March 17, 2025 • 64 mins
Back by popular demand, close friend of the pod and fellow Grandad impersonator Simon Wozniak joins us today for a nice ol' chat with ya grandad... Enjoy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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You got to be a bear, please. Yeah.
Don't mind. What?
Just your safe turn, please. Yeah.
(03:19):
Let's keep it fresh bro. Lads on tonight eh?
Hopefully airlines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 15 lbs You'll
save me more like if. Off that in it last me, you and
whoever's in the building gotta get into 35 minutes.
It was in the calibrate. It was like, so I was doing it
then I might just get to 35 minutes first half, so it was.
(03:41):
In itself, yeah. To 837 lads.
See what happens. You coming back on after me?
Yeah, What you're coming back on, aren't you?
Yeah, just MC it me. I just thought that means an MC
extra dollar card on me. Don't these was on the phone
like for new? Stuff I've got as well and all
my fans, I just see this new stuff I'm doing.
Have you got some new stuff here?
Loads. I've.
Been fucking writing me loads like that.
(04:01):
Yeah, so you can't put me on. Some viral phone.
Buy pads bro. Oh yeah, he's analog.
Just yeah. Yeah, gold meat.
That's for days, Brett. Yeah.
Rustano. Yeah, let's go been.
Recorded yeah, for a minute now OK welcome back to the podcast
(04:22):
then ladies and gentlemen, we have a returning guest, one of
our favourite our meet our our colleague Mr. Simon, wasn't it
welcome back it's. Good to be back third time.
Third time is it? Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Trick.
Yeah, you do remember his prediction on the first one?
What was it? Someone's going to end up in
chalk. Start to be for this, yeah.
(04:43):
No, we didn't. Start to be.
There's some did come on with a gun, yeah.
Yeah. They're all comedy ones.
There were People are dying in America because of the American
hip hop that no jumper that I watch.
Then people die because of them.That's in the different world to
this, isn't it? But I hope this world goes this
way soon. It's too nice here mates.
It's like everyone slags, shove off behind the back, face to
(05:04):
face. Everyone think, oh, how's the
second that? You know what I mean?
Well, we, we, you just come backfrom the tents, haven't you?
Which is why you're 14 minutes late because you've been in
Derby car share with someone all.
Right. No, no, I've got a, I've got a
manager now, so every manager takes me, right?
It's the old Dorman. The Dorman who used to work a
Skeller. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(05:25):
yeah. He's told his manager.
Oh, he just takes you to say I thought it was tour only that.
Doesn't he does me diary for me and everything?
Oh, he does sake it as well. He gigged.
He gigged for me on Saturday. You know, he gigged for me in
Marple and you went yes. You did the Marvel, did you?
Sick love. Yeah.
It's not about Gig Fan. That's cool what we do.
(05:46):
I got a voice out of him like 8 minutes past eight.
What have you sent me to here? Chaos.
Raffles. The fellas, every team walked in
obviously, and they went. In the window.
In the window, stood in the window stage next to the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just kept me to walk.
There was chaos and then and then the first stack was on.
He don't know the first stack. Everyone done well.
And then Rob come back on and then he's and then the fellow
(06:07):
who's the promoter there said, yeah, it's Rob.
You got to do the raffle now. He's Rob.
Rob. To Rob Holland Rob Holland.
Oh, he so he was. What's the bill?
Well. Holland MC Yeah, OK.
Duty opened. Oh yeah.
He's good. I don't miss you.
Know what you seen, dude? Yeah.
Oh, that's good. Yeah.
Woods in the middle. Woodsy.
Yeah. Aaron Woods.
Oh yeah, yeah. TC close.
(06:28):
Nice bill. Solid SWM solid.
Now 5 pints on stage, 4 pints, 4pints on stage.
That's. What they want in it, they
catch. How long into the set were you?
I've done 4 and about a space ofabout 10 minutes 5-10 minutes.
Why? Because he was, he was singing.
They listen to no one else. Yeah, that was a party trick.
(06:51):
He was singing this like song. And at the end of the song,
you've got it down. And she kept saying, you know, I
was thinking, they're not fucking beating me.
It's like, fuck off. I want the free bevies as well
because the fellow was bringing me free bevies.
Get off straight away I just stick around I.
Mean go with the car was I always mingle with the fans and
then. A old men, few women.
If yeah, well, they call me I told you to call me now on the
(07:13):
UK comedy circle, like last night Barbie, I reckon 60%
women. So everywhere I'm getting buck
an hour and also got loads of female fans.
Yeah, 'cause they call me the Matt Rife UK comedy scene.
Yeah, Fat Rife. You like that one?
Didn't. You, that's right.
I was going to say, I was going to say like I was the scalp
smart rife, but then obviously you went fat rife.
So yeah. Yeah, you're, you're a pretty
(07:34):
lab, but you know, obviously youdon't get girls at your gigs.
I do. No, but you.
Get used to getting any group you love off this yet because
it's getting big now and it's getting.
I've probably got 2 left in me probably before I can't even get
on. No, no, I don't think it's like
that. You know me, I'm an old
romantic, can't I? So I'm just staying over the the
right one now it's. Nice.
This though, it's good this thisset up, isn't it?
Yeah, Yeah. Professionally intimidating now,
(07:55):
do you think so? Yeah, getting intimidating this
now it's a bit much for me. 3. Three lights and two of these
big heavyweight cameras mate, and you have.
These two on yours now. No, I don't like once the light
starts coming in and then you get these big guys and that it's
getting a bit real now, like proper.
Well, we have said we are backedby ESPN.
You know what I mean? ESPN, you know what I mean?
We've had that Saudi money, Yeah.
(08:19):
What's new anyway? Any anyone got?
To say I've started trying, I'vestarted from the granddad
videos, obviously, yes, it's a beef there.
Who's whose idea was like, I've heard of different people.
I got all Fionn. Fionn's give you give you his
best. Us.
No, it's not well. That's what he said.
I've got a taxi as well. It's not.
(08:40):
OK. We can come up with it when we
were stuck in Hull and I've had that voice for years.
I used to do what the book is. He's doubling down now.
I did. I'm not ass.
Listen, I'm not ass. Really.
But we have a group chat where we was all doing it together and
then they mithered me to post it, post it, post it and when
they did they've seen their ass.I haven't seen me ass.
(09:02):
No, you've seen me. Ass I haven't seen me ass and I
I I know chief writer. Would you get would you get
involved in one of the sketches on his Instagram?
No. Could too easily, yeah.
Maybe you could, you know, you know, use your granddad.
Yeah, but this? Timestamp page where where the
video is posted. We've got, we've got.
So he's lifting off the off the group page.
So he's he's stole off that and I woke up too.
(09:24):
I'm not. Stole.
I've only done my own. Yeah, I've only done my own.
I've only done my own. So yeah, it's gone.
No, it's gone. But I'm happy.
I'm happy to see people succeed,you know?
So I'm about, you know, I'm about, I'll, I don't need to be
successful. No, they're making out like I've
(09:45):
been a writer. I've not.
I've not said anything. Oh well, it's the impression I
get. What is it?
What? What has made you think that?
What's made you think? That Valentine's Day.
What happened Valentine's Day? You said you went oh what made
you post that now then? No, it didn't.
Trouble in paradise? Share this straight away.
I've been encouraging you to do to do.
(10:05):
That's what I mean. That's why.
Because there there was. There was.
I was encouraged to post it. Then I finally posted it.
It's always a motive, young daddy.
So yeah, you know, when you're going on your next saw, if you
need to open it, I'm free. I'm.
Happy for the granddad to be posted.
(10:27):
But you're looking forward to getting back on tour, boys
Annies. When it.
Happened a good day is there mate, David.
That's when you that's when you use a nice, you know what I
mean? Fucking Daddy was full of them,
boys wasn't. It.
Yeah, You weren't in some of them cars.
It's a lovely end, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, no, the, the, the obviously it's all.
We're all late for the money, aren't we?
Yeah, some of them. No one's doing this for the
love. Some of them journeys were 10s.
(10:50):
Yeah, well, I, I've done 10 dates, didn't I?
And I reckon about Gig 9, like it was someone was going to get
smack like. What do you what?
You don't like where where you just, you spend that much time
with people. You spend that much time with
people, you're just a bit like you're.
I fucking can't be arsed at these.
Like on all that's all the time.I like day five.
You're like, fucking shut up now.
(11:11):
I didn't think it ever got that way.
I thought it was what we just, we'd just sit in silence and be
fine. That's why.
That's why it worked. You sit in silence.
I know you're trying to. I know you're trying to get us.
You're trying to make me lose the support.
I know it's a sting. I know it's a sting.
All these like, oh you little fucking fatties at home that's
(11:33):
only open for. Me, listen, I'm happy.
I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you, mate.
I'm I'm chocolate. I'm fucking.
Open for him? That's cool.
I'm alright. I can't.
I could open. For you, No, it's alright.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just.
Trying to make content. Yeah, All right.
(11:55):
Just a lot for the clip, aren't we?
People like riffs, don't we? Riffs and riffs, bro.
Yeah. So you're looking forward to
getting behind on the tour then?Yeah, yeah, yeah, need to.
I just need. I just need it on.
Set, Have you gone full time? Yeah.
Yeah, full time for about. Congratulations, Yeah.
About about 2 1/2 I reckon. 2 1/2 months at the minute.
(12:18):
Oh, you, you're full time again.All right.
You're. Full time, yeah, yeah.
Are your toes finished? No extension?
Extension junior, right? How many more dates are there?
30 Hello, 1030 Thirty. Yeah, yeah. 30 more.
(12:39):
Look like yeah, look that way. Yeah, I had to update off the
craze yesterday. You going anywhere new or you?
Yeah, I want to go down South. I want to try and take my charm
down South. That's fine, I should be making
some money there. Then with you it's the extra
dates. It depends if they sell out.
It's got great tax though, yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a big tax. Pays Jews bro.
(13:00):
It's like a fucking premiership football.
I mean 50% tax mate, you know what I mean.
Yeah, and how many was in the 10gig?
Is all sold out. That wasn't sold.
Out it was me. Yeah, everyone.
How many? Capacity 3000.
The tent No. The tent yesterday.
Oh, I thought you went to 10. The ten I've just done.
(13:21):
Yeah. No, no, no.
Not the tent. Oh, that weren't sold out.
That was it for. No, it was about fate.
About you'd be. You've done the tent.
Yeah. It's about you've.
Done the tent. Yeah, I've done the tent space
before. I've said to you that in the
message, so that find another circuit, it's another circuit
coming under 35 is more entrenched than me.
Yeah. So you've done, you've done.
It's. Not under 35.
Now I've got to be up there withwith the one who's done.
(13:45):
I think, I think the 10 could hold 14.
I'd say there's 3435 and you know what I mean?
Was it? Raining or not?
No, no, no gigs gig. The mic.
The mic was a bit like the PA. He was a bit forked.
You know, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was seed in his
shoes. But you know what, we got
through it. You know when when you're there,
when you love the game and stuffand you just get down there and
(14:05):
you just say to yourself, you know, let's make the most of it,
travel to half hours, You know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to be jokes
with dad on his ass and presented it was new stuff.
What babe, this out the way? Do you know Speak Story?
What? Oh, it's long as well.
Not long. Oh yeah, that's not a little
(14:26):
joke. Before shout down from the
window. The punchline, I said thanks for
sticking with me, I know it's long.
And then done the punchline and he just went.
I went, yeah, I think Carly and then you.
Have to give me the money and nothing.
Else we've been doing it before years.
All the rest of it was salmon. I was live in the trenches for
you. Yeah.
(14:49):
It's OK skin, but you know, it's, it's what it is, isn't it?
But you know what those salmon do, You know, when you when you
read people's success stories, the first page isn't just, oh, I
made it. You know, you've got to go
through these things, you know, to make it.
Yeah. Because when you get on page
fucking 200, you know what I mean?
It's flying then, you know what I mean?
(15:09):
There's drugs. There's fucking do.
You know, there's, there's, there's status.
I know there's all that, but there's also people who just
have a life of misery and then die.
Yes, there is. But no one's ever lived a
perfect life. I don't think anyone's lived the
unperfect life. I think.
I think it's just balance, bro. I think it just comes and goes.
Yeah, I know. But then we've spoke about how
far it can go, how far it can gobefore you've got to go.
(15:32):
This isn't funny anymore. Do you know what I mean?
What do you mean? That you've got to look like
something that that's not funny anymore, because going low is
funny in it. Oh yeah, of course we've all
beat. Our mates are fucking still
there, some of us, you know whatI mean.
The guy had that conversation with with, with, with Kane as
well when I was, I was doing histour sports.
I do tour sport for quite a lot of people now and and and just.
(15:57):
Came browser. Yeah, yeah.
And I was saying to him about the idea of being like, yeah,
but it's funny, the guy who stood in the corner after 25
years, nothing. And then he was like, yeah, but
you, you can't, it can't. You can't ask.
You have to draw a line, You know what I mean?
Which is what we said. I'll, I'll give up.
We'll draw. A line so much that you get like
this, right? Although this is funny.
Now you have to you have to go. This can't be me do.
(16:20):
You. Know what I mean?
Yeah, I get what you mean. I get with some people like
who've who've been on the circuit, like we've met them,
who've been on the same for 25 years and.
Well, I've like, I've like, I'vejoked about saying you know your
dad gigs in Bay windows in Derby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Wednesdays.
Not you get at school getting bullied.
Yeah, because your dad gigs at the club, Do you?
(16:41):
Know what I mean? Like you got.
My mum and dad said he's seen your dad in a tent last night.
Oh yeah, that's. Are you your dad does the
raffle? Yeah, your dad gigs in Bay
windows, like in a cafe. You're thinking that can't be.
You can't. Do you know what I mean?
You've got to call it a day in the cafe.
