Episode 9 - Mount Nexus

Gareth and Izzy share a romantic meal after he recovers from a bad case of flaming eye sockets. Afterwards, they are joined by Elizabeth and Tralnis on their overland journey to Mount Nexus.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
[VDM Logo music]Quack-quack hiss

NARRATOR (00:07):
Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.
Episode 9 -Mount Nexus

Disclaimer (00:19):
This audio drama should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussionsof sexual hijinks,
drinking, consumingquestionable potions,
brief moments of violence,crude language,
and even cruder humor.
Please use caution

(00:39):
when listening in public, as thisstory may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liablefor any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening,or the strange looks you might
get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more
than four hours, seekimmediate medical attention.

(01:01):
[Theme]

TRALNIS (01:27):
Come on, Gareth, wake up, lad, please.
The last place a parentwants to see their
child is in a sickbay,and you've been here
over a week in a coma.
At least you managed totranslate that third tablet
before you went off and played the hero.
When you wake up, and I REFUSE to believe that you won’t,

(01:48):
you’re gonna find we’re wellon our way to finding the next one.
[Gareth moans]
That’s it, son, come back to us.

GARETH (01:57):
Oh Gods, my mouth tastes horrible.
Did I go and get far toodrunk for my own good again?

TRALNIS (02:04):
No lad, what you’re probably tasting
was my last attempt at usingan elixir to get you to wake up.
That was two days ago.What’s the last thing you remember?

GARETH (02:15):
Henry and I were in the slaver camp, and then… oh gods!

TRALNIS (02:19):
Bucket’s by the side of the bed.
[Gareth vomits]
Here’s some water to rinse your mouth with.
[pouring water into a mug][rinse and spit]

GARETH (02:30):
Thanks

TRALNIS (02:32):
From your reaction, I’ll assume that you remember
the fight at the slaver camp.Now before you start berating
yourself for what happened back there, I would like to point out
the men you killed were trying to sellyoung Teesh into a children’s brothel.
As you well know, we Dwarves havea soft spot for orphans.
Personally, I think you let thosearseholes off easy.

GARETH (02:55):
Thanks for helping put things in the right perspective.
Wait… you said you gave me the elixir two days ago.
How long have I been out?

TRALNIS (03:04):
Eight days, and let me tell you
that you had me completely stumped as to the cause.
In medical school, we were taught about the healing comas
Wizards can slip into when they use upevery last bit of their personal magic.
You had all of the symptomsof being magically exhausted,
but we both know you haven’t eventhe smallest spark of magic in you.

(03:27):
You can’t exhaust somethingthat you never had to begin with.

GARETH (03:31):
Um...that's because I do have magic.

TRALNIS (03:36):
Come again?

GARETH (03:37):
Like I said, I do have magic.
I can feel it replenishing as we speak.

TRALNIS (03:42):
I checked you with the magic sensing crystal several times a day
while you were unconscious.Just like when you were growing up,
the crystal stayed clear showingthat you have no magical
energies - nothing, nada, zip.On the other hand,
you having magicwould explain the coma,
and the wholeflaming eyes thing.

GARETH (04:02):
The what?!

TRALNIS (04:04):
Um…I think I’ll let Henry explain that one to you.
I think I’ll let Henry explain that oneto you.
[door opens]

TEESH (04:10):
Any change in Gareth?

TRALNIS (04:12):
Why don’t you ask him yourself?

TEESH (04:14):
Gareth!
[running, kick]

GARETH (04:18):
Ouch! What was that for?

TEESH (04:20):
Oh, you scared the hells out of me!

GARETH (04:23):
I’m sorry you had to see what I did...

TEESH (04:25):
[snorts] Not that dummy!
The stuff with the staff was awesome!
You scared me when you wouldn’t wake up.
Izzy even tried to kiss you to get you to wake up.
You know, like in the old stories where
the princess finds theprince in a magical sleep.

TRALNIS (04:43):
Lass, I think we should give Gareth
a chance to freshen up and take care of some things.
He hasn’t used the looin over a week.

GARETH (04:50):
Now that you mention it.
[running to loo, doorthrown open, door closed]

TRALNIS (04:57):
Teesh, I can think of two other people
who would really like to knowGareth is feeling better.

