May 28, 2023 • 33 mins
Elizabeth joins Gareth, Tralnis, and Henry on their trek through the jungles of Chimia. Not only does the away team face the threat of lawyers… er, we mean bloody thirsty parasites, but also the lurking dangers in an underground temple.
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(00:00):
[VDM Logo Music]Quack-Quack Hiss
NARRATOR (00:08):
Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 7 -The Jungles of Chimia - Part I
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-3 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter.
(00:45):
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.If laughter persists for more 14 00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:01,473 than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. 15 00:01:01,473 --> 00:01:26,265 [Theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Good morning, Tralnis, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Morning. (01:29):
undefined
TRALNIS (01:34):
Good morning to you too.
I’m glad you decided to forgothe teaching jacket like I did.
It’s damn hot here in Chimea.GARETH: Yeah. As Henry says,
‘It’s as humid as aChim’s crotch in trousers.’
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I keep telling you, kilts are (01:47):
undefined
the proper bottoms for men.TRALNIS: What did he say?
GARETH (01:53):
He was just extolling the virtues of kilts again.
TRALNIS (01:57):
Personally, I won’t be switching any time soon.
The boys are drooping so muchin this heat, my trousers
are the only thing keepingme from stepping on them.
ELIZABETH (02:07):
That’s an image I could have gone without.
IZZY (02:10):
Although, that would explain those weird tracks
we saw in the dunesof the Feckin Hoot
desert last year. Oh,I’m sorry, Tralnis.
I hope I didn’t offend youby talking about that desert.
TRALNIS (02:22):
No, I’m not offended. Why would I be?
GARETH (02:26):
(snorts with laughter)
TRALNIS (02:28):
Something you want to share, Gareth?
GARETH (02:31):
Sorry, in the School of Languages, the naming of
that desert is used as anexample of why you should
always double check yoursources, and that most
humans are too lazy todo so. Izzy, tell Tralnis
why you thoughthe would be offended.
IZZY (02:46):
The guide on our trip said the desert was taboo
to the Dwarves, so theynamed it after the Dwarvish
phrase for taboo,Feckin Hoot.
TRALNIS (02:54):
What? That’s not the word at all. Come to
think of it, I’m not reallysure we have one.
GARETH (03:01):
When the Human settlers got to that area,
they found the Dwarvesalready living under the
mountains. The humansasked the Dwarves if they
could tell them about thelarge desert to the West
of them. The Dwarves toldthem they couldn’t really
say since they never venturedmore than a short way into it.
When asked why they didn’t,the Dwarf they were speaking
with, who had a rather thickDwarvish brogue, replied,
(03:25):
‘Because it’s feckinhoot, that’s why!’
That misunderstandingled directly to another one.
The early human languagescholars thought that Dwarves
would avoid talking about‘taboo’ subjects by saying,
‘Each to theirown, I suppose.’
ELIZABETH (03:41):
I know I’ll regret asking this, but
why did they think that?GARETH: The early scholars
replaced ‘taboo’ with‘feckin hoot’ when
talking with Dwarves.An example being,
‘buggering sheep is feckinhoot in our culture.’ To which
the Dwarves always replied,‘Each to their own, I suppose.’
I was right. I regret asking.
TRALNIS (04:04):
(chuckles) I thought Izzy was coming
with us. Captain, sinceyou’re wearing cotton
trousers and a linen shirtinstead of your usual leathers,
I’m guessing you’re switchingplaces with Izzy on this foray.
GARETH (04:18):
What happened, Izzy, big sister ground you?
IZZY (04:22):
Actually, yes, that’s exactly what happened.
ELIZABETH (04:26):
We may be part owners in the Glorious Dawn,
but I am still her captain.I reserve the right to select
which of my crew participatesin away teams. Now step back
so I can open the railing andtoss the rope ladder over.
[hinge creak,rope unrolling]
GARETH (04:46):
So, who wants to go first?
Tralnis, Captain, I wouldn’tlook at Henry the way you are.
He considers thewhole Chims love
to climb thing as aracist stereotype.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Damn right. (04:57):
undefined
GARETH (04:59):
To keep the peace, I’ll go first. When I get
to the bottom, I’ll tie offthe ladder to make it
easier for the rest of you.[climbing]
Okay, you can come down now.
[climbing]
[insect buzzing]GARETH: T’shalk!
TRALNIS (05:14):
What was that, Gareth?
GARETH (05:21):
It’s a Roehus word that translates into
‘atheist word to replacetaking religious messiah’s
name in vain’. Consideringthe size of that monster,
I thought it was appropriate.
TRALNIS (05:32):
(chuckles) If you think that wee bug
was big, wait until you seea monguito. Think mosquito,
but ramped up to the size ofa robin. A swarm of those
bastards can drain everydrop of blood in a person
in less than a minute.ELIZABETH: What were you
saying earlier about mixingup a bug repellent?
(05:54):
Henry, turn around so I can get into the backpack.
[rummaging in backpack]TRALNIS: Here they are,
one for each of us. All youneed to do is rub a liberal
amount of the elixironto any exposed skin.
[bottle pops]ELIZABETH: Eewww!
I know it smells a little off, but
(06:17):
to a bug, this stuffreeks like pure poison.
GARETH (06:21):
Tralnis, do all of your potions come in nauseating colors?
TRALNIS (06:26):
Yes, now quit whining and put it on.
I don’t want to haveto treat any of you
for blood loss, now,or any time in the future.
[scene change music]
GARETH (06:41):
We’re finally at the coordinates from the second tablet.
While it's not a pyramid,I’m guessing that stone
arch with the rampleading underground
is what we’relooking for.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Hey, I know, let’s have the (06:53):
undefined
Dwarf go first into the mine.GARETH: (snorts with laughter)
TRALNIS (07:01):
Don’t bother to translate that. I’m pretty
sure it was just as racist assaying a Chim likes to climb.
GARETH (07:08):
I’ll go first again. It’s my quest that has led us
here after all. Just give mea moment to align the light
runes on this tube.[twist and click]
Here we go. [walking]
TRALNIS (07:27):
Odd, some of this stonework looks
Dwarvish. Be carefuleveryone, my ancestors
were a paranoid lot. There’slikely to be all sorts 127 00:07:38,156 --> 00:07:40,073 of traps down here.
GARETH (07:40):
Hey look! An Issian 50 gelt piece.
[step, swish ofrotating blades]
[Tralnis, Henry, andElizabeth gasp]
What? Do I have something on my clothes?
ELIZABETH (07:51):
(quietly) Did… did he just avoid being cut in
half by bending overto pick up a coin?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: (quietly) Uh-huh. (07:57):
undefined
ELIZABETH (07:59):
(quietly) Should we tell him how
close to deathhe just came?
TRALNIS (08:02):
(quietly) No, he would never believe
us anyway. (normally)Gareth lad, how about I take
over going first, and look forthose traps I mentioned?
[walking]
… and that’s another trap. What was that - 25 or 30
that we’ve found? I’ve lost count,but I’m willing to bet we only
(08:25):
have one more togo in this tunnel.
ELIZABETH (08:27):
What makes you think there’s only one trap left?
TRALNIS (08:30):
The tunnel ends just ahead of us, and the
floor is solid stone betweenus and the doors blocking
the way. I’m confident thelast trap is set into the
doors themselves. WeDwarves have always
enjoyed seeing how thetraps built into doors
dispatch intruders toomuch to spoil things by
setting any trapsright in front of them.
