March 31, 2025 • 67 mins
GBEMI IS BACK! After his last whirlwind of an episode we snapped at the chance to get another recorded with him and it doesn't disappoint. Absolute chaos from start to finish... Enjoy.
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Episode Transcript
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Not right, gay love. What's all being gay nowadays?
It's even better. Man, I'd rather be gay than a
(03:27):
non writer. Rather be gay then I don't know.
Are we ready to go? Oh, let's keep on that.
Sorry I'm late. I just had a nice I basically I
got out of the shower right. So I've live in bed all day,
just watching YouTube reels. Yeah, and I could have just got
(03:48):
up and just got me shit slaughtered.
But I wait till the last minute recording a half five.
So I've got to five past five. I live 10 minutes away from from
here, so I thought I quit. Jump in the shower now.
Yeah. So I've got in the shower, get
out, try and try and whatever. I bought a taxi now.
So I booked a taxi, a local taxiwhich is round here called
Delta. So you get like older Scouse
(04:10):
fellas, you know? What I mean, why not just get an
Uber? You don't want to help the brown
economy. No, yeah, basically I'm loyal.
Is that like a? Is that like a thing you're
doing? Great starters.
I'm loyal to my, my, my, my race.
Now I'm loyal to my local taxi firm, the Liverpool taxi firm,
(04:31):
so very, very loyal. OK.
As shopping small businesses andstuff as well, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But not, not like quarter shops,
only Indians. They're local, but they're
foreign to do you know what I mean?
Yeah, Anyway. So when you in this this taxi
firm, they ring and say I'm outside, right.
(04:52):
OK, so I've got no top on. Yeah.
And. That's that's not yeah, no, I
wanna see. You picture that pitching I've
got. No.
Top on yeah phoning so goes a little mate he goes oh mate I'm
outside said yeah go on mate have it down now and he just put
the phone there say to everything he didn't say oh
(05:14):
sound or not like that thinking.Were you upset because he didn't
like? Give me a customer.
Service. Well is that good customer, Sir,
he ain't got to say hi. I don't really, you just.
Say OK, but just no, no reply. I'm just going to beep and.
Button I'm down in a minute. I'm.
Just thinking this guy's going to be a prick.
Yeah, I just had it in me head and I, oh, by the way, I was
right. So I comes downstairs and I puts
(05:38):
me and I like to tie my shoelaces on me, on me dad's
front doorstep because it's higher, you know what I mean?
So I can reach me shoes because I'm fat.
I didn't. Yeah.
Yeah, you're not. I I am.
I had AI know. So I seized the sacks driver,
but my dad was on like a main road and the driver was a good,
(06:00):
I'd say 100 yards down there. And three for you, that's about
300 yards. Yeah, yeah.
So he flashes his lights, but I look to say this is I know
you're looking for me and this is me.
So I'm like, oh, Sammies. So I put I put me forth on the
step and it's as my lace. I like to get the laces like
correct. You know what I mean?
So fasten them takes 20 seconds.Yeah.
(06:24):
And then force. Why is he just drove you?
Because he knows it's me and buthe's still all the way down
there. Yeah, that is a Dick head.
Yeah. It's a bit of a Dick head thing.
It's awful, but I didn't swear down.
I didn't come in with no attitude, none.
Well, what didn't you do? So he he didn't try.
Outside. Basically he's he's 100 yards
away. He knows he's there.
He's like, you know, come back in it because you know, I'm big
and it's going to take me a longtime to get there.
(06:45):
I thought you. Were saying I'm sorry, I didn't
I'm not. I thought that's what you said
He No, I thought it was about the.
Would you be? Would you think he's a Dick head
though if he doesn't? See you.
Oh, no, I just thought it was. I thought what you were
commenting on. Would you know?
Would you think it's thicker though?
Yeah, but for me it's like 50 meters because I'm no, I know.
That's what I mean. You're still thinking.
I know you're right. You're right.
I'm just being, I'm being him. Oh, I just want to be on his
(07:05):
side for no reason. Right, so I.
You look to Jamie for something,all right?
I didn't mean, I just thought, wouldn't you just come here now?
So anyway, I thought I just walked there, walked there, I do
the walk, pleasant 22nd walk andhe gets in the bath and he just
(07:30):
goes fucking hell you take your time don't you?
Well if he wasn't parked 5 minutes away from man then I
then I wouldn't stop his arm andI just went then that was
awkward. Awkward second.
Oh no. Next minute I've seen you do
crowd work like that. Get a hold of quick.
(07:50):
Next minute I'm just in the bathand I was thinking, oh he's
what? He's a Dick head.
And then? There's just that sarcastic.
Tone and he got always. You got a dog?
Yeah, because my dad's got a dog.
I went. Yeah.
And he went. So I just do because you went
(08:10):
like that. Then you wiping stuff off in my
car. I just went.
Oh, wow, and then just didn't say nothing.
And then he secondly, then he went, yeah, this girl, this
girl, this girl could come in mecar a few weeks.
She'll have the name. She was doing the same thing.
She was wiping a shell, a cat I think it was cat hairs off.
And I said to her, why didn't you just go and do that outside?
Because you wouldn't do this in yours, would you?
(08:31):
She fucking scruffy guns. I was thinking Oh my God.
And then he went to me. What's she do mate?
Sadly. Oh, I'm a bartender now because
I thought what's that? Yeah, fucked that.
You never say you're a comic. It's like a Skull's taxi driver.
So I went to Barton and he went,Oh yeah, he's jobbing.
If I'm pissed all time, just just be like, just say it.
(08:51):
Just put me. I said what I said.
That's hilarious. He put you down for your fake
job and you got angry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hilarious days. Oh, you just don't do anything
as a Barton. I fucking work, don't I, mate?
Pour them drinks, man. That's hilarious.
So obviously. That's that question, Sax Savage
(09:12):
haters. Have you been busy, mate?
I thought, yeah, Wouldn't get tome.
Yeah. So you're being busy, mate.
I'm thinking yeah. What?
All that dickhead? Yeah.
Not really. Oh, it's you have a shit job in
it, to be honest. What do you mean?
You know, because if you're not busy and out loud, like there's
no, there's no guarantee. There's no way you.
Can't make people go out. Yeah, yeah, you just, you must
(09:35):
wait around for ages. Job must be sad that I just
laughed at me. So I just went back on before I
was thinking yes. And then as you get outside,
just then gives them the money. I'm not going to tip him here.
And then it folded. So you're one part and 60.
Two, you still tipped him. Still tipped him here because,
yeah, he said he wasn't busy, soI thought, you know, fair
(09:57):
enough. No, he's a Dick head mate, I
was. Just tick him.
He's got family, lad. Swear that gets all the goals on
the car. Yeah, and he went.
Fucking hell. You had a big lad.
Are you struggling to get out there?
No, I thought I too want me. That's your daughter.
Go safe journey by mate. I hope he just fucking crashes
when he's that main road now. Not Mike.
(10:17):
So I've spent all day on a couchand that's my first encounter
with someone. He's fuming lads, something
that's gone on with him today. He was just, you know,
everything. He's just probably put your dad,
you're thinking, wow, he's fucking sick.
I just don't need this now. Do what?
I mean, all the all the things you're saying to me.
Yeah. I'm too fat.
You ever drink too much? You think I don't say that to
myself every morning? I think it was yourself
(10:41):
conscious, bro. Maybe you got a lift off you in
yourself. Yeah, but you know what?
I give him a tip, some of the pixel for him because you know
what? Me Because if I, if I end up in
this mood all day, Rumi day and I can't let people like that
Rumi day, you know what I mean? No, we've got Bemi on.
That's a Bemi L depot returning gas.
Man, that bad customer service reps I get it though, it's
(11:02):
upsetting. Do you, do you flip about
customer service? Like could you, could you be a
guess towards them? Or would you you more like chill
like me and then vent to your mates and say that you're going
to do something? Oh, it depends in it because
I've had, you know, everyone's had bad customer.
Service I find. I think bad service is funny
though. Yeah, it's to me depends on it.
Yeah, because you sound like, you know, do politeness.
(11:27):
I don't know what I'm not I don't need everyone to be super
nice in it. Just do to do you know what I
mean like like I had I went to arestaurant actually in London
for my birthday a few weeks ago and great customer service, but.
What cuisine? Oh my God, mate, this horror.
I was I've never, it's the worstrestaurant I've ever been to in
(11:48):
my life, really. Was it?
Yeah, ever. What food?
What type of? Food W African and I'm W
African. Right.
Oh, so you judge it higher though?
Yes and no, right? I accept me.
Do you know what it is? Yeah, this was.
This grocery. You got dog, mate?
(12:16):
No, a sausage roll. A hot dog.
But no, it was honestly, it was West Africa.
Michelin star. Oh, OK.
Right. So do you know, do you know Big
Zoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
that. Yeah, dickhead.
But no. He does like he does like eating
(12:40):
stuff. Is that?
Right. Yeah, yeah.
He's a chef and he's a rapper. Yeah, yeah.
A bunk came out today, by the way, or whatever this comes up.
But today, big zoo, big, big album.
But yeah, he, he, he, he, he went there.
So I was like, oh, and he kind of recommended.
I said I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna go there.
So I've gone there now. Yeah.
And they've brought out like there's a very specific, I've
seen the menu. It looks Nigerian.
(13:01):
I see. I don't know what Michelin star
Nigerian food is, but I'm, I'm gonna have that.
There's a, there's a sign calledGiz Doodle, which is like one of
my favorite things. It's like, you know what Gizzard
is? Gizzard.
Yeah, Gizzard's throat in it. Yeah, yeah, of like a chicken.
I prefer the same part of a bird, right.
It's. Also, it's also sung for
bollocks, like all whimmy gizzards.
Oh, really? Oh, that makes sense.
But yeah, OK. And gizzard right down a
(13:23):
gizzard. Says that's lung.
What I say it sometimes things like West.
It's just a saying. That like West Country stuff in
it. Oh, I got me gizzard right in
there. I've never heard about.
I could barely believe it. Believe it.
But yeah, there's a thing. It's good.
Gizard and Plantain, you know. Plantain.
Yeah, yeah, I love plantain, Right.
So there's a way you make it. Chocolate frozen banana.
(13:43):
It's but honestly, it's unreal. It's unreal.
Good to get the Stew. It's made in a certain way.
Jew as well. Pardon.
Very multicultural. Very, very multicultural.
I love it but it's like. Don't leave the tip there.
No, honestly, I've I've I've hadit got that pen.
I didn't get it explain it's. New Zealand, you get a Jew.
(14:06):
We're not doing this, do you know?
Why we're not doing this? Do you know why?
Because I got accused of being antisomatic a couple weeks ago
and we'll talk about this as well.
It's nuts. But yeah, we like, so like they,
they brought the food out and like I've, I've ordered gizzard
and plantain. I know what that looks like,
mate. I know what that looks like,
Right. And it's come out.
(14:27):
Let me show you what it should look like.
Yeah. And let me show you.
Yeah, but in mid to the star restaurants they have to fancy
up the no. No, no, no.
It's worse than fancying it up, right?
Trust me. Like, trust me.
This. Yeah.
So that you don't. Fuck it out.
Which would feel like that? Do you?
That's what it should look like,right?
That's what it looks like. That's what it.
Looks like you see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool. That's what it looks like.
(14:48):
This is what I've got. Yeah, this is exactly what I've
got. Your lab just got off.
Yeah. So yeah.
So. It was horrible and get get, get
this, here's the kicker, here's the kicker, Michigan star.
They bring it out and they're like, Oh yeah, where we do it
(15:08):
different in it. Like, oh, they explain how to
eat. It no, no, they go like this.
They go, they go, they go yeah, you know, it's gizzard on
plantain, yet on the menu it says gizzard on plantain, yet
they bring it out. I'm like, oh, that was
different, but I'm not thinking maybe it's just like a, you
know, OK, it's two sides of plantain and big gizzard.
Yeah, we do it different. We don't use gizzard, we use ox.
What? So it's not good.
(15:30):
Yeah, you can't just say if I order a hamburger, you can't
just go. Yeah, but we use chicken.
But it's you. You can't fuming.
That's out of. That's out of water in it.
And they just, they just. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it just did it. Yeah, yeah.
It just tasted nice and lovely. People, words don't mean
anything. Lovely.
There you go. Lovely customer service, but I'm
(15:51):
like, that's not. You can't just change.
I'm paying for me chicken for anoffer you to you.
Can't just change the meat. Yeah, you can't just change the
meat. I was fuming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was fuming.
It tastes nice. I didn't even taste good and it
was different but I didn't even like the taste that much.
Over £200 as well. It was all bollocks bro.
(16:11):
Was it? Yeah.
Fuming. Yeah, fuming.
Not happy. Yeah, yeah, guys sometimes go to
every now and then for a treat. Go to a restaurant called 6 by
Nico and. What kind of food is that?
Changing the The Avenue menu every six weeks.
Oh, is it like? But is it like a certain like?
Yeah, it's like a tasting menu. But is it?
Is it like a certain type of food or just?
(16:32):
Everywhere they have like a Japanese, they have a Japanese
month, Mexican month, retro mum always good, amazing change the
chef do. You know that or.
No, no, no, same chefs. So it's a massive company and
they go. So I think you will get more,
you'll get different. Chefs their their executive
chefs like go around the world and taste different cuisines and
(16:54):
come up with menu ideas. So they'll they'll recreate
something classic, but it but presenting it in a in a fancy
way. It's really good.
So you come out and it don't look quite you expect.
You've done like beans on toast.Yeah, yeah.
See, I don't mind that. Like yeah, yeah, that's what I
expected. Makes it fancy.
I get that. Yeah, that's don't just.
Don't just change. Don't just.
(17:16):
Changing what it is, it's not making it fancy.
You can't just say we don't likethat meat.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like people you do with food. Yeah.
Try the trick. Me.
She needs me birthday packing it, Yeah.
I'm I'm. I'm human.
(17:39):
I'm I'm allergic to ox. Is gizzard.
Swollen too? Michelin stars.
How have they pulled out? Swollen.
Gizzard. Stupid, stupid, but yeah, I
(17:59):
think. That's why I always want to go
out. It's always stuff, you know,
like, you know, I don't. People should say you should
explore your taste buds and stuff.
