May 31, 2023 • 38 mins
Gareth is given a mystical glimpse into the past of his people, before he storms the Slaver airship to rescue the woman he has fallen in love with. The crew then hatch a daring, but overly complicated plan to rescue their final missing member.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
[VDM Logo music]Quack-quack-hiss
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 8 -The Jungles of Chimia - Part II
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
(00:40):
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.If laughter persists for more
than four hours, seekimmediate medical attention.
(01:02):
[theme]
TRALNIS (01:27):
There you go, lad. Are you alright?
PILOT (01:30):
I am uncertain, short Doctor. Perhaps you can help
me determine if I amhallucinating or not.
Is purple magic crawlingall over the angry looking
professor’s black staff?[magic crackling]
[magic transportation]
GARETH (01:45):
What happened? Where am I?
The sky is black withonly a handful of stars
instead of thousands.Are the stars getting closer?
Wait…those aren’t stars, It'slight surrounding people.
People with ears likemine, dozens of them.
[Gareth chuckles,magic sound crescendos]
(02:09):
You! I’ve seen you before,well at least your statue in
a sunken temple. You're the one who I got the rod from
GUARDIAN (02:17):
Odd.
SMITH (02:19):
Of course, he looks odd, styles change over the years.
Trust me,I should know.
GARETH (02:27):
Who are you?
SMITH (02:30):
They call me the Smith, and you seem to recognize
the one wecall the Guardian.
Ah, but where are my manners?
Congratulations on mastering
the T’shun meditationtechniques, young man.
GARETH (02:47):
The what?!
Where am I?
SMITH (02:50):
Perhaps over the years, the name of the techniques I
developed have come to beknown by something different.
As for where you are,I would think that would be
fairly obvious considering youjust spent two days fasting
and meditating to get here.
GUARDIAN (03:07):
Hold, old one.
I do not believe he knowsof what you speak.
GARETH (03:14):
Exactly.
I haven’t a clue as to whatyou are going on about.
And like I said, I don’teven know where here is.
SMITH (03:21):
The Void Rod, boy! You must have meditated and
fasted in order to getyour consciousness to
enter the weapon.
GARETH (03:29):
Wait a minute!
Are you trying to tell me
we’re inside that black rod?
SMITH (03:35):
Where else would we be?
What did you think the fasting
and meditation wasfor in the first place?
GUARDIAN (03:41):
Again, I say hold. From his answers,
and obvious confusion,our new brother did not
partake in the usual ceremonyto join with the Void Rod.
SMITH (03:53):
Then how else do you explain--
GUARDIAN (03:56):
What is the last thing you remember, brother?
GARETH (03:59):
Izzy! That bastard is threatening to kill her!
I have to go backand help her!
SMITH (04:05):
Hmm, perhaps righteous anger…
GUARDIAN (04:08):
Fueled by the love for another.
SMITH (04:11):
Yes...I suppose that could work, but it would
require truly tremendousmagical powers to do that.
I’m talking about magical strengthon the level of the Mintels.
GUARDIAN (04:26):
You make a very good point, perhaps instead--
GARETH (04:31):
My name... is Gareth Mintel.
SMITH (04:34):
Well met, my lord!
It makes my old, dead heart
swell with pride to knowthat one of the Void Rods
I fashioned is being wieldedby a Mintel once again.
GUARDIAN (04:47):
My lord, this ‘Izzy’, is she your life mate?
GARETH (04:52):
[hesitant] Um…no…
GUARDIAN (04:55):
Is it your desire that she become so?
GARETH (04:58):
I…Honestly, I can’t imagine a future
without Izzy in it.I want to stand
by her side forthe rest of my life.
GUARDIAN (05:07):
So be it.
SMITH (05:09):
You know what will happen
if you go throughwith this, don’t you?
GUARDIAN (05:13):
Do not try and stop me, Smith.
I swore to protectthe Mintel family
in life and beyond. This includes their mates.
I will fulfill my oath, old one.
GARETH (05:27):
What are you two talking about?
GUARDIAN (05:29):
I’m going to give you that which
you will need to savethe next Lady Mintel.
By my own free will,I give unto thee my
strength and knowledge.May you use them to protect
those whom I no longer can. Now prepare yourself, my lord.
This will hurt.[magic crescendos]
GARETH (05:49):
[screams in pain] [magic sound stops]
What… where did he go?
What just happened?
SMITH (05:57):
All that he was now resides within you.
You have been given agreat gift, young Lord Mintel.
One that very few of our peoplehave ever been granted.
Use it well... and kick those fecesextruding orifices threatening
the future Lady Mintel straightto the lowest level of the hells!
GARETH (06:19):
Everything is starting to fade away.
Wait! Before you go,tell me, what are we?
SMITH (06:26):
[ voice receding] Those who wield a Void Rod, of course.
[magic transition][magic crackling]
GARETH (06:38):
I’m back, and that scaled
son of a politician isstill threatening Izzy!
GUARDIAN (06:45):
[internal dialogue] To save her, let the magic of the
Void Rod guide you.
GARETH (06:50):
(whisper) For Izzy.
[magic crackling intensifies]
TRALNIS (06:54):
Wait! Gareth, what are you doing?
Get down from the railing,you’ll never survive a fall to the
deck of the slaver airshipfrom this far above it.
Gareth, no!Don’t! GARETH!!!
[falling, impact on deck below]
SCALED ONE (07:10):
[internal dialogue] What the hells?
How did he survivethat drop?
His…his eyes areglowing purple, and he’s wielding
a black staff!
No, it can’t be.
Those were just legendsto scare hatchlings.
GARETH (07:32):
Gentlemen, who wants to go first?
SLAVER 1 (07:35):
I ain’t afraid of no silly glowing eyes.
I’ll gut you boy.
[swish, thump, body falls]
GARETH (07:42):
Who's next.
SCALED ONE (07:44):
Don’t just stand there you fools, kill him!
[fight sounds,pirates dying]
ELIZABETH (07:58):
I don’t know how the Professor did that jump,
but I’ll be damned if I let himfight to save Izzy alone!
Henry, tie the rope from the
harpoon gun we salvagedto the top of the wheelhouse.
[rope tying]
[internal dialogue] Okay, Liz, take careful aim and resist the
urge to shoot the Professor, heis helping to save Izzy after all.
(08:18):
[harpoon cannon fire, ropeuncoiling, wood impact]
[internal dialogue] Throw mechanical arm up
over the rope, and jump!
[zipline]
Woohoo!
[lands on deck,draws sword]
SLAVER 2 (08:30):
First, a crazed guy with glowing eyes
jumps onto the ship,and now a hideously
disfigured chick with amechanical arm drops down too.
I should have listened to Ma,and got a good job
mucking stables.
[death groan]
ELIZABETH (08:47):
Mothers usually know best.
[runs pirate through][fighting noises, pirates dying]
GARETH (08:52):
Yield, and I’ll let you live.
SCALED ONE (08:53):
I have a better offer. Kill them,
and you’ll get your pickof the next slave harvest.
SLAVER 4 (09:03):
Now that's what I like to hear.
I broke me last slave afterI tied her to the cannon and…
[swish, crack, thump][death grunt]
SCALED ONE (09:12):
[internal dialogue] It’s just like the stories from
before the SecondGreat Apocalypse.
A demon with glowing,purple eyes that can
wipe out an entire raidingparty single handedly.
SWORD MASTER (09:26):
Nice form, girl.
Could be better though.
ELIZABETH (09:29):
Oh please, if you’re so good,
then step forwardand prove it.
SWORD MASTER (09:33):
Gladly. Who knows,
you might be good enoughto make me break a sweat.
[draws sword,sword fighting]
ELIZABETH (09:42):
[internal dialogue] Well… shit.
He’s actually asgood as he says.
I recognize his style, andI won’t be able to beat him.
Time to do somethingthat would give my
old fencing instructora stroke.
Lay the trap by lowering mysword for a strong upward swing,
leaving myself completelyopen for an overhead slash.
SWORD MASTER (10:06):
Tsk-tsk, never drop your guard like that.
Too bad you won’t live tolearn from your mistake.
[exertion grunt][metal clang]
SWORD MASTER: What? How? (10:17):
undefined
ELIZABETH (10:19):
Metal hand, obviously.