TEESH (05:03):
You’re right! Izzy and Mr. Fuzzy Bottom need to know.
[light running footsteps, flushing,door opens, footsteps]

TRALNIS (05:13):
Well, Gareth, considering you just came out of a coma,
you’re remarkably healthy. I don’tsee any reason why
you should have to stayin the sickbay.
However, at the first signof you being light headed,
or purple flames spewingout of your eye sockets,
I want you back in here.Like I said earlier,
you’ll have to talk with Henry about that. He was there, and saw it firsthand.

(05:37):
[scene change music]

GARETH (05:43):
Izzy wasn’t joking. She went and put up a plaque that reads,
‘Gareth’s brooding spot.’ She evenattached a bench to the railing.

IZZY (05:51):
I figured if you were going to keep coming up here,
you might as well havethe spot reserved.

GARETH (05:57):
I know this is going to sound corny, but honestly seeing you
framed by the twin moons is themost beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

IZZY (06:06):
Come on, you haven’t eaten in over a week,
and must be starving. Henryprepared a late dinner for us.
[walking]

GARETH (06:15):
Did you guys remodel the Glorious Dawn
while I was in a coma? I thoughtthe galley was below deck.
[walking]

IZZY (06:21):
(giggles) I figured we were due some privacy,
and had Henry help me set upa small table on deck.
Tralnis assured me that barringa Third Great Apocalypse,
he won’t bother us.

GARETH (06:35):
The table looks great. Here, let me pull out a chair for you.
[chair scraping on wood]

IZZY (06:43):
Why thank you, Professor.

GARETH (06:45):
My pleasure, my lady.
[chair scraping on wood,][footsteps]

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (06:50):
Can I interest you in a jug of my finest?

GARETH (06:54):
Why yes, we would both like a glass of the house beverage.
[pouring x2, footsteps recede]

IZZY (07:02):
What is this?

GARETH (07:04):
One of Henry’s specialties - sour fruit juice mixed with just a bit of sugar.
It’s my favorite drink outside of tea.
[sip]IZZY: That’s really good!
What do you two call it?
Fruity Chim Piss,
[Izzy spit take]
but I’m sure we’llcome up with a better name someday.

IZZY (07:23):
(laughing)I’ll get you back for that, don’t you worry.
[footsteps]

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:30):
Your dinners, sir and madam.

GARETH (07:33):
You two really went all out.
Henry even made my favorite dish, fresh fish served over baked tubers.
[music rises and lowers][Henry putting down two bowls]

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:44):
Just the thing for extended tongue wrestling.

GARETH (07:48):
Go on, get.
[footsteps receding]

IZZY (07:51):
Considering Henry just gave us both shaved mint over ice,
the perfect thing tofreshen our breath,
I’m pretty sure you don’t needto translate that last bit for me.
[dinner music ends][chairs scraping, footsteps]
[love theme begins]
I’ve always loved standing on the deck of an airship at night.
It’s like I’m floatingamong the stars.

(08:14):
Gareth, what do you plan on doingafter we find this lost island of yours?
I know you want to prove theUniversity was wrong about you,
but what about after that? Do you planon teaching at some other university?

GARETH (08:29):
I really haven’t thought about it. I do enjoy teaching,
but I’m learning there’sso much more
out here to experience than what I can find in a classroom.
Why do you ask?

IZZY (08:40):
I’ve been thinking.
It'd be really useful to have a linguistof your talents on board full time.
Negotiating with speciesin their own language
would give us a leg upon our competition.
Besides, if you stay, there’s a much better chance
we’ll get to keep ournew doctor and unbelievable chef.

(09:02):
Seriously, I’m afraid if Henry leaves, Pilot and Sheldon will go with him
just so they don’t have to go without his cooking.

GARETH (09:10):
Are those the only reasons?

IZZY (09:13):
Like I said before, Gareth, I fancy you.
Truth is, I find myself spendingall my free time thinking about you.
When it comes to ourrelationship, I want to
plot a course that will neverend, steam full speed ahead
and boldly go whereno one has gone before!

GARETH (09:35):
I can get behind a journey like that.
So, was that why you triedthe Sleeping Handsome trick?

IZZY (09:41):
Oh gods, Teesh told you.
That little…little....little....

GARETH (09:49):
Sister?

IZZY (09:50):
Yeah, little sister.
Lizard Breath is goingto have a field day with this..
Oh, just so you know, itcame down to either me or Henry,
and I won the coin toss.

GARETH (10:04):
Thank the universe! I really hate getting hair in my mouth.

