May 21, 2023 • 37 mins
An attack by air pirates halts the Glorious Dawn’s journey to the sunken city. While fighting for their lives, Henry makes a huge impact on one of the pirates. Even after pulling a stunt that leaves Izzy wondering if she should kill or kiss him, she joins Gareth on his dive deep below the waves.
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(00:00):
[VDM Logo Music]Quack-Quack Hiss
(00:08):
Venomous Duck Media presents,Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 5 - AdventuresAbove and Below the Waves
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
(00:41):
when listening in public, asthis story may cause audible
Laughter. Venomous Duck Mediais not liable for any strained
abdominal muscles you mayreceive while listening, or
the strange looks you mightget from other commuters.
If laughter persists for morethan four hours,
Seek immediatemedical attention.
(01:04):
[Theme]
(01:28):
[engine hum]ELIZABETH: Pilot, I’m here to
relieve you so you can getsome lunch. I’ve eaten better
in the past two weeks with ournew chef than I have in years.
Henry made a fantasticBroccoli casserole that I had
to stop myself at two servingsto make sure there was enough
for you. That was never aproblem with Egite’s cooking.
PILOT (01:47):
I was under the impression that you hated
all green vegetables, Captain.ELIZABETH: (chuckle) I do.
If I didn’t know that Chimscouldn’t be wizards, I would
accuse Henry of using somesort of spell craft to keep
turning out one amazingmeal after another.
In that case, I thank you Captain of the Glorious
Dawn, for relieving me forlunch…and saving some
(02:09):
of the food for me. Let medouble check our heading,
and I’ll… [grunt][engine hum stops]
ELIZABETH (02:14):
Are you all right, Pilot?
PILOT (02:15):
I am unharmed, Captain.
[footsteps up the stairs]TRALNIS: Captain, what’s
happening? Why did westop so suddenly?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: What he said. (02:24):
undefined
ELIZABETH (02:26):
Not now, Doctor! Pilot, hand me that spy glass.
GARETH (02:31):
Captain, what are you looking for?
ELIZABETH (02:34):
Pirates! TRALNIS
student of airship tactics,but wouldn’t it be better
to be moving if we werebeing chased by pirates?
Yes, Doctor, moving would be a really good
idea right about now, but wecan’t. Somehow, they managed
to slip a Leysapper underus without us seeing them.
TRALNIS (02:54):
What the hells is a Leysapper?
PILOT (02:57):
Short passenger, who is also our doctor, a Leysapper
is a small dirigible pirates usewhen attacking Leyships. They
are equipped with specialdivining rods that disrupt the
magic flowing from a Leyline.Once the Leyship is fully
disabled, the main pirateship moves in for the kill.
ELIZABETH (03:12):
There! Bastards painted their gas sack and hull
the same blue as the sea!Looks like they’re about 200
feet below us.GARETH: What about our cannon?
Can’t we shoot the sapperbelow us, or the main pirate
ship when it gets here?PILOT: The Leysapper is
directly below us. There is noway we can depress the barrel
of the cannon low enough toget a shot. As for the larger
(03:33):
dirigible the pirates are mostlikely using, they will send
out a swarm of two man‘minnows’ to take control
and neutralize any defensesbefore they risk their main
ship. The only thing our canonis actually good for is scaring
away the occasional dragon.GARETH: What are minnows?
PILOT (03:46):
I have heard the engineer of the Glorious Dawn
describe a minnow as theresult of a drunken one-night
stand between a dirigible anda bicycle. The pirate steering
the craft is responsible forpedaling to turn their
propellers. The other piratewill either be stationed on a
platform, ready to jump ontothe enemy airship, or belted
into a seat so they can act assnipers to soften up the
resistance they see on deck.ELIZABETH: Since we know the
(04:07):
pirates are using camouflage,we have a better idea of what
to look for to find the restof their forces. There they are! I
count 12 minnows coming infast. They’ll be on us in less
than ten minutes. Mintel, gosee if you can help Izzy eke
out any more powerfrom the batteries.
GARETH (04:24):
You got it, Captain. ELIZABETH
we’ll need you on deckto help repel boarders.
TRALNIS (04:30):
Henry, you heard the captain,
go fetch myfighting gloves.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: At once, sir. (04:35):
undefined
[footsteps down stairs, shortpause, footsteps up the stairs]
ELIZABETH (04:43):
Doctor, just to make sure I’m not
hallucinating, is your butlerwearing a pot on his head
and holding a cast ironFrying pan. At least he
brought two pistolsand your fighting Gloves.
TRALNIS (04:54):
I wouldn’t disparage “Mr. Smashy” around Henry.
He’s rather fond of that fryingpan. What I want to know is
why he brought my boxinggloves when I specifically
asked for my fighting gloves.Never mind, I’ll find them
myself. Excuse me, Captain.[footsteps down stairs]
PILOT (05:13):
Captain, the minnows will be within firing range any
second now.[two gunshots]
Perhaps sooner. ELIZABETH
gods their snipers can’t shootstraight. They somehow managed
to miss a big assed targetlike the Glorious Dawn.
[two gunshots, glass breaking]PILOT: Or, the snipers could
have been zeroingin their sights.
ELIZABETH (05:33):
Thank you, Pilot. PILOT
Captain. By the way, theamazing chef is trying to get
our attention. It appears asthough he is pointing to the
pistols tucked into his kilt, andthen up towards the crow’s nest.
Do it, Henry! Give them a taste of their own medicine.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Time to show them what an ape (05:47):
undefined
with two boom sticks can do.[scampering up mast]
[cocking pistol, gunshot]NARRATOR: The sniper on the
closest minnow dropped hisrifle to clutch at his chest.
Blood welled from beneath the pirate’s fingers,and he soon
slumped over in his seat.[death rattle of pirate]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:09):
Huh, sights are a bit off. I was
aiming for the gas sack.[cock pistol, gunshot, explosion]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I love explosions. (06:17):
undefined
PIRATE 1 (06:20):
Leeroy Jenk… oof! PIRATE 2
too early. At least he managedto grab a handhold on the side
of that freighter. Okay boys,wait for it… now jump!
[pirates landing on the deck]ELIZABETH: Time for a lead
ball welcome, you assholes.[pistol cock, grunt]
[pistols sliding along deck]ELIZABETH: My gun!
(06:43):
You pirate prick!You shoved me from behind!
PIRATE 3 (06:46):
Gah! What happened to your face?!
[mechanical armwinding up, punching]
ELIZABETH (06:51):
That’s for my gun. [sword being drawn]
[pirate run through, grunt]ELIZABETH: That’s for
criticizing a woman’s looks.Pilot, behind you!
[quills rattle, blow gun noise]Pirate 4: [grunt of surprise]
[body hits deck]PILOT: Thank you for the
warning, Captain ofthe Glorious Dawn.
[steam piston hiss, smack,pirate scream, bones breaking]
TRALNIS (07:11):
Don’t worry, I’ll fix those ribs up later if you want.
[steam piston hiss, smack, pirate scream,bones breaking]
Don’t worry, I can fix those too!
PILOT (07:22):
Interesting. It isn’t everyday you see a Dwarf
in a steampowered exoskeleton.
ELIZABETH (07:27):
Doctor, why are you offering to help these scumbags?!
TRALNIS (07:30):
It’s the only way I can get around my oath as a
healer to do no harm. As longas I offer to fix what I broke,
it all equals out in the end.ELIZABETH: Whatever helps
you sleeps at night, Doctor.I just hope you can kill one
of these assholesif you need to.
Dammit Captain, I’m a doctor, not an executioner!
NARRATOR (07:49):
A pirate wearing a shirt made of flowing red silk
accidentally stepped inbetween Tralnis and
another pirate who hadManaged to pick up
Elizabeth’s lost revolver.[Pistol shot]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:59):
Tralnis! Here I come to save the day!
[rope swinging, land on deckslide, metal strike, squish]
PIRATE 2 (08:10):
[high pitched] Right in me pirate privates!
TRALNIS, PILOT, Pirates: Ooooh! (08:14):
undefined
TRALNIS (08:15):
Henry! The actions of one’s manservant reflect
directly upon the gentlemanwho employs him, and a
gentleman does NOT scramble scrotums with a skillet!