SWORD MASTER: Let go of my sword, (10:21):
undefined
you bitch! You’regoing to scratch it!
ELIZABETH (10:25):
That’s what you’re worried about? Moron
SWORD MASTER: My arm! You cut off my arm! (10:29):
undefined
SLAVER 1 (10:33):
Oh gods, that’s a head!
I didn't sign up for this!
SCALED ONE (10:37):
Watch out for the railing, you fool!
[wood creak,wilhelm scream]
[sigh] Never mind.
ELIZABETH (10:46):
You’ve no crew left to stop us.
Let my sister go,or I’ll see what
our chef can dowith fresh lizard meat.
SCALED ONE (10:54):
You’ll have to cut through her first to get to me
IZZY (10:58):
(thinking) Finally! I’ve been waiting
all this time for him to pullme close to him as a shield.
Okay, now just likeCaptain Dunning taught us.
Go weak in the knees,drop my weight,
and pull him forwardto keep a hold of me.
SCALED ONE (11:12):
Wha?
IZZY (11:13):
(thinking) And stand up explosively!
(outloud) That was for Pilot!
(thinking) Follow up with a kick
through the knee todrop him to the ground.
[bone breaks, ScaledOne screaming]
That was for me…and this is for Teesh!
(thinking) End witha kick to the head.
[kick, thump]
ELIZABETH (11:32):
Nice moves, sis!
Turn around so I cancut your ropes.
IZZY (11:36):
Thanks!
Gareth,why are your eyes glowing?
Oh good, they’re goingback to normal now.
I love your eyes.
Now I just need to decidewho to hug first, you or Liz.
GARETH (11:48):
Huh…what? I… oh gods,
those men…what did I…[running, vomiting]
ELIZABETH (12:00):
Well, I guess that
makes your decisioneasier. Come here sis.
[scene change music][love theme starts]
IZZY (12:11):
Gareth, I’ve been looking for you all over the
Glorious Dawn. I should haveknown you would be
here sitting next to our cannon.Perhaps, we should just
hang a plaque that reads‘Gareth’s Brooding Spot.’
GARETH (12:24):
Looking for me? How can you even stand
to be near me after you sawwhat I did to those slavers?
[slap]GARETH: Owe! What was that for?!
IZZY (12:32):
Now that I have your undivided attention,
I’ll answer your questionwith one of my own.
Why wouldn’t I want tospend time with you.
You jumped off one airshipand onto another
that was full of slaversto save my life
No, don’t turn away, look at me, please.
When we find Teesh, and thereare more of those bastards
(12:55):
between her and us, willyou let them hurt her
or will you destroy themlike you did earlier?
Keep in mind thatthose assholes are only
going to give youthese two options.
GARETH (13:08):
I’ll kill every damn one of them with my bare hands
if it means keepingyou two safe.
That’s what is botheringme so much.
I feel horribleabout what I did,
but I know I would doit again without hesitation.
IZZY (13:21):
And that Professor,
is one of the manyreasons why I fancy you.
That, and youradorable rear end.
GARETH (13:30):
Really?
IZZY (13:32):
(chuckles) Quit turning around like that
trying to seeyour own butt.
You’re going to make yourself dizzy.
GARETH (13:38):
True. For the record,
I’m quite fond ofyour derriere as well.
IZZY (13:43):
Is that so?
GARETH (13:45):
Yes, ma'am.
[romantic music stopswith a record screech]
TRALNIS (13:48):
Mythical gods above and below, I have terrible timing!
IZZY (13:53):
Yes… yes you do!
TRALNIS (13:55):
Sorry you two, but the captain
wants to see us in herready room to come
up with a plan before weinterrogate our prisoner.
IZZY (14:03):
Raincheck?
GARETH (14:04):
Most definitely, my lady.
TRALNIS (14:06):
Come on you two lovebirds.
Gareth?
We need to hurry.
I don’t want Captain Scaryto be mad at me.
GARETH (14:15):
Tralnis, head back, and tell Elizabeth
to meet us inthe galley instead.
I have an idea, but we’ll needHenry’s help to pull it off.
TRALNIS (14:22):
I know that gleam in your eyes, lad.
This is going to be good.
I’ll meet you twoin the galley.
IZZY (14:29):
What are we waiting for?
I can’t wait to hearwhat you came up with.
[footsteps down stairs]
ELIZABETH (14:36):
This better be good, Professor!
GARETH (14:38):
Henry, how would you
and Chompers like to helpinterrogate the Scaled One?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, excellent! (14:42):
undefined
GARETH (14:46):
Good.
Grab Chompers,that meat turning fork, those
melon ballers, a corkscrew,and…that press thing over there.
What isthat for anyway?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: It’s called a garlic press. (14:57):
undefined
GARETH (15:01):
Garlic press?
Huh, learn somethingnew every day.
Tralnis, we'll also need yourspare medical bag.
TRALNIS (15:07):
Done.
GARETH (15:08):
Next we need to move the galley table into
the cargo hold, andfigure out how to make
and then rig up somerestraints to attach to it.
IZZY (15:17):
No need.
I have a setof restraints in my cabin.
GARETH (15:20):
You do? Why?
IZZY:They’re for…um… reasons.
Play your cards right, Professor,and you’ll find out those reasons.
[scene change music]
SCALED ONE (15:37):
Why am I in this pathetic
cargo hold?Untie me, Dwarf!
TRALNIS (15:43):
[muttering] Why the hells did I bother patching this
poor sod up just for themto undo all my hard work?
[door opens]
SCALED ONE:(thinking)Shit!
It’s the purple demon,
the mechanical devil,and the red-haired warrior.
What the hells are theyplanning on doing to me?
(16:03):
They even brought a Chim witha doctor’s bag who looks
like the Winter SolsticeHoliday came early.
Captain, I must formally object to what you
are planning. As the ship'ssurgeon, this man is now my
patient, and I am bound by myoath as a healer to do no harm.
ELIZABETH (16:24):
You are dismissed for the next hour or so, Doctor.
After that, depending on whatthe prisoner is willing
to tell us, we mayhave need of you again.
That is of courseif he lives.
TRALNIS (16:36):
Right… sorry mate,
she scares the living hellsout of me.
You’re on your own.
[footsteps receding,Tralnis snickers]
ELIZABETH (16:44):
Henry, please check and
make sure the restraintswon’t get too tight.
What happened lasttime was… distasteful.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:52):
You should have used the safe word then.
GARETH (16:56):
Captain, I’m going to pull up a chair
and chat with our newfriend while he does that.
[chair scraping]
Hello, my name is Professor Mintel.
SCALED ONE (17:05):
What do you want, you hairless Chim?!
GARETH (17:09):
What I want is to give you two options.
The first is to cooperate andtell me what I want to know.
The second is for you to notcooperate, and force me
to let my friend over thereplay with you for a while.
If you choosethe second option,
you will be begging totell us everything
you know in orderto make him stop.
SCALED ONE (17:29):
Is that it? Am I supposed
to be scared ofa hairless Chim
threatening to turn me overto his hairy cousin?
Let me go now,and I’ll make sure you're
all sold somewhere otherthan an Aetherium mine.
GARETH (17:47):
To be fair, and help you make an informed decision,
I should probably tell you alittle bit about my friend.
Henry is a free Chimborn on IRD soil.
His parents, however,were a different story.
They were both formerslaves who managed to escape
from the laborcamps near Skirth.
They died early in Henry’slife from the abuse
(18:08):
they received at thehands of your kind,
but not before telling himevery single horror story
of their timeas slaves.
Those stories led Henryto acquire a hobby
that would be seenas odd at best,
and revolting at worst,in polite society.
SCALED ONE (18:23):
What… he picks lice off of non-Chims?
GARETH (18:28):
Nothing like that, I’m afraid.
You see, Henry likesto torture Scaled Ones.
I know as his friend Ishould try to discourage him,
but there’s a sick sort of beautywatching an artist like him work.
I mean, just look at the lovingway he lays outs his tools.
[Henry hums SwedishChef song to himself]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Ouch! (18:50):
undefined
GARETH (18:51):
Henry, when are you going to learn to
trust yourself when it comesto sharpening your tools?
You poke your fingerevery time.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Let’s do the melon baller gag next. (18:59):
undefined
GARETH (19:03):
He wants me to ask if you know
what size eyeballsyou have?