That's why I just stick to be safe I.
Love you, man. I love man.
Give me Italian. I I would do the same thing no
matter the Italian restaurant, right?
Seafood, linguine, don't matter.That's what I'm that's what I'm
getting because I know I like that shit.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not very. Expensive you know your the food
(18:21):
that you like then is it Nigerian is it?
Yeah, I love Nigerian. Food.
So have you had it before? Have you got a spot?
Have you got a spot by yours then that you're not like you
know, but you wouldn't. Go.
There's a There's a place in where there's two things.
There's like there's a place in in London, It's there's three of
them called 805 Restaurants. Really, really, really good
Nigerian, Really good Nigerian. Yeah, yeah, I took home.
(18:46):
Do you know Finley Christie? Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he, he like a while ago hestarted dating this Nigerian
girl, isn't it? So he messaged me and he goes oh
bro like I need. Some.
Tips. I need like, I need to engulf
myself in the culture. Oh yeah.
So I was like, all right. Finley, Christa.
Yeah. Finn Monster in Government of
Nigerian. In the culture, wow, you know?
(19:09):
I like that though, that's nice.Yeah, So I took him.
I took him to a Nigerian restaurant.
Yeah, yeah. And it's funny when we got in
there because he don't, you know, about Jollof Rice?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what pounded Yam is?
Yeah, it's like potato, isn't it?
Yeah, you know, like you got Mashed potato, but yam is solid,
so you got pound it, you know what I mean?
You've got a pounder in it. You can't just match but yam
because it's. Pounder Yam could be like boxer
(19:30):
name. Yeah, Pounded.
Yeah, that's a good boxer name. Introduce him.
Pound Idiot. But yeah, so we went there and
Philly was like, it was so funny.
He was, he asked for like he asked for because he just
(19:53):
wanted, you know, sometimes you.Get basic sort.
Of not basic you know, you look you know the whites you get
excited sometimes right so you want every you want everything
in it yeah, so he's like yeah, can I know for that?
Can I have exactly just taking over all anyway?
So he wanted so he wanted dollarfries and he wanted pounded
Yami, which is. Two carbs.
(20:15):
It's insane. So I was like.
Going to Nando's and getting like chips and mash.
No, but it's what I get from Nando's.
Spicy chips and normal chips bang.
Mind that to me Bang red. Oh, mind that.
Wait, he's he's heavier than that because it's a full meal?
Yeah. So it's like, it's like getting
a gourmet burger and a full plate.
Like pasta. You've explained everything to
(20:36):
me this past 20 minutes with bags.
You're you know what? The burger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, OK, I get it now.
But yeah, so you know, but he hebasically he ordered.
(20:58):
He just wanted too much. And then me and it was
hilarious. We had the waitress, he said it
and we both just broke out into laughter.
We're just laughing. Like Nigerian food is great.
When I go for a coffee though, Iget rice, chips and bread.
Rice, chips and bread I. Get I get 3 carbs that's.
You know it. It depends on the portion,
though. Yeah, yeah.
(21:19):
Yeah. Depends on the portion because
like Nando's I will get, I will get like I like the chips, the
rice as. Well, two chips, mate.
Yeah, yeah, I'm. Just half and half.
You know what I mean if I have to.
No, I don't get half and half, Iget one of each.
You get 1 rice. Yeah, and one chips and then
yeah, maybe that's why you nearly.
Died the other week. That was the Chinese.
And don't bring up your trial. You mean you nearly died?
(21:39):
Choked on a chip man. Just one chip.
Yeah, one chip, Chip. Is that the worst food to to die
eating? What do you reckon the most
embarrassing food is? To like to to to die eating?
Like to choke on You get me? Yeah.
Gizzard bad. Gizzard bad from round the
front. I reckon.
Yogurt meal hasn't. I call it I'm more than yogurt.
(22:04):
Yeah, or like a rice pud. Rice pudding.
I reckon, yeah. Rice pudding, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yogurt. Yogurt is the one guilty
pleasure. Yeah, he's fucking sad.
(22:30):
I. Think as well something like
Snacker Jacks joke on a snack Jack went.
Look at that fat cunt trying to better his life.
Yeah. Low calories, yeah.
Trying to extend his life. He's.
Killed himself. He's killed himself with a snack
and be crumbs, crumbs everywhere.
CPI on him. Like just, you know, if you've
(22:56):
taken one bite, just seeing the rest of it just there, just on
the sides, like survived. It's all mate.
Fuck, that's embarrassing. Yeah, that is embarrassing.
Choked on the ship, didn't you? Yeah, choked on the ship.
Oh. No.
Yeah, man, it was, it was excitement from Hitler's first
180. Because he's he's playing darts,
No? From who's the first one?
80 this is 180. Yeah, first one.
I heard something else bloody. Yeah, brain darts, man.
(23:19):
I literally just say it was excitement from Hitler's first.
What AE I was like what? Oh no, it's his first.
What he? He he's OK.
I'm sorry I had Hitler. Which is.
You'll just Hitler on the mind, man.
Yeah, I wouldn't even call that any somatic.
Oh, that was bad. It was funny.
Yeah, it's always funny it. Was funny.
What would you get get figured? What called anti-Semitic did a
(23:43):
show January in it and woman emailed that all on topsy comedy
club called me going I've got ane-mail someone someone said
you're anti-Semitic that you I'mlike oh, what did what did they
say? And he read the e-mail.
It's the funniest e-mail ever. You allowed to share it with us
or? Oh, it's just like, because he
(24:04):
responded and he's Jewish, they don't have Mark who owns top
secrets. He responded like properly and
put a full transcript of what I actually said and said I'm
backing you up. Yeah, yeah.
He was like, yeah, He's like, he's like, I was shocked to hear
what you said he said. But then I read, luckily we
record everything and I watched it back and I have no idea what
you're talking about because I've got this joke about like,
(24:24):
politics and right wingers and how right wingers, like, are
really clever at tricking peopleinto thinking what they're not
saying. It's crazy.
So, you know, like, you hear someone say something and you're
like, oh, that's really bad. And they go, it's all right,
mate, I'm only saying what we'reall thinking.
And I'm like, oh shit, you know,I was thinking that.
It's like say you get double quarter pound a bit.
(24:47):
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mintmobile.com. And they say, and they say that
(25:53):
they say that's really unhealthyfor you.
Look, everyone. That, that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that, Yeah, yeah.
Is it? That is a version of it.
It's like I like this. I just did a joke.
I see a fat curse, by the way, mate.
(26:15):
But yeah, I was just saying how they say like they they, they
use that phrase in it where theygo.
I'm only saying, well, we're allthinking and I have no idea.
I hated the Jews, right. Yeah, I did.
I did. I'm not doing.
But you know, like when they saythings like, what's that phrase?
It's like, yeah. Oh, I like, you know, when
people go, I like him because hesays it as it is.
(26:35):
Yeah. And I'm, I don't even know what
that means, but I like it. I got an uncle.
He called me up the other day. He's like, oh, mate, I really
like this Kanye West guy, man. He, he really says it as his.
I'm really liking his stuff. And I'm like, oh shit, you like
his music. And he goes, oh, he makes music.
And I'm like, no, no, no. That's the that's the whole
joke. This woman emailed saying that I
said she's like on the 15th of January, I attend the top secret
(26:56):
comedy club. And the last act was, you know,
it was brilliant. I do know this until randomly in
the middle of his set. What they always, what they
always put in them complaints and I've got a great sense.
Yeah, me, me, me. Oh, she, she was like, oh, yeah.
And randomly in the middle of his set, he's stopped.
And outside of any comic context, she wrote the word
comic context. He just looked up to the crowd
(27:16):
and said, I don't like Jews. And they moved up really
different. I know I said.
And the crowd didn't laugh and he just moved on.
You're not mental. That would be to be doing a joke
right in the middle of a bit like just a normal bit like,
yeah, there that you got burgers, by the way, guys, Jews,
baby. It's like, what?
(27:39):
Yeah. How did I got a big back?
Right. It's like, what?
And it wasn't kosher. I'm anyway it's like that.
Is not what I said. Right.
It was crazy. And then she goes and then she
writes, this is the this is the kicker.
Then she writes, I am compelled to send this e-mail on the night
of the Holocaust Memorial Day where my grandmother died and
blah, blah blah, basically. But you know, the Holocaust
(28:01):
Memorial Day is like 27th of Janosine.
That means this. Woman.
Oh, she waited 12 days. Waited, she said.
I'm going to sit on this one. I'm gonna get him when it's most
effective. Yeah, yeah, she.
Sat on it and waited till you get me.
But. That's not it's like me waiting
for like, I don't know, someone like calling me the N word now,
(28:21):
and I'm I'm gonna wait till Martin Luther King there.
I'm gonna. Wait there.
Right I'm. Gonna wait till George Floyd.
I'm gonna wait till then. Then I will get you.
Yeah, call me a *** And it now hurts more because I'm thinking
I reflected of when that police officer had his neck.
He's not sure. Or George Floyd's neck.
When did this incident happen? On January?
You know, I mean mental, but yeah, that's why at.
(28:43):
Least at least the others, your back door, the owner as well.
Oh yeah, he fully had my back and he was hilarious.
He was. And I hate, the thing I hate
most about that is that he responds fully.
I look, she might have misheard.Maybe she like, yeah, I can
imagine she could sleep in the middle.
Said she had to work Crazy cool.But then it's like he's come
back and said, oh, come to the comedy club.
I've I've got the video safe foryou.
Obviously they're not gonna. Yeah, yeah.
(29:03):
They're not that they're. Not gonna come?
What? Did she say after that or did
she follow up? No, of course not, That's my
point. As soon as they're put down,
especially when someone goes oh I've got the whole video.
Yeah, they just got Oh, probably.
Or they probably thought oh fuckit, hell tried to cause drama
wasn't. It but yeah, yeah, it could be
that the way anyway, but. She fucked it, got away with it
anyway. Yeah, if it wasn't for them
(29:25):
pesky kids. I mean, it was crazy, but now it
was cool. But yeah, that was, that's my,
that's my anti-Semitism. So you're back up to the
Liverpool and hot water, baby. Love it.
Him. Yeah, you caused the caused
caused the storm last time, didn't you?
I did 'cause you've. Done your thing didn't you mate?
I. Did in fact also.
I want to thank you, Tony. Yeah, man.
You. You in particular, Tony, you.
I want to thank you. Why?
(29:46):
For being so lazy, you changed my life.
I changed your life for me beinglazy.
Positively affected my life for being such a lazy bastard.
Absolutely. That's sick.
What have I done? Remember last time I was here?
What happened? I didn't say to a gig exactly.
You done my gig. I did your gig and.
You got work out of it. I did the Have a word gig there.
(30:07):
I did that gig and then I met all those guys for first time.
And since then I've been on the pod, which is great because
it's, you know, bigger than thisone.
And then so I've done the have aword pod right, which is
fantastic, really gorgeously so yeah, that was good.
I did that. Then I did Don gigs.
(30:29):
I'm doing Hackney Empire with them in London as well.
So yeah, doing all of that just because you just, you know, sit
down. We actually.
We actually, we actually filmed the sketch.
Tell you what, I missed that gig.
Yeah, I've got to come back for you, mate.
Here we go. So from that, when you last
eaten, you cooked up a storm andI was probably one of the
(30:51):
leaders. Yeah, not that leader I was
probably 1. Of the leaders this is.
My leaders, that's what I thought you would say something
I was one of the leaders of on on your hype train mate, saying
he's the boy you were. You were picking me up.
You were. Then I didn't go to that gig
because I was filming by Tor promo, right or.
Is that the one where you two were in bed naked?
(31:13):
You done the gig and I made-up for you because you got it with
all that. And you know what?
You're flying and you deserve tobecause you're a funny guy.
Guess what from me missing that gig to do by tour promo.
I've just come back over first UK so sold out tour mate.
So what about that eh? Who's lazy now, eh?
You still? Yeah, I'm going to say that.
(31:34):
Yeah, just haven't made. It was a win win, didn't it?
Yeah, there we go, bro. There we go, man.
But yeah, thank you. Thank you of.
Course mate, So what have you been?
Did you do last night then? But here, yeah, I did last night
here as well. Yeah, it was really great,
really great, man. So yeah, last night, one
tonight, 3:00 tomorrow. Yeah.
(31:55):
Have you played the big room? Yeah.
Yeah, I played the big room. Yeah, first, first time I was
here, they had me let me headline the big room, which
was, which was a lot of responsibility, but big.
Group yeah, of course. Love that rooms heavy dollar.
Love that you. Want to see one of the yeah, I
think top two years in the country, number one, it's up
there. I love it.
I love it so I. Don't want I always have got
ones ones yeah, but that big onemates I just have before best
(32:17):
there yours. Big rooms tonight.
So yesterday was the. Yeah, it's like, what was the
taste the other Wednesday? It's it's a yeah, it's a Little
Theatre. Exactly but you.
You you think like, oh, 'cause you're another room.
It's like. No, I was telling some comics
though, people complain about that sometimes, you know.
Oh, there's only this way. Is that, mate?
I remember being in the back of pubs having to just when you're
in London and you gotta do a bringer, you gotta bring, Yeah,
(32:39):
a human being. And it's like now what, you want
me to complain 'cause there's 100 people in?
Oh Boo. Yeah.
I'll never complain. You're from the bomb circuit?
Yeah, Yeah. What was the bomb circuit?
Yeah, the bomb. Circuit you start to bring your
mates to gigs like that. It was.
But you can't. Play unless you bring mates.
It's true. Yeah.
(32:59):
Yeah, they're called bringers some nights, but I liked them.
To have to buy. Drinks.
Yeah, some 2 drink minimum. I didn't think they were.
I get what you mean, but they were.
They were. It sounds weird, but like at
that point you know they're coming up.
Now you're of course you. Know it's like you don't know
anything and also it's it's it does give you that especially me
like think I needed that encouragement at the beginning
(33:21):
like of knowing what it feels tokill in a full room, even if it
is artificially full. Do you ever?
Get down because obviously back then you're not saying you shit
but you obviously wasn't as good.
What do you ever get with our mates who want to come with you
anymore and see you now that you're the killer?
Oh, Dad, they don't want to comedown.
Now I want to come down because you've used all your like, your
favours back in the day, you know.
