagical abilities), his uncanny grasp of runes
has made him a very valuable researcher.
This ability has led him, and the restof the Applied Magics team, to come up
(24:14):
with several innovative theories about howto expand the use of runes on mechanical devices.
REV. NEARWELL (24:21):
Professor Mintel, as head of Religious Wizarding Studies, need I
remind you, that it is the consensus of mostof the religions of the 12 Sentient Species,
that it was the arrogance of the ancientsin their melding of magic and science,
that led to the Second Great Apocalypse?GARETH: Sorry, Reverend, but the only
(24:44):
higher power I believe in is the Universeitself. I can see it, touch it, and finding
out its rules is a truly noble pursuit.Any other deities will have to give me
irrefutable proof of their existence.CHANCELLOR: I’m sorry, Reverend Nearwell,
but Professor Mintel’s religious viewsare not what we are here to discuss.
(25:07):
While professors wishing to second therecommendation for tenureship may speak up,
others must remain quiet. If you had suchreservations about Professor Mintel,
you should have stepped forward when I askedfor
people to argue against him being grantedtenure.
Doctor Granitestaff,do you have anything else to add?
TRALNIS (25:26):
No Chancellor, thank you for the opportunity to speak on behalf of my son.
CHANCELLOR (25:32):
Professor Nutleiss, the floor is yours.
PROF. NUTLEISS: Fellow Senior Professors, and staff (25:35):
undefined
of our wonderful University, Doctor Granitestaffhas painted a picture of a young man who has
accomplished much in his short life. WhileI
will not dispute matters that are public record,
I will firmly dispute the significance ofthese
so-called accomplishments. Yes, ProfessorMintel
(25:58):
is the youngest professor on record, but isthat a good thing? A proper professor will
be able to contribute to our beloved Universitywith their wisdom based on years of life
experience, something Mintel clearly lacks.As for the number of languages he speaks,
that high number is irrelevant. There areonly
(26:20):
12 Sentient Species on Hadronus, and all
but a few speak our common language, Trade.What good does it do for the University
if Mintel can read languagesthat no one speaks anymore?
TRALNIS (26:32):
Professor “Nut-Lice,” are you suggesting that an entire
other School of our great University is ofno worth at all?
PROF. NUTLEISS (26:42):
What did you call me?! GARETH
you pronounce his name. I’m prettysure his family name is Nutless.
Then again, it may be like how theChancellor pronounces it "Nut-lease".
Meaning he has to rent a pairto make up for his natural lack of a sack,
(27:05):
you would think with how much money hisfamily has, he could afford to buy a set.
It’s pronounced Noot-lease you cretins! [slow, calming breath]
As we all know, during a Tenure Argument,the candidate is to remain silent.
Mintel is showing the disregard for rulesthat
has plagued his time at our great institution.
(27:25):
While he was merely a student, Mintel wasresponsible for at least three experiments
in the Applied Magics lab that resulted insevere
property damage. As he has demonstrated today,
Mintel also refuses to show the proper respectdue a senior professor.
And lastly my dear fellows,Mintel, and his minuscule mentor,
(27:48):
Doctor Granitestaff, routinely engage inbehaviors unbecoming of a professor–
namely drinking, and carousing.DEAN: Ah yes, we get to the matter at hand.
Professor Mintel, would you care to explainwhy a rather influential merchant was in
my office, first thing this morning, irateand smelling strongly of horse flatulence?
GARETH (28:14):
I’m not really sure what to say, sir,
since a gentleman never kisses and tells.
The only thing that I am willing to shareis the fact that the merchant in question
has demonstrated the proper pronunciationof his family name with his inability to
keep his wife satisfied. A traitI’m sure he and his brother share.
PROF. NUTLEISS (28:33):
Why you little…
DEAN (28:34):
Peace, Professor Nutleiss. Professor Mintel, were you aware that
Deek Nutleiss has recently donated agreat deal of money to the University for
the purpose of building a professor’sonly spa on the grounds?