You've got you've got kids, haven't you?
A kid, Those little kids? Yeah, kid.
(17:02):
And I can't. I've got it's a race to get out
of that. Does she know what you do?
I don't know yet. She don't.
You don't know she knows. But there's a second, there's a,
there's an egg timer on on this career.
Now you've got, you've got what they're self aware at 1314 and
they could potentially be onlinethen.
So there's 60. Online, you've got a lot of
(17:24):
land, haven't you? Well.
Yes, what I mean, so there's like it feels like there's 5
five years left before I ever have to go white collar, blue
collar or or. Whatever else, what if you go to
a parent's evening when she's inlike year nine and the teacher
recognises you for a bit? Oh, do you have that time when
you're? Gonged Dad, you just you never.
(17:45):
Got this is this is this is thisis the thing.
But that's the thing though, isn't it?
Like you go like, like some people start this when they've
got kids that are old enough to actually accept.
Like, like, I couldn't imagine that.
Like imagine if you were 17. Oh, my dad's off to do beat the
frog and then your dad just beatthe front like.
(18:08):
And he comes over and he goes, yeah, I was his dad.
And he goes. Lasted one minute.
And he's like. Tough crowd, son.
Yeah, shut up, Dad. But like a loser.
But it'd be interesting to hear from somebody who's a kid whose
dad started comedy when they were like 1718 and they knew
(18:30):
what they were going to do and how they felt about it.
Like how would you feel if your dad started doing stand up now?
He's going to start so your dad would smash.
He's a loser. Fat loser he is.
Would he smash it to like a certain demographic?
Yeah, right. So you stick him in a in a cafe.
In mid Lincoln in the bar. Cafe in Lincoln.
(18:50):
Stick him in the bar, not water.That he's a smasher, right?
But if you have to put him in a.He's not going down middle
class. Lincoln or no?
Not. Not like that, no.
Joe that ever do it? No, he's funny like, but he's
not stand up for. Me.
No, he. Stutters too much, so he's
stutters when he's nervous like.What you do if you start to do
it all? He gets nervous.
(19:11):
So Joe, like say we're going foran Indian like meal and that
yeah, the guy will come round and you want to take orders, you
go. All the time.
Yeah, he's like Danny. When he orders, he can't get the
words out. Gets to.
What have you got a service? I'm just nervous around.
You say that I've always dad. It's not nice.
It's not nice to say that dad's not a loser's Dad created a
(19:35):
successful comedian. You bet me that, aren't you?
Yeah, I made that at the Waldorfat.
The Waldorf, Yeah. Died on me that gig.
Fucking hell you're MC in it. Is your dad supportive of it?
No, Doesn't like it. Well, there's a lot of history
there. There's a lot of history there.
Oh, there's got time I. Don't know.
(19:57):
We got too much time. Yeah, No, no, no, no, because
obviously there's a lot of history with the football and
everything, you know, and that was that.
Because it make it. Because they didn't make it and
there was a lot of, there was a lot of abuse with the football
and that that and then so like, it's like, you just know, you
know what I said, just don't youfucking dare get involved with
(20:18):
this. And he's respected that.
Because I felt the. Abuse he put me through and
then. Why would you?
Would you like a project on BAPItoo kind of thing.
Yeah, Well, I think he had a lot, a lot to pay off.
So he needed me to Yeah, You know, because a lot of I think a
lot of men of that generation probably sought the as a way of
(20:38):
to create wealth. Now is if they're true, because.
Of football and all the singer. Yeah, that's.
Where you get the forceful parents, don't you?
Because it's more to do that they want.
Because we we was born in aroundSky TV and they see the money
exploding. You know what I mean?
Like I need to get my kid. So why they do they're doing it?
I'm in darts. Fortunate 7 years to play darts
(20:58):
because it seems more achievablethan football, don't it?
Yeah. That's bad the.
Academies. The academies now fly under
sevens darts. Yeah, and the kids are?
Under the sevens darts. And the kids are and the the
parents are proper like fucking,you know, intense on it.
Like football. Russian gymnast.
(21:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saint Helen's darts.
So it's. Yeah.
Because it seems to. Change the sevens darts, man.
All the bars have made it in thepuff, yeah.
Surely you don't need like, I mean how many unders you need in
darts? Surely an under 10s would be
fine. Like like whoever's good under
(21:38):
10 can play like. It's not like there's a physical
well. Nobody.
Imagine a dial switch to 19 son.Yeah.
You got to switch. Down.
Yeah, fucking slow it, Martin. I don't really.
You've got. The ball get you fucking useless
cunt. I'd like to play darts again.
I'd like to put. I haven't got anywhere to put a
dartboard but which is sad in itreally.
(21:59):
At 33 you should be able to havesomewhere to put a.
Dartboard Shed. No, I'm a so I'm saving up for.
It's me. That's his bit, that's me bit.
Everyone's doing fucking bit stuff.
He's going to be funny. When you get that shed, you
don't feel like it's such a. Fucking now.
Can't get the shed now. I need that shed.
(22:19):
Give me 6 months, yeah. No the the under.
So how many age brackets does itgo from?
I think that's the youngest one.Yeah, so sevens, eights, nines,
it was like football. Well they have obviously
different catchments like under elevens and below.
So if you have like a shit out eight-year old, they can play
up, you know. That's going to be good if
(22:42):
there's like a 13 year old dartschampion, which they will be,
won't there? Yeah, there's some teenager olds
in Mensa, isn't there and all. That some some teenager like
battered a record the other week, last week.
Just someone throwing 9 darts before.
Are you getting on with it all? Right.
Yeah, I'm enjoying it. I'm not good.
Why you enjoy it? No, really.
(23:03):
Because you obviously famously, you know, can't use tin openers
and that. Yeah.
So dart. Yeah, surely master the tin
opener and then go. You know what?
Now try and take on the treble twin.
I'm not. Great, but I only play myself
so. Right.
And and are you can you you're good at grouping?
Are you getting close to treble 20 every time?
I've had 180. I've had one, yeah.
You hit a 180. Yeah, and I threw up for the
(23:24):
adrenaline. That's insane.
That is, that is good because I think if I ever hit a one. 80
nearly checked out 130 yesterday.
Did. You missed the ball, got you on
25 and I missed you. Left it all, right?
Right. And I missed double 19 for 155
trouble trouble 19 double 19 you.
Kidding me? No.
Seriously. That must have been fucking.
(23:46):
I got the 180 and threw up and tried.
To I'd start filming You see me.You see me blood?
Try. Right.
That's when get the 180. Wow I got adrenaline so much was
frobbing up and burst blood vessels in my head.
Out. Yeah.
Literally. Dad.
Yeah. His whole face that you look
like a zombie from. You know how you've been
smacked. Had you filmed it or something
or just. No.
You should film that. You should live stream.
(24:07):
That'd be good. Want me playing?
Dark. Yeah, you get some money for
that. I know it's just it's in the
bedroom. It's a bit intimate in it.
I don't. Want I was in the you got you
that was in the bedroom. Yeah, I know.
Roommate. Yeah.
I think you got she could ask Mrs. Was that well?
Washy's got his own fucking. Oh, so yeah, text wash all the
time, dear. Yeah, he's invited me.
Down while she was before, it looked like that was.
(24:27):
When you're when you're missus that you put in the bedroom.
No, not in the same bedroom. I'm I'm up in the top floor.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Why you put it there?
Not I'm not, No, I've got I can't meet.
I can't. I can't play that.
I can't play the last. Thing I I I don't do any in the
first sleep. Now you have got a child.
I'm depressed like I don't, I just sleep.
(24:48):
Good, it's good. It's really I get stressed and I
like to play darts to. Yeah, because when when lately
did that, I was thinking like itwould be a good one because
there's no real age limit. It's that you can play dot
master it in 15 years maybe. So it's tempting you don't want.
You don't want your kids to be like that.
Oh, mum was. His dad at a gig tonight playing
darts and she's like, no. No, she's playing darts in the
(25:09):
spare. Room.
No, that's more. That's more respectable than
going to a Spicy Mike gig at 40.Where's Dad?
He's playing darts in his. Room don't know because listen,
you know, cash in it, you know what I mean?
Because you you could something you could play with your kid.
Do you have a game with UK? Yeah, you couldn't do stand up
with your kid, could you? Why not?
I imagine dying in front of yourkid man dying on your ass and a
(25:34):
walk out. Yeah, I, I, I don't really.
And. Arguing with the promoter in
front of your kid, He said e-mail on he said cash on the
e-mail, no back. So how?
Do you make it? How's this?
Dad, you should be getting McDonald's on the way back when
we can have a McDonald's when wehave the backs.
(25:54):
Yeah, just waiting to see if I get a gay.
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Yeah, So what are you going to do with the darts?
You're just enjoying it. Yeah, I was going to join the
dart, the Dabbers Darts team, Dabbers Darts League, but we
it's on Wednesdays and it's on we record so.
This comes first. I might do it like you're in the
(27:20):
year. What's what's the dabbers dart?
Is that a pub team or something?No, you play on yourself, but
there's different divisions. There's like 6 divisions.
So you go. And yourself, Well, no, you're
playing any sort of people or you're not.
It's not like a pub. It's not a team, right?
Yeah. So you go down and one night you
do. It's called seeding night.
It's not a pub. Yeah, it's a pub, but it's not a
(27:41):
pub team. Yeah, you're just yourself.
Yeah, OK. It's in the mall bank and they
call it the Molly Polly. Oh no.
Oh my. God, so the Molly, Polly, oh.
This is just the sad, stinking version.
And you go down on seeding nightand you throw, you throw 10
(28:02):
dart, you throw no, you throw 9 darts and you get your average
score. And that determines what
division you're in, right? So I'd probably be in division 5
or 6. One throw 9 darts.
Yeah, because what I'd do is if I was good, I'd just throw the
wall at 1:00 and. When bottom 6.
And they go on bottom 6 would bea champion of bottom 6.
Shit, no, you don't know. No, you won't test yourself,
isn't it? No, you won't.
You won't what you're doing. So we've been Instagram.
(28:24):
I'm not be honest. It's what all you do.
No, you want to. You want to go in.
Darts League 6. You gonna properly you're going
to throw 9 darts, get no score to be in the bottom set?
Yeah, just so you can try and win bottom sets.
Yeah, that's like you're dropping out to gong, so it's
just to win. Yeah, of course.
Not a bad idea. OK, nine stars.
(28:49):
You beat your frogs there in a row.
I just talk like I'm the only intention seeker here with all
attention seekers. Yeah, but you don't, you don't
want, but there's no money in that.
You're doing it for money. Everything you're doing is for
money. If.
I put a picture on Instagram andI've got me fucking Tony the
barrel casualties she's doing iton Yeah and I've got trophy
saying winner of Dabas last week.
Six birds are going to. Need the battle?
Is that your name? Yeah, birds will drop it.
(29:10):
Jimmy DM saying well done, they're going to say
congratulations the bottle. Hit my bull's eye, yeah.
Let's be honest. Congratulations about let's fuck
it up. Sick of coming here for three
years. There's a lion.
No bad, there's a lions I can do5 or 6 anyway.
I'm all after cheek that. Should be heavy now if you if
(29:33):
you. Yeah, it's up in the bottom
side. Still has.
I'm finishing. Runner up probably be one of the
worst players there. They've all been playing for
years. I haven't, do you know what I
mean? Yeah, but you could easily throw
everyone hits one. You're still in that level,
aren't you? You could eat it goes 515.
So even even bottom set's going to be I'm going to be a meth
(29:56):
and. Then to do it Premier League
format Joe like the winner get you have 1/4 final semi final
and a final money at the end andthen the Champions get you pay 2
lbs Subs every week and that's the part.
Oh God, so there's money at the end.
Yeah, yeah, it's not a lot like,but.
She quits Daddy. I don't.
(30:17):
Think she quits bro. Have you paid yourself?
Have you paid yourself? No, the podcasters not paying
yet. I can have some blonde tick.
No. Sorry Roddy, I owe 3 weeks.
For the please to pay the podcast money, No wants to get
involved in snooker quite like that.
Do you think it's hard? I think there's something about
(30:38):
darts which seems more. It seems like achievable, yeah.
It looks easy though. That's why people play and then
when after a few hours like thisis fucking hard fucked.
It's not just. Boring.
It's it's mind numbingly boring,I think.
Oh, 'cause Taylor was doing what, 14 hours in the garage?
You could, though. It's like when Ronnie
O'Sullivan, would you see that, that, that.
Thing when he did, you see that I saw a thing when he that 147
(31:00):
he did. 5 1/2 minutes. No, when he just he sees the
table, he goes. What's the price for one?
470 Yeah, he's an. Autism of that.
He's like you there. Is unbelievable kind of
composition me and I've. Got to do and what's the money?
7 minutes, 10 grand sound. So class when he pops that first
(31:22):
drove it goes to the ref. I would choose the ball 470 and
the ref starts laughing. I think he's being funny.
He goes. No, seriously, how much is it?
Yeah, I'll go, he goes. Wait. 10,000 lbs Ronnie.
Yeah, he goes pocket change. What's?
All the balls wasn't 10. Leaves the black.
Boy in the end says not some change.
It's not an old fans called Nah do it Ronnie Cos.
(31:46):
Pony bangs in. And then he's.
Disastrous I. Think it's a joke?
It's a joke, he goes. It's like it's a joke.
No one could do that with, but you'll never do that, and darts
will, you know. He's the goal.
Mate, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get like, yeah. 60
grand yeah yeah yeah. In the World Championships.
(32:06):
So if you get 9 jobs. Open up, doesn't it?
No. So if you get 9 in the World
Championships this year they dida thing for prostate cancer.
So yes. So the the person who got the
nine data gets 60 grand, 60 grand goes to charity and
someone in the audience from 60 grand at random and this guy won
it who got a spare ticket and hewon 60 grand.