What I mean, yeah, no, but no, back in of the day, you know, I
(33:43):
had, I had one mate called Sherman.
Yeah, he used to come and see. He was the main guy.
He was like beginning. I had a guy called Jonathan and
a guy called Sherman. He would just come all the time.
So now actually, like, you know,if I got big shows coming up,
which I do, I've got like, I've got 1 coming up.
I'm doing. I don't know if I'm allowed to
say it. That's great.
I'm doing the O2 Arena in London, right?
(34:04):
Yeah. So like, I'm doing that and it's
like, hey, Sherman's like, oh mate, I'm like, yeah, I'll get
you all the VIPs you want to seehe.
Probably he was there. Man, he was the one that would
always come. To the people, whistle on that.
One I do that was with the couple, my mates who saw me and
it was like brand new and stuff and they they just never have to
(34:26):
pay for. It exactly exactly exactly how
it is I. Charge your man Still like yeah.
OK. Yeah, Yeah, right.
Cool. Business space.
We've all got to eat. You reckon that's a taxi driver
was just a mate. You forgot about that.
Yeah, somebody's like, yeah, he's gonna.
I'm gonna get him now. Yeah.
A walk. Yeah, What have you been up to,
Jay? We've been there, been playing
that still. Nah, I've had a bomb day meme on
(34:48):
just you're waking up and you'relike I got get.
Open I went. I went out to the night.
At night, you know, would you? Would you for the bit, but you
went home. Oh, pokes.
Yeah, I went to play poker the night over the water.
Oh, you did too. I did come back, I was just, I
was running a fucking bend right, which is off of me face.
Yeah, you know, they just frowned upon it up, but I'm
still sort of playing and the the next day that was yesterday
(35:12):
I was fucked, right. I mean like this one the worst
like come down. So when I'm having to come down,
I like to watch like a ROM com or something in the night.
Oh. What kind?
What kind of ROM? That's cute.
I didn't. I didn't see you.
Yeah, I. Know I like to watch an
emotional film because of I liketo like release all the emotions
the next day do. You like crying that?
Yeah, not like balling, but. You're not groveling, but it's
like. A Yeah, it's here just like a
(35:34):
machine. Machine watch you today, you
before me. No.
Oh. Man, that kills, that kills me
that Yeah, the guy, he's that he's like that he's, you know,
being an accident and he's crippled.
He's in like the wheelchairs, isn't it?
Like the lucky ones, Like the, you know, like the lucky ones,
like the ones. Yeah, but he's a multi
millionaire and then he gets a, you know, like a mind.
(35:57):
And every mind that he gets he'salways fake, throwing shit at
them and stuff. Wait.
What's his phone call again? You before me?
You think it's called me? Before you, me.
Before you. Yeah, before you.
And then he gets this, this nanny thing, like they'll look
after him, but she's she's hot and he falls in love with her
and then she shows him that there's more to life than being
fucking, you know, You know whatI mean.
(36:17):
So then. But then he's only made his mind
up and going to Switzerland to kill himself and and he kills
himself bro. Oh, he does.
Even after he's like fell in love and she's sad to say, like
don't think you've got this pussy pussy now.
And he's like, no, no. And was he?
Was he? Was he whacking it before he?
Didn't show you that like for I can imagine so, but I don't know
if it's working. You know what I mean.
So maybe that maybe that's what it was.
(36:38):
Maybe he was like oh like I can't fucking I can't shagger
imagine falling over some bad some bad loves you back, but you
really doesn't work bro like you're ending that.
He was getting so. Vigorbile, you're ending it,
lads. But she loves you regardless.
And all, but you'll never be able to fucking feel her.
(36:59):
What? It's much more romantic than my
vision you're being. Yeah, I can't feel her.
See, I just save loads of money on Budgie on that film that.
Sounds like a sweet film, that. Is proper sweet and that sounds
for if the words explain it, I'mjust joking.
Can you watch it? Ladders swear.
(37:20):
You know, I've just spoiled his love everyone, but at the end,
yeah lads, when he does it, you're just like, why?
You've got a. Yeah, man.
He's ended like a king, but. I normally like doing that want
to come down off a when a party and stuff.
I like to watch like that. Obviously you classics, the
notebook and stuff like that. And then I love that.
Like I go to bed and I'm like I'm all we can all be just it's
(37:44):
gone and then I wake up next daybrand new.
But then I woke up today and no,I was still sad so I might have
to watch it the one tonight. Let's go up and clean the house
because girlfriend's mum is coming down to diet rare so it's
the house is a mess and that's got to clean it up.
Johnny can't be showing a dirty house out and that I'm just.
(38:07):
Do you see clean all the time you.
Know it's just you, isn't it? Just follows me around lad
everywhere. It's just seriously, have you
noticed that they have a cleaneras well?
They always clean and it's just always oh.
No, we sat the cleaner. Oh, that's why they got rid of
the cleaner. It's just a fucking joke.
Everything's so fucking. Why'd you sat the cleaner?
(38:31):
What? Why'd you sat the cleaner of
your house? Because we got a dog and we had
to be just money mate. And then fucking pussy fucking
dawdled one. We used to have a we used to
have a mint cleaner. Like she was sick.
You guys just got me a bit bank spotless 2 hours off.
I'm off cashing and off a pop. This other one just came.
(38:51):
She just got homeless fucker. She just went off too much and
said fuck it, I'll take you down, don't you?
I got to me before. I love making him die.
You won't. Get me mate, I don't give a fuck
today. Yeah, but I had a chippy dinner
though, so that made me happy, right?
(39:13):
Yesterday. No Today.
Oh, oh, dinner. Mid-day, yeah.
Like a daytime chippy. Yeah, that's what fuck it, boom.
I'm living my life 12 hour 12. Can you get Chippy at that time?
Yeah. Fair, we'll deliver.
Now putting chips and gravy. What?
Wow, our Chinese for breakfast. Did you?
Leftover big bowl. Our big bowl.
(39:34):
Are you going to go there tonight?
Wasn't we? Yeah.
Oh. My God, every time I'm in
Liverpool I believe that's the ritual.
It's not the best Chinese though.
It's average one. Really.
Yeah. Shit, really?
Yeah, I think so. Bitch.
I think it's average. I like it.
What? Big, but it's not the best
Chinese well. Where where else?
That's the only one I have. That's that's the literally I've
never no one else has told me where to.
(39:55):
I won't go. I think Phil Chapman I don't
wrote on me to go. That's why I've been there.
Look at me. You're right.
Yeah, but is it? I don't want that.
Whatever that whatever made you that.
I don't want that. I don't want that.
I don't want that. You think that's big ball?
How big is this fucking ball? Yeah, why you telling me too big
(40:15):
Pot Noodle? I want to say you're best
Charlies North. That's what it's called North
Guard. N Garden Chinatown.
Yeah, you've got a stall. Yeah, all.
Right. But oh, it's wait, they got a
store in the in the. Stall is that it's the best I
think in the whole building, butthe restaurants even better,
(40:37):
like it's the best N garden Chinatown.
You've got a Mimi opposite big ball, which is go ports
expensive, but it's all right. Indian.
Do you like Indian? I love Indian food.
You've got you and I, which is just like 5 minutes away from
big ball that's fucking. You and I, yeah.
Me and you went there, haven't we?
Yeah. Did you come with us?
Yeah. Yeah, that's why.
(40:59):
I do love Indian food, you know,It could be in India, you know,
and India got. Stuck in the seat as well.
That was funny. You got stuck in the seat in.
Why are you just live you? Got stuck in that booth thing,
remember? Oh, you're talking a booth.
What? So he sat down and he stood up
and the chair came up with him. Is that what happened?
No, there was like we couldn't fit in.
(41:20):
Do you remember? You couldn't fit in?
No. It was just a bit.
It was the same. It was a bit tight on there.
I just said can we move somewhere else?
That's fair, I know it is. I want.
To be called a story have you seen this there's a woman in
America that's suing on what they called not Uber Bolt.
There's like a Lyft or one of them, one of the car ride, I
think it's called Lyft. Yeah, there's she's doing Lyft
(41:41):
and she's she's big and, and andhonestly, she's big like you're
not honestly, she's so. Yeah, she's fat.
She's so incredible. She's fat.
Just looks like a puddle. Like, like, yeah, I'm not even
kidding. She's compared to you and I'm
not exaggerating. At least twice, I reckon.
(42:01):
Like, oh, she's. Big she's.
Big, I want, I'm not big. And she's yeah, yeah, yeah.
So she's big. And I think she got a, she got
a, she got a ride on on the, theUber drive, the the driver was
like. You're not getting in.
You're not getting in suspensions footwear.
Yeah, exactly. He's got a right though, aren't
he? Yeah, for you, for you to laugh
(42:24):
at someone being. It's not that she's still got
skinny ass, she's just a big circle.
Oh wow. Yeah, no, she's so.
She she after a few. Drinks.
But do you know what I've got? A few drinks.
Now you won't. What?
Wait. What did you say?
Wait. Oh, really?
You have. A good gig last night.
I'll lick you up man. I saw an interview of her.
(42:47):
Every arm deserves to be bounded, do you think?
That's wrong, No. Do you think that's wrong?
I think that's I was going to beright to to refuse.
I don't know. I was on offence in it.
I was like. I'll be, I'll stop and call.
I'll just say, listen, Gay, I thought, I'll just have part of
me. Was like part of me was like, Oh
yes, but then also I don't know,sometimes I thought of it and
I'm like, I'm like, she probablycould have got in the car and
(43:10):
the guy was just being a Dick. I don't know.
She's not. She's.
Not like she's like she's. Big, but she can, yeah, she can,
she can walk around like. So it's like you're big.
But then sometimes I think people see someone big like that
and they use it as an excuse to be a Dick head because they know
a lot of people go Oh yeah, but look how big you are.
It's like, well, you don't have to like yeah, yeah, you know
what I mean? It's.
(43:30):
Like my opinion is if it was in front of people, stuff that like
that, and he made a country, yeah, that I hope she takes him
to the cleaners. But if it's just M2 and it's
just him saying listen girl, youyou're quite big and.
This and this is a mini. Right now.
But you know, if you started like politely, yeah.
(43:50):
Then when he's not, I was away and she's pinning the piston
down. Rain crying.
Yeah. Then she should go to herself.
Fuck me, I need to change you. I've just been knocked back for
the Saxis. I've seen someone seen someone
in Florida, like she was screaming at the staff because
she couldn't get in the roller coaster and she was refusing to
(44:11):
get off on that. That's not that's her fault.
I know they have practice seats outside for fat cunts.
Really. Yeah, honestly.
Honestly they have practice seats outside.
You've. Got roller coasters legit, I'm
not saying that. I don't go.
I've got a story. I've told her.
It's quite, it's quite famous. When I was younger, I went on
the ride, you know, with the things that come down.
(44:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it didn't fit.
And then I, I was on a date withthis bird and it didn't fit.
And then you had to like, pull everyone else's up.
And I actually like I was you. Oh my.
(44:55):
God, she must have got the Ickencapital letters.
Oh my God. Oh no, did she, did she, did she
leave on the ride? Did she stayed on the ride?
She's on the ride. You should have only in air for
(45:28):
like a week. Oh the fuck you should have.
You should have done Ramadan. You should have.
Oh that's tragic. So what happened with the go
after? Actually, she everybody, she
takes it for a a good couple of years.
Oh, that's, oh, she's. Lovely.
Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, no, she's.
(45:49):
I wasn't, I'm not asked. I've never been like I'm not
asked. But some girls, like some girls
get, just don't know. She was, No, she, she, she, she,
she loved me because I was just always laughing about like
always take the piss out. That's good.
That's good. She pump?
No. Oh, she's.
Gorgeous mate, she was what I got away.
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You mentioned it, so we have a thing called Comedy X.
Do you have any Comedy X? What things I don't like?
(47:15):
Yeah, like I don't like people older than might like that.
Interesting. I don't really.
Oh, I see you like you know. What I mean?
This, this thing here? Yeah.
Shaking like that. OK, yeah, I don't know.
That's a good point. I don't have any comedy.
I don't always love when people do comedy about comedy.
I don't like that. I don't like that either.
Well, I like breakdown. The joke?
No. Or it's like, do you?
(47:37):
Mean talk about gigs and stuff. Yeah, I don't like that that
much. People do it and there's funny
jokes. In green rooms.
On on stage. Oh me, I hate that.
Yeah, they love, they love this in, they love this in Coventry.
(47:59):
Yeah. I've got, I've got the biggest
part of that, that, that, yeah, that's, that's a comedy, isn't
it? Yeah, yeah.
Just do the. Because they're shortly trying
to say, listen, I gig all the time, man.
Yeah, we've said that. We've said that.
And it also ruins the illusion that yeah, yeah, it's just here
and. I was speaking to the audience
that yeah, they're like, oh, areyou OK, Here's your name and
what you do with that And he's like home school teacher and
(48:21):
they go drug dealer then be like.
No, I teach. I teach math.
I told you, do you hit the kids?No.
(48:41):
What's your name? Went Niall went right the river.
That's embarrassed. I'll cry.
Like the river or the. River And he went, He went.
Yeah, I went. I just made all the comics in
(49:03):
the back of the room. Just climb.
Is it to me? Like I was doing it to get like,
OK, that's the 10 people, 10 comics in the back of the room.
That's fine. That's why you've got, you've
got. Yeah, sometimes you've got to do
it for. Us I would love to live really
dying me sometimes you love whatdeliberately dying yeah you know
what I mean oh that's just goingdown the road just to make.
Are you like, is it like there'sdying and there's there's, is it
(49:25):
pure? Dying.
No, not pure dying, not real dying.
I mean like because. You're still in control in it.
There's never real lying. Little corny jokes like that
though. I I bought some when he's when
he's watching me, yeah, I start dying right because I keep doing
it and so just doing the water get away with it.
I'll just carry. On.
I've got no shame, I'm just OK, you know, so.
Gosh, yeah. That's that's a comedy I can't
(49:47):
think of anymore. I mean, I'm sure there's more,
but that that one, yeah. In the green room and he's
slacking someone off and someonedefends him.
I've done that a few times. I've defended a few.
People read the room, bro. Yeah, yeah.
