Welcome back to the "Girl We Grow Now" podcast! In this episode, host Victoria dives deep into the world of dating and relationships. If you've been struggling with dating or just looking for some fresh perspectives, this episode is for you.
Victoria discusses the importance of self-evaluation, focusing on your own growth, and setting clear non-negotiables. She emphasizes the need for a healthy mindset, practicing detachment, and the power of manifestation in finding the right partner. She also talks a lot about not letting social media make you feel like you need to date a certain way or desire a specific kind of partner, the 50/50 and provider man conversation is a very popular dating topic and in this episode Victoria will give her thoughts on this topic!
Get ready to explore how to navigate the modern dating scene, avoid settling for less, and find the love you truly deserve. With practical tips and heartfelt advice, prepare to be empowered to own your dating journey.
Don't miss out on this insightful episode filled with inspiration, practical advice, and a touch of tough love. Tune in now and start unlocking your best dating life! Please remember to leave a review and share this episode with friends who might benefit from these insights.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You can meet the caliber of man that you want. But what I will say is that we
have to be honest and we have to evaluate where we are in life,
this man or partner that you want.
Are you the type of person that they would be looking for?
Music.
(00:21):
Hello, Grown Girl Gang. Welcome back to the Girl We Grow Now podcast.
I am your host, Victoria, and I am so happy you are here.
If you are looking for tips, advice, and or inspiration, then you are in the right place.
This podcast was created to help you navigate life and live your most fulfilled and authentic life.
(00:45):
I have been so, so busy and literally all over the place.
This month of June feels like it has literally flown by.
I feel like I have blinked and we are about to be in the month of July.
It honestly has affected my consistency with this podcast, which has been so
sad because this is one of the things that bring me the most joy out of the
(01:07):
things that I typically do throughout my days and my week.
I literally took four flights in one week, the other week, and I was all over
the place and exhausted and I just needed to rest and not overdo it because
honestly, I felt like the four flights in itself was already kind of overdoing it.
And so I just took the opportunity to take some time off so that I wouldn't
(01:28):
get sick from overdoing it.
And I've really just been having to learn how to find balance.
And I just feel like I have to reset and get back into being more disciplined.
So I've actually decided, well, let me backtrack. So I've
been really big lately on focus words for the year.
And I've really decided that instead of doing a focus word for the year,
(01:51):
I would really love to do one for the month, really have a word that I know
will help me have a better month, something that I know I need to focus on.
So really focus on that for the month and then evaluate at the end of the month
and see if I should keep that focus word for the following month or if I'm ready
to change and have a new you focus.
(02:11):
And so with that being said, for the month of July, my focus word is going to
be discipline because I feel like I have just been lacking in it on so many
levels lately and I just need to get it together.
And I think that is the true testament to just how human I am.
As most of you guys probably have experienced, our lives truly ebb and flow.
(02:32):
There's times where we're really on it. We're focused. We are hitting goals, checking off boxes.
And then there's times where It is just a good thing to get like one or two
things done on our to-do list, which is so understandable and we have to give ourselves grace.
That's another thing I feel like I've learned a lot this year is just really
giving myself grace, but also not getting stuck and being comfortable with the
(02:57):
lack of discipline or just not keeping up with my routines and doing the things that I want to do.
Like it's okay to have the moment, give myself grace, but then to really focus
on getting back into it. So that is why I want my focus word to be disciplined for the month of July.
I will keep you guys updated on that, but I'm really going to focus on getting
back into all of my routines and just being more productive and getting things
(03:20):
done and scheduling everything in my calendar, including my me time.
My self-care time, my fun time.
But yeah, I just am ready to get things back on track.
And I know it's going to be a bit easier because I'm going to be in the same
location for like the next couple of months. So it's going to be easy to get back in that routine.
I think for me, the challenge is when I leave a location and go somewhere new
(03:42):
or go back home, it's just like rewiring my brain and getting back into the
routine in that area. But.
Anyways, that is not what the episode is about today. So today I really want
to talk about relationships and specifically dating relationships because I
do feel like there's so much talk about on social media.
(04:03):
There always has been. And I think we are at the point where there's always
going to be a conversation about dating in today's society on social media or
podcasts or just any kind of media because it's just such a hot topic.
And I understand why there are a lot of people who have their take and their
advice that they want to give on dating, which is fine because obviously I'm
(04:24):
about to do the same thing with this episode.
But the reason why I want to talk about dating is because one,
I did take like a six month break on dating and just really focused on myself.
And honestly, it was amazing.
And I am at the stage where I'm getting back into dating.
I think it's really beautiful when you can take a break from something because
you are finding it not to be as fun and you're just kind of losing sight of what you want.
(04:49):
I think it's really good to take a step back to refocus on what you want to
focus on and then come back into it like refreshed and ready to just like have
fun and meet new people again.
And I think when you're going into dating, especially now, like it's important
to have fun. I know a lot of us want to find our person.
And I think the best way to find your person is to go out, do things you love,
(05:10):
meet new people, but also just like not forgetting to have fun.
And in the beginning of dating, it should be fun. Yeah, you're going to ask
questions to see if you guys vibe to see if you're on the same page,
but it doesn't have to be like from zero to seriousness on the first day.
So really just looking at dating as a journey and going into it with a good
mindset and headspace is so, so important.
(05:31):
So I really want to talk about dating today is because I really feel like I
have evolved my standpoint on dating,
but I also do feel like some of the ideologies that I have seen a lot on social
media was heavily swaying me to have a certain mindset and perspective on dating,
whether I truly realized where that mindset was coming from and what was swaying me or not.
(05:54):
But I'm really just focused on just reframing my mindset and focus on what I want.
First and foremost, getting advice from people who are in healthy and flourishing
relationships that I look up to and really just blocking out the noise.
And I will say, I think there is a lot in social media.
I think we are in this era of people wanting to have the next clickbait or the
(06:16):
next viral point of view and stance on things, which cool, great.
But I think we have to remember that everything we hear and see on social media isn't always real.
Sometimes people are just saying things to get a reaction, and it might not
be how they are actually living their life.
So with that being said, I think it's so important to have discernment and decide
(06:37):
what you want your dating life to look like and to make that decision on your own.
Of course, listen to advice, but just really be able to sift through that advice
and just know what what would work for you and what wouldn't.
So what I will say is I feel like for a while now, one of the really big relationship
topics has been the 50-50 conversation and a man providing financially for his woman.
(07:01):
So I saw the conversation that was super, super viral. It was about Monet's boyfriend, Jalen.
He went on a podcast and he was talking about what is a provider man even,
and this expectation for a man in today's economy to foot the bill for their partner.
So I don't care to weigh in on his statements because I don't really know him.
I didn't listen to that full episode. So I don't have all the context.
(07:25):
And I think Monet's a great influencer, but that's just what I know of her.
I'm not up to date with her relationship, but seeing the virality of this conversation
and just how strongly people feel about this topic led me to want to bring this
convo for vitamin to the podcast.
And honestly, really just the conversation of dating in today's society in general,
(07:47):
because I even know from when I was in my early twenties to now early thirties,
dating has changed so, so much. It is like a different beast.
So I think it's so important to have these conversations, but to have it in
a way that is healthy and that still leaves space for everyone to personalize
their own dating preferences and experiences.
(08:09):
There is no one size fits all in dating. You have to do what's best for you.
You have to do what's going to make you happy and that will lead you to having
your happy Healthy and fulfilling relationship and that's going to look different
for different people So as I said,
it's so abundantly clear that dating has changed a ton And I think it's a combination
(08:31):
of one easy access with dating apps and social media Like literally you can
talk to people in other parts of the world Also,
hookup culture is a lot more prevalent now.
And the social media conversations that I mentioned truly changed.
We have these huge viral conversations going on and it is seeping into our subconscious.