IZZY (10:08):
(giggles) Back to our earlier conversation.
I don’t think a handshake will be enough to seal this partnership.
Any sign of Tralnis?

GARETH (10:20):
Hold on, yeah, I don’t see the good doctor anywhere.

IZZY (10:25):
Good.
[first kiss]
Wow! That’s a lot better when you’re conscious.
That sounded a lotbetter in my head.

GARETH (10:36):
As a researcher, I think we should try
several more times tovalidate your theory.

IZZY (10:40):
No argument from me, Professor.
[love theme crescendo]

ELIZABETH (10:52):
Oh hells, no! Not on my airship.

TRALNIS (10:56):
And where do you think you’re going, Captain?
Leave them be,they’re both adults.

ELIZABETH (11:02):
She might be an adult, but she’s still my little sister.
Long distance relationshipsnever work. Trust me, I know.
My relationship with Racheal was full of passion,
but we still endedup drifting apart.

TRALNIS (11:18):
Sounds like you might just be projecting there a wee bit.
And aye, she is your sister, but Gareth is my son.
Over the years he also became the best friend a Dwarf could ever ask for.
I know Gareth better thanhe knows himself.
I’ve never seen him lookat anybody like he looks at Izzy.
You saw what he did whenhe thought her life was in danger.

ELIZABETH (11:40):
What’s your point, Doctor?

TRALNIS (11:42):
My point is, I think you should let this play out.
You know, if they eventually end up getting married,
that would make you and I family.

ELIZABETH (11:52):
Oh gods! I need a drink.
[scene change music]

TEESH (12:00):
This is dumb, why don’t we just fly to Mt. Nexus?
Why are we stopping here?

IZZY (12:08):
Magic runs across the surface of Hadronus along what we call Leylines.
It’s that magic which lets the GloriousDawn fly.
Mt. Nexus sits right on top of where six different Leylines intersect.
There’s so much magic givenoff there, our magic batteries
would explode, taking thewhole ship with them.

TRALNIS (12:29):
Oddly enough, the same thing happens
to a Wizard’s head if they get within 50 miles of the mountain.
I’ve seen some photographs taken of a Wizard who thought that wrapping
his head in very thin sheets of tin would block out the magic.
Obviously, it didn’t work, andthe results were not pretty.

TEESH (12:48):
What about Gareth?

TRALNIS (12:49):
We don’t think it will affect him since his magic seems
to be something very differentfrom the normal kind.
Besides, he promised me thatat the first sensation
of his brains trying to squirtout his nose, we’ll turn back.

GARETH (13:03):
[loud sneeze] Oh gods! It’s happening already!

TEESH (13:09):
Gareth?!

GARETH (13:11):
Just kidding.
[Teesh stomps on Gareth’s foot]
Ouch!

TEESH (13:14):
Jerk!
[Glorious Dawn landing]

PILOT (13:19):
The magic from what my people call the Mountain
of Change affects more than just wizards or Leyships.
Every so often, storms rolloff the mountain
that change the very fabricof reality in their path.
Farms and villagescan simply disappear,
to be replaced by strangeforests in a blink of the eye.
It is why my people do not use permanent names for things.
Nothing is permanent in the shadow of the Mountain of Change.

(13:41):
Captain of the Glorious Dawn, I request permission to take
shore leave while you visit theMountain of Change.
I promised both of myfathers and my mother
I would visit the next time I was in town.

ELIZABETH (13:50):
Of course, Pilot. I’m sure Henry, Sheldon, and Teesh
can manage to keep the ship from burning down while we’re gone.

TEESH (13:56):
What?! Why do I have to stay on the ship?
Why can’t I go with you guys?
You all know what happened thelast time I was left behind!

GARETH (14:06):
Teesh, I’d feel much better knowing you were safe here.
Both of the sites we’ve been to so farhave had psychotic skeletons,
and the last one even had deadly traps as well.

ELIZABETH (14:17):
Don’t forget about the giant spiders,
one should never forgetabout the giant, hairy spiders.

GARETH (14:27):
Thanks, Captain.
Teesh, you don’t have to worryabout pirates in Chaos City.
The Roehus authorities like themabout as much as we do.
Plus, you’ll have Mr. FuzzyBottom here to protect you.

IZZY (14:40):
You’re never going to let Henry live that down, are you?

GARETH (14:44):
Nope.

IZZY (14:46):
Teesh, I happen to have it on very good authority that a certain chef has offered
to teach you how to make those cookies you love so much.