I'll do it. I'll come to the I don't like
because I don't like. I don't like talking about other
communities at all. Yeah, no.
(50:08):
People are quite you. You know what they say.
What? They say.
I'm not repeating. I'm not gossiping.
Do you join in? No.
It's just, it's just to be fair,so.
You don't. You don't.
You don't defend me. Yeah well I'm not going to look
anti-Semitic as well. I'm not going down that rude
mate. I'm very safe bro.
(50:31):
I read any Patreon correspondence Daniel.
Patreon, by the way, is something that gives US1 or
£3.00 a month. Yeah.
Do you have tears or just the? Plenty of tears when the numbers
go down. What tears would you?
Free. Yeah, free 5 and 10.
You were talking about tears. Oh, wait.
Oh, you were doing, you were doing like a punny, punny thing.
(50:52):
I didn't. I didn't see you as a punny guy.
I don't, mate. You're a punny guy.
No, I just saw saw open goal on it.
Open goal but you cleared off the line honestly.
You got to come to watch me whenI'm down.
London on me so. What's the date?
Let me know. Let me know what the date.
(51:14):
Is why is your ashes open for me?
I'm open for you if you you knowif I'm free.
And you're paying. I'm paying.
How much? I mean, how many patrons you
got? It's 3 digits like.
You got what, 3 digits Patrons? Not I've got four there.
What 4 digit patrons, not 4? The dwindling.
So you got, you got. 3 1/2. 3 1/2 thousand patrons.
(51:36):
Yeah. OK, cool.
Yeah, I'll open for you. Yeah.
Yeah, bring the burgers, Love. That's the name of the show.
Bring the burgers. I'd love that everyone's got to
bring a burger to come to this. Show bring your own burger you
(51:57):
bring. Your just audience.
Members. Harling patties at you on stage.
Do you like the Square Theatre? Oh, that's good.
That's a good room. I did that a couple weeks ago.
Yeah, there's someone open for someone there.
It's a great room. So I've got loads of fans down
here, mates to set. The same as saying that I'm
scared to go down South. So I'm saying how am I here to
watch? I just don't think my comedy
(52:18):
I've. No, but there's every even
there's every type. Of audience courses.
And everywhere. Do you know what I mean?
So it's like, just keep passing.And if they're coming for you,
they like, you know, they like machine.
Machine. Yeah, machine.
Yeah, machine I've backed. Him.
I've backed him bro, I've backedme and he needs to pull his
fucking finger out. What do you mean you're back?
(52:41):
There's a private big boy. What do you mean?
You mean you mean Turkish mushroom?
How's he your boy? How'd you know mushrooms?
I put on Tony. Can't love friends like 2 1/2
years. Yeah, I I found him for those.
You would have got a. Great set lad.
Can we, can we be friends? And he went Nah, fuck off him
with Tony shut. Up you burger eating cunts.
(53:05):
That's what I've got. To do you guys fighting over
Mussin, This is great. He's going to love this.
Yeah. You know, Mussin is a great
comic. No.
Listen. Like, yeah.
Let's hear your story there. We'll see that.
I physically put money on him. I've put money on him.
In my pocket there's a private group and we all picked a comic
and they had to be under 10,000 followers and the first one to
get 200,000 wins and I picked him.
(53:28):
Sorry, what? Who's in this private group?
Because I've got a I'm. I'm I'm, I don't, I don't want
to be. It feels weird betting on
humans. Yeah, as.
You've got a fucking problem youdon't know.
Yeah, you've got, you're a scrambler.
You're. Betting on the fucking fuck
that. I Joe once.
(53:51):
By the way, it's genius idea. Joe once I generally went on
Paddy Power live track to try and ask for odds for the
Edinburgh Fringe Awards. I've got inside info, do you
know what I mean? I.
Didn't. Know you can just bet on
anything. You can't bet like you can.
Ask them. You can.
(54:12):
Ask them, did they? Did they respond?
You know they couldn't find it. The personal speakers was a fit
cunt so. Before we were recording, I was
speaking to Benny about what you2 are like basically, and I said
if he's got 100 grand, it'd be gone within a month.
And he was like, really? How long do you think 100 grand
(54:32):
that last year's? Well, I got, I'm not saying how
much I got on tour, but that went in.
Three or four, yeah. Six figures though, yeah.
I think my last, I think my lasta while me because I've I've
changed late, late last few weeks.
I think, I think I've, you know,got up a little bit more.
Germany Germany said that the other day.
(54:55):
I'm not lying. No, no German.
You said it. The other name was laughed in
your face. Yeah.
Then you're gonna start saving. So then he starts saving, I
probably didn't hear and he wentjust carpet stop.
Laughing, I was like, shut up, that's why.
You're not saving, man. Save your money, man.
No. You're not saving nothing.
You're like Andrea Nana bro. Yeah, he's had some shockers,
(55:18):
research some shockers. But yeah, save your money
though. People be spending money on.
I saw someone I saw online the other day, someone spent an
advert came up for strawberry. Have you seen these strawberries
from Japan? People are ordering strawberries
from Japan. Just one.
Like 10 grand. Nice like 20 LB just one
strawberry like. Edible.
(55:39):
I know you're a Dick head for doing that, but.
No, no, I've always sent. That like edible strawberry.
Yeah, but like just one solitary.
Strawberry. Yeah, it's like a perfect.
Strawberry. Strawberry for a human fuming
one, not a bunch, 1 strawberry, but £20.
Yeah, someone's spending bloody £100 just to get there. 5A day,
(56:00):
bro, and they're eating it and the woman's like, Oh yeah, this
is, this is so worth it. I'm like, bro, rich people be
doing it, yeah. No, I've seen you doing.
Shit that it's unnecessary. I've seen the most expensive
straw in the world. It wasn't it 10 grand that are
mate honestly like gold. So do you know but it?
It's got. Can you?
See, it like that made me properleft wing.
(56:20):
I'm not gonna lie, I feel like that made me proper left wing.
And you know what? I realised you should have made
me left wing. And I've seen people spend money
on like islands, humans, you know, or whatever.
But like the, the price of that strawberry upset me.
It really did. I think I cared more about the
price of that strawberry, to be honest, than like the conditions
of the kid that picked it. If I'm really big, it really
(56:45):
upset me. I was like you.
I mean and. I can't buy never like kids
probably get a good way. Together, yeah. 6 a couple of
days from Charlie yeah, probably.
They'll be awful there I. Don't know what they do.
You're right. So they won't even be fresh to
preserve it. They probably put fake shit on
it. Anyway.
Can you Google the most expensive strive in the world?
Just one. Percent didn't.
What didn't Port Hollywood have like a £350 one?
(57:07):
Yes, that's what I'm thinking. That's.
The one you're thinking about, yeah.
Yeah, not ten Grand 35350. That's what I'm reading.
Is that what you found £350? Yeah, 350 put the size of a
baseball that's big that I mean it's.
Not 350, it's. Not, but that's like fist size,
isn't it? Nearly.
Saffron 350. Honestly.
(57:29):
My. 3:50. I'm not trying to justify it,
I'm just saying that. Why you guys imagine putting
that in a smoothie? I'd kill myself.
Just. Seeing it blend away for.
Pension, No. He's so upset.
Oh, it's too much. I want strawberries.
Too much money. I'm sorry.
(57:50):
Yeah, underground, I think, I think it will last me a while
because I am changing because I have blew, I blew everything I
never had. So I'm probably better than it
was, to be honest. The trick is just put like have
an amount where you get buddy, just have an amount that you're
like, do you know what? I'll put that away.
But my issue. Is and then the rest of it.
(58:11):
Allow yourself to do whatever you want.
When you're off your head on drugs, No.
Yeah, you've got, you've got no concept of time or money.
Yeah, I. Just fuck I sent I sent my
girlfriend £500 just to say keepit away from me.
That's what you should do, yeah.Just I haven't got a girlfriend.
Well, you know, I'll, I'll keep it.
Put it at the put it. Can we kiss?
What? What did you say?
(58:37):
Is that a Japanese strawberry pocket?
Are you just pleased to see? No, it's a Nigerian banana.
(59:01):
Nigerian banana and oxtail. No, bend over and let me pound
that yam. Fuck's sake.
What are you going on? What are you about to read?
Some patron thing like 10 hours.You need to do it now and stop
(59:24):
us. What's the best inside joke
you've been a part of? Oh.
That's inside joke. It's a joke.
We did we we can't fish with me in like year nine.
We all had like a little login. For an MSN I'm having the same
order. How about Kathy should be Dad?
It should be stand up. That's funny.
(59:47):
I don't know if I've been I've. Done it Well, I've done it.
I've done it once. I've had one on me because I was
like a little bumming school andthat they, in fact they invited
me round to play and I thought fucking hell, I've been invited
round and I ran round and they they'd super glued a pound to
the pavement and watched me pickit up and I laughed at me out
the window. That's mean.
(01:00:10):
I think that's reminded me of when that happened to me at uni
as well. These into me, not that these
people. We used to have this Facebook
group at uni where people would like spot, like people that they
found a track and they just put it in a group and they go, who's
this person I want to like? I want to find them because I
really find them. Yeah, Rush, I'm a crush and.
(01:00:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then like, so, so then I had
that my picture popped up as well and he's like, and I said
Oh yeah, who's this guy? And he's like, and I was like
really, you know, it's just my mates.
I thought it was some nice bird.Didn't.
I yeah, I was so upset. I said that's mean.
That is mean. Yeah, because that boost your
(01:00:51):
confidence and. Then you're like, Oh no, nobody
was. I had, I had Valentine's Day off
like some family that we adoptedoff like the girl from there
from year from year 10. I was in year 8.
So I went in the little year 8 card and then it got out and
everyone was like you shag your sister and all that.
(01:01:13):
And then, oh, that was bad one and another one.
Do you remember Pixel? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so Pixel. Pixel was like social media back
in the day, like Website 3. Yeah, you should know pixel,
pixel. So pixel space it was like.
(01:01:35):
What year was it? Year 11, so, so 07.
OK, so it was before I wasn't, but I wasn't in the concert, so
maybe that's why it was. It was in Nigeria.
It was still on. It was so pixel, so sort of
thing. And you have like you, it's like
a web page basically. It's your own page.
Yeah, it's like Myspace, but Pixel, Pixel and and when we was
(01:01:57):
leaving high school, a girl, girl.
Well, I'm just getting pictures of everyone.
Like it's like the first incineration of selfies, you
know, I'm just getting pictures of everyone.
So remember and put them on my Pixel wall.
And she you have like little subwalls, you know, like the girls.
And then I was on the ugly wall.Oh no, these are not even.
(01:02:20):
That's not even an inside. Joke.
Well, everyone else do apart from me.
Yeah, but what Brick? Get on bro.
The uglies. Yeah, you look.
Like you've been run over by a boss.
The fucking big chin, maggot. So back on tonight mate.
(01:02:48):
All weekend as well. Looking forward.
To it, looking very much forwardto it Nice love, love this club,
love the people of Liverpool I've.
Got some very. Specific Liverpool based jokes
for you a lot as well. So what about that big ball, eh?
Nah, don't worry. Yeah.
See if you need any help becauseas you can see I'm good with the
(01:03:09):
cloud where? You just hit me up.
You know, for what? Assistance with what?
You know, case, you know it's called Mile.
No. What I want you to do tonight.
Yeah, What I want you to do, if you'll do it for me.
I want you to ask every I. Forgot what do you get tonight?
Yeah, every lad on the front row, yeah.
I mean, yeah, I can't wait. I want you to ask every lad
until you get a Nile, right. You want me to get Nile, but
(01:03:33):
this is the part of it. And then then you go fuck sake.
And then he Niles in do that foryou.
What time does your show start? 8:00.
I might come, I might come. Go and see the baddest baby hot
waters green room. I might.
I might ambush it. Yeah, we just come in, we'll
play. Just run on Stone Cold.
(01:03:54):
Stone calls music. Just run on stage.
We're on stage. I do.
Will that, will that will you? Would that be fine?
Just run on, Yeah? We don't get on.
Fuck off. Yeah, Might just just just fuck
on. Yeah.
Just skip. Someone just join us.
Yes. Skip.
Swell from Rome. Just bounce.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just walk across the stage.
We made we. Made some guy are funny.
Last week we made some guy. He's his girlfriend that bought
(01:04:14):
him tickets to our show, live show.
For for there. For Christmas, then she fucked
him off yeah. So we come on his own because it
was his present. And then we asked at the end we
we at the end of 15 minutes, we get the audience to ask those
questions. So he said excuse me.
We were like, hello. And he was like, just want some
advice because me girlfriend bought us tickets for for the
(01:04:36):
show for Christmas. And she's she's she's left me is
what? How could I wear her back?
So I said, come up here, mate, come up here.
So we got him up there. We got him to sing Bruno Mars.
What's that song? I kind of bought you flowers.
That one, yeah. So we got him to sing that to
her on how we put her on the clip and then when she finished
Jamie just said well you do knowas you're singing and she's
(01:05:00):
getting walloped back home by somewhere else lad.
I've done four years thing. Well, lads, he's a menace.
You know he's a menace. Yeah, yeah, we all got involved.
He clipped it to try and get a back and a Jamie says that
that's true. It is true.
It's the whole thing. And you're texting the girl and
(01:05:21):
and then she says, oh, sorry, I fell asleep.
But you know, she's getting tired, walloped.
Walloped. I fell asleep with a cock in my
mouth. I might, I might.
I might try to say that tonight on stage for some reason.
Yeah. Walloped.
Walloped is, yeah. Remember when Hitler wallop the
Jews? Lies well.
(01:05:47):
No, no. No, no, no.
That is a podcast. Thank you very.
Much all right bemi all the depot go and follow him.
Comedy Bemi all instares bemi comedy bemi comedy.
Sorry bro. If you had local taxi drivers in
Liverpool, please be nice. Yeah, well, don't.
(01:06:07):
It was funny. See, now I'm happy again.
Yeah, let's. Go, let's go.
Nice all nice Sears. Location The lab Quinton only
(01:06:34):
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mansgate.com. Let's get into the episode.
Not right, gay love. What's all being gay nowadays?
It's even better. Man, I'd rather be gay than a
(03:27):
non writer. Rather be gay then I don't know.
Are we ready to go? Oh, let's keep on that.