[scene change music]
[engine whine]GARETH: I wish there was
something more that I could doto help Izzy instead of just
(08:36):
standing here. Why am Italking out loud? Neither Izzy
or I can hear each other thanksto the earmuffs we’re wearing.
Izzy’s looking really hot,both figuratively and literally.
She’s pouring sweat. At leastI can help with that, I’ll pour
her a drink from the pitcheron the table.
[drink pouring]
GARETH (08:56):
(Yelling) Izzy, here, drink this.
IZZY (09:02):
What?! Something to drink. Thanks, Gareth.
[takes large gulp, spit take]IZZY: Oh gross, that must
have been the coffee I keepforgetting to toss out. It’s
been down here since beforewe left Pigshit!
GARETH (09:15):
I can’t tell what you’re saying, but by your
reaction, I’m guessing there is somethingwrong with this drink.
[sniff, retching]GARETH: If coffee could die,
and then somehow be resurrectedas a zombie, this is what its
(09:35):
ass would smell like. Need air![running footsteps]
[deep breath]GARETH: Now to dispose of that
cousin to what Henry foundin the icebox.
PIRATE 1 (09:45):
An open window! Thank the gods and their
wizards! Now I just need toclimb a few feet to get to it.
[grunts as he climbs]PIRATE !: Yes! I’m saved!
That’s right, missy. You haveevery reason to be afraid
once you’ve seen me.[splash]
(10:06):
What the hells did they just throw in my face?!
It smells like somethingsiphoned out of a demon's
latrine! I have to wipe itout of my eyes and off my face.
Ahh, there. Oh wait, oops.[wilhelm scream, large splash]
[large wood impacts]GARETH:mNow what ?! Izzy, I’m
(10:31):
going topside to seewhat is going on.
[running up stairs, end engine whine, opendoor, crunch of nose breaking]
PIRATE 2 (10:38):
My nose! Whoa! [spash]
GARETH (10:46):
Huh, what was that? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. What
does matter are those harpoons attached to ropes buried in the
deck. Pirates are queuing upto slide down the ropes from the
main pirate airship above us.If any more come down, we'll be
overwhelmed. Think, Gareth,think. I got it! The only thing
(11:09):
I recognized in Izzy’s engineroom was the Dwarvish rune for
power. I bet if I cut power fromthe batteries, we’ll drop and
yank out the harpoons.I’ll just need to be fast,
and turn it back onbefore we fall too far.
[running down stairs,engine whine]
IZZY (11:26):
Gareth? What are you doing? NO! Don’t flip that switch!
[switch flipped, Izzy and Gareth yell as they fall
GARETH (11:32):
That’s weird. Why did we stop falling so soon?
IZZY (11:36):
We must have landed on the Leysapper’s gas sack.
Quick, throw the switch againbefore their gas sack…
[pop, switch flipped, normalhum of engine room]
Gareth! I don’t know if I want to kill you, or kiss
you for pulling astunt like that.
GARETH (11:49):
I know which one I vote for.
IZZY (11:52):
What was that? GARETH
topside and see if we won.[footsteps up the stairs]
GARETH (12:01):
Huh, I thought that would’ve yanked the harpoons
out of our deck, not rip themfrom their moorings on the
pirate ship. Wow, that muchforce snapped all of the lines
connecting their hull to theirgas sack on one side. I guess
I guess they won't be aproblem now, since
since their whole airship ishanging sideways from one
set of cables. I’m surprisedthe ones on the other side
could take all that strain.[snap, splash]
(12:28):
Or maybe they couldn’t. I wonder if I can see the
pirate airships in the ocean.[footsteps]
Hey, Tralnis, come over here to the railing.
It looks like some of thepirates survived the fall and
are swimming towards thefloating pieces of the wreckage.
TRALNIS (12:44):
Fine, but I reserve the right to scream and run
away if I get too frightenedfrom seeing so much water.
They look like tinydolls floating around.
Um, what’s that?
GARETH (13:00):
What’s what?
TRALNIS (13:01):
That huge dark shape circling the wreckage. Oh,
never mind, it’s gone now.It looked like it was at least
four times as big as thatlarger airship down there.
[ships crunching, large splash as leviathanfalls back into the water]
GARETH (13:20):
That is one big fish. TRALNIS
I said I would make the divewith you when we reached
the dig site?I’ve changed my mind!
[scene change music]
PILOT (13:37):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, we are above the
coordinates ‘the passenger whoalmost got us killed in an
undergarment soilingfall’ gave us.
ELIZABETH (13:44):
Speak for yourself, I made the mistake of going
commando that day. Wonderful,now I’m oversharing like that
catastrophe masquerading asa human. I’ll go let the others
know that we’ve arrived andhelp Izzy into a dive suit.
Bring us down until we’rejust above the water.
I still can’t believe Izzyvolunteered to help that idiot.
PILOT (14:07):
Her reasons are truly a complete mystery.
ELIZABETH (14:10):
I know, right? [footsteps walking away]
PILOT (14:13):
And people say I have difficulty
interpreting social cues.[footsteps down stairs]
ELIZABETH (14:19):
We’re above the drop point. Sheldon, lower
the loading ramp.SHELDON LEFT EYE: Eye, eye,
Captain. Get it, ‘causewe’re eye stalks. Waiting
for laughter… stillnothing? Sheesh.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (14:30):
Lowering ramp now, Captain, and for
the record, 2 of the 3 of usthink he’s an idiot too.
[winch lowering, splash]TRALNIS: Thanks again for
volunteering to take my place
on this dive, Izzy. I feellike I’m letting Gareth down,
(14:50):
but I freeze up every time Ieven think about surrounding
myself with that much wet death.IZZY: Don’t worry about it,
Tralnis. You would have barelybeen able to move anyway with
all of the modificationsneeded for the suit to fit you.
TRALNIS (15:03):
Yeah, we didn’t think of that we sto… borrowed
the suits. Not like we couldhave found one made to fit a
Dwarf in the first place. Mypeople have too much
common sense.IZZY: Don’t worry, Tralnis,
I’ll keep your boysafe down there.
Thank you, lass. IZZY
his helmet on. I better hurryso he can get into the water
(15:25):
to activate his breathing tubes.ELIZABETH: I’ll help you, Izzy.
[helmet closing, two splashes]
GARETH (15:34):
Can you hear me okay? IZZY
sound a little muffled.GARETH: They were still
working out the kinks in thesound cable when we grabbed
the suits. It works along thesame principle as running
a string between two tin cans.IZZY: How does that work?
(15:57):
When Elizabeth and I werelittle girls, we played that
game with the cans. I thoughtthe string, or cable in this
case, had to be strung tightbetween the two ends to
transmit sound. This cablehas lots of slack.
Let’s just say it’s a good thing the priest who
inspected our gear didn’tunscrew the housing to the
connector fittings. If theyhad, I would have had to
(16:19):
explain why there were smallenergy converting runes
engraved into the ends of the cable.IZZY: There are two cables
bundled together, aren’t there?You would need one in each
direction with reversed runesat the opposite ends for it to
work correctly.GARETH: Very good, Izzy. I’m
impressed. You’re right, weuse two cables.Before I left,
(16:39):
the Applied Magics gents andI were experimenting with
which runes worked the best.That’s why our voices sound
muffled. We haven’t quitefound the right combination
of…runes and cable material.IZZY:Gareth, if you keep
turning like that, you’regoing to wrap yourself
up in the cable.GARETH: Sorry. I keep seeing
(17:00):
something out of the corner ofmy eye. A large something with
far too many teeth for myliking. Whenever I turn to get
a better look at it, it dartsoff. It looks like the lights
are keeping it away, so Idon’t think we have to worry
too much about it.IZZY: After watching that
leviathan eat the Leysapper,I’m not as confident. Float
over here so we can touchsuits, back-to-back.
(17:22):
Good plan. Better safe than sorry.
IZZY (17:24):
Other than a city that was submerged in a terrible
earthquake, what exactlyare we looking for?
GARETH (17:31):
To be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure.
The first tablet was found ina ruined temple deep in the
plains of the SouthernContinent. I’m hoping we can
find a similar building, andstart our search from there.
IZZY (17:44):
You mean something like a stepped pyramid?
GARETH (17:46):
Yes, something like that.