[appreciative murmurs]Quiet please, I would hear
(28:57):
Professor Mintel’s response.GARETH: No Dean, I was unaware of such
a gift. Wait a minute. Prof. Nutless,did your parents actually name
your brother Dick Nutless?PROF. NUTLEISS: Listen here you
middle-class peasant… I’m going to…[deep calming breath]
(29:21):
Dean, I think it goes without saying thatmy brother will withdraw his extremely
generous offer if Mintel is granted tenure.Oh… and I forgot to mention, the staff my
brother is planning on hiring provide excellentmanicures, and happy endings for massages.
(29:41):
Manicures you say? Well, that does complicate matters doesn’t it?
On one hand, no pun intended, we havea promising young professor that, despite
what Professor Nutleiss says, will be agreat asset to our beloved University.
(30:03):
On the other hand, we get a professors’only spa. It would seem that the scales
are well and truly balanced in this argument.[snaps finger]
I have it! We will let the precedents of
past Deans guide us. I believe we shall enacta
Trial by Discovery for Professor Mintel.Yes, that is what we shall do. Since the young
(30:29):
man before us holds tremendous potential,I believe the trial should be a true measure
of his skills. Professor Mintel, I herebyplace
you on indefinite sabbatical, and charge you
with finding the Lost Island of Mascal.
GARETH (30:44):
What?! TRALNIS
DEAN (30:46):
I have given Professor Mintel a task. Do you doubt that he is capable enough to
complete this quest, Doctor Granitestaff?TRALNIS: Finding an island that most people
believe is only a myth, and is barely spokenof in the oldest records, yes I do.
I doubt anyone could do that! Well, at leastsince you, our illustrious leader, have decreed
(31:11):
that this is a University sponsored expedition,by the University charter, you will be forced
to both fund it, and provideUniversity personnel to staff it.
Of course… and thank you for volunteering to go with him, Doctor Granitestaff. We have
set aside the equivalent of a year’s salaryfor both
(31:33):
of you to fund this expedition. Also, to aid
your quest, gentlemen, I have a clay tabletI
that Professor Dunst has assured me has
something to do with the Lost Island of Mascal.It is yours to use as you wish. It is such
a shame that Professor Dunst and realityhaven’t been on speaking terms for years.
GARETH (31:55):
[whispers to Tralnis] Do you get the feeling that the tenure argument was decided
long before we got to the Cathedral?TRALNIS: Aye lad, that I do.
DEAN (32:06):
Now, as per the ancient precedents, I command you, Professor Gareth Mintel,
and Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, to be offon your quest, and to not return to the
University Arcanum until you have proof ofthe
discovery we have sent you to find. Mintel,you
have an hour to clear out your office, beforesecurity escorts you off campus. The same
(32:31):
goes for you, Granitestaff… and takeyour smelly butler with you!
PROF. NUTLEISS (32:35):
Dean, thank you for getting rid
of Mintel, and that creepy little pervert.
[running footsteps, Henry snarling]GARETH: No Henry! Don’t! You can fling poo
at the Dean and Nut-less when we return with proof that
we found the Lost Island of Mascal.
TRALNIS (32:55):
Come on lads, let’s leave before they decide to
shaft us with another enormous stalactitedildo.
[outro music]
NARRATOR (33:08):
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 2. Starring:
Peter McGiffenas the Narrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis GranitestaffPatrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Devin Smith as the ChancellorO J V A as Professor Jamice Nutleiss
(33:35):
Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University
Featuring: Sean Foster as Professor Duolingo (33:38):
undefined
andA I Mirai as Professor Darla Rand
Venomous Duck Media wishes to apologize forcomparing politicians, to filthy, hypocritical
liars as even they must have someredeeming qualities, unlike politicians.
(34:00):
Gareth and the Lost Islandwas written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
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