ELIZABETH (08:51):
Okay then, no touching the doors.
That goes doublefor you, Professor.
GARETH (08:56):
Can I at least get closer so I can see if there
is some kind of cluewritten on them?
ELIZABETH (09:00):
Fine, but look with your eyes, not your hands.
GARETH (09:04):
Fine. ELIZABETH
I heard you the first time.
ELIZABETH (09:11):
No touchy-touchy!
GARETH (09:14):
I get it! Okay, I don’t get it.
TRALNIS (09:19):
What don’t you get?
GARETH (09:22):
Each door has 9 panels on them, with each
panel depicting a persondoing some everyday task.
The only writing is in thatancient language. It reads,
‘The key to open this door liesin the center of cooperation.’
TRALNIS (09:38):
Well, this sucks sweaty Centaur balls. I hate
riddles! From your confusedexpression, I’ll assume you
haven’t had that particularexperience. Trust me, they
smell and tasteawful when sweaty.
ELIZABETH (09:55):
Professor, please say anything to
get that imageout of my head.
GARETH (10:00):
The pictures on the panels must have
something to do with theriddle. Let’s see if there is
anything the two centerpanels have in common,
or maybe there issomething in the
center of each panelthat opens the doors.
TRALNIS (10:13):
While you do that, I’ll check the tunnel walls.
Sometimes my people set upsecret entrances, and leave
a door that goes nowherejust to screw with people.
GARETH (10:24):
Good idea, Tralnis, thanks. Captain,
Henry, help me lookover the doors again.
TRALNIS (10:30):
Gareth, I think I may have
found something, but whatit means, or if it has
anything to do with thepanels, I’m not sure.
ELIZABETH (10:40):
What did you find?
TRALNIS (10:41):
I’ve found three identical stones.
Not similar, but identical.The first one is here on the
wall close to the ground. Thesecond one is on the opposite
wall about shoulder heightfor a human. The third one
is in the ceiling just infront of that air shaft.
GARETH (11:00):
Maybe the placement of the stones
means something in relationto the center panels. The one
on the right shows a youngwoman picking fruit in an
orchard. The other oneshows a chef in a kitchen.
Ohhh, I get it now!The answer is food.
TRALNIS (11:19):
Okay, you’ve gone and lost me.
GARETH (11:23):
Both center panels each deal with food. The rune
for ‘food’ looks like a personstanding up straight next to a
person on their hands and knees with a third person 200 00:11:33,683 --> 00:11:35,798 standing on the second persons back.
If I get down on allfours, I can press the
lower stone. Elizabeth canstand on my back, and press
the stone in the ceiling.If Henry stretches
(11:44):
he can reach up andpress the last stone.
ELIZABETH (11:46):
Henry, has Gareth always been
strangers withcommon sense?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Meh (11:51):
undefined
ELIZABETH (11:52):
Doctor, you get the bottom one, I’ll get the
shoulder height one, andHenry, grab a hold of the
ledge on their shaft andget the last stone. That
way no one has tostand on anybody's back.
[stone moving, chainsfalling, doors opening
GARETH (12:12):
That works too, I suppose.
[walking]
There’s another altar just like the one in the
underwater temple and itlooks like there’s a clay
tablet on top of it. At leastit doesn’t look like there
are any skeletonsthat we have to fight.
[doors slam shut]ELIZABETH: Now what?!
TRALNIS (12:33):
Gareth, what have I told you about tempting fate?
GARETH (12:38):
Don’t do it.
TRALNIS (12:40):
Exactly! Henry, hand me my family’s war hammer. You
might want to get your fryingpan, “Mr. Smashy”, ready.
[ape noises] RANSLATOR: Yes, sir! Mr. Smashy and the (12:48):
undefined
Nutcracker, coming right up.[metal sound, stone sliding]
GARETH (13:01):
Oh, there they are. The skeletons were
just each hiding behind oneof the six hidden doors
sliding into the ground. Thatlast ones a bit weird though.
I always thoughtskeletons were people
but that one’ssome kind of huge cat.
TRALNIS (13:16):
Amazing, that’s the skeleton of a Northern Sabercat.
They’ve been extinct since theSecond Great Apocalypse.
No one has ever found acomplete skeleton of one
of them before. What? I’man amateur paleontologist.
ELIZABETH (13:34):
I’m very happy for you. Any suggestions on how to
handle a cat that’s onlyslightly smaller than a pony?
TRALNIS (13:43):
Depends, anyone happen to have
a bloody huge ballof yarn with them?
ELIZABETH:Wonderful… I’mgoing to be killed next to a
comedian. Hopefully theProfessor's little black stick
will be as effective on theseskeletons as the last ones.
That’s the cue for youto pull that toy of yours
(14:03):
out of the holsteryou made for it.
GARETH (14:05):
I’m trying to! But it’s stuck!
ELIZABETH (14:09):
Idiot! [skeletons running]
TRALNIS (14:13):
Bad kitty! [Henry snarls]
GARETH (14:18):
It’s moving, almost… got… it. There! Whoa!
[swish, metal clang,body falling]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Whoops! (14:25):
undefined
TRALNIS (14:26):
Gareth! Which of you bastards did that to
my son?! Why are you skeletonspointing at Henry? I see, you’re
saying he’s next. Notbloody likely! I’m going to…
[yelp, tackle;sliding across floor]
Damn it cat! Leave me be!
ELIZABETH (14:46):
(thinking) Okay, Liz, remember all of those
old timers you hung aroundwith as a kid a said
the best way to deal with theundead is to stop the brain
from communicating with therest of the body. I know these
skeletons technically don’thave brains, but it should
work the same,shouldn’t it?
[gun cocking,gun shot]
(15:07):
Oh, come on, that’sdragonshit! I shot you,
you should be dead.Well, er, even more dead
than you already are,I guess. Is there even
a word to describe that state?Since you’re shrugging your
moldy shoulders, I’m guessingyou don’t know either. Wait,
what are you doing? Are youpicking your nose? You are,
(15:32):
aren’t you. Don’t you knowit’s impolite to pick your
nose in public, besides, youdon’t even have one anymore.
[scrape, bulletdrop on floor]
Never mind, if I had a bullet lodged in my
sinuses, I would pick my nosetoo. Here, let me holster my
pistol, and we can shake toshow there’s no hard feelings.
[step, clock winding noise,bone breaking]
(15:55):
For the record, I never said anything about
not punching while we shookhands. Just like I never said I
wouldn’t stomp on your soonto be deader than already
dead skull rollingaround the floor.
[stomp, bones falling apart]
Still got it. Okay, let’s try this again.
That skeleton fightingwith Henry isn’t paying
attention. This time I’llaim for that weird, purple
(16:19):
rune on theback of its skull.
[cocking, gunshot,crack, bones fall apart]
Oh yeah, who’s your mommy? Who’s your mommy?!
[cricket]
Why is everyone staring at me?
Can we just all pretend Inever said that? Anyway,
Henry, Doctor, break thepurple rune on their
(16:41):
skulls, it must be whatkeeps them together!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure, why not? (16:44):
undefined
[metal smash,bone crack, bones falling]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:48):
Who’s your monkey? Who’s your monkey?!
