May 17, 2023 • 36 mins
The perky engineer, Izzy Morgana, leads the trio through a tour of the airship port on their way to the Glorious Dawn. True to his Dwarvish nature, Tralnis can’t decide if he is more frightened on turned on by Izzy’s imposing sister, Captain Elizabeth Morgana. One of the non-human crew members takes offense over their new passengers.
To see a map of the Island Republic of Draconia dropped by Izzy go to https://www.garethmintel.com/p/episode-4-map/
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[VDM logo music]Quack-Quack Hiss
(00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents,Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 4 -The Glorious Dawn
Disclaimer (00:18):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.
Please use caution
(00:39):
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more
than four hours, seekimmediate medical attention.
(01:00):
[theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Izzy Morgana, I would like to introduce you to my good
friend, and Tralnis’ butler,Henry of the Wooha Clan.
IZZY (01:35):
Well met, Master Chim.
TRALNIS (01:38):
Give me a boost up onto the driver’s bench, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Need a hand, miss? (01:41):
undefined
IZZY (01:44):
Why thank you, good sir.
[wood squeak]
GARETH (01:48):
Sorry Henry but the front bench
only holds three so…[wood squeak]
… it looks like I’ll be sitting in the back.
HENRY (01:54):
[laughing] GARETH
‘ooo ooo aah aah pbtht’to you too, pal.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Identification papers, please. (02:02):
undefined
IZZY:Just a moment,I know I have them somewhere.
[Pats clothes]IZZY: Here you go, sir.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (02:13):
Since you’re obviously not a ground
pounder, I need to think upa polite way to ask this.
IZZY (02:20):
I hated how my hair looked, so I had it cut
short right after I hadthat photo taken.
Try covering up the extrahair with your finger.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Oh, I see it now. (02:28):
undefined
Everything is in order,proceed through that gate
into the tunnel and wait yourturn to be admitted into the
airship port proper.
Move along.
[gate opens, carriage moving]TRALNIS: Damn, the wall
surrounding this airship portis thicker than the fat lip
(02:49):
Bregga gave me the first timeshe caught me with her brother.
GARETH (02:53):
Wait, she caught you more than once?
TRALNIS (02:57):
That’s not important now.
We should look forward, not back.
IZZY (03:02):
[snickers] Any of you lot ever flown by airship before?
TRALNIS (03:06):
My clan lives under the mountains near Dragonheart.
I’ve never had the needto leave the island.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Not me. (03:12):
undefined
My parents were
from Chimia, but I wasborn here in the IRD.
GARETH:He says that while hisparents were from Chimia,
he’s a native son of the IRD,and has never left the island.
IZZY:How about you?
GARETH:I’ve been on
several expeditions forthe Archaeology Department,
but we always flew out ofDragonwing on the north end
(03:34):
of the island.
Their airship portdoesn’t have anything
remotely like this wall.
IZZY (03:39):
[snicker] You gents
do know that only citizensof the IRD actually refer
to your cities as Dragon-thisor Dragon-that, right?
GARETH (03:48):
[laughing] TRALNIS:Someone want to
fill me in on the joke?
Sorry, Tralnis.
While the first explorersof draconia thought the map
of the island looked like a majesticdragon in flight, pretty much
everyone else sees a flying pig.
They replace Dragon with Pig
when they speak about anyof our towns.
(04:10):
Dragonheart becomes Pigheart , Dragonwing becomes Pigwing,
and Dragon’s Strength iscalled Ham for some reason.
IZZY (04:19):
At least it’s better than what we call University City.
TRALNIS:Do I even want to know?
GARETH (04:26):
Probably not,
but I’m going to tell youanyway.
On a map, the University
peninsula looks like a blob comingout of the southwest end of a
northeast facing pig.
For someodd reason,knowing the rest
of the world refers to the cityhousing the University Arcanum
as the city of Pigshit actuallymakes me feel better about things.
IZZY (04:47):
The reason the Pigshit port has walls this thick and
this high is to protect theairships from the occasional
brutal storms that hit here.
Those storms bring winds that
would toss the airships aroundlike toys in a toddler’s tantrum.
By the time the storms makelandfall and reach Pigwing,
they’re just a fraction of thestrength they started at.
TRALNIS (05:08):
Alright, I have to ask.
Why are there two totallydifferent types of airships?
Some have gas sacks above
them with propellers at theback while others have those
long wooden outriggers, nopropellers, and a set of wind
sails instead of gas sacks.
IZZY (05:26):
Two designs for two
different types of flights.
Over there with the outriggers
is a Leyline ship.They are usedfor long distance hauling
between the major shipping ports.
Like their name implies,
they draw their power fromthe Leylines that crisscross
Hadronus and use the magic tolevitate and propel them.
Each Ley shiphas a magical battery
that they can use to levitateif they leave one of the Leylines.
(05:49):
The batteries aren’t normallypowerful enough to provide
thrust, so the ships rely onwind power to move them.
TRALNIS (05:56):
And the others?
IZZY (05:58):
Those are Mech ships.
They burn coal to power theirsteam engines.
While they aren’t
tied to Leylines, they do haveto stop and refuel frequently.
GARETH (06:07):
I would have thought that as a Dwarf you would
know this stuff already.
TRALNIS (06:11):
Dammit Gareth, I’m a
doctor not an engineer!
NARRATOR (06:15):
High above them,
an airman wearing a redtunic fell off of a
passing dirigible whenthe railing he was leaning
on gave way.[scream, body hitting ground]
The railing hadbeen a design flaw the crew
had complained aboutfrequently to their engineer.
[metal creak, snap,scream with splat]
GARETH:We should see ifwe can help that man.
(06:35):
TRALNIS:He’s dead, Gareth.
[shudders]
Sorry, it felt like someonejust poured ice water over my
Bones there for an instant.
Forgive this ignorant Dwarf
for asking a stupid question,but why don’t they have steam
engines on Leyline ships?
I would think it would be
much more efficient.
GARETH (06:53):
Same reason as why
there were two types ofdiving rigs.
There will
always be religious fanaticswilling to destroy anything
that might combine magicwith the mechanical.
IZZY (07:04):
Oh, thank goodness.
You have no idea how hard
it is for me and thecrew to hide the fact that
we’re heritcs.
We’re muchhappier when we don’t have to
watch what we say. Henry, turnright at the next set of docks.
[wagon stops, wood creaks]TRALNIS:Look at that beauty.
(07:28):
If there was ever an airshipthat deserved to be called
the Glorious Dawn, it wouldbe her alright.
That’s the Retribution, she's
one of the IRD’s piratehunters.
Yes, she’s
impressive with 8 cannonsand a length of 250 feet
and a height of 75 feet.
But she’s no Glorious Dawn.
(07:49):
My baby is behind us.
Granted Glorious Dawn only
has one cannon, and is140 feet long and 35 feet
tall, but she’s the bestthing to ever fly
the skies of Hadronus.
TRALNIS (08:05):
Excuse me, Izzy, but
I left something back on thewagon.
Gareth, can you come
help me for a moment?
You’re the one who
packed everything.
GARETH (08:16):
Uh, sure,
no problem.
TRALNIS (08:21):
Now like I said
earlier, I’m not anengineer, but even I
can see that wreck hasso many different colored
wood patches, I’m not sureif anything is left of the
original ship.
Not to mentionwith its front cargo ramp down
like that, it looks less likean airship and more like a
(08:43):
beached whale about to besick all over the dock.
GARETH (08:46):
I agree completely, but what choice do we have.
If what Bregga said was true,no other airship would be
willing to take us.
TRALNIS (08:55):
You’re right.