(32:26):
Wow, someone couldn't make it because that's to work.
Give it his mate 160 bags. But yeah.
He would have to source his mateout, wouldn't?
He right now then people in the darts on model day there,
they're getting loaded. We're hitting the wives and
everything. Yeah, the the which, but no one
(32:47):
will ever be able to do it because you look at Ronnie go
and I can do a 147 at the way that's set up.
Whereas darts I don't think you'll ever be able to just know
you're going to throw a nine darts.
Do you want me? Think you feel informed though?
But people have said that, haven't they?
They gone. What's the hardest one to do is
hold them 19 darts or 14714? Seven and Sean is it though, do
(33:07):
you know Sean Murphy just a goodplayer.
He looks a. Mate of mine, isn't he?
Looks a bit like me. Good mate of mine, me and Sean.
Shut up, man. The Magician.
Me folks with me and Sean. Oh, yeah.
Can you show me if we go about wait long?
Yeah. Fuck off 100%.
Well, show me if, he said. I think I'm the only one that's
(33:28):
done all three. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's funny. And then and then they show.
Then they did that challenge, didn't they, The 147 hole in 19
dart challenge. Yeah, Sean Murphy gets a 147.
So he has to move on to darts. And he said he's had a nine
dart. He throws his first night goals
in nine. He's a fraud.
Like from miles away. Have you heard him?
(33:48):
Met him, yeah. Met him friends.
Why don't you believe it? Look, there we are, back in the
day. Oh.
OK, well. Me and Sean.
When's that, 2015? I've known for each but he
doesn't speak to me anymore. Is that when you used to get?
Why? Didn't you talk to you?
Was that was that from when you got your head shot?
Come on, I. Can't go into it, I can't say.
(34:11):
But Sean, you know, you know is.That when you have them had
shots done. No, no, no, no.
Oh yeah, that one. No, that was way before that was
probably. I was, I was, I was there.
I was 30303333. You thought?
You was getting some ad shots and that what you thought you
was bad man Getting ad shots when?
You I needed them. No, you thought.
(34:33):
You were bad. You when?
Did I need? What did I need them for?
I can't remember, but you thought you was bad getting them
around me. What do you mean bad getting
them do? You want to be.
It was. I'm alright, thanks, I've got
work later. Where are you at?
Here something for me now working.
Oh, Jamie. Yeah, we're professional, Yeah.
Oh yeah. Why would you think it is?
(34:53):
You're working as well. Hello we do we get a drink on
the job? No, not if you're professional,
not do. You already take after geeks
here got. To stay sober, yeah.
Because I had I'm. I'm bad.
So I've come out as a full alcoholic now.
You are the nations favorite alcoholic I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. UKF favorite comic.
So, my friends, you've come to watch me and you've been on the
(35:13):
same bill of them become fans ofyours and they like you or them.
You know she's mad. They all know.
What they like? Are they nice to look at or they
pleasant the pleasant to be around?
Not the really like underground,you know, like dodgy kids.
Yeah, yeah, they, they, they always send me.
Your eyes, well, they got both working eyes and that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right then.
They they, they send me both eyes.
(35:36):
They send me your story most. Nice.
I don't like you, don't want to hard fans.
Yeah, they send me your story. Most like saying like he's sick
of yeah. I'm like, no, he's sad, Yeah.
He's sick. He's actually sick.
Yeah, no, yeah, no alcoholic nowthe.
Stack do on it, the stack do they 86 of the stack do.
(35:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it. Yeah, 'cause it's yeah, just
'cause when I. Left you, still got people
messaging you if everything's alright.
Yeah, but I don't put me drinking online anymore because
it's become like, it's not like it's not fun anymore.
It's a problem now. So like I've come up.
You still do it though. It is because, yeah, but you've
got no responsibilities. What dog?
(36:18):
Oh fuck. Off dog.
Come on, you know that's not a risk.
How long would you cry for if that dog died?
You'd cry when it was getting put down because it's sad to see
a dog die because I've been there.
But you'd be sound after two days after.
(36:40):
Two days ago. Yeah.
You ever seen a dog? Die Sadman.
(37:10):
I've had dogs. Have you seen a dog die?
No, but I've got 2 and I, it's like hopefully like 10 years
away that they're going to die and I'm dreading everything.
You're going to have to. You're going.
To have to. I've had dogs put down but I've
never got. I've never seen it because it
was. Oh, you just let it go in the
room? I was young.
We were like, yeah, yeah, I was a pussy.
Oh you shit out at all? Poor dog die alone in the vets.
I wasn't lonely, that was there.Your dad?
(37:31):
When I was younger, your dad went in.
Did he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was he coming out? Did he cry?
Yeah, he did actually. Yeah.
Yeah. Sad man, it was a family dogma
elephant he was. How long the how long the dog?
I had two dogs die, 1818 pugs. Leaves are old English sheepdog.
Like a Jewelux dog. You know that?
Oh, yeah. Nice.
That was our family dog. That that was sad.
That was sad. And then I got a what are they
(37:55):
called? That's not a Japanese Nikita
Husky. I had a Husky called Tia.
She was forged. She died with a heart effect.
Oh shit, woke what? You went downstairs and she was
dead? Or did you have to put it down?
No, I had to put it down. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, that was about, that was,
that was not. That was about 15 years ago, so.
(38:16):
How are you finding having a doghappy?
Yeah, sound, it's all right. Not going to stick it in the
rescue or anything there, no. Do you walk away?
What do you walk? No remarks it.
You ain't going to walk. Shut the kitchen door on it.
Not upstairs do. You like?
(38:38):
Just feed it to. Anyone.
He don't give a fuck. I tickle the dog.
Yeah, yeah. Have you got a dog?
No, no, I had one dog. You had one?
Yeah. You're not going to get a.
Family home. Family home.
Yeah. We had it when I was small.
Yeah. Sad.
(38:58):
My my family name is your family.
Are they? Yeah, we, we, we, we, we know
your cousins. Yeah, yeah.
Nice, nice, nice couple. Which ones?
I don't I don't like naming. Do I own pods, don't like
naming. But Oh yeah, you know, you know,
G even to G and the. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, say his name. I just couldn't think of his his
(39:21):
wife's name. Yeah, that.
That's my uncle. What's his wife's name?
That's it. Yeah.
Lovely couple. Nice house.
It sure is. Yeah, you've been what you've
been. When I was younger, yeah, both.
It's style. It's like distance family, you
know what I mean? They're not cuddles, are they?
No. So they're like this, not like
(39:42):
distance family. So you see them at fucking
weddings and funerals both. Every time see them, it's like,
you know, we've seen each other yesterday.
Lovely, lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sad that isn't sometimes, you know, when you see people of
family funerals and weddings andyou think you know and you
always make plans. You say let's make sure it
doesn't happen. We'll see each other, make sure
it's not our next funeral or wedding and then you just don't.
(40:03):
So then. You want to die in your family
weekly recently. We've been, we've been pretty
Lucky's touch with, yeah, the last death.
There's not done in a while. Close like one that actually
like you need to like No, not. Not a big one.
When I was on tour, my uncle passed away when I was in
(40:23):
Belfast, yeah. Of course.
You posted about that. Yeah, that's a big one.
That was the. Closest one?
Yeah, most recent. That was a sad.
That was a sad 1 when? I Do you ever think about your
own funeral? I do sometimes.
No, but I'm thinking about aboutlosing a parent soon.
I don't know when, but like I think it's.
I don't know how I'm going to react to that.
(40:44):
Yeah, I've got a bit about that now.
Have you OK? When you're on golf and you're
like, pissed the missus off and you're upstairs and the only way
out of it is if a parent dies inthe next half hour, right.
Rather than facial responsibilities, Yeah.
When you get a kid, that'll go. What?
Because bigger things. Bigger things than your mum
died, Yeah. What?
(41:06):
Being on go over. No, but like.
Yeah, but if he was on go over, you had to take your kid to
swimming. Yeah.
And your mum died. You'd get fast.
Well, you start to take the kidsthrough it, weren't you?
No. You know you wouldn't, you
wouldn't go swimming now. You won't go swimming.
You'd put your pool swimming. Yeah, he's pool swimming.
Yeah. Swimming Monday night, No.
(41:27):
Sorry Dad, and want to go to thebats.
You know what I mean? Kids can't process stuff like
that. I can't.
Well, they can I. Think so.
It's heartbreaking. We had we we someone like
actually, yeah, but misses. His granddad died recently and
then that was that was heartbreaking to break to a kid.
Oh, was he? Yeah.
So Foot knows what. We're like, I thought he'd just
be like a little bit like, oh. No, no, no.
(41:49):
They're the they know they're quite switched on like.
Yeah, not all kids. There's some fucking flids out
there, isn't he? There's some fucking head the
balls. Yeah.
Like, I don't know your kid. I don't know your kid would be
quite smart. Switched on board.
Like he was like a little Jamie Hutchinson.
I'm 90s. Why me?
Why is he a better dad than me? Fuck off.
(42:10):
He's he's switched on a. Really good dad not.
Often you he's emotionally entirely. 95 but you in 95 was a
fucking just head the ball. I don't know.
I was quiet, I was dead smart mate.
I got picked to do that uni university study.
Yeah. And I was like a that was on
your background. No, yeah, but because I was
smart. That's because smart kids from
(42:31):
accountants, not because we, youknow, and a thick kid from.
Yeah, but he's he's, he's not. He's smart, clever, shrewd
businessman. Numbers don't lie.
Yeah, he's doing really well. He's not.
Skin. I'm skin, lad.
I've had to ask, I've had to ask.
(42:51):
Crave for an advance? There you go.
For this month. You think it's bad lad?
It's fucking mad out here bro. I don't.
Think you can't? You can't be.
It's his own fault you. Just don't.
You mean online banking. I'm fucking skin, Brev.
He's good at poker. He's fucking not.
That's where all the savings have gone.
(43:12):
So fucking mr888.com. Bet 365 ain't.
It all gone bro fucked her. Got one on holiday in two weeks
as well. You go on holiday in two weeks.
Mad darn it about Cheltenham in there on holiday.
Where you go on holiday? Barcelona.
Fuck off lad. You can't skip me skin.
Yeah, it's already paid for. What about?
(43:34):
What about this? What about This is why we're
here now. What about, oh, This is why
we're being recorded? Oh, wow.
Right. What we've been recording lows
lately was yeah, I'm thinking, what are these?
Just wanted to get some break. For you, isn't it?
Yeah, you get a week off. I want you due to have some time
off late. Oh, thanks.
You might need to do a little. You might need to steal her gas.
Patreon. Oh, me actually, if someone
(43:55):
else. No, no, no, I'm alright.
I've got. I'm alright.
What you do next Monday? You have more with this.
Ask. Ask about the fee, man.
What's the fee? Fees going?
No, Forget those things. Sure.
(44:18):
Dividends when you go in Boston next week.
No to 17th, 17th for March. Long weekend.
Monday to Wednesday. Nice.
Before you wait for the live show then the same that we can't
be fucking I'm away. The only thing that are keeping
us going live shows I'm. Away for one.
I'm away for the 28th of March. Fucking.
Hell, what? Sorry about this mate we we're
(44:38):
talking about. 20th of March, That's that's Friday.
Yeah, yeah, Friday the 28th of March.
So you're doing the live show Friday.
What you're doing the I'm? Doing the yeah tomorrow, 28th of
March. I'm not.
Yeah. I've got a week, I've got a day
off that one. You going anywhere?
Yeah, I'm going away on the Whenare you going away?
Barcelona. 17, yeah. I want to.
(45:02):
Go. I'm just.
Going to go away. I want to go Wales or something.
Wales. I've got a girl.
I've got a girl. I've each piece of some girls, a
girl. Hi girl.
Oh, we had to. We've got this woman coming.
Stay, stay in our house. You have.
To look after the dog. Do you want me to go away?
You hire the nanny for the dog, Yeah.
(45:24):
So you stick it in a kennel? You won't have it.
Right. Because it's just come off its
heat and that. So we've got a minute.
You've got a nanny for the dog. Yeah, she's got to stay in, live
in. Wow, is she old or young?
She's like 2 years old and Lauren doing the same school so
she's got to stay in my bed. Is she is?
She's a friend, not. Really.
(45:45):
She's not my she's. A friend though.
Long, his friend. Hey, she does it professionally.
I'm going to I'm going to hub meyours.
Yeah, and I'll be like, she likeI'm like Jamie Lonia.
She be like, Oh no, I'm like, ohGod, I totally forgot I was
(46:06):
meant to stay over this weekend.And then being here, we'll just
fuck. And then she'll ring.
Lauren. She's going to get along.
She's married. Oh, she.
Fair enough. He's not going to live in there.
He got ringed over. No.
You get one. No, we've got a camp.
We've got a dog camp. Right.
(46:28):
Where's the dog camp? In the living room, a little
Willy camp because I play darts.Can you hear me?
Of a day, yeah, yeah. Yeah, these few are.
Dangerous stuff bro. She'll.
Know. She'll know.
She'll know. Yeah, yeah, I hope the camera
has been moved. Right, got the new floor in as
(46:51):
well. New floor.
Yeah, that's fine. Well.
How'd you find the hard floor? You're carpet, didn't you?
Yeah, but the dog, because she keeps digging holes in the
garden. Shuttle floods?
What? How'd you find the hard floor?
Shuttle? How'd you find the hard floor?
(47:13):
You like carpet, didn't you? Fuck off.
You know what? Why?
Why is that? But.
We asked the questions. This is our pop.
Come around here. It's all like fucking DIY.
And now what the fuck, man? This is a comedy podcast.
It's going somewhere all right. The guy was a bit awkward.
(47:33):
Because he sent a video of the guy fitting the floor.