TRALNIS (16:51):
(grunt)
[smack magic sound,bones falling apart]
Knocking them into the altar works too!
[gunshot, crack,bones falling apart]
Henry! One of them snuck past you,
and is headedtowards Gareth!
HENRY (17:07):
(howl of rage)
[bones rattling,magic noisebones falling apart]
ELIZABETH (17:12):
Is that all of them? TRALNIS
GARETH (17:15):
Oh, my head. What’d I miss?
[scene change music]
Thanks for the headache potion, Tralnis.
TRALNIS (17:29):
Think nothing of it, lad. I’m just glad you
weren’t hurt worse.Let me know if you
get dizzy again, or havesudden loss of vision.
GARETH (17:38):
Well… I’m not having any problems with
my eyes, but there’s a weirdbuzzing in my ears that
keeps getting louder.
TRALNIS (17:44):
Buzzing? Oh, shite! Monguitos! Run!
[running]
GARETH (17:50):
I thought you said they were the size
of Robins? These thingsare the size of pigeons!
TRALNIS (17:56):
We seem to have discovered a new species.
If we live through this, I’ll seeabout naming them after you.
HENRY (18:04):
(snarl) [swish, metal strike, squish]
GARETH (18:08):
… Carry the 4 and divide by the sine of…
ELIZABETH (18:14):
What are you babbling about?
GARETH (18:16):
I’m trying to do complex magical calculations
in my head while running.
You three keep going.I'll buy us some time.
TRALNIS (18:26):
Don’t stop running, Gareth! The lawyers… I mean
blood sucking bastardsare almost on top of you!
GARETH (18:34):
Unholy Winds!
TRALNIS (18:36):
Oh… yeah, not going to finish that phrase. Run faster
you two! Trust me when I tellyou that you don’t want to be
caught up in the magic blastGareth is going to unleash!
[buzzing]GARETH: Ta’shennish!
(18:57):
[high pitched farts]
GARETH (19:03):
Oh no! That cute little green tailed lemur is
about to be pouncedon by that tree cat.
[wet fart, angryhiss, fall into bush]
Oops. I forgot to factor in all the
(19:30):
animals surrounding meagain, and there’s a lot of
animals in a rainforest.[more farts]
I’ve got to get out of here!
I think we can slow down now.
ELIZABETH (19:52):
That cloud… those noises… no man
should have thatpower. Why are
you stopping, Henry?We have to get back to
the ship, and get out ofthis accursed jungle!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: It should be right here. (20:08):
undefined
I remember that tree.GARETH: He said he
swears this is where wecame to ground. He
remembers us climbingdown by that tree over there.
ELIZABETH (20:20):
Obviously you got turned around
somewhere,and managedto get us lost, Henry!
TRALNIS (20:25):
I don’t think so.
ELIZABETH (20:27):
And why do you say that, Doctor?
TRALNIS (20:30):
This rope ladder hasn’t been
here long enough for thejungle to start affecting it.
(sneezes)Blast it all! I was hoping
the elixir I took to controlmy allergies would
have lasted longer.
[loud sneeze twice][snot splat]
ELIZABETH (20:45):
Let me see that. Eeew… I don’t want to touch
it; I just want to look at it.That’s our ladder alright.
Son of a sheep buggeringbastard! Where’s my airship?!
TRALNIS (20:59):
Henry, take this spyglass,
and climb up to the treecanopy. See if you can
find any trace of theGlorious Dawn. I’d do
it myself, but weDwarves are lousy climbers.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, you’d look like the (21:14):
undefined
weirdest squirrel ever.GARETH: He said that’s
probably true, but itwould be funny as
hells to watch you try.TRALNIS: Hah… hah.
Don’t quit your day job,which might I remind you
happens to be working for me.(sneeze) Up!
(21:35):
[Henry climbs tree]
GARETH (21:40):
We might as well have a seat
against this treewhile we wait.
TRALNIS (21:43):
Sounds wonderful. This heat and humidity is
making me sleepy.(sneeze) Sorry.
[happy sigh]GARETH: Hey Sneezy,
why so happy? You have adopey smile on your face.
Sometimes, when I get sleepy, right
before I drift off toslumberland, my memories
drift back to the timeright after I graduated
(22:04):
from medical school. (sneezeSix other Dwarves from my
village and I got together toform a communal septet. We
were young, and full ofthe experimenting spirit.
(sneeze)GARETH: You never told me
about that. What happened?Why did you leave?
Did they kick you outafter you tried to
cook for them?TRALNIS: No. One of
(22:26):
the other lads broughthome a human female
who had gotten into aspot of trouble. Turned
out, she ended up beinga wonderful cook, and a
great housekeeper. Shewas kind, had a great voice,
and did this really neat trickwith her tongue. (sneeze) We
all grew quite fond of her, andwere more than happy to
(22:47):
change our septet to an octet.ELIZABETH: Tongue
trick, huh? What exactlyare we talking about here?
A trick is all, forget I mentioned it.
(sneeze)ELIZABETH: Hey Doc,
don’t get grumpy on us.I was just asking.
Never thought youwould be the bashful type.
(sneeze) I’m sorry, Captain. Even though most
(23:13):
of my memories of her aregood, what happened at the
end still brings me down. Inthe beginning, we took her in
to get her away from a badsituation. After we managed
to get it all straightened out,she ended up dumping us for
some rich ponce whotook credit for everything.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I saw the Glorious Dawn tied (23:30):
undefined
up next to a mountain ahalf day’s hike from here.
GARETH (23:36):
He says he saw what he thinks is the Glorious Dawn
anchored nextto a mountain.
It’s about a half day’swalk from here.
ELIZABETH (23:43):
What the hells are they doing over there?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Probably has something to do (23:45):
undefined
with the other shipmoored next to it.
GARETH (23:49):
Henry says the answer probably has something to do
with the other airshipat the mountain
next to the Glorious Dawn.[gun cocked]
ELIZABETH (23:58):
Don’t move, Professor!
GARETH (23:59):
Look,Captain, I know we’ve had our
differences, but I thinkwe can talk things through.
TRALNIS (24:05):
Don’t miss, lass. GARETH
[gunshot, birds flying away]GARETH: I’m still alive?
Good shot, Captain. ELIZABETH
GARETH (24:20):
What the hells is going on?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Look behind you. (24:22):
undefined
GARETH (24:24):
Behind me? [shrieks in terror]
I’ve seen dogs smaller than that spider!
TRALNIS (24:29):
Sorry we didn’t say anything before, Gareth,
but Henry and I know howyou feel about spiders. I’m
certain that if I told you thatyou had a giant, extremely
poisonous spider on yourshoulder, you would have
screamed and runaround in circles
doing your version ofthe icky spider dance.
GARETH (24:46):
I get why you and Henry didn’t say anything,
but why didn’tElizabeth? I’ve never
told anyone on the shipI’m terrified of spiders.
ELIZABETH (24:56):
I just wanted to see your expression as
I pointed a gun at you.It’s good to know you
have a healthy fear of me.Let’s keep it that way.
[scene change music]
GARETH (25:10):
Looks like this ledge will put us
about 10 feet from theside of the Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (25:16):
From what I can see, the other airship
is a dirigible with threecannons, and four large
cranes with netsmounted to the sides.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: (snarl) Only one group uses (25:22):
undefined
nets like that in Chimia.GARETH: I think you’re
probably right,Henry - slavers.