(08:53):
We are taking all of these social media personalities and these people and their
opinions and we are letting that flow into our dating life without really taking a moment to consider,
is that really how I feel about dating or am I being swayed by the masses and
by social media to date this way.
And that this is like the only way to date if you want to be happy and have
(09:17):
like a great relationship.
What I will tell you is that a lot of times we will see the people giving this
all or nothing advice aren't even in happy, healthy relationships.
And I'm not saying that you have to be in a relationship to give dating advice
because hello, I'm single and I still talk about dating, but I really think
it's important to be careful about the all or nothing advice because as I said earlier,
(09:41):
dating is not one size fits all.
You have to figure out what's best for you and that is what you have to do and
you have to go on your own journey and everyone's dating journey is going to
look very different based on their needs and like what they want and the kind
of partner that they're seeking.
I think the best thing that we can all do for our dating journeys and our dating
life is to look internally and And truly take the time to figure out what it
(10:05):
is that we want and what it is that we need.
Set the boundaries, set the standards, and build our dating beliefs based on those things.
So going back to the 50-50 and provider man conversation, I think it's so understandable
and it makes a lot of sense to want a provider man.
A lot of us, that is what we were told to want growing up as little girls.
(10:27):
And I think we often hear the concept of a provider man, and we connect that
with him paying all the bills.
And the reality is that not all men can do that.
If you were to take the time to Google what the average man makes in your dating
age range, you will see for yourself that it's just not possible for all men
(10:50):
to do that. And that is okay.
Also, when we think about the men who can truly foot the bill for themselves
and their woman, especially just knowing how the economy is right now.
Typically, those men are men who are married to their work, or they could be
(11:10):
men who maybe have gotten lucky in investment, so they don't have to work as hard.
But a lot of the men who are out here who are super wealthy and affluent and
giving their ladies the soft life,
those are men who are working a lot and they're married to their job.
So as a woman, if that's the kind of man you want,
you really have to be realistic with if that kind of relationship is going to
(11:31):
be fulfilling for you because a lot of times like that man isn't going to be
around because he's going to be working really hard to afford the lifestyle that he's giving you.
So you have to ask yourself, are you okay with having that alone time and doing
a lot of things solo while he's at work?
Yeah, he may take you on these amazing trips, but he might have to step away
from part of the trip because he has work to do.
(11:53):
Are you going to sit in the hotel room and be sad about it?
Or are you going to be able to just roll with the punches, do your thing when
he's working and just enjoy the time that you have together?
So when you think of a provider man and you're thinking of what kind of man
you want, you really have to think of it in totality.
You have to think of what you want your life to look like. And if that kind
of partner that you're looking for is going to be able to fit into the lifestyle that you want.
(12:18):
I think there's no wrong answer. Again, it just comes down to what you want,
what's going to make you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
But again, if a man can't do that and he can't provide for you financially.
That does not mean he's not a provider man.
Being a provider man truly is a mindset. Yes, he may not have the coins to foot
the bill, at least not at this time.
(12:39):
But again, it's like, What are his goals? What's his vision?
What's his plan? And what's his mindset?
Because let's be real, there are men out here who do make a lot of money who
could provide for their woman, but they still want their woman to do 50-50 and
split bills financially with them.
And in my opinion, that is not a man who's looking for a partner to build with.
(12:59):
That is someone who's out for the benefits that they can get.
It has literally been proven that a man is elevated when he gets with a woman,
but a lot of women are not elevated when they get with the wrong man.
And I really want to put the emphasis on the wrong man part because it's not just a man.
It's if you are with the wrong man, you can literally have your life take a
(13:23):
180 turn in the wrong direction with keeping that in mind.
It's so important that you are getting some value out of your relationship and
you're not just getting your value sucked out by someone who is only concerned about him.
And I know I am saying this,
men and him. Honestly, this goes both ways. I'm just speaking more so of my
(13:44):
experience because that's what I can speak to, but you really have to make sure
that you end up with the right partner.
So I really want to talk about five important things that I think are needed
to help you find the right partner for you.
I'm not really going to share my specifics, but I will talk about how to figure out what's best for you.
(14:06):
Because as I said before, with everything and dating included,
it's a personal journey.
What I want and what works for me might not be your thing. And that's okay because
you're a different person.
And at the end of the day, you have to look for what makes you happy,
but likely the goal of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship that makes
(14:28):
sense is what a lot of us are seeking.
So the first thing is you really have to to prioritize yourself.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you first have to have a healthy relationship
with yourself and you really have to be working towards a secure attachment.
So if you have all of these insecurities that are unresolved and unchecked, like yes,
(14:54):
no one's ever going to be perfect 100% of the times, but you have to understand
your insecurities and you have to understand your triggers and you really have
to be able to own that and take accountability for that.
Of course, you don't want to be with a partner who's going to trigger all of those things.
And of course, it's okay to have the conversations of what makes you feel safe,
(15:15):
what makes you feel triggered.
But at the end of the day, we have to be able to look inward and really manage
those things and really have a toolbox that's going to help us be the most securely
attached version of ourselves.
And I do believe that loving yourself and truly believing that you are worthy
of the kind of partner and the love that you deserve is a huge, huge thing.
(15:37):
Because if you know those things, it's really going to keep you.
From settling for low effort, bare minimum partners.
As someone who is in the dating scene, there are so many guys out there that
want to do less than the bare minimum, but literally will want full access to
you and your body and your energy.
(15:57):
And I really just want us all to feel empowered to make them earn you.
You have the right to say no.
And if a man at this big old age that we are dating in cannot understand that, he has got to go.
Be willing to walk away.
You are so, so worthy of authentic and healthy love that if the option is to
(16:23):
have a beautiful and healthy life as a single person or to settle for struggle
love or someone who just is so low effort and bare minimum,
that's not adding anything to your life, then I want you to love yourself so
much that you are willing to choose you.
Literally, hands down, it's not even a question because you know what you want,
(16:46):
you know what you deserve, and you know you're worth it and you can get it.
So you're just not going to even entertain people who aren't willing to pursue
you and they think that they can just do nothing and they deserve you. Absolutely not.
According to Morgan Stanley, about 45% of women ages 25 to 44 will be single in 2030.
(17:10):
Honestly, when I first heard that statistic, I thought it was a little scary
and it made me a little sad because as a single person, that's not really what I want to hear.
But also the more I think about it without getting into the specifics of like
what they said, why that is,
I really do do think it's so empowering and beautiful to know that we are now
(17:31):
in such a place that we don't have to settle.
Human connection obviously is such a natural desire. It's beautiful.
But to be able to be in a position where you love yourself so wholly and so
purely that your desire to be happy and healthy and loved wholly is so much
(17:53):
greater than just settling for any romantic connection.
And of Of course, as we know, back in the day and like our grandparents' times
and maybe even some of our parents' times, like that just wasn't as much of
an option. It was a lot scarier of a path.
But like now we just have so much opportunity that we don't have to settle for
like BS. And I just think that's really empowering and it's really beautiful.
(18:13):
And of course, you can get your human connection in other ways,
but we'll save that for another episode.
So really, when you are on this journey of making sure that you are prioritizing
yourself, focus on your growth and glow up journey.
I find that when you are busy working on yourself and living for yourself and
(18:34):
not waiting to do things until you get a partner or waiting to do things when
you have people to go with,
you are more likely to meet your person when you're not stressing about it and
you're just out there enjoying life and just having this beautiful aura around
you and like having this contagious happiness. You are going to draw in the right people.
People, I understand that it can get lonely. And when you have those moments
(18:58):
and those feelings of loneliness, that's when you really have to force yourself
to get outside, force yourself to go out, go get a dinner,
go to a little cute place and do pottery or do some kind of crafty thing in a studio.
Pick up a new hobby, or you can join a new group where you can meet new people.