Oh no, we weren't him. We didn't use.
It a racist man. Was fishing.
We didn't use. We didn't use him.
Oh, we got. No, we didn't use him.
He came out for a quote, yeah. And he was just talking.
He kind of like half knew who itwas and just you have to get him
(47:53):
over the line. Who was the black lad at the
Frog in Bucky? Yeah, there were a black fellow
at the Frog in Bucket. He'd be great.
I miss that chummy, but I was me.
But we didn't use the music. It's that nice bloke and I
ordered him a pie and sausage roll and that.
You all do a pint for. Sure, Yeah, yeah.
I was getting one myself. So I was when I can't leave him
out, I kind of went drop a pilotfor didn't he went.
(48:16):
What that guy you've? No, not the racist.
Guy no and I the the he didn't. Use him he was quote was too
much give me. A quote and you got him a pint,
so you know. No, someone else.
Sorry, sorry that I was just really bad.
Didn't quote go round, didn't we?
Were quotes? No, no, no, no.
Fucking me didn't get me did I paid someone, someone gave us.
A quote we didn't use. It and dump.
That dump will be after you. Cowboy changes the steak Bake
(48:40):
stealer. Tony.
Tony, you're close. Bobbies over the steak.
Bake some some. Some crumbs out of your mouth
there, sorry. Over over 14 grams worth of
(49:08):
state bases he's. 11 years, we've seen him in a ton in
Derby, he's played. For MSN News being.
Oh God. Is Tony trying to quote a
Wetherspoons? Race the runner, raise the
(49:35):
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The guy come down to he was actually doing the floor.
(50:39):
So we got a mistake pairing thatwas just chatting and he
mentioned his son and it was my,it was my birthday.
So, Oh, yeah, it's my birthday tomorrow.
How old are you, 34 how much runs?
34 went Oh, did he follow him into the floor again?
He went, no, he did. He was a skiing instructor for a
bit of joy and went fucking hell, skiing instructor.
He must be doing well then. And he went, oh, no, no, no, no,
(51:01):
no, no. He's he got, he got quite bad
into heroin and stuff. We've not, he's not seen his
daughter in six years. And then we just saw like.
Silence. Well, in the steam of.
It just silently in the pipe. But where do you go from here?
(51:24):
And then Lawrence. Was still robbing me that being
I told him to fucking be on beatthe frogland.
Fuck that and. Lawrence after you.
But why did you ask me if he's into the floor game?
What do you mean? That I was, I was saying,
excuse, you don't do well then. Doing well then no, no, we got
banished. He's.
Dick, it's a heroin. Don't see the story?
(51:45):
Fucking hell I would. Just a pie.
Yeah, modern. Away I was.
Just thinking that's about the hard floor, just because I think
carpets cozy, isn't it? Take what back what I said there
me. Thank you.
You got hard. That was probably.
The best of the podcast. Have you got Yeah, Charlie?
She went Yeah. So I make no worries.
Yeah, We had to get rid of it, though.
(52:06):
We had to get rid of the car. She, she was, she was messing it
up like. Yeah, I think it was.
Going to be a dog. Yeah, she was digging old.
Should this dog fucking say thatto be expensive then, aren't it?
The upkeep of a carpeted floor. Actually wrecked the garden as
well, Jamie. Yeah, that's getting reloaded as
well. Have you had any quotes that?
I'll. Come back tomorrow and give you
(52:29):
all the milk and. Nikki Flanagan and George's. 21
unit period. This is the Wild, the Whippers
15. Pounds.
Yeah, it's called a Suano, yes. That's good, that's good.
That's good value. That.
Yeah, that. Is good value.
You'd pay for it on the. First night.
Yeah, I would. I'm going.
To put I'm going to I'll. Give Yeah.
(52:50):
Definitely Allison. I'm putting on my best today.
Yeah, I've got that. I'm good.
I've got some. Fucking good, good jokes.
Have you been right in lately? Was that one I said like I like
to yours? Yeah.
I don't know all of them. Was.
What you did was what you are, something you did around
Christmas. Oh, what did I?
(53:11):
Do you granted to call your granddad?
So what did I do for your grand,you know?
Margaret, you got a Did I do howSmith fetch me an old book?
That was it. Oh yeah, it was.
A bit about driving, but I did it later in sex.
Oh no. Well, that was a new building.
Oh fucker, who cares? Yeah, he's asked.
I'm not watching it again. Yeah.
(53:32):
Do you Do you write? It on pad barely do you write
it? On your paddle, Your phone.
Yeah, Oh, oh. I'm I'm I'm old.
School me mate, I'm phone. I'm phone now go to paper.
Oh, do you? Yeah, the papers like when
you're. Using your phone.
And then your ideas in the phone.
In the In the paper. Cement on paper.
Yeah. I like you.
I like you. What?
About you, Jamie, are you writing?
Process. Just work it out on stage.
Yeah, he can. Afford to now Can't he just
(53:52):
work? It out on stage so you just go
on with an idea do. You have the punch.
Line ready or I work back. I've come up with a funny line.
I thought that's funny, that line I need to put in the
scenario I need to put it. In a stack scenario, yeah.
Sometime got some great lines. Though tonight, yeah, excited to
do them like it's the best time I've ever done them.
Like so I feel like I've done ita couple of times.
I'm doing. Nervous.
Bit nervous, are you useful? For watching my whip out just.
(54:14):
Because I want feedback. Oh no, I'll be back.
I'll be back making. Notes.
Yeah. You sat at the Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I won't be there. No, you'll be there.
I've got all the gig. No, you've not.
What's all you do in the break? See Tony Cameron.
Friends of the break And then you've got to watch me and write
notes. A lot of full reviews because if
we both compare the notes then see what.
Works and then we go right, thisworks.
He thought that was good. We that it's in you can move it
(54:37):
that in a different order. That's why they're still like
you're not asked. I no.
She's not asked I how. Long have you got 4540?
Five. Yeah, that's fine.
That's what you need, that's what.
You need nowadays, yeah. Yeah, it'll be fine.
You're doing 10 before me. You're you're coming back on,
(54:58):
aren't you? Listen, I don't know which.
Way you want me to do, I think. I think we'll just be in the
room from 12 for me. It's me just.
Going on explaining the show. MC and it's warming the crowd
upbringing was on do the house. The house rules.
I'll do the house. Rules no phone boy.
(55:19):
God man, how the fuck are? People paying that.
Much to listen to us three. Pontificate.
About fucking nothing. Yeah, well, I'll do the house
rules. Yeah, no, no, don't speak well.
(55:39):
The acts on the stage. Switch your phones off.
Oh, he's a good rules man. I'm a good rules man mate.
No nonsense if you want. If you want MC.
And I'll do a set I. Can't MC.
I'm not having him MC again. I drive it into the ground.
Within 6 minutes. Oh go on.
I only MC the big clubs. Very rarely.
Do you really, MC Yeah, yeah, I am.
(56:00):
I am see what the very. Big clubs, very rarely.
You're in a big club tonight mate, I know but.
Like but like my room, yeah. Like like what we mean middle.
Oh, sad. OK.
I'm in the bar. Oh yeah, it's funny that the
bar, yeah. Old 140.
So we do. Have a smallest one.
It's called the Band. It's like, guess the band, band,
(56:23):
band, yeah. Well, what?
What we what wherever. This week's pod show band you
haven't sold. Seat out of tickets so you're in
the. Band, Band.
Not even the band Band. It's just a noise in it.
(56:43):
There you go. Fucking get in there.
And what we? What we talking?
I'll, I'll just talk about the structure tonight.
Boys, listen, I'm the host, so I'll I'll get on there.
I'll do me 10 minutes to me cloud work.
What are you saying about work out of the house rules bring was
on was the 2020 side 20 and thenyou come then am I, am I?
(57:04):
Then I'll come back on. Right.
Give it up for fuck. Up sound be in the room.
Be in the room for 14 then. Oh, what should you all set me?
Yeah, I've been in the room. For 14 and then and.
Then I want to go right to soundfor a break.
We have our break and we go. So I guess it's the bad stuff.
You explain. I'm doing 40.
And it went, went holds it come back on.
Yeah, I come back on an hour 3, an hour ten, I reckon I.
(57:24):
Come on after the break. Yeah, I do.
Two minutes, you know, just getting them, make sure
everyone's fucking seated that. Are you doing a full NMC job?
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking hell mate. Hello.
Listen, I'm not. Even charging.
Well, come on. Listen, we've all.
Got to eat some we. Yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah, no one's here for free.
(57:46):
He's not done any quotes this week.
That was it, the hard floor. It's hard floor sound, yeah.
Because the carpet in is. Comfy.
Yeah, that's what I was going to.
You can't hard floor carpet. I want my dad's couch at the
moment. Miss are.
You not, oh, you're not in the fly anymore?
(58:07):
No, no. No, because it's the landlord
solder. That's how long you been.
It's brand new hard floor as well.
So they go to the boat, see, because you can't really RIP
that up and take it with you because it's not cosy.
Is it the hard floor? Your dad's?
Couch No. Hard floor.
Oh yeah, no, I like you can see it's.
Easy, clean. But what?
I mean, yeah, it's practical, but it's not comfy.
(58:28):
Yeah, the carpet really is a new.
Carpet is, you know, when it's cold, when it's cold.
Winter cold and you and on them floorboards, man, floorboards.
You don't like floorboards, I mean.
Like the fucking? Like the flamin flooring what
you when it's cold and I'm near cold, you know what I mean?
Where carpets a bit warmer in it.
You know what I mean? See are you, are you 4 carpet
(58:49):
or? Four I'm 4 carpets but I have.
Labrador flooring, because it's E It's Lab.
Lazy. It's practical.
Yeah. Practical.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's all about practicality talking.
About and I'll talk about when you need to.
Clean baths and showers are justnot practical.
When you need to clean up fucking Siggy Ash on the.
(59:10):
Carpets and fucking coat bags. It's easy to wipe them up on a
on a laminar floor I think. Fucking Siggy Ash on me.
Fucking are you a smoking inside?
Family an empty Coke bags what smoking inside?
Family. Oh I wish, I don't give a fight.
Smoke anywhere I want. He smokes having a shit, which I
still think's mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a bit,
(59:32):
yeah. I have a bit having a shit
though, but he's having a shit. I've flicked the ash in the
sink. I have a coffee.
I have a coffee. I have a.
Coffee having a shit do. You know, I get it in the input.
It's not really. Because when I shit that I love,
I'm pooing. I light up a bif there.
So there's not I was it on hygiene.
I'm not like wiping and average.Yeah, that's because I do it
(59:53):
with a coffee. How do you think?
Yeah, I have a brave. You have a you.
Take the coffee and. Prove.
Sit down, I'm in shit interest there.
There's nothing better just down.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Naked. Naked, there's nothing better.
Just having a. Sip of a Peru and I was.
Waiting for it and and and. Alright, so you'll.
Go on the toilet before you havethe thing 'cause you know it's
(01:00:14):
gonna come. I just, I don't even need it.
I'm just like it's. It's yeah, I get it.
I get pins and needles in. My legs feels.
Nice, feels nice. I get sitting on the.
Toilet something to. Do yeah, it's just like, yeah,
you go. I just go to sit on the toilet
now. It's too loud to hear.
It's like fucking what is my life?
(01:00:39):
There's too much going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I.
Don't like this? Yeah.
I'll say don't forget we've. Got that thing on.
Saturday afternoon. Where I've got to go there and
you've got to be up for the dog and take that.
And then, oh, by the way, we've only got that thing from.
Let me just have a shit first. Yeah.
And you sit down. And just squeeze something out,
yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just like smoking. So in the house though, like,
(01:01:02):
are you just smoke it on the couch in in the everywhere?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
I have the window open right? Is your dad?
Smoking. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, now. Oh, now what do you?
Mean like, well, the flat. The flat air big, you know.
Sky sky, sky sky thing. Will you go?
(01:01:24):
Skylight, skylight windows. OK so you pull off, leave a
thing and it'll be a massive dadsuit with them in the living
room. So you just open them?
I don't. Feel on Patreon Oh yeah I forgot
Sasha get it done we I. Forgot to say we do.
Hi, Paul. Who's that?
(01:01:46):
Fuck off. Who's that?
It's it's your podcast. Co host Oh it's not team.
Is it during his fraud course? It's lesson 6, how to put your.
Foot on the Wall Outrage Lesson 7.
(01:02:06):
Wozniaks. Beat, we can split it up you.
Can have that. 20 seconds How toclaim a parallel thinking?
Yeah, yeah. So hang on a minute, you hard.
Floors or carpets? Hard floors?
(01:02:27):
Oh, I'm downstairs. Carpet in a bedroom carpet.
Is all. Often, yeah.
Carpet upstairs. Yeah, but I'd like the the
carpet's just a nice. It's just cosier.
But it does get dirty. What's your comedy ick?
Comedy ick bit. This is our.
This is our. Section We do comedy.
It's comedy, ick time, things that make you go.
(01:02:57):
By people who hold the mic like that.
And stuff like just hold it too.Loud.
So it's like wobbling. Just little things like.
That that can be a bit annoying to watch, but.
I used to. I used to do that a bit earlier
on, holding it that far down. I think it makes it look as
though you're a little bit more blase with it all.
But now I like to try and go a bit higher up to try and oozie.
(01:03:21):
We don't all. Right.
Well, accommodate. They have any to be honest with
you. Nothing.
Just nothing about lying Hound, right?
That's podcast on good Simon. Another one podcast, so watch.
That comedy on Instagram, that Sam was not comedy.
(01:03:43):
Another one. Podcast going on tour 2026 and
also keep an eye out of your local pubs if.
They've got tents which I Wozniak might be there.
Let us know there might be as well and let us know in the
comments are. You are you hard flowing or
carpet guy or girls right. You've had your film now.