ELIZABETH (25:30):
Let me see the spyglass. I can see
four pirates on deck of theGlorious Dawn. Each of them
looks to be armed with asword of some kind. If
there are four on deck,it’s a safe bet there are
just as many below deck.I can also see a red skinned
man, who I assume isPilot, tied up next to the
wheelhouse with a burlapsack covering his head.
TRALNIS (25:52):
What are we waiting for? Let’s get to it.
ELIZABETH (25:55):
There’s a pretty good gap between the Glorious
Dawn and the ledge. We’regoing to have to jump for it.
TRALNIS (26:00):
So, there’s a gap. What are you implying?
White Dwarves can’t jump?ELIZABETH: All I’m saying is
that it’s going to be quite ajump for the Professor and
me. As to whether or not aDwarf could make that jump -
let’s just say that I've neverseen a Dwarvish hoopball
player. I suppose if wehave to, Henry could
always toss youonto the ship.
(26:22):
Damn it Captain, I’m a doctor, not a projectile!
NARRATOR (26:25):
Far below them on the deck of the
zeppelin, a cannonballat the base of a brass
monkey came loosecausing the entire
pyramid of steel balls tocome crashing down.
[cannon ball bounce,multiple balls rolling]
A drunken pirate wearing a red tunic had the
poor luck to choose that verymoment to take a stroll under
(26:48):
the moonlight. He stepped onthe lead cannonball, pivoted
180 degrees, and fell backwardonto the metal migration. When
they reached the railing atthe back of the ship, the
momentum from the journeytossed the pirate over the edge.
TRALNIS (27:11):
There’s that strange feeling in my Bones again. No
matter, let’s do this.SLAVER : So, what are you
planning on doing with yourshare of the money? What the…?
[Henry grunt, lands on Slaver ]TRALNIS: Now, now,
don’t be getting up.Doctor’s orders.
[Gareth and Elizabethgrunt as they land]
[Henry grunts again,wet splat]
SLAVER 2 (27:32):
Shit! ELIZABETH
it is. You’re lucky, I wasgoing to punch you in the
face, but I won’t now.I don’t want to get Chim
poo on my hand.[kneed in groin noise]
You call this lucky? [moaning]
[clock winding, hit]ELIZABETH: Okay, maybe not.
GARETH (27:56):
That’s new. The rod’s never turned
into a six footlong staff before.
[Henry and slaver fight]
(28:17):
It’s okay, you can stop now, Henry. He’s out
cold, and you're making amess on the deck with his
blood. We should head belowdeck right away to find the
others. We can leave Pilot heresince he isn't in danger right now
ELIZABETH (28:32):
You’re right, for once, Professor. You
and Tralnis check theengine room and
cargo hold. Henry andI will get the galley
and the crew quarters.[footsteps]
GARETH (28:41):
(thinking) No sign of Izzy. Just some slaver
pinning up nude picturesall over her engine room.
SLAVER 3 (28:47):
Huh? [swish, crack, thump]
GARETH (28:50):
Hopefully one of the others found something.
I’ll check on Tralnisin the cargo hold first.
[running, loud snores]GARETH: (thinking) Sheldon is
still asleep in the bunkwhere they hibernate.
Tralnis’ sleeping potionmust really be working,
they didn’t even wake upwhen the ship was boarded.
Speaking ofTralnis, where is he?
TRALNIS (29:06):
Watch where you’re putting that hand,
bucko, unless you’rewilling to buy me
breakfast afterwards!
GARETH (29:15):
Look out, Tralnis! You’re about
to roll into Sheldon’s bunk![slap, snores stop, chomp]
SLAVER 4 (29:20):
[scream] My hand! It bit off my hand!
TRALNIS (29:25):
I told you to watch where you put your hand.
SHELDON LEFT EYE: Eeeew! Spit it out! (29:28):
undefined
Spit... it... out! You don’tknow where that hand’s been!
GARETH (29:34):
Sheldon the ship’s been taken over by slavers!
[monstoer growl,Slaver screaming]
[bones snapping,screaming stops]
NARRATOR (29:41):
Meanwhile in the galley…
ELIZABETH (29:43):
It’s quite impressive to see how
well you can tie up theseslavers with just some cooking
twine. I also think the pignuts in their mouths to keep
them quiet is a nice touch.Finish up here, and catch
up with me in my cabin. It’sthe only one of the crew
quarters we haven’tsearched yet.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I’m probably going to be the (29:58):
undefined
first guy in theresince the last captain.
Nope, he beat me to it.ELIZABETH: (thinking) I can’t believe
that slaver a is dressed in myfavorite corset, and brushing
his filthy hair withmy hairbrush!
SLAVER 5 (30:22):
(singing) I am pretty, oh so pretty, and witty,
and....something elsethat ends in ‘itty’
ELIZABETH (30:32):
How about ‘shitty’?
SLAVER 5 (30:34):
Nah, that doesn’t fit the theme of
the song at all.Oh bugger.
ELIZABETH (30:41):
You present quite the problem. Normally I would
either shoot, or stab, anyonegoing through my stuff without
permission. If I run you throughwith my sword, I’ll ruin my
favorite corset. Same thingwith shooting you.
[flying object, thump]
Nice throw with that potato, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (30:59):
Comes from years of flinging poo.
ELIZABETH (31:02):
Now help me get him out of my clothes.
TRALNIS (31:04):
You know, as an omni-sexual Dwarf, I thought
I had seen just about everykinky thing under the twin
moons. Turns out I was wrong.I can now add seeing a Chim,
(31:26):
and a woman with amechanical arm stripping
a slaver out of women’slingerie to the list.
GARETH and ELIZABETH: Did you find Izzy? (31:31):
undefined
GARETH (31:33):
No, she wasn’t in the engine room or cargo hold.
No sign of Teesh either.[steam whistle x3]
ELIZABETH (31:41):
That has to be the slavers’ airship. Come on,
we need to see what isgoing on and untie Pilot.
TRALNIS (31:47):
I’ll check on Pilot.
SCALED ONE (31:49):
Throw your weapons overboard and prepare to be boarded,
or else I toss your prettyengineer over the side.
TRALNIS (32:03):
There you go, lad. Are you alright?
PILOT (32:07):
I am uncertain, short Doctor. Perhaps you can help
me determine if I amhallucinating or not. Is
purple magic crawling allover the angry looking
professor’s black staff?[magic crackling]
TRALNIS (32:16):
What? Well, I’ll be damned to non-alcoholic
beverages, it sure looks likethat’s what’s happening. Wait!
Gareth, what are you doing?Get down from the railing,
you’ll never survive a fall tothe deck of the slaver airship
from this far above it.Gareth, no! Don’t! GARETH!!!
(32:42):
[outro music]
This has beenGareth and the Lost Island
Episode 7Starring
Peter McGiffen as theNarrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey asTralnis Granitestaff
(33:04):
Patrick Mallard asGareth Mintel
Debra Mallard asIzzy Morgana
Lauren Kong asElizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore asSheldon’s Left Eyestalk
Kayce Swan asPilot
and Laurence Sterling Knottas the Slaver Captain
(33:26):
Featuring:
O J V A, Peter McGiffen,and Patrick Mallard as Slavers
No giant spiders were harmedduring the recording of the
show, mainly because theyscare us silly, and it’s hard
to get any work done whiledoing the icky spider dance.