IZZY (17:49):
Look over here, and down about 20 degrees.
GARETH (17:53):
Good eyes, Izzy. That’s exactly where we
should start looking.IZZY: Oh no, we’re facing
the same direction. Gareth,remember that thing you were
trying to see thatkept swimming away?
Yeah. Why? IZZY
time to speed up our descent.GARETH: Looking at an angry
(18:17):
eye bigger than my helmet andclose enough to touch, makes
part of my mind very proud ofyou, Izzy, for staying so calm.
Another small part of my mindis suggesting I scream, void
my bladder, and curl up intoa terrified ball. I am trying
to use what parts areLeftover to come up
(18:37):
with a way toget us out of this.
IZZY (18:39):
Thanks. Now work Quicker before we’re eaten,
because I’m out of ideas.GARETH: Okay, I think I’ve
got it. There is an emergencyvalve on the right side of your
belt. If we turn them all theway counterclockwise, it will
flood our ballast pouches andwe’ll sink like rocks. We just
need to make sure we turn thevalves at the same time so we
don’t get separated andsnap the communication cable
(19:00):
On the count of three? GARETH
THREE!! GARETH
that opening at the top of thetemple. It’s stone and looks
too small for our new friendto fit through.
Whew, we made it! GARETH
GARETH (19:24):
It looks like that thing left for now.
IZZY (19:28):
I’ve got to hand it to you, Professor, this is
definitely the least boringfirst date I’ve been on.
GARETH (19:34):
Sorry, I think my helmet got hit by a rock.
I’m getting some feedbackon my end of the cable.
What did you say?IZZY: Uh... Nothing, you must
be hearing things. Come on,
let’s explore this temple andgive our fishy friend time to
lose interest in us.[swimming]
Izzy, hold up for a minute. My light just reflected
(19:59):
off something in thisroom off to our left.
IZZY (20:01):
What did you find? Oh wow! There have to be hundreds
of these tiny metal statues.GARETH: This one even has a
tiny removable sword in itshand. Open your sack, and we’ll
put as many of thesestatues into it as we can.
After that should we head back up?
GARETH (20:18):
Not quite yet. I want to see what’s at the heart
of this pyramid.IZZY: Lead on.
[swimming]IZZY: Huh, I don’t know what
I was expecting to find at theheart of this pyramid, but a
room ringed with statues anda black stone altar in the
center sure wasn’t it. Theskeletons scattered around
the floor add a nice, creepyfeel. Maybe I should decorate
(20:40):
my cabin this way? Gareth,Are you listening to me? Why
are you staring at that statuewith the strange armor and
black rod in its hand. Weird,they look human, but have ears
that point up insteadback like an elf’s.
Gareth! Snap out of it.GARETH: What? Oh, sorry.
IZZY (21:00):
Here, [stone sliding]
you can keep the rod as a remembrance of
your time together.GARETH: Yeah, sure. Thanks.
Come on, let’s go Check out that altar.
[swimming]IZZY: Well, that’s underwhelming.
Nothing here but astupid clay tablet.
GARETH (21:19):
I don’t think so, Izzy. First off, that clay
tablet is just like the onethat housed the metal tablet
that I showed you. Secondly,why would someone go to such
great lengths to set up atrap over something worthless.
IZZY:Trap?! What trap?!GARETH: The one we set off by
(21:42):
coming in here. Let me put thetablet into my sack, and then
let’s turn around slowly.IZZY: Okay, everything looks
the same to me – lots of water,stone statues, and skeletons
on the floor.GARETH: How many skeletons
do you count?IZZY: One, two, three,
four, Five.GARETH: Damn. I was hoping I
(22:04):
had miscounted. There wereonly three when we entered
the room. And now theskeletons are standing up
and they have swords in theirhands. Sometimes I hate
it when I’m right.IZZY:If you skinny bitches
think we’re going downwithout a fight, your skulls
are emptier than they look.[slow swish through water]
IZZY (22:23):
Well, punching them did absolutely nothing. Did I say
skinny bitches? I meant thatthose bleached bones are
really thinning. It’s a goodlook for you. Oh crap.
[sword clang]GARETH: No one hurts Izzy
when I’m around.IZZY: Well, now we know that
whatever that rod ismade from is as at
least as strong as steel.[crack, magic noise]
And it works on skeletons. It knocked the hand holding the
(22:47):
sword clean off.[crack]
GARETH (22:50):
Separated its head from the rest of the body just
as easily. Take its sword whileI put the skull in my sack.
Tralnis will want to study itlater. I just have to be
careful since its jaws arestill clacking like mad.
IZZY (23:01):
Will do, and I’m taking its femur as an off hand weapon
just because I know it will pissit off. Okay, now that I’m armed
as well, we’re back to y’allbeing skinny bitches. Hee-yah!
That is totally not fair! Your bones just reconnected
instead of floating away likethe ones that Gareth hits. Why
(23:21):
are you rubbing your handsunder your eye sockets like
you’re crying? Are you mockingme? You are, aren’t you? Here,
have an extra bone in yourextremely underweight face.
[crunch][xylophone sound]
Yeah, somehow I don’t think taking off your own skull
to stand on won’t reallywork out for you.
GARETH (23:41):
This is pretty interesting. Whichever bone I
touch with this rod immediatelyseparates from the others, even
if I strike several in a row.[startled yelp]
IZZY (23:52):
Gareth! You’ve been stabbed through the leg!
GARETH (23:54):
I’m okay. It tried to go for my femoral artery. The
bulkiness of the suit must havethrown off its aim. That doesn’t
mean I’m not pissed off though.How about an equally low blow?
[crack, magic sound,bowling pins going down]
Note to self, using the rod tostrike to the groin of a skeleton
will disconnect all 206 bonesin its body at the same time.
(24:15):
[pained yelp]IZZY: I thought you said
it didn’t hurt you?GARETH: Sorry, that sound was
the noise every guy will make
when ice water comes intocontact with a certain part of
their anatomy. DesiccatedDwarf Danglies, that water’s
cold! Wait! Where is the lastskeleton? We only took down four.
IZZY (24:33):
I think after seeing us take apart its compatriots,
it’s pretending to be deaderthan it already is. I saw it
doing a dead man float throughthe door at the end of the room.
GARETH (24:45):
That’s good, because I’m starting to lose feeling in
my legs. In fact, I don’t thinkI can move them at all.
IZZY (24:54):
Don’t worry, I’ll wrap my arms around you and kick for
both of us. We’ll be at thesurface before you know it.
[scene change music]
ELIZABETH (25:06):
You were nearly killed a couple of times for this
stupid clay tablet?!IZZY: Well, yes, but
we also got these.[dumps figurines on table]
At least we should be able to get a decent price
for those tiny statues. Theonly people interested in a
clay tablet would be scholars,and no offense Professor, but
(25:27):
your kind aren’t knownfor their large fortunes.
GARETH (25:29):
None taken. TRALNIS
does this tablet say thesame thing as the last one?
Yep, ‘break to open’. [tablet smashing]
ELIZABETH (25:39):
What in the hells is that?
TRALNIS (25:41):
Directions to the next dig site. Where are we
going next, Gareth?GARETH: Let me check my
notes and the map we brought.[scroll unrolls]
GARETH (25:52):
Looks like we’ll be headed to Chimia.
TRALNIS (25:55):
We’ll need to pick up some supplies first so I can
whip up some bug repellent.From what I’ve read, the
jungles of Chimia are home tomore species of the little
blighters than anywhereelse on the planet.
ELIZABETH (26:07):
Wait just one blasted minute! Who said
anything about taking youlot anywhere?! You paid us
to take you to the archaeologysite and stand by while you did
whatever you scholars do. Wenever agreed to join you on some
bloody scavenger hunt acrossHadronus. Especially one that
puts my crew in danger!IZZY: Elizabeth…
(26:29):
No, Izzy! You almost got eaten by a giant
fish, crushed by falling debris,and skewered by a group of
skeletons! After that, you hadto risk your own safety to
literally drag the Professor,someone who supposedly
knew what he wasdoing, to safety.
IZZY (26:45):
Gareth saved my life down there as well. I’m an
adult now. You had betterstart treating me like one!