SCALED ONE (19:06):
He what?!
GARETH (19:08):
Henry, I don’t think he knows the international eyeball sizes.
Just use the smallestscoop and
work your way up toone that fits the best.
Oh, Mr. Slaver Captain, what’sthe highest note
you can reachwhen singing?
Whatever it is, after Henryuses that press,
it will most likely be higher.
[grunting][Chompers clacking]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Stay. (19:28):
undefined
(Chompers clacking)Stay!
(Chompers one clack)Good boy.
SCALED ONE (19:34):
What in the 34 layers of hells is that?!
GARETH (19:38):
That old thing?
It’s just the possessed skull
of a temple guard who diedsometime around the
Second Great Apocalypse.
Henry named it Chompers.
You can probably guess whathe uses it for on Scaled Ones.
Like I said, you can eitherspeak with me now, or…
Henry can get his play time in,and then you’ll speak with me.
(20:01):
You have my word thatif you cooperate,
I won’t let Henrynear you.
SCALED ONE (20:06):
What do you want to know?
GARETH (20:08):
Let’s start with what you lot did with
the human child whowas aboard this ship.
SCALED ONE (20:12):
I knew we could get a heavy purse
from selling the girl, unlikethe rest of your crew.
Um…no offense to the prettyredhead who ruined my knee.
I want to keep theother one intact.
GARETH (20:24):
Focus.
Where is the girl now?
SCALED ONE (20:28):
The next shipment of slaves out of
Chimia isn’t due for anothermonth, so she’ll be at our camp.
Considering it’s our headquartersfor operations in Chimia,
you should probably just writeher off as a loss and move on.
There’s no way you’ll getout of the camp alive,
(20:49):
even if you do manage tofigure out a way inside the
most heavily defended outpostthis side of the Sacred Sands.
ELIZABETH (20:56):
And why is that?
SCALED ONE (20:58):
The camp is in a box canyon with only one way in.
It’s guarded by sentries withrifles covering the entrance,
and three of ourdirigibles are moored
to the cliff sides abovethe camp.
The sentries will shoot anyonewithout the proper password,
and the airships will decimateany airship other than ours
(21:20):
that are foolhardy enoughto fly into a blind canyon.
GARETH (21:25):
Where will they be keeping the girl?
SCALED ONE (21:28):
She’s probably being kept in the high value
cages at the rear of the camp.
Not that it will help you.
There’s no way you aregetting in there.
GARETH (21:39):
What’s the password to get into the camp?
SCALED ONE (21:42):
I don’t think so.
If I give you the password,
you will all get yourselfkilled.
I’ll starve to deathon this horrible
excuse for an airship.
GARETH (21:57):
Henry, make sure you floss Chompers when
you’re done. Last time, he had a bit ofScaled One stuck in his molars
for a week beforeany of us noticed it.
SCALED ONE (22:07):
Wait…wait! The password is,
‘Lizards rule,mammals drool.’
ELIZABETH (22:13):
You’re kidding, right?
SCALED ONE (22:15):
It’s not likely that I’m going to lie
to you knowing the punishmentis being handed over to
a psychotic Chim, andhis possessed skull
GARETH (22:26):
I think he's telling the truth.
He knows Henry wouldlet Chompers loose
on his groin if helied to us.
[chair scraping]
ELIZABETH (22:35):
Be glad Professor Mintel convinced me to be polite.
Had it been my choice,you would still be facing
‘Happy time with Henry’ withme handing him his instruments.
Instead, I’m just going to haveyou thrown off of my ship.
SCALED ONE (22:49):
Wait!!
He saidyou weren’t going to kill me
if I told you what youwanted to know!
ELIZABETH (22:55):
The Professor said nothing of the sort. He said he
wouldn’t turn you over toour cook if you did what
we asked. Sheldon,if you would please.
[stomping,chair sliding]
SCALED ONE (23:12):
Stop, please! I’ll give you anything.
I have money,
and I can get you a great dealon some lightly used slaves.
IZZY (23:20):
Wait, Sheldon!
I really don’t thinkwe want to toss
one of our chairsoff the ship.
SHELDON [left eye] (23:26):
It’s not one of ours. We picked
it up when we emptiedthe other ship’s cargo hold.
IZZY (23:30):
Oh… carry on then. [chair scraping]
SHELDON (23:37):
[right eye]
SHELDON [left eye] (23:40):
You’re on. From this high up, he’ll splatter
as soon as hehits the ground.
SCALED ONE (23:45):
No, NO! Noooo--
[splash]SCALED ONE: Huh?
TRALNIS (23:52):
We’re only five feet above a swamp,
you twat. Unlike youworthless goat molesters,
we only kill whenwe have to.
[loud swamp bubble bursts]
IZZY (24:03):
(sniffs) I recognize that smell.
GARETH (24:05):
You do?
IZZY (24:06):
Of course, any good engineer would recognize the
smell of naphtha.
That givesme an idea.
I think I know a
way to take care of theother slaver airships.
[scene change music]
GARETH (24:22):
Since we’ve been laying on this boulder
in the rain, I’m soaked tothe bone. How about you?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Yeah,I’m wetter than Elizabeth (24:32):
undefined
at a eunuch makingceremony.
GARETH (24:36):
Thanks, now I’ll be having nightmares for weeks.
I really don’t want to thinkabout Captain Morgana
getting wet thinkingabout anything.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (24:45):
Wish there were more of us going.
GARETH (24:48):
Me too. The problem is we’ll need
the full crew running theGlorious Dawn to get us
out of there when we’redone, and Tralnis will be
needed to handle whatevercasualties we incur.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Look, the patrol is back. (24:57):
undefined
GARETH (25:00):
Yep, those poor bastards patrolling seem
to have a pretty set schedule.
Too bad they don’t seem
to go very far from the onlytrail into the canyon.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (25:08):
Any idea how to take care of them?
GARETH (25:10):
Yeah, I do, and I think you’re really going to like this.
WET GUARD 1 (25:14):
No, there’s no way our Scaled One
commander will ever hearus making fun of his mother,
you said. Even if he doeshear, it’s not like he’s going
to assign us a month straightof night patrol duty, you said.
WET GUARD 2 (25:27):
Shut your trap, I think I see someone.
WET GUARD 1 (25:31):
Where? Oh, I see him now.
You talking about that guystanding by the big boulder?
WET GUARD 2 (25:36):
Yeah, it looks like he’s
waving at us toget our attention.
GARETH (25:39):
Hey boys, look what we got here!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Where the human women at? (25:42):
undefined
GARETH (25:46):
[whispers] Quick, back behind the boulder.
WET GUARD 2 (25:47):
This is going to be the most
fun we’vehad all month.
WET GUARD 1 (25:52):
Beats the hells out of counting raindrops.
Let’s go help teach thatuppity Chim a lesson!
[running in mud, crack,metal hit, double thumps]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: That was beautiful. (26:03):
undefined
GARETH (26:06):
See, I knew you’d enjoy yourself.
Their waxed cloaks evenfit us, more or less.
[walking in mud]
GATE GUARD 1 (26:14):
Sir, it looks like those two idiots who called
the boss’ mom a mammallover are back early.
HEAD GUARD (26:23):
If they’re drunk or here to ask to be
let in early again, I’m goingto ask for their sentence to
be doubled. Those…hold up,one of them looks injured, and
is leaning againstthe other for support.
(yelling) What’sgoing on down there?
GARETH (26:39):
Open the bloody gates!
My partner’s hurt.
HEAD GUARD (26:42):
You know the rules!
What’s the password?
GARETH (26:47):
Lizards rule, mammals drool.
HEAD GUARD (26:51):
Oh, buggering shit, that’s an officer’s password!
Their airship must have crashedsomewhere in the jungle.
Sorry, sir! We’ll havethat gate open at once!
What are you doing juststanding there?! Open the
damned gate before Ibury my boot in your ass!
Afterwards, join me below.[door opens]
(27:11):
Follow me to the guard shack, sir.
We’ll get you out ofthe rain, and see if we
can do anything forthat friend of yours.
[footsteps]
Sir, I’ll send one of the boys
to let the higher upsknow you’ve returned.
GARETH (27:29):
NO!