TEESH (14:55):
Why didn’t you say that in the beginning?
[running footsteps receding]

IZZY (15:00):
Gareth, you may speak more languages than anyone I know
but I still know howto speak ‘pre-teen girl.’
Let’s head into town and find a steam carriage to rent.
[footsteps receding]
[Henry clears throat]

TEESH (15:16):
Hello Mr. Fuzzy Bottom.
Imagine seeing you here in my totally wellthought out hiding spot.

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:26):
You know you’re not supposed to be here.

TEESH (15:30):
Yeah, well, it’s not like you’re supposed to be here at this moment either,
and besides, it’s not likethey would be surprised
to find that I stowed awayon the steam carriage.
It’s kinda my thing. I’m justworried about Gareth.
Who will look after him ifneither one of us is with him?
For all we know, he could encounter some sort of vicious,

(15:53):
immortal beast that developsa taste for human blood.

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:56):
Have faith in Izzy and the others.

TEESH (16:00):
It’s hard to have faith in someone else, but I’ll try.
Hey, were you actually goingto teach me to make those
special cookies of yours, or wasthat just a trick to make me stay behind?

[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (16:15):
I never joke about cookies.

TEESH (16:18):
Yes! Sugar rush here I come!
[scene change music]
[outdoors, steam works ambience][tossing a bar of sugar cane in the boiler]

TRALNIS (16:32):
I hope we’re almost to the coordinates,
we’ve almost used up half of thecompressed sugar cane husks.
Even as a non-engineer, I know there’s arelationship between fuel and distance.
I want to sleep somewhere other than out inthe middle of nowhere tonight.

GARETH (16:49):
Something occurred to me while we’ve been driving.

TRALNIS (16:52):
You mean other than the fact that no one’s arse
should be subjected to these seats for more than an hour?

GARETH (16:58):
Yes, besides that. I’ve started to think that whoever
hid these tablets did it tokeep them away from Wizards.
[Izzy suddenly steers the carriage to avoidan animal]

IZZY (17:07):
Sorry, I didn’t see that pink armadillo until the last moment. Everyone okay?

ELIZABETH (17:12):
I would be better if I was sitting in the front with you
instead of back here next to the boiler.

IZZY (17:18):
Driver’s privilege, and since I’m the only one who knows how to drive one of
these things, I get to choosewho gets the other front seat.
Back to what youwere saying, Gareth.
Why do you think they wereplaced to keep them away from wizards?

GARETH (17:32):
It’s where they hid the tablets.
Both the underwater and jungle temples were built far off of any Leylines.
The archaeological dig where they found the first tablet was the same way.
Any wizard who tried to go to oneof those sites would be forced to draw
upon their internal reserves, insteadof the magic of the Leylines.

IZZY (17:52):
And any wizard who went too near to this tablet
would have their headgo… sploosh. Makes sense.
[Gareth unfolds map]

GARETH (18:04):
Looks like we need to head to the
boulders at the base of the mountain over there.

IZZY (18:08):
Hold on everybody, we’re leaving the road.
[rough terrain][vocalized driving on bumpy road]
[steam carriage stops]

TRALNIS (18:18):
I was about to ask why we didn’t just rent a four-man dirigible instead
of this torture device, but I looked up and saw those flying monstrosities above us.
Those birds, if you can call them that,look like they’re made up
of mostly pointed beaks, sharp talons, and bad attitudes.
Now someone help me out of this thing. My arse has gone numb.

(18:41):
[steam hiss][Gareth startles, yelps]

IZZY (18:43):
(laughs) Sorry, I forgot that not everybody grew up with all types of engines.
That was the steamcompression chamber venting.
If you leave one pressurizedwhen you’re not using the engine,
it leads to stressfractures along the seams.

GARETH (18:57):
I have no idea what you’re saying, so I’ll just smile and nod.

IZZY (19:01):
[blowing raspberry]

ELIZABETH (19:03):
I don’t mean to break up this touching moment, no wait,
yes I do, but I need Izzy for a moment.
Sis, you know I have no depthperception. Look back
the way we came and tell me if thoseare regular sized birds headed towards us.

IZZY (19:21):
NOW would be a really great time to make our way to those
boulders Gareth pointed out. Run!
[running, sliding behind a boulder, giantwing flap and caw]

TRALNIS (19:33):
Dwarves were not made for sprinting.
Is anyone listening to me?Oh, what’s that?