ELIZABETH (26:51):
You might be an adult, but I’m captain of this
airship and your older sister.I would be failing in both
duties if I let you get killed!TRALNIS: Gareth lad, why don’t
you take the young missy hereout onto deck for some fresh
air? As the financial officerof this expedition, I’ll negotiate
new terms with the captain.IZZY: That sounds like a very
(27:13):
good idea. As part owner ofThe Glorious Dawn, I’ll back
whatever you offer, Tralnis.If Elizabeth disagrees, we’ll
put it to a vote amongst theother crew members. If you
need me, Lizard Breath,I’ll be up on deck.
GARETH (27:28):
You know, Izzy I think seeing you stand up to
Elizabeth is even moreimpressive than what you
did on our dive. I don’t mindtelling you that she scares me.
IZZY (27:39):
It’s the arm. It scares most people.
GARETH (27:42):
That’s not it, at least not all of it. What’s scary is
how she’s always glaring at me,and I get the distinct impression
she wants to ram thatmechanical arm somewhere
I would rather it not go.IZZY:[chuckle]
What was that you called Elizabeth before we left?
IZZY (28:02):
I called her Lizard Breath. When I was very young, my
parents always referred tomy sister as Liz. One day,
I heard them use her full namewhen she had gotten in some
really serious trouble. Youknow, the type of trouble when
your parents use your first,middle, and last name.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…GARETH: It’s okay.
(28:25):
Go on with your story.IZZY: The point of the story
is that I misheard what mymother said. I thought she
had said ‘Lizard Breath’instead of Elizabeth. In my
defense, Liz could just aseasily be a shortened version
of Lizard as Elizabeth. Thenext time I got mad at Liz, I
(28:45):
used the same tone as mymother, and called her Lizard
Breath. Both Mum and Dadthought it was the funniest
thing they had ever heard.They used the new name
whenever they wanted to teaseher. I only use it now when I
want Elizabeth to know I’mreally angry with her.
GARETH (29:00):
Your parents sound like people I would really
like to get to know.IZZY:I think they would have
liked you too. My parents rana shipping business that they
had grown from a single shipinto a small fleet. They met
when my father was the pilotand my mother the engineer of
the same airship. They diedwhen I was 12. A group of
merchants who operated on thewrong side of the law took
(29:22):
offense at how my parentsrefused to either do business
with them, or pay protectionmoney. In one night, they set
fire to every ship on our businessdock, as well as our home.
What happened after that?
IZZY (29:34):
The fire spread so fast; we never had a chance to get
out of our rooms. Smoke wascoming from under my door,
so I opened the secret passageFather had installed between my
room and Elizabeth’s to seeif she was alright. Her room
was already on fire. I foundElizabeth trapped under a
burning piece of wall that hadfallen on her. Her spare
(29:56):
blanket was on the floor, soI used it to smother the flames
on her body. After wrappingElizabeth up in the blanket,
I somehow managed to pull herinto my room and shut the
secret door behind us. When Iopened my bedroom window, I
saw the grounds had been putto the torch as well. I went
back to where I had leftElizabeth, and held her burned
(30:19):
face in my hand while I triedto prepare myself to die.
GARETH (30:23):
Dear Gods… IZZY
suddenly I saw the most
beautiful thing ever. The beatup bow of an airship freighter
was smashing through my wall.It was a freighter my parents
had been consideringdecommissioning. The airship
reversed its course, andlowered its cargo ramp.
(30:44):
The captain of the ship andhis cargo master ran in,
scooped up me and Elizabeth,and then got us to safety.
How did that ship avoid being torched with the others?
IZZY (30:54):
The captain of the Glorious Dawn had run
into bad weather and wasseveral hours past due. While
they were still off of the coast,Captain Dunning could see the
docks ablaze. He had beenfriends with both my parents
for many years, so he burnedall of their available Aetherium
ore to get to our home. OnceDunning got there, he found
the whole house on fire. He hadgiven up hope when he suddenly
(31:16):
saw me open my window. Dunninghad always been a man of action,
and decided that ramming thehouse would be the quickest way
to get me out of that inferno.He and I used all of my parents’
money to pay for the bestmedical attention we could
get for Elizabeth.GARETH: (thinking) Now I feel
guilty for every negative
thought I’ve hadabout this old airship.
(31:38):
(outloud) What happened toCaptain Dunning?
Dunning retired about four years ago and made
Elizabeth captain. He’s livingon a tropical island with a
native girl he married. We stopby every now and then to check
on him. Of course, after ourlast visit, we’ll give him
warning that we're coming.It will give them a chance to
put some clothes on. OkayProfessor, enough about my
(32:01):
past. I would like to hearabout what we are actually
doing on this voyage. It’sobviously more than just
some simplearchaeology expedition.
GARETH (32:09):
This all started when there was a disagreement over
me getting my tenure at theUniversity Arcanum. To settle
the matter, the powers that begave me what they thought was
an impossible quest - find theLost Island of Mascal. We were
given a clay tablet thatsupposedly had something
(32:31):
to do with Mascal. I’m surethe Dean just assumed it was
more delusional rantings fromProfessor Dunst, or else the
Dean would have never givenit to us in the first place. We
also thought the tablet wasuseless until Henry noticed
something. The tablet hadhidden markings on it in a
language that, as far as I know,I’m the only one who can read.
(32:54):
A language I don’tremember learning.
IZZY (32:57):
Huh? GARETH
found me in my lifeboat, Iknew my name and how old
I was, but nothing else.My memory was a complete
blank. To make matters evenworse, I spoke in a language
that no one had ever heardbefore. Luckily, I picked up
the Trade language incrediblyfast, and I was able to tell the
(33:20):
orphanage workers my nameafter only a week. A small part
of me wants to complete thisquest just so I can rub the
University Arcanum’s noses init before I tell them I would
rather kiss a rabid badger thanever teach for them again. The
rest of me is hoping I can findout more about where I came
from… and what I am.IZZY: What do you mean
(33:45):
what you are?GARETH: I always thought I was
some sort of mutant, a personwith a genetic abnormality.
But now I’m not so sure.IZZY: Alright, out with it.
Were you born with a centermouth like an Ur, or seven
toes on each foot? What I cansee looks like grade ‘A’ human
(34:06):
stock to me.GARETH: Do you remember the
statues in the altar room?IZZY: Hard to forget when you
were so mesmerized by them.GARETH: It’s more than just a
mysterious language that tiesme to this puzzle now. Look, if I
brush my hair backlike this, you can see
what I’m talking about.IZZY: Your ears, they’re pointed
like the ones on those statues.Other than the ears, anything
(34:30):
else different from usrun of the mill humans?
GARETH (34:34):
Not that Tralnis and I could find. My insides might
be different, but withoutcutting me open, we’ll never
know. And I’m not too keenon being cut open.
IZZY (34:46):
Can I touch them? Your ears I mean.
GARETH (34:50):
[chuckle] Sure. IZZY:They’re soft
just like a human’s. I wonderif your lips are just as soft.
I can think of a few ways you can find out.
TRALNIS (35:01):
[clears throat /record stop]
Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might want
to know that the Captain andI have come to an agreement.
I had to turn over half of ourshare of the figurines to get
her to see thingsour way though.
IZZY (35:15):
That doesn’t sound like Lizard Breath. She would
normally have fought youwell into the morning.
TRALNIS (35:20):
There’s the distinct possibility that I might have
played dirty. I reminded herthat if Gareth and I go, Henry
leaves with us. I don’t thinkshe was willing to give up his
cooking quite yet.IZZY: That is playing dirty.
If we lost Henry and had tohire Egite back, I would
probably jump ship, no matterhow high up we were flying.
(35:42):
We’ll be stopping at St. Mareen to sell the loot
and pick up supplies. Or atleast you lot will. I plan on
kissing the ground as soonwe land, and then getting piss
drunk after spending somuch time over the water.
[outro music]
(36:04):
This has been Gareth andthe Lost Island. Episode 5
Starring:
Peter McGiffen as theNarrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
(36:25):
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk
Kayce Swan as Pilot
Featuring:
Alex Vancil, Peter McGiffen,Patrick Mallard, Derek Fein,
(36:51):
and O J V A as the Pirates
Venomous Duck Media wishesto apologize to skeletons for
calling them skinny bitches.That said, as skeletons you
still have teeth, would itkill you to eat a biscuit?