But really, when you start to feel that loneliness, I want you to get outside
(19:19):
and I want you to get around people because that is a part of the human connection.
You never know who you're going to meet, but I can promise you if you're never
going out and you're just sitting inside, it's going to be a lot harder to meet people.
And also I feel like that gets a lot more lonely when you're just only spending time with yourself.
Of course, like having the time to yourself is important, but you also need
(19:41):
human connection and you need to be around people.
So this is your sign to get Get out of the house if you are in your single error
and you're feeling lonely, but you know that you work remotely,
so you're always home and you don't really do much after work.
Make it a point to get out of the house during the week, whether it's to go
on a walk, whether it's to take yourself to the movies, take yourself to dinner,
whatever it is, get out of the house and be around people and make it a point
(20:06):
to put yourself out there so that you can meet new people.
The second thing is to know your non-negotiables and what you want.
My rule of thumb is if he isn't adding value to my life, then I'm uninterested.
I can take care of myself. I travel.
I can afford the things that I want and that I need. So I don't necessarily
need a man to do that for me, but I do need them to be able to provide my non-negotiables
(20:30):
and be a partner and be someone who adds value and brings joy into my life.
So let's talk about non-negotiables.
I used to have this long, long list. I literally would never remember it.
I'd always have to go back and look at it and I think it's really important
to narrow down the things that are true non-negotiables because of.
Of course, we are all human. So it's going to be really challenging to find
(20:53):
someone to literally meet a long list of things. But if you want to do that, great.
I still believe that you can find that. But I think really just understanding
what's truly non-negotiable and what are things that are like to have,
but not necessarily must-haves.
I think it's really important to sit down and figure out, okay, what's a must-have?
What would I like to have, but does not necessarily need?
(21:15):
And then look at those lists and really determine what your non-negotiables
are. and then go from there.
I think it's really important to be super clear on your non-negotiables and
what you won't compromise on.
And then from there, you will better understand the things that you want,
but you're willing to compromise on depending on what it is and just truly depending on the person.
(21:36):
When you know what you want, it is going to be so much harder for someone to
talk you into something that you don't want.
And I think it's really important to not be easily swayed and to not let someone
talk you out of what you want out of fear of you're asking for too much.
Because as they say, you are never asking for too much. You're just asking the wrong person.
(21:58):
And if you're asking someone who just can't meet your standards and what you
want, it's just a waste of a conversation.
Like that just tells you that, you know, that's not my person.
I'm going to keep going on my journey and they can go on their journey and you
just like wish each other well and just know that it wasn't meant to be.
I remember there's this guy that I know, and I remember I think I was maybe
(22:19):
early 20s. He would always say that at some point, most of the really pretty
women are going to have to settle for men who are mediocre.
And it was kind of wild that this was coming from him. And I just think that
the problem is you have people like him.
Trying to tell these beautiful women this because they know that they are kind of the mediocre man.
(22:43):
So like they want us to think that so that they have an opportunity.
And I'm here to tell you that there is a man out there who will meet your non-negotiables,
who will meet your standard and who will pursue you and treat you how you want to be treated.
Do not let a mediocre man come in and tell you that it's not possible just so he can have a shot.
(23:05):
The third thing is to really be open to meeting someone and really believe that
there are still good people in the world.
When you have this mindset of men suck and there aren't any good people in the
world, this is going to seep into your dating life.
I have heard women have this mindset and honestly, it makes me so sad.
(23:27):
Have I had bad dating experiences?
Yes, but that is a part of the process.
I've never met anyone who is in their mid to late 20s, early 30s who hasn't
had a bad dating experience.
If you talk to most women who are currently in healthy relationships,
they can probably tell you about previous relationships or dating experiences
(23:49):
that were not healthy or that did not go well.
It is just a part of the game these days.
And having the mindset of all men suck because of some bad experiences would
be like me going to an Italian restaurant where I don't like the food,
it's overcooked, their service isn't great, and I had an overall bad experience.
(24:10):
That would be like me taking that experience and then saying,
I don't like Italian food because that restaurant and that experience at that restaurant was so bad.
No, that would literally be wild because no, Italian food itself is not bad.
That wasn't the issue. It was the restaurant.
So since I didn't like the restaurant, I need to level up and pick a better
(24:35):
restaurant, not give up completely on Italian food.
It's literally the same thing with dating. If you find yourself having bad dating
experiences time after time, Then it's time for you to sit down,
find the common denominator in those experiences.
Figure out what is attracting you to this quality or these kind of people and
(24:57):
do the work and level up your dating and your standards and your boundaries.
You really have to sit back, consider your environment, consider how you are
carrying yourself and what kind of men that is attracting.
Consider your type. Maybe it's time to stray away from your type and really
just take a moment to evaluate because when things aren't working,
(25:19):
I think sometimes it's easy to see the external, but sometimes we really do
have to look internally and say, why am I attracted to these same
kind of people who have this one quality that I know I don't want.
And when you're able to do that and really root cause those things,
you are going to be in a better position to level up your dating.
(25:41):
Take the time to set yourself up to have less low quality experiences.
Even when I think about that, I really think about how I have these boundaries.
And I know I've had people tell me that my boundaries are too strict or I have
too many quote unquote rules.
So in thinking and talking about this, it really reminds me of how I have been
(26:03):
strongly against walking dates.
One thing that I noticed when I started to spend a lot of time in Canada is
that people will ask you to go on walking dates.
And I literally thought that was preposterous.
They will also ask for coffee dates. And I was like, excuse me, what?
Like that's not a date, like not doing it. And I will say I have warmed to coffee
dates just because I think it's
a nice alternative to going out to get drinks at night, like at a bar.
(26:27):
I typically tell people that I don't really drink, but I'm willing to meet up at a cafe.
And I will say like Montreal has like the best coffee shop. So it's pretty cute to do it there.
And yeah, so I've warmed to that a little bit. But one thing that I was like
completely against and I'm definitely even more so against it now is like to go on a walking day.
I think if you are in a relationship and you guys want to meet up during the
(26:48):
week and go for a walk because you're a hot girl, you like to get your steps
in and you like to be active, which is what I am.
But like for first dates and like for continual dates to be walking dates, like that's not a date.
Like that's literally what I do with my friends at the hangout.
So anyways, I have been so against that.
And you know, I've had people telling me like, Oh, like, you know,
that's normal. It's a thing.
(27:08):
So I was like, okay, let me just
give it a shot. I kid you not. I accepted casual quote unquote dates from a man like this.
So the first time we met up, we really just walked.
And then the second time he took me to get ice cream and walk.
And I kid you not, after that, he would literally hit me up and be like,
I miss you. You want to go for a walk?
And I was so annoyed because it's like, okay, I agreed to a walking date.
(27:34):
And now you think that's all you have to do?
Absolutely not. And it's like, not only are you to 36 years old and asking me
to continually go on walking dates,
but you're also trying to really push physical intimacy and be like super aggressive with it.
And it's like, bro, like you're literally friend zoning yourself.
(27:55):
You're asking me to go on a walking date continually.
And it's like, I'm not a dog that needs to be walked regularly.
Like I'm a grown woman. You're 36. Like if you're interested, take me on a real day.
And if you can't put effort in to take me on on a real date,
the last thing you need to do is expect that you're going to get physical intimacy out of me.
But you need to be socially aware enough to know that a grown woman isn't going to accept that.
(28:20):
And so I say all that to say that I learned my lesson.
I have my quote unquote rules, but I like to call them boundaries.
I have those for a reason because these standards, they keep me from these kinds
of low quality experiences.
Because had I stuck with that that boundary and that standard,
I would have never went on a date with this guy and I would have been better
(28:40):
for it and I wouldn't have wasted my time.
But I'm glad that I have that reminder of why I have these standards.