Gareth and the Lost Island
was written and directedby Patrick Mallard.
[VDM Logo Music]Quack-Quack Hiss
NARRATOR (00:08):
Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 7 -The Jungles of Chimia - Part I
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-3 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter.
(00:45):
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.If laughter persists for more 14 00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:01,473 than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. 15 00:01:01,473 --> 00:01:26,265 [Theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Good morning, Tralnis, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Morning. (01:29):
undefined
TRALNIS (01:34):
Good morning to you too.
I’m glad you decided to forgothe teaching jacket like I did.
It’s damn hot here in Chimea.GARETH: Yeah. As Henry says,
‘It’s as humid as aChim’s crotch in trousers.’
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I keep telling you, kilts are (01:47):
undefined
the proper bottoms for men.TRALNIS: What did he say?
GARETH (01:53):
He was just extolling the virtues of kilts again.
TRALNIS (01:57):
Personally, I won’t be switching any time soon.
The boys are drooping so muchin this heat, my trousers
are the only thing keepingme from stepping on them.
ELIZABETH (02:07):
That’s an image I could have gone without.
IZZY (02:10):
Although, that would explain those weird tracks
we saw in the dunesof the Feckin Hoot
desert last year. Oh,I’m sorry, Tralnis.
I hope I didn’t offend youby talking about that desert.
TRALNIS (02:22):
No, I’m not offended. Why would I be?
GARETH (02:26):
(snorts with laughter)
TRALNIS (02:28):
Something you want to share, Gareth?
GARETH (02:31):
Sorry, in the School of Languages, the naming of
that desert is used as anexample of why you should
always double check yoursources, and that most
humans are too lazy todo so. Izzy, tell Tralnis
why you thoughthe would be offended.
IZZY (02:46):
The guide on our trip said the desert was taboo
to the Dwarves, so theynamed it after the Dwarvish
phrase for taboo,Feckin Hoot.
TRALNIS (02:54):
What? That’s not the word at all. Come to
think of it, I’m not reallysure we have one.
GARETH (03:01):
When the Human settlers got to that area,
they found the Dwarvesalready living under the
mountains. The humansasked the Dwarves if they
could tell them about thelarge desert to the West
of them. The Dwarves toldthem they couldn’t really
say since they never venturedmore than a short way into it.
When asked why they didn’t,the Dwarf they were speaking
with, who had a rather thickDwarvish brogue, replied,
(03:25):
‘Because it’s feckinhoot, that’s why!’
That misunderstandingled directly to another one.
The early human languagescholars thought that Dwarves
would avoid talking about‘taboo’ subjects by saying,
‘Each to theirown, I suppose.’
ELIZABETH (03:41):
I know I’ll regret asking this, but
why did they think that?GARETH: The early scholars
replaced ‘taboo’ with‘feckin hoot’ when
talking with Dwarves.An example being,
‘buggering sheep is feckinhoot in our culture.’ To which
the Dwarves always replied,‘Each to their own, I suppose.’
I was right. I regret asking.
TRALNIS (04:04):
(chuckles) I thought Izzy was coming
with us. Captain, sinceyou’re wearing cotton
trousers and a linen shirtinstead of your usual leathers,
I’m guessing you’re switchingplaces with Izzy on this foray.
GARETH (04:18):
What happened, Izzy, big sister ground you?
IZZY (04:22):
Actually, yes, that’s exactly what happened.
ELIZABETH (04:26):
We may be part owners in the Glorious Dawn,
but I am still her captain.I reserve the right to select
which of my crew participatesin away teams. Now step back
so I can open the railing andtoss the rope ladder over.
[hinge creak,rope unrolling]
GARETH (04:46):
So, who wants to go first?
Tralnis, Captain, I wouldn’tlook at Henry the way you are.
He considers thewhole Chims love
to climb thing as aracist stereotype.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Damn right. (04:57):
undefined
GARETH (04:59):
To keep the peace, I’ll go first. When I get
to the bottom, I’ll tie offthe ladder to make it
easier for the rest of you.[climbing]
Okay, you can come down now.
[climbing]
[insect buzzing]GARETH: T’shalk!
TRALNIS (05:14):
What was that, Gareth?
GARETH (05:21):
It’s a Roehus word that translates into
‘atheist word to replacetaking religious messiah’s
name in vain’. Consideringthe size of that monster,
I thought it was appropriate.
TRALNIS (05:32):
(chuckles) If you think that wee bug
was big, wait until you seea monguito. Think mosquito,
but ramped up to the size ofa robin. A swarm of those
bastards can drain everydrop of blood in a person
in less than a minute.ELIZABETH: What were you
saying earlier about mixingup a bug repellent?
(05:54):
Henry, turn around so I can get into the backpack.
[rummaging in backpack]TRALNIS: Here they are,
one for each of us. All youneed to do is rub a liberal
amount of the elixironto any exposed skin.
[bottle pops]ELIZABETH: Eewww!
I know it smells a little off, but
(06:17):
to a bug, this stuffreeks like pure poison.
GARETH (06:21):
Tralnis, do all of your potions come in nauseating colors?
TRALNIS (06:26):
Yes, now quit whining and put it on.
I don’t want to haveto treat any of you
for blood loss, now,or any time in the future.
[scene change music]
GARETH (06:41):
We’re finally at the coordinates from the second tablet.
While it's not a pyramid,I’m guessing that stone
arch with the rampleading underground
is what we’relooking for.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Hey, I know, let’s have the (06:53):
undefined
Dwarf go first into the mine.GARETH: (snorts with laughter)
TRALNIS (07:01):
Don’t bother to translate that. I’m pretty
sure it was just as racist assaying a Chim likes to climb.
GARETH (07:08):
I’ll go first again. It’s my quest that has led us
here after all. Just give mea moment to align the light
runes on this tube.[twist and click]
Here we go. [walking]
TRALNIS (07:27):
Odd, some of this stonework looks
Dwarvish. Be carefuleveryone, my ancestors
were a paranoid lot. There’slikely to be all sorts 127 00:07:38,156 --> 00:07:40,073 of traps down here.
GARETH (07:40):
Hey look! An Issian 50 gelt piece.
[step, swish ofrotating blades]
[Tralnis, Henry, andElizabeth gasp]
What? Do I have something on my clothes?
ELIZABETH (07:51):
(quietly) Did… did he just avoid being cut in
half by bending overto pick up a coin?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: (quietly) Uh-huh. (07:57):
undefined
ELIZABETH (07:59):
(quietly) Should we tell him how
close to deathhe just came?
TRALNIS (08:02):
(quietly) No, he would never believe
us anyway. (normally)Gareth lad, how about I take
over going first, and look forthose traps I mentioned?
[walking]
… and that’s another trap. What was that - 25 or 30
that we’ve found? I’ve lost count,but I’m willing to bet we only
(08:25):
have one more togo in this tunnel.
ELIZABETH (08:27):
What makes you think there’s only one trap left?
TRALNIS (08:30):
The tunnel ends just ahead of us, and the
floor is solid stone betweenus and the doors blocking
the way. I’m confident thelast trap is set into the
doors themselves. WeDwarves have always
enjoyed seeing how thetraps built into doors
dispatch intruders toomuch to spoil things by
setting any trapsright in front of them.
ELIZABETH (08:51):
Okay then, no touching the doors.