Sorry I'm late. I just had a nice I basically I
got out of the shower right. So I've live in bed all day,
just watching YouTube reels. Yeah, and I could have just got
(03:48):
up and just got me shit slaughtered.
But I wait till the last minute recording a half five.
So I've got to five past five. I live 10 minutes away from from
here, so I thought I quit. Jump in the shower now.
Yeah. So I've got in the shower, get
out, try and try and whatever. I bought a taxi now.
So I booked a taxi, a local taxiwhich is round here called
Delta. So you get like older Scouse
(04:10):
fellas, you know? What I mean, why not just get an
Uber? You don't want to help the brown
economy. No, yeah, basically I'm loyal.
Is that like a? Is that like a thing you're
doing? Great starters.
I'm loyal to my, my, my, my race.
Now I'm loyal to my local taxi firm, the Liverpool taxi firm,
(04:31):
so very, very loyal. OK.
As shopping small businesses andstuff as well, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But not, not like quarter shops,
only Indians. They're local, but they're
foreign to do you know what I mean?
Yeah, Anyway. So when you in this this taxi
firm, they ring and say I'm outside, right.
(04:52):
OK, so I've got no top on. Yeah.
And. That's that's not yeah, no, I
wanna see. You picture that pitching I've
got. No.
Top on yeah phoning so goes a little mate he goes oh mate I'm
outside said yeah go on mate have it down now and he just put
the phone there say to everything he didn't say oh
(05:14):
sound or not like that thinking.Were you upset because he didn't
like? Give me a customer.
Service. Well is that good customer, Sir,
he ain't got to say hi. I don't really, you just.
Say OK, but just no, no reply. I'm just going to beep and.
Button I'm down in a minute. I'm.
Just thinking this guy's going to be a prick.
Yeah, I just had it in me head and I, oh, by the way, I was
right. So I comes downstairs and I puts
(05:38):
me and I like to tie my shoelaces on me, on me dad's
front doorstep because it's higher, you know what I mean?
So I can reach me shoes because I'm fat.
I didn't. Yeah.
Yeah, you're not. I I am.
I had AI know. So I seized the sacks driver,
but my dad was on like a main road and the driver was a good,
(06:00):
I'd say 100 yards down there. And three for you, that's about
300 yards. Yeah, yeah.
So he flashes his lights, but I look to say this is I know
you're looking for me and this is me.
So I'm like, oh, Sammies. So I put I put me forth on the
step and it's as my lace. I like to get the laces like
correct. You know what I mean?
So fasten them takes 20 seconds.Yeah.
(06:24):
And then force. Why is he just drove you?
Because he knows it's me and buthe's still all the way down
there. Yeah, that is a Dick head.
Yeah. It's a bit of a Dick head thing.
It's awful, but I didn't swear down.
I didn't come in with no attitude, none.
Well, what didn't you do? So he he didn't try.
Outside. Basically he's he's 100 yards
away. He knows he's there.
He's like, you know, come back in it because you know, I'm big
and it's going to take me a longtime to get there.
(06:45):
I thought you. Were saying I'm sorry, I didn't
I'm not. I thought that's what you said
He No, I thought it was about the.
Would you be? Would you think he's a Dick head
though if he doesn't? See you.
Oh, no, I just thought it was. I thought what you were
commenting on. Would you know?
Would you think it's thicker though?
Yeah, but for me it's like 50 meters because I'm no, I know.
That's what I mean. You're still thinking.
I know you're right. You're right.
I'm just being, I'm being him. Oh, I just want to be on his
(07:05):
side for no reason. Right, so I.
You look to Jamie for something,all right?
I didn't mean, I just thought, wouldn't you just come here now?
So anyway, I thought I just walked there, walked there, I do
the walk, pleasant 22nd walk andhe gets in the bath and he just
(07:30):
goes fucking hell you take your time don't you?
Well if he wasn't parked 5 minutes away from man then I
then I wouldn't stop his arm andI just went then that was
awkward. Awkward second.
Oh no. Next minute I've seen you do
crowd work like that. Get a hold of quick.
(07:50):
Next minute I'm just in the bathand I was thinking, oh he's
what? He's a Dick head.
And then? There's just that sarcastic.
Tone and he got always. You got a dog?
Yeah, because my dad's got a dog.
I went. Yeah.
And he went. So I just do because you went
(08:10):
like that. Then you wiping stuff off in my
car. I just went.
Oh, wow, and then just didn't say nothing.
And then he secondly, then he went, yeah, this girl, this
girl, this girl could come in mecar a few weeks.
She'll have the name. She was doing the same thing.
She was wiping a shell, a cat I think it was cat hairs off.
And I said to her, why didn't you just go and do that outside?
Because you wouldn't do this in yours, would you?
(08:31):
She fucking scruffy guns. I was thinking Oh my God.
And then he went to me. What's she do mate?
Sadly. Oh, I'm a bartender now because
I thought what's that? Yeah, fucked that.
You never say you're a comic. It's like a Skull's taxi driver.
So I went to Barton and he went,Oh yeah, he's jobbing.
If I'm pissed all time, just just be like, just say it.
(08:51):
Just put me. I said what I said.
That's hilarious. He put you down for your fake
job and you got angry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hilarious days. Oh, you just don't do anything
as a Barton. I fucking work, don't I, mate?
Pour them drinks, man. That's hilarious.
So obviously. That's that question, Sax Savage
(09:12):
haters. Have you been busy, mate?
I thought, yeah, Wouldn't get tome.
Yeah. So you're being busy, mate.
I'm thinking yeah. What?
All that dickhead? Yeah.
Not really. Oh, it's you have a shit job in
it, to be honest. What do you mean?
You know, because if you're not busy and out loud, like there's
no, there's no guarantee. There's no way you.
Can't make people go out. Yeah, yeah, you just, you must
(09:35):
wait around for ages. Job must be sad that I just
laughed at me. So I just went back on before I
was thinking yes. And then as you get outside,
just then gives them the money. I'm not going to tip him here.
And then it folded. So you're one part and 60.
Two, you still tipped him. Still tipped him here because,
yeah, he said he wasn't busy, soI thought, you know, fair
(09:57):
enough. No, he's a Dick head mate, I
was. Just tick him.
He's got family, lad. Swear that gets all the goals on
the car. Yeah, and he went.
Fucking hell. You had a big lad.
Are you struggling to get out there?
No, I thought I too want me. That's your daughter.
Go safe journey by mate. I hope he just fucking crashes
when he's that main road now. Not Mike.
(10:17):
So I've spent all day on a couchand that's my first encounter
with someone. He's fuming lads, something
that's gone on with him today. He was just, you know,
everything. He's just probably put your dad,
you're thinking, wow, he's fucking sick.
I just don't need this now. Do what?
I mean, all the all the things you're saying to me.
Yeah. I'm too fat.
You ever drink too much? You think I don't say that to
myself every morning? I think it was yourself
(10:41):
conscious, bro. Maybe you got a lift off you in
yourself. Yeah, but you know what?
I give him a tip, some of the pixel for him because you know
what? Me Because if I, if I end up in
this mood all day, Rumi day and I can't let people like that
Rumi day, you know what I mean? No, we've got Bemi on.
That's a Bemi L depot returning gas.
Man, that bad customer service reps I get it though, it's
(11:02):
upsetting. Do you, do you flip about
customer service? Like could you, could you be a
guess towards them? Or would you you more like chill
like me and then vent to your mates and say that you're going
to do something? Oh, it depends in it because
I've had, you know, everyone's had bad customer.
Service I find. I think bad service is funny
though. Yeah, it's to me depends on it.
Yeah, because you sound like, you know, do politeness.
(11:27):
I don't know what I'm not I don't need everyone to be super
nice in it. Just do to do you know what I
mean like like I had I went to arestaurant actually in London
for my birthday a few weeks ago and great customer service, but.
What cuisine? Oh my God, mate, this horror.
I was I've never, it's the worstrestaurant I've ever been to in
(11:48):
my life, really. Was it?
Yeah, ever. What food?
What type of? Food W African and I'm W
African. Right.
Oh, so you judge it higher though?
Yes and no, right? I accept me.
Do you know what it is? Yeah, this was.
This grocery. You got dog, mate?
(12:16):
No, a sausage roll. A hot dog.
But no, it was honestly, it was West Africa.
Michelin star. Oh, OK.
Right. So do you know, do you know Big
Zoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
that. Yeah, dickhead.
But no. He does like he does like eating
(12:40):
stuff. Is that?
Right. Yeah, yeah.
He's a chef and he's a rapper. Yeah, yeah.
A bunk came out today, by the way, or whatever this comes up.
But today, big zoo, big, big album.
But yeah, he, he, he, he, he went there.
So I was like, oh, and he kind of recommended.
I said I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna go there.
So I've gone there now. Yeah.
And they've brought out like there's a very specific, I've
seen the menu. It looks Nigerian.
(13:01):
I see. I don't know what Michelin star
Nigerian food is, but I'm, I'm gonna have that.
There's a, there's a sign calledGiz Doodle, which is like one of
my favorite things. It's like, you know what Gizzard
is? Gizzard.
Yeah, Gizzard's throat in it. Yeah, yeah, of like a chicken.
I prefer the same part of a bird, right.
It's. Also, it's also sung for
bollocks, like all whimmy gizzards.
Oh, really? Oh, that makes sense.
But yeah, OK. And gizzard right down a
(13:23):
gizzard. Says that's lung.
What I say it sometimes things like West.
It's just a saying. That like West Country stuff in
it. Oh, I got me gizzard right in
there. I've never heard about.
I could barely believe it. Believe it.
But yeah, there's a thing. It's good.
Gizard and Plantain, you know. Plantain.
Yeah, yeah, I love plantain, Right.
So there's a way you make it. Chocolate frozen banana.
(13:43):
It's but honestly, it's unreal. It's unreal.
Good to get the Stew. It's made in a certain way.
Jew as well. Pardon.
Very multicultural. Very, very multicultural.
I love it but it's like. Don't leave the tip there.
No, honestly, I've I've I've hadit got that pen.
I didn't get it explain it's. New Zealand, you get a Jew.
(14:06):
We're not doing this, do you know?
Why we're not doing this? Do you know why?
Because I got accused of being antisomatic a couple weeks ago
and we'll talk about this as well.
It's nuts. But yeah, we like, so like they,
they brought the food out and like I've, I've ordered gizzard
and plantain. I know what that looks like,
mate. I know what that looks like,
Right. And it's come out.
(14:27):
Let me show you what it should look like.
Yeah. And let me show you.
Yeah, but in mid to the star restaurants they have to fancy
up the no. No, no, no.
It's worse than fancying it up, right?
Trust me. Like, trust me.
This. Yeah.
So that you don't. Fuck it out.
Which would feel like that? Do you?
That's what it should look like,right?
That's what it looks like. That's what it.
Looks like you see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool. That's what it looks like.
(14:48):
This is what I've got. Yeah, this is exactly what I've
got. Your lab just got off.
Yeah. So yeah.
So. It was horrible and get get, get
this, here's the kicker, here's the kicker, Michigan star.
They bring it out and they're like, Oh yeah, where we do it
(15:08):
different in it. Like, oh, they explain how to
eat. It no, no, they go like this.
They go, they go, they go yeah, you know, it's gizzard on
plantain, yet on the menu it says gizzard on plantain, yet
they bring it out. I'm like, oh, that was
different, but I'm not thinking maybe it's just like a, you
know, OK, it's two sides of plantain and big gizzard.
Yeah, we do it different. We don't use gizzard, we use ox.
What? So it's not good.
(15:30):
Yeah, you can't just say if I order a hamburger, you can't
just go. Yeah, but we use chicken.
But it's you. You can't fuming.
That's out of. That's out of water in it.
And they just, they just. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it just did it. Yeah, yeah.
It just tasted nice and lovely. People, words don't mean
anything. Lovely.
There you go. Lovely customer service, but I'm
(15:51):
like, that's not. You can't just change.
I'm paying for me chicken for anoffer you to you.
Can't just change the meat. Yeah, you can't just change the
meat. I was fuming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was fuming.
It tastes nice. I didn't even taste good and it
was different but I didn't even like the taste that much.
Over £200 as well. It was all bollocks bro.
(16:11):
Was it? Yeah.
Fuming. Yeah, fuming.
Not happy. Yeah, yeah, guys sometimes go to
every now and then for a treat. Go to a restaurant called 6 by
Nico and. What kind of food is that?
Changing the The Avenue menu every six weeks.
Oh, is it like? But is it like a certain like?
Yeah, it's like a tasting menu. But is it?
Is it like a certain type of food or just?
(16:32):
Everywhere they have like a Japanese, they have a Japanese
month, Mexican month, retro mum always good, amazing change the
chef do. You know that or.
No, no, no, same chefs. So it's a massive company and
they go. So I think you will get more,
you'll get different. Chefs their their executive
chefs like go around the world and taste different cuisines and
(16:54):
come up with menu ideas. So they'll they'll recreate
something classic, but it but presenting it in a in a fancy
way. It's really good.
So you come out and it don't look quite you expect.
You've done like beans on toast.Yeah, yeah.
See, I don't mind that. Like yeah, yeah, that's what I
expected. Makes it fancy.
I get that. Yeah, that's don't just.
Don't just change. Don't just.
(17:16):
Changing what it is, it's not making it fancy.
You can't just say we don't likethat meat.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like people you do with food. Yeah.
Try the trick. Me.
She needs me birthday packing it, Yeah.
I'm I'm. I'm human.
(17:39):
I'm I'm allergic to ox. Is gizzard.
Swollen too? Michelin stars.
How have they pulled out? Swollen.
Gizzard. Stupid, stupid, but yeah, I
(17:59):
think. That's why I always want to go
out. It's always stuff, you know,
like, you know, I don't. People should say you should
explore your taste buds and stuff.
That's why I just stick to be safe I.
Love you, man. I love man.
Give me Italian. I I would do the same thing no
matter the Italian restaurant, right?
Seafood, linguine, don't matter.That's what I'm that's what I'm
getting because I know I like that shit.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not very. Expensive you know your the food
(18:21):
that you like then is it Nigerian is it?
Yeah, I love Nigerian. Food.
So have you had it before? Have you got a spot?