So the next time someone gives me crap about it, I'm going to be like, you know what?
I've tried that and it just bought low effort men into my space.
And that's just not what I'm looking for. If you are okay with walks, great, do your thing.
But if you're not okay with walks, don't let people make you feel bad about
(29:01):
it. It truly is as a preference.
And I'm sure not all guys who ask to go on walks are like that,
but that was my experience and it's a no for me.
So going back to having a all men suck and a bitter mindset.
So if you genuinely believe that there aren't good men in the world and that
all men cheat and all the negative things that you have about men,
(29:23):
then this is what you are going to attract.
I strongly believe that when you lead with that kind of mindset,
you're not going to be able to to have space and room to accept something good
and a good man into your life.
So if you find yourself having issues
these thoughts, then you definitely have to retrain your brain.
I think it's okay to enter dating cautiously.
(29:47):
I mean, it's a big decision and it's okay to want people to show you their intentions
and to have them build trust, but you still need to change the narrative and
believe that there are good men out there.
And I am willing to continue on my dating journey, focus Focus on having fun
and meeting new people as I am on my way to my good man.
(30:10):
In my opinion, this mindset is going to set you up to have better dating experiences
versus having a bitter Betty mindset because nobody wants to go on a date with
someone who is super pessimistic,
who is going into the date with a negative mindset.
And I've never met anyone who has been happy to be around a negative Nancy. fancy.
(30:31):
As we know, the princess had to kiss a lot of frogs before she met her prince.
Not saying you have to kiss these men, but dating is really a numbers game.
Go on the dates, meet people, and manage your expectations.
And while you're on your dating journey, manifest you're a good man.
You can do this in your gratitude practice.
(30:53):
You can start journaling about it. You can say, thank you for this amazing partner
that I have with all of the blank qualities.
And you list out the qualities that you want in a partner and you just go ahead
and be grateful for that so that you can really just manifest as a man with
all of those good qualities that you want into your life.
(31:14):
Mindset really plays a huge role in finding the right partner for yourself.
And so I think if you can master the mind when it comes to dating,
it's just going to make your dating journey and your dating experience is so much better.
The fourth thing is to really practice detachment and dating.
It is so easy to romanticize a man after coming off of a dating high.
(31:37):
I am so guilty of this. I literally have to check myself after every really
great dating experience that I have.
One of my friends who was actually on this podcast and we have a dating episode,
she gave me the best tip that I now use in dating and it's to journal about
your dates so that you have something to look back on to really see how you felt,
(31:59):
what y'all talked about, how you felt leading up to the date. Did he confirm?
Did he communicate things well?
Did he put effort into planning and to making sure that you felt comfortable and safe on this date?
But when you have this mindset of knowing that you are going to be journaling
a real account of how your date went, it's a lot easier to lead with your head
(32:24):
in the early stages versus your heart.
And I will say leading with your head in the beginning is going to be something
that saves you from a lot of premature heartbreak and from getting overly invested
in someone who is just not that interested in you.
I know you have this big, beautiful heart,
but I think it is so important to lead with your head in the early stages of
(32:48):
dating so that you don't get wrapped up in the idea of a person,
but you can really take in the reality of them instead.
And you can use that and check in with yourself and check in with what you are
actually looking for and see if their qualities are aligning with the qualities
that you were looking for in a partner.
(33:08):
I know I've been in a situation, like not even a situation, a whole relationship
where I went with the flow.
I followed his energy because I thought he seemed so sure about me.
So sure. Like I'm going to date this man.
I'm going to do that. And then I think in hindsight, I was like,
wow, like I probably should have checked in with myself because I would have
realized that this man is not my man.
This man is just not the man for me. It just didn't make sense.
(33:31):
But I was so busy going with the flow and being led by his energy that I didn't
take the time to check in with myself.
And I feel like that really led me to get into the wrong relationship.
In a nutshell, don't choose someone and get your heart on someone before they truly choose you.
And you will know if they truly choose you by their actions and if their actions
(33:51):
are aligning with their words and them actually taking you off the market and
making you a girlfriend officially,
if someone is putting you in a situationship, that is not someone who truly wants you.
That is someone who is just waiting for their person and they just are using
you for the in-between time.
And so if that's not what you want, then I really want you to not put yourself
(34:14):
in a situation to be in that situationship. And the fifth thing is to not settle.
So all of the four things before this literally gets us to not settling.
You can meet the caliber of man that you want,
But what I will say is that we have to be honest and we have to evaluate where we are in life.
(34:34):
This man or partner that you want, are you the type of person that they would
be looking for? What are your habits? What are your routines?
How would your lifestyles truly align?
I think sometimes we can be swayed by social media to want a certain type of
partner or to be a certain type of person.
But it's so important to really take a moment and honestly look at yourself
(34:58):
and think about how your life is now and how you feel about it.
Are you on a glow up journey?
If you are, that's so great. I so support you.
And if you are, think about the kind of person you want to be with in that higher
and better version of yourself.
What kind of partner does that higher version want.
(35:18):
And really go from there. What I will say is do not let an insecure,
bare minimum man try to convince you that you cannot get the caliber of man
that you want because obviously he is trying to do that because he wants to
shoot his shot and he wants his chance.
There's been too many times I have seen women let that be their story and they've
(35:42):
let this insecure person convince them that they can't get better than them.
And what I will say as someone who is 33 and in the dating scene,
it is not all rainbows and sunshine.
I will tell you the dating scene is a bit rough and you know,
it takes patience and it takes perseverance, but you don't have to settle for
(36:04):
just anything out of fear of never meeting your person.
If you want a man who gives you flowers weekly, you can get a man who gives
you flowers on a weekly basis.
There are men out there who are in their thirties and forties and don't have kids.
There are men who will celebrate you and make you feel special on your birthday.
There are men who will continue to date you and take you out on dates.
(36:28):
No matter how long you've been dating, there are men who will value you and
who will respect you and who will listen to you when you were upset.
And when you tell them, no, they're not going to try to force it.
They're not going to try to convince you. They're going going to respect your
words and your feelings.
And there are men who are willing to make you feel happy and loved and seen
(36:49):
and fulfilled in your relationships.
And I know it can be so, so scary to not know what your future may hold.
And that can make you want to stay in a relationship with a person who isn't
treating you the way that you want out of fear of that uncertainty.
But what you have to think about is, are you willing to take that chance of
(37:12):
finding a partner that you can build a healthy and beautiful relationship with?
Or are you content with?
To settle in your current situation even though you feel unseen, unvalued, unloved.
And truly, that is only for you to answer, but I just don't want you to let
that fear of uncertainty keep you stuck in your current situation if it's just
(37:34):
not a great situation and it's not a situation that's adding value into your life.
Again, the dating scene isn't rainbow and sunshine.
It's kind of challenging to say the least, but what I will say is that I would
rather go on a path of uncertainty and to wonder what is in store for me in
my next relationship versus having settled in a past relationship that I just know wasn't for me.
(37:58):
So I really hope that you found value out of this episode.
Please leave me a review, leave me a rating wherever you listen to your podcasts
and And tell me your thoughts on this podcast.
Tell me your thoughts on this episode and just what topics you want to hear next.
Now that I'm not doing series every month, I feel like the world is my oyster on topics.
(38:18):
So really just let me know what kind of topics you want to hear,
what kind of guests you want me to bring on, and I will do my best to add that into the lineup.
So I hope you have enjoyed this episode and that you can use these tips that
I've given you in your dating journey.
And please message me and let me know how dating is going because I think,
you know, sometimes it's just helpful to have people to really just be on the
(38:42):
journey with and just to bounce experiences and ideas off of.
And so definitely feel free to send me a DM and let's chat about our dating lives.
But with that being said, I hope you have an amazing week and we will chat next
week. Bye, Grown Girl Gang.