Gareth and the Lost Islandwas written
and directed byPatrick Mallard
[VDM Logo Music]Quack-Quack Hiss
(00:08):
Venomous Duck Media presents,Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 5 - AdventuresAbove and Below the Waves
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
(00:41):
when listening in public, asthis story may cause audible
Laughter. Venomous Duck Mediais not liable for any strained
abdominal muscles you mayreceive while listening, or
the strange looks you mightget from other commuters.
If laughter persists for morethan four hours,
Seek immediatemedical attention.
(01:04):
[Theme]
(01:28):
[engine hum]ELIZABETH: Pilot, I’m here to
relieve you so you can getsome lunch. I’ve eaten better
in the past two weeks with ournew chef than I have in years.
Henry made a fantasticBroccoli casserole that I had
to stop myself at two servingsto make sure there was enough
for you. That was never aproblem with Egite’s cooking.
PILOT (01:47):
I was under the impression that you hated
all green vegetables, Captain.ELIZABETH: (chuckle) I do.
If I didn’t know that Chimscouldn’t be wizards, I would
accuse Henry of using somesort of spell craft to keep
turning out one amazingmeal after another.
In that case, I thank you Captain of the Glorious
Dawn, for relieving me forlunch…and saving some
(02:09):
of the food for me. Let medouble check our heading,
and I’ll… [grunt][engine hum stops]
ELIZABETH (02:14):
Are you all right, Pilot?
PILOT (02:15):
I am unharmed, Captain.
[footsteps up the stairs]TRALNIS: Captain, what’s
happening? Why did westop so suddenly?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: What he said. (02:24):
undefined
ELIZABETH (02:26):
Not now, Doctor! Pilot, hand me that spy glass.
GARETH (02:31):
Captain, what are you looking for?
ELIZABETH (02:34):
Pirates! TRALNIS
student of airship tactics,but wouldn’t it be better
to be moving if we werebeing chased by pirates?
Yes, Doctor, moving would be a really good
idea right about now, but wecan’t. Somehow, they managed
to slip a Leysapper underus without us seeing them.
TRALNIS (02:54):
What the hells is a Leysapper?
PILOT (02:57):
Short passenger, who is also our doctor, a Leysapper
is a small dirigible pirates usewhen attacking Leyships. They
are equipped with specialdivining rods that disrupt the
magic flowing from a Leyline.Once the Leyship is fully
disabled, the main pirateship moves in for the kill.
ELIZABETH (03:12):
There! Bastards painted their gas sack and hull
the same blue as the sea!Looks like they’re about 200
feet below us.GARETH: What about our cannon?
Can’t we shoot the sapperbelow us, or the main pirate
ship when it gets here?PILOT: The Leysapper is
directly below us. There is noway we can depress the barrel
of the cannon low enough toget a shot. As for the larger
(03:33):
dirigible the pirates are mostlikely using, they will send
out a swarm of two man‘minnows’ to take control
and neutralize any defensesbefore they risk their main
ship. The only thing our canonis actually good for is scaring
away the occasional dragon.GARETH: What are minnows?
PILOT (03:46):
I have heard the engineer of the Glorious Dawn
describe a minnow as theresult of a drunken one-night
stand between a dirigible anda bicycle. The pirate steering
the craft is responsible forpedaling to turn their
propellers. The other piratewill either be stationed on a
platform, ready to jump ontothe enemy airship, or belted
into a seat so they can act assnipers to soften up the
resistance they see on deck.ELIZABETH: Since we know the
(04:07):
pirates are using camouflage,we have a better idea of what
to look for to find the restof their forces. There they are! I
count 12 minnows coming infast. They’ll be on us in less
than ten minutes. Mintel, gosee if you can help Izzy eke
out any more powerfrom the batteries.
GARETH (04:24):
You got it, Captain. ELIZABETH
we’ll need you on deckto help repel boarders.
TRALNIS (04:30):
Henry, you heard the captain,
go fetch myfighting gloves.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: At once, sir. (04:35):
undefined
[footsteps down stairs, shortpause, footsteps up the stairs]
ELIZABETH (04:43):
Doctor, just to make sure I’m not
hallucinating, is your butlerwearing a pot on his head
and holding a cast ironFrying pan. At least he
brought two pistolsand your fighting Gloves.
TRALNIS (04:54):
I wouldn’t disparage “Mr. Smashy” around Henry.
He’s rather fond of that fryingpan. What I want to know is
why he brought my boxinggloves when I specifically
asked for my fighting gloves.Never mind, I’ll find them
myself. Excuse me, Captain.[footsteps down stairs]
PILOT (05:13):
Captain, the minnows will be within firing range any
second now.[two gunshots]
Perhaps sooner. ELIZABETH
gods their snipers can’t shootstraight. They somehow managed
to miss a big assed targetlike the Glorious Dawn.
[two gunshots, glass breaking]PILOT: Or, the snipers could
have been zeroingin their sights.
ELIZABETH (05:33):
Thank you, Pilot. PILOT
Captain. By the way, theamazing chef is trying to get
our attention. It appears asthough he is pointing to the
pistols tucked into his kilt, andthen up towards the crow’s nest.
Do it, Henry! Give them a taste of their own medicine.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Time to show them what an ape (05:47):
undefined
with two boom sticks can do.[scampering up mast]
[cocking pistol, gunshot]NARRATOR: The sniper on the
closest minnow dropped hisrifle to clutch at his chest.
Blood welled from beneath the pirate’s fingers,and he soon
slumped over in his seat.[death rattle of pirate]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:09):
Huh, sights are a bit off. I was
aiming for the gas sack.[cock pistol, gunshot, explosion]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I love explosions. (06:17):
undefined
PIRATE 1 (06:20):
Leeroy Jenk… oof! PIRATE 2
too early. At least he managedto grab a handhold on the side
of that freighter. Okay boys,wait for it… now jump!
[pirates landing on the deck]ELIZABETH: Time for a lead
ball welcome, you assholes.[pistol cock, grunt]
[pistols sliding along deck]ELIZABETH: My gun!
(06:43):
You pirate prick!You shoved me from behind!
PIRATE 3 (06:46):
Gah! What happened to your face?!
[mechanical armwinding up, punching]
ELIZABETH (06:51):
That’s for my gun. [sword being drawn]
[pirate run through, grunt]ELIZABETH: That’s for
criticizing a woman’s looks.Pilot, behind you!
[quills rattle, blow gun noise]Pirate 4: [grunt of surprise]
[body hits deck]PILOT: Thank you for the
warning, Captain ofthe Glorious Dawn.
[steam piston hiss, smack,pirate scream, bones breaking]
TRALNIS (07:11):
Don’t worry, I’ll fix those ribs up later if you want.
[steam piston hiss, smack, pirate scream,bones breaking]
Don’t worry, I can fix those too!
PILOT (07:22):
Interesting. It isn’t everyday you see a Dwarf
in a steampowered exoskeleton.
ELIZABETH (07:27):
Doctor, why are you offering to help these scumbags?!
TRALNIS (07:30):
It’s the only way I can get around my oath as a
healer to do no harm. As longas I offer to fix what I broke,
it all equals out in the end.ELIZABETH: Whatever helps
you sleeps at night, Doctor.I just hope you can kill one
of these assholesif you need to.
Dammit Captain, I’m a doctor, not an executioner!
NARRATOR (07:49):
A pirate wearing a shirt made of flowing red silk
accidentally stepped inbetween Tralnis and
another pirate who hadManaged to pick up
Elizabeth’s lost revolver.[Pistol shot]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:59):
Tralnis! Here I come to save the day!
[rope swinging, land on deckslide, metal strike, squish]
PIRATE 2 (08:10):
[high pitched] Right in me pirate privates!
TRALNIS, PILOT, Pirates: Ooooh! (08:14):
undefined
TRALNIS (08:15):
Henry! The actions of one’s manservant reflect
directly upon the gentlemanwho employs him, and a
gentleman does NOT scramble scrotums with a skillet!
[scene change music]
[engine whine]GARETH: I wish there was
something more that I could doto help Izzy instead of just
(08:36):
standing here. Why am Italking out loud? Neither Izzy
or I can hear each other thanksto the earmuffs we’re wearing.