That goes doublefor you, Professor.
GARETH (08:56):
Can I at least get closer so I can see if there
is some kind of cluewritten on them?
ELIZABETH (09:00):
Fine, but look with your eyes, not your hands.
GARETH (09:04):
Fine. ELIZABETH
I heard you the first time.
ELIZABETH (09:11):
No touchy-touchy!
GARETH (09:14):
I get it! Okay, I don’t get it.
TRALNIS (09:19):
What don’t you get?
GARETH (09:22):
Each door has 9 panels on them, with each
panel depicting a persondoing some everyday task.
The only writing is in thatancient language. It reads,
‘The key to open this door liesin the center of cooperation.’
TRALNIS (09:38):
Well, this sucks sweaty Centaur balls. I hate
riddles! From your confusedexpression, I’ll assume you
haven’t had that particularexperience. Trust me, they
smell and tasteawful when sweaty.
ELIZABETH (09:55):
Professor, please say anything to
get that imageout of my head.
GARETH (10:00):
The pictures on the panels must have
something to do with theriddle. Let’s see if there is
anything the two centerpanels have in common,
or maybe there issomething in the
center of each panelthat opens the doors.
TRALNIS (10:13):
While you do that, I’ll check the tunnel walls.
Sometimes my people set upsecret entrances, and leave
a door that goes nowherejust to screw with people.
GARETH (10:24):
Good idea, Tralnis, thanks. Captain,
Henry, help me lookover the doors again.
TRALNIS (10:30):
Gareth, I think I may have
found something, but whatit means, or if it has
anything to do with thepanels, I’m not sure.
ELIZABETH (10:40):
What did you find?
TRALNIS (10:41):
I’ve found three identical stones.
Not similar, but identical.The first one is here on the
wall close to the ground. Thesecond one is on the opposite
wall about shoulder heightfor a human. The third one
is in the ceiling just infront of that air shaft.
GARETH (11:00):
Maybe the placement of the stones
means something in relationto the center panels. The one
on the right shows a youngwoman picking fruit in an
orchard. The other oneshows a chef in a kitchen.
Ohhh, I get it now!The answer is food.
TRALNIS (11:19):
Okay, you’ve gone and lost me.
GARETH (11:23):
Both center panels each deal with food. The rune
for ‘food’ looks like a personstanding up straight next to a
person on their hands and knees with a third person 200 00:11:33,683 --> 00:11:35,798 standing on the second persons back.
If I get down on allfours, I can press the
lower stone. Elizabeth canstand on my back, and press
the stone in the ceiling.If Henry stretches
(11:44):
he can reach up andpress the last stone.
ELIZABETH (11:46):
Henry, has Gareth always been
strangers withcommon sense?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Meh (11:51):
undefined
ELIZABETH (11:52):
Doctor, you get the bottom one, I’ll get the
shoulder height one, andHenry, grab a hold of the
ledge on their shaft andget the last stone. That
way no one has tostand on anybody's back.
[stone moving, chainsfalling, doors opening
GARETH (12:12):
That works too, I suppose.
[walking]
There’s another altar just like the one in the
underwater temple and itlooks like there’s a clay
tablet on top of it. At leastit doesn’t look like there
are any skeletonsthat we have to fight.
[doors slam shut]ELIZABETH: Now what?!
TRALNIS (12:33):
Gareth, what have I told you about tempting fate?
GARETH (12:38):
Don’t do it.
TRALNIS (12:40):
Exactly! Henry, hand me my family’s war hammer. You
might want to get your fryingpan, “Mr. Smashy”, ready.
[ape noises] RANSLATOR: Yes, sir! Mr. Smashy and the (12:48):
undefined
Nutcracker, coming right up.[metal sound, stone sliding]
GARETH (13:01):
Oh, there they are. The skeletons were
just each hiding behind oneof the six hidden doors
sliding into the ground. Thatlast ones a bit weird though.
I always thoughtskeletons were people
but that one’ssome kind of huge cat.
TRALNIS (13:16):
Amazing, that’s the skeleton of a Northern Sabercat.
They’ve been extinct since theSecond Great Apocalypse.
No one has ever found acomplete skeleton of one
of them before. What? I’man amateur paleontologist.
ELIZABETH (13:34):
I’m very happy for you. Any suggestions on how to
handle a cat that’s onlyslightly smaller than a pony?
TRALNIS (13:43):
Depends, anyone happen to have
a bloody huge ballof yarn with them?
ELIZABETH:Wonderful… I’mgoing to be killed next to a
comedian. Hopefully theProfessor's little black stick
will be as effective on theseskeletons as the last ones.
That’s the cue for youto pull that toy of yours
(14:03):
out of the holsteryou made for it.
GARETH (14:05):
I’m trying to! But it’s stuck!
ELIZABETH (14:09):
Idiot! [skeletons running]
TRALNIS (14:13):
Bad kitty! [Henry snarls]
GARETH (14:18):
It’s moving, almost… got… it. There! Whoa!
[swish, metal clang,body falling]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Whoops! (14:25):
undefined
TRALNIS (14:26):
Gareth! Which of you bastards did that to
my son?! Why are you skeletonspointing at Henry? I see, you’re
saying he’s next. Notbloody likely! I’m going to…
[yelp, tackle;sliding across floor]
Damn it cat! Leave me be!
ELIZABETH (14:46):
(thinking) Okay, Liz, remember all of those
old timers you hung aroundwith as a kid a said
the best way to deal with theundead is to stop the brain
from communicating with therest of the body. I know these
skeletons technically don’thave brains, but it should
work the same,shouldn’t it?
[gun cocking,gun shot]
(15:07):
Oh, come on, that’sdragonshit! I shot you,
you should be dead.Well, er, even more dead
than you already are,I guess. Is there even
a word to describe that state?Since you’re shrugging your
moldy shoulders, I’m guessingyou don’t know either. Wait,
what are you doing? Are youpicking your nose? You are,
(15:32):
aren’t you. Don’t you knowit’s impolite to pick your
nose in public, besides, youdon’t even have one anymore.
[scrape, bulletdrop on floor]
Never mind, if I had a bullet lodged in my
sinuses, I would pick my nosetoo. Here, let me holster my
pistol, and we can shake toshow there’s no hard feelings.
[step, clock winding noise,bone breaking]
(15:55):
For the record, I never said anything about
not punching while we shookhands. Just like I never said I
wouldn’t stomp on your soonto be deader than already
dead skull rollingaround the floor.
[stomp, bones falling apart]
Still got it. Okay, let’s try this again.
That skeleton fightingwith Henry isn’t paying
attention. This time I’llaim for that weird, purple
(16:19):
rune on theback of its skull.
[cocking, gunshot,crack, bones fall apart]
Oh yeah, who’s your mommy? Who’s your mommy?!
[cricket]
Why is everyone staring at me?
Can we just all pretend Inever said that? Anyway,
Henry, Doctor, break thepurple rune on their
(16:41):
skulls, it must be whatkeeps them together!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure, why not? (16:44):
undefined
[metal smash,bone crack, bones falling]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:48):
Who’s your monkey? Who’s your monkey?!
TRALNIS (16:51):
(grunt)
[smack magic sound,bones falling apart]
Knocking them into the altar works too!
[gunshot, crack,bones falling apart]
Henry! One of them snuck past you,
and is headedtowards Gareth!