GARETH (19:42):
It’s more of those ancient runes etched into the rock
next to what looks like animpression of a hand.

IZZY (19:47):
Don’t keep us in suspense, what does it say?

GARETH (19:50):
It’s hard to tell with this top bit here. Over time,
the middle part's been eroded.The first word is ‘emergency’,
but the last word could eithermean ‘entrance’ or ‘exit’.
Without more words to figure out context,I don’t know which it is.

TRALNIS (20:08):
What does the rest of it say?

GARETH (20:10):
The rest of it says, ‘press circle to open.’
There’s something else written, it’s worndown too, but I can almost make it out.

ELIZABETH (20:20):
Do scholars have their common sense surgically removed?
Press to open ispretty self-explanatory.

GARETH (20:27):
No! Wait! I figured out what the rest says!
[button pressed, trap door opens][sliding, screaming]
The tunnel is splitting! Izzy, Tralnis!

IZZY (20:40):
(fading away) Gareth! We’ll find you and Lizard Breath at the bottom.
[scene change music]
[slide stops and spits Gareth and Elizabethout to skid along stone]

GARETH (20:57):
I figured out what those other runes meant, right before you pushed the button.

They said ‘WARNING (21:02):
door opens down’.
Don’t you think that would have been goodinformation to have, Captain?
[mechanical extension]

GARETH (21:12):
Giving me the finger with your metal hand, real mature there, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH (21:16):
Where are we?

GARETH (21:18):
Well, for those of us who are observationally impaired,
I would say we’re in a smallroom with a slide exit on one wall,
and a set of metal doorson the opposite one.

ELIZABETH (21:29):
Go check and see if we can climb back up the tunnel.

GARETH (21:32):
It’s as smooth as glass. No way we’re climbing up that.

ELIZABETH (21:37):
Fine, these doors look similar to the ones we found in the jungle, but instead
of pictures, it just has the same weird runesrepeated in each of the 18 panels.
[hurried footsteps]

GARETH (21:51):
Let me see.

ELIZABETH (21:53):
Alright, Professor, what do they say?

GARETH (21:56):
Like the boulder topside, the first rune means warning.
The other one I don’t recognize.
It’s similar to the rune for ‘animal’ but has the rune for ‘changed’ overlaying it.

ELIZABETH (22:12):
Warning, changed animal?
There is absolutely no way that could be a good thing.

GARETH (22:20):
For once, you and I are in total agreement.

ELIZABETH (22:24):
Here is what we are going to do.
We’ll open the door just wideenough to peek through.
If there is some sort of deadly creature onthe other side, we’ll just close the door
right away. Simple.

GARETH (22:36):
Actually, that sounds like a really good plan.
Let me know when you’re ready, and I’llpush the right door open an inch or two.

ELIZABETH (22:44):
Let’s do it.
[Gareth grunt, metal door opening]
Okay, step back so I can look through the opening.
Huh. I could have guessedfrom now until the next
Great Apocalypse, and never guessed right.

GARETH (22:59):
What is it? What do you see?

ELIZABETH (23:02):
(confused) A duck.

GARETH (23:04):
A duck?

ELIZABETH (23:05):
That’s what I said, a duck.
It’s got white feathers and a greenband around its neck.
If you don’t believe me,look for yourself.
I’ll push the left door open so youcan use both of your eyes to look,
[Elizabeth grunt, metal door sliding]

GARETH (23:22):
Yep, that’s definitely a duck.
I wonder why it’s standing in the middleof all those huge, gnawed on bones?

ELIZABETH (23:30):
Bones?

GARETH (23:32):
Close the doors! Close the doors!

ELIZABETH (23:34):
It’s just a duck.

GARETH (23:37):
With rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth, and a really hungry look in its eyes.
[quack-quack-hiss]

ELIZABETH (23:43):
Don’t just stand there, help me shut these damn doors.
[Gareth and Elizabeth grunting]
Any suggestions, Profess - (painful yell) Get it off!
Let go of me you feathered menace!
[draws pistol]ELIZABETH: Dammit!
I can’t get a clean shot at it.

GARETH (24:01):
[internal dialogue] Wow, that duck waddled a lot faster
than I would havegiven it credit for.
Okay Gareth, whatever you do, DO NOT laugh at how ridiculous Elizabeth
looks running around like that with a duckhanging off her ass.