Izzy’s looking really hot,both figuratively and literally.
She’s pouring sweat. At leastI can help with that, I’ll pour
her a drink from the pitcheron the table.
[drink pouring]
GARETH (08:56):
(Yelling) Izzy, here, drink this.
IZZY (09:02):
What?! Something to drink. Thanks, Gareth.
[takes large gulp, spit take]IZZY: Oh gross, that must
have been the coffee I keepforgetting to toss out. It’s
been down here since beforewe left Pigshit!
GARETH (09:15):
I can’t tell what you’re saying, but by your
reaction, I’m guessing there is somethingwrong with this drink.
[sniff, retching]GARETH: If coffee could die,
and then somehow be resurrectedas a zombie, this is what its
(09:35):
ass would smell like. Need air![running footsteps]
[deep breath]GARETH: Now to dispose of that
cousin to what Henry foundin the icebox.
PIRATE 1 (09:45):
An open window! Thank the gods and their
wizards! Now I just need toclimb a few feet to get to it.
[grunts as he climbs]PIRATE !: Yes! I’m saved!
That’s right, missy. You haveevery reason to be afraid
once you’ve seen me.[splash]
(10:06):
What the hells did they just throw in my face?!
It smells like somethingsiphoned out of a demon's
latrine! I have to wipe itout of my eyes and off my face.
Ahh, there. Oh wait, oops.[wilhelm scream, large splash]
[large wood impacts]GARETH:mNow what ?! Izzy, I’m
(10:31):
going topside to seewhat is going on.
[running up stairs, end engine whine, opendoor, crunch of nose breaking]
PIRATE 2 (10:38):
My nose! Whoa! [spash]
GARETH (10:46):
Huh, what was that? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. What
does matter are those harpoons attached to ropes buried in the
deck. Pirates are queuing upto slide down the ropes from the
main pirate airship above us.If any more come down, we'll be
overwhelmed. Think, Gareth,think. I got it! The only thing
(11:09):
I recognized in Izzy’s engineroom was the Dwarvish rune for
power. I bet if I cut power fromthe batteries, we’ll drop and
yank out the harpoons.I’ll just need to be fast,
and turn it back onbefore we fall too far.
[running down stairs,engine whine]
IZZY (11:26):
Gareth? What are you doing? NO! Don’t flip that switch!
[switch flipped, Izzy and Gareth yell as they fall
GARETH (11:32):
That’s weird. Why did we stop falling so soon?
IZZY (11:36):
We must have landed on the Leysapper’s gas sack.
Quick, throw the switch againbefore their gas sack…
[pop, switch flipped, normalhum of engine room]
Gareth! I don’t know if I want to kill you, or kiss
you for pulling astunt like that.
GARETH (11:49):
I know which one I vote for.
IZZY (11:52):
What was that? GARETH
topside and see if we won.[footsteps up the stairs]
GARETH (12:01):
Huh, I thought that would’ve yanked the harpoons
out of our deck, not rip themfrom their moorings on the
pirate ship. Wow, that muchforce snapped all of the lines
connecting their hull to theirgas sack on one side. I guess
I guess they won't be aproblem now, since
since their whole airship ishanging sideways from one
set of cables. I’m surprisedthe ones on the other side
could take all that strain.[snap, splash]
(12:28):
Or maybe they couldn’t. I wonder if I can see the
pirate airships in the ocean.[footsteps]
Hey, Tralnis, come over here to the railing.
It looks like some of thepirates survived the fall and
are swimming towards thefloating pieces of the wreckage.
TRALNIS (12:44):
Fine, but I reserve the right to scream and run
away if I get too frightenedfrom seeing so much water.
They look like tinydolls floating around.
Um, what’s that?
GARETH (13:00):
What’s what?
TRALNIS (13:01):
That huge dark shape circling the wreckage. Oh,
never mind, it’s gone now.It looked like it was at least
four times as big as thatlarger airship down there.
[ships crunching, large splash as leviathanfalls back into the water]
GARETH (13:20):
That is one big fish. TRALNIS
I said I would make the divewith you when we reached
the dig site?I’ve changed my mind!
[scene change music]
PILOT (13:37):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, we are above the
coordinates ‘the passenger whoalmost got us killed in an
undergarment soilingfall’ gave us.
ELIZABETH (13:44):
Speak for yourself, I made the mistake of going
commando that day. Wonderful,now I’m oversharing like that
catastrophe masquerading asa human. I’ll go let the others
know that we’ve arrived andhelp Izzy into a dive suit.
Bring us down until we’rejust above the water.
I still can’t believe Izzyvolunteered to help that idiot.
PILOT (14:07):
Her reasons are truly a complete mystery.
ELIZABETH (14:10):
I know, right? [footsteps walking away]
PILOT (14:13):
And people say I have difficulty
interpreting social cues.[footsteps down stairs]
ELIZABETH (14:19):
We’re above the drop point. Sheldon, lower
the loading ramp.SHELDON LEFT EYE: Eye, eye,
Captain. Get it, ‘causewe’re eye stalks. Waiting
for laughter… stillnothing? Sheesh.
SHELDON RIGHT EYE (14:30):
Lowering ramp now, Captain, and for
the record, 2 of the 3 of usthink he’s an idiot too.
[winch lowering, splash]TRALNIS: Thanks again for
volunteering to take my place
on this dive, Izzy. I feellike I’m letting Gareth down,
(14:50):
but I freeze up every time Ieven think about surrounding
myself with that much wet death.IZZY: Don’t worry about it,
Tralnis. You would have barelybeen able to move anyway with
all of the modificationsneeded for the suit to fit you.
TRALNIS (15:03):
Yeah, we didn’t think of that we sto… borrowed
the suits. Not like we couldhave found one made to fit a
Dwarf in the first place. Mypeople have too much
common sense.IZZY: Don’t worry, Tralnis,
I’ll keep your boysafe down there.
Thank you, lass. IZZY
his helmet on. I better hurryso he can get into the water
(15:25):
to activate his breathing tubes.ELIZABETH: I’ll help you, Izzy.
[helmet closing, two splashes]
GARETH (15:34):
Can you hear me okay? IZZY
sound a little muffled.GARETH: They were still
working out the kinks in thesound cable when we grabbed
the suits. It works along thesame principle as running
a string between two tin cans.IZZY: How does that work?
(15:57):
When Elizabeth and I werelittle girls, we played that
game with the cans. I thoughtthe string, or cable in this
case, had to be strung tightbetween the two ends to
transmit sound. This cablehas lots of slack.
Let’s just say it’s a good thing the priest who
inspected our gear didn’tunscrew the housing to the
connector fittings. If theyhad, I would have had to
(16:19):
explain why there were smallenergy converting runes
engraved into the ends of the cable.IZZY: There are two cables
bundled together, aren’t there?You would need one in each
direction with reversed runesat the opposite ends for it to
work correctly.GARETH: Very good, Izzy. I’m
impressed. You’re right, weuse two cables.Before I left,
(16:39):
the Applied Magics gents andI were experimenting with
which runes worked the best.That’s why our voices sound
muffled. We haven’t quitefound the right combination
of…runes and cable material.IZZY:Gareth, if you keep
turning like that, you’regoing to wrap yourself
up in the cable.GARETH: Sorry. I keep seeing
(17:00):
something out of the corner ofmy eye. A large something with
far too many teeth for myliking. Whenever I turn to get
a better look at it, it dartsoff. It looks like the lights
are keeping it away, so Idon’t think we have to worry
too much about it.IZZY: After watching that
leviathan eat the Leysapper,I’m not as confident. Float
over here so we can touchsuits, back-to-back.
(17:22):
Good plan. Better safe than sorry.
IZZY (17:24):
Other than a city that was submerged in a terrible
earthquake, what exactlyare we looking for?
GARETH (17:31):
To be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure.
The first tablet was found ina ruined temple deep in the
plains of the SouthernContinent. I’m hoping we can
find a similar building, andstart our search from there.
IZZY (17:44):
You mean something like a stepped pyramid?
GARETH (17:46):
Yes, something like that.
IZZY (17:49):
Look over here, and down about 20 degrees.