Thank you all for tuning into this week's episode. If you really loved the episode
(39:04):
and you felt like it resonated with you, be sure to share the love and share
the episode with a friend.
Also, if you could take a minute and head to the review section wherever you
listen to your podcast and leave me a review, letting me know what you're loving
about these episodes and which topics you want to hear next.
That way, I can make sure that I continue creating episodes that you love.
Also, make sure you hit the subscribe button so that you don't miss an episode.
(39:25):
Until next week, bye, Grown Girl Gang.
Music.
You can meet the caliber of man that you want. But what I will say is that we
have to be honest and we have to evaluate where we are in life,
this man or partner that you want.
Are you the type of person that they would be looking for?
Music.
(00:21):
Hello, Grown Girl Gang. Welcome back to the Girl We Grow Now podcast.
I am your host, Victoria, and I am so happy you are here.
If you are looking for tips, advice, and or inspiration, then you are in the right place.
This podcast was created to help you navigate life and live your most fulfilled and authentic life.
(00:45):
I have been so, so busy and literally all over the place.
This month of June feels like it has literally flown by.
I feel like I have blinked and we are about to be in the month of July.
It honestly has affected my consistency with this podcast, which has been so
sad because this is one of the things that bring me the most joy out of the
(01:07):
things that I typically do throughout my days and my week.
I literally took four flights in one week, the other week, and I was all over
the place and exhausted and I just needed to rest and not overdo it because
honestly, I felt like the four flights in itself was already kind of overdoing it.
And so I just took the opportunity to take some time off so that I wouldn't
(01:28):
get sick from overdoing it.
And I've really just been having to learn how to find balance.
And I just feel like I have to reset and get back into being more disciplined.
So I've actually decided, well, let me backtrack. So I've
been really big lately on focus words for the year.
And I've really decided that instead of doing a focus word for the year,
(01:51):
I would really love to do one for the month, really have a word that I know
will help me have a better month, something that I know I need to focus on.
So really focus on that for the month and then evaluate at the end of the month
and see if I should keep that focus word for the following month or if I'm ready
to change and have a new you focus.
(02:11):
And so with that being said, for the month of July, my focus word is going to
be discipline because I feel like I have just been lacking in it on so many
levels lately and I just need to get it together.
And I think that is the true testament to just how human I am.
As most of you guys probably have experienced, our lives truly ebb and flow.
(02:32):
There's times where we're really on it. We're focused. We are hitting goals, checking off boxes.
And then there's times where It is just a good thing to get like one or two
things done on our to-do list, which is so understandable and we have to give ourselves grace.
That's another thing I feel like I've learned a lot this year is just really
giving myself grace, but also not getting stuck and being comfortable with the
(02:57):
lack of discipline or just not keeping up with my routines and doing the things that I want to do.
Like it's okay to have the moment, give myself grace, but then to really focus
on getting back into it. So that is why I want my focus word to be disciplined for the month of July.
I will keep you guys updated on that, but I'm really going to focus on getting
back into all of my routines and just being more productive and getting things
(03:20):
done and scheduling everything in my calendar, including my me time.
My self-care time, my fun time.
But yeah, I just am ready to get things back on track.
And I know it's going to be a bit easier because I'm going to be in the same
location for like the next couple of months. So it's going to be easy to get back in that routine.
I think for me, the challenge is when I leave a location and go somewhere new
(03:42):
or go back home, it's just like rewiring my brain and getting back into the
routine in that area. But.
Anyways, that is not what the episode is about today. So today I really want
to talk about relationships and specifically dating relationships because I
do feel like there's so much talk about on social media.
(04:03):
There always has been. And I think we are at the point where there's always
going to be a conversation about dating in today's society on social media or
podcasts or just any kind of media because it's just such a hot topic.
And I understand why there are a lot of people who have their take and their
advice that they want to give on dating, which is fine because obviously I'm
(04:24):
about to do the same thing with this episode.
But the reason why I want to talk about dating is because one,
I did take like a six month break on dating and just really focused on myself.
And honestly, it was amazing.
And I am at the stage where I'm getting back into dating.
I think it's really beautiful when you can take a break from something because
you are finding it not to be as fun and you're just kind of losing sight of what you want.
(04:49):
I think it's really good to take a step back to refocus on what you want to
focus on and then come back into it like refreshed and ready to just like have
fun and meet new people again.
And I think when you're going into dating, especially now, like it's important
to have fun. I know a lot of us want to find our person.
And I think the best way to find your person is to go out, do things you love,
(05:10):
meet new people, but also just like not forgetting to have fun.
And in the beginning of dating, it should be fun. Yeah, you're going to ask
questions to see if you guys vibe to see if you're on the same page,
but it doesn't have to be like from zero to seriousness on the first day.
So really just looking at dating as a journey and going into it with a good
mindset and headspace is so, so important.
(05:31):
So I really want to talk about dating today is because I really feel like I
have evolved my standpoint on dating,
but I also do feel like some of the ideologies that I have seen a lot on social
media was heavily swaying me to have a certain mindset and perspective on dating,
whether I truly realized where that mindset was coming from and what was swaying me or not.
(05:54):
But I'm really just focused on just reframing my mindset and focus on what I want.
First and foremost, getting advice from people who are in healthy and flourishing
relationships that I look up to and really just blocking out the noise.
And I will say, I think there is a lot in social media.
I think we are in this era of people wanting to have the next clickbait or the
(06:16):
next viral point of view and stance on things, which cool, great.
But I think we have to remember that everything we hear and see on social media isn't always real.
Sometimes people are just saying things to get a reaction, and it might not
be how they are actually living their life.
So with that being said, I think it's so important to have discernment and decide
(06:37):
what you want your dating life to look like and to make that decision on your own.
Of course, listen to advice, but just really be able to sift through that advice
and just know what what would work for you and what wouldn't.
So what I will say is I feel like for a while now, one of the really big relationship
topics has been the 50-50 conversation and a man providing financially for his woman.
(07:01):
So I saw the conversation that was super, super viral. It was about Monet's boyfriend, Jalen.
He went on a podcast and he was talking about what is a provider man even,
and this expectation for a man in today's economy to foot the bill for their partner.
So I don't care to weigh in on his statements because I don't really know him.
I didn't listen to that full episode. So I don't have all the context.
(07:25):
And I think Monet's a great influencer, but that's just what I know of her.
I'm not up to date with her relationship, but seeing the virality of this conversation
and just how strongly people feel about this topic led me to want to bring this
convo for vitamin to the podcast.
And honestly, really just the conversation of dating in today's society in general,
(07:47):
because I even know from when I was in my early twenties to now early thirties,
dating has changed so, so much. It is like a different beast.
So I think it's so important to have these conversations, but to have it in
a way that is healthy and that still leaves space for everyone to personalize
their own dating preferences and experiences.
(08:09):
There is no one size fits all in dating. You have to do what's best for you.
You have to do what's going to make you happy and that will lead you to having
your happy Healthy and fulfilling relationship and that's going to look different
for different people So as I said,
it's so abundantly clear that dating has changed a ton And I think it's a combination
(08:31):
of one easy access with dating apps and social media Like literally you can
talk to people in other parts of the world Also,
hookup culture is a lot more prevalent now.
And the social media conversations that I mentioned truly changed.
We have these huge viral conversations going on and it is seeping into our subconscious.
(08:53):
We are taking all of these social media personalities and these people and their
opinions and we are letting that flow into our dating life without really taking a moment to consider,
is that really how I feel about dating or am I being swayed by the masses and
by social media to date this way.
And that this is like the only way to date if you want to be happy and have
(09:17):
like a great relationship.
What I will tell you is that a lot of times we will see the people giving this
all or nothing advice aren't even in happy, healthy relationships.