(01:04:13):
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manscape.com. Let's get into the episode.
You got to be a bear, please. Yeah.
Don't mind. What?
Just your safe turn, please. Yeah.
(03:19):
Let's keep it fresh bro. Lads on tonight eh?
Hopefully airlines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 15 lbs You'll
save me more like if. Off that in it last me, you and
whoever's in the building gotta get into 35 minutes.
It was in the calibrate. It was like, so I was doing it
then I might just get to 35 minutes first half, so it was.
(03:41):
In itself, yeah. To 837 lads.
See what happens. You coming back on after me?
Yeah, What you're coming back on, aren't you?
Yeah, just MC it me. I just thought that means an MC
extra dollar card on me. Don't these was on the phone
like for new? Stuff I've got as well and all
my fans, I just see this new stuff I'm doing.
Have you got some new stuff here?
Loads. I've.
Been fucking writing me loads like that.
(04:01):
Yeah, so you can't put me on. Some viral phone.
Buy pads bro. Oh yeah, he's analog.
Just yeah. Yeah, gold meat.
That's for days, Brett. Yeah.
Rustano. Yeah, let's go been.
Recorded yeah, for a minute now OK welcome back to the podcast
(04:22):
then ladies and gentlemen, we have a returning guest, one of
our favourite our meet our our colleague Mr. Simon, wasn't it
welcome back it's. Good to be back third time.
Third time is it? Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Trick.
Yeah, you do remember his prediction on the first one?
What was it? Someone's going to end up in
chalk. Start to be for this, yeah.
(04:43):
No, we didn't. Start to be.
There's some did come on with a gun, yeah.
Yeah. They're all comedy ones.
There were People are dying in America because of the American
hip hop that no jumper that I watch.
Then people die because of them.That's in the different world to
this, isn't it? But I hope this world goes this
way soon. It's too nice here mates.
It's like everyone slags, shove off behind the back, face to
(05:04):
face. Everyone think, oh, how's the
second that? You know what I mean?
Well, we, we, you just come backfrom the tents, haven't you?
Which is why you're 14 minutes late because you've been in
Derby car share with someone all.
Right. No, no, I've got a, I've got a
manager now, so every manager takes me, right?
It's the old Dorman. The Dorman who used to work a
Skeller. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(05:25):
yeah. He's told his manager.
Oh, he just takes you to say I thought it was tour only that.
Doesn't he does me diary for me and everything?
Oh, he does sake it as well. He gigged.
He gigged for me on Saturday. You know, he gigged for me in
Marple and you went yes. You did the Marvel, did you?
Sick love. Yeah.
It's not about Gig Fan. That's cool what we do.
(05:46):
I got a voice out of him like 8 minutes past eight.
What have you sent me to here? Chaos.
Raffles. The fellas, every team walked in
obviously, and they went. In the window.
In the window, stood in the window stage next to the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just kept me to walk.
There was chaos and then and then the first stack was on.
He don't know the first stack. Everyone done well.
And then Rob come back on and then he's and then the fellow
(06:07):
who's the promoter there said, yeah, it's Rob.
You got to do the raffle now. He's Rob.
Rob. To Rob Holland Rob Holland.
Oh, he so he was. What's the bill?
Well. Holland MC Yeah, OK.
Duty opened. Oh yeah.
He's good. I don't miss you.
Know what you seen, dude? Yeah.
Oh, that's good. Yeah.
Woods in the middle. Woodsy.
Yeah. Aaron Woods.
Oh yeah, yeah. TC close.
(06:28):
Nice bill. Solid SWM solid.
Now 5 pints on stage, 4 pints, 4pints on stage.
That's. What they want in it, they
catch. How long into the set were you?
I've done 4 and about a space ofabout 10 minutes 5-10 minutes.
Why? Because he was, he was singing.
They listen to no one else. Yeah, that was a party trick.
(06:51):
He was singing this like song. And at the end of the song,
you've got it down. And she kept saying, you know, I
was thinking, they're not fucking beating me.
It's like, fuck off. I want the free bevies as well
because the fellow was bringing me free bevies.
Get off straight away I just stick around I.
Mean go with the car was I always mingle with the fans and
then. A old men, few women.
If yeah, well, they call me I told you to call me now on the
(07:13):
UK comedy circle, like last night Barbie, I reckon 60%
women. So everywhere I'm getting buck
an hour and also got loads of female fans.
Yeah, 'cause they call me the Matt Rife UK comedy scene.
Yeah, Fat Rife. You like that one?
Didn't. You, that's right.
I was going to say, I was going to say like I was the scalp
smart rife, but then obviously you went fat rife.
So yeah. Yeah, you're, you're a pretty
(07:34):
lab, but you know, obviously youdon't get girls at your gigs.
I do. No, but you.
Get used to getting any group you love off this yet because
it's getting big now and it's getting.
I've probably got 2 left in me probably before I can't even get
on. No, no, I don't think it's like
that. You know me, I'm an old
romantic, can't I? So I'm just staying over the the
right one now it's. Nice.
This though, it's good this thisset up, isn't it?
Yeah, Yeah. Professionally intimidating now,
(07:55):
do you think so? Yeah, getting intimidating this
now it's a bit much for me. 3. Three lights and two of these
big heavyweight cameras mate, and you have.
These two on yours now. No, I don't like once the light
starts coming in and then you get these big guys and that it's
getting a bit real now, like proper.
Well, we have said we are backedby ESPN.
You know what I mean? ESPN, you know what I mean?
We've had that Saudi money, Yeah.
(08:19):
What's new anyway? Any anyone got?
To say I've started trying, I'vestarted from the granddad
videos, obviously, yes, it's a beef there.
Who's whose idea was like, I've heard of different people.
I got all Fionn. Fionn's give you give you his
best. Us.
No, it's not well. That's what he said.
I've got a taxi as well. It's not.
(08:40):
OK. We can come up with it when we
were stuck in Hull and I've had that voice for years.
I used to do what the book is. He's doubling down now.
I did. I'm not ass.
Listen, I'm not ass. Really.
But we have a group chat where we was all doing it together and
then they mithered me to post it, post it, post it and when
they did they've seen their ass.I haven't seen me ass.
(09:02):
No, you've seen me. Ass I haven't seen me ass and I
I I know chief writer. Would you get would you get
involved in one of the sketches on his Instagram?
No. Could too easily, yeah.
Maybe you could, you know, you know, use your granddad.
Yeah, but this? Timestamp page where where the
video is posted. We've got, we've got.
So he's lifting off the off the group page.
So he's he's stole off that and I woke up too.
(09:24):
I'm not. Stole.
I've only done my own. Yeah, I've only done my own.
I've only done my own. So yeah, it's gone.
No, it's gone. But I'm happy.
I'm happy to see people succeed,you know?
So I'm about, you know, I'm about, I'll, I don't need to be
successful. No, they're making out like I've
(09:45):
been a writer. I've not.
I've not said anything. Oh well, it's the impression I
get. What is it?
What? What has made you think that?
What's made you think? That Valentine's Day.
What happened Valentine's Day? You said you went oh what made
you post that now then? No, it didn't.
Trouble in paradise? Share this straight away.
I've been encouraging you to do to do.
(10:05):
That's what I mean. That's why.
Because there there was. There was.
I was encouraged to post it. Then I finally posted it.
It's always a motive, young daddy.
So yeah, you know, when you're going on your next saw, if you
need to open it, I'm free. I'm.
Happy for the granddad to be posted.
(10:27):
But you're looking forward to getting back on tour, boys
Annies. When it.
Happened a good day is there mate, David.
That's when you that's when you use a nice, you know what I
mean? Fucking Daddy was full of them,
boys wasn't. It.
Yeah, You weren't in some of them cars.
It's a lovely end, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, no, the, the, the obviously it's all.
We're all late for the money, aren't we?
Yeah, some of them. No one's doing this for the
love. Some of them journeys were 10s.
(10:50):
Yeah, well, I, I've done 10 dates, didn't I?
And I reckon about Gig 9, like it was someone was going to get
smack like. What do you what?
You don't like where where you just, you spend that much time
with people. You spend that much time with
people, you're just a bit like you're.
I fucking can't be arsed at these.
Like on all that's all the time.I like day five.
You're like, fucking shut up now.
(11:11):
I didn't think it ever got that way.
I thought it was what we just, we'd just sit in silence and be
fine. That's why.
That's why it worked. You sit in silence.
I know you're trying to. I know you're trying to get us.
You're trying to make me lose the support.
I know it's a sting. I know it's a sting.
All these like, oh you little fucking fatties at home that's
(11:33):
only open for. Me, listen, I'm happy.
I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you, mate.
I'm I'm chocolate. I'm fucking.
Open for him? That's cool.
I'm alright. I can't.
I could open. For you, No, it's alright.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just.
Trying to make content. Yeah, All right.
(11:55):
Just a lot for the clip, aren't we?
People like riffs, don't we? Riffs and riffs, bro.
Yeah. So you're looking forward to
getting behind on the tour then?Yeah, yeah, yeah, need to.
I just need. I just need it on.
Set, Have you gone full time? Yeah.
Yeah, full time for about. Congratulations, Yeah.
About about 2 1/2 I reckon. 2 1/2 months at the minute.
(12:18):
Oh, you, you're full time again.All right.
You're. Full time, yeah, yeah.
Are your toes finished? No extension?
Extension junior, right? How many more dates are there?
30 Hello, 1030 Thirty. Yeah, yeah. 30 more.
(12:39):
Look like yeah, look that way. Yeah, I had to update off the
craze yesterday. You going anywhere new or you?
Yeah, I want to go down South. I want to try and take my charm
down South. That's fine, I should be making
some money there. Then with you it's the extra
dates. It depends if they sell out.
It's got great tax though, yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a big tax. Pays Jews bro.
(13:00):
It's like a fucking premiership football.
I mean 50% tax mate, you know what I mean.
Yeah, and how many was in the 10gig?
Is all sold out. That wasn't sold.
Out it was me. Yeah, everyone.
How many? Capacity 3000.
The tent No. The tent yesterday.
Oh, I thought you went to 10. The ten I've just done.
(13:21):
Yeah. No, no, no.
Not the tent. Oh, that weren't sold out.
That was it for. No, it was about fate.
About you'd be. You've done the tent.
Yeah. It's about you've.
Done the tent. Yeah, I've done the tent space
before. I've said to you that in the
message, so that find another circuit, it's another circuit
coming under 35 is more entrenched than me.
Yeah. So you've done, you've done.
It's. Not under 35.
Now I've got to be up there withwith the one who's done.
(13:45):
I think, I think the 10 could hold 14.
I'd say there's 3435 and you know what I mean?
Was it? Raining or not?
No, no, no gigs gig. The mic.
The mic was a bit like the PA. He was a bit forked.
You know, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was seed in his
shoes. But you know what, we got
through it. You know when when you're there,
when you love the game and stuffand you just get down there and
(14:05):
you just say to yourself, you know, let's make the most of it,
travel to half hours, You know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to be jokes
with dad on his ass and presented it was new stuff.
What babe, this out the way? Do you know Speak Story?
What? Oh, it's long as well.
Not long. Oh yeah, that's not a little
(14:26):
joke. Before shout down from the
window. The punchline, I said thanks for
sticking with me, I know it's long.
And then done the punchline and he just went.
I went, yeah, I think Carly and then you.
Have to give me the money and nothing.
Else we've been doing it before years.
All the rest of it was salmon. I was live in the trenches for
you. Yeah.
(14:49):
It's OK skin, but you know, it's, it's what it is, isn't it?
But you know what those salmon do, You know, when you when you
read people's success stories, the first page isn't just, oh, I
made it. You know, you've got to go
through these things, you know, to make it.
Yeah. Because when you get on page
fucking 200, you know what I mean?
It's flying then, you know what I mean?
(15:09):
There's drugs. There's fucking do.
You know, there's, there's, there's status.
I know there's all that, but there's also people who just
have a life of misery and then die.
Yes, there is. But no one's ever lived a
perfect life. I don't think anyone's lived the
unperfect life. I think.
I think it's just balance, bro. I think it just comes and goes.
Yeah, I know. But then we've spoke about how
far it can go, how far it can gobefore you've got to go.
(15:32):
This isn't funny anymore. Do you know what I mean?
What do you mean? That you've got to look like
something that that's not funny anymore, because going low is
funny in it. Oh yeah, of course we've all
beat. Our mates are fucking still
there, some of us, you know whatI mean.
The guy had that conversation with with, with, with Kane as
well when I was, I was doing histour sports.
I do tour sport for quite a lot of people now and and and just.
(15:57):
Came browser. Yeah, yeah.
And I was saying to him about the idea of being like, yeah,
but it's funny, the guy who stood in the corner after 25
years, nothing. And then he was like, yeah, but
you, you can't, it can't. You can't ask.
You have to draw a line, You know what I mean?
Which is what we said. I'll, I'll give up.
We'll draw. A line so much that you get like
this, right? Although this is funny.
Now you have to you have to go. This can't be me do.
(16:20):
You. Know what I mean?
Yeah, I get what you mean. I get with some people like
who've who've been on the circuit, like we've met them,
who've been on the same for 25 years and.
Well, I've like, I've like, I'vejoked about saying you know your
dad gigs in Bay windows in Derby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Wednesdays.
Not you get at school getting bullied.
Yeah, because your dad gigs at the club, Do you?
(16:41):
Know what I mean? Like you got.
My mum and dad said he's seen your dad in a tent last night.
Oh yeah, that's. Are you your dad does the
raffle? Yeah, your dad gigs in Bay
windows, like in a cafe. You're thinking that can't be.
You can't. Do you know what I mean?
You've got to call it a day in the cafe.
You've got you've got kids, haven't you?
A kid, Those little kids? Yeah, kid.