I wish I could blamethis all on you wanting
to shag that Dryad, butlet’s face it, she was hot
and I would go through muchworse to show that lovely
tree spirit what Dwarvishwood is really like.
Alright, grab my medicalbag so Izzy isn’t suspicious
when we go back overto the Glorious Dawn.
IZZY (09:18):
Did you find what you were looking for?
TRALNIS (09:22):
Yep.
Can’t treat thecrew without my medical bag.
(thinking) Not to mention tetanus shots for Gareth, Henry, and I.
IZZY:Wait here while I goget my sister, Elizabeth.
She’s the captain of the GloriousDawn, and the other part owner.
[scene change music]
IZZY (09:43):
Elizabeth, where are you?
ELIZABETH (09:46):
Down here in the aft cargo trying to see if
I can glare hard enoughto make cargo magically appear
Sorry, Izzy, I didn’tmean to take it out on you.
Did you have any luck speakingto the Shipping Guild?
IZZY (10:01):
Not really, good old ‘Dick Nutless’ black listed
us with the entire ShippingGuild of Draconia.
I was
informed rather rudelythat we wouldn’t be able
to get a contract to haulgarbage on this stupid island.
However, I did manage to line us up a job with an independent.
ELIZABETH (10:19):
If that’s the only job we can get, then I guess
we’ll have to swallow ourPride and take it… so long
as we aren’t smugglinganything too harmful.
IZZY (10:29):
Oh no, nothing like that.
A professor from the University
Arcanum wants to hire us for an archaeology expedition. He's
bringing a doctor, and the doctor’sButler with him.
The doctor agreed
to provide the crew free serviceswhile onboard.
I think it’s a good deal.
We can use the moneythey give us to buy cargo here
(10:50):
to sell along the way, andmake an even bigger profit.
ELIZABETH (10:54):
(thinking) Slightly glazed eyes and goofy grin,
yep, I know where this is going.
(outloud) I suppose it doesn’t
hurt that the professoris good looking?
IZZY (11:04):
Gods yes he’s…I…
I mean that hasnothing to do with the job
Oh, and from whatthey said when I brought
them to the ship,they’re Heretics like us.
ELIZABETH (11:15):
Let’s go speak with the professor, and see
what kind of deal we can strike.
IZZY (11:20):
Just try not to scare them, okay?
We really need this job tokeep this old girl flying.
Also, I have a gut feeling about them.
Our luck may finally be changing.
ELIZABETH (11:33):
From that grin on your face, I’m pretty sure it’s not
your gut you’re listening to.
Besides, what makes you think
I might scare them?
It’s not myfault people get freaked out by
my missing eye, the burnsall over the right side of my face,
or the fact my right arm has beenreplaced with a clockwork contraption.
IZZY (11:54):
Actually, it’s more the constant scowling and the way
the claws at the end of yourarm start spinning at random.
ELIZABETH (12:02):
You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?
IZZY (12:06):
That poor wool merchant actually wet himself and
tripped over one of his sheepas he tried to run away.
When he woke upand found you
looming over him, he started yelling
something about demons with bloodred hair and then passed out again.
ELIZABETH:My hair’snot that dark.
Uh-huh, whatever.
(12:28):
Just be nice for once.
Try to smile when we talk withthe Professor and his team.
ELIZABETH (12:32):
Like this?
IZZY (12:34):
On second thought,
just stick with scowling,it suits you more.
ELIZABETH (12:40):
Come on, the longer we talk about this,
the longer we have to stay onthis gods forsaken island.
[scene change music]
GARETH (12:52):
Looks like Izzy is coming back, and she has her sister with her
I have to say I’m reallyimpressed that someone who has gone
through so much pain could goon to captain an airship.
TRALNIS (13:04):
You know, with that wicked looking
clockwork arm paired with thesword and revolver tucked under
her belt, I can’t tell if I’mmore terrified or turned on.
IZZY (13:16):
Elizabeth…
I meanCaptain Morgana, I would
like to introduce you toMaster Henry of the Wooha Clan,
Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,and Professor Gareth Mintel.
ELIZABETH (13:27):
My sister tells me you are wanting to charter my…
IZZY (13:30):
(Clears throat) ELIZABETH
Airship for an archaeologyexpedition.
Before I agree
to transport you, I need youto answer some questions for me.
The first two are where do youwant to go, and how much are you
willing to pay to have ustransport your team and equipment?
TRALNIS (13:50):
Captain Morgana, we are willing to offer 5,000 IRD Marks
in exchange for transport to a spotapproximately 200 miles to the east
of Consus.
We’ll need 3 cabins,and a small corner of your cargo
hold for our equipment.
I wouldalso be happy to perform the duties
(14:11):
of ship surgeonwhile on board.
ELIZABETH (14:13):
You do know that 200 miles east of Consus is
in the middle of theNarrow Sea, don’t you?
GARETH:That’s why webrought diving suits.
This must be a site of some importance if a Dwarf
is willing to go diving.
TRALNIS (14:27):
Don’t remind me.
ELIZABETH (14:29):
I take it we will be splitting the artifacts
recovered usingthe standard rates?
TRALNIS (14:34):
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a 50/50 split.
ELIZABETH and IZZY: Half?! (14:39):
undefined
GARETH:Ladies, excuse us for a momentwhile I speak with Doctor Granitestaff.
GARETH (14:47):
What are you doing?
The standard rate is 5 percent
for the airship, 5 percent forthe expedition team, and the
other 90 percent for the University.
TRALNIS (15:00):
By the University…
you mean the same bastardsthat basically tossed us out
on our arses in favor of a placethat will do their nails and give
them rapid genital handshakes?
GARETH (15:12):
So… what you’re saying is…
TRALNIS (15:15):
Screw those arseholes!
Besides, we should get 50
percent anyway since I used myown savings to match what those
penny pinching, centipedebuggering, fools gave us.
GARETH (15:28):
Well, when you explain it that way…
I’m sorry for interrupting the negotiations.
Tralnis reminded me of somefacts I had forgotten about.
Not the least of which is thathe is the primary private
backer for our expedition.
A 50/50 split will work out fine.
TRALNIS (15:47):
Oh… and did we mention that the site we will be heading
to slipped into the ocean duringthe Second Great Apocalypse?
From what I’ve heard, relicsfrom the Second Great
Apocalypse are extremely rareand in high demand among collectors.
ELIZABETH (16:02):
Doctor, we have a deal.
IZZY (16:04):
If you three will follow me,
I’ll introduce you tothe rest of the crew.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:08):
Let me grab some of our stuff first.
IZZY (16:11):
Leave those there.
I’ll have our cargo master
come get them.
He is veryparticular about where
things are stored inhis cargo bay.
[scene change music]
All hands to the cargo deck. There's
some new people on boardthat I want to introduce you to.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: What the hells is that? (16:33):
undefined
GARETH (16:38):
Easy, Henry, that’s a just Kwa-Kwa-Ur.
I’m not surprised you’venever seen one before,
since they’re rarelyencountered outside of
their native swamps.
Kwa-Kwa-Ur are tertiary
beings with the Kwaeyestalks fused to
an Ur body, a specieswithout eyes of their own.
(16:58):
The Kwa get protection andmobility, while the Ur gain
vision and a way to communicatewith the other sentient races.
IZZY (17:06):
Sheldon, I would like to introduce you to our new
employers, Professor Gareth Minteland Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (17:13):
Did she just call this guy ‘Professor Mental’?
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (17:17):
Well, let's be honest, he’d have to be to hire us.
[eyes laughing][Sheldon sighs in annoyance]
Hey Doc, you got anything for snoring?
This big galoot snores so much I haven’thad a decent night’s sleep in weeks.