And I'm not saying that you have to be in a relationship to give dating advice
because hello, I'm single and I still talk about dating, but I really think
it's important to be careful about the all or nothing advice because as I said earlier,
(09:41):
dating is not one size fits all.
You have to figure out what's best for you and that is what you have to do and
you have to go on your own journey and everyone's dating journey is going to
look very different based on their needs and like what they want and the kind
of partner that they're seeking.
I think the best thing that we can all do for our dating journeys and our dating
life is to look internally and And truly take the time to figure out what it
(10:05):
is that we want and what it is that we need.
Set the boundaries, set the standards, and build our dating beliefs based on those things.
So going back to the 50-50 and provider man conversation, I think it's so understandable
and it makes a lot of sense to want a provider man.
A lot of us, that is what we were told to want growing up as little girls.
(10:27):
And I think we often hear the concept of a provider man, and we connect that
with him paying all the bills.
And the reality is that not all men can do that.
If you were to take the time to Google what the average man makes in your dating
age range, you will see for yourself that it's just not possible for all men
(10:50):
to do that. And that is okay.
Also, when we think about the men who can truly foot the bill for themselves
and their woman, especially just knowing how the economy is right now.
Typically, those men are men who are married to their work, or they could be
(11:10):
men who maybe have gotten lucky in investment, so they don't have to work as hard.
But a lot of the men who are out here who are super wealthy and affluent and
giving their ladies the soft life,
those are men who are working a lot and they're married to their job.
So as a woman, if that's the kind of man you want,
you really have to be realistic with if that kind of relationship is going to
(11:31):
be fulfilling for you because a lot of times like that man isn't going to be
around because he's going to be working really hard to afford the lifestyle that he's giving you.
So you have to ask yourself, are you okay with having that alone time and doing
a lot of things solo while he's at work?
Yeah, he may take you on these amazing trips, but he might have to step away
from part of the trip because he has work to do.
(11:53):
Are you going to sit in the hotel room and be sad about it?
Or are you going to be able to just roll with the punches, do your thing when
he's working and just enjoy the time that you have together?
So when you think of a provider man and you're thinking of what kind of man
you want, you really have to think of it in totality.
You have to think of what you want your life to look like. And if that kind
of partner that you're looking for is going to be able to fit into the lifestyle that you want.
(12:18):
I think there's no wrong answer. Again, it just comes down to what you want,
what's going to make you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
But again, if a man can't do that and he can't provide for you financially.
That does not mean he's not a provider man.
Being a provider man truly is a mindset. Yes, he may not have the coins to foot
the bill, at least not at this time.
(12:39):
But again, it's like, What are his goals? What's his vision?
What's his plan? And what's his mindset?
Because let's be real, there are men out here who do make a lot of money who
could provide for their woman, but they still want their woman to do 50-50 and
split bills financially with them.
And in my opinion, that is not a man who's looking for a partner to build with.
(12:59):
That is someone who's out for the benefits that they can get.
It has literally been proven that a man is elevated when he gets with a woman,
but a lot of women are not elevated when they get with the wrong man.
And I really want to put the emphasis on the wrong man part because it's not just a man.
It's if you are with the wrong man, you can literally have your life take a
(13:23):
180 turn in the wrong direction with keeping that in mind.
It's so important that you are getting some value out of your relationship and
you're not just getting your value sucked out by someone who is only concerned about him.
And I know I am saying this,
men and him. Honestly, this goes both ways. I'm just speaking more so of my
(13:44):
experience because that's what I can speak to, but you really have to make sure
that you end up with the right partner.
So I really want to talk about five important things that I think are needed
to help you find the right partner for you.
I'm not really going to share my specifics, but I will talk about how to figure out what's best for you.
(14:06):
Because as I said before, with everything and dating included,
it's a personal journey.
What I want and what works for me might not be your thing. And that's okay because
you're a different person.
And at the end of the day, you have to look for what makes you happy,
but likely the goal of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship that makes
(14:28):
sense is what a lot of us are seeking.
So the first thing is you really have to to prioritize yourself.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you first have to have a healthy relationship
with yourself and you really have to be working towards a secure attachment.
So if you have all of these insecurities that are unresolved and unchecked, like yes,
(14:54):
no one's ever going to be perfect 100% of the times, but you have to understand
your insecurities and you have to understand your triggers and you really have
to be able to own that and take accountability for that.
Of course, you don't want to be with a partner who's going to trigger all of those things.
And of course, it's okay to have the conversations of what makes you feel safe,
(15:15):
what makes you feel triggered.
But at the end of the day, we have to be able to look inward and really manage
those things and really have a toolbox that's going to help us be the most securely
attached version of ourselves.
And I do believe that loving yourself and truly believing that you are worthy
of the kind of partner and the love that you deserve is a huge, huge thing.
(15:37):
Because if you know those things, it's really going to keep you.
From settling for low effort, bare minimum partners.
As someone who is in the dating scene, there are so many guys out there that
want to do less than the bare minimum, but literally will want full access to
you and your body and your energy.
(15:57):
And I really just want us all to feel empowered to make them earn you.
You have the right to say no.
And if a man at this big old age that we are dating in cannot understand that, he has got to go.
Be willing to walk away.
You are so, so worthy of authentic and healthy love that if the option is to
(16:23):
have a beautiful and healthy life as a single person or to settle for struggle
love or someone who just is so low effort and bare minimum,
that's not adding anything to your life, then I want you to love yourself so
much that you are willing to choose you.
Literally, hands down, it's not even a question because you know what you want,
(16:46):
you know what you deserve, and you know you're worth it and you can get it.
So you're just not going to even entertain people who aren't willing to pursue
you and they think that they can just do nothing and they deserve you. Absolutely not.
According to Morgan Stanley, about 45% of women ages 25 to 44 will be single in 2030.
(17:10):
Honestly, when I first heard that statistic, I thought it was a little scary
and it made me a little sad because as a single person, that's not really what I want to hear.
But also the more I think about it without getting into the specifics of like
what they said, why that is,
I really do do think it's so empowering and beautiful to know that we are now
(17:31):
in such a place that we don't have to settle.
Human connection obviously is such a natural desire. It's beautiful.
But to be able to be in a position where you love yourself so wholly and so
purely that your desire to be happy and healthy and loved wholly is so much
(17:53):
greater than just settling for any romantic connection.
And of Of course, as we know, back in the day and like our grandparents' times
and maybe even some of our parents' times, like that just wasn't as much of
an option. It was a lot scarier of a path.
But like now we just have so much opportunity that we don't have to settle for
like BS. And I just think that's really empowering and it's really beautiful.
(18:13):
And of course, you can get your human connection in other ways,
but we'll save that for another episode.
So really, when you are on this journey of making sure that you are prioritizing
yourself, focus on your growth and glow up journey.
I find that when you are busy working on yourself and living for yourself and
(18:34):
not waiting to do things until you get a partner or waiting to do things when
you have people to go with,
you are more likely to meet your person when you're not stressing about it and
you're just out there enjoying life and just having this beautiful aura around
you and like having this contagious happiness. You are going to draw in the right people.
People, I understand that it can get lonely. And when you have those moments
(18:58):
and those feelings of loneliness, that's when you really have to force yourself
to get outside, force yourself to go out, go get a dinner,
go to a little cute place and do pottery or do some kind of crafty thing in a studio.
Pick up a new hobby, or you can join a new group where you can meet new people.
But really, when you start to feel that loneliness, I want you to get outside
(19:19):
and I want you to get around people because that is a part of the human connection.
You never know who you're going to meet, but I can promise you if you're never
going out and you're just sitting inside, it's going to be a lot harder to meet people.
And also I feel like that gets a lot more lonely when you're just only spending time with yourself.
Of course, like having the time to yourself is important, but you also need
(19:41):
human connection and you need to be around people.