(17:02):
And I can't. I've got it's a race to get out
of that. Does she know what you do?
I don't know yet. She don't.
You don't know she knows. But there's a second, there's a,
there's an egg timer on on this career.
Now you've got, you've got what they're self aware at 1314 and
they could potentially be onlinethen.
So there's 60. Online, you've got a lot of
(17:24):
land, haven't you? Well.
Yes, what I mean, so there's like it feels like there's 5
five years left before I ever have to go white collar, blue
collar or or. Whatever else, what if you go to
a parent's evening when she's inlike year nine and the teacher
recognises you for a bit? Oh, do you have that time when
you're? Gonged Dad, you just you never.
(17:45):
Got this is this is this is thisis the thing.
But that's the thing though, isn't it?
Like you go like, like some people start this when they've
got kids that are old enough to actually accept.
Like, like, I couldn't imagine that.
Like imagine if you were 17. Oh, my dad's off to do beat the
frog and then your dad just beatthe front like.
(18:08):
And he comes over and he goes, yeah, I was his dad.
And he goes. Lasted one minute.
And he's like. Tough crowd, son.
Yeah, shut up, Dad. But like a loser.
But it'd be interesting to hear from somebody who's a kid whose
dad started comedy when they were like 1718 and they knew
(18:30):
what they were going to do and how they felt about it.
Like how would you feel if your dad started doing stand up now?
He's going to start so your dad would smash.
He's a loser. Fat loser he is.
Would he smash it to like a certain demographic?
Yeah, right. So you stick him in a in a cafe.
In mid Lincoln in the bar. Cafe in Lincoln.
(18:50):
Stick him in the bar, not water.That he's a smasher, right?
But if you have to put him in a.He's not going down middle
class. Lincoln or no?
Not. Not like that, no.
Joe that ever do it? No, he's funny like, but he's
not stand up for. Me.
No, he. Stutters too much, so he's
stutters when he's nervous like.What you do if you start to do
it all? He gets nervous.
(19:11):
So Joe, like say we're going foran Indian like meal and that
yeah, the guy will come round and you want to take orders, you
go. All the time.
Yeah, he's like Danny. When he orders, he can't get the
words out. Gets to.
What have you got a service? I'm just nervous around.
You say that I've always dad. It's not nice.
It's not nice to say that dad's not a loser's Dad created a
(19:35):
successful comedian. You bet me that, aren't you?
Yeah, I made that at the Waldorfat.
The Waldorf, Yeah. Died on me that gig.
Fucking hell you're MC in it. Is your dad supportive of it?
No, Doesn't like it. Well, there's a lot of history
there. There's a lot of history there.
Oh, there's got time I. Don't know.
(19:57):
We got too much time. Yeah, No, no, no, no, because
obviously there's a lot of history with the football and
everything, you know, and that was that.
Because it make it. Because they didn't make it and
there was a lot of, there was a lot of abuse with the football
and that that and then so like, it's like, you just know, you
know what I said, just don't youfucking dare get involved with
(20:18):
this. And he's respected that.
Because I felt the. Abuse he put me through and
then. Why would you?
Would you like a project on BAPItoo kind of thing.
Yeah, Well, I think he had a lot, a lot to pay off.
So he needed me to Yeah, You know, because a lot of I think a
lot of men of that generation probably sought the as a way of
(20:38):
to create wealth. Now is if they're true, because.
Of football and all the singer. Yeah, that's.
Where you get the forceful parents, don't you?
Because it's more to do that they want.
Because we we was born in aroundSky TV and they see the money
exploding. You know what I mean?
Like I need to get my kid. So why they do they're doing it?
I'm in darts. Fortunate 7 years to play darts
(20:58):
because it seems more achievablethan football, don't it?
Yeah. That's bad the.
Academies. The academies now fly under
sevens darts. Yeah, and the kids are?
Under the sevens darts. And the kids are and the the
parents are proper like fucking,you know, intense on it.
Like football. Russian gymnast.
(21:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saint Helen's darts.
So it's. Yeah.
Because it seems to. Change the sevens darts, man.
All the bars have made it in thepuff, yeah.
Surely you don't need like, I mean how many unders you need in
darts? Surely an under 10s would be
fine. Like like whoever's good under
(21:38):
10 can play like. It's not like there's a physical
well. Nobody.
Imagine a dial switch to 19 son.Yeah.
You got to switch. Down.
Yeah, fucking slow it, Martin. I don't really.
You've got. The ball get you fucking useless
cunt. I'd like to play darts again.
I'd like to put. I haven't got anywhere to put a
dartboard but which is sad in itreally.
(21:59):
At 33 you should be able to havesomewhere to put a.
Dartboard Shed. No, I'm a so I'm saving up for.
It's me. That's his bit, that's me bit.
Everyone's doing fucking bit stuff.
He's going to be funny. When you get that shed, you
don't feel like it's such a. Fucking now.
Can't get the shed now. I need that shed.
(22:19):
Give me 6 months, yeah. No the the under.
So how many age brackets does itgo from?
I think that's the youngest one.Yeah, so sevens, eights, nines,
it was like football. Well they have obviously
different catchments like under elevens and below.
So if you have like a shit out eight-year old, they can play
up, you know. That's going to be good if
(22:42):
there's like a 13 year old dartschampion, which they will be,
won't there? Yeah, there's some teenager olds
in Mensa, isn't there and all. That some some teenager like
battered a record the other week, last week.
Just someone throwing 9 darts before.
Are you getting on with it all? Right.
Yeah, I'm enjoying it. I'm not good.
Why you enjoy it? No, really.
(23:03):
Because you obviously famously, you know, can't use tin openers
and that. Yeah.
So dart. Yeah, surely master the tin
opener and then go. You know what?
Now try and take on the treble twin.
I'm not. Great, but I only play myself
so. Right.
And and are you can you you're good at grouping?
Are you getting close to treble 20 every time?
I've had 180. I've had one, yeah.
You hit a 180. Yeah, and I threw up for the
(23:24):
adrenaline. That's insane.
That is, that is good because I think if I ever hit a one. 80
nearly checked out 130 yesterday.
Did. You missed the ball, got you on
25 and I missed you. Left it all, right?
Right. And I missed double 19 for 155
trouble trouble 19 double 19 you.
Kidding me? No.
Seriously. That must have been fucking.
(23:46):
I got the 180 and threw up and tried.
To I'd start filming You see me.You see me blood?
Try. Right.
That's when get the 180. Wow I got adrenaline so much was
frobbing up and burst blood vessels in my head.
Out. Yeah.
Literally. Dad.
Yeah. His whole face that you look
like a zombie from. You know how you've been
smacked. Had you filmed it or something
or just. No.
You should film that. You should live stream.
(24:07):
That'd be good. Want me playing?
Dark. Yeah, you get some money for
that. I know it's just it's in the
bedroom. It's a bit intimate in it.
I don't. Want I was in the you got you
that was in the bedroom. Yeah, I know.
Roommate. Yeah.
I think you got she could ask Mrs. Was that well?
Washy's got his own fucking. Oh, so yeah, text wash all the
time, dear. Yeah, he's invited me.
Down while she was before, it looked like that was.
(24:27):
When you're when you're missus that you put in the bedroom.
No, not in the same bedroom. I'm I'm up in the top floor.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Why you put it there?
Not I'm not, No, I've got I can't meet.
I can't. I can't play that.
I can't play the last. Thing I I I don't do any in the
first sleep. Now you have got a child.
I'm depressed like I don't, I just sleep.
(24:48):
Good, it's good. It's really I get stressed and I
like to play darts to. Yeah, because when when lately
did that, I was thinking like itwould be a good one because
there's no real age limit. It's that you can play dot
master it in 15 years maybe. So it's tempting you don't want.
You don't want your kids to be like that.
Oh, mum was. His dad at a gig tonight playing
darts and she's like, no. No, she's playing darts in the
(25:09):
spare. Room.
No, that's more. That's more respectable than
going to a Spicy Mike gig at 40.Where's Dad?
He's playing darts in his. Room don't know because listen,
you know, cash in it, you know what I mean?
Because you you could something you could play with your kid.
Do you have a game with UK? Yeah, you couldn't do stand up
with your kid, could you? Why not?
I imagine dying in front of yourkid man dying on your ass and a
(25:34):
walk out. Yeah, I, I, I don't really.
And. Arguing with the promoter in
front of your kid, He said e-mail on he said cash on the
e-mail, no back. So how?
Do you make it? How's this?
Dad, you should be getting McDonald's on the way back when
we can have a McDonald's when wehave the backs.
(25:54):
Yeah, just waiting to see if I get a gay.
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Yeah, So what are you going to do with the darts?
You're just enjoying it. Yeah, I was going to join the
dart, the Dabbers Darts team, Dabbers Darts League, but we
it's on Wednesdays and it's on we record so.
This comes first. I might do it like you're in the
(27:20):
year. What's what's the dabbers dart?
Is that a pub team or something?No, you play on yourself, but
there's different divisions. There's like 6 divisions.
So you go. And yourself, Well, no, you're
playing any sort of people or you're not.
It's not like a pub. It's not a team, right?
Yeah. So you go down and one night you
do. It's called seeding night.
It's not a pub. Yeah, it's a pub, but it's not a
(27:41):
pub team. Yeah, you're just yourself.
Yeah, OK. It's in the mall bank and they
call it the Molly Polly. Oh no.
Oh my. God, so the Molly, Polly, oh.
This is just the sad, stinking version.
And you go down on seeding nightand you throw, you throw 10
(28:02):
dart, you throw no, you throw 9 darts and you get your average
score. And that determines what
division you're in, right? So I'd probably be in division 5
or 6. One throw 9 darts.
Yeah, because what I'd do is if I was good, I'd just throw the
wall at 1:00 and. When bottom 6.
And they go on bottom 6 would bea champion of bottom 6.
Shit, no, you don't know. No, you won't test yourself,
isn't it? No, you won't.
You won't what you're doing. So we've been Instagram.
(28:24):
I'm not be honest. It's what all you do.
No, you want to. You want to go in.
Darts League 6. You gonna properly you're going
to throw 9 darts, get no score to be in the bottom set?
Yeah, just so you can try and win bottom sets.
Yeah, that's like you're dropping out to gong, so it's
just to win. Yeah, of course.
Not a bad idea. OK, nine stars.
(28:49):
You beat your frogs there in a row.
I just talk like I'm the only intention seeker here with all
attention seekers. Yeah, but you don't, you don't
want, but there's no money in that.
You're doing it for money. Everything you're doing is for
money. If.
I put a picture on Instagram andI've got me fucking Tony the
barrel casualties she's doing iton Yeah and I've got trophy
saying winner of Dabas last week.
Six birds are going to. Need the battle?
Is that your name? Yeah, birds will drop it.
(29:10):
Jimmy DM saying well done, they're going to say
congratulations the bottle. Hit my bull's eye, yeah.
Let's be honest. Congratulations about let's fuck
it up. Sick of coming here for three
years. There's a lion.
No bad, there's a lions I can do5 or 6 anyway.
I'm all after cheek that. Should be heavy now if you if
(29:33):
you. Yeah, it's up in the bottom
side. Still has.
I'm finishing. Runner up probably be one of the
worst players there. They've all been playing for
years. I haven't, do you know what I
mean? Yeah, but you could easily throw
everyone hits one. You're still in that level,
aren't you? You could eat it goes 515.
So even even bottom set's going to be I'm going to be a meth
(29:56):
and. Then to do it Premier League
format Joe like the winner get you have 1/4 final semi final
and a final money at the end andthen the Champions get you pay 2
lbs Subs every week and that's the part.
Oh God, so there's money at the end.
Yeah, yeah, it's not a lot like,but.
She quits Daddy. I don't.
(30:17):
Think she quits bro. Have you paid yourself?
Have you paid yourself? No, the podcasters not paying
yet. I can have some blonde tick.
No. Sorry Roddy, I owe 3 weeks.
For the please to pay the podcast money, No wants to get
involved in snooker quite like that.
Do you think it's hard? I think there's something about
(30:38):
darts which seems more. It seems like achievable, yeah.
It looks easy though. That's why people play and then
when after a few hours like thisis fucking hard fucked.
It's not just. Boring.
It's it's mind numbingly boring,I think.
Oh, 'cause Taylor was doing what, 14 hours in the garage?
You could, though. It's like when Ronnie
O'Sullivan, would you see that, that, that.
Thing when he did, you see that I saw a thing when he that 147
(31:00):
he did. 5 1/2 minutes. No, when he just he sees the
table, he goes. What's the price for one?
470 Yeah, he's an. Autism of that.
He's like you there. Is unbelievable kind of
composition me and I've. Got to do and what's the money?
7 minutes, 10 grand sound. So class when he pops that first
(31:22):
drove it goes to the ref. I would choose the ball 470 and
the ref starts laughing. I think he's being funny.
He goes. No, seriously, how much is it?
Yeah, I'll go, he goes. Wait. 10,000 lbs Ronnie.
Yeah, he goes pocket change. What's?
All the balls wasn't 10. Leaves the black.
Boy in the end says not some change.
It's not an old fans called Nah do it Ronnie Cos.
(31:46):
Pony bangs in. And then he's.
Disastrous I. Think it's a joke?
It's a joke, he goes. It's like it's a joke.
No one could do that with, but you'll never do that, and darts
will, you know. He's the goal.
Mate, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get like, yeah. 60
grand yeah yeah yeah. In the World Championships.
(32:06):
So if you get 9 jobs. Open up, doesn't it?
No. So if you get 9 in the World
Championships this year they dida thing for prostate cancer.
So yes. So the the person who got the
nine data gets 60 grand, 60 grand goes to charity and
someone in the audience from 60 grand at random and this guy won
it who got a spare ticket and hewon 60 grand.