TRALNIS (17:34):
I’ll see what I can find.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (17:36):
Thanks.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (17:37):
Hey Chim, how’s it hanging?
You know, because Chims
were originally tree dwellers,andthey hung from branches…
[crickets chirping]SHELDON LEFT EYE: Wow, rough crowd.
IZZY (17:48):
Sheldon, their stuff is in the wagon parked on the dock next to us.
Why don’t you go get it beforeyour two comedians say something
that we will all regret.
[Sheldon nodding rapidly]
SHELDON LEFT EYE (18:00):
Hey, knock it off with the overly vigorous head
nodding, or I’m closing my eye thenext time we play catch.
Let's see how well you playwithout depth perception.
[big stomps]
IZZY (18:13):
His name’s not really ‘Sheldon.’
It’s just what we call him.
GARETH (18:17):
I totally understand.
While I can readand write Urrish
it’s impossible for ahuman to speak their language.
The only time I’ve ever hearda human voice come even remotely
close to pronouncing an Urrish wordcorrectly was at a faculty party.
It turned out that what I thoughtwas a linguistic breakthrough,
(18:38):
was actually just someone trying toswallow a live chicken on a drunken bet.
PILOT (18:43):
You asked for the crew, Engineer of the Glorious Dawn?
IZZY (18:48):
Yes, I did Pilot.
Hey, did you dosomething different
with yourhead quills today?
PILOT (18:54):
My father, who sleeps on the left side of the nest,
suggested I try a new quill polish.
I was finally able to find a bottle
in a section of this airshipPort’s duty-free section.
IZZY (19:04):
It really suits you.
Anyway, Pilot, these are
our passengers- a professor,a doctor, and a butler.
TRALNIS (19:14):
Enough of that silly formality, my name’s Tralnis.
What’s your name, lad?
PILOT:I am the pilot
of the Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (19:24):
Tralnis, Pilot
is a Roehus.
In their culture,people don’t have names like we
think of them.
To a Roehus,a permanent name doesn’t
make sense.
They believe thata person is constantly growing
and changing.
Also, everyonepresents a different side of
themselves depending upon theircurrent situation.
(19:47):
The Roehus
use descriptors or refer tothemselves by their position
instead of names.
PILOT (19:52):
The tallest passenger is correct.
At this moment I am ‘thepilot of the Glorious Dawn’.
When I holiday with my parents, I am‘the son who has returned for a visit’.
TRALNIS (20:01):
Gods, that’s a mouthful.
PILOT (20:04):
It is actually quite a bit easier to say in our language.
GARETH (20:08):
He’s right. In his language,
‘the son who has returned for a visit’sounds like this...
[click of the tongue followed bya stuttering ‘t’ sound]
PILOT:You have excellent pronunciation,professor who speaks the people’s language.
IZZY (20:21):
That just leaves our… cook.
If you have anything other than
cast iron stomachs, you might wantto consider buying enough dried rations
for however long youthink the expedition will last.
I should warn you that he’s a
Scaled One, so you probably have apretty good idea of what they’re like.
(20:46):
[Henry growls]
EGITE (20:47):
You better get your pet on a leash!
IZZY (20:51):
Egite!
What the hells is wrongwith you?
These are paying passengers!
EGITE (20:57):
I am sorry, I’m just not used to slaves being allowed to threaten
people like that.
It reflects sopoorly on their master’s ability
to control them.
They are justmindless, stinking beasts after all.
GARETH (21:17):
That’s it!
I’ve heard enough!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: He’s not worth it, Gareth. (21:20):
undefined
GARETH (21:26):
Speak like that again about my friend, and I won’t
listen to him when he tells meyou aren’t worth the trouble.
Next time, I’ll introduce yoursmirking face to my boot.
EGITE (21:36):
Did you hear him, Captain Morgana?
He threatened me, a member of your crew.
What are you going to do about it?
ELIZABETH (21:49):
Professor Mintel, I promise I will keep Egite
away from you, and your friends,for the duration of the voyage.
EGITE (21:57):
That’s it?!
That’s allyou are going to say?!
Either that filthy beast stays here when we take off, or I do.
ELIZABETH (22:08):
Egite is the ship’s cook, so unless one of you would be willing
to fill his place, we are going to haveto come up with some sort of compromise.
TRALNIS (22:17):
(laughs) What do you say, Henry?
You are always complaining that
cooking for just Gareth and Iisn’t challenging enough for you.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure, sounds like fun. (22:28):
undefined
TRALNIS (22:37):
There you have it; Henry would love to take up
the cooking duties.
Did Imention Henry was top of
his class at the DragonheartSchool of Culinary Arts?
IZZY (22:47):
Even I’ve heard of the D.S.C.A.
Chefs from across Hadronus compete
to earn a chance at learning there.
Henry’s got my vote.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (22:56):
Give us a moment to discuss this amongst those of
us attached to one another.
[whispers]
Yeah, uh-huh, that’s whatI think too.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (23:07):
For once the three of us agree on something.
The Chim stays.
EGITE (23:12):
Pilot, come on friend, you aren’t going to stand
for this treatmentof me, are you?
PILOT (23:20):
Barely adequate cook, my people have a saying perfect for
situations like this.
Do not let the cargo ramp hit youon the ass on your way out.
ELIZABETH (23:28):
Egite, you have 20 minutes to get your belongings
off of the Glorious Dawn. Afterthat, I’ll have Sheldon toss you,
and everything else in thatfilthy nest of yours, overboard.
EGITE (23:41):
Thanks for nothing, you filthy mammals.
IZZY (23:47):
Let me take you to the galley, Henry.
After you give it a look over,I want you to write up a list
of what you think we need to makeit a place worthy of your talents.
[scene change music]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (24:04):
What in the name of my fuzzy nuts is that?!
GARETH (24:10):
I already told you; I have no idea what that… thing at the
back of the ice box is.
My suggestionis to grab one of those glass jars
over there, put the thing in it,tighten the lid as if your life
depended on it, and then give whateverit is to Tralnis to see if he can identify it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Will you do it? (24:35):
undefined
GARETH (24:38):
Hells no I won’t do it for you!
It might touch me.
I have a very strict policy on notgoing near anything that looks
like it may be an Eldritch Horrorthat recently came into existence.
IZZY (24:51):
[clears her throat] GARETH
[Henry snarls,slams icebox closed]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Uh, hi. (24:59):
undefined
IZZY (25:03):
Normally I would say I hate to interrupt, but
not this time.
I ate breakfasthere this morning, and I’m not
sure I can keep it downif I hear anymore.
GARETH (25:14):
Don’t worry about it.
I ate before we left Pigshit,
and I feel the same way.
On a different topic, please call me Gareth.
You’re notone of my students.
IZZY (25:25):
(thinking) I wonder how many of his students
sign up just so theycan ogle his butt.
GARETH (25:30):
How can we be of service, Izzy?
IZZY (25:33):
Elizabeth wants me to go buy some cargo to
take with us on this trip.
I’m off to the trading bazaar
inside the port walls,and wanted to see if
Henry had a list of whathe needs put together yet.
GARETH (25:44):
Henry put his list down on the table.
It’s held down by the only
clean pot we were able to find.
[paper rustling]
IZZY (25:51):
Sorry, Henry, but I can’t read Chimmish.
GARETH (25:54):
It’s not Chimmish.
Henryjust has really lousy handwriting.
[ape noises] TRANSLATORFootwriting, dammit!
Okay, I’m sorry.
I meant lousy footwriting.
How many times have I told youyour penmanship goes to the hells
(26:15):
when you use your feet?
Izzy,if you would like, I could go
with you and translate Henry’schicken scratches for you.
IZZY (26:24):
I would be honored, Gareth. Come on, the bazaar
is just a few docksNorth of here.