Have you got a spot by yours then that you're not like you
know, but you wouldn't. Go.
There's a There's a place in where there's two things.
There's like there's a place in in London, It's there's three of
them called 805 Restaurants. Really, really, really good
Nigerian, Really good Nigerian. Yeah, yeah, I took home.
(18:46):
Do you know Finley Christie? Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he, he like a while ago hestarted dating this Nigerian
girl, isn't it? So he messaged me and he goes oh
bro like I need. Some.
Tips. I need like, I need to engulf
myself in the culture. Oh yeah.
So I was like, all right. Finley, Christa.
Yeah. Finn Monster in Government of
Nigerian. In the culture, wow, you know?
(19:09):
I like that though, that's nice.Yeah, So I took him.
I took him to a Nigerian restaurant.
Yeah, yeah. And it's funny when we got in
there because he don't, you know, about Jollof Rice?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what pounded Yam is?
Yeah, it's like potato, isn't it?
Yeah, you know, like you got Mashed potato, but yam is solid,
so you got pound it, you know what I mean?
You've got a pounder in it. You can't just match but yam
because it's. Pounder Yam could be like boxer
(19:30):
name. Yeah, Pounded.
Yeah, that's a good boxer name. Introduce him.
Pound Idiot. But yeah, so we went there and
Philly was like, it was so funny.
He was, he asked for like he asked for because he just
(19:53):
wanted, you know, sometimes you.Get basic sort.
Of not basic you know, you look you know the whites you get
excited sometimes right so you want every you want everything
in it yeah, so he's like yeah, can I know for that?
Can I have exactly just taking over all anyway?
So he wanted so he wanted dollarfries and he wanted pounded
Yami, which is. Two carbs.
(20:15):
It's insane. So I was like.
Going to Nando's and getting like chips and mash.
No, but it's what I get from Nando's.
Spicy chips and normal chips bang.
Mind that to me Bang red. Oh, mind that.
Wait, he's he's heavier than that because it's a full meal?
Yeah. So it's like, it's like getting
a gourmet burger and a full plate.
Like pasta. You've explained everything to
(20:36):
me this past 20 minutes with bags.
You're you know what? The burger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, OK, I get it now.
But yeah, so you know, but he hebasically he ordered.
(20:58):
He just wanted too much. And then me and it was
hilarious. We had the waitress, he said it
and we both just broke out into laughter.
We're just laughing. Like Nigerian food is great.
When I go for a coffee though, Iget rice, chips and bread.
Rice, chips and bread I. Get I get 3 carbs that's.
You know it. It depends on the portion,
though. Yeah, yeah.
(21:19):
Yeah. Depends on the portion because
like Nando's I will get, I will get like I like the chips, the
rice as. Well, two chips, mate.
Yeah, yeah, I'm. Just half and half.
You know what I mean if I have to.
No, I don't get half and half, Iget one of each.
You get 1 rice. Yeah, and one chips and then
yeah, maybe that's why you nearly.
Died the other week. That was the Chinese.
And don't bring up your trial. You mean you nearly died?
(21:39):
Choked on a chip man. Just one chip.
Yeah, one chip, Chip. Is that the worst food to to die
eating? What do you reckon the most
embarrassing food is? To like to to to die eating?
Like to choke on You get me? Yeah.
Gizzard bad. Gizzard bad from round the
front. I reckon.
Yogurt meal hasn't. I call it I'm more than yogurt.
(22:04):
Yeah, or like a rice pud. Rice pudding.
I reckon, yeah. Rice pudding, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yogurt. Yogurt is the one guilty
pleasure. Yeah, he's fucking sad.
(22:30):
I. Think as well something like
Snacker Jacks joke on a snack Jack went.
Look at that fat cunt trying to better his life.
Yeah. Low calories, yeah.
Trying to extend his life. He's.
Killed himself. He's killed himself with a snack
and be crumbs, crumbs everywhere.
CPI on him. Like just, you know, if you've
(22:56):
taken one bite, just seeing the rest of it just there, just on
the sides, like survived. It's all mate.
Fuck, that's embarrassing. Yeah, that is embarrassing.
Choked on the ship, didn't you? Yeah, choked on the ship.
Oh. No.
Yeah, man, it was, it was excitement from Hitler's first
180. Because he's he's playing darts,
No? From who's the first one?
80 this is 180. Yeah, first one.
I heard something else bloody. Yeah, brain darts, man.
(23:19):
I literally just say it was excitement from Hitler's first.
What AE I was like what? Oh no, it's his first.
What he? He he's OK.
I'm sorry I had Hitler. Which is.
You'll just Hitler on the mind, man.
Yeah, I wouldn't even call that any somatic.
Oh, that was bad. It was funny.
Yeah, it's always funny it. Was funny.
What would you get get figured? What called anti-Semitic did a
(23:43):
show January in it and woman emailed that all on topsy comedy
club called me going I've got ane-mail someone someone said
you're anti-Semitic that you I'mlike oh, what did what did they
say? And he read the e-mail.
It's the funniest e-mail ever. You allowed to share it with us
or? Oh, it's just like, because he
(24:04):
responded and he's Jewish, they don't have Mark who owns top
secrets. He responded like properly and
put a full transcript of what I actually said and said I'm
backing you up. Yeah, yeah.
He was like, yeah, He's like, he's like, I was shocked to hear
what you said he said. But then I read, luckily we
record everything and I watched it back and I have no idea what
you're talking about because I've got this joke about like,
(24:24):
politics and right wingers and how right wingers, like, are
really clever at tricking peopleinto thinking what they're not
saying. It's crazy.
So, you know, like, you hear someone say something and you're
like, oh, that's really bad. And they go, it's all right,
mate, I'm only saying what we'reall thinking.
And I'm like, oh shit, you know,I was thinking that.
It's like say you get double quarter pound a bit.
(24:47):
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mintmobile.com. And they say, and they say that
(25:53):
they say that's really unhealthyfor you.
Look, everyone. That, that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that, Yeah, yeah.
Is it? That is a version of it.
It's like I like this. I just did a joke.
I see a fat curse, by the way, mate.
(26:15):
But yeah, I was just saying how they say like they they, they
use that phrase in it where theygo.
I'm only saying, well, we're allthinking and I have no idea.
I hated the Jews, right. Yeah, I did.
I did. I'm not doing.
But you know, like when they saythings like, what's that phrase?
It's like, yeah. Oh, I like, you know, when
people go, I like him because hesays it as it is.
(26:35):
Yeah. And I'm, I don't even know what
that means, but I like it. I got an uncle.
He called me up the other day. He's like, oh, mate, I really
like this Kanye West guy, man. He, he really says it as his.
I'm really liking his stuff. And I'm like, oh shit, you like
his music. And he goes, oh, he makes music.
And I'm like, no, no, no. That's the that's the whole
joke. This woman emailed saying that I
said she's like on the 15th of January, I attend the top secret
(26:56):
comedy club. And the last act was, you know,
it was brilliant. I do know this until randomly in
the middle of his set. What they always, what they
always put in them complaints and I've got a great sense.
Yeah, me, me, me. Oh, she, she was like, oh, yeah.
And randomly in the middle of his set, he's stopped.
And outside of any comic context, she wrote the word
comic context. He just looked up to the crowd
(27:16):
and said, I don't like Jews. And they moved up really
different. I know I said.
And the crowd didn't laugh and he just moved on.
You're not mental. That would be to be doing a joke
right in the middle of a bit like just a normal bit like,
yeah, there that you got burgers, by the way, guys, Jews,
baby. It's like, what?
(27:39):
Yeah. How did I got a big back?
Right. It's like, what?
And it wasn't kosher. I'm anyway it's like that.
Is not what I said. Right.
It was crazy. And then she goes and then she
writes, this is the this is the kicker.
Then she writes, I am compelled to send this e-mail on the night
of the Holocaust Memorial Day where my grandmother died and
blah, blah blah, basically. But you know, the Holocaust
(28:01):
Memorial Day is like 27th of Janosine.
That means this. Woman.
Oh, she waited 12 days. Waited, she said.
I'm going to sit on this one. I'm gonna get him when it's most
effective. Yeah, yeah, she.
Sat on it and waited till you get me.
But. That's not it's like me waiting
for like, I don't know, someone like calling me the N word now,
(28:21):
and I'm I'm gonna wait till Martin Luther King there.
I'm gonna. Wait there.
Right I'm. Gonna wait till George Floyd.
I'm gonna wait till then. Then I will get you.
Yeah, call me a *** And it now hurts more because I'm thinking
I reflected of when that police officer had his neck.
He's not sure. Or George Floyd's neck.
When did this incident happen? On January?
You know, I mean mental, but yeah, that's why at.
(28:43):
Least at least the others, your back door, the owner as well.
Oh yeah, he fully had my back and he was hilarious.
He was. And I hate, the thing I hate
most about that is that he responds fully.
I look, she might have misheard.Maybe she like, yeah, I can
imagine she could sleep in the middle.
Said she had to work Crazy cool.But then it's like he's come
back and said, oh, come to the comedy club.
I've I've got the video safe foryou.
Obviously they're not gonna. Yeah, yeah.
(29:03):
They're not that they're. Not gonna come?
What? Did she say after that or did
she follow up? No, of course not, That's my
point. As soon as they're put down,
especially when someone goes oh I've got the whole video.
Yeah, they just got Oh, probably.
Or they probably thought oh fuckit, hell tried to cause drama
wasn't. It but yeah, yeah, it could be
that the way anyway, but. She fucked it, got away with it
anyway. Yeah, if it wasn't for them
(29:25):
pesky kids. I mean, it was crazy, but now it
was cool. But yeah, that was, that's my,
that's my anti-Semitism. So you're back up to the
Liverpool and hot water, baby. Love it.
Him. Yeah, you caused the caused
caused the storm last time, didn't you?
I did 'cause you've. Done your thing didn't you mate?
I. Did in fact also.
I want to thank you, Tony. Yeah, man.
You. You in particular, Tony, you.
I want to thank you. Why?
(29:46):
For being so lazy, you changed my life.
I changed your life for me beinglazy.
Positively affected my life for being such a lazy bastard.
Absolutely. That's sick.
What have I done? Remember last time I was here?
What happened? I didn't say to a gig exactly.
You done my gig. I did your gig and.
You got work out of it. I did the Have a word gig there.
(30:07):
I did that gig and then I met all those guys for first time.
And since then I've been on the pod, which is great because
it's, you know, bigger than thisone.
And then so I've done the have aword pod right, which is
fantastic, really gorgeously so yeah, that was good.
I did that. Then I did Don gigs.
(30:29):
I'm doing Hackney Empire with them in London as well.
So yeah, doing all of that just because you just, you know, sit
down. We actually.
We actually, we actually filmed the sketch.
Tell you what, I missed that gig.
Yeah, I've got to come back for you, mate.
Here we go. So from that, when you last
eaten, you cooked up a storm andI was probably one of the
(30:51):
leaders. Yeah, not that leader I was
probably 1. Of the leaders this is.
My leaders, that's what I thought you would say something
I was one of the leaders of on on your hype train mate, saying
he's the boy you were. You were picking me up.
You were. Then I didn't go to that gig
because I was filming by Tor promo, right or.
Is that the one where you two were in bed naked?
(31:13):
You done the gig and I made-up for you because you got it with
all that. And you know what?
You're flying and you deserve tobecause you're a funny guy.
Guess what from me missing that gig to do by tour promo.
I've just come back over first UK so sold out tour mate.
So what about that eh? Who's lazy now, eh?
You still? Yeah, I'm going to say that.
(31:34):
Yeah, just haven't made. It was a win win, didn't it?
Yeah, there we go, bro. There we go, man.
But yeah, thank you. Thank you of.
Course mate, So what have you been?
Did you do last night then? But here, yeah, I did last night
here as well. Yeah, it was really great,
really great, man. So yeah, last night, one
tonight, 3:00 tomorrow. Yeah.
(31:55):
Have you played the big room? Yeah.
Yeah, I played the big room. Yeah, first, first time I was
here, they had me let me headline the big room, which
was, which was a lot of responsibility, but big.
Group yeah, of course. Love that rooms heavy dollar.
Love that you. Want to see one of the yeah, I
think top two years in the country, number one, it's up
there. I love it.
I love it so I. Don't want I always have got
ones ones yeah, but that big onemates I just have before best
(32:17):
there yours. Big rooms tonight.
So yesterday was the. Yeah, it's like, what was the
taste the other Wednesday? It's it's a yeah, it's a Little
Theatre. Exactly but you.
You you think like, oh, 'cause you're another room.
It's like. No, I was telling some comics
though, people complain about that sometimes, you know.
Oh, there's only this way. Is that, mate?
I remember being in the back of pubs having to just when you're
in London and you gotta do a bringer, you gotta bring, Yeah,
(32:39):
a human being. And it's like now what, you want
me to complain 'cause there's 100 people in?
Oh Boo. Yeah.
I'll never complain. You're from the bomb circuit?
Yeah, Yeah. What was the bomb circuit?
Yeah, the bomb. Circuit you start to bring your
mates to gigs like that. It was.
But you can't. Play unless you bring mates.
It's true. Yeah.
(32:59):
Yeah, they're called bringers some nights, but I liked them.
To have to buy. Drinks.
Yeah, some 2 drink minimum. I didn't think they were.
I get what you mean, but they were.
They were. It sounds weird, but like at
that point you know they're coming up.
Now you're of course you. Know it's like you don't know
anything and also it's it's it does give you that especially me
like think I needed that encouragement at the beginning
(33:21):
like of knowing what it feels tokill in a full room, even if it
is artificially full. Do you ever?
Get down because obviously back then you're not saying you shit
but you obviously wasn't as good.
What do you ever get with our mates who want to come with you
anymore and see you now that you're the killer?
Oh, Dad, they don't want to comedown.
Now I want to come down because you've used all your like, your
favours back in the day, you know.
What I mean, yeah, no, but no, back in of the day, you know, I
(33:43):
had, I had one mate called Sherman.
Yeah, he used to come and see. He was the main guy.
He was like beginning. I had a guy called Jonathan and
a guy called Sherman. He would just come all the time.
So now actually, like, you know,if I got big shows coming up,
which I do, I've got like, I've got 1 coming up.
I'm doing. I don't know if I'm allowed to
say it. That's great.