(32:26):
Wow, someone couldn't make it because that's to work.
Give it his mate 160 bags. But yeah.
He would have to source his mateout, wouldn't?
He right now then people in the darts on model day there,
they're getting loaded. We're hitting the wives and
everything. Yeah, the the which, but no one
(32:47):
will ever be able to do it because you look at Ronnie go
and I can do a 147 at the way that's set up.
Whereas darts I don't think you'll ever be able to just know
you're going to throw a nine darts.
Do you want me? Think you feel informed though?
But people have said that, haven't they?
They gone. What's the hardest one to do is
hold them 19 darts or 14714? Seven and Sean is it though, do
(33:07):
you know Sean Murphy just a goodplayer.
He looks a. Mate of mine, isn't he?
Looks a bit like me. Good mate of mine, me and Sean.
Shut up, man. The Magician.
Me folks with me and Sean. Oh, yeah.
Can you show me if we go about wait long?
Yeah. Fuck off 100%.
Well, show me if, he said. I think I'm the only one that's
(33:28):
done all three. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's funny. And then and then they show.
Then they did that challenge, didn't they, The 147 hole in 19
dart challenge. Yeah, Sean Murphy gets a 147.
So he has to move on to darts. And he said he's had a nine
dart. He throws his first night goals
in nine. He's a fraud.
Like from miles away. Have you heard him?
(33:48):
Met him, yeah. Met him friends.
Why don't you believe it? Look, there we are, back in the
day. Oh.
OK, well. Me and Sean.
When's that, 2015? I've known for each but he
doesn't speak to me anymore. Is that when you used to get?
Why? Didn't you talk to you?
Was that was that from when you got your head shot?
Come on, I. Can't go into it, I can't say.
(34:11):
But Sean, you know, you know is.That when you have them had
shots done. No, no, no, no.
Oh yeah, that one. No, that was way before that was
probably. I was, I was, I was there.
I was 30303333. You thought?
You was getting some ad shots and that what you thought you
was bad man Getting ad shots when?
You I needed them. No, you thought.
(34:33):
You were bad. You when?
Did I need? What did I need them for?
I can't remember, but you thought you was bad getting them
around me. What do you mean bad getting
them do? You want to be.
It was. I'm alright, thanks, I've got
work later. Where are you at?
Here something for me now working.
Oh, Jamie. Yeah, we're professional, Yeah.
Oh yeah. Why would you think it is?
(34:53):
You're working as well. Hello we do we get a drink on
the job? No, not if you're professional,
not do. You already take after geeks
here got. To stay sober, yeah.
Because I had I'm. I'm bad.
So I've come out as a full alcoholic now.
You are the nations favorite alcoholic I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. UKF favorite comic.
So, my friends, you've come to watch me and you've been on the
(35:13):
same bill of them become fans ofyours and they like you or them.
You know she's mad. They all know.
What they like? Are they nice to look at or they
pleasant the pleasant to be around?
Not the really like underground,you know, like dodgy kids.
Yeah, yeah, they, they, they always send me.
Your eyes, well, they got both working eyes and that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right then.
They they, they send me both eyes.
(35:36):
They send me your story most. Nice.
I don't like you, don't want to hard fans.
Yeah, they send me your story. Most like saying like he's sick
of yeah. I'm like, no, he's sad, Yeah.
He's sick. He's actually sick.
Yeah, no, yeah, no alcoholic nowthe.
Stack do on it, the stack do they 86 of the stack do.
(35:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was it. Yeah, 'cause it's yeah, just
'cause when I. Left you, still got people
messaging you if everything's alright.
Yeah, but I don't put me drinking online anymore because
it's become like, it's not like it's not fun anymore.
It's a problem now. So like I've come up.
You still do it though. It is because, yeah, but you've
got no responsibilities. What dog?
(36:18):
Oh fuck. Off dog.
Come on, you know that's not a risk.
How long would you cry for if that dog died?
You'd cry when it was getting put down because it's sad to see
a dog die because I've been there.
But you'd be sound after two days after.
(36:40):
Two days ago. Yeah.
You ever seen a dog? Die Sadman.
(37:10):
I've had dogs. Have you seen a dog die?
No, but I've got 2 and I, it's like hopefully like 10 years
away that they're going to die and I'm dreading everything.
You're going to have to. You're going.
To have to. I've had dogs put down but I've
never got. I've never seen it because it
was. Oh, you just let it go in the
room? I was young.
We were like, yeah, yeah, I was a pussy.
Oh you shit out at all? Poor dog die alone in the vets.
I wasn't lonely, that was there.Your dad?
(37:31):
When I was younger, your dad went in.
Did he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was he coming out? Did he cry?
Yeah, he did actually. Yeah.
Yeah. Sad man, it was a family dogma
elephant he was. How long the how long the dog?
I had two dogs die, 1818 pugs. Leaves are old English sheepdog.
Like a Jewelux dog. You know that?
Oh, yeah. Nice.
That was our family dog. That that was sad.
That was sad. And then I got a what are they
(37:55):
called? That's not a Japanese Nikita
Husky. I had a Husky called Tia.
She was forged. She died with a heart effect.
Oh shit, woke what? You went downstairs and she was
dead? Or did you have to put it down?
No, I had to put it down. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, that was about, that was,
that was not. That was about 15 years ago, so.
(38:16):
How are you finding having a doghappy?
Yeah, sound, it's all right. Not going to stick it in the
rescue or anything there, no. Do you walk away?
What do you walk? No remarks it.
You ain't going to walk. Shut the kitchen door on it.
Not upstairs do. You like?
(38:38):
Just feed it to. Anyone.
He don't give a fuck. I tickle the dog.
Yeah, yeah. Have you got a dog?
No, no, I had one dog. You had one?
Yeah. You're not going to get a.
Family home. Family home.
Yeah. We had it when I was small.
Yeah. Sad.
(38:58):
My my family name is your family.
Are they? Yeah, we, we, we, we, we know
your cousins. Yeah, yeah.
Nice, nice, nice couple. Which ones?
I don't I don't like naming. Do I own pods, don't like
naming. But Oh yeah, you know, you know,
G even to G and the. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, say his name. I just couldn't think of his his
(39:21):
wife's name. Yeah, that.
That's my uncle. What's his wife's name?
That's it. Yeah.
Lovely couple. Nice house.
It sure is. Yeah, you've been what you've
been. When I was younger, yeah, both.
It's style. It's like distance family, you
know what I mean? They're not cuddles, are they?
No. So they're like this, not like
(39:42):
distance family. So you see them at fucking
weddings and funerals both. Every time see them, it's like,
you know, we've seen each other yesterday.
Lovely, lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sad that isn't sometimes, you know, when you see people of
family funerals and weddings andyou think you know and you
always make plans. You say let's make sure it
doesn't happen. We'll see each other, make sure
it's not our next funeral or wedding and then you just don't.
(40:03):
So then. You want to die in your family
weekly recently. We've been, we've been pretty
Lucky's touch with, yeah, the last death.
There's not done in a while. Close like one that actually
like you need to like No, not. Not a big one.
When I was on tour, my uncle passed away when I was in
(40:23):
Belfast, yeah. Of course.
You posted about that. Yeah, that's a big one.
That was the. Closest one?
Yeah, most recent. That was a sad.
That was a sad 1 when? I Do you ever think about your
own funeral? I do sometimes.
No, but I'm thinking about aboutlosing a parent soon.
I don't know when, but like I think it's.
I don't know how I'm going to react to that.
(40:44):
Yeah, I've got a bit about that now.
Have you OK? When you're on golf and you're
like, pissed the missus off and you're upstairs and the only way
out of it is if a parent dies inthe next half hour, right.
Rather than facial responsibilities, Yeah.
When you get a kid, that'll go. What?
Because bigger things. Bigger things than your mum
died, Yeah. What?
(41:06):
Being on go over. No, but like.
Yeah, but if he was on go over, you had to take your kid to
swimming. Yeah.
And your mum died. You'd get fast.
Well, you start to take the kidsthrough it, weren't you?
No. You know you wouldn't, you
wouldn't go swimming now. You won't go swimming.
You'd put your pool swimming. Yeah, he's pool swimming.
Yeah. Swimming Monday night, No.
(41:27):
Sorry Dad, and want to go to thebats.
You know what I mean? Kids can't process stuff like
that. I can't.
Well, they can I. Think so.
It's heartbreaking. We had we we someone like
actually, yeah, but misses. His granddad died recently and
then that was that was heartbreaking to break to a kid.
Oh, was he? Yeah.
So Foot knows what. We're like, I thought he'd just
be like a little bit like, oh. No, no, no.
(41:49):
They're the they know they're quite switched on like.
Yeah, not all kids. There's some fucking flids out
there, isn't he? There's some fucking head the
balls. Yeah.
Like, I don't know your kid. I don't know your kid would be
quite smart. Switched on board.
Like he was like a little Jamie Hutchinson.
I'm 90s. Why me?
Why is he a better dad than me? Fuck off.
(42:10):
He's he's switched on a. Really good dad not.
Often you he's emotionally entirely. 95 but you in 95 was a
fucking just head the ball. I don't know.
I was quiet, I was dead smart mate.
I got picked to do that uni university study.
Yeah. And I was like a that was on
your background. No, yeah, but because I was
smart. That's because smart kids from
(42:31):
accountants, not because we, youknow, and a thick kid from.
Yeah, but he's he's, he's not. He's smart, clever, shrewd
businessman. Numbers don't lie.
Yeah, he's doing really well. He's not.
Skin. I'm skin, lad.
I've had to ask, I've had to ask.
(42:51):
Crave for an advance? There you go.
For this month. You think it's bad lad?
It's fucking mad out here bro. I don't.
Think you can't? You can't be.
It's his own fault you. Just don't.
You mean online banking. I'm fucking skin, Brev.
He's good at poker. He's fucking not.
That's where all the savings have gone.
(43:12):
So fucking mr888.com. Bet 365 ain't.
It all gone bro fucked her. Got one on holiday in two weeks
as well. You go on holiday in two weeks.
Mad darn it about Cheltenham in there on holiday.
Where you go on holiday? Barcelona.
Fuck off lad. You can't skip me skin.
Yeah, it's already paid for. What about?
(43:34):
What about this? What about This is why we're
here now. What about, oh, This is why
we're being recorded? Oh, wow.
Right. What we've been recording lows
lately was yeah, I'm thinking, what are these?
Just wanted to get some break. For you, isn't it?
Yeah, you get a week off. I want you due to have some time
off late. Oh, thanks.
You might need to do a little. You might need to steal her gas.
Patreon. Oh, me actually, if someone
(43:55):
else. No, no, no, I'm alright.
I've got. I'm alright.
What you do next Monday? You have more with this.
Ask. Ask about the fee, man.
What's the fee? Fees going?
No, Forget those things. Sure.
(44:18):
Dividends when you go in Boston next week.
No to 17th, 17th for March. Long weekend.
Monday to Wednesday. Nice.
Before you wait for the live show then the same that we can't
be fucking I'm away. The only thing that are keeping
us going live shows I'm. Away for one.
I'm away for the 28th of March. Fucking.
Hell, what? Sorry about this mate we we're
(44:38):
talking about. 20th of March, That's that's Friday.
Yeah, yeah, Friday the 28th of March.
So you're doing the live show Friday.
What you're doing the I'm? Doing the yeah tomorrow, 28th of
March. I'm not.
Yeah. I've got a week, I've got a day
off that one. You going anywhere?
Yeah, I'm going away on the Whenare you going away?
Barcelona. 17, yeah. I want to.
(45:02):
Go. I'm just.
Going to go away. I want to go Wales or something.
Wales. I've got a girl.
I've got a girl. I've each piece of some girls, a
girl. Hi girl.
Oh, we had to. We've got this woman coming.
Stay, stay in our house. You have.
To look after the dog. Do you want me to go away?
You hire the nanny for the dog, Yeah.
(45:24):
So you stick it in a kennel? You won't have it.
Right. Because it's just come off its
heat and that. So we've got a minute.
You've got a nanny for the dog. Yeah, she's got to stay in, live
in. Wow, is she old or young?
She's like 2 years old and Lauren doing the same school so
she's got to stay in my bed. Is she is?
She's a friend, not. Really.
(45:45):
She's not my she's. A friend though.
Long, his friend. Hey, she does it professionally.
I'm going to I'm going to hub meyours.
Yeah, and I'll be like, she likeI'm like Jamie Lonia.
She be like, Oh no, I'm like, ohGod, I totally forgot I was
(46:06):
meant to stay over this weekend.And then being here, we'll just
fuck. And then she'll ring.
Lauren. She's going to get along.
She's married. Oh, she.
Fair enough. He's not going to live in there.
He got ringed over. No.
You get one. No, we've got a camp.
We've got a dog camp. Right.
(46:28):
Where's the dog camp? In the living room, a little
Willy camp because I play darts.Can you hear me?
Of a day, yeah, yeah. Yeah, these few are.
Dangerous stuff bro. She'll.
Know. She'll know.
She'll know. Yeah, yeah, I hope the camera
has been moved. Right, got the new floor in as
(46:51):
well. New floor.
Yeah, that's fine. Well.
How'd you find the hard floor? You're carpet, didn't you?
Yeah, but the dog, because she keeps digging holes in the
garden. Shuttle floods?
What? How'd you find the hard floor?
Shuttle? How'd you find the hard floor?
(47:13):
You like carpet, didn't you? Fuck off.
You know what? Why?
Why is that? But.
We asked the questions. This is our pop.
Come around here. It's all like fucking DIY.
And now what the fuck, man? This is a comedy podcast.
It's going somewhere all right. The guy was a bit awkward.
(47:33):
Because he sent a video of the guy fitting the floor.
Oh no, we weren't him. We didn't use.
It a racist man. Was fishing.
We didn't use. We didn't use him.