[scene change music]
So, what’s the story with you and Henry?
You looked
like you were going to tearEgite apart with your bare hands.
GARETH (26:44):
Henry was my first friend.
We met when I was only five years
old, and I was living in anorphanage on the bad side
of Pigshit.
Even in the IRD,Chims are treated like second
class citizens.
Henry livedonly a few blocks from the
orphanage in the same ghetto.
We would meet every day at the
park and switch off betweenplaying and him teaching me
(27:07):
Chimmish. After a few weeks ofbeing friends, some older kids
in the neighborhood got together,and decided it would be fun to
Take out their aggressions on atiny Chim.
They knew that the
city guards would believe theminstead of Henry if he were to
fight back, they thought pickingon Henry would be safe and easy.
(27:29):
After school, bullies waited in an alleyby the park to ambush him.
IZZY (27:33):
Go on.
GARETH (27:35):
I was with Henry
when they stepped out fromthe alley.
I knew he
wouldn’t fight back, so Istepped in front of him,
and told the bullies theywould have to go through me first.
IZZY (27:46):
What happened then?
GARETH (27:48):
We got our asses well
and truly kicked is whathappened.
Lucky for us,
one of the city guards sawthe beating, and stepped in
before it got too bad.
I got sent to the clinic,
and the bullies got to spenda weekend in jail. For the
next five years, the oddband of bullies would wander
(28:09):
into our neighborhoodand try to pick a fight
with Henry.
With eachpassing year, their insults
became worse and worse.
I knewwhat it was doing to Henry to
not fight back, so I steppedin every time… and like every
time before it, we got beat up.
(28:30):
At least we got beat up standing
side by side.
Henry is thehairy brother I never had.
IZZY (28:36):
That’s both the most horrible, and yet wonderful
thing I’ve ever heard.
So how did you meet Tralnis?
GARETH (28:45):
Remember how I said we kept getting beat up?
Tralnis worked at the clinic in the ghetto,donating his time. After patching
me up for five years, he said hemight as well get guardianship of me
considering how often we saweach other.
Imagine my surprise
when the orphanage matronpulled me out of class the
next day to tell me aDoctor Tralnis Granitestaff
(29:08):
had convinced the local magistrateto grant him custody of me.
IZZY (29:12):
That’s so sweet.
GARETH (29:14):
Even though Tralnis
lived on the other side of the city,I still managed to make it to our
park a few times a week to see Henry.
A couple of years later, Henry’s
parents died in an accident.
Trueto form, Tralnis took in Henry
as well and sponsored both of usfor the schools of our choice.
Henry went to the D.S.C.A., andI went to the University Arcanum.
(29:36):
I became the youngest professorin the University’s history, and
Henry was the only Chim to ever beaccepted at the D.S.C.A., and he
even managed to become head of hisclass as well.
Henry could have
worked at any restaurant hewanted to.
Instead, he moved back home,
and informed Tralnis that hewas going to be our butler,
(29:58):
regardless of whether wewanted one or not.
IZZY (30:01):
So, the three of you aren’t just friends, you’re more of a family.
GARETH (30:05):
I guess so…well as much as a kinky Dwarf, a Chim with a questionable
sense of humor, and an orphaned muta…er, human could be a family.
IZZY (30:17):
I recognize the white stripe of a doctor on Tralnis’ jacket, and the black
vest of a butler for Henry.
What dothe stripes on your jacket mean?
What exactly does Professor Minteldo at the University Arcanum?
GARETH (30:31):
The wide blue one means I’m a professor for the School
for the School of Languages.
The brown one showsthat I’m an adjunct professor for
the Archaeology Department.
Thenarrow green one indicates that
I’m a researcher with theDepartment of Applied Magics.
Until recently, I mostly taughtclasses in the School of Languages
and a few in the ArchaeologyDepartment when they were short
(30:53):
staffed due to other professorsbeing out in the field.
All of my duties have been suspendeduntil I finish this expedition.
IZZY (31:01):
Applied Magics…does that mean you’re a wizard?
I’ve nevermet a wizard before.
GARETH (31:06):
I’m the farthest thing from a Wizard you
can find… quite literally.
Have you heard of the
extremely rare wizardsknown as mages?
IZZY (31:15):
Those are the blokes who don’t even need a focus
object to performmagic, right?
GARETH (31:21):
Yes,they’re extremely rare.
At any one time, there
might only be 20 or 30 of themon face of Hadronus.
People like me,
We’re just as rare.
I haveno magic whatsoever, not
even the slight glimmer thatmost of the population has.
IZZY (31:39):
What do you do for Applied Magics if you don’t
have any magic?
I would thinkyou would need to be at least
an Adept to be ofany use to them.
GARETH (31:47):
Each of the major universities around Hadronus
has at least one person likeme working in their Applied
Magics department.
Since wedon’t radiate magic, we
are able to calibrate diviningequipment to a much finer degree
than anyone else.
We are alsoThe only ones who can sketch
out experimental runes withoutthe danger of the runes getting
(32:08):
energized beforethey’re ready.
IZZY (32:10):
I never thought about that before.
I can see why they would
want you to work with them.
Yousaid your primary job however was
with the language department?
How many languages do you know?
GARETH (32:23):
Ahh, 18 actually.
IZZY (32:27):
You’re kidding?!
Wow!
Hey, look over at thosetwo blue skinned Gutree,
what are they talking about?
[otter / seal/ sea lion noises]
GARETH (32:38):
Nothing really exciting, the one closest to us, he was telling
the other one about a new whaleblubber restaurant he found.
IZZY (32:45):
I’ve always wondered what the other species were ta lking about.
This is going to be… awesome!
How about thatRoehus over there?
The one pacing back and forth.
[clicks, t sounds]GARETH: She’s… uh…
she’s been gone from homefor quite a while.
(33:10):
Right now, she’s
planning out in rather graphicdetail what she and her husbands
are going to do once she gets allthree of them in their mating chamber.
Good for her!
And what about those
Centaurs yelling at each other?
Arethey fighting over a female or something?
[centaurs speaking]
GARETH (33:30):
Hey! Craar iv, as raoks aun'ra
mus Huirsum Trovrark kom!
[centaurs laughing]
IZZY (33:39):
Care to share the joke with the rest of the class, Professor?
GARETH (33:43):
The Centaurs were arguing over which deathball team
they supported would end up takingthe championship this year. I told
them to cheer up, at least theyweren’t Houlton Tramplers fans.
The Tramplers are so bad, they’vebecome something of a national joke.
Just out of curiosity, what kindof cargo are we looking to buy?
IZZY (34:04):
Well, since Consus is pretty far up north, I thought we would
try to get as many crates ofpig-nuts as we can get our hands on.
GARETH (34:13):
Excuse me, what? Pig-nuts? Why don't the local farmers
just raise more pigs?
I would think it would be a much moreeconomical solution than importing them.
IZZY (34:27):
Huh? What are you talking about? Pigs...oh...
What do you call those small,
brown fruits with the hairy outerrind?
You know, the ones with
the green insides thatonly grow here?
GARETH (34:42):
You mean dragontears?
IZZY (34:45):
You have to admit our
name for them makes a lot more sense.
GARETH (34:50):
Huh, that must be why Tralnis
always insisted we buy our produce atthat shop that had a banana between
two dragontears as its logo.
IZZY (35:00):
Well, he is a Dwarf…
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 4Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
(35:22):
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Jeff Vestergaard as Airship Port Guard
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
(35:44):
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk
Kayce Swan as Pilot
andLaurence Sterling Knott as Egite
No Eldritch Horrors were harmedduring the recording of this show,
even though we tried as best as we could.