HENRY (17:07):
(howl of rage)
[bones rattling,magic noisebones falling apart]
ELIZABETH (17:12):
Is that all of them? TRALNIS
GARETH (17:15):
Oh, my head. What’d I miss?
[scene change music]
Thanks for the headache potion, Tralnis.
TRALNIS (17:29):
Think nothing of it, lad. I’m just glad you
weren’t hurt worse.Let me know if you
get dizzy again, or havesudden loss of vision.
GARETH (17:38):
Well… I’m not having any problems with
my eyes, but there’s a weirdbuzzing in my ears that
keeps getting louder.
TRALNIS (17:44):
Buzzing? Oh, shite! Monguitos! Run!
[running]
GARETH (17:50):
I thought you said they were the size
of Robins? These thingsare the size of pigeons!
TRALNIS (17:56):
We seem to have discovered a new species.
If we live through this, I’ll seeabout naming them after you.
HENRY (18:04):
(snarl) [swish, metal strike, squish]
GARETH (18:08):
… Carry the 4 and divide by the sine of…
ELIZABETH (18:14):
What are you babbling about?
GARETH (18:16):
I’m trying to do complex magical calculations
in my head while running.
You three keep going.I'll buy us some time.
TRALNIS (18:26):
Don’t stop running, Gareth! The lawyers… I mean
blood sucking bastardsare almost on top of you!
GARETH (18:34):
Unholy Winds!
TRALNIS (18:36):
Oh… yeah, not going to finish that phrase. Run faster
you two! Trust me when I tellyou that you don’t want to be
caught up in the magic blastGareth is going to unleash!
[buzzing]GARETH: Ta’shennish!
(18:57):
[high pitched farts]
GARETH (19:03):
Oh no! That cute little green tailed lemur is
about to be pouncedon by that tree cat.
[wet fart, angryhiss, fall into bush]
Oops. I forgot to factor in all the
(19:30):
animals surrounding meagain, and there’s a lot of
animals in a rainforest.[more farts]
I’ve got to get out of here!
I think we can slow down now.
ELIZABETH (19:52):
That cloud… those noises… no man
should have thatpower. Why are
you stopping, Henry?We have to get back to
the ship, and get out ofthis accursed jungle!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: It should be right here. (20:08):
undefined
I remember that tree.GARETH: He said he
swears this is where wecame to ground. He
remembers us climbingdown by that tree over there.
ELIZABETH (20:20):
Obviously you got turned around
somewhere,and managedto get us lost, Henry!
TRALNIS (20:25):
I don’t think so.
ELIZABETH (20:27):
And why do you say that, Doctor?
TRALNIS (20:30):
This rope ladder hasn’t been
here long enough for thejungle to start affecting it.
(sneezes)Blast it all! I was hoping
the elixir I took to controlmy allergies would
have lasted longer.
[loud sneeze twice][snot splat]
ELIZABETH (20:45):
Let me see that. Eeew… I don’t want to touch
it; I just want to look at it.That’s our ladder alright.
Son of a sheep buggeringbastard! Where’s my airship?!
TRALNIS (20:59):
Henry, take this spyglass,
and climb up to the treecanopy. See if you can
find any trace of theGlorious Dawn. I’d do
it myself, but weDwarves are lousy climbers.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, you’d look like the (21:14):
undefined
weirdest squirrel ever.GARETH: He said that’s
probably true, but itwould be funny as
hells to watch you try.TRALNIS: Hah… hah.
Don’t quit your day job,which might I remind you
happens to be working for me.(sneeze) Up!
(21:35):
[Henry climbs tree]
GARETH (21:40):
We might as well have a seat
against this treewhile we wait.
TRALNIS (21:43):
Sounds wonderful. This heat and humidity is
making me sleepy.(sneeze) Sorry.
[happy sigh]GARETH: Hey Sneezy,
why so happy? You have adopey smile on your face.
Sometimes, when I get sleepy, right
before I drift off toslumberland, my memories
drift back to the timeright after I graduated
(22:04):
from medical school. (sneezeSix other Dwarves from my
village and I got together toform a communal septet. We
were young, and full ofthe experimenting spirit.
(sneeze)GARETH: You never told me
about that. What happened?Why did you leave?
Did they kick you outafter you tried to
cook for them?TRALNIS: No. One of
(22:26):
the other lads broughthome a human female
who had gotten into aspot of trouble. Turned
out, she ended up beinga wonderful cook, and a
great housekeeper. Shewas kind, had a great voice,
and did this really neat trickwith her tongue. (sneeze) We
all grew quite fond of her, andwere more than happy to
(22:47):
change our septet to an octet.ELIZABETH: Tongue
trick, huh? What exactlyare we talking about here?
A trick is all, forget I mentioned it.
(sneeze)ELIZABETH: Hey Doc,
don’t get grumpy on us.I was just asking.
Never thought youwould be the bashful type.
(sneeze) I’m sorry, Captain. Even though most
(23:13):
of my memories of her aregood, what happened at the
end still brings me down. Inthe beginning, we took her in
to get her away from a badsituation. After we managed
to get it all straightened out,she ended up dumping us for
some rich ponce whotook credit for everything.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I saw the Glorious Dawn tied (23:30):
undefined
up next to a mountain ahalf day’s hike from here.
GARETH (23:36):
He says he saw what he thinks is the Glorious Dawn
anchored nextto a mountain.
It’s about a half day’swalk from here.
ELIZABETH (23:43):
What the hells are they doing over there?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Probably has something to do (23:45):
undefined
with the other shipmoored next to it.
GARETH (23:49):
Henry says the answer probably has something to do
with the other airshipat the mountain
next to the Glorious Dawn.[gun cocked]
ELIZABETH (23:58):
Don’t move, Professor!
GARETH (23:59):
Look,Captain, I know we’ve had our
differences, but I thinkwe can talk things through.
TRALNIS (24:05):
Don’t miss, lass. GARETH
[gunshot, birds flying away]GARETH: I’m still alive?
Good shot, Captain. ELIZABETH
GARETH (24:20):
What the hells is going on?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Look behind you. (24:22):
undefined
GARETH (24:24):
Behind me? [shrieks in terror]
I’ve seen dogs smaller than that spider!
TRALNIS (24:29):
Sorry we didn’t say anything before, Gareth,
but Henry and I know howyou feel about spiders. I’m
certain that if I told you thatyou had a giant, extremely
poisonous spider on yourshoulder, you would have
screamed and runaround in circles
doing your version ofthe icky spider dance.
GARETH (24:46):
I get why you and Henry didn’t say anything,
but why didn’tElizabeth? I’ve never
told anyone on the shipI’m terrified of spiders.
ELIZABETH (24:56):
I just wanted to see your expression as
I pointed a gun at you.It’s good to know you
have a healthy fear of me.Let’s keep it that way.
[scene change music]
GARETH (25:10):
Looks like this ledge will put us
about 10 feet from theside of the Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (25:16):
From what I can see, the other airship
is a dirigible with threecannons, and four large
cranes with netsmounted to the sides.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: (snarl) Only one group uses (25:22):
undefined
nets like that in Chimia.GARETH: I think you’re
probably right,Henry - slavers.