So this is your sign to get Get out of the house if you are in your single error
and you're feeling lonely, but you know that you work remotely,
so you're always home and you don't really do much after work.
Make it a point to get out of the house during the week, whether it's to go
on a walk, whether it's to take yourself to the movies, take yourself to dinner,
whatever it is, get out of the house and be around people and make it a point
(20:06):
to put yourself out there so that you can meet new people.
The second thing is to know your non-negotiables and what you want.
My rule of thumb is if he isn't adding value to my life, then I'm uninterested.
I can take care of myself. I travel.
I can afford the things that I want and that I need. So I don't necessarily
need a man to do that for me, but I do need them to be able to provide my non-negotiables
(20:30):
and be a partner and be someone who adds value and brings joy into my life.
So let's talk about non-negotiables.
I used to have this long, long list. I literally would never remember it.
I'd always have to go back and look at it and I think it's really important
to narrow down the things that are true non-negotiables because of.
Of course, we are all human. So it's going to be really challenging to find
(20:53):
someone to literally meet a long list of things. But if you want to do that, great.
I still believe that you can find that. But I think really just understanding
what's truly non-negotiable and what are things that are like to have,
but not necessarily must-haves.
I think it's really important to sit down and figure out, okay, what's a must-have?
What would I like to have, but does not necessarily need?
(21:15):
And then look at those lists and really determine what your non-negotiables
are. and then go from there.
I think it's really important to be super clear on your non-negotiables and
what you won't compromise on.
And then from there, you will better understand the things that you want,
but you're willing to compromise on depending on what it is and just truly depending on the person.
(21:36):
When you know what you want, it is going to be so much harder for someone to
talk you into something that you don't want.
And I think it's really important to not be easily swayed and to not let someone
talk you out of what you want out of fear of you're asking for too much.
Because as they say, you are never asking for too much. You're just asking the wrong person.
(21:58):
And if you're asking someone who just can't meet your standards and what you
want, it's just a waste of a conversation.
Like that just tells you that, you know, that's not my person.
I'm going to keep going on my journey and they can go on their journey and you
just like wish each other well and just know that it wasn't meant to be.
I remember there's this guy that I know, and I remember I think I was maybe
(22:19):
early 20s. He would always say that at some point, most of the really pretty
women are going to have to settle for men who are mediocre.
And it was kind of wild that this was coming from him. And I just think that
the problem is you have people like him.
Trying to tell these beautiful women this because they know that they are kind of the mediocre man.
(22:43):
So like they want us to think that so that they have an opportunity.
And I'm here to tell you that there is a man out there who will meet your non-negotiables,
who will meet your standard and who will pursue you and treat you how you want to be treated.
Do not let a mediocre man come in and tell you that it's not possible just so he can have a shot.
(23:05):
The third thing is to really be open to meeting someone and really believe that
there are still good people in the world.
When you have this mindset of men suck and there aren't any good people in the
world, this is going to seep into your dating life.
I have heard women have this mindset and honestly, it makes me so sad.
(23:27):
Have I had bad dating experiences?
Yes, but that is a part of the process.
I've never met anyone who is in their mid to late 20s, early 30s who hasn't
had a bad dating experience.
If you talk to most women who are currently in healthy relationships,
they can probably tell you about previous relationships or dating experiences
(23:49):
that were not healthy or that did not go well.
It is just a part of the game these days.
And having the mindset of all men suck because of some bad experiences would
be like me going to an Italian restaurant where I don't like the food,
it's overcooked, their service isn't great, and I had an overall bad experience.
(24:10):
That would be like me taking that experience and then saying,
I don't like Italian food because that restaurant and that experience at that restaurant was so bad.
No, that would literally be wild because no, Italian food itself is not bad.
That wasn't the issue. It was the restaurant.
So since I didn't like the restaurant, I need to level up and pick a better
(24:35):
restaurant, not give up completely on Italian food.
It's literally the same thing with dating. If you find yourself having bad dating
experiences time after time, Then it's time for you to sit down,
find the common denominator in those experiences.
Figure out what is attracting you to this quality or these kind of people and
(24:57):
do the work and level up your dating and your standards and your boundaries.
You really have to sit back, consider your environment, consider how you are
carrying yourself and what kind of men that is attracting.
Consider your type. Maybe it's time to stray away from your type and really
just take a moment to evaluate because when things aren't working,
(25:19):
I think sometimes it's easy to see the external, but sometimes we really do
have to look internally and say, why am I attracted to these same
kind of people who have this one quality that I know I don't want.
And when you're able to do that and really root cause those things,
you are going to be in a better position to level up your dating.
(25:41):
Take the time to set yourself up to have less low quality experiences.
Even when I think about that, I really think about how I have these boundaries.
And I know I've had people tell me that my boundaries are too strict or I have
too many quote unquote rules.
So in thinking and talking about this, it really reminds me of how I have been
(26:03):
strongly against walking dates.
One thing that I noticed when I started to spend a lot of time in Canada is
that people will ask you to go on walking dates.
And I literally thought that was preposterous.
They will also ask for coffee dates. And I was like, excuse me, what?
Like that's not a date, like not doing it. And I will say I have warmed to coffee
dates just because I think it's
a nice alternative to going out to get drinks at night, like at a bar.
(26:27):
I typically tell people that I don't really drink, but I'm willing to meet up at a cafe.
And I will say like Montreal has like the best coffee shop. So it's pretty cute to do it there.
And yeah, so I've warmed to that a little bit. But one thing that I was like
completely against and I'm definitely even more so against it now is like to go on a walking day.
I think if you are in a relationship and you guys want to meet up during the
(26:48):
week and go for a walk because you're a hot girl, you like to get your steps
in and you like to be active, which is what I am.
But like for first dates and like for continual dates to be walking dates, like that's not a date.
Like that's literally what I do with my friends at the hangout.
So anyways, I have been so against that.
And you know, I've had people telling me like, Oh, like, you know,
that's normal. It's a thing.
(27:08):
So I was like, okay, let me just
give it a shot. I kid you not. I accepted casual quote unquote dates from a man like this.
So the first time we met up, we really just walked.
And then the second time he took me to get ice cream and walk.
And I kid you not, after that, he would literally hit me up and be like,
I miss you. You want to go for a walk?
And I was so annoyed because it's like, okay, I agreed to a walking date.
(27:34):
And now you think that's all you have to do?
Absolutely not. And it's like, not only are you to 36 years old and asking me
to continually go on walking dates,
but you're also trying to really push physical intimacy and be like super aggressive with it.
And it's like, bro, like you're literally friend zoning yourself.
(27:55):
You're asking me to go on a walking date continually.
And it's like, I'm not a dog that needs to be walked regularly.
Like I'm a grown woman. You're 36. Like if you're interested, take me on a real day.
And if you can't put effort in to take me on on a real date,
the last thing you need to do is expect that you're going to get physical intimacy out of me.
But you need to be socially aware enough to know that a grown woman isn't going to accept that.
(28:20):
And so I say all that to say that I learned my lesson.
I have my quote unquote rules, but I like to call them boundaries.
I have those for a reason because these standards, they keep me from these kinds
of low quality experiences.
Because had I stuck with that that boundary and that standard,
I would have never went on a date with this guy and I would have been better
(28:40):
for it and I wouldn't have wasted my time.
But I'm glad that I have that reminder of why I have these standards.
So the next time someone gives me crap about it, I'm going to be like, you know what?
I've tried that and it just bought low effort men into my space.
And that's just not what I'm looking for. If you are okay with walks, great, do your thing.
But if you're not okay with walks, don't let people make you feel bad about
(29:01):
it. It truly is as a preference.
And I'm sure not all guys who ask to go on walks are like that,
but that was my experience and it's a no for me.
So going back to having a all men suck and a bitter mindset.