I'm doing the O2 Arena in London, right?
(34:04):
Yeah. So like, I'm doing that and it's
like, hey, Sherman's like, oh mate, I'm like, yeah, I'll get
you all the VIPs you want to seehe.
Probably he was there. Man, he was the one that would
always come. To the people, whistle on that.
One I do that was with the couple, my mates who saw me and
it was like brand new and stuff and they they just never have to
(34:26):
pay for. It exactly exactly exactly how
it is I. Charge your man Still like yeah.
OK. Yeah, Yeah, right.
Cool. Business space.
We've all got to eat. You reckon that's a taxi driver
was just a mate. You forgot about that.
Yeah, somebody's like, yeah, he's gonna.
I'm gonna get him now. Yeah.
A walk. Yeah, What have you been up to,
Jay? We've been there, been playing
that still. Nah, I've had a bomb day meme on
(34:48):
just you're waking up and you'relike I got get.
Open I went. I went out to the night.
At night, you know, would you? Would you for the bit, but you
went home. Oh, pokes.
Yeah, I went to play poker the night over the water.
Oh, you did too. I did come back, I was just, I
was running a fucking bend right, which is off of me face.
Yeah, you know, they just frowned upon it up, but I'm
still sort of playing and the the next day that was yesterday
(35:12):
I was fucked, right. I mean like this one the worst
like come down. So when I'm having to come down,
I like to watch like a ROM com or something in the night.
Oh. What kind?
What kind of ROM? That's cute.
I didn't. I didn't see you.
Yeah, I. Know I like to watch an
emotional film because of I liketo like release all the emotions
the next day do. You like crying that?
Yeah, not like balling, but. You're not groveling, but it's
like. A Yeah, it's here just like a
(35:34):
machine. Machine watch you today, you
before me. No.
Oh. Man, that kills, that kills me
that Yeah, the guy, he's that he's like that he's, you know,
being an accident and he's crippled.
He's in like the wheelchairs, isn't it?
Like the lucky ones, Like the, you know, like the lucky ones,
like the ones. Yeah, but he's a multi
millionaire and then he gets a, you know, like a mind.
(35:57):
And every mind that he gets he'salways fake, throwing shit at
them and stuff. Wait.
What's his phone call again? You before me?
You think it's called me? Before you, me.
Before you. Yeah, before you.
And then he gets this, this nanny thing, like they'll look
after him, but she's she's hot and he falls in love with her
and then she shows him that there's more to life than being
fucking, you know, You know whatI mean.
(36:17):
So then. But then he's only made his mind
up and going to Switzerland to kill himself and and he kills
himself bro. Oh, he does.
Even after he's like fell in love and she's sad to say, like
don't think you've got this pussy pussy now.
And he's like, no, no. And was he?
Was he? Was he whacking it before he?
Didn't show you that like for I can imagine so, but I don't know
if it's working. You know what I mean.
So maybe that maybe that's what it was.
(36:38):
Maybe he was like oh like I can't fucking I can't shagger
imagine falling over some bad some bad loves you back, but you
really doesn't work bro like you're ending that.
He was getting so. Vigorbile, you're ending it,
lads. But she loves you regardless.
And all, but you'll never be able to fucking feel her.
(36:59):
What? It's much more romantic than my
vision you're being. Yeah, I can't feel her.
See, I just save loads of money on Budgie on that film that.
Sounds like a sweet film, that. Is proper sweet and that sounds
for if the words explain it, I'mjust joking.
Can you watch it? Ladders swear.
(37:20):
You know, I've just spoiled his love everyone, but at the end,
yeah lads, when he does it, you're just like, why?
You've got a. Yeah, man.
He's ended like a king, but. I normally like doing that want
to come down off a when a party and stuff.
I like to watch like that. Obviously you classics, the
notebook and stuff like that. And then I love that.
Like I go to bed and I'm like I'm all we can all be just it's
(37:44):
gone and then I wake up next daybrand new.
But then I woke up today and no,I was still sad so I might have
to watch it the one tonight. Let's go up and clean the house
because girlfriend's mum is coming down to diet rare so it's
the house is a mess and that's got to clean it up.
Johnny can't be showing a dirty house out and that I'm just.
(38:07):
Do you see clean all the time you.
Know it's just you, isn't it? Just follows me around lad
everywhere. It's just seriously, have you
noticed that they have a cleaneras well?
They always clean and it's just always oh.
No, we sat the cleaner. Oh, that's why they got rid of
the cleaner. It's just a fucking joke.
Everything's so fucking. Why'd you sat the cleaner?
(38:31):
What? Why'd you sat the cleaner of
your house? Because we got a dog and we had
to be just money mate. And then fucking pussy fucking
dawdled one. We used to have a we used to
have a mint cleaner. Like she was sick.
You guys just got me a bit bank spotless 2 hours off.
I'm off cashing and off a pop. This other one just came.
(38:51):
She just got homeless fucker. She just went off too much and
said fuck it, I'll take you down, don't you?
I got to me before. I love making him die.
You won't. Get me mate, I don't give a fuck
today. Yeah, but I had a chippy dinner
though, so that made me happy, right?
(39:13):
Yesterday. No Today.
Oh, oh, dinner. Mid-day, yeah.
Like a daytime chippy. Yeah, that's what fuck it, boom.
I'm living my life 12 hour 12. Can you get Chippy at that time?
Yeah. Fair, we'll deliver.
Now putting chips and gravy. What?
Wow, our Chinese for breakfast. Did you?
Leftover big bowl. Our big bowl.
(39:34):
Are you going to go there tonight?
Wasn't we? Yeah.
Oh. My God, every time I'm in
Liverpool I believe that's the ritual.
It's not the best Chinese though.
It's average one. Really.
Yeah. Shit, really?
Yeah, I think so. Bitch.
I think it's average. I like it.
What? Big, but it's not the best
Chinese well. Where where else?
That's the only one I have. That's that's the literally I've
never no one else has told me where to.
(39:55):
I won't go. I think Phil Chapman I don't
wrote on me to go. That's why I've been there.
Look at me. You're right.
Yeah, but is it? I don't want that.
Whatever that whatever made you that.
I don't want that. I don't want that.
I don't want that. You think that's big ball?
How big is this fucking ball? Yeah, why you telling me too big
(40:15):
Pot Noodle? I want to say you're best
Charlies North. That's what it's called North
Guard. N Garden Chinatown.
Yeah, you've got a stall. Yeah, all.
Right. But oh, it's wait, they got a
store in the in the. Stall is that it's the best I
think in the whole building, butthe restaurants even better,
(40:37):
like it's the best N garden Chinatown.
You've got a Mimi opposite big ball, which is go ports
expensive, but it's all right. Indian.
Do you like Indian? I love Indian food.
You've got you and I, which is just like 5 minutes away from
big ball that's fucking. You and I, yeah.
Me and you went there, haven't we?
Yeah. Did you come with us?
Yeah. Yeah, that's why.
(40:59):
I do love Indian food, you know,It could be in India, you know,
and India got. Stuck in the seat as well.
That was funny. You got stuck in the seat in.
Why are you just live you? Got stuck in that booth thing,
remember? Oh, you're talking a booth.
What? So he sat down and he stood up
and the chair came up with him. Is that what happened?
No, there was like we couldn't fit in.
(41:20):
Do you remember? You couldn't fit in?
No. It was just a bit.
It was the same. It was a bit tight on there.
I just said can we move somewhere else?
That's fair, I know it is. I want.
To be called a story have you seen this there's a woman in
America that's suing on what they called not Uber Bolt.
There's like a Lyft or one of them, one of the car ride, I
think it's called Lyft. Yeah, there's she's doing Lyft
(41:41):
and she's she's big and, and andhonestly, she's big like you're
not honestly, she's so. Yeah, she's fat.
She's so incredible. She's fat.
Just looks like a puddle. Like, like, yeah, I'm not even
kidding. She's compared to you and I'm
not exaggerating. At least twice, I reckon.
(42:01):
Like, oh, she's. Big she's.
Big, I want, I'm not big. And she's yeah, yeah, yeah.
So she's big. And I think she got a, she got
a, she got a ride on on the, theUber drive, the the driver was
like. You're not getting in.
You're not getting in suspensions footwear.
Yeah, exactly. He's got a right though, aren't
he? Yeah, for you, for you to laugh
(42:24):
at someone being. It's not that she's still got
skinny ass, she's just a big circle.
Oh wow. Yeah, no, she's so.
She she after a few. Drinks.
But do you know what I've got? A few drinks.
Now you won't. What?
Wait. What did you say?
Wait. Oh, really?
You have. A good gig last night.
I'll lick you up man. I saw an interview of her.
(42:47):
Every arm deserves to be bounded, do you think?
That's wrong, No. Do you think that's wrong?
I think that's I was going to beright to to refuse.
I don't know. I was on offence in it.
I was like. I'll be, I'll stop and call.
I'll just say, listen, Gay, I thought, I'll just have part of
me. Was like part of me was like, Oh
yes, but then also I don't know,sometimes I thought of it and
I'm like, I'm like, she probablycould have got in the car and
(43:10):
the guy was just being a Dick. I don't know.
She's not. She's.
Not like she's like she's. Big, but she can, yeah, she can,
she can walk around like. So it's like you're big.
But then sometimes I think people see someone big like that
and they use it as an excuse to be a Dick head because they know
a lot of people go Oh yeah, but look how big you are.
It's like, well, you don't have to like yeah, yeah, you know
what I mean? It's.
(43:30):
Like my opinion is if it was in front of people, stuff that like
that, and he made a country, yeah, that I hope she takes him
to the cleaners. But if it's just M2 and it's
just him saying listen girl, youyou're quite big and.
This and this is a mini. Right now.
But you know, if you started like politely, yeah.
(43:50):
Then when he's not, I was away and she's pinning the piston
down. Rain crying.
Yeah. Then she should go to herself.
Fuck me, I need to change you. I've just been knocked back for
the Saxis. I've seen someone seen someone
in Florida, like she was screaming at the staff because
she couldn't get in the roller coaster and she was refusing to
(44:11):
get off on that. That's not that's her fault.
I know they have practice seats outside for fat cunts.
Really. Yeah, honestly.
Honestly they have practice seats outside.
You've. Got roller coasters legit, I'm
not saying that. I don't go.
I've got a story. I've told her.
It's quite, it's quite famous. When I was younger, I went on
the ride, you know, with the things that come down.
(44:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it didn't fit.
And then I, I was on a date withthis bird and it didn't fit.
And then you had to like, pull everyone else's up.
And I actually like I was you. Oh my.
(44:55):
God, she must have got the Ickencapital letters.
Oh my God. Oh no, did she, did she, did she
leave on the ride? Did she stayed on the ride?
She's on the ride. You should have only in air for
(45:28):
like a week. Oh the fuck you should have.
You should have done Ramadan. You should have.
Oh that's tragic. So what happened with the go
after? Actually, she everybody, she
takes it for a a good couple of years.
Oh, that's, oh, she's. Lovely.
Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, no, she's.
(45:49):
I wasn't, I'm not asked. I've never been like I'm not
asked. But some girls, like some girls
get, just don't know. She was, No, she, she, she, she,
she loved me because I was just always laughing about like
always take the piss out. That's good.
That's good. She pump?
No. Oh, she's.
Gorgeous mate, she was what I got away.
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You mentioned it, so we have a thing called Comedy X.
Do you have any Comedy X? What things I don't like?
(47:15):
Yeah, like I don't like people older than might like that.
Interesting. I don't really.
Oh, I see you like you know. What I mean?
This, this thing here? Yeah.
Shaking like that. OK, yeah, I don't know.
That's a good point. I don't have any comedy.
I don't always love when people do comedy about comedy.
I don't like that. I don't like that either.
Well, I like breakdown. The joke?
No. Or it's like, do you?
(47:37):
Mean talk about gigs and stuff. Yeah, I don't like that that
much. People do it and there's funny
jokes. In green rooms.
On on stage. Oh me, I hate that.
Yeah, they love, they love this in, they love this in Coventry.
(47:59):
Yeah. I've got, I've got the biggest
part of that, that, that, yeah, that's, that's a comedy, isn't
it? Yeah, yeah.
Just do the. Because they're shortly trying
to say, listen, I gig all the time, man.
Yeah, we've said that. We've said that.
And it also ruins the illusion that yeah, yeah, it's just here
and. I was speaking to the audience
that yeah, they're like, oh, areyou OK, Here's your name and
what you do with that And he's like home school teacher and
(48:21):
they go drug dealer then be like.
No, I teach. I teach math.
I told you, do you hit the kids?No.
(48:41):
What's your name? Went Niall went right the river.
That's embarrassed. I'll cry.
Like the river or the. River And he went, He went.
Yeah, I went. I just made all the comics in
(49:03):
the back of the room. Just climb.
Is it to me? Like I was doing it to get like,
OK, that's the 10 people, 10 comics in the back of the room.
That's fine. That's why you've got, you've
got. Yeah, sometimes you've got to do
it for. Us I would love to live really
dying me sometimes you love whatdeliberately dying yeah you know
what I mean oh that's just goingdown the road just to make.
Are you like, is it like there'sdying and there's there's, is it
(49:25):
pure? Dying.
No, not pure dying, not real dying.
I mean like because. You're still in control in it.
There's never real lying. Little corny jokes like that
though. I I bought some when he's when
he's watching me, yeah, I start dying right because I keep doing
it and so just doing the water get away with it.
I'll just carry. On.
I've got no shame, I'm just OK, you know, so.
Gosh, yeah. That's that's a comedy I can't
(49:47):
think of anymore. I mean, I'm sure there's more,
but that that one, yeah. In the green room and he's
slacking someone off and someonedefends him.
I've done that a few times. I've defended a few.
People read the room, bro. Yeah, yeah.
I'll do it. I'll come to the I don't like
because I don't like. I don't like talking about other
communities at all. Yeah, no.
(50:08):
People are quite you. You know what they say.
What? They say.
I'm not repeating. I'm not gossiping.
Do you join in? No.
It's just, it's just to be fair,so.
You don't. You don't.
You don't defend me. Yeah well I'm not going to look
anti-Semitic as well. I'm not going down that rude
mate. I'm very safe bro.
(50:31):
I read any Patreon correspondence Daniel.