ELIZABETH (25:30):
Let me see the spyglass. I can see
four pirates on deck of theGlorious Dawn. Each of them
looks to be armed with asword of some kind. If
there are four on deck,it’s a safe bet there are
just as many below deck.I can also see a red skinned
man, who I assume isPilot, tied up next to the
wheelhouse with a burlapsack covering his head.
TRALNIS (25:52):
What are we waiting for? Let’s get to it.
ELIZABETH (25:55):
There’s a pretty good gap between the Glorious
Dawn and the ledge. We’regoing to have to jump for it.
TRALNIS (26:00):
So, there’s a gap. What are you implying?
White Dwarves can’t jump?ELIZABETH: All I’m saying is
that it’s going to be quite ajump for the Professor and
me. As to whether or not aDwarf could make that jump -
let’s just say that I've neverseen a Dwarvish hoopball
player. I suppose if wehave to, Henry could
always toss youonto the ship.
(26:22):
Damn it Captain, I’m a doctor, not a projectile!
NARRATOR (26:25):
Far below them on the deck of the
zeppelin, a cannonballat the base of a brass
monkey came loosecausing the entire
pyramid of steel balls tocome crashing down.
[cannon ball bounce,multiple balls rolling]
A drunken pirate wearing a red tunic had the
poor luck to choose that verymoment to take a stroll under
(26:48):
the moonlight. He stepped onthe lead cannonball, pivoted
180 degrees, and fell backwardonto the metal migration. When
they reached the railing atthe back of the ship, the
momentum from the journeytossed the pirate over the edge.
TRALNIS (27:11):
There’s that strange feeling in my Bones again. No
matter, let’s do this.SLAVER : So, what are you
planning on doing with yourshare of the money? What the…?
[Henry grunt, lands on Slaver ]TRALNIS: Now, now,
don’t be getting up.Doctor’s orders.
[Gareth and Elizabethgrunt as they land]
[Henry grunts again,wet splat]
SLAVER 2 (27:32):
Shit! ELIZABETH
it is. You’re lucky, I wasgoing to punch you in the
face, but I won’t now.I don’t want to get Chim
poo on my hand.[kneed in groin noise]
You call this lucky? [moaning]
[clock winding, hit]ELIZABETH: Okay, maybe not.
GARETH (27:56):
That’s new. The rod’s never turned
into a six footlong staff before.
[Henry and slaver fight]
(28:17):
It’s okay, you can stop now, Henry. He’s out
cold, and you're making amess on the deck with his
blood. We should head belowdeck right away to find the
others. We can leave Pilot heresince he isn't in danger right now
ELIZABETH (28:32):
You’re right, for once, Professor. You
and Tralnis check theengine room and
cargo hold. Henry andI will get the galley
and the crew quarters.[footsteps]
GARETH (28:41):
(thinking) No sign of Izzy. Just some slaver
pinning up nude picturesall over her engine room.
SLAVER 3 (28:47):
Huh? [swish, crack, thump]
GARETH (28:50):
Hopefully one of the others found something.
I’ll check on Tralnisin the cargo hold first.
[running, loud snores]GARETH: (thinking) Sheldon is
still asleep in the bunkwhere they hibernate.
Tralnis’ sleeping potionmust really be working,
they didn’t even wake upwhen the ship was boarded.
Speaking ofTralnis, where is he?
TRALNIS (29:06):
Watch where you’re putting that hand,
bucko, unless you’rewilling to buy me
breakfast afterwards!
GARETH (29:15):
Look out, Tralnis! You’re about
to roll into Sheldon’s bunk![slap, snores stop, chomp]
SLAVER 4 (29:20):
[scream] My hand! It bit off my hand!
TRALNIS (29:25):
I told you to watch where you put your hand.
SHELDON LEFT EYE: Eeeew! Spit it out! (29:28):
undefined
Spit... it... out! You don’tknow where that hand’s been!
GARETH (29:34):
Sheldon the ship’s been taken over by slavers!
[monstoer growl,Slaver screaming]
[bones snapping,screaming stops]
NARRATOR (29:41):
Meanwhile in the galley…
ELIZABETH (29:43):
It’s quite impressive to see how
well you can tie up theseslavers with just some cooking
twine. I also think the pignuts in their mouths to keep
them quiet is a nice touch.Finish up here, and catch
up with me in my cabin. It’sthe only one of the crew
quarters we haven’tsearched yet.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: I’m probably going to be the (29:58):
undefined
first guy in theresince the last captain.
Nope, he beat me to it.ELIZABETH: (thinking) I can’t believe
that slaver a is dressed in myfavorite corset, and brushing
his filthy hair withmy hairbrush!
SLAVER 5 (30:22):
(singing) I am pretty, oh so pretty, and witty,
and....something elsethat ends in ‘itty’
ELIZABETH (30:32):
How about ‘shitty’?
SLAVER 5 (30:34):
Nah, that doesn’t fit the theme of
the song at all.Oh bugger.
ELIZABETH (30:41):
You present quite the problem. Normally I would
either shoot, or stab, anyonegoing through my stuff without
permission. If I run you throughwith my sword, I’ll ruin my
favorite corset. Same thingwith shooting you.
[flying object, thump]
Nice throw with that potato, Henry.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (30:59):
Comes from years of flinging poo.
ELIZABETH (31:02):
Now help me get him out of my clothes.
TRALNIS (31:04):
You know, as an omni-sexual Dwarf, I thought
I had seen just about everykinky thing under the twin
moons. Turns out I was wrong.I can now add seeing a Chim,
(31:26):
and a woman with amechanical arm stripping
a slaver out of women’slingerie to the list.
GARETH and ELIZABETH: Did you find Izzy? (31:31):
undefined
GARETH (31:33):
No, she wasn’t in the engine room or cargo hold.
No sign of Teesh either.[steam whistle x3]
ELIZABETH (31:41):
That has to be the slavers’ airship. Come on,
we need to see what isgoing on and untie Pilot.
TRALNIS (31:47):
I’ll check on Pilot.
SCALED ONE (31:49):
Throw your weapons overboard and prepare to be boarded,
or else I toss your prettyengineer over the side.
TRALNIS (32:03):
There you go, lad. Are you alright?
PILOT (32:07):
I am uncertain, short Doctor. Perhaps you can help
me determine if I amhallucinating or not. Is
purple magic crawling allover the angry looking
professor’s black staff?[magic crackling]
TRALNIS (32:16):
What? Well, I’ll be damned to non-alcoholic
beverages, it sure looks likethat’s what’s happening. Wait!
Gareth, what are you doing?Get down from the railing,
you’ll never survive a fall tothe deck of the slaver airship
from this far above it.Gareth, no! Don’t! GARETH!!!
(32:42):
[outro music]
This has beenGareth and the Lost Island
Episode 7Starring
Peter McGiffen as theNarrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey asTralnis Granitestaff
(33:04):
Patrick Mallard asGareth Mintel
Debra Mallard asIzzy Morgana
Lauren Kong asElizabeth Morgana
Daniel Fore asSheldon’s Left Eyestalk
Kayce Swan asPilot
and Laurence Sterling Knottas the Slaver Captain
(33:26):
Featuring:
O J V A, Peter McGiffen,and Patrick Mallard as Slavers
No giant spiders were harmedduring the recording of the
show, mainly because theyscare us silly, and it’s hard
to get any work done whiledoing the icky spider dance.
Gareth and the Lost Island
was written and directedby Patrick Mallard.
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