Hello again! Happy Monday! Welcome to a new episode of the Get Unstuck! Podcast. I've been thinking about this episode for a while and am excited to share it! This week, I'll be discussing how to stop systematically underestimating yourself.
You know, when you're constantly putting yourself down, telling yourself you can't do something or that you're not good enough for a specific task. I'll discuss some techniques to help you recognize and reprogram your negative thought patterns and the power of reframing. Reframing has been so important in my life, and it's one of the techniques I often use with clients (or with you at the end of this episode) when I have them do real-life experiments. As a psychological technique, reframing helps us look at things, problems, challenges, ourselves, and our behavior from different angles. It can give us new perspectives and help us find new ways of being and experiencing the world in unexpected places.
So why do we tend to underestimate ourselves? It may stem from various factors, including low self-esteem, past failures, and societal pressures to conform to certain expectations. But whatever the cause, underestimating yourself can prevent you from achieving your full potential and living your desired life. Every time I dream up a big thing I want to do, when fear sets in, one of the things I do every single time is tell myself that I won't be able to make it. That's underestimating yourself. Perhaps you do it too. If you do, know that you're not alone. This is something so many people struggle with, often unconsciously.
The thoughts come and go so fast that we mistake them for reality or assume that what we hear is who we are. But that is so far from the truth. The TEDx talk I gave a few years back is entitled "Don't believe anything you think," There's a good reason for that. Our thoughts are just that, thoughts. The voices in our heads are those of many people, not just our own - in fact, not often our own. They're the voices of our caretakers, peers, and society.
On top of that, they're fleeting. They come and go, so why do we take them seriously? Why would we think they have something to do with reality or who we really are? I have some previous podcast episodes that talk in more detail about our brains and neocortex and give some answers to those questions. So feel free to give those a listen. For this episode, the vital thing to remember is that: you are not your thoughts.
I first heard this in an 8-week mindfulness training I enrolled in over a decade ago. My parents had passed suddenly some months before that, and I was going through one of the darkest periods of my life. I'd never meditated, sat in a circle with others, and never shared my feelings openly with strangers. And I certainly never had given my thoughts a second thought. When I entered the room that first evening of class, I was convinced that everything I was hearing in my head was my truth and my voice. The teacher had us sit in a circle (ahem) and check-in. I'd never done that before; it felt so horribly uncomfortable.
After that, she started talking about the mind and how it plays tricks on us. I can still see and hear her say: "You know, you are not your thoughts; you don't have to believe them." I still get goosebumps every time I think about it (I got them now!). That was such an epiphany for me. Until that point, I had believed everything - EVERYTHING - my mind was telling me, making my life difficult, small, miserable even. My thoughts stressed me out and made me anxious; I never had a quiet moment in my head. There was always, always a conversation going on. Or an imaginary fight with all the people that did me wrong or didn't understand me. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted; it was terrible.
That first evening with the teacher changed my life. It was like a light switch going off in my head. Since then, whenever I hear myself think something that doesn't make me feel good or takes away from who I really am, I remember her words: don't believe anything you think. That doesn't mean that I don't ever believe my thoughts; it's more like getting to choose which one of them I want to focus on and let guide me through the day. It takes practice, no doubt about that. But starting with awareness is a significant first step in this journey.
So the question then becomes, how do you stop underestimating yourself? As I mentioned, the first step is to be aware of what you're telling yourself. Once you know what's going on in your head, you can choose where your focus is and which thoughts to believe. A great way to do that is through journaling or talking it out with somebody (a coach or a therapist). That way, you can get perspective on what's happening and how much of it is true.
One of our clients, Denise, is a talented graphic designer who doubles as a wedding planner. Even though she delivers quality work to nothing but happy cli
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