Patreon, by the way, is something that gives US1 or
£3.00 a month. Yeah.
Do you have tears or just the? Plenty of tears when the numbers
go down. What tears would you?
Free. Yeah, free 5 and 10.
You were talking about tears. Oh, wait.
Oh, you were doing, you were doing like a punny, punny thing.
(50:52):
I didn't. I didn't see you as a punny guy.
I don't, mate. You're a punny guy.
No, I just saw saw open goal on it.
Open goal but you cleared off the line honestly.
You got to come to watch me whenI'm down.
London on me so. What's the date?
Let me know. Let me know what the date.
(51:14):
Is why is your ashes open for me?
I'm open for you if you you knowif I'm free.
And you're paying. I'm paying.
How much? I mean, how many patrons you
got? It's 3 digits like.
You got what, 3 digits Patrons? Not I've got four there.
What 4 digit patrons, not 4? The dwindling.
So you got, you got. 3 1/2. 3 1/2 thousand patrons.
(51:36):
Yeah. OK, cool.
Yeah, I'll open for you. Yeah.
Yeah, bring the burgers, Love. That's the name of the show.
Bring the burgers. I'd love that everyone's got to
bring a burger to come to this. Show bring your own burger you
(51:57):
bring. Your just audience.
Members. Harling patties at you on stage.
Do you like the Square Theatre? Oh, that's good.
That's a good room. I did that a couple weeks ago.
Yeah, there's someone open for someone there.
It's a great room. So I've got loads of fans down
here, mates to set. The same as saying that I'm
scared to go down South. So I'm saying how am I here to
watch? I just don't think my comedy
(52:18):
I've. No, but there's every even
there's every type. Of audience courses.
And everywhere. Do you know what I mean?
So it's like, just keep passing.And if they're coming for you,
they like, you know, they like machine.
Machine. Yeah, machine.
Yeah, machine I've backed. Him.
I've backed him bro, I've backedme and he needs to pull his
fucking finger out. What do you mean you're back?
(52:41):
There's a private big boy. What do you mean?
You mean you mean Turkish mushroom?
How's he your boy? How'd you know mushrooms?
I put on Tony. Can't love friends like 2 1/2
years. Yeah, I I found him for those.
You would have got a. Great set lad.
Can we, can we be friends? And he went Nah, fuck off him
with Tony shut. Up you burger eating cunts.
(53:05):
That's what I've got. To do you guys fighting over
Mussin, This is great. He's going to love this.
Yeah. You know, Mussin is a great
comic. No.
Listen. Like, yeah.
Let's hear your story there. We'll see that.
I physically put money on him. I've put money on him.
In my pocket there's a private group and we all picked a comic
and they had to be under 10,000 followers and the first one to
get 200,000 wins and I picked him.
(53:28):
Sorry, what? Who's in this private group?
Because I've got a I'm. I'm I'm, I don't, I don't want
to be. It feels weird betting on
humans. Yeah, as.
You've got a fucking problem youdon't know.
Yeah, you've got, you're a scrambler.
You're. Betting on the fucking fuck
that. I Joe once.
(53:51):
By the way, it's genius idea. Joe once I generally went on
Paddy Power live track to try and ask for odds for the
Edinburgh Fringe Awards. I've got inside info, do you
know what I mean? I.
Didn't. Know you can just bet on
anything. You can't bet like you can.
Ask them. You can.
(54:12):
Ask them, did they? Did they respond?
You know they couldn't find it. The personal speakers was a fit
cunt so. Before we were recording, I was
speaking to Benny about what you2 are like basically, and I said
if he's got 100 grand, it'd be gone within a month.
And he was like, really? How long do you think 100 grand
(54:32):
that last year's? Well, I got, I'm not saying how
much I got on tour, but that went in.
Three or four, yeah. Six figures though, yeah.
I think my last, I think my lasta while me because I've I've
changed late, late last few weeks.
I think, I think I've, you know,got up a little bit more.
Germany Germany said that the other day.
(54:55):
I'm not lying. No, no German.
You said it. The other name was laughed in
your face. Yeah.
Then you're gonna start saving. So then he starts saving, I
probably didn't hear and he wentjust carpet stop.
Laughing, I was like, shut up, that's why.
You're not saving, man. Save your money, man.
No. You're not saving nothing.
You're like Andrea Nana bro. Yeah, he's had some shockers,
(55:18):
research some shockers. But yeah, save your money
though. People be spending money on.
I saw someone I saw online the other day, someone spent an
advert came up for strawberry. Have you seen these strawberries
from Japan? People are ordering strawberries
from Japan. Just one.
Like 10 grand. Nice like 20 LB just one
strawberry like. Edible.
(55:39):
I know you're a Dick head for doing that, but.
No, no, I've always sent. That like edible strawberry.
Yeah, but like just one solitary.
Strawberry. Yeah, it's like a perfect.
Strawberry. Strawberry for a human fuming
one, not a bunch, 1 strawberry, but £20.
Yeah, someone's spending bloody £100 just to get there. 5A day,
(56:00):
bro, and they're eating it and the woman's like, Oh yeah, this
is, this is so worth it. I'm like, bro, rich people be
doing it, yeah. No, I've seen you doing.
Shit that it's unnecessary. I've seen the most expensive
straw in the world. It wasn't it 10 grand that are
mate honestly like gold. So do you know but it?
It's got. Can you?
See, it like that made me properleft wing.
(56:20):
I'm not gonna lie, I feel like that made me proper left wing.
And you know what? I realised you should have made
me left wing. And I've seen people spend money
on like islands, humans, you know, or whatever.
But like the, the price of that strawberry upset me.
It really did. I think I cared more about the
price of that strawberry, to be honest, than like the conditions
of the kid that picked it. If I'm really big, it really
(56:45):
upset me. I was like you.
I mean and. I can't buy never like kids
probably get a good way. Together, yeah. 6 a couple of
days from Charlie yeah, probably.
They'll be awful there I. Don't know what they do.
You're right. So they won't even be fresh to
preserve it. They probably put fake shit on
it. Anyway.
Can you Google the most expensive strive in the world?
Just one. Percent didn't.
What didn't Port Hollywood have like a £350 one?
(57:07):
Yes, that's what I'm thinking. That's.
The one you're thinking about, yeah.
Yeah, not ten Grand 35350. That's what I'm reading.
Is that what you found £350? Yeah, 350 put the size of a
baseball that's big that I mean it's.
Not 350, it's. Not, but that's like fist size,
isn't it? Nearly.
Saffron 350. Honestly.
(57:29):
My. 3:50. I'm not trying to justify it,
I'm just saying that. Why you guys imagine putting
that in a smoothie? I'd kill myself.
Just. Seeing it blend away for.
Pension, No. He's so upset.
Oh, it's too much. I want strawberries.
Too much money. I'm sorry.
(57:50):
Yeah, underground, I think, I think it will last me a while
because I am changing because I have blew, I blew everything I
never had. So I'm probably better than it
was, to be honest. The trick is just put like have
an amount where you get buddy, just have an amount that you're
like, do you know what? I'll put that away.
But my issue. Is and then the rest of it.
(58:11):
Allow yourself to do whatever you want.
When you're off your head on drugs, No.
Yeah, you've got, you've got no concept of time or money.
Yeah, I. Just fuck I sent I sent my
girlfriend £500 just to say keepit away from me.
That's what you should do, yeah.Just I haven't got a girlfriend.
Well, you know, I'll, I'll keep it.
Put it at the put it. Can we kiss?
What? What did you say?
(58:37):
Is that a Japanese strawberry pocket?
Are you just pleased to see? No, it's a Nigerian banana.
(59:01):
Nigerian banana and oxtail. No, bend over and let me pound
that yam. Fuck's sake.
What are you going on? What are you about to read?
Some patron thing like 10 hours.You need to do it now and stop
(59:24):
us. What's the best inside joke
you've been a part of? Oh.
That's inside joke. It's a joke.
We did we we can't fish with me in like year nine.
We all had like a little login. For an MSN I'm having the same
order. How about Kathy should be Dad?
It should be stand up. That's funny.
(59:47):
I don't know if I've been I've. Done it Well, I've done it.
I've done it once. I've had one on me because I was
like a little bumming school andthat they, in fact they invited
me round to play and I thought fucking hell, I've been invited
round and I ran round and they they'd super glued a pound to
the pavement and watched me pickit up and I laughed at me out
the window. That's mean.
(01:00:10):
I think that's reminded me of when that happened to me at uni
as well. These into me, not that these
people. We used to have this Facebook
group at uni where people would like spot, like people that they
found a track and they just put it in a group and they go, who's
this person I want to like? I want to find them because I
really find them. Yeah, Rush, I'm a crush and.
(01:00:31):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then like, so, so then I had
that my picture popped up as well and he's like, and I said
Oh yeah, who's this guy? And he's like, and I was like
really, you know, it's just my mates.
I thought it was some nice bird.Didn't.
I yeah, I was so upset. I said that's mean.
That is mean. Yeah, because that boost your
(01:00:51):
confidence and. Then you're like, Oh no, nobody
was. I had, I had Valentine's Day off
like some family that we adoptedoff like the girl from there
from year from year 10. I was in year 8.
So I went in the little year 8 card and then it got out and
everyone was like you shag your sister and all that.
(01:01:13):
And then, oh, that was bad one and another one.
Do you remember Pixel? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so Pixel. Pixel was like social media back
in the day, like Website 3. Yeah, you should know pixel,
pixel. So pixel space it was like.
(01:01:35):
What year was it? Year 11, so, so 07.
OK, so it was before I wasn't, but I wasn't in the concert, so
maybe that's why it was. It was in Nigeria.
It was still on. It was so pixel, so sort of
thing. And you have like you, it's like
a web page basically. It's your own page.
Yeah, it's like Myspace, but Pixel, Pixel and and when we was
(01:01:57):
leaving high school, a girl, girl.
Well, I'm just getting pictures of everyone.
Like it's like the first incineration of selfies, you
know, I'm just getting pictures of everyone.
So remember and put them on my Pixel wall.
And she you have like little subwalls, you know, like the girls.
And then I was on the ugly wall.Oh no, these are not even.
(01:02:20):
That's not even an inside. Joke.
Well, everyone else do apart from me.
Yeah, but what Brick? Get on bro.
The uglies. Yeah, you look.
Like you've been run over by a boss.
The fucking big chin, maggot. So back on tonight mate.
(01:02:48):
All weekend as well. Looking forward.
To it, looking very much forwardto it Nice love, love this club,
love the people of Liverpool I've.
Got some very. Specific Liverpool based jokes
for you a lot as well. So what about that big ball, eh?
Nah, don't worry. Yeah.
See if you need any help becauseas you can see I'm good with the
(01:03:09):
cloud where? You just hit me up.
You know, for what? Assistance with what?
You know, case, you know it's called Mile.
No. What I want you to do tonight.
Yeah, What I want you to do, if you'll do it for me.
I want you to ask every I. Forgot what do you get tonight?
Yeah, every lad on the front row, yeah.
I mean, yeah, I can't wait. I want you to ask every lad
until you get a Nile, right. You want me to get Nile, but
(01:03:33):
this is the part of it. And then then you go fuck sake.
And then he Niles in do that foryou.
What time does your show start? 8:00.
I might come, I might come. Go and see the baddest baby hot
waters green room. I might.
I might ambush it. Yeah, we just come in, we'll
play. Just run on Stone Cold.
(01:03:54):
Stone calls music. Just run on stage.
We're on stage. I do.
Will that, will that will you? Would that be fine?
Just run on, Yeah? We don't get on.
Fuck off. Yeah, Might just just just fuck
on. Yeah.
Just skip. Someone just join us.
Yes. Skip.
Swell from Rome. Just bounce.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just walk across the stage.
We made we. Made some guy are funny.
Last week we made some guy. He's his girlfriend that bought
(01:04:14):
him tickets to our show, live show.
For for there. For Christmas, then she fucked
him off yeah. So we come on his own because it
was his present. And then we asked at the end we
we at the end of 15 minutes, we get the audience to ask those
questions. So he said excuse me.
We were like, hello. And he was like, just want some
advice because me girlfriend bought us tickets for for the
(01:04:36):
show for Christmas. And she's she's she's left me is
what? How could I wear her back?
So I said, come up here, mate, come up here.
So we got him up there. We got him to sing Bruno Mars.
What's that song? I kind of bought you flowers.
That one, yeah. So we got him to sing that to
her on how we put her on the clip and then when she finished
Jamie just said well you do knowas you're singing and she's
(01:05:00):
getting walloped back home by somewhere else lad.
I've done four years thing. Well, lads, he's a menace.
You know he's a menace. Yeah, yeah, we all got involved.
He clipped it to try and get a back and a Jamie says that
that's true. It is true.
It's the whole thing. And you're texting the girl and
(01:05:21):
and then she says, oh, sorry, I fell asleep.
But you know, she's getting tired, walloped.
Walloped. I fell asleep with a cock in my
mouth. I might, I might.
I might try to say that tonight on stage for some reason.
Yeah. Walloped.
Walloped is, yeah. Remember when Hitler wallop the
Jews? Lies well.
(01:05:47):
No, no. No, no, no.
That is a podcast. Thank you very.
Much all right bemi all the depot go and follow him.
Comedy Bemi all instares bemi comedy bemi comedy.
Sorry bro. If you had local taxi drivers in
Liverpool, please be nice. Yeah, well, don't.
(01:06:07):
It was funny. See, now I'm happy again.
Yeah, let's. Go, let's go.
Nice all nice Sears. Location The lab Quinton only
(01:06:34):
has 24 hours to sell his car. Is that even possible?
He goes to carvana.com. What is this, a movie trailer?
He ignores the doubters, enters his license plate.
Wow, that's a great offer. The car is sold, but will
Carvana pick it up in time? They'll literally pick it up
tomorrow morning. Done with the dramatics.
(01:06:54):
Car selling in record time. Save your time, go to
carvana.com and sell your car today.
Pick up fees may apply. Raise the rudder, raise the
sails. Raise the sails, Captain.
An unidentified ship is approaching over.
Roger, wait, is that an enterprise sales solution?
Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors, with
(01:07:18):
LinkedIn ads. You can target the right people
by industry, job title and more.We'll even give you a $100
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