I mean,thank you for the offer,
but I want to make suremy friend’s injuries are
seen to first.
Let’s set himdown in that chair over there.
HEAD GUARD (27:37):
Let me help you, sir.
(sniffs)
Gods! You smelllike a wet Chim.
GARETH (27:46):
Funny you should say that.
GATE GUARD 1: I don’t get it. (27:48):
undefined
Did I miss thepunchline or something?
GARETH (27:53):
Talk about a straight line…
[punch, gate guard grunts,thuds to ground]]
[Henry grunts, frying pan hit, thud]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (27:59):
I don’t smell that bad when I’m wet, do I?
GARETH (28:02):
Of course not.
You don’t smell any worsethan normal, that is.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Thanks… hey, wait. (28:07):
undefined
GARETH (28:09):
Let’s tie these two up.
GATE GUARD 2 (28:12):
Sirs, do you want me to shut the gate, or…
[metal clang, thud]
GARETH (28:18):
Nice throw. I’ll get Mr. Smashy for you.
Eew, it’s covered in bloodand snot.
You don’t use this to cook with as well, do you?
Now that I think about it, I’mprobably better off not
asking questions I don’twant answered.
(28:38):
Tell youwhat, forget I said anything.
[walking]
Adding a bow like you find on a present
was a really nice touch onthose guards back there.
Like I always say, Henry, you’rea true artist.
As miserable as this rain is,at least it’s keeping most
(28:59):
of the slavers insidethe buildings.
[rain stops]
Oh, come on. Sometimes I think
Fate really enjoys makingthings more difficult for me.
It’s like I’m just here forher amusement or something.
Let’s hurry and find somecover near the slave pens
while we wait forIzzy’s distraction.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (29:19):
Do you think her crazy plan will work?
GARETH (29:22):
Of course, I think her plan will work.
I have trust in Izzy,
even if I have no idea howshe is going to pull it off.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:You’rejust saying that because you
want to make wildape love to her.
Which as aChim, I totally endorse.
No, I’m not saying that just because I fancy her.
(29:43):
Izzy is a brilliant engineer. If anyone can figure out
how to pilot two airshipsat the same time from a
single wheelhouse,she can.
[two blasts froma steam whistle]
Look, there’s the slaver dirigible towing
the GloriousDawn now.
NARRATOR (29:57):
Meanwhile, in the wheelhouse of the Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (30:02):
Let me use my mirror again to check
our heading. Turn about fourmore degrees to starboard.
PILOT (30:10):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, remind me the next time
your sister the engineertells me to trust her,
I should askmore questions.
ELIZABETH (30:17):
Sure, hiding below the wheelhouse walls
while steering another shipvia some kind of bastardized
marionette system isn’t allit’s cracked up to be, but
come on Pilot, after this,your people can refer to you as
…the pilot who flew twoairships at one time.
PILOT (30:36):
Technically, Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I am
only flying one shipat the moment.
We're being towedby the dirigible.
ELIZABETH (30:43):
Killjoy.
Just standby on the
throttle, we’re almost there.
Izzy, we’re almost in range
Pilot is making the finalcourse adjustments.
IZZY (30:55):
Got it, Elizabeth. I’m pulling the string to
start up the fireworks…now! I really hope that match I
glued to the slaver’s steamgauge stayed put. Once the
engine reaches full steam,it should cause the gauge
to strike the match. Then, it will light the fuse
we ran to their powdermagazine and the
(31:16):
barrels of naphtha that weset up on their deck.
ELIZABETH (31:18):
I hope so too, otherwise this
is going to be a reallyshort rescue mission.
Okay, Pilot, pull thestring for their throttle.
Their dirigible is going to run into the other slaver
airships at full speed.Time to disconnect us.
[grunts]
PILOT (31:39):
Captain, if you do not release the connecting
pin in the next few seconds,we will not be able to stop
in time from enteringthe blast radius.
ELIZABETH (31:45):
What do you think I’m trying to do?
The pin’s stuck. Come on,you son of a politician!
Work damn you![pin drops]
Izzy, burn some Aetherium so Pilot can stop us.
We don’t want to driftright into your surprise!
IZZY (31:59):
Hey Lizard Breath, how about you leave the
engineering stuff to me. I already have some burning;
Pilot can stop uswhenever you want.
PILOT (32:08):
Done. Sorry, captain of the Glorious Dawn, but I
did not feel I should wait foryou to give the actual order.
ELIZABETH (32:13):
I think I can overlook it this time.
Let's stand up andwatch our handiwork.
[chaotic shouts, impact of airships,fiery explosion, airships crashing]
And you were worried.
Sheldon, come on up, and start firing the
cannon into the buildingsfarthest from the slave pens.
Let’s sow as much confusionas we can. Gods know Henry
(32:35):
and the Professor can useall the help they can get.
NARRATOR (32:37):
Back on the ground in the slaver’s camp.
[cannon shot, buildingimpact, debris falling]
GARETH (32:45):
That’s our cue. Get Teesh, I’ll watch your back.
SLAVER 6 (32:50):
I’ve never been more glad to be stationed at
the slave pens. In fact, whileeveryone’s distracted, I might
just treat myself with one ofthem pretties we’ve got locked…
[grunts]
[Henry grunts andpunches, keyring rattle]
(33:10):
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:[softhoot] [louder hoot] Hey!
TEESH (33:16):
Mr. Fuzzy Bottom?!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Hey, kiddo. (33:19):
undefined
We’re busting youout of this joint.
[cage door swings open,running]
HENRY (33:29):
Oomph
TEESH (33:30):
I knew you guys would come! Gareth!
All the slavers from the barracksare running right at him!
He doesn’t stand a chance.Wait… what’s happening to him?
[slavers running]
GARETH (33:47):
That is a lot of slavers. Okay, rod,
we probably aren’t goingto get out of this, but let’s
at least try to buy Henryand Teesh time to get away.
[rod expanding]
GUARDIAN (33:57):
(in Gareth’s head): There are too many of them.
You must use the for… Sorry,wrong story. The only way to
save your friends is to fullysurrender yourself to the magic
of the Void Rod. For whatit’s worth, I’m sorry, Lord Mintel,
no one should have todo what we’re about to.
[Gareth screams in pain]
GARETH/VOID ROD (34:20):
Welcome to the last moments of your lives.
GRUNT (34:25):
Gods and their wizards, he doesn’t have
any eyes, just purpleflames where they should be!
[battle sounds]
TEESH (34:39):
Seriously, Mr. Fuzzy Bottom, you’re covering my eyes.
You know where I’m from.
Oh wow, Gareth is tearingthrough those losers.
Hit that one again, Gareth,he was extra creepy!
Oooh, that looks like thathurt, well not anymore since I’m pretty
(35:01):
sure necks aren’t supposed tobend like that, but still.
Huh, I've heard older kidsuse that phrase,
but I didn't think it wasanatomically possible.
Yeah, that is never coming out ofGareth’s clothes.
GRUNT (35:20):
(thinking) I don’t know if anyone
else is still alive. At least30 men dead as easy as
someone slaughtering chickens.That's not a man, it's a demon!
(35:43):
Shrapnel went through his arm. NO blood, just more of that
purple fire, and then thewound just healed as if he
had never beeninjured at all.
I have to find somewhere tohide before those pools
(36:04):
of purple fire look my wayagain. Maybe I can pull myself
over to that pile of debrisbefore it… oh gods, he sees me.
GARETH/VOID ROD (36:21):
Who else comes running to their death?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Gareth? (36:26):
undefined
[magic recedes]
GARETH (36:32):
Oh, hi Henry. [groan]
TEESH (36:38):
Do you think I can get Gareth to
teach me howto do that?
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 8Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
(37:01):
Allen Pettey asTralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Jenna Oliver as Teesh
Kayce Swan as Pilot
(37:23):
Laurence Sterling Knott as the Slaver Captain
Jed Gillamac as the Void Guardian
Alex Wood as the Void Smith
Tedd Garmon as the Sword Master and Head Guard
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
and O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk and Last Surviving Slaver
Featuring (37:50):
O J V A, Peter McGiffen, and Patrick Mallard as the Slavers
Venomous Duck Mediadoes not endorse
torturing prisoners for information, unless the one performing the torture
is a Chim humming the Swedish Chef song. If that’s the case, pass us the popcorn.