ELIZABETH (24:17):
Quit laughing, you asshole, and get this thing off me!

GARETH (24:22):
Guess I didn’t keep my laughter as internalized as I hoped.
[draws Void Rod]
Hold still, so I can hit it!
[smack, angry quack hiss, hits wall, 6 rapidgunshots]
Nice shooting, Captain.
Heh, with all the feathers floating around,it kinda looks like it’s snowing.

ELIZABETH (24:39):
I can’t see where the damn thing bit me.
Get over here and tell me how bad it is!
[walking]

GARETH (24:50):
Honestly, it doesn’t look that bad.
Except for the green stuff oozingout of the punctures.

ELIZABETH (24:58):
(growing weaker) You've got to be kidding me!
Just so you know,I blame you, Professor.

GARETH (25:05):
Dammit! Why did we have to get separated from Tralnis?
He said he always carriesaround at least one dose of
Dwarvish All Purpose Anti-venom with him wherever he goes.
[Elizabeth slips to the ground]

ELIZABETH (25:19):
[weaker] Are you there, Professor? I can’t see you.

GARETH (25:25):
I’m here, Elizabeth.
I’m right here.
Let me take your hand.

ELIZABETH (25:31):
[even weaker] Take care of her, for me, Gareth.

GARETH (25:36):
I promise. I will always look after Izzy.

ELIZABETH (25:39):
Not her, you idiot! The Glorious Dawn!
For some reason the crewlooks up to you.
But while we’re on the subject, if you hurtmy baby sister, I’ll claw my way out of
whichever hell I end up in, and then dragyour screaming soul back down with me.

(26:01):
[Elizabeth passing out gasp][stone sliding]

TRALNIS (26:06):
See, I told you we Dwarves know a secret passageway when we see one!

IZZY (26:12):
Liz!
[running footsteps]

TRALNIS (26:14):
Give me room to check her over.
Her heartbeat is faint, and her skin is clammy.
What happened to her?

GARETH (26:21):
The duck bit her on the ass.

IZZY (26:23):
A what?!

GARETH (26:24):
She was bit by a venemous duck.

TRALNIS (26:29):
Quick, help me roll her over onto her stomach.
We might still have timeto save the Captain.
[rolling Elizabeth over][Izzy recoils in disgust]
Well, I guess it’s lucky I just happen to have some
Dwarvish All PurposeAnti-venom with me.

IZZY (26:44):
Tralnis, we lost your backpack when we crossed
the rope bridge overthe lava, remember?

TRALNIS (26:50):
Um… well…
yes, that’s true, but…Alright you two, I'm about to let
you in on a very closely guardedsecret of the Dwarvish nation.
There were, and still are, a lot of venomous nasties
in the underground realmswhere my ancestors came from.

(27:12):
To combat that, we Dwarves evolvedto produce a very special enzyme.
An enzyme that breaks down,and neutralizes, any sort of venom.
It’s so strong in fact, the enzyme stilldoes its job outside of a Dwarf’s body.

GARETH (27:27):
Do you mean to tell me your race harvests this enzyme
from their own kind to sell to the other races?!

TRALNIS (27:34):
Nothing like that, dear boy.
We produce so much of the enzyme; usable amounts are found in our urine.

IZZY (27:41):
Are you saying that when we drink Dwarvish All Purpose
Anti-venom, what we’rereally drinking is just....

TRALNIS (27:50):
Bottled Dwarf piss?
Yes, that’s exactly what you’re drinking.
We add some honey to make it taste better,but that’s about it.
Now if you two aredone questioning me,
I would like to administer theanti-venom to save the Captain’s life.
She can’t swallow, so I’ll have to pourthe anti-venom directly onto the wound.

(28:11):
[unbuckling pants, zipper down]
I can’t do this while you’re watching.
I have a bashful bladder. Don’t worry.
The captain will be fine in no time.
[Tralnis hums a jaunty tune while urinating]

(28:33):
That feels better. I’ve been holding that in since lunch,
and those bumpy roadssure didn’t do me any favors.
[zipper up, re-buckle belt]
Now to reassess the patient. Good, her pulse is starting to get
stronger already. If it’s all the sameto you two, I would rather
Captain Scary here doesn’t find out how I got the anti-venom to her.

(28:55):
I’m rather fond of thatpart of my plumbing,
and don’t want her ripping itoff in a moment of anger.