So if you genuinely believe that there aren't good men in the world and that
all men cheat and all the negative things that you have about men,
(29:23):
then this is what you are going to attract.
I strongly believe that when you lead with that kind of mindset,
you're not going to be able to to have space and room to accept something good
and a good man into your life.
So if you find yourself having issues
these thoughts, then you definitely have to retrain your brain.
I think it's okay to enter dating cautiously.
(29:47):
I mean, it's a big decision and it's okay to want people to show you their intentions
and to have them build trust, but you still need to change the narrative and
believe that there are good men out there.
And I am willing to continue on my dating journey, focus Focus on having fun
and meeting new people as I am on my way to my good man.
(30:10):
In my opinion, this mindset is going to set you up to have better dating experiences
versus having a bitter Betty mindset because nobody wants to go on a date with
someone who is super pessimistic,
who is going into the date with a negative mindset.
And I've never met anyone who has been happy to be around a negative Nancy. fancy.
(30:31):
As we know, the princess had to kiss a lot of frogs before she met her prince.
Not saying you have to kiss these men, but dating is really a numbers game.
Go on the dates, meet people, and manage your expectations.
And while you're on your dating journey, manifest you're a good man.
You can do this in your gratitude practice.
(30:53):
You can start journaling about it. You can say, thank you for this amazing partner
that I have with all of the blank qualities.
And you list out the qualities that you want in a partner and you just go ahead
and be grateful for that so that you can really just manifest as a man with
all of those good qualities that you want into your life.
(31:14):
Mindset really plays a huge role in finding the right partner for yourself.
And so I think if you can master the mind when it comes to dating,
it's just going to make your dating journey and your dating experience is so much better.
The fourth thing is to really practice detachment and dating.
It is so easy to romanticize a man after coming off of a dating high.
(31:37):
I am so guilty of this. I literally have to check myself after every really
great dating experience that I have.
One of my friends who was actually on this podcast and we have a dating episode,
she gave me the best tip that I now use in dating and it's to journal about
your dates so that you have something to look back on to really see how you felt,
(31:59):
what y'all talked about, how you felt leading up to the date. Did he confirm?
Did he communicate things well?
Did he put effort into planning and to making sure that you felt comfortable and safe on this date?
But when you have this mindset of knowing that you are going to be journaling
a real account of how your date went, it's a lot easier to lead with your head
(32:24):
in the early stages versus your heart.
And I will say leading with your head in the beginning is going to be something
that saves you from a lot of premature heartbreak and from getting overly invested
in someone who is just not that interested in you.
I know you have this big, beautiful heart,
but I think it is so important to lead with your head in the early stages of
(32:48):
dating so that you don't get wrapped up in the idea of a person,
but you can really take in the reality of them instead.
And you can use that and check in with yourself and check in with what you are
actually looking for and see if their qualities are aligning with the qualities
that you were looking for in a partner.
(33:08):
I know I've been in a situation, like not even a situation, a whole relationship
where I went with the flow.
I followed his energy because I thought he seemed so sure about me.
So sure. Like I'm going to date this man.
I'm going to do that. And then I think in hindsight, I was like,
wow, like I probably should have checked in with myself because I would have
realized that this man is not my man.
This man is just not the man for me. It just didn't make sense.
(33:31):
But I was so busy going with the flow and being led by his energy that I didn't
take the time to check in with myself.
And I feel like that really led me to get into the wrong relationship.
In a nutshell, don't choose someone and get your heart on someone before they truly choose you.
And you will know if they truly choose you by their actions and if their actions
(33:51):
are aligning with their words and them actually taking you off the market and
making you a girlfriend officially,
if someone is putting you in a situationship, that is not someone who truly wants you.
That is someone who is just waiting for their person and they just are using
you for the in-between time.
And so if that's not what you want, then I really want you to not put yourself
(34:14):
in a situation to be in that situationship. And the fifth thing is to not settle.
So all of the four things before this literally gets us to not settling.
You can meet the caliber of man that you want,
But what I will say is that we have to be honest and we have to evaluate where we are in life.
(34:34):
This man or partner that you want, are you the type of person that they would
be looking for? What are your habits? What are your routines?
How would your lifestyles truly align?
I think sometimes we can be swayed by social media to want a certain type of
partner or to be a certain type of person.
But it's so important to really take a moment and honestly look at yourself
(34:58):
and think about how your life is now and how you feel about it.
Are you on a glow up journey?
If you are, that's so great. I so support you.
And if you are, think about the kind of person you want to be with in that higher
and better version of yourself.
What kind of partner does that higher version want.
(35:18):
And really go from there. What I will say is do not let an insecure,
bare minimum man try to convince you that you cannot get the caliber of man
that you want because obviously he is trying to do that because he wants to
shoot his shot and he wants his chance.
There's been too many times I have seen women let that be their story and they've
(35:42):
let this insecure person convince them that they can't get better than them.
And what I will say as someone who is 33 and in the dating scene,
it is not all rainbows and sunshine.
I will tell you the dating scene is a bit rough and you know,
it takes patience and it takes perseverance, but you don't have to settle for
(36:04):
just anything out of fear of never meeting your person.
If you want a man who gives you flowers weekly, you can get a man who gives
you flowers on a weekly basis.
There are men out there who are in their thirties and forties and don't have kids.
There are men who will celebrate you and make you feel special on your birthday.
There are men who will continue to date you and take you out on dates.
(36:28):
No matter how long you've been dating, there are men who will value you and
who will respect you and who will listen to you when you were upset.
And when you tell them, no, they're not going to try to force it.
They're not going to try to convince you. They're going going to respect your
words and your feelings.
And there are men who are willing to make you feel happy and loved and seen
(36:49):
and fulfilled in your relationships.
And I know it can be so, so scary to not know what your future may hold.
And that can make you want to stay in a relationship with a person who isn't
treating you the way that you want out of fear of that uncertainty.
But what you have to think about is, are you willing to take that chance of
(37:12):
finding a partner that you can build a healthy and beautiful relationship with?
Or are you content with?
To settle in your current situation even though you feel unseen, unvalued, unloved.
And truly, that is only for you to answer, but I just don't want you to let
that fear of uncertainty keep you stuck in your current situation if it's just
(37:34):
not a great situation and it's not a situation that's adding value into your life.
Again, the dating scene isn't rainbow and sunshine.
It's kind of challenging to say the least, but what I will say is that I would
rather go on a path of uncertainty and to wonder what is in store for me in
my next relationship versus having settled in a past relationship that I just know wasn't for me.
(37:58):
So I really hope that you found value out of this episode.
Please leave me a review, leave me a rating wherever you listen to your podcasts
and And tell me your thoughts on this podcast.
Tell me your thoughts on this episode and just what topics you want to hear next.
Now that I'm not doing series every month, I feel like the world is my oyster on topics.
(38:18):
So really just let me know what kind of topics you want to hear,
what kind of guests you want me to bring on, and I will do my best to add that into the lineup.
So I hope you have enjoyed this episode and that you can use these tips that
I've given you in your dating journey.
And please message me and let me know how dating is going because I think,
you know, sometimes it's just helpful to have people to really just be on the
(38:42):
journey with and just to bounce experiences and ideas off of.
And so definitely feel free to send me a DM and let's chat about our dating lives.
But with that being said, I hope you have an amazing week and we will chat next
week. Bye, Grown Girl Gang.
Thank you all for tuning into this week's episode. If you really loved the episode
(39:04):
and you felt like it resonated with you, be sure to share the love and share
the episode with a friend.
Also, if you could take a minute and head to the review section wherever you
listen to your podcast and leave me a review, letting me know what you're loving
about these episodes and which topics you want to hear next.
That way, I can make sure that I continue creating episodes that you love.
Also, make sure you hit the subscribe button so that you don't miss an episode.
(39:25):
Until next week, bye, Grown Girl Gang.
Music.
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