Oh, we got. No, we didn't use him.
He came out for a quote, yeah. And he was just talking.
He kind of like half knew who itwas and just you have to get him
(47:53):
over the line. Who was the black lad at the
Frog in Bucky? Yeah, there were a black fellow
at the Frog in Bucket. He'd be great.
I miss that chummy, but I was me.
But we didn't use the music. It's that nice bloke and I
ordered him a pie and sausage roll and that.
You all do a pint for. Sure, Yeah, yeah.
I was getting one myself. So I was when I can't leave him
out, I kind of went drop a pilotfor didn't he went.
(48:16):
What that guy you've? No, not the racist.
Guy no and I the the he didn't. Use him he was quote was too
much give me. A quote and you got him a pint,
so you know. No, someone else.
Sorry, sorry that I was just really bad.
Didn't quote go round, didn't we?
Were quotes? No, no, no, no.
Fucking me didn't get me did I paid someone, someone gave us.
A quote we didn't use. It and dump.
That dump will be after you. Cowboy changes the steak Bake
(48:40):
stealer. Tony.
Tony, you're close. Bobbies over the steak.
Bake some some. Some crumbs out of your mouth
there, sorry. Over over 14 grams worth of
(49:08):
state bases he's. 11 years, we've seen him in a ton in
Derby, he's played. For MSN News being.
Oh God. Is Tony trying to quote a
Wetherspoons? Race the runner, raise the
(49:35):
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The guy come down to he was actually doing the floor.
(50:39):
So we got a mistake pairing thatwas just chatting and he
mentioned his son and it was my,it was my birthday.
So, Oh, yeah, it's my birthday tomorrow.
How old are you, 34 how much runs?
34 went Oh, did he follow him into the floor again?
He went, no, he did. He was a skiing instructor for a
bit of joy and went fucking hell, skiing instructor.
He must be doing well then. And he went, oh, no, no, no, no,
(51:01):
no, no. He's he got, he got quite bad
into heroin and stuff. We've not, he's not seen his
daughter in six years. And then we just saw like.
Silence. Well, in the steam of.
It just silently in the pipe. But where do you go from here?
(51:24):
And then Lawrence. Was still robbing me that being
I told him to fucking be on beatthe frogland.
Fuck that and. Lawrence after you.
But why did you ask me if he's into the floor game?
What do you mean? That I was, I was saying,
excuse, you don't do well then. Doing well then no, no, we got
banished. He's.
Dick, it's a heroin. Don't see the story?
(51:45):
Fucking hell I would. Just a pie.
Yeah, modern. Away I was.
Just thinking that's about the hard floor, just because I think
carpets cozy, isn't it? Take what back what I said there
me. Thank you.
You got hard. That was probably.
The best of the podcast. Have you got Yeah, Charlie?
She went Yeah. So I make no worries.
Yeah, We had to get rid of it, though.
(52:06):
We had to get rid of the car. She, she was, she was messing it
up like. Yeah, I think it was.
Going to be a dog. Yeah, she was digging old.
Should this dog fucking say thatto be expensive then, aren't it?
The upkeep of a carpeted floor. Actually wrecked the garden as
well, Jamie. Yeah, that's getting reloaded as
well. Have you had any quotes that?
I'll. Come back tomorrow and give you
(52:29):
all the milk and. Nikki Flanagan and George's. 21
unit period. This is the Wild, the Whippers
15. Pounds.
Yeah, it's called a Suano, yes. That's good, that's good.
That's good value. That.
Yeah, that. Is good value.
You'd pay for it on the. First night.
Yeah, I would. I'm going.
To put I'm going to I'll. Give Yeah.
(52:50):
Definitely Allison. I'm putting on my best today.
Yeah, I've got that. I'm good.
I've got some. Fucking good, good jokes.
Have you been right in lately? Was that one I said like I like
to yours? Yeah.
I don't know all of them. Was.
What you did was what you are, something you did around
Christmas. Oh, what did I?
(53:11):
Do you granted to call your granddad?
So what did I do for your grand,you know?
Margaret, you got a Did I do howSmith fetch me an old book?
That was it. Oh yeah, it was.
A bit about driving, but I did it later in sex.
Oh no. Well, that was a new building.
Oh fucker, who cares? Yeah, he's asked.
I'm not watching it again. Yeah.
(53:32):
Do you Do you write? It on pad barely do you write
it? On your paddle, Your phone.
Yeah, Oh, oh. I'm I'm I'm old.
School me mate, I'm phone. I'm phone now go to paper.
Oh, do you? Yeah, the papers like when
you're. Using your phone.
And then your ideas in the phone.
In the In the paper. Cement on paper.
Yeah. I like you.
I like you. What?
About you, Jamie, are you writing?
Process. Just work it out on stage.
Yeah, he can. Afford to now Can't he just
(53:52):
work? It out on stage so you just go
on with an idea do. You have the punch.
Line ready or I work back. I've come up with a funny line.
I thought that's funny, that line I need to put in the
scenario I need to put it. In a stack scenario, yeah.
Sometime got some great lines. Though tonight, yeah, excited to
do them like it's the best time I've ever done them.
Like so I feel like I've done ita couple of times.
I'm doing. Nervous.
Bit nervous, are you useful? For watching my whip out just.
(54:14):
Because I want feedback. Oh no, I'll be back.
I'll be back making. Notes.
Yeah. You sat at the Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I won't be there. No, you'll be there.
I've got all the gig. No, you've not.
What's all you do in the break? See Tony Cameron.
Friends of the break And then you've got to watch me and write
notes. A lot of full reviews because if
we both compare the notes then see what.
Works and then we go right, thisworks.
He thought that was good. We that it's in you can move it
(54:37):
that in a different order. That's why they're still like
you're not asked. I no.
She's not asked I how. Long have you got 4540?
Five. Yeah, that's fine.
That's what you need, that's what.
You need nowadays, yeah. Yeah, it'll be fine.
You're doing 10 before me. You're you're coming back on,
(54:58):
aren't you? Listen, I don't know which.
Way you want me to do, I think. I think we'll just be in the
room from 12 for me. It's me just.
Going on explaining the show. MC and it's warming the crowd
upbringing was on do the house. The house rules.
I'll do the house. Rules no phone boy.
(55:19):
God man, how the fuck are? People paying that.
Much to listen to us three. Pontificate.
About fucking nothing. Yeah, well, I'll do the house
rules. Yeah, no, no, don't speak well.
(55:39):
The acts on the stage. Switch your phones off.
Oh, he's a good rules man. I'm a good rules man mate.
No nonsense if you want. If you want MC.
And I'll do a set I. Can't MC.
I'm not having him MC again. I drive it into the ground.
Within 6 minutes. Oh go on.
I only MC the big clubs. Very rarely.
Do you really, MC Yeah, yeah, I am.
(56:00):
I am see what the very. Big clubs, very rarely.
You're in a big club tonight mate, I know but.
Like but like my room, yeah. Like like what we mean middle.
Oh, sad. OK.
I'm in the bar. Oh yeah, it's funny that the
bar, yeah. Old 140.
So we do. Have a smallest one.
It's called the Band. It's like, guess the band, band,
(56:23):
band, yeah. Well, what?
What we what wherever. This week's pod show band you
haven't sold. Seat out of tickets so you're in
the. Band, Band.
Not even the band Band. It's just a noise in it.
(56:43):
There you go. Fucking get in there.
And what we? What we talking?
I'll, I'll just talk about the structure tonight.
Boys, listen, I'm the host, so I'll I'll get on there.
I'll do me 10 minutes to me cloud work.
What are you saying about work out of the house rules bring was
on was the 2020 side 20 and thenyou come then am I, am I?
(57:04):
Then I'll come back on. Right.
Give it up for fuck. Up sound be in the room.
Be in the room for 14 then. Oh, what should you all set me?
Yeah, I've been in the room. For 14 and then and.
Then I want to go right to soundfor a break.
We have our break and we go. So I guess it's the bad stuff.
You explain. I'm doing 40.
And it went, went holds it come back on.
Yeah, I come back on an hour 3, an hour ten, I reckon I.
(57:24):
Come on after the break. Yeah, I do.
Two minutes, you know, just getting them, make sure
everyone's fucking seated that. Are you doing a full NMC job?
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fucking hell mate. Hello.
Listen, I'm not. Even charging.
Well, come on. Listen, we've all.
Got to eat some we. Yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah, no one's here for free.
(57:46):
He's not done any quotes this week.
That was it, the hard floor. It's hard floor sound, yeah.
Because the carpet in is. Comfy.
Yeah, that's what I was going to.
You can't hard floor carpet. I want my dad's couch at the
moment. Miss are.
You not, oh, you're not in the fly anymore?
(58:07):
No, no. No, because it's the landlord
solder. That's how long you been.
It's brand new hard floor as well.
So they go to the boat, see, because you can't really RIP
that up and take it with you because it's not cosy.
Is it the hard floor? Your dad's?
Couch No. Hard floor.
Oh yeah, no, I like you can see it's.
Easy, clean. But what?
I mean, yeah, it's practical, but it's not comfy.
(58:28):
Yeah, the carpet really is a new.
Carpet is, you know, when it's cold, when it's cold.
Winter cold and you and on them floorboards, man, floorboards.
You don't like floorboards, I mean.
Like the fucking? Like the flamin flooring what
you when it's cold and I'm near cold, you know what I mean?
Where carpets a bit warmer in it.
You know what I mean? See are you, are you 4 carpet
(58:49):
or? Four I'm 4 carpets but I have.
Labrador flooring, because it's E It's Lab.
Lazy. It's practical.
Yeah. Practical.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's all about practicality talking.
About and I'll talk about when you need to.
Clean baths and showers are justnot practical.
When you need to clean up fucking Siggy Ash on the.
(59:10):
Carpets and fucking coat bags. It's easy to wipe them up on a
on a laminar floor I think. Fucking Siggy Ash on me.
Fucking are you a smoking inside?
Family an empty Coke bags what smoking inside?
Family. Oh I wish, I don't give a fight.
Smoke anywhere I want. He smokes having a shit, which I
still think's mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a bit,
(59:32):
yeah. I have a bit having a shit
though, but he's having a shit. I've flicked the ash in the
sink. I have a coffee.
I have a coffee. I have a.
Coffee having a shit do. You know, I get it in the input.
It's not really. Because when I shit that I love,
I'm pooing. I light up a bif there.
So there's not I was it on hygiene.
I'm not like wiping and average.Yeah, that's because I do it
(59:53):
with a coffee. How do you think?
Yeah, I have a brave. You have a you.
Take the coffee and. Prove.
Sit down, I'm in shit interest there.
There's nothing better just down.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Naked. Naked, there's nothing better.
Just having a. Sip of a Peru and I was.
Waiting for it and and and. Alright, so you'll.
Go on the toilet before you havethe thing 'cause you know it's
(01:00:14):
gonna come. I just, I don't even need it.
I'm just like it's. It's yeah, I get it.
I get pins and needles in. My legs feels.
Nice, feels nice. I get sitting on the.
Toilet something to. Do yeah, it's just like, yeah,
you go. I just go to sit on the toilet
now. It's too loud to hear.
It's like fucking what is my life?
(01:00:39):
There's too much going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I.
Don't like this? Yeah.
I'll say don't forget we've. Got that thing on.
Saturday afternoon. Where I've got to go there and
you've got to be up for the dog and take that.
And then, oh, by the way, we've only got that thing from.
Let me just have a shit first. Yeah.
And you sit down. And just squeeze something out,
yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just like smoking. So in the house though, like,
(01:01:02):
are you just smoke it on the couch in in the everywhere?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
I have the window open right? Is your dad?
Smoking. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, now. Oh, now what do you?
Mean like, well, the flat. The flat air big, you know.
Sky sky, sky sky thing. Will you go?
(01:01:24):
Skylight, skylight windows. OK so you pull off, leave a
thing and it'll be a massive dadsuit with them in the living
room. So you just open them?
I don't. Feel on Patreon Oh yeah I forgot
Sasha get it done we I. Forgot to say we do.
Hi, Paul. Who's that?
(01:01:46):
Fuck off. Who's that?
It's it's your podcast. Co host Oh it's not team.
Is it during his fraud course? It's lesson 6, how to put your.
Foot on the Wall Outrage Lesson 7.
(01:02:06):
Wozniaks. Beat, we can split it up you.
Can have that. 20 seconds How toclaim a parallel thinking?
Yeah, yeah. So hang on a minute, you hard.
Floors or carpets? Hard floors?
(01:02:27):
Oh, I'm downstairs. Carpet in a bedroom carpet.
Is all. Often, yeah.
Carpet upstairs. Yeah, but I'd like the the
carpet's just a nice. It's just cosier.
But it does get dirty. What's your comedy ick?
Comedy ick bit. This is our.
This is our. Section We do comedy.
It's comedy, ick time, things that make you go.
(01:02:57):
By people who hold the mic like that.
And stuff like just hold it too.Loud.
So it's like wobbling. Just little things like.
That that can be a bit annoying to watch, but.
I used to. I used to do that a bit earlier
on, holding it that far down. I think it makes it look as
though you're a little bit more blase with it all.
But now I like to try and go a bit higher up to try and oozie.
(01:03:21):
We don't all. Right.
Well, accommodate. They have any to be honest with
you. Nothing.
Just nothing about lying Hound, right?
That's podcast on good Simon. Another one podcast, so watch.
That comedy on Instagram, that Sam was not comedy.
(01:03:43):
Another one. Podcast going on tour 2026 and
also keep an eye out of your local pubs if.
They've got tents which I Wozniak might be there.
Let us know there might be as well and let us know in the
comments are. You are you hard flowing or
carpet guy or girls right. You've had your film now.
(01:04:13):
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Professional just speaking into the boy boy well with LinkedIn
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