GARETH (17:53):
Good eyes, Izzy. That’s exactly where we
should start looking.IZZY: Oh no, we’re facing
the same direction. Gareth,remember that thing you were
trying to see thatkept swimming away?
Yeah. Why? IZZY
time to speed up our descent.GARETH: Looking at an angry
(18:17):
eye bigger than my helmet andclose enough to touch, makes
part of my mind very proud ofyou, Izzy, for staying so calm.
Another small part of my mindis suggesting I scream, void
my bladder, and curl up intoa terrified ball. I am trying
to use what parts areLeftover to come up
(18:37):
with a way toget us out of this.
IZZY (18:39):
Thanks. Now work Quicker before we’re eaten,
because I’m out of ideas.GARETH: Okay, I think I’ve
got it. There is an emergencyvalve on the right side of your
belt. If we turn them all theway counterclockwise, it will
flood our ballast pouches andwe’ll sink like rocks. We just
need to make sure we turn thevalves at the same time so we
don’t get separated andsnap the communication cable
(19:00):
On the count of three? GARETH
THREE!! GARETH
that opening at the top of thetemple. It’s stone and looks
too small for our new friendto fit through.
Whew, we made it! GARETH
GARETH (19:24):
It looks like that thing left for now.
IZZY (19:28):
I’ve got to hand it to you, Professor, this is
definitely the least boringfirst date I’ve been on.
GARETH (19:34):
Sorry, I think my helmet got hit by a rock.
I’m getting some feedbackon my end of the cable.
What did you say?IZZY: Uh... Nothing, you must
be hearing things. Come on,
let’s explore this temple andgive our fishy friend time to
lose interest in us.[swimming]
Izzy, hold up for a minute. My light just reflected
(19:59):
off something in thisroom off to our left.
IZZY (20:01):
What did you find? Oh wow! There have to be hundreds
of these tiny metal statues.GARETH: This one even has a
tiny removable sword in itshand. Open your sack, and we’ll
put as many of thesestatues into it as we can.
After that should we head back up?
GARETH (20:18):
Not quite yet. I want to see what’s at the heart
of this pyramid.IZZY: Lead on.
[swimming]IZZY: Huh, I don’t know what
I was expecting to find at theheart of this pyramid, but a
room ringed with statues anda black stone altar in the
center sure wasn’t it. Theskeletons scattered around
the floor add a nice, creepyfeel. Maybe I should decorate
(20:40):
my cabin this way? Gareth,Are you listening to me? Why
are you staring at that statuewith the strange armor and
black rod in its hand. Weird,they look human, but have ears
that point up insteadback like an elf’s.
Gareth! Snap out of it.GARETH: What? Oh, sorry.
IZZY (21:00):
Here, [stone sliding]
you can keep the rod as a remembrance of
your time together.GARETH: Yeah, sure. Thanks.
Come on, let’s go Check out that altar.
[swimming]IZZY: Well, that’s underwhelming.
Nothing here but astupid clay tablet.
GARETH (21:19):
I don’t think so, Izzy. First off, that clay
tablet is just like the onethat housed the metal tablet
that I showed you. Secondly,why would someone go to such
great lengths to set up atrap over something worthless.
IZZY:Trap?! What trap?!GARETH: The one we set off by
(21:42):
coming in here. Let me put thetablet into my sack, and then
let’s turn around slowly.IZZY: Okay, everything looks
the same to me – lots of water,stone statues, and skeletons
on the floor.GARETH: How many skeletons
do you count?IZZY: One, two, three,
four, Five.GARETH: Damn. I was hoping I
(22:04):
had miscounted. There wereonly three when we entered
the room. And now theskeletons are standing up
and they have swords in theirhands. Sometimes I hate
it when I’m right.IZZY:If you skinny bitches
think we’re going downwithout a fight, your skulls
are emptier than they look.[slow swish through water]
IZZY (22:23):
Well, punching them did absolutely nothing. Did I say
skinny bitches? I meant thatthose bleached bones are
really thinning. It’s a goodlook for you. Oh crap.
[sword clang]GARETH: No one hurts Izzy
when I’m around.IZZY: Well, now we know that
whatever that rod ismade from is as at
least as strong as steel.[crack, magic noise]
And it works on skeletons. It knocked the hand holding the
(22:47):
sword clean off.[crack]
GARETH (22:50):
Separated its head from the rest of the body just
as easily. Take its sword whileI put the skull in my sack.
Tralnis will want to study itlater. I just have to be
careful since its jaws arestill clacking like mad.
IZZY (23:01):
Will do, and I’m taking its femur as an off hand weapon
just because I know it will pissit off. Okay, now that I’m armed
as well, we’re back to y’allbeing skinny bitches. Hee-yah!
That is totally not fair! Your bones just reconnected
instead of floating away likethe ones that Gareth hits. Why
(23:21):
are you rubbing your handsunder your eye sockets like
you’re crying? Are you mockingme? You are, aren’t you? Here,
have an extra bone in yourextremely underweight face.
[crunch][xylophone sound]
Yeah, somehow I don’t think taking off your own skull
to stand on won’t reallywork out for you.
GARETH (23:41):
This is pretty interesting. Whichever bone I
touch with this rod immediatelyseparates from the others, even
if I strike several in a row.[startled yelp]
IZZY (23:52):
Gareth! You’ve been stabbed through the leg!
GARETH (23:54):
I’m okay. It tried to go for my femoral artery. The
bulkiness of the suit must havethrown off its aim. That doesn’t
mean I’m not pissed off though.How about an equally low blow?
[crack, magic sound,bowling pins going down]
Note to self, using the rod tostrike to the groin of a skeleton
will disconnect all 206 bonesin its body at the same time.
(24:15):
[pained yelp]IZZY: I thought you said
it didn’t hurt you?GARETH: Sorry, that sound was
the noise every guy will make
when ice water comes intocontact with a certain part of
their anatomy. DesiccatedDwarf Danglies, that water’s
cold! Wait! Where is the lastskeleton? We only took down four.
IZZY (24:33):
I think after seeing us take apart its compatriots,
it’s pretending to be deaderthan it already is. I saw it
doing a dead man float throughthe door at the end of the room.
GARETH (24:45):
That’s good, because I’m starting to lose feeling in
my legs. In fact, I don’t thinkI can move them at all.
IZZY (24:54):
Don’t worry, I’ll wrap my arms around you and kick for
both of us. We’ll be at thesurface before you know it.
[scene change music]
ELIZABETH (25:06):
You were nearly killed a couple of times for this
stupid clay tablet?!IZZY: Well, yes, but
we also got these.[dumps figurines on table]
At least we should be able to get a decent price
for those tiny statues. Theonly people interested in a
clay tablet would be scholars,and no offense Professor, but
(25:27):
your kind aren’t knownfor their large fortunes.
GARETH (25:29):
None taken. TRALNIS
does this tablet say thesame thing as the last one?
Yep, ‘break to open’. [tablet smashing]
ELIZABETH (25:39):
What in the hells is that?
TRALNIS (25:41):
Directions to the next dig site. Where are we
going next, Gareth?GARETH: Let me check my
notes and the map we brought.[scroll unrolls]
GARETH (25:52):
Looks like we’ll be headed to Chimia.
TRALNIS (25:55):
We’ll need to pick up some supplies first so I can
whip up some bug repellent.From what I’ve read, the
jungles of Chimia are home tomore species of the little
blighters than anywhereelse on the planet.
ELIZABETH (26:07):
Wait just one blasted minute! Who said
anything about taking youlot anywhere?! You paid us
to take you to the archaeologysite and stand by while you did
whatever you scholars do. Wenever agreed to join you on some
bloody scavenger hunt acrossHadronus. Especially one that
puts my crew in danger!IZZY: Elizabeth…
(26:29):
No, Izzy! You almost got eaten by a giant
fish, crushed by falling debris,and skewered by a group of
skeletons! After that, you hadto risk your own safety to
literally drag the Professor,someone who supposedly
knew what he wasdoing, to safety.
IZZY (26:45):
Gareth saved my life down there as well. I’m an
adult now. You had betterstart treating me like one!