In the end we just tossedthem back in the ice box.
(36:07):
On that note, please remember,evil food tossed into a fridge
never dies, it just goes bad.
Gareth and the Lost Island was writtenand directed by Patrick Mallard.
[VDM logo music]Quack-Quack Hiss
(00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents,Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 4 -The Glorious Dawn
Disclaimer (00:18):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.
Please use caution
(00:39):
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more
than four hours, seekimmediate medical attention.
(01:00):
[theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Izzy Morgana, I would like to introduce you to my good
friend, and Tralnis’ butler,Henry of the Wooha Clan.
IZZY (01:35):
Well met, Master Chim.
TRALNIS (01:38):
Give me a boost up onto the driver’s bench, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Need a hand, miss? (01:41):
undefined
IZZY (01:44):
Why thank you, good sir.
[wood squeak]
GARETH (01:48):
Sorry Henry but the front bench
only holds three so…[wood squeak]
… it looks like I’ll be sitting in the back.
HENRY (01:54):
[laughing] GARETH
‘ooo ooo aah aah pbtht’to you too, pal.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Identification papers, please. (02:02):
undefined
IZZY:Just a moment,I know I have them somewhere.
[Pats clothes]IZZY: Here you go, sir.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (02:13):
Since you’re obviously not a ground
pounder, I need to think upa polite way to ask this.
IZZY (02:20):
I hated how my hair looked, so I had it cut
short right after I hadthat photo taken.
Try covering up the extrahair with your finger.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Oh, I see it now. (02:28):
undefined
Everything is in order,proceed through that gate
into the tunnel and wait yourturn to be admitted into the
airship port proper.
Move along.
[gate opens, carriage moving]TRALNIS: Damn, the wall
surrounding this airship portis thicker than the fat lip
(02:49):
Bregga gave me the first timeshe caught me with her brother.
GARETH (02:53):
Wait, she caught you more than once?
TRALNIS (02:57):
That’s not important now.
We should look forward, not back.
IZZY (03:02):
[snickers] Any of you lot ever flown by airship before?
TRALNIS (03:06):
My clan lives under the mountains near Dragonheart.
I’ve never had the needto leave the island.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Not me. (03:12):
undefined
My parents were
from Chimia, but I wasborn here in the IRD.
GARETH:He says that while hisparents were from Chimia,
he’s a native son of the IRD,and has never left the island.
IZZY:How about you?
GARETH:I’ve been on
several expeditions forthe Archaeology Department,
but we always flew out ofDragonwing on the north end
(03:34):
of the island.
Their airship portdoesn’t have anything
remotely like this wall.
IZZY (03:39):
[snicker] You gents
do know that only citizensof the IRD actually refer
to your cities as Dragon-thisor Dragon-that, right?
GARETH (03:48):
[laughing] TRALNIS:Someone want to
fill me in on the joke?
Sorry, Tralnis.
While the first explorersof draconia thought the map
of the island looked like a majesticdragon in flight, pretty much
everyone else sees a flying pig.
They replace Dragon with Pig
when they speak about anyof our towns.
(04:10):
Dragonheart becomes Pigheart , Dragonwing becomes Pigwing,
and Dragon’s Strength iscalled Ham for some reason.
IZZY (04:19):
At least it’s better than what we call University City.
TRALNIS:Do I even want to know?
GARETH (04:26):
Probably not,
but I’m going to tell youanyway.
On a map, the University
peninsula looks like a blob comingout of the southwest end of a
northeast facing pig.
For someodd reason,knowing the rest
of the world refers to the cityhousing the University Arcanum
as the city of Pigshit actuallymakes me feel better about things.
IZZY (04:47):
The reason the Pigshit port has walls this thick and
this high is to protect theairships from the occasional
brutal storms that hit here.
Those storms bring winds that
would toss the airships aroundlike toys in a toddler’s tantrum.
By the time the storms makelandfall and reach Pigwing,
they’re just a fraction of thestrength they started at.
TRALNIS (05:08):
Alright, I have to ask.
Why are there two totallydifferent types of airships?
Some have gas sacks above
them with propellers at theback while others have those
long wooden outriggers, nopropellers, and a set of wind
sails instead of gas sacks.
IZZY (05:26):
Two designs for two
different types of flights.
Over there with the outriggers
is a Leyline ship.They are usedfor long distance hauling
between the major shipping ports.
Like their name implies,
they draw their power fromthe Leylines that crisscross
Hadronus and use the magic tolevitate and propel them.
Each Ley shiphas a magical battery
that they can use to levitateif they leave one of the Leylines.
(05:49):
The batteries aren’t normallypowerful enough to provide
thrust, so the ships rely onwind power to move them.
TRALNIS (05:56):
And the others?
IZZY (05:58):
Those are Mech ships.
They burn coal to power theirsteam engines.
While they aren’t
tied to Leylines, they do haveto stop and refuel frequently.
GARETH (06:07):
I would have thought that as a Dwarf you would
know this stuff already.
TRALNIS (06:11):
Dammit Gareth, I’m a
doctor not an engineer!
NARRATOR (06:15):
High above them,
an airman wearing a redtunic fell off of a
passing dirigible whenthe railing he was leaning
on gave way.[scream, body hitting ground]
The railing hadbeen a design flaw the crew
had complained aboutfrequently to their engineer.
[metal creak, snap,scream with splat]
GARETH:We should see ifwe can help that man.
(06:35):
TRALNIS:He’s dead, Gareth.
[shudders]
Sorry, it felt like someonejust poured ice water over my
Bones there for an instant.
Forgive this ignorant Dwarf
for asking a stupid question,but why don’t they have steam
engines on Leyline ships?
I would think it would be
much more efficient.
GARETH (06:53):
Same reason as why
there were two types ofdiving rigs.
There will
always be religious fanaticswilling to destroy anything
that might combine magicwith the mechanical.
IZZY (07:04):
Oh, thank goodness.
You have no idea how hard
it is for me and thecrew to hide the fact that
we’re heritcs.
We’re muchhappier when we don’t have to
watch what we say. Henry, turnright at the next set of docks.
[wagon stops, wood creaks]TRALNIS:Look at that beauty.
(07:28):
If there was ever an airshipthat deserved to be called
the Glorious Dawn, it wouldbe her alright.
That’s the Retribution, she's
one of the IRD’s piratehunters.
Yes, she’s
impressive with 8 cannonsand a length of 250 feet
and a height of 75 feet.
But she’s no Glorious Dawn.
(07:49):
My baby is behind us.
Granted Glorious Dawn only
has one cannon, and is140 feet long and 35 feet
tall, but she’s the bestthing to ever fly
the skies of Hadronus.
TRALNIS (08:05):
Excuse me, Izzy, but
I left something back on thewagon.
Gareth, can you come
help me for a moment?
You’re the one who
packed everything.
GARETH (08:16):
Uh, sure,
no problem.
TRALNIS (08:21):
Now like I said
earlier, I’m not anengineer, but even I
can see that wreck hasso many different colored
wood patches, I’m not sureif anything is left of the
original ship.
Not to mentionwith its front cargo ramp down
like that, it looks less likean airship and more like a
(08:43):
beached whale about to besick all over the dock.
GARETH (08:46):
I agree completely, but what choice do we have.
If what Bregga said was true,no other airship would be
willing to take us.
TRALNIS (08:55):
You’re right.
I wish I could blamethis all on you wanting
to shag that Dryad, butlet’s face it, she was hot
and I would go through muchworse to show that lovely
tree spirit what Dwarvishwood is really like.
Alright, grab my medicalbag so Izzy isn’t suspicious
when we go back overto the Glorious Dawn.
IZZY (09:18):
Did you find what you were looking for?