(38:10):
Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
[VDM Logo music]Quack-quack-hiss
NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 8 -The Jungles of Chimia - Part II
Disclaimer (00:20):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.Please use caution
(00:40):
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.If laughter persists for more
than four hours, seekimmediate medical attention.
(01:02):
[theme]
TRALNIS (01:27):
There you go, lad. Are you alright?
PILOT (01:30):
I am uncertain, short Doctor. Perhaps you can help
me determine if I amhallucinating or not.
Is purple magic crawlingall over the angry looking
professor’s black staff?[magic crackling]
[magic transportation]
GARETH (01:45):
What happened? Where am I?
The sky is black withonly a handful of stars
instead of thousands.Are the stars getting closer?
Wait…those aren’t stars, It'slight surrounding people.
People with ears likemine, dozens of them.
[Gareth chuckles,magic sound crescendos]
(02:09):
You! I’ve seen you before,well at least your statue in
a sunken temple. You're the one who I got the rod from
GUARDIAN (02:17):
Odd.
SMITH (02:19):
Of course, he looks odd, styles change over the years.
Trust me,I should know.
GARETH (02:27):
Who are you?
SMITH (02:30):
They call me the Smith, and you seem to recognize
the one wecall the Guardian.
Ah, but where are my manners?
Congratulations on mastering
the T’shun meditationtechniques, young man.
GARETH (02:47):
The what?!
Where am I?
SMITH (02:50):
Perhaps over the years, the name of the techniques I
developed have come to beknown by something different.
As for where you are,I would think that would be
fairly obvious considering youjust spent two days fasting
and meditating to get here.
GUARDIAN (03:07):
Hold, old one.
I do not believe he knowsof what you speak.
GARETH (03:14):
Exactly.
I haven’t a clue as to whatyou are going on about.
And like I said, I don’teven know where here is.
SMITH (03:21):
The Void Rod, boy! You must have meditated and
fasted in order to getyour consciousness to
enter the weapon.
GARETH (03:29):
Wait a minute!
Are you trying to tell me
we’re inside that black rod?
SMITH (03:35):
Where else would we be?
What did you think the fasting
and meditation wasfor in the first place?
GUARDIAN (03:41):
Again, I say hold. From his answers,
and obvious confusion,our new brother did not
partake in the usual ceremonyto join with the Void Rod.
SMITH (03:53):
Then how else do you explain--
GUARDIAN (03:56):
What is the last thing you remember, brother?
GARETH (03:59):
Izzy! That bastard is threatening to kill her!
I have to go backand help her!
SMITH (04:05):
Hmm, perhaps righteous anger…
GUARDIAN (04:08):
Fueled by the love for another.
SMITH (04:11):
Yes...I suppose that could work, but it would
require truly tremendousmagical powers to do that.
I’m talking about magical strengthon the level of the Mintels.
GUARDIAN (04:26):
You make a very good point, perhaps instead--
GARETH (04:31):
My name... is Gareth Mintel.
SMITH (04:34):
Well met, my lord!
It makes my old, dead heart
swell with pride to knowthat one of the Void Rods
I fashioned is being wieldedby a Mintel once again.
GUARDIAN (04:47):
My lord, this ‘Izzy’, is she your life mate?
GARETH (04:52):
[hesitant] Um…no…
GUARDIAN (04:55):
Is it your desire that she become so?
GARETH (04:58):
I…Honestly, I can’t imagine a future
without Izzy in it.I want to stand
by her side forthe rest of my life.
GUARDIAN (05:07):
So be it.
SMITH (05:09):
You know what will happen
if you go throughwith this, don’t you?
GUARDIAN (05:13):
Do not try and stop me, Smith.
I swore to protectthe Mintel family
in life and beyond. This includes their mates.
I will fulfill my oath, old one.
GARETH (05:27):
What are you two talking about?
GUARDIAN (05:29):
I’m going to give you that which
you will need to savethe next Lady Mintel.
By my own free will,I give unto thee my
strength and knowledge.May you use them to protect
those whom I no longer can. Now prepare yourself, my lord.
This will hurt.[magic crescendos]
GARETH (05:49):
[screams in pain] [magic sound stops]
What… where did he go?
What just happened?
SMITH (05:57):
All that he was now resides within you.
You have been given agreat gift, young Lord Mintel.
One that very few of our peoplehave ever been granted.
Use it well... and kick those fecesextruding orifices threatening
the future Lady Mintel straightto the lowest level of the hells!
GARETH (06:19):
Everything is starting to fade away.
Wait! Before you go,tell me, what are we?
SMITH (06:26):
[ voice receding] Those who wield a Void Rod, of course.
[magic transition][magic crackling]
GARETH (06:38):
I’m back, and that scaled
son of a politician isstill threatening Izzy!
GUARDIAN (06:45):
[internal dialogue] To save her, let the magic of the
Void Rod guide you.
GARETH (06:50):
(whisper) For Izzy.
[magic crackling intensifies]
TRALNIS (06:54):
Wait! Gareth, what are you doing?
Get down from the railing,you’ll never survive a fall to the
deck of the slaver airshipfrom this far above it.
Gareth, no!Don’t! GARETH!!!
[falling, impact on deck below]
SCALED ONE (07:10):
[internal dialogue] What the hells?
How did he survivethat drop?
His…his eyes areglowing purple, and he’s wielding
a black staff!
No, it can’t be.
Those were just legendsto scare hatchlings.
GARETH (07:32):
Gentlemen, who wants to go first?
SLAVER 1 (07:35):
I ain’t afraid of no silly glowing eyes.
I’ll gut you boy.
[swish, thump, body falls]
GARETH (07:42):
Who's next.
SCALED ONE (07:44):
Don’t just stand there you fools, kill him!
[fight sounds,pirates dying]
ELIZABETH (07:58):
I don’t know how the Professor did that jump,
but I’ll be damned if I let himfight to save Izzy alone!
Henry, tie the rope from the
harpoon gun we salvagedto the top of the wheelhouse.
[rope tying]
[internal dialogue] Okay, Liz, take careful aim and resist the
urge to shoot the Professor, heis helping to save Izzy after all.
(08:18):
[harpoon cannon fire, ropeuncoiling, wood impact]
[internal dialogue] Throw mechanical arm up
over the rope, and jump!
[zipline]
Woohoo!
[lands on deck,draws sword]
SLAVER 2 (08:30):
First, a crazed guy with glowing eyes
jumps onto the ship,and now a hideously
disfigured chick with amechanical arm drops down too.
I should have listened to Ma,and got a good job
mucking stables.
[death groan]
ELIZABETH (08:47):
Mothers usually know best.
[runs pirate through][fighting noises, pirates dying]
GARETH (08:52):
Yield, and I’ll let you live.
SCALED ONE (08:53):
I have a better offer. Kill them,
and you’ll get your pickof the next slave harvest.
SLAVER 4 (09:03):
Now that's what I like to hear.
I broke me last slave afterI tied her to the cannon and…
[swish, crack, thump][death grunt]
SCALED ONE (09:12):
[internal dialogue] It’s just like the stories from
before the SecondGreat Apocalypse.
A demon with glowing,purple eyes that can
wipe out an entire raidingparty single handedly.
SWORD MASTER (09:26):
Nice form, girl.
Could be better though.
ELIZABETH (09:29):
Oh please, if you’re so good,
then step forwardand prove it.
SWORD MASTER (09:33):
Gladly. Who knows,
you might be good enoughto make me break a sweat.
[draws sword,sword fighting]
ELIZABETH (09:42):
[internal dialogue] Well… shit.
He’s actually asgood as he says.
I recognize his style, andI won’t be able to beat him.
Time to do somethingthat would give my
old fencing instructora stroke.
Lay the trap by lowering mysword for a strong upward swing,
leaving myself completelyopen for an overhead slash.
SWORD MASTER (10:06):
Tsk-tsk, never drop your guard like that.
Too bad you won’t live tolearn from your mistake.
[exertion grunt][metal clang]
SWORD MASTER: What? How? (10:17):
undefined
ELIZABETH (10:19):
Metal hand, obviously.
SWORD MASTER: Let go of my sword, (10:21):
undefined
you bitch! You’regoing to scratch it!