ELIZABETH (26:51):
You might be an adult, but I’m captain of this
airship and your older sister.I would be failing in both
duties if I let you get killed!TRALNIS: Gareth lad, why don’t
you take the young missy hereout onto deck for some fresh
air? As the financial officerof this expedition, I’ll negotiate
new terms with the captain.IZZY: That sounds like a very
(27:13):
good idea. As part owner ofThe Glorious Dawn, I’ll back
whatever you offer, Tralnis.If Elizabeth disagrees, we’ll
put it to a vote amongst theother crew members. If you
need me, Lizard Breath,I’ll be up on deck.
GARETH (27:28):
You know, Izzy I think seeing you stand up to
Elizabeth is even moreimpressive than what you
did on our dive. I don’t mindtelling you that she scares me.
IZZY (27:39):
It’s the arm. It scares most people.
GARETH (27:42):
That’s not it, at least not all of it. What’s scary is
how she’s always glaring at me,and I get the distinct impression
she wants to ram thatmechanical arm somewhere
I would rather it not go.IZZY:[chuckle]
What was that you called Elizabeth before we left?
IZZY (28:02):
I called her Lizard Breath. When I was very young, my
parents always referred tomy sister as Liz. One day,
I heard them use her full namewhen she had gotten in some
really serious trouble. Youknow, the type of trouble when
your parents use your first,middle, and last name.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…GARETH: It’s okay.
(28:25):
Go on with your story.IZZY: The point of the story
is that I misheard what mymother said. I thought she
had said ‘Lizard Breath’instead of Elizabeth. In my
defense, Liz could just aseasily be a shortened version
of Lizard as Elizabeth. Thenext time I got mad at Liz, I
(28:45):
used the same tone as mymother, and called her Lizard
Breath. Both Mum and Dadthought it was the funniest
thing they had ever heard.They used the new name
whenever they wanted to teaseher. I only use it now when I
want Elizabeth to know I’mreally angry with her.
GARETH (29:00):
Your parents sound like people I would really
like to get to know.IZZY:I think they would have
liked you too. My parents rana shipping business that they
had grown from a single shipinto a small fleet. They met
when my father was the pilotand my mother the engineer of
the same airship. They diedwhen I was 12. A group of
merchants who operated on thewrong side of the law took
(29:22):
offense at how my parentsrefused to either do business
with them, or pay protectionmoney. In one night, they set
fire to every ship on our businessdock, as well as our home.
What happened after that?
IZZY (29:34):
The fire spread so fast; we never had a chance to get
out of our rooms. Smoke wascoming from under my door,
so I opened the secret passageFather had installed between my
room and Elizabeth’s to seeif she was alright. Her room
was already on fire. I foundElizabeth trapped under a
burning piece of wall that hadfallen on her. Her spare
(29:56):
blanket was on the floor, soI used it to smother the flames
on her body. After wrappingElizabeth up in the blanket,
I somehow managed to pull herinto my room and shut the
secret door behind us. When Iopened my bedroom window, I
saw the grounds had been putto the torch as well. I went
back to where I had leftElizabeth, and held her burned
(30:19):
face in my hand while I triedto prepare myself to die.
GARETH (30:23):
Dear Gods… IZZY
suddenly I saw the most
beautiful thing ever. The beatup bow of an airship freighter
was smashing through my wall.It was a freighter my parents
had been consideringdecommissioning. The airship
reversed its course, andlowered its cargo ramp.
(30:44):
The captain of the ship andhis cargo master ran in,
scooped up me and Elizabeth,and then got us to safety.
How did that ship avoid being torched with the others?
IZZY (30:54):
The captain of the Glorious Dawn had run
into bad weather and wasseveral hours past due. While
they were still off of the coast,Captain Dunning could see the
docks ablaze. He had beenfriends with both my parents
for many years, so he burnedall of their available Aetherium
ore to get to our home. OnceDunning got there, he found
the whole house on fire. He hadgiven up hope when he suddenly
(31:16):
saw me open my window. Dunninghad always been a man of action,
and decided that ramming thehouse would be the quickest way
to get me out of that inferno.He and I used all of my parents’
money to pay for the bestmedical attention we could
get for Elizabeth.GARETH: (thinking) Now I feel
guilty for every negative
thought I’ve hadabout this old airship.
(31:38):
(outloud) What happened toCaptain Dunning?
Dunning retired about four years ago and made
Elizabeth captain. He’s livingon a tropical island with a
native girl he married. We stopby every now and then to check
on him. Of course, after ourlast visit, we’ll give him
warning that we're coming.It will give them a chance to
put some clothes on. OkayProfessor, enough about my
(32:01):
past. I would like to hearabout what we are actually
doing on this voyage. It’sobviously more than just
some simplearchaeology expedition.
GARETH (32:09):
This all started when there was a disagreement over
me getting my tenure at theUniversity Arcanum. To settle
the matter, the powers that begave me what they thought was
an impossible quest - find theLost Island of Mascal. We were
given a clay tablet thatsupposedly had something
(32:31):
to do with Mascal. I’m surethe Dean just assumed it was
more delusional rantings fromProfessor Dunst, or else the
Dean would have never givenit to us in the first place. We
also thought the tablet wasuseless until Henry noticed
something. The tablet hadhidden markings on it in a
language that, as far as I know,I’m the only one who can read.
(32:54):
A language I don’tremember learning.
IZZY (32:57):
Huh? GARETH
found me in my lifeboat, Iknew my name and how old
I was, but nothing else.My memory was a complete
blank. To make matters evenworse, I spoke in a language
that no one had ever heardbefore. Luckily, I picked up
the Trade language incrediblyfast, and I was able to tell the
(33:20):
orphanage workers my nameafter only a week. A small part
of me wants to complete thisquest just so I can rub the
University Arcanum’s noses init before I tell them I would
rather kiss a rabid badger thanever teach for them again. The
rest of me is hoping I can findout more about where I came
from… and what I am.IZZY: What do you mean
(33:45):
what you are?GARETH: I always thought I was
some sort of mutant, a personwith a genetic abnormality.
But now I’m not so sure.IZZY: Alright, out with it.
Were you born with a centermouth like an Ur, or seven
toes on each foot? What I cansee looks like grade ‘A’ human
(34:06):
stock to me.GARETH: Do you remember the
statues in the altar room?IZZY: Hard to forget when you
were so mesmerized by them.GARETH: It’s more than just a
mysterious language that tiesme to this puzzle now. Look, if I
brush my hair backlike this, you can see
what I’m talking about.IZZY: Your ears, they’re pointed
like the ones on those statues.Other than the ears, anything
(34:30):
else different from usrun of the mill humans?
GARETH (34:34):
Not that Tralnis and I could find. My insides might
be different, but withoutcutting me open, we’ll never
know. And I’m not too keenon being cut open.
IZZY (34:46):
Can I touch them? Your ears I mean.
GARETH (34:50):
[chuckle] Sure. IZZY:They’re soft
just like a human’s. I wonderif your lips are just as soft.
I can think of a few ways you can find out.
TRALNIS (35:01):
[clears throat /record stop]
Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might want
to know that the Captain andI have come to an agreement.
I had to turn over half of ourshare of the figurines to get
her to see thingsour way though.
IZZY (35:15):
That doesn’t sound like Lizard Breath. She would
normally have fought youwell into the morning.
TRALNIS (35:20):
There’s the distinct possibility that I might have
played dirty. I reminded herthat if Gareth and I go, Henry
leaves with us. I don’t thinkshe was willing to give up his
cooking quite yet.IZZY: That is playing dirty.
If we lost Henry and had tohire Egite back, I would
probably jump ship, no matterhow high up we were flying.
(35:42):
We’ll be stopping at St. Mareen to sell the loot
and pick up supplies. Or atleast you lot will. I plan on
kissing the ground as soonwe land, and then getting piss
drunk after spending somuch time over the water.
[outro music]
(36:04):
This has been Gareth andthe Lost Island. Episode 5
Starring:
Peter McGiffen as theNarrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
(36:25):
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk
Kayce Swan as Pilot
Featuring:
Alex Vancil, Peter McGiffen,Patrick Mallard, Derek Fein,
(36:51):
and O J V A as the Pirates
Venomous Duck Media wishesto apologize to skeletons for
calling them skinny bitches.That said, as skeletons you
still have teeth, would itkill you to eat a biscuit?
Gareth and the Lost Islandwas written
and directed byPatrick Mallard
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