GARETH (29:01):
Come on, Tralnis. That’s way too funny to keep…
[arm slap]
Ouch!
As Izzy just pointed out to me, we shouldall be adult about this.
We promise to keep this justbetween the three of us.

ELIZABETH (29:12):
[groggy] Why do I smell like a urinal at smashball stadium?

GARETH (29:17):
You… uh… had so much of the duck’s venom in you, our good doctor had to use much
more than the usual dose ofDwarvish All Purpose Anti-venom.

IZZY (29:27):
Right, it must be interfering with your sense of smell.

GARETH (29:32):
Here, Captain, let me help you up.

ELIZABETH (29:36):
Just so we are clear, what happened in this chamber,
stays in this chamber!
No one else has to know I was it on the ass by a venomous duck.

GARETH (29:47):
Well, if we can’t mention the duck,
can we at least say youwere poisoned by fowl play?

TRALNIS (29:54):
Now now, Gareth, be nice.
For all we know, the creature that bit theCaptain might have been a wereduck.
We’ll need to keep her under observationfor a few weeks.
Captain, let us know if you are feeling downduring the next full moon.

ELIZABETH (30:11):
Listen here you…

IZZY (30:12):
Easy, Lizard Breath, it’s nothing to get your feathers ruffled over.
[Elizabeth storms down the duck’s passage,kicking bones out of the way]

ELIZABETH (30:22):
I wonder what the airship laws have anything to say about serving with punsters.
It has to be legal to throw them overboard,doesn’t it?
And now I’ve reached the end of the duck’sroom.
No doors, just more of those thrice damnedrunes, and a hole in the wall about waist high.

GARETH (30:39):
Let me read them.
Uh-uh, no,no,no!
NOT going to happen!

IZZY (30:44):
What’s wrong, Gareth?

GARETH (30:46):
It says, and I quote, ‘put your rod in the hole.’

TRALNIS (30:51):
I’m with you, Gareth.
These sickos are way too fond of traps.

IZZY (30:56):
Yeah.
Gareth, while our relationship hasn’t progressedto that point yet, I do have plans for what
it’s asking you to sacrifice.
[Elizabeth smacks her forehead, pulls Void Rod out, puts it into the hole, click]

ELIZABETH (31:11):
Here’s your ‘rod’ back.

GARETH (31:12):
Or… they could've just been speaking literally.
[stone sliding away]

IZZY (31:19):
Yes!
Another jet-black altar with a clay tablet.
My turn to break it!
[running, picks up tablet,breaks it]]
Here, Gareth, where are we headed next?

GARETH (31:30):
Let’s see…No…no…NO!
The damned mountain can keep this tabletand the other three as well!
[tosses all four tablets onto the ground indisgust]

TRALNIS (31:40):
What’s wrong, lad?

GARETH (31:42):
The last tablet gives a set of coordinates in the Southern Continent.
It’s where Dunst found the first tablet.
The damn things lead in a circle!

IZZY (31:51):
[internal dialogue] Circle?
Why is that sticking in my head?
Wait a minute, if I shift the tablets outof order, those decorative markings in the
corners form a perfect circle.
Gareth? Come here, I found something!
The four tablets formone bigger one.
I matched them up, and nowI can’t get them to separate.

GARETH (32:14):
You’re a genius, Izzy!
They also form a rune in the center.
The rune for blood.
Tralnis, give me your knife.

TRALNIS (32:22):
Here.

GARETH (32:23):
I’m going to feel really stupid if my hunch is wrong about this.

ELIZABETH (32:27):
You passed that way back.
Somewhere near Pigshit, I think.

GARETH (32:31):
Ha, ha.
Now to cut my finger, ouch,and add some blood to the circle.
[magic projection]GARETH: Whoa!

ELIZABETH (32:40):
Does anyone else see a floating, rotating, purple map?

TRALNIS (32:44):
Not just you, Captain.

GARETH (32:46):
There!
That island isn’t on any maps I’ve everseen.
It even has coordinates floating above it.
We did it!
The island isn’t lost anymore!
[outro music]

NARRATOR (33:01):
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island
Episode 9Starring:
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’stranslator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana

(33:23):
Lauren Kong as Elizabeth Morgana
Jenna Oliver as Teesh
and
Kayce Swan as Pilot
No blood thirsty water fowl were harmed duringthe recording of this show.
We can’t say the same for grumpy captains.

(33:45):
Gareth and the Lost Island was written anddirected by Patrick Mallard.