ELIZABETH (10:25):
That’s what you’re worried about? Moron
SWORD MASTER: My arm! You cut off my arm! (10:29):
undefined
SLAVER 1 (10:33):
Oh gods, that’s a head!
I didn't sign up for this!
SCALED ONE (10:37):
Watch out for the railing, you fool!
[wood creak,wilhelm scream]
[sigh] Never mind.
ELIZABETH (10:46):
You’ve no crew left to stop us.
Let my sister go,or I’ll see what
our chef can dowith fresh lizard meat.
SCALED ONE (10:54):
You’ll have to cut through her first to get to me
IZZY (10:58):
(thinking) Finally! I’ve been waiting
all this time for him to pullme close to him as a shield.
Okay, now just likeCaptain Dunning taught us.
Go weak in the knees,drop my weight,
and pull him forwardto keep a hold of me.
SCALED ONE (11:12):
Wha?
IZZY (11:13):
(thinking) And stand up explosively!
(outloud) That was for Pilot!
(thinking) Follow up with a kick
through the knee todrop him to the ground.
[bone breaks, ScaledOne screaming]
That was for me…and this is for Teesh!
(thinking) End witha kick to the head.
[kick, thump]
ELIZABETH (11:32):
Nice moves, sis!
Turn around so I cancut your ropes.
IZZY (11:36):
Thanks!
Gareth,why are your eyes glowing?
Oh good, they’re goingback to normal now.
I love your eyes.
Now I just need to decidewho to hug first, you or Liz.
GARETH (11:48):
Huh…what? I… oh gods,
those men…what did I…[running, vomiting]
ELIZABETH (12:00):
Well, I guess that
makes your decisioneasier. Come here sis.
[scene change music][love theme starts]
IZZY (12:11):
Gareth, I’ve been looking for you all over the
Glorious Dawn. I should haveknown you would be
here sitting next to our cannon.Perhaps, we should just
hang a plaque that reads‘Gareth’s Brooding Spot.’
GARETH (12:24):
Looking for me? How can you even stand
to be near me after you sawwhat I did to those slavers?
[slap]GARETH: Owe! What was that for?!
IZZY (12:32):
Now that I have your undivided attention,
I’ll answer your questionwith one of my own.
Why wouldn’t I want tospend time with you.
You jumped off one airshipand onto another
that was full of slaversto save my life
No, don’t turn away, look at me, please.
When we find Teesh, and thereare more of those bastards
(12:55):
between her and us, willyou let them hurt her
or will you destroy themlike you did earlier?
Keep in mind thatthose assholes are only
going to give youthese two options.
GARETH (13:08):
I’ll kill every damn one of them with my bare hands
if it means keepingyou two safe.
That’s what is botheringme so much.
I feel horribleabout what I did,
but I know I would doit again without hesitation.
IZZY (13:21):
And that Professor,
is one of the manyreasons why I fancy you.
That, and youradorable rear end.
GARETH (13:30):
Really?
IZZY (13:32):
(chuckles) Quit turning around like that
trying to seeyour own butt.
You’re going to make yourself dizzy.
GARETH (13:38):
True. For the record,
I’m quite fond ofyour derriere as well.
IZZY (13:43):
Is that so?
GARETH (13:45):
Yes, ma'am.
[romantic music stopswith a record screech]
TRALNIS (13:48):
Mythical gods above and below, I have terrible timing!
IZZY (13:53):
Yes… yes you do!
TRALNIS (13:55):
Sorry you two, but the captain
wants to see us in herready room to come
up with a plan before weinterrogate our prisoner.
IZZY (14:03):
Raincheck?
GARETH (14:04):
Most definitely, my lady.
TRALNIS (14:06):
Come on you two lovebirds.
Gareth?
We need to hurry.
I don’t want Captain Scaryto be mad at me.
GARETH (14:15):
Tralnis, head back, and tell Elizabeth
to meet us inthe galley instead.
I have an idea, but we’ll needHenry’s help to pull it off.
TRALNIS (14:22):
I know that gleam in your eyes, lad.
This is going to be good.
I’ll meet you twoin the galley.
IZZY (14:29):
What are we waiting for?
I can’t wait to hearwhat you came up with.
[footsteps down stairs]
ELIZABETH (14:36):
This better be good, Professor!
GARETH (14:38):
Henry, how would you
and Chompers like to helpinterrogate the Scaled One?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, excellent! (14:42):
undefined
GARETH (14:46):
Good.
Grab Chompers,that meat turning fork, those
melon ballers, a corkscrew,and…that press thing over there.
What isthat for anyway?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: It’s called a garlic press. (14:57):
undefined
GARETH (15:01):
Garlic press?
Huh, learn somethingnew every day.
Tralnis, we'll also need yourspare medical bag.
TRALNIS (15:07):
Done.
GARETH (15:08):
Next we need to move the galley table into
the cargo hold, andfigure out how to make
and then rig up somerestraints to attach to it.
IZZY (15:17):
No need.
I have a setof restraints in my cabin.
GARETH (15:20):
You do? Why?
IZZY:They’re for…um… reasons.
Play your cards right, Professor,and you’ll find out those reasons.
[scene change music]
SCALED ONE (15:37):
Why am I in this pathetic
cargo hold?Untie me, Dwarf!
TRALNIS (15:43):
[muttering] Why the hells did I bother patching this
poor sod up just for themto undo all my hard work?
[door opens]
SCALED ONE:(thinking)Shit!
It’s the purple demon,
the mechanical devil,and the red-haired warrior.
What the hells are theyplanning on doing to me?
(16:03):
They even brought a Chim witha doctor’s bag who looks
like the Winter SolsticeHoliday came early.
Captain, I must formally object to what you
are planning. As the ship'ssurgeon, this man is now my
patient, and I am bound by myoath as a healer to do no harm.
ELIZABETH (16:24):
You are dismissed for the next hour or so, Doctor.
After that, depending on whatthe prisoner is willing
to tell us, we mayhave need of you again.
That is of courseif he lives.
TRALNIS (16:36):
Right… sorry mate,
she scares the living hellsout of me.
You’re on your own.
[footsteps receding,Tralnis snickers]
ELIZABETH (16:44):
Henry, please check and
make sure the restraintswon’t get too tight.
What happened lasttime was… distasteful.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:52):
You should have used the safe word then.
GARETH (16:56):
Captain, I’m going to pull up a chair
and chat with our newfriend while he does that.
[chair scraping]
Hello, my name is Professor Mintel.
SCALED ONE (17:05):
What do you want, you hairless Chim?!
GARETH (17:09):
What I want is to give you two options.
The first is to cooperate andtell me what I want to know.
The second is for you to notcooperate, and force me
to let my friend over thereplay with you for a while.
If you choosethe second option,
you will be begging totell us everything
you know in orderto make him stop.
SCALED ONE (17:29):
Is that it? Am I supposed
to be scared ofa hairless Chim
threatening to turn me overto his hairy cousin?
Let me go now,and I’ll make sure you're
all sold somewhere otherthan an Aetherium mine.
GARETH (17:47):
To be fair, and help you make an informed decision,
I should probably tell you alittle bit about my friend.
Henry is a free Chimborn on IRD soil.
His parents, however,were a different story.
They were both formerslaves who managed to escape
from the laborcamps near Skirth.
They died early in Henry’slife from the abuse
(18:08):
they received at thehands of your kind,
but not before telling himevery single horror story
of their timeas slaves.
Those stories led Henryto acquire a hobby
that would be seenas odd at best,
and revolting at worst,in polite society.
SCALED ONE (18:23):
What… he picks lice off of non-Chims?
GARETH (18:28):
Nothing like that, I’m afraid.
You see, Henry likesto torture Scaled Ones.
I know as his friend Ishould try to discourage him,
but there’s a sick sort of beautywatching an artist like him work.
I mean, just look at the lovingway he lays outs his tools.
[Henry hums SwedishChef song to himself]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Ouch! (18:50):
undefined
GARETH (18:51):
Henry, when are you going to learn to
trust yourself when it comesto sharpening your tools?
You poke your fingerevery time.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Let’s do the melon baller gag next. (18:59):
undefined
GARETH (19:03):
He wants me to ask if you know
what size eyeballsyou have?
SCALED ONE (19:06):
He what?!