TRALNIS (09:22):
Yep.
Can’t treat thecrew without my medical bag.
(thinking) Not to mention tetanus shots for Gareth, Henry, and I.
IZZY:Wait here while I goget my sister, Elizabeth.
She’s the captain of the GloriousDawn, and the other part owner.
[scene change music]
IZZY (09:43):
Elizabeth, where are you?
ELIZABETH (09:46):
Down here in the aft cargo trying to see if
I can glare hard enoughto make cargo magically appear
Sorry, Izzy, I didn’tmean to take it out on you.
Did you have any luck speakingto the Shipping Guild?
IZZY (10:01):
Not really, good old ‘Dick Nutless’ black listed
us with the entire ShippingGuild of Draconia.
I was
informed rather rudelythat we wouldn’t be able
to get a contract to haulgarbage on this stupid island.
However, I did manage to line us up a job with an independent.
ELIZABETH (10:19):
If that’s the only job we can get, then I guess
we’ll have to swallow ourPride and take it… so long
as we aren’t smugglinganything too harmful.
IZZY (10:29):
Oh no, nothing like that.
A professor from the University
Arcanum wants to hire us for an archaeology expedition. He's
bringing a doctor, and the doctor’sButler with him.
The doctor agreed
to provide the crew free serviceswhile onboard.
I think it’s a good deal.
We can use the moneythey give us to buy cargo here
(10:50):
to sell along the way, andmake an even bigger profit.
ELIZABETH (10:54):
(thinking) Slightly glazed eyes and goofy grin,
yep, I know where this is going.
(outloud) I suppose it doesn’t
hurt that the professoris good looking?
IZZY (11:04):
Gods yes he’s…I…
I mean that hasnothing to do with the job
Oh, and from whatthey said when I brought
them to the ship,they’re Heretics like us.
ELIZABETH (11:15):
Let’s go speak with the professor, and see
what kind of deal we can strike.
IZZY (11:20):
Just try not to scare them, okay?
We really need this job tokeep this old girl flying.
Also, I have a gut feeling about them.
Our luck may finally be changing.
ELIZABETH (11:33):
From that grin on your face, I’m pretty sure it’s not
your gut you’re listening to.
Besides, what makes you think
I might scare them?
It’s not myfault people get freaked out by
my missing eye, the burnsall over the right side of my face,
or the fact my right arm has beenreplaced with a clockwork contraption.
IZZY (11:54):
Actually, it’s more the constant scowling and the way
the claws at the end of yourarm start spinning at random.
ELIZABETH (12:02):
You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?
IZZY (12:06):
That poor wool merchant actually wet himself and
tripped over one of his sheepas he tried to run away.
When he woke upand found you
looming over him, he started yelling
something about demons with bloodred hair and then passed out again.
ELIZABETH:My hair’snot that dark.
Uh-huh, whatever.
(12:28):
Just be nice for once.
Try to smile when we talk withthe Professor and his team.
ELIZABETH (12:32):
Like this?
IZZY (12:34):
On second thought,
just stick with scowling,it suits you more.
ELIZABETH (12:40):
Come on, the longer we talk about this,
the longer we have to stay onthis gods forsaken island.
[scene change music]
GARETH (12:52):
Looks like Izzy is coming back, and she has her sister with her
I have to say I’m reallyimpressed that someone who has gone
through so much pain could goon to captain an airship.
TRALNIS (13:04):
You know, with that wicked looking
clockwork arm paired with thesword and revolver tucked under
her belt, I can’t tell if I’mmore terrified or turned on.
IZZY (13:16):
Elizabeth…
I meanCaptain Morgana, I would
like to introduce you toMaster Henry of the Wooha Clan,
Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,and Professor Gareth Mintel.
ELIZABETH (13:27):
My sister tells me you are wanting to charter my…
IZZY (13:30):
(Clears throat) ELIZABETH
Airship for an archaeologyexpedition.
Before I agree
to transport you, I need youto answer some questions for me.
The first two are where do youwant to go, and how much are you
willing to pay to have ustransport your team and equipment?
TRALNIS (13:50):
Captain Morgana, we are willing to offer 5,000 IRD Marks
in exchange for transport to a spotapproximately 200 miles to the east
of Consus.
We’ll need 3 cabins,and a small corner of your cargo
hold for our equipment.
I wouldalso be happy to perform the duties
(14:11):
of ship surgeonwhile on board.
ELIZABETH (14:13):
You do know that 200 miles east of Consus is
in the middle of theNarrow Sea, don’t you?
GARETH:That’s why webrought diving suits.
This must be a site of some importance if a Dwarf
is willing to go diving.
TRALNIS (14:27):
Don’t remind me.
ELIZABETH (14:29):
I take it we will be splitting the artifacts
recovered usingthe standard rates?
TRALNIS (14:34):
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a 50/50 split.
ELIZABETH and IZZY: Half?! (14:39):
undefined
GARETH:Ladies, excuse us for a momentwhile I speak with Doctor Granitestaff.
GARETH (14:47):
What are you doing?
The standard rate is 5 percent
for the airship, 5 percent forthe expedition team, and the
other 90 percent for the University.
TRALNIS (15:00):
By the University…
you mean the same bastardsthat basically tossed us out
on our arses in favor of a placethat will do their nails and give
them rapid genital handshakes?
GARETH (15:12):
So… what you’re saying is…
TRALNIS (15:15):
Screw those arseholes!
Besides, we should get 50
percent anyway since I used myown savings to match what those
penny pinching, centipedebuggering, fools gave us.
GARETH (15:28):
Well, when you explain it that way…
I’m sorry for interrupting the negotiations.
Tralnis reminded me of somefacts I had forgotten about.
Not the least of which is thathe is the primary private
backer for our expedition.
A 50/50 split will work out fine.
TRALNIS (15:47):
Oh… and did we mention that the site we will be heading
to slipped into the ocean duringthe Second Great Apocalypse?
From what I’ve heard, relicsfrom the Second Great
Apocalypse are extremely rareand in high demand among collectors.
ELIZABETH (16:02):
Doctor, we have a deal.
IZZY (16:04):
If you three will follow me,
I’ll introduce you tothe rest of the crew.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:08):
Let me grab some of our stuff first.
IZZY (16:11):
Leave those there.
I’ll have our cargo master
come get them.
He is veryparticular about where
things are stored inhis cargo bay.
[scene change music]
All hands to the cargo deck. There's
some new people on boardthat I want to introduce you to.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: What the hells is that? (16:33):
undefined
GARETH (16:38):
Easy, Henry, that’s a just Kwa-Kwa-Ur.
I’m not surprised you’venever seen one before,
since they’re rarelyencountered outside of
their native swamps.
Kwa-Kwa-Ur are tertiary
beings with the Kwaeyestalks fused to
an Ur body, a specieswithout eyes of their own.
(16:58):
The Kwa get protection andmobility, while the Ur gain
vision and a way to communicatewith the other sentient races.
IZZY (17:06):
Sheldon, I would like to introduce you to our new
employers, Professor Gareth Minteland Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (17:13):
Did she just call this guy ‘Professor Mental’?
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (17:17):
Well, let's be honest, he’d have to be to hire us.
[eyes laughing][Sheldon sighs in annoyance]
Hey Doc, you got anything for snoring?
This big galoot snores so much I haven’thad a decent night’s sleep in weeks.
TRALNIS (17:34):
I’ll see what I can find.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (17:36):
Thanks.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (17:37):
Hey Chim, how’s it hanging?
You know, because Chims
were originally tree dwellers,andthey hung from branches…
[crickets chirping]SHELDON LEFT EYE: Wow, rough crowd.
IZZY (17:48):
Sheldon, their stuff is in the wagon parked on the dock next to us.
Why don’t you go get it beforeyour two comedians say something
that we will all regret.
[Sheldon nodding rapidly]
SHELDON LEFT EYE (18:00):
Hey, knock it off with the overly vigorous head
nodding, or I’m closing my eye thenext time we play catch.
Let's see how well you playwithout depth perception.
[big stomps]
IZZY (18:13):
His name’s not really ‘Sheldon.’
It’s just what we call him.
GARETH (18:17):
I totally understand.
While I can readand write Urrish
it’s impossible for ahuman to speak their language.
The only time I’ve ever hearda human voice come even remotely
close to pronouncing an Urrish wordcorrectly was at a faculty party.
It turned out that what I thoughtwas a linguistic breakthrough,
(18:38):
was actually just someone trying toswallow a live chicken on a drunken bet.
PILOT (18:43):
You asked for the crew, Engineer of the Glorious Dawn?
IZZY (18:48):
Yes, I did Pilot.
Hey, did you dosomething different
with yourhead quills today?
PILOT (18:54):
My father, who sleeps on the left side of the nest,
suggested I try a new quill polish.
I was finally able to find a bottle
in a section of this airshipPort’s duty-free section.
IZZY (19:04):
It really suits you.
Anyway, Pilot, these are
our passengers- a professor,a doctor, and a butler.
TRALNIS (19:14):
Enough of that silly formality, my name’s Tralnis.
What’s your name, lad?
PILOT:I am the pilot
of the Glorious Dawn.
GARETH (19:24):
Tralnis, Pilot
is a Roehus.
In their culture,people don’t have names like we
think of them.
To a Roehus,a permanent name doesn’t
make sense.
They believe thata person is constantly growing
and changing.
Also, everyonepresents a different side of
themselves depending upon theircurrent situation.
(19:47):
The Roehus
use descriptors or refer tothemselves by their position
instead of names.
PILOT (19:52):
The tallest passenger is correct.
At this moment I am ‘thepilot of the Glorious Dawn’.
When I holiday with my parents, I am‘the son who has returned for a visit’.
TRALNIS (20:01):
Gods, that’s a mouthful.
PILOT (20:04):
It is actually quite a bit easier to say in our language.
GARETH (20:08):
He’s right. In his language,
‘the son who has returned for a visit’sounds like this...
[click of the tongue followed bya stuttering ‘t’ sound]
PILOT:You have excellent pronunciation,professor who speaks the people’s language.
IZZY (20:21):
That just leaves our… cook.
If you have anything other than
cast iron stomachs, you might wantto consider buying enough dried rations
for however long youthink the expedition will last.
I should warn you that he’s a
Scaled One, so you probably have apretty good idea of what they’re like.
(20:46):
[Henry growls]
EGITE (20:47):
You better get your pet on a leash!
IZZY (20:51):
Egite!
What the hells is wrongwith you?
These are paying passengers!
EGITE (20:57):
I am sorry, I’m just not used to slaves being allowed to threaten
people like that.
It reflects sopoorly on their master’s ability
to control them.
They are justmindless, stinking beasts after all.
GARETH (21:17):
That’s it!
I’ve heard enough!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: He’s not worth it, Gareth. (21:20):
undefined
GARETH (21:26):
Speak like that again about my friend, and I won’t
listen to him when he tells meyou aren’t worth the trouble.
Next time, I’ll introduce yoursmirking face to my boot.
EGITE (21:36):
Did you hear him, Captain Morgana?
He threatened me, a member of your crew.
What are you going to do about it?
ELIZABETH (21:49):
Professor Mintel, I promise I will keep Egite
away from you, and your friends,for the duration of the voyage.
EGITE (21:57):
That’s it?!
That’s allyou are going to say?!
Either that filthy beast stays here when we take off, or I do.
ELIZABETH (22:08):
Egite is the ship’s cook, so unless one of you would be willing
to fill his place, we are going to haveto come up with some sort of compromise.
TRALNIS (22:17):
(laughs) What do you say, Henry?
You are always complaining that
cooking for just Gareth and Iisn’t challenging enough for you.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure, sounds like fun. (22:28):
undefined
TRALNIS (22:37):
There you have it; Henry would love to take up
the cooking duties.
Did Imention Henry was top of
his class at the DragonheartSchool of Culinary Arts?
IZZY (22:47):
Even I’ve heard of the D.S.C.A.
Chefs from across Hadronus compete
to earn a chance at learning there.
Henry’s got my vote.
SHELDON LEFT EYE (22:56):
Give us a moment to discuss this amongst those of
us attached to one another.
[whispers]
Yeah, uh-huh, that’s whatI think too.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (23:07):
For once the three of us agree on something.
The Chim stays.
EGITE (23:12):
Pilot, come on friend, you aren’t going to stand
for this treatmentof me, are you?
PILOT (23:20):
Barely adequate cook, my people have a saying perfect for
situations like this.
Do not let the cargo ramp hit youon the ass on your way out.
ELIZABETH (23:28):
Egite, you have 20 minutes to get your belongings
off of the Glorious Dawn. Afterthat, I’ll have Sheldon toss you,
and everything else in thatfilthy nest of yours, overboard.
EGITE (23:41):
Thanks for nothing, you filthy mammals.
IZZY (23:47):
Let me take you to the galley, Henry.
After you give it a look over,I want you to write up a list
of what you think we need to makeit a place worthy of your talents.
[scene change music]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (24:04):
What in the name of my fuzzy nuts is that?!
GARETH (24:10):
I already told you; I have no idea what that… thing at the
back of the ice box is.
My suggestionis to grab one of those glass jars
over there, put the thing in it,tighten the lid as if your life
depended on it, and then give whateverit is to Tralnis to see if he can identify it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Will you do it? (24:35):
undefined
GARETH (24:38):
Hells no I won’t do it for you!
It might touch me.
I have a very strict policy on notgoing near anything that looks
like it may be an Eldritch Horrorthat recently came into existence.
IZZY (24:51):
[clears her throat] GARETH
[Henry snarls,slams icebox closed]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Uh, hi. (24:59):
undefined
IZZY (25:03):
Normally I would say I hate to interrupt, but
not this time.
I ate breakfasthere this morning, and I’m not
sure I can keep it downif I hear anymore.
GARETH (25:14):
Don’t worry about it.
I ate before we left Pigshit,
and I feel the same way.
On a different topic, please call me Gareth.
You’re notone of my students.
IZZY (25:25):
(thinking) I wonder how many of his students
sign up just so theycan ogle his butt.
GARETH (25:30):
How can we be of service, Izzy?
IZZY (25:33):
Elizabeth wants me to go buy some cargo to
take with us on this trip.
I’m off to the trading bazaar
inside the port walls,and wanted to see if
Henry had a list of whathe needs put together yet.
GARETH (25:44):
Henry put his list down on the table.
It’s held down by the only
clean pot we were able to find.
[paper rustling]
IZZY (25:51):
Sorry, Henry, but I can’t read Chimmish.
GARETH (25:54):
It’s not Chimmish.
Henryjust has really lousy handwriting.
[ape noises] TRANSLATORFootwriting, dammit!
Okay, I’m sorry.
I meant lousy footwriting.
How many times have I told youyour penmanship goes to the hells
(26:15):
when you use your feet?
Izzy,if you would like, I could go
with you and translate Henry’schicken scratches for you.
IZZY (26:24):
I would be honored, Gareth. Come on, the bazaar
is just a few docksNorth of here.
[scene change music]
So, what’s the story with you and Henry?
You looked
like you were going to tearEgite apart with your bare hands.
GARETH (26:44):
Henry was my first friend.
We met when I was only five years
old, and I was living in anorphanage on the bad side
of Pigshit.
Even in the IRD,Chims are treated like second
class citizens.
Henry livedonly a few blocks from the
orphanage in the same ghetto.
We would meet every day at the
park and switch off betweenplaying and him teaching me
(27:07):
Chimmish. After a few weeks ofbeing friends, some older kids
in the neighborhood got together,and decided it would be fun to
Take out their aggressions on atiny Chim.
They knew that the
city guards would believe theminstead of Henry if he were to
fight back, they thought pickingon Henry would be safe and easy.
(27:29):
After school, bullies waited in an alleyby the park to ambush him.
IZZY (27:33):
Go on.
GARETH (27:35):
I was with Henry
when they stepped out fromthe alley.
I knew he
wouldn’t fight back, so Istepped in front of him,
and told the bullies theywould have to go through me first.
IZZY (27:46):
What happened then?
GARETH (27:48):
We got our asses well
and truly kicked is whathappened.
Lucky for us,
one of the city guards sawthe beating, and stepped in
before it got too bad.
I got sent to the clinic,
and the bullies got to spenda weekend in jail. For the
next five years, the oddband of bullies would wander
(28:09):
into our neighborhoodand try to pick a fight
with Henry.
With eachpassing year, their insults
became worse and worse.
I knewwhat it was doing to Henry to
not fight back, so I steppedin every time… and like every
time before it, we got beat up.
(28:30):
At least we got beat up standing
side by side.
Henry is thehairy brother I never had.
IZZY (28:36):
That’s both the most horrible, and yet wonderful
thing I’ve ever heard.
So how did you meet Tralnis?
GARETH (28:45):
Remember how I said we kept getting beat up?
Tralnis worked at the clinic in the ghetto,donating his time. After patching
me up for five years, he said hemight as well get guardianship of me
considering how often we saweach other.
Imagine my surprise
when the orphanage matronpulled me out of class the
next day to tell me aDoctor Tralnis Granitestaff
(29:08):
had convinced the local magistrateto grant him custody of me.
IZZY (29:12):
That’s so sweet.
GARETH (29:14):
Even though Tralnis
lived on the other side of the city,I still managed to make it to our
park a few times a week to see Henry.
A couple of years later, Henry’s
parents died in an accident.
Trueto form, Tralnis took in Henry
as well and sponsored both of usfor the schools of our choice.
Henry went to the D.S.C.A., andI went to the University Arcanum.
(29:36):
I became the youngest professorin the University’s history, and
Henry was the only Chim to ever beaccepted at the D.S.C.A., and he
even managed to become head of hisclass as well.
Henry could have
worked at any restaurant hewanted to.
Instead, he moved back home,
and informed Tralnis that hewas going to be our butler,
(29:58):
regardless of whether wewanted one or not.
IZZY (30:01):
So, the three of you aren’t just friends, you’re more of a family.
GARETH (30:05):
I guess so…well as much as a kinky Dwarf, a Chim with a questionable
sense of humor, and an orphaned muta…er, human could be a family.
IZZY (30:17):
I recognize the white stripe of a doctor on Tralnis’ jacket, and the black
vest of a butler for Henry.
What dothe stripes on your jacket mean?
What exactly does Professor Minteldo at the University Arcanum?
GARETH (30:31):
The wide blue one means I’m a professor for the School
for the School of Languages.
The brown one showsthat I’m an adjunct professor for
the Archaeology Department.
Thenarrow green one indicates that
I’m a researcher with theDepartment of Applied Magics.
Until recently, I mostly taughtclasses in the School of Languages
and a few in the ArchaeologyDepartment when they were short
(30:53):
staffed due to other professorsbeing out in the field.
All of my duties have been suspendeduntil I finish this expedition.
IZZY (31:01):
Applied Magics…does that mean you’re a wizard?
I’ve nevermet a wizard before.
GARETH (31:06):
I’m the farthest thing from a Wizard you
can find… quite literally.
Have you heard of the
extremely rare wizardsknown as mages?
IZZY (31:15):
Those are the blokes who don’t even need a focus
object to performmagic, right?
GARETH (31:21):
Yes,they’re extremely rare.
At any one time, there
might only be 20 or 30 of themon face of Hadronus.
People like me,
We’re just as rare.
I haveno magic whatsoever, not
even the slight glimmer thatmost of the population has.
IZZY (31:39):
What do you do for Applied Magics if you don’t
have any magic?
I would thinkyou would need to be at least
an Adept to be ofany use to them.
GARETH (31:47):
Each of the major universities around Hadronus
has at least one person likeme working in their Applied
Magics department.
Since wedon’t radiate magic, we
are able to calibrate diviningequipment to a much finer degree
than anyone else.
We are alsoThe only ones who can sketch
out experimental runes withoutthe danger of the runes getting
(32:08):
energized beforethey’re ready.
IZZY (32:10):
I never thought about that before.
I can see why they would
want you to work with them.
Yousaid your primary job however was
with the language department?
How many languages do you know?
GARETH (32:23):
Ahh, 18 actually.
IZZY (32:27):
You’re kidding?!
Wow!
Hey, look over at thosetwo blue skinned Gutree,
what are they talking about?
[otter / seal/ sea lion noises]
GARETH (32:38):
Nothing really exciting, the one closest to us, he was telling
the other one about a new whaleblubber restaurant he found.
IZZY (32:45):
I’ve always wondered what the other species were ta lking about.
This is going to be… awesome!
How about thatRoehus over there?
The one pacing back and forth.
[clicks, t sounds]GARETH: She’s… uh…
she’s been gone from homefor quite a while.
(33:10):
Right now, she’s
planning out in rather graphicdetail what she and her husbands
are going to do once she gets allthree of them in their mating chamber.
Good for her!
And what about those
Centaurs yelling at each other?
Arethey fighting over a female or something?
[centaurs speaking]
GARETH (33:30):
Hey! Craar iv, as raoks aun'ra
mus Huirsum Trovrark kom!
[centaurs laughing]
IZZY (33:39):
Care to share the joke with the rest of the class, Professor?
GARETH (33:43):
The Centaurs were arguing over which deathball team
they supported would end up takingthe championship this year. I told
them to cheer up, at least theyweren’t Houlton Tramplers fans.
The Tramplers are so bad, they’vebecome something of a national joke.
Just out of curiosity, what kindof cargo are we looking to buy?
IZZY (34:04):
Well, since Consus is pretty far up north, I thought we would
try to get as many crates ofpig-nuts as we can get our hands on.
GARETH (34:13):
Excuse me, what? Pig-nuts? Why don't the local farmers
just raise more pigs?
I would think it would be a much moreeconomical solution than importing them.
IZZY (34:27):
Huh? What are you talking about? Pigs...oh...
What do you call those small,
brown fruits with the hairy outerrind?
You know, the ones with
the green insides thatonly grow here?
GARETH (34:42):
You mean dragontears?
IZZY (34:45):
You have to admit our
name for them makes a lot more sense.
GARETH (34:50):
Huh, that must be why Tralnis
always insisted we buy our produce atthat shop that had a banana between
two dragontears as its logo.
IZZY (35:00):
Well, he is a Dwarf…
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 4Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
(35:22):
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Jeff Vestergaard as Airship Port Guard
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
(35:44):
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk
Kayce Swan as Pilot
andLaurence Sterling Knott as Egite
No Eldritch Horrors were harmedduring the recording of this show,
even though we tried as best as we could.
In the end we just tossedthem back in the ice box.
(36:07):
On that note, please remember,evil food tossed into a fridge
never dies, it just goes bad.
Gareth and the Lost Island was writtenand directed by Patrick Mallard.
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