GARETH (19:08):
Henry, I don’t think he knows the international eyeball sizes.
Just use the smallestscoop and
work your way up toone that fits the best.
Oh, Mr. Slaver Captain, what’sthe highest note
you can reachwhen singing?
Whatever it is, after Henryuses that press,
it will most likely be higher.
[grunting][Chompers clacking]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Stay. (19:28):
undefined
(Chompers clacking)Stay!
(Chompers one clack)Good boy.
SCALED ONE (19:34):
What in the 34 layers of hells is that?!
GARETH (19:38):
That old thing?
It’s just the possessed skull
of a temple guard who diedsometime around the
Second Great Apocalypse.
Henry named it Chompers.
You can probably guess whathe uses it for on Scaled Ones.
Like I said, you can eitherspeak with me now, or…
Henry can get his play time in,and then you’ll speak with me.
(20:01):
You have my word thatif you cooperate,
I won’t let Henrynear you.
SCALED ONE (20:06):
What do you want to know?
GARETH (20:08):
Let’s start with what you lot did with
the human child whowas aboard this ship.
SCALED ONE (20:12):
I knew we could get a heavy purse
from selling the girl, unlikethe rest of your crew.
Um…no offense to the prettyredhead who ruined my knee.
I want to keep theother one intact.
GARETH (20:24):
Focus.
Where is the girl now?
SCALED ONE (20:28):
The next shipment of slaves out of
Chimia isn’t due for anothermonth, so she’ll be at our camp.
Considering it’s our headquartersfor operations in Chimia,
you should probably just writeher off as a loss and move on.
There’s no way you’ll getout of the camp alive,
(20:49):
even if you do manage tofigure out a way inside the
most heavily defended outpostthis side of the Sacred Sands.
ELIZABETH (20:56):
And why is that?
SCALED ONE (20:58):
The camp is in a box canyon with only one way in.
It’s guarded by sentries withrifles covering the entrance,
and three of ourdirigibles are moored
to the cliff sides abovethe camp.
The sentries will shoot anyonewithout the proper password,
and the airships will decimateany airship other than ours
(21:20):
that are foolhardy enoughto fly into a blind canyon.
GARETH (21:25):
Where will they be keeping the girl?
SCALED ONE (21:28):
She’s probably being kept in the high value
cages at the rear of the camp.
Not that it will help you.
There’s no way you aregetting in there.
GARETH (21:39):
What’s the password to get into the camp?
SCALED ONE (21:42):
I don’t think so.
If I give you the password,
you will all get yourselfkilled.
I’ll starve to deathon this horrible
excuse for an airship.
GARETH (21:57):
Henry, make sure you floss Chompers when
you’re done. Last time, he had a bit ofScaled One stuck in his molars
for a week beforeany of us noticed it.
SCALED ONE (22:07):
Wait…wait! The password is,
‘Lizards rule,mammals drool.’
ELIZABETH (22:13):
You’re kidding, right?
SCALED ONE (22:15):
It’s not likely that I’m going to lie
to you knowing the punishmentis being handed over to
a psychotic Chim, andhis possessed skull
GARETH (22:26):
I think he's telling the truth.
He knows Henry wouldlet Chompers loose
on his groin if helied to us.
[chair scraping]
ELIZABETH (22:35):
Be glad Professor Mintel convinced me to be polite.
Had it been my choice,you would still be facing
‘Happy time with Henry’ withme handing him his instruments.
Instead, I’m just going to haveyou thrown off of my ship.
SCALED ONE (22:49):
Wait!!
He saidyou weren’t going to kill me
if I told you what youwanted to know!
ELIZABETH (22:55):
The Professor said nothing of the sort. He said he
wouldn’t turn you over toour cook if you did what
we asked. Sheldon,if you would please.
[stomping,chair sliding]
SCALED ONE (23:12):
Stop, please! I’ll give you anything.
I have money,
and I can get you a great dealon some lightly used slaves.
IZZY (23:20):
Wait, Sheldon!
I really don’t thinkwe want to toss
one of our chairsoff the ship.
SHELDON [left eye] (23:26):
It’s not one of ours. We picked
it up when we emptiedthe other ship’s cargo hold.
IZZY (23:30):
Oh… carry on then. [chair scraping]
SHELDON (23:37):
[right eye]
SHELDON [left eye] (23:40):
You’re on. From this high up, he’ll splatter
as soon as hehits the ground.
SCALED ONE (23:45):
No, NO! Noooo--
[splash]SCALED ONE: Huh?
TRALNIS (23:52):
We’re only five feet above a swamp,
you twat. Unlike youworthless goat molesters,
we only kill whenwe have to.
[loud swamp bubble bursts]
IZZY (24:03):
(sniffs) I recognize that smell.
GARETH (24:05):
You do?
IZZY (24:06):
Of course, any good engineer would recognize the
smell of naphtha.
That givesme an idea.
I think I know a
way to take care of theother slaver airships.
[scene change music]
GARETH (24:22):
Since we’ve been laying on this boulder
in the rain, I’m soaked tothe bone. How about you?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Yeah,I’m wetter than Elizabeth (24:32):
undefined
at a eunuch makingceremony.
GARETH (24:36):
Thanks, now I’ll be having nightmares for weeks.
I really don’t want to thinkabout Captain Morgana
getting wet thinkingabout anything.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (24:45):
Wish there were more of us going.
GARETH (24:48):
Me too. The problem is we’ll need
the full crew running theGlorious Dawn to get us
out of there when we’redone, and Tralnis will be
needed to handle whatevercasualties we incur.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Look, the patrol is back. (24:57):
undefined
GARETH (25:00):
Yep, those poor bastards patrolling seem
to have a pretty set schedule.
Too bad they don’t seem
to go very far from the onlytrail into the canyon.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (25:08):
Any idea how to take care of them?
GARETH (25:10):
Yeah, I do, and I think you’re really going to like this.
WET GUARD 1 (25:14):
No, there’s no way our Scaled One
commander will ever hearus making fun of his mother,
you said. Even if he doeshear, it’s not like he’s going
to assign us a month straightof night patrol duty, you said.
WET GUARD 2 (25:27):
Shut your trap, I think I see someone.
WET GUARD 1 (25:31):
Where? Oh, I see him now.
You talking about that guystanding by the big boulder?
WET GUARD 2 (25:36):
Yeah, it looks like he’s
waving at us toget our attention.
GARETH (25:39):
Hey boys, look what we got here!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Where the human women at? (25:42):
undefined
GARETH (25:46):
[whispers] Quick, back behind the boulder.
WET GUARD 2 (25:47):
This is going to be the most
fun we’vehad all month.
WET GUARD 1 (25:52):
Beats the hells out of counting raindrops.
Let’s go help teach thatuppity Chim a lesson!
[running in mud, crack,metal hit, double thumps]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: That was beautiful. (26:03):
undefined
GARETH (26:06):
See, I knew you’d enjoy yourself.
Their waxed cloaks evenfit us, more or less.
[walking in mud]
GATE GUARD 1 (26:14):
Sir, it looks like those two idiots who called
the boss’ mom a mammallover are back early.
HEAD GUARD (26:23):
If they’re drunk or here to ask to be
let in early again, I’m goingto ask for their sentence to
be doubled. Those…hold up,one of them looks injured, and
is leaning againstthe other for support.
(yelling) What’sgoing on down there?
GARETH (26:39):
Open the bloody gates!
My partner’s hurt.
HEAD GUARD (26:42):
You know the rules!
What’s the password?
GARETH (26:47):
Lizards rule, mammals drool.
HEAD GUARD (26:51):
Oh, buggering shit, that’s an officer’s password!
Their airship must have crashedsomewhere in the jungle.
Sorry, sir! We’ll havethat gate open at once!
What are you doing juststanding there?! Open the
damned gate before Ibury my boot in your ass!
Afterwards, join me below.[door opens]
(27:11):
Follow me to the guard shack, sir.
We’ll get you out ofthe rain, and see if we
can do anything forthat friend of yours.
[footsteps]
Sir, I’ll send one of the boys
to let the higher upsknow you’ve returned.
GARETH (27:29):
NO!
I mean,thank you for the offer,
but I want to make suremy friend’s injuries are
seen to first.
Let’s set himdown in that chair over there.
HEAD GUARD (27:37):
Let me help you, sir.
(sniffs)
Gods! You smelllike a wet Chim.
GARETH (27:46):
Funny you should say that.
GATE GUARD 1: I don’t get it. (27:48):
undefined
Did I miss thepunchline or something?
GARETH (27:53):
Talk about a straight line…
[punch, gate guard grunts,thuds to ground]]
[Henry grunts, frying pan hit, thud]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (27:59):
I don’t smell that bad when I’m wet, do I?
GARETH (28:02):
Of course not.
You don’t smell any worsethan normal, that is.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Thanks… hey, wait. (28:07):
undefined
GARETH (28:09):
Let’s tie these two up.
GATE GUARD 2 (28:12):
Sirs, do you want me to shut the gate, or…
[metal clang, thud]
GARETH (28:18):
Nice throw. I’ll get Mr. Smashy for you.
Eew, it’s covered in bloodand snot.
You don’t use this to cook with as well, do you?
Now that I think about it, I’mprobably better off not
asking questions I don’twant answered.
(28:38):
Tell youwhat, forget I said anything.
[walking]
Adding a bow like you find on a present
was a really nice touch onthose guards back there.
Like I always say, Henry, you’rea true artist.
As miserable as this rain is,at least it’s keeping most
(28:59):
of the slavers insidethe buildings.
[rain stops]
Oh, come on. Sometimes I think
Fate really enjoys makingthings more difficult for me.
It’s like I’m just here forher amusement or something.
Let’s hurry and find somecover near the slave pens
while we wait forIzzy’s distraction.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (29:19):
Do you think her crazy plan will work?
GARETH (29:22):
Of course, I think her plan will work.
I have trust in Izzy,
even if I have no idea howshe is going to pull it off.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:You’rejust saying that because you
want to make wildape love to her.
Which as aChim, I totally endorse.
No, I’m not saying that just because I fancy her.
(29:43):
Izzy is a brilliant engineer. If anyone can figure out
how to pilot two airshipsat the same time from a
single wheelhouse,she can.
[two blasts froma steam whistle]
Look, there’s the slaver dirigible towing
the GloriousDawn now.
NARRATOR (29:57):
Meanwhile, in the wheelhouse of the Glorious Dawn.
ELIZABETH (30:02):
Let me use my mirror again to check
our heading. Turn about fourmore degrees to starboard.
PILOT (30:10):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, remind me the next time
your sister the engineertells me to trust her,
I should askmore questions.
ELIZABETH (30:17):
Sure, hiding below the wheelhouse walls
while steering another shipvia some kind of bastardized
marionette system isn’t allit’s cracked up to be, but
come on Pilot, after this,your people can refer to you as
…the pilot who flew twoairships at one time.
PILOT (30:36):
Technically, Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I am
only flying one shipat the moment.
We're being towedby the dirigible.
ELIZABETH (30:43):
Killjoy.
Just standby on the
throttle, we’re almost there.
Izzy, we’re almost in range
Pilot is making the finalcourse adjustments.
IZZY (30:55):
Got it, Elizabeth. I’m pulling the string to
start up the fireworks…now! I really hope that match I
glued to the slaver’s steamgauge stayed put. Once the
engine reaches full steam,it should cause the gauge
to strike the match. Then, it will light the fuse
we ran to their powdermagazine and the
(31:16):
barrels of naphtha that weset up on their deck.
ELIZABETH (31:18):
I hope so too, otherwise this
is going to be a reallyshort rescue mission.
Okay, Pilot, pull thestring for their throttle.
Their dirigible is going to run into the other slaver
airships at full speed.Time to disconnect us.
[grunts]
PILOT (31:39):
Captain, if you do not release the connecting
pin in the next few seconds,we will not be able to stop
in time from enteringthe blast radius.
ELIZABETH (31:45):
What do you think I’m trying to do?
The pin’s stuck. Come on,you son of a politician!
Work damn you![pin drops]
Izzy, burn some Aetherium so Pilot can stop us.
We don’t want to driftright into your surprise!
IZZY (31:59):
Hey Lizard Breath, how about you leave the
engineering stuff to me. I already have some burning;
Pilot can stop uswhenever you want.
PILOT (32:08):
Done. Sorry, captain of the Glorious Dawn, but I
did not feel I should wait foryou to give the actual order.
ELIZABETH (32:13):
I think I can overlook it this time.
Let's stand up andwatch our handiwork.
[chaotic shouts, impact of airships,fiery explosion, airships crashing]
And you were worried.
Sheldon, come on up, and start firing the
cannon into the buildingsfarthest from the slave pens.
Let’s sow as much confusionas we can. Gods know Henry
(32:35):
and the Professor can useall the help they can get.
NARRATOR (32:37):
Back on the ground in the slaver’s camp.
[cannon shot, buildingimpact, debris falling]
GARETH (32:45):
That’s our cue. Get Teesh, I’ll watch your back.
SLAVER 6 (32:50):
I’ve never been more glad to be stationed at
the slave pens. In fact, whileeveryone’s distracted, I might
just treat myself with one ofthem pretties we’ve got locked…
[grunts]
[Henry grunts andpunches, keyring rattle]
(33:10):
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:[softhoot] [louder hoot] Hey!
TEESH (33:16):
Mr. Fuzzy Bottom?!
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Hey, kiddo. (33:19):
undefined
We’re busting youout of this joint.
[cage door swings open,running]
HENRY (33:29):
Oomph
TEESH (33:30):
I knew you guys would come! Gareth!
All the slavers from the barracksare running right at him!
He doesn’t stand a chance.Wait… what’s happening to him?
[slavers running]
GARETH (33:47):
That is a lot of slavers. Okay, rod,
we probably aren’t goingto get out of this, but let’s
at least try to buy Henryand Teesh time to get away.
[rod expanding]
GUARDIAN (33:57):
(in Gareth’s head): There are too many of them.
You must use the for… Sorry,wrong story. The only way to
save your friends is to fullysurrender yourself to the magic
of the Void Rod. For whatit’s worth, I’m sorry, Lord Mintel,
no one should have todo what we’re about to.
[Gareth screams in pain]
GARETH/VOID ROD (34:20):
Welcome to the last moments of your lives.
GRUNT (34:25):
Gods and their wizards, he doesn’t have
any eyes, just purpleflames where they should be!
[battle sounds]
TEESH (34:39):
Seriously, Mr. Fuzzy Bottom, you’re covering my eyes.
You know where I’m from.
Oh wow, Gareth is tearingthrough those losers.
Hit that one again, Gareth,he was extra creepy!
Oooh, that looks like thathurt, well not anymore since I’m pretty
(35:01):
sure necks aren’t supposed tobend like that, but still.
Huh, I've heard older kidsuse that phrase,
but I didn't think it wasanatomically possible.
Yeah, that is never coming out ofGareth’s clothes.
GRUNT (35:20):
(thinking) I don’t know if anyone
else is still alive. At least30 men dead as easy as
someone slaughtering chickens.That's not a man, it's a demon!
(35:43):
Shrapnel went through his arm. NO blood, just more of that
purple fire, and then thewound just healed as if he
had never beeninjured at all.
I have to find somewhere tohide before those pools
(36:04):
of purple fire look my wayagain. Maybe I can pull myself
over to that pile of debrisbefore it… oh gods, he sees me.
GARETH/VOID ROD (36:21):
Who else comes running to their death?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Gareth? (36:26):
undefined
[magic recedes]
GARETH (36:32):
Oh, hi Henry. [groan]
TEESH (36:38):
Do you think I can get Gareth to
teach me howto do that?
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 8Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
(37:01):
Allen Pettey asTralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Jenna Oliver as Teesh
Kayce Swan as Pilot
(37:23):
Laurence Sterling Knott as the Slaver Captain
Jed Gillamac as the Void Guardian
Alex Wood as the Void Smith
Tedd Garmon as the Sword Master and Head Guard
Daniel Fore as Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
and O J V A as Sheldon’s Right Eyestalk and Last Surviving Slaver
Featuring (37:50):
O J V A, Peter McGiffen, and Patrick Mallard as the Slavers
Venomous Duck Mediadoes not endorse
torturing prisoners for information, unless the one performing the torture
is a Chim humming the Swedish Chef song. If that’s the case, pass us the popcorn.
(38